#or maybe she's the kids maid? idk i have no idea about what women do during these era i should read more about it soon

[leporellian]

don giovanni poster review

welcome to don giovanni poster review.

salzburg festival 1954 (the one we’ve all seen with siepi)

my favorite thing abt this is how inaccurate this is to the opera. it looks like it’s supposed to be the scene where he’s trying to seduce elvira’s maid from the window but 1) he doesn’t appear to be wearing leporello’s coat, and 2) The maid is there when she never actually shows up at all. concerned about the maid’s back posture also can we get an exam on that. next funniest thing is how “the greatest opera ever written” is used as praise for the video of this one instead of talking abt the actual production. 6.5/10 why does don giovanni look like a quarter of the kids i went to middle school with

2. met opera, 1970s? i think?

i love metdunking as much as the next guy but back in the 60s-80s they had some sick ass poster game. love how no effort is made to convey what the opera is actually about, they went up to a guy and said “draw all the statues and women you want” and let him at it. like… it’s don giovanni. you know what you’re seeing we know what you’re seeing. this is the one with the statue stupid. 8/10

3. rimrock opera company 2003

so much to unpack here. the stock clipart women sticking out like a sore thumb. the color scheme. the soul patch. anna elvira and zerlina(?) wearing leotards(?????). THE MEDALLION. the 90s hair they’ve given the don. the lightning bolt in the background. the flame hand thing. they went with like 12 different concepts at once and managed to pull off about maybe two of them. 3/10

4. don giovanni: the opera: the movie 1979

someone on twitter once said this poster implies leporello is the dog and that’s the only thing i’ve been able to think about with this one ever since 4/10

5. sd opera 2015

interesting to see a poster use blues/yellows for don giovanni when usually the opera is so deeply associated with red/orange colors, it’s a pretty neat idea tbh (although i’d add in like one drop of red. somewhere.) on paper this one should feel great in terms of composition, style etc but there’s something…. off about it. i think it’s something to do with the art style or the whole focus on the don as a seducer (and not. yknow. evil incarnate), i think the seducer angle can be pulled off in a poster but it’s. idk. something bothers me abt this one 6/10

6. staatsoper hamburg… early 80s?

idk what is happening in this one nor do i think it’s a good summation of the opera but i sure as FUCK want it on my wall because it looks SICK. 7.5/10

7. ny city opera 1989

realizing how wild it is so few characters actually show up on don giovanni posters, we only ever really see the don himself, the statue, and/or one of the women. this one feels weirdly disturbing but that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. the real question here is why do so many posters insist on showing us the don’s nips, i can’t say i really want to see that. 7/10

8. hillman opera…. idk sometime

the idea of the poster being don giovanni’s grave is so fucking sick and fits everything SO well it just needs better execution. 5/10

9. netherlands opera 1997

if you ever wondered “hey, what would the cover of a textbook on don giovanni made in the late 90s-early 00s look like”, well here’s your answer. 3/10

10. i can’t tell whose poster this is

minimalism is a disease. 2/10

[miutonium]

Wild West era Utonium looks so stupid. Look at his dumb smile and dumb yeeyee haircut. I love this dumb nerd so much it hurts my chestfttjwkkw

[janiedean]

ooh so linked to the Brienne ask re: the kingsguard part. What are your thoughts on Aerys’ kingsguard, especially like Arthur Dayne who Jaime from what I remember has complicated feelings for but pretty much idolises him. And they’re so loved by almost everyone in universe!!! Like idk how to think about them really my feelings for them are also complicated

+ okay good because I honestly don’t see why people love them so much like most of the things we’ve heard about them are like. Objectively bad. And like yeah the idea of them is cool but well that can only go so far. also I’m sorry if these asks are a mess I’m exhausted!! ALSO I think you’re amazing for answering all of us anons with such detail I always love coming on to your blog

(putting both asks in the same place uu)

in order: the fact that they're loved by everyone in-universe and fandom actually likes them (or at least arthur dayne hahahahaha god) is like... some of george's best trolling because guess what the entire point is that they're supposed to look like amazing people/the real deal when instead they're all terrible the end - except again for the poor martell prince whom we don't know enough about and I'll give him a pass bc martell people are usually not stupid af but in order:

as I said george has made a point of stating that knighthood is a rotten institution and the kg especially aerys being like... what should be the highest honor for a knight is equally as rotten as knigthood in general and is made of people who do Not Deserve The Title - I mean again hey it's orders so marital rape is fine, hey we're leaving the 15yo to man an entire castle? WHY NOT, the king is mad? WELL WE SWORE TO SERVE HIM, like not counting martell prince there isn't one single person in the aerys kg except jaime who actually upheld the oaths they swore ie protecting the innocent so make of that what you will

the fact that jaime aka the fifteen year old is literally the only one who gets the job and then goes there like 'hey we're basically covering for marital rape what the fuck' and no one else bats an eyelid should already say everything there is to say about these people's moral standard

the fact that none of them actually stuck up for the fifteen-year old who was obviously not ready for the job nor tried to idk do anything to make it easier on him or whatever also says everything about their moral standard because honestly fuck you

the fact that everyone thinks they're amazing jaime included when they're all pretty much shitty is like... well, same as fandom does, which means that the readers bought what people in-narrative do... except that the moment you scratch the surface it's really damned bad

and I'm saying barristan is on thin ice because from his chapters you can see he's like... not a bad dude but like his reaction to jaime being in there still when he saw aerys is 'ah that fucker who killed the king and was so proud he had to try and get into it at fifteen'? like??? fuck you?? honestly the fact that all of them literally served a dude who put people on fire and was a menace/danger to the realm and then have the gall to think that jaime is the worst or who didn't like try to help him or anything while he was obv struggling with his vows and the fact that he was serving a madman says all about their moral standards, again

and honestly arthur dayne is the literal worst of all of them because like - first of all oh you knight the 15yo who goes along with you slaying bandits and you don't try to dissuade him from joining the kg? what the fucking fuck am I supposed to think - second of all you don't even warn him of what is expecting him when he joins when you've been there for a while? - but third of all which drives me insane and I hate that fandom sleeps on it and goes around happily like ARTHUR/LYANNA THE SHIP OF DREAMS... okay listen like I have literally zero investment in lyanna as a character or in r + l and I don't necessarily think he did everything - I think they had a mutual infatuation and eloped and she sorely regretted it and then it was on r. who shouldn't have like acted on it because he happened to be the 20+ year old with a wife and kids, but there's the whole tower of joy situation - in which sorry but we have arthur fucking off KL with other kg people and leaving all the others in the literal shit bc they'd have to deal with aerys and it'd be less of them than they should be, to go with rhaegar to the tower of joy to help him elope which whatever, and then lyanna was left there after r. had to go back... when her brother and father were burned alive and like if she knew that then I doubt she'd have wanted to stay and if she didn't then they withheld fairly important fucking information, so like he stayed there guarding a pregnant 15-16 yo who most likely did not want to be there and who is pregnant by his best friend whose family oh accidentally murdered half of hers........ and lyanna was there even after rhaegar died so I mean it's not like the moment he happened this dude goes and says 'hey maybe we should actually go back and see if we can solve this mess' no he kept her prisoner there anyway - on top of that... here I'm wildly speculating but: he had to know rhaegar was dead and when ned showed up if we are to believe him and idt he was unreliable on that... ned didn't want to fight him or kill him he just wanted to get his sister and leave and like he was most likely in love with ashara aka arthur's sister so why the fuck would he want to kill him right, and like rhaegar's dead and arthur has nothing to lose by letting ned up especially knowing that lyanna is fucking dying in childbirth like she's dying her brother's there just let him up and solve it later esp when the dude doesn't want to kill you....... but no ned had to kill him because he wouldn't budge and why the fucking fuck wouldn't you budge at that point? your side lost the war, the guy you were friends with that you did all of this for is dead, the girl is about to die at least let her die with her family, why? - only thing I can deduce from it: that rhaegar told him that the baby's survival was the most important thing because third head of the dragon blah blah blah and that if the war was lost to just grab the baby and lyanna if she survived and fuck off to essos until he grew up, except that lyanna didn't survive so the conclusion is that he tried to stop ned from going up there bc he'd have found out about the baby and tried to stop them and at that point who gives a fuck if lyanna died or not but he'd have liked... let her die and kill ned in the process and done that most likely, and sorry but when they knightly vows are, I would like to remind everyone, In the name of the Warrior I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father I charge you to be just. In the name of the Mother I charge you to defend the young and innocent. In the name of the Maid I charge you to protect all women…. like... what, what exactly has this dude done that would qualify as that? because lyanna would be young and innocent and a woman and he basically is letting her die, that behavior does not qualify as bravery and he'd like... deny the kid a chance of growing up with his family period if he killed ned and he didn't seem to particularly give a fuck las we checked, and that's like not counting the whole 'oh I won't tell the 15yo who idolizes me that he's signing

his life away to trauma nor I will support him for shit when he does' part of it, but the tower of joy stuff is shady whichever way you look at it and honestly the more time passes the more I'm convinced this guy is just a complete pos and the worst of them all except gregor when it comes to like 'people thinking you're a good knight and you're actually a pos instead' and I'm dying on that hill until george proves me wrong

and on that the thing is that... I ranted about it once here but basically jaime idolizes the shit out of him because he never saw that even if his subconscious kinda knows because when he had the weirwood dream his greatest fear was confronting the former kg and everyone was accusing him of stuff he couldn't have physically prevented (more ranting on the weirwood dream here) and he's there like 'ah I wanted to be arthur dayne but I became the smiling knight instead' but like... actually he is more of a true knight than arthur dayne can ever hope to be? because like in the above meta I was talking specifically about how to pia he's like... better than arthur dayne, but like not to be that person but jaime who thinks he's the gregor clegane of his time and not arthur dayne, while arthur dayne was... doing the shady toj thing with lyanna - saved an entire city from aerys blowing it up - risked his neck for brienne even if he didn't even like her as in he got himself kicked in a healing stump when he couldn't even stand up for himself so she wouldn't be raped - risked his neck going back for her at harrenhal and jumped into the bear pit without even knowing how he'd manage it - was actually being a decent person to tommen until c. forced him to leave - the moment he saw what happened with pia he gave her her rapist's head when she's like a commoner no one gaf about and took her into her service - when his squire wanted to bed her he like told him to be kind to her jfc - is per tyrion the only relative who actually loved him/freed him/actually stuck up for him (and tysha is on tywin thank you all very much and jaime feels so great about it he doesn't think about it until he can't anymore) (also he was the one chasing the bandits away in the first place so he was probably there like oH I HELPED A MAIDEN too lmao god fuck tywin) - actually stuck for his cat vow bc he took riverrun without bloodshed - sent brienne after sansa with the magic amazing sword because he wanted to upheld their shared vow to cat going against his own family - the moment brienne shows up like hey wanna blow this joint and leave the army you don't wanna lead to find sansa he didn't even like blink before saying yes and I'm supposed to think that in between him and arthur dayne he isn't the only one who actually stuck to his vows as well as he could/knows anything about them/is actually a trueknight™? because lmao the fact that jaime doesn't fancy himself one because of aerys when everyone fancies arthur dayne one when the latter did absolutely fucking nothing beyond slaying bandits to put his money where his mouth was while jaime didn't even like brand himself like that and still did all of that and half of it was acting on instinct not even like doing the math before and *he* was the one wanting to be knighted at fifteen and took his vows seriously when oh wait knightly vows are basically the epitome of selflessness is like again grrm trolling the hell out of everyone characters included but it's clear from the narrative imvho and I can't wait for the moment he serves the just desserts and a) jaime realizes it b) everyone else in-narrative realizes it c) bran timetravels to the fucking toj and we find out what actually went down there and this saint arthur narrative is burned to the ground because honestly no

there, I think I spat out almost all of my venom XD

[florafey]

Thoughts on QoN

I started reading The Queen of Nothing on 19 November, 2019, and finished it about fifteen minutes ago on 23 November, 2019. Much as I did with The Wicked King, here are my thoughts while reading.

Spoilers, of course, are under the cut

- Oak is EIGHT??? I’ve been writing him like a three year old this whole time lol whoops sorry Oak

- Idk how to feel about this whole Vivi/Heather thing it smells like manipulation to me

- Lmao Jude’s a freelancer gotta love it

- I have now named my Goblin Brain Grima Mog how dope is that name fr

- Jude is an adrenaline addict and that’s a fact

- “It feels good to be fighting someone other than myself” SWEETIE CARDAN LOVES YOU

- Oooooooh I like Grima Mog I have a feeling she and Jude are going to cross paths again, maybe in Faeire

- (Also not surprised by Grima’s prediction of Cardan being dethroned soon that boy hates his job more than retail workers during the holidays)

- Oh look, three books in and Jude is finally admitting her feelings for Cardan

- I love the juxtaposition between Taryn in her pretty dress and Jude literally being two steps from death and not seeming to care lol

- Hmmmm okay I want to believe that Taryn killed Locke but couldn’t this just be a way to get Jude back into Faerie??? Idk why they would want that but I don’t trust Taryn 

- (Also I hope Locke is dead it would be Taryn’s one redeeming quality)

- ooooooohhhhhh shit Taryn’s PREGNANT AASHHSJSDKJDKSSKLDSJDJSJ HAHAHHAHAH this is too good oh no

- There’s literally zero chance of this plan of Jude pretending to be Taryn is going to go well. Or even close to well

- “Squeeze hug” awww that’s gonna be in a fic I promise

- This feels like The Parent Trap

- I’m sweating

- ITS CAAAAAAARDAAAAAAAN 

- Oh and his tail is out wow good for him

- Fuck a duck I love his tail

- And gold eyeliner, stellar cosmetic choice if I may say so

- Yep I knew it see here she goes off to his chambers he’s gonna find out eeeeekkkkk

- He knowsssssss he been knew of COURSE he been knew how could I be so stupid to think he didn’t know it was Jude this whole time I’m a clown and a fool

- Wow I’m kind of soft right now I love my babies and they clearly love each other but they’re being so ANGSTY AAAAAA

- “Wisdom is for the meek” uhh??? Madoc what are you talking about bud

- Ahhhh see now Jude is getting protective over her throne and crown, she’s blooming into a Queen....good shit for sure

- Also Jude better be the spy she was born to be now that she’s in Madoc’s camp and he thinks she’s Taryn

- Oh, she’s going foraging in the woods? By herself? Yeah, this is gonna go great, Oriana, really

- Yeah def can’t trust Grimsen although I love how Holly Black describes his work and how they’re beautiful but also deadly and cursed

- I’d like to hear more about how he tried to kill Cardan with that ruby earring and failed lol

- tHE GHOST??? What the hell is he doing here???? Am I the only one who just thought homeboy was dead?? Yikes lol

- Ugh Locke was such a Man good thing he’s rotting now

- “You’re scheming” “I’m always scheming” yeah ain’t that the truth bby

- uh oh MOMMY KNOWS heheheheheh

- Well no wonder Cardan turned out like this look at how he was raised, poor boy

- I mean, to be fair, look at Jude while you’re at it

- Oh hey it’s the Roach

- OH HEY ITS CARDAN

- Awwww Vivi went to Cardan because she thought Jude was in trouble and not only did he go to the Roach to go get Jude but he came too !! wow for people who can’t stand each other they make quite the gang 

- I love how inconvenienced Cardan seems by Locke’s death but not actually sad lol what a mood

- Breaking into Grimsen’s forge does NOT sound like a good idea no sir

- Ugh king and queen wow

- I cannot WAIT for Madoc to realize the Jude is the High Queen I cannot

- AYYYY MY GIRL GRIMA MOG what did I tell y’all, hmmm?

- Wow Madoc really just stabbed Jude like that and is going to leave her ??? the disrespect

- Ohh my god oh wow her blood is making flowers grow she’s a QUEEN wow look at that, you go bby

- Ah fuck Jude, you got set up by the bumb ass father you have

- ABAHAHAHAHHHAH this isn’t funny but Jude falling from the rafters onto the banquet table is on par with the beauty of Kaz and Wylan falling through the ceiling onto Van Eck’s dining room table heheheh

- @hollyblack can I breathe??? Shit girl

- Cardan said THATS MY WIFE 

- Wow Cardan washing Jude’s hands herself??? This boy is in loooove

- Oak and Jude’s maid playing Uno ????? Iconic

- “You’re generally terrifying” oh same Cardan

- So Jude really could have pardoned herself this whole time!!!!!! Come ON sis how didn’t you pick up on that WE picked up on it (don’t worry tho we know you’ve been stressed it’s okay you’re here now)

- And Cardan really expected her to pardon herself I have no words for this boy 

- Jude and Cardan’s relationship is so strange but at least it’s healthy now, you know?

- Look at Cardan being vulnerable and Jude not being mean to him for it 

- He’s being KIIIIIND WHAATTT

- “This is my room, and that’s my wife” AAHAHAHHAHH

- Cardan touches her hair oh my gooooooood i’m dying send help

- Can y’all tell I’ve been deprived lol

- Hahahahah Jude trashed Lady Asha, as she should 

- So I think I like QoN Cardan the most, although I did find Cardan in the first two books terribly entertaining to read about (Srry Jude)

- So Taryn seems to be behaving better than she did in the first two books, kind of being a badass, knowing the Ghost’s true name and all

Cardan likes hearing about slushy machines are you kiDDING ME????

- “Our marriage is an alliance” okay but you sleeping in his shirts isn’t, now, is it? Or how about him petting your hair? Or you thinking he looks cute in gold eyeliner?? lol Jude get real

- Aw I like this Fand/Jude freindship us girls gotta look out for each other

- Grima Mog more like Grima MOM lol

- “Big horns, little dude” LMAO HEATHER STOPP

- I’m enjoying Heather, I have to say

- Finally they kiss it only took TWO HUNDRED PAGES 

- oh guys they really like each other im soft

- Casual hand holding? yes 

- I can’t believe these are the same idiots who were trying to drown each other in the first book 

- look they’re trying to be vulnerable and without armor I’m gonna cry

- I feel quite uneasy about this Queen Suren girl who’s parents have her leashed somehow

- Oh wow fuck Grimsen am I right

- Oh SHIT Cardan really broke the crown like it didn’t mean shit to him...the development...the wisdom

- Cardan really said I want my WIFE and my PEOPLE 

- Oh wait fuck fuck fuck oh no stop wait

- Lmao Jude collapsing on the floor is literally me whenever I have to be in charge

- Okay there’s gotta be a way out of this, I didn’t mean it literally when I said Cardan was a snake

- Hey, Jude’s like, smart as shit, no?

- Hahahaha she basically said “Cardan is like, 90% of my impulse control”

- I love how Taryn is hyping Jude up throughout this while shitshow, I love how the two of them have developed past their book one probems

- The Bomb teasing Jude about the dust on her skirts made my day

- Look at Jude really having healthy realtionships with the women around her, I’m so proud of my little murder gir

- Nicassia better come in clutch here, I don’t trust Jarel or Nore not one bit

- Uhhh that story Heather told about the snake that wanted to marry the princess made me howl with laughter and I don’t think it was supposed to

- Vivi got Cardan a snowglobe that says “Congratulations on your promotion” for his coronation gift and he kept did DID EVERYONE HEAR ME I SAID VIVI-

- Oh damn Kaye alright no need for all that

- Ohhhh I had totally forgot about the dress in book one that Jude ordered but received a different one instead... Cardan sent it?? wild 

- Okay I hope Jude knows what she’s doing but when has she ever not

- The UNDERSEA HEEEEEELLL YEAH

- Oh look and Cardan!!!!!!! Yeah Jude knew what she was doing that’s my girl

- Awwww look at that hug wow the development these two have been through is unreal I’ll keep saying it 

- “I knew little else, but I always knew you” KILL ME

- Oh wow mortals and mingling more with the folk this is good

- Robert of Jersey lmaoooo

- So the Ghost and Taryn ??? Kind of funny but I’m kind of here for it

- I’m literally so close to tears and I’m not kidding they’re having a fucking WEDDING CELEBRATION in the MORTAL WORLD with a banner that says “Congrats Newlyweds” yeah I’m crying now thanks a lot Holly

- Cardan adjusts his paper crown in the microwave reflection so it’s skewed......I don’t think I can react any more I really afjsflsdk

-Wow that was better than anything I could have imagined, hoped for, dreamed of

- The character development, the plot, the resolution, EVERTHING was astounding I’m blown away

This was long as shit If you made it this far, I appreciate you lol. Now go read all three Folk of the Air books again. Go now

[volturialice]

Spork Haven chapter 23: salt fucking peter

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward got an outlandish fucking award and became Best Actor!Edward! hotel maid murder witness cello prodigy orphaned ““cajun”” heiress!Bella was his date to the awards show! Ed looked into Emmett’s dark burning eyes and had a Moment! Bella felt dizzy and then went missing! will the Volturi mafia succeed in murdering her? let’s hope so stick around and find out!

warning: this chapter is incredibly long. please check the tags for content warnings—there are a lot! it’s eventful, though, so we’ll give it a pass. but settle in and make yourself comfortable. maybe go get a drink or something. I know I needed a drink after I read this garbage.

chapter 23 opens with Edward attempting to process the fact that Bella has disappeared. he does this in what I have to admit is a pretty seamless fusion of el james’s and stephenie meyer’s trademark styles (negative space here preserved for authenticity):

wow. eat your heart out, New Moon.

once we’ve experienced that bit of totally original typesetting magic, Edward leaps into action! 

just kidding. he’s “totally fucking immobilized.” paralyzed with fear, he “stifles a sob” and toys with whether to “wail, scream, and tear his hair out with impotence”

luckily, he’s very good at giving himself pep talks:

this bracing self-administered kick in the pants unfreezes him, allowing him to summon the mental faculties to go get Emmett.

Emmett clears the ladies’ room and calls for backup. He and Edward search the restroom and are joined by a rando Local security guard as they discover—gasp!—a secret second exit to the bathroom (shoutout to the phoenix airport womens’ room, amirite?) leading into a service tunnel.

the Local security guard informs them that the tunnel leads to an alley, but the alley’s only exit is onto Hollywood Boulevard. you know, the street currently clogged with limos, paparazzi, cameras, and fans. idk about y’all but I’m starting to think this kidnap attempt may have been just a tad poorly conceived. why kidnap her at all? they had ample time to kill her, dump her body in the service tunnel, and make their escape unencumbered.

as Ed, Emmett, and Local race down the service tunnel, Emmett radios for Jasper to go around and cut the Bad Guys off in the alley. Edward is the slowest of the bunch

so he quickly falls behind the other two.

he’s trying to catch up when—wait! what’s that on the ground? something...sparkly?

that’s right: he pauses in chasing after Bella and her kidnapper in order to notice “six thousand dollars’ worth of earring” lying on the ground.

then he stops and picks it up.

now, I know what you’re thinking, guys—is he seriously stopping to pick up a lost earring when Bella’s life is in danger?—but keep in mind, these earrings were twelve thousand dollars. also, Edward loves earrings! they make him horny! what else is he supposed to suck on at Bella’s funeral?

I mean, yeah, if your worst fear was that Bella might lose an earring.

what indeed, Edward. what indeed. 

imagine for a second that you’re Emmett in this fic. you’re a law enforcement professional racing to protect your charge’s life, bellowing into your walkie for backup, preparing to apprehend an armed and dangerous suspect in an area full of innocent civilians...when suddenly, from somewhere far behind you in the dingy gloom of the service tunnel, you hear the sniveling, British-accented voice of the bitchass manchild celebrity who’s tagging along:

“I’vE fOuNd hEr eArRiNg!”

jesus.

still ahead of Eddie boy, Emmett and Local burst out into the alley, guns drawn. Edward hears gunfire and is terrified for Bella as he finally catches up and arrives at the scene.

this is about where erika’s writing gets...incredibly confusing. and not in a POV, “we’re in the character’s head experiencing the chaos with him in real time” way. more like in a “several dozen drunk blind amputees playing Twister” way. this is my cute way of saying “it’s bad” and “I had to read it four times before it began to make sense.”

in the alley, all is chaos. a gun has just gone off

I’m sorry. salt...peter? saltpeter? did someone shoot off a Ye Olde Civil War Musket? I know fuckall about firearms and even I know they phased that shit out in the fucking 1880s.

and while we’re here, fun trivia fact about saltpeter: in Olden Times, people would ingest saltpeter in order to nuke their sex drives. silly Olden Times! if it’s a bonerkiller you’re after, all you have to do is read this fic!

ok, back to the alley. security are cordoning it off, keeping the “fucking jackal” paparazzi at bay (already?)

the LAPD are arriving (already??) 

but perhaps most interestingly,

real quick before we get into whose body it is, why we’re sexually objectifying it, and what it’s oozing, I just wanna draw your attention to the construction of that sentence. the artistry, if you will. below, I have replaced some of the nouns so that we may all appreciate the sheer poetry of the syntax:

“there’s a fucking meatball lying prone on the floor, all covered with cheese, a dark cloud oozing under the meatball.”

sitting a few feet away from the Skirt & Heels Body™ is Jasper, cradling the unconscious Bella. you could be forgiven for thinking that first body (you know, the oozing one) was Bella’s, because that’s what the narration wants you to think. the effect is somehow both enhanced and ruined by the fact that Bella’s actual body is mentioned in the next sentence. erika really tried to have her suspense cake and eat it too, with the result that by the time I finished reading this paragraph, I had absolutely no idea how many bodies there were or who they belonged to, which ones had on a skirt and heels, which ones were oozing, and where.

another excerpt I should probably share is the paragraph where we describe Edward reacting to this tragic pietà.

here’s our text, raw and unedited:

I can’t even begin to list all the ways this paragraph makes me uncomfortable, so I won’t attempt to.

anyway. remember how in the last chapter, there was an incredibly gay bit where Edward looked into Emmett’s dark, burning eyes? fasten your seatbelts because we’re about to blow that bit out of the water.

ｌｕｍｉｎｏｕｓ ｈａｚｅｌ ｅｙｅｓ

filled with

𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝑒𝓂𝑜𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝐼 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓃𝒶𝓂𝑒

the next sentence tries to take us back into heterosexual territory with

are we meant to understand that Jasper’s luminous hazel eyes are saying “don’t you just wish it was you getting to cradle Bella’s unconscious, injured body?” yes, that is exactly what we’re meant to understand. this attitude continues as Bella is loaded into an ambulance. at first, Jasper tries to stop Edward from coming, then the paramedic says they can both come but only if they sit on opposite sides of the ambulance like kindergarteners in Time Out.

l o n g i n g l y

the paramedics also checked the other body (you know, the oozing skirt and heels body) and Edward made a startling observation:

though oozing, the mystery person is still alive, and a second ambulance hauls off

and here I was thinking all this story needed to make it complete was some veiled transphobia! what a fun new direction for erika.

once at the hospital, Ed is banished to the waiting room with Emmett, Jasper, and Taylor. the doctors won’t let him see Bella, even when he tells them he’s her fiancé.

hmm. is it just me or is there a movie about this exact scenario?

yep, there are at least two movies about this exact scenario.

after the “fiancé” thing, Edward picks up on some bad vibes from Jasper

interesting. can you feel MY animosity hit you like a brick fucking wall? I guess it’s more of a brick fucking skyscraper at this point.

things we learn at the hospital:

Bella was roofied! so if you voted “poisoned” in the poll, I’m gonna give you this one. congrats on your victory.

Bella is fine now

Jasper shot the mysterious kidnapper in the chest. 

that’s right, Jasper is the cause of all the oozing. well done, Jasper. good luminous hazel eye.

finally, Bella wakes up and asks to see Edward. He goes back to see her 

and

she

dumps his ass.

not for any Sane People reasons, of course. having decided she’s “too dangerous to be around,” she breaks up with him in a scene straight out of New Moon, complete with “eyes full of tortured pain” and dialogue like

“You are too precious to me. Please. Go.”

Edward spends the whole scene in panicked denial, to the point where he’s practically gaslighting Bella, telling her she’s just been through a traumatic ordeal and she can’t possibly mean what she’s saying. 

then he interrupts her mid-breakup 

to fucking propose.

🤣🤣🤣 READ THE ROOM, BUDDY. Bella is resolute for the first time in her doormat life, turns down the proposal, and firmly breaks things off with Edward. he returns her earring (you remember, the six thousand dollar earring we paused in the middle of the climactic chase scene to pick up), “inhales her fragrant hair for the last time,” and leaves.

and with that, the chapter is FINALLY over.

possibility.mp3

best “fucks”

“level fucking head”

“a fucking microsecond”

“fucking sirens”

“loud fucking noises”

“enough fucking damage”

“a soothing fucking balm”

“fucking Hale”

“fucking purgatory” (the hospital waiting room)

“pale as fuck” (bella)

“fucking lifeless” (bella)

“non-believing fucking arse” (edward)

“like a fucking idiot” (edward)

best “shits”

next chapter: fucking blinds and curtains

[birdieklein]

hello, official introduction time. my name is, i’m twenty-two, and i’m currently wasting a lot of time playing animal crossing. don’t ask me how much. it’s a lot of time. a lot. 

anywho, this, my dear friends, is beatrice rose galloway-klein. her mama is the only one who uses her full name because most people just call her birdie ( much to her mama’s chagrin ), and some call her gallo, but only if they’re feeling frisky. she’s aiming to be the president of the united states one day, and honestly ? she could get there. but for now, she’s only twenty. she’s escaped from southern belle hell but the accent and taste for pecan pie hasn’t left her. she has a drawl thicker than fog in the spring, and she could charm the birds out of trees. currently, she’s a part of house machiavelli, and she’s studying political science and political theory. honestly, she’s just a delight, and i’m peachy keen to start plotting with everyone ! 

below the cut is a full bio & ideas for plotting.

Blurb:

A firecracker. A fur coat draped over her shoulders as she lounges on the couch. She’s smarter than she seems, watching and waiting, thirsting for secrets. She drinks pink wine from a bottle, and she’s waiting for a chance to wear a crown on her head.

Backstory:

You are a beauty queen failure much to your mama’s chagrin but her words can’t hurt you because you are untouchable. Bold and brazen, nothing can bring you down. It’s funny. You should have been soft and demure, but you are anything but. You walk into a room and eyes are on you. That’s how it’s meant to be. One day, eyes will be on you, and everyone will listen. You can imagine it all too well. You are going to be something and damn anyone who thinks they can get in your way.

History:

Birdie Klein is born in the high heat of summer in southern Alabama to a beauty queen and the state governor. She is a fussy thing, yelling and never settling down. Her parents adore her, though, for completely different reasons. Her mama sees good cheekbones and pageants in her future, while her daddy sees her as something to love and adore. It is clear who her favorite parent would be from the beginning.

The house she grows up in --- the manor --- is too big for a child. The walls are tall and the windows go from the floor to the ceiling. she gets lost in the curtains between masses of fabric. there is art on the wall, photographs and paintings. she is told from the beginning: look, don’t touch. That's her whole childhood, mottos like that. sit, stay still. walk, don’t run. it is stifling. She is tied up in ribbons and taffeta and she hates it. she stares out the window, longingly towards the trees in the yard. The respite in her life is trips to her grandmother’s. Birdie runs free through the orchard, skinning her knees and scraping her palms. It's a little bit of normalcy. but she always has to return to that too-big house. it’s filled with more people who aren’t family than those who are. there are chefs and maids and butlers and nannies and tutors. Birdie knows them all by name. They take care of her more than her parents. they deal with the tantrums and fits. 

She is eight when she steps into her first private school. She does well enough in classes ( her reports home constantly say that she would do better if she only applied herself ) and she thrives surrounded by her peers. she does what’s expected of her, but really nothing more. she has her passions and throws herself into them, of course. feminism. women’s studies. suffrage. Little else really stimulates her. She does well on debate team --- she can talk and argue like no one else --- and she plays field hockey for the school team. 

She realizes just how much money her family has one day when she is talking to a ( gasp ) scholarship student at her school. She talks about flights on her daddy’s jet and vacations in majorca. She mentions her nanny and tutor and how they were replaced when she said she didn’t like them. She talks about christmas and how her wardrobe is completely replaced. She doesn’t realize when the other student falls silent, feeling awkward and out of place. Finally, she is hit with the knowledge that not everyone has what she does. She carefully tries not to flaunt her wealth after that, but sometimes it’s hard. She wears clothes that are worth more than some people’s entire. The names of brands that fall from her lips come easy. she knows her wealth can be … overwhelming … but she isn’t mad about it. She likes the life she has.

Birdie is fifteen when she realizes she wants to be just like her daddy. He is in politics, she wants to do the same. They definitely do not have the same ideas. She’s liberal as can be, he’s more moderate. She wants change. He tells her it takes time. she wants it now. During her high school summers, she goes to D.C. and works as an intern in a congresswoman’s office. She doesn’t do much more than make copies, send faxes, and get coffee, but she’s in the room where it happens. She is seeing how the world works and how real change gets made. she tells herself one day she’ll work in one of these offices still. Of course, when that happens, her name will be on the door. It will be her office. It will be her changes that are being made.

She gets into Astor with no trouble. It’s her dream school. She’s going to become something there, surely. How could she not ? 

Connection Ideas

and they were roommates ( oh my god, they were roommates ): listen give me a machiavelli for her to share a room with. if they’re on good terms, think of it as a long sleepover. birdie loves to gossip. she paints her toes cherry red, and she’ll paint her roommates’, too, if they’re nice. she’ll chit chat and charm their way into their heart quick as a whip. OF COURSE, they could find birdie annoying. if that’s the case, consider this: birdie’ll try to kill ‘em with kindness and a ton of ‘ bless your heart ‘s. /// OPEN

for the love of appearances : consider this: birdie, proud, in heels that would make her mama’s heart stop, you by her side, looking just as good. a relationship for the image, nothing more. maybe behind closed doors, they bicker like hell and they hate each other. maybe they’re friends. who’s to say .we can definitely play around. there are a lot of options and variables. /// OPEN

hook up hell : listen, birdie loves her appearance. hook ups ? don’t look good for a politician. but they’re fun as hell, and who’s to say a girl can’t enjoy herself every once in a while ? i imagine birdie has joked about making her hook ups sign a non-disclosure agreement before. she was also probably only half kidding. also we can decide if there are real feelings ????? if there’s angst ??????????? love angst here. /// OPEN

friends : okay so birdie is a firecracker, super sociable, super fun ( with limits tho let’s be real -- a politician can have nO SKELETONS IN HER CLOSET ). she’s got a cherry red convertible, a credit card with no limit ---- she likes impressing her friends. i’m not saying she buys her friends, but if the shoe fits ..... /// OPEN

rich bitch friends : birdie’s something of a socialite slash heiress slash really doesn’t ever need to work if she didn’t want to sort of person ?? i imagine she grew up around a lot of people in similar positions ???? so like childhood friends ????? not close, but forced together by obligation ?????? we can EXPLORE /// OPEN

idk my bff jill : listen, birdie needs at least one real friend, someone who sees her beyond the red lipstick and cat-eye mascara. they take away the charm and the southern drawl and they see someone who’s scared of not reaching their goals, who’s scared of losing their mama entirely, someone who just wants to be liked. /// CLOSED to ESTELLA

enemies : c’mon someone must have to not like birdie, i’m sorry, it’s true. there are so many possibilities. maybe birdie’s ambition rubs them the wrong way. maybe birdie is just .... too much. maybe they don’t like her wealth. a loooooot of options.  /// OPEN

[mystech-master]

Alright (finally have something other than okay *fist pump*), this is something I was discussing with a friend of mine:

One of the big problems many people have with Persona 5 is the fact that Joker can make adult women his girlfriend:

Sadayo Kawakami your Homeroom teacher, kind of a big deal

Tae Takemi the local Clinic Doctor

Ichiko Ohya the reporter

and Chihaya Mifune the Fortune Teller.

SO, what I decided to do is think of “What would happen if we tried to age them down” sort of in vain of ScruffyTurtle’s Adult Confidant AU.

The thing here is, how does it affect their Confidant and Story

In order from most to least easy to change to a teen

Chihaya Mifune: Aging her down doesn’t really have to change anything. She can just move to the City with her parents, but because it was so sudden they really need money, hence why Chihaya has to work as a Fortune Teller. Her being the “Maiden of Relief” doesn’t have to change much.

Tae Takemi: I had the idea that Teen!Tae maybe working at her parent’s Pharmacy, so we can keep the “Tae gets us healing items” thing. She’d have one of those sick masks but it’d have like teeth on it like this

not too sure on her Confidant plot because if she isn’t a doctor and just a kid we can’t have the “I couldn’t cure this sick girl and now I can’t realize how much the people of this town appreciate me”. So IDK.

Ichiko Ohya: This one I admit I gave the least thought to I’ll admit. I just thought that what if we combine Ohya with the Newspaper Girl that everyone seems to love. But I have NO idea how you’d incorporate her Confidant skills OR her story.

and now the big one

Sadayo Kawakami: I can’t really think of how to age her down and still have it work. Her being a Confidant/ally to the Thieves means that her covering for Joker when he fakes his death. Also, her Confidant story ONLY makes sense if she is a teacher. Her being a maid obviously wouldn’t change much. But worrying about being put into the lewd sister company, I FEEL like it’d be WAY too similarly to Ann’s whole deal in the Kamoshida arc (worrying about being made into sexual eye candy).

If you want to give your own ideas of how to age down the 4 Adult ladies in vanilla P5, feel free to speak up. Remember to consider how it would affect their Confidant story and the bonuses you get from their Confidant. Don’t just quote scruffy, be original

[clock-corpse]

Kinda Important About How I Write Sakuya But Also Not Really?

I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about and I probably sound like a bumbling idiot but,

I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been writing Sakuya and I’m kind of unhappy with a few things. Really only regarding how she feels about killing people and how she used to deceive women. I’m gonna talk more about it under the cut.

Okay so, as of right now I have Sakuya regretting doing all of these things, but I feel kinda iffy about her feeling only regret and some desire to do it all again. I understand that feelings like these are rather complicated so maybe it wouldn’t be too much of a big deal if I did a minor retcon, but I felt like I should let my followers know anyway.

I’ve been thinking of how she would feel being a serial killer and also lying to women. I feel like more than anything else, she would feel more terrible about lying to women for sexual desires rather than killing them. These feelings would of course conflict if she were to sleep with a woman and kill them the same night in present day. I’ve been kinda writing her as if she regrets all of it which she does. She’s human so she can’t change these kinds of internal feelings no matter how much she tries to bury them. 

Here’s the thing. When she was a kid and was first made the maid of the mansion, she didn’t want to kill people. She’s already done so before and felt terrible about it. Having to chop up humans to serve made her physically sick but eventually she grew used to it. I was thinking what if she actually took up killing as some kind of twisted way to cope with it. Kind of forcing herself to treating humans worse than they treated her.

Anyway idk if anything of what I’m saying makes sense but, right now I’m a little unsure of how I’m writing Sakuya in this area. Mostly because these are complicated feelings and emotions and I obviously wouldn’t know anything about them personally. I might actually need to take up true crime again and research because who knows it might help improve my writing. Anyway, this is just something that has been on my mind. Now I’m gonna go edit that bio finally because I fucking hate it I mean it this time I’m not gonna get distracted.

[emiliachrstine]

jackie and steve for the ask thingy

How did they they meet? They meet at SHIELD! Jackie was the head of the team to monitor Steve while he was still “sleeping”. After a pretty dramatic moment where Steve escapes and they lock eyes for the first time, they have their first conversation when Steve is brought back.

Who developed romantic feelings first? They actually both do but they’re so stubborn and oblivious that they don’t really want to accept it at first. For one, Jackie feels that it’s kinda weird because the dude was born in 1918 and was technically old enough to be her grandpa or even great-grandpa, and two, Steve kinda feels guilty about moving on and he’s a little afraid to embrace any sort of future for him where his past is no longer linked to him. But once they kiss it’s like over for the two of them ajsdhakj

Who is their biggest “shipper?” OH MY GOD. Okay, honestly, there are probably a few people. Gabby definitely being one of them. Sharon is a close second. I would say Alex as well. And Tony even though there is a lot of angst involving the three of them. And no matter what transpires between Tony and Steve, Tony knows that Steve loves Jackie so like he really is supportive of them.

When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances? Okay their first “kiss” happens at the mall when they are trying to escape from Rumlow and STRIKE. But their first official kiss is when they get back to SHIELD at the end of TWS to stop INSIGHT and Jackie is in a disguise and needs to get to the main control room to stop the launch. Steve basically pulls her aside and says to be careful but there’s more to it than that. He doesn’t want anything to happen to her and he doesn’t want to lose her. So Jackie is the one to initiate the kiss and tells him to be careful as well! YO IM SMILING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

Who confessed their feelings first? From what I have planned, Steve is the one who confesses it first

What was their first official date? A motorcycle ride through the city, a walk through the park and eating a bunch of street foods. I do have an idea for a chapter where Tony throws a gala of sorts and they would totally be each other’s dates.

How do they feel about double dates/group dates? They love them!!! They love going on double dates with Alex and Sharon and also Tony and Pepper. 

What do they do in their down time? Often they’ll put on a record and would just sit and talk. They love being in each other’s company and can spend quite a bit of time just sitting in silence together. 

What was the first meeting of parents as an official couple like? Steve first met Jackie’s parents at Thanksgiving and it went off really well!! With her father’s Alzheimer’s it wasn’t ideal but Steve will grow a great admiration for his future father in law. And her mother grew up with stories of Steve so she was a little star struck when she met him. But Kathleen will grow to have a real maternal bond with Steve. 

What was their first fight over and how did they get past it? They’re first real fight happens when they are reunited between CW and IW. It’s about the Accords, Bucky, how Steve kept the knowledge of Tony’s parents a secret, that he didn’t care about her or their kid. Like, Jackie really lays it into him and Steve tries to remain calm but when she says that he basically didn’t give a shit about her or Madison, that kinda makes him snap. So it’s a pretty big fight they have. They get through…just by getting through it. After they air out their grievances, Jackie starts to soften towards him again. But Madison getting pretty sick during their stay in Wakanda is what starts them on the path back towards each other. 

Which one is more easily made jealous? Uhhh idk maybe both of them??? They never get into instances that would make them feel jealous. Although, Jackie does encounter some women who flirt with Steve and she’s just all, “okay listen I know he’s gorgeous but back up because he’s MY MAN” And Steve would be more reserved with his jealously but Jackie could spot it a mile away. In FACT, if I do that gala chapter I might have Steve get a little jealous when a man pays particular attention to Jackie, ooohh.

What is their favourite thing to get to eat? Burgers or sandwiches, depending on what they’re in the mood for

Who’s the cuddly one? What their favourite cuddling position? They are both very cuddly!!! The only way they can fall asleep is if they are close or holding each other. The most common position is Jackie resting her head on his chest and an arm wrapped around him. But there are instances where Steve is the big spoon or if Jackie can’t fall asleep, Steve would find his way to her with his head resting on her chest and she would just stroke his hair. Wow they’re so soft

Are they hand holders? Not necessarily. Out in public, at most they would just have their arms link together. Hand holding, or hand touching, is a pretty intimate gesture between them. It’s their silent way of saying “I love you, I’m here for you and everything’s going to be okay”

How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time? What’s the circumstances? Okay so I see them having sex for the first time between AOU and CW which is like almost two years after they first showed interest in each other. So they definitely waited their time!

Who tops? ASJDKAS Okay so since I’m going with the whole Steve Being A Virgin, at first, Jackie tops so she can show him how it’s done. But since Steve is a quick learner, he tops quite a bit. But they switch it up! 

What’s the worst first they’ve ever gotten into? The first worst?? Hmmm, I know i already talked about this earlier, but their first big fight is their first worst ever so yeahh

Who does the shopping and the cooking? Steve does most of the shopping and they always make it a tradition to cook together. Especially when the kids come along, it becomes their family time.

Which one is more organized and prone to tidiness? Both of them. They aren’t liked OCD about it or anything. But they do like to keep their home nice and neat. And with Steve having been in the military, that type of structure is what he’s used to. 

Who proposes? Steve and it’s the softest, most emotional thing ever. I think I’ve talked about it a couple of times, but the event is so them. Like, UGH I can’t wait to write it out!

Do they have joined Bachelor/Bachelorette parties or separate? So in a world that isn’t agnst ridden, yes they would have separate parties. But in my story, steve and jackie will get a “party” in a sense but it’s nothing like over the top.

Who is the best man/maid of honour? Any other groomsmen or bridesmaids? Okay so again, in a non-angst ridden world where the snap never happened, I can see Bucky & Sam being Steve’s Best Man. He would extend the offer to Tony who is more than happy to just be a viewer in the audience. And Jackie would have Sharon, Gabby, Natasha and Wanda in her bridal party. I think Sharon would be her maid of honor though.

Big Ceremony or Small? A big ceremony in the AU happy world but in my story there really isn’t a ceremony. It’s Steve and Jackie with a priest that’s been a family friend of her’s and maybe like two or three people in attendance. 

Do they have a honeymoon? If so, where?  Tony would pay for their honeymoon that would be on some tropical island that’s really peaceful. But their honeymoon in my story is Natasha taking care of Madison for the weekend and they get the house to themselves. John may or may not be conceived on this weekend *wink wink*

Do they have children? How many? We already know this. They have two amazing child whom they love and adore. These bundles of joy their entire world. Madison and John. I have been toying with the idea of another girl being born but I really like the family of four dynamic.

[misscrawfords]

I can’t stop thinking about that terrible movie, The Christmas Wedding Planner. It doesn’t deserve 1/10th of the mental energy I’m giving it and yet here we are.

The main problem is that just a few tweaks could have made it a decent film and that the things that were wrong with it were just so wrong. So I’m making two lists. The first is its greatest atrocities. The second is what I’d tweak to turn it into something watchable, even good.

The premise: Kelsey is a rookie wedding planner, about to get her big break with her rich cousin Emily’s wedding to the oh so charming, Todd. Then she bumps into Connor, Emily’s ex, a private investigator mysteriously charged with investigating Todd. He wants to recruit Kelsey to help him with his investigation. She wants him to piss off. Sparks fly while my suspension of disbelief remains firmly rooted to the ground.

This post will contain spoilers. I really wouldn’t bother caring. Buckle yourself in - we’re going for a very inane ride!

Problems

The leads have no chemistry at all. This is obviously a problem. Buying a romance and attraction between them was just impossible. Their first kiss was meant to be awkward but, my god, surely not THAT awkward! 

This lack of chemistry was added to a flat script that clearly was trying to present Kelsey and Connor as a sparring love-hate dynamic who grow to appreciate each other and eventually come to realise that their connection is really deep as they share the same values. But, uh, that may have been the intention but not the story that came across on the screen. Which was just two people who irritated each other suddenly and for no reason getting upset about how the other was behaving after knowing each other for about three days and then...

THEY GOT FLIPPING MARRIED. I mean. WHAT. They’ve kissed twice. They know basically nothing about each other. Half an hour previously she thought he was a villain. This isn’t romantic, this is INSANE. I give them till the end of the honeymoon.

She’s called Kelsey. Like, that’s not a name. It’s just a random word. (This is petty as hell, but still.)

Kelsey has a “tragic backstory” where her mum died and she’s narrating her life in text messages to her mum which are text message overlays of exposition in case the viewer is finding the plot too complex to follow. I have no idea why this exists. It goes nowhere.

A romantic comedy ends with Emily, described as the most perfectly lovely and sweet person, discovering at the altar that her almost-husband was cheating on her and got a maid pregnant and then dumping him. And then she watches her wedding planner get married to her ex-boyfriend who she barely knows. I don’t particularly care about Kelsey and Connor but I’m very, very concerned about Emily! Make your beta couple happy, you cowards!

Todd was cheating with the maid. Wow, what a radical secret. And then Emily just doesn’t even talk about it. She just accepts the wedding is off and wants to plan a girls trip away instead. She was going to MARRY this guy. Doesn’t she want to IDK hear his side of the story? Why so quick to believe the worst? I mean, wow, clearly she shouldn’t be marrying this guy if she doesn’t care, but she’s meant to be intelligent as well as beautiful!

So basically none of the characterisation makes sense. In that there basically isn’t any. Just plot points that apparently have to be hit. Like, Aunt Olivia is a bitchy Rich White Woman (tm) half the time and a caring, mother-figure the other half. I was getting whiplash keeping up with her 180 degree character changes.

Connor isn’t even vaguely attractive. Physically or emotionally. That’s kind of a problem in a romance film. (I mean, YMMV with the physical aspect but, eurgh really.) He’s as charismatic as a block of wood. She’s... eh. She’s a generic Hallmark movie protagonist.

The way these characters dress and look. It’s so... 90s? I don’t mean that exactly. I mean, everyone looks the same and it’s a kind of glossy Clueless vibe. The women are all in tailored mini dresses and with long waves of hair. The men wear slacks and a shirt and have a bit of stubble. They all live in massive mansions or cute apartments that are all spotlessly clean and neat. They literally look like Barbie dolls except even my dollhouse was more realistically lived in than any of these sets. It’s such a weird aesthetic. And it makes no sense for the demographic these people supposedly belong to.

Perfect, sweet Jane Bennet Emily has three caricatured bridesmaids who are horrible. Why? Why are bridesmaids always jealous, miserable bitches? WHERE ARE HER ACTUAL FRIENDS? Speaking of, who even has weddings like this? What is the deal? Who WANTS this kind of wedding? Who behaves like this about their wedding or their child’s wedding? I’m so confused. If this is some kind of fantasy, I wonder whose it is, because everything about it is horrible. Which brings me back to this all feeling very dated in its aesthetic and early 2000s obsession with skinny women getting carried away with designer weddings in romcoms written by men. IDEK. This is 2018 and we have Set It Up and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. This kind of film just doesn’t belong any more.

So that’s quite enough issues. Let’s try to solve a few and make this a better film.

Most of the problems could be solved by making the lead couple appealing. Cast different actors and write the script that they think they already have. If you can actually buy the narrative of two people who have more in common than they think growing closer from antagonists to partners, then the ridiculous ending where they decide to just get married could potentially work. POTENTIALLY. If they had more lingering looks that were genuinely hot, their awkward kiss melted into something real, their interactions sizzled with wit and suppressed passion then... yeah. Maybe then the spontaneous decision at the end would make you think, “Actually, yes, it’s mad but LOOK AT THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS!”

Work on characterisation. So Kelsey’s deal is she’s concentrating on managing other people’s happiness instead of concentrating on her own because she can’t let go after her mother’s death. This is kind of heavy for a romcom. Let’s scrap the dead mother altogether. Make Emily her actual sister instead of the cousin who is like a sister and make Aunt Olivia her mum. Streamlines everything. This is better. So Emily is the perfect daughter who is beautiful and sweet and having the perfect wedding and Kelsey is the younger daughter who is determined to make her way in the world without the family money. This causes friction because she thinks her mum favours Emily and her determination leads her to believe that if she gets involved in a serious relationship which would please her mother then she is compromising her desire to be independent. Cue touching moment near the end when her mother admits she’s got it all wrong and she admires Kelsey’s entrepreneurial spirit and reveals that it’s possible to have a career AND a relationship. None of this is rocket science or even that interesting but I’m trying to make this a better Hallmark movie, not Citizen Kane.

Connor’s turn. Good grief, get a better actor for a start. And the entire plot here needs to change now. Because the PI bit is good but being hired by Aunt Olivia because Todd is cheating is just... so BORING. So before we can improve Connor we need to work on what he’s there to do.

Time to look at the actual plot. Wedding planner forced to work against her will with PI to investigate the wedding she’s planning is a genuinely cool concept. We have a bunch of tropes here: spies! we had to kiss for cover! love to hate! fake dating! All of these need to be fully exploited and above all the spying has to be funny. This needs to be the centre of the film. Not a single montage. It needs to circle through every conceivable trope to romantic and comic effect. We need to see these two bickering and flirting and denying their attraction in ridiculous undercover situations. This should be basically 90% of the film. Because that I would watch. But “Todd is cheating” is beyond boring. So what will the scenario be?

A couple of options and I’m not sure what I’d go with at present. Firstly would be sticking with the “Todd is cheating” plotline but... he isn’t. He’s a great guy! The spying is all pointless and both Kelsey and Connor realise that but... just... can’t quite bring themselves... to stop... because that’s their excuse to see each other. Todd and Emily find out in the most embarrassing way possible, and find it hilarious. Because they’re a well-adjusted couple ready to take the next step into married life. Either Aunt-now-Mum Olivia did start it and then has to eat humble pie and realise she was wrong about everything or someone else instigated it. Maybe a jealous ex? IDK. It doesn’t really matter. They’re proved totally wrong and true love triumphs!

The alternative is that Todd is really a bad egg but in that case we need to play his relationship with Emily differently so she doesn’t come out looking like a robot or an idiot. We can do a Much Ado situation where their superficial relationship - Emily desperately trying to please her mother as much as Kelsey is trying to distance herself (two sides of the same coin) - is contrasted with the real and flawed relationship that develops between Kelsey and Connor. Meanwhile, because this is a romcom, while Todd and Emily’s relationship is obviously wrong from the start, Emily builds up a cute friendship with the adorable baker making her wedding cake - who is the only appealing character in the film as it stands. Once Emily’s relationship with Todd is exploded, then give her a shoulder to cry on and the hope of something real with the lovely baker in the future.

But even if Todd is a genuinely rotter, the spying needs to be a smokescreen. If Kelsey and Connor do discover whatever is dodgy about Todd, it needs to happen accidentally and so all their spy antics need to be a complete waste of time except to lead to them falling in love. Because actually spying on people and so on is... not very nice and turns this into a spy film rather than a romcom. Even better, let Emily come to the realisation herself. When Kelsey breaks the news to her (she has to do it, not Connor for maximum emotion, and not ridiculously while she’s at the altar) then Emily has to admit she already worked it out so she can make a really informed decision.

If you’re going to have Connor propose at the end (which is stupid) then the correct response is for Kelsey to laugh hysterically and say something like, “Are you crazy? But you can take me out for a real date!” Cue kiss, applause and credits.

So Connor. Firstly, his background needs to be simplified. He shouldn’t be Emily’s ex. That’s just weird. And the whole money business is dubious and overly-complicated and doesn’t make him look great and is just shoe-horned in for ~drama. He’s just a stranger who is a PI. The end. This ought to be an easy job for him, a boring one. He didn’t count on the genuinely smart, witty wedding planner he got entangled with. Bless his snarky, so over-it cotton socks.

So, I can see you wondering, haven’t I removed all sources of tension? No issue with the ex, no money problems, Kelsey and Connor don’t even affect Emily’s relationship. What is the massive problem that will occur 4/5ths the way through and make our hero and heroine desperately miserable for five minutes before the final denouement? But, my friend, if you think this is a problem, then you’ve completely missed the central premise of this story. They think they’re just forced to work together! As spies! Undercover! But actually! They have real feelings! For each other! Isn’t that enough of a plot? When Emily and Todd’s wedding either goes ahead without problem or is broken up no thanks to the inept spy duo, they have no longer any reason to see each other! And thinking that the other one doesn’t care, they just sadly say goodbye and prepare to part for ever... BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU. Look, this is all the level of conflict this film needs. Nobody is watching this because they want this part of the film to last more than a couple of minutes maximum. Just let them roll their eyes at each other like the Beatrice and Benedick dynamic they so desperately wish they had and kiss!

THE END.

[nobodysuspectsthebutterfly]

If the Stark children were to be married to Stark banner men (like many Stark did before) who do you think they would marry (I hope you understand the question!) :)

Even in a world where the plot of ASOIAF never happens, I don’t think the Stark children ever would have all married northern bannermen. I mean, look at the Stark family tree – even in generations where boys were marrying daughters of bannermen, girls were being sent to the Vale and Stormlands. And Blackwood brides went north more than once, a Royce too. In this generation, particularly with Catelyn’s southern connections, Sansa almost certainly would have gone south (to the Riverlands or Vale if not further), and probably Bran too (especially with his dreams of knighthood). You can see some ideas along those lines here and here.

But let’s assume for some reason Ned Stark is in a super-isolationist mode, and prefers to neither import nor export brides. So let’s look at the eligible young people of the North, see who’s out there. I’m going to use how old they’d be in 300AC as a baseline because it’s easiest for math, although even Robb and Jon and Sansa would very probably marry after that date (yes, Robb and Jon would be 17, but boys usually marry later, and Sansa’s only 14 and girls normally marry after adulthood at 16, not immediately after menarche). Also since the plot doesn’t happen, anyone who died past the start of AGOT is still alive in this AU.

House Bolton: Roose (50s, widowed, but lol no Ned’s not giving him one of his daughters), Domeric (20s, but dead in 297, so nope), Ramsay Snow (20s, but fuck no) – none of these

House Cassel: Jory (20s), Beth (11) – nobleborn, if not a major house, but Wintefell courtiers. Not super likely as marriage material, but they can’t be entirely ignored. But if Jory marries, it would likely be before the girls are eligible, so nope for him. Beth has a slight possibility for Bran, though.

House Cerwyn: Cley (15) is possible for Sansa or Arya. However, his sister Jonelle is a maid past thirty, very unlikely to marry anyone.

House Condon: House of the famed Ser Kyle Condon. May be sworn to House Cerwyn, so I’d put them as not highborn enough to be an option.

House Flint: Robin is in his 40s, so probably a nope here.

House Glover: Not a lordly house, a masterly one, but still. Galbart is in his 40s/50s and unmarried, dunno why, but therefore doubly no here. His nephew, Gawen (5) is too young for Arya even. Erena (newborn in 300AC) has a chance for Rickon, maybe.

House Hornwood: Daryn (~20?) is betrothed to Alys Karstark, and they’d be married before 300AC in this AU, so nope. Larence Snow (14) - a bastard, so nope again.

House Karstark: Alys (15) is with Daryn Hornwood. However, her brothers Harrion, Torrhen, and Eddard (~20ish-teens?) all have chances with Sansa or Arya. Especially since Lord Rickard is very social climbing (he’d hoped he could get a betrothal between Alys and Robb when she was 6 for goodness sake), I can definitely see him bugging Ned about the girls later on. Their cousins (Arnolf Karstark’s three grandsons) probably don’t have a chance in hell, though.

House Locke: I don’t know a thing about Ser Donnel so I’ll just say no.

House Manderly: Wendel (40s) is unmarried, dunno why, but probably for reasons, so (besides his age, and things) let’s say no again. Wynafryd (19) and Wylla (15) have a definite chance for Robb, however.

House Mollen: Hallis (20s) is again a Winterfell courtier, probably unlikely for Ned’s girls (also a bit too old).

House Mormont: Dacey (older 20s), Alysane (20s), Lyra (late teens-20s?), Jorelle (teens), Lyanna (10) – look, I love the Mormont women, I do. But nobody knows who Maege’s daughters’ father is. (/fathers are?) Alysane already also has two kids, again without a father in sight. Fan favorites, yes, but marriage material for Robb or Bran or Rickon? Not bloody likely. Maybe Jon might look to Bear Island if Ned stops angsting long enough to help him with his future, though.

House Poole: Jeyne (14ish) – like the Cassels and Mollens, lower-level noble; not likely for Robb, but Jon is a chance, though Vayon probably thinks she can do much better than a bastard. (In a world where Sansa goes south, or in one where Sansa does marry the crown prince but he’s not Joffrey or at least not an asshole and the plot doesn’t happen, Jeyne probably marries a lord’s son, maybe not an heir, but up there.)

House Reed: Meera (17) and Jojen (14) – very good chances with any of the older Stark kids, especially considering Ned’s friendship with Howland.

House Ryswell: the three Ryswell sons are in their 30s-40s, most likely; don’t know their marriage status, but I’m just going to say no anyway. Though they might have kids of the right ages, mind you, but none are listed yet, oh well.

House Tallhart: not a lordly house, but a masterly one, but still, Torrhen’s Square is an important location in the North. So Benfred (19ish) is possible for Sansa, and his sister Eddara (9) is possible for Bran; also their cousins Brandon (15) and Beren (10) have a possibility with Sansa or Arya, but less so since they’re sons of a younger son.

House Umber: Jon “Smalljon” (20s?) and also his brothers and sisters (unnamed) have some potential for the Starks.

House Flint of the Mountains: No idea how old Donnel or Artos are, or whether they’re single, or anything; they’re old enough to go to war and lead men, that’s all.

House Liddle: Same with Morgan (Middle Liddle) or Rickard (Little Liddle)

House Norrey: And same with Brandon and Owen, sorry

Also note there may be other unnamed girls of the mountain clans’ lordly families, and the crannogmen too, or heck even Skagosi, but since I don’t know any details about them, I can’t factor them in for anything.

So, for Robb: Wynafryd or Wylla Manderly, or Meera Reed, or possibly an Umber girl. Of these, Wynafryd seems likely to be her father’s heir, so marrying another heir is not that probable. (Possibly the reason she’s still unmarried at 19, Wyman trying to find the best match for his granddaughter, the future Lady of White Harbor?) Wylla is a bit more possible, though. But I really think Meera is the most likely option for Robb’s bride, especially because of Ned and Howland Reed’s connection.

Jon: this is complicated, because Jon at age 14 apparently had no idea if Ned had any plans for him, hence his consideration of the Night’s Watch because “what place could a bastard hope to earn” otherwise. Which means Jon was not aware of any betrothal offers Ned was getting, if any. And that’s because Jon, to everyone, is a bastard, and even nobleborn acknowledged bastards don’t get those options. And I thoroughly doubt Ned would reveal Jon’s secret parentage to anyone just to get him married – even if he tells Jon in confidence one day, it would be no doubt with the promise not to tell anyone ever. So, if Jon doesn’t go to the Night’s Watch, then he doesn’t have a lot of options for a bride; most nobles would only consider him if they have a lot of daughters and are running low on dowry money, or if the girl is shamed somehow (was publicly known to not be a virgin, basically). So of the known noble girls Jon’s age in the North, honestly I can only see him with one of the middle Mormont girls, Lyra or Jorelle. Or maybe a northern clansman’s daughter wouldn’t be too picky, or maybe even a younger Umber girl (they like their men tough, y’know). But most likely Jon still goes to the Night’s Watch.

Sansa: If she’s not going south, then Catelyn would accept no less for her than a lord’s heir, and preferably one of the highest born houses of the North. Jojen Reed is a strong possibility here, but if Robb’s marrying Meera, then it wouldn’t look right to again favor House Reed with the eldest (and most traditionally beautiful) daughter. (Sansa probably wouldn’t like the swamps of the Neck, anyway.) Cley Cerwyn is a good choice, Smalljon Umber probably isn’t bad… but honestly I think the most likely option is Harrion “Harry” Karstark. (Who’s hopefully not that old, and Alys is a good person who seems to think well of her brothers, so a recommendation there. And yes, this is another Harry for Sansa, heh.) Not only would it reaffirm the familial connection between the Starks and Karstarks (useful because of their significant strategic location at Karhold), but it would also make Rickard less grumpy about Alys never having a real chance with Robb. Mind you Harry isn’t a knight (and Sansa does love her knights), but in the North it’s harder to find them to begin with. Benfred Tallhart’s father is a knight, so he might be one eventually, but the Tallharts aren’t lords, so I’m thinking Cat would be “nope” there. Sansa will just deal, oh well.

Arya: Here we run into Arya’s less… pliant personality – however, Ned was the one who said she needed to learn court manners before she wed, so… that almost certainly still happens. (Especially since Arya will gain a “wild beauty” as she ages.) Again, Cley Cerwyn is a good choice, with the benefit that Castle Cerwyn is very close to Winterfell so they often visit the Starks, so Arya wouldn’t lose her closeness to her family. Jojen Reed also has potential, as does Beren Tallhart… but if Meera’s for Robb, again that probably puts Jojen out, and Beren’s the second son of a second son so I doubt Ned and Cat would consider him (unless it’s a love match, then maybe). Possibly it might be good for Arya to consider the mountain clans (where her namesake, her great-grandmother Arya Flint came from), but I don’t know any names of noble boys her age there.

Bran: Eddara Tallhart is the only girl we know of the right age who’s nobleborn enough, really. Beth Cassel might not be highborn enough… though maybe since Bran’s a second son who’s likely just getting a towerhouse to manage and make a cadet house there, maybe she would be, idk. Lyanna Mormont is very unlikely unless Maege’s marriage status becomes less… bearish. Wylla Manderly is a maybe, as she’s a bit too old for him and would probably already be betrothed or married by the time he comes of age to be so. And there might be other girls, Umbers or mountain clan or crannogmen, but I don’t know their names so I can’t give them as options, sorry.

Rickon: Not a lot of choice with what we know of northern children at the moment. So Erena Glover, I guess.

So, to sum up, in a world where the plot never happens and the Stark children only marry northern bannermen: Robb marries Meera Reed, Sansa marries Harrion Karstark (and eventually becomes Lady of Karhold), Arya marries Cley Cerwyn (and eventually becomes Lady of Castle Cerwyn), Bran marries Eddara Tallhart, Rickon marries Erena Glover. (And Jon either marries a Mormont girl or goes to the Night’s Watch.) Reed, Karstark, Cerwyn, Tallhart, Glover, (Mormont) – a nice mix of loyal bannermen across the north, without too much favor given to one or the other. Hope that helps!