#our 'friendship' is very superficial as well & i often feel left out from the group tbh

[cheekblush]

really starting to think someone put the evil eye on me.....

[the-end-of-art]

No wonder our communities seem organized to keep suffering at a distance

“The Interruptions are my work” by Henri Nouwen

 (Henri Nouwen—Turn My Mourning into Dancing, p. 5-11)

    When I came to Daybreak, the community of ministry to disable people where I have been pastor, I was experiencing a great deal of personal pain. My many years in the world of academics, my travels among the poor in Central America, and later, my speaking around the world about what I had seen, left me deflated. My schedule kept me running hard and fast. Rather than providing an escape from my own inner conflicts, my scurrying from speaking engagement to speaking engagement only intensified my inner turmoil. And because of my schedule, I could not fully face my pain. I carried on with the illusion that I was in control, that I could avoid what I did not want to face within myself and in the world around me.

    But when I arrived, I witnessed the enormous suffering of the mentally and physically handicapped persons living here. I came gradually to see my painful problems in a new light. I realised they formed part of a much larger suffering. And I found through that insight new energy to live amid my own hardship and pain.

    I realised that healing begins with our taking our pain out of its diabolic isolation and seeing that whatever we suffer, we suffer it in communion with all of humanity, and yes, all of creation. In so doing, we become participants in the great battle against the powers of darkness. Our little lives participate in something larger.

    I also found something else here: people asking not so much “How can I get rid of my suffering?” but “How can I make it an occasion for growth and insight?” Among these people, most of whom cannot read, many of whom cannot care for themselves, among men and women rejected by a world that values only the whole and bright and healthy, I saw people learning how to make the connection between human suffering and God’s suffering. They helped me to see how the way through suffering is not to deny it, but to live fully in the midst of it. They were asking how they could turn pain from a long interruption into an opportunity.

    How do we make such connection ourselves? How do we make this shift from evading our pain to asking God to redeem and make good use of it?

    An early step in the dance sounds very simple, though often will not come easily: We are called to grieve our losses. It seems paradoxical, but healing and dancing begin with looking squarely at what causes us pain. We face the secret losses that have paralysed us and kept us imprisoned in denial or shame or guilt. We do not nurse the illusion that we can hopscotch our way through difficulties. For by trying to hide parts of our story from God’s eye and our own consciousness, we become judges of our own past. We limit divine mercy to our human fears. Our efforts to disconnect ourselves from our own suffering, end up disconnecting our suffering from God’s suffering for us. The way out of our loss and hurt is in and through. When Jesus said, “For I have come to call not the righteous but sinners” (Matthew 9:13), He affirmed that only those who can face their wounded condition can be available for healing and enter a new way of living.

    Sometimes we need to ask ourselves just what our losses are. Doing so reminds us how real the experience of loss is. Perhaps you know what it is to have a parent die. How well I remember the grief I felt after my mother’s illness and death. We may experience the death of a child or of friends. And we lose people, sometimes just as painfully, through misunderstanding, conflict, or anger. I may expect a friend to visit, but he does not come. I speak to a group and expect a warm reception but no one really seems to respond. Someone may take from us a job, a career, a good name.

    We may watch hopes flicker through growing infirmity, or dreams vanish through the betrayal of someone we trusted for along time. A family member may walk out in anger and we wonder if we have failed. Sometimes our sense of loss feels large indeed: I read the newspaper and find things only worse than the day before. Our souls grow sad because of poverty or the destruction of so much natural beauty in our world. And we may lose meaning in our lives, not only because our hearts become tired, but also because someone ridicules long-cherished ways of thinking and praying. Our convictions suddenly seem old-fashioned, unnecessary. Even our faith seems shaky. Such are the potential disappointments of any life.

    Typically we see such hardship as an obstacle to what we think we should be—healthy, good-looking, free of discomfort. We consider suffering as annoying at best, meaningless at worst. We strive to get rid of our pains in whatever way we can. A part of us prefers the illusion that our losses are not real, that they come only as temporary interruptions. We thereby expend much energy in denial. “They should not prevent us from holding on to the real thing,” we say to ourselves.

    Several temptations feed this denial. Our incessant busyness, for example, becomes a way to escape what must some days be confronted. The world in which we live lies in the power of the Evil One, and the Evil One would prefer to distract us and fill every little space with things to do, people to meet, business to accomplish, products to be made. He does not allow any space for genuine grief and mourning. Our busyness becomes a curse, even while we think it provides us with relief from the pain inside. Our over packed lives serve only to keep us from facing the inevitable difficulty that we all, at some time or another, must face.

    The voice of evil also tries to tempt us to put on an invincible front. Words such as vulnerability, letting go, surrendering, crying, mourning, and grief are not to be found in the devil’s dictionary. Someone once said to me, “Never show your weakness, for you will be used; never be vulnerable, for you will get hurt; never depend on others, for you will lose your freedom.” This might sound very wise, but it does not echo the voice of wisdom. It mimics a world that wants us to respect without question the social boundaries and compulsions that our society has defined for us.

    Facing our losses also means avoiding a temptation to see life as an exercise in having needs met. We are needy people, of course: We want attention, affection, influence, power. And our needs seem never to be satisfied. Even altruistic actions can get tangled with these needs. Then, when people or circumstances do not fulfil all of our needs, we withdraw or lash out. We nurse our wounded spirits. And we become even needier. We crave easy assurances, ignoring anything that would suggest another way.

    We also like easy victories: growth without crisis, healing without pains, the resurrection without the cross. No wonder we enjoy watching parades and shouting out to returning heroes, miracle workers, and record breakers. No wonder our communities seem organised to keep suffering at a distance: People are buried in ways that shroud death with euphemism and ornate furnishings. Institutions hide away the mentally ill and criminal offenders in a continuing denial that they belong to the human family. Even our daily customs lead us to cloak our feelings and speak politely through clenched teeth and prevent honest, healing confrontation. Friendships become superficial and temporary.

    The way of Jesus looks very different. While Jesus brought great comfort and came with kind words and a healing touch, He did not come to take all our pains away. Jesus entered into Jerusalem in His last days on a donkey, like a clown at a parade. This was His way of reminding us that we fool ourselves when we insist on easy victories. When we think we can succeed in cloaking what ails us and our times in pleasantness. Much that is worthwhile comes only through confrontation.

    The way from Palm Sunday to is the patient way, the suffering way. Indeed, our word patience comes from the ancient root patior, “to suffer.” To learn patience is not to rebel against every hardship. For if we insist on continuing to cover our pains with easy “Hosannas,” we run the risk of losing our patience. We are likely to become bitter and cynical or violent and aggressive when the shallowness of the easy way wears through.

    Instead, Christ invites us to remain in touch with the many suffering of every day and to taste the beginning of hope and new life right there, where we live amid our hurts and pains and brokenness. By observing His life, His followers discover that when all of the crowd’s “Hosannas” had fallen silent, when disciples and friends had left Him, and after Jesus cried out, “My God, my God why have you forsaken Me?” then it was the Son of Man rose from death. Then He broke through the chains of death and became Saviour. That is the patient way, slowly leading me from easy triumph to the hard victory.

    I am less likely to deny my suffering when I learn how God uses it to mould me and draw me closer to Him. I will be less likely to see my pains as interruptions to my plans and more able to see them as the means for God to make me ready to receive Him. I let Christ live near my hurts and distractions.

    I remember an old priest who one day said to me, “I have always been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted; then I realised that the interruptions were my work.” The unpleasant things, the hard moments, the unexpected setbacks carry more potential than we usually realise. For the movement from Palm Sunday to Easter takes us from the easy victory built on small dreams and illusions to the hard victory offered by God who wants to purify us by His patient, caring hand.

    As I learned from my friends at Daybreak, at the center of our Christian faith we perceive a God who took on Himself the burden of the entire world. Suffering invites us to place our hurts in larger hands. In Christ we see God suffering—for us. And calling us to share in God’s suffering love for a hurting world. The small and even overpowering pains of our lives are intimately connected with the greater pains of Christ. Our daily sorrows are anchored in a greater sorrow and therefore a larger hope. Absolutely nothing in our lives lies outside the realm of God’s judgement and mercy.

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hello, it is I, a 34 year-old woman who has come here to talk about someone I know who may or may not have a crush on me but it’s irrelevant because 1) he’s not single and 2) I have cancer so I’m not going to date anyone anyway. But guess what? I don’t care!! Some things just never change and the kind of “am I reading this right??” insecurity that you have when you’re a teenager just never goes away.

So, hey, if you’ve missed me I’m here to deliver all kinds of silliness tonight! I’ve been away lately because, during the week, I went to an appointment in Boston with a doctor from Harvard who specializes in the kind of breast cancer I have and (hurray!) think it really paid off and I think I’ll be treated there. Then, for the weekend, my NY-area friends and I went away to a cabin in the woods for pre-chemo celebration/togetherness. (Don’t worry; it wasn’t like a horror movie.) It was totally wonderful. I drove to and from the cabin with the dude in question. My adolescent ramblings below.

So, back in August I wrote this silly post about whether I was over- or misinterpreting my friend’s behavior. At the time, we’d been friends for about 3 months and he and his GF were long-distance. Now, we’ve been friends for an additional 7 months and she’s lived with him for 6 of those. They are now both actually my closest friends in town and really high on the list overall too. I like hanging out with them together and separately. We’ve got a neat nexus of overlapping interests so that any combination of the 3 of us has lots to talk about and a lot of fun. I’m somewhat closer to him, because we see each other SO often and because we often confide things in each other. I’m close to her too, though. It’s rare to find such good friends and, honestly, that’s the only really important thing. I have no interest in losing that.

Anyway, my read on the situation back when I posted in August is now pretty much that he was stressing out about the imminent arrival of the GF because they hadn’t been living together and she was moving there without a job just to be with him and that’s kind of a lot. I have no idea if it had anything to do with me. I think it may have, just in the sense of an additional thing. I think it’s likely that he had some level of crush on me--although even if not we were definitely good friends--and was worried about how that would change with the addition of a partner would change either dynamic. 

It all worked out because the minute the three of us met as a group we clicked instantly. We spent the summer and fall going hiking together and all having long conversations in the car and on the trail. We watched movies together and threw a Halloween party. He and I see each other 5-7 days a week (since we work together) and have a constantly active text conversations (the 3 of us have a GC too). I worried about intruding, but both of them invited me to stuff and were happy to be invited. (I did find it hard/annoying to try to see either one of them socially without the other...they do the couple thing of coming along as a unit but, ultimately, I didn’t make a thing out of it b/c they are great.) I could see how much he relaxed, literally the first few hours we all met up together as it was apparent how well we all got along. So, maybe he was worried about what I was going to do myself as well as his feelings? Who knows.

So I was pretty much on the side of “this was a temporary crush that abated once GF moved in and he remembered why they were together and it was clear that that wasn’t changing just b/c I was around.” That’s true, I think. But...ok. So, I’m very much one for crushing on, hooking up with, and getting into relationships with friends. I find it hard to know any other way. This means that I’m constantly keeping a lid on low-to-high level crushes for unavailable folks. (I think my brain is just wired for romantic/physical attraction to align with emotional closeness...too bad I’m only romantically and physically attracted to men though.) So of course--of COURSE--there is a part of me that wants us to be dating. Inevitably. It’s not helped by the fact that he reminds me so strongly of my first serious boyfriend, a wonderful guy I was with for 3.5 years. And, generally, I blame myself and this fact for any over-reading of things. But then I wonder if I’m not just gaslighting myself (an expert move) b/c I am so worried about coming off as arrogant by thinking he does have romantic feelings.

There are plenty of small things aside from just the constant contact. For one, he was deeply upset by my cancer diagnosis and is taking it all (including my feelings about it) very seriously. And, yeah, that is a very valid reaction, but we haven’t known one another that long...even my exes and friends from 10+ years ago haven’t been as affected, and the people who are have have been in my life for absolute ever. I’m shocked that he and the GF are willing to go through this with me since I feel like I haven’t given them much as friends so far, but they absolutely are so clearly they are just great people.

More frivolously, when one or both of us is intoxicated or otherwise in an altered state he’ll let himself be a lot physically closer to me than usual. Like, it’s actually notable that usually he tries hard not to be touching me, in a way that just has to be deliberate. Friends sit together and knock their shoulders or elbow each other or will pat backs, ruffle hair, share blankets, lean into each other...all the kinds of touching that communicate intimacy without it being sexually charged. If we do that by accident, he’ll move away fast. Except if he’s drunk. And even then it’s absolutely nothing untoward, just drifting into my space, resting knees together. One time we were standing in line for fried food after a bar night, with the GF, all happily drunk, and I leaned into him so our shoulders and arms were pressed together as I read the menu. He moved away so that we weren’t touching. Then, a fraction of a second later, he moved back so that we were pressed together again, like he’d made some kind of decision to do it. He also *never* says anything about my appearance. Like, not even “you look nice” when I’m dressed for an event or “I like your haircut.” Maybe he just doesn’t want to be brought in to validate me or something, but again it feels like it goes against the social norms for friends but makes sense if he’s trying to conceal non-platonic feelings.

We behave enough like a couple that people who encounter us, even at work, often believe we’re together. We share food and drinks (from the same plates or cups) and often bring things that the other has left behind at our places. We have to try not to get the giggles at meetings when inside jokes come up. We tease each other with stories only 2-3 of us (him, me, and GF) know. This is all kind of dumb and, mostly, background noise to a great friendship. I decided that we’d just always have a little tension/chemistry but that we’d probably never mention it and that’s fine. That’s likely right! But this weekend he and I drove up to this cabin together (about 3 hrs each way) and things felt...loaded?

I’m getting tired, so I may need to write down the rest of my thoughts later. But, on the way up, we listened to music and drove through the dark and had some good conversations about friends, family, work, life, etc. The weekend was great (about which more later, hopefully) and then today on the drive back (which, again, is close to 3 hours) we did nothing but talk. First, about life stuff and then, rapidly, about our entire relationship histories. We’d exchanged a lot of that info before--including how much I remind him of the GF before this one, which we affirmed again when I referred to her as “the one who is basically me” and he said “yeah, and in more than the superficial ways too.” To be clear, he wasn’t talking about his current relationship or implying anything like dissatisfaction with it. There was just a whole LOT of dating history, hookup history, good/bad feelings and experiences; the kind of long convo you can have with a friend while burning miles of highway.

We took a break, got back in the car, and I laughed and said “I feel like that was pretty much my whole history but if there’s anything else you want to know AMA!”. I didn’t expect him to take it seriously but he did and basically asked “What crazy things did you do when you were younger” and I was like “in what sense? and what’s do you consider ‘crazy’?” and he was like “I mostly mean sexually...and you get to decide what counts.” So, I don’t have a totally extensive experience to draw from but I have some so I shared a few and was like “what about you?” and then he shared a few. And we had actual real conversations about how relationships make you feel and about the weird nexus of desire and shame that can happen. 

Eventually I was like, “I think that’s everything I could tell you...anything else you wanted to know?”. And he goes quiet for a L O N G time and goes “is there anyone in [place where we live] that you have like a crush on?”. And I am rolling my eyes internally (and possibly externally) because EITHER this is the most obvious ploy to get me to say “oh it’s you!” that I’ve ever heard, or else he so TOTALLY doesn’t think of me that way that he’s not even counting himself as a possibility. So I just go ahead and say, “well, if you weren’t in a relationship I would want to date you” b/c I am not going to coyly misdirect. I’m watching the traffic b/c the highway is crowded so I don’t know what face he made but he says, “Thank you. I mean...yeah. I could see that happening. [pause] But what I meant was is there anyone you have just, like, an idle crush on?”. So then I feel kind of dumb because was that his way of letting me down gently? OR was it way of saying “yeah, what you’re talking about with us is more than an idle crush”?? One way makes me feel stupid for saying anything, and the other makes me feel like he pretty much just told me that we’d be dating if he weren’t with someone else - which is what I suspected but which I also thought it made me arrogant to think. (Or maybe it was just a way to not have to follow up on us both basically admitting that if things were different we’d be a couple.)

There was some other odd stuff, though none of it felt weird in a bad way just like it stuck out a little. (FYI, it was all in fun and not at all awkward - we are super comfortable together.) I was talking about how several times I’ve gotten together with guys for a short time who then went back to their long-term girlfriends and how one of my other friends said I was a “what if” girl; like “sure I have a girlfriend but what if I were with HER??”. And he was like, well yeah, that’s possible and a huge compliment b/c why not dream big? And then later said that clearly I could be a homewrecker if I ever wanted to be (though we both know I wouldn’t). He also told me about another girl who was his ex’s roommate who just started texting him again talking about how she’s unhappy in her relationship; he says they always had chemistry and that she’s reaching out b/c of that but that, obviously, he’s just playing dumb in the text messages and pretending that’s not what she’s doing. But, like, is he letting me know that other people like him? Why? Basically, I couldn’t get a handle on whether this conversation, whatever else it was, had a subtextual vibe of “I have doubts/questions about my current situation” or not.

Having typed it out, though, it sounds a bit like it does? And like they might involve me? Or that it’s just fully a “bad timing” kind of thing where we could date but obviously never will. Can we at least conclude that this is someone who is attracted to me?? It sounds like that, right?

I mean, it also sounds very silly and not appropriate to my age to be going over in such detail but, honestly, if it’s distracting me from cancer that’s kind of just good. Anyway, you are readers and writers of fic and consumers of literature so I appeal to you to let me know what YOU think is going on here...aside from the fact that no matter what I have a great pair of friends who I care very much about. I welcome the distraction....though if you could comment and not reblog that would be great. And thank you for reading this diary entry. ;)

[mazojo]

Kiznaiver Review

I just finished the Kiznaiver anime and I am not okay, so I decided to do a review with my opinions and thoughts on it, so beware the spoilers and rants on different aspects of it ;w;

Spoiler Free Overview ~

Before actually going into the spoilers, I wanted to leave a little spoiler free plot overview for those interested but not convinced on watching it. Basically Kiznaiver is about 7 teenagers connected by an experiment to their wounds and pain, making the pain of one, that of the others. The anime follows the story of these teenagers and their friendship with the mystery of the experiment and the future of it in their city, making it emotional and addictive to watch.

Although there is a lot more to say, if you don’t want to be spoiled on the anime do not click on read more but if you don’t mind, go ahead <33

Plot

So as mentioned above, the anime consists on the union of 7 characters (representing the 7 sins) through the Kizna system/experiment which bonds them through their pain so if one gets hurt, the other six will feel the pain too. Each of the teenagers choose represents one of the deadly sins, which I will go into further in my description of each character, and they all have to work together throughout the summer in order to free themselves from their Kizna. Everything is running smoothly and they all become friends until some of them begin falling in love with others and it all kind of crumbles. In the final episodes we discover that the experiments have been running for a while and in the past, they were done to kids but it failed miserably as some gathered too much pain from the others while others didn’t, making them feel numb and emotionless. Our main character, Katsuhira was originally connected to the first kizna experiment but became numb to any sort of pain due to another kid (now leading the project?) named Noriko taking all the pain. In the end, Katsuhira is able to convince Noriko to give back his pain and those from the other kids involved in the experiment through a f r i e n d s h i p speech and the whole group ends up becoming much closer, with Katsuhira and Noriko confessing their feelings to each other.

Characters

okay, so I will admit I kind of may have fallen in love with some of the characters from this anime and I am going to list them in order of which I liked the most explaining a bit on who they are and what I believe they must be protected. I also decided to place a song that reminds me of them in order for you to gather a feel of who they are in my opinion.

Katsuhira Agata (Kacchon)

Rise - Ashes Remain

So this gif pretty much describes his attitude and face throughout the whole series (except the two times he actually cries). His sin is “sloth” but referred in the anime as “the imbecile”. This is due to his apathetic behavior to everything happening around him due to the lack of emotions he has. He is precious and even as a kid he has always been looking for those around him (even in his kind of oblivious way) and I love how even after going through everythingg he went through, he is able to forgive Noriko and even loves her with all her faults and imperfections <33.

Nico Niiyama

Hello Kitty - Avril Lavigne

She is one of those characters you either love or hate, and I absolutely looove Nico! She represents the sin of greed I believe due to her wanting of attention and reassurance. I don't know if its because I see myself in her craziness or just her whole attitude throughout the series but Nico is in top place with Kacchon for my favorite characters. She is much more than the I-am-cute-love-me character as we advance through the series we began seeing her need to find friends in those surrounding her and how desperate she tries to fit into this “eccentric girl” stereotype to fit in (if that makes any sense). I also loved how she was one of the first to come back and unite the group after their Kiznas were released even though she was hurting over Tenga, which I thought was really brave and a bit underrated, thanks for coming to my ted talk.

Yoshiharu Hisomu

Highway to Hell - AC/DC

So hear me out, Hisomu is a bit of a weirdo but through the small things he did and said he was able to win me over. Hisomu represents the sin of lust as he is a masochist and finds pleasure over the pain inflicted upon himself. I was a bit skeptical over his character as he appeared on the third episode unlike the others but he grew on me. Not only do I l o v e his character design but I think he has a personal growth over acquiring friends. He is close to Kacchon and never “abandons” him or leaves after all the others decide to part their own ways. Yeah, he may be a bit apathetic and unconscious towards the situations surrounding the others but I think in his heart he is actually a really good friend and sappy as it sounds, he cares deeply about the others and their suffering ;w;

Chidori Takashiro

Camouflage - Selena Gomez

Chidori is our tsundere-ish character. She represents the sin of envy as she is always second best when it comes to her unrequited love towards Kacchon. I really like her character and I feel bad for her as she often throughout the anime feels things very deeply and through Kacchon’s apathetic attitude, she mostly ends up hurt.I enjoyed her reactions as I know in the situations they face, I would definitely react similarly and she is very lovable overall.

Tsuguhito Yuta

Someone you Like - The Girl and the Dreamcatcher

Yuta is a classical popular kid with a soft side character. He represents the sin of gluttony as when he was little he used to eat a lot thus was seen as the fat kid and becomes kind of obsessed with his appearance after the fact. He may seem superficial at first but he is very caring and notices a lot of things others take for granted (like being able to be there for Maki even though she is a tough nut to crack). Also being a fellow cancer according to the wikia he went up my list :3. That being said I felt his character was all about Maki and he never really shined if there wasn’t any Maki story line involve which was kind of sad as I thought he had a lot of potential, but I still love him <33

Noriko Sonozaki

Never Enough - Loren Allred

Noriko is a weird character to me, as in some moments I really like her while in others I don’t really understand her. She has undergone a lot through her childhood due to experiencing the pain of her friends altogether and the constant fear of being left alone and not being understood even though Kacchon often reassures her of this but whatever. She may seem kind of like a psychopath and cold at the beginning but as we learn about her past I guess her behavior is kind of understandable but honestly I prefer the kid Sonozaki version which is adorableee. I like her relationship with Kacchon however and how they are able to grow from each other through their connection.

Honoka Maki

I Found - Amber Run

Maki and Tenga are my least favorite from the group but I don’t totally dislike them, I just don’t connect with he way they act most of the time. Maki represents the sin of pride as she often acts as if she is above everyone and everything going on around her placing a barrier between her and the other Kiznaivers. She has a rough past as she wrote a manga with her best friend Ruru and through their friendship feelings began developing. Ruru had a terminal illness and as Maki was afraid of getting hurt decided to cut all ties with her, which brings her to be the coldhearted person she is. Throughout the series she often rejects the other Kiznaivers refusing to call them friends inserts dramatic eye-roll until at the end she realizes its inevitable and accepts letting people in slowly.

Hajime Tenga

Counting Stars - One Republic

Honestly Tenga is pretty neutral to me and I don’t have much an opinion on his character. He represents the sin of Wrath as he often acts impulsively and resolves his issues through rage and anger acting with his fist rather than his head. He is quite loud and a bit obnoxious at times with his tough guy act but he means good. We don’t get much backstory on him other than he is afraid of dogs? which isn’t mentioned again after the second episode sooo… I mean he is a good character and has good intentions but I more often than not don’t understand his reactions and think he goes a bit over the top in most of them.

Ships

Although I know Kiznaiver isn’t an anime focused completely on the romance but rather a science-fiction/mystery kind of anime, I still had to mention the ships through the series starting from the one I like the most. Also note that some of them are non cannon so keep that in mind and note that this are my personal opinions ;w;

NicoxHisomu (non-cannon)

You can’t even understand HOW MUCH I WANTED THIS TO BE A THING. From the moment Hisomu appeared and had the first interaction with the group I wanted him and Nico to end together sooo badly. I don’t know if its because of their eccentric ways or how they are often looked upon as the weird ones from the group, but I always thought they would make such a cute couple! Even at the end when Nico is ranting on about Tenga, Hisomu is attentive to her and I honestly think their friendship is so pure and perfect ;w; I will be crying in the corner until this becomes a thing.

NorikoxKatsuhira (cannon)

Although I will forever be frustrated that NicoxHisomu didn’t end up together trigger please consider making a second season, I am actually really glad these two did! It was pretty obvious the two wouldd en up being cannon as the whole show premise basically concentrates in their relationship, and I am glad they did. I feel like both complement each other very well and stabilize one another through their feelings (or in this case, the lack of). I feel like both Katsuhira and Nori are very mature and overall I love their pairing as they both deserve all the happiness <33

ChidorixTenga (Cannon-ish?)

I really like this two together and I feel like through the finale we can kind of maybe say its cannon? I mean they never actually confessed their love to one another like Sonozaki and Kacchon (well, Tenga did), but Chidori kinda implied that she was starting to develop feelings? I totally feel like they work together as they level each other out by their protective mama bear attitude of Chidori and Tenga’s impulses leading to him being defensive of those he cares about. Also can we take a moment to appreciate their red aesthetic, like common they are adorable together.

MakixYuta (Cannon?)

This is also an odd pairing, as we see Yuta’s clear interest on Maki since episode 1 and where she only corresponds his feelings at the end of episode 12. Although they never truly became a couple I believe they both like each other so its kind of cannon? I like how they both have rough pasts and they help each other grow from them (cue to Yuta’s scene at the beach were he runs in the water although he may look like a fool) and they level the other out.

ChidorixKatsuhira (non-cannon)

The following two ships are ones I don’t like but I found important to mention as many people do ship them. I honestly can’t see this pair due to Katsuhira’s strong feelings towards Nori. I feel like he sees Chidori as her best friend and will never be able to see her as more than that. Chidori’s often explosive and overprotective character just doesn’t mash well with Kacchon’s laid back apathetic vibe, which is why I wouldn’t see this pairing working at all.

NicoxTenga (non-cannon)

I do not approve of this. I honestly can’t see this working and lets be honest Nico and Hisomu deserve each other so I am too blinded by that. I think their personalities wouldn’t work as Tenga is too aggressive and Nico much softer. I feel like Tenga is most of the times confused by her behavior or just doesn’t understand her eccentric behaviors which would definitely cause a problem if this were to be cannon. I can’t with this ship and if there is a season 2 I really hope this doesn’t become cannon otherwise ill just go cry myself in a corner.

To finish off this review on Kiznaiver, I would like to point out the things I like and the things I didn't like so much.

Liked…

- The characters is one of the things to really highlight from Kiznaiver. They are all so different but so lovable in their own ways and with their own faults which makes everything 10 times better.

- I haven’t been able to mention this before but I really liked the intro and outdo songs, I think they are catchy and represent quite well the anime.

- I adooored the character designs, specially Nico, Hisomu, Sonozaki and Katsuhira’s. I feel like the tones and designs of the characters with their little quirks really lets the audience gather who they are and why they are the way they are.

- I think the concept of the experiment and the characters being connected by their wounds and pain is very interesting! I dint know what to expect at first but as the story developed It really got me thinking what the Kizna system would look like in the real world.

Disliked…

- I feel like the character development could have been a little better for some of them? Specially Yuta, Tenga and Hisomu which even though we got to know, never really learned much about their past other than some random facts.

- The fact that Hisomu and Nico weren’t cannon

- Sometimes due to the small amount of time the creators had to create the episode, I feel like some things weren’t explained very clearly (like Sonozaki’s reasons to try committing suicide when she was young) but maybe its just me being dumb idkk

All in all, I really liked the anime and would definitely recommended to those who enjoy good characters and a little of science fiction as well as troublesome pasts. Remember this are just my opinions and feel free to ask me my opinions on anything related as well as I would love to hear all of yours :33

[thegeneralsnotebook]

Dec 5 Spoiler Design Roundup

Why on Earth did I ever think that this was going to be a good idea? Anyway, we start off this week with a card that I should have gotten last week, pushing our total for this week up to 27 new cards to review. I can’t think of anything else to say except let’s get to it.

Ocellus, Hit the Books

Novelty: This text is coming to us straight off of Tempest Shadow & Grubber from last, without modification, and it’s not really bringing anything new to the colour since that card was in Purple too. It’s an okay point that the card allows Purple to be more removal-focused while joined with other colours but even so I’m not impressed.

Impact: It seems clear to me that the 4-req is there to explicitly bar BRB from using the card (since that deck always was Mane’ing Pink). Given that, it would fall to the Purple version of the deck to pick Ocellus up, and it might have. This card would certainly have been a help.

Flavour: Since sending to top of deck is the hardest form of Friend removal that Purple has access to, it can get associated with the toughest punishment that the colour can dish out: detention, extra homework, yada yada yada. So that’s okay, even if it feels a little off coming from earnest Ocellus here.

Rockhoof, Pillar of Strength

Novelty: Rockhoof’s primary Novelty score comes from his position as one of the few cards in the game that properly plays slowly. Taken together, after a few turns this card is usually 4 Power, and easily enough 8. But that takes time, and there haven’t been very many cards at all in the game that reach stupendous value like that only eventually.

Impact: Unfortunately, Rockhoof falls to the same Problem as did Star Swirl. Only maybe even a little worse, since at least the opponent was incentivized to get rid of Star Swirl before any of his triggers happen. The opponent might not feel like Rockhoof has to be dealt with until 2 or 3 turns down the line. Notably, of course, he’s only costing you 1, which helps, but ultimately the card would be unlikely to have much of an impact on the board.

Flavour: As I’ve said, I’ve felt pretty good about Flavour on nearly all of these Pillar cards, with the singular exception of the somewhat staid art choices. Similar to Flash before, can we not have just a touch more action to look at? But yeah, just like Star Swirl was Super Purple, say hello to Super Orange!

Mage Meadowbrook, Pillar of Healing

Novelty: Has there ever been a card that hated Troublemakers this much? You could maybe make an argument for Fire When Ready, but besides that, no. The opposing Resource sweep was done before in Rest in Pieces, but combining effects is always pushing the envelope, especially when you combine really powerful effects like this card does. And attaches a Friend to boot.

Impact: Given that the card almost single-hoofedly destroys the deck that ended up winning this past Continental’s, I naturally have a hard time seeing how it could ended up not making a splash in last set. Even if Yellow already has a ton of cards doing this, as I said above, combining effects is super powerful.

Flavour: Is this Super Yellow? Well, we’re taking two things that the colour is good at, turning them both up to eleven and combining them together, so I’d say that qualifies. Plus, yay, Meadowbrook isn’t just standing there! See, this is all that I’m asking for. Surely Flash and Rockhoof could have got something more like this.

Berry Punch, Party Preparations

Novelty: Based on how I dealt with Meadowbrook above, I feel like I should start giving a little more Novelty weight to cards that combine previous effects than I have so far. Since that really a design decision that pushes both of them. Here, we have the draw effect from the DJ Mane, in addition to CG Shining Armour’s Power philosophy. That’s enough to at least earn us something.

Impact: It’s always hard to gauge which cards could have dredged up colours that were seeing use in the old days. In this case, though, Pink/Orange actually did do a thing in SB, though admittedly only right at the end. I have a feeling this card would at least have been in the running for that sort of deck, so it deserves some respect.

Flavour: When evaluating this category, I’ve found it easier to start at 5 and think about things I don’t like rather than trying to go the other way. Because it’s worth remembering that Flavour shouldn’t be a hard category to get a 5 in. In this case, it’s a little tough to imagine Berry Punch as a solid, dependable character with lots of Power to rely on, but again it matters based on how much a party you’re ready to start. That’s something I can get behind.

Ember, Dragon Lord

Novelty: “Just another Orange Diligent Friend” was an example that I specifically had in mind for things that would score low on Novelty when I was dreaming up this series. Ember does manage to save herself at least, with the ability to provide some level of protection from frightening. She’s also good for providing a “lock without a key” like Distracting Cheerer did before. This card asks for you to have some other source of counters if you want to get max value out of it.

Impact: While Orange has done a lot of protection from frightening before, I’m struggling to think of a meta where it was really, truly, relevant. It’s never been useless, but it’s never really been useful enough to make it an objective worth playing toward either.

Flavour: The flavour text on this one wraps the whole card up into a neat little package, which providing its own cherry on top of everything. The Dragons as a whole I’ve felt to be well-designed from a Flavour standpoint this whole set: capable of working together under the guidance of a tenacious, intimidating leader. What they accomplish with that work, though, is their own problem to solve.

Greta, Cruising Along

Novelty: As many before me have pointed out, Lyra 3.0 here isn’t exactly breaking new ground in terms of what she’s trying to accomplish for the game. Surely I understand why such a card needed to exist, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Impact: What with the amount of pressure that aggro was under last set, Blue would have surely appreciated another early play to rely on by Turn 2. Especially as this one could guarantee a confront on something, whether the opponent’s TT or your own Problem. So Scootaloo would have appreciated this a lot. Enough to warrant its inclusion, I’d expect.

Flavour: The thing that gets to me about this card is the necessary “drag” effect, i.e. moving something along with it entering play. I get the concept of Greta as on her way, with movement present in the card a fair amount, but to be honest I’ve never really got why any in the “Lyra” series got to move something else.

Friendship U

Novelty: This is the first tri-colour Song that I’ve had to put through this process, and as with all first-time things, it was hard. Eventually, for this category I decided to look at what each effect did, and Pink’s contribution of retiring a random is a pretty interesting one. It’s probably weak compared to the others (unless you can engineer a Poppy point with it, heh), but at least it’s new. Add that to the tri-colour +1 and we’re in an okay spot.

Impact: For an instant I was tempted to say here that tri-colour just didn’t work in SB, a meta where even two colours was often enough a liability. But Pink could do it, which at least gives cards like this a shot, and its Blue and White abilities are worth enough for a look.

Flavour: For the Flavour, I was honestly drawing a big blank here. Songs by their nature are often hard to connect in terms of Flavour, since generally three effects loosely related to the contributing colours are grouped in, as certainly seemed to be the case here. Add on to that Songs usually want to do three different things, and it’s often hard to tie the whole package together and make it feel united.

Reliving History

Novelty: This card is really cool. It took us all a few moments after its reveal to fully grasp all the ways in which that’s true, but such a simple statement of text enables a lot of ways to use it. While that’s kind of captured by Impact, there might need to be a fourth category to cover cards like this, perhaps something like “Elegance”, evaluated based on enabling as much stuff as possible with simple text. Thoughts for the future. Anyway, the card superficially resembles Stand Still! as well as Inspiration Manifestation, but comes away smelling fresh regardless.

Impact: As above, for enabling all of the cool tricks that this card does, it’s hard to imagine not finding it somewhere. The only reason this isn’t ranked higher is that White needed a lot more than just a fancy trick card to become something special. Bugle’s deck might have included this card as a counter-confront tool, but other than that there just weren’t that many decks to take it.

Flavour: In terms of the concept of literally reliving history by sending something back to where it was before, everything here works out. Even in spite of the idea maybe being a little Purple, with time travel and all that, tying it to Rarity and Sweetie with the art and text works great to make the colour work. The only issue, as is often the case on these Harmony cards, is making that scaling work. What to additional Unicorns have to do with any of this?

Mistmane, Pillar of Beauty

Novelty: Unusually for a card with a high rating, there isn’t all that much to say here. The card is novel. It comes out of left field, but rather than leaving destruction like Fireworks, it leaves thought. What is the best way to use an effect like this? Many will ask that question. Some, maybe, will find the answer.

Impact: I agonized a long time over this. Mistmane is so unique that I imagine her Impact would be the same on virtually any meta, which means that this score is unavoidably a projection on FF in addition to a reflection on SB. Provoking an explosion of speculation as she inevitably will, she can’t be lower than a 3. The only question left is how good the decks that she creates would end up being. And while I’m not willing to give her every concession, I can’t give her a 3 either.

Flavour: The card nails the Flavour, encapsulating this idea of a cycle of rebirth and renewal so well. How the card flows from hand to board to discard pile and back, earning you benefits along the way. Embrace the cycle, do not fight it. It’s good. A fitting capstone to the cycle that it’s completing.

Silverstream, Student of Friendship

Novelty: Taking a look back through the full list of cards, I was surprised by how many Problem deck interactions Pink actually has already. This card’s text borrows directly from Music in the Treetops, and comes very close to both the Cheese Sandwich UR and the Party Favour UR. Silverstream isn’t really innovating on either of them, though, except for her low req.

Impact: For the same reason, this is an effect class that Pink has had access to for a long time already, and at comparable costs too. I don’t think there’s ever been enough “Problem deck matters” cards to make this sort of thing desirable.

Flavour: Why exactly is Pink able to interact with the Problem deck? Inside the concept of the game, interacting with the Problem deck is really like being able to see the future coming before it happens, which is actually fine. Pinkie Sense is an idea, after all, though it’s weird that that’s never been explicitly elaborated in a Pink card. Either way, Silverstream isn’t even tapping into that, so I don’t know.

Caldera, Explosive Personality

Novelty: As I mentioned when I first spoiled this card, Caldera offers a third take on the idea of repeatable frighten, costing more than the free one that Midnight gave us, and less than the somewhat risky one you can get from Staff of Sacanas. Exploring that space is good, especially while fitting into the Dragon tribe and potentially pulling them in a slightly new direction. Plus, using the ready instead of the exhaust as the trigger is totally new, and enables the card to go in cool directions if its getting exhausted to some other ability.

Impact: This card’s primary value, I should think, would be in that repeatable frighten, which is not a terrible ability by any standard. While the predominant Orange/Purple of Chaos Control was never going to give up its Stick, it likes what this card can do and is in the right colours. It could have found its way to trying the card out a bit.

Flavour: Like so many of Harmony-tagged cards, the basic foundation of the card is great, incorporating the title and the flavour text into the idea of a dragon who stands as a pretty intimidating fellow. But try as I did, I couldn’t think of a good reason why, when he collects himself after having scared somepony, that would then offer some encouragement to a fellow Dragon. So a middle-of-the-road score then.

Starlight Glimmer, Great and Powerful Assistant

Novelty: Pulling things out of the discard pile temporarily to banish them later is admittedly old hat for these colours, but Starlight does do something new in tying her ability to a novel trigger. In doing so, she creates a situation where that particular ability, normally associated indelibly with control, might get included in aggro instead.

Impact: Unlike, say, griffons, dragons and changelings, the card corpus was full up on Unicorns already, and indeed most of the Unicorns that I’m now looking at to go into Unicorn aggro are old cards. So it’s safe to say that Starlight might have been able to pull a deck or two together in her time, though without the new Trixie it’s harder to say if she would have seen any success.

Flavour: Honestly, I feel like Hithroc should be really pleased with how this set has gone. While there hasn’t been that much Trixie herself, there’s been a lot of “Trixie-fication”, as I would say. Unicorns are getting emphasized for their adeptness at using spells to perform little tricks, and Starlight here is no different. She’s ready and willing to help every unicorn unlock their inner Trixie by giving them some magic to play around with.

Rainbow Dash & Fluttershy, Chillax

Novelty: Yellow has been specializing in these global +1 boosts for a while now, and perhaps the most surprising thing for me is that they haven’t worked out yet. How much is it going to take? Still, this card’s reliance on Pegasi is fresh for it, and reaps those natural points from doing Harmony.

Impact: Surely this dam’s got to burst at some point. We’re right around the point where our Pegasus tokens could be entering at around 4-5 Power after all. This card would be enough to make it work, I think, even if it would take more support (like we’ve got in this set!) to take it to the next level.

Flavour: I have a really hard attaching Swift to a card so clearly lackadaisical in its approach, yet at the same time RD and Fluttershy here are doing it right. An encouragement to get enough rest is exactly the thing that those energetic, enthusiastic Pegasi need to follow, and it will no doubt serve them well.

Tymbal, Talk It Out

Novelty: Adding new cards that score points to the game is simultaneously the most dangerous and also the most necessary experimentation that can happen within the game. Precedent has set the standard that winning almost always an alternative source of points, so adding another in a measured manner like this must be applauded. And doing so in a way that firmly nudges Changelings along is possibly even more important. I’ve lamented before that I couldn’t tell the direction of the Changeling tribe, but now I see. This card is the tribe’s direction, and it’s a worthy one to pursue.

Impact: As a card that scores points, I’ll go out on a limb and say that this card would have seen play in SB even with the dearth of changelings that set had. Thorax Mane would have dragged together as many of them as he could and given it a shot. And who knows, it might have actually worked.

Flavour: This card is possibly my favourite flavour yet. Yellow and White, for the soothing help and for a changeling who knows how to accessorize. Low power, for his own non-threatening nature. Calming is a nice touch too. Plus, for once the Harmony text makes perfect sense too. You’re getting a point because you’re actively working to solve problems before they get unmanageable, and a Feeling Forum isn’t a forum unless at least two changelings show up. It actually all fits.

Gabby, Express Delivery

Novelty: I perhaps ought to give a little more consideration on Novelty for all of the Dragon, Griffon and Changeling Harmony cards, since by their nature they’re pushing archetypes that have to be completely new. In Gabby’s case, she gets extra points for throwing Agile onto a fairly substantial body, and synergizing it well with her own ability.

Impact: One reason to support the above assertion is that due to the fact that Dragons, Griffons and Changelings were more spice than strategy before, most of their Harmony cards now are doomed to low Impact ratings, because you’re a total bomb like Tymbal you’re not going to suddenly incarnate a deck around yourself. Gabby suffers that fate just as well as any griffon has before her.

Flavour: I talked in the last post about how the Griffon tribe functions around the idea not of quite working together, but of having each griffon be individually better instead. Each griffon costs less, or gets to frighten a thing, or draws you a card when it moves, etc. Since this keeps playing into that idea, it’s good. Plus the rest of the stats all seem to line up okay, and the Agile makes plenty of sense for a youth like Gabby.

Applejack & Pinkie Pie, Backdrop Builders

Novelty: We’ve had a couple of cards that start faceoffs when they enter before, that couple being Gilda and SR Maud. But neither of those had anywhere near the same payoff as this one. This has the potential to draw a lot of cards, and I think it necessitates experimentation, which is what new cards should always do.

Impact: As I mentioned for the other Pink/Orange card, we only have to look for eminently_sensible’s Continentals deck to ask if it would have taken something like this. Maybe it would have. Probably it wouldn’t have. And would this card have coalesced a new deck around itself? I don’t think so, though it’s still exciting enough to give me pause. I can’t give it a 2, so I guess it’s a 3.

Flavour: So the thing is that Gilda and Maud both had confrontations worked into their concepts. So too for the Showdowns and the old multi-showdowns. This card kinda does, right there in the art, but it’s self-contained. We’re not challenging the opponent just because there’s conflict inherent in the card. Moreover, again the scaling with earth ponies is a little tricky to walk.

The EEA Council, Strict Guidelines

Novelty: The thing that I love about cards like these, at least as far as this series is concerned, is that they’re so easy to write about. This card’s effect is totally new and completely unexpected. Check.

Impact: This card impacts basically every deck from prior metas, to some greater or lesser degree. The only reason it’s not a five is due to the (small) chance that everyone just ignores it because they can’t build a good enough deck around it. But even then, all decks have to be aware that it exists.

Flavour: This card makes perfect sense, with the staid, stolid council unwilling to put up with any funny business. And, even better, them being so imperious that they’ll enforce those rules on everyone, not just the opponent. In some Un-set, I wouldn’t be surprised if Neighsay enforced his rules on the games adjacent to yours as well.

Pegasus Chariot

Novelty: While essentially doing nothing that hasn’t been done before, Pegasus Chariot gets high marks for rolling everything up into a Resource and presenting such a compelling value engine. It’s a deceptively simple card, but it does everything, and because of that it’s very versatile. Both Blue and Purple like what they’re seeing here.

Impact: It doesn’t matter if you’re primarily moving your stuff or the opponent’s stuff, the card is just as good. That allows this card to fit just fine into two wildly different play styles, and that helps its Impact immensely. Like I said, basically any Purple/Blue deck would need to look.

Flavour: For the “Elegance” rating that I mentioned earlier, this card is off the charts. Both Blue and Purple wrapped up in a single ability, presented as a single sentence. What is there to say? It’s a chariot that moves stuff. Plus you’ve got the pegasi too, so you don’t have to supply a driver; just pay them what they’re due.

Professor Fossil, Chipping Away

Novelty: On the other hand, sometimes you get a softball going totally the other direction. Vanilla entry? Boring.

Impact: I repeat: Vanilla entry? Boring.

Flavour: This one, though, I did have to think about. I wanted to be very careful if I was going to consider giving the card an all-around 1, after all. Such vanilla cards have to exist after all, and Flavour is their saving-grace category. But 4-Power, especially in Orange, comes almost exclusively down to either physical strength, or the results of cooperation, neither of which is in much evidence here. Is “having strong opinions” enough to warrant that designation? No.

Sphinx, Grinning Riddler

Novelty: These guessing type mechanics are nothing new to the game, but they’ve been infrequently enough in the past that it’s useful to have some more to play around with. Especially in a form like this, where it’s not hard to imagine the card’s effect going off every so often. Plus it’s the first time something like this has had such a significant effect, as opposed to just gaining some AT from Magic Arena.

Impact: The problem naturally, is that in SB the Troublemaker choices were relatively set in stone, and the meta really lacked any way to increase the Sphinx’s effectiveness. This card was never going to dislodge Mimics or Grubber from their spots, so it’s hard to imagine a world where it saw much of any play.

Flavour: The card fits the bill for what it’s trying to do though. Like the Sphinx of old, it asks a question, and if you get it right it steps aside. Good stuff. It’s also very nice that if your opponent has Somnambula, this card actually does nothing. Since you have to indicate which card you chose, and your opponent can see your hand. But that’s great from a design perspective.

We’re Friendship Bound

Novelty: At least with tri-colour cards I now have something of a rubric to mark against. The random discard is pretty new, as we had a little of it way back in the day, but not much at all these days. Moving opposing characters is nothing special, nor is getting through Troublemakers though. (Flutter Pirate was basically an Event already.) So Tri-colour +1 plus the Orange thing makes 3.

Impact: Moving three opposing characters or getting through Troublemakers are great abilities, though, as is the random discards when attached to a simple Event. Honestly I’d have marked this card higher if being tri-colour hadn’t been as much of a liability in the past.

Flavour: As I said, for Friendship U, it’s almost an expectation that these tri-colour Songs should be a bit of a mess in terms of Flavour. We’re taking three effects that emulate their colour, and which do fundamentally different things in order to make the Song versatile, and it’s incredibly hard to get something coherent out of that. Consider this 2 almost as a placeholder in that respect.

Somnambula’s Blindfold

Novelty: Ooh, a perfect score! That’s nice, since it usually means I don’t have to write all that much. The Novelty here is easy enough to grasp, as I can’t remember seeing text like that anywhere before. Such an effect, especially expressed as an all-powerful can’t, is quite a powerful one, and well worth seeing around.

Impact: Similarly, last set there was a whole lot of discard pile interaction going on, and a whole pile of deck search going on too. Maybe this is a good time to point out that this card turns off Meticulous?? Yeah, that’s pretty Impactful.

Flavour: As Somnambula’s artifact, the Blindfold forces both players to play blind, to understand that no matter how hard they try, they’re not going to impact their futures or reach back into their pasts to find answers. There is only the now, and the only course of action is to pick a direction and believe it’s the right one.

Mistmane’s Flower

Novelty: As many people better-versed in the CG corpus than I were quick to point out, this is very close to what Fake Crystal Heart did back in the day. But as only the second card ever to implement this ability, and for doing it in a slightly novel way, it’s got to get some recognition. Core could use something like this, for all the weirdness it enables.

Impact: The card clearly has been designed to be a lot better than Fake Crystal Heart for what it does, enough so that it’s going to get some interest no matter where it goes. Is it enough interest to make it actually good. Well, there definitely are enough Resources out there to be worth stealing, that’s for sure.

Flavour: Since we don’t have the full flavour text on this one, I don’t have to evaluate it! Because Flavour is all about the whole package, and we don’t have the whole package. But for what it’s worth, the rest of the card looks good, fitting nicely into Mistmane’s whole cycle of renewal thing.

Defend the Hive

Novelty: This is a pretty simple, straightforward Event, even if we include the whole Harmony Changeling text. To some extent, it can win some plaudits just for being so simple and elegant. Just like with Chariot, simplicity can often open the door to the real shenanigans.

Impact: Thorax adores this card, and though he wasn’t all over the place last set, he sure was knocking on the door. He just needed to get a wing in somewhere, and surely he would have been all over the place. I’d be willing to bet that this card would have been good enough to make some more people see him.

Flavour: I am surprised, though, to see the very simple Immediate-speed move-a-thing Event be in Yellow of all colours. The Changeling add-on is fine, but the vanilla Event is plainly Blue, and that hurts the Flavour a good deal. It’s one of those cards that I can see the intention behind pretty clearly, which is a shame here, because it doesn’t change the facts.

Spike, Fight and Flight

Novelty: In essence, this card functions a lot like an Ember with Diligent, except of course that he only goes in one faceoff per turn. Since his potential payoff is a lot more, then that’s just fine with me. Plus he brings that ability into the proper fold of the Dragon colours.

Impact: When I first saw this card, my first thought was: “This is why the Dragon deck doesn’t have to splash for Ember, huh?” My second was: “I’m probably still going to splash for Ember though.” Now none of that is to hate on Spike. This low Impact rating is simply a point of recognizing that Chaos Control wasn’t about to take him, and like so many of these new cards, Spike isn’t hitting anything special nor is he going to forge a new deck all on his own. Don’t worry, Spike, you’ll have a place in FF if I have anything to say about it.

Flavour: Spike’s growing up! And so he’s becoming more like a dragon, starting some fights and getting in on them. He’s smart enough to pick his battles, but also not tenacious enough yet to get in on too many of them. Just like Ember, though, he’s a noble dragon, so he’ll only end up on the wrong side of the fight sometimes. I know I’m looking forward to having Spike and Nightmare Moon team up to scare off some ponies.

Old Money, Particular Socialite

Novelty: Our text here comes to us direct from A Petite Sneeze, only without the inflated cost and with the added sweetener of that “enters play” ability. That’s a dramatic realignment from its former incarnation, and stands poised to usher in some real fun times.

Impact: Is this the most powerful “enters play” ability we’ve ever had on a Friend. It’s in the running, I’d say. There’s a deck shaping up already that looks to get away with murder thanks to this card, and most of it is pre-FF. Suddenly some cards like Starlight Glimmer, Magic Instructor are looking pretty essential. But I’m not quite ready to say that it’s going to kill everything yet.

Flavour: Well, here we’ve got a very exacting planner indeed. Meticulous 2 is reserved for the ponies who really obsess over the details, and Old Money here likes it just so. Moreover, if you step out of line, she won’t just show you the door. She will end you. But political and social connections can only get a pony so far. Banishing Troublemakers is a little much.

Yona, Friendship or Else

Novelty: A quick look through the archives reveals that Persistent, while a rarity among Yellow Friends, isn’t an unknown. The same goes for Swift, which is a little more common among Yellow. The big kicker here though is that bounce text. For what is I think the first time, the strongest removal in Yellow is being done in a repeatable manner. I know of a deck or two that will like that.

Impact: So Bedtime has been lurking in the shadows for a long time now, played only by a couple of true aficionados. I don’t expect that Yona is going to suddenly bring that thing into the spotlight, but she certainly helps. It’s good that she can find a place there, since I’m not sure if the aggro Yellow can find a spot for her. Maybe it could, but Yellow was very fast in those days, and might not have appreciated a tempo card like this one as much.

Flavour: Yona knows what she wants, and she’s not going to stop until she gets it. Again, bounce is Yellow’s super removal, so if you want a repeatable version of it, you better put it on someone bound and determined to see their way through. Yona even kinda’ deserves the Swift, being a quick stepper when the situation demands it. Not all bad at all.

Well, as to what I’ll do for this when the whole set comes out, we’re going to have to see. I could see myself maybe extending it out as we go over the rest of the set, to avoid having to do dozens of cards in one week ever again. Stay tuned for updates on that.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I can’t let go!

Okay so I’m gonna take you to the very beginning in order to explain this messy situation.

I started college last fall semester (2016) at an all-women’s college and I immediately met this German girl (let’s call her J) and we became the best of friends. At first J struck me as a bit superficial and stuck up but the more time I spent with her, the more I liked her. It was kind of scary how much I wanted to be near her, and me and her developed this weird co-dependent friendship, but we both had various boyfriends still. Now J and her friend A had come from Germany to our school to play sports, and I guess because they were German people wanted to get to know them and hang out with them. To me this meant that we got into places for free and that I would have a guaranteed great time. Throughout the fall semester J had a messy thing with an asshole we can refer to as S, and it was overall just a horrible toxic thing. Come January me and A were closer than ever. And I guess this was a problem for J, as she started avoiding us and sought another friend group. At this point I was making efforts to spend extra time with J, while managing my own personal relationship with a guy. J, me and one of our friends, R, ended up heading to Miami for spring break. In Miami, J and I had some weird, romantic moments, and we often got mistaken for a couple. Everytime we did J would blush, but she would never pulled away. After spring break, J kissed me. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. The thing is that our relationship turned physical very fast, and it was weird because J was a virgin and I was not. I don’t know why, but because at first J insisted that we shouldn’t date and that we should just see where this thing was going, but I didn’t think that J felt something strong for me. Also, I didn’t think that she would consider me her first time (but I’ll explain that later). So yeah, we had this thing going on, and I kind of dropped everyone else I had for J. At first I didn’t love her, and I think it was because I knew her and I knew of her commitement issues. But one day, it just hit me that I really really fucking loved her. Still, I didn’t tell her this, because I was always scared that she didn’t feel the same way. I should mention at this point that J and A had decided that they were going back to Germany, and at this point me and J were running on a time limit (one month to be exact). I think I didn’t know how to handle this, but after she told me she loved me I knew that I had to try things with her. So we decided to make things official, we told our friends, and for a moment I thought things would work out. The thing about J though, is that she did have commitment issues. And she also wasn’t capable of seeing when guys had crushes on her and were just waiting for her to give them a sign J had two guys that loved her and she kind of didn’t realize. It bothered me that she went out of her way to spend time with them even when they clearly wanted her. I even told her as much and she told me that they were just her friends and that I was the one she loved. The thing is, if I had done that same thing to her, J would have dumped me. I kind of didn’t want to fight though, so I let it go. J went back to Germany a month after we started dating, and we agreed that long-distance was out of the question. So we agreed to leave things open ended. Meaning that we’d see where things went to when we saw each other again. The first month went by fine. It felt like we were still dating, and we were Facetiming and calling constantly. However, halfway through July J started seeing this guy (let’s call him M). She kind of said they weren’t serious, and because we weren’t dating I felt like I had no say in this. One morning J called me to tell me that she and M had had sex. And I swear to God I felt my heart break in two pieces. Mostly I think it was because J always made a huge deal about losing her virginty, and about how it had to be with the right person , someone she could trust. At this time I was going on a vacation to Mexico, so I told J I wasn’t going to have access to internet and that I’d talk to her afterwards. To say that I dealt with things unhealthily would be an understatement. I drank too much, I partied every night, I slept with people and I kissed people just to see if I could feel something. Ans afterwards I called J just so I could listen to her voice. I just didn’t know why I wasn’t good enough for her to have moved on so fast. Why wasn’t I good enough for her to consider me as her first time? When I came back home me and J talked, and It fucked me up even more, mostly because J was saying shit like “she was 99% over me”. She even made things official with M and told me. So I made a point to get over her. I stopped texting her as much, I started seeing people in a healthy manner, I kept myself occupied. And I still couldn’t and can’t get over her. To top it off J is now telling me that she is not over me. She says that M was a mistake, and that she regrets the way she handled things agter she went back home. She told me also that she thinks of me as her first time, and that she wishes there was a way to take the last 4 months back. I would love to say that I’m over her and that what she says doesn’t affect me, but I am having second thoughts about trying long-distance. To top it off, I’m doing a semester abroad in Europe soon and will definitely see J again. Is this healthy? Should I end things for good or give them a chance? What do you do when you both have hurt each other a lot but you can’t be without the other?

REPLY

Boy, y’all really need to begin communicating with each other. 

It definitely seems like you two had a good thing going before she left back home to Germany. But what’s clear in this endeavour, like many times, is that you two did not properly negotiate what “open-ended” meant to both of you. Namely, you preferred the idea of not dating and basically seeing how the dice fell, whereas she simply knew she wasn’t in a relationship. Well, that played out, and the dice were cast. It was a bad hand, and there’s no taking that back. Furthermore, the reaction you had to all of this was certainly not handled well, as you’ve acknowledged yourself. What you have to truly remember in this situation is that J did nothing wrong by having relationships and moving on from people. The specific agreement you two made was to see how things would play out in the future, and that includes either of you meeting someone else and moving on with your lives. That’s what she was doing, and responding with spite and jealousy is very immature, and should be something to be conscious of in the future so that you don’t do something like this again. 

But to the heart of your questions: is this healthy? 

That’s hard to say. How do you DEFINE healthy? You mentioned that both of you dislike the idea of a long-distance relationship, that it will not work. Pursuing this more is only going to exacerbate your feelings of displeasure on this topic. You two may have very strong feelings, but if you two are also not capable of handling a long-distance relationship, then this will be an extremely hard slog. That being said, you two definitely seem to like each other. And perhaps dating M gave her some sort of perspective upon her current situation, informing her that maybe you were a good idea, and that she would be willing to consider a long-distance relationship with the right person, that person being you. 

There’s no way to say one way or the other. Only both of you can determine whether a long-distance relationship is a good idea for either of you. So what do? ASK. Use your words and ask her what she would like to do about the feelings she has for you, and tell her what you would like to do with the feelings with her. These are important conversations you both need to discuss. Again, long-distance is extremely difficult for all parties involved, and if you two aren’t super committed to the idea of that, then wasting even more time to trying to maintain something meaningful is going to hurt both of you in the long-term. Speak with her and try to figure out where her headspace is after everything she’s been through recently, and if you also think dating long-distance would be a good idea, ask her if she would like to do that with you. 

Should you end things or give them a chance? Similarly, this has to be based on you and your feelings - and her and her feelings - as I’m not in the business of telling you how to live your life. You need to consider all the pros and cons. This includes both of your futures too. You are preparing your European business soon. What type of business does she have at that same time? How close will you both actually be while you’re there? How accessible would a potential relationship be in that situation? Would you be living in the same city? The next city over? The next country over? Across the continent? These are extremely different circumstances, and this should be part of a longer-term plan and discussion both of you are having with each other. 

Moreover, will you even have TIME for a relationship while abroad? Will she? Does she want a relationship right now? Does she want a relationship with you? Or does she have other things to do, or wants to move on with her life? Her opinion here is crucial. USE YOUR WORDS, and speak to her about all of this. Ask yourself all of these questions, and then ask her the same questions to see how she factors in. 

A final note to your last question: you say you “can’t be without one another.” This is a lie you tell yourself to try and support the idea of this relationship in your head. The true reality is that, yes, you two can be together. You are clinging to this relationship very tightly. Maybe this is the right thing for you, and it is a great choice to try to commit toward this girl you really care about. But it’s also entirely possible that, as you worried, this is unhealthy; that you’re holding onto this girl not because it’s a good choice, but because you like the idealization of what she represents. There’s no way to know which is true without asking yourself all these probing questions, and you’re the only one who can determine - at the end of the day - if one subjective choice is better than another subjective choice. 

But never think that you can’t live without someone. You can, quite easily. You just have to let go. You have yet to do that. Consider why that is. How valuable is this girl in your life? How important is it for you two to share romantic feelings? Or are these feelings perhaps wasted on a distant, ephemeral thing that exists somewhere across an ocean, wherein you could instead be having more legitimate and more accessible relationships where you already live. Once again, only you can decide for yourself.

[yellooh]

Vulnerabilities

Life is rough and tough at times. It is great when things change. Things have a tendency to change directions. Many say they head south. Depending on where you are I think it could be any direction. I will stick with down I suppose. We realize that when we are open and lay out our experiences in life, many relate well and are comfortable to talk about and let us know we are not alone. Not many like speaking about a hard situation they are experiencing and we tend to wait till things are way out of hand. I have roughed it by choice after reading a journal on a group hiking the Appalachian trail. I was crazy enough to do it when I really could not afford to. I knew my identity and refused to put a label or identity any sort of ways. It was addictive to say the least. I have done it from time to time and last I headed west and was on the road for a long while laying my head wherever I was once it was too late to look suspicious roaming about. I learned so much then. I realized that I never met a single miserable person who was so miserable to think of an easy way out. I know this is a sensitive issue. I have lost many close family and friends who felt nobody cared from what they left behind as to the main reasons they headed to the next level. Having quirks makes us individuals though at times leaves us lacking serenity. Drinking tends to remove the edge though for most it complicates and creates more issues. So is any other ways we medicate. There are not many people I know other than anonymously that lay that laundry out. There are extremes just as in anything. For people who believe, it seems odd to hear of a higher power. This brings much hope in situations lacking direction or feeling lonesome. Doing something together is very healing. I met many people on my journey and it became easier to identify ourselves as apart. Just like going to a foreign land how everyone at first looks all alike, it is that way at the start. Eventually you can easily pick out serious backpackers from freegans, or vagabonds from hippies and the list goes on. You meet people often and journey with them for a time. At times we want to distance instead for safety of just introverted reasons. There is nothing like being too far out in the woods and thinking it safer to even go deeper from the trail. Safety overcomes fear. The known is more scary than the unknown. There is bears out there coyotes, wolves and the like that eventually we realize are less harmless than our fellows. Sleeping with one eye open each night or day which days are more safer to rest sticks with us for a long while after such adventures. Learning to carry everything with us and leave the least print works itself out. Funds run low or to the negative. Many mountains are easier to conquer in real life and in other aspects of our lives. That misery, loneliness, depression, hang-ups, compulsions, impulsive tendency to merry in misery or pain lacks the space and room. People who tend to drive others crazy somehow are either changed or non existent in such niches. Honestly it is very inviting and displays evidently what is very wrong with how society has become. It is not all sunshine and wide open spaces, there are rough spots too and no wonder my professor first mentioned the term "roughing it" to me as we discussed physics of all things when the subject came up. Going from a healthy 220 pounds to 140 pounds was the best way to health I know of since. Anyway, I had someone assume my life has always been smooth sailing. Maybe I act too much like it. I don't wine or complain or join in when the conversation goes to how hard life is and has always been. I refuse to live in self induced misery and indulge in self pity. I did that for way too long and benefited nothing. I did so many self help groups and did many meetings for many years. Only great thing was the fellowship and the friendship I still treasure with the few I connected with. With time eventually we realize there is not much we can change about the past. We can't live in our teenage bodies and have a drama centered driven life of chaos always looking for attention and validation from others. Gone are the days when joining the military was a requirement because many could benefit in bounds and grow out of the baby stages many still live in. It is critical to look at things this way, it would be a pity and building a pit to fall in to give power to the past and what has already happened or blame others like my parents than grabbing life by the horns. I don't miss those chat rooms that were the first ways to communicate in the web in ways today has grown in bounds. It would be selfish to play the card and act a certain way just to be the "popular bully" in the media playground. It would be even worse to be superficial like a prince needing to be rescued. Have to be careful since opinions vary broadly and many see things very differently. I am vulnerable at times when I meet lost souls. I have had a full life. Many come out feeling what they are dealing with or was holding them back is peanuts I comparison. They suggest I write about it or go and share with others where I could be an impact and get others off the ledge. Am not here yet. I have pride and ego issues to address. I had to deal with being overly confident and to feel untouchable most of my life and not like in the chaste system if you you know what I mean. I dared death most of my life and live with many scars visible and invisible. In all, I find no reason mostly in the developed world to be so weak in spirit while having the whole world handed to us while many in other parts of the world are fighting real battles and fighting to survive. Life is very precious! I know even the self harming donors need love too. I hope and pray that can shake the vampires in their live off too not unless they choose the life. Some day God willing, they will find peace. For me, I do the best I can one soul at a time face to face. May I never shy and hide behind a name from fear or bad ill. In all, there was a hand always when i was down and needed one. I will always have my hands ready and my heart willing to see anyone through.

[workingontravel]

Different places for different parts of me

(You can find this text in Swedish here.) Ofelia Jarl Ortega has for many years been part of dance contexts where I’ve also been moving. For a while, we toured with the same show in a group of twenty dancers, which is one of my strongest experiences of travelling internationally for performing arts. Ofelia has travelled a lot more than I have in this way: in many different roles and contexts. This is one of the reasons why I wanted to talk to her. Another reason is her artistic interest in how identities transform through relationships and gazes. I think this interest gives her a specific perspective on how travelling organises intimacies and the other way around. This perspective on travelling that is Ofelia’s touches on both loneliness and togetherness, disorientation and belonging. Ofelia Jarl Ortega: My travelling started with working as a dancer and choreographer. I moved to Stockholm from Malmö to attend a ballet school when I was seventeen. In my twenties, I started working and travelling more and more. I now work with dance in dance contexts, with dance in music contexts, and with music in various contexts. I work in many more places than Sweden. For instance, I got a lot of gigs, appreciation, residencies and money in Berlin, Vienna and Switzerland.

I myself also create conditions to travel and work abroad by getting in touch with people there. I want to be where I feel a sense of belonging, both socially and workwise. Then I return here so I don’t lose Stockholm altogether. For example, I’ll attempt to spend more time at the new art and dance platform höjden, where the separatist dance organisation Insister Space is also based, so that I don’t always have to go away to come to my community. I try to make it clearer for everyone that I live here, that this is my base. Travelling a lot makes me tired. The last times I travelled, I had to talk on the phone all the way to the airport, to have the energy to get on a plane again. But I wouldn’t ever refrain from planning a trip just because the feeling of going away can be difficult. It’s not all bad being in another place. On the contrary, I really enjoy it. I travel between one and five times a month and I’m away between three and twenty days every time, to do gigs or longer residencies. I also have several partners living in Europe. I visit them regularly. I’ve met them through work-related stays, residencies or festivals. They also travel a lot and have jobs similar to mine. I have tried to organise my work so that I can meet them more. We’ve also tried working together, but that isn’t as fun. Polyamory and travel interconnect for me, but not in the sense that one follows on the other. I was polyamorous even before I began travelling this much. But it is nice having these specific relationships in different cities, for example, because there’s less friction with other partners. And we do completely different things when we meet, partly because the context around us is not the same. It’s like I have different places for different parts of me with them. If all my partners lived in Stockholm, everything would bein another way and maybe it wouldn’t have been as difficult and sacred to meet. But I don’t know if I would be capable of having three intense relationships so close to me at the same time. Right now, it’s in phases, and that works fairly well for me.

When I’m not at home I don’t have the same contact with friends, partly because they also go away quite often. Many of them work with approximately the same things as I do. You have to make sure to keep in touch then. Most people don’t. Many don’t even answer text messages. If you take turns travelling and miss out on the two days when you could have met, it can be tricky to feel close after six months. I think I’m good at keeping in touch, and it’s very important for me to do that. I’ve often had more than one love relationship and I know how important it is to take care in order to keep things going at a distance. I know where my friends are and what they’re doing. I call everyone in my family. I become the spider in the web, keeping track of everything. And that feels good, but it can also be a drag, when no one calls me or knows where I am. People stop contacting me because I’m away. I don’t get invited to things because people don’t count on me being in town. Everyone goes like, ”Do you live in Malmö? Or Berlin?” I haven’t lived in Malmö for twelve years. When I’ve been gone for long enough, I don’t know any more what is there, how to find the way to a certain bar or restaurant. I forget which underground station comes after which. I get the feeling: Shit, is this my home? I met an acquaintance at a show. We started talking about being sad when you come home and don’t feel at home. She said it was like that for her too. So, I’m not alone in these feelings, but it’s very rare for me to talk about them with others. I wish I could talk about it and handle it with my friends. That we don’t is probably because travel is such a huge obstacle in our friendships. It’s too sensitive, more sensitive than with someone you don’t know.

There is also a charm and freedom in coming to a new place where you have sporadic friends and relationships, someone you might not meet again for half a year. Maybe you gig together one night, or hang out for three weeks at a festival and have a great time together. You can be free from the expectations back home. It grows into a superficially close friendship: you confide in each other and hang out for days. Then maybe you happen to touch on a subject where you go, like: Right, we don’t share the same values at all.

Since I travel for work, it means I always work when I’m travelling, even if I’m at a party, for instance. I talk about my work, I say hello, I establish new contacts. I enjoy meeting new people, asking people what they do and telling others what I do. I like running around at festivals, mingling. This is nothing I have to force myself to do; it’s just there. In that respect, travelling is quite pleasurable for me.

Flying is my primary means of transport, sadly. It takes three hours to fly to Switzerland. It takes really long to go by train from Stockholm, because it’s so far north. Without airplanes, I would have to move to Brussels or Paris. This is something I’m already considering, though, because it would be convenient to be able to go by train everywhere, and I have friends there as well.

Once, I was on my way to move to PAF (Performing Arts Forum) in France. I brought a big bag and was supposed to stay there for at least six months. After a week, I got a phone call about a job in Berlin. So, I packed a small bag from the big bag and left my stuff in the PAF attic and said I would be back in a month. That month became six months. I took off on other travels: Berlin, Vienna, Stockholm. I went back when the period I was supposed to live at PAF was over, to pick up the big bag.

Another story that is very telling starts with one of my partners getting scabies and infesting her boyfriend, her best friend and me. Her boyfriend went to a big dance festival in Vienna. People there hang out in mosh piles all the time and are very physical with each other, which is typical for dancers. You know this precarious working situation, everyone travels, it’s summer, everyone shares beds, everyone sleeps with everyone, everyone has more than one partner… the risk that it would spread was enormous. I myself went to Berlin and slept in the bed of a friend, he got scabies too. And then he went to Vienna, and so on. We were travelling like crazy all over the place.

We got itches and met a thousand doctors who couldn’t believe we had scabies. I think it’s because it’s so associated with being a social outcast. It’s shameful, somehow. But it’s bugs eating our bodies; they don’t care who we are. Finally, we found out what it was and could get a treatment. But then the others who got it through us refused to understand that they also needed to get a treatment, so we got infested again, and had to go through the treatment again.

I heard rumours three weeks later that everyone at that festival that summer got scabies, and I laughed so hard since I knew we had all infested each other by travelling. Practically everyone on that scene must have had it on some occasion before this outbreak, but no one dares to mention it.

I’m very dependent on the international travel for my life to work out financially. My dance job is my only source of income. You have to play it cool. When you have zero in your account and no work you get a grant or something. But now, for the first time, I can pay myself half a salary, 9,000 SEK after taxes, via the cooperative production house that I’m working with. I have this monthly salary five months ahead, but if I keep on at this pace it could hopefully stay on for longer and maybe get a full salary.

I realise it’s absurd: Five months is no security. It’s the same with housing. Yay, now I have a place to stay in Stockholm for another six months, then I have to leave. My contract is renewed for six month at the time. Soon I’ve been living there for two years, but I can’t stay there forever, because I’m subletting. My life is not super sustainable, but it’s getting better and better. You have to be a pro to get by on so little. Everything except work has to stand aside constantly. The goal is to continue doing what I want and get money for it so that I don’t have to live with this insecurity. I’ve tried out a lot of things, worked short-term and sporadically, put energy into things that didn’t give much back. Now I long to be able to work for longer on one thing, to work with only one thing for a full year, to have time, not having to say yes to something just because I need the money. I already stopped doing that, actually. It has to feel right, otherwise it’s not worth flying for four hours and having a stomach ache.

When I go away, I live in residency apartments or with friends, but I actually don’t like staying with friends. It’s one thing living with your partner. That’s almost like being at home. But I’m not that comfortable in the private sphere, and staying with people you work with can be hard. Sometimes, I pay for a hotel room even though I can’t afford it. For example, I went to a festival in Switzerland recently. I didn’t get the travel grant I had applied for, so I paid my own trip since I also wanted to be there for strategic reasons. I got offered to stay at the home of an artistic director, but it felt too intimate. If I’m there to show my piece at that theatre, I don’t want to sleep in his guest room. It felt good staying in a hotel instead. It was worth it even though I was broke afterwards and Switzerland is dead expensive. For the same reason I never take the bus to the airport. Instead I have a punch-ticket for the Arlanda Express, the world’s most expensive transportation. It feels horrible: It’s like having a punch-ticket for the plane. But I can’t travel without it because I wouldn’t ever get going. I also put money on more expensive plane fares. Before, I had to book economy airlines and early morning flights. Now I can or have to choose not to. Otherwise, I can’t travel.

My dream travelling would be to spread it out a bit more: travelling less often, but staying longer in one place. I like to be in different rooms and contexts. The work looks so different in different cities. People don’t work the same, neither ethically nor aesthetically. I wouldn’t change that for having everything in the same place, in the same way.

[ember-hinote]

Life Development

It’s been a couple months since then but I can say that I am out of a toxic relationship. But here’s the thing, I was the last person to know. 

Amongst my friends and family, it’s usually said that I have the best observation skills. I don’t take bullshit from anything or anyone. If they need to know anything about someone or something, they bring it to me (or my mother) to look at. I can pick out so many details both superficially and incredibly personal about a person from looking at them and get them to spill more with a short conversation. 

To clarify, this was not a romantic relationship. This person was someone who I would consider a best friend and someone that my parents trusted as well. A thing about my parents: They don’t trust anyone easily. My mother is a former judge and lawyer and my father is an engineer. They both came from military families and were taught to take things as grains of salt. So for them to trust anyone of my friends is a really, really big deal. 

I met her 3 years back in Japanese Culture and Politics class and it began as a screaming match across the classroom over who was more right when our professor (who I am not the assistant of) posed a question. Being the type of people we are, we decided to stick together after the first test grades (tying of top spots) due to our shared interests in Japan and poutine. We hung out, we studied together, wrote stories with her as my beta reader, and went on school trips together. When we became graduate teaching assistants at the university, we made sure that we would share an office together! 

But things changed. She started dating this relatively descent gentleman who looked clean to me. He struck me as a bit odd but then, who was I to judge. She was describing him to me and the first thing that caught my attention was his lack of a college degree. I know. I shouldn’t judge on that but take into account that I am of Asian descent. Education is VERY important to us. She had a college degree (graduate a semester before me) and he didn’t complete his. He wasn’t doing anything and being the person that I am, I was a little concerned. She told me to not worry about it and that his parents were loaded. 

Yeah. As if that would settle me. Something that I’ve observed concerning White American families vs Asian families, the standards are very different. Just because his parents had money doesn’t mean that he had money. 

But seeing that she was happy, I let it go. It was nice to see her happy as she was my best friend. 

They were an interesting pair. Very clingy. Very dependent of each other. The thing is, she was a very independent person. Why was she so dependent on this person she just met? But no matter, she was happy and I was happy for her. She never stopped me from my failed attempts at romantic pursuits (all of which ended mutually). 

What set me off was when she started becoming increasingly demanding on me. I didn’t mind at first but her demands grew more and more insistent as well as most costly. Now I can honestly say, I am fortunate enough to never have been without and my parents have taught me for as long as I can remember how to manage finances so that I would always be ready for the worst. It has taken me many years to learn that many people were not as fortunate to have such lesson (trust me! My first years at university were definitely something because I did not know my privilege). But when they started biting more and more into my budget, I was no longer fine or comfortable with the situation. When I tried to speak out, things were fine for maybe a day or so before they went right back. 

Like I have NO PROBLEM taking my friends to nice places and introducing them to the things and places that I have grown up in but lines were starting to be overstepped. I was the friend with a car and could afford the special campus parking passes so there would always be a spot if I left campus for a quick trip. She started demanding trips to farther and farther locations from campus, most of them about equidistant to my house from campus and I don’t live close by. I stopped being comfortable with that real fast because gas is expensive and so is car maintenance and guess who would have to foot that bill.

Me and my family. 

But the problem wasn’t only fiscal, it was also emotional. She could always come to me for emotional support. The same couldn’t be said when I needed it which was far rarer. When my grandfather figure died in November, I was a mess and when I needed someone she turned me away. When my car was broken into and so much of my stuff was stolen in January, she turned me away when I needed someone. But whenever she was having a bad mental health day or just needed emotional support, guess who she turned too. There were days where it seemed that the world was crashing down around me but she would call and quickly begin talking about her problems and her life while I would have to quickly bury my own and deal with it alone later. Another friend of mine has gotten on to me about me not sharing my own feelings but for the most part it feels like most of my feelings are rather trivial and I could deal with them later. But when I need someone, I REALLY NEED SOMEONE. Luckily I had my other best friend to turn to and she was very supportive during those times. But there was a day where she apparent disassociated - this was following my grandfather’s funeral so I was emotionally DONE - and her boyfriend was with her and told me to keep an eye on her that day before I could even say “Hello.”

I never felt more insulted. I am not her care taker and I am in no condition myself to look after anyone. So I didn’t say anything back but did so anyways. Then her boyfriend started ordering me around and when I tried to fight back, she would come for me. That was a sign to me where our friendship stood. 

Then in June, we were in a History of Rock N Roll class where we chose to do the final project in a group with our other officemate who was starting to become a good friend of mine. The officemate could meet me step by step for ambition and desire to succeed where it would always seem that my “best friend” had to be dragged up to meet me. We were planning to go idea scouting a store that all of us were familiar with that was about 5 minutes from my house. The thing was deciding a day when we would me. I would have preferred to meet in the evening sometime during the week because I work on the weekends and that money goes into financing my education as well as anything else I needed for school or recreation. But since she just COULDN’T compromise, we decided to meet up on a Saturday which meant I had to take the day off. I know I was and probably still am the most financially sound of the three of us but I take great pride that I have not had to ask my parents for financial help since my first semester of university. 

So on that Saturday, I was getting ready for the day when my dad comes into my room and asks who I will be meeting up with and jokingly brings up my “best friend”’s boyfriend. I respond with how they were joined at the hip and he would probably be there. My father was not happy with that asking why my “best friend” would waste her time one someone who lacked the same ambitions as she did and I responded with “unfortunately, she does not have our standards.” Harsh, I know but if there is anything is my family, it is that we are very honest with each other. That and we have RIDICULOUSLY high standards.

The store was only 5 minutes away from my house but I decided to go about things the long way, take my time getting there because why not? I had the time. I left my house half an hour early to go fill up my car and get something to drink while I waited for them. So I ended up spending about twenty minutes at the gas station airing up my tires as well as just browsing their beverage section for the newest sparkling waters which left a 5 to 6 minute drive to the store. But when I got back to my car, I got a text from my officemate asking if I’ve heard from my best friend. I immediately go check my messages because hey, their location was half an hour from the store and there was ten minutes until we were meeting. There was nothing from her and texted that to my officemate who was suppose to pick her up. 

I was waiting in the store’s parking lot for nearly an hour before they finally showed up. At that point I was feeling VERY insulted. I took of work that day just to do this so the cost benefit analysis was not going very well for me. Then when she goes on to explain that the reason why she was late was because she was getting laid just irritated me beyond I thought I was capable of. I ended up going out for takoyaki and tea with my younger brother just so that I could vent to someone. 

Getting laid is a fucking choice. It is an active choice. She fucking chose to be late!

Now some of you might be going “Hey Emi, what if she wasn’t sure what time you all were meeting up?” I had texted the group multiple times during the week and the night before to clarify what time we were meeting up. SHE HAD AT LEAST 15 DIFFERENT MESSAGES OF WHAT TIME WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET UP! 

Now some of you are probably like “Emi, isn’t this a bit harsh for someone who is late?”

This chick has known me for three years. The past three years I have kept the same exact work schedule. She knows that I hate doing things on the weekend because I hate taking off work except for my once a year vacation. My bosses all know that I don’t ask for time off often if at all. She knows that people come to me if they want financial advice and that I can balance a checkbook like NOBODY’S business so I know cost benefit analysis almost better than anyone in our department does despite being probably the youngest member. 

THIS CHICK FUCKING KNEW!

Then comes when we were working on our actual project, my officemate and I were working in the department copy room with the office assistant there to keep us company. We both had our parts up and were waiting for her to submit hers but it wasn’t happening. We were stressing out because we thought this was a going to be a group grade. So the department chair comes in (who is also one of the instructors for the class and the one grading us graduate students) and asks us what’s up and if everything is going alright. We tell him and he’s frowning because “best friend” is his graduate assistant and she’s been slacking in his class. He immediately goes into saying that he’s not worried about us because he knows our work but he goes on to explain that our grades will be based on our own sections of the presentation. That was a massive relief to us.

So presentations were supposed to take a maximum of 15 minutes, most of the people in our class took about 30 to 40 minutes. Since we were the last ones to present, we had the least amount of time. Before we started “best friend” asked if I could cut my presentation time down a bit because she wanted to talk a lot about her section. I did not think much of it so I agreed. Officemate ended up taking more time than we budgeted so I accounted for that when I was going through my presentation as well as “best friend’s” comment. As a result I did a speed run of mine so that “best friend” could have more time. It turns out her portion had nothing do to with what we were presenting on and she only took up TWO MINUTES! I was insulted.

To further rub salt in the wounds, her grade was only 5 points lower than mine was. Luckily I still got an A overall in the class or department chair would have me at his office door demanding an explanation. But yeah, it fucking hurt and I decided I was done. I couldn’t take this anymore. I needed to get out of this. 

But because my reputation was so tied to our friendship, it took a nosedive. I was a double major who they didn’t know well as an undergrad while she was one of their own. When I started to distance myself from her, people still associated her lack of a work effort as well as her overly negative attitude of things with me because they didn’t know me that well. It took the efforts of the department chair as well as the professor I am assisting and my thesis chair to help clear my name of her actions but I am still treading on eggshells for the upcoming fall semester. 

Upon talking to the office assistant recently, I have learned that others had seen this relationship as toxic. My officemate who has become my new workout buddy also said that my friendship with “best friend” was toxic. There were professors that wouldn’t approach me because they saw how negative my former friend was and thought that I was the same way. The officemate told me that she told them that I was the exact opposite of my former friend. Sure I was very much of a realist but I was not overly negative and actually very dependable unlike my former friend. Apparently some of my former students who have recently graduated also came to the office assistant (who was a classmate of theirs) talking about how I seemed to be doing everything I possibly could for our friendship and that my former friend was doing nothing. 

I have had so many people approach me the past two weeks often saying that the reason why they didn’t approach me earlier was because of my former friend and that I was different from what they expected.

This hurt me more than I want to admit. To know that people expected me to be like my former friend hurt. I thought I had worked hard enough throughout the past year to establish my own identity in the department but apparently it wasn’t enough. 

I am happy to be out of that relationship and I can tell you that I have much more energy now. I never knew that she was such a massive drain on my energy until recently.  But I am in a much better place now. Thank you all for reading and I hope you all can learn from my mistakes. 

- Emi

[filmandlove]

Friendship and Love

Originally I was going to start with what was left of Her, but I kind of got onto this roll with friendship. I think it’s a really valuable topic and an important one. And it’s also nice to take a break from thinking solely about Eros to talk about love in friendships.

We kicked off class by starting with sharing discussions we’ve had with our friends that centered around friendship itself. For example, just today I met an old friend for coffee. We’d been very close freshman year and had sort of lost touch after sophomore year. But a couple months ago she messaged me asking if I wanted to restart our freshman year tradition of “Coffee Thursday.” We made it “Coffee Tuesday,” based on our availability, and now we’ve gotten together almost every Tuesday since that day at a Starbucks to just chat about our lives. It’s amazing, because I’d frankly thought that I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore. We talked about that today. We reminisced about our early friendship (which involved a lot of hanging out on the weekends getting drunk and watching High School Musical, Video Game High School, 30 Rock, or some other silly show together). We talked about the first year of our friendship, and then the events surrounding our distancing. Also how glad we were that we’d become closer again, because we’d missed each other. It was nice to affirm that we both were glad to be friends, and it was enjoyable to reminisce, even about the not-so-great stuff.

According to the reading of The Four Loves, CS Lewis didn’t think that women could be form friendship bonds the same way men could. With anybody. Obviously that’s utter bullshit, but I thought it would be funny to bring up, especially after I wrote about that close friendship story. My best friend and I had a similar finding each other story, though we were not as close when we first became friends. We were part of a larger friend group that eventually disbanded, so we didn’t hang out too much after that. It wasn’t like we were NOT friends though, so when we were able to reconnect junior year, it was for real. And we because close so quickly.

I consider myself really lucky. My friendship with her is stronger than any relationship I’ve had with a significant other (though, to be fair, I have had only a small number). I think there is a misconception about friendships and significant others, though. We talked in class about the emphasis placed on Eros, and why that isn’t put onto friendships. Well, one reason is because that there’s the idea that society pushes that says we’re just supposed to have one true love at a time, and so most people look for that, while there’s no pressure to have just one friend. And that’s all true. But I think it would be helpful if love was looked at a little differently. Because, realistically, most people don’t have just one significant other in their life time. And maybe they do have feelings for more than one person at once. Aristotle’s hierarchy of friendship has three stages: utility (friends with a context, like work or class), pleasure (friends with whom you’d get coffee or go out for drinks), and virtue (best friends, the ones with whom you can have serious conversations and for whom you’d do anything). And if you think about it, I’m sure that this hierarchy could be applied to the people in your life. If you think about it, why can’t something similar be applied to significant others? Perhaps we don’t have them all at the same time – that’s a societal standard that I don’t think will change drastically for most people. But if you think about the evolution of your love life, is there not a hierarchy to it? Were some people in your life simply to help you learn something, whether you realized it at the time? Some relationships more superficial, some feelings deeper than others, with varying points of connection? You might have been with one person because they brought you a safe, comfortable space within which you could unwind, and yet another because they brought out your wild side and taught you about things you didn’t realize you enjoyed about yourself. Friends do this, too. Perhaps in a different way, but essentially, what I’m saying is that friends and lovers are not all that different in the ways that they affect your own personal story. Some do it deeply, others only appear for a moment. And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. Where it’s wrong is to neglect friendship for Eros. Friends have as much impact, or more, on your growth as a person, and if you constantly reject friendship in search of Eros, how can you learn to be a friend to your lover?

Some may argue that lovers are not friends but I strongly disagree with that. So many of the principles involved in friendship are involved in love. You have to have some sort of common connection that draws you to one another. As we discussed in class, with friendship that could be situational, based on a common interest, or a common dislike. It is doubtful that physical attraction is enough to sustain an Eros relationship, and there has to be something else that you like about the person in order to be with them. In each situation, personalities can differ, but you need to have communication in order to navigate those differences. The 36 questions we talked about a couple weeks ago could be helpful in finding romance, but also lasting friendship, especially one with the virtue that Aristotle believes is the highest order (I don’t disagree).

So, if friendship and Eros are so alike, what actually separates them? Romance, for one thing. A close personal connection doesn’t have to lead to romantic feelings for a person (though sometimes they do, which can definitely end really well, or could potentially ruin the friendship, or might not have an effect because the friendship is too strong for that to ruin it). I feel as though you choose your significant other more than you choose your friends. A lot of virtuous friends start as utility because you get thrown into situations with them, and you become friends for sheer happenstance. Eventually, they either move through the hierarchy, or they don’t. I don’t think it’s always a conscious choice to make them a friend of pleasure, you kind of realize that you’d like to hang out with them more and so you ask them for drinks, and there’s not too much thought put into it. People search a lot harder when they look for a significant other, because they’re worried about finding the right “one.” Because we don’t have to worry about that with friends so much, I think friendships are often more organic.

I’m concerned that this isn’t making any sense and that I’ve blurred the lines between friendship and significant other too much, so let me clarify and also be super vague all at once: being close to a person is great, whether it’s friendship or with a lover. Both of those can involve love for the other person, but with a significant other, there’s just something different. Romantic love is less easy to define, and much more fickle. I think in order to understand the a difference, you have to have felt both, but I’m still at a loss as to how to make the distinction clear. I think that means that I’ve still not yet grasped what love is. We shall see if perhaps I can come up with something more concrete in the future.