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pesterloglog · 5 months

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Tavros Nitram, John Egbert, Vriska Serket

Act 6, page 5382-5397

TAVROS: i SAW IT FIRST,

JOHN: huh?

TAVROS: gIVE IT TO ME,

JOHN: what... the ring?

TAVROS: yES, iT'S MINE,

JOHN: who are you?

TAVROS: i'M, yOUR WORST BAD DREAM, iF YOU DON'T RETURN MY TREASURE,

TAVROS: i FOUND IT, sNUGGLED IN THE SAND, bEING PRETTY AND GOLD AND BY ITSELF, aND i WANT IT BACK,

JOHN: so you found it here, like exactly where i just found it... but then instead of picking it up, you fell asleep?

TAVROS: wHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, i SOUND STUPID,

TAVROS: bUT, yES,

JOHN: sorry buddy. as the age old saying goes, you snooze, you lose.

TAVROS: i NEVER HEARD THAT AGE OLD SAYING, iN MY CULTURE, sO, fUCK YOUR LINGUAL HERITAGE, aND GIVE ME THE RING,

JOHN: why were you even asleep?

TAVROS: i WAS TIRED,

TAVROS: dUH,

JOHN: this is such a dumb place to fall asleep, dude.

TAVROS: tREASURE HUNTING IS HARD,

TAVROS: sHE HAS ME WORKING LIKE A BARKFIEND,

JOHN: who?

TAVROS: mY MATESPRIT,

TAVROS: tHAT MEANS GIRLFRIEND, yOU IGNORAMUS,

JOHN: i know what it means!

JOHN: no offense, but you seem like kind of a lame troll. i don't think we ever talked before, did we?

TAVROS: wHO CARES, gIVE ME MY TREASURE,

JOHN: no way! it's mine bro.

TAVROS: sHIT!

TAVROS: oKAY,

TAVROS: mAYBE WE CAN WORK OUT SOME KIND OF DEAL,

JOHN: i dunno. this ring is pretty sweet. the price would have to be pretty steep.

TAVROS: wOW,

TAVROS: yOU ARE REALLY PUTTING ME, iN AN UNCOMFORTABLE AND CHALLENGING SITUATION,

JOHN: why do you want this desert ring so bad. is it magic?

JOHN: i don't really feel magic wearing it...

JOHN: i mean, not any more than usual.

TAVROS: i DON'T KNOW, iF IT'S MAGIC,

TAVROS: tHAT'S NOT WHY i WANT IT,

JOHN: well, i'm not giving it to you unless you have a really good reason.

TAVROS: iT'S FOR PRIVATE SENTIMENTAL PURPOSES,

TAVROS: i DON'T WANT TO SAY,

JOHN: that's cool. guess i will just enjoy this ring forever, as my property.

TAVROS: oKAAAAAY,

TAVROS: i'LL TELL YOU,

TAVROS: yOU'RE AN AWFUL HUMAN, bY THE WAY,

JOHN: yeah right, dude. would an awful guy be wearing such a sweet, priceless ring? i don't think so!

TAVROS: oH MY GOD, tHAT'S SUCH BAD LOGIC, tHAT YOU'RE KNOWINGLY USING TO BE A WORSE ENEMY,

JOHN: yeah...

JOHN: you sure did explain that, i guess.

TAVROS: i WANT THE RING BECAUSE,

TAVROS: tHIS REQUIRES SOME LABORIOUS EXPLANATION,

TAVROS: iT PERTAINS TO HUMAN CUSTOMS, WHICH i HAVE TAKEN TIME TO STUDY AS AN ETERNAL GHOST,

TAVROS: tHE TREASURE IS NEEDED, TO COMPLETE A SORT OF RITUALIZED PACT,

TAVROS: hAVING TO DO WITH HUMAN MATING,

TAVROS: tO CEMENT IN STONE THE ROMANTIC MATRIMONIES,

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: you want to use it to propose to your girlfriend?

TAVROS: yEAH,

TAVROS: wHATEVER,

JOHN: heh... that is not really what i was expecting to hear.

JOHN: i thought you were just being a greedy treasure grubbing douche.

TAVROS: yOU MEAN,

TAVROS: lIKE YOU???

JOHN: yes.

JOHN: but that's a pretty good reason.

JOHN: i guess i can let you have it, if it is going to result in a happy marriage.

TAVROS: oKAY, tHEN HURRY, aND GIVE IT TO ME,

JOHN: who is the lucky lady, anyway?

TAVROS: oH NO, hURRY uP, tHERE'S NO TIME,

TAVROS: sHE'S COMING!

JOHN: who??

TAVROS: gIVE IT TO ME,

TAVROS: sHE CAN'T SEE IT YET, iT HAS TO BE A SURPRISE!

TAVROS: aLSO, i DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW i GOT IT, fROM A LOSER LIKE YOU,

JOHN: hey!

TAVROS: oH MY GOD,

VRISKA: TAAAAAAAAVR........ Oh!

VRISKA: Hi John.

VRISKA: Tavros, I didn't know you were hanging out with John. You should have come told me.

TAVROS: bUT, i JUST WOKE UP FROM THE SAND PILE, aND FOUND HIM HERE,

TAVROS: i HAD LITERALLY NO TIME TO GO TELL YOU, bECAUSE OF AN ARGUMENT,

VRISKA: What? What were you arguing a8out?

TAVROS: uHHH,

VRISKA: W8........ what do you mean woke up? Why were you asleep?

TAVROS: uHHH,

VRISKA: Dammit, Tavros. You can't 8e slacking off like that.

VRISKA: I told you, we aren't fucking around anymore. This is serious 8usiness.

JOHN: hey...

JOHN: excuse me, but

JOHN: are you...

JOHN: vriska?

VRISKA: Yeah!

VRISKA: Oh, sorry. I really should have introduced myself. I guess I forgot I technically never met this version of you.

JOHN: uh. that's alright. nice to meet you.

JOHN: wait...

JOHN: are you a ghost too?

VRISKA: Yep.

JOHN: so... you're dead?

VRISKA: Yes, John. That's what 8eing a ghost means.

JOHN: ok, i'm still confused though...

JOHN: sorry if i sound dumb, but dream bubbles are still kind of baffling to me.

JOHN: you're, uh... "REALLY" dead?

JOHN: as in, the real you? i mean... dang, what the hell am i even trying to ask here...

VRISKA: No, I get what you're asking.

VRISKA: Yes, the real me. The actual, legit, fully authentic alpha timeline Vriska. Dead. Gone. Fuckin' toast.

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: so when i meet up with everyone on your troll meteor in a year, that means...

JOHN: you'll be...

VRISKA: A corpse!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: That's assuming my 8ody was sufficiently preserved during the trip.

VRISKA: Which, now that I think a8out it, I guess it was? It must have 8een, 8ecause otherwise that unspeaka8le prototyping atrocity couldn't have happened.

VRISKA: That piece of shit clown. I still have no idea what the deal with that was! He's completely lost his mind. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

VRISKA: Honestly, I'm surprised you hadn't already heard I was dead, one way or another. It's kind of old news?

VRISKA: Then again, these things are all relative. So who knows.

JOHN: ...

VRISKA: Are you ok? You seem sad.

JOHN: well,

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: it's always sad to hear a friend died. even if you find out about it from their ghost.

VRISKA: I guess so.

JOHN: also, i had kind of thought that when we all arrived at the new session, that...

JOHN: we were going to like... hang out. or something.

VRISKA: Oh yeah! That's right. We were.

VRISKA: 8ut then I got sta88ed through the 8ack. Which to 8e fair, was for the good of the party, so the meteor could make the trip in the first place, and keep this whole crazy sequence of events intact.

VRISKA: Not gonna lie. I made some mistakes.

JOHN: wow. what even happened out there?

VRISKA: Just some pointless, deadly teen drama. Mostly 8rought on 8y ourselves, all acting like juvenile idiots. Like I said, old news.

VRISKA: VERY old for me. I've 8een here a pretty long time now.

VRISKA: A lot has happened since I died. John, did you know the little rendezvous we planned sort of already happened? I mean, in a way.

JOHN: what? it did?

VRISKA: Yes. With your ghost.

JOHN: huh??

VRISKA: I mean, the ghost of one of your altern8te selves, who died along the way doing some stupid thing.

VRISKA: Actually, he and I d8ted for a little while.

TAVROS: wHOA, hOLD ON,

TAVROS: wHAT'S THIS, aBOUT DATING WHO?

VRISKA: Groan. Here we go.

TAVROS: wHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, aBOUT THAT,

VRISKA: Tavros, I have led a rich and complic8ted life and death. I can hardly 8e expected to tell you a8out every little thing that I've 8een through.

VRISKA: 8esides, you should have already known this a8out me.

TAVROS: wHY,

VRISKA: 8ecause we shared a sprite 8ody once!!!!!!!! We 8riefly had access to all each others memories and feelings.

VRISKA: So if you didn't take the chance to dig that out of my memory, you only have yourself to 8lame.

TAVROS: nO, bUT, tHAT HARDLY LASTED ANY TIME AT ALL,

TAVROS: aND THERE WERE A LOT, oF OVERWHELMING EXPERIENCES ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE,

TAVROS: hOW COULD i TRY TO REMEMBER ALL YOUR MEMORIES BEFORE WE EXPLODED,

VRISKA: Well, all I can say is, I managed! I took the opportunity to remem8er pretty much all YOUR memories.

VRISKA: I was in and out like a 8andit, and now all your life experiences are mine.

TAVROS: tHAT'S NOT FAIR,

TAVROS: bECAUSE, yOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME, aND MORE CUNNING,

VRISKA: Them's the 8r8ks!!!!!!!!

JOHN: wait, i'm with tavros here, i think we should back this up a bit.

JOHN: so, my alternate reality ghost dated you?

VRISKA: Yes.

JOHN: that...

JOHN: but...

VRISKA: What?

JOHN: vriska, this is a very bizarre and unsettling fact to me!

VRISKA: Why?

JOHN: because...

JOHN: man, i don't know, it just is!

JOHN: you say we dated for a while, but like, i don't even get to remember doing that?

JOHN: i think that's mostly what's weird about it.

VRISKA: Hey, we apparently don't get to remem8er the results of a lot of choices we didn't actually make!

VRISKA: Again, see: the 8r8ks.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: can you at least tell me what happened there? like, how did that go?

VRISKA: It was fine. For a while.

VRISKA: It didn't really work out.

JOHN: oh.

VRISKA: We crossed paths every now and then after that.

VRISKA: Things stayed pretty friendly 8etween us.

VRISKA: Until he died.

JOHN: what??

JOHN: what do you mean he died?

VRISKA: He was murdered.

JOHN: you mean... his GHOST died?

VRISKA: Yes.

JOHN: as in, he just doesn't exist at all anymore? like DEAD dead?

VRISKA: Yes! Dead dead. For good.

JOHN: i don't... how does that even...

JOHN: who killed him???

JOHN: was it jack?

VRISKA: Jack? Are you kidding? No, John.

VRISKA: Jack is 8arely in the picture as a threat anymore. He's just more old news.

JOHN: he is not old news though!

JOHN: he's still as strong and menacing as ever.

JOHN: i just had an awesome battle with him in this very dream bubble!

VRISKA: You did?

JOHN: yeah. i found him skulking around a memory of my dead dad, and i got pissed off, so i really let him have it.

JOHN: oh, i even used the cool hammer you helped me make. remember that?

VRISKA: Oh yeah!

VRISKA: Those were good times, when I helped you 8e gr8. ::::)

JOHN: yes.

JOHN: the last time i faced him was kind of embarrassing. i let him get the drop on me, and he just stabbed me right away.

JOHN: but this time i think i held my own pretty well. i even got in one good hit against him!

JOHN: i gave him a solid bop on the head, and the dice roll made him wear a silly hat.

VRISKA: That's awesome!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: One time in an altern8te reality, I came pretty close to killing him apparently.

JOHN: oh really?

VRISKA: You 8et. Too 8ad that was in a timeline that didn't really count. 8ut it's always reassuring to know you can put up a good fight against a strong adversary if you ever needed to. Now I guess you know you can too.

JOHN: i guess so!

VRISKA: What happened after you 8onked him on the head? I 8et he was mad.

JOHN: yeah, he sure was. but our fight was interrupted by like... another taller, white jack dressed in rags.

VRISKA: A white Jack?

JOHN: well, no, it wasn't actually a jack, it was someone different altogether, who just looked like him. with wings and a sword and everything.

JOHN: i think the white jack was probably a girl? i'm not sure, but that was my hunch. i didn't talk to her or anything. she looked really angry.

JOHN: anyway, he seemed scared of her, so he flew away, and she chased him.

JOHN: do you know who she was?

VRISKA: No fucking clue.

JOHN: whatever jack's doing out here in dream bubble land, he seems to have his hands full with her on his tail.

JOHN: but as you can see, he is FAR from out of the picture.

VRISKA: Ok, that may 8e, 8ut it sure wasn't Jack who killed a whole shitload of ghosts out here, including one of yours.

VRISKA: I really dou8t Jack can even kill ghosts. In fact, I don't think anyone can except for this guy.

JOHN: what guy?

VRISKA: Lord English.

JOHN: who??

VRISKA: Wow, John. Really?

VRISKA: Wow.

VRISKA: Time to get a clue!

VRISKA: Hasn't it ever occurred to you to wonder who the ultim8 8ad guy of this adventure was going to 8e?

JOHN: ultimate bad guy?

JOHN: you mean like the last boss?

VRISKA: Man, even that way of putting it is a little too pedestrian.

VRISKA: I mean, I already 8eat a last 8oss! The 8lack king was the officially sanctioned last 8oss of our session, and I killed him. This is different.

VRISKA: There's always someone stronger w8ing to 8e revealed. Jack showed up shortly after that, and he was MUCH stronger.

VRISKA: Eventually the curtains get pulled 8ack, and you find out who was 8ehind every terri8le thing that happened all along. Someone who is invaria8ly stronger than all other adversaries 8y a wide margin. The supreme villain!

VRISKA: To 8e honest, I was always kind of w8ing for that guy to show up, whoever he was. For the other shoe to drop, you know? There's always a 8ig 8ad 8ehind everything. A true gamer sees stuff like this coming a mile away.

JOHN: ok. if you say so.

JOHN: i always kind of thought jack was evil and strong enough to be our main antagonist. but if you say there is someone even stronger and more evil, then... wow.

VRISKA: Yes, I'll admit, I was fooled 8y Jack 8riefly.

VRISKA: For a little while, I thought he was the supreme menace, and I would have to face him in a final showdown.

VRISKA: 8ut it turned out that was just a 8it of standard misdirection. He was just another step up in a typical pattern of escal8tion involving increasingly "insurmounta8le" threats, which legendary heroes like us have to overcome to achieve total victory over everything.

VRISKA: Also, let's face it. I don't think Jack is all that evil, so much as he's just a murderous asshole. Trust me, I know the type.

VRISKA: 8ut English, that guy is as evil as they come. He's the real deal!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: oKAY, cAN i JUST SAY SOMETHING,

TAVROS: i STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO SURE, hE'S THE FINAL VILLAIN,

TAVROS: bECAUSE, yOU YOURSELF SAID, tHERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE STRONGER, rIGHT,

TAVROS: sO, i'M PERCEIVING A CONTRADICTION ABOUT YOUR FACTS,

VRISKA: Tavros, come on. We've already talked a8out this ad nauseum.

VRISKA: He's the 8ig 8ad!!!!!!!! It's so o8vious. I mean, MAY8E there's someone stronger out there in paradox space? Who knows.

VRISKA: 8ut whoever that is has nothing to fucking do with this massive extended multiverse-spanning campaign!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: English was the guy who stacked the whole deck against us from the start, rigging shit to go haywire, wiping out our race, 8lowing up universes, exterimin8ting ghosts, slaughtering dark gods, and shattering reality itself. Pretty sure we reached the top floor, 8uddy!

TAVROS: oKAY, bUT ALL i'M SAYING IS, wHAT IF,

TAVROS: tHERE'S SOMEONE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT, dUE TO SPECULATION,

VRISKA: Un8elieva8le.

VRISKA: John, just ignore him. He tends to 8e contrary just for the sake of 8eing contrary. It's just what he does these days.

VRISKA: He seems to think it's how you show confidence and assertiveness. The key to high self esteem is apparently just saying "nuh uh!" all the time.

TAVROS: nO, tHAT'S NOT TRUE,

VRISKA: See?

VRISKA: This was apparently the 8ig lesson he learned from sharing a 8rain with me for a few minutes. In order to feel good a8out yourself, just 8e a constant pain in the ass!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: nO, tHAT'S NOT WHAT i LEARNED,

JOHN: haha.

JOHN: i see what you mean.

TAVROS: nO,

TAVROS: nO, oKAY, i REALIZE ALL i'M SAYING IS NO, WHICH IS JUST HELPING MAKE YOU LOOK AS RIGHT AS POSSIBLE ABOUT MAKING FUN OF ME,

TAVROS: bUT i LEARNED IN YOUR BRAIN THAT YOU AREN'T ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING,

TAVROS: yOU WERE WRONG ABOUT LOTS OF THINGS,

TAVROS: yOU WERE WRONG ABOUT RUFIO!

TAVROS: rUFIO WAS REAL ALL ALONG, }:D

VRISKA: Alright, granted, there did in fact exist a person 8y that name.

VRISKA: You aren't spelling it right, though.

TAVROS: hOW DO YOU KNOW HOW i'M SPELLING IT, wHEN i'M JUST TALKING, iNSTEAD OF USING LETTERS,

VRISKA: 8ecause that's how you spelled it when we used to chat online, dum8ass!!!!!!!! You weren't using enough letters.

TAVROS: sO,

VRISKA: And in any case, he doesn't actually represent your self esteem. He's just some dude.

TAVROS: bUT, hE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF wHEN i THINK OF HIM, sO THE REALITY IS EFFECTIVELY EQUIVALENT TO MY FRAUDULENT CHILDHOOD SUPERSTITION,

VRISKA: Lol. Whatever floats your 8oat.

JOHN: you both seem a bit testy with each other. it's kind of funny.

JOHN: actually it's a little hard to believe you and he are...

VRISKA: What?

JOHN: er...

JOHN: never mind, actually.

VRISKA: ???????!

JOHN: i take it you were pretty good friends back on your planet?

VRISKA: You could say that.

VRISKA: There's a pretty loaded history 8etween us. It's pro8a8ly 8est not to get into it.

VRISKA: None of that matters anymore anyway, it was so long ago. You know how it is.

JOHN: um. sure?

VRISKA: Issues 8etween people seem like such a 8ig deal when they're happening. 8ut then you die, and time just goes on, and on........ then on some more.

VRISKA: If enough time passes, shit that used to 8e a 8ig deal kind of stops mattering.

VRISKA: Ok, full disclosure. I used to do a lot of terri8le things to Tavros.

VRISKA: Once I launched him off a cliff and paralyzed him. And if that wasn't 8ad enough, I spent sweeps mocking him for the disa8ility I caused! Haha.

VRISKA: Oh yeah. Then I killed him.

JOHN: oh, right. i remember you said you killed someone that you cared about. i guess this is him?

VRISKA: Mm hm.

VRISKA: 8ut like I said, that's suuuuuuuuch old news now, it might as well not have even happened.

VRISKA: Tavros doesn't give a shit a8out that stuff anymore.

TAVROS: hEY, wAIT, mAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T, SPEAK FOR ME?

TAVROS: i STILL KIND OF THINK THAT STUFF WAS ALL PRETTY MEAN, eVEN THOUGH IT WAS FOREVER AGO,

TAVROS: iT'S JUST, i HAVE CHOSEN TO BE THE BIGGER MAN, aND NOT HOLD IT AGAINST LIKING YOU,

VRISKA: Hahahaha! John, can you 8elieve this guy?

VRISKA: This is the kind of shit I have to deal with all the time.

TAVROS: oH GOD,

TAVROS: nO, tIME OUT, i'M FLAGGING THIS, vRISKA, aS TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR,

VRISKA: Tavros, the 8igger man is only ACTUALLY the 8igger man if he doesn't refer to himself as the 8igger man. That's kind of the point?

VRISKA: Unless the intent is to produce some form of socially awkward comic relief, which let's face it, is what you're all a8out.

VRISKA: 8ut that's what I like a8out you.

TAVROS: yES, }:)

JOHN: hmm, i feel like... maybe we got sidetracked there?

JOHN: maybe you should tell me more about this english guy.

JOHN: frankly, it seems like i'm usually one of the last people to learn about stuff like this, and it's starting to make me feel like a bit of a tool.

VRISKA: He's just some huge overpowered green freak. A time traveling monster, supposedly invinci8le.

VRISKA: Who he is, what he is, where he came from, none of that really matters.

VRISKA: What matters is how we're going to defeat him.

VRISKA: That's what Tavros and I have 8een working on here for some time now.

JOHN: working on what?

VRISKA: Treasure hunting!

JOHN: oh yeah?

JOHN: what treasure?

VRISKA: Yes. Ok, I should explain.

VRISKA: There's sort of a plan in motion to 8eat English. It's a three pronged approach.

VRISKA: A num8er of people out here in the furthest ring are working on different prongs of the strategy independently.

VRISKA: The first is a quest to find the lost ghost of some alien girl. She's said to 8e one of the keys to defeating him in some way.

VRISKA: Other people are allegedly out there working on that right now. If you ask me, it sounds like a really 8oring approach to defeating him. Who knows if it's even true.

TAVROS: (gIVe it tO me,)

JOHN: (stop that!)

JOHN: (keep your hands to yourself.)

VRISKA: The second is a quest to raise an army of ghosts to challenge him directly in some kind of huge 8attle royale, I guess.

VRISKA: From what I understand, some yahoo out there is 8usy rounding people up. I really have no idea how that's going. I usually just hear stuff through the grapevine.

VRISKA: That approach doesn't really interest me either. Gonna file it under "8oring" as well. Seems a little heavy handed, not to mention too slow.

TAVROS: (gIve Me thE riNG,)

JOHN: (no!)

TAVROS: (yes, yOu ASs,)

JOHN: (dude, you suck at whispering!)

TAVROS: (you sAiD you'D GIve it to me,)

JOHN: (i changed my mind!)

VRISKA: The third prong is what Tavros and I are 8usy with. The aforementioned treasure hunt.

VRISKA: The legend says there's some mystical ancient treasure hidden somewhere out here in the furthest ring.

VRISKA: I'm assuming it's some kind of weapon. It's said that if you use it, or like, activ8te it in some way, he can 8e defeated forever.

VRISKA: The nature of the treasure is pretty vague, actually. 8ut the first rule of treasure hunting, which I'm admittedly just making up now, is that it doesn't fucking matter what the treasure is.

TAVROS: (wE had a deAl,)

JOHN: (quit it!)

TAVROS: (why Are you sUcH a liar,)

JOHN: (shut up. i'm keeping it.)

TAVROS: (thiS is noT cOOl,)

TAVROS: (you're PrevenTing joYful human sTYled matrimonY frOM happEning,)

JOHN: (yeah right. like she would even say yes.)

JOHN: (i don't even think she's really your girlfriend. i think you made that up!)

TAVROS: (wow, no, wOw,)

TAVROS: (you wEnt thERE,)

VRISKA: These three goals are all tied to the same legend which I've uncovered clues a8out over time. Legendary shit is everywhere out here. I'm seriously up to my ass in legend. Hell, I probably even qualify as a legend myself!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: When it comes to solving a 8ig mystery like this, it doesn't hurt that everywhere we go, places are composed of the collective memories of many different adventurers.

VRISKA: We've explored ancient crypts, networks of 8urial mounds, dusty old tom8s, giant pyramids, you name it. Hints a8out the endgame are hidden all over the place.

VRISKA: Really, everyone's pretty lucky I died so I could do all the dirty work on this. Let's get real, no8ody's 8etter prepared to take on the treasure hunting duties than I am.

TAVROS: (unhAnd the treasurE,)

TAVROS: (it's prEcious to Me, jUst liKe, My beautiful GIRLFRIEND,)

JOHN: (you are so full of shit!)

TAVROS: (we're in LOVE toGetHEr, aSSHole,)

JOHN: (there's no way you're getting this ring.)

TAVROS: (fUCk, YoU,)

VRISKA: Not that I'd have it any other way. This just sounds like the 8est plan to me. Why 8other messing around with an army of ghostly dipshits, or some shy magic alien when you can go str8 for the ultim8 weapon?

VRISKA: Hell, may8e I'll just walk right up to him, one-shot the guy and end it all right there.

VRISKA: That's how a real pro goes a8out 8usiness. You take any shortcut you find.

JOHN: (i am going to wish as super hard as i can that i wake up with this ring.)

JOHN: (it's probably magic, so i bet it makes my wish come true!)

TAVROS: (i doubT that From happeNing,)

JOHN: (if i wish hard enough, that will make it slightly less impossible!)

TAVROS: (oh, you bastARD, you arE gOOd,)

JOHN: (i think some day i will use it to propose to *MY* girlfriend. what do you think about THAT, wise guy?)

TAVROS: (noOO!!!)

TAVROS: (gIMme,)

JOHN: (this is pathetic.)

JOHN: (stop grabbing at me! we're missing what she's saying!)

JOHN: (she's going to think we're idiots, won't you STOP?)

VRISKA: Are you fuckers even listening to me???????? God DAMN it.

JOHN: yes!

VRISKA: No you're not. You're squa88ling with Tavros and his loud shitty whispering a8out some 8ullshit.

VRISKA: Come on, guys. Am I really 8eing that 8oring?

VRISKA: I'm really starting to understand how my ancestor must have felt sometimes. No8ody ever respects an important explan8tion!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: (i've alReadY heARd yoUR explANAtions, tHough,)

VRISKA: Why are you still whispering jackass?!

TAVROS: oHH,

TAVROS: sORRY,

VRISKA: Sigh.

VRISKA: 8oth of you just keep your damn hands to yourselves, shut up, and let me finish my story.

VRISKA: Tavros! 8ring me the treasure maps!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: yES,

TAVROS: rIGHT AWAY,

VRISKA: Yes, that's it. Dump them all over the floor a8out ten feet away from me, just like that.

VRISKA: The sloppier the pile and the further away from me the 8etter. Gr8 jo8, Tavros.

TAVROS: tHANK YOU,

VRISKA: John, come take a look at this.

JOHN: those are all treasure maps?

VRISKA: Sort of! Pro8a8ly not like any maps you've seen.

VRISKA: Check it out. This ought to help you understand how frustr8ting this treasure hunt really is.

VRISKA: John, tell me what you see here.

JOHN: um...

JOHN: where?

VRISKA: Right here.

VRISKA: What is this? This thing I'm holding?

JOHN: a black piece of paper?

VRISKA: No, John.

VRISKA: This is 8ULLSHIT is what it is.

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: yes, clearly.

VRISKA: This is what a map looks like in the furthest ring.

VRISKA: This is what ALL maps look like out here.

VRISKA: Turns out plotting the relative geographical features of an infinite 8lack expanse of pure void is every 8it as moronic as it sounds. 8ut that didn't stop some ancient eldritch chucklefuck from doing exactly that.

VRISKA: For the longest time, this is all we've had to go on when it came to deciphering the clues and figuring out the coordin8tes of the legendary treasure.

VRISKA: Do you have any idea how hard it is to pin down the physical location of something out here? Never mind the fact that physical location in the furthest ring is already a mallea8le concept. Just imagine what it's like giving someone directions! What do you tell them?

VRISKA: Proceed in a str8 line shaped like a perpetually shifting torus knot until you feel a sense of despair transcending all mortal comprehension, then hang a right at the next octopus?

VRISKA: There's nothing static out there. No landmarks, no points of reference. Nothing!

VRISKA: If you want to make any headway in this gr8 8ig field of fuckall, SOMEONE has got to start wrecking some shit.

JOHN: would that someone be you?

VRISKA: Haha. I wish I had that kind of firepower. 8ut no.

VRISKA: You wouldn't 8elieve my luck.

VRISKA: You see, recently someone's 8een doing that dirty work for us.

VRISKA: Want to know what the kicker is?

VRISKA: The guy who's 8een fucking shit up is the 8ig 8ad himself!

VRISKA: Every time he destroys another dream 8u88le, he does a little more damage to the furthest ring, inexplica8ly shattering the essence of all-encompassing nothingness.

VRISKA: As the cracks spread across the void, new points of reference show up on our maps!

VRISKA: Then we look at the angles and intersections and all the shapes formed 8y the cracks, and compare them to our notes from the various riddles and clues we've discovered a8out the path to the treasure.

VRISKA: It's actually a little like how in old times on Alternia, pir8s used to navig8 8y shapes the stars made. Constell8tions used to have a lot of significance in our culture, not just guiding explorers on their journeys to physical destin8tions, 8ut guiding them on the choices they made in life, pertaining to f8 and all that. Not that humans would really understand anything like that.

VRISKA: I actually find the situ8tion to 8e pretty funny. This guy's ego must 8e astronomical. Classic case of unchecked hu8ris paving the way for his own downfall.

VRISKA: I didn't even need to 8uild a we8 to trap him. He just went ahead and started 8uilding his own.

VRISKA: Talk a8out a lucky 8r8k!!!!!!!!

JOHN: that is pretty neat.

JOHN: so does that mean you know where the treasure is now?

VRISKA: No, 8ecause the map isn't complete yet!

VRISKA: Needs more cracks so we can plot the rest of the course. All we're a8le to do now is head in the right general direction.

VRISKA: So ironically in order to prevent reality from 8eing destroyed, we need to w8 for it to 8e damaged further. In fact, we're 8etter off encouraging it!

JOHN: encouraging it?

JOHN: what, you mean like, making him mad so he breaks more... uh...

JOHN: nothingness?

VRISKA: Yes, 8ut it has to 8e strategic. We have to somehow lead him in the direction of the places we want him to damage.

VRISKA: Specifically, the places where the route dead-ends. Wherever we need new points of reference to keep going.

JOHN: so that means you have to piss him off i guess.

VRISKA: Not really. He's already pissed off. I think he's just permanently that way?

VRISKA: It's more a8out getting his attention. Using the right 88! Like going fishing.

VRISKA: 8ut to do that, you gotta know what he really wants. Like what motiv8tes him. I mean, 8esides indiscrimin8tely killing dead children and huge tentacle monsters.

JOHN: i am guessing you have an idea what that might be?

VRISKA: Sure. The rumor is he's trying to find that dead alien girl I mentioned, and kill her ghost for good.

VRISKA: If he catches on to the fact that some of us are looking for her too, and thinks we're hot on her trail, he'll pro8a8ly start following us around and wreaking havoc wherever we go.

VRISKA: We just have to make sure we're in the right place when he tries to kill us. Oh, also try not to actually die again while we're at it. Haha.

JOHN: so the bait is really you.

VRISKA: Sort of! It's actually more the 8ogus idea that we'll lead him to the cheru8, 8ecause we're looking for her too. Which we're o8viously not.

VRISKA: There's some manipul8tion involved.

JOHN: ok. how do you know he'll go for it? i mean, how will he actually know you're "looking" for her?

VRISKA: That's a pretty good question. Have to admit, I don't have everything quite figured out yet.

TAVROS: yEEAAAAAAAAAAH,

VRISKA: Shhhhhhh! I'm still talking!

TAVROS: bUT, tHAT'S NEVER NOT BEING THE CASE, aLWAYS,

VRISKA: Nice sentence, genius! Anyway, like I was saying........

VRISKA: I'm hoping my exploits can spread throughout the ring 8y word of mouth. Tales of my legend, you know?

VRISKA: Then once he catches on, he'll come looking for us, and then presuma8ly go apeshit with his rain8ow laser 8reath. Metaphysical cataclysm ensues.

JOHN: that sounds... optimistic?

TAVROS: yEAH, eXACTLY,

TAVROS: sEE, tHIS TO ME, mAYBE SPEAKS TO THE DANGER,

TAVROS: oF HAVING SELF ESTEEM THAT IS UNREASONABLY HIGH,

JOHN: heh.

VRISKA: Oh, shut up.

VRISKA: I said it's a work in progress!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: We might need to make a 8igger spectacle of ourselves somehow. Get more people involved. I don't know.

VRISKA: It does seems like he's more drawn toward gr8ter concentr8tions of ghosts.

VRISKA: There's still plenty of time to figure it out. That's one thing a8out 8eing dead. There's always more time.

VRISKA: Plus, needless to say, lady luck will ALWAYS 8e on our side! ::::)

JOHN: well...

JOHN: cool!

JOHN: that was actually a very interesting story, vriska.

JOHN: you're a pretty good story teller!

VRISKA: You think so?

TAVROS: oH, yES, i THINK SO TOO,

TAVROS: sHE'S GOTTEN MUCH BETTER AT STORIES, aS A RECREATIONAL LONG TERM DEATH HOBBY,

JOHN: oh yeah?

TAVROS: sURE, wE'VE BOTH LOOKED AT LESSONS FROM OUR ANCESTORS, tO IMPROVE OUR SOULS,

TAVROS: hER ANCESTRAL AWAKENING HAS TO DO WITH UNDERSTANDING HER DESTINY, tO TELL LONG STORIES TO PEOPLE, aND MAKE THEM LISTEN TO ALL THE WORDS IRREGARDLESS OF THEIR INTEREST, bY ANY MEANS NECESSARY,

TAVROS: tHE ART OF SAYING OPTIMAL TALES BY MY UNDERSTANDING, iS TO CHARGE THROUGH ALL CONCEIVABLE DETAILS AND EXCESSIVE MINUTIA, uNTIL THEY ARE EXHAUSTED COMPLETELY, mUCH LIKE IT IS A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE, aND EXTRANEOUS INFORMATION IS TREATED LIKE THE RELIGIOUS WORDS YOU SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL BRAIN PEACE HAPPENS,

JOHN: that's... one way of looking at it.

JOHN: i don't know about excessive minutia or brain peace, but i was hanging on every word!

VRISKA: Aw, you guys. You're making me 8lush.

JOHN: i wish i could hang out with you longer and maybe even help you with your treasure hunt.

JOHN: but i just know i'm gonna be waking up soon.

JOHN: darn. who even knows how long it will be before we meet again in another bubble?

TAVROS: yEAH, wELL,

TAVROS: tHEM'S THE BREAKS, aHA, aHA,

TAVROS: (soOn, iT wilL be MIne,)

VRISKA: Don't mind him, John. He's just 8eing weird and tooly again.

VRISKA: It was nice to see you and catch up like this. If we don't meet in another dream soon, don't worry.

VRISKA: I have a feeling we'll 8e crossing paths again 8efore this is all over!

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