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pesterloglog · 5 months

Text

John Egbert, Jade Harley, Jaspersprite

Act 6, page 5283-5307

JOHN: jade...

JADE: hm?

JOHN: i think i just realized something.

JADE: what?

JOHN: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!

JADE: whaaat

JADE: but you love this movie!

JOHN: yeah, i know.

JOHN: i mean... i thought i did.

JOHN: it's been kind of a long time since i last saw it. i really remember it being a lot better than this!

JOHN: but now everything just seems so cheesy and stupid.

JADE: but you were making such a big deal about finally getting me to watch it with you on your birthday!

JADE: you were going on and on about how i wouldnt be disappointed... but now youre saying you dont like it?

JOHN: i don't know. i'm trying to like it. i WANT to like it.

JOHN: i want to feel the same magic that was there all the other times i watched it.

JOHN: but i can't, because...

JOHN: it's just...

JOHN: not...

JOHN: good. :(

JADE: really?

JADE: i was actually kind of enjoying it!

JADE: its very silly

JADE: i really dont think its the kind of movie youre supposed to take all that seriously john

JOHN: but i DID take it seriously!!!

JOHN: i guess maybe that's kind of the point.

JOHN: i always thought all this hokey bullshit was legitimately awesome and compelling.

JOHN: what was i even thinking!

JADE: i dunno....

JADE: but people can change their minds about things

JADE: i think youre allowed to change your mind about a silly movie

JADE: i used to LOVE the squiddles show when i was really young

JADE: but as i got older i started to realize it wasnt as great as i thought it was

JADE: i was just too young to see how it was actually a flagrant vehicle for selling merchandise

JADE: and if you believed the conspiracy theorists it might have even been pushing some other dark hidden agendas.....

JADE: so i stopped liking the show itself as much but that didnt change the fact that i had a lot of fond memories about it

JADE: i still loved all the cute characters and could enjoy it on a nostalgic level

JOHN: well, maybe later i'll be able to rekindle some nostalgic feelings about it.

JOHN: but right now, i just feel like a dope for talking this up so hard.

JADE: what is even the problem with it?

JADE: ive just been watching this and thinking, yup, i can see why john was so obsessed with this movie...

JADE: its funny!

JOHN: it's just non stop terrible action movie cliches!

JOHN: look.

JOHN: i love nic cage. he is basically my hero, ok?

JOHN: but i'm kind of just realizing now that he is EMBARRASSINGLY BAD in this movie!

JOHN: he is just doing this corny parody of a southern guy who is down on his luck, and acts "charming" with his goofy accent and stuff.

JOHN: some things i used to think were so badass are just coming off as ridiculous now.

JOHN: can you believe that one time we were watching this movie, when he said "put the bunny back in the box" i actually high fived my dad?

JOHN: this time that line just made me roll my eyes.

JOHN: there's so much crappy dialogue!

JOHN: "cyrus, this is your barbecue, and it tastes good..." arrgh!

JADE: but he was trying to sound like a hardened criminal to win the trust of john malkovich!

JOHN: jade, please. it was a cheesy line, don't be so naive.

JADE: what!!

JADE: you spent your whole life worshiping this dumb movie and now youre calling ME naive????

JOHN: ok, i'm sorry. i guess in fairness to you, you have only just begun to climb the steep learning curve of this vexing and hypnotic film.

JOHN: but i am no longer bound by its spell, jade.

JADE: oh god

JADE: vexing and hypnotic??

JADE: its a movie full of explosions about a guy with a mullet

JADE: what is with you lately? you seem to be in such a crappy mood these days

JOHN: i am fine. this MOVIE is what's crappy these days.

JADE: oh bluh bluh

JADE: can we just finish the rest of the movie?

JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff!

JADE: hang on im going to rewind it...

JOHN: who even cares what we missed.

JOHN: just cameron stupid poe in his idiot wife beater babbling some more southern home spun heroic nonsense.

JOHN: heart of gold my ass!!!!!

JOHN: everything dave ever said about this movie was right! i can't believe i used to think he was just trolling me.

JOHN: the stupid junkyard scene where cyrus makes a little model out of rocks and stuff, just so he could tell the criminals to surround some army guys and shoot them... that was pointless!

JOHN: and all this heavy handed scoring. oh my god. the music makes every little thing into such a federal issue!

JOHN: like... oh man, SOME MINOR CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED IN SLOW MOTION! dun-dun dun-dun DUN DUN DUN!!!

JOHN: there. now you officially know they are all badasses.

JOHN: also, i somehow didn't even remember dave chappelle being in this movie. he was pointless too.

JADE: whos dave chappelle?

JOHN: and you know the malloy guy, the dick head cop who we're supposed to hate, because of how he gives john cusack a hard time and makes asshole decisions with a helicopter?

JOHN: well screw that! he wasn't so bad. so what if he was a little grumpy? he was just trying to do his job. he had one of the best lines in the movie actually, which was another thing we were supposed to hate him for.

JOHN: what was it? about how cusack was probably out saving a tree and recycling his sandals or some shit? HAHAHA! now that i think about it, i fucking LOVE malloy.

JOHN: i'm going to rewind it to watch that scene again...

JADE: no!!!

JADE: dont touch the remote

JOHN: oh, and we're supposed to be like "YEAH" when cusack wrecks malloy's awesome sports car.

JOHN: but that was a nice car! john cusack shouldn't have ruined it like that for laughs.

JOHN: i know *I* wasn't laughing, were you?

JADE: YES :p

JOHN: john cusack was such a terrible character in this movie now that i think about it. i don't really get what he added to it?

JOHN: he was like the second hero... but dorkier? what did he even really do? he scampered around the junkyard for a while goofing off, and then when it was his time to shine...

JOHN: HE DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY OVER HEAVY MACHINERY! wow, he can operate a crane! i am thrilled by the exploits of this pedantic weenie.

JOHN: i guess he's actually like cage's estranged sidekick? almost like the robin that batman never realized he had.

JOHN: now that i think about it, this movie was always an oddly poignant tale of bromance between cage and cusack. just two bros separated by destiny, waiting to be united.

JOHN: when they finally come together to kick some ass, it is arguably more moving than when he reunites with his wife and daughter!

JOHN: i wonder if i'll think that scene sucks now too? it used to move me to tears, but now i'll probably think it's so lame, i'm almost afraid to watch it. maybe i should try to leave at least SOME memories untainted.

JADE: john you are kind of sounding like a crazy person here

JOHN: yeah right! crazy like a fOWWW!

JADE: what???

JOHN: oh...

JOHN: i guess there was a stray feather clinging to my pajamas and it just poked me in the ass.

JOHN: god damn dave sprite.

JOHN: that guy molts like it's going out of style.

JADE: oh...

JADE: heh

JADE: yeah

JOHN: where is he anyway?

JOHN: i specifically told dave sprite several times when my party would start, because i knew he would do this.

JOHN: he's already missed half the movie!

JADE: why do you always call him dave sprite?

JOHN: um... because that's his name?

JOHN: dave sprite.

JADE: no, i mean why do you always say it like that? with the space between words?

JADE: its not dave sprite, its just davesprite

JOHN: what ever.

JOHN: i can't believe he's standing me up on my birthday.

JOHN: maybe he doesn't want to hang out with jaspers?

JOHN: jaspers, i hope you're not going to start chasing him around again when he gets here.

JASPERSPRITE: Hisssss!

JOHN: dude, shut up.

JADE: yeah.... john

JADE: i dont think davesprite is coming tonight

JOHN: aw, man. really?

JOHN: i knew we shouldn't have invited both him and jaspers.

JOHN: that's just party planning BASICS.

JADE: no...

JADE: it has nothing to do with jaspers

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: then why?

JADE: he uh...

JADE: kind of broke up with me

JOHN: what!!!

JOHN: when did that happen?

JADE: a couple days ago

JOHN: no. no way.

JOHN: i cannot accept this!

JADE: john its ok you dont have t...

JOHN: you and dave sprite were like the glue holding everything together on this miserable road trip!

JADE: we were?

JOHN: yes, jade.

JOHN: you were our rock.

JADE: your rock??

JADE: what are you talking about?

JOHN: come on, jade.

JOHN: you and dave sprite were like... an INSTITUTION on this stupid golden battleship.

JADE: we were not an institution!

JADE: you are just saying meaningless things now

JOHN: why did he break up with you?!

JADE: um...

JADE: its complicated

JADE: basically hes just going through a lot of stuff right now

JOHN: stuff??

JOHN: what stuff.

JOHN: jade, we are all going through stuff. you don't see me flying off the handle and breaking up with MY girlfriend.

JADE: do uh...

JADE: you have a girlfriend?

JOHN: that is not the point.

JOHN: the point is that dave sprite is a douche.

JADE: i dont think hes a douche, hes just...

JOHN: no, he's an orange feathery douche.

JOHN: why is he such a basket case? he's like regular dave, but like, aloof enigma edition.

JOHN: maybe it's because he's part bird? i think becoming a bird and a sprite did something weird to him.

JADE: i dont think being a bird ever bothered him

JADE: like i said... its all more complicated than that

JOHN: normal dave was so much more level headed.

JOHN: i have to admit, i spend a lot of time wondering what he and rose are up to.

JADE: me too

JOHN: ehh...

JOHN: maybe it's for the best he broke up with you.

JADE: why?

JOHN: well, what kind of future do you think you would have with him?

JOHN: he's a sprite. like really, what even is a sprite? how long do they live? will he still be around if we win the new game we are allegedly trying to get to?

JADE: i dont know

JOHN: there are a lot of things we don't know.

JOHN: and also...

JOHN: how do things even work if you marry a sprite?

JADE: what do you mean

JOHN: i mean...

JOHN: ok, he has a ghost butt, for one thing.

JADE: uh

JADE: so

JOHN: a GHOST BUTT, jade!

JADE: SO WHAT IF HE HAS A GHOST BUTT!!!!!

JOHN: i'm just saying...

JADE: WHATEVER YOURE JUST SAYING, JUST STOP SAYING IT!

JADE: and whatever youre trying to gesture with your hands there, stop doing that too!

JOHN: what? no, i was just...

JADE: nope!!! totally not talking about this

JOHN: but

JADE: put your hands down john

JOHN: ok, fine.

JADE: thats not down, thats up!

JADE: oh well, at least youre not making those unsettling gestures...

JADE: john...

JADE: what are you doing?

JOHN: nothing!

JADE: i hope youre not entertaining some awkward train of thought about, uh...

JOHN: no!!!

JADE: what is with you??

JADE: today is your birthday, youre supposed to be having fun!

JADE: but youve been so testy, as if youre committed to not having a good time

JOHN: well, maybe i'm just getting a little tired of being stuck on this lame boat!

JOHN: don't you think it's gotten kind of old?

JADE: yeah, i can see how you might find it a little slow here

JADE: i dunno, i havent minded much... maybe its different for me though because i used to live all alone?

JOHN: oh sure, i'm sure it's GREAT for you. you get to spend your days smooching and breaking up with dave sprite and what not, and you can shrink down to any old planet you feel like, any time. whereas i have to make this whole big deal of ASKING you to shrink or unshrink me, and...

JADE: but i dont mind doing that any time!!!

JOHN: i know, but you think i want to bug you about that at the drop of a hat? when you're busy and on dates and stuff? i just happen to have respect for something called PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, jade.

JOHN: and it's not like there's really anyone else to talk to, except the inscrutable chess people and a bunch of brainless consorts and an idiot cat princess. oh and also nanna, but i mean, she's my grandmother, and she's great, but a guy can only spend so much quality time with his grandmother before he starts to feel like kind of a loser whose friends are too busy to spend time with him!

JADE: john... if you told me this earlier i would have...

JOHN: and i still never visit any interesting dream bubbles, and we can't even finish our cool planet quests because the moment we broke through the window all our denizens decided to go back to sleep, and...

JOHN: i guess what i'm saying is, i'm MORE than ready to get to the other window and meet our friends and other new people and stuff.

JOHN: are you sure you can't make the ship go faster???

JADE: were already going as fast as i can make us go

JOHN: and how fast is that again?

JADE: about the speed of light!

JOHN: well, can't you use your space powers and bump it up a notch?

JADE: no! nothing can go faster than light john

JADE: unless you teleport of course

JOHN: and why can't you teleport us again?

JADE: i already explained this! i cant do that here, its not within the domain of the green sun which gives me those powers!

JOHN: is that why we can't go faster than light either?

JADE: no thats just a regular law of physics!!! jeez

JOHN: ok, i mean, i know that. but this isn't really a regular place, right?

JOHN: isn't the speed of light like a thousand miles a second? so what does that really mean here? are miles and seconds the same here as on earth? how does this nonsense dimension we're racing through jive with all the relativity mumbo jumbo?

JADE: ok first of all, thats not even close to the speed of light

JADE: light travels at a hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second no matter what frame of reference youre in... even this one!

JADE: second of all special relativity and comparing laws of physics between different frames of reference, those are tricky issues to talk about!

JADE: but id be more than happy to talk about them if youd like. actually i would enjoy that because i never really get to talk about science wi...

JOHN: no, i don't want to talk about physics! i don't know anything about the laws of physics, because they are hard and boring.

JOHN: i simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! is that really asking too much?

JADE: yes as a matter of fact it is!

JOHN: well, guess what? SCIENCE IS STUPID BULLSHIT!!!

JADE: you take that back!!!!!

JOHN: no.

JOHN: magic is awesome.

JOHN: science blows.

JOHN: the end.

JADE: john.....

JADE: what is that?

JOHN: what?

JADE: under your hood...

JADE: looks like a piece of paper stuck to your back?

JOHN: huh?

JOHN: oh god dammit.

JOHN: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!

JOHN: THAT BASTARD!!!

JADE: what?

JOHN: THIS IS TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS.

JADE: what is it??

JOHN: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

JOHN: IT IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!!!

JOHN: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!

JADE: where are you going?

JOHN: I'M GOING TO GO KICK HIS ASS!

JADE: what! john, no...

JOHN: POSING AS MY DEAD FATHER BY MIMICKING ONE OF HIS GREAT FATHERLY NOTES HE USED TO HIDE AROUND THE HOUSE???

JOHN: AND ON THE TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY HE WAS SLAIN BY JACK NOIR, A *FACT* OF WHICH THAT CHEEKY ORANGE ASSHOLE IS PLAINLY AWARE??????

JOHN: THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR DAVE SPRITE!

JADE: ok yes, that practical joke is in poor taste, but you should try to calm down and...

JOHN: NO, SCREW THAT, I AM SUPER PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS!

JOHN: THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS, AND THAT IS WITH AN OLD FASHIONED BEATDOWN.

JOHN: WHERE'S MY HAMMER!!!!!

JADE: um

JADE: which one?

JOHN: ANY OLD HAMMER!

JOHN: WHATEVER. IT COULD BE A HAMMER FROM THE BARGAIN BIN OF A HARDWARE STORE FOR ALL I CARE.

JOHN: JUST GIVE ME ANYTHING THAT'S FIT FOR CLOBBERING A GHOST BOTTOMED DICK FACE WHO'S ALSO A BIRD.

JADE: sigh

JOHN: I'M COMING FOR YOU, DAVE SPRITE!

JOHN: DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU MAGICAL SON OF A BITCH? I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!

JOHN: THAT STUNT WASN'T COOL! *YOU'RE* NOT COOL!

JOHN: LIKE IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH YOU DUMPED JADE FOR NO REASON. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!

JOHN: YOU AND JADE WERE OUR ROCK ON THIS SHIP! YOU HEAR ME?? OUR ROOOOOOOOCK!!!

JADE: :|

JOHN: AND NOW *THIS* BULLSHIT??? WHAT THE HELL, MAN.

JOHN: I DON'T GO AROUND LEAVING FAKE PUZZLES FOR YOU LIKE FROM THE MOVIE SAW, DO I? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME SAY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME EVEN *ONCE*?? WELL, HAVE YOU????

JOHN: NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD STIR UP PAINFUL MEMORIES OF A DEARLY DEPARTED LOVED ONE, AND THEREFORE WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY OF ME!!!!!!!!

JOHN: HEY! I SEE YOU THERE!

JOHN: GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW, WISE GUY!

JOHN: OH NO, DON'T PLAY DUMB. I CAN SEE YOU PLAIN AS DAY. I'M ON TO YOU, BUDDY.

JOHN: STOP VAGUELY WATERMARKING THE SKY WITH YOUR SMUG DOUCHEY FACE THIS INSTANT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!!!

JOHN: YEAH SURE, LAUGH IT UP! THAT MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE WAY LESS OF A TOOL. NICE GOING BRO!

JOHN: EVERYONE ON THIS BOAT IS SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT! WHY DON'T YOU JUST FLY AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE?

JOHN: HOW CAN YOU BE SO MUCH MORE OF A PRICK THAN THE REAL DAVE? YOU ARE THE MOST PISS POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A BEST FRIEND A GUY EVER HAD.

JOHN: I CAN'T *WAIT* TO MEET UP WITH THE REAL DAVE AGAIN. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO THE AWESOME STATUS QUO OF PRETENDING YOU NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

JADE: john...

JADE: theres no one there

JOHN: oh he's THERE alright.

JOHN: he's probably just using some sprite magic so only i can see him.

JOHN: don't you see, jade? he's antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he's done with you, remember?

JOHN: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures.

JADE: what pastures

JOHN: it's me.

JOHN: I'M the pastures.

JOHN: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh.

JADE: what

JADE: wasnt i supposed to be the mule?

JADE: i dont think i understand your analogy

JOHN: no, you see, it's...

JOHN: the mule represented, like...

JOHN: i don't know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something.

JADE: ....

JOHN: augh, WHO CAAARES.

JOHN: who cares about mules, or pastures, or dave sprite's stupid ephemeral sky visage.

JOHN: who cares about anything!!!

JOHN: who cares about my birthday, or nic cage, or this boat full of idiots.

JOHN: JUST.

JOHN: WHO.

JOHN: CARES.

JADE: john i think youre officially throwing a tantrum here

JADE: ...

JADE: john?

JADE: john...

JADE: are you asleep?

JADE: please dont tell me you just fell asleep in your driveway

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hollipolliyozza · 1 year

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yoooo there :) My name is hollie and I just LOVE to create art. Read below to learn more about me, and how you can reach out to me!

I go by the name hOllipOlliyOzza as an artist. I am androgynous, my pronouns are she/her AND they/them.

The type of art I do varies between digital and tradtional art. Sometimes I create dolls made out of pipecleaners!

Get exclusive access to what I’m working on by supporting me on • PATREON •

Buy my merch on • REDBUBBLE •

Follow me on: Instagram Twitter DeviantArt YouTube Channel Facebook Page

MORE LINKS: LinkTree

talk to me on discord: hollipolliyozza#5386 (be nice!)

My art:

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stumbleimg · 1 year

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The many contours of Antelope Canyon, Page, AZ [OC][5386×3591]

#inline reddit: EarthPorn #Photography #Art #EarthPorn #Reddit #Imgur

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effervescent-hoe · 2 years

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theres 5386 pages of twilight fanfic on ffn

#thats so many

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just6f · 10 months

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cugekokerej · 2 years

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therevaliir-blog · 3 years

Photo

“I believe I do. No one else can ever claim to make me feel the way you do. Ever since we first met… It’s been hard to breathe around you. Like something fit just right. I struggled to realize the why until a few days ago… and Felix upset me enough that I’m ashamed it took me so long to tell you. I was afraid once I told you that you would leave me… And I would rather us silently have the illusion of something than to be rejected by you.” She held a sad look on her face before giving him a smile. __________________ We found this post amazing due to the expression of the character's emotions and the symbolism within the words. The usage of being unable to breathe, something fitting right, and the admission of an ashamed feeling all bring power to the character's words and let us the reader understand more about what is going on inside her head. The symbolism with illusion matches up with the theme of the thread and it reflects the character's mindset. Overall this was an excellent quote! _________________ Writer: Brittney

Thread: https://www.worldofrevaliir.net/forum/duchy-egjora/sihajja/5386/?page=5#45166

Photo by: Unknown

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notedchampagne · 5 years

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v,, vriska

ah,,,,,,,, eight commas for dramatics

Do you love/hate/don’t feel strongly about this character?my feelings towards vriska are summed up in “i love you but if i ever meet you one on one im afraid ill have to fight you.” shes an amazing character whos so well developed and i adore that gray morality but also her personality is exactly the type that would make me go feral ya feel meWhat’s your favorite trait of this character? | What’s your favorite moment/even involving this character?page 5386: just this. only this

If you could have one power/attribute/etc. of this character, what would it be?oh i wanna be more lucky i just want that extra push that makes my multiple choice answers happen to be the right ones when i guess them. itd help so muchWhen did you fall in love/hate with this character? I you don’t have any strong feelings toward them, why not?i hated vriska at first but now its just. i hate her but also shes legit. who am i to hate her shes coolish. not that cool but just a little small melting ice cubeWho’s your OTP for this character? vrisrezi yeet

#talking back

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travelgraphics · 5 years

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aiiaiiiyo · 5 years

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news4u1 · 2 years

Text

The Whole Body Reset: Your Weight-Loss Plan for a Flat Belly, Optimum Health & a Body You'll Love at Midlife and Beyond

The Whole Body Reset: Your Weight-Loss Plan for a Flat Belly, Optimum Health & a Body You’ll Love at Midlife and Beyond

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pesterloglog · 5 months

Text

Tavros Nitram, John Egbert, Vriska Serket

Act 6, page 5382-5397

TAVROS: i SAW IT FIRST,

JOHN: huh?

TAVROS: gIVE IT TO ME,

JOHN: what... the ring?

TAVROS: yES, iT'S MINE,

JOHN: who are you?

TAVROS: i'M, yOUR WORST BAD DREAM, iF YOU DON'T RETURN MY TREASURE,

TAVROS: i FOUND IT, sNUGGLED IN THE SAND, bEING PRETTY AND GOLD AND BY ITSELF, aND i WANT IT BACK,

JOHN: so you found it here, like exactly where i just found it... but then instead of picking it up, you fell asleep?

TAVROS: wHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, i SOUND STUPID,

TAVROS: bUT, yES,

JOHN: sorry buddy. as the age old saying goes, you snooze, you lose.

TAVROS: i NEVER HEARD THAT AGE OLD SAYING, iN MY CULTURE, sO, fUCK YOUR LINGUAL HERITAGE, aND GIVE ME THE RING,

JOHN: why were you even asleep?

TAVROS: i WAS TIRED,

TAVROS: dUH,

JOHN: this is such a dumb place to fall asleep, dude.

TAVROS: tREASURE HUNTING IS HARD,

TAVROS: sHE HAS ME WORKING LIKE A BARKFIEND,

JOHN: who?

TAVROS: mY MATESPRIT,

TAVROS: tHAT MEANS GIRLFRIEND, yOU IGNORAMUS,

JOHN: i know what it means!

JOHN: no offense, but you seem like kind of a lame troll. i don't think we ever talked before, did we?

TAVROS: wHO CARES, gIVE ME MY TREASURE,

JOHN: no way! it's mine bro.

TAVROS: sHIT!

TAVROS: oKAY,

TAVROS: mAYBE WE CAN WORK OUT SOME KIND OF DEAL,

JOHN: i dunno. this ring is pretty sweet. the price would have to be pretty steep.

TAVROS: wOW,

TAVROS: yOU ARE REALLY PUTTING ME, iN AN UNCOMFORTABLE AND CHALLENGING SITUATION,

JOHN: why do you want this desert ring so bad. is it magic?

JOHN: i don't really feel magic wearing it...

JOHN: i mean, not any more than usual.

TAVROS: i DON'T KNOW, iF IT'S MAGIC,

TAVROS: tHAT'S NOT WHY i WANT IT,

JOHN: well, i'm not giving it to you unless you have a really good reason.

TAVROS: iT'S FOR PRIVATE SENTIMENTAL PURPOSES,

TAVROS: i DON'T WANT TO SAY,

JOHN: that's cool. guess i will just enjoy this ring forever, as my property.

TAVROS: oKAAAAAY,

TAVROS: i'LL TELL YOU,

TAVROS: yOU'RE AN AWFUL HUMAN, bY THE WAY,

JOHN: yeah right, dude. would an awful guy be wearing such a sweet, priceless ring? i don't think so!

TAVROS: oH MY GOD, tHAT'S SUCH BAD LOGIC, tHAT YOU'RE KNOWINGLY USING TO BE A WORSE ENEMY,

JOHN: yeah...

JOHN: you sure did explain that, i guess.

TAVROS: i WANT THE RING BECAUSE,

TAVROS: tHIS REQUIRES SOME LABORIOUS EXPLANATION,

TAVROS: iT PERTAINS TO HUMAN CUSTOMS, WHICH i HAVE TAKEN TIME TO STUDY AS AN ETERNAL GHOST,

TAVROS: tHE TREASURE IS NEEDED, TO COMPLETE A SORT OF RITUALIZED PACT,

TAVROS: hAVING TO DO WITH HUMAN MATING,

TAVROS: tO CEMENT IN STONE THE ROMANTIC MATRIMONIES,

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: you want to use it to propose to your girlfriend?

TAVROS: yEAH,

TAVROS: wHATEVER,

JOHN: heh... that is not really what i was expecting to hear.

JOHN: i thought you were just being a greedy treasure grubbing douche.

TAVROS: yOU MEAN,

TAVROS: lIKE YOU???

JOHN: yes.

JOHN: but that's a pretty good reason.

JOHN: i guess i can let you have it, if it is going to result in a happy marriage.

TAVROS: oKAY, tHEN HURRY, aND GIVE IT TO ME,

JOHN: who is the lucky lady, anyway?

TAVROS: oH NO, hURRY uP, tHERE'S NO TIME,

TAVROS: sHE'S COMING!

JOHN: who??

TAVROS: gIVE IT TO ME,

TAVROS: sHE CAN'T SEE IT YET, iT HAS TO BE A SURPRISE!

TAVROS: aLSO, i DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW i GOT IT, fROM A LOSER LIKE YOU,

JOHN: hey!

TAVROS: oH MY GOD,

VRISKA: TAAAAAAAAVR........ Oh!

VRISKA: Hi John.

VRISKA: Tavros, I didn't know you were hanging out with John. You should have come told me.

TAVROS: bUT, i JUST WOKE UP FROM THE SAND PILE, aND FOUND HIM HERE,

TAVROS: i HAD LITERALLY NO TIME TO GO TELL YOU, bECAUSE OF AN ARGUMENT,

VRISKA: What? What were you arguing a8out?

TAVROS: uHHH,

VRISKA: W8........ what do you mean woke up? Why were you asleep?

TAVROS: uHHH,

VRISKA: Dammit, Tavros. You can't 8e slacking off like that.

VRISKA: I told you, we aren't fucking around anymore. This is serious 8usiness.

JOHN: hey...

JOHN: excuse me, but

JOHN: are you...

JOHN: vriska?

VRISKA: Yeah!

VRISKA: Oh, sorry. I really should have introduced myself. I guess I forgot I technically never met this version of you.

JOHN: uh. that's alright. nice to meet you.

JOHN: wait...

JOHN: are you a ghost too?

VRISKA: Yep.

JOHN: so... you're dead?

VRISKA: Yes, John. That's what 8eing a ghost means.

JOHN: ok, i'm still confused though...

JOHN: sorry if i sound dumb, but dream bubbles are still kind of baffling to me.

JOHN: you're, uh... "REALLY" dead?

JOHN: as in, the real you? i mean... dang, what the hell am i even trying to ask here...

VRISKA: No, I get what you're asking.

VRISKA: Yes, the real me. The actual, legit, fully authentic alpha timeline Vriska. Dead. Gone. Fuckin' toast.

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: so when i meet up with everyone on your troll meteor in a year, that means...

JOHN: you'll be...

VRISKA: A corpse!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: That's assuming my 8ody was sufficiently preserved during the trip.

VRISKA: Which, now that I think a8out it, I guess it was? It must have 8een, 8ecause otherwise that unspeaka8le prototyping atrocity couldn't have happened.

VRISKA: That piece of shit clown. I still have no idea what the deal with that was! He's completely lost his mind. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

VRISKA: Honestly, I'm surprised you hadn't already heard I was dead, one way or another. It's kind of old news?

VRISKA: Then again, these things are all relative. So who knows.

JOHN: ...

VRISKA: Are you ok? You seem sad.

JOHN: well,

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: it's always sad to hear a friend died. even if you find out about it from their ghost.

VRISKA: I guess so.

JOHN: also, i had kind of thought that when we all arrived at the new session, that...

JOHN: we were going to like... hang out. or something.

VRISKA: Oh yeah! That's right. We were.

VRISKA: 8ut then I got sta88ed through the 8ack. Which to 8e fair, was for the good of the party, so the meteor could make the trip in the first place, and keep this whole crazy sequence of events intact.

VRISKA: Not gonna lie. I made some mistakes.

JOHN: wow. what even happened out there?

VRISKA: Just some pointless, deadly teen drama. Mostly 8rought on 8y ourselves, all acting like juvenile idiots. Like I said, old news.

VRISKA: VERY old for me. I've 8een here a pretty long time now.

VRISKA: A lot has happened since I died. John, did you know the little rendezvous we planned sort of already happened? I mean, in a way.

JOHN: what? it did?

VRISKA: Yes. With your ghost.

JOHN: huh??

VRISKA: I mean, the ghost of one of your altern8te selves, who died along the way doing some stupid thing.

VRISKA: Actually, he and I d8ted for a little while.

TAVROS: wHOA, hOLD ON,

TAVROS: wHAT'S THIS, aBOUT DATING WHO?

VRISKA: Groan. Here we go.

TAVROS: wHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, aBOUT THAT,

VRISKA: Tavros, I have led a rich and complic8ted life and death. I can hardly 8e expected to tell you a8out every little thing that I've 8een through.

VRISKA: 8esides, you should have already known this a8out me.

TAVROS: wHY,

VRISKA: 8ecause we shared a sprite 8ody once!!!!!!!! We 8riefly had access to all each others memories and feelings.

VRISKA: So if you didn't take the chance to dig that out of my memory, you only have yourself to 8lame.

TAVROS: nO, bUT, tHAT HARDLY LASTED ANY TIME AT ALL,

TAVROS: aND THERE WERE A LOT, oF OVERWHELMING EXPERIENCES ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE,

TAVROS: hOW COULD i TRY TO REMEMBER ALL YOUR MEMORIES BEFORE WE EXPLODED,

VRISKA: Well, all I can say is, I managed! I took the opportunity to remem8er pretty much all YOUR memories.

VRISKA: I was in and out like a 8andit, and now all your life experiences are mine.

TAVROS: tHAT'S NOT FAIR,

TAVROS: bECAUSE, yOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME, aND MORE CUNNING,

VRISKA: Them's the 8r8ks!!!!!!!!

JOHN: wait, i'm with tavros here, i think we should back this up a bit.

JOHN: so, my alternate reality ghost dated you?

VRISKA: Yes.

JOHN: that...

JOHN: but...

VRISKA: What?

JOHN: vriska, this is a very bizarre and unsettling fact to me!

VRISKA: Why?

JOHN: because...

JOHN: man, i don't know, it just is!

JOHN: you say we dated for a while, but like, i don't even get to remember doing that?

JOHN: i think that's mostly what's weird about it.

VRISKA: Hey, we apparently don't get to remem8er the results of a lot of choices we didn't actually make!

VRISKA: Again, see: the 8r8ks.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: can you at least tell me what happened there? like, how did that go?

VRISKA: It was fine. For a while.

VRISKA: It didn't really work out.

JOHN: oh.

VRISKA: We crossed paths every now and then after that.

VRISKA: Things stayed pretty friendly 8etween us.

VRISKA: Until he died.

JOHN: what??

JOHN: what do you mean he died?

VRISKA: He was murdered.

JOHN: you mean... his GHOST died?

VRISKA: Yes.

JOHN: as in, he just doesn't exist at all anymore? like DEAD dead?

VRISKA: Yes! Dead dead. For good.

JOHN: i don't... how does that even...

JOHN: who killed him???

JOHN: was it jack?

VRISKA: Jack? Are you kidding? No, John.

VRISKA: Jack is 8arely in the picture as a threat anymore. He's just more old news.

JOHN: he is not old news though!

JOHN: he's still as strong and menacing as ever.

JOHN: i just had an awesome battle with him in this very dream bubble!

VRISKA: You did?

JOHN: yeah. i found him skulking around a memory of my dead dad, and i got pissed off, so i really let him have it.

JOHN: oh, i even used the cool hammer you helped me make. remember that?

VRISKA: Oh yeah!

VRISKA: Those were good times, when I helped you 8e gr8. ::::)

JOHN: yes.

JOHN: the last time i faced him was kind of embarrassing. i let him get the drop on me, and he just stabbed me right away.

JOHN: but this time i think i held my own pretty well. i even got in one good hit against him!

JOHN: i gave him a solid bop on the head, and the dice roll made him wear a silly hat.

VRISKA: That's awesome!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: One time in an altern8te reality, I came pretty close to killing him apparently.

JOHN: oh really?

VRISKA: You 8et. Too 8ad that was in a timeline that didn't really count. 8ut it's always reassuring to know you can put up a good fight against a strong adversary if you ever needed to. Now I guess you know you can too.

JOHN: i guess so!

VRISKA: What happened after you 8onked him on the head? I 8et he was mad.

JOHN: yeah, he sure was. but our fight was interrupted by like... another taller, white jack dressed in rags.

VRISKA: A white Jack?

JOHN: well, no, it wasn't actually a jack, it was someone different altogether, who just looked like him. with wings and a sword and everything.

JOHN: i think the white jack was probably a girl? i'm not sure, but that was my hunch. i didn't talk to her or anything. she looked really angry.

JOHN: anyway, he seemed scared of her, so he flew away, and she chased him.

JOHN: do you know who she was?

VRISKA: No fucking clue.

JOHN: whatever jack's doing out here in dream bubble land, he seems to have his hands full with her on his tail.

JOHN: but as you can see, he is FAR from out of the picture.

VRISKA: Ok, that may 8e, 8ut it sure wasn't Jack who killed a whole shitload of ghosts out here, including one of yours.

VRISKA: I really dou8t Jack can even kill ghosts. In fact, I don't think anyone can except for this guy.

JOHN: what guy?

VRISKA: Lord English.

JOHN: who??

VRISKA: Wow, John. Really?

VRISKA: Wow.

VRISKA: Time to get a clue!

VRISKA: Hasn't it ever occurred to you to wonder who the ultim8 8ad guy of this adventure was going to 8e?

JOHN: ultimate bad guy?

JOHN: you mean like the last boss?

VRISKA: Man, even that way of putting it is a little too pedestrian.

VRISKA: I mean, I already 8eat a last 8oss! The 8lack king was the officially sanctioned last 8oss of our session, and I killed him. This is different.

VRISKA: There's always someone stronger w8ing to 8e revealed. Jack showed up shortly after that, and he was MUCH stronger.

VRISKA: Eventually the curtains get pulled 8ack, and you find out who was 8ehind every terri8le thing that happened all along. Someone who is invaria8ly stronger than all other adversaries 8y a wide margin. The supreme villain!

VRISKA: To 8e honest, I was always kind of w8ing for that guy to show up, whoever he was. For the other shoe to drop, you know? There's always a 8ig 8ad 8ehind everything. A true gamer sees stuff like this coming a mile away.

JOHN: ok. if you say so.

JOHN: i always kind of thought jack was evil and strong enough to be our main antagonist. but if you say there is someone even stronger and more evil, then... wow.

VRISKA: Yes, I'll admit, I was fooled 8y Jack 8riefly.

VRISKA: For a little while, I thought he was the supreme menace, and I would have to face him in a final showdown.

VRISKA: 8ut it turned out that was just a 8it of standard misdirection. He was just another step up in a typical pattern of escal8tion involving increasingly "insurmounta8le" threats, which legendary heroes like us have to overcome to achieve total victory over everything.

VRISKA: Also, let's face it. I don't think Jack is all that evil, so much as he's just a murderous asshole. Trust me, I know the type.

VRISKA: 8ut English, that guy is as evil as they come. He's the real deal!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: oKAY, cAN i JUST SAY SOMETHING,

TAVROS: i STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO SURE, hE'S THE FINAL VILLAIN,

TAVROS: bECAUSE, yOU YOURSELF SAID, tHERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE STRONGER, rIGHT,

TAVROS: sO, i'M PERCEIVING A CONTRADICTION ABOUT YOUR FACTS,

VRISKA: Tavros, come on. We've already talked a8out this ad nauseum.

VRISKA: He's the 8ig 8ad!!!!!!!! It's so o8vious. I mean, MAY8E there's someone stronger out there in paradox space? Who knows.

VRISKA: 8ut whoever that is has nothing to fucking do with this massive extended multiverse-spanning campaign!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: English was the guy who stacked the whole deck against us from the start, rigging shit to go haywire, wiping out our race, 8lowing up universes, exterimin8ting ghosts, slaughtering dark gods, and shattering reality itself. Pretty sure we reached the top floor, 8uddy!

TAVROS: oKAY, bUT ALL i'M SAYING IS, wHAT IF,

TAVROS: tHERE'S SOMEONE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT, dUE TO SPECULATION,

VRISKA: Un8elieva8le.

VRISKA: John, just ignore him. He tends to 8e contrary just for the sake of 8eing contrary. It's just what he does these days.

VRISKA: He seems to think it's how you show confidence and assertiveness. The key to high self esteem is apparently just saying "nuh uh!" all the time.

TAVROS: nO, tHAT'S NOT TRUE,

VRISKA: See?

VRISKA: This was apparently the 8ig lesson he learned from sharing a 8rain with me for a few minutes. In order to feel good a8out yourself, just 8e a constant pain in the ass!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: nO, tHAT'S NOT WHAT i LEARNED,

JOHN: haha.

JOHN: i see what you mean.

TAVROS: nO,

TAVROS: nO, oKAY, i REALIZE ALL i'M SAYING IS NO, WHICH IS JUST HELPING MAKE YOU LOOK AS RIGHT AS POSSIBLE ABOUT MAKING FUN OF ME,

TAVROS: bUT i LEARNED IN YOUR BRAIN THAT YOU AREN'T ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING,

TAVROS: yOU WERE WRONG ABOUT LOTS OF THINGS,

TAVROS: yOU WERE WRONG ABOUT RUFIO!

TAVROS: rUFIO WAS REAL ALL ALONG, }:D

VRISKA: Alright, granted, there did in fact exist a person 8y that name.

VRISKA: You aren't spelling it right, though.

TAVROS: hOW DO YOU KNOW HOW i'M SPELLING IT, wHEN i'M JUST TALKING, iNSTEAD OF USING LETTERS,

VRISKA: 8ecause that's how you spelled it when we used to chat online, dum8ass!!!!!!!! You weren't using enough letters.

TAVROS: sO,

VRISKA: And in any case, he doesn't actually represent your self esteem. He's just some dude.

TAVROS: bUT, hE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF wHEN i THINK OF HIM, sO THE REALITY IS EFFECTIVELY EQUIVALENT TO MY FRAUDULENT CHILDHOOD SUPERSTITION,

VRISKA: Lol. Whatever floats your 8oat.

JOHN: you both seem a bit testy with each other. it's kind of funny.

JOHN: actually it's a little hard to believe you and he are...

VRISKA: What?

JOHN: er...

JOHN: never mind, actually.

VRISKA: ???????!

JOHN: i take it you were pretty good friends back on your planet?

VRISKA: You could say that.

VRISKA: There's a pretty loaded history 8etween us. It's pro8a8ly 8est not to get into it.

VRISKA: None of that matters anymore anyway, it was so long ago. You know how it is.

JOHN: um. sure?

VRISKA: Issues 8etween people seem like such a 8ig deal when they're happening. 8ut then you die, and time just goes on, and on........ then on some more.

VRISKA: If enough time passes, shit that used to 8e a 8ig deal kind of stops mattering.

VRISKA: Ok, full disclosure. I used to do a lot of terri8le things to Tavros.

VRISKA: Once I launched him off a cliff and paralyzed him. And if that wasn't 8ad enough, I spent sweeps mocking him for the disa8ility I caused! Haha.

VRISKA: Oh yeah. Then I killed him.

JOHN: oh, right. i remember you said you killed someone that you cared about. i guess this is him?

VRISKA: Mm hm.

VRISKA: 8ut like I said, that's suuuuuuuuch old news now, it might as well not have even happened.

VRISKA: Tavros doesn't give a shit a8out that stuff anymore.

TAVROS: hEY, wAIT, mAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T, SPEAK FOR ME?

TAVROS: i STILL KIND OF THINK THAT STUFF WAS ALL PRETTY MEAN, eVEN THOUGH IT WAS FOREVER AGO,

TAVROS: iT'S JUST, i HAVE CHOSEN TO BE THE BIGGER MAN, aND NOT HOLD IT AGAINST LIKING YOU,

VRISKA: Hahahaha! John, can you 8elieve this guy?

VRISKA: This is the kind of shit I have to deal with all the time.

TAVROS: oH GOD,

TAVROS: nO, tIME OUT, i'M FLAGGING THIS, vRISKA, aS TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR,

VRISKA: Tavros, the 8igger man is only ACTUALLY the 8igger man if he doesn't refer to himself as the 8igger man. That's kind of the point?

VRISKA: Unless the intent is to produce some form of socially awkward comic relief, which let's face it, is what you're all a8out.

VRISKA: 8ut that's what I like a8out you.

TAVROS: yES, }:)

JOHN: hmm, i feel like... maybe we got sidetracked there?

JOHN: maybe you should tell me more about this english guy.

JOHN: frankly, it seems like i'm usually one of the last people to learn about stuff like this, and it's starting to make me feel like a bit of a tool.

VRISKA: He's just some huge overpowered green freak. A time traveling monster, supposedly invinci8le.

VRISKA: Who he is, what he is, where he came from, none of that really matters.

VRISKA: What matters is how we're going to defeat him.

VRISKA: That's what Tavros and I have 8een working on here for some time now.

JOHN: working on what?

VRISKA: Treasure hunting!

JOHN: oh yeah?

JOHN: what treasure?

VRISKA: Yes. Ok, I should explain.

VRISKA: There's sort of a plan in motion to 8eat English. It's a three pronged approach.

VRISKA: A num8er of people out here in the furthest ring are working on different prongs of the strategy independently.

VRISKA: The first is a quest to find the lost ghost of some alien girl. She's said to 8e one of the keys to defeating him in some way.

VRISKA: Other people are allegedly out there working on that right now. If you ask me, it sounds like a really 8oring approach to defeating him. Who knows if it's even true.

TAVROS: (gIVe it tO me,)

JOHN: (stop that!)

JOHN: (keep your hands to yourself.)

VRISKA: The second is a quest to raise an army of ghosts to challenge him directly in some kind of huge 8attle royale, I guess.

VRISKA: From what I understand, some yahoo out there is 8usy rounding people up. I really have no idea how that's going. I usually just hear stuff through the grapevine.

VRISKA: That approach doesn't really interest me either. Gonna file it under "8oring" as well. Seems a little heavy handed, not to mention too slow.

TAVROS: (gIve Me thE riNG,)

JOHN: (no!)

TAVROS: (yes, yOu ASs,)

JOHN: (dude, you suck at whispering!)

TAVROS: (you sAiD you'D GIve it to me,)

JOHN: (i changed my mind!)

VRISKA: The third prong is what Tavros and I are 8usy with. The aforementioned treasure hunt.

VRISKA: The legend says there's some mystical ancient treasure hidden somewhere out here in the furthest ring.

VRISKA: I'm assuming it's some kind of weapon. It's said that if you use it, or like, activ8te it in some way, he can 8e defeated forever.

VRISKA: The nature of the treasure is pretty vague, actually. 8ut the first rule of treasure hunting, which I'm admittedly just making up now, is that it doesn't fucking matter what the treasure is.

TAVROS: (wE had a deAl,)

JOHN: (quit it!)

TAVROS: (why Are you sUcH a liar,)

JOHN: (shut up. i'm keeping it.)

TAVROS: (thiS is noT cOOl,)

TAVROS: (you're PrevenTing joYful human sTYled matrimonY frOM happEning,)

JOHN: (yeah right. like she would even say yes.)

JOHN: (i don't even think she's really your girlfriend. i think you made that up!)

TAVROS: (wow, no, wOw,)

TAVROS: (you wEnt thERE,)

VRISKA: These three goals are all tied to the same legend which I've uncovered clues a8out over time. Legendary shit is everywhere out here. I'm seriously up to my ass in legend. Hell, I probably even qualify as a legend myself!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: When it comes to solving a 8ig mystery like this, it doesn't hurt that everywhere we go, places are composed of the collective memories of many different adventurers.

VRISKA: We've explored ancient crypts, networks of 8urial mounds, dusty old tom8s, giant pyramids, you name it. Hints a8out the endgame are hidden all over the place.

VRISKA: Really, everyone's pretty lucky I died so I could do all the dirty work on this. Let's get real, no8ody's 8etter prepared to take on the treasure hunting duties than I am.

TAVROS: (unhAnd the treasurE,)

TAVROS: (it's prEcious to Me, jUst liKe, My beautiful GIRLFRIEND,)

JOHN: (you are so full of shit!)

TAVROS: (we're in LOVE toGetHEr, aSSHole,)

JOHN: (there's no way you're getting this ring.)

TAVROS: (fUCk, YoU,)

VRISKA: Not that I'd have it any other way. This just sounds like the 8est plan to me. Why 8other messing around with an army of ghostly dipshits, or some shy magic alien when you can go str8 for the ultim8 weapon?

VRISKA: Hell, may8e I'll just walk right up to him, one-shot the guy and end it all right there.

VRISKA: That's how a real pro goes a8out 8usiness. You take any shortcut you find.

JOHN: (i am going to wish as super hard as i can that i wake up with this ring.)

JOHN: (it's probably magic, so i bet it makes my wish come true!)

TAVROS: (i doubT that From happeNing,)

JOHN: (if i wish hard enough, that will make it slightly less impossible!)

TAVROS: (oh, you bastARD, you arE gOOd,)

JOHN: (i think some day i will use it to propose to *MY* girlfriend. what do you think about THAT, wise guy?)

TAVROS: (noOO!!!)

TAVROS: (gIMme,)

JOHN: (this is pathetic.)

JOHN: (stop grabbing at me! we're missing what she's saying!)

JOHN: (she's going to think we're idiots, won't you STOP?)

VRISKA: Are you fuckers even listening to me???????? God DAMN it.

JOHN: yes!

VRISKA: No you're not. You're squa88ling with Tavros and his loud shitty whispering a8out some 8ullshit.

VRISKA: Come on, guys. Am I really 8eing that 8oring?

VRISKA: I'm really starting to understand how my ancestor must have felt sometimes. No8ody ever respects an important explan8tion!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: (i've alReadY heARd yoUR explANAtions, tHough,)

VRISKA: Why are you still whispering jackass?!

TAVROS: oHH,

TAVROS: sORRY,

VRISKA: Sigh.

VRISKA: 8oth of you just keep your damn hands to yourselves, shut up, and let me finish my story.

VRISKA: Tavros! 8ring me the treasure maps!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: yES,

TAVROS: rIGHT AWAY,

VRISKA: Yes, that's it. Dump them all over the floor a8out ten feet away from me, just like that.

VRISKA: The sloppier the pile and the further away from me the 8etter. Gr8 jo8, Tavros.

TAVROS: tHANK YOU,

VRISKA: John, come take a look at this.

JOHN: those are all treasure maps?

VRISKA: Sort of! Pro8a8ly not like any maps you've seen.

VRISKA: Check it out. This ought to help you understand how frustr8ting this treasure hunt really is.

VRISKA: John, tell me what you see here.

JOHN: um...

JOHN: where?

VRISKA: Right here.

VRISKA: What is this? This thing I'm holding?

JOHN: a black piece of paper?

VRISKA: No, John.

VRISKA: This is 8ULLSHIT is what it is.

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: yes, clearly.

VRISKA: This is what a map looks like in the furthest ring.

VRISKA: This is what ALL maps look like out here.

VRISKA: Turns out plotting the relative geographical features of an infinite 8lack expanse of pure void is every 8it as moronic as it sounds. 8ut that didn't stop some ancient eldritch chucklefuck from doing exactly that.

VRISKA: For the longest time, this is all we've had to go on when it came to deciphering the clues and figuring out the coordin8tes of the legendary treasure.

VRISKA: Do you have any idea how hard it is to pin down the physical location of something out here? Never mind the fact that physical location in the furthest ring is already a mallea8le concept. Just imagine what it's like giving someone directions! What do you tell them?

VRISKA: Proceed in a str8 line shaped like a perpetually shifting torus knot until you feel a sense of despair transcending all mortal comprehension, then hang a right at the next octopus?

VRISKA: There's nothing static out there. No landmarks, no points of reference. Nothing!

VRISKA: If you want to make any headway in this gr8 8ig field of fuckall, SOMEONE has got to start wrecking some shit.

JOHN: would that someone be you?

VRISKA: Haha. I wish I had that kind of firepower. 8ut no.

VRISKA: You wouldn't 8elieve my luck.

VRISKA: You see, recently someone's 8een doing that dirty work for us.

VRISKA: Want to know what the kicker is?

VRISKA: The guy who's 8een fucking shit up is the 8ig 8ad himself!

VRISKA: Every time he destroys another dream 8u88le, he does a little more damage to the furthest ring, inexplica8ly shattering the essence of all-encompassing nothingness.

VRISKA: As the cracks spread across the void, new points of reference show up on our maps!

VRISKA: Then we look at the angles and intersections and all the shapes formed 8y the cracks, and compare them to our notes from the various riddles and clues we've discovered a8out the path to the treasure.

VRISKA: It's actually a little like how in old times on Alternia, pir8s used to navig8 8y shapes the stars made. Constell8tions used to have a lot of significance in our culture, not just guiding explorers on their journeys to physical destin8tions, 8ut guiding them on the choices they made in life, pertaining to f8 and all that. Not that humans would really understand anything like that.

VRISKA: I actually find the situ8tion to 8e pretty funny. This guy's ego must 8e astronomical. Classic case of unchecked hu8ris paving the way for his own downfall.

VRISKA: I didn't even need to 8uild a we8 to trap him. He just went ahead and started 8uilding his own.

VRISKA: Talk a8out a lucky 8r8k!!!!!!!!

JOHN: that is pretty neat.

JOHN: so does that mean you know where the treasure is now?

VRISKA: No, 8ecause the map isn't complete yet!

VRISKA: Needs more cracks so we can plot the rest of the course. All we're a8le to do now is head in the right general direction.

VRISKA: So ironically in order to prevent reality from 8eing destroyed, we need to w8 for it to 8e damaged further. In fact, we're 8etter off encouraging it!

JOHN: encouraging it?

JOHN: what, you mean like, making him mad so he breaks more... uh...

JOHN: nothingness?

VRISKA: Yes, 8ut it has to 8e strategic. We have to somehow lead him in the direction of the places we want him to damage.

VRISKA: Specifically, the places where the route dead-ends. Wherever we need new points of reference to keep going.

JOHN: so that means you have to piss him off i guess.

VRISKA: Not really. He's already pissed off. I think he's just permanently that way?

VRISKA: It's more a8out getting his attention. Using the right 88! Like going fishing.

VRISKA: 8ut to do that, you gotta know what he really wants. Like what motiv8tes him. I mean, 8esides indiscrimin8tely killing dead children and huge tentacle monsters.

JOHN: i am guessing you have an idea what that might be?

VRISKA: Sure. The rumor is he's trying to find that dead alien girl I mentioned, and kill her ghost for good.

VRISKA: If he catches on to the fact that some of us are looking for her too, and thinks we're hot on her trail, he'll pro8a8ly start following us around and wreaking havoc wherever we go.

VRISKA: We just have to make sure we're in the right place when he tries to kill us. Oh, also try not to actually die again while we're at it. Haha.

JOHN: so the bait is really you.

VRISKA: Sort of! It's actually more the 8ogus idea that we'll lead him to the cheru8, 8ecause we're looking for her too. Which we're o8viously not.

VRISKA: There's some manipul8tion involved.

JOHN: ok. how do you know he'll go for it? i mean, how will he actually know you're "looking" for her?

VRISKA: That's a pretty good question. Have to admit, I don't have everything quite figured out yet.

TAVROS: yEEAAAAAAAAAAH,

VRISKA: Shhhhhhh! I'm still talking!

TAVROS: bUT, tHAT'S NEVER NOT BEING THE CASE, aLWAYS,

VRISKA: Nice sentence, genius! Anyway, like I was saying........

VRISKA: I'm hoping my exploits can spread throughout the ring 8y word of mouth. Tales of my legend, you know?

VRISKA: Then once he catches on, he'll come looking for us, and then presuma8ly go apeshit with his rain8ow laser 8reath. Metaphysical cataclysm ensues.

JOHN: that sounds... optimistic?

TAVROS: yEAH, eXACTLY,

TAVROS: sEE, tHIS TO ME, mAYBE SPEAKS TO THE DANGER,

TAVROS: oF HAVING SELF ESTEEM THAT IS UNREASONABLY HIGH,

JOHN: heh.

VRISKA: Oh, shut up.

VRISKA: I said it's a work in progress!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: We might need to make a 8igger spectacle of ourselves somehow. Get more people involved. I don't know.

VRISKA: It does seems like he's more drawn toward gr8ter concentr8tions of ghosts.

VRISKA: There's still plenty of time to figure it out. That's one thing a8out 8eing dead. There's always more time.

VRISKA: Plus, needless to say, lady luck will ALWAYS 8e on our side! ::::)

JOHN: well...

JOHN: cool!

JOHN: that was actually a very interesting story, vriska.

JOHN: you're a pretty good story teller!

VRISKA: You think so?

TAVROS: oH, yES, i THINK SO TOO,

TAVROS: sHE'S GOTTEN MUCH BETTER AT STORIES, aS A RECREATIONAL LONG TERM DEATH HOBBY,

JOHN: oh yeah?

TAVROS: sURE, wE'VE BOTH LOOKED AT LESSONS FROM OUR ANCESTORS, tO IMPROVE OUR SOULS,

TAVROS: hER ANCESTRAL AWAKENING HAS TO DO WITH UNDERSTANDING HER DESTINY, tO TELL LONG STORIES TO PEOPLE, aND MAKE THEM LISTEN TO ALL THE WORDS IRREGARDLESS OF THEIR INTEREST, bY ANY MEANS NECESSARY,

TAVROS: tHE ART OF SAYING OPTIMAL TALES BY MY UNDERSTANDING, iS TO CHARGE THROUGH ALL CONCEIVABLE DETAILS AND EXCESSIVE MINUTIA, uNTIL THEY ARE EXHAUSTED COMPLETELY, mUCH LIKE IT IS A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE, aND EXTRANEOUS INFORMATION IS TREATED LIKE THE RELIGIOUS WORDS YOU SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL BRAIN PEACE HAPPENS,

JOHN: that's... one way of looking at it.

JOHN: i don't know about excessive minutia or brain peace, but i was hanging on every word!

VRISKA: Aw, you guys. You're making me 8lush.

JOHN: i wish i could hang out with you longer and maybe even help you with your treasure hunt.

JOHN: but i just know i'm gonna be waking up soon.

JOHN: darn. who even knows how long it will be before we meet again in another bubble?

TAVROS: yEAH, wELL,

TAVROS: tHEM'S THE BREAKS, aHA, aHA,

TAVROS: (soOn, iT wilL be MIne,)

VRISKA: Don't mind him, John. He's just 8eing weird and tooly again.

VRISKA: It was nice to see you and catch up like this. If we don't meet in another dream soon, don't worry.

VRISKA: I have a feeling we'll 8e crossing paths again 8efore this is all over!

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