The wind beneath his wings
MASTERLIST
Summary: In the aftermath of Polly’s death, Tommy is struggling. Thankfully, you’re here to help.
A/N: this is in honor of @zablife 100 followers celebration (congrats again, darling!!)! I know, I am a day late but I have been struggling with writing for a little bit and I just managed to finish this up so i hope it’s okay! also a big thank you to my lovely @peakyswift who, again, listened to me rant about this idea (ily mae <3) and @sunrisepoets for complaining with me about descriptions and fic titles. I honestly hope you like this, please let me know and enjoy!! <3
Warnings: SEASON 6 SPOILERS (read at your own risk), mentions of death and some angst but overall fluff!!
Word count: 1,608 words
You knocked softly on the door, waiting for a second before entering Tommy’s office. The sun was timidly filtering through the sheer curtains as the sparrows’ cheerful chirping welcomed the day to come. But you couldn’t find any peace in that stillness peculiar to the early hours of the morning.
A pungent smell– a strong mix of cold tobacco and whiskey burned your nose as soon as you closed the door behind you. You tried not to focus on it too much, redirecting your attention to your husband. He didn’t seem to acknowledge your presence, scribbling on some documents.
“Hey,” you finally announced, hoping it would be enough to tear him away from his work.
But you were only met with the incessant sound of pen scratching paper.
Tommy still wore the same clothes as the day before– the ones you managed to get him into after throwing the muddy suit away. Passing by his desk, you noticed the worrying amount of cigarettes in the ashtray and the even more concerning lack of whiskey in what used to be a full bottle.
Gently, you squeezed his shoulder, leaning closer to his ear.
“You need to sleep, darling.”
His pen hovered over the paper for a moment and, foolishly, you believed he might actually listen to you.
“I need to finish this,” he countered, pushing your hand away and reaching for the whiskey bottle.
As he realized it was empty, he let out a deflated sigh. Tommy threw his glasses on top of the pile of documents, rubbing his tired eyes. His head was pounding so violently that he was convinced it would explode. But regardless of the physical pain he was experiencing, he knew whatever would come if he dared to rest would be worse.
Still doing his best to ignore you, he walked over to the drink cabinet.
But there was no whiskey there either.
Tommy slammed the doors furiously as you stood close to the desk, observing him. All the built-up emotion he was desperately trying to smother was slowly surfacing, threatening to swallow him whole.
A frustrated swear left his lips as he realized the fuel holding him together was now missing. He got up, ready to turn upside down the entire mansion as long as he could find if only a drop of the precious golden liquid.
“Tommy,” you called out softly but it only seemed to nourish the growing frustration.
“No,” he stated firmly but it felt more like a warning. He turned to you, repeating his injunction. “Don’t. Not now.”
You opened your mouth, ready to try and convince him but he continued:
“Because I can see clearly. I know what I have to do. Now, I know, yes.”
Your heart sank in your chest as he rambled, madly mumbling. He was pacing around the room, nervously pulling on his hair. You bit the inside of your cheek as you kept watching him, a sick feeling bubbling in your stomach. But you couldn’t just stand there, let him fall into his own insanity while doing nothing.
You called his name again but he was still uttering words that made no sense to you.
“Tom,” you repeated, walking closer to him. Nothing.
Sighing, you reached for his hand, firmly gripping it into your own.
“Hey.”
He stopped mid-sentence, the contact of your skin tearing him away from the trance-like state he was in. Your thumb gently rubbed the back of his hand as you carefully observed him.
The exhaustion was written all over his feature. His skin seemed almost ashen in the faint morning light, the events of the day before weighing on his slouched shoulders but his eyes stayed cold. The captivating cerulean appeared dead and empty until he looked back at you. Tommy held your gaze for a moment and you saw the emotionless veil lifting. The cold demeanor he wore like an armor, the façade withering.
He looked like a little boy all over again: his eyes shone with the same heart-wrenching agony as they did, back in Small Heath, after Uncle Charlie pulled out his mum’s body from the canal. Although a lot had changed since then, this felt a little too familiar.
A soft sigh escaped your lips, your brows furrowed as you pulled him in. You wrapped your arms around his form, your hand rubbing his back soothingly. Tommy tensed for a second before leaning into your embrace.
As you held him, he could slowly feel the venomous grief creeping in, viciously spreading through his body. His heart hammered against his ribcage, and his eyes burned with the unshed tears he had tried so hard to hold in.
But, there, in the comfort of your arms, it seemed impossible to keep the gates closed. Tommy bit the inside of his cheek– his last, desperate attempt to resist the overwhelming sorrow threatening to defeat him and closed his eyes.
He was standing in front of the house again, dry mud staining his clothes and face. With a knife in his hand, he opened the three shrouds. One for Barney. One for Aberama.
And one for Polly.
Captain Swing’s words resonated through his mind as the corpse of his aunt lay before him. The deaths of your people are your own responsibility.
It played in his head over and over again like some broken record because she was right. He was responsible for their murders. He was responsible for the gaping, bloody wound on Polly’s chest. He was responsible for the tears, the suffering he caused to you, to his siblings, to his children. He was responsible for it all.
Tommy tightly grasped your satin robe, holding onto your waist as you felt a lone tear rolling down your neck.
Squeezing his shoulders, you leaned back. You kept one arm around him, the other reaching for his damp cheek. Kissing away the tears, you rested your forehead against his.
“I know you miss her,” you whispered, so close to him your lips were touching “You loved her and she loved you too. It’s okay to mourn for her, it’s okay to…”
Tommy shook his head. He couldn’t allow himself to grieve. He had a mission to carry. Polly’s murder wouldn’t stay unpunished and to avenge her, he couldn’t let the pain in.
“No, no. I can’t now or I won’t…”
“You can. Because I won’t let you fall apart, yeah? And even if you do, I’ll be here to hold the pieces together.”
You caressed his cheeks as he stared at you, letting your words sink in. Tommy could feel his heart swell under the earnestness of your eyes.
He let out a quivering sigh, closing his eyes. At this moment, he realized just how much he needed you, how much he longed for this unique combination of strength and gentleness you carried with you. The world may have been crumbling around him but Tommy had never felt safer than he did now.
“Now, you’re going to leave this,” you instructed, “Just a few hours. You need to rest, Tom.”
Under your palm, you could feel the shift in his jaw– an obvious sign of his reticence. He had always been impossibly stubborn and you knew it wouldn’t change now. You needed a different strategy.
Looking over his desk, you continued:
“You won’t be able to get revenge if you’re exhausted and half delirious. Let’s go to bed and then, you can come back to this.”
Tommy observed you for a moment, pondering on your words. Quite frankly, he was exhausted and had no idea how he was still standing at this point. He felt like he was dying like his body was slowly giving up and he would drop to the floor at any moment.
And even if he would never admit it out loud, he knew you were right. You always were. All the time he trusted you and followed your advice, he found himself successful. All the other times only served him as lessons to listen to you more. So he did.
Grabbing the hand you presented him, Tommy allowed you to guide him out of his office. He inhaled deeply the somewhat pure air in the hall as you walked to your bedroom. Once you had closed the door, you took out some clean pajamas and handed them to him.
“I’m going to make you some tea to help you sleep better, alright?”
Your husband vaguely nodded, his eyes heavy. You kissed his forehead before making your way to the kitchen. Using plants you grew in your garden, you poured some hot water into a cup, the same way you had ever since he returned from the war. The tea was a recipe from your mother who often suffered from insomnia, you had seen her prepare it countless times growing up. Later, you had begun serving it to your husband, trying to limit his opium consumption and soothe his nightmares.
“There you go,” you announced softly, handing Tommy the warm cup. He was already under the cover, obviously struggling to stay awake which made you smile.
By the time he finished, you had joined him in bed and lay on your side. It didn’t take him more than a second to reach for you, nestling his face in your neck. The room was quiet apart from yours and Tommy’s rhythmic breathing. He sighed contently, feeling the unbearable tension in his body lessening. You dropped a kiss on the shaven part of his head, bringing him closer to you. He squeezed your hip softly in response and, right before he fell asleep, he whispered:
“Thank you.”
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✯ L'ADIEU
pairing: Michael Gray x Reader
summary: You attend Michael's funeral
content warning: death, angst, spoiler for season 6 of peaky blinders.
a/n: i'm currently getting rid of some of my drafts and in the process of touching up some unfinished fics to post them.
You stand still in front of the rising flames, silent as you stare blankly into the fire.
Your sobs have now subsided to simple tears, a seemingly endless supply of them spilling down your cheeks as the image of Michael's death repeats over and over again in your head.
The brutality of it.
The sound of your own scream as you fell to your knees and cradled his head, begging for him to 'wake up, stay with me'.
How Tommy walked away from the scene without a glance back.
Michael's lifeless body in your arms, his blood soaking your hands.
The deafening silence surrounding you is only broken by the sound of fire sparks consuming the wood, which pulls you out of your thoughts and reminds you of the equally painful present moment.
Michael is gone, and there's nothing you can do about it.
You let your gaze wander to the ground, your expression unchanging. The pain seems to have momentarily numbed your senses. The only thing you fail to control is your tears; they fall freely and you let them dry in the wind.
No one has bothered to show up. Not Ada, not Finn, not even Isaiah who was once a close friend of his. It's just you and your aching soul mourning your late husband — and you can't help but wonder if Polly's spirit is here as well, looking out for you.
"I'll find him, Michael." you swallow back a sob, choking up again. "I'll find the Devil and i'll make him pay. I'll put a bullet through his skull like it was meant to be."
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