#perspective low-key had me suffering but it was fun!!! and now I’ve seen way more pics of the bell towers than I ever need to again

[twopoppies]

Ok, I’m gonna ask something and I really really hope where I’m coming from translates because I know how this can look.

I’m asking this question because I often ask it to myself, and I don’t know that I have an answer to it, but I’m young and new and I see you as a fandom auntie imparting your wisdom so maybe you can help me? I’m in my head a lot, all the time.

What would it take for you to go “alright that’s it, there is no Larry/they’re not together anymore”? I know, I know this question is shady. I’ve seen it thrown around a bunch of times in the year I’ve been a fan and it always gets a snarky response (which I totally get because I don’t think it comes from a genuine place). But as I said, I keep asking it to myself and when that happens I get a little frantic. Does that make sense? Like, it kind of gives me anxiety to think about that.

I keep wondering, if 5 more years go by and Freddie is still around... how would I feel? I don’t THINK that’s gonna happen, but then again, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight and he’s already 5, so who the fuck knows, you know? Would I be a firm believer on what I believe if I saw an 8, a 10 year old kid talk about Louis as his dad? I don’t have an answer... and it scares me, because it makes me feel delusional and I know I’m not.

What would happen if Louis and Eleanor got married? Do I think it will happen? No... but I mean, I also didn’t think they’d survive this long. When I first came into the fandom everyone was saying they’d break up soon and it’s been a year. How would I cope if that happened? If they had a kid? Would I patiently wait for it to be revealed that things aren’t as they seem? Would I give up?

What if Harry and Olivia become more serious? What if they date for years and he takes her to events or talks about her? Like, I know, I KNOW he’s never done it before, but I also know that he has never called any of his stunts “my ex girlfriend” before Camille, and he even included her voice in a song... so like, do we REALLY know? He hadn’t held hands with one of his stunts since Taylor, and he’d never taken them as plus ones to anything. He seems to be actively participating a lot more than with Camille. I did my research, they were seen together far less and mostly maintained it by her going to his concerts. Idk it just seems that he was so low key with stunts in the past and instead of taking steps to maybe come out, he’s taking steps to make his relationships look more serious. He “dated” those women for a couple of months tops, now he’s stuck in long “relationships” that have to involve his family and idk it kinda sucks. What’s the guarantee they won’t take it a step further? How would I react if they did?

These things are in my head constantly and I don’t know what to think. What WOULD I do? Would I get fed up and leave the fandom, regardless of what I believed? So many people have done that but I can’t see myself not supporting H&L, they feel like such an important part of my life.

God, I’m sorry for how long this was and how annoying it must be. I guess I just need a little guidance.

Hi sugar. Wow... there’s lots going on here and I don’t think I can actually address everything you’re asking. So, let me start by saying that I don’t have a set “if this happens, I’m out” line in the sand. For me, I imagine I’ll leave when fandom is no longer fun for me, but I don’t think longevity or mutation of the stunts would necessarily be the final straw.

The thing is, for those of us who’ve been here since the band was together, we saw how different Harry and Louis’ attitude was towards their closeting. They actively fought against it. Loudly. Somewhere along the way, after the hiatus, things seem to have shifted a bit. Not that they want to be closeted, but it feels as though they might have a different perspective on it these days.

So, I guess the question could be... do they want to come out anytime soon? And I really don’t know. Louis has barely gotten his solo career off the ground. Harry is doing extremely well with his extremely frustrating fence straddling. Would coming out soon hurt their career goals? I think babygate is an entirely separate issue and regardless of anything else, that just isn’t sustainable. There’s too much that’s shady there for me to ever think he had a baby with her. And I just can’t see the family agreeing to continuously lie to their child for an open ended amount of time now that he’s really old enough to understand. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t put anything past them, but that seems insane.

So if they’re not ready to make that big change, stunts could look different than they used to. Camille staying for a year and Eleanor coming back made it possible for each of them to write an album that included songs about long term love, and allowed them to talk about it during promo with as much honesty as they wanted/were able to share. Not everything has changed for the worse.

When I try to look at the situation from their POV, and assume that they have a bit more power than they did pre-hiatus, I feel less anxious about things. But more than anything, I think what helps is to remember that this is their lives. They know what’s best for them. We might not like it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re suffering or that you’re wrong about your assumptions about them. If you’re here to support them, then I think all you can do is just support them and remove any time frames and specific expectations. If it gets in the way of your mental health, please take a break. Fandom will still be here. I have good friends who are still ride or die Larries, but they just can’t handle being here right now.

Lastly, it sounds as though asking yourself these “what would I do” questions is a form of future worrying that is actually causing you some real anxiety. There really isn’t a point in wondering how you would react to something that may never happen. It won’t keep it from happening, but it is keeping you from enjoying where you are now.

I know this got long, but I hope there’s something helpful there. 💗

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Back again with one of my classic asks. With spooky season nearly upon us, I’d love to know what you think the boggarts are for the HPHM crew. 👻

Oh snap, I’ve thought about this a lot and it’s another one of those magical signatures that flesh out a character that are always fun to think about. Let’s see what I can come up with! This is going to be very disorganized and I apologize for that. 

Some of the characters are confirmed, we know for a fact that Tulip and Penny’s Boggarts are Merula and a Werewolf respectively. We also learn some of the other characters’ fears, although it’s not confirmed if they would be their Boggarts. Bill fears losing his family, meaning his Boggart would very likely be the same as Molly’s. Though it might be an easy way out, I think that Charlie would have the same values and probably have the same Boggart. Rowan feared failing their exams, which means that maybe it would be similar to Hermione’s and just be their Head of House condemning their failure. Or perhaps someone closer to them. Just imagine Rowan seeing their brother, or MC looking at them in disappointment? 

Barnaby is said to fear clowns, and that’s genuinely hilarious. However, I have to wonder if they would  really be his Boggart form. Though he pushes it down all the time, Year 5 makes it very clear that he lives in an abusive household. I’ve seen a lot of head-canons that Lucius would be Draco’s Boggart, but I’ve never agreed with them because however terrible Lucius was at parenting, he was never abusive - at least not to Draco. Barnaby, on the other hand? I wouldn’t be surprised if his Boggart is his father. Alternatively, I find myself remembering how he gravitated toward Merula and Ismelda, despite how they would hurt him. MC helped him see that he was being used. Maybe Barnaby fears being hurt by people close to him? Maybe the Boggart would be something more like a shadowy, scary figure - beckoning to him. The dissonance when one isn’t sure about the difference between abuse and love.

Then there’s Tonks. She’s said to fear losing her abilities. This is one of the only times she ever talks about her shape-shifting powers in a serious moment that isn’t played for laughs. She fears losing her powers? Why would that be? I think I know. I think I know why she constantly makes animals noses, and has her hair pink or purple or whatever color. I think I know why she prefers her surname. And sure, part of it would be that “Nymphadora” sucks as a name, but it’s not like “Tonks” is that much more “normal.” No...I think Tonks wants to distance herself from her mother’s side of the family. I think she’s low-key ashamed to be related to people like Bellatrix. I bet she’s the spitting image of Andromeda, who as we know, is the spitting image of Bellatrix. Maybe that’s why Tonks never shows her real face. Why she embraces the muggle side of her family more. Why she would fear the loss of abilities that let her present herself as she wants to be. As to what her Boggart would physically look like? Maybe Bellatrix herself.

We don’t have any canon information about any other characters, but let’s talk about Ben. I can’t say for certain what his Boggart would be, but I know where his fear lies. Ben is keeping some kind of secret. He’s definitely on our side, but he’s not telling the whole truth. Maybe he’s trying to protect MC, I don’t know. But I bet he fears, or at least feared, what MC’s reaction would be to learning this secret and learning that Ben lied. Imagine his Boggart being MC hating him and turning their back on him for it. Of course, after Chapter 18, I think it would turn into Rowan’s corpse. I doubt I need to explain why. 

Let’s get a bit obscure for a second. This one is more of a head-canon than anything else because there really isn’t any evidence for it beyond how I interpret the character. But when it comes to Badeea, I think she fears the loss of her senses, and her awareness. To put it simply, she fears losing her mind. Being unable to appreciate the world for all of the beauty and wonder it has, all of the new secrets she can learn. I think she’d be afraid of going blind, because that would painting a lot more difficult. I can envision her Boggart taking the form of Badeea herself, visibly unhinged. Blind and stumbling around, muttering to herself. 

I’m not sure what Liz would have as a Boggart, but I have to assume it would reflect on what she finds important. The things that are important to us are ultimately going to shape our greatest fears. Liz is an activist, we know this. I think she fears the evil that humanity is capable of, especially to the innocent. She fears the trauma that cannot be spoken, because the victims lack the language to ask why this is being done to them. Children and creatures, primarily. I could see Liz’s Boggart taking a couple of different forms. Maybe a wounded animal in a cage. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out what a Boggart would do for the more abstract fears...

Merula is one of the characters that I know exactly what her Boggart would be. At first it was Jacob’s Sibling. She feared them, felt intimidated by them. We know this - that was the real reason she locked them in a room with Devil’s Snare. She’s also envious of them - I wouldn’t be surprised if they played some role in her Erised vision as well. But post-Portrait Vault? Come on, we all know who her Boggart is. That seems almost like a given. You may be surprised that I’m not listing her mother, but Pre-Portrait Vault and post, I just don’t believe it would be. I’m not saying Mrs. Snyde is a good person or a good mother, but Merula seems to genuinely love and miss her. 

Chiara is different from Remus in that he hated himself for what he was. I don’t think that Chiara does. I think she has self-respect, but just because that’s true, it doesn’t mean the rest of the world respects her or would look at her with anything but fear and hatred if she shared her entire self. We see this with her trauma over what happened with Selina, and I think we have our answer right there. Young Selina, screaming and terrified when she saw Chiara’s transformation. We never got official confirmation that this was her Boggart, but it’s exactly the kind of thing that would be. It represents all of her insecurities. And sure, MC witnessing her transformation may have helped with that, but I don’t think for one second that it all went away. 

Talbott is another character who all but tells us what his Boggart would be. It’s said that many people who grew up during the First Wizarding War had Voldemort as their Boggart, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Talbott did. (Would make far more sense than MC having Voldemort as a Boggart, that’s for damn sure.) Or if not Voldemort himself, a Death Eater. Could also be his parents’ corpses. Hell, he said that they only found his parents because of the Animagus Registry. Suppose they were killed in animal form. Suppose his Boggart is a swan, lying slain and bloody. There are multiple forms it could take, but it’s crystal clear what Talbott fears the most. He fears the people who murdered his parents, and he fears that he’ll suffer the same fate and that they will have died for nothing.

Okay, I knew you were waiting for this one. Skye Parkin. Another character who’s anxieties are worn on her sleeves, pretty much blatantly. I’m not sure what form the Boggart would take. But it seems clear to me that she’s insecure about her own talent as a Quidditch player, not to mention her lack of social skills. She’s under tremendous pressure and she would have anxiety about not living up to that pressure. Would her Boggart take the shape of Ethan? Maybe. But similar to Merula, I’m not sure because at least on a conscious level, Skye doesn’t seem to realize that she fears him. The Boggart could just as easily take the shape of Rath. Either way, it would have quite a bit of fear to go on. 

Let’s talk about Jae. I’m not sure how canon this is but I’ve heard that the reason he’s dealing in Dark Artifacts is for the sake of his mother, and I really like that idea. It implies that there’s a lot more going on with him and with his family. I can only assume there’s no Dad in the picture. I can only assume that perhaps they aren’t doing that well financially. He can bond with Charlie over that. In any event, I think Jae’s biggest fear is his operations shutting down, that he might get caught or busted. Because he probably depends on this business to help his mother. Not sure what form that Boggart would take, perhaps Ministry wizards showing up to arrest him? Perhaps something to do with his mother? 

Ismelda. Oh Ismelda. Again, we all know what the source of her fear and her pain is. We all know her baggage. Then again, I think her reaction to her family has manifested more into hate, than actual fear. On the other hand, she seemed pretty scared when she thought Merula was going to ditch her for MC. I have to assume that, at one point, she desperately wanted her parents’ attention and feared that they would never love her, before she settled into bitter acceptance of that. I think Ismelda’s fear would look similar to Badeea’s, in that it would take the shape of Ismelda herself in the state that she fears - her being all alone with no one caring about her. Or maybe it would take the form of her sister, throwing this in her face.

Orion seems to value one thing more than anything or anyone else, and that is his family. He lost one family before, and now he has a new one in the form of his Quidditch team. I think he has an interesting perspective about them, and however odd his choices may be I think he’s fully invested in helping them and seeing them grow into the best people and players they can be. I wonder if the reason he’s hesitated to get too involved in the whole fiasco with Skye, is because he fears conflict? If so, I can relate to that. Or maybe he sees something that we don’t. Either way, I don’t think he’ll ever kick Skye off the team because she’s part of that family. His Boggart is probably something to do with his family, and serious harm coming to them. I’ve always speculated that his family died of natural causes. Maybe he fears his new family will dissipate in similar ways? The old fear of losing touch with people after everyone leaves school? Again, this is getting primarily into head-canons and I know I’ve rambled on, but I wonder if his Boggart wouldn’t be the members of his team, reuniting with him and barely remembering or caring about him...

I haven’t covered everyone, but with characters like say, Murphy and Diego and Andre, I have genuinely no idea what their Boggart would be. These are the characters that I’ve had ideas about for a while and I’m so glad I was able to share them, so thank you for that!

[forbidd3nfruit]

Okay time to rant because I’m sad and don’t want to dump more miserable bullshit on my friends.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago due to his own inability to coexist in a healthy relationship. At that point we hadn’t even seen each other since March because of covid, so our whole breakup had to happen over FaceTime – the second time we ever FaceTimed in the entirety of our 1+ year relationship! 🙃 Getting me through this quarantine was knowing I could see him again when it was all over...kiss him, cuddle him, hold him in my arms. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I’ll soon be leaving the comfortable suburbs I spent the quarantine in to return back to my draining life in NYC. Prior to this relationship I spent several years in the city feeling lonely and worthless. All I wanted was love, and it felt like I got burned every time I tried to find it. I don’t know if it’s just the city or what, but I’ve had a long string of short term friendships and it feels like people just come and go. Admittedly I’ve been the one to walk away from friendships as well, but nonetheless I haven’t felt great security or found people I feel like I can really count on. It’s just been me vs. the world. I’m extremely protective of myself so perhaps this is understandable. I’m very discerning about who I allow in my life and who I am vulnerable with. This very much applies to intimacy and because of it, I didn’t have any sex from September 2016 to January 2019. And by no means am I on a spectrum of asexuality. I am very much a horny person! But I’m only really interested in sexual encounters that are fueled by passion and emotional intimacy.

I can be quite the romantic, and I do often daydream about my future partner, but I’m also level headed and logical. I sensed from the beginning with him that our relationship would last a while, though I never thought he was my soulmate or anything like that. It just felt so stable and secure. He was certainly the first person I dated that I felt I could really count on, and outside of romantic feelings, one of the few people in general I really clicked with. Funny enough I wasn’t that attracted to him at first, when he popped up on my Tinder, and I remember consciously deciding to swipe right because I had seen him on social media before and was curious what he’d be like. Flash forward to me falling in love with him. I digress! He wooed me in a fun way, and ending up being the first person I sent nudes to. He felt stable and reliable but at the same time had a naughty flair that made a good balance for me. However things started to subtly change within a relatively short period of time. In the first 4 months of our relationship, we had sex only 5 times and the nudes and sexts started to slowly disappear. I would ask him about it and he always brushed it off, either giving the excuse that his libido ebbs and flows, or later on claiming erectile dysfunction. At the same time, he had become my best friend and someone that I talked to daily. (Or maybe I should clarify and say *texted* because I was the only one in the relationship who initiated actual phone conversations.) I tried to bring up the lack of sex a number of times, sometimes somewhat jokingly, but still seriously, and nothing was changed. Just empty promises of going to a doctor or seeing a therapist, which never happened. (the latter has finally happened, only took the relationship ending 🙄)

I began to confide in a certain friend who I knew would have a good perspective on the situation. She encouraged me to have a serious conversation with him, which I ultimately put off for a long time, and essentially warned me that this relationship would end at some point or another. I knew it was true. But the day to day of our relationship was fun and made me really happy, waking up to his good morning GIFs, getting photos of his pets throughout the day, and generally just talking to each other about anything and everything we were doing. I knew it would be really fucking hard to lose that. As time went on things only got worse. The sex never returned, he wouldn’t fully address the issue, and things were generally getting imbalanced. We barely saw each other once a week. I felt like he didn’t want to make time for me in his life. I made advanced plans for him to meet my parents once which he bailed on because he isn’t willing or able to stand up to his asshole stepdad. Low key we were in a LDR being at opposite ends of the tristate area, which made things tough, and it was getting unfair when he would always ask me to come to him all the time and rarely ever stay a night with me. Which makes no fucking sense because he’s the one living at home with questionably toxic parents and I’m a free bitch in my own apartment!

It became clear that he was not capable of providing me what I needed. And I wasn’t even asking for a lot. He wasn’t capable of providing basic things required in a relationship. I started to get paranoid, and earlier this year when we were about to get out of his car I thought I saw Grindr on his phone out of the corner of my eye. I immediately texted the aforementioned friend about it and she reassured me it was probably something else. As was the case for most of our visits, I put away all my frustration so I could enjoy the very little time I actually got with him. I didn’t even think about it much after that, although if I recall a lot of my frustrations were put over the edge that same night after his mother came into his room at night when the two of us were in bed. Which for me is a serious violation of privacy. I am a grown ass adult and no one’s mother should be walking in on me at 2am when I’m half naked in bed with my boyfriend. (Something I later discussed with him, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with. He doesn't see her level of inappropriate behavior or manipulation.) This was days before the quarantine hit, and I had been procrastinating my big conversation, and decided to continue to do so as I felt it was important to have it face to face.

But then shit hit the fan. I was talking with my friend during the quarantine and she asked if he had used this opportunity to send sexy texts or anything like that. I literally laughed in her face lol. At that point it had been over a year since he sent anything like that, and almost a year since we last had sex. She told me that ever since I told her about the possible Grindr incident earlier in the year, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. That there was a chance he was unsure of how to conduct himself in a relationship (definitely true) and therefore possibly talking to other guys casually (questionable). She tried to set a trap but nothing came of it, then again we didn’t really let enough time go by because I was so intensely entrenched in anxiety that I knew my only option was to confront him. So I did, on FaceTime, and he denied it, but after multiple conversations he told me he had to end the relationship. I cried so hard the next day. We both agreed to maintain communication, as a means to retain normalcy in the midst of this pandemic. My anxiety was still running rampant and I was paranoid that he was a) already talking to other guys on Grindr, b) lied about not being on Grindr during the relationship, or both. So this time I went on Grindr to look for myself and sure enough there he was. I know 2 weeks had gone by since our actual breakup but it still fucking stung. This is the person who wouldn’t fuck me or send me a damn dick pic for the last year of our relationship. And 5 minutes after it ends he starts hoeing around again???

I’ve been in so much pain since. We had a face to face meeting which was mostly a success, because he was actually able to be emotionally vulnerable for once in his fucking life, but I’m still hurt. He apologized for everything but never really explained to me why his relationship with sex is so complicated. Then again I doubt even he understands it. My friend reassures me that ultimately, he will be the one suffering with his own inability to process his emotions, whereas I will heal and find love again because I am emotionally intelligent and available. But right now it feels like he’s resumed life as normal and I’m here depressed over seeing his tweets. I miss him so much but thinking about him talking to other guys even if casually still really hurts me. This is someone I placed so much trust in and looked to for security and stability and he couldn’t even meet me halfway. I have so much fucking love to give and I give it with the utmost dignity. If his best at a relationship was half-assing it, I wish he wouldn’t even have gone on Tinder in the first place.

But perhaps I screwed myself over here. I’ve allowed years of sexual frustration to pent up and allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone who was not good enough for me. And apparently I still don’t feel like I deserve better because I’m obsessively thinking about him.

[avoresmith]

About Ajin and AV’s delicate feelios

I want to explain why I love Ajin because it's quite personally important to me and while my immediate social circle has heard me talk about this quite a bit in the last few days, ya'll haven't. In fact, most of you probably haven't even heard about this manga.

But to talk about it means spoiling a (fairly early) reveal of the manga. It's not a big deal to be spoiled for it probably, but I wasn't. So I'll start with just the Impersonal Deets for those of you who might like to go in unspoiled.

Ajin's premise is that of a world wherein within the last generation, humanity has discovered that there are ajin/demi-humans living among them. Demi-humans are in a lot of ways no different than regular humans, except that they can't die. They don't have super strength, they aren't a different species in the sense that ajin parents have ajin children (not as far as we know, anyway), they can summon cool ghosts with limited abilities and if they die they will return to life within seconds, unharmed.

You don't find out you are a demi-human until you die once, but demi-humans are considered nonhumans with no rights and society is quick to turn on them.

Ajin's focus is primarily on a ruthlessly efficient exploration of the world dynamics it's established around the powers of demi-humans and how they operate. It is really fun, because so many manga see the solution to whatever problem they set up as more strength, cooler super powers. Ajin is much more interested in playing chess with a pre-established and limited number of pieces.

Think about it: normal humans who don't regenerate from any injury unless they die, but WILL come back from any kind of death. How do you stop such a person and how do they make themselves harder to stop? Incapacitate them, okay. But if you injure them, can't they then just kill themselves to recover from any injury? Knock them out then, but not too hard or they might die, and then you're back to square one. Or tranq them, but careful not to cause an OD. Or, kill them repeatedly so they can't move. Long enough to get them in restraints that a human can't escape.

So then you have them, what do you do with them? What does an undying body that will regenerate any lost body parts upon death mean to what group of people? What would a government organization do with such a thing? What about a criminal one? What about a scientific one? What about a corporation?

What is the value of an undying body, and to who, how do you extract that value from it? And if YOU are unable to die, what do you do with it? Do you fight, knowing that death isn't an option as a release from your war if you lose? Do you hide? Do you go on a power trip? Do you see more or less value in life overall?

Ajin is largely a systematic exploration of these questions and dozens of others extrapolated through a very simple premise and lived by a group of amoral and largely un-empathetic characters.

It's terribly smart, pretty fast paced, and absolutely dedicated to its premise.

Character wise, you may care about about 3 or 4 people, as long as you aren't bothered by No One Is Actually Very Good and Almost No One Scores Higher Than A 3.5 out of 10 On Giving A Fuck About Other Human Beings.

It actually has some of my favorite character writing ever, but I don't have an issue with a cast of low empathy assholes.

For warnings other than that:

Bad at remembering women exist. For the majority of the manga there is Only One Actually Relevant Female Character. Weirdly also has some of the best writing I've ever seen for a tertiary female character. There isn't any fanservice, the author just seems to forget women exist outside of very specific tropes, but does write those tropes well. Seems to be improving slowly. I believe in him on this front more than I believe in Kojima.

The writing in the first four chapters is Not Good. It's very trope heavy, contrived, and nonspecific. I didn't find it painful but I did roll my eyes a lot and it set a really low bar, haha. Then artist takes over the job of writing as well, and there is pretty immediate improvement in both art and writing over the course of the manga. Has some fantastic scenes. Possibly the best mother character I've ever seen?? Also has one of the best versions I've ever seen of a specific villain trope.

Don't watch the anime, read the manga. It's available legally online via Crunchyroll and Comixology.

Now if you're like. GOSH AV, SEEMS INTERESTING, BUT IT'S WEIRD YOU HAVE SAID BASICALLY NOTHING ABOUT CHARACTERS.

Well friend that's because Ajin also has perhaps one of my favorite protagonists of all time but I can't tell you why without spoiling the first uuh. 17ish? Chapter of the manga. (it's monthly so that's about the first 3rd of what is out now).

So if you want to know more than I THINK NAGAI KEI IS THE BEST EVER AND YOU SHOULD READ HIS MANGA. Continue under the cut:

Nagai Kei, the 17 year old protagonist of the manga who gets hit by a truck in chapter 1 and finds out he can't die, is a sociopath.

Or maybe he's Incredibly Low Empathy.

I honestly don't care which, I feel like if you're quibbling over Full Sociopath or 90% Sociopath you're missing the point. He literally popcorns the deaths of thousands of civilians and acknowledges it as a 'pretty good move' of a terrorist to make. He has incredibly little empathy.

But he is also, inarguably, the hero of the story.

Not the most heroic of heroes, also inarguable. But that's sort of what the story is about, when it isn't about murder chess. The exploration of a kid who isn't motivated by how much he Cares About People, still coming to risk everything he has to Do What Is Right. And him turning away the chance to BE a villain, even though, aren't sociopaths always villains? Isn't that the constant implication, that if you don't Care Like Most People Care, you don't care at all? Without empathy, what motivates one to not be a villain? A huge number of canons would suggest the answer is nothing.

Fandom AND mainstream media really likes the romanticize the villainous sociopath. And look, me fucking too! I love many of those assholes. But it's also frustrating to watch people struggle to scrounge up reasons to justify lack of empathy as somehow an excuse for why a character can still Not Be That Bad even when they have done Super Bad Things.

Ajin, though Kei, sets a different standard. You can try to stop a war and save countless lives for motivations other than how much the suffering of others bothers you. You can choose not to kill for reasons other than some inexplicable conviction that 'all human life is equally valuable'. You can not give a fuck about someone's pain without being a sadist, and you can protect someone without fearing a life without them. You can make tons of Right Choices Which Benefit Others without thinking your life is worth less than a large quantity of people you have no personal investment in.

And it does it without actually disparaging empathy, either. The lesson isn't That Feelings Are Stupid And You Should be 100% Rational at all.

Rather, it's the nuanced story of a boy with little to no empathy struggling to navigate the feelings he very much actually has but has convinced himself he doesn't and can't have because lack of feeling for others is often conflated with lack of any kind of emotion. Kei has bought into this narrative as much as anyone, and constantly has a Logical Reason for everything on hand, lest he ever be forced to admit He Had A Feeling.

Kei's primary struggle as a character is admitting to himself that he cares about Very Specific Things, and that this motivates his actions when by every logical choice he really should be running as far away from the plot as he can get and never looking back.

And I… relate. Incredibly.

And I never have before, is the thing.

And that's okay. I was not yearning to have a character of low enough empathy that processes the world the same way I do. That inofitself would probably be a weird thing for someone with low empathy to even think to need. You don't really grow up giving incredibly little fucks about how others feel only to be distressed when there isn't media that you can relate to. I long ago Accepted The Importance Of Representation In Media but never in a million years would have told you "I wish I saw someone who had as little empathy as me being a hero, because actually I work pretty hard to fit a certain standard of Good Person, and this is an incredibly underexplored perspective".

But now that I've seen it, and it happened, I can tell you it Means A Lot, and I Had Quite A Few Feelings About It.

Reading Kei's story is in a lot of ways like flipping through a diary of my own emotional growth. We went into our teenage years with very different priorities (I was raised to value interpersonal relationships very highly and got into fiction at a young age, Kei was raised to see relationships as tools and has been fixated on medicine most of his short life), but none-the-less we've had a lot of the same questions, insecurities, frustrations.

And because SO MUCH of what Kei says, how he processes the world, how he responds in almost every situation, is viscerally familiar to me, I find myself terribly fond of him. I've never so much honestly wanted to shake a character and give him life advice because I know what he's going through and I know he can come out of it.

I'm also unfortunately fond of the author at this point. It certainly isn't impossible that I'm completely wrong and he is just very good at character perspective, but I find it difficult to imagine that he hasn't also really really been there.

And I'd kind of love to take him out for a beer sometime and shoot the shit about what it's like to be a confused teenager who is constantly disappointing people because they keep expecting an emotional resonance you haven't learned to perform on cue yet.

[cococassey]

Goblin kdrama, ep 14-16

I have a confession to make. I probably cried only once watching this show, in ep 1 when Eun Tak realized her mom was a ghost. And a little bit when Kim Go Eun cried her heart out as Eun Tak recovered her memories of Shin. I’ve always wondered why. I know I have a lot of fun watching the show, as in its heart it’s a fantasy romcom, but was the comedy hindering me from connecting deeper emotionally to the story? Boy, did I cry ugly tears when Eun Tak died, even though I have an inkling she will probably be reincarnated. This is when it sunk in how much I’ve grown to love these characters. Goblin, it might have been a rough start, but we reached the end of the road, and I’m loathe to part ways.

I have my concerns with the meandering pace of the earlier episodes (That roundabout stuff about the pulling of the sword was making me pull my hair in turn). It’s fun but felt sitcom-y, and the stellar cast is a big factor on making it work. When 99% of dramas usually lose their way at the end, Goblin bucked the trend and really saved the best for the last leg of the show. Some lingering issues that bothered me before are: Eun Tak’s earlier immaturity, OTP is overshadowed by the brotp, and being disengaged from current Yeo and Sunny’s love story. But the show was able to close out strong and gave me enough resolution by the end.

First, I’ve seen Eun Tak mature before my very eyes. Second, the OTP may not have initially swept me off my feet, but with each episode they steadily made me feel for them, until I’m in deep. The amnesia thing may be a trope, but my heart skipped when Shin made the flowers bloom in winter for Eun Tak from afar (when she made that public mistake). My jaded heart slowly melted as Eun Tak’s lost memories slowly returned—when he wooed her with stories of a tragic long-forgotten love, which is actually their own sad story, willing her to remember.

Third, my detachment from the second OTP was because we did not spend more quality time with Sunny. If I see another useless scene of her drinking soju by the store window, I’m going to drink one myself to oblivion! But her retaining the memories and her farewell love letter to Yeo won me over. It’s like a veil was lifted, I finally saw things from her perspective—how much she wants to follow her heart but she simply cannot forgive him yet…in this lifetime. I felt Yeo and Sunny’s ending was very apt, that they found their happy ending on their next lives. They had too much emotional baggage for it to be just swept under the rug.

I also wanted more scenes with Shin and Sunny as siblings, but somehow their current gap makes sense. Yes, memories of familial fondness are still there as they were siblings in her past life, but they’re living their own lives now. Scenes you expect to go down dramatic, but turn out low-key are more surprisingly poignant. Shin finally forgiving Yeo with a simple nod meant much more than any hug ever will. I love that Yeo was given a second chance at happiness after atoning for his sins as grim reaper. If anyone deserves it, it’s him. It sadly led to the inevitable breakup of my bromance though. Everyone gradually leaving that Goblin house broke my heart (it felt akin to everyone leaving Reply 88’s Ssangmundong all over again).

I honestly gave up making sense of who remembers who there at the end, it was really messy (after god wreaked amnesia havoc yet again), but how can Sunny not tell Eun Tak of her past esp. as she is suffering deep sadness from it. I’ll just take it that Sunny didn’t want to trouble Eun Tak anymore of what she lost so she can move on, and that Sunny was not aware of the other’s depression.

I was expecting Eun Tak to be reincarnated as an immortal as she sacrificed herself for others, so she can be forever with Shin. Does this ending mean she’ll be dying again while he stays immortal? Their fated love patiently endures so I’m betting on their happily ever after, that they’ll always find each other through time. Now that I think of it, this is kind of a fitting end for a drama that has an air of melancholy around it underneath all the laughs.

I guess if the show taught us anything, it’s that life is both bittersweet and precious because there’s never enough time. You’re born, you live, you laugh, you love, you cry, you move on. Loneliness may be unbearable at times, but stay strong, you owe it to those who loved you. There will be angels to light your way when you least expect it. Don’t miss it, maybe he’s sitting on a bench underneath a cherry blossom tree, the one with the ancient eyes and that sad smile on his beautiful face, waiting patiently for his bride to come home.