#phdhopeful

[tothethingsthemselves]

Don’t Panic! 😌⁣ ⁣ Reminding myself no matter if my application succeeds or fails....⁣ ⁣ Academic achievements do not reflect anyone’s intrinsic worth as a person....⁣ ⁣ And snacks make things better! 😋 ⁣ ⁣ #phdhopeful #studygram #dontpanic #itsallgonnabeokay https://www.instagram.com/p/B55VnJOJvpu/?igshid=1544yxl3ltxaa

[phdnote-blog]

2017.02.07 Tuesday: Fail and Hope

People told me that the last weeks are the worst. 

We had to move suddenly. This caught me off guard, but I am happy we spent the energy on that, because - f*ck the landlady (karma is a b---, I hope her second marriage fails as well) and that expensive sh*thole. We moved into a dream place and are SO MUCH HAPPIER. It was totally worth the effort at the end of 2016.

HEALTH ISSUES

Since the first day this year, I have been sick. Physically sick. I did not only have fever and stayed in bed for 2,5 weeks and then still be weak and struggling with a cold for almost the whole month of January; as soon as I began to recover, I got physically ill again.

My whole body shut down and got sore and I was forced to rest. I reached a point where my body told my mind to “relax and chill”, and it allowed nothing else but resting. 

FAILURE

I failed to work for 2,5 weeks.

I saw publication deadlines come and go, my supervisor gave me a deadline I can’t meet now, and I felt like a failure. DH was working so hard to finance my last months so I didn’t need to worry, but yeah. I hate being a burden, and on top of being unable to work and going to the doctor’s every week for checkup and prescription drugs, I was also worried about money now.

I cried myself to sleep out of frustration not being able to work on my thesis, out of exhaustion, because my body was itching and aching and sore, and out of despair - because what was coming now, if my supervisor did not want to prolong my supervision?

Do you believe in something?

I always did, because if you see the whole picture, I was always lucky in life. The day after I had so many worries in my head I didn’t know what to do, I received one offer after another...

A friend of mine needed help with his work and offered me a position (part-time) to help out, with payment, of course. (I used to work in this field and love it, but had to stop due to my thesis.

Another old friend rang me up to ask me to edit their new publication. (Working with a book, yay!)

The professor I met last year suggested we look for financing opportunities when I want to take upon the tasks of translating one of his publications into another language. (Combining my side job and my love for books is just really, really cool!)

An old client of mine asked me to take a big project for the upcoming 5 months! (I was thinking of digital nomading, and this is just it!! Securing basic income while working whenever I want as long as I finish the project in June!)

I f*cking hate my life right now, as I can’t stop comparing myself to my colleagues and friends who are already done with their dissertations and are working. BUT. In my lowest moment of despair, I got a glimpse of hope again. That everything will be fine. 

I feel like crap constantly. I feel like an imposter and a failure every. single. day. But then again, even really stupid people have been resilient enough to master it. Why shouldn’t I?

Letting go of my obsession to write the perfect paper. 

Focussing on my health and just finishing the paper. 

Next week, I have to hand in at least another chapter of my work, and I will be losing 3 days due to a family event I cannot not attend. 

Breathing in and out. In and out. 

It’s gonna be okay, any way.

I can do this.

You can do this.

“To survive this period, you have to be willing to fail from the moment you wake to the moment your head hits the pillow. You must be willing to fail for days on end, for months on end and maybe even for years on end. The skill you accrete during this trauma is the ability to imagine plausible solutions, and to estimate the likelihood that an approach will work.” (http://matt.might.net/articles/successful-phd-students)

[teenwolflestat]

I ♥ my dad. #phdhopeful #mydadiscute

[tothethingsthemselves]

Back to the early ☕️ n 👨‍💻...⁣ ⁣ Submitting a Plain English Summary so I can get some stats input...⁣ ⁣ Sample size calculations are fun.... right? ⁣ ⁣ I once read a definition of sample size calculations as ‘guesstimates masquerading as mathematics!” 😜⁣ ⁣ #phdhopeful #stats #samplesizecalculations https://www.instagram.com/p/B7IcVNlJieb/?igshid=oca0o2kfeksb

[tothethingsthemselves]

Late Night Library..🌖📚🌔⁣⁣ ⁣ Worked in the libraries basement today!⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣ It was very quiet.... ⁣ almost too quiet!🤫😂⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣ So close to (but yet so far) my application submission...⁣⁣ ⁣ ...just one more week.⁣..⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣ Must… Keep… Writing…!🙃⁣⁣ ⁣ Early starts and quite possibly late nights... Ahoy!⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ ⁣ #phdhopeful #library #thestudydontstop #livinthedream #itsallpartoftherichtapestry https://www.instagram.com/p/B53e7gglOgA/?igshid=xodyd6jtul5r

[tothethingsthemselves]

Library (aka) My Happy Place! 😊⁣ ⁣ I periodically forget my productivity is always better when I write/study away from home... (sort of!).⁣ ⁣ Back to the #librarylife 😉⁣ ⁣ #phdhopeful #studygram #librariesofinstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B73-BsOBy0H/?igshid=f3ew1i9qukld

[tothethingsthemselves]

I Love 💀-Lines! 🤓⁣ ⁣ Early starts at least mean quite coffee shops! ☕️⁣ ⁣ It’s all part of the ‘rich tapestry’ of academic hijinks!⁣ ⁣ ...I guess...🤣⁣ ⁣ #phdhopeful #coffeetime #twsbieco #jibuntecho #labanfountainpen https://www.instagram.com/p/B5pCIVMFn3J/?igshid=11k9vz2s98e5w

[tothethingsthemselves]

Be More Lorek Byrnison!⁣ ⁣ Note to self... 🙂⁣ ⁣ #phdhopeful #studygram #bemoreIorekbyrnison #iorekbyrnison #hisdarkmaterials #thenorthernlights https://www.instagram.com/p/B65bluJJ13m/?igshid=8cqbd5eivsv2

[tothethingsthemselves]

Pre ‘Supervisor Meeting’ Prep!⁣ ⁣ Catching up with supervisor re application draft Friday and thinking of likely areas I’ll need to re-write! 😬⁣ ⁣ I mean - there will be ‘re-writing’ that’s a given. Its like death and taxes! 😂⁣ ⁣ #phdhopeful #studygram #coffee #stationery https://www.instagram.com/p/B4h6wIFlZyQ/?igshid=5jquj6rvke3

[tothethingsthemselves]

Journal Club Today! 📝 🙌🏼⁣ ⁣ Prepped a talk on some journals investigating the connection between functional gut and eating disorders.⁣ ⁣ Really important area of research that needs further study.⁣ ⁣ #journalclub⁣ #phdhopeful⁣ #studygram⁣ #microbiome⁣ #fgid https://www.instagram.com/p/B8dzDppp6em/?igshid=sezip26xhxkn

[tothethingsthemselves]

17 Days To Draft Submit...⁣ ⁣ Back at it early.. In my Favourite Library! 💻📚⁣ ⁣ Snacks and the View will get me through! 🍪🍁⁣ ⁣ #Phdhopeful⁣ #Phdcandidate⁣ #studygram #librariesofinstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B3l2WWjnDsf/?igshid=1ccgobdrykc1v

[tothethingsthemselves]

18 Days to Draft Submit..⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ This Douglas Adams quote comes to mind re productivity levels this weekend...⁣⁣⁣ ⁣ ⁣⁣ “𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 ‘𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨’ 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘧𝘭𝘺-𝘣𝘺” 😬⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I could have done 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘺 more. Did some reading and organising of references, battled IT impedia and timetabled out study slots for next week. Small victories!⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ Monday must be more motivated! 😂⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ #Phdhopeful #Phdcandidate #studygram https://www.instagram.com/p/B3kXyq4HTMr/?igshid=172v3kyxt0l6n

[tothethingsthemselves]

23 Days To Draft Submit⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ Okay was starting to feel mildly panicky today!⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ For some reason today the amount of writing I’ve got to do feels kind of unsurmountable.⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I tried to break it down and see it as piecemeal and come up with a schedule.⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ The ‘Impostor Syndrome Troll’ visited! 😂⁣⁣⁣ ...But I banished him with...⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ ...Strong Coffee and Vegan Cupcakes!⁣⁣ 🙌🏼☕️🧁⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Gonna start early tomorrow.. 💪🏼 ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ #PhDhopeful #PhDcandidate #Studygram #Coffee #Deathbeforedecaf ⁣⁣⁣ https://www.instagram.com/p/B3XiJzanbv-/?igshid=jqivqs2ljylh

[tothethingsthemselves]

21 Days to Draft Submit⁣ ⁣ Uni campus looking ace is evening autumn light..⁣ ⁣ Worked from home today then covered a clinic (70% of my job is clinical - I love it!)⁣ ⁣ Got more done on my ‘Detailed Research Plan’... but not enough!⁣ ⁣ Off to London tomorrow for a talk and meeting...⁣ ⁣ Then a solid weekend of writing ✍️ 💻 ✍️ (right!? 😉)⁣ ⁣ #Phdhopeful #Phdcandidate #studygram #uni #autumn https://www.instagram.com/p/B3ck-xRHfM3/?igshid=1la036vygqq4s

[tothethingsthemselves]

It’s Gonna Be a Long One!⁣ ⁣ ...working from home means fun with pour over coffee!⁣ ⁣ #Phdhopeful #Phdcandidate #pourovercoffee #kalitawave #studygram https://www.instagram.com/p/B3bmqiGnbT8/?igshid=bkridazlzg73

[tothethingsthemselves]

22 Days To Draft Submit⁣ ⁣ Got to the library late again today - But feel as if I made some progress!⁣ ⁣ Refocusing and reminding myself that I’m...⁣ ⁣ 𝐃𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 ‘𝐆𝐚𝐩’.⁣ ⁣ I can clearly identify the Health & Care need my Research meets.⁣ ⁣ Sometimes these simple phrases help cut through the ‘over-analysis’⁣ ⁣ (Self-Care Goal for day.. >7 Hours Sleep ☺️😴)⁣ ⁣ #Phdhopeful #Phdcandidate #Studygram #Lamy #TWSIBI https://www.instagram.com/p/B3Z7LH9nMdT/?igshid=12x396chieibv