#please don't be concerned i have phases like this i'm just mentally burned and doing a self assessment post to make some sense to myself

[a-s-levynn]

At this point i'm certain i should not be left alone unsupervised for extended periods of time.. it's not good for my mental state. I'm fully aware of this obejctively, but i don't care about it the slightest.

I forgot a concert i was waiting on for months, i forgot that i was supposed to meet a friend few days ago whom i haven't seen over a year, i regularly forget daily tasks lately, i can't sleep nearly as much as i used to, which wasn't much to begin with, i have thoughts and dreams i should not have. I skipped a week at work via a lie because i hadn't had the mental strength to present as normal around people and i lied to my friends about it, saying that i wanted to stay home to play a game with them which we did, on my part as a weak attempt to socialize but i didn't cared about that either and basically just exhausted myself mentally and pissed myself off. I lie on a daily basis about anything and everything because it’s easier at this point. I don’t have motivation for anything because i just don’t care. And i know it's supposed to be concerning but i just don't give a shit. I know i should. But i don't. About any of it. And at the same time it doesn't affect me as it probably should. So on the bright side, at least i’m not suicidal at the moment. But that doesn’t mean i don’t wanna do unhealthy stuff. Fun times.

[dark9896]

Whumptober 2023

Day 25: "Maybe I'm just hopeless" [x Klaus]

Struggling, panting, all but ready to pass out from the sheer effort of standing up. This battle wasn't going in your favor... in truth, no battle has ever gone in your favor. You'd been a fang hunter for as long as you could remember but here you were still struggling to hold your own in combat.

Maybe it was how little you worked out, maybe it was your blood blade and how you'd never fully mastered it, maybe it was how much you relied on other tools and weapons before joining Libra.

Regardless, you were hardly any use in combat and it showed. Klaus always had to bail you out and that wasn't a good look. Especially not when you had an embarrassingly massive crush on the man.

How were you ever to confess if you had to constantly be saved? Were you supposed to try and convince him you were good spouse material? The man had a butler and was more than capable of taking care of a household on his own. You were barely able to boil water without it burning.

You were only kidding yourself to think there was anything Klaus might see in you... especially as he once again came to your rescue.

"[Name], are you alright?" He turned to you with the same concern as ever, "Please, allow me to--"

"I'm fine Klaus." You sighed, "The only thing seriously hurt is my pride. I'll be fine."

Despite your insistence on being okay, your body betrayed you. The ground was coming up fast, but Klaus was much faster; catching you before you could even think about how cold the concrete would be.

"I'm fairly certain your injuries are far worse than you believe them to be." Klaus shifted you around gently before lifting you, "Please, forgive me. I don't want you to further injure yourself."

Letting out a soft grunt, you submitted to the giant teddy bear. Part of you was thrilled, but that elation was extremely short-lived. You were still nothing like how you used to be... you were still a failure of a fang hunter. Despite having one of the best and most versatile blood blade styles out there.

It was maddening to be stuck in this newbie phase.

While sitting in the office; most of your wounds had been shallow, but you weren't able to move around much or be left alone; you watched the mist and clouds just beyond Klaus's desk. He was, of course, the one who'd volunteered to babysit you while you recovered.

Part of you hated it.

It felt like you really couldn't do anything on your own, not even recover without Klaus being right there. Had the two of you been dating or something, you'd understand it. But he was just being friendly with a coworker. That's all the two of you were to one another. Coworkers.

"[Name], I'm afraid I need to pick up a couple things from my house." Klaus spoke up, "Is there something you might need as well?"

"No, I'm good." Klaus was used to you sounding defeated after battles, but he was still worried about you, "I'll just be here... unless nature calls."

"Please don't strain yourself. I'll be back as soon as possible."

Klaus wondered how he could possibly help you. Perhaps he should insist on helping you train, or research your blood blade to see what might be causing it's unpredictability. Then again...

It could be your past keeping you from your full potential.

The idea haunted Klaus, he couldn't fathom being raised as a soldier and not being able to control one's own fighting abilities. It must take its toll on your mental health as well. Perhaps he should just talk to you and see if a little gentle prying could clear up whatever is going on with you.

And yet, you were quite stubborn about not saying anything. It worried Klaus to no end, he didn't want to force you after all. That would just be plain rude. But something had to give...

It was rather late, you opted to stay on the couch instead of trying to lie in a bed. At least on the couch, you'd be able to keep one leg propped up over the back. Klaus didn't think it was ideal, but he couldn't argue with the possibility that you'd injure your leg further if left to a flat bed.

In the hopes that Klaus was far enough away, you murmured under your breath, "Maybe I'm just hopeless."

An answer to a question that Klaus had long since abandoned, but one he couldn't ignore. Turning on his heel to make sure that had come from you, that it wasn't just him projecting an answer you might give in to the quiet open air.

The way your eyes shifted told Klaus exactly what he feared...

"[Name], of course you aren't hopeless." The red-haired man was kneeling beside the couch before you could protest, "You merely need a little assistance with your abilities is all. Once you're feeling better, I'd be more than happy to offer my help. After a little research and training, I'm positive that you'll get the hang of your blade. But you aren't hopeless, not by a long shot."

You remained silent, unwilling to say anything else. Trying to discuss this made you uneasy, as if you were complaining about having something not having the right color. But Klaus was more determined and stubborn than he let on, something you deeply admired until it was used against you.

"Please, let me help you." His voice had such a soft grumble to it, "Before you had a blood blade, you were one of the best hunters the Vatican had to offer. I know that once you master your newer abilities you'll become that formidable fore once again."

He leaned over, gently brushing your hair behind your ear, "Please, allow me to help you [Name]. I'd like to..."

[deadmomjokes]

I need "Mom" advice...I get married in a couple months and honestly I'm nervous about sex. My actual mom never talked to me about it...was taboo. I barely learned about my period, except some friends explained and helped me through it. I'm afraid I won't make my husband happy or it will hurt. I've heard varying stories of friends' first times, and I don't want things to be awkward. I don't even know how to bring it up with my fiancé.

Thank you SO much forfeeling comfortable coming to me! I’ll try to give a basic “sex ed” lessonhere, and if you’re worried about specific things, please feel free to comeback and ask more, or PM me, or send me an ask off anon to ask about email if you’drather do it that way. Whatever’s going to be most helpful for you. I hope Ican address the concerns you listed, and possibly some that might be underlyingin general (most people have a lot of nebulous nervous feelings surroundingphysical intimacy that can be hard to put to words).

(For those uninterested or uncomfortable, a verybig TW for talking about sexual activity in a scientific sort of way, buttechnical terms and (respectful) descriptions may abound.) LOOOOOOOOONG post ahead, but hopefully comprehensive, respectful, and useful.

First Things First I Guess

Firstly, please know it’s super normal to benervous about sex. Almost everyone is, especially in family or social culturesthat don’t normalize talking about sex. We also do a crappy job in general offormal education about sex and sexuality, so too many people (especially women)aren’t given any background. If both of you are virgins, or new to sexualactivity in general, I bet he’s actually nervous too.

Second, bringing it up is going to be hard, butSO important. It might be worth sitting down and simply saying “I haveno idea how to bring this up, but here it is: I’m worried about sex.” The basis for any good sex life is communication and respect. Ifhe’s not nervous but you are, he has to respect that and be understanding ofthe time you may need to adjust. My guess is he has concerns as well, and beingable to talk about it together will bring a huge measure of relief to both ofyou. Another idea to bring it up would be to write an email or text saying thatyou’re not sure how to bring it up, but want to make sure both of you arecomfortable talking about it, so is there a time y’all could talk about it.Idk, that might be a bit formal for how you guys usually do things, but I knowsome people think better in written form. But being able to talk about your concerns, and having a shared general expectation of how things will go the first time is going to be helpful in making sure you’re not terrified of your honeymoon.

Third, and this is the big one: Almost no one’sfirst sexual encounter goes how they think it will, and that’s almost all because of unrealistic expectations. Sex is a weird concept, bodies areweird, and our cultural and social idea of sex is HIGHLY romanticizedand “sterilized” as it were. We have this Hollywood idea of what sex lookslike and is, and real sex has never been that way. It may end up being awkward physically (more later on that), but that’s okay, because that’s often just how things are, and sexual experiences tend to get better with time. Our culture has normalized the idea of “perfect sex” and promotes this big romantic “first time” narrative, but it almost never works out that way. Not to say it won’t or can’t be fun for you, just know it won’t be all fireworks and amazement right off the bat, because there’s a lot to coordinate between two people and four limbs and blankets and stuff.

Sex might be physically strange or a bit uncomfortable especially the firsttime, but if done properly it doesn’t have to hurt. By done properly, I meangiving both parties enough time to adjust, warm up, and become comfortablewith the situation. First intercourse with any partner, but especially yourfirst EVER partner should be about exploring and admiring each others’ bodies,without pressure to actually engage in classical intercourse (meaningpenetrative intercourse) if you don’t feel up to it. Being very nervous can prevent your body fromadapting in the way it needs to in order to be comfortable and pain-free duringintercourse.

The body has a complex system of reactions thatgear it up for intercourse, but here’s the basics.

How Sex Works Physically

What most people refer to as “foreplay” isgenerally not an optional thing for comfortable sex; smooching, cuddling, and a feeling of closeness are basically necessary to trigger thechemical reactions that start the physical adaptations for sex. Going from 0 (hey how’s it going) to60 (penetrative sex) instantly is going to be uncomfortable at best, but will likely hurtespecially in the beginning. Plus you won’t get anything out of it, and committed-partner sexshould be about emotional closeness as much as it is about physical sensationfor BOTH partners. So spending time cuddling and kissing is an important partof “actual sex.” The chemicals that are released during this time trigger yourbody to send increased bloodflow to the sexual organs, starting the sexual response cycle. (NOTE: Some people can begin the sexual response cycle by thinking about sex, reading or viewing erotic material, or “talking dirty,” so if y’all are really worked up and into it, much “traditional” foreplay like making out may not be necessary. This is usually what’s going on with what people refer to as a “quickie,” both parties are already physically prepared for sex because they’ve been thinking about it and that triggered the sexual response to begin.)

In female/afab bodies, the increased bloodflowresults in swelling of the labia (external parts) and a feeling of fullness,which increases physical sensation (perception of touch), which in turn triggersthe production of lubrication (some people refer to this as getting orbeing “wet” if you’ve heard that term thrown around. And don’t worry, it’s not like a ton of liquid, it won’t be like peeing everywhere or anything, it just makes sure things can move around easily, like an oil coating in a pan.) It also triggers thevagina (the internal parts) to expand, and the vaginal opening to relax and expand. Thesethree processes (lubrication, internal expansion, and external relaxation) are important in making sure sex doesn’t hurt. Like I said,with first intercourse, it may still be a bit uncomfortable because it’s a new sensation and your brain may still be on “no sex, sex is off-limits” mode, evensubconsciously. But if you experience pain–sharp or burning or stinging or stabbing pain, not just pressure (which is normal)– that’s not good, and you should back off and try again later after moresmoochy times or even a good night’s sleep.

Male/amab bodies are somewhat easier to understandbecause much of their adaptation happens externally, and also it’s much moresocially discussed. The penis has a complicated system of tissues that trapthe increased bloodflow coming in, resulting in the enlargement and hardeningof the penis (this is called “erection,” or sometimes informally “getting hard”). It also triggers a production of lubrication, but this is muchless than is produced by the vagina. The male lubrication comes from theopening in the penis, which is called the urethra. (Yes, it is technically thesame tube and opening where urine comes from, but the body totally shuts offthe valve at the bladder for intercourse, so there is no risk of cross-contamination.)During this time, the testicles (most often called the balls, of course) arepreparing semen, which contains sperm and is a thick, viscous liquid. (Theprostate also helps in producing this liquid.) During male orgasm, the semen isexpelled from the same urethral opening mentioned above.

To define, orgasm is the point at which the bodypeaks in pleasure, and is generally the result of repeated physical stimulationto erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are the parts of the body that producesexual pleasure when stimulated. (For many people, this includes not only thegenitals, but the nipples as well.) Male orgasm is easy to identify because itis almost always accompanied by ejaculation (expulsion of the semen), butfemales also orgasm. During female orgasm, the muscles of the vagina anduterus repeatedly contract, which can’t be seen of course(leading folks in the past to believe women couldn’t orgasm).

So, a quick recap: you get all smoochy, then you get all handsy, then clothes come off somewhere in the smoochy and touchy phases, and then if youwant comes penetrative sex. This is the part most people are scared of, and hasthe potential to cause pain if you’re not ready mentally or physically (as inyour sexual response hasn’t yet kicked in all over your body).

I know this is kind of squirmy to say, but itmay actually take several tries (sometimes over several days) toactually “succeed” at penetrative sex, meaning that the penis can enterthe vagina without pain to the vagina-owner. It could also be difficult to findexactly where to put the penis, because generally penis-owners don’t know muchabout what they’re looking for (especially if you’re both virgins), andvagina-owners can’t see what’s going on. So keeping a sense of humor and a lineof communication is super important. Sex is WEIRD. It’s just weird and bizarrewhen you start thinking about it (at least to me, on the asexual spectrum), andacknowledging that and realizing that it won’t be some glamorous tangle oflimbs set to romantic music like on the TV is going to go a long way toward making your experience somuch more positive, and much less awkward.

Mentioned Worries

Re:not wanting it to be awkward. Luckily, it won’t have to be emotionally awkward or embarrassing if y’all go into it with the same expectations, and those expectations are realistic. There’s physical awkwardness, like how a box that’s not heavy but is weirdly shaped is “awkward,” and that’s going to happen no matter what because you’ve never had experience with how to do this sex thing, and you’re not sure where to put your limbs or how to move around another person. But what can be avoided is FEELING awkward, emotional awkwardness, and that’s done through having realistic expectations of what sex is and how it works, and of knowing that both of you are on the same page with this, and are interested in making it work for both of you.

You also mentioned being worried you won’t make your husband happy–I want you to knowboth that this is fine and a good desire (to make him happy), but that it’s not your responsibility to sexually please your husband, and sex is something for BOTH of you. It’s not all on you, it literally takes two to make itwork. Sex isn’t all about him; if it’s something you want to share in yourrelationship, it should be something you want to make work for you, as well as for him. So he has as much responsibility to you as you do to him, to be respectful of your boundaries especially as youfirst get introduced to sex, and to “take care of you” as much as you dofor him. Sex with a new partner is going to take trial and error indiscovering what you both like and dislike, and it’s okay and necessary to be vocal andsay “Please don’t do that” if you need to. I know that you WANT to make him happy, and that’s excellent, because hopefully he wants to do that for you, too! Just know that if sex is kind of weird at first, or y’all can’t quite figure out what’s up on night one, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a partner, that you let him down, or that you won’t be able to satisfy each other in the future (even the near future). Adjust expectations so that your first experience isn’t about having the most amazing sex you’ll ever have (more on that in a bit), but about discovering this new facet of your relationship together.

You also mentioned you were afraid of ithurting, and this is the most common fear about sex. You probably heard or readstuff about “breaking the hymen” or “tearing” or something like that.While some girls will have small tears in the hymen (the flap of skin thatsometimes partially covers the vaginal opening), a lot of girls won’t, and thisskin stretches as the physical sexual response (sometimes calledsimply “arousal”) progresses. It’s also less likely to tearor “break” during sex if you’ve used tampons before, because tampons sometimesactually rupture the hymen just by their nature. (This isn’t to say you shouldstart using tampons if you’re not comfortable, of course.) If the hymen doesrupture, you might experience a bit of bleeding, but it’s nothing a pad can’thandle (much MUCH less than a period, more like getting a small cut on yourarm). Sometimes you won’t notice a rupture til after sex if you’re really intoit, but you might also feel it or feel it about to start. If that happens and it hurts, bevocal and tell your partner to stop. You don’t have to hurt during sex, youdon’t owe that to anyone. In fact, you owe it to yourself to NOT endure painjust for someone else’s pleasure. So it might be worth talking to your fiancebeforehand and having a stop-word, which can literally just be “Stop.” Butboth of you should understand going into this that either one of you has the right tosay “no more” at any point.

It may also be worth considering getting somelubricant (”lube”) if you’re really worried about pain, because most pain comesfrom insufficient biological lubrication or insufficient stretching of thevaginal opening, and lube can help with both. Many people find it super fun toapply to each other, apparently, and it can certainly be useful when you’rejust starting out and both new to this idea. (also, if using a condom, lube is important because sometimes the material can irritate the sensitive skin of the vagina and labia) But the most important things youtwo can do for each other as you embark on this adventure together are to bewilling to voice your opinions and feelings, and also to take time to get toknow each others’ bodies and preferences. That’s more or less part of what the honeymoon is for.

Also, make sure you go to the gynecologistbefore you get married. It’s might be awkward or feel a bit embarrassing, but super important in making sureyou’re healthy for sex (just know that gyns do this for a living and have literally seen it all, so your body won’t be a big deal, and they aren’t judging you). And if you happen to have a problem like vaginismus(painful spasms or contractions of the vaginal opening that prevent anythingfrom entering, including tampons or medical equipment) or an obstructive hymen,the Gyn can tell you and help you with that. You can also ask them questions you have about sex, and some Gyns have tools you can use at home to “stretch” the vaginal opening (it’s not generally necessary and is more for psychological assistance than huge physical benefit, but some people who are truly small might actually need a bit of help there, so it’s up to you). You will also probably want birthcontrol, or to discuss options about birth control unless y’all are planning ona baby right away. (Also he should go to the doc and get a checkup, too, justto be safe, and if he’s ever had other sexual partners at any time in the past, he should get checkedfor STDs.)

The Big Important Thing to Remember

Please know:Wedding night sex isn’t going to be the best sex you’ll ever have ever. Cultures inwhich waiting is the expectation or norm (Christianity is the big one for this)tend to promote this idea that your wedding night will be a big amazing reward for waiting, and isgoing to be the most important and pleasurable sex you’ll ever have in your whole entire life and if it isn’t, you’ve done something wrong. It creates a huge amount of pressure surrounding what can already be an emotionally laden experience. But studies on sexual satisfactionshow that couples who have been together for years have the greatest levels ofsatisfaction. So please don’t go into it expecting that your first intercourseis going to make it or break it. It’s more than likely going to be a bit weird even though it will hopefully also be fun and pleasurable, but you’ll have better sex as time goes on and you get to know eachother and figure out what the heck you’re doing. 

Think of it this way: say you LOVE music, and have always wanted to play a piano. You’ve never gotten to be around a real piano before, but playing the piano is a lifelong dream. Are you going to expect yourself to be able to play Mozart the first time you walk into a room with a piano? No! That doesn’t mean that the experience of sitting down at a piano for the first time won’t be euphoric and a fulfillment of a dream, but you can’t go into it thinking or expecting that you’ll be a master the first time you touch the keys. Look at little kids meeting a piano– they just smash around on the keys and it sounds awful to US as adults who know what it “should sound like” and who might even know how to read music and play a bit, but that kid is having the time of their life experiencing the magic of music and of playing the piano. First having sex is like that. It probably won’t be perfect, and you may look back on it years down the road and kind of go “wow we were goofy and weird,” but it can still be fun as long as you aren’t expecting perfection going in. So no, your wedding night isn’t going to be The Objectively Best Sex Ever, and you probably won’t be quite sure what you’re doing and might even be kind of bad at it, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be nice and wonderful. You’re not doing something wrong if you aren’t over the moon with your first experience; it just means you have something even better to look forward to figuring out and experiencing together! Especially if both of you are virgins, you may have a bit of a time figuring out how things work, but that’s not a sign of failure. 

Plus, when you’ve been culturally surrounded by a narrative of taboo, it can feel mentally scary to suddenly engage in something that used to be off-limits in the biggest of ways. That’s why talking about it frankly is important (and why I have no problem with discussing sex in educational terms!), and why it’s important to discuss with your partner throughout y’all’s sexual life together.

Sex is messy, there’s fluids everywhere, people get sweaty, bodies are weird, and our brains are weird. But I hope knowing all this can help you feel a bit more prepared, and a bit more comfortable. I know this was long and a ton of info, but I’m super passionate about making sure people are educated thoroughly about this stuff, because I never knew any of it growing up. Our school lied to the state about sex-ed; we were supposed to have it, and they didn’t, but said they did. I never got the sex talk because I wasn’t interested in guys OR girls (I was ace and had no clue, another place education failed all of us), so my mom never told me anything about it. I learned a lot in college through classes and through academic research, and then more when I switched to health as a major (and became enraged that we don’t talk about this stuff!!). 

So I hope that despite being long-winded, it can be a useful reference, and hopefully put some worries to rest or at least take it down a notch. And do let me know if you have further questions, or if this was totally off the mark for what you were looking for!