#plus I’m great at spotting frogs when they’re on land even if they’re very very tiny

[laomelettedufromage]

Not to be a huge herp nerd but in Lbfad, they’ll occasionally have a frog chorus going in the night time nature scenes and they could very well be using East Asian frog calls (I know almost nothing about the herpetofauna of east Asia, let alone their frog calls) but it sounds like Pseudacris crucifer and Pseudacris maculata and so each time I’m like 👁👄👁 show me them

[tyrantisterror]

TT Blathers About Monster Hunter Stories

For thousands of years, people have come to my altar, desperately begging that I play Monster Hunter games, and for thousands of years I let my heart be hardened to their pleas.  Then this year Yaweh released the 11th plague: a Monster Hunter game that was also a Mons game, which is to say a game where you collect and raise various monsters to be your friends and allies, i.e. my favorite type of game ever conceived.  In that moment, I was doomed – I cannot resist a good Mons game, and god help me, this game was good.  I played the free demo four different times before the game finally came out, so thirsty I was to play it.  I had a fever, and the cure was Monster Hunter Stories.

From a story standpoint, it’s just kind of ok – fairly standard JRPG plot of saving the world from a vaguely supernatural ecological destruction, standard JRPG characters (Here’s your perky female childhood friend!  Here’s your angsty male childhood friend turned rival!  Here are the silly comedic villains!  Here’s the quirky sidekick!  Etc.), very formulaic across the board.  To its credit, the story DID manage to sell me on the whole setting of Monster Hunter in general – it helps that the titular hunters have a lot more sympathy for the titular monsters than you usually get in a “Heroes kill monsters” game, and that the storytelling really does want you to love these creatures even when you have to fight them. Still, it ain’t no Persona 4 by a long shot.  

But that’s fine, because the real appeal was raising all those lovely monsters, and oh, how fucking good that was.  Great gameplay goes a long way in this game, and while the story is by the numbers, the fights and monsters were ABOVE AND BEYOND.  Which is why I’ve decided to talk about EVERY SINGLE Monstie (i.e. catchable monster) in the game, even the ones I haven’t gotten to meet yet because Capcom hasn’t released their DLC yet.

So come with me as I spiral into madness and gush about some goddamn monsters.

Velocidrome (Goggle)

Redecos: Gendrome (Chopstix)

Goggle was the first monstie the game gave me, and as such has a special place in my heart even though he was quickly outclassed by everything around him.  A sweet, innocent creature, Goggle shepherded me around as I first discovered the world of Monster Hunter Stories.  His species is also a good introduction to the Caveman meets JRPG European Fantasy (with a dash of Sci-fi) aesthetics of the Monster Hunter games.  Like, yeah, on the surface he’s a dinosaur, but he’s also a brightly colored dragony dinosaur.  A dragonosaur.  Goggle is a treasure.

Later in the game you can get Gendromes, which are a slight retooling of the Velocidrome model.  I named mine Chopstix.

Aptonoth (Steakbone)

A big gnarly looking hadrosaur/ankylosaur hybrid, Aptonoths look far stronger than they actually are, being the rattatas of the Monster Hunter World.  There’s a lot of them, they go down in one hit, and after a point you just kind of avoid them because fighting them is mostly pointless.  And you know what, that’s fine.  I’m fine with letting these sweet creatures just wander and graze to their hearts’ content, safe from the attacks of my darling murder lizards.  Of course, sometimes the wild murder lizards eat them, but that’s just nature being a pre-programmed A.I. interacting with itself.

Steakbone was on my team for a long while because I had five open slots and not much to put them in.  She never saw combat.

Arzuros (Poobah)

A great big nasty bear, Poobah illustrates what I really came to love about Monster Hunter’s approach to monster design: almost everything in this world is part lizard.  Even the fuckin’ bears.  You look at this guy from a distance and think “That’s a bear,” but up close?  Up close to see all sorts of lizardy scales and other reptilian elements.  It’s a world of monsters where Lizard is the apex of evolution – like the Kanto region in Pokemon!  I love it. I absolutely love it.

Poobah was a beefy boy and I brought him into battle a couple of times, but he was quickly overshadowed by…

Yian Kut-Ku (Skittle)

Redecos: Blue Yian Kut-Ku (Sherbet)

Skittle and Sherbet are beautiful creatures of grace and goofiness, their bright colors reminding you of the radical 1990’s.  They look the way Capri Sun tastes.  Both were heavy hitters early in my game, quickly illustrating how poor Goggle would have a hard time later on when all their stats exceeded his while they were only half his level.  Sherbet in particular stuck on my team a long time, and I regard her quite fondly for the fights she put up in the hellish snow-encrusted hills before I finally got that de-frosting perfume or whatever the fuck it is you need to keep from freezing on that map.

Popo (Mutton)

Popos look like a sentient hairwad chewing on a wishbone.  So, y’know, pretty good for the Bidoofs of Monster Hunter.

Lagombi (Harvey)

You’re basically forced to have this fucking rabbit bear for the snow map, because he’s the only species you can get that can break rocks and is also involved in a cut scene that shows you how gene hybridization works.  It’s a goofy ass thing and one of the few monsters that doesn’t have much lizard in it, so points for fun and variety.  Harvey wasn’t my favorite and, unlike the movie/play character for whom he was named, didn’t really endear me to him as the game went on, but he is a giant rabbit with, like, a beak or something, so there’s that for you.

Bulldrome (Hamhock)

There’s some good bacon on this critter.  Mmm hmm.

Zamtrios (Belushi)

A giant shark-frog that can suddenly expand to the delight of fetishists everywhere, I felt there was no better name for this lovely creature than that of beloved 1980’s comedian John Belushi.  Belushi stuck around on my team for a while, and while he didn’t accomplish a lot during that time, I could always depend on him in a pinch if my stronger monsters got too roughed up.  His hopping animation was really fun despite being the opposite of helpful from a gameplay perspective.

Khezu (Akroyd)

Redecos: Red Khezu (Snausage)

These guys have to get the people who want nontraditional dragons, like, rock hard, right?  Giant phallus headed lamprey wyverns?  That’s what people like these days, right?  I like these guys just fine.  Akroyd was my stone wall for a while, having great HP and defense that allowed him to weather the nastiest of shit relatively unscathed. Snausage never quite came into his own, but to be fair, did he need to?  His name is SNAUSAGE.  Sometimes that’s all you need.

Apceros (Turtz)

I’m sincerely disappointed these guys weren’t viable fighters, because an ankylosaurus/turtle hybrid is a badass concept, and this design is a badass execution of it.  I would have been really tempted to use Turtz for the whole game if he didn’t have the survivability of a wet paper towel.

Royal Ludroth (Spengbab)

Redecos: Purple Ludroth (Koolaid)

I love most of the Ludroth family’s design, but that spongey neck just looks infected.  Every time I look at them I worry about whether or not I should take them to a clinic.  There’s gotta be, like, pus and shit in there, right?  Oh god.  Oh my poor sick lizards.  Oh no.

Gypceros (Plunger)

Redecos: Purple Gypceros (Grapekun)

Y’know, much has been made of the phallic nature of Khezu’s head/neck, but I honestly feel the horrible fleshy ovipositors on these guys is way more obscene.  They’re pretty fun monsters in their own right.  Not my favorite – they don’t hit my aesthetic sweet spots like some of the other monsters do – but they bring a wonderful variety to things.  However they’re also cheating fucks who use poison and blindness like cowards, and for that I bear a grudge.

Nerscylla (Vriska)

Redecos: Shrouded Nerscylla (Frosti)

I love these spiders and their adorable blankets.  I was sorely tempted to keep Vriska on my team, benching her only because she started getting roughed up too much about 2/3rds of the way through the game.  Not only does she have a lovely and endearing design, but her ability to put fuckers to sleep was so useful.  She and Frosti knit sweaters in my monster stables and regale the young monsters with stories of daring do.

Qurupeco (Honker)

Redecos: Crimson Qurupeco (Barry)

If you distilled the essence of, like, EVERY weird ass bird – not all birds, just the weird ass ones like toucans and pelicans and shit – and then mixed it with a wyvern, you’d get these guys.  They’re goofy as shit and really endearing even if they make battles take way longer than necessary by calling in reinforcements.  Plus Honker helped me get one of my best monsties in the end, so he’s alright.  You’re alright Honker.

Rathian (Clarent)

Redecos: Pink Rathian (Hrunting), Gold Rathian (Caliburn)

So early in the game, you escape the dreaded Ice Hell Wasteland Snow Zone into a beautiful green path of serene trees and flowers.  Sleeping on that path, surrounded by harmless Aptonoths, is a Sharkleberry Fin-pink ass dragon.  And deep down you know this is a trap.  It’s fucking sleeping.  You have to choose to fight it.  The game is setting you up.

“Fuck it,” you say, “I saved recently.  Let’s poke the bear.”

These fuckers were Monster Hunter Stories’ first taste of power, the first monster to make you realize that you are a puny ape made of meat and bone in a land of prehistoric dragonosauruses that would love to eat your goddamn guts.  God I love this heinous she-dragon, this haw-nosed viper-faced scorpion-tailed flying allosaurus. The game foreshadows pretty heavily that you’ll get one of your own at, like, the VERY beginning, so I didn’t bother putting Hrunting (my pink Rathian – I didn’t find the normal one until much later) on my team when I got her.  I mean, I actually couldn’t because the game was like “Yeah you got this egg but uhhhhh you are NOT ready for this responsibility” my man, but even though I knew it’d be alright, I still felt a twinge of regret.  There aren’t enough spaces on my team for TWO Raths, but Rathians, please know that Silver medals are high honors.

Also I’ll probably level you up for funsies once all my other monsties get to level 100 while I wait for the DLC.

Barroth (Caramel)

Redecos: Jade Barroth (Marzipan)

Caramel was the first monster I got who would stay all the way to the end of the story mode, and likewise became the first monster I raised to level 99.  Even just focusing on aesthetics, Caramel is wonderful.  Her design has the bonkers creativity and personality of an Ultra Man monster, with her giant pipe organ head and pangolin dorsal scutes.  And she likes mud baths!  What a lovely creature.  Caramel’s full name is Salted Caramel, because her ice genes make her look a little frosted, and because she’s the experienced veteran on my core team of monsters.

Diablos (Moloch)

Redecos: Black Diablos (Asmodeus)

A triceratops/therapod/pterosaur/Satan hybrid, Diablos is pretty fucking rad, and while it took me forever to get one of their fucking eggs, I still seriously considered raising one for my endgame.  I ultimately didn’t, but this is another monster that kinda neatly summarizes the basic rules of Monster Hunter’s monster design: take dinosaur parts, cobble together a dragon, and voila, you’ve got a pretty standard MH monster.

Tigrex (Nublar)

Redecos: Brute Tigrex (Sorna), Molten Tigrex (Winston)

Look, at the end of the day, I’m a pretty boring person when it comes to my personal tastes.  I like hamburgers with just ketchup on them – anything more and you can’t focus on the meat.  So when I say that Tigrex is my favorite monster in the game, please, please understand that I’m aware how boring that makes me.  I mean, I get it – it’s JUST a dragon with a T.rex head. But… but that’s so cool!  And it’s such a nice dragon with SUCH a NICE T.rex head! And it has this adorable animation when it wins where it snaps its jaws twice like “YEAH FUCK YOU YOU WANNA GO AGAIN GUESS NOT FUCKER I’M A T.REX AND A DRAGON WHAT ARE YOU YOU AIN’T SHIT IS WHAT YOU ARE CHOMP CHOMP MOTHERFUCKER CHOMP CHOMPITY CHOMP!”

Anyway I raised the three different Tigrexes all to a high level and used them all substantially throughout the game because they’re beautiful and adorable and badass and just my favorite ok?  Yes I know it’s one of the least creative designs in the bunch but goooooooooddddd it just works for me ok it just works.

1000/10 would raise more would raise entire team of tigrexes try and fucking stop me I’ll do it I’ll goddamn do it just try to stop me CHOMP CHOMP motherfuckers

Iodrome (Nedry)

I did a lot of level grinding in the volcano, and discovered that some of my monsters could send these fuckers running at the sight of me just by roaring.  It was delightful.

Basarios (Pebble)

Redecos: Ruby Basarios (Poprox)

These burly fellows look like they’d be a lot tougher than they are.  I mean, they can endure a lot of punishment, but their fights were never hardfought – just long.  They’re pretty neat for giant rock dragons.

Gravios (Nugget)

Redecos: Black Gravios (Licorice)

A bit tougher than Basarios (and apparently related to them? ), I still have trouble telling these two apart most of the time.  They’re nice. Decent geodudes.

Uragaan (Roundboy)

Y’know, everyone remembers the Ghost with the Most and Lydia, but Otho brings a lot of comedy to Beetlejuice too.  Like, he’s even more inexplicable and weird than all the dead people in that movie.  Otho should be more fondly remembered.

Like Caramel, Roundboy has a really fun design that once again has a distinctly Ultra Man-ish feel to me.  He also looks sort of like a hairbrush, but, like, a terrible one where the tines are too fat to properly help your hair.  I like him.

Great Jaggi (Newman)

Redecos: Great Baggi (Elvis)

I feel like the game knew these two were basically a waste of time because there’s, like, no promotional renders for them at all.  It’s kind of a shame because they’ve got lovely wicked raptor designs, but yeah they’re basically like Velocidromes in that they’re kind of useless, but unlike velocidromes you don’t get them until a point in the game where there is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT they will always be useless.  I feel bad for them.

Kecha Wacha (Seylmer)

Redeco: Ash Kecha Wacha (Vendor)

So… I’m not the only one who thinks this is the lovechild of Elmer and Seymore, right?  It wants to sell me sands and fruit.

Yian Garuga (Gothrox)

The goth cousin of the Yian Kut Kus, this creature manages to look kinda badass despite being derived from such goofy stock.  I can respect that.

Congala (Garbage)

Redecos: Emerald Congala (Dumpster)

From a design point, these punk rock hippo-gorillas are really cool, mixing a lot of disparate elements into a single creature.  On the other hand, every time I fought one they farted on me a lot, which did not endear me to them one bit.  I did not appreciate their south park humor.

Zinogre (Balto)

Redecos: Stygian Zinogre (Baskervill)

In recent Pokemon generations I’ve just been clinging to the few reptilian designs we get, no matter how far they are from y actual preferences for reptile monster designs, because more and more they are crowded out by goddamn mammals.  I imagine Zinogre here must be that for MH fans who also prefer mammal monsters to reptile ones – in a sea of lizards, here is a lizard that looks very much like a wolf!  It’s still a lizard though – like, it’s got a big long tail, and scales everywhere, and even a squatter stance than most mammals have – but dammit, it’s a wolf-ish lizard.

I think wolves are kinda neat, so if there had to be a super strong mammal-ish monster, they could do a lot worse than this one.

Nargacuga (Bagheera)

Redecos: Green Nargacuga (Swampcat)

Basically a panther dragon, Nargacuga is another strong more-mammal-y-than-normal monster from the later part of the game, and it’s a pretty fucking rad one.  It was hard not to have a grudge against them at first because of the, uh, opening cutscenes of the game, but since the game hammers in the idea that we can’t blame these wild animals for their actions, I grew to love my sweet panther dragons.  They’re frail as fuck though, so sadly I didn’t get much use out of them, but I love them nonetheless.

Rathalos (Ratha)

Redecos: Azure Rathalos (Durendal), Silver Rathalos (Excalibur)

Ok, so, you automatically get a Rathalos about halfway through the story, and the story really rides upon you making the Rathalos your favorite.  Which, in turn, kinda inspires a bit of rebelliousness on your part – especially when other monsters have been with you longer (Caramel) or endeared themselves to you more (Nublar/Sorna/Winston).  Also they don’t let you nickname your Rathalos yourself – your stuck with the shitty nickname one of the NPCs gave him instead. Ratha?  Ratha?  I know I could do better than that.

Like Rathian, Rathalos is a badass theropod bodied, scorpion tailed, hawk/viper faced wyvern, all of which gets blended seamlessly into a really unique and expressive design. This is basically the mascot monster of the series, right?  A good choice.  Definitely more creative than a simple dragon with a T.rex head.  A good choice.  I’m sure some might argue the better choice.

…

Anyway I love the various Rathaloses I’ve raised, and like Tigrexes I raised one of each subspecies up to pretty high levels.  They’re great monsters.  Probably in my top ten of the ones listed here.  Maybe even top five.  Just… just not my favorite.  I’m sorry Ratha, but you should have let me name you.

Lagiacrus (Ogopogo)

Redecos: Ivory Lagiacrus (Inverness)

It’s a crocodile… and a cobra… and a sea serpent… I love it.  I love this design.  Of all the monsters I planned to put on my team, I was most excited for Ogopogo here. Like, if I had to pick a favorite monster on design alone, it would be this guy.  Ogopogo struggled to make her mark in combat though, being kind of middle of the road – not super hard hitting, not super durable, just kind of alright everywhere.   She wasn’t as quirky as the others either.  I still love her though, and I’ve been toying with her genes to see if I can help her make her mark.  She’s probably just a late bloomer – it’ll be her time to shine soon, you’ll see.

Deviljho (Corncob)

I have heard tales of the Deviljho for as long as I have heard people telling me I should play Monster Hunter games – which is to say a long ass time.  Feared by all, the mighty deviljho is an unstoppable murder beast that arrives when you least expect it.

At least, that’s what the legends say.  In Monster Hunter Stories I had to seek out this son of a bitch.  SEVERAL TIMES.  Me and Honker spent an entire fucking night just farming these bastards, beating up Jho after Jho in a desperate attempt to get its precious egg.  Eventually our efforts bore fruit, and sweet Corncob was born.

A plucky, chunky pickle skinned child, Corncob worried me at first – she seemed frailer than my Tigrexes and didn’t hit as hard, and I feared she might have to be benched for her own sake.  After finishing story mode, though, she really came into her own.  With the help of some gene re-arranging and some level grinding, Corncob has become a juggernaut – beefier than Caramel and harder hitting than all save Winston the Molten Tigrex.  Corncob isn’t the average monster warrior – she has become the legend, the legend that you fear.  She is the legendary super monster – the Deviljho!

Anyway, Corncob may be my second favorite monstie.  She’s just the sweetest little murdersaurus.

Barioth (Varney)

Redecos: Sand Barioth (Carmilla)

The third mammal-ish reptile, Barioth looks pretty cool.  I mean, it’s a sabre tooth cat’s head on a standard MH style wyvern body, you can’t fuck that up really.  If MH didn’t offer so many other monsters that were far more lizard-y, I’d probably use it.  It’s right there in that later-gen Pokemon category of “I guess this will do” monster design.  If I were dying of thirst, Barioth, you would be my water in the desert.  But there’s fresh water aplenty here, soooooo yeah.

Brachydios (Bajablast)

Originally I had no intention of using Bajablast, since the design seemed a little overdone to me – like it was trying to hard to be EVEN MORE badass than other monsters.  But goddamn did Bajablast win me over!  Not only does she have the best kinship attack animation in the game, but she’s a durable, hard hitting worker – not the best fighter on my team, but a consistently reliable one.  After giving her water genes that complement her fire resistant nature, Bajablast is both a thirst quencher AND an explosive attacker – she truly does the Dew.

Kirin (Amalthea)

Redecos: Oroshi Kirin (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)

While on the outside Kirin looks like just a horse with a horn, on closer inspection you’ll find it also has a weird old man face, and that’s creepy in a fun way.  A perfectly acceptable horse monster.  Kirin is an “Elder Dragon,” which research tells me is MH code for “Boss Monster” or “Legendary Pokemon,” so I guess that’s why you have to wait until the postgame to get one.

Monoblos (Belphegor)

Redecos: White Monoblos (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)

Monoblos is like Diablos but with a less cool looking head.  So there’s that for you. It feels kind of underwhelming to get this guy in the postgame, to be honest – it’s just Diablos with a less cool head.  But it gives you something to do, and I’d rather wait for this than, say, sweet, dear Corncob.

Seregios (Pinecone)

Like Monoblos, this monster felt kind of underwhelming as a post-game critter – it’s another wyvern, neat – but at least it’s a cool and unique design, with its backwards scales and pissed off rooster face.  Sir Reggie O’s is ok in my book.

Great Poogie (Baconbit)

If you find 100 pigs in the game you get a really big pig that you can ride and it’s kind of a joke on you for working so hard to find a bunch of useless fucking pigs, but on the other hand you can ride on a pig and it’s hilarious.  Just… just imagining a person choosing to ride on a pig instead of dragons and bears and shit is hilarious.

Epona (un-nickname-able, but I would have called him Bojack)

There’s a DLC tournament you can fight in to get a fucking horse.  Just… just a horse.  Just a normal goddamn horse.  You don’t even get to name the horse because fuckin’ Zelda beat you to it.  Excuse me, princess, I wanted to name this horse off an alcoholic sitcom star with clinical depression!  Fuckin’ dream killing horse.

THE UNRELEASED DLC MONSTERS

Rajang (Unreleased – thinkin’ of calling it Vegeta)                    

Every time I’ve fought one of these apes has been a fuckin’ nightmare. I am terrified of them.  I am scared of these goddamn dirty pawed apes.   I want to raise one just so I can get over my fear.

Kushala Daora (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)

The closest the game comes to, like, the iconic European dragon – I mean, let’s be honest, if you think “Dragon,” you think “lizard with four legs and two wings”, right?  If we’re being honest here?  Right?

Oddly, I’m less enthused by this guy than I felt I would be.  It actually makes me understand where all the “reptilian dragons are boring!” people are coming from.  It could use just a bit more weirdness.

Teostra (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)

So here’s a dragon that is also a lion.  Neat.

Glavenus (Unreleased, but will be named Razzlberri)

Every week I hope and pray that the game gets the DLC that lets me have my sweet, dear, beautiful Razzlberri.  As of this writing, my prayers remain unanswered.

TT’s Top Ten Favorite Monsties So Far (in no particular order)

Nublar/Sorna/Winston (Tigrex and its variants)

Corncob (Deviljho)

Caramel (Barroth and its variants)

Ogopogo (Lagiacrus and its variants)

Bajablast (Brachydios)

Ratha/Durendal/Excalibur (Rathalos and its variants)

Clarent/Hrunting/Caliburn (Rathian and its variants)

Razzlberri (Glavenus - yeah I know it hasn’t been released yet but look at it)

Vriska/Frosti (Nerscylla and its variants

Moloch/Asmodeus (Diablos and its variants)

[queenofairandsnarkness]

telling tales

(Or how Arya Stark got a rep in SHIELD.)

(Set in the same universe as Friends and Family Discount.)

one.

For a secret agency devoted to dealing with the weird and wondrous, SHIELD… did not have a lot of people with powers.

At least, not that Arya could tell. Lots of people didn’t like being obvious about it, though, so if they could keep it secret, more power to them.

But it also meant that a lot of people were going by, as far as she could tell, horror movies and D&D monster manuals.

It was just embarrassing.

“Why are we eliminating this guy?” she asked Roz Solomon, who was fairly reliable, if mad about environmental science. They were trying to track a vampire who was trading in illegal goods- mostly hybridized weapons, though there was suspicions about some old, magical artifacts that Mal Hightower wanted in her archives. They’d present an answer, and see if it matched with the actual field agents.

“He’s out in the sun,” Hot Pie said. He had a real name, but no one really remembered it. Maybe if he didn’t get dead in a few years, Dolorous Edd had said.

“Vampires can go out in the sun,” Arya said, trying not to sound annoyed. “He’s not new, and they just can’t shapeshift in the sun. He’s working with plants and transporting a lot of dirt through customs, it could be a good way for him to set up a network of safe houses to rest.”

They looked at her.

“Check him out,” Hot Pie said, finally. “How do you know this shit?”

Arya wondered if it would be silly to admit she wrote a term paper on Dracula.

Two.

“I hate everything.” Roz was binding up a weeping section of her arm. “I’m an environmentalist, not a firefighter!”

“I don’t think firefighters would be a good idea right now,” Edd said, with a sigh. “The gear would cut down on agility. Of course, without it, we have to deal with burns and claws.”

Arya peeked her head up, looking at what she really hoped weren’t miniaturized Balrogs. There were three of them, sniffing along the street and leaving the smell of burning asphalt in their wake.

Her brothers would be wildly jealous, if they ever heard about it. Which they couldn’t, but Arya could imagine their expressions. That wasn’t a bad thing.

She took a deep breath in, held it until the three were almost in a tight triangle, and then exhaled, thinking cold thoughts.

The thick layer of frost over them was satisfying, at least until it steamed and cracked off. Arya pulled her head back quickly.

“That was both the most amazing and most disappointing thing I’ve ever seen,” Hot Pie said. Roz stepped on his foot.

“They have solid spots now,” Roz pointed out. “Think you can focus it all in a line?”

Arya nodded. She’d practiced that in secret, since Mom was… a bit overprotective. For good reason, but Arya hadn’t actually told anyone she was going to apply for SHIELD for a reason.

She took in a deep breath and focused, launching a needle-thin lance of ice at the closest lava monster. Once it landed, right in the gut, she poured more in, thickening it.

It froze and shattered, right in two.

“Now, that better not leave us with four of them,” Edd said.

It didn’t, but Agent Morse and her liquid nitrogen were very much welcomed.

The fact that the Frozen jokes never ended? Not so much.

three.

Oh, god, Arya thought, trying not to snicker when she saw a familiar figure bent over a corpse.

Being fair, Rhaenys was a medical examiner, and the corpse was on a… was it a gurney or an autopsy table, Arya could never remember? She had her gloves and scrubs on, though, and looked up with an annoyed expression that always reminded Arya of a Hobbit deprived of dinner somehow and was uncannily similar to Jon whenever he was confronted with social demands.

(Look, Arya’s brain was weird. She got that. But Sansa and Bran had blinked and started cackling like lunatics when she’d told them, so clearly she was right.)

“Can I help you?” she asked, before noticing Arya. “Hello, squirt. How’s the family?”

“Mom and Dad are away on their anniversary,” Arya said, “and Sansa isn’t dating, plus Rickon hasn’t gotten in a fight in two weeks, so pretty quiet.”

Rhaenys smiled. Hot Pie gave a slightly strangled noise, and Arya snorted. Rhaenys clearly wasn’t interested in being polite. “Lyanna’s off in somewhere with snow, and Jon is dating, though he won’t say who. Aegon is… I’m not entirely sure, so I should probably be worried. Now, why are you visiting me at work?”

“There’s a dead man we’re interested in,” Arya admitted. “Beric Dondarrion?”

“Ah, him,” Rhaenys frowned. “Very strange. I think I read something in the Dragonstone library, but you can smell the smoke, right?”

Arya raised her eyebrows. “I put oil under my nose. I heard your stories.”

“Well, this one didn’t have a chance to rot,” Rhaenys said, before picking up a scalpel. “Which is peculiar.”

“Strange, even?” Arya liked the creepy wizard, who had saved Bran’s butt. But the puns. Also the betting pool. Agent Morse shot Arya a curious look, which meant she probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, but Rhaella Targaryen would probably be able to shield Rhae from, well, SHIELD.

Or cranky Nymeria Sand, who argued that no one was allowed to torment Rhae about her bad choices but family. Given the fact that Nymeria might have been better than the Black Widow with knives, and hiding knives, Arya really didn’t think anyone argued.

Rhaenys stuck out her tongue. “He’s not involved, munchkin. I think we’ve got a necromancer, though, so if I say run...?”

“Run like hell, making sure you come with me, so I don’t get dead or frogged,” Arya said, grinning. “Depending on who finds me first.”

“Be fair, Aegon would probably just make you think you are a Yorkie,” Rhaenys teased.

The debriefing, which involved a lot of “What the hell, why didn’t you mention your not-quite-cousin was kind of… an enchantress? Is that the term?” and Arya trying to explain that Rhae was not, as a whole, good with people, not getting to hide in her work, and hurting people.

Rhaenys might have gotten the good hot chocolate with the recruiter that came to her door anyway.

Four.

“So,” Hot Pie asked, and Arya bit back a groan. That expression meant nothing good. “Are you related to Iron Man?”

The man himself was at the other end of the lab, having a cranky discussion with someone Arya thought was Sarella Sand and Agent Hope. Which was alarming? Ish. Meh, probably a two on the alarm scale, really.

“Not that I’m aware of,” Arya said, without thinking. “The family tree gets… snarled a bit once you go like four generations back. Sansa’s better with that stuff.”

She pulled out a yo-yo and started doing simple tricks. They weren’t quite on babysitting duty, and she’d prefer braining someone with a heavy yo-yo to the headache of shooting the tech.

Of course that caught Tony Stark’s attention.

“Bored, short stuff?” he called over. He’d made a few offhand comments, which made him better than most of their guard duty jobs, but the nicknames were stupid.

“Depends,” Arya said, choosing not to comment on the fact that she was pretty sure he was wearing lifts, “are you going to make something explode?”

“Not yet,” Tony Stark said, grinning. “You’re the Elsa of the little agents, aren’t you?”

Arya grinned and thought about the fact that Sansa was probably taller than him in flats. Hell, he was probably not more than an inch taller than Rhae. “I can make it snow over your head, yeah.”

He didn’t believe her until she actually did it, which over course was when Dr. Banner and the Deputy Director came in.

She made the Hulk laugh! Which was great. Also, she was pretty sure Deputy Director Hill was smiling at the sight of Iron Man trying to get a sudden fall of snow out from under his collar.

 Five.

She wasn’t even working.

She’d just agreed to babysit her tiny little nephew on her afternoon off, which she was regretting the moment she’d come into the apartment and Robb said she was a good sport and Mom was getting tired.

(Probably not actually tired, Arya guessed. More like Robb not being accurate about when he could pick up Rickard, since Jeyne’s shifts were kind of awful.)

Then the creepy mechanical spiders started attacking all down the street, and she had to pull out her phone, a toddler on her hip.

“Stark, aren’t you…” Agent Morse stopped at the sound of lasers. She was good that way, even if she was more than slightly crazy.

“At least a dozen mechanical spiders,” Arya said. “They have lasers, and one might have a machine gun turret. I could freeze that one, but I have a two year old with me.”

“The mouthiest Stark is in the city,” Bobbi said, finally. “I can probably get him, he’s good at quick. Barton, too.”

“Please,” Arya said. “My brother isn’t going to be happy.”

“Well, I don’t think they’re after you specifically,” Morse said, the sound of tapping in the background. “At least, not yet.”

“Seriously, freezing them?” Arya said. They were pretty close, but Arya didn’t think they could reach the third floor the apartment was in.

“Backup should be there within five minutes,” was Agent Morse’s non-answer.

Arya froze the one with a machine gun, causing sparks that were quickly smothered. The resulting iceball was about as big as the nearest car, and she went back to the kitchen, both for cover and because she needed aspirin.

The news didn’t know who froze the spider, and Iron Man and Hawkeye got the flashy stories, but even though it wasn’t her fault Robb had a mad scientist for a neighbor, she was pretty sure this was her last time babysitting.

[robbieinterviews]

Margot Robbie ‘my dating life is nowhere near as exciting as the tabloids make it out’, 2015

IF Margot Robbie had a dastardly plan for this article to begin with a reference to her munching on a chocolate bar, I surrender. Drumroll, please. The following is an official ‘documented instance of public eating’ (coined ‘DIPE’ by a Hollywood publicist).

We’re sitting in a room at the uber-cool Crosby Street Hotel in New York’s Soho and Robbie’s working her way through the treat, the detritus from her fruit salad and a pot of tea between us. “Do you want some chocolate?” she says in her warm, slightly husky, very Aussie voice. “It’s so good. It’s Lindt – the real deal.”

Maybe she is angling for the glossy men’s mag specialty of describing slender female actors enjoying high-calorie food to demonstrate how effortlessly they maintain their hotness. Or perhaps she has the metabolism of a busy 24-year-old and likes chocolate? In any case, however she is approaching her blistering post-Wolf of Wall Street ascension, it’s working.

Today, the former Neighbours star is promoting the romantic comedy Focus, in which she plays Jess, a wannabe hustler eager to learn from Nicky (Will Smith), the best in the business. She also has a number of other film projects under her belt, including Tarzan (she plays Jane opposite Alexander Skarsgård’s Tarzan) and Z for Zachariah, where she’s part of a post-apocalyptic love triangle with Chris Pine and Chiwetel Ejiofor.

The sexually charged role of Naomi, the ‘Duchess of Bay Ridge’, in Wolf – Martin Scorsese’s 2013 adaptation of the autobiography of epically crooked stockbroker Jordan Belfort, played by Leonardo DiCaprio – was Robbie’s big break in Hollywood.

A month after saying goodbye to Ramsay Street and heading to Los Angeles, the Gold Coast-raised blonde landed a role alongside Christina Ricci in the 2011 TV series Pan Am, but it was cancelled after one season because of low ratings. The silver lining was, of course, that instead of being tied up filming network TV, Robbie could throw her hat in the ring for <Wolf>, a role every hot young thing in Hollywood was gunning for. Although she also landed a part in the Richard Curtis movie About Time (2013), it’s Robbie as Naomi, pushing her stiletto into a helpless DiCaprio’s face, simpering in her spot-on Brooklyn accent, that is seared into everyone’s minds.

Does she have time to reflect on the ways her life has changed? “I honestly don’t,” she says. “It’s not until I do interviews… where someone points it out or puts it so explicitly, that I’m like, ‘Yeah, wow, it’s crazy and bizarre.’ Initially when people ask me that, I say, ‘No, life hasn’t really changed that much.’ And they’ll ask, ‘But are there paparazzi?’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, that’s crazy.’ And they’re like, ‘You’ve been to the Oscars?’ And I say, ‘That’s crazy, too.’ So yeah, life’s actually changed a lot, but I [haven’t noticed] because the changes have been implemented gradually.”

Like the proverbial frog in boiling water? “Yep, good analogy,” she laughs. “That’s exactly what it’s like. I’m guessing the frog dies at the end of that one but, ah, we won’t get to the ending. So, things have changed and gotten crazy, but I guess when things are so fast-paced, you’re just trying to keep in step with it all. My focus has just been on keeping up to speed.”

Has she been offered other sex-bomb roles since Wolf? Is there an expectation she’ll do nudity now? She nods. “You hit the nail on the head. There have been a lot of assumptions since then that I’ll do nudity in every film, which I really don’t want. It’s not that I’m for nudity, or against it. It’s just that I don’t think it’s necessary to put it in the film for shock value. In The Wolf of Wall Street, there needed to be shock value. [Naomi] needed to come out naked for him to stop and be, ‘Whoa!’ It was in context.”

When she’s not doing the movie-star thing – filming in far-flung locations, looking glamorous on red carpets and being linked to A-list actors in the tabloids – Robbie keeps it real. Her home base is a London share-house, where she finds herself stepping over the many houseguests that crash at her place.

“Three of the housemates are boys,” she says. “We thought we could keep the house clean on our own. Turns out, we can’t, so we try to get a cleaner in once a week, [but] it’s still an absolute pigsty. We have so many friends staying with us. There are five of us living there, but most of the time there are about eight people sleeping there, and then on weekends, sometimes you wake up and there are 11 people. We’ve got that house with the revolving door; it’s the best. I love it so much.”

One of her flatmates is childhood friend Sophia Kerr, who now works as her assistant. She’d been going to events as Robbie’s ‘plus one’ and generally being helpful during the madness of getting ready – letting stylists in, fetching Diet Cokes and organising drivers. One night, before the Empire Awards last year (where she was named Best Female Newcomer), Robbie remarked to her friend that she was “really good at this”, and Kerr replied: “This is what I do for a job, remember? I’m a team assistant.”

Robbie continues: “Then a couple of months later, they tell me, ‘So, we’re hiring your assistant for Tarzan. Can you come in and interview people?’ And I say, ‘Actually, I already have someone.’

‘Great,’ they say, ‘bring them in.’

And we’re both thinking [Robbie leans forward conspiratorially], ‘Are we allowed to do this?’ And now Sophia works for me full-time as my assistant.”

It sounds like the plot of the HBO comedy (created by and starring Emily Mortimer) Doll & Em, I say. “I know!” says Robbie. “Everyone’s told us about it. Like, ‘It’s you two!’ But it’s great getting to hang out with your best friend all the time. Plus, she’s literally born for this job. She’s so good.”

In the TV series, the boss-employee dynamic puts a serious strain on the friendship. Have the pair experienced similar issues, with Robbie becoming a bit of a diva and Kerr having to knock her down a few pegs? “No, but a couple of times, if I’ve been upset over something, she’ll say, ‘Hey, it’s not that big a deal.’ And I’m like, ‘Yep, you’re right, it’s not.’”

So, she thinks their friendship will survive? “It has so far,” says Robbie. “It’s like the most perfect friendship and work relationship. It’s solid.”

Another important person in her life is her boyfriend, Englishman Tom Ackerley, who she met when he was working as an assistant director on her upcoming wartime drama Suite Française. Fresh from my pre-interview Google of Robbie, where I found photos of the pair at a Rangers game the previous night, I recognise Ackerley waiting for the lift on my way up to meet her.

“Oh, no way!” she says, smiling. “He must be heading out.”

He’s very cute, I add. Well done.

“My grandma said the same thing,” Robbie laughs, describing their recent meeting in Australia. “She said, ‘Isn’t he handsome?’ and I said, ‘He’s right here, you can stop speaking about him as if he’s not right here.’ She was very cute. And then she says, ‘And he’s so tall.’ I was like, ‘Again, stating the obvious, and he’s still right here. Moving on!’ It was very funny.”

With different filming schedules, it must be difficult for them to be in the same place at the same time.

“Yeah, I mean, this is a rare occasion where he could actually get away from work in between jobs, but it’s so hard,” she explains. “There’s so much travelling. I don’t know how anyone makes a relationship work [like this], to be honest.”

Lots of Skype?

“Yep, lots of Skype.”

Robbie had better get used to being in demand. Her performance in Z for Zachariah, as a resourceful farmer’s daughter, left alone and struggling for survival, created a lot of buzz at the recent Sundance Film Festival. It prompted this observation by Vanity Fair’s film critic Richard Lawson: “But for all its quiet graces, all its human sighs and insights, the film loses a critical amount of weight as it gradually sidelines the wonderful woman created by Margot Robbie. Who, it should be said, is now a movie star. As far as I’m concerned, anyway.”

But back to Focus, the film we’re here to talk about. It’s a rom-com in the charming guise of a classic crime caper. Robbie’s co-star, Smith, is 22 years her senior – something I had to double-check because he’s so ripped, it’s hard to believe he’s 46.

“I know!” she says. “Like, honestly. That body. Twentysomething-year-olds couldn’t achieve that body. It’s absurd.”

I reel off a list of her other co-stars, all playing her love interest, and their ages: DiCaprio, 40; Pine, 34; Ejiofor, 37; Skarsgård, 38. These are good examples of the enduring Hollywood dynamic of the older man playing the romantic lead opposite a much younger woman. Is that something Robbie’s thought about? Does it concern her at all?

“Not… really,” she says. “Because I didn’t even know Alex’s age until you just said it. I think when the dynamic works, it just works, and you can have two people at the exact same age and they don’t have chemistry.

“If someone said, ‘Margot Robbie and Will Smith,’ you’d be like, ‘No, that would never happen.’ Then we go in the [audition] room and it’s like, ‘Oh, they’ve got a great rapport.’ So who knows? But, no, it doesn’t concern me specifically. I think, at the end of the day, age is just a number. It’s like in real life, I’ve got friends who are dating someone their age or dating someone who’s twice their age, and they’re equally in love.”

It could also be a testament to her maturity that she can pull it off convincingly, I suggest.

“Oh, well, I hope so,” she says with a laugh. “Both Will and Leo said they read with a couple of other girls and they both said, ‘The other girls seemed a little scared of me. You didn’t seem scared.’ And I was like, ‘No, I just wanted to get the scene.’”

Robbie also slapped DiCaprio in her audition, which doesn’t exactly scream intimidated.

“Yeah, I think that helped,” she laughs. “And I called Will a dick in the middle of the scene [an ad-lib that ended up in the finished movie]. Acting 101: just abuse your co-stars and you’ll get the job.”

Another thing Robbie is going to have to get comfortable with is tabloid speculation about her love life. She’s been linked to DiCaprio, took to Twitter to deny “ridiculous” rumours of an affair with Smith and, not long after our interview, People magazine asked, ‘Is Romance Blooming Between Alexander Skarsgård and Margot Robbie?’ after they were pictured together at Sundance parties.

“And, recently, me and Orlando [Bloom],” Robbie adds when I mention DiCaprio and Smith.

“Honestly, my dating life according to the tabloids is very exciting, and the most hilarious thing is that it’s nowhere near as exciting as the tabloids have ever made it out to be.”

At least she can live vicariously through her tabloid self?

“Yes… That Margot in the tabloids, she is absolutely killing it in the dating world,” she laughs. “No, I made a conscious decision to avoid dating, not just actors, but anyone with a profile, because it’s added attention. If people are talking about me, I want it to be because of the work I’m doing and not the person I’m seeing. Which sucks because it totally takes away the credibility of [the film]. For example, the rumours about Leo. We were making a really great film and it’s overshadowed by the fact everybody’s like, ‘They’re together.’ Why can’t you just say, ‘They’re making a really cool film’? Get excited about the film, you know? It sucks.”

And, as she’s not a model, it’s very unlikely that he would date her anyway, I point out helpfully.

“Yes, exactly,” she laughs. “I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, so it’s a silly rumour to begin with.”

Rumours aside, the interesting thing about Robbie isn’t who she is or isn’t dating. It’s the fact she can continually hold her own, both in auditions and onscreen, with some of Hollywood’s finest talent. Often stealing the scene. She seems to have a knack for putting her stamp on things.

“I keep waiting for someone to pull me up and be like, ‘You can’t do that; you can’t just behave like that and hit people and swear at them,’” she says, laughing. “[But] so far it seems to be working.”