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slothspaghettiwrites · 4 years

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11. Cruising

Cruising - Sleepless in Stark Towers

Story Rating: Explicit, 18+ only

Warnings: anxiety, college stress, hurt/comfort, horrible parents, panic attacks, poor proofreading

Relationships: Tony Stark x Plus Size!Reader/OFC

Word Count: 3,132

Summary: The weekend is over. Tony drives you back to campus.

A/N: Am I the only with parents like this? 😅

<< 10. The Talk | 12. Couples Costumes >>

Steve and I exchanged phone numbers before I left on Monday.

Notorious SGR- Confirming you got my number Queenie.

You- yes 🤠

You- here is the recipe for those cookies

Now that Bucky was done creating a melodrama out of my life, it was a lot easier being around him. I wasn't sure why it was easy to connect with the super soldiers. On one hand, it could be because Indiana might as well still be living in the 30s or 40s with the state's religious and moral values. On the other hand, it could be because the other Avengers just really scared me.

When I was making breakfast on Sunday morning after Tony had gone to bed, Clint erupted from a vent in the ceiling, causing me to scream bloody murder, waking up everyone on that floor. Not only did I throw a bowl of fruit at him out of terror, but everyone else laughed. I assumed it was at me. I no longer trust Clint.

Later in the afternoon, when I was exiting Peter's room with my backpack of supplies to work in Tony's lab, Natasha cornered me. She demanded I tell her why Tony was following me on Instagram. I didn't know, I just posted my art and occasionally some memes on my stories. I wasn't special enough to be the one person he followed, if you asked me.

She then offered to kill my ex in a graphic and excruciatingly painful way for what he did to me. I never want to be on Natasha's bad side.

On Monday morning, when I emerged from the lab just before dawn, having fallen asleep on the couch and cuddled by Tony, Thor's booming voice filled the living area. He was watching highlights from the weekend's college football games. Apparently, he was very into sports, and well, when IU's game came on, he shouted and snarled at the TV like a wild animal. I didn't have the courage to tell him that not only was my dad the head coach, but my ex was also the rookie second-string offensive lineman they had playing this weekend. HIS EYES WERE GLOWING OKAY?! I'm scared Thor will electrocute me.

So yeah, when I wasn't working on my projects or homework in the lab with Tony, I hung out with Peter, Steve, or Bucky. They were safe, even if they could crush me with one hand. The four of us built another Lego set, this time a model of the Apollo 11 Lunar Lander rocket. Steve and I mostly talked about art while the other two did the building and talked about space exploration and sci-fi while they worked.

Shortly after dinner, I made the move to leave. Laundry wasn't going to do itself and I didn't want to be around everyone when I finally worked up the nerve to look at my midterm grades. I'd gotten the email late on Thursday evening and like anything stressful in my life, I was avoiding it. It had been wonderful forgetting for a weekend that I was a student and the stresses and demands that came with that. But reality was going to come knocking soon, and I preferred to be prepared for it.

Tony offered to drive me back.

I wasn’t going to say no to more time with him. Come on, I’m not that much of a dumb meatball.

Peter was though.

He could not have been more oblivious. Or maybe he was purposefully being a little shit. He’d seen the hickey on my neck. He must know. How else does someone get a little oval bruise on their neck?

“Oh, I’ll come with you guys then. Aunt May says she wants me to get a good night’s sleep instead of patrolling tonight,” he smiled, duffel bag of dirty clothes hanging from his hand with his backpack draped across the opposite shoulder.

He was already in the elevator, waving goodbye to the other Avenger’s before I could think of a good excuse to make him take the subway or web himself home. The three of us stood together in silence as we rode down to the basement level of the tower. I didn’t even know this place had a basement.

When doors opened to reveal a long line of shiny, expensive looking cars, I couldn’t hold in the low expletive that came out. Tony squinted at them before scanning his thumbprint next to a small case on the wall. The metal door swung open and revealed rows of keys. He plucked a set of keys from a hook then looked at us.

“Are you going to fight over who gets to sit shotgun?”

“What?” Peter scoffed, shuffling on his feet towards the cars.

“Yes,” I said at the same time, already clipping the chest strap on my backpack closed.

“I can feel myself going gray,” Tony muttered, clicking the unlock button for a car seven spaces away.

I sprinted to the car, but not before casting a glance over my shoulder at Tony, who had a smirk on his face at our antics. Peter won, easily. The passenger seat already pulled forward for me to slide in the cramped back seat of the sports car when I slowed to a jog, huffing and grumbling at him for cheating.

“We can find a spider to bite you if you want,” he suggested.

“Jesus,” I groaned climbing in. “Don’t even think about that spooky spider shit fam.”

“You’re such a scared cat,” Click, shove, close. “What are your plans for Halloween this year?”

“Same as every year since I was told I couldn’t go trick or treating, watching The Addams Family.”

“You could at least watch a scary movie,” Peter turned around to face me.

“You’re both coming to the party,” Tony slid smoothly into the driver’s seat.

"What party?" I asked, buckling up and trying to pretend like I'd been to any kind of party that wasn't hosted by my dad's side of the family.

"Seriously?" Peter grinned at him like it was Christmas morning.

"Yeah, May was cool with it since it's a Saturday night."

"Can I bring MJ? We have a couple's costume."

Ever the hyperactive puppy, Peter practically bounced all the way out of Manhattan, excitedly explaining his and MJ's costume. That didn't stop me from thinking Tony drove a bit like a maniac. I couldn't decide if it was because of the sports car or because he wanted to show off, but I decided I wanted it to stop. It's not a race, we're stuck in traffic at the bridge anyway.

"You drive like a bat outta hell," I commented as he gunned it onto the expressway.

"This is how New Yorker's drive."

"You drive like a grandma," Peter accused me.

"The speed limit is there for a reason," I poked his shoulder.

"So you could teach Pete to drive?"

"I don't have a death wish, Tony," I leaned forward, resting my cheek on the shoulder of Peter’s seat. “I see why you have a driver though.”

We dropped Peter off shortly after that comment. I climbed out of the back seat, knowing Tony was getting a full view of my ass and only caring a little bit. We exchanged a quick hug and I promised to come over for dinner soon before school got way too busy. As I was climbing back in, I noticed how people stared at the car.

“What kind of car is this?” I asked, buckling myself in as Tony peeled on to the street.

“It’s an Audi R8,” he placed a hand on my thigh, just above my knee. “This alright?”

“People were looking at it, I don’t know cars,” I placed my hand on top of his, keeping it on my leg.

“What kind of car do you drive?”

“I drove a 2007 Ford Ranger, but I sold it before I moved. College is expensive and I couldn’t exactly just park it outside my building,” I laughed.

“You drove a truck?” Tony looked at me, an amused smirk on his face.

“Eyes on the road,” I squealed.

“JARVIS can drive the car,” his other hand moved to rest on his window. A light in the steering wheel flashed on and the car immediately slowed down to the speed limit. I also noticed it signaled when we passed another car. At least someone had road etiquette. “You okay?”

“I’ve been avoiding my midterm grades,” I confessed. “Not worried about my art classes, but I need to keep a certain GPA for my scholarship and… well yeah, I’ve been avoiding it.”

“I’m sure they are fine.”

There was a slight flicker behind his sunglasses, his eyes no longer looking at the road ahead of him or me, but what was behind the lens.

“So how are they?” I asked, nervous and amused.

“I’m not sure what you were nervous about. You’ve got A in everything but your calculus class, which is a very solid B. You did great, Babygirl.”

“Fuck,” I threw my head back against the seat and covered my eyes, dislodging my glasses. No, no, no. Deep breathes, c'mon you stupid bitch.

“That’s not the reaction I thought I would get for accessing your emails,” Tony looked at me now, pushing his sunglasses up his forehead. “What’s up?”

“What? No. Petey told me you did a whole search on me. It’s stupid to think you can’t just do computer magic. I watched the video from the senate hearing, which was amazing by the way. I’m just a complete fucking idiot,” My voice cracked, stress I hadn’t been willing to think about consumed me now.

Fuck. Just fuck everything. That wasn’t good enough. God this was awful. How was I going to explain this to my parents? I can already hear their comments in my head. Are you going to be average like everyone else? What are you gonna do when you fail at art? We expect better. Why do you keep letting us down?

I could feel Tony’s stare. Even as my eyes clouded with tears I can see the almost scared look in his wide eyes. I was being a fucking psycho again. That wasn’t okay. I needed to calm down. I can’t be like this in front of people, especially not Tony. That isn’t fair to him.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, sorry,” I took in a shaky breath, but it got caught at the back of my throat. The exhale came out just as wobbly. “I know that that seems like a good thing, but it isn’t. It has to be an A, or I can’t stay in New York.”

The car pulled over, JARVIS announcing that my heart rate had skyrocketed and that it appeared I was having a panic attack. The music stopped and the air conditioning was turned up a level. The goosebumps on my skin twitched to life as I began to shiver.

“Look at me, Honey,” Tony pulled my hands away from my neck. When had I wrapped them there? “You need to explain what’s got you so worked up? I can’t help if you don’t tell me.”

“My parents only agreed to cosign my student loans if I got a 4.0 GPA. They check my grades. My scholarship doesn’t cover the cost of everything, so I can’t stay if I don’t have those loans,” I breathed, avoiding eye contact even as he rubbed small circles around my hands with his thumb.

“That seems like they’re setting you up for failure, Baby.”

“No,” I shook my head, eyes squeezing shut. “I can’t fail. It’s not allowed.”

“Get out of the car, c’mon you’re switching me seats,” Tony unbuckled and removed himself from the vehicle. I did the same, just slower and more confused.

He was already at the passenger door when I popped it open. I pulled myself out of the vehicle. I wasn’t going to fail at the one thing he asked me to do. I was going to force myself from the car even if it was the last thing I felt capable of doing. Every part of me was shaking. There was nothing I could do to force down the tears, I knew that, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try and stop them.

I was ashamed. Not only because I was crying in front of Tony, again, like a stupid baby, but because of just how dumb he must think I am. I couldn’t even pass basic calculus, and I had to take another math class next semester. He must have thought I was pathetic.

Tony wrapped his arms around me, forcing my head on his shoulder. I clung to him, my hands aching in the cold October air. The zipper of his jacket dug into the front of my sweatshirt. I kept saying sorry as more tears fell down my face. He rubbed my back. A soothing gesture that felt so foreign to me. Neither of my parents were affectionate, saying that was just the way they were raised.

“You sure you wanna deal with a fucking hot mess like me?” I hiccuped.

“You’ve yet to see me on a bad day, Sweetheart. This is nothing,” he assured me, placing both hands on my face. Warm palms guarded me for the autumn wind and wiped away the last stray tears. He brought my forehead to his lips, resting them there for a few moments before he pulled away. There was a tender, almost sad, look in his eyes, but that was quickly replaced with a Tony Stark™ smirk.

“Now hop to it, we are going for a drive.”

I started driving us south, with no destination in mind. The Audi handled a hell of a lot different than the truck. It took a good amount of my concentration to control it and focus on the absolutely insane drivers of New York. We sat in silence, not even the radio on. The street lamps and car lights blinded me as we passed them. Tony was still wearing his sunglasses. When I merged us onto a highway, I relaxed. My arms fell from the 10 and 2 position and one hand rested on the base of the steering wheel, while the other rested on the gear shift.

“You are an excellent driver, Sweetheart.”

Well that went straight to my head. Heat rose on my cheeks and a small laugh rumbled through me.

“I used to drive everywhere,” I sighed. Highway signs flashed a series of streets, restaurants, and tourist hot spots. Increasing the speed gradually, merging into the farthest left lane, and finally letting loose on the gas. “There isn’t much to do where I am from, and when my parents got to be too much, this is what I used to do.”

“Drag race down empty highways?”

“It ain’t racin’ if you’re alone,” I let my drawl slip, peering over at Tony.

“It’s like you’re a totally different person,” his hushed, dramatic tone was lessened by the laugh that followed.

“Nah, ya get made fun of enough for sounded slow and dumb, you change it,” I murmured, tightening my accent and slowing back down and merging into the right lane. Where I was supposed to be.

“Isn’t your mom from New York?”

“Yeah, but I sound just like my dad,” my phone rattled in the cupholder. “Speak of the devil. Is it that late already? Can you put in the car speaker?”

“You want JARVIS in your phone?” He countered.

“I thought he would be already,” I glanced at Tony, genuinely a bit surprised and mostly just happy he hadn’t done what he did to Peter to me. There were things that I would rather explain in person to him.

JARVIS pushed the call to the car speakers, the small screen in the dash lighting up with my dad’s contact information. A picture of him, decked out in his IU gear and headphones around his neck appeared in the center of it.

“Hey Fabio, how are you?” Tony looked at me and mouthed ‘Fabio’ to me.

“You watch your boyfriend play yesterday?” His slow, mumbled drawl that matched mine filled the car.

“I told you we broke up last week Dad,” I frowned, taking an exit off the highway. I couldn’t look at Tony.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I could just picture him rolling his eyes. “You young people break up all the time. He’s just really torn up about it. Can’t focus on school, he nearly failed all his midterms, the kids a complete mess.”

Of course he almost failed. I had stopped 'helping' him on his papers and homework the moment we broke up. Any of his work that I still had on my computer I deleted. I pulled us into a near empty parking lot. Tony unbuckled his seat belt and leaned further back, seemingly content to just listen.

“So bench his ass then Dad, I don’t care. We broke up.” This was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

“Watch your mouth young lady,” he enunciated as his voice dripped with venom.

Tony looked at me, raising his eyebrows. I couldn’t decide what was more embarrassing, the fact that I flinched or that he scolded me.

“Am I on speaker phone?” He asked. Abort, abort, abort.

“Look Dad, just like last week, if you don’t wanna talk about something else, hang up the phone.”

“Pete’s sake, you’re just like Mother,” he sounded annoyed and he was taking it out on me.

“You know I don’t like it when you say that,” I softened my voice but gripped the steering wheel.

“And you didn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, you’re on speaker phone.”

“So are you doing your art stuff?”

“No,” that was all I was gonna tell him.

“That’s a first, then what are you doing?” He asked. “Mother says hello, hopes you’re enjoying your new church.”

Tony snorted. Obviously I wasn’t going to church. I hated church.

“Who’s that? If you’re with someone you shouldn’t answer the phone. We raised you better,” he scolded again.

“It’s fine, he’s fine with it. Everyones fine,” I rushed.

“Smooth,” Tony whispered.

“He?” My father bellowed. “Where is this boy? Put me on video.”

“In a car Dad, can’t put you on video. Oh no, we are going under a tunnel soon, byeeeee.” I scrambled for my phone and ended the call.

“You handled that horribly,” Tony laughed. “I’m not gonna lie, it was like watch an on fire dumpster.”

“You know what, next week when he calls me, you can answer the phone. Have all the fun with that you want. I will sit and watch you struggle.” I folded my arms together and stared at him.

“It’s a date, Babygirl.”

#a sloth writes #tony stark x ofc #tony stark fic #tony stark x you #tony stark x reader #tony stark #tony stark fanfic #tony stark fanfiction #iron man fanfic #iron man x reader #iron man x ofc #iron man fic #iron man #sleepless in stark towers

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the-fifth-marauder03 · 4 years

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Out of love

“I love you”, he says quietly as if trying to make her believe the lie he’s been telling her for weeks. He did love her at one point., keyword being did. That love was now being given to someone else neither really acknowledged it but they both knew it.

She smiles her expression dimmed, saddened the same as his. “Not the way I want you to, not in the way I need you to, not in the way you love her.” She’s not crying but he can see the tears welling up in her beautiful eyes.

“I’m sorry,” and that’s the truth. He is sorry. He never meant for this to happen. He never meant to fall out of love.

“I know, James. So am I.” she knows it’s not his fault. Sometimes people just grow apart and others grow together. She knows it wasn’t any ones fault. He had grown with her, she’d been there throughout night terrors and panic attacks but they didn’t need each other anymore and the truth is they had both found love in other people. And yes, they had new horizons to look to but ending were always hard.

They sit in silence for a moment before she speaks again, asking the question they both wanted to ask” I won't tell you I'm lonely, cause it may be selfish.” she looks down trying to suppress the sob that's welling up in her chest. ” But let me ask you one thing, when did you fall out of love?”

Bucky looked down, he had hoped she wouldn't ask. Not because he didn't know, because he did. He knew the exact moment that the love he felt dissipated. ” I couldn't tell you, when did you?” He's lying again and he knows she knows but she doesn't press.

” I couldn't.tell you exactly, it was gradual. Slowly you stopped loving me and he started to. You stopped waiting for me in the loading bay after a mission and he started to show up with a coffee and a doughnut. You ceased listening to my random spits of passion while he would smile at me and ask me questions. Dinners with you became a rarity and he started to make sure I ate a healthy meal. As you fell out of love he fell into it. ” she wouldn't lie to him. He deserved to know.

”Oh how we've changed doll. ” they both smile a sad smile letting the words hang a moment.

” Of everyone you could have chosen, I'm glad it's Natasha, James. She'll make you happier than I ever could. ” She means the words she's saying, wholeheartedly. She's seen the way they passed loving looks and the genuine can concern when either was in danger.

Bucky nods, ” I'm glad it's Steve. He's a good man with a good heart. He'll love you the way you deserve, fully and endlessly. ” Bucky means this as well. He's sees how deeply Steve cares for y/n. He knows he'll do everything in his power to love and take care of her. They stand for a moment longer and then hear the clearing of throats. The pair turns to see their respective lovers. y/n smiles at Steve but walks straight to Natasha. They both extend their hands in respect as the boys do the same.

” Thank you for giving him what I couldn't. I'm glad it's you. ” Natasha bows her head and nods. She didn't mean for this to happen but she's glad y/n isn't angry with her.

” I'm happy it's you, man. I know you're going to give her everything I couldn't and more.” Steve smiles a large smile and pulls bucky in for a hug, the girls do the same.

After everyone pulls away Steve positively beams at Y/n, ” are you ready to go sugar? Dodger is absolutely itching to go to the park with you. Plus that new deli place across the street just opened. ”

Y/n returns the bright smile. ”Yeah I'm ready, I owe dodger a game of fetch and I'm dying for a meatball sub.” She wraps her fingers around Steve’s and the two wave before walking down the corridor. Bucky and Natasha smile at their retreating figures, they turn the opposite direction and walk hand in hand

#captain america #marvelcastedit #steve x reader x bucky smut #marvel #sebastian stan #sebstanedit #steve #steve rogers #steve rogers smut #cacw #natasha romanoff smut #bucky fanfic #buckynat #bucky x reader #bucky barnes smut #james barnes

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thatanimenerd101 · 4 years

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Comfortable Silence

Tamaki x reader

This is for a good friend of mine; she is drawing my new OC. Thank you again for everything. Now since Tumblr ate my last post, I will try my best to re-write it. I am very sorry for this. Tumblr you can uh clean up my dog’s poop for a week. I have a dog named Meatball. I spent an hour re-writing this. @tryna-imagine this is for you...well try 2.

This art is not mine and I can’t remember where I found it or the artist, so all credit goes to them.

Warnings: Cuteness and Fluff .

word count 920

It was late at night, almost everyone had gone home for the weekend to visit their families. Well besides you and Tamaki. You did not want to go home due to you mother and father wanted to set you up with someone and discussing kids. You were still in high school, sure it was your last year at UA and the year was almost done but your main focus was not boys. You had male friends but dating them? You felt bad for Tamaki, he did not go home due to his family being out of town. So, there was no point of going home. Over the past year you and him become really good friends, and since your work study was close by to Fat Gum’s agency. You were sitting in the common area with the TV on as background noise, scrolling threw your phone. You payed no attention to the TV until you heard the word butterfly. Without even thinking you paused the TV and looked at it. It was a documentary about butterflies. You deiced to text your friend.

Butterfly Boy

Hey, are you still awake?

Sent 01:23 am

Yeah, why?

Sent 01:25 am

There is a documentary about butterflies on TV right now.

Just come to the common area, you’ll happy, plus we don’t get

Much time to hang out much.

Sent 01:29am

Tamaki was in his dorm room and was looking down at his phone. He was nervous about messing up his words around you. He was terrified he was gonna mess them up. I mean he did have a crush on you for a few months now. His anxieties started to creep up on him, he went down to the common area with a fidget toy in his pocket. The moment he saw you his anxieties went flying out the window, well most of them.

“Hey!” You cheered with a blanket around you. You patted the seat next to you.

“Hey y/n.” He sat down next to you, but keep his distance so that you wouldn’t see the redness in his cheeks.

You covered him up with your blanket. After the two of you were comfortable you hit play.

Within fifteen minutes you had you head on his shoulder. He was so warm and smelled like flowers? You we not bored of the TV. It’s just that he was so comfortable to lay on, he wasn’t skinny nor muscular. Just the right amount of both. Without realising it, you nuzzled into his neck and started to fall asleep.

Tamaki pushed all his thoughts away and had his eyes glued to the screen. He wrapped his arm around your waist and slowly laid the both of you down. He didn’t want to wake you up. Plus every since the two of you become friends he always felt more confident when he was around you.

After the documentary ended, you opened your eyes. Your eyes met his. He smiled down at you and you smiled back. He broke the silence.

“Can we stay like this for a while?”

“Yeah.”

After a few minutes of silence you gathered your thoughts and broke the silence.

“Tama?”

“Hm?”

“You know how I get Night terrors sometimes?” You just had to say that instead of what you wanted to say. Tamaki sat the both of you up and he turned on a nearby light.

“Did you have one recently?” He questioned with concern.

“N-No. Tamaki, I have a question for you. I-I-I like you more than is being friends and I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie with m-me tomorrow night? I know you don’t like going ou-“ Tamaki kisses your hand, he gained the confidence to do something that bold.

“I-I l-l-like you t-too.”

Yours and Tamaki’s faces were red.

All the two of you could think about was your date. The two of you were still cuddles up on the couch in a comfortable silence. Nothing to fancy, you are laying on top of him. Your head on his chest, his arm was around your waist. Your eyes met his once again and smiled.

Little did they know that a certain blue hair girl was in the coat closet holding her phone and took a picture. She sent it to Mirio with a text “It took them long enough to confess.”

Thirty minutes went by Tamaki noticed that you were fast asleep. He wasn’t all the strong but he picked you up and carried you back to your dorm room. He tugged you in bed and kissed your forehead. As he was about to leave to return to his own dorm you grabbed his hand.

Opening your eyes you looked at him. “Please stay? Until I fall asleep again.” He smiled and laid down next to you.

Again, little did they know that she was still in the building. She opened y/n’s door to reveal you and Tamaki cuddled up. She took another picture and sent it to her yellow haired friend. She jus came back for her phone charger, but this was gold. This was pure gold. Now she could not wait for the end of the year dance, she was taking y/n out dress shopping.

#tumblr ate my post #mha x reader #mha tamaki #ice cream #cuteness and fluff #thank you

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filmstruck · 6 years

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Life’s a Drag by Nathaniel Thompson

As we celebrate Pride Month this year in all its complicated shades and rich history, it’s also time to take a look at how LGBT culture has played a huge role in the way films have been made and written about for decades. You can find a sampling of six key titles in FilmStruck’s “Dressing the Part” spotlight, which reflects four decades of cross-dressing milestones on the big screen. You’ll notice that there are two films from the 1970s here, and they’re fascinating and important ones in the history of gender bending on film. Here are three reasons why…

The Stonewall Riots:

The watershed demonstrations and uprisings that began on June 28, 1969 are regarded as ground zero for the creation of the gay rights movement, setting off a chain of activism and public representation that’s still thriving and evolving today. Movies were quick to jump on the sea change, and some of the earliest ones require some explanation and context to work for first-time viewers today. That doesn’t apply to the two films here, FEMALE TROUBLE (‘74) and OUTRAGEOUS! (‘77), which will work like a charm as they show off two very different sides of drag and gay pop culture during the “Me Decade.”

Divine:

The mightiest titan in the pantheon of movie drag queens, Divine shot to underground fame as the fearless, boundary-bashing star of John Waters’ films right from the beginning with MONDO TRASHO (‘69) and appearing in all but one of his films through HAIRSPRAY (’88; the same year Divine passed away far too young). Fans continue to debate which film is Divine’s finest hour, but there’s no doubt that the one performance that stretched the punk-era provocateur to the greatest acting heights is FEMALE TROUBLE.

Cast as juvenile delinquent turned professional glamour queen criminal Dawn Davenport, Divine is a force of nature whether scarfing down a meatball sandwich at school (“Right out in class!”), ruining Christmas over after a disappointment involving cha-cha heels, giving birth in a stairwell or terrorizing the leather-wearing, hetero-hating Aunt Ida (Edith Massey, another Waters gem) by locking her in a giant bird cage. You’ve never seen anything else like this film, which comes packed with an uncountable number of great one liners and plenty of brilliant physical comedy (that trampoline!). Plus Divine even plays a dual role… out of drag and doing a sex scene with himself. You’ll have to see it to figure out how that works.

Judy, Judy, Judy:

Though not discussed all that often today, the Canadian film OUTRAGEOUS! earned a solid cult following in the late ‘70s as a showcase for the amazing Craig Russell, whose female impersonations included spot-on renditions of famous women like Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, Tallulah Bankhead, Mae West and a jaw-dropping Carol Channing. There’s a lot more to it than that though, in this landmark snapshot of a subculture within the gay community in a pre-AIDS world where entertainment could be found from cabarets to bathhouses. It’s an affecting look at Russell’s friendship with fellow “kook” Hollis McLaren, a platonic male-female friendship unlike anything else you’d see on a movie screen at the time.

I love how Danny Peary pointed out the film’s message in his landmark book, A Guide for the Film Fanatic: “The picture is not about being gay but about being an outcast (a crazy) among people (gays) who are already outcasts… [Russell] wants to break down the barriers gays have set up for themselves; he wants to be a female impersonator and become part of the more adventurous and dazzling gay element which many ‘normal’ gays shun.”

These films point the way to where drag would be heading for decades to come; in fact, we still owe both of them a huge debt. Without FEMALE TROUBLE, OUTRAGEOUS! and all the other cross-dressing classics of the era, we wouldn’t have RuPaul’s Drag Race, TOOTSIE (’82), HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH (2001) and on and on. The world would be a much duller and far less glamorous place.

#FilmStruck #Pride 2018 #Divine #John Waters #StreamLine Blog #Outrageous!#Craig Russell #drag #Nathaniel Thompson

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years

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tube thoughts vol. 8

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Kroll Show: Gigolo H-O-R-S-E *"Horse not whores."* 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: "The Wasp Woman" a Roger Corman flick *"Anaphylactic schlock."* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Max Headroom: Grossberg's Return *MTV Rocks the Vote for Hillary Clinton by getting its viewers to tune out and tune in to The Jersey Shore / Real World.* 2 1/2 stars

Blind Date (Deluxe Edition) *Raunchy reality show uncensored material and bloopers from the early 2000s. It's strange to see just how much the fashions have changed. That California douchebag & slut 'look' is a real time capsule (1998? - 2004?) of guilty pleasure to gawk at.* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Watcher *Redneck androids and a test tube Alice in Wonderland un-birthday.* 3 stars

Branson Famous: The Brangelina of Branson *In a town that's stuck in a rhinestone americana timewarp, a family of big haired and big belt buckle entertainers step all over each other in pointy boots in order to be the shining star in a fading industry of entertaining a dwindling crowd of retiree tourists.* 2 stars

==== My Big Redneck Family: Redneck Wedding

*Tater salad turned bad, but the "Shamepain" still tastes good, I guess.

Tom Arnold is giddy to host a reality show that's structured and shot like a sitcom similar to Modern Family.

The presentation isn't half bad, but it's the same lowest common denominator behavior for the camera and those tired, cliche confessionals that all reality shows are required to have.

At least Branson Famous is original in its confessionals which are tacky singing confessionals that turn into sing offs.

Also, I want to know how theme weddings like 'Redneck Weddings' are still considered to be traditional.

Sorry, queers, ya'll are weird, but cut off shorts, beer cans on the front row, and written vows about picking up tighty whiteys covered in trail marks so that the wife doesn't have to is considered a sacred ceremony.* sodomy or skidmarks I vote skid

2 stars

=============================================================

Newsreaders: How Sausage Is Made *A sausage making factory is turned into one of those pretentious millenials start up companies with a hilariously loose atmosphere, and it's visited and documented by a parody of one of those hipster nerd website's sexy cosplay chick who's one of those tries way too hard to be all about nerd culture wannabes. Also, Stevie, from Eastbound & Down, plays a lottery winner whose newly overly rich lifestyle makes him easy to despise.* 2 stars

X Files: Genderbender *The close knit community of Aphrodite and androgyne.* 3 stars

Hippies: Sexy Hippies *"I'm free. Nothin' worryin' me." Except for the fact that being a male, I think about sex every six seconds.* close to 3 stars

Impractical Jokers: Welcome to Miami *Beached Mer-man struggles in the sand for jelly donuts and an alligator is forced to wear a backpack.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Jonny Quest: The Calcutta Adventure *Jolly Jolly Hadji* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Fanny and the Professor *"Touch my mouth, Louise!" Heatwave haywire.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Rinse Dream presents "Party Doll A Go-GO #2" (1991) *Jungle boogie sock-it-to-me shin-dig squeal flick.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Love Stinks --------------

*Nookie with no strings attached because Freddy cut them.* 3 stars

*Re-Animator as a yuppie pizza shop cannibal.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------

"Meatballs Part 2" (1985) *PG rated sex comedy with E.T. and Pee Wee Herman.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Man Who Was Death *After his state overturns the death penalty, unemployed electric chair technician William Sadler takes his executioner's blues to the street.* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Child Abuse *Mort shows off his devilishly red socks and lets people pour their hearts out about that once dirty secret of the family that has come more to light in recent years as something not to hide.* 3 stars

"The Town That Dreaded Sundown" (2014) *Three different time periods entwined into a true crime homage to drive-in slasher movies like Friday the 13th part 2. It's not perfect, but it's prettier than a postcard with red eye gravy spilled over it. Did I say postcard? I meant porkchop. A porkchop with red eye gravy spilled over it. Well, maybe not that pretty. Porkchop, mmm.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Pilot Episode *Aztecs, snakes, Geckos, demons, Texas Rangers, Mexican cartels, and last of all 21 year old white chicks (how and why did they escape so easy? makes little sense.).* between 2 and 2 1/2 and stars

Rifftrax presents "Terror At Tenkiller" *"More like timefiller at Tenkiller." Pointless small talk, routine walking and driving, mundane lake activity, creepy jerks, generic background music, plus slight instances of side-boob.* 3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Tim & Eric - Bedtime Stories: Baby *The true horror is seeing Tim & Eric amuse themselves by getting odd looking middle-aged men to perform absurd fetish acts. Dr. Steve Brule's manchild cousin Jordan gets scammed by Tim & Eric, and Roseanne's Laurie Metcalf makes a show stealing cameo.* 2 stars

Finding Bigfoot: Paranormal Squatchtivity *Bobo, Ranae, and the other two dingbats travel to some isolated farms and woods in Pennsylvania that look straight out of Night of the Living Dead. They're searching not just for bigfoot, this time, but boo bumps in the night. They also make a sacrificial offer to the bigfoot by dumping bloody guts and powdered donut dust on a rock.* 1 star for the spook and squatch stuff 2 1/2 stars for the natural lighting, non-nightvision, picturesque shots of rural Pennsylvania

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Lonely Ghost *An early 90s mallrat Tiffany look-a-like bullies her "zeeb" cousin and nanny and meangirls clique until an encounter with a ghost girl from a mirror world.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: Long Way To Morning *gumption versus grouse* 3 stars

Farscape: A Human Reaction *Chricton returns home and finds out he no longer has one.* 3 stars minus maybe 1/2 a star for the twist

Wizards and Warriors: The Kidnap *Black magic and royal blood should never mix.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Root Of All Evil *Exchanging currency for blood.* 3 stars

"The Granny" a film by Luca Bercovici (1995) *Stinking rich Stella Stevens has one foot on a banana peel and is pushed into the grave by the greedy inheritors of her wealthy will. An elixir, with a set of instructions similar to the handling of Gremlins, turns her into an Evil Dead inspired demon bitch. It's up to her mousey granddaughter, played by Shannon Whirry (who struggles to hide how sexy she typically is), to send her back to Hell.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Up In Arms *Citizens against crime. Battlefield lovers. Troublemakers on the 6 o'clock news. Criminal turned Christian. Nude model and her ferocious dog of a man. Corrupt cop killed by razor wielding hooker.* 3 stars

------- Black History Month -- Non-Wayans Scary Movie -------------------

"Tales from the Hood" (1995)

*Welcome to my Mortuary: Some homeboys make a pick up of alleyway discovered drugs at a spooky funeral home ran by an eccentric mortician.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rogue Cop Revelation: Wings Hauser and some other pig cops go Rodney King on a political agitator while Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" plays as the soundtrack. Exactly one year later, the zombified martyr gets revenge.* 3 stars

*Boys Do Get Bruised: David Alan Grier as an extremely convincing and scary abusive stepfather.* close to 3 stars

*KKK Comeuppance: Voodoo dolls terrorize a racist politician at a cursed plantation. I couldn't help but laugh thinking of those Lil' Penny Hardaway doll commercials from the 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Core Convert: A murderous gangbanger won't repent when a Maya Angelou type puts him through Clockwork Orange style therapy torture to get him to see he's killing his own kind in the same way white society lynched his ancestors. It does pose the question of whether it's strictly his fault, but I'm not sure if Spike Lee and others involved aren't suggesting that young black men should use violence on whites instead. There's a lot of venom and hatred and propaganda in this piece. Maybe rightfully so, maybe not.* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

*Mr. Simms: A Mexican standoff Day of the Dead style between the homeboys and the mortician who turns out to be Satan. Welcome to 90's terrible CGI hell, muthafuckas!* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Just Like That *A cute receptionist, who likes to love it up in an elevator, tries to have it both ways with a rich French guy and a pre-Friends slumming it on softcore late night cable Matt LeBlanc.* close to 3 stars

Hannibal: Ceuf *"Norman Rockwell with a bullet." Hannibal Lecter with a daughter. Molly Shannon with a screw loose (not much of a stretch).* 3 stars

--- Duck Dynasty: Bathroom Baloney

*Outhouse racing, because "SOUTHERN!"

We used to not have indoor plumbing, ya'll.

It's pathetic what A & E will go to in order to justify an hour of tv filled with the stupid nonsense these jerks say.

It's all about those advertising dollars, and we morons who give them views.

They're supposed to be down to earth folk and manly men, but the one called Willie acts like he's never used a grill or stove, like most of his audience would have had to in their lives, when he burns his fingers and squeals like a girl as he ineptly cooks balogna.

Balogna, a cheap and overly processed lunchmeat that has been a part of the diet of that America that they're so quick to latch onto, but most of this millionaire family turns their nose up at the idea of having to eat.

Duck Dynasty, a brand and a family that sell their garbage merchandise at a company (Wal-Mart) that ripped the heart, balls, and innards (all that would go into balogna) out of American smalltown business folk and replaced it with cheap Chinese manufactured goods and sent jobs overseas so that Duck Dynasty's main audience would have to be poor and eat balogna.

Sing it with me, for the land of the freeee and we used to live in caves...*

running from zero to 1 star

==================================================================

Weird Science: Airball Kings *Gary got game.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Ice Queen *God gave us gas.* close to 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 8 *Lambs seeing the dagger.* 3 stars

"Here Comes The Devil" (2012) *The Kids Aren't Alright after a truckstop Picnic At Hanging Rock.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the awkward and amateurish dubbing. The English speaking voice actors are so bland that they drain the passion out of the Spanish actors' performances.

American Horror Story: Asylum "The Name Game" *Rare birds Roche limit.* 3 stars or 1 star for the Glee style musical number

American Horror Story: Coven "The Axeman Cometh" *Ouija (weegee) and all that j-a-z-z.* 3 stars

"House of Dreams" an adult film by Andrew Blake (1990) *Splooge on the foot of a model wearing expensive high heels in one of those new age architectured Malibu beach mansions captured by an expensive perfume high-art pretentious photographer while a Pure Moods cd plays on a thousand dollar plus stereo system.* 2 1/2 stars

----- Black History Month -- Genre Crossover Bad Movie ------------

Cinematic Titanic presents "East Meets Watts" *"Fact: drugs IS comin' into the ghett-toe." but so IS "Rock 'em sock 'em mofos." And "You can tell by the clothes that they're wearing, that it's a fine line between Kung Fu & Disco."* 3 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

-----------------------

The Prisoner: Many Happy Returns *Number 6 becomes The Omega Man, Castaway, Bourne, The Fugitive, Top Gun, and then Total Recall'd.* 3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Waking Life" (2001) *"Let's have a *in quotes* Holy Moment."* either close to 2 1/2 stars if you're open to interesting thinking about life or 1 star if you're annoyed by pretentious people talking out of their ass about philosophy...

Bob and Margaret: Love's Labours Lost *Bob pines over his snotty secretary.* close to 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Soapy Sanderson *"Singing your own song," even if it's a murder ballad.* 3 stars

Fargo: A Muddy Road *Orthodox spiders.* 3 stars

X Files: Lazarus *Scully's old flame is shot and smolders out, at the same time as his Clyde Barrow type suspect suffers the same fate. The suspect's spirit snakes into Scully's flame's body and goes on the hunt for his Bonnie.* close to 3 stars

"The Taking Of Deborah Logan" (2014) *The Exorcism of Martha Stewart. Wow, a found footage flick with mostly sympathetic characters, an actual story, creepy scares, and somewhat decent editing.* close to 3 stars minus 1/2 a star for the vomit vision shaking cam finale. I don't know why this generation has such a hard-on for found footage. It doesn't make fiction more realistic, it just makes it more painful to try to watch.

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital": season 1 episode 8 *We didn't start the fire.* 3 stars

"Inferno" a film by Dario Argento (1980) *Like a cat on hot bricks.* 2 1/2 stars

Manimal: Night of the Scorpion *Caper in the Caribbean.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "R.O.T.O.R." *Imagine Alex Murphy replaced by Jeff Foxworthy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Thundarr the Barbarian: City of Evil *Civilization ends in 1994, and a world of sci fi and fantasy emerges. So, it's like Mike Judge meets Jack Kirby.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voice Of Reason *A paranoid paranormal conspiracy theorist gets a closed door intelligence session with govt officials, where he shows off alien events from the first season of the new outer limits.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Eat My Muffin *Luke Skywalker as "Divine" Rod.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible -------------------

2 Minute Slaughterhouse Rock: "Death ain't shit. Impress me." - 2 1/2 stars

3 Minute Mankillers: "Ladies, and I use that term loosely." Acting, and I use that term loosely. - 3 stars

Pregnant Men!: "I rolled over and went back to sleep." - 3 stars

Out of the Wild: Teddy bears and Werner Herzog. - close to 3 stars

Ninja Magic Dragon Kid!: "Do you know Don 'The Dragon' Wilson?" Well, he's barely in this, but there's this 12 year old who does karate... - 3 stars

-----------------------

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 1 *Bono for breakfast. Judd Apatow, Bob Odenkirk, and others help make this one of the best, and sadly forgotten, sketch shows of all time.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month -- Social Justice zombie classic with commentary ----

Rifftrax presents George Romero's original "Night of the Living Dead" *Apocalypse and Arby's.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

---------------------

American Gothic: Meet the Beetles *Sheriff Buck versus Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: Here's Looking At You, Kid *Vanishing act with top secret space age equipment. Vanishing act, when it comes time to meet the girlfriend's parents.* close to 3 stars

---- Black History Month --- Social Satire movie ---

"CSA - The Confederate States of America" *Slavery, for an economically strong and stable society.* either zero stars or 3 stars

----------

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Show Stoppers" *Cooped up rage.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Curtain Call" *This series whimpers to a close like a sad gypsy's fart or a tired hobo's bugle.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Forever Knight: Dark Knight part 1 & 2 *Highlander meets the dawn of Seattle grunge meets Kolchak, the Night Stalker meets MTV's The Maxx.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone *"Dying for dollars." A death defying Houdini act where death isn't actually defied.* 3 stars

"Bad Girls" (1994) *Casserole western. At least Geena Davis isn't the lead.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible ----

Camel Club Network: Joe Camel in tha nightclub. - 3 stars

You're A Hypocrite!: Grumpy theology getting off point and no fun. - 1 star

Watch the Jello Wiggle!: Thirty somethings determine the Teen Set. - 3 stars

Y'Know: No, I don't know, evangelical and or motivational white lady. - 2 1/2 stars

Truth or Dare: A deadly game for unstable yuppies.* 3 stars

--------

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Sorcerer's Apprentice *Canadian junior high kids go "goth" over a Babylonian snake god.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Prejudice Philosophy flick ---

Sam Fuller's "White Dog" (1982) *"Cure or kill the sickness."* either zero or 3 stars

---------

Morton Downey Jr.: Communism *Loudmouths, intelligence agents, government (U.S. & the U.S.S.R.) sponsored military groups in 3rd world hot-spots, and last of all "TRAITORS!"* 1 star

12:01 Beyond: Illegal Aliens ---------

*A man and his dog, living alone in the desert, are abducted by a ufo. that or the dog is an alien or becomes an alien?* close to 3 stars

*VHS quality trailer for the new War of the Worlds (not Spielberg / Cruise).* 3 stars

*TV rip promo for CBS showing of Sigourney Weaver in ALIENS.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo rambles about ancient alien conspiracy theories while an alien fires a electricity blaster behind him.* 3 stars

*Famous Studios' Superman in "Showdown": Superman framed with impostor.* 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for the movie Hangar 18.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for "Magic" 92 FM radio "The Superstar Space Cruiser" of radio stations playing classic rock albums.* 3 stars

*'The Tony Tomato Show' presents Heil Hipster performing in a Weezer 'Buddy Holly' esque music video.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for "Moon Trap." Killer lunar robots and Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for an 1980s NYC Manhattan comic convention featuring a lot of classic Sci-Fi alien comic books.* 3 stars

*Ninja the Mission Force - Citizen Ninja: No rest for the Ninja. Not even a playground picnic.* close to 3 stars

*TV / VHS quality neon lazer graphics advertisement for Rochester's 95FM BBF.* 3 stars

*TV/VHS quality rip for an old 80s DR. Pepper commercial where a cowboy walks into a space bar cantina filled with alien puppetry creatures and orders a tall one. That is a Dr. Pepper.* 3 stars

*The "Saint of Insomniacs" Mr. Lobo sits by a Tesla type machine and greets a scary looking alien creature who is into probing.* 3 stars

*(feature movie) Cannon films presents - "Alien Contamination": Explosive xenomorph eggs, and a cyclops tentacle creature, in an exploitation flick.* 2 1/2 stars

*Vintage UHF tv advertisement for channel 6 XETV promoting 5, count 'em 5, classic episodes of the original Star Trek tv series.* 3 stars

*Vintage Fox tv affiliate WPGH channel 53 and its promotion of Alien Nation, the series' upcoming episode.* 3 star

*Vintage tv commercial for the OMNI sci fi "fact and fiction" magazine.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost in The Laughing Skull: Heavy water has leaks.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mr. Lobo may have been probed and payed 20 dollars for it.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grindhouse trailer for the flying frisbee alien leeches flick "It Came Without Warning."* 3 stars

*TV/VHS rip quality commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper featuring a Will Forte look alike living in a Raising Arizona / Joe Bob Briggs style trailer park with his sweetie and having a close encounter.* close to 3 stars

*Zolar X - Timeless (music video): The Ramones meets Mork & Mindy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Thumb Snatchers from the Moon Coccoon: Stop motion short about opposable thumb hatin' robot aliens and a Texas cow munching cowboy sheriff squaring off.* close to 3 stars

------------------

Cinematic Titanic: The Alien Factor *"Pissing Skittles."* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Everything is Terrible ----

*The Stinger: Pontiac feels that modern car concepts should be "wacky," "funky," filled with useless gadgets, and cost 2 million dollars to create.* close to 3 stars

*The Old New Age!: Puffy clouds and PBS philosophy / aesthetics / tunes.* 3 stars

*That Doll Looks Like Your Daughter!: Wholesome, loving, lifeless, and that uncanny valley...* 3 stars

*Reppies Agenda Revealed: Let's make a rainbow and do the electric slide, all for the glory of our New World Order overlords.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bully Bustin': "Sometimes, you gotta smack somebody."* 3 stars

-----------

USA Up All Night with host Rhonda Shear presents "Porky's 2" ----

*Win a piece of Rhonda's horrible (looks fingerpainted) artwork. Ha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda laments the flow of her particular pink piece of artwork.* close to 3 stars

*An operatic Korbel champagne commercial showing picturesque American life. yeah, maybe if you're drunk on Korbel.* 2 stars

*Turtle Wax magic and science to help shine your convertible using "science and magic." Available at K-Mart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hurry to Sears for a 3 day paint sale.* 2 stars

*1 800 Collect will help you save on collect calls and it somehow helps a generic fake Yankee baseball player rob a homerun "Whatta save!"* close to 2 1/2 stars

*"Before Arnold, before Stallone, there was Skywalker." USA is showing the original Star Wars 8 / 7 central.* 3 stars

*Rhonda daydreams about 1950s romantic lifestyles and compares it to the 90s where she can't get a date, because all the guys are on dates with each other. Then, she reads fan mail about how much sexual energy she puts into her paintings, then she gives that painting away to said horny fan.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fun of male pushups in Porky's 2 as being "safe sex" and she shows off a horribly drawn portrait of her house with dog poop on the lawn.* 3 stars

*Rhonda cools off with a Snapple in a cheaply produced Snapple promo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bluesy 90s slickly produced Greyhound bus travel commercial. I've taken a Greyhound bus trip. It's nowhere near this glamorous. It stinks, actually.* 2 1/2 stars

*The host of MTV Sports (whose name escapes me) is with Arnold in a Burger King BK TeeVee advertisement for the Summer of 93's biggest blockbuster "Last Action Hero."* close to 3 stars

*While a mom does some home repair, a toddler has a horrible gasoline accident and is shown in the hospital burn unit covered in bandages in one of those awful scary as shit PSA announcements from back in the day.* 3 stars

*GNC the authority on getting musclehead gym rats hooked on supplement taking pill addictions.* 2 star

*"Ever been curious about Hollywood girls?" Well, these babes dance luridly on the hosed down concrete floor of a large suburban downtown flat while dressed in leather and 60s biker hats in this phone sex 1 900 950 WILD commercial.* 3 stars

*Next is yet another phone sex commercial with girls looking straight out of Beverly Hills 90210. Wowza.* 3 stars

*Rhonda shows a classic "cut scene" from the Wizard of Oz "Suck my wand!" that just happens to have made it into Porky's 2. And Rhonda reads another fan letter in it which she continues to win over the hearts and views of fans for her offbeat sense of humor.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fishy faces with her self portrait.* close to 3 stars

*Then a hypnotic bumper with Rhonda twirling against a starlit background while wearing a one piece swimsuit / aerobics outfits. Wowza.* 3 stars

*never park your car without the CLUB anti-auto-theft device, especially if you live in a Texas Mexico bordertown. Ha. Whatever happened to those? I guess thieves figured out a way around the device.* 2 1/2 stars

*Beautiful, portrait pretty mornings begin at 8, that is Super 8 motel, and that is also if you're a yuppie business man driving around the backcountry (what business is there out there?) with a cup of steaming hot coffee on top of your Ford Taurus rental car.* 2 1/2 stars

*Murphy Brown is smart, right? I mean... she does have her own witty tv sitcom... and she is spokeswomanperson for SPRINT long distance in this big budget commercial with 90s quirky aesthetics featuring the tops of bald mens' heads with cartoon floating graphics and a thinktank lab with a huge brain in a robotic device... huh?* 2 1/2 stars

*"What could be worse than the cost of a yeast infection? How about the cost of curing it?" Femcare for the cheap lady with downstairs troubles. Wow, did women really skip feminine healthcare because of high cost? Glad I was too young to experience the joys of a woman back then.* 2 1/2 stars for weirdness

*A leading zooologist explains the difference between sparkling polar bears (ones who ice skate in a skirt) and sparkling rootbeer cream soda A & W rootbeer.* 3 stars

*After a terrorist strikes... Silk Stalkings on USA.* close to 3 stars

*Sean Connery is a space cowboy... high noon in outerspace... Outland on USA.* 3 stars

*Rhonda's factoid of the week: close to 3 million gallons of oil produced in America, almost enough to style Jerry Lewis's hair.* 2 stars

*No touch tire care in a can really frustrates blue collar motorheads.* 2 stars

*"There's nothing worse than a foul smelling pair of shoes?" Wait, what about yeast infections? Odor Eaters knocks the skunk right out (literally) of a pair of old men's dress shoes.* 3 stars

*Tri Star pictures presents Weekend at Bernies 2, starting July 9th, 1993.* 3 stars

*"Even the best need attention, know what I mean?" So says a blonde skank on a cheap looking phone sex advertisement.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sluts "love sharing secrets" on another phone sex ad. Now, they just share selfies and butt in mirror photos on twitter / instagram and it doesn't cost 3 dollars a minute.* 2 1/2 stars

*Patty and her orangutan pal Roger try little Caesar's pizza and spaghetti.* 3 stars

*Tough actin' Tinactin for CGI fungal fires on the feet of jocks.* 2 stars

*"America's hot new number, 1 800 Collect." they've even replaced the Hollywood sign with a 1 800 Collect Sign. Boy, will they feel dumb, when they realize no one uses collect calls anymore. Everyone has a wireless plan. Dumb, 1993, get with the times, already.* 2 stars

*Rhonda gives away a foot sculpture to a female fan wanting it for her husband's office. I guess her husband, Al, has a foot fetish.* 2 stars

*Live & Loud Ozzy's new album straight from his 92 tour available at Record Town and Tape World.* 2 1/2 stars

*30 something moms in party cowboy hats use Suave miracle anti-perspirant to survive their rowdy munchkin kids' birthday parties.* 2 1/2 stars

*Nintendo's Kirby comes from Dreamland to the real world to prove that he's "One Tough Cream Puff" in an awesomely animated into live action commercial.* 3 stars

*"It's never too late for an intimate phone adventure." So, dude, bro, pick up your oversized cordless house phone with the extra long antenna and dial up some horny chicks for only 3 bucks a minute, man.* 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out with her Bart Simpson doll and shows off her "Bart art".* 3 stars

*Models, on a beach, have lips that need protection from the sun's harsh rays. So, they use Blistex. But, they probably should get out of the sun, because they all look so dark that they probably have skin cancer already.* 2 stars

*"Continuous Action Formula!" soft & dri super solid lady deoderant will have the fellas fawning over any high class city chick.* 3 stars

*A sign language lady uses conceal and heal wart remover.* 2 1/2 stars

*"If you use gasoline the wrong way, your dreams will go up and smoke." Your kids will die as it's put in another scary gasoline fire PSA. Was there this huge problem with misuse of gasoline back in the 80s and 90s? Sheesh!* 3 STARS

*A soft saxophone, a tropical window scene with flowing curtains in the wind, and a creepy narrator on camera, in a white tuxedo, let's us know about Eve and her need to forget, which she can't do, on EDEN coming to USA....* close to 3 stars

*Rhonda is sad to say that Robert DeNiro isn't in Porky's.* 2 stars

*Rhonda really doesn't like Porky's 2 and recommends that if you wanna watch Porky's 3, then rent Porky's 1 and change the number.* 2 1/2 stars

*And finally to get to the actual film presentation... for this chopped and censored to the point of little coherency comedy...* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------

Son of the Beach: Miso Honei *Pink beam at Point Break.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Inter-racial Adult Art Film --

Dark Bros. presents "Black Throat" *A dumbass honky, a new-wave negro pimp, and a trash-talkin' plastic rat go on the hunt for an expert fellatio hoe named "Madame Mambo."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--------

From Dusk Till Dawn: Blood Runs Thick *The original was a good movie, but it could have used a 14 year old girl's i-phone conversation with her boyfriend, an unintentionally funny fist fight between the Gecko brothers, rice-milk refreshment breaks, and cute pink bunny accessories to remind one of just how sweet having a daughter can be... oh, also Fez, from That 70s Show, dressed up like Kool Moe D in Wild Wild West.* 2 stars

Kung Fu: An Eye For An Eye *A woman's right to choose death. Honestly, however, a thoughtful commentary on revenge.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: What Happened.... *Swing low, sweet chariot.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible -----

*Aerobic Self Defense: Don't be a victim, attack from the rear.* 3 stars

*Time to get it on, T. Bone: Sidney Party Yeah Uh... or however you spell and pronounce Sidney Pottier.* close to 3 stars

*Tax Day!: I'm not sayin' that we should be anarchists, I'm just sayin' we should commit anarchy.* 3 stars

*Oldies vs. Hippies!: The early bird gets stoned.* close to 3 stars

*Mark of the beast: Government is evil, ignore the patriotic background music. Worldly goods are fleeting, seek salvation, and send us your money.* 3 stars

---------

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills *Chewin' the scenery with Lassie.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

--- Black History Month -- Black Cowboy Cinema ---

Fred Williamson in "Joshua" (1976) *Who is Joshua? to quote Joshua, "I'm my mother's son." Some bandits make the mistake of shooting his mama, in the back, before Joshua can reunite with her after the Civil War.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------

William Friedkin's "Sorcerer" (1977) *No futuro without risk.* 3 stars

"Glengarry Glen Ross" (1992) *Close the deal, you expletive-expletive-expletive...* 3 stars

X Files: Young At Heart *The curious case of Spooky Mulder.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 episode 2 *20 so years later, and Nick Kroll has almost the exact same show.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Learn to Fly: self levitate the expert way.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Hunks Hunks Hunks!: "Smell the protein in this room."* either 1 star or close to 3 stars

*Here's How!: to be a show off.* 2 stars

*Greatest Song Ever Sung: Kathie Lee cares about the kids of genocide. Well, just kids in general, they sure are cute. Fuck adults in need, they're not as cute. Jesus was a kid too ya know. He was cute, too. "Like one of us," as a kid, but way cuter.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

*4 Minute - The Alien Agenda - Endangered Species: Vote for Pedro for president of the X Files fan club.* 3 stars

----------

Viper: Ghosts *Reformed criminals, the paralyzed, holograms, and future cars -more than meets the eye.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"John Wick" (2014) *"Everything has a price," but good action / fight choreography and a dead wife's puppy are priceless.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Coquilles *About as much fun as a tumor.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Dead" *Satisfaction.* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 episode 3 *Ship without a captain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad *"There goes a stupid, stupid man." Fake Sinbad, the father of modern socialism.* close to 2 stars with riffing between 1/2 and 1 star without

Rinse Dream presents "Cafe Flesh" (1982) *"A tableau of desire in decline." The perfect mindfuck Dear John paranoid love letter from the dawn of the AIDS-HIV era to the end of the 'Free Love' era.* 3 stars

True Detective: Who Goes There? *She done gone. Tyrone. Drugged out, deep cover.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Reality TV No Survivors *"They fall in love in a hot tub, just like us."* 3 stars

Channel 4 in the U.K. presents Ban This Filth: episode 1 *Prudish, old ladies -the purveyors and "haters" (a term that I despise) of perverted behavior.* close to 3 stars

David Fincher's "Gone Girl" (2014) *An ode to the psychotic climate of hysteria caused by media jackals like Nancy Grace.* 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 3 *To boldly go where Bruce Springsteen has never gone before.* 2 1/2 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 3 *"Seems like everyone here is from someplace else."* close to 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Hunt *A rolling stone gathers some moss.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Johnny Dangerously" *An exciting age of criminality.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Dana Carvey Is Rolling Over In His Grave: Have mercy, Church Lady.* 2 1/2 stars

*Creep Scientist Fantasy Karaoke: "It's nice to remember." Just don't make it weird.* close to 3 stars

*Cookin' Up Profits!: Elderly ladies are pie baking and financial experts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Christian Puppets Are Selfish: Share everything, including yourself, with stuffed animal puppets of the faith.* 2 1/2 stars

*BEV!: "She'll kill us." during our middle aged lady step aerobic workout.* 3 stars

---------

Thundarr the Barbarian: Last Train To Doomsday *Can't keep a Gemini wizard under wraps. Plus, 1960s Marvel comic books become an instructional handbook for sorcery weirdos of the post-apocalypse.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Party High USA *School curriculum for those willing to stay stupid or hoping to become scumbags.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Dream Thieves *In an age where people trade their dreams for dreams, Swamp Thing's Arcane is also an old friend / rival of Edison Carter.* 3 stars

"A Scanner Darkly" (2006) *We're all trying to escape, and we're all unknowingly being observed while trying. That's when we're unwittingly put to uses.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick--- (1996)

*Fashion VIctims - Lowering High Fashion Standards: Getting heavy with emaciated models.* close to 2 1/2 stars for the topic's performance 3 stars for Timothy Stack's jokes

*Secret Lives... Exposing Ourselves: Hot For Teacher - A teacher moonlights as a porn star. "Say it loud, I'm practically black and I'm proud." - A light skinned black man is shocked to discover that he's half black and not Italian. The Perfect Mom & Dad turn out to be Dad & Mom* close to 3 stars

-------

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Jax, Sonya, and Kano *TEST YOUR MIGHT at the Ace Chemicals / Skynet factory.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Safe Sex ----

*A picky dweeb's Satanic attraction and death by wet dream.* 3 stars

*An outcast chick's obsession with Freddy goes too far.* 3 stars

------

American Horror Story: Murder House "Smoldering Children" *Familial putridity.* close to 3 stars

X Files: E.B.E. *Piss up an Idian rope trick. There's an 18 wheeler causing alien confusion as it travels a shadowy path across America.* 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Mistress *Harbingers, whore offerings, and head-shrinking.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Banshee: season 1 episode 1 *A raccoon running from a rabbit. A -just out of prison- thief steals the identity of a deceased new sheriff to a Walking Tall type backwoods corrupt town.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Sacred Taking" *Thrill rides, terminal goodbyes, two way roads, and tingles of the cooch.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Another Woman's Lipstick *Girl in guy drag and a David Lynch inspired striptease.* 3 stars

---- Valentine's Three Way Movie Feature ---

John Cassavetes in "Incubus" (1982) *Try a little tenderness. Try a little cursed bestiality.* 3 stars

Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" (1992) *Torrid 90s trash revisited.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

Michael Ninn's "Fade to Blue" *Get 'yer kicks on Route 66. It's a stylized xxx religious experience.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------

Werner Herzog's "Lessons of Darkness" (1992) *Scorched earth war disgrace, the Book of Revelation, and fossil fuel drudgery, danger, madness -all from an alien perspective.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Storm of the Century" (mini-series) *Born in sin, the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore, come on in.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Fargo: Eating the Blame *Greenbacks, grasshoppers, gospel, and the gristle of a riddle.* 3 stars

"Winter People" (1988) *Milk, honey, and time a flowin.' Kurt Russell plays against type as a gentle clockmaker / Ichabod Crane type in a Hatfields & McCoys style hillbilly period piece.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Legacy of Blood *"Tijuana snuff films are more wholesome."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars with riffing close to 2 stars without riffing

Son of the Beach: South of Her Border *Labia & Johnson. Erik Estrada & Marsha Brady.* close to 3 stars (despite all the stale bean fart jokes, it manages to be funny)

Northern Exposure: Dreams, Schemes, and Putting Greens *"Wine 'em, dine 'em, stick 'em with the tab." ... or leave 'em standing in the rain at the 18th hole... or leave 'em standing at the altar singing showtunes.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible ----

Freedom Song: Show us yer tits fer freedom.* 3 stars

Fiddlin' With My...: Would you rather be in Branson with Shoji or would you rather be a mule?* 3 stars

Dreaming of Foxy Boxing: That cloud looks like a cat fight.* close to 3 stars

Dinner With The Abortionists!: "Ask your wife." quoting a slimeball abortion performing doctor.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Lottery Guru!: Hint, hint, you'll never win the lottery. Hint, hint, invest in firearms.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

------

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick ---

Illegal Aliens Star Search: Immigrant talent show for the prize of a green card.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars (3 plus stars for the Phil Hartman cameo)

Hooked on Hookers: Sexy Social Outrage.* close to 3 stars

------

Crossballs, the debate show: American Driving, Carmageddon *Defensive drivers on the defensive against aggressive comedians.* 3 stars

"Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" (1991) *"Come on and take a free ride." - John the Baptist $T.M.$ If they make this movie for the millenial generation, it will be called 'Rob Dyrdek and the Starbucks Person,' and it will pack a limp wristed punch.* 2 1/2 stars

Hill Street Blues: Your Kind, My Kind, Humankind *Being true to one's self and the team.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: Them *A deathdream last episode and now this episode has an exhaustion zombie fight, a pack of wild dogs, worm eating & dog eating, mysterious note and a gift of water at the point of dehydration, a backroad tornado out of nowhere, solace in a shack in the middle of nowhere, and a zombie siege on the shack that seemed to spell the end of everyone in the group (which turns out to be a dream? or did they all just die?). This second half of the season is taking a turn into surreal southern gothic.* 3 stars

"In Cold Blood" (1967) *The point in modern America where we all took a dreaded detour into a conscience of indifferent malice that we've been driving on ever since.* 3 stars

"Nightcrawler" (2014) *Hollywood really wants us to sympathize with their paparazzi plight. A success driven psycho is nihilistic about bringing skid row sensationalism to the Southern California suburban news market.* close to 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 Episode 4 *Melrose changes people. Ben finds out this when Andy Dick turns into a hipster bitch on the back of a biker dyke's harley.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month --- Cultural Cliches Comedy ----

Melvin and Mario Van Peebles present "Identity Crisis" (1989) *Gianni Versace is my homeboy. Rest in peace, my gay nigga.* close to 2 stars

------

Ban This Filth: episode 2 *"I would rather live in a vast, treeless desert without filth."* 2 1/2 stars

Hippies: Hippy Dippy Hippies *"Painting the house of ideas, shit brown," like a pig would.* 3 stars

"The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" a Gerard Damiano xxx film (1980) *In the future, in the ruins of a space age commune, survivors hump, day & night, like bunny astronauts. They have this calculator connected to the future internet, and surprise the internet is mostly for sex, where they can dial up and beam up "satisfiers" to fulfill their every sexual need. But is it enough?* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Through The Looking Glass *3, 5, prime. Red, yellow, blue. Dizzy, loud, and funny too.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Wizards and Warriors: The Rescue *"I wouldn't want to fight a dragon that I could see, let alone an invisible dragon." Yeah, that's right, an invisible dragon.* 3 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks *"It's like Clint Howard and Gentle Ben had a kid, and he's choking me!" It's also like Eegah! meets The Sinful Dwarf.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

American Horror Story: Asylum "Spilt Milk" *Nursing a grudge.* close to 3 stars

"The Babysitter's Club Video #1 Mary Anne and the Brunettes" (1990) *Scholastic and craptastic. Mommy / gossip / relationship training for young chicks who can't even get their darn ears pierced. Weird to see so many kids and zero adults in this Charlie Brown / Children of the Corn town.* 1 star

Jr. Christian Science Vol. 1 *One of Tim & Eric's weirdo friends hosts an early 90s public access educational children's show. A chore to sit through, but almost worth it for the moments where he loses his cool when the production doesn't go exactly his way, and it features some of the most awkward singing and puppetry ever combined.* 1 star

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Johnny Cage *True Hollywood story, death of the action star.* 2 1/2 stars

"Constantine" (2005) *Keanu Reeves as a wanker. Shy LePoof as a hardnosed cabbie sidekick. Tilda Swinton in guy drag. Hollywood knows what comic fans want. They want their beloved characters americanized and the movie version to be filled with techno music and cgi in every single shot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Let's Get Ramblin' *Soul cleansing, soul redeeming, power in the blood.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Forever Knight: for I have Sinned *and sat in judgement.* close to 3 stars

"Exorcist 2: The Heretic" (1977) *Plight of the white wing dove. Not enough mood or scares, and too much of all of the following: pseudo science astral projection / mental flashbacks, jazz tap dance, big over the top special fx, traversing the globe, and Linda Blair vanity project / poor acting. James Earl Jones, Louise Fletcher, and Richard BUrton are great, though.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Hannibal: Entree *"A bunch of psychopaths helping each other out."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Head" *Proudly marching to the guillotine of perdition.* 3 stars

"Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror" (1981) *Eye-Talian style maggot-filled weapon-wielding zombies laying siege on a gothic mansion. Gore filled disembowling deaths, shot gun blasts to zombie skulls, smashing / chopping zombies / people to bits, and titty chewing. Gloriously over the top dubbing. And lastly a "child" or dwarf(?) actor that makes Bud Cort look normal.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Only Sin Deep *Pretty woman on loan from the pawn shop.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Distance *Rick Grimes, the most justifiably paranoid man on the planet of the undead, will watch gay love, from the shadows, just to make sure someone's intentions are legit.* close to 3 stars

"Sticks and Stones" (1996) *Another of those generic mid-1990s coming of age / the dangers of handguns in a family home / absentee parents (too busy being a doctor more than a mom Kirstie Alley) / abusive white trash parents (father of the main bully) / dealing with school bullies and also brothers who are bullies too (Zack from Saved by the Bell. *barf* on both accounts) and the bullied (a young and pudgy Seth Rogen, you would think but the kid's name is Max Goldblatt along with his bully tackling overprotective daddy played by Gary Busey), complete with that wholesome Americana past-time of baseball as a connecting theme for this sentimental tripe.* either 1/2 a star or close to 2 stars

--- Black History Month --- Bon Voyage Film Feature ---

"Trippin" (1996) *A young brutha and perpetual slacker, during his senior year in highschool, is constantly escaping reality into his fantasies that often feature fly booty honeys.* 2 1/2 stars

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itravelonmystomach · 7 years

Text

I wasn’t looking for an adventure. I wasn’t even looking for a good story. I just didn’t want to go home that summer from college. My mother had remarried and our blended family came together in a food processor. Family ‘blending’ was brand new in the 70s and since Oprah was still in college the healthy way for me to deal with all that change was to run for the hills – or in my case the ocean.

My uncle knew a guy whose brother owned an Italian restaurant named Petrillo’s on Route 9 in Cape Cod. It was a family restaurant located several miles from the water. He could get me in as a summer waitress. I guess they owed him a favor. Minimum wage plus pooled tips that the staff divided at the end of the shift. The usual.

I believe that people are either mountain people or ocean people. And that depends on where you spent your summers as a child. I spent my summers riding the waves at Jones Beach or on the calmer Long Island Sound. And so, the ocean is my happy place. That summer, I wanted to feel,-if not really be,-independent. Independent was code for taking care of myself the only way I knew how; which was to get out. And, like I said I love the ocean. My boyfriend was going to Yellowstone Park to work and I certainly did not want him to think that he had cornered the cool college summer job market. You know-make him a little nervous.

This came together pretty quickly, and, although I had the job I didn’t have a place to stay. My aunt and uncle drove me from Long Island to South Yarmouth. On the car radio we heard Billy Joel’s Street Life Serenade three times-‘working hard for wages, need no vast arrangements”. I checked in to a motel near the restaurant. It wasn’t seedy, but, it did include the musty smell and plastic shower walls at no extra cost. I was nervous and full of bravado. The independent thing is not all it’s cracked up to be when you’re alone in a motel with a pizza box and a bottle of Blue Nun. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. I felt confident that this was temporary. I’d make friends at the restaurant and get a spot in a fun summerhouse. Temporary was key because although the motel was cheap it would eat up all my earnings.

Another upside was that waitressing paid well for a college student so I anticipated making decent money that summer. The summer of 1975 – it was the summer of the energy crisis and Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run. “Tramps like us, baby, we were born to run…” My boyfriend and I thought he was singing directly to us. I had met him at a college party and we’d been together for a year. We weren’t quite opposites attracting, but, I hung with the drama crowd at a jock college. He loved sports and hung with more of a pot smoking crowd. He was from New Jersey and took me to see Bruce when he was still playing at the Stone Pony on the Jersey Shore.

Back to the energy crisis in my terms – nobody was taking road trips because gas was so expensive. However, the Canadians still came. Canadians always visited the Cape no matter what – and were lousy tippers if they tipped at all.

I didn’t have to buy gas because I didn’t have a car. But, I had a bicycle. This was vital given that I didn’t know anybody so I couldn’t bum rides. Which sounds kind of sad, but, let’s bear in mind that I was an English major so sad translates to romantic.

Like most shops and restaurants Petrillo’s was located on Rte. 6 It is the main drag that snakes from one end of the Cape to the other. There was a sameness to it that was hypnotic. But the streets on either side of the route led to the water. No one really came to the Cape for the food. And certainly not the families. They looked for a place to grab something at the end of a beach day, so no one had to cook at the rental or the motel room efficiency kitchen. Petrillo’s was a popular family style restaurant with decent, inexpensive food. I still make their Bolognese sauce.

On Day One it became crystal clear that my status as an out-of-towner was a problem with the restaurant staff. I was not a townie. Now, where I went to college being a townie was social death. But not here. Townie Karma Cape Cod style began with “Where are you from?” followed by “How did you get this job?” I gave the wrong answers “New York” and “My uncle knows the owner.” There is a love/hate relationship in Cape Cod between those that live there and the summer people. The Natives need the income from the summer people but deeply resent them being there. I was given the lowest of the low job of peeling garlic cloves. I would spend two hours before the shift peeling cloves. My hands smelled like, well, a hundred cloves of garlic had exploded in them because they had. The only thing that got rid of the smell was washing them in lemon juice.

There were a couple of cooks working the line who you submitted your orders. For instance, let’s say you are waiting on a family of four and they all order a version of spaghetti. You place your order like this in the kitchen: “ I NEED 4 SPAGHETTIS –2 meatball 2 sausage” As part of the terror campaign, the cooks wouldn’t fill my order unless I yelled it to them in a Boston accent. Today it would be called bullying but then it was just nasty, and pretty funny. And so my fantasy of making friends and finding a place to live through work remained for a time just that – a fantasy.

An ad in the newspaper advertised a room for rent in a boarding house about five miles from the restaurant. It’s truly amazing that to this day I like to bike ride and eat Italian food. The boarding house was a block from the ocean so I couldn’t see the water but I could smell it. On the way back from the restaurant at night , I would bicycle down the street and hear the waves before my tires hit the sand. If there was moonlight, it was a movie moment. I have a visceral memory of the sight, sound and smell of the ocean.

My room came with a roommate. She was a 32 year old middle school teacher from the Midwest working the summer season at the Cape Cod Playhouse . She told me that she was hoping ‘to meet someone and have some fun”. As a 19 year old it really blew my mind to hear an adult -and a teacher no less- sound so lost and lonely. I assumed that at her age I’d be long past that and have my romantic act together.

On my breaks at work , I would sit outside at the back of the restaurant and read. I love to read and this also gave the appearance that I didn’t notice that no one took breaks with me. One afternoon between the lunch and dinner shifts I went out back and one of the newly arrived cooks was out there smoking a cigarette. I heard some of the staff saying that he was working on a Doctorate in Boston. He was a little older, which at my age meant he was in his late 20’s, tall with a red beard. I named him Dr. Cook.

“What are you reading?” he asked. “Gatsby” I answered. “I teach English at a school in Boston” he told me,. “I have Senior Honors and always teach it”. I hesitated to start a conversation. What if this was a come on (I was head over heels about my boyfriend) or what if this was a lead in to more New York hate talk. New York – the city people love to hate. “High school students always want to focus on the love story” he said. “It can be tough to lead them to the real theme.”

“Yeah, I thought it was about the love story in high school” I said. “I thought it was OK – and now on this reading I really like it. It feels like a different book to me.’

“You have some life experience now”. Wait till you read it when you’re a little older – it’ll blow your mind.” He put out his cigarette and went back inside.

That conversation changed things for me. Unlike the other cooks, Dr. Cook would take my order without demanding I use a Boston accent. We continued our running commentary about Gatsby. I would pick up the lasagna order and yell over the shelf to him “I think Nick and Gatsby were the only ones who cared about each other.” “You got that right he said – and not really as simple as liked – they had a respect. Even better.” He’d been working summers there for a number of years so no one gave him a hard time because he didn’t haze me.

His goal was to move to California and teach at UCLA. He wanted a change from the Northeast but it had to be near the water. In common with Gatsby, I think that he and I believed that we had a need to recreate ourselves. And we all shared a love of the ocean.

Think of a world long ago and far away. Imagine no cell phones. Try. My boyfriend and I would set times to phone each other. This meant figuring out the time difference between Yellowstone and Cape Cod, getting enough change to feed a phone booth and being disconnected when I ran out of change. We even wrote letters that I still have. I’m not being sentimental when I say that I believe that this is far more romantic than sexting On one call he said that he missed me so much that he was thinking of hitching to the Cape and finding a job.

Meanwhile back at the boarding house, teacher Sally was still trying to ‘meet someone’. “Wish I needed those” she would say to me when she saw my birth control pills on the bureau. This made me really uncomfortable and led to an emergence of an evil passive-aggressive twin. I would make it a point to leave them out on my bureau in a bitchy competitive I’ve got it all going on and you don’t sort of way. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll need some soon” I’d say. My interior dialogue read more like “Fat chance. You’re over thirty and live in Kansas.” She came home disappointed most nights. One night she didn’t come home. But when she did the next day she wasn’t happy. Which made me change my tune and wish for her a nice Calculus teacher starting school in the fall that would change her life. I was, after all a college student, with all the appropriate naivety and optimism in place.

“I used to think that Daisy was a great character. But now I think that she’s basically an airhead. A rich, pretty airhead. Just what she wants her daughter to be. Nick is right when he says Gatsby is worth the whole bunch of them put together. Gatsby deserves better,” I remarked.

“I think so too. Notice how Fitzgerald describes the bunch of them as careless – in their own lives and how they treat people.” Dr. Cook said as he wiped down the stoves at the end of the night. I was setting the tables for the next day. In the background from the kitchen radio John Denver sang “Thank God I’m a Country Boy”. We went out for a beer and kept the conversation going. We compared Tom Buchanan and Gatsby and talked about what a fish out of water Nick Carroway was. We both understood Gatsby’s idealized American optimism that he could recreate himself and gain the prize he sought.

I figured these intimate conversations might be over after tonight since my boyfriend was hitchiking straight through from Yellowstone. He’d be here the next day. He arrived and we rode the hormonal wave with abandon. The sheer romantic high and heightened emotions made us feel like stars of our own movie. It was that heady. THAT Catherine and Heathcliff. That much sand between our toes.

The townie karma peaked when someone (read-the waitress who had a crush on Dr. Cook and thought that there was something going on between us) accused me of not dividing the tips evenly one night and shorting her. I saw a group of them huddled near the walk- in refrigerator doing math on a piece of paper – this was before smartphone calculators. I tried to steer clear and then they surrounded me. I took out the piece of paper with my calculations and handed it over. Mean Girls before Mean Girls.

“You shorted us $10. Each.” She said. “Let’s see how much you took.” I took out my money and it was the right amount. Dr. Cook came over “What’s going on?” he said to this mean girls reunion. “We think she stiffed us.” “Doubt it” he said. “Give me the write up.” He took it and cleared me. It was then that I realized my initiation hadn’t let up not just because I was an out of towner but also because I was seen as competition. Her being exposed as trying to sabotage me put a pin in the balloon and the air seeped out of the sport of attacking me. I had developed a talent for bucking up.

My boyfriend and I fell into a routine once he found work with a lawn service and a room to rent. We spent our day off each week going to Martha’s Vineyard and exploring the beaches and each other. The summer finally found its groove.

A couple of times we went for a beer with Dr. Cook but it wasn’t the same. We talked about concerts or movies or just hung out, but no book talk. We formed a triangle with me at the point. Dr. Cook and I talked on breaks but the electricity between us changed. I felt confused about how much I missed spending time with him. Our conversations fed me.

People from the restaurant included us in after work parties. A group of us went to see “Jaws” and then went to the beach where it was filmed the summer before. They even said things like “Hey next summer lets all go to the Vineyard on our day off.” We included Sally in the Petrillo’s pasta parties, too. She always had fun, and, although she didn’t meet anyone she was relaxed. Hazing is not for sissies but I did get to the other side of it.

It was mid August when Sally left for home. We had fried clam rolls before she left for the airport and exchanged addresses – I knew I wouldn’t hear from her, but, also that I wouldn’t forget her. We had nothing in common except the bureau we shared and some memories of the Cape.

Dr. Cook went back and forth to Boston for a week setting up his teaching schedule and doctoral studies. The days he was back I would come to work early so we could catch up. My boyfriend took me home to Long Island and he went on to his home in New Jersey.

Two weeks later we were back at school. Two weeks after that he dropped me. My tan faded. I was so heartbroken that I cut my hair. Even with my flair for the dramatic I knew this wasn’t a gesture of independence but one of depression.

I have often described this boy from New Jersey as my first love. I don’t know. I know that I can barely recall a conversation we had. I remember nearly everything that passed between Dr. Cook and me. It would take me a long time to trust my instincts and to understand that respect is the better part of love. But I can recall the books that sustained me that summer, the bolognese and the person who had my back.

BOLOGNESE RECIPE

3 TBS chopped yellow onion

3 TBS olive oil

3 TBS butter

2 TBS chopped celery

2 TBS chopped carrot

1 LB ground beef (chuck)

Salt

1 C dry white wine

½ C of whole milk

2 C Canned Italian tomatoes with the juice

Use a large, heavy casserole pan. Put in the oil and butter and sauté onion until it is tender. Add the celery and carrot and cook gently for 2-3 minutes.

Add the ground beef and crumble it up with a fork. Add 1 tsp. salt and cook until the meat is no longer pink.

Add the wine, turn up the heat, cook and stir until the wine is almost evaporated.

Turn the heat down to medium and add the milk and cook and stir until the milk has evaporated. Keep stirring!

Add the tomatoes and keep stirring. When they start to bubble, turn the heat down to a simmer. Cook (uncovered) for 3 hours (at least) and stir whenever you walk by it. Correct for salt.

I never regret doubling this recipe and freezing half of it for future deliciousness.

CAPE COD SUMMER SCHOOL I wasn’t looking for an adventure. I wasn’t even looking for a good story. I just didn’t want to go home that summer from college.

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