kiss me with your lies (and baby i’ll love you even then) [Chapter V]
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[AO3 Chapter I] [AO3 Chapter II] [AO3 Chapter III] [AO3 Chapter IV] [AO3 Chapter V] [AO3 Chapter VI]
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Final Arc: explanation, confrontation, touch-withdrawal, dedicated to switching tag, and farewell (for now).
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When Yvonne and Scarra arrived, they were sopping wet. Sykkuno smiled at them sheepishly. “Sorry for that,” he said.
“What, why?” Yvonne asked, though there was a suspicion on her face. Her eyes lit up as she rushed over to smack Sykkuno's arm. “You piece of shit! I thought I was gonna die from all those thunders!”
“Now, now,” Brodin interjected. “Clean up first, and then we’ll talk.”
“Are you ready to talk now?” Scarra asked Sykkuno, gently. “No allure this time around?”
Sykkuno's eyes widened when he heard it, as did Toast’s. So the man had realized, but most likely unable to do anything when the allure took place. Sykkuno bowed deeply in front of him. “I apologize for all of that. I’m ready to explain it.”
“That’s good,” Scarra nodded, then waved at them before he strolled to his room, leaving wet footprints all over the carpet as Poki screamed after him.
As they waited for the two to shower and change their clothes, Sykkuno inched closer to Toast, whispering, “Can I hold your hand?”
“Why are we whispering?” Toast whispered back, though he reached for Sykkuno's hand nonetheless.
“I’m nervous,” the man admitted. “Everyone in my family knows who I am, but even in Vegas I’m not widely introduced to the communities. They’re saving that for the ceremony.”
“Ceremony?” Toast asked, a little bit confused, but could already see the dots connecting. “You can explain it later to us.”
“Okay,” he nodded, then leaned his head on Toast’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I called you a mongrel, by the way. It was really juvenile of me.”
Toast laughed, wincing when it pulled at his wounds. “I’m sorry I, uh, called you a whore.”
“Yeah, that’s really cruel,” Sykkuno admitted, his face falling a little. “Kiss me to make it better?”
“Please, spare me,” Brodin said monotonously across from them, not even looking up from his phone.
“Fuck you,” Toast spat out without heat, then leaned down to kiss Sykkuno. “Sorry.”
The man just smiled happily at him, reaching forward to grasp the hem of Toast’s shirt. It was such a familiar gesture by now that it relieved something inside of Toast. Something so mundane, yet marveled at in time like this. Before long, Sykkuno's other hand had migrated to knead at his thigh. He kept a smile hidden behind his lips. This man, he swore to God, would be the death of him, literally and figuratively.
“So,” Yvonne said, sitting next to Brodin as Scarra sat next to her. Poki took a seat beside Toast, and reached out to hold his gloved hand, rubbing her thumb at the junction of his fingers comfortingly. “From what I’ve gathered, you’re not a cat—you’re a fox, and a very powerful one judging from the literal thunderstorm you’ve just summoned.”
Sykkuno fidgeted with Toast’s shirt, heaving a deep breath, and looked at Toast first. He nodded at Sykkuno, and the man nodded back. He exhaled another deep breath, and looked at the seat of three in front of them. “I’m… I’m the next lineage for Inari Ōkami,” he said, nervously, peeking from beneath his fringe to see their reactions.
Toast didn’t know what Inari Ōkami was aside from that it was one of the gods in Shinto belief. But he knew it was pretty important because Yvonne gasped, Scarra’s eyes widened, and Brodin gripped the arm of the seat pretty tightly. Sykkuno… was a God? He looked at Sykkuno, finally understanding what he meant when he said that his responsibility would consume him whole, why the people in his family worshipped him, why his family didn’t want him going anywhere. They wanted to keep their God safe.
It… made him sad. That they thought of the God first before the person, before Sykkuno. He had been tasked to protect and be their source of power ever since he was born. There was no chance for Sykkuno to grow into himself. His little rebellious act of being a streamer, and running away from home were the only desires he could realize in a household like that. He put his hand on top of Sykkuno, smiling encouragingly at him when he flipped it and grasped Toast’s hand tightly in his.
“I’ll explain from the beginning,” Sykkuno said when Scarra was about to open his mouth. The man shut it close and gestured for Sykkuno to continue. “Our lineage is one of a fox, one of the few in America. We do not originate from Japan, except for my father. He’s the leader of our clan currently. But my responsibilities do not lie in being a head of clan. The lineage for Inari Ōkami isn’t determined by linear descendants, it could be anyone that the God desires. Generally, a new generation appears once every one thousand years to complete the transformation, and the descendant can continue on to the celestial space to be an entity there.”
“You’re an anomaly,” Brodin deducted. “That’s why they want you so bad, and why you never wanted to reveal your lineage.”
“Yes,” Sykkuno nodded, looking at Toast again before he continued. He was terribly nervous and afraid, Toast realized. This was the first time he had ever opened up about this to someone else in his entire life, if his life of seclusion was to be judged. “The current representative of Inari Ōkami is still alive. I was born three-hundred-eighty-years into her ruling year as the saishu of our clan. There are many supernatural creatures, most of them are not foxes, that reside in our compound. It doesn’t matter that I don’t believe in God specifically, they exist just like the creatures and thus are real. They have chosen, and I have no say in this matter.”
“That’s… sad,” Poki said in a small voice, looking down at her hand entwining with Toast. “I feel like we’re talking about Toast’s curse all over again. It’s something out of his control, he didn’t ask for it. He has to live with it nonetheless, regardless of his feelings. I’m sorry it has to be the two of you.”
“Well,” Toast sighed, though he was smiling a little to soothe her. “Guess we’re match made in hell.”
“Indeed,” Scarra laughed a little wistfully.
Sykkuno nodded. “I think I can connect with Toast easily because we bear the same burden of this… thing that we never wanted in the first place. I was trained for my future position as the chief priest my whole life. I was never allowed to befriend anyone, for friends hold no meaning when I ascend. I’m not allowed to go out, each time I leave the compound, it’s only for meetings or festivals where I’m always guarded. I have no means to reach out to anyone, and even my sisters are estranged from me because they’re raised differently.”
He stopped, voice trembling a little as he heaved a deep breath, clutching at Toast’s hand like a lifeline. “I—“ he swallowed with difficulty, before pushing forward. “I don’t want this. I told Toast, that I’m just a mere vessel. That my responsibilities will consume me whole, because it would. I can’t run away from this, I can’t escape, I can’t relieve the burden to someone else, I can’t do anything but to accept it. Isn’t it funny that everyone worshipped me with such reverence, but never took care in actually knowing the human behind the kami?”
There were tears glistening in Yvonne’s eyes as she listened, though she tried to hold it in. Sykkuno was being strong for them; he didn’t even shed any tears as he talked. Though she still gave a warm smile to Sykkuno's direction.
Sykkuno smiled back at her. “I understand Toast’s situation, of him being touch-deprived because of his curse. I’m not allowed to touch anyone either, or, more accurately, no one is willing to touch me. They’re afraid they’ll taint me, somehow. I am to be untouched, pure, until my ascent. Funny how it turns out now.”
“Oh my God!” Scarra exclaimed at the same time with Poki. He laughed heartily, making everyone laugh along with him. “Did you just make a dirty joke? Can’t believe I live long enough for this.”
“Can’t believe he’s willingly admitting he has filthy, midnight romps with Toast,” Poki continued, giggling like a school-girl.
“Stop talking, dead cells come out of your mouth every time you open it,” Toast told them.
Sykkuno chuckled, leaning his head onto Toast’s shoulder again. His body was more relaxed this time around. He played with Toast’s fingers, rubbing and pulling the digits as he talked again. “I dealt with curses all the time back at the compound. That’s what we do, you see. We’re the source of power for the clan, and for the supernatural creatures in Las Vegas. We live in a shrine, I’m given educations to be a chief priest, though I know that I won’t do all of the responsibilities to the fullest. I have to stay in one specific, holy ground for a thousand years. I don’t have to absorb curses or cure people, I can do that from my room once I ascend and connected to the power source. Though sometimes I do accept specific audience.
“There are celebrations for me, you know? Celebrations that I can’t even attend because I can’t leave. Once you ascend to godhood, you don’t need any more earthly desires. You’re not allowed to. I- I became a streamer because I wanted to know what’s out there in the world, outside of the shrine and my compound. I want to be connected to people, I want to be touched and touch people in return. Not just from ceremonial touches, but the actual one with affection. I guess I’m just as touch-starved as Toast and I’m using this opportunity to appease myself.”
He turned to Toast, guilt genuine in his eyes. “I’m sorry for using you like that.”
“I planned on experimenting on you the moment I met you, we’re on equal ground on that,” Toast told him, smirking when he remembered just how frantic and desperate he was back then.
“Good to know Michael doesn’t have to be involved in the experiments now,” Sykkuno laughed, eyes crinkling prettily. God, Toast wanted to kiss him senseless, even in front of his friends. “That’s the gist of me and my responsibilities as Inari Ōkami.”
Scarra nodded. “That’s why you’re familiar. You were there when they announced the new lineage of Inari Ōkami. We were quite surprised because the previous one is still alive.”
“Yeah,” Brodin replied. “I knew about that too. I was there with Scarra. I think I saw you with the entourage. I just figured out that you had something to do with the announcement because you looked so gloomy and bleak.”
“Was it really that obvious?” Sykkuno asked with a bitter smile. “Yeah. I didn’t like it. Everyone was celebrating the announcement, and here I was, not knowing what to be happy about when I’m about to sign up my whole life as a vessel.”
“Why… why did you run away from home, Sykkuno?” Yvonne asked carefully, aware that this was now an even more sensitive topic when the truth had been revealed.
Sykkuno was silent for a little while. He sighed deeply, rubbing Toast’s palm slowly as he said, “My mother wanted me to ascend early. Said that the power has nearly fully transferred into me, and the current Inari Ōkami vessel is getting weaker by the days because of it. Once Inari Ōkami descended, they could continue on as an entity, but in the cases like mine, they usually continue their life as a priest in the shrine. There’s really no escape.”
“But isn’t it better than to spend your life as a god that you don’t want to be?” Toast asked. “You could descend, and return the power to the current Inari Ōkami, if that can be done.”
“It can,” Sykkuno nodded. “The ritual is complicated, and my family will be enraged about it, but it can be done.”
Their eyes widened, hearing the possibilities of freeing Sykkuno. “Then why didn’t you—“ Toast started, but then silenced when Sykkuno looked at him with a dejected face. Oh, something else happened. It was always something on the way.
“It can only be done if there are two souls residing in the body. A vessel of Inari Ōkami has two souls; one that belongs to them, and another one that belongs to the kami after they ascend.”
“Wait—“ Brodin interrupted. “That- is that why I sensed that the power is not quite yours when I drank your blood? Because it literally belongs to another soul?”
Toast instinctively let out a small sound, and Sykkuno chuckled. “I knew that you lied about your phone that day. But yeah, basically. When the ritual is done, one has to sacrifice two souls to return the power. Someone can live without a soul, but they will be unable to ascend into the celestial, as anything, after they died.”
“There’s something you’re not telling us,” Scarra hummed contemplatively.
Sykkuno bit his lip, so hard that he drew blood. He heaved out a deep, measured breath, and looked down at Toast’s hand in his. “I only have one soul inside of me right now.”
Poki frowned. “Well, isn’t that just normal? One that is yours, and one that belongs to the kami.”
“No,” Sykkuno shook his head sadly, looking away from them all. “I’m ready to ascend soon because I’m a special case. I’ve always been born with the kami’s soul inside of me. I- I have none. I have no soul.”
There was a silence that descended upon them after that. Toast tried to process the information, running his head in full force until he felt himself overheating. But try as he might, he couldn’t think of anything. Even Scarra and Yvonne seemed to be speechless, and they knew more about him about the supernatural creatures.
“What- what do you mean?” Yvonne asked.
“I was born without a soul, I don’t know about the details either. No one explains anything to me about it,” Sykkuno said. “Everyone just accepted that I have no soul and moved on, so eventually I did the same. This is why… this is why ascending will literally tie my life to my responsibilities. I have nowhere to run, I can’t descend either because of the requirements. I ran away that night because I was so afraid, I was scared and my family wouldn’t understand. I ran because I wanted to be able to run even once in my life, from the things that have been pressing down on me for so long.”
This wasn’t the same burden as Toast, this was far more complicated and heartbreaking. But they did share the eternity of spending their lives as something that they never wanted to be, without any way to escape from their fate. Was this why he felt so connected to Sykkuno, because he unconsciously recognized the shared tragedy of their lives?
“Thank you, for telling us, Sykkuno,” Yvonne said sincerely. “It must have been hard for you, all this time.”
The man nodded, giving a sweet little smile. But then he straightened himself up, his face turned hard and serious. “There’s something else you need to know, and be prepared for.”
“Is it your family?” Scarra asked, face turning solemn too.
“Yes,” Sykkuno nodded. “I wasn’t detected all this time, and I keep sleeping all the time because my energy is drained and Los Angeles doesn’t have a very big source of power. I’ve been concealing myself and this house since the start. But absorbing Toast’s curse earlier required me to let go of that concealment. They’ll be notified when they sense my magic here. They will come, and they won’t be pleasant to deal with. I need your help with that, Scarra.”
“I understand,” Scarra nodded. “Your clan, it’s the one that resides in Nikko Tosho-gu, correct?” The man nodded his affirmation, and Scarra continued. “They’re a powerful clan. It’s going to be hard to even stand up to them. Wealth, power, influence, lineage, followers—they have it all in abundance. But the council also has a standing on its own, and I have my contacts. It’s a good decision on your part to conceal yourself, because people will be clamoring to find you if your clan can provide enough rewards for them, and they can.”
“I know,” Sykkuno said. “That’s why I stopped streaming, didn’t use any of my credits card, and conceal this place. They’re smart, resourceful, and fast. They’re not as fast as me, but they’re still pretty tenacious. They’ll probably reach this place in two or three days, I need you to be ready by then. I’ve already concealed this place again, but the slight surge of power will still be noticed.”
“That is a slight surge of power?” Yvonne said, in disbelief, though she seemed excited as well. “Oh my God, I don’t want to see you in full force, Sykkuno.”
“It’s not my power,” Sykkuno reminded her. “Mine is quite small and subtle compared to it.”
“What is your actual power?” Brodin asked. “I can only detect some, but not completely from your blood.”
“Am I the only one finding that Brodin has tasted Sykkuno's blood disturbing, or are you all are just a bunch of freaks?” Scarra exclaimed then.
“So sorry to break it to you, Scarra,” Poki jested.
It brought a small smile to Sykkuno's face. Toast squeezed his hand to remind him that he had Toast here, too. They could talk later, but they had to be prepared with any information right now.
“Some of it are similar to what I have right now, to be honest,” Sykkuno said, and then nothing more.
“As expected from our politician,” Toast sighed, yelping when Sykkuno pinched his side. That one hurt.
“Alright, what else do you need to be prepared?” Scarra asked.
“I need everyone to be alert,” Sykkuno said. “Be ready for any ambush, at any moment when you’re outside. I can protect you here, but I can’t protect you out there when you’re not with me. They will come politely at first, but they will attack if you don’t give them what they wanted. This isn’t just some dispute that can be solved with diplomatic talks, they’re willing to go for the length for this.”
“Well, of course,” Brodin pointed out, “we stole their God.”
“Their god ran away from them, actually,” Sykkuno laughed. “Kinda saying something about the God now, isn’t it?”
“I’d say the God is fun, considerate, kinda unhinged in the head, and absolutely fantastic in riding me,” Toast said unabashedly, ignoring the groans resounding around him. What? He wasn’t allowed to praise his fox now? Sykkuno was flushing bright red, but he shot Toast a big grin, so he counted that as a win.
“Alright, discussion is over now,” Scarra said, still looking half-jokingly disgusted by them. “You two get some rest. We’ll discuss about the plan.”
Toast nodded, already pulling Sykkuno towards him when Poki let go of his hand and stood up to join the rest of them. He sighed in contentment when his back hit the plush couch and Sykkuno lying gingerly on top of him. He swatted the man’s ass, grinning when he heard the yelp. “I’m hurt, not dying. You’ll crick your back if you keep lying on me like that.”
“I’m just trying to look out for you!” Sykkuno complained, but leaned his full weight on Toast nonetheless. They lay there in silence for a while, just enjoying the small tender moment before the storm hit. “Toast?” he called out after some time.
“Hmm?” he replied, half-asleep already from his fatigue.
“Now that you know everything,” Sykkuno started, feeling hesitant. “Do you- do you think I’m selfish for running away?”
“You’re an idiot,” Toast told him earnestly. “How many times do I have to tell you that this isn’t mere selfishness? This is your desires and need. You’re allowed to be a human, a person, too, Sykkuno. You don’t have to be a God if you don’t want to. You’re allowed to want something for yourself.”
The tears that Sykkuno had been holding throughout the talk finally fell. Toast held him tighter against his chest, feeling the wetness seeped into his shirt and felt his heart broke for this man. Toast understood, how it felt to have such a burden, such a curse on his shoulders his entire life. How trapped and helpless he was. To know that Sykkuno had never had someone to lean onto all his life except for the last year was even sadder to think about.
“You’re allowed to have this, too,” he continued. “This house, our friends, me. You can have it all if you want.”
“Do you want me, too?”
“You’re really some kind of an idiot, aren’t you?” Toast said gently, caressing Sykkuno's hair. “I gotta admit that I was desperate for anyone back then, anything that can alleviate the curse somehow. But I wouldn’t just let anyone stay for so long, curse and desperation be damned, if I don’t want them here, Sykkuno.”
He lifted himself up a little, Sykkuno following suit. He pointed to where his heart was beating steadily in its cage, now that they were alright, now that Sykkuno was back to his side. “Right here,” he said, and reached out to catch the tears falling from those wonderful, brown, red, yellow, red, red, red eyes. He felt his own eyes starting to sting, too.
“I want to stay here, too,” Sykkuno whispered, then placed his hand atop of Toast’s above his heart. “Right here.”
“Then stay,” Toast said, pulling him down to kiss him softly.
“I will,” Sykkuno said against his lips, leaning in to kiss him again. “Thank you, Toast.”
They slept there, together, in each other’s arms. Come the next morning, they would have to be ready for Sykkuno's family. They would have to be ready to fight to keep Sykkuno here, they would have to be ready to literally fight the world and the God to keep him where he wanted to be. Toast looked into himself, stared at his curse right in its sharp eyes as it grinned at him.
There was a feeling, something foreboding that resonated through Toast’s lungs like a particularly bad omen. All this time, Toast had always considered the possibility of Sykkuno going back home, but he had never thought about his family coming to take him away forcibly. A new possibility of Sykkuno being taken away right under his nose, and him not being able to do anything about it, made him afraid. That way, he would never be able to see Sykkuno again, or to visit him, or to ask him to go back here.
I need you right now, he said, disgusted by his own words. I need you to protect him. Take my body if you will. But you hurt even a strand of his perfect eyelashes, and I’ll burn the both of us into ashes.
Oh, you’re playing with fire right now, Jeremy, his curse replied, a sing-a-song voice that grated on his nerve. There’s nothing you’ll find here but inferno and ashes of the fallen. And you, will be another one amongst them.
Toast ignored it. He was done making his deal. Right now, all that mattered was the sound of their heartbeats against each other, the warmth of Sykkuno's body in his arms, the sense of love and care so deep it could drown him. This was what mattered all along, all his life. Toast didn’t understand it completely, but he was willing to know. Anything, anything to keep Sykkuno happy and be in control of his own freedom. Even if he had to sacrifice himself in doing so, then so be it.
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Toast quitted his job the next day. Everyone else took their day off for several days onwards in preparation. They called Jodi to strengthen the ward around their house, and she taught Lily how to make a simple alarm for a certain radius from their house. No one went out with without one of the others, and Sykkuno literally needed to extract himself from Toast so he could curl up on top of the kitchen counter because he kept gluing himself to Sykkuno's side.
Sykkuno slept a lot, a lot more than he usually did. He found new comfortable places to curl up in, included but not limited to: the kitchen table and counter, in front of Toast’s room, under the windows, the fucking stair banister, and the backyard where the grass had been growing to replace the bald patches he had tugged out of the roots. It was the cost of absorbing Toast’s curse, and for constantly concealing his presence and the house. If anything, it would slow down the search, even if his family was bound to find him anyway.
Scarra had been in contact with his associates, and had discussed the merits of keeping Sykkuno in Los Angeles for the time being instead of allowing his family to take him away forcefully. “They still can take you away, but they have to go through several procedures first,” he said. “We can create the obstacles in that. The council will not allow a clan to just do whatever they want and overthrow the balance of hierarchy of power, especially in a city that’s not under their control. I also have contacted some of my friends, and they agreed to stay around here as additional protection. They owe me something more than what your family could offer to them.”
“Thank you, William,” Sykkuno said sincerely.
Scarra rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s really weird when you refer to us with our real name like that.”
“I’ve always been taught to refer to people’s birth name to express sincerity in gratitude,” Sykkuno shrugged. “Or when I mean business. To some creatures, name is something powerful. Take a fairy, for example. Giving them your real name means that they can own you, but to some variant of fairies, your preferred and truly chosen name will grant them that power instead. In my clan, we chose our name, but we meant sincerity in emotions when referring to birth names.”
“That’s something new,” Yvonne said, jotting down the information into her phone. “We should talk sometimes, trade information. I certainly need your knowledge, and you need to be taught common sense. Who the fuck sleeps on the stair bannister?”
“Uh…” Sykkuno smiled awkwardly, already inching to the aforementioned stair banister to laze around. “Me?”
Toast took his time to recover, and to better control his curse with Sykkuno's and Yvonne's help. They researched day and night about curses, with Toast sticking by Sykkuno's side. He could feel the curse re-awakening inside him, healing all of his physical wounds and creating another deep-seated fear of being trapped in that cage of tendrils. His strength returned, and he had been sparring with Brodin and Sykkuno, and sometimes Michael—goddamn that kid was strong for a human, to alleviate the return of violent urges and how to manage it. Suffice to say, Toast sometimes had to be physically restrained by a fully transformed Sykkuno and Brodin’s knives. It was… really hard, now that he realized just how much stronger his curse had become.
“How can you absorb the curse?” Poki asked one day. It was the fourth day in their wait for Sykkuno's family. Everyone was more or less on edge, and Sykkuno had been so distressed that Toast had to buy a new comforter again because he had clawed the previous one into shreds in his agitation. “On that day. Why didn’t it affect you?”
“It affects me, or my energy to be precise,” Sykkuno said as he chewed on his lunch. “I dealt with curses mainly by absorbing or purifying the curse. I guess it comes with being a vessel and because I’m also trained in exorcism as preparation to be chief priest. I think that’s why they’re so adamant in keeping me pure, to preserve the power of purification. I guess the curse doesn’t affect me the way it affects other people because I neutralize it, though not completely. Toast’s curse is sentient and essentially a part of himself, I can’t purify is easily.”
“That’s something that we need to research as well,” Lily said to Yvonne. “I’ve been with Toast nearly his whole life, and at this point, we suspect that he’s born with the curse itself. I’ve never heard any case like that unless it’s a lineage thing. But no one in Toast’s family is cursed and they’ve never been involved with the supernatural directly or indirectly. How can a curse be a part of someone anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Yvonne said, sadness written all over her face. “That’s the problem. Toast is as much an anomaly as Sykkuno. Usually when a curse is that sentient and active, it corrodes the soul. But the curse affects his environment rather than himself, at least not in the way that it usually does with other people. A body will rot away under a curse that strong, along with their soul. Aside from the struggle of body claim, Toast is not affected like that.”
“I love how we talk about me as if I’m literally not here,” Toast commented.
Sykkuno laughed, turning to press a kiss on his temple before continuing his lunch. Lily sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Why do you need to sit like that anyway?” she accused, pointing out how Sykkuno was in Toast’s lap instead of sitting on his own chair. “Like, I know you gotta be close to Sykkuno all the time, but this is just straight up flexing.”
“That’s right,” Toast smirked. “Be jealous, you pathetic peasant.”
“We really have to talk about your manner, all of you,” Poki sighed, already thinking of parent-child counseling after all this mess was over with.
“Speak for yourself,” Toast quipped, handing Sykkuno a glass of water that he accepted gratefully. “I’m nicer than all of you combined.”
“Only for me, though,” Sykkuno, unexpectedly, joined in. He looked terribly smug about it, Toast couldn’t help but feel endeared at the sight.
“You’ll come to the counseling too,” Poki decided.
They had replaced the bed, several cupboards, and the nightstand, as well as some shelves in Toast’s bedroom. He didn’t want to sleep in it at first; he could still vividly see the fight that morning replaying in his head over and over again. But then again he wasn’t Sykkuno who could literally sleep everywhere, the couch was hell on his back. Besides, it was hard to say no when Sykkuno guided his hand, embraced Toast so softly in his lap, and whispered his name like he knew every nook and cranny of Toast’s dark side, and accepted it all.
He kissed Toast so softly, so gently, nipping at his lips lightly before soothing it with his tongue. Toast let himself went lax and boneless in Sykkuno's lap, feeling his warmth and the encompassing safety that came with his presence. He couldn’t, wouldn’t let this go. Sykkuno was right when he said that this was no longer about helping, no longer about the curse.
The truth was simple and painful and exhilarating all at the same time.
“I love you, I think,” Toast whispered late into the night when neither of them could fall asleep. “I don’t know how or whether it’s my emotions or not, but it’s really hard to keep my sanity intact with you around.”
“That’s really not how you should confess to someone,” Sykkuno chuckled, though he reached out his fingers to swipe Toast’s bangs away from his face. “I think I love you, too. You make me happy and fulfilled. Like it’s okay to make mistakes and be myself without fear, because you’ll be there in the end of the day.”
“You’re stupidly romantic, for some reason,” Toast said fondly. “Where did you get all those words from? Is it because you scoured the fiction side of the internet for too long?”
“Maybe,” Sykkuno teased. “The internet taught me a lot more than what my family is willing to show me.”
“That’s kinda sad,” Toast said, pulling him closer by the waist. “I do understand where your family comes from, but I don’t really give a shit about them. I care about you, and only nice to you, remember? I can show you everything you want, teach you anything I can.”
Sykkuno's lips curved into a pretty smile, taking Toast’s breath away from his lungs. He chased it with a kiss, inhaling the soft exhale from Sykkuno's lips, tilting his head to tangle their lips and tongue better. Kissing Sykkuno was a wonder of its own; sometimes it was so soft that Toast ache with it, sometimes it was passionate and wild that he was breathless from it. It was always something he looked forward to, everything about Sykkuno was something he wanted to have and witness, always.
“Stop thinking too much,” Sykkuno whispered between the kisses, slowly unbuttoning Toast’s pants and grasped his half-hard cock inside the boxers. “I can almost hear your gears turning.”
“I’m thinking of sappy things,” Toast admitted with a laugh that then transformed into a low moan when Sykkuno slid down to take him into his warm mouth. He gripped the soft strands of hair tightly when the pace quickened, giving him no time to adjust before he felt the tight clench of orgasm from deep within his gut.
“That was fast,” Sykkuno commented lightly, clicking his tongue to chase the taste of Toast’s cum that he had just swallowed.
Toast groaned. “Give me a break,” he laughed shakily. “We didn’t do anything other than kissing these past few days, and I’m pent up.”
“Okay,” Sykkuno said, undressing himself quickly. He smiled up at Toast, fingers trailing along the length of his softening cock as he purred, “If you’re so pent up, I think I certainly can help with that.”
“Oh, you little fox,” Toast chuckled, though he caught Sykkuno readily when he surged up to kiss him. His tongue tasted bitter and musky from the aftertaste of his cum, teeth sharp as it nipped and bit. They kissed slow and languid, no hurry in their movements as they explored each other’s body. Most of the time, sex with Sykkuno was a wild ride without reprieve. But sometimes it could be this slow dance that made the build up a little bit more excruciating, a little bit more breathtaking.
“Let me touch you,” Sykkuno whispered, kissing his neck lightly before he traipsed down to suck onto a nipple, rolling the bud between the fast flicks of his tongue. “Let me worship you.”
“Yeah,” Toast said in an exhale. “Please, Sykkuno.”
“You’re so cute when you’re desperate like this,” Sykkuno laughed, a little bit of his cruelty showing when his eyes ever so slowly brightened into red and yellow. “Should I suck you off again? I think you would enjoy me eating you out, wouldn’t you? Should I fuck you slow and deep, or would you like it more when I ride you? You seem to be fond of the sight of me bouncing on your cock.”
“Jesus fuck,” Toast groaned, something that felt like it had been dragged forcefully out of his lungs. “Yes,” he pleaded.
“Which one, Jeremy?” Sykkuno asked softly, so pretty in his taunt.
Toast shook when he felt warm breath against his puckered hole, a sharp hitch out of his mouth when he felt the first drag of warm, wet tongue on his skin. “All of that, please, please.”
The smirk on Sykkuno's lips was searing, pupil a slit as he blinked slowly at Toast before he went down and fulfilled all of his promises. Toast could only hold on for dear life as Sykkuno sucked him off to hardness, before letting go and clenched his dainty fingers tight on the base; keeping the grip tight as he ate Toast’s ass out like it was the best thing he could ever do in this life. His head was spinning from all of the sensation, the clever fingers coated with lube that slid alongside Sykkuno's tongue to finger him open, the dizziness from having his orgasm kept at bay.
When Sykkuno finally pushed inside, when Toast let out a silent moan at the feeling of being stretched so full, reaching inside him so deep, he nearly cum from the sensation alone. But Sykkuno's sharp eyes kept him from doing so, so Toast took a deep breath to slide down from the peak of his orgasm. He’d hold on; Sykkuno still had two more promises to keep.
True to his words, Sykkuno was unhurried in his pace. He kept purposefully avoid hitting Toast’s prostate, though the drag and stretch of his cock inside still made heat curl in Toast’s gut. He bit his lips, breath coming out shaky when Sykkuno hitched his hips up, pressing inside even deeper than before. Broken moans poured out of him when fingers touched his skin, pinched and pulled at his nipples, clenching tight around his hips when Sykkuno finally, finally picked up the pace.
“Are you close, darling?” Sykkuno asked sweetly, voice just the tiniest bit trembling as sweat slid down from his forehead to be caught on his long lashes. Toast nodded, not even opening his eyes in fear of coming too fast if he were to continue seeing the sight of Sykkuno, sweaty and strong and so, so pretty, fucking him open like he wanted to see Toast suffer, wanted to see him bloom for him. “Don’t you dare cum until I told you so, okay?”
“I—“ Toast stuttered, clenching his gut when he felt his orgasm climbing up again from such filthy, gently said command. “Okay,” he breathed out, “okay. But, please, Sykkuno—I can’t—“
“Hold on, okay? Just a little- a little bit more,” Sykkuno said, going harder and deeper each time he slid back into Toast’s hole, chasing his own orgasm.
Toast gripped the sheets tight between his fingers, body trembling from the onslaught of sensation and keeping his iron control intact. He was so close to coming, the threat that held himself together so close to snapping apart. Just when the pace and the feeling of Sykkuno's blunt head hitting his prostate dead on became too much, Sykkuno pulled out completely.
“Wha—“ he didn’t even have to ask, to make sense of the situation, to whine about why would he be stopping now? Because Sykkuno climbed onto his lap far easily, and guided Toast’s cock into his hole before sitting down without preamble.
They both let out loud, desperate moans at the sudden change of sensation. Toast’s hands immediately found purchase on Sykkuno's hips, fingers bruising delicate skin as Sykkuno smiled down at him. “That’s good,” the fox purred. “You’re holding up so great, Jeremy—fucking me so good.”
“Please,” he repeated, he didn’t know just how many times he had begged tonight. But he was willing to beg a thousand times more for this man, only for him. It was far too easy to be lost in the tight heat of Sykkuno's body, in the dangerous allure of his voice, in the searing depth of his red eyes, in everything that was this sweet, kind, gentle, viciously cruel man with everything that Toast had.
“Not yet,” Sykkuno threatened, claws elongating as he bent down to bit harshly on Toast’s neck, leaving his marks deeper than physical wound. The change of position made it easier for his hips to move on Toast’s cock, for Toast to thrust up into him with frenzied urgency.
Sykkuno kept the sharp tip of his claw close to Toast’s neck; not quite touching, but the threat and danger was apparent in them as he moved back and quickened his pace until Toast could no longer keep up. He lay there in the pool of his own sweat and lust, feeling Sykkuno tightening up as he was unrelenting in his hard pace. He reached out a hand to grasp the hard cock, jerking Sykkuno off in tandem with his thrusts, smiling when the man whined so beautifully for him.
It wasn’t long before Sykkuno was coming, spurts of white hitting Toast’s chest and chin. He didn’t let up with the tight grip of his inner muscles, however. He was panting, eyes alight and claws already retracting. He smiled lightly, guiding Toast’s hands back to his hips. “Go on, Jeremy. Take what you want, I’ll allow it.”
So Toast did, exerting his strength to thrust up deeper into Sykkuno at the same time he brought the sinewy body down onto his cock. The sweet, high-pitched cries only served to urge him on as he chased the peak of his desires. “So pretty, so tight for me, Sy-kkuno,” he stuttered out, feeling his stomach clenching and his release nearing.
He thrust up once, twice, before he pulled Sykkuno down as hard as he could, keeping him there with strong fingers on his hips as he came into the warm, willing body on top of him. He let out a soft groan as he felt himself emptied out inside Sykkuno, laughing a little afterwards when Sykkuno gave kitten licks on his chin, his chest; licking up his own semen from Toast’s skin.
“You’re almost like an incubus,” Toast said after he pulled out, drawing another soft moan from Sykkuno at the sensation. “I don’t understand why you like the taste so much.”
“I don’t,” Sykkuno said, smiling inappropriately bright for the topic. “I just like you a lot, that’s why. And I know you like the sight of me like that, that’s why I did it.”
“I should charge you every single time your filthy mouth say something like that,” Toast complained, “I’ll be rich in no time.”
“You’re already rich, though?”
“Richer than Jeff Bezos, at least,” he amended.
Sykkuno laughed, slipping off his lap to lay next to Toast, breaths a soft pant instead of an erratic one. “That’s impossible. Jeff is, like, the mega ultra-god of capitalism or something. You can’t beat him.”
“I’ll trust your judgment on that,” Toast settled, drawing Sykkuno in, sweat and all. “In the meantime, I’ll keep charging you.”
“We fuck all the time,” Sykkuno reminded him with a flick to his nose. “And I say that kind of thing on daily basis to provoke you. I’ll run out of money before a month.”
Toast laughed, hard and joyful. “So you do admit that you’re taunting and provoking me all this time.”
The smirk on Sykkuno's lips was mischievous as much as it was beautiful. Toast leaned in to taste it. When he pulled away, it had softened into a smile. “It’s hard not to when it’s you.”
“A sap,” Toast mocked, even if there was warmth blooming in his chest at the answer. He held Sykkuno tighter against his chest, listening to the soft hum from down low the man’s throat and letting it lull him to sleep—feeling deeply satiated, safe, and cherished.
-
Hell came upon them on a sunny Saturday morning. With it, came the kannushis and the start of Toast’s touch withdrawal.
Sykkuno had tensed up the moment he woke up, and Lily had warned them that there was a certain signature of magic that Sykkuno had described as member of his clans. They had arrived in Los Angeles, and had been closing in on them these past few days.
There were twenty men who came to their gate. Sykkuno was locked up with Brodin and Poki keeping him company while Toast and Scarra went out to meet the barrage of intruders. Scarra’s contacts were spread all over the neighborhood, and Toast knew they were waiting for confrontations. The kannushis, as Sykkuno had previously described, were all dressed in formal robes and bowed to them when they appeared at the gate. Their politeness a mere mask as their eyes hardened when they zeroed in on Toast—they could feel the taste of Sykkuno's magic and his curse in an instant. He had to give it to them, they were sharp and capable. Everything that they had anticipated about Sykkuno's clan.
“Greetings,” one of the kannushis said, bowing lightly again to Scarra and ignored Toast completely. “We are here for our saishu. Is he inside? We would like to retrieve him back to Nikko Tosho-gu with us immediately. He has inconvenienced you enough this past year, and we will guarantee that we compensate you greatly for the hassle.”
Toast sneered, drawing their attention. His hatred rolled off of him in waves, his curse laughing at him from the inside. “How funny that you addressed him as your chief priest, and yet talked about him like he’s a mere thing to, ah, retrieve back to that hell-hole you call your shrine. Aren’t shrines supposed to be a holy place? Does it involve treating someone like an object there?”
“We would advise you to watch your mouth, Jeremy Wang,” a kannushi said sharply. Of course they knew his name already. “You do not understand the matter of our clan, nor our tradition. It is simply best to keep your entitled arrogance out of our business.”
“You’re right,” he said coldly, smiling lightly when some of them stepped back as the tendrils of his curse spread. Scarra wisely stepped back from him to prevent himself from being affected too much. These people, these assholes, wouldn’t stand a chance if they were to be taken down. Not even their funny exorcism could prevent him from murdering them all. For once, he was glad for his violence and blood-thirst, as long as it wasn’t directed at Sykkuno. “I don’t know a thing about your so-called disgusting tradition of forcing someone into something they don’t want to be, nor giving him a choice or a chance to live his life the way they want to. I could care less about you and your clan, but Sykkuno is ours and nothing can change that. Go back to your shrine and find someone else to be your vessel.”
“I see that he has told you about his childish wishes and irresponsibility,” one of the men said, the previous one who had spoken for the first time. He seemed to be the leader of the entourage. Toast’s eyes narrowed at his words, but the man heeded him no mind. “This isn’t some matter that should be tampered with humans, however. This is the business between gods and their vessels, and you have nothing to do with it. Now, we would appreciate it if we can end these useless pleasantries. Bring us Sykkuno, and we will bring no harm to you and your families.”
Toast looked at them, with the ever increasing hatred and despise on his face. But he stepped back nonetheless to let Scarra take care of this matter. He was too clouded with prejudice and anger to properly speak anymore. All he wanted was to cut them in half. He trusted that Scarra would know how to protect them all.
“I thank you for your visit,” Scarra said politely, bowing slightly. “But I’m afraid I have to refuse your request. This is not your land, and you cannot just bring a living, breathing, person with his own will out of here without express permission from the council. He is a member of my family, and thus someone important to me. That also extends to his importance as an esteemed guest in this city in the face of the council. You may go and talk to them for the proper procedure. I am offering you a better way to achieve your goals. I expect you and your upbringing to understand this matter. If not…”
Scarra’s face hardened, he snapped his fingers and all of the sudden, men and women and everything in-between of all kind of creatures swarmed around them. They were all ready to fight and repay the favor they owed to Scarra. The man nodded at the leader of the entourage. “I am willing to offer you the legal, more pleasant way of bringing Sykkuno back, but do not mistake it as submission. You will regret if you think that we aren’t capable of threats and violence as well.”
“You fool,” hissed the leader. “You arrogant, foolish humans and creatures just don’t know the importance of his presence in our shrine. You’re condemning us to live a life cursed by the gods!”
“You’re condemning his life to live chained to the gods for his entire life!” Toast growled out.
He was ready when the attack came, hands finding the kannushi’s leader neck and snapped it within seconds. He exerted his strength and pulled with all his might until the flesh ripped and tore under his fingers. The headless body fell limply on the ground, bleeding out and twitching in its post mortem. Toast looked at the shocked faces of the entourage with satisfaction, throwing the head to one of them carelessly.
“Take that back as a souvenir,” he said conversationally, flicking the blood off of his fingers with feigned nonchalance. “Sykkuno will leave as he pleased. He can stay forever here if he wants, and none of you can say otherwise. It will be his choice only, and none of yours when he does.”
The kannushis, who were at the ready after the attack, looked at each other. One of them finally stepped forward to carefully take the head, and another one took the headless body. “Very well,” the kannushi said. “You have delivered your threat clear enough for us. Be warned, however, that this action will not go unpunished. Saishu can’t stay forever in this city when he’s already part of Inari Ōkami. He had to draw magic from the correct source in our shrine. He will weaken, and he will have no choice in coming back to us. Your attempts to keep him here will be futile, you wretched, cursed thing.”
“This wretched, cursed thing has a name, and you already know it,” Scarra said, warning clear in his voice as he stepped in front of Toast to shield him. He knew that Toast didn’t need the protection, but Toast appreciated the gesture either way. “And so does your saishu. His name is Sykkuno. It will do you well to coax him to go back to you if you actually make effort to know the person instead of a vessel that you put on a pedestal.”
The kannushi said nothing, only looked at them with resignation and loathing in his face. Toast understood that they were just following orders, that in a way they couldn’t help the way they were raised and instructed to behave in the shrine and towards Sykkuno. But it made his blood boil anyway to hear them talking about Sykkuno like that. It wasn’t always fair for neither the kannushi nor was it for Sykkuno. But Toast would always follow the latter, no matter how selfish, how wrong he was in the eyes of others.
They retreated with a last warning of ‘saishu will have to come back to us to fulfill his responsibilities’. Toast let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding as he leaned against the gate. Scarra was talking to his associates. They agreed to be in watch in case something happened. Some of them had to go back to their cities, but some of them decided to stay and Scarra promised them that the council will take care of them, or at least he would under his personal name.
When they got back inside the house, Sykkuno was curled up in anxiety on Brodin’s lap as the half-vampire carded long fingers through his hair. The sight brought comfort instead of jealousy to Toast’s heart, knowing that Sykkuno had someone to take care of him when Toast was absent. He ignored the venomous whisper of his curse and caught Sykkuno in his arms when the man immediately jumped up to him.
Sykkuno clung to him tightly, legs around Toast’s waist and arms around his neck. Toast chuckled and sat down on the couch, patting his back gently. “It’s okay. They went back. Everything is okay; Scarra takes care of it already.”
“I know,” Sykkuno whispered, his voice trembling a little. “I just don’t like the thought of you going out there without me. And- and because of them. I just- I don’t want to go back there again, Toast. I don’t want to ever go back.”
“You won’t have to,” Toast promised him. “We’ll keep you safe here, okay? It’s okay, little darling.”
Sykkuno only nodded, still not letting up with his hold. The others were asking Scarra about how it went, letting out gasps of surprise and, surprisingly, laughter when they heard about the decapitation.
“Our Toast has grown up to be a formidable man,” Poki said with faux tears on her eyes. She dabbed at them dramatically. “Ah, never thought I’ll see the day.”
“One day I swear I’ll give in to the urge to touch all of you without my gloves,” he told them, sighing fondly despite his annoyance. It was nice, to have acceptance even in his gruesome nature.
“When you no longer have a curse, you mean?” Lily perked up, laughing. “You’re so wholesome, Toast, awh.”
“Can you and your stupid voice shut up already,” Toast snapped back, smiling when he felt Sykkuno trembled with laughter this time around.
“Oh, you’re down so bad,” Lily said gleefully when she noticed his smile.
He was, he thought privately. He was down so bad for this stray cat, this little fox. His smile faltered, however, when Sykkuno pulled away and Yvonne stepped closer to them. There was… something in Sykkuno's face when he carefully extricated himself to sit next to Toast instead. “What’s happening?” Toast asked, confused.
“Toast, do you remember when we talked in the kitchen that one time?” Yvonne started, smiling gently. Toast didn’t trust it even for a second. “About how a curse usually corrodes someone’s soul and body?”
He nodded, mulled it around in his head. He then looked at them both. “You think there’s something going on with my soul.”
“I have a suspicion,” Sykkuno admitted. “But I would like to confirm it.”
“Okay,” he nodded slowly. He trusted Sykkuno, but he didn’t trust that it would do something good for the man himself. “What do you have in mind?”
Sykkuno took a deep breath, and nodded to himself in encouragement. “I intentionally waited for the kannushis to come first before doing this. I’ve been thinking about this for some time now. They already know about our location, so there’s no use in concealing myself anymore. I can use the power at least more than before. I- I would like to check your soul.”
“Check how?” Toast asked again.
“I’ll show you, okay?” Sykkuno said gently, taking hold of both of Toast’s hands. “Close your eyes, don’t open it even if you feel discomfort. When you feel something inside, something familiar to you, just know that it’s me. Don’t push me away.”
He nodded, closing his eyes. He didn’t know what kind of discom—oh. There it was. He didn’t know what was going on since he couldn’t see anything, but he could feel it. The surge of power from Sykkuno, the encompassing heat and the faint crack of thunder from afar. The discomfort came when he felt something nudged inside the tendrils around his chest. Sykkuno was right, it was familiar. Something he recognized as the fox inside of Sykkuno. His curse reacted in an instant, hissing and growling, trying to repel the lightning making its way through the darkness. Sykkuno had a good grip on his consciousness however; he was unrelenting in his search. Toast didn’t know what he was looking for, and how, but he endured the discomfort that steadily grew into pain for as long as he could.
When the lightning dissipated, and he felt Sykkuno's gentle hands holding him close, Toast let out a shaky breath. He was trembling all over from pain that was quickly dissipating from his bones. He felt fingers running through his hair, and leaned into the embrace more firmly. “It’s okay, it’s over now, Toast,” Sykkuno said softly. “You’re okay now.”
Lily handed him a glass of water with a little smile on her face. Sykkuno helped him drink it, gulping down like he had just been stranded on Sahara. “What- what did you see?” he asked after he was finished.
“A funny coincidence,” Sykkuno said. “You have two souls. One that is latched on by the curse, and another one that is completely untouched. That one belongs to you, the other one feels… familiar. But I can’t quite my finger on it. That’s why we need to research it.”
“Okay,” he nodded, frowning. That was truly a weird coincidence. Sykkuno had no soul, and Toast had two of it. Was it another point of connection? That he recognized Sykkuno's state of soullessness and his own abundance of it? He frowned deeper when Yvonne gestured for Michael to come closer. The man looked at Toast with a maniacal grin. That meant nothing good whatsoever. “Spit it out.”
“The three of us will do the research,” Yvonne said, point to Sykkuno, Michael, and herself. “I’ll direct us to my contacts, and we need Michael to do the fast thinking, and Sykkuno as the source of supernatural knowledge and as someone who’s familiar with your curse and soul.”
“Around?” Toast repeated. “Absolutely not. Especially since I can’t go. He can be attacked anytime!”
“You forgot that I can defend myself,” Sykkuno reminded him, though not unkindly. “I can handle it, Toast. Lily will come with us, too, just in case we are followed by someone else.”
“You’re lucky you can stay at home and laze around,” Lily complained, only half-joking. “I have to come as supernatural detector.”
Toast didn’t smile. He still didn’t like this idea. He couldn’t go because it would include being amongst other people who weren’t as resilient and familiar with his curse. It would just slow down the research, he knew. But going around researching like that would take a long time, not to mention the danger that would be exposed to them.
“I don’t like this,” he said out loud.
“I don’t like it either,” Sykkuno admitted, holding onto Toast’s hand. “But we have little options here, Toast. The curse is steadily getting stronger, and I can’t continuously absorb it when I’m so far away from the power source that I’m tied to. We have to go through every viable option, you understand that, right?”
“I- yeah, I do,” he sighed, closing his eyes again. “Will you come home every few days?”
“I will,” Sykkuno said, a smile in his voice. “I can carry them with me, and I’m fast on my feet, remember?”
“Ugh, I don’t want to imagine the practicality of our transportation,” Yvonne said, already looking sick herself.
“It’s the fastest way around,” Michael said, looking gleeful in turn. Of course he’d be exhilarated about the chance of witnessing it. “If you or Lily threw up on me, I’ll experiment on you until you beg me to stop.”
“Michael,” Lily sighed, sounding so, so tired already despite not starting yet.
“Okay,” Toast said. “Just- be careful out there. Use their phone to contact me. Always be on your guard, do you understand?”
“Okay, Toast,” Sykkuno nodded. “Thank you. We’ll try our best.”
Toast, too, was trying his best not to let his instincts take over; to keep Sykkuno by his side, to prevent him from going anywhere where danger could follow, to follow him instead and not caring in the slightest if his curse affected other people. He tried harder when he realized, three days into Sykkuno's research, that he couldn’t touch Sykkuno as often now. They only touched each other for a night before the man had to go back to run around the city to gather information.
Poki went to work accompanied by Brodin now. Sometimes Toast went with her on her meetings. It was a pretty funny sight to see, because Poki would smirk when the attendee felt dizzy and she won over the arguments far easier than usual. Scarra was busy with the council, and Toast opened his service as freelance business consultant just to stave off the boredom.
The amount of days he spent without Sykkuno accumulated higher and higher. Toast could feel it, how his control was relapsing more and more. How his hands trembled and he couldn’t breathe at time because he couldn’t reach out for Sykkuno across the bed, or to go out of his room and see him sleeping on the backyard. His hands itched all the time under his gloves that he had taken to wear more regularly now that there was no one in the house that could directly touch him. He felt awful all the time, agitated and cold-sweating a lot more than he usually did.
Calling Sykkuno helped, having him home helped tremendously, but he couldn’t exactly cling onto the man every single minute. He had to move around, eat, and shower, too. Not to mention catching up on naps on places that Toast couldn’t exactly follow. How the fuck was he supposed to stay on the roofs for four hours without falling and being burnt by the sun while Sykkuno napped comfortable there?
He finally understood why Sykkuno liked kneading the comforter all the time. It brought him a sense of calmness, to alleviate his agitation through something. Though it also brought his longing to the forefront of his mind because it reminded him of Sykkuno. He wasn’t doing good, and he knew it.
Sykkuno knew it too. Five months into the research, he came home with a tired smile and worry on his face when Toast held him with trembling arms on their bed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered to Toast’s hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here with you. I’m sorry, Toast. Just a little bit longer, okay?”
“Okay,” he nodded weakly. He felt weak, tired, he felt like his energy was drained all the time with the sudden reappearance of the absence of touch in his life. He held Sykkuno tighter, unwilling to let him go so soon despite knowing that the man had to shower and eat. “Just- sleep on the bed with me when you want to nap.”
“I can do that,” Sykkuno said, pulling back to give him an apologetic look. “Sorry, sometimes it just doesn’t feel right when I don’t sleep at the places I wanted to be in.”
Toast let out a light chuckle. “Under the windows is the right place instead of the bed?”
“You’re lucky I’m too big to actually sleep on top of the windows,” Sykkuno joked, swatting at Toast’s arm.
In moments like this, everything was alright. The trembling stopped and the agitation receded. But then Sykkuno had to leave again, and Toast was back to feeling anxious. It was his last trip, he promised. They had been going around asking all kind of creatures and magical beings for information. They even went to Janet, to Toast’s surprise. He didn’t want to imagine how awkward it must have been, so he didn’t ask. They had been hitting walls throughout the research.
They discussed it with Toast every single time they went back. They were successful in determining that the existence of another soul inside Toast might be an indication that he was born with the curse instead of getting it in his childhood. The source was still questionable. But theoretically speaking, Michael thought that it should be possible to pull out the root of the curse by destroying the extra soul that it had latched onto. Another possible thing was that the soul might belong to somebody else and can be returned; the downside was that there was no way to know whose soul it belonged to, and there was no sane person who would be happy to have their soul returned with a vicious curse as the extra baggage.
The problem was, there was no one who knew how to destroy the soul with a curse in it. Especially when it was so closely tied to Toast’s own soul. There was no guarantee that he wouldn’t be killed in the process. Being soulless was more common than he thought. It wasn’t like the metaphorical sense where they were inherently evil and had no emotions whatsoever. It was more akin to being untethered and unable to die peacefully because their soul was gone and there was nowhere to go to after the death. But it was still debatable since afterlife was exclusive to certain beliefs only, and Toast wasn’t a religious person, nor was he a part of creatures that specifically had a metaphysical form of afterlife. He was just a human with a curse, that was all.
At the end of their research, Yvonne was so sick of being carried by Sykkuno throughout the city with neck-breaking speed and Michael now had a new hobby of poking and prodding Sykkuno and pressuring him into showing his power for his experiments. Sykkuno endured it all with his chicken laughter and gentle smiles. Lily, somehow, had gotten herself a new teacher to better channel her magic, and Sykkuno had too many admirers from his short meetings with them. They each had something to carry with them, including Yvonne who now owed people some favor and had people owing her something—everything but the actual answer itself.
Toast knew that something must have changed in the last trip, because even if Sykkuno was within reach right now, he felt… distant. He kept to himself more, and spent his time pulling out the patches on the grass as he thought. Toast accompanied him whenever he wasn’t consulting someone through his computer, but they didn’t talk. He didn’t know what the man was thinking, and in a way, he thought that maybe he was too afraid to ask. Toast might be a careless, apathetic person, but it didn’t mean that he was immune to the more delicate kind of emotions.
So he just tried to be there for Sykkuno, tried to convey his feelings through his touches as best as he could. Sometimes Sykkuno would look so tired and resigned, and he would give Toast such a grateful look when Toast readily held him close. There were times when he heard Sykkuno crying silently in the middle of the night.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, voice hoarse with sleep. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to leave you,” Sykkuno whispered, tears running down his face like the rain that nowadays had plagued the city. It wasn’t from the weather, he knew. It was all because of Sykkuno's mood. “Be it my responsibility, or the curse, I don’t want to be parted from you. Maybe I’m desperate, maybe I’m not thinking straight, but there are things that I just can’t explain. I just wanna stay here, Toast.”
He gathered Sykkuno close, sighing deeply. He understood that feeling, that desperation. The urge to be close. He understood it too intimately. He knew that there was small chance for them to stay together for a long time. Not when the looming threat of Sykkuno's family and his curse was still around the corner. One obstacle after another that they had no way of avoiding or running away from. They were helpless, in all kind of senses.
But right here, in his arms, Toast would try his damnedest to keep the connecting chain between them. To defy gods and their curses just to be close with this enigmatic, confusing stray cat. “I’ll be here, even for a night, I’ll always be here,” he said.
“What if it’s not enough?” Sykkuno asked, voice small and afraid.
Toast had no answer to that, because he had been asking himself the same question. He had no way of knowing what to do when his desires of being with Sykkuno wasn’t enough to keep him by his side. So he didn’t say anything, letting tears cascade down Sykkuno's cheeks as his heart broke all over again from their sorrow and tragedy.
That night, too, had changed something. Toast remembered the foreboding feeling inside his lungs when he made the deal with his curse. The feeling that Sykkuno would be taken away and he would be helpless in preventing that. Except, this time, when Sykkuno sat next to him on the backyard, fingers no longer pulling the patches of, it would be Sykkuno who let himself slip under the dark water.
“I’m going back.”
Toast felt his blood froze into shards of ice upon hearing those words. He turned stiffly to look at Sykkuno; hearing, but not understanding a word. What- what did he mean by going back? What the fuck did he mean by going back, when he had spent the past one and a half-year trying not to go back there?
As if sensing his thoughts, Sykkuno looked at Toast straight in the eyes. “I think I found a way to get rid of your curse, and I need to go back in order to know about the details.”
“Explain,” Toast said curtly, unable to hide his shock and bitterness from his voice.
Sykkuno swallowed, eyes dimming at Toast’s tone. “I know it’s surprising,” he started, “I know that this seems like I’ve wasted away all of our efforts. But, Toast, you have to know that I love you. I’m willing to give everything I have if only to get rid of the curse and you can live normally, happily.”
“And how am I supposed to be happy when you’re back there, suffering on your own?” Toast shot back. It wasn’t about not letting Sykkuno go when he wanted to, because that was the fucking problem. He didn’t look like he wanted to step into the Nikko Tosho-gu shrine anymore. If he thought that by going back there, he’d solve their problems, then he had another thing coming. “I’m willing to live with my curse, Sykkuno. I don’t need you sacrificing your freedom for me. I want you to be happy too, and look at you right now. You’re not happy at all with your decision.”
“It’s not about being happy, Toast,” Sykkuno sighed. “Please, just let me explain, okay? I don’t want to argue. Especially not when I’m leaving soon.”
“Soon?” Toast asked, alarmed. “How soon?”
“After this,” Sykkuno answered, dejected.
There was a brief, excruciating pain that gripped at Toast’s heart. That was far too soon, there wouldn’t even be enough time for him to convince himself to let Sykkuno go. He felt his heart beating fast, breath coming out in staccato. He startled when he felt Sykkuno reached for his hand, but then chased it on his own and gripped the long fingers between his own.
“There is a possibility… that I can pull out your curse without damaging you, but I need more power and knowledge for that—“
“You’re going to ascend,” Toast realized. “Are you out of your goddamned mind?! You said it yourself how it’s going to chain you down for your whole life!”
“Toast!” Sykkuno shouted, afraid of confrontation and anguish before he had to leave. His voice was trembling when he spoke next, when Toast bit his lip and resolutely kept his stare ahead of him at the fence around the backyard. “There- there’s something that I’ve suspected since a long time ago, since we met. But I need you to search for your own confirmation. Go back home, Toast. Ask your mother about your birth and the events surrounding it. And then… make your decision. I’ll- I’ll wait in the shrine for you. Whatever your decision would be, I’ll still ascend.”
“But why?” Toast asked, weak and despairing. He didn’t understand why Sykkuno was so adamant in bringing himself down. Didn’t he understand that his suffering was Toast’s suffering as well? He loved him, there was no way he could just stand and watch when Sykkuno was so resigned to a life as an object.
“I’m getting weaker, Toast,” Sykkuno admitted with a deep sigh. “If I’m just any other supernatural creature, this won’t be a problem. But I’ve always been a vessel of Inari Ōkami since I was born. I have to draw my power from the source within the shrine, and the reserve that I have right now is thinning by the days because I’ve used it so much for the past one and a half year. Even if I’m not using my magic, the act of containing the kami’s soul alone would need energy. I can’t stay here forever in this state.”
Toast closed his eyes, unable to accept the reality. The reality where his worst nightmare had come to life, right in front of his eyes, while he really was unable to do anything about. What could he do when it concerned Sykkuno's own magic? The magic that was tied to him since birth. He opened his eyes, heaving several deep breaths, trying to swallow the bitter pill.
“Why must it be my mother?” he then asked. “She doesn’t know anything about supernatural world.”
“No, she might not,” Sykkuno said, reaching out to caress the side of Toast’s face. “But she might know what happened when you were born. We need that information. I- I don’t know whether what I think is right or wrong. But on the case that it’s right, then I will know what to do. You will know, too, once you ask her. I have a feeling that she might have an answer, though maybe it might not be what we have expected.”
“You know,” Toast smiled sadly, pressing his face against the warm palm. “This is the only time I actually hate it when you talk like a politician. But I understand you have your reason, so I’ll let it go.”
“Thank you, Toast,” the man breathed out in relief.
“Is this goodbye, then?” he asked, bitter and unwilling.
Sykkuno looked at him mournfully. He shook his head. “I’ll wait for you, always. You only need to make your decision. If your decision does not allow our paths to cross again, then I’ll still wait for you, Toast.”
“I love you,” Toast said, cupping Sykkuno's face with the both of his hands. “When you come back there, when you’ve ascend, I want you to remember that I love you, that I want you to be happy, that I’ll wait for you, too. Even if I have to wait for a thousand years.”
Sykkuno's lips trembled; tears glistened brightly in his red-yellow eyes under the sun. “I love you, too,” he whispered against Toast’s lips, kissing him with such longing and desperation that Toast felt in the marrow of his bones. “I’ll always love you, Toast.”
“I know,” Toast said, certain of his conviction despite his heartache. He had had his heart broken before, had tasted disappointment and sorrow. But none of them could ever compare to this moment—where he had to let go of his beloved out of his own will. It just made everything worse, how it made sense in his head, Sykkuno's decision. He understood his willingness to sacrifice his own freedom out of his love for Toast. Because would be willing to do the same. This time, he had to be willing to let Sykkuno thought what was right.
“Send my regards to the others,” Sykkuno said, climbing on Toast’s lap to embrace him so tightly, as if he was trying to imprint this moment, the feeling of Toast in his arms. He needed this for the long, harsh winter to come.
“I’ll come back there for you,” Toast promised. “No matter what happen, what will happen, I’ll come for you, okay?”
Toast knew that Sykkuno believed him, though he didn’t necessarily believe that it could happen. But that was alright, that was Toast’s job to find out. The both of them just had to wait in their own terms. He tightened his arms around Sykkuno, inhaling the faint scent of jasmine, of thunder and rain, of death and deceit. He didn’t know how he could go on without these scents enveloping him like an embrace of a lover.
When Sykkuno's hold loosened, Toast held him tighter for a moment before reluctantly letting him go. He looked at the face in front of him. A face that he was so familiar with, longer than one and a half year, as if he had been seeing Sykkuno who whole life, as if they had met and touched each other’s heart since the moment they were born. Sykkuno gave him that safety and familiarity, inspired in his the instinct of protecting and trusting that he would be protected in return. A sense of completion, as if he was finally balanced and right, finally whole with this man by his side.
Now that he had to go, it felt like ripping a bandage from a gaping wound. It was painful, to experience something so great, only for it to be taken away like this. He let out a trembling exhale, and nodded at Sykkuno. “Be careful, you know where to find me, if you ever go back. And I’ll find you, when the time is right.”
“Okay,” the man replied, smiling softly as he caressed Toast’s face one more time before he got up. “Take care, then. We shall meet again when the time comes.”
Toast watched, half in sadness and half in fascination, as the soft flame enveloped Sykkuno, before a small cat appeared in front of him in lieu of the man. The cat was white, with grey coloring at the tip of its ears, and on its tails. Tails. The cat had two tails. Toast laughed, even harder when the cat seemed to wink at him.
“So you really are a cat, huh,” he said, shaking his head a little. This must have been Sykkuno's true form, instead of the fox. He couldn’t believe that someone was actually a cat, despite witnessing it right in front of his eyes. It was still mindboggling.
The cat meowed lightly, circling around his feet once, before it took off; easily jumping over the high fence, and after a tinkle of familiar laughter that seemed to resound inside Toast’s mind, it was gone. Sykkuno was gone, now. Toast let out another breath to alleviate the sudden sense of loss and sadness that overcame him. Their parting wasn’t a disastrous one, and he even got a small laughter out of the display of transformation. But this wasn’t a farewell, he promised himself. He still had something to do, after all.
They would meet again. They would.
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