#prettiest most talented sparkly boy ever!!!

[hypezombies]

Imagine Byler confessing to each other and having their first kiss happen before the final battle and they're so excited for their future together but Will dies. And Jonathan, who knew about Will being in love with Mike, is obviously a mess over losing his baby brother. And Nancy tries to stay close to him and bring him even the slightest amount of comfort. And she does the same with Mike. And one day her and Jonathan end up talking about Mike, about how he's dealing with the situation. And Jonathan decides to go visit him, trying to be strong for his brother's lifelong bestfriend, knowing that that's what he needs and that they can help one another in their shared pain. And Mike tells him everything, how he told Will he was in love with him, how Will had told him he loved him too, how they kissed and everything was right in the world and Mike felt a happiness he didn't even think existed. And how he saw all of that reflected on Will's face. But everything shattered in a matter of seconds. Their future together, finally being able to let out their intense love for each other, let it breathe and live and thrive outside the deepest corners of their hearts, where it had been confined till that moment, completely vanished. The seemingly immortal boy who came back from the dead, survived being possessed by an alien being and multiple attacks from interdimensional creatures, just… gone. Forever. And with him all he ever was and ever would have been. A sweet, sensitive, selfless, caring and compassionate boy, who was oh so strong and brave and oh so passionate and loving and creative. And had eyes so big and beautiful and sparkly, that held all the gentleness of the world but would fill up with tears so easily. And soft, steady hands, with callous fingers that were able to give life to such magical, adventurous scenarios that he and his friends would daydream about daily. And his art was the prettiest Mike had ever seen, cause he was so young but so talented and had such a bright future ahead of him. But he was taken so soon. When he was still just a sweet, caring, compassionate boy. Nothing more than a boy. And now all that remaines of him are the memories of all the people who had the privilege to love and be loved by such a person, who was made of nothing but wonder. And the lingering feeling of his lips pressed against Mike's that he couldn't get out of his head. It had felt like a moment then, when they still had a future awaiting them. And now, with the knowledge that he was never going to experience it again, it felt even more like an instant. An instant that would forever be ingrained in his brain and on his skin, burning with the same passion and intensity of that moment. And that love that had once driven both Jonathan and Mike to do the most deranged things to get Will back, was now the very same thing that was destroying them from the inside. A love that no one else could understand. The love of an older brother, who more often than not had been a father to his sibling and the love of a childhood bestfriend, that had slowly matured into romantic. The love of a soulmate. And they both know they're the only ones who could feel this type of love, this type of hurt, cause they were both the only one for Will. The only older brother, the only childhood bestfriend with whom he was deeply in love. And Will was equally the only one for them. And always will be. And so they hold each other and cry knowing that they lost the best person they would ever get to know in their lives. Knowing that those tears are now the only way they could express their love for him. Tears that come directly from the deepest parts of their souls, where words can't travel to. Parts that words would never get to explore and know and share with the world what lives in them

[derangedspacefreakk]

Kaeru decides to go out of her shell and interact with kaiju (incorrect quotes):

Kaeru, trying to come out: how did none of you hear what I just said?

Ichi: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours

San:I got distracted about halfway through

Ni: ignoring you was a conscious decision

---------

Kaeru: Yo is Arachne sleeping or dead?

Ichi:dead, I hated that girl

Ni: me too

Arachne: okay first of all, fuck you-

-------

Kaeru, who is essentially a young adult: I think I have a midlife crisis

Godzilla, million years older than her: Your like 15 years old

Kaeru:I MIGHT DIE AT 30!

---------

San: Kaeru and i have a bit of chemistry with eachother in which we finish eachother's s-

Kaeru:sentences.

San: don't interrupt me.

----------

Kaeru holding a Warbat: Guys I impulsively brought a snake, what should I name him?

Rodan: you did what-

San: William Shakespeare

-------------

Kaeru: If you had to choose between Godzilla and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

San: That depends, how much money are we taking about?

Godzilla: San!

Kaeru: 63 cents.

San: I'll take the money.

Godzilla: SAN!!!

---------------

*The group is over at Kaeru's house*

San: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Kaeru: ... N-No...

Kaeru: How many ovens do you think I have???

San, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!

Mothra: I see a-

Kaeru, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

San: Oh, well I-

Kaeru: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*

Kaeru, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

San: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Godzilla: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Kaeru: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!

Kaeru: I am someone who owns four ovens...

Kaeru, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...

Kaeru: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...

Ichi, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!

Kaeru:

Manda: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Kaeru:

Kaeru, fucking ECSTATIC,the first time the group ever seeing her like this: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

-----------

Kaeru: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE

Mothra: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially

Kaeru, desperately, as Mothra bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Mothra: Oh! B positive.

Kaeru,still mourning after Arachne: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Mothra:

-----------

Kaeru: You're a loose cannon, Arachne.

Arachne: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Ichi: I think you play by your own rules.

San: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.

Kaeru: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Arachne: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Ni is a loose cannon.

Ni: *smashes a chair*

-----------

Kaeru: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Arachne: 'Prettiest Smile'

Ichi: 'Nicest Personality'

Ni: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

San: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

-----------

Kaeru: What’s something you guys are better than Ni at?

Ichi: Mario Kart.

San: Yeah, video games.

Goji: Emotional vulnerability

--------

Kaeru, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me

Ichi, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

-----------

Kaeru, turning in a simp for spiders: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Battra: Killed without hesitation.

Kaeru: No.

----------

Kaeru: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Scylla: I do have a sense of humor you know

Kaeru: I’ve never heard you laugh before

Scylla: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

-----------

Kaeru: Change is inedible.

Rodan: Don't you mean inevitable?

Kaeru, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

-----------

Kaeru: Am I in trouble?

Rodan: Take a guess.

Kaeru: No?

Rodan: Take another guess.

--------

Kaeru: I was thinking I'd do some magic-

Gigan: You? Magic? Kaeru, it says talent show.

----------

Kaeru: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so lets go for 12 more just incase.

Muto Barb: Kaeru, that's a coma.

Kaeru: Sounds festive.

-------------

Kaeru: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Mothra leo's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get them out...

---------------

Gigan: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you

Kaeru: 10 times 0 is still 0 though

Gigan: Jokes on you, I can't do math

-----------

Kaeru, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

San, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you’re staying home and having my kids

Rodan: what the fuck are you guys doing?

San: playing systemic oppression

[haechanhues]

My Analysis Of Enhypen (From I-Land mostly) and I was going to do it straight out of watching it, but it was like 2am and the next day I was sick so today it is :) (Edit : It took a couple of days to even write it) and I also watched some Enhypen videos so.... yup but I’ll try my best to keep it to my observations with I-Land and like the behind videos 

Sunoo

- My expectation of him : I thought he’d be the loud one like San/Wooyoung  is in ATEEZ from the get go but he was so shy at first. Watching him open up and spread who he is as a person was one of my favourite parts of the show. He also became more confident in himself and his abilities. You may think differently but if you take the first episode and last episode as examples, you’ll be able to see his level of comfort in showing his qualities as a person.

- In saying that, his expressions, especially in brighter concepts astound me. Like in those concepts, he just has the spotlight. For real, for real. He can also do intense concepts too. Amazing. He also has a voice that surprises me, like you’d expect his voice to be slightly higher but it’s among the lower tones (I don’t know the tonal scale)

- He doesn’t really take too harshly to teasing or when the other people poke fun at him. He takes it in good stride (Though nobody should go overboard) He just accepts it as it is with a smile or maybe a little sigh or even just teasing back. He knows it’s all with a good heart. I find that really admirable - it’s not an easy trait to have. Also the fact he can joke with the others as well.

- I love the way he monitors others, especially his members, and like he can make a person feel good. Like the way he without any hesitancy will help style another person’s hair if they asked or whatever. He just wants to do well, together. He wants to share his happiness with other people and I think that’s such a reason to love him. He also is the first to emphasise the beauty in every person. He brings attention to it in such a beautiful, caring way. He also can see the bigger picture so easily and so thoughtfully. Always looking for others.

- In saying all this, I have a theory that he was chosen as the producer’s pick because he has this ability to him. Like a moodmaker is someone that keeps the team’s spirits up and provide the stress relief and I feel he’s more than that? He has absolute faith in other people and can bring out hidden components of a person they didn’t really know they had e.g Sunghoon during Chamber 5/ The Heeseung Aegyo fiasco. Like he has this flamboyancy and shamelessness to him that you can help but join in or that it’s alright to join in.

Sunghoon

- My expectation of him : I thought he’d be a refined person, with a real likeness to someone with a status of a prince. Regality to a tee. But he’s got such a dorky tender heart. He’s so incredibly handsome. I know this is a really shallow and obvious observation. Anyone with two working eyes can see the boy is incredibly gorgeous. But he just leaves you in awe. He’s arguably the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen. I also love how shy and bashful he can get. 

- The way he cherishes the people around him. I feel from the very first episode, he’s not necessarily a social person, but you can tell he wants to get along with everyone.  He’s so comfortable to be around and you want to try anything in your power to make him smile and laugh and be your friend or whatever. During I-Land, you can see it from the way he talks about his sister and his friendship with Jake and the other I-Landers. 

- He’s a massive dork. Like he doesn’t know how cute he is. And because he’s got that Prince look to him and that title attached to him, when you see him being dorky and screeching you can’t help but like that paradox. I think Episode 10 was his episode and that one VR segment too. Like he’s so funny and just he’s a soft spot for me I think. The ‘Pork Slice’ part I want ingrained into what made my life a life worth living. 

- As a leader, it was so interesting to see him work. He helped K a lot with his leadership when Sunghoon left the team. He takes a couple of steps backwards for other people, and at times it scared me, but it ended up so right for him in the end anyway and I’m thankful. It helped people see what kind of a person he is and I’m glad he had other people looking after him. He also is careful and accepts suggestions and sincerely works with each of them. He makes observations on his own too. 

- This can be interrelated but I think a large massive part of why he’s in Enhypen is how hard he works. He works diligently and wholeheartedly. He’s a quiet powerhouse in that respect. He does his work without the need for attention but solely to improve his skills as a performer and for his future. He doesn’t care if his hands get dirty. As long as one person, even if it’s himself has faith in him, he’ll do it. 

Heeseung 

- My expectation of him : I thought he’d be known as The Ace and hardworking and etc. It wasn’t a wrong assumption but I think we can go into more detail. He’s a really talented person and I mean that with every fibre of my being. From the very first episode, he’s labelled as the ‘Ace’ and it continues throughout the programme so when he does debut, it isn’t too much of a surprise, if at all. 

- Too be honest, I’m not really sure if this counts but I’m going to add it anyway. His relationship with his brother (so hilarious) is such a heartwarming moment. In I-Land he was one of the older ones (I think) and someone with a leadership role and so a lot of people relied on him. But it was great to see he had a good support system who he loves and adores with all his heart. The way his older brother is a source of energy for him really made my heart go into overdrive. So fucking cute. 

- As a leader, I feel a bit like stupid for mentioning it cause it’s so obvious, but he’s got leadership skills. (Duh) But like as a leader, he works on the synergy of the team. He’s patient, stern and is usually almost on the right path. He’s someone very reliable and his objective is clear. He wants to fit the concept as well as he can and makes sure that everyone is on the same page without anyone falling behind. 

- He also has the ability to let loose and have fun. He makes jokes and tries things out because it looks fun. He’s under a shit ton of pressure, especially on I-Land as the ‘Ace’ and I’m grateful he’s able to enjoy his time with the other contestants. He actually plays around quite a bit and his smile is so wide and bright, it’s so nice to see. 

- Even though he’s not the leader in Enhypen now, he has a role of being a caretaker. He helps out when he’s needed (e.g Helped out Taki for the BTS performance) He’s a really thoughtful and understanding person. He’s always the first one to state problems and then come up with solutions. When someone feels bad for getting criticisms, he takes it as his own as well. He doesn’t want to succeed solely. 

Jake

- My expectation of him : No joke it’s just Aussie, at first. He was the first Enhypen member/I-Land contestant who I ever learnt about. I also think he’s a little like Eric from The Boyz. Slightly. Just, not as crazy. Like it’s weird just seeing a not-loud Eric and/or a crazy Jake. Also, he’s really attractive. I don’t know exactly why he’s so attractive but there’s something about him you just can’t describe in words. 

- His debut astounds me the most. Not because I didn’t think he could do it. But because he had such a short training period and even as a trainee he had to exceed hundreds of others (500 others/499 others?) to be let into the company. He’s just got this natural luck to him as well. Imagine that. He’s also quite an adaptable and fast learner. He always seems to improve with every little thing he learns and it always has such an impact. 

- He’s got a charming way of performing. He may not be as rich in skill training as the other contestants or members and often gets criticism for it. But every time he had a performance where you forget about it. He’s got this irresistible charm on stage. You want to learn more about him, watch him more and he plays his role really well. 

- His eyes are so sparkly and they just lure you in. He’s currently one of the only boys I’ll accept lip bites from (I usually find them cringe). But he makes it look natural. He gets so excited with new possibilities - new opportunities of fun, to get to know other people and know the people he knows more. He always engages with every situation with eagerness and acceptance. 

- As I mentioned before, he’s the icon of growth. Yes, everyone knows it. But you don’t look at him and see his inexperience nor the lack of skills in comparison. You want him to debut immediately and grow with him. Out of all of them, I feel like you look at him and apply yourself in his shoes. You want him to succeed and to learn and to grow and you want to hold his hand during the whole process. You want to watch and do the same with yourself. 

Niki

- My expectation of him : I thought he was going to be a mood maker of the team cause I saw a lot of compilations of him being groovy and weird. It’s a weird thing to say but he reminded me of seaweed in the game of Seaweed (I don’t know how to explain this game to anyone, it’s kind of like tag I guess except when you get tagged you have to act like seaweed in the ocean) or like those inflatable balloon people at car autos or something. Weird analogy but- He’s actually quite chic. 

- From the very first episode and all to the very end, he’s a very skillfull dancer. He picks up the dances quickly and he’s such a small person but he has this way of performing large gestures that astound you. He was a really meticulous teacher too. A stickler for details. He’s very satisfying to watch dance. When he’s in the zone of dancing, it’s really beautiful and you just want him to perform more and he could do the same dance again and again and it’d still have the same impact it did the first time. 

- In I-Land, in the earlier episodes he struggled with the team aspect. He was amazing individually and could lead the team well during dancing. But wanted to show the best version of himself and forget about the rest of the team. BUT, if you look at him now, he knows the importance of his teammates and strives for the best. He also allowed himself to open up emotionally and cried more and adored more. (I noticed this moment especially with Hanbin, Sunoo, Taki and those who were eliminated) 

- During the show, it didn’t really show Niki enough being playful. I think we got to see cheery Niki when he received the hanbok from Jungkook. But you can see it better in the behind I-Land videos with the sheep costume that Jungwon wears and during Enhypen’s debut. But my favourite moment is when Jungwon wants to sneeze and he looks at him and he’s like ‘Jungwon hyung ANDWAEEE’ and his voice and everything is going to be stamped into my head. 

- He’s practically made to be an idol. His dancing is one thing but when he takes pictures and has to fit concepts that his hyungs find awkward, he just does it with such a chic way of doing things. He knows where to angle his head and he’s gotten so good at expressions. Off stage, he’s chic yet playful and extremely loving with his hyungs. 

Jay

My expectation of him : First of all, the whole reason I’m into Enhypen is because of him. He’s the reason I watched the show. He’s almost always my avatar on Rhythm Hive. I expected him to be confident and good at everything. He’s also really good looking. Like, the type of guy I’d have a crush on if he lived in my country type of crush. 

- He’s a great speaker. His ability to give feedback and constructive criticism is an amazing feat. He points out problems carefully and constructs a solution. He does so in a way that he creates a feeling of trust and faith. I’m terrible with criticism, like I can accept it but I don’t know how to reply to it. But with Jay, I actually want him to provide feedback. 

- He’s a really intense performer. He’s just constantly burning and his gaze is like a promise. He uses emotion to perform harder and to outdo himself and to prove to others that they’d regret making their decision. He is very emotional and it shows when he performs. A really determined person to do well in everything he does. He’s got this wild and untamed look in his eye but his body is very controlled and confident. It’s seriously a good look on him. It’s really attractive. 

- His leadership qualities are amazing. He knows how to utilise everyone’s talents to make the team standout more. He has an in depth understanding of everyones personalities and talents enough to put them in the right position. (That sounds like a report card). He’s also not as hardheaded as I had expected him to be, he’s flexible and is able to listen to everyones opinions and communicate on an equal level. He helps out without taking complete control over the situation. 

- He’s the moodmaker! Yes, he’s responsible for about 95% of the memes and quotes in I-Land. I don’t think I have to quote them. In saying that he’s pretty much the victim of Enhypen and I-Land pretty much. 

- I think the way he is so emotionally driven is what makes him stand out. He is the epitome of a fiery personality. He’s so unapologetically him and also open about what he’s feeling and what he’s aiming for, which is considerably quite new considering how boys are kind of taught to suppress their emotions. He also doesn’t let his emotions dictate how he treats a person. He treats them fairly, even when he’s disappointed or angry at someone. Watching him succeed and sometimes fail and promise to come back, genuinely felt like he was destined for it and wasn’t waiting for Lady Luck to shine on him. He goes and does shit done himself. He invokes so many emotions and empathies in other people. 

Jungwon 

- My expectation of him : When I was watching KCON:TACT 3 I was really attracted to his voice and they way he talked and danced. Though I didn’t expect to end up biasing him to the point of no return. Never in my life have I loved a boy quite like this. I don’t know it feels different. It felt different with both Haechan, Kyungsoo and Sunwoo but this is all so different this feeling right here. Warning : This is going to be extremely biased. Like no joke. I’m sorry, this boy is just going to have longer lines but I’ll still keep to the same bullet points. 

- He’s so lovely. So so lovely. He has this ability to smile and have fun and tease and make little comments. His eyes are like hypnosis. You’re able to look at him, see the uplifting of his smile and every one of his facial features are uplifted so it makes his expressions brighter, more welcoming and more trusting.  He’s got broad shoulders and like someone you want to cuddle and watch with stars in your eyes. Like that chick is so right, ‘you’re someone I can’t live without now.’ The way he reacts to such comments, bashful smile and the whole hand over his mouth. He’s so pretty. I don’t want him to be sad or whatever. 

- He’s so accepting of other forms of life and doesn’t care for status, wealth, age or whatever. For him, if they’re part of the team, they’re part of the team and he’ll look after them as a team member. He puts his importance on things that actually matter and looks to create an atmosphere where he can be relied on and that others feel comforted. He has fun and talks with others with softness and makes others feel engaged. He’s so fucking attentive. Like he understands other people well and has high observation skills. Like if one is upset, he’ll just quietly go to comfort them and give attention in a soothing matter. He’s also got a soothing voice. I love hearing him talk. 

- The hidden ACE. He made an impact during the competition at significant times. I think the reason why many contestants and him, himself went down the ranks was because they were previously in the higher ranks and were believed to be safe. But as a vocalist, he has such a clear and stable voice. You can recognise his voice immediately, even when I wasn’t a Enhypen stan, I could recognise his voice even without knowing who he was. But as a dancer, he’s so amazing at it. Like, his popping and his ability to do intense choreographies. As a performer he understands nuances, meanings and the concepts of a song and understands his role in the performance. Him getting praises was my favourite thing ever. I think he was a favourite among the producers. Though when he did have stumbles, I was so worried for him. Like no, I refuse. 

- He’s got an optimistic way of thinking, without being overcompensating. Basically when things don’t necessarily go the way it was set out to or when others suggest another way of doing things, he takes his time to think about it and decides. He basically uses it as a tool to grow and adapt in order to produce the best results. Now that I’m thinking about it, rather than being optimistic, I would say he’s an opportunist(?) in a sense. He’ll accept the suggestions and has this greed to live up to and exceed the expectations. This is easily seen when Jungwon isn’t doing too well doing part 5 and ends up swapping with Heeseung. And he also has this greed. It’s a greed I’ve never seen before. The goals are the same but in a way that’s different?; He doesn’t  want his grandmother to be devastated if he is eliminated, he wants to be an artist that does music he loves, ‘it’ll be even more impressive if we can go beyond their expectation’. He uses the current happenings as a way to exceed them and to go beyond capacity. In short he’s a realist without being stuck, he’s an idealist without being too high up in the clouds, he’s optimistic but not unrealistic. It’s inspiring, he’s inspiring. They all are but Jungwon has my heart at the moment. 

[renjunarium]

twitter’s down so now i’m back on tumblr to spread the renjenda (renjun agenda)

[themkwblog]

Pottery

This is a short story I made in my creative writing class last year. It’s very personal to me & I hope you all enjoy it. Let me know what you think of it :^)

Candace

The alarm clock went off. Always too soon for her tired eyes. The sister rolled over and shut it off, groaning. She listened as the sister zombie walked into the bathroom and started to get ready for school. Sometimes if she couldn’t fall asleep she would watch as the sister put on her makeup, precisely covering all the small red bumps on her face so the boy she liked wouldn’t see them. She wondered why her sister spent so much time getting ready for other people. 

One time, when her sister was gone- maybe at a doctors appointment or a volleyball game- she found her sister’s diary and sucked the secrets out of those pages until every handwritten secret was a secret no longer. What is a secret anyways? A secret can only stay a secret for so long. So why do we keep secrets? 

Her sister wrote about boys a lot. This boy and that boy and who she thought was cute as opposed to who she liked. And who she liked was different than whp she like liked. It was all so confusing. But still when her sister went to the doctors or to volleyball, she would open the little journal of secrets and find solace in all the words her sister wouldn’t tell her.

She came to meet many of her sisters boyfriends. There were so many that she couldn’t even keep them all straight in her head. None of them were important enough to stick around for very long anyways. At some point, she just stopped asking their names because she knew as soon as she got it straight there would be two more boys’ names she had to learn. 

Even though she was so much younger than her sister, she could still see all of the flaws that these boys had. While the minor flaws would vary between each one, the major flaw was always the most prominent. They didn’t care. At least they never seemed to care in her eyes. They would interact and he would always say all the right things but she could see it in his eyes. The dullness that was hidden behind the fake interest. They didn’t care. But her sister did. 

Her sister always gave what she could when she could and then would convince herself that she was the reason none of the relationships never worked out. 

“I push them away.” her sister said on the drive home from school. 

She didn’t say anything. She wasn’t old enough yet to understand how to console her sister. So she stayed quiet and looked out the window, wanting to tell her sister that she’s worth more than boys with dull eyes...But her tongue was tied and the conversation had already moved past it and it was just easier to stay silent than to speak her mind and have her sister not listen. 

Maybe if she would have said something, the toxic relationship cycle would have ended. Maybe she wouldn’t have to worry nightly for her sister’s safety. Maybe if she said something her sister wouldn’t have to find her worth in boys who aren’t worthy of the love she gives them. 

Clay Jar

She’s a clay jar

Crafted by the finest potter in town

Placed on a mantel for all to see

Shining in all her brilliance

Glory 

And beauty

All of the boys would come

And stand in awe of her beauty 

But one day

The shelf wiggled 

And wobbled 

And she fell to the ground

And a small piece of her chipped off

The potter ran to her

Analyzed the chip

But smiled

Deciding the jar was still a jar

Beautiful and useful

But when the boys would come

And stand in awe of her

They would see the crack

The chip 

Then move onto the next piece of art

The Disease

Her sister was really sick. She had been for a while. It started slowly, before anyone even noticed something was wrong with her. But the signs were there, we were just too ignorant to notice them. 

Her sister would fill gallons of water and drink them in record time, never ceasing to complain about her thirst that isn’t being satisfied. She would run to the bathroom every few minutes, probably because she was drinking so much water. 

Then her sister started to lose weight. Lots of weight. So much weight that she could see every bone in her sister’s arm. So much weight that she could see her sister’s cheekbones scraping against her delicate skin- her cheeks sunken into her face. Her eyes, the ones that were bright and sparkly, had been replaced with dull, recessed ones. 

She came home from school and saw her sister lying on the couch. Her sister had been there for a few days. But she was starting to get scared, why did her sister look like she was dying? 

That night her brother ran to her parents, noticing that his sister’s lips were turning blue. His sister had stopped breathing. Her sister was rushed to the hospital. The doctor’s weren’t sure that there was enough time, but they would do everything they could. Her mom was paralyzed by fear in the waiting room. Praying to God to save her daughter from the boogie man that was taking over her baby. 

God must have listened because the boogie man let go of her sister, but not before killing a part of her. Her sister woke up and recovered, but she was chipped. 

The chip was very apparent for the next couple of months while her family learned how to move around this part of her body that was deceased. The chip was highly evident at dinner when her sister and her mother would leave to the bathroom together so her mother could help her sister take her medicine. 

The chip was highly evident at night time, when her sister would try and take her medicine herself. Trying to do mental math and figure out how many units she needed for the night. She would hear the clicking of her sisters pen night after night, counting the units with each click, click, click. 

The chip was obvious when her sisters lower abdomen started to turn white from the scar tissue. The doctors always told her sister that she had to move the needle to a different spot, but her sister cried, saying it hurt too bad to be put into a different spot- the scar tissue was comforting. 

The chip was noticeable when she looked in her sister’s diary again, trying to find more secrets. But the secrets she read were not the secrets she wanted to know. She read a story of a jar that was chipped. So chipped that no boys wanted to look at her anymore. So chipped that she thought the potter resented her for sending the boys away. So chipped that the fall to the ground looked softer and softer everyday. So chipped that the jar begged to be sold to the next boy that gave her his time of day. 

Her chips and cracks grew bigger every time she was sold to another man. Her value on a continuous downward slope. But she found comfort in the men- the scar tissue. They told her she was pretty and they put her on a shelf- always with her chip facing the wall. But when they got bored of her they would gamble her away to the next man who decided she was pretty enough to be placed on his shelf. 

She would pretend that her cracks and chips were mended and that she was whole again, but the reality was that she left a small puzzle piece of herself on the shelves of every man that owned her. 

The Revelation

When she entered middle school she realized that everyone around her had the same revelation that her sister did. All the girls started dressing nicer and giggled louder around the boys. She still wondered why girls cared so much about what other people thought. She saw insecure children trying to find their security in other people. 

Everyday someone did something that dramatically affected the relationship of at least six other people. Popularity was the most prized possession that one could obtain, so everyone was fighting to get to the top and gain relevancy. Because of this craving for popularity, kids were downright mean. She would be called so many names by so many people that she lost track of who said what. She pretended that she didn’t care, that the words didn’t affect her but by the end of middle school she was dressing nicer and giggling louder around boys, just so that the kids would stop calling her those mean names. 

The more she dressed nice and giggled, the more boys would pay attention to her. Her cracks were being mended by boys who gave her nice compliments, but like her sister they never stayed long.

She learned how to pretend that her cracks didn’t exist. She would cover them up with a bandaid and convince everyone around her that she was the prettiest jar. By high school more boys started to notice. Older boys. They believed that she was mended and pretended to not see the bandaid, because if she was mended then they could take her home and put her on a shelf. 

But by the time she had reached high school she was bored of being a clay jar. She wanted to be a potter, a creator, an inventor. She wanted her mind to be expanded. No longer did she want simple conversations that she would giggle unenthusiastically at; she wanted to learn. She wanted her mind to grow and absorb new information that she had never been presented with before. 

Unfortunately, all the boys that pretended she was mended just wanted her to be a clay jar. So she was surrounded by uninteresting people who did not care to see her evolve into a creator instead of remaining as a created.

 For a while she thought maybe this was all the world had to offer; small minded people who weren’t socially equipped with the talent to hold a conversation for longer than five minutes. This drained her and made her lose hope. She began to cast her dreams to the wind, deciding they weren’t logical. After all, she was only a jar- how could she ever be a creator? 

But then one day, when she was sitting on the shelf, bored of being admired, a dreamer walked in. He was different than all the other bland men who walked through. He was colorful. He spoke of far away places she’d never heard of and told mesmerizing stories that created stars in her eyes. He came by the store day after day to talk to her. He never asked to take her home, lest he accidentally drop her. They would talk for hours about anything and everything, the real and the figurative. The past and present. The future and their dreams. 

When she told him she wanted to be a potter instead of a jar, he nodded his head and encouraged her. Saying that we dream so we can chase after our goals. 

But she still had her chips, her cracks, and she didn’t want to show them to the dreamer. Because if she did he would see that she was damaged, and he would stop coming to the store. He would stop telling fantastical, magical stories. He would stop encouraging her to become a potter. He would change. He would promise to hold her then drop her as soon as she moved off the shelf. She would fall and he would let her shatter on the ground, leaving her to be cleaned up by someone else- just like her sister. 

She wouldn’t let him do that to her, she had too much pride for that. So she told him to stop coming. She told the dreamer she was bored of his pointless stories. She told him it was illogical for a dreamer and a jar to be friends. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. She said she would rather fall off a shelf than hang out with a dreamer who couldn’t see past his own imagination to the real world. 

She felt the venom in the words. Knowing they would hurt the dreamer. But she had to make it sound real, she had to make him think that she hated him because otherwise he’d stay and end up hurting her. It was inevitable. She would hurt. So she would rather cut the ties on her own terms rather than be blindsided and have someone else cut the ties for her. 

Shape

Sophomore year was bad for her. Bad bad bad. She was so so blue. She was so so shattered. It came slowly out of nowhere, then one day her entire body cracked. All she could feel was blue. Night after night she imploded, creating more spiderwebs on her body. 

She would come home and sleep for hours and hours because it felt better than having to exist. She didn’t want to die, she never wanted to die. She just wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep forever. 

Everyday was just so mindnumbingly similar. It got to the point where she felt like she wasn’t living, she was only existing. There was hardly any meaning in anything that she was doing and she hated that she wasn’t doing anything significant. But to do something significant meant less sleep, more existing. So she did the same thing everyday to try and keep from losing her mind. 

The only thing she changed was she started to dance. She joined a class and learned how to move her body in a way that was not for any significant reason. She learned how to move her body in a way that felt good to her and had meaning to her. She learned how to move her body in a way that created art. Art that portrayed the story that music is telling. 

She loved it. She spent her free time thinking of new ways to move her body and going over her class, reviewing the steps they had learned that week- trying to master them. 

But through the art she finally felt. Like, really felt. Something other than blue. She felt yellow and red and pink and green and purple and orange- for the first time in a long time she was finally feeling again. This is no doubt because of the people in her class. They were those colors she felt. They were completely the colors she was feeling, showing her how to feel again through the emotions they themselves embodied. They were raw and real and everything she didn’t know she needed. 

She looked around and realized she was surrounded by 6 girls who were cracked just as much as she was. They came together at a time when they needed real relationships most. When they were the most vulnerable and raw with their emotions. This was how she slowly began to heal. 

These women impacted her life so powerfully that they lifted her out of the water she was drowning in, and she saved them from the toxins they were choking on. They came together to save each other. But like most things in life, what comes together must fall apart. They tried to stay in touch with one another but the age difference was just too large. But instead of imploding over ended relationships, she learned to thank the people for the impact they had on her and move on with a healthy mindset. Because of these women she learned how to feel again. Yellow. Red. Pink. Green. Purple. Orange. She’ll never forget the beautiful rainbow that seven broken women made. 

Mia

She always had a way with words. She loved the freedom that came with a blank page and a ballpoint pen. She could write about literally anything and nobody could tell her she was wrong because it was her story and she could make anything happen if she wanted. 

But she stopped accepting the meaning behind the words in middle school when the kids would call her ugly names. She couldn’t accept the meaning behind those words. She wouldn’t accept the meaning behind those words. So she stopped accepting the meaning of all words. She trained herself to stop truly accepting compliments that people would give her. She trained herself to believe that she was not worthy of the compliments she received, at least not to the depth that they were intended. 

So when someone said “I love you” it was easy for her to rationalize in her head that they mean it in the same way as “I love the color purple” ; over dramatized and not that deep. So when she would compliment someone she would do it the same way, surface level and stripped of any deep meaning. 

The day she finally started to find value in her words was the day when she began to blossom into the best version of herself. She was mending her cracks on her own, without any help from an outside source. She was learning how to cope with situations and how to stop being so self destructive. 

She learned how to put meaning back into words and how to accept compliments that people were generous enough to give her. She learned how to be happy with herself, and how to accept love and praise when it came to her. This was her biggest achievement. Her greatest feat in life was finding the meaning behind words again. 

She understood now that her cracks didn’t make her ugly, they made her a clay jar. 

Through this understanding she was able to see her cracks as opportunity. Opportunity to grow and become a better person. No longer did she see these cracks as a part of her, she saw them as an opportunity to evolve into the person she wanted to become. 

27

After she found her worth, her value, herself, she went to find the dreamer. She liked how he made her believe in things bigger than herself. She liked how he expanded her mind and encouraged her to follow her dreams and interests. She liked how he let her be independent but inspired her to be vulnerable. 

When she left to find the dreamer, she discovered him sitting on a bench outside the store. He greeted her with a smile, not a frown. He excitedly asked how she’d been since they’d last spoken instead of antagonizing her for leaving him. She explained that she found herself in the time they had been apart and was ready to pursue further adventures with him. Electrified with emotion, he began to speak of the adventures he had dreamed of going on with her. 

She left the store and traveled with him for years, exploring both the existent and nonexistent. They laughed and dreamed their way through life together- it was extraordinary. When she grew homesick, they would return to the store and greet the potter with stories of their latest escapades. 

One time when she came home, her sister was visiting as well. Her sister was so broken that she could hardly even recognize her through the chips. When she asked her sister about the cracks her sister said “What cracks?” 

Her sister had never come to the revelation that she had. Her sister was still being passed around to unworthy men who only saw her as a broken jar and nothing more. She wished her sister would find a dreamer like she had- who saw her as a potter and a jar, a creator and the created.

[asksansweredpdf]

1. What is you middle name? haha

2. How old are you? 20

3. What is your birthday? june 27

4. What is your zodiac sign? libra

5. What is your favorite color? red

6. What’s your lucky number? ....i don’t have one that i know, at least

7. Do you have any pets? i have the best cat in the world who has been yelling at me a lot lately, but is still a good boy

8. Where are you from? australia

9. How tall are you? 5″4′

10. What shoe size are you? 8 UK and like a 36 or something 

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? hmmm. sparkly boots, docs, converse, work shoes, black heels, white sneakers, pink velvet sneakers, that’s all i can remember so about 7?

12. What was your last dream about? omg not last night but the night before, i had a dream that my manager asked me to start work at 5:50 am. but for whatever reason it was at a different location, so my favourite co worker and i met up and i paddled across a lake to be there? and i was really tired.

13. What talents do you have? i write a mean essay and lit review and report and shit. fuckin killed it in uni, i can recognise any song in the first like 0.3 seconds of it being played. i’m good at reading people. and not like in an arrogant way, but idk. intuitively, i know a lot about people. i assumed everyone else did until i started telling people what i felt, and they were like “wtf how did you know that about me?”

14. Are you psychic in any way? yeah i read tarot and oracle cards, and pendulums. like i said before, i tend to intuitively know a lot about people. like can tell when they don’t want to talk, or when they’re mad. even when it’s obvious to me and no one else. my dad can read palms but refuses to teach me how for whatever reason. so that’s next on my list

15. Favorite song? at the moment, either in the lap of the gods revisited (queen), or supersonic rocket ship (the kinks)

16. Favorite movie? at the moment, thor ragnarok, or iron man 3

17. Who would be your ideal partner? someone kind. and someone funny and lighthearted. who can make me laugh. literally, that’s all i value. (i guess the bar is low huh - you’d be surprised that i haven’t found a single person to fit that criteria). if i’m being picky, maybe someone who shares the same interests as me - as in, we like the same movies or music or whatever. that’s not too important but would be nice.

18. Do you want children? nah. i haven’t for 20 years. but if i ever get to a place where i do, i plan on adopting a 10+ year old child. that way, i can reason with them and have someone who i can talk to better. and i can give help to someone who could probably really use it. 

19. Do you want a church wedding? ew god no

20. Are you religious? not at all

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? yeah haha. once for an operation when i was 9 months, and one when i was like 19 for vomiting 

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? i don’t think so

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? nah

24. Baths or showers? showers if i’m not depressed, baths if im anxious

25. What color socks are you wearing? i’m not wearing socks

26. Have you ever been famous? i was like a celebrity at my high school, but no not really. 

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? i would cherish every second of it. it’s al i dream about

28. What type of music do you like? literally anything that’s good

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nope

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? just the one

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my side with my legs tucked in

32. How big is your house? 3 bedroom

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? tea and cookies, paronthe if i’m feeling fancy and have time. eggs on toast if i have work through lunch hours and won’t get a break

34. Have you ever fired a gun? no, but i’ve held one

35. Have you ever tried archery? yeah at a school camp

36. Favorite clean word? idk shenanigans i guess

37. Favorite swear word? fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 24 hours

39. Do you have any scars? yeah, but i’ve answered this before i think

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? i have actually. i think it’s been like only 2 or 3 when i was in school

41. Are you a good liar? exceptionally

42. Are you a good judge of character? i would have said yes, even a year ago. but i definitely am not. or i am and choose to ignore it

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? nope

44. Do you have a strong accent? nah. not even a strong australian accent. unless im at work for some reason

45. What is your favorite accent? australian

46. What is your personality type? intp

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? this $200 corset i bought during venus rx

48. Can you curl your tongue? yep

49. Are you an innie or an outie? innie

50. Left or right handed? righty

51. Are you scared of spiders? absolutely yes

52. Favorite food? chocolate or nandos

53. Favorite foreign food? kadhi

54. Are you a clean or messy person? usually neat, but when my anxiety is bad then i gets messy

55. Most used phrased? “i dont know”

56. Most used word? “yeah”

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? about an hour

58. Do you have much of an ego? i used to think so, but honestly not really

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? suck

60. Do you talk to yourself? all the time

61. Do you sing to yourself? when i’m alone

62. Are you a good singer? not in the slightest

63. Biggest Fear? heights, working thursday nights

64. Are you a gossip? haha yeah

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? pride & prejudice, infinity war. idk what counts as a dramatic movie

66. Do you like long or short hair? short

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? nope

68. Favorite school subject? english, drama, i liked science but had shitty teachers

69. Extrovert or Introvert? introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nah

71. What makes you nervous? well i have anxiety, so like, everything. but specifically, people being angry at/near me, heights. actually, that’s probably it hey.

72. Are you scared of the dark? nah

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? not unless it’s important to do so. i don’t usually give a shit

74. Are you ticklish? very

75. Have you ever started a rumor? ...not that i can remember. but it sounds like something i’d do

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? i think i was a peer support leader in high school?

77. Have you ever drank underage? haha yeah man

78. Have you ever done drugs? sure

79. Who was your first real crush? omg this guy at school called daniel. he was soooo pretty and smart and he was tanned and had the prettiest green eyes. he was nice to me, but always called me the wrong name and ended up dating my friend later on. but i didn’t mind. i enjoyed admiring him before he dated her haha. then i forced myself not to like him

80. How many piercings do you have? 3

81. Can you roll your Rs?“ yep

82. How fast can you type? pretty fast, but not at work when someone’s watching. the pressure makes me fuck up

83. How fast can you run? not very fast

84. What color is your hair? black

85. What color is your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? kiwi fruit (i eat it anyway)

87. Do you keep a journal? no, but i used to. this blog is the most ‘journal’ thing i’ve had in forever

88. What do your parents do? my mum doesn’t work and does cocaine, my dad is a taxi driver

89. Do you like your age? yeah being 20 is cool. certainly better than being younger.

90. What makes you angry? injustice, people not listening to me, especially when i’m right. people assuming things about me, especially when they’re wrong. people being rude for no reason, people dismissing me, being treated poorly

91. Do you like your own name? i dont give much thought to it

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? nah, i don’t plan on having kids

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? i’ve only ever pictured having a daughter, but i dont really care. having a son would be cool. whatever happens you know

94. What are you strengths? i’ve been trying to answer this question like all year. being at work has really made me feel like i don’t have any strengths. i guess i’m a good listener? i know im respectful of others. i can’t even say i’m kind anymore because i’m actively trying not to be as kind as i used to be. i’m polite. i can be funny when i’m comfortable with the person/don’t give a shit about what they think of me. i’m easy-going. i know i can be charming, but it takes a lot of energy so i have to be feeling not-anxious. i’m socially intelligent, and good at making people feel at ease, and diffusing tense situations. i’m brave

95. What are your weaknesses? god. i’m anxious. all the time. i’m not very articulate. i’m not very smart or good at maths or anything. i tend to be awkward, especially when im anxious which is always. i tend to avoid my problems, instead of facing them head-on

96. How did you get your name? my dad’s sister chose it for me. no one really explained it to me, but there’s this hindu belief or tradition or book or something, where you find out what your child’s name should start with (which letter or sound) based on when they’ll be born. i think it ties into astrology somehow, but again, no one is willing to explain it to me. but yeah, based on that my dad’s sister picked a name that starts with r. and my dad picked the spelling

97. Were your ancestors royalty? noooot per se. according to hindu belief, they were demi gods. and my dad’s mother told me we came from royalty, but i have no source for that, so it’s more an empty claim.

98. Do you have any scars?

99. Color of your bedspread? i’m staying in my parents room, which has a white bedspread

100. Color of your room? the whole house is a rental and has blue walls