#pure as the driven snow [damien]

[oswinunknown]

Hey Oswin!! Congrats on 100 followers!!

For the art requests, may I request DAMIEN-era Damien :3c

aaaaa ty static!!!

one damien my beloved coming up!

me: alright ill keep the requests as sketches, no full drawings so i can get them out faster static: do damien! me: my mind tells me no but my heart and hANDS SAY FULL SPEED AHEAD-

pure as the driven snow <3

(and if anyone asks, i actually did use the damien model for refrence so :P, ref pics under the cut)

[liarinlife]

from here [ @blueheartedmayor ]:

Oh, Damien. Forever a prince among men, regardless of the era. Mark falls victim to the responding smile that slips over his face, wry and playfully sheepish, after his callout. He ducks his head with a laugh, raising his hands in surrender. ( Scheming can wait, he supposes, just for a while. )

“ Very well, you caught me, ” he laughs, and flashes the Mayor his easiest smile ( tugging on the puppet strings some more ), promptly stretching with a sigh. “ I’ll admit it has been a while since I took some time just to relax. And besides — I’m killing two birds with one stone if it means you take a break too. ”

Three birds with one stone because he can spend more time with his puppet, four birds because being with Damien is enough for him to pretend the past never really did happen — how many birds could one stone kill before it’s a massacre ?

( One death, two deaths, three, four, five deaths caused by one bullet — how many more deaths until he escapes the past? )

Shrugging on his suit jacket and letting his worries slip from his shoulders like blood, Mark recollects himself, and feigns casual friendliness.

Or maybe it’s not so feigned anymore. Performance and reality blur together so easily nowadays.

“ You always have the best ideas, my friend! Let’s combat our mutual exhaustion with some coffee and a catch up. The chance to think about anything other than work is just what I need, really. ”

[fgfluidity]

alright initial pass at this fic-

————

Ring, ring.

...

Ring, ring.

...

Ring, ring.

Ugh.

You blearily open your eyes to pitch dark, eyelids heavier than sandbags. For a moment, you remain in dreamland, confused as to whatever the hell is making the racket that roused you.

The warm, soft comfort of your bed must pull you back down into the depths of sleep, because your eyes pop open again as the obnoxious ringing starts back up.

Oh. Your telephone. It’s a luxury, an expense, but-

As an attorney, it’s necessary to remain somewhat on-call, just in case. No guarantees for legal help, but if a client is in need...

Well, you always had a soft heart for people in need.

One call might be a wrong number. Two in a short span might be an emergency. Trying not to grumble too much, you reach out to turn on your lamp and shuffle out of bed.

The damn thing continues ringing on your desk in the office, a tall and unassuming candlestick that gleams in the golden light of another lamp.

You don’t have any clients that might be in crisis— at least, that you know of. Which means it could be a coworker. Or a friend.

The idea of a friend needing your attention so badly moves your hand, and you bring the earpiece up to your head. “Hel- hello?”

You’re raspy and slow as all hell, which is far from professional, but you did just wake up. They’ll just have to accept it.

“Oh, finally!”

You blink down at the telephone, as if it could answer your bafflement. You know that voice: golden and rich, carefully crafted to be as smooth and pleasing as possible. You can’t say you’re the best of all friends, but you’ve met often enough and had a lovely enough time to consider him a friend. Sort of.

“Mark?”

“Of course! Who else?”

You squint over at your clock in the dim lamplight. It’s nearly three in the morning. “At this hour? Hard to say. Um...” You scrub at your face with a hand, still half asleep. “How did you get my number, exactly?”

“Damien!”

You take a breath in, promise that you won’t strangle Damien next you see him because you do, in fact, love him, and breathe out.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, then? At three in the morning,” you stress, hoping that the emphasis will clue him in to just how rude this intrusion is.

Hold on, it might still be an emergency, you think.

“Oh, yes, I did have a question for you. It’s been bothering me for some time, and you’re the only one who can help me understand.”

Damn him, it catches your interest. You blink, trying to force the sleep out of your system. “I’ll try my best. What’s troubling you, Mark?”

“Wonderful!” You can hear his grin down the line, and it’s unfortunately a bit contagious. “Now: what, exactly, do you see in Damien?”

The grin vanishes as you splutter. “Ex- excuse me?”

“What do you see in him?” Mark doesn’t sound half as rattled by your reaction as you are by his question. “He’s a friend, sure, but he’s just so... clean. Pure as the driven snow, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, you know the kind. Why him? What has you so enraptured?”

“This is wildly inappropriate!” Of all the insinuations: firstly, of Damien’s character— you know damn well that, of all things Damien is, pure and innocent aren’t a few— and secondly, that you’re enraptured by him. A hint of feelings.

That’s... that’s something you put behind you before law school. It never would have worked, anyway.

[iamliteraltrash1]

Damien... "pure as the driven snow"

[indic0lite]

“Oh come on, Damien, Let it go!”

“Always the righteous crusader! Pure as the driven snow! Acting like you’re the only one without BLOOD on your hands”

[askactormark]

I think he should have a black suit while Damien gets a white suit since Actor has said before that Damien is "pure as the driven snow"

Xeno: Oh yeah, you did say that!

Mark:

THAT WAS SARCASM-

[obsidiancreates]

Yeah, Bim in the Manor is the worst scenario. Bim was probably shocked when he saw photo of the Actor and Damien on the fireplace

Oh, yeah. He’s never really thought about what Dark was like as a human, at all. But he figured Dark was... pretty much the same as he is now.

But the man in the photograph? He’s... completely different. His smile is more genuine and bright than Dark’s has ever been. He’s more relaxed. His eyes are bright and warm, not dark and cold. There’s an entirely different feel to him.

But it’s clearly Dark. Clearly the same face.

Actor comes over. “Ah, that’s me and my friend Damien.”

Damien... that was Dark’s name?

Wait, that meant he changed his name at some point. And for some reason picked the name Dark. What happened to turn him from someone Bim would mock and bully into someone Bim admires so much?

“What was he like?” Bim asks, thinking maybe the photo is some sort farce, another mask like when Dark goes to recruit potential family members.

“He was a fine- no, a great man. I’m sure he still is. I haven’t seen him in years, but that man’s soul was pure as the driven snow. He went out of his way to help people, or to make sure he didn’t hurt them in any way.”

“He cared deeply for others, always helped me and William out of trouble.” Actor laughed. “And we got into quite a bit of that. We often dragged him into it, against his will. He was the most morally upstanding man I’ve ever known.”

Actor’s expression grows sad. “He was... a cherished friend. But after I turned him... he got angry. Left, and hasn’t yet come back.”

“I’m sure he will, someday. He always forgave me in the past, even... when I didn’t necessarily deserve it. We were so close, the three of us. And when I married Celine, I was ecstatic to be able to call him my brother. We’re family, surely he’s not just going to leave me here alone forever.”

Bim’s head spins. Morally upstanding? Pure soul? Never hurt others?

Who the hell was this guy? How did that become Dark?

And...

he looks at Actor, a little in disbelief. This was who turned Dark? This... sad, pathetic vampire who couldn’t even leave his house, who dwelt on the past so much that he let it completely consume him? 

Granted, the manor was an exceptional place. Bim felt stronger every second he spent in there, and not just from the lack of hunger.

But Actor didn’t stay for power, he stayed for... sentimental reasons? So his friends could someday return to him?

Bim feels a little disgusted. Actor is weak, and Damien sounds like he was even weaker.

If Dark has gotten as powerful as he is, as cunning and ruthless as he is, when he started as that...

Bim smiles. 

Who knows how powerful he could get from what he’s starting as?

[antis-eye-chotic]

My thoughts on Damien

(WARNING: THIS IS LONG)

- Is there a metaphor here for why Damien is just constantly cutting down trees? I feel like there is, but maybe it really is just nothing.

- Damien and Celine are siblings! I was really hoping Mark would run with this.

Also, knowing that Celine is older (only by ten minutes, but still... Given the fact that she feels the need to protect Damien, it would seem that those 10 minutes don't mean anything to her. In her mind, she's still the big sister) does explain something to me.

In WKM, just before she goes back into the seance room, Damien says he wants to stay with her, and she tells him "I don't need help...Especially from you!" ... which I thought was strange. But now it makes more sense. As I said previously, in her mind, she's the big sister. She's the one who takes charge of situations, not Damien. She thought that she could handle it, and she didn't need her little brother's help. Also I'm getting the feeling that it was partially "You think I'm gonna put YOU in that sort of danger? Hell no!"

- I love their differing viewpoints on Damien finding the flower.

- The whole "Go back to sleep" thing is making a lot more sense. Dark isn't telling us to go back to sleep. Celine is telling Damien to go back to sleep, trying to keep him in that limbo to protect him.

- I think that @darkstache-iplier is totally right. The pink flower is representative of Wilford. I mean after all, Damien looks at it and goes "Well, you don't die easily, do you?" ... and shit if that ain't Wilford. Not only that, but IMMEDIATELY after he makes that comment, we hear Wil. This also, to me, confirms that Abe is in the same limbo/dimension that Damien is. I would say that Wilford is "there" too, but honestly, I think he can just slip in and out of different plains of existence... at will (badum tss!)

- How many times has Damien replayed that same conversation with Celine?

- So Damien gets firewood and Celine's out hunting all the time. Since they don't need to eat, clearly she's not hunting for food... So what or who is she hunting? Obvious answer seems to be Mark. At least that's why she would bring the gun. But if they keep having that same conversation about the pink flower, I have to wonder if she might be searching for Wil.

- I like the parallels between all the cracked ice and the infamous static-y mirror cracks. It's a cool touch.

- Things are reflected in Damien's eyes a lot. This is meaningful.

- "And okay! I may have made a deal to possibly make sure that a certain lady couldn't go around breaking anyone else's heart ever again..." ...So what I'm getting here is that he made a deal with whatever force is in the house to be able to get back at Celine. What did he have to give in exchange?

- Mark being the bad guy in his own universe is the coolest most interesting and original creative choice I've seen someone make in a while. I LOVE it. Also him making a reference to his "humble upbringing" and "tragic backstory" ... was a little chilling to be honest.

- "Well, you can tell your story all you want to the other prisoners..." ...Hmm? Prisoners?

- "Oh, c'mon, Damien. Let it go. Always the righteous crusader! Pure as the driven snow! Acting like you're the only one without any blood on your hands!" Now what does THAT mean exactly? What has Damien done? It does bring to mind those files from the WKM days where any crimes Damien committed were blacked out...

- Random thought:  I'm a little surprised that Mark and Celine couldn't make it work since they're both pretty similar: super angry and negative...

- Celine tossing the axe at Mark's chest like "bitch shut up" ahahaha

- Damien going on a rant about people not having time to explain things to him cracked me up because that's how I felt too. I'm like SOMEONE BETTER START DOING SOME EXPLAINING.

- "I remember what he did... What we did." ... Wait, what? Someone explain this to me.

- "Some things can't be fixed." Knew this sounded familiar. This was in the 2 a.m teaser video for Damien.

- The sun is out and all of the trees have been cut down now. This is definitely significant. I'm guessing it's tied to the illusion that Celine was creating to protect Damien. The trees are gone, she's no longer protecting him. He was cutting down all the trees, subconsciously trying to break that illusion because he wanted the truth and everyone was keeping him in the dark. ... Only thing I can really think of.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. This was wonderful and I really do hope he does more with the WKM universe, but from where we are in the timeline now and into the future.

[partyonmoon]

A Quick Analysis of a Scene

“Well you can tell that story all you want to the other prisoners.”

“Oh, come on, Damien, let it go! Always the righteous crusader, pure as the driven snow! Acting like you’re the only one without blood on your hands.”

“You stole everything from me.”

“Well you wouldn’t even HAVE anything in the first place if it wasn’t for ME!”

“You took our lives! You betrayed me! You betrayed William! You even betrayed Celine!”

“Well maybe if Celine hadn’t run off then we wouldn’t BE here right now!”

“You were never good enough for Celine!”

“I gave up EVERYTHING for her!”

Alright okay so uh

“ Prisoners.” Who does Damien mean by that? Is he referencing the people in the manor? Who else does Markiplier have trapped in his game?

“Acting like you’re the only one without blood on your hands.” Is Mark saying that Damien does have blood on his hands, or is he implying someone else is another pawn in this?

“You wouldn’t even HAVE anything in the first place if it wasn’t for ME!” ...Excuse me? Mark seems to be saying that he helped Damien in the past. Did someone allude to that in WKM? We know that the three boys (Mark, Damien, William) were close friends. How did they meet? What was their childhood like? What happened that we don’t know about?

“I gave up EVERYTHING for her!” Yeah, love this line too. What did Mark give up? What was Celine wrapped up in? Also, just because your wife cheats on you doesn’t give you the excuse to kill everyone and make deals with Satan, Mark, find a better answer.

All in all I am SO curious to see where this goes next. A huge congrats to everyone involved, your hard work is clear to see!!

[vague-idea]

This is purely fueled by petty rage and caffeine so buckle the fuckle up.

There has been a lot of talk lately about if Celine was a good person, how bad Actor Mark was, blah blah blah. This is been a topic from pretty much day one of WKM but recently it’s popped up in relevancy. I’ve never really vocalized my thoughts on the matter, despite having many. I’m the kind of person who tears stories apart for fun, so I know a bit what I’m talking about. Get ready for these spicy hot takes, cause guess what: 

They’re all bad. All of them. Including everyone's favorite boy. That’s right, the uwu-too-pure-for-this-world-boy, Damien.  

Now put down your pitchforks for a second and hear me out. You can send me hate later. What I’m here to do is take a look at Mark’s characters, look at their actions (both implied and shown), and then show that none of them are innocent. If this is a mess, uhhh sucks to suck I guess. (the person sucking is me. hah gottem)

First, before I get into the characters however, we need to discuss Mark’s storytelling. Personally I like it quite a bit. It’s interesting and it’s engaging, but it does have its quirks and flaws. You can see the improvement, but it does effect how his characters have come across. Mark himself has admitted to writing Celine poorly in WKM, and I would tend to say that much of WKM should have been adjusted. It’s not “Who Killed Markiplier” but “Why Killed Markiplier” as Mark has said, and the why was never really shown in the series. It’s explained in a live-stream, and if you can’t get your intentions across in the series then something in the script is wrong. Having said that, Mark has improved his writing immensely and I applaud him for that. 

Mark prefers to tell a singular story, leaving much of what he intends up to speculation. He doesn’t tell you the story of how Wilford became the insane goofy murderer he is today; he shows you a moment of weakness and connection between Abe and Wilford. He doesn’t show you how Damien and Celine became Dark, he tells you the story of two siblings protecting each other and being backed into a corner in which playing the part of a villain is their only escape. The intention is plainly there, but you have to understand the characters to truly get the story. “You’re too focused on the minutia” is true. The fans pay too much attention to the details of the story. You have to focus on the characters and their motivations to understand the tale Mark is weaving. Don’t focus on Wilford being in two places at once, or Damien’s hand turning gray in one shot. Focus on the characters and who they are because in the end that’s what they are: characters. With the release of DAMIEN, Mark has made it clear that the characters are the important things, made to be placed into whatever story he pleases. (uh Mark if you’re reading this that is a dope idea and holy fuck im hype)

Now to actually talk about the characters. 

Let’s start with Celine, since she is the main focus of this debate. First and foremost, Celine is manipulative. She knows what she wants, and she will get it at any cost. This is shown from the moment she steps into the manor. She turns everyone against the DA. Isolating us, and making us feel vulnerable. Then, with a gracious olive branch, she let’s us help. We are now special, but we can only trust Celine. An interesting parallel to “Don’t Trust the Seer.” After the DA has the fall, Celine is there yet again. Forcing Damien asleep, she uses us to gain a body, and then kicks the DA out into the mirror, making us now a viewer of this world. In DAMIEN, she manipulates Damien into sleeping. Keeping him tucked away and safe. Celine’s primary characteristic is manipulation. Getting what she wants, no matter the cost. She is protective, she is abrasive, she is determined, and she is cold. 

Now let’s look at Mark. His personality isn’t so plainly laid out as the others (seeing as he fuckinn dies in the first five minutes), so we’re going to have to rely on what the others have said about him to get the picture. The first thing we hear about Mark is from the Colonel. Obviously, a man with prejudice, but still has an insightful look into who Mark is. “My name is Markiplier now! Forget that my friends are the ones who helped me along the way. Just look at me and my money. I need to pay people to be my friends. Ahaha. Oh you like me, too bad.” Then, even Mark himself has said: “I used to be somebody. Maybe not somebody good, but I was somebody.” (Granted this is from the meta ending, but I’m still going to use it because ADWM still applies and I’m an asshole and you can’t stop me) Both these sentences are inferring to a man who was changed by fame and fortune. This infers to a man who took and took, so up his own ass that he started ignoring his friends in favor of becoming richer and increasingly powerful. I think that is that crux of Mark’s character: power and control. 

In DAMIEN, Mark has some insightful comments that back this up. “You stole everything from me.” ... “Well you wouldn’t even have anything in the first place if it wasn’t for me.” ... “You were never good enough for Celine.” ... “I gave up everything for her!” This exchange back and forth between Damien and Mark leads me to believe that Mark, through his power and fame, gave the twins everything they had. He gave Damien his mayor position. He gave Celine money, influence, power, and his love. Mark might have thought he was doing these things for them, but if you look at who Mark is, he was doing these gracious actions to have control over the twins. Damien now owes Mark for giving him his job and his power. Celine owes Mark for her comfortable home and a loving husband. This is further proved by Mark’s interaction with the Colonel. Using the money that William owes to Mark, the guilt of cheating with his wife, Mark controls the Colonel and makes him work for him. Controls him, up til the moment that William looses his mind. Mark values control, and he values power. 

I don’t think I need to explain how Wilford is a bad person, but ya know let’s just say it: cheater and murderer. His character is insanely fun, and I love the depth and nuances to it, but he’s not the one we’re focusing on today. Here’s just here for me to say that I love him, and he was just a pawn in the backstory of WKM. 

Now, for the controversial opinion. Damien. Everyone’s sweet, innocent, could never hurt a fly, mayor. Well, sorry my guys but that is just not correct. Damien’s role in this story is integral, and let me say the misjudgment of his character annoys me a lot but that’s just cause I’m salty all the time so let’s just jump into it. Damien is not innocent. As Mark says, “Always the righteous crusader. Pure as the driven snow. Acting like you’re the only one without blood on your hands.” There is blood on his hands. Good intentions aside, Damien has a fatal flaw and that is that he is a coward. He may want what is best for everyone, but he cannot find his own spine. Throughout WKM, despite being the mayor - a fuckinn leadership position - he takes a backseat of running after the Colonel, running after the DA, and running after Celine. He is easily used, and easily discarded. He lets others walk over him, and in doing so lets everything around him fall apart. It isn’t until DAMIEN when he has lost literally everything that he finally sheds the title of pawn and becomes a player. Damien isn’t pure. He is soaked with the blood of every dead body he could not lead and he could not protect because he was too much of a coward to do what was right. 

Looking at all of these characters, I hesitate to label them as bad or good. I know I just said that they’re all bad, but welcome to clickbait. Celine is manipulative, but she cares about her brother and she fights for herself. Mark is power hungry, yet he loved and he lost. Damien is a coward, yet he cares for others. Looking at them as they are, I cannot say that they fit perfectly into role of villain or hero. This story isn’t that simple. It’s created to flip the script. 

But, everyone is arguing about Celine and Mark’s past so let’s jump into that mess of a conversation. 

Celine is a manipulator. Mark wants control and power. Damien wants everyone to be happy. William/Colonel has a one track mind and currently it’s set on fuck. This is who they are, and from this we can try and determine their backstory. Granted, this is my view and my speculation but I think I’m pretty on track. I can honestly say that at one point, Celine and Mark loved each other. They are both too obsessed with having what they want to settle for marrying someone they hate, or even marrying someone they were indifferent too. They loved each other, and they had to have each other. Things can change, however. What started as something fueled by love can turn into something fueled by vengeance. 

Mark is obsessed with control, and so he tried to keep a tight hold on what he loved. Celine detests being the pawn when she is the player, and so when she wanted William, she had to have him. Throughout the series it is shown that Mark viewed Celine as his. William/Colonel stole her from him. She was his, and she was taken. On the opposing side, Celine is no prize to be kept. Her love shifts from Mark to William/Colonel and she takes what she wants. At the end of the day, she would carve their hearts out for attempting to keep her in a cage as their pretty songbird. Also, I believe that Damien knew that Celine was cheating, but he couldn’t bare being the one to break apart his childhood friends, so he said nothing. He let his cowardice destroy what he only wanted to preserve. 

Celine and Mark could have never worked together, because they both want to control and they couldn’t control each other. Damien could not lead, and was used and walked over until he and those he loved were dead. William/Colonel barely had a say; each step he took was a line in Celine and Mark’s strategy. It wasn’t until he broke that he was able to break the script. 

So what does this mean, Eli? Who is the good guy and who is the bad guy? Why doesn’t this story play into exactly what I want? Why don’t these characters fit these little tropes I want to place upon them? 

It means none of that, reader. You can call them bad, and you can call them good. You can make Damien into a hero, and you can make Celine into an abuser. You can say Mark was taken advantage of, you can blame the manor, or you can call him evil. You can do whatever you want with them, but that is only possible by ignoring that they are so much more than that. This story is not meant to fit into a square. This story at its basis is to show that these are stereotypical characters, meant to play a role, who have broken it. 

[splitsuit-moved]

Examine + Damien.

Examine This! (accepting)  @mcrkfischbach

                                                                   Oh Damien !

                                                         Our sweet, precious Damien ! 

                                    Pure as the driven snow; the only one without blood on his hands. 

                                               What a cruel fate he was swallowed up by. 

                          Betting his life on innocent people that turned out to be not so innocent.                                     There was nothing to be done, no choice and no thought. 

                                      ❝When will you learn, there are no choices in this life.❞

[liarinlife]

"Mark?" Ah, there's the darling mayor of the city. A smile is on Damien's face, though it is twinged with worry. "I know you've been rather busy with your various projects... But have you made sure to take time for yourself? I can't imagine being in front of the screen all the time is good for your health." (blueheartedmayor. Okay consider. My default for Damien is modern day, sooo what if he's a pawn in the modern day, completely unaware of Mark's true identity and crimes?)

[ @blueheartedmayor ]

Enter his dear Mayor stage right! Despite his irritation at being interrupted in the middle of scheming ( anger is such a familiar companion in his story! ), Mark has only smiles for his companion. Ever the loyal friend ( pure as the driven snow, in another life ), it isn’t a surprise to hear Damien querying after his health. He’s always been the best of men, and best of puppets.

It’s almost painful to admit that in the end, Damien is nothing more than a diversion. After all, surely even Dark would hesitate in destroying an eerily similar carbon copy of someone he might have once been. Mark would.

But that doesn’t mean he can’t befriend and charm Damien for now ! Life is for the living, and Mark has worked incredibly hard to ensure such a phrase still applies to him. He’s going to make the most of an unfamiliar familiar friendship while the offer is there.

“Ah, Damien ! Truly, you worry far too much. I’m taking as much time for myself as I can to be the epitome of good health — though I think mayhaps you’re a tad hypocritical, my friend. When was the last time you took some time to relax, hmm ?”

Damien has always been hardworking ( being Mayor doesn’t come easy ) and Mark is very much aware of this. Perhaps that’s why he’s so drawn to the man; his dedication, his ambition, his drive. Two sides of the same coin. Fixing Damien with a playfully stern look, Mark ignores his own blatant lies: between running and creating and planning and hiding, there was no time for relaxation.

Maybe when he’d ripped the heart from his villain and settled down to play with his puppets for good, he could afford to do so. Not that he could exactly tell Damien that.

[placetobenation]

Join me, Stace your resident Divas nut, as I make cases for the female Greatest Wrestler Ever candidates. I’ll be going into the reasons why I love them and will probably vote for them, and recommending some matches to explore for yourself. Hashtag Give Divas a Chance!

I know, Michelle McCool is a bit of a hard sell. She was one of those wrestlers who had that uncanny ability to raise the ire of the average internet wrestling fan, for any number of reasons: tick all that apply. Was it because she was overpushed? Because she married Undertaker? Because she had negative charisma? Because she stole the Styles Clash? Who knows. Frankly I think you’re all crazy, but then I suppose, being that I am the one big Michelle McCool fan that probably makes me the crazy one.

I absolutely do believe that she gets a bad rap and that she deserves real consideration, especially from people who profess to enjoying good wrestling and the workrate-y side of life more than promos or characters or whatever else. Michelle is, essentially, a workrate candidate, maybe the most unlikely workrate candidate on the list, but there you go.

Let me tell you about the work. In the first place, she was stiff as hell. At her best one of the most hard hitting female wrestlers to ever grace WWE. She would absolutely NAIL folk with her offense, like the knee drops, a tight belly-to-belly, a stiff Big Boot or that brutal running knee. That thing in particular was sick, especially when she hit it against the table or the barricade on the floor. Her flimsy one-legged dropkick was the one glaringly weak piece of offense she had, used mainly when she was a face, and sadly that’s often one that people remember. But honestly Michelle was solid as hell in the ring; as a babyface she was pretty damn athletic, and as a heel she added layers of nastiness and violence on top of that.

Not only was she snug with her signature offense, but also when she was working over a body part. Michelle went for limbwork more often then the average woman of the day, especially on PPV or Superstars where she’d get a bit more time than usual. And if she was working the leg, she would WORK the damn leg; not just sit in holds but absolutely grind them, not just throw stomps but absolutely pulverise opponents with kicks and knees, all working towards her heel hook finisher. She was relentless on top and made babyfaces earn everything they got off her.

The other thing about Michelle’s offense is that she was willing and eager to try things. Take for instance her and Melina going out at Night of Champions and deciding to try to steal the show with a balls-out spotfest that included a DDT on the barricade. Or that she was clearly watching TNA and took AJ’s Styles Clash and Daniels’ Angels Wings as big moves (she also used Bryan’s indy “I’ve got ’til five!” heel bit a lot – she was basically one of us!). Or her attempt to get an extremely non-flashy, MMA-heavy move like the heel hook over as a credible finish in WWE. She’s someone who looked outside the company, and outside the box for unique elements to bring to her matches.

The Laycool team with Layla was a definite highlight of her run. I think they made a great heel team, able to dominate as a unit and then beg and stooge in turn, as well as being completely annoying and unlikeable in every way. Michelle sort of worked as the heavy of the duo, doing more of the wrestling and dishing out most of the beatings, while Layla carried the character work and was more of a comedic stooge of a heel. They had a bunch of good matches and carried the women’s division for a solid 18 months.

Michelle’s biggest problem was her disquieting lack of real charisma. No matter her character she always came off pretty wooden, with her unfortunate promo voice and that weird negative charisma some people suffer from, that rendered her hard to connect with even when she was doing what was “objectively” (urgh) good work. She was like a blonde, leggy robot, at times. But she was MY robot! I latched onto her as far back as the Diva Search for whatever reason, so I was always paying extra close attention to her as one of my people, but I get that if you’re not me, Michelle can be a little hard to love.

Character-wise, as I say she was a perfectly fine but uninteresting babyface, so her best stuff is as a heel, particularly the Laycool run. Your mileage may vary on that stuff but they went all in on it (skits, in-ring promos, having t-shirts made to mock the faces, the works) and did succeed in coming off as completely irritating shitheads. No cool heel nWo shit going on there. As a highlight, there was that one big promo segment on Smackdown with them, Maria and Mickie at the height of the Piggie James angle that got over huge and had Michael Hayes telling them in the back that they stole the show.

Really their biggest flaw (sorry) was that babyfaces never seemed to get enough back on them in the end after all the teasing, but that’s more a booking problem than a performance one. There were sporadic moments of comeuppance, like Mickie finally squashing them at the Rumble, or Beth and Nattie putting them through tables at TLC, and at those times Laycool did bump and beg and stooge like gangbusters to sell it. Michelle had a great “Oh no…” look of fear whenever she was about to get got.

I’ve been talking a lot about the last few years of her career but Michelle had a deceptively long run. She started appearing in segments on Smackdown as soon as the Diva Search ended in 2004, and began wrestling the year after. When I went through 2005 recently I was already noting how competent she looked by her second televised match. “Amazing how un-bad this was,” is a direct quote. She was tall and athletic and picked up bumping and moving around the ring really quickly, and by the time her megapush began in 2008 with the advent of the Divas Title she was certainly backing it up in the ring, if nothing else. I mean, the kind of chain wrestling she was putting together with, like, Maryse you would not believe. Wrestling itself always came naturally to Michelle – it was the out of the ring stuff that she took longer to nail down.

Nor did she have a lot of opportunity to nail it down either, since she did little apart from the odd bikini contest or match for the first few years. The love triangle with Jamie Noble and Chuck Palumbo was the one and only significant storyline she had in those days. She did have a cup of coffee as a heel in 2006 as the schoolteacher manager of Idol Stevens and K.C. James, the former being the future Damien Sandow and the latter being the future Who The Hell Is K.C. James. But apart from that she was always a babyface, pure as the driven snow until her heel turn in late 2008.

That heel turn, by the way, is below (starting at 7:30) and the way she beats Maria down for like a thousand years is veritably Hunteresqe. You know, now that I think about it, the comparisons to Triple H abound: dominant heel champ, pushed way beyond her overness level, hated on the internet, married into the biz, luxurious facial hair…it’s uncanny. OK, now I admit, I’m being ridiculous and in no way am I actually equating Michelle McCool with Triple H.

Obviously she’s miles better.

Really my main point is that I think there’s a two year period, roughly from the start of 2009 to her retirement at Extreme Rules 2011 where Michelle was the best female match worker in the company. You may think of that period as a nadir for women in WWE but I think there were definitely worse times for the division, and more to the point, whenever good work was being done Michelle was usually involved. Laycool had a bunch of fun little matches (Time! Alas, always the problem of time!) and whenever she got any length of time – on C shows or for PPV matches with Melina, Beth, Nattie, Layla, Maryse, etc. – she generally delivered and had the best matches of the period.

In the wake of Trish being Trish WWE brought a lot of women in and trained them on the fly just like her. Of all the other women who we saw learn to wrestle on television, I think Michelle McCool improved the most and came the closest to emulating the achievement of Trish in going from 0 to 60mph as a wrestler in 90 second matches. And really, calling someone a poor man’s Trish, what higher form of praise could I possibly give?

Quick Facts:

WWE Tenure: 2004 Diva Search to May 2011 (7 years, or 4/5 on the Women’s Longevity Scale)

Two-time Women’s Champion and two-time Divas Champion (including being the first ever Divas Champion)

#1 on the PWI Female 50 in 2010 (equivalent to the PWI 500)

Match Recommendations:

If you only watch one match, make it… Michelle McCool vs Melina – Women’s Title (Night of Champions 2009)

Laycool doing heel things… Laycool vs Kelly & Tiffany (Superstars 8th July 2010)

Laycool gettin’ what’s comin’… Laycool vs Beth & Natalya – Tables Match (TLC 2010)

A dominant offensive blitz… Melina vs Michelle McCool – Women’s Title (The Bash 2009)

A really good babyface performance… Michelle McCool vs Beth Phoenix – Lumberjack Match (SD 30th September 2008)

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