#quarantinebreakup

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

One Year

Lavender whisps lined the sky.  These sunsets were her favorite; the burning orange slowly disappearing into the trees as its soft glow illuminated the outline of the summer evening clouds. They looked lavender.  Her favorite color.  The contrast was sharp, but gorgeous- powerful somehow.  Seeing this just made the whole world feel beautiful- even if only for a moment.

 Bright yellow broke through into her peripheral vision, but not from the sunset.  She didn’t avert her gaze from the vibrant sky, not even to acknowledge the sunflowers begging for her attention.  Mere hours ago, they were one of her most beautiful memories.  Now, those memories were tainted with confusion and pain.  Pain she’d known before, but more intense now.  Pain that makes it difficult to breathe and weighs down one’s entire existence.

 She was sitting- barely upright.  The reclining lawn chair beneath her was the only thing separating her from the ground. She couldn’t stand, not right now, not on her own.  Her body wasn’t hers to control; in that moment, and probably many more to follow, her entirety belonged to her grief and she was at its mercy.

 Loss wasn’t something unfamiliar to her- and one might argue that she’d suffered the same type of loss mere months ago.  But this felt different.  That loss was empty and almost just a matter of going through the motions for the sake of it.  Now it felt real and her entire world was beginning to crumble around her as she sat there, still unable to comprehend the reality of the situation.  This time she lost a piece of herself and the uncertainty surrounding whether she’d ever be able to regain that part of her existence was growing with each passing moment.

 Every time she blinked, she risked reopening her eyes to find only a blur of purple and gold emerging from the fuzzy silhouette of the enormous sweetgum tree towering over her yard. The tears came on their own now, without warning.  Sometimes she didn’t even notice when they’d stop, because they’d surely return soon enough. And there was no correlation between the dryness of her eyes and how devastated she felt.  Whether she was actively crying or staring blankly into space, her insides were on fire, her soul torn in two, and her ability to feel anything but misery was diminished.

 How could one’s heart ache so much for someone it had only known a matter of months?  Her heart clearly couldn’t judge time and felt as though this was so much bigger than five months.  It felt the pain of the months they were supposed to spend getting to know each other better than either of them had known any of their other partners.  It felt the distress of the years they’d spend together growing and building a life they’d both love because they just got each other- right from the beginning.  Her heart and her soul were processing a lifetime of loss because that’s precisely what had been taken from her- a life- a happy life, a life that she had allowed herself to hope for and dream about, knowing that this time, it could actually come to fruition.

 He stole that from her and he did it without a second thought.  He just took it and disappeared without an explanation.  They had plans in a couple days.  They had other plans in a couple weeks.  How did this happen?  She tried to find reason in it.  That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?  If everything happens for a reason, then it has to be okay.  She attempted to discover any silver lining, but every effort she made was futile and only left her more hopeless.

 Time was what she needed- at least according to her loved ones and every piece of literature she could find on the topic.  She scoured dozens of write ups- hoping that she’d find one gem hidden amongst them- just one to indicate what it was that she needed to do to be okay.  Surely others had endured similar loss and could offer up a quick fix that she simply hadn’t thought of on her own.  It would be something simple, easy, fast.  It would take away all of this pain in an instant- and she’d bounce back as if the last five months never happened.

 She would be happy to go back to focusing on her previous loss- the loss that didn’t feel like it even mattered anymore.  The loss that felt like more of a gain, especially recently.  It had been the removal of a negative force in her life.  She had just been so afraid of change that even a positive one seemed terrifying to her.  And it was for a while.  But now she could understand that what happened back then really needed to happen, even if it was meant that she would be a bit broken for a while.

 But isn’t that the beauty of being broken?  You get to put your pieces back together- whether on your own, or with help- and in the end, the mosaic you create is almost always something stronger, more resilient, and more beautiful than before.

 She used to believe this. She had even written this before- but after she painstakingly struggled to gather up most of the jagged pieces of herself that had been left in the rubble of the last life shattering event- the man who aided in reassembling them had turned out to be the biggest threat to the stability of it all.  He was the one who mended her- if her soul could be represented visually, it would manifest as a patchwork quilt with some pieces uneven and not quite stitched together all the way.  Some ends frayed and still actively unraveling- but at a slower pace than they had been.  It would be noticeably worn and delicate but could be okay if taken care of and treated with love. He had woven her back together and she allowed herself to trust him to protect her and to make sure that she’d have a chance- a real chance- at becoming fully healed.

 She never for a moment considered that since he was the architect behind patching her quilt into some semblance of a whole, he was the one who’d know just which thread to tug in order to completely unravel her.

 She hadn’t the chance to heal enough to discover her new self- she was still in the process of doing that-with his help.  He was the key to most of the progress she had made.  Now she was ashamed and embarrassed that she’d so naively handed all of herself over to him, almost immediately tearing down the walls- the safeguards she'd put in place to protect herself.  Her quilt had fallen into a pile of mismatched, frayed pieces- she couldn’t make sense of where any of it as supposed to go or how to even begin putting it back together.

 What type of mosaic could be made from shattered pieces being almost immediately rebroken?  Only this time, shattered smaller- obliterated into what could only be described as dust, with just enough shards scattered throughout that you’d still cut yourself if you attempted to sort through them- forcing her to choose one of two options:  attempt to fix herself on her own and inevitably suffer, or sit there in the pain and allow it to consume her until it had nothing left to torture her.

 Both options were miserable, but sitting in these feelings, in this broken state, involved far less effort than the alternative- which didn’t even offer the promise of any positive outcome, so why bother?

 She didn’t know it then, but in one year’s time, she’d be on her own and happy again- arguably happier than she had been for the last decade.  This was a different type of happiness- one she hadn’t experienced in longer than she could remember.  A happiness where her contentment and joy were derived from within herself and the life she had built with the people who meant the most to her.  There were no external antagonists disguising themselves as the heroes to infiltrate her heart and shatter it, no, she didn’t need those.  She never really needed “another half” to complete herself as some say, but somehow, she had convinced herself that she did.  Her focus on finding purpose and happiness through another being had been her downfall too many times in the past.  There was the silver lining she had been looking for- it was in the lessons she’d learned and the growth she’d made and the strength she found.  It was in all of those things, but it was mostly in the love for herself- the discovery of it, the encouragement, and the vigilant care she took to ensure that she never diminished its true value.

 And now, the heart breaking, soul twisting agony that she went through for so long- all of that was a distant memory that she could barely even comprehend anymore.

[christineelise]

Another relationship, destroyed by the pressures of quarantine. He called an Uber. Bye, Felicia! #byefelicia #chucky #quarantine #quarantinebreakup #childsplay #childsplay2 #cultofchucky #jointhecult #dontfuckwiththechuck — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/3b3Kk8l

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 365:  One Year Single

I’ve officially been single for one year and I am still genuinely happy.  Every time I think about dating again, I wonder if it’s worth it-- will I come across more horrible, ignorant, racist, hateful people like J?  I’m not willing to invest my time in men like him who are, well, trash.

So one year later, I’m in a job that I’ve enjoyed so far and I have the most incredible work family; I’ve made such amazing new friends!  I just turned in my notice because I was offered a new job at another higher education institution in the field that I love and that position comes with more money- and the commute is virtually nothing!  I’m spending a week at home with my dogs and my brother’s dog- having a relaxing “me” week and I have a WDW trip planned in less than a month!

Things are going well-- much better than they ever were with J constantly tearing me down and neglecting me... and better than they were with R and his inability to commit.

Hard to believe what a bad place I was in one year ago and how much things have turned around since then.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 291:  I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit

I genuinely, for the first time in years, can say that I am actually perfectly content being single.  My first long term boyfriend (J) did little more than tear me down and try to make me feel like I was worthless... and it took me years to realize that.  My second (R) is probably going to end up being the one that got away, but there were too many communication barriers (all on his end) and that would never have ended well for me either.  J has moved on and has a new girlfriend and kid (at least he did a year ago, or whenever we officially cut all ties) and I know that he’ll never be happy with that situation, so I’m not jealous or upset or feeling any type of way about being single while my ex isn’t.  It’s taken me a long time to work through all of the abuse and damage they caused, but I’m finally in a good place, a solid place, and the years I invested in J have been a huge life lesson that I’ve learned a tremendous amount from.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 8:  Things I’ve done (or am going to do) in an effort to heal and move forward

I’m not good at dropping people and moving along as if they never mattered to me.  It appears that R is the type of person who can.  And that’s alright- I’d much rather be a person who can have healthy, and intimate, and truly meaningful connections with the people I’m involved with.  If I was able to end things on Wednesday by blocking R and then not thinking twice about it... I’d be genuinely concerned about the type of person I had become and my lack of empathy or mental stability.

1.  Get out of the house.  I went to breakfast with a friend on Sunday and then we went to Target.  It helped a tiny bit and then was okay until it really wasn’t.  I started to have a minor panic attack in Target and just wanted to leave right away and get home.  Thanks to masks still being required, my face was covered and nobody could really tell anything was going on, but internally, I was going nuts.

2.  Getting some fresh air.  I spent lots of time outside.   I love summer weather and even though some of my time outside probably made my fever worse, it’s better than having stayed inside nonstop for a week.

3.  I read lots of articles on breakups and processing them, as well on some about ghosting and being ghosted.  My mom sent me a couple to read as well.

4.  I have been journaling daily and blogging, because writing has helped me get through similar life events before.

5.  I talked this through with multiple people.  My parents, my brothers, my best friend, a couple other friends, Instagram friends, and Facebook friends.  I don’t usually bring these things up on social media, but I couldn’t pretend to be okay and I needed as many outlets as possible.

6.  I’m going to start DisneyBounding again.  I’ve always loved Disney and expressing my sense of style through Disney fashion- but I haven’t done any of that since the end of March, after I met R.  Not that he stopped me, I just didn’t really do it anymore.  Apparently it’s helpful to get back into hobbies and activities that are important to you that you may have let go of during your relationship.

7.  Crafting.  I was doing some of this toward the end, because during the last month I was starting to feel unwanted and like things weren’t right and crafting has always helped to make me feel better.  I’m going to try to continue with that and maybe take part in a craft fair to see if I can make some sales in October!

8.  Snuggling with my dogs- because that never hurts, no matter the situation.

9.  Once I get to a point where I don’t feel like interacting with other people will potentially put me into a panic or give me extreme anxiety- I’m going to hit the job hunt hard.  But I need to be able to interview without totally losing it.

10.  I watched Legally Blonde.  An article I saw said that it was a good breakup movie.  I haven’t felt like watching much lately- especially my comfort or favorite movies because I don’t want them tainted by this memory or this feeling.  I don’t want to remember how this felt.  I want this to be a vague memory, like my breakup with J.

11.  I’m going to get out of town and change the scenery. This weekend, my brother and I are going to visit our brother in Virginia.  I think it’ll really help to take a short trip and do something new.

12.  I’m going to to go the movies since I enjoy going to the movies.  That was apparently a huge deal breaker with R.  I just wonder why he was so adamant against going to movies... I wonder if there was some kind of stress or fear associated with the movie theatre for him?

13.  I’m going to give myself a few months before I talk to someone new- seriously, anyway.  I will not get involved with anyone else in a serious capacity until I’ve moved on from this completely.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 99:  I’m Sad

I'm sad. I don't even know if this is about R anymore... Or of all of that heartbreak flipped a switch in me that I've been unable to flip back. I just feel hopeless and unhappy and dejected. It's a constant feeling, eating away at me slowly every day. Most days I'm able to fool myself, and for brief, or sometimes not so brief, moments I feel like things might be okay... Like I might be okay. But at the end of the day and in those tiny or large moments of silence and reflection throughout the day, I can't trick myself any longer and I end up wallowing in my reality. My current escape has been Red, Taylor's Version. The music speaks to my heart and has offered a bit of an escape at times, but the lyrics cut me like a knife because so many speak truth of the situations I've been in one the last few years. This is so hard to move past... What do I do?

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 4: All that I want is to see R again... To talk to him...

I woke up several times last night, just couldn't sleep through the night. Each time, once the grogginess wore off, I'd cry myself back to sleep. I feel worse with each progressing day. Right now I just miss him and I want to see him and talk to him. I don't even care that he was an ass and broke things off through text. I just want to unblock him and tell him we need to talk and find out what went wrong in his eyes and see if they're things that are reasonable enough fixes that we could work on. I can't explain how hurt and betrayed and absolutely decimated I feel right now. I don't want to eat. I don't want to hear music. I don't want to watch TV or movies. I haven't been able to bring myself to leave the house since it happened. I'm crushed beyond measure and R probably doesn't even care. How can he just end 5 months with one statement and not even look back once? I want to fight for him even if he won't fight for me, and the hardest part is resisting the urge to do that. What I wouldn't give to unblock his number and tell him we need to meet to talk about this because we can't leave it this way.

But it is going to be left this way. And I have no control over it and I feel like my whole life has just come crashing down.

I thought he cared about me the way I cared about him. I wish he cared about me the way I cared about him. I wish he loved me.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 58:  Disney has fixed me.

Sort of.  Long story short, my time in Disney did for me exactly what I needed it to.  I feel whole again.  I feel like I’m me again.  I feel like my mood isn’t controlled by immature boys (at least for right now.)  And I feel a sense of hope for the future.

I did have a moment yesterday that caught me off guard; I sobbed when something made me think of R.  But then I thought about the last week at Disney and how he’d never be able to do anything there with me, and how I’d never give up Disney for him.  And that’s even if you don’t take into consideration how selfish he was.

Anyway- thank goodness for Disney World, thank goodness for some normalcy, and thank goodness for being back on what feels like the right track.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 4: Eff the Police (okay well maybe just this one douchebag cop)

Okay. DEVELOPMENT. That f*cker blocked me on Facebook. We were never even friends... Because he said he only used it for messenger for his family. I was hardly on it so I figured it wasn't a big deal. What the hell???? Y'all, was this asshole seeing someone else before he ended things with us and just doesn't want me to be able to see if he changes his profile pic or something? I checked using another profile and he is still indeed on Facebook, I just can't see him searching through my profile. Jesus Christ. What a gut punch. I wish I could hurt him the way he hurt me. Right now I have my certainty. Nothing that I did or tried to do could have fixed this or gotten him to discuss things with me like a functional adult. I'm just disappointed that I believed the version of him that he was showing me. I am irate, I am livid, I am furious, I am sad... But now my anger outweighs my sadness. I'm going to write him off as a post-J rebound. Because he did get me over J and I was wallowing about J for like a solid year.

I've cried for almost 3 days straight now, and it's time to pull myself out of it because now I finally know that he actually is a jerk and that the good guy who I fell in love with is just a character he was playing. He'll never find someone as good as me again who is willing to accept his bullshit after he reveals his true self to them. And maybe that's why he knew he needed to end things... Because he knew I'd do it if he didn't.

I am not okay, but I am more aware now. My heart is still broken, but I'm not still having to try to resist chasing down a fairytale that never really existed.

Now the question is, do I set the build-a-bear he gave me on fire?

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

I shared this post from Instagram with R one day. He seemed almost offended and started in about how Ryan Reynolds said "trained" and I explained how the two of them are always joking and doing silly stuff like this. Then he got really serious and started talking about how it made him seem whipped. I shared a funny post because it was funny and R kind of went off the deep end with the analysis of it. He had- and has- so much more internal baggage than I ever truly realized.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 2:  Break ups happen every day, you don’t have to lose it

And yet it feels like I have.  It feels like I’ve actually lost something worth having this time.  Something that I still want.  Someone that I still want.  Someone that I still NEED.  I’m sure my opinion will change on this as time passes, but everything about this situation is exceedingly difficult for me to process, especially since I still don’t have an understanding of what the hell happened.  How am I ever supposed to truly move on from this?  I haven’t told anyone this- and I didn’t even tell him- but I loved him... I love him.  Present tense.  After my first ex, I swore I’d never be the first person to say those words again, so I was holding on to them, hoping that he’d reach the same point sooner rather than later, and hoping that, for the first time, I’d have a real, true, solid, loving, healthy relationship.

I don’t want to go back to Tinder.  And honestly, at this point, even after I give myself some time, I think they’re right when they say Tinder is the clearance rack of humans.  Except sometimes you get pretty decent stuff from the clearance rack...  Tinder aside, I don’t want to go back to anything.  And I know this is how I felt when my first ex and I ended, and obviously I don’t feel that way about him now- but with this one... it feels so different and I can’t understand how I can feel so deeply and passionately about someone who was able to throw me and our months of experiences- months of life- away with a single text.

I’ve cried enough times today that my eyelids are actually swollen.  I’m okay sometimes- on the outside- then I’m crying.  I’m always crying on the inside.  I have been since 12:50pm yesterday.  I woke up and for almost a solid 30 seconds forgot what happened, and then it hit me.  And that’s probably only because I had stayed up until almost 4am unable to sleep because of all the emotions running through me.

I am physically and mentally exhausted on levels I never reached during my last breakup- and that was a breakup from a 5 year relationship.

I wonder if  he knows how much this is hurting me.  I wonder if he cares.  If maybe, he knew it wouldn’t work out and he was genuinely saving us from both getting more invested in something that wouldn’t work, but also feels badly about what he did.  Does he carry any guilt?  Or has he forgotten about me already?  Has he thrown away the matching t-shirts we had- including the one I special ordered, that we NEVER WORE.  Has he disposed of the shampoo and conditioner I left in his shower?  Has he tossed the deck of question cards I left because we still had a few to go to finish the entire set?  Has he gotten rid of the blanket I gave his dog- something to cover the couch so she’d be allowed to sit on it?  Has he thrown out the Ellie Badge Grape Soda pin that I gave him after we watched Up?  I wanted him to be in my club.  I wanted him to be the Carl to my Ellie.  I really wanted all of that.  I remember giving it to him.  I told him I had a surprise for him and I showed up wearing the matching shirt (Peas in a Pod #1 and #2) and then had the pin in my pocket.  He gave me a hug and tickled me, then pulled the pin from my pocket and dropped it in the hood of my sweatshirt when he reached back around to hug me.  I felt it and immediately knew where it was- and when I handed it to him, I didn’t even have to remind him of what it was.  He opened it and pinned it to his shirt right away and wore it for the rest of the day.  Afterward, he kept it on top of the shelf in his bedroom, along with a card I’d sent him in the mail and the deck of question cards.

This is the same man who simply stopped wanting to hang out- but didn’t say that- and then essentially ghosted me.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t know how to make myself come to terms with whatever it is that happened.  How does someone change so quickly and so dramatically?

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to do.  I just... I can’t anymore.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 1: Long Story Short It Was The Wrong Guy (AGAIN)

After nearly a year of being miserable after my ex and I broke up, and about 8  overlapping months of attempting to date, I finally met someone.

He seemed genuinely nice.  He met me at my neighborhood park and we walked his dog, around and around and around for probably a couple hours.  We talked nonstop- about 90% of the conversation was about our dogs.  We left and he hugged me goodbye (I turned to the side because- COVID- and I wasn’t expecting it... but it turns out he was vaccinated already) and said we’d do it again.

The next time he came to my house, met my dogs, and we walked his dog around my neighborhood. My dogs aren’t up for more than about a half a mile walk, so they stayed at home.  We talked and talked, we ended up back at the house before we were finished, so we re-walked half of the route, then walked part of the neighborhood beside mine.  By the time we got back, we still weren’t finished talking, but it was getting late.  We attempted the hug again.  He was vaccinated, I was going to be vaccinated the next month.  His dog lunged when we were going in for the hug and it ended up being kind of a 101 Dalmatians, tangled hug moment.  It was funny and a but awkward, but definitely memorable.

He said we’d do it again.

Then he asked me to go to his apartment so he could cook for me; he called it a date.  It was a little fast, but I made the hour long drive and went over for shrimp and fake meat tacos.  We also watched a movie.  It was nice.  He kissed me on the way out.  It was sweet.  I wasn’t sure that I wanted it to happen so soon, but I left with butterflies.

The next few dates alternated between him coming here to do outdoorsy things and me going to his apartment for a meal and a movie.  It was beginning to feel like a real relationship.

Over the next 5 months, he introduced me to all of his friends and we went to game nights together, coordinated to play video games with his friends when I went over, attended his friend’s post elopement wedding party, and he had me sign the photo matte that they had in place of a guest book.  It felt real, it felt solid, it felt like it would be long term and like he really cared about me.  It felt like the opposite of what I had with my ex.

He had me meet his dad.  He came over and met my family.  He said he’d go to Disney with me and he asked me to go skiing with him and his family.  He said he loved the beach and that it was his favorite place to go- so I anticipated multiple beach trips over the summer.  He listened to Taylor Swift with me, we watched dumb movies together, went grocery shopping and made Target runs together- aka “couple shit” as he called it.  I loved it.  I never got to do everyday couple activities with my ex.  He’d cook for me, I’d cook for him, he’d make random Taco Bell stops for me and he knew my order.

A few weeks ago, I finally decided to open up to him about some of my anxiety and worries.  I thought that the person I’d gotten to know over the last few months would be a person I could talk to and be real with- something I could never do with my ex unless I wanted to be judged and then ignored about it.  He listened, and attempted to offer a helpful response- which wasn’t really helpful, but he TRIED.  That was much more than I’d ever gotten from my ex.  A few days later, I went over to his apartment for the night.  We had dinner, it was off.  The conversation was off.  The movie was uncomfortable- like we were just sitting through it to get it over with.  He went to bed early but I was so wide awake that I sat in the living room playing on my phone and watching the storm outside for another 3 or 4 hours so I wouldn’t toss and turn in bed and keep him up sine he had to work in the morning.  In the morning, I had to drive home at 7am on only a few hours of sleep. I was cranky from that and the way the previous evening had panned out.

I laid in bed for a bit and snuggled his dog.  She’s so sweet.  She loves me and I love her-- so do my boys.  I laid there thinking “this feels like it might be the last time I ever see her...  so I just scratched her head and took a photo to remember the moment.

The goodbye was awkward, and I texted him when I got home and apologized for acting weird the night before and that morning.  I told him things felt off for some reason and laid out some things that were on my mind.  I thought open communication would be a good thing and that it would help him to understand my headspace and show him that I felt comfortable enough with him to talk to him  about these things.

The next week, he avoided hanging out with me.  The week after that, same story.  I asked him to come to a concert with me on a Sunday night- he said he’d love to if it wasn’t on a Sunday.  Then I asked him about another concert on the following Tuesday night- I jokingly asked him to play hooky from work and come with me.  He said he couldn’t- but I understood that; it made sense. I went out of town for the weekend to visit my brother and he said that we’d plan time to get together once I returned.  I returned and he mentioned nothing about getting together.  I brought it up once and he didn’t acknowledge it, but he still talked to me, just a lot less than usual.

The conversations we were having sounded like repeats of previous conversations- and I honestly don’t know if he didn’t remember telling me some of those things, but he liked to partake in a beer or two or three... pretty frequently- so I’m not certain that some of the time he talked to me, he wasn’t 100% there.  But that wasn’t the point- he was just sending me pleasantries and fillers as texts. No real conversation.

I started getting worried because my mind went to the worst possibility.  He was checking out.  We were done- or almost done.  I asked him if we were good because it seemed like we weren’t.  He said he was good and that work was just really rough lately and he was basically working and sleeping all the time.  All of my worries melted away and I instantly felt a sense of relief-- I had been worrying for nothing!  So I asked him if he had time for an evening hangout on Friday or Saturday or a different night if those didn’t work.  I’d come to him and bring food and we could watch a movie and veg out for a bit.

That was last night.

This morning I woke up early to go to a sunflower field to take some fun summer photos.  With covid apparently flaring up again, I was trying to find safe summer activities to do before the season’s over.  Since I couldn’t get my guy to go with me to basically anything, I decided I’d do the things he didn’t want to do with me on my own and do the other things with him.  It wasn’t so much a compromise as it was me just learning to be okay with having someone who didn’t want to take part in activities with me.  My mom went with me an we got some gorgeous photos.  I kept an eye on my phone expecting him to reply to my hangout request, because once he said yes- I’d also ask him to go with me to visit my brother in a couple weeks an have a fun beach weekend.

On the way home, I went through the drive thru at the bank and while I was waiting, I noticed my phone blinking.

It was a text.  From him.

I don’t think we’re a good match for each other.  There has been numerous occasions where you’ve said or done something (even in the name of “joking”) that hasn’t sat right with me.  I’m sure there have been times you felt the same about me as well.  I don’t want to waste any more of your time either.  I hope you find a man who is a better match for you.

First of all, what the actual fuck.  Secondly, there *have* been numerous occasions.  Third- I have no idea what I said or did...  Best I can muster is that since I’m pro equal rights and pretty liberal, maybe it came across as offensive because I think he has family members who are... trump-esque.  I barely brought up politics because I didn’t want to make things weird.  He is a cop and I never made jokes unless he did first (he’d regularly joke about cop stuff and talk about how he isn’t a typical cop and how he doesn’t like hanging out with other cops or doing cop stuff or even talking about cop stuff outside of work.)  He gave me a whole spiel about he’s not a “cop cop” when we first met, like he was trying to sell himself to me-- which  he didn’t need to do, but I thought it was cute.

I asked him if we could talk for a few minutes later in the day because I wasn’t understanding what was happening.  I told him that I wasn’t trying to change his feelings about anything, but I wanted to talk.  He totally blindsided me.

He never responded.

It’s basically midnight and he’s had most of the day to respond.  Five months and he can’t even give me an explanation.

This is what I get for trying to trust people.

Tomorrow- or later tonight- I’m sending one last text and blocking him.  He knew that’s how my ex ended things and how insensitive it was and how wrong it was.  We had this conversation.  And after five months, he just strings me along for the last few months and then ends things with a text.  So goddamn insensitive.

I know I’m better off without someone like him in my life, but this hurts so much more than the last time because at least my first ex was a jerk and it was on brand for him.  This one... my second ex... he was supposed to be better than this.  He was supposed to be nice.  He wasn’t supposed to hurt me, not like this.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 42: Summer is over, just like we are.

And I feel like my Spring and Summer were robbed from me by R. I guess at least I was able to have a fun summer romance while it lasted, but honestly at this point, I feel like I wish I had never met R and we'd never connected at all. It would have been less crushing if I had just been alone for the past 7 months. Instead, I got to experience what felt like 4 months of a perfect, surprising, sweet, happy relationship (and 1 month of feeling a little like I was with J again, and then 1+ month of heartbreaking agony) and now I keep thinking back to us and what we had and I feel so hopeless because with a few tiny exceptions, what we had was really great and I'm not sure I'll find that combination of things I need in a partner ever again. Why are men so callous and uncaring?

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 40:  I went on a “date” today

It was more of a “walk and talk” and it didn’t really feel like a date- which I think ended up being better than if it had been. 

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 15: Depression

I kicked my fever yesterday, after 11 days. I'm still tired, weak, and sometimes this cough makes me short of breath, but the fever is gone. Now that I'm feeling a tiny bit better in that area, my mind is filling itself with thoughts of R. How he is, what he's doing, if he misses me, why things happened the way they did two weeks ago today... How things fell apart- because it still doesn't make sense to me. And despite everything I've told myself, everything I've written, every conclusion I've had to draw myself because I was given no explanation-- I still miss him. I still want to see him and I want to hear his voice. I don't care about any of the other guys I've chatted with lately on this dating app I'm using... I keep thinking that one of them will be different and as we chat, things will feel different- but none of them do. Even the nice ones. But then the nice ones just make me think of R and then I wonder if they're actually nice or if they're putting on a show... Since that's apparently what every man I've ever been involved with has done. They're all the same-- how do I tell the difference between the good ones and the bad ones when they all start out behaving the same??

I don't feel like seeing or talking to my friends, but I'm doing it because I know I should. I don't feel like doing anything in particular; I just feel like an empty shell of a person walking through life, with no purpose or desires. I'm trying to find something, anything to do or to watch or to listen to, that will being me some sort of hope, some sort of happiness. I don't know what that is. Even the thought of going to Disney next month doesn't have me excited like it usually does-- that's my all time favorite place to be. I just keep praying that some switch inside of me flips and turns me back to how I was before R. I'm praying that Disney does it for me-- because if it doesn't, I'm really scared that nothing ever will.

I hate feeling like this and it scares me so much. After J, I was never this bad... I don't know what to do.