#quick context as well back then i only ever played party pack 3

[beepsparks]

Hyperfixating on something you never really acknowledged too much previously is actually so funny because then you’ll start doing deep dives into the thing you faintly remember from like years ago and go “OH MY GOD I DIDNT KNOW (blank)???”

[hurricanery]

If the Sun Comes Up - pt. 4

A/N: Hi, it’s been a while, but here’s part 4 of If the Sun Comes Up! (AU - interns fic). This is me ignoring s17!!! Sorry for the delay, this has been repeatedly deleted from my drafts for the last week & then i didn’t even edit or make changes SO idk what all that was for. anyway thank you for sticking with this story! Previous parts here: part 1 // part 2 // part 3

Or, you can read on ao3.

_______

And so it starts, you switch the engine on

We set controls for the heart of the sun

One of the ways we show our age

_______

She has no idea how she got here. Or more specifically, how she could be pressured into something like this. Maggie typically prided herself on standing firm; standing her own ground and refusing to be swayed by others. But none of that self-proclamation holds true right now.

Because she’s here. Driving Winston’s car. Trunk filled to capacity and two of her roommates squeezed into the backseat.

The hypocrisy of it all is almost infuriating. Because Maggie hates camping.

“I hate camping,” she voices her detest out loud.

An apologetic sigh can be heard from Winston next to her, where he sits passenger side. But ultimately, it’s Amelia’s voice that grabs her attention, the bewilderment making itself known from the backseat.

“Oh, come on,” there’s an element of disbelief to her tone, and Maggie locks eyes with her through the rear-view mirror.

“Step out of your comfort zone a little, Maggie!” She raises her eyebrows, beginning to gesture with her hands. Link shuffles in his seat, where he’s squeezed in tightly beside Amelia, in an attempt to free up a little space for her body language. Some of the camping supplies had ended up packed over half of the backseat, and Maggie can’t help but chuckle at the proximity of Amelia’s hand to Link’s face as she gestures absentmindedly. “It’s camping. It’s adventurous, it’s-”

Maggie has since focused back on the road, but the sudden pause in speech makes her feel uneasy. Amelia’s focus shifts from the packaged tent next to her, to the back of Winston’s head, and then back to Maggie.

“It’s sleeping in a tent,” she continues, a spark of gleam in her eyes as she scans the couple in the front seat. “Or, maybe it’s not sleeping. Hey, I mean, whatever the two of you-”

“Amelia,” Maggie cuts in, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter as Winston’s hand comes to rest on her knee, giving it a soothing squeeze.

“Come on, babe,” Winston murmurs. “It’ll be fun. And plus, Karev would definitely be proud of us.”

Maggie grins a little, despite herself.

They’d been a bit all over the place, as a group of interns. A little bit too chaotic and never fully on the same page. As their resident, Karev was constantly voicing his impatience about the dynamics of the group. She partly thinks that yes, Alex would be proud of the bonding journey that they’d chosen to embark on, but the more realist part of her brain can’t ignore the obviousness that being roommates was probably bonding enough.

Maggie peeks in the rear-view once more, this time checking to make sure that Lexie and Jo are still following in the car behind them. She catches Amelia’s stare again and consequently feels the need to brace herself.

“Babe?” Amelia bites her lip, repeating the pet name Winston had just used. “What happened to ‘we’re just friends?’”

“We are friends.” Maggie sighs, trying her best to ignore the amusement that radiates from Winston at this specific call-out.

“And Link and I are friends,” Amelia’s quick with her rebuttal, tilting her head towards Link. “I don’t go around calling him babe.”

Link sucks in a breath, and then another one, with the addition of Amelia’s afterthought. “But maybe I’ll start.”

It’s subtle. The way Link’s face changes. He hides it just as quickly as it surfaces. But it’s there, she hasn’t imagined it, and it’s the first thing to make Maggie genuinely smile for the length of the trip so far.

“I’m kidding,” Amelia nudges Link with her shoulder. “I can come up with a better nickname than that.”

“Okay enough,” Maggie suppresses the grin she feels spreading across her cheeks. She reaches forward for the knob on the dashboard, turning the music up.

Link’s relief at the diversion tactic is almost palpable. Maggie can practically feel it from the backseat. She thinks maybe the feeling rising in her chest equates to sympathy.

She loves Amelia. She really does. Which is saying a lot, especially for her. It takes effort for her to grow comfortable with people, or to even relate on any level. She’s always felt a step ahead of most people in life. But Amelia really challenges her. It’s only been a couple of months since they’d met, and somewhere along the way, things changed. Amelia’s unpredictable nature had shifted from something Maggie initially feared, to something she appreciates. Like the human embodiment of the push she needs. The push she needs to take things less seriously, or the push she needs to open up and be spontaneous. Whatever the case, it’s never felt more necessary. Like she’s been missing out on it for too long. So, she tries to embrace it at every turn.

“Are we almost there?” Amelia pipes up again from the backseat. “I have to pee, and believe me, I’m down for a little side-of-the-road action if that’s what it comes down to-”

Maggie groans impatiently. But then she remembers about embracing it. So decidedly, her next words sound gentle. “We’re almost there, hold it together.”

_______

It ends up taking two full hours for six surgical interns to figure out how to set up a campsite. And even though the task is grueling, the level of teamwork somehow exceeds what they normally display during a typical hospital shift.

The sun starts to set as the second of the two tents finally stands on it’s own and everyone takes a moment to finally relax.

“That wasn’t too bad,” Link sits back against the tree on the outskirts of their surrounding area.

Jo huffs out a breath as she joins him, rolling her eyes. “That was two hours of my life that I’ll never get back.”

“What’s next?” Amelia steps out of the larger tent, pulling a sweatshirt over her head. “Does anyone know how to build a bonfire?”

_______

She has no idea how it got to this. How six grown adults could resort to immature party games around a campfire and feel so content about it. Maggie had been relieved when the game of ‘truth or dare’ ended as quickly as it started. She’d been hoping for something a bit more intellectual. A little less high school.

Unfortunately her hopes were never granted.

“Wait, I feel like the stakes aren’t high enough.” Amelia had tossed the observation out flimsily.

But the observation had its impact.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

And then the ideas had piled on.

“Loser has to cover my scut work in the ER all week.”

“No way.”

“Loser has to make us each a s'more.”

“Nah. Stakes not high enough.”

“Loser has to jump in the lake.”

Amelia had voiced the last one, resulting in a surprised type of silence. The type of silence that could raise stakes.

It was the ultimatum they were looking for, apparently. And to much of Maggie’s dismay, they hadn’t moved on to an intellectual game. Nothing worth raising the stakes over, at least.

Because they’d settled on a game of ‘never have I ever.’

“Okay, okay. My turn. What have I not done…?” Amelia trails off, deep in thought, and it earns some chuckles from the group. “Oh! Never have I ever had a threesome.”

Suspectful eyes dart around the bonfire, and Link’s attempt to conspicuously fold down a finger fails.

“Link!”

Jo giggles hysterically.

“You have?” There’s surprise in Amelia’s voice, and it corresponds with the way her face lights up.

“You haven’t?” Link bites back.

“Well, almost, I guess. But-”

“Okay!” Jo interjects. “No need for context! That’ll just slow us down. Link, your turn.”

“Okay,” Link grins determinedly across the bonfire, eyes landing on Amelia. “Never have I ever almost had a threesome.”

Amelia scoffs, dropping a finger.

“Wait!” Maggie fast-tracks her disapproval. “Are we singling people out now? The game will end too quickly if we-”

“Never have I ever been named after an iconic literary figure.” Amelia jumps in again, completely ignoring Maggie’s objection.

Link drops a finger, rolling his eyes. Too easy.

“Never have I ever slept with Mark Sloan.”

He sounds proud of this one. And all focus drifts to Amelia, whose eyes narrow only slightly as she drops another finger.

“You did what?” Maggie seems skeptical.

“You did what? When?” And Lexie’s voice sounds strained.

“Shit, sorry. Too far?” Link’s pride genuinely replaces itself with worry.

“I never meant for it to be a secret.” There’s something distinct about Amelia’s tone as she jumps back into the game, clearly with the intention of going after Link again. “Never have I ever-”

“No!” Maggie seems to be the only one intervening at this point. “No, stop. My turn. If we play it your way, this game will be over in two seconds.”

Amelia and Link shrug dismissively amidst the general hums of agreement.

“Never have I ever…” Maggie pauses, taking a moment to truly think on it. She racks her brain for ways to prolong the game. “Never have I ever been arrested!”

Amelia slowly drops her last finger, a grimace consuming her face, and Maggie’s mouth opens wide in shock.

“Amelia, what,” she breathes. “I was trying to keep people in the game. What-”

“We agreed on no context!” Amelia is quick to refute, forcing a grin as she repeats the request spoken earlier.

“Okay….” She draws out her response, and the next part of her sentence sounds quiet, or laced with secondhand defeat. “But you lost the game already.”

“That’s fine,” Amelia is just as quick to stand from her chair, shrugging casually at what that entails.

“Amelia-”

“To the lake? Or am I doing this without witnesses?”

Maggie’s brows furrow at the bitterness that exists in that question, but then Amelia turns, walking away from them, and Maggie is the first to go after her.

_______

"Amelia, you’re the one who made the rule. You can’t back out now.”

They’re all huddled together at the sandy area near the dock that edges out into the dark lake, and Maggie can’t hold back her impatience. She’s a rule-follower, after all. She's also cold. And she just wants to be by the bonfire again.

“I know, I know. I’m….” Amelia trails off, exhaling harshly. “Just give me a minute.”

There’s momentary quiet. The kind of quiet that nearly gives room for everyone to re-think what’s about to happen. But, if anyone's thoughts were the loudest, they were Amelia’s.  

“The sun was still out when I made up this rule!”

That’s true. Maggie can give her that. It’s late now, purely dark outside except for the glow of the moonlight reflecting off of the lake.

“We don’t know what’s in there…” Amelia adds, eyes focused on the body of water before them. “We don’t know if it’s safe to swim here.”

“It’s a state park,” Winston chuckles.

“And there’s a sign right there,” Lexie adds matter-of-factly, nodding towards the edge of the sand. “No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk.”

“Amelia, it's a swimming beach.”

There’s an element to Amelia’s expression that Maggie sees herself in. It provokes that feeling. The heart-lurching feeling that comes with the awareness that you can’t bring yourself to do the thing you intend to do. The restlessness that rises with the opposition of your mind moving miles a minute but your feet remaining frozen where you stand. It takes place in the nervous system. And it’s like the physical manifestation of not being able to rip the bandaid off, or not being able to take the plunge, to be more literal in this scenario.

Suddenly, Maggie’s hit with the fleeting recognition that everyone’s the same deep down. Some were just better at hiding it than others.

The revelation almost makes her feel sympathy. Almost.

Because Amelia’s version of hiding it was turning out to be displaced over-confidence.

“I knew you were all talk and no-”

“I’ll jump in with you,” Link interrupts, nudging Amelia, who shakes from her daze as she turns away from the lake, locking eyes with Link.

“Shit, I’m down, too,” Jo shrugs. “I’m right behind you guys.”

A look of pure skepticism crosses Amelia’s face, and Link just starts to grin, hugely.

“No,” Maggie breathes. “No, no, no.”

Because she knows what this is about to turn into. And then it’s all happening, fast.

Link is stripping down to his boxers, tossing his clothes into a pile on the grass just left of the dock. And then he’s running. His feet clamber against the wood paneling as he takes off over the structure that extends along the shore and into the body of water.

There’s a huge splash. And then he resurfaces, gasping.

“It’s not that deep, come on!” He yells. “And it’s warm, too. Like a hot tub!”

The next thing Maggie registers is that Jo is following suit, peeling off her sweatshirt and tossing it towards Link’s pile of clothes.

She feels Winston’s hand grip her shoulders, gently pushing her towards the dock as he murmurs “Come on, babe.”

There’s another splash somewhere, and then Jo resurfaces, giggling hysterically. "Link!” She gasps dramatically, “You liar, this is fucking freezing!”

And all Maggie can think is this is so unfair.

_______

It’s so unfair.

The fact that five people have somehow endured jumping into this lake and yet, Amelia remains unscathed. Secure, on dry land, a smirk on her face that can only signify that she thinks she’s won.

“Amelia!” Maggie yells once again. “You have thirty seconds to get into this water.”

“Maggie-”

“No way,” Maggie cuts her off before the smug tone can set her off even further. She lets go of Winston’s shoulder, which she’s been holding onto for dear life since she jumped in, and she swims closer to the dock. Closer to Amelia. “I won’t let you play us like this.”

Amelia grins further, dipping just her toes in the water. “Maggie, I’m not trying to play anyone, I-”

“Get in the water, Amelia!” Maggie shouts, but her impatience only leads to more smugness on Amelia’s behalf.

She almost gives up. Accepts defeat. But then Link is joining her, inching towards Amelia on the dock, whose expression falters only slightly as they approach.

“Should we splash her?” Maggie tilts her head towards Link, inquisitive edge to her voice. “We could splash her.”

The threat seems to be the push Amelia needs. She shakes her head incessantly as they make their advance, and she takes a deep breath before she goes to remove her jeans, adding them to the pile of clothes that everyone else has stripped off.

Jo whistles from somewhere further out into the lake and Amelia’s smirk returns, a complete result of the knowledge that she has an audience. Her classic Harvard sweatshirt gets added to the pile and then she’s on an even playing field with everyone else, dressed down to whatever underwear she’d thrown on this morning.

They continue their approach, and Amelia looks down just as a burst of wind forcibly shakes the branches of a tree above, thus causing her to wrap her arms around herself.

“You’ll warm up faster if you get in, Shepherd.” Link says in a low tone.

“I know,” Amelia’s tone is just as low. “But I’m not jumping.”

“What happened to adventurous?!” Maggie mocks her. Not harshly, but more so aiming to re-inspire the fearlessness that previously had been.

“I’m not jumping in,” Amelia repeats as she sits at the edge of the dock, letting the water hit her up to about mid-shin. “I’m just gonna kind of slide in….” She trails off as Link pushes forward, now in shallow enough water to stand. And when Amelia goes to wrap her arms around herself again, Maggie swears it’s out of modesty this time.

“It’s harder that way,” Link smiles up at her. “But okay.”

“Okay,” she repeats his sentiment, but doesn’t make any move to get into the water.

“Okay,” Maggie interjects, directing her next words at Link. “As apparently the only rule-follower here, I give you full permission to do whatever it takes to get her into this water already.”

Her instructions result in a mischievous twitch of Link’s lips, and conversely, a look of complete betrayal from Amelia.

“Your rules.” Maggie quietly defends herself.

Link turns back to Amelia, who meets his gaze with pure panic in her eyes. But he steps closer anyway, placing his hands around her shins and pulling her a couple inches closer to where he stands in the water.

She gasps. Her hands fly out, landing on his shoulders. “Wait wait wait!” She cries, the alarm in her voice matching the frantic action of her nails digging into his skin.

Link stops his movements, placing his hands on her knees as he tries to read her facial expression.

Her eyes dart between his. “You swear it’s not too cold?”

“It’s not cold, Amelia,” he murmurs, moving his hands underneath her bare thighs and pulling her forward an inch more.

Maggie looks between the two, suddenly feeling out of place, or like she’s witnessing a private moment. But, she can’t tear her eyes away. She feels transfixed by the eye contact happening between the pair, and she lets out a stunned chuckle.

“It’s not cold,” Link repeats, and now Maggie scoffs. Because this moment is becoming almost unbelievable with tension. But then Link’s expression changes. Just as quickly as flipping a switch. The facet of mischief returns to his eyes and then he’s opening his mouth again.

“And I’m so sorry for this!” He shouts as he finally pulls Amelia into the water, throwing his head back with laughter as she resurfaces before him.

Her arms are still wrapped around his shoulders in a viselike grip. “Alright, screw you for that!” She laughs as she comes to her senses, consequently letting go and distancing herself from Link. “But thank you, I guess."

“My pleasure.”

Maggie watches, eyes burning with curiosity, and she’s not able to hide the smile that creeps onto her lips as the pair move as far away from each other as possible. The interaction is way too amusing, and part of her feels like, if she were the menacing type, this would be the perfect opportunity to pay back some of Amelia’s relentless teasing with some of her own.

“Can we get out now?” Lexie swims up, interrupting her thoughts. “I’m kinda over this.”

“I just got in. Was that for no reason?!”

“And whose fault is that?” Maggie snickers. But it doesn’t sound harsh at all, as she offers Amelia a comforting smile.

When they eventually leave the shoreline, Maggie feels a sense of fondness course through her. Or maybe protectiveness. Whatever the feeling, it was definitely the stark opposite of her previous annoyance with the way the evening was turning out.

She carefully observes as Amelia slows behind the group, and she slows with her, matching her pace.

Amelia offers her a small smile, before a shiver takes over her body, interrupting her guise. It makes sense, Maggie thinks. Because soaking wet hair and the sun going down in the middle of nowhere might just bring on that sort of involuntary action.

But she can’t ignore the shift in energy. The sudden vanishing of the confidence and even the playful competitiveness.

“You okay?” She eventually asks.

“Tired.” Amelia only offers a shrug, her thumbnail nearly reaching the corner of her mouth in a restless action. But it’s like she catches herself, as Maggie’s stare burns into her, and instead she drops her hands to her sides.

“Me too,” Maggie’s voice is soft, and an impulse rises in her that screams comfort. Suddenly, her arm is wrapping around Amelia’s shoulder tightly, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Let’s get some sleep.”

_______

It’s a known fact that Maggie hates camping. She can think of several reasons for that. One of the side effects she’d fail to consider, though, was the consequent lack of rest that would come with it.

It couldn’t be any later than 5am, she concludes, as she unzips her and Winston’s tent and steps out into the dark campground.

To much of her surprise, she’s not alone. She’s not the only one experiencing the unwanted side effects of sleeping in a tent.

“Hey,” Amelia’s voice sounds gravelly, as she perks up from the chair she’s seated at around the empty bonfire. “Good morning.”

“How can it be morning?” Maggie groans. “Does it really count as morning when you didn’t get any sleep at all?”

“You’re preaching to the choir.”

Maggie frowns. “You didn’t sleep?”

“Link snores. And Lexie talks in her sleep….” Amelia weakly attempts a smile, and it just makes Maggie’s frown deepen.

“Everything alright?” She asks.

“Yeah, just wish I’d slept better.”

Maggie squints, because there’s detail there that she can’t quite decipher. She scans Amelia’s face another moment, before an idea strikes.

“Do you want to go on a hike with me? Watch the sunrise?”

“You don’t really seem like the hiking type.”

“You’re right. I guess ‘hike’ is a strong word. But anyway, how about it?”

Amelia stares blankly at her for a long moment, before eventually she nods, standing up.

“Alright,” Maggie grins. “Let me tell Winston where we’re going first.”

_______

They take a marked path. Signs at every turn highlight for them which way to go. It’s a few minutes into the hike before either of them speaks. It’s Amelia who opens up the conversation.

“Ready to be home?”

Maggie laughs. “Absolutely. I’ve been ready since the moment we got here.”

“Well, hopefully they have the cars all packed by the time we get back.”

Maggie nods, then reaches for the water bottle she’d brought with her, taking a few sips.

“Do I tease you and Winston too much?”

The question completely catches Maggie off guard, and she harshly swallows her sip of water.

“Huh?”

“I can be….a little overbearing sometimes. But,” Amelia offers a quick side-glance. “At least I’m self aware about that.”

“Not at all. I mean, honestly, Winston gets a kick out of it so-”

“Yeah, but do you?”

Maggie stops walking, her face muddled with confusion. It takes Amelia a moment to realize she’s stopped, and she turns around, meeting Maggie’s stare expectantly.

“Amelia….If it bothered me I would tell you.”

Amelia nods at this information, and then turns away, continuing on the path.

“Was I too harsh last night? About the rules of the game?” Maggie quickens her pace, catching up.

“No,” Amelia laughs under her breath. “We needed the discipline, I think.”

“Yeah but you didn’t need to jump into that lake. I can be a little of overbearing sometimes, too, so-”

“Nah. We balance each other out.”

Maggie squints, a little surprised by that observation. She’s taken aback by the accuracy of it, and it’s evident in her inflection.

“We kind of do, don’t we?”

Amelia beams at her, before her gaze returns to the path below. “I’m glad we came to that realization.”

Comfortable silence falls between them, and there’s a few minutes dedicated purely to the hike, before Amelia clears her throat to speak again.

“Although, I am trying to jump less. So maybe I need you to balance me out just a little more.”

“You lost me,” Maggie quirks an eyebrow at her. “Are we talking about the lake still?”

“Metaphorically. Maybe.”

Maggie’s expression just grows more perplexed, urging Amelia to continue.

“I’ve been….historically known to jump into things. Or people. Or habits, or…” She cuts herself off with a harsh breath, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. “I’d like to do that less. The whole….jumping blindly and hoping I’ll land, thing. So. Maybe I need you to balance me out a little more.”

Maggie nods, slowly grasping the explanation. “I get that.”

“Do you?”

“Well, no,” Maggie frowns. “I’ve never been one to….do anything, really, without weighing the pros and cons first. But, I do get what you’re saying, though. Even if I can’t personally relate.”

Amelia keeps her eyes glued to the path ahead, and the lack of response forces Maggie to attempt filling the silence with her own self-reflection.

“I’ve been thinking of taking a note from you, in that way, actually. Sometimes I really need to think less.”

This makes Amelia smile. “Maybe we can try to meet in the middle somewhere.”

“Yeah, that might be good for us.”

As the conversation trails off again, Maggie can’t help but question what specifically Amelia is referencing. She doesn’t want to push, especially given her recent self-proclamation as overbearing. But part of her thinks that one last inquiry won’t hurt.

“You and Link seem to have fun.”

Amelia’s eyes snap up to Maggie’s face before the sentence is even finished.

“What makes you say that?”

There’s not an ounce of emotion in Amelia’s expression. It’s probably the best poker face Maggie has ever seen. And so she’s careful with her next words, her voice slow and questioning.

“I just mean....you know….the banter?”

“Banter?”

“Yes the banter, Amelia,” she lets out a stunned chuckle. “I don’t know how else to put it! It’s like you’re constantly play-fighting. It’s like….it’s like this weird, alluring competitiveness that’s almost uncomfortable to watch. It’s being at each other’s throats over a stupid game of ‘never have I ever.’ It’s the craziest form of flirting I’ve ever witnessed, and it’s-”

“Link and I are friends.”

“Winston and I are friends.” She bites down on her grin, trying to contain the pride that radiates as she uses Amelia’s own pointed claims against her.

“Okay, don’t pull that on me.”

“I think it’s perfectly fair-”

“Maggie.”

“Amelia.”

Two pairs of eyes tighten upon scrutinized contact.

“Amelia,” she softens her expression a bit. “All I’m saying is….despite it being weird to watch.” She releases an awkward exhale.  “I think it works. I think you’ve kinda met your match.”

“There’s no match to be made, Maggie! I’m-”

They’re both a little caught off guard by the frustration and volume of Amelia’s tone. And Amelia takes a moment to breathe before she continues, an octave lower this time.

“I’m jumping less, remember?”

Maggie wants to frown. She wants to disagree. She almost wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

But they’re edging towards the outskirts of the campsite. She can hear voices, and the distinct sound of car trunks slamming shut. Which signifies that they’re nearing the end of the hike, so she bites her tongue instead, because Amelia looks too exhausted to argue it more.

They clear the trees, entering the campground, and Winston watches them approach.

“Hey! Cars are packed, but it’ll be a tight squeeze again,” he smiles sympathetically. He walks forward to rest his hands on Maggie’s shoulders in familiar reassurance. “And you get to sleep in the car, because this time I’m driving.”

_______

Maggie doesn’t think she’s imagining this part.

Her lack of sleep the night prior results in Winston’s refusal to let her drive. Which only bothers her a little, because the exhaustion outweighs her requisite for control.

Her eyes feel heavy as she rests her head against the window. She tries to focus on the road ahead as Winston drives; doesn't want to give up being a second pair of eyes as she sits passenger side. But her fatigue gets the best of her. Although it’s difficult to separate her overtired brain from certainty, she doesn’t think she’s imagining this part.

She hears it first. Link’s chuckle.

It’s enough to shake her from her reverie. She lifts her head and tries to be conspicuous as she turns, glancing into the backseat.

Amelia’s sat in the middle seat again, squeezed tightly between the camping supplies and then Link on the other side of her. Her eyes are fighting to stay open, and she's doing that weird head bobbing thing. That subconscious move that happens quite literally before falling asleep.

“Hey. Here.”

The sound of Link’s voice causes Amelia’s eyes to widen, quickly becoming aware of herself. She continues to blink, fighting off a bout of exhaustion that Maggie completely sympathizes with.

When Amelia locks eyes with him, Link simply pats his shoulder, indicating a potential landing spot for her head.

She frowns tiredly at him.

“Just do it,” he shrugs, patting his shoulder again. “I’m a better option than that boxed tent.” He nods past her. “As far as pillows go, at least.”

Amelia seems to fight it for a second. She really does. Her eyebrows pull together as she continues to stare blankly at Link.

Maggie diverts her attention because once again, she feels like she’s intruding on some private moment. But she remains listening. She can’t help it. There’s some shuffling around and then-

“Hm.” She hears Amelia hum. “You do make a decent pillow.” It’s followed by a murmured “Thank you.”

“Sure. What are friends for?”

Link’s response is barely a whisper, but Maggie can hear it still, even over the general hum of the highway below. She doesn’t think she’s imagining this part.

What are friends for?

It’s enough to make her turn in her seat again, an incredulous stare plastered on her face as she raises her eyebrows in Link’s direction.

He seems not to notice her interest, or rather her disbelief. Because his focus is consumed by the dark head of hair resting against his shoulder.

Amelia’s eyes are shut tight, her expression revealed when she adjusts herself slightly against him. And then Link smiles to himself, still unaware of the scrutiny descending from the front seat.

Maggie allows the doubt to flood her mind as she turns to rest against her own window again, and she fights off a smile as she lets her eyes finally close.

Friends. Right.

//

[largedenominationsplease]

you’d come over, right?

Summary: A year after Kiara and JJ broke up, they come home to the Outer Banks to deal with one of the hardest years of their lives.

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: swearing, canon-compliant smoking, au, minor character death, cancer, current events

A/N: Alternate Universe: JJ and Kiara dated seriously for a long while, but over a year before this story, they parted ways. Set in present-day with current events, but most current events are only mentioned briefly for context. All characters aged 21+. Partially inspired by If the World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi and current events and Sad Feels™ and a sad playlist my sister made. Come cry with me... also on ao3

Shoutout to @alexandracheers​ for proofreading <3

Sometimes even the most beautiful things die. It’s the sad cycle of life. 

It starts with a spark, a first touch, a first look, a first kiss; 

a few embers of warmth, holding hands, secret glances, flirty texts; 

the roaring flames of passion, clinging to one another, leaving the party early, tangled limbs and tangled sheets; 

then the steady heat of a well-tended fire, cozy mornings making coffee, binging your favorite shows, texting to see how your day is. 

But, sometimes, even the most loved and cared for fires die. They go out with little warning or reason. What was a welcome flame in the hearth one night may be a bed of ash by morning. 

Their fire died a long time ago. It wasn’t anyone’s fault - no one was trying to douse the flames - it just went out. When they sat down and discussed breaking up - parting ways was a more apropos term - she hadn’t even cried. When he packed up and moved out, it was unceremonious. He even kissed her forehead as he left, like he’d done a hundred times before, only this time he wasn’t coming back. 

She still dreamed about him. Sometimes unbidden images of picket fences and a dog and home-cooked meals and potted plants intruded upon her thoughts. Once, when her period was late, she’d even dreamt of a curly-haired little boy with blue eyes - which was ridiculous because she was very single at the time. Did she even want to have kids?

He thought about her, too. Each new destination she traveled to brought new Instagram posts and awakened an ache in his chest he couldn’t quite place. That ache deepened when she revisited places they had gone together - unwanted memories flooding his senses. The smell of coconut still sent him spinning, missing the feeling of running his fingers through her hair, over the smooth skin of her arms and legs. 

What hurt so badly about their fire dying wasn’t that it died. What hurt was that it should never have died; that it died so quietly and suddenly; that one day it was there, burning bright, and the next it was a cold gray heap of coals. 

Even their friends were surprised when he moved back home. “Where is she?” and “What happened?” and “We had no idea you had any problems.”

Followed by the futile response of, “It was just time to move on.”

And they did move on, eventually. She traveled to forget and perhaps after a few months she could call herself truly happy - though there was always an ache of not having someone to share each experience with. He stayed at home, but he opened his own business and the familiarity of home soothed any wounds he sustained. Their fire might have gone out, but they kept the bed of ash in the fireplace, a shrine to what they once had, and it was more comforting than sad after a time. 

When the virus first hit, she’d been back in the states, on the West Coast. She messaged him:

Are you safe? Still have a job? Anyone sick?

Fine for now. You?

Fine.

When the protesting started, he knew she’d be in the thick of it. Not that he didn’t get involved, he just knew her passion for people and justice. He messaged her back this time:

You’re protesting, aren’t you? Are you safe?

Of course! But I’m being careful. You?

Staying safe. Protesting here, too. 

Hurricane Isaias wasn’t meant to be a bad storm, but she had still tracked it up the East Coast. Her suspicions were confirmed when it intensified.

Isaias didn’t wipe y’all out, did it?

No, blew through pretty quick. The Cut took a hit. Gonna take some time to fix it up. 

At first, after reading the headlines about the fires out west, he thought it was a joke. As they spread, he realized how serious it was and it worried him. 

You evacuated, right? The air quality is shit where you are. 

Yep. Gonna take a pandemic-friendly tour of some national parks further east.

Every new development meant more messages sent. Simple little check-ins that meant nothing and everything. It was a scary year the world faced, and even after all those months apart, the only thing they wanted was to find comfort in one another’s safety. On opposite ends of the country, the two of them tied together by current events and the memory of their relationship. 

Mid-September, while she was traveling away from the fires on the West Coast, he got a call from her mother. He hadn’t spoken to her mother much since they had broken up, over a year ago, but she still liked his Instagram posts and struck up conversations when she saw him around town. 

“Hey, Mrs. Anna.”

“Hi, JJ. I’ve told you, it’s just Anna.” Her voice was soft and as kind as ever, but held an edge of tiredness and strain he hadn’t heard from her before. “We have some… tough news, and we wanted you to hear it from us first.”

Colon cancer…

Kiara’s hearing faded into white noise as her mother spoke those words to her through the phone. Her mother went on to explain that even though they caught it late, the doctors were optimistic that her father would make a recovery. Treatments were set to start right away. 

“Mom, I’m coming home.”

“Honey, we know you’ve got traveling plans. We’ll be fine. We don’t want to interrupt your-”

“Mom, I can’t do much traveling with this virus. Dad is more important than any of that, anyway. I’m coming home.”

JJ cried when Anna hung up the phone. Mike was rough around the edges, and he was resistant to Kiara dating a Maybank, but once JJ won him over, he treated him like a son. Hearing this news was a punch to the gut - it was like losing a father. Even in the midst of his sadness he knew Kiara would be sent into a tailspin.

Hey. You okay?

She was typing in response, then nothing. He waited, seeing the little bubble pop up again and again and fade away each time. And then she videocalled. She hadn’t called him in months - not since they parted ways. The little screen showed her in her car, only illuminated by her dim phone screen and the passing street lights. Tears stained her cheeks, but she kept her eyes trained on the road. “I’m not okay.”

“You’re driving right now?”

“I’m coming home.”

“Kiara, pull over. It’s late. Get some sleep.”

“I can’t. They caught it late - he might… who knows how much time I have-”

“Kie.” His voice was soft. He was always soft toward her.

Her face crumpled as the tears fell fresh. He let her cry. He talked to her about nothing and everything as her tears subsided. She cried as she drove through the night, talking to him when she was calm, crying harder when the conversation lulled. She didn’t stop until she noticed he’d fallen asleep, the video call still rolling. It was after four in the morning. The pang of nostalgia that tore through her was enough to make her catch her breath. They hadn’t talked like that since they first started dating. A few tears sneaked out of the corners of her eyes, but she couldn’t tell if the memories or the fear of the future caused them. She found a safe place to park and fell into a fitful sleep in the back of her car. 

She made it home just in time for her dad’s first surgery. JJ met her and her mother at the hospital parking lot, all masks and six-feet of distance until she said, “I could really use a hug.” The three of them colliding into a group hug within seconds. 

JJ made sure the Carreras didn’t need anything as Mike went through chemo and more and more hospital stays. He ran errands for them since none of them could risk going out and bringing anything home. He did yard work since Mike hated an unkept lawn. Kiara always made sure to leave him snacks and drinks on the back deck as the North Carolina heat stretched into October. Aside from that, he willingly put himself at Anna’s beck and call. Anything and everything she needed done, he jumped at the opportunity to help. He would even come over in the evenings to play cards with Mike - masks included. Kiara’s heart ached as she watched her parents get along with him so well. She hadn’t realized how far he had wormed his way into their little family, but here they were, acting as though nothing had changed between him and their daughter, loving him like a son. He praised her mom’s cooking until she blushed and there were times he could make her dad laugh so hard they all forgot for a moment that cancer existed. Those moments were fleeting and oh-so cherished. 

Mike deteriorated quickly. It made Kiara sick to see her father become a cancer-wasted shell of himself. As optimistic as the doctors had been originally, the treatments weren’t taking well. As chemo wrapped up, his numbers were still dangerously high. November brought another emergency surgery that confirmed their worst fears. Mike moved home. They were told all that was left was to manage the pain and make him as comfortable as they could. They had perhaps a month left. JJ moved into the guest room to be as close as possible in case anything was needed from him. The four of them were left waiting as Thanksgiving approached. 

Kiara wasn’t sleeping. Maybe it was knowing her ex-boyfriend was staying down the hall from her, though that was an odd thing to focus on. More likely, it was the fact that her father was passing away right before her eyes, slipping through her fingers as she stood by, helpless. The sun had set hours ago, and she sat with a now-cold cup of tea in front of her at the kitchen table, mulling over each crazy event that had led her to this point. 

JJ wandered into the kitchen, opening the fridge to inspect the contents. “What are you doing up so late?” he asked.

“I could ask you the same thing.” The words came out harsher than she had intended, but then again, she was exhausted in every single sense of the term.

JJ brushed off her roughness. “Hungry. Did you eat dinner?” He knew she hadn’t, so he set about making an extra sandwich.

After a few moments of silence, Kiara whispered, “It’s all my fault.”

“What?”

“It’s my fault,” she repeated, her lip trembling. “I always kept track of his appointments for him. He was always shit at remembering to go to the doctor. He should have had one last year, but I didn’t come home and I didn’t remind him. If I hadn’t broken up with you, I would have been here to remind him to go.” Tears shone in her eyes and on her cheeks.

JJ gave her a quizzical look, deciphering what she was saying. “I seem to recall being the one who left. But really none of this is anyone’s fault,” he kept his voice even, wanting nothing more than to hug her, to wipe away all the tears, and make sure she never had to shed another one again.

“I know, I know, it’s ridiculous, but it’s what keeps running through my head.” She reached up and readjusted the messy bun that her hair was falling out of. “But, for the record, I asked you to leave.” JJ raised an eyebrow as she said this, as though he didn’t believe her. The truth was, neither of them really remembered who had dumped who or why he had left in the first place. Nothing happened that they couldn’t work out with a little bit of effort. “Didn’t I?” she faltered.

He shrugged. “I don’t remember.”

“We just fought a lot, didn’t we?”

“Constantly. You were a bitch.”

She turned to him, mouth open. She slapped at his shoulder, “I know you did not just call me a bitch, bitch!”

He smirked at her. “Maybe you weren’t that bad. Apparently, I was a slob.”

“You are a slob,” she chuckled. Then she sighed and moved to heat up her tea. “But that’s no reason to dump someone. We just… fell out of love, I guess.”

“I didn’t.” His voice was so soft he was barely even sure he had spoken. Based on the way Kiara froze, her back tense, he’d definitely said those private thoughts aloud.

She turned slowly, her face pale with lack of sleep and - something else. Was that anger? Or sadness? “You’ve had more than a year to confess something like that to me, and you choose now?”

JJ shrugged helplessly, unsure of what to say.

“That was the issue all along, wasn’t it?” Kiara’s voice shook, but she kept her tone cool, even. “You wouldn’t communicate with me.”

“Oh, come on, Kie, that’s not fair.” It was too late for a fight. They were both tired and emotional. This wouldn’t end well.

“What’s not fair?” Her voice had started to rise in volume and pitch as her anger increased. She wasn’t even sure why she was angry in the first place, but something about JJ’s confession caused her blood to boil. “The fact that you didn’t admit you still loved me when you left over a year ago? Or the fact that you choose to admit that to me while I’m exhausted and emotionally compromised?”

“Don’t be like that! That’s not what I’m doing.” JJ tried to keep his voice lower than hers, so they wouldn’t wake Mike or Anna, but the way her eyes flashed told him that wouldn’t happen. He grabbed her bicep and led her out to the backyard.

“Let go of me!” She pulled away from him, trying to hide the shiver that ran up her spine in the cool November evening air. “You don’t get to manhandle me and manipulate me into falling back into your arms like nothing happened.”

“That’s not-“ JJ ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. “You know I’m shit at communicating this stuff.”

“At saying ‘I love you?’ At being emotionally present? Listen, I know your dad was fucked up and he fucked you up, but you’re a grown-ass man now. You could have learned how to be there for me!”

“Don’t bring him into this!” They’d had this fight a million times before. The recurring theme of their demise being communication. Their fire had been sputtering under the faulty system they had in place long before they realized what their problems were - it was something neither of them wanted to admit. “Fuck it, Kie, even if I had wanted to get any better at communicating, you were no help. You held every single one of my mistakes over my head. There was no road to redemption for you.”

“No, no that’s not true. I tried to help you-“

“Only telling me what I did wrong wasn’t helpful.”

She opened her mouth and closed it again, stuttering in anger. “Well… if you still loved me so much, why did you leave?”

“Why stay when I knew you didn’t love me anymore?” JJ’s voice dropped and he avoided eye contact with her. 

Her eyes grew wide in realization. “You know what? Fuck you! I loved you until the day you left. If I had known you weren’t coming back I would have fought harder to keep you with me, and if you’re too dense to see-” He cut her words off, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her roughly. She melted into him, a single tear squeezing itself from her eye. He tasted of a coconut flavored vape pod and nicotine and the sea. He was just as stupid and lovely as ever. It only lasted a moment before she shoved at his chest, clearing her throat and turning from him to hide the blush rising to her cheeks. 

“I’m… I’m seeing someone,” she muttered by way of explanation.

“Oh.” JJ licked his lips, missing her more than he had before he kissed her. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know. Who is it? Why aren’t they here?” He hadn’t meant to add that last part, but he was curious. Who could she be seeing that wouldn’t support her during all of this? Who could she want to be with that wasn’t there, like he was?

“Um, her name’s Fern. I asked her not to come. I didn’t want her to meet my dad this way.” She started to walk toward the door, wrapping her arms around herself in the cold November evening air. 

“Kie,” JJ called after her. She turned slightly, to catch his eye out of the corner of her own. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything… I fucked a lot of things up. And I’m sorry about your dad.”

She nodded. “Me too.” With everything, she added mentally, and he knew she had.

Kiara and JJ wordlessly promised each other that they wouldn't let their differences ruin the upcoming holidays. So Thanksgiving passed uneventfully. It was almost a normal Carrera family holiday, besides the fact that Anna and JJ did most of the cooking. Mike tried once or twice to wander into the kitchen, but he didn’t make it long before having to sit back down. Kiara made him comfortable on the couch and they watched what little football was playing. She was sure to commentate on each play alongside him. The four of them ate extreme amounts of food, and laughed and played games. “Tomorrow we go get our Christmas tree,” Mike announced at the end of the night. Kiara bit her lip and glanced at JJ. He shrugged half-heartedly.

“That’s right, baby,” Anna replied, looking meaningfully at the others. 

And they did. They didn’t travel to the mountains, like other years, but they did go down to the local tree lot. Kiara made a big fuss about finding the fattest tree and over-scrutinized each one until she found the perfect Christmas tree, just like always. JJ had spent holidays with the Carrera’s before, but he had never been so intimately involved in all of their traditions. He thought Christmas might just become his favorite holiday at this rate. 

The weeks leading to Christmas weren’t all smooth sailing. Just a few days after Thanksgiving Mike was confined almost exclusively to a hospital bed in the living room. A nurse moved in a few days after that. He slept fitfully if he slept at all, and most days, the pain (or the pain medication) kept him from interacting with the rest of them. Kie would read to him in the evenings, starting with A Christmas Carol. He fell asleep after only a few paragraphs each time, so it took a long while to get through the story. All four of them watched classic Christmas movie after classic Christmas movie - many of which JJ hadn’t ever seen (to which Anna always replied, “That’s going on our list, then!”). Mike managed to stay awake for the entirety of Elf, his favorite. 

Christmas day was quiet. JJ cooked breakfast for everyone, and Anna gushed about how good his cooking had gotten. They had opted not to exchange gifts this holiday, instead filling their stockings with all their favorite candies and snacks. It had been JJ’s idea, and Kiara thought he might have been a secret genius for suggesting it. In the afternoon, Fern called Kie and they talked for over an hour. JJ thought she looked satisfied when she returned, but nowhere near as happy as one should be when they got off a long conversation with their girlfriend. It was probably just the current circumstances. She didn’t say anything other than, “What’s the next movie, Dad?”

Mike died two days after Christmas. He went in his sleep, which was exactly what he had wanted. No fuss, no doctors trying desperately to save him. Just a good night’s sleep where he peacefully breathed his last. He didn’t look the same as he once had. Cancer had changed him so drastically, his once strong imposing frame a mere shadow of its former glory. But his face was smoothed out, lines of pain, grief, and illness wiped away, leaving simply peace. He could have been asleep, but now he would never wake up. Looking at him, Kiara felt like she was drowning. Like every breath she fought to take just filled her lungs with more and more water. Her dad was her rock, and now she was sinking in a wide, dark ocean. She thought she might never breathe again. 

The funeral was tiny - it was only close family that attended - three days after he passed. The sky was clear and blue and the air was cold, typical North Carolina winter. It had snowed the day before, just a bit, so the ground was frozen and white. It could have been beautiful if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. Anna didn’t cry that day. She said she had cried enough. The snow started falling again that evening, once they got home, and she said that was Mike’s way of telling her he loved her. She loved the snow.  

JJ went back home the day after the New Year. Anna told him to stay as long as he wanted, but he said it was time for him to move on. She understood, hugged him tightly before he went, admonishing him to come around often. He said he would, and promised to help with anything she needed around the house, too. Kiara sat huddled on the front porch in a rocking chair, wrapped in a thick blanket with a cup of hot cocoa as he walked out. “You’re not going to say goodbye?” he teased kindly. 

She looked up at him, her eyes still bloodshot and sorrowful. He wanted to hold her. He wished she had never had to go through any of this. She didn’t deserve it. “I don’t know what to say,” she said. “You’ve done so much for us.”

JJ shook his head. “It was selfish. I thought if I was nearby maybe it wouldn’t happen.”

“It was anything but selfish,” She insisted, standing up and wrapping the blanket tighter around her shoulders. She placed a cold hand on his cheek. “Really, J. We couldn’t have made it through any of this without you.”

JJ might have leaned too deeply into her touch, no matter how cold her hands were. It somehow felt colder when she moved away. He cleared his throat. “So what’re your plans now? Getting back on the road?”

“Not until spring. Mom won’t admit it, but she’s not ready to be alone. She’ll need some help coping. And honestly, I’m not itching to leave.”

“I thought you’d wanna skip out as soon as possible. Doesn’t Fern miss you?”

She squinted her eyes but didn’t say anything in response. “I’ll miss having you around, Maybank.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’ll still be around. I think your mom will institute Sunday dinners or some shit if I don’t come over regularly.”

Kie chuckled. “She really loves you. Dad does - did, too.” Her voice broke slightly.

“I love them, too,” JJ said, honestly. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before picking up his bags and leaving. Kiara caught her breath as his lips brushed her skin, warmth spreading from where he made contact. Her wide eyes stayed glued to his figure as he loaded up his truck and drove away. 

If normal could be achieved after a year like the Carrera women had experienced, they worked their hardest to achieve it. Anna threw herself into caring for the Wreck and it had the best off-season it had had in years. Kiara wrote songs and worked alongside her mother and even took some online classes. Anna did indeed institute Sunday dinners with JJ and he came to as many of them as he could. Life was slow to move forward, but Kie and Anna kept each other afloat, reminding themselves that Mike wouldn’t have wanted them to sit still crying over him. Step by step they picked up the pieces of their lives. 

Things went along this way for a couple months or so. The world was calming down, but not fully quiet yet - when was the world ever quiet? Kiara never thought she could enjoy the quiet slow life that was the Outer Banks during the off-season, but after the year she’d had, she wanted nothing more than simple domesticity. She said as much during one of their Sunday dinners, enticing a knowing smile from her mother and a surprising lack of eye contact from JJ. She cornered him on the back deck when he’d stepped out to smoke. She was grateful they had regained some of the ease their friendship had carried when they were younger. “Okay, what was that all about?”

He chewed on his lip, twisting his cigarette between his fingers. He’d given up weed a while back when they were traveling, out of necessity, but she was secretly glad he’d never taken it up again. “I’m leaving,” he said abruptly. 

“Leaving? Going where?” 

“Not sure yet. My cousin’s gonna watch the shop for me. Travel the states for a bit until it’s safer to leave the country. Then Mexico? Maybe.”

“When will you be back?” 

He shrugged, “Don’t know. Not for a long time.”

“Why?” Her mouth had gone dry and her words had run out. JJ was a die-hard salt-lifer. He might pack up and leave occasionally, but the Outer Banks was home, where he belonged. She thought that no matter where he went, he’d always end up back here. Home. How could he leave now?

He turned to look at her, urgency and honesty shining in his eyes. “I know he was your dad, and I probably don’t have the right to feel this way, but I…” 

“You lost him, too,” she said, understanding.

“Need a change of scenery.” He shrugged again, putting out his cigarette before walking back inside. 

Kiara understood better than most the need to keep moving, the change of scenery a welcome distraction. Traveling alone left a lot of time to think and soul-search. She didn’t peg JJ as the soul-searching type, but grief changed people; he needed time. She could support him in that.

“You’re going with him, right?” Anna asked sternly as she and her daughter washed dishes that evening. JJ had just left. 

“What?” Kiara nearly dropped the plate she was drying. 

“JJ told me all about his plans. Getting out of here for a while will be good for him!” She waved a hand over her shoulder, dismissing Kiara’s shocked expression. “He talks to me, too, you know? Always has.”

Kiara chuckled lightly, “So even though he and I broke up, he never broke up with y’all?”

“You shouldn’t have broken up with him.”

Kiara’s heart stopped for a moment, as she processed what her mother had said. “What do you mean?” She started slowly. “I thought you didn’t approve of me dating someone from the Cut.”

Anna sighed, setting down a half-washed pan. She turned to her daughter. “Your dad and I always wanted what was best for you. We thought that meant college, a solid career, marrying up. But we realized recently that that is never what life’s about.” She reached out and took Kiara’s hands, tears starting to shine in her eyes. “Your dad was from the Cut. When we first got married, we had nothing except each other but being with him was the best decision I ever made. He made me happy. I think I made him happy, too.”

“You definitely made him happy, Mom. But JJ and I fought all the time, we couldn’t sort things out.”

Anna scoffed, “Your dad and I fought, too. Fights happen, but you have to realize you’re not fighting each other, you’re a team fighting the problem. Once you figure that out, you can work through anything.”

Kiara shook her head, but she had a soft smile on her lips. “Mom, I just don’t know.”

Anna smiled, tearfully. “That is what life’s about. Nobody knows! What really matters is who is there to walk with you in the unknown. Who is there for you when you need them? Through the good and the bad. Your dad was that person for me.” She paused and looked at Kiara meaningfully, “So I’ll ask again: are you going with him?”

She shouldn’t, but while considering all of this somehow she felt freer. Her father had just died, she should still be mourning him, and yet she knew that he wouldn’t want her to wallow - she had to pick herself up. You knew this was coming, she heard his voice in her head. She hoped she would never forget what that voice sounded like. You knew I was going. Now that I’m gone, you’re free to live your life again. Live it, Kiara.

JJ finished buying his ticket for the ferry. It was cold out, more snow on its way. He had some time to kill before loading up his truck, but not much. He double-checked the straps on his luggage in the bed of the truck and was just beginning to contemplate how to pass the time when he heard his name being called. He turned to see Kiara running toward him, backpack bouncing wildly on her back. She was all flushed cheeks and shining eyes and curls tumbling around her shoulders. 

“I broke up with Fern,” her words came out in a rush as she drew near him before he could even greet her. “I broke up with her months ago.”

“O-okay,” JJ replied, heart pounding. A million thoughts ran through his mind. He had just seen Kiara, why hadn’t she mentioned it then? Or before then? Why had she come all the way here to tell him that?

“And I’m coming with you,” she continued. 

“What?” JJ wasn’t one to be lost for words, but he couldn’t say anything else. 

“You make me happy. When the world went to shit you were the one person I wanted to know was safe. You were there for me and my whole family in the darkest few months of our lives and you really cared about us. I don’t care that we fought or that we will fight because being with you makes me happier than I ever thought possible.”

If she was going to say anything else, her words were swallowed up when he kissed her, hands cupping her cold cheeks. “I love you,” he said when she pulled back to breathe. “I never stopped. I didn’t know how to fight for you, how to stay, but I’ll do better. I can be better.”

She pressed another kiss to his lips. “Shut up, we’ll figure it out. We can do it right this time.” 

Sometimes things die. It’s a sad cycle. The brightest fires turn cold and gray. But with time, new sparks can settle in that bed of ash. With care a new fire can start, burning brighter than before. So, even though things sometimes die, sometimes those dead things lead to an even more beautiful beginning.

[baepop]

PRIVATE // 1

You meet a captivating stranger whose sudden appearance stirs the unrequited feelings of your best friend.

Word Count: 7.5k

Pairing: Jungkook x You x Jennie

Genre: Slight angst/fluff, slight smut (aka: the buildup)

A/N: Happy pride month bitches! Bisexual fic coming your way!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

Everything about Jennie was as proper as could be. Her shoes never seemed to scuff, not even the pair with the studs that she loved so much; her pleated skirts never dared utter a single wrinkle and if you ever thought to see a hair out of place, even after a session of hot yoga, well…you’d thought wrong. When Jennie first started coming around, you swore she was some park avenue princess with the way she insisted on paying for meals and buying you things without having known each other long. You two had met through a friend of a friend at a mellow house party but never exchanged social media or anything. You just couldn’t see yourself befriending her, preferring instead to focus on your studies for your senior year of college. Making it to these parties occasionally and chatting up strangers for a while was all you really had time for. So it was much to your surprise running into Jennie at a café on campus that you frequented weekday afternoons whenever you didn’t have class or work. She had tapped you on your shoulder then embraced your figure once you turned around to see who was invading your personal space. That day she had on a canary yellow peacoat and her hair smelled of coconut, two things you’d noticed as her arms lingered around your frame for a beat too long. The next day she wore a mauve peacoat that perfectly complimented the blush on her cheeks. Next was periwinkle and then taupe before you finally asked her why she was suddenly such a fan of the coffee on your campus seeing as how she wasn’t a student at the university.

“Well, I…I’m not actually. The coffee here is subpar and don’t even get me started on the tea selection.” You stared at her with a blank expression until she defeatedly sighed and placed her mug on the table. “You didn’t give me your number before you left Yoongi’s party. And when I asked him for it, he refused to give it to me and instead told me I could probably find you here.” You both sat there staring at each other for what seemed like minutes before you gave up, breaking eye contact to sip on your coffee and turn to the next page in your psychology book. At that point you didn’t care why she wanted to befriend you so bad, but you also didn’t care enough to push her away, so you two sat there in comfortable silence as you went over this week’s cognitive dissonance chapter. You figured you had made a good impression at the party and she probably didn’t have much going on to keep herself busy.

It didn’t take long for Jennie to weasel her way into being your best friend despite your callous indifference of her incessant presence in the coffee house. It also wasn’t a coveted title to obtain as you hadn’t been a social butterfly lately. It took a good amount of begging before she convinced you to sign up for yoga classes with her, held on the evenings 4 floors below her penthouse, only a month after she began visiting you on campus. At that point, you hadn’t minded her company so much anymore as you got to know the goofy yet intelligent aspects of her personality that vibed well with your own. If you were being truthful with yourself, you were happy Jennie had managed to become a good friend of yours because things had gotten stale and lonely having only your schoolwork and job to focus on. Still, however, Jennie remained an enigma to you as generally people of her stature didn’t go out of their way to befriend someone like you, especially when you’ve made them work for it. One night, you agreed to go up to her place for a glass of wine after yoga and that’s when all the walls finally came down. The façade of her perfect image came tumbling down as she admitted to feeling immense pressure to be who everyone else thought she was. She also admitted to finally feeling seen that night you two met at Yoongi’s party when you complimented the song she played on the stereo. Everyone was complaining about her music choices being too mellow to dance to but once you had arrived at the party you loved the strum of the guitar you heard as you sipped on your drink and decided to compliment whoever it was that was playing the song. The memory of her babbling into her glass for 45 minutes as her top knot loosened and drooped over her forehead was a warm one that never quite left you. And it was also the same night where you started to finally let her in.

***

“Let’s get pizza.” Jennie looked up from scrolling on her endless Instagram feed at the sound of her stomach rumbling.

Without looking up from your phone, you shook your head no and replied, “Nah, sorry I have to tutor that kid in a bit, remember?” Jennie sucked her teeth and solemnly went back to her phone screen.

“Why did you agree to do that anyway?” she whined childishly.

“You know I could really use the money Jen. A girls got bills.” You sighed as you scrolled past a beautiful pair of boots advertised on your timeline.

“I will literally buy you whatever you want, you know that.” Jennie rolled her eyes as her face settled into a pout while leaning her head into her palm.

“I know, and that’s the problem.” You chuckled bitterly. “I’ve got way too many family members born next month so I need to save up some money for presents. You can come shopping with me if you want.”

“Ugh okay, but I’m not letting you drag me into another thrift shop! Those places give me the heebie-jeebies! Who knows what ---”

The alarm on your phone signaling the tutoring session approaching interrupted Jennie mid-sentence. You shot her an apologetic look as her pout became even more pronounced. “We can get pizza when I’m done. Gotta go for now though! Text ya later.” You swung your bookbag across your shoulder and swiftly entered the elevator that would take you to the main floor. As you descended through all 21 floors, you recalled how uncomfortable it was to hang out at her place in the beginning stages of your budding friendship. Now you’ve gotten so used to the obscure paintings on the walls and expensive decorations that you wondered if it was you who was making space for her eccentricity in your life or if it was her lavish lifestyle that was making way for boring old you. Just then the doors swung open into the hustle and bustle of the lobby, effectively interrupting your train of thought as you blended into the chaos of busy people.

 ***

“Jeon Jungkook?” You bent over to peer at the brown-haired boy who was huddled over his laptop’s screen. This café on campus was one of the less popular ones, which made it easier to assume this boy was your tutee as he was the only one at the café apart from a girl hunched over a table lightly snoring. He peered up at you in a double-take then settled on the screen of his laptop as he ferociously jabbed on the directional keys of the keyboard.

“Yeah, that’s me…are you the…tutor?” His distractedness during your introduction confused you before you glanced at his computer and realized he was in the middle of an online SMITE match. Normally you would be content in waiting for him to finish before you could start the session but the idea of missing out on pizza annoyed you. You decided to close his laptop shut and keep your finger on top of it until he was forced to give you his undivided attention.

“Hi! I’m (Y/N), your English tutor. If you don’t mind, I have plans later so I’d like to get started as soon as possible.” You plastered a wide smile on your face. The boy, too stunned to respond, sat there frozen as you dropped your book bag onto the chair and began taking out a notebook and a pencil.

“Sorry.” You heard him mumble under his breath but pretended not to hear it to avoid an awkward moment. Instead, you smiled at him again and asked exactly what he needed help with. “We’re reading this book in class right now and there’s a book report due next week. The language is really obscure, and I don’t even know how to begin analyzing the context.” You picked up his copy of the book and fanned the worn out pages.

“Well, lucky for you this is one of my favorite books! So I can actually help you a lot with your report.” You handed the book back to him with a smile and wink. Jungkook instantly blushed and chuckled while rubbing the back of his neck.

“Thanks in advance, I have a feeling I’ll be needing a lot of your help.” Jungkook’s quick sweep of your body didn’t go unnoticed but nonetheless, you decided to dive into the tutoring session. It was hard to ignore the butterflies in your stomach throughout as you noticed more and more how boyishly handsome he was and what a nice smile he had. The possibility of him being into you made it harder to concentrate and made you blush when you accidentally had skin to skin contact while taking a paper from his hands. Being flustered was extremely unlike you, but you credited your sudden lameness to your year-long lack of sex. Taking a deep breath gave you a moment of clarity and the resolve to finish the session as professionally as possible.

“So…when can I see you again? For tutoring I mean?” Jungkook tried hard to stay as nonchalant as possible but his crooked smile directed downwards as he packed up his belongings gave it away. During the session you realized he didn’t need much help at all and would most likely only need the one day of tutoring. Nonetheless, you decided to take the bait, but not without making him work for it.

“If you feel the need for more tutoring sessions you can schedule an appointment on the school’s website.” With that, you swiftly zipped up your book bag and headed out of the coffee shop.

***

It only took a couple days to receive Jungkook’s request for a follow-up tutoring session set for Thursday of next week. You chuckled in the bright glow of your computer’s screen that shown brightly in your dark room. When you clicked on the notification to expand the details of his request, you noticed the location preference was set to his dorm room. Your light chuckle turned into a breathy laugh. This kid had balls, you had to admit. You kept waiting for his cheekiness to rub you the wrong way sober you up but the more signs he showed of interest the more you were inclined to entertain them. It wasn’t like you to let the other person take charge in your relationship, preferring instead to be completely transparent from the beginning and taking joy in asking the other out. You didn’t care much for games and titles but the one of “dominant” given to you by your freshman year friends was not lost on you. You, instead, chose to embrace it and accept that your ‘take charge’ attitude would turn off undesirable suitors and attract the kind of people you could actually be with. You leaned back in your chair and sipped on your tea before hitting the “accept” button and shutting off your computer.

That night you tried to fall asleep but too many thoughts of your upcoming graduation, approaching due dates for schoolwork and a very cute brunette junior kept you up until dusk. Just when you finally started to drift off to sleep, you felt a soft dip in the bed that instantly woke you.

“Sorry, sorry...” Jennie whispered as she got under the covers. You looked at her incredulously before she responded again, “I couldn’t sleep and your bed is comfy. Also, you left your keys attached to the door again. You should really be more careful (Y/N).” You hummed in agreement, too tired to address her forced entry into your apartment and settling to be big spoon for the night.

The obnoxious sounds of your phone’s alarm awoke both of you with a start. Jennie grumbled and pressed a pillow to her ears. “It is an ungodly hour to be awake! Turn it off!” You immediately grabbed your phone and hopped out of bed to start getting ready for work. “What are you doing?” Jennie rubbed her eyes and squinted at you through the golden morning rays shining through the discombobulated shutters on your bedroom window.

“I have work in an hour. We can’t all be sleeping princesses until noon.” You stuck your tongue out at her before beginning to brush your teeth. Jennie rolled her eyes and went back to bed. She was already long used to your poking fun at her lazy and rich lifestyle, choosing to simply ignore your quips.

You managed to get ready at a record-breaking speed of 20 minutes. As you slipped the last shoe on, you peered at Jennie whose body lay impossibly still under the covers with her shiny black hair spilling out onto your pillow like plant roots. You decided to tip toe over to check if she was already sleeping. You didn’t want to wake her, so you settled for moving her bangs out of her eyes and whispering “I’ll see you after work” before heading out for the day. You could’ve sworn you noticed her blushing but figured it was all in your imagination.

 ***

Working at the boutique wasn’t your favorite thing in the world but the pay was decent. You had started working there your sophomore year after seeing a “help wanted” ad in the window of a small men’s formal suiting shop. You were at the downtown fashion district with your usual group of freshman year friends killing time and decided there wasn’t any harm in filling out an application at the counter. The job had looked easy enough, but after getting hired you soon learned differently. You realized just how difficult it was to take charge of older men in conversations about men’s suiting, and even more so dressing them. It took a lot of guts and studying men’s fashion before you grew into your own at the shop. The effort you started putting into your job along with increasingly difficult classes had you falling out of contact with those same friends. You had to admit that the thought of growing apart from your friends was much less painful than you thought it might be freshman year. Your likes and goals were entirely different by now, but most importantly, you were becoming someone you liked and respected.

That afternoon after leaving Jennie in your bed, you found yourself focusing on steaming the leg on a pair of gray linen pants when suddenly you heard the bell at the top of the entrance ring signaling a customer entering the store. You immediately turned off the steamer and rushed to the counter to greet them only to be dumbstruck at the sight in front of you. Jungkook and an older man entered the store amidst conversation. Your utter confusion rendered you speechless as they looked around the store for help.

“Ah, young lady, do you work here?” The older man addressed you kindly across the store.

You looked between him and Jungkook for a moment before your professionalism kicked in. “Yes! Hi, sorry! I was busy steaming and didn’t see you guys. Welcome to Suits 4 U, how can I assist you guys today?” You kept your eyes trained on the older gentleman but didn’t miss how Jungkook’s mouth hung open the entire time. Did he know you worked there before showing up or was it just a mere coincidence? Either way, the excitement of seeing him unexpectedly before your tutoring session gave you a tiny thrill masked under your polite smile.

“Well, I’m here with my son to get him fitted for his first suit. He has an internship coming up this summer at a finance company and we need him to look his best.” The man chuckled while patting Jungkook’s shoulder. His eyes formed crescent moons while smiling which instantly disarmed you. “Is Raphael here? I’ve been coming to him for years; this shop is just great.”

You laughed and tucked some hair behind your ear. “Thank you so much! He’s not in right now but, I can help you out myself if that’s okay. Your son looks to be about a 32 waist and 34 inseams?” The older man nodded in astonishment and looked towards Jungkook to confirm.

“Uh…yeah that’s exactly right.” Jungkook rubbed his neck in embarrassment.

“Don’t be shy, kook! You let the nice lady fit you for a good suit and I’ll be right here if you need me.” You and the man exchanged smiles before walking around the counter to show Jungkook to the fitting area behind the curtains. You helped him up onto the platform in front of 3 adjacent mirrors before busying yourself looking for a style of suit in his sizes that would flatter him.

Jungkook cleared his throat before speaking, “So…I didn’t know you had two jobs. Must be rough during your senior year.”

Without missing a beat, you responded, “How did you know I was a senior?”

“You mentioned it in your Facebook status.” Jungkook quickly replied with a straight face.

“So, you stalked me?” You laughed incredulously.

“More like researched. You’re a pretty private person so I didn’t find much if that makes you feel better.” Jungkook smiled widely which made you instinctively blush. Too flustered to respond you simply handed him a white button-down shirt. He immediately removed his plain black t-shirt and began buttoning the white one at an incredibly slow pace. You caught his eyes in the center mirror and realized he saw you ogling at his pecks. You immediately turned around as he continued watching you through the mirror with a shit-eating grin.

“Here, put these on.” You handed him a matching black chino suit with a European tailoring finish. Jungkook hadn’t stopped staring at you as he removed his pants and dressed himself. You were determined not to swoon at his gorgeous physique in front of him, choosing instead to jut your hip out and cross your arms while tapping your foot. “You take forever to get dressed.”

“I could use your help.”

“With?”

“Tucking my shirt in, I don’t want to wrinkle it.”

You scoffed and proceeded to gingerly tuck his shirt around his waist. You didn’t miss the way his abs reflexively twitched as your hands got to the front of his pants. He put the blazer on at once then adjusted his cuffs in the mirror. You had to admit that the way the pants tapered in on his ankles and how the blazer did the same around his waist was very flattering. You absent-mindedly brushed lint off his shoulder and brushed out the wrinkles on the arms while admiring your work in the mirror. As your eyes made their way up his frame you caught his cocky ass grin again which only made you roll your eyes. “What now, Jeon? What is so funny to you?”

“Just admit you’re into me.” You froze for a second before responding.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, you heard me pretty well. I think that you’re into me and the way you act all tough in front of me really turns me on, so I’d like to take you out on a date sometime.”

Before you could reply, Jungkook’s dad appeared from behind the curtains and whistled at the sight of his son in a tailored suit. “Wow, that looks really good. If you’re okay with it Kook I think we’ll take it!”

“I don’t know dad, what do you think (Y/N)? Does this look good on me?” Jungkook bit his bottom lip, looking you in the eyes and daring you to confirm his beliefs. The audacity this guy had to call you out had you at a loss for words for the second time tonight. You settled for nodding and smiling.

You decided to wait behind the counter for Jungkook to undress, making small talk with his dad to pass the time. His love for his son was evident in the way he spoke so highly of him to a mere stranger. The thought warmed your heart. In a matter of 5 minutes, you were waving them both out of the door with Jungkook’s new suit in a garment bag. The remainder of your shift went by painfully slow without the silky haired boy entertaining you. You briefly considered canceling your upcoming tutoring session since it was evident the professionalism between you two was shot after this afternoon. But who were you kidding? There was no way you were going to let him get the better of you, it just wasn’t in you to submit.

 ***

You snapped out of your reverie at the feeling of a piece of popcorn bouncing off your cheek. As you turned your head to look at Jennie, several popcorn pieces fell out of your hair and onto the shaggy white rug you were sitting Indian style on. It was movie night at Jennie’s apartment, but the foreign film wasn’t captivating your interest, not when you had Jeon’s abs on your mind.

“Hey what gives?!” You started to flick pieces of popcorn back at Jennie as you found them in the carpet. She giggled while swatting them away from her face.

“Watching this movie was YOUR idea and you’re not even paying attention! You’ve been all daydreamy lately. Are you going to tell me what’s up or not?” Jennie set her bowl of popcorn aside and crossed her arms, giving you a pointed look. When it comes to Jennie, there is no escape once the interrogation starts. This wouldn’t be the first time you were under fire for withholding information from her. Despite preferring to be a private person, you never minded being completely transparent with Jennie. With time, you came to understand how loyal and trustworthy she was. Being left in the dark was just something that always bothered her, which you could understand. You sighed as you turned away from the television to face her.

“You know that guy I tutored the other day?”

“Yea?”

“I kinda want to fuck him.” Jennie froze for a second as she searched for something in your eyes.

“Okay…um…well, does he reciprocate your feelings?’

“I think he’s made it pretty obvious yeah. I just don’t know though, I’ve never been into younger guys but he’s…really hot.” You laughed as a blush overtook your cheeks. Your admission embarrassed you, even in front of your best friend. Jennie bit her lip as she laid horizontally on the couch staring at the ceiling.

“Do you have a picture of him?”

“Hmm…I can show you his Instagram.” Admitting you already perused his social media made you further embarrassed. “Before you judge me, it’s been a really long time, okay?” You scrolled on his page for a bit before finding a good enough picture of him to show her then reluctantly handed your phone over. After analyzing the selfie of him on his bed, Jennie went back to his page and started looking at other pictures of him: ones of him in his baseball uniform, laughing on a couch with a few of his friends, dancing in a goofy manner to some pop song and the list goes on. After a minute, she rolled her eyes and handed the phone back to you. Her reaction had you quirking an eyebrow as you grabbed it from her hands. “…What?”

“Oh, nothing.” Jennie closed her eyes and intertwined her hands over here stomach, intent on not giving anything away. You lunged at her sides to unleash a flurry of tickles.

“Tell me, wench!” Your consistent tickling had her hollering at the top of her lungs and squirming to escape your grip.

“I’ll never say, peasant!” You decided to straddle her midsection and pin her flailing legs down,  holding her wrists to do the same.

“Jennie Ruby Jane. Tell me, NOW!” Your long brown hair fell over your shoulder and tickled her cheek. She turned her head to the side as a final act of rebellion which only spurred your torturing on further. You began to hock a loogie dramatically which earned a valley of squeals from the pale girl.

“Okay! Okay!” You chuckled at the sign of her defeat and sat back on her hips, letting her wrists go. She sat up on her forearms pouting up at you. “You’re so extra!” the girl shouted with amusement in her eyes. After a moment of silence, she spoke, “I just think he looks like a fuck boy. It’s not going to go anywhere between you guys.” You let out a breathy laugh at her admission.

“No shit, I just want some dick!”

“Then why are you getting blushy and daydreamy if he’s only a dick to you?” She challenged you.

“Ummmm, maybe because it’s been a while and it’s nice to get some male attention during these barren times?” You rolled your eyes and climbed off of her.

“Yeah, whatever (Y/N). Keep telling yourself that.” Jennie returned your eye roll with her own and fully sat up on the couch.

“Are we going to watch this movie or not!? You’re making it hard to focus!” You continued on with your dramatic act but failed as a smiled tugged at your lips.

“OMG, you are unbelievable!” Both of you laughed and resumed your movie, only one of you being content to put that conversation behind.

***

Your Thursday afternoon shift at work dragged on because of how much you were looking forward to the tutoring session with Jungkook set for right after. Your finger drumming on the front counter and persistent glances at the clock earned some questions from the shop owner which you easily shrugged off as some trip you were looking forward to after work. As soon as the clock struck six you grabbed your jean jacket off of the coat rack and caught the shuttle back to campus. The junior dorms were just a stop before the coffee shop stop, so you already knew where you were going. You decided to just wear your work clothes paired with a denim jacket since the tight-fitting black dresses you wore as a work uniform were nice anyway. Just before you arrived at the lobby of the dorms, you caught your reflection in a car window and decided to check how you looked. Nothing unusual stood out. Your long curly hair swung just above your behind and your mascara and eyebrow gel still held on strong, the only two things you allowed on your face since the number of times you rubbed your face during class made it virtually unrealistic to wear a full face of makeup. Because of that, you settled for wearing shorter clothing that would show off your long legs. Feeling sexy in your own skin without putting way too much effort into your image was something you learned was the perfect combination to feeling happy with yourself, which was hard to do as you were generally always the tallest woman in the room. It took a long time to build self-confidence, but you were happy with where you currently were in your life. With a deep breath to calm your excitement, you headed into the lobby where Jungkook was already waiting for you. He looked up from his phone and immediately spotted you entering the building. His eyes lingered on your legs covered in sheer black tights before meeting your eyes with his own dark orbs. You felt butterflies at the instant your gazes locked and held for a few seconds. You decided to breakaway first, looking down with a small smile and waving.

“Hey, Jungkook. You ready to study?” Jungkook simpered as he looked down towards his feet with his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah I am, but it looks like you aren’t. Where’s your book bag and why are you dressed like that?” He gestured towards your subtle cleavage. You crossed your arms and gaped at him, confused as to why he was questioning you instead of complimenting you. Jungkook watched your mouth open and close before he chuckled and began heading towards his room. Luckily his room was on the first floor so there wouldn’t be an awkward elevator ride. As you walked behind him you pressed your cold hands onto your hot blushing cheeks wondering if you misread this whole situation. “Thanks for agreeing to come to the dorms this time. This was the only time I was free to get tutored, but I couldn’t leave the dorms tonight. I hope it didn’t make you uncomfortable.” His words made you all the more confused. Surely he didn’t feel the need to pretend this was anything other than a hookup, especially since he had already gotten you to come without much of a chase? You didn’t understand what he meant until he unlocked the door to his suite and a small child bombarded his legs, clinging on for dear life.

“Kookie! Kookie! You took forever!” Jungkook smiled and patted the child’s head before picking him up so you could enter into the suite.

“I was only gone a few minutes! Anyways, what do you say to a pretty lady?” Jungkook laughed as the small boy buried his head into the crook of his neck with shyness.

“…Hewwo…” You smiled at the child and greeted him back before looking up at Jungkook in utter confusion.

“I’m babysitting for my parents tonight while they celebrate their 20th anniversary. This is my little brother, Sammy. He’s a real good kid and agreed to quietly color in his coloring book while I study, right bud?” The young boy nodded without looking up at him, clearly displeased to have a stranger take his big brother’s attention away. You smiled sweetly at Jungkook to show him everything was okay with you. It was only after he placed his brother on the floor in front of his crayons that crippling embarrassment settled red and hot behind your face and prickled at your scalp. You had misread the situation after all, and even worse, assumed Jungkook was just some fuck boy looking to fake being serious about his studies in order to fuck tutor girls. He wouldn’t have been the first one you ran into, but it was now clear that you shouldn’t have lumped him into the same category. Swallowing your pride and shame, you placed your jacket on the back of his chair and pulled another one up to the desk to start the session. For about an hour, you helped Jungkook finalize his book report and put the finishing touches on his powerpoint presentation about his report. Once you both looked out of the window and saw how late it was getting, you decided to wrap things up. Turning to Sammy who was busy passionately coloring an orange elephant, you smiled and squatted near the page.

“Ready to spend some time with Kookie, Sammy? You looked up at Jungkook and winked, appreciating the way that the nickname coming from you flustered Jungkook. The young boy looked up from his art and nodded.

“Bye-bye! Um…”

“(Y/N), how do you do.” You talked in a funny voice that made Sammy giggle. Standing up and stretching your arms once more, you looked towards Jungkook who held your jacket for you to take. “Thanks. So…good luck with your presentation.” You kicked yourself at the lame way you chose to say goodbye but decided it was best to cut your losses and avoid further embarrassment.

“Thanks, I’ll walk you out.” Both of you headed out into the hallway and walked slowly towards the lobby in silence. After a few long moments, Jungkook finally broke the quiet, “So about that date…. What do you say?” You turned to him in disbelief before looking back down at your shoes. You had thought when he asked you on a date back at the shop that it was his way of getting you into bed. Once again you felt shame for being such a pessimistic pervert.

“I didn’t know you were serious about that.” You admitted.

“Yeah, I figured with the way you showed up to our study session.” Jungkook laughed as he playfully pulled on the hem of your dress so that it slapped your thigh when he let go. You pouted and stared straight ahead, unable to defend yourself. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d have loved to show you a good time tonight, but that’s not really my style. Especially with intellectual women. I want to show you a different kind of good time, at least at first. You turned toward his face in time to catch him biting his bottom lip. It was as if his mouth had a direct connection to your lower abdomen, feeling that magnetic pull between you two that you couldn’t shake. Part of you felt relieved to know it wasn’t all in your head, and the other part of you was determined to redeem yourself.

As you opened the door to the outside, you paused and swung your hair over your shoulder to look at him briefly. “Pick me up this weekend. I want to go see that new DC movie, you can take me to the movies and then we’ll get ice cream. DM me on Instagram so we can agree on a time.” With that, you closed the door behind you and headed towards the shuttle stop, content with yourself for not sneaking a peak behind you. When did you become so lame in front of guys? You idly wondered about the effects that lack of sex could have on the psyche of woman the entire shuttle ride towards your apartment.

***

You woke up to the thin rays of sunlight peering through the drawn blinds of your bedroom window. They illuminated Jennie’s face with a healthy golden glow, showcasing the subtle rhythmic movement of her chest as she slept. You felt a wave of affection at the thought of her being extra careful last night getting into your bed so as not to wake you. You idly wondered why she preferred to share this bed with you when she had a big beautiful canopy bed at her even more beautiful apartment. Then again, you remembered how lonely she must have felt when moving here without friends or family. You cuddled closer to her as the big spoon, wrapping your right arm around her torso and pulling her into your chest. The slight movement woke Jennie for a few seconds before she hugged your arm tightly and went back to sleep, taking you into unconsciousness with her.

You awoke a few hours later, well into the afternoon in the same position you had fallen asleep in only this time, Jennie’s snoring was loud enough to quake the glass of water on your nightstand. Your raspy chuckle was barely audible as you stared at her mouth that hung open while she violently slept. Careful so as not to wake her, you gingerly slid your arm out of her grasp and pulled the covers off of your bodies since the heat was making you a little sweaty. Your eyes bulged while taking in the view south of the bed. Jennie had taken her pants off before climbing into bed and was only sporting a bright red G-string. You forced yourself to look anywhere other than her perfect bottom until your heart stopped beating as fast as it was. What the hell, Jennie? You cursed yourself for giving her a key to your apartment after her initial forced entry. The lack of sex is really getting to you, you thought as you carefully covered her back up and climbed out of bed. Suddenly, you heard the snoring stop and a few light moans coming from the bed.

“Where’d you go?”, Jennie softly called out as she rubbed her eyes.

“In the bathroom!” You reply as best you can while brushing your teeth. Jennie groans then rolls over, pulling the covers on her further.

“Come back…”

“Sorry, I overslept enough as it is. I have some stuff I need to get done before my date tonight!” You replied in a sing-song voice before spitting the foam out of your mouth and rinsing your toothbrush in the sink.

“Your WHAT!?”, Jennie immediately sat up and ripped the covers off of her.

“Yeah, sorry I totally forgot to update you. I didn’t end up fucking that guy. Instead, he asked me out on a date! I’m actually excited to go, I feel like such a freshman.” Your giddy mood seemed to frustrate Jennie even more. She quietly got out of bed, pulled her pants on, grabbed her purse from your nightstand and left your apartment.

“Jennie?!” You called after her but the only thing you got in response was your door slamming loudly. You sucked your teeth and continued washing your face. You didn’t know why she was in such a bad mood. Sure, you didn’t tell her about how things progressed with Jungkook but it wasn’t exactly her business. This is why I haven’t dated any girls on campus recently, girls can be so moody sometimes. You took a deep breath and headed into your room to get changed, determined not to let Jennie’s childishness ruin your day.

***

Your date with Jungkook had been going well so far. He picked you up from your apartment 5 minutes early on foot. You two walked to the shuttle stop in silence since there really wasn’t much to talk about. You two had only just met and didn’t know much about each other or shared any experiences yet. You hated first dates for this reason, preferring instead to just hook up without the need to feign a relationship or only date someone you’re already friends with. You had gotten good at small talk since working at the suit shop had you conversing with all kinds of people regularly. But it still wasn’t thrilling nor any less awkward. Once you both had exhausted all the commonplace questions like “How was your day” and “What’s your favorite color”, you both sat on the shuttle on the way to the campus’ cinema in silence. Why had you agreed to this? You were really off your game at this point in time. You looked over at Jungkook and noticed him staring off into the distance looking quite alarmed. His pensive face made you giggle which snapped him out of his reverie.

“What?” He looked at you with a half-smile confused.

“Your face…you looked so…shook!” You let out in between laughs. His cheeks became tinted pink with an exasperated gasp.

“Not you too! My teammates make fun of me for it all the time! Ugh!” Jungkook complained with exaggerated exclamation. His eyes sparkled with amusement as he began tickling your sides for not taking him seriously. The guffaw that followed was obnoxious enough to catch the attention of surrounding students riding the shuttle. It was at that moment that Jungkook realized how ticklish you were, to his elation and your immediate embarrassment. You both settled into your seats immediately after meeting the eyes of annoyed riders but couldn’t contain your giggles and light shoving for the rest of the ride. Eventually, after sufficient physical contact, you two ended up walking off of the shuttle holding hands.

***

Jungkook’s lips ravaged your neck as you struggled to open the door to your apartment, fumbling your key on the lock. You eventually did open it and the door slammed backward into the adjacent wall as Jungkook reached your lips and leaned into you, holding you by the hips. Your hunger to taste him had been contagious as you had taken the opportunity that the light ‘goodnight’ peck he gave you on the lips in front of your apartment presented to start a make-out session. There was no way you would let it end that way after wanting him the entire date. He had been a perfect gentleman, waiting in line to get you a bunch of snacks at the concession stand while you held your seats, draping his jacket over your shoulders once the chill of the night set in, and bringing you all the way to your apartment even though it was past the junior dorms. And now, as he tugged on your bottom lip with his teeth while his hands held both sides of your face in the middle of your apartment, you were absolutely sure you wanted to go all the way with Jeon Jungkook. You slowly lead Jungkook to your bedroom without detaching your lips. Once his legs made contact with your bed you pushed him back onto it and climbed on top of him. You began kissing down his neck as your arms made a cage around his head. With his eyes closed and sporting a cocky smile, “Woah there (Y/N), aren’t we taking things a bit too fast?” A throaty chuckle escaped his lips as you reached his Adam's apple.

“Shut up, Jeon.” You moved back up to his lips and stuck your tongue into his mouth which he welcomed, swirling his tongue around yours in equal fervor. His fingers slid up into your hair and tightened their grip on your strands, pulling lightly but firmly so that your head moved backward, giving him access to your neck. As he sucked on your neck, you could feel a bulge forming in his pants. You decided to rub your clothed mound on his growing bulge while he kissed behind your ear.

“Don’t do that.” Jungkook let out a breathy whisper into your ear which made tingles run down your spine and had you heavily convulsing. You decided to rub even harder down onto his clothed member which was now rock hard. However, you couldn’t keep it up for too long as Jungkook was suddenly on top of you in one swift motion.

“You don’t like to listen, do you?” He stared at your lips as he interlocked your fingers together, holding your hands above your head on the bed.

“Not really, no” Your breathy reply brought back that crooked smile you were starting to love so much. In response, Jungkook lowered himself onto you and began rubbing the head of his bulge right around where your clit would be under your pants. You couldn’t help but writhe under him, struggling against his ironclad grip on your hands.

“You’ll get this…”, Jungkook bucked his hips roughly onto your mound, “…when I say you can.” You took his attempt to dominate you as a challenge, wrapping your legs around his waist to bring his member back onto you while biting your lip. Jungkook’s eyes rolled backward in brief pleasure before attacking your lips again with renewed passion. After a while, you were both breathless with puffy lips. Jungkook cleared his throat and moved back to look into your eyes. You both let out laughs as your chests heaved in unison. Jungkook looked down at your swollen lips and ran his thumbs across them before rolling over and climbing off of you. “I should go.” Too stunned to say anything, you watched him straighten his clothing and wipe his mouth.

“Ummm…did I do something wrong?” You asked as you sat up to look at him properly. Jungkook smiled and walked back over to the bed, bending over to place a brief kiss on your pink lips.

“Of course not, just practicing a little restraint. I want to do things right.” He smiled with crescent moon eyes before turning and exiting your apartment.

Do things, right?

You let out an exasperated sigh and sagged back onto the bed with one arm covering your eyes in frustration. Suddenly you heard something shift in your room which made you sit back up in alarm.

“Jungkook?” You searched your room for the source of the noise before your eyes locked with another pair of eyes peering through the slits of your closet door. You froze in utter fear as you realized someone was in your closet. Suddenly, the door opened and you screamed, chucking a pillow at the intruder because it was the closest thing to you. Jennie caught the pillow and held it to her chest, watching you warily.

“Hey (Y/N)…”

“Jennie!?”

“I can explain.”

“YOU PERVERT!!!!!!”

[destiny-smasher]

Kingdom Hearts 3 impressions

So, uh, I will ONLY be talking about stuff up until the very start of the second World, and only AFTER the break. Kingdom Hearts 1 was an incredibly important and influential piece of media when I was growing up. I was writing fic based on Smash Bros. just before KH rolled onto the scene was like, “Yo, Disney and Final Fantasy, BAM, fuckin’ random? fucking RADDDD” and I was all about it. You had FF characters remixed with OCs remixed with Disney characters, and the villains were all crossing over to form the League of Bad Cartoons, it was a great time. And then Nomura realized his gamble was a win and decided to waste the next 15 years of everyone’s time shoving in every trope he liked, every IDEA that felt “cool” together into a mish mash of whatever the hell this “narrative” has become. Suffice it to say, I’ve got beef with Kingdom Hearts as a “story.” It just occurred to me today that a big part of this is thematic/tonal.

But it’s also VERY rare, maybe even unprecedented, for a piece of media like Kingdom Hearts 3 to come around. For years, then months, then weeks, then days, I told myself, “It’s not real, that game doesn’t exist, I won’t believe it until I’m literally playing it” and just could not be bothered to be hype or interested, if only because Nomura’s “vision”, from my perspective, warped something I admired in my youth into a fucking train wreck, leaving me very little to feel emotionally invested in outside of Aqua and by proxy the two lads she is trying to protect. (also I GUESS I’m slightly invested in Axel/Xion/Roxas.../Namine? for similar reasons now that I think about it?) Well, guess what? Kingdom Hearts VERY WELL might be real, and I very well might be about three hours into it. And for all of the beef I have with the plot, I am fucking relieved that those three hours have felt/sounded good, as a video game. NOW we’re gonna talk about the first World. --

When I first heard that Olympus was gonna be the first World in KH3 I was disappointed and BAFFLED. We’re visiting that place a THIRD time? And why THAT World? Turns out, there’s actually some substantial thematic relevance and that’s actually A-OK, not to mention that starting with a familiar world after ALL OF THIS TIME is not such a bad way to kick things off. First off, structurally, I actually really enjoyed the way this world played out. Two of my biggest problems with KH as a video game series have been that worlds feel like empty, vacant, haunted houses, and that said worlds are usually small and linear with a lot of pointless backtracking. Olympus fixes all of this. There are NPCs. Actual fucking PEOPLE in this world. Sure, they’re just people in danger, calling for help, but they’re THERE for once! And they have vocies! EVERY line of dialogue (except for like one “plot” moment) has actually been voiced so far! About time. Also. This World is not as linear as most KH Worlds. In fact, it help more open and dynamic than ANY World in any KH game so far, not to mention it featured three, THREE (wtf) unique and distinct types of settings. The city, the mountain, and Olympus. Nice. ALSO also. The music. We’ve been here before. We KNOW that Olympus theme from earlier games. And as you traverse the city, up the mountain, you hear this more sweeping, movie-like version, and it’s like “oh whoa nice” aaaaand then you get TO Olympus and it KICKS in, the old song, up to modern snuff. That was great. That was a thing that really helped convey “Kingdom Hearts is back, baby.” The World was big, compared to typical KH worlds. It had multiple nooks and crannies to explore, side-paths to go down, treasure to find hidden away. There is a LOT of verticality. Running up walls and seamlessly hopping over things in the environment makes traversal more enjoyable than it ever has been. Even though a lot of the World is technically a linear path it’s not structured like a path. Going off and exploring rewards you with items and the like, and the World is big enough to actually feel like you have places to poke around in. Having said this, WHY is there no...map? Like. You literally COLLECT Maps from Chests like you used to. But near as I can tell, there’s no way to pull up an actual MAP, to seer where the main path is, to see where the side paths are. It’s boggling. Maybe the game has the option hidden away somewhere but if so, that’s just silly. And if there’s just no actual map option at ALL that’s just...baffling. There were barely any load times for how much SPACE there was to navigate, and things looked very shiny and pretty, and ran at a smooth 60 fps MOST of the time. Tech specs aren’t everything, but when your brand is built on “looking pretty” it sure af helps when you bring scale AND a smooth framerate to match. It’s weird, and a bit jarring, sometimes in a good way, to see all of this stuff rendered in modern tech. Stuff looks...a little too plasticy a lot of the time, (which actually ought to pay off when we get to Toy Story?) but the environments so far feel rich and vast and detailed all at once in a way we just have never seen the series, because we’re basically jumping from PS2-level tech to PS4. So that difference in production is more noticeable for the wait -- I just wish things looked a bit more...I guess cel-shaded? Like the original trailer. Things (specifically, characters) look a little too flat/plasticy at times, for how pretty things are. Combat seems to be as flashy as ever and I’m sure I’ll feel differently as I get further in and unlock more options but it’s still too easy, simple, and mashy for my tastes. I am HOPING we get more moments that require quick reflexes and specific tactics like the harder moments of older KH games. The amusement rides mechanic is...weird. It’s given NO context in universe. And they last a little too long/feel too overpowered for how easy they are to utilize. Similarly, there are frequently seemingly random party-member tag-team attacks that...just seem like “press triangle to win” moves. I wish they entailed more interaction, and/or felt less common/random. I like the IDEA of these kinds of moves, especially ones that change your controls/method of attack for a few seconds (like Hercules’ team attack) but the execution makes them feel too cheap and easy to abuse, with combat that’s ALREADY skewing on the “too easy” side for the genre. I like the “form change” for keyblades, and that you can swap keyblades in the middle of a fight. Really hoping this allows for some good tactical stuff later -- buuuuut that would also require the game to ASK OF ME to do more than “mash X,” which KH as a brand typically does not do... Characters SPEAK in reaction to gameplay moments, when you initiate things in the environment, etc. It’s a nice touch that makes them feel more like characters in an RPG. Donald and Goofy are ALWAYS in the party, alongside the Disney member(s). NICE. Maybe KH3 is putting its best foot forward, but overall, I was pleasantly surprised with Olympus. It single-handedly corrected MOST of the issues I’ve ever had with Kingdom Hearts level design. I only hope the momentum keeps going. Moving on, Gummi Ships. What little I played is easily the best they have every been. I love having an open world with optional places/fights to explore, while still giving me those shmup-like bursts of action. The Gummi Phone seems like a fun mechanic, and taking selfies/photos makes SENSE for this game because of how visually detailed it is -- but the pleasant surprise was how I took selfies with Donald and Goofy and they REACTED to it, starting to pose and commenting on it. On the other hand, the loading screen being nonsensical “social media” posts from KH characters...I don’t like it thanks go away. x’D I’ve spent only a few minutes in Twilight Town and INSTANTLY I am so much more enamored than I ever was in previous games. Not just due to the bump up in visual fidelity, but also because -- GASP -- NPCs??? Are you trying to tell me this is an actual TOWN that people LIVE IN?? Holy shit, Kingdom Hearts, I never knew! For all of this stuff I liked, though, KH3 is still...a KH game. Which means after you get through the intro, after you gear up to land in Olympus, the game flashes the title: “Kingdom Hearts II.9″ ...no. Just no. Fuck. Stop doing this shit. Whenever an Organization 13 member (or EX member) shows up and starts speaking all cocky in riddles like the flamboyant anime jackass they are, whenever Mickey starts dead-ass blathering about weird nonsense whenever the plot HAS to acknowledge “oh right Sora golly gawrsh ya FURRGOT this random bullshit a-FYUCK better shove this expository throwaway dialogue right in here before we go n’ furrget again!” whenever Kairi continues to be irrelevant and invisible after ALL THIS TIME whenever Rikku has to say some obligatory thing about his darkness or his copy of himself or Ansem or whatever whenever the plot informs Sorta/Dornold/Goffy about another convoluted ridiculous THING that we already know about and they MAYBE already know about because it is OBLIGATED to because this game’s entire purpose has become to “wrap things up already Nomura” I am reminded of the freshly opened scar on my heart from how much SHIT this series has dragged itself through for...what? Nothing worth all of this, IMO. Thankfully, these moments feel less and less pressing in KH3′s opening hours than they certainly could be, though I’m sure the closing hours of the game -- once they’ve tidily gotten all of that silly, inconsequential DISNEY CONTENT out of the way (even though that’s the BULK of the game environments and HALF of the series’ identity/purpose) -- those closing hours will surely be packed to the gills with all of this crazy crap. Maybe by then I might finally care enough to finally get the catharsis I’ve waited over a decade for. I dunno. I’m just relieved the game looks, plays, sounds, and feels as good as it does so far. EDIT: almost forgot to mention this since it hasn’t actually come up yet BUT I picked up a BUNCH of “ingredients”??? Like. FOR COOKING??? Which is one of my all-time favorite mechanics in a video game?? (thanks Paper Mario) So I’m at LEAST excited to see what THAT is all about.

[runningselfiewanker]

Chase Half Marathon 14th October 2018

I don’t get out much.

I’m not a shut in or anything, it’s just that when you have two youngish kids and your wife works shifts social engagements tend to involve kids parties, Beaver and Cub drop offs and parents evenings. With that in mind, when Mrs.S and I were invited to our friends 40th birthday party we quickly arranged to dump the kids on their grandparents and put the date in our diary. About two weeks before we realised we’d also booked to run the Chase Half. There was no way we were going to pass up a night out so after a late night, great food, too many beers and an AMAZING band we found ourselves parked in a wet and muddy field in the Dorset Village of Sixpenny Handley.

It was raining, it was cold, my head was hurting and I was filling the car with some incredibly beery smelling farts. We collected our race numbers and sheltered in the village hall waiting for the race briefing. I’ve been running White Star Running races for about a year now and they have a reputation for being one of the friendliest, most supportive race companies you’d ever want to run with. Waiting for the start I met a few friends I’ve been lucky enough to meet at WSR races. Kate, who ran with me at the Summer sessions back in August (and got me through to the finish of the race after I bonked at 22 miles and started vomiting). And Mike who I also met at the summer sessions. These guys are proper ultrarunners and had both completed the Chase Marathon the day before which came in at over 30 miles!

We said hello to a few other Lonely Goats in the hall before heading out into the rain for the start of the race. I was quite glad to get out because I was seriously gassy and there were too many people around to start tooting.

The start went off great, in true WSR style every single one of us missed the first turn. We had gone less than a Kilometre when one of the race admin trucks flew past, stopped the lead runner and turned us all around. I was giggling as we’d suddenly gone from being at the back of the pack to being pretty close to the front. It only lasted about 30 seconds though, as the faster runners behind us closed the gap and we headed onto the first part of the course.

Mrs.S and I don’t usually run races together. Various health reasons mean it’s difficult for her to maintain fitness but she actually does a better job at this than she realises. Unfortunately, a late night beforehand was never going to play in our favour! The first 5 miles of the race were pretty much uphill and miles 2 to 3 were pretty steep. Lots of trail Tourette’s began to issue from the Mrs and I realised it was going to be a long day. Her particular condition means she can find it twice as hard to perform a physical activity than an otherwise healthy person and I frequently remind myself this when I run. Knowing that this is twice as hard for her really helps to bring my own issues into context. When I think “This is shit” I need to remember it goes double for her and I have to admire her determination and pure bloody minded stubbornness.

We reached the first aid station just before the four mile mark. WSR aid stations are awesome. If you usually run roads you’d probably just get a water stop but here we got water, squash, pick and mix sweets, cake and cocktail sausages. After gorging we headed back out.

The Chase is an out and back race. Basically once you hit the halfway point you are going back almost the way you came. We started seeing runners around the 5-6 mile mark and did our best to stay right out of their way. These guys were so quick! I think it was at about this point my beery, long duration farting must have stopped. This probably upset Mrs.S as she could no longer complain about it. At mile 6 we turned off the main drag and started the outer loop back. This was mainly downhill and quite technical for about a mile. We really were going slow but our trail shoes are pretty darn grippy so we were actually able to move faster on the down and were able to catch up to the people who’d been quite far ahead. We both really enjoyed this down slope, it’s amazing the difference a good pair of trail shoes can make.

At the bottom of the hill we turned left towards the Village of Berwick St John. I paused for a pic here as this is where we bought our Viszla (Rila the TwatDog) from.

We were well and truly in a valley now and mile 8-9 we began the steep climb back up the hill. This hill was a real pisser! Long and steep but it could have been a lot worse. As we reached a junction we were met by a load of runners coming back at us. They’d taken a wrong turn and gone god knows how far before realizing and turning back. Bloody glad we met them as we were about to head down the same track! After a very long and sweary climb we reached the top and moved along the ridge top to the Lovestation. A WSR Lovestation is basically an aid station but with booze and they had some bloody amazing Cranbourne Chase cider. While we were waiting we learned that a runner had collapsed at mile one and had needed CPR and and ambulance. He’d been given CPR by two lovely ladies, one named Carolyn who had continued afterwards and was grateful to learn he was alive and safe in Poole hospital. It’s interesting to note. Our missing the first turn was a mistake but if the runner who had collapsed hadn’t been caught up in it he wouldn’t have been on the road and so close to the medical team when it happened. That mistake could well have been a contributing factor to his survival. That, the quick thinking of the two ladies who stopped and the fantastic organisation of the whole WSR team who really do pile on the first aid cover. I’m glad this guy is well and I’m so grateful us runners are so well looked after. The organisation by the Race Director (Andy) and the team meant that they were able to calmly and quickly deal with the situation. Fantastic work by the race sweepers, the medical team and everyone who supported the incident. 

We started chatting to Carolyn as we ran back to the finish and it really made the time and miles fly by. She was a very nice lady and both Mrs.S and I enjoyed her company. We’ve met some great people at trail races and to hear her account of what had happened, her reactions and we both realised we were speaking to someone really special. 

The race finished with a half mile or so around a field then back through the car park to the finish. I clocked the distance as 15miles which is about standard for a WSR Trail Half! 

In summary, a great and well supported race full of weather (it rained a lot!) and some pretty cheeky hills. If time and future injury allows i might have a stab at the full next year!

Next Race is Dark Moors 10k and Dark Moors Half in November. Better find some batteries for my headtorch.....