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writing-for-life · 7 months

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As It Was Before The Otherness Came

A one-shot fic for #sandmanfemslashweekend (also on Ao3 if you prefer to read there, chapters are linked), chapters only for structure.

Chapters: 13 (3,773 words) Fandom: The Sandman (TV 2022) Rating: Mature Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Modern Johanna Constantine/Rachel Moodie Characters: Modern Johanna Constantine (The Sandman TV), Rachel Moodie, Dream of the Endless | Morpheus, Dream of the Endless Additional Tags: Falling In Love, Developing Relationship, Sex, Moving In Together, Break Up, Emotional Baggage, Character Death, Canonical Character Death, Canon Compliant, Canon, Swearing

Johanna Constantine and Rachel Moodie are recounting their developing and failing relationship in short, intercutting scenes. Johanna tells her story from end to beginning (she is starting with Rachel's death), and Rachel from beginning to end (she starts with how they met). There are only two scenes in third person (at the exact midpoint and the very end), the rest is written in first person POV by the individual character.

If you find the intercutting, non-linear structure hard to follow, you could try to read Johanna and Rachel separately before putting them back together.

The song inspiration is "As it was" by Hozier.

Sex in ch. 2 but not particularly explicit language, so I don’t think we need a community label. Let me know if you prefer I put one on.

Chapter 1: Demons (Johanna)

It was pissing down in a way I hadn’t experienced for a while. I mean, it’s London, but on that night, it was something else.

As I stood there, waiting for him, I couldn’t help but think that she really was a good person.

And that’s the fucking unfairness of it all. Would be easier to say I didn’t care about her, and maybe it’s true. Maybe I didn’t care enough. It’s me who isn’t a good person. People just get hurt if they get too close to me. Too much darkness, inside and out.

I let her get close. At least for a while. Until I felt it—the dimming of light. The expectations. The domestic shit. And I told myself that’s all it was—feeling tied down. She wanted the happily ever after. I couldn’t give her any of that. Too many demons. Not the real ones, although they’re part of the problem. Sort of. But the demons I’m talking about are mine, and mine alone. And when she looked at me that final time before I left her with him, I wished I’d never let her close enough to see them. Because once she had, she wanted to get to the bottom of it all, and she kept on trying. But that’s not how it works. It never does because it’s true:

I ruin everything I touch.

The sound of his steps took me out of my thoughts.

“She died in peace. In her sleep…”

Chapter 2: It was all it took (Rachel)

It all happened so fast. And it was clichéd:

She cut in right in front of me like a complete bitch, I said, “Excuse me?!”

The side-eye. The husky laugh. The, “Sorry, love…” mixed with a raised eyebrow.

The glances across tables that finally made me burst out laughing. Her confused look, quickly replaced with an inappropriate grin. Only that I didn’t find it inappropriate.

Her wiping everything off my kitchen table before pinning me down.

My legs around her hips.

That hoarse voice of hers that had been driving me insane for the last couple of hours. “Tell me what you want.”

“Show me what you’ve got…” I put my hands on her hips and began to direct her.

She closed her eyes for a second and exhaled before opening them again. Those brown eyes that were blazing like all the fires of hell.

One of her hands moved down my flanks. When she reached my hip, she ran it between our bodies and began touching both of us.

“Trying to make me come first?” I moaned.

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t…” I could hardly control my voice.

“Better do something about it, then.”

I ran both of my hands between us and put them on hers.

“Like this?”

“Fuck…” She moved with me, touching me, touching herself. I felt the dampness between us, my own stickiness on my hands.

The table creaked, and its surface was hard and unforgiving. It was uncomfortable, and I didn’t care.

She pulled her hand away and propped herself up on her elbows, cupping my face. No, not cupping. Clasping. Hard. “Keep on doing what you’re doing.”

I bent my knees and pushed my feet into the table. I felt her and myself. I heard her and myself. But alI could see was her. The little frown between her eyebrows. The colour of her eyes that seemed to change from brown to black right in front of me. The mouth I wanted to kiss but didn’t because I was too busy looking at her and feeling her.

Creaking, rubbing, pressing, sensing. My mind was clouded, my body aware. I touched, she pushed. Her breath hitched, her eyes closed.

Speeding up, the sound of her voice, the feeling of her breath.

A moment of stillness, slowing down.

Her hand reached down and rested on my hands for the briefest of moments before she removed them. “Put your hands over your head and let me touch you.” Her voice was breathless.

She finally kissed me while holding my hands in place with her left and touching me with her right. She breathed into me, I breathed into her. It only took her seconds to make me come. It was sweet, it was painful, it made me tighten and open up at once.

It was all it took. I knew I wanted more of it. More of her, even if she hadn’t shown me much. I wanted to find out…

Chapter 3: Save the light (Johanna)

She was asleep. I lay awake. And I had been for the last 3 hours.

I couldn’t take it anymore. The nightmares were worse than ever. Her light would fade if she stayed with me.

I’d tried to provoke her far too many times over the last couple of days, and I hated myself for it. Honestly, I wanted her to break up with me. But she didn’t get the hint. She didn’t mind arguing. She always said it was “healthy”. Fuck no, nothing that involves me is healthy. And that’s why I needed to let her go. And if she wouldn’t leave me, I’d have to leave her to save her light. She meant something to me, whatever it was, and I couldn’t afford that. Neither did she deserve to go down with me.

I got up and got dressed, grabbed a few things and left the rest. For a moment, I thought I should have taken everything I had brought into her flat over the past months, but then she’d immediately know. And I didn’t want her on my back. Or maybe I lied to myself and, for a split-second, thought it was a way back in if I changed my mind.

But when I quietly closed the door behind me, I already knew I wouldn’t…

Chapter 4: Moving fast (Rachel)

She was so beautiful when she laughed, and it’s not that she never did. But it was usually some sort of sneer, a grin with an underlying hint of jadedness, a smile that looked like it was covering up some kind of hurt. But this one was real.

“I should go home soon,” she said, a smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth.

I leaned forward and kissed one corner. “You could stay tonight.” Then the other. “Or you could just…stay?”

She immediately moved back and looked at me like only Jo looks at you. As if you’ve got two heads. As if you’ve completely lost the plot.

“Woah, moving a bit fast, aren’t we?”

And there it was. The sneer. But I was having none of it and just kissed her again. I felt a tiny bit of resistance at first, but not as much as I had feared. She finally gave in.

“Just stay tonight,” I mumbled against her lips. “We could cook together, maybe watch a film, and you could just pretend to be my girlfriend for once.”

She snorted. “I’m not pretending, it’s just…”

“Well, that’s it settled then,” I interrupted with a grin.

She smiled back, and that one was real…

Chapter 5: My nightmares, her dreams (Johanna)

I felt exhausted and drained. Seen things no human should ever see, and it had been a close one. Again.

When I opened the door to her flat, a part of me hoped to find comfort in her arms, felt like talking about what had happened tonight.

Past the point, not her stuff to worry about. What was I even thinking?

And in any case, she was waiting for me with a face like thunder.

“Where have you been?”

“Come on, Rach, not that shit again.” For fuck’s sake, she’d been crying, I could see it in her eyes.

“Well, yes, that shit again. What do you expect me to say if I’m worried sick about you? I can't take the constant worry. And you’re never honest with me!”

“When did I ever lie to you?”

She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “When were you ever honest when you get calls in the middle of the night, when you just disappear, when you come back stinking of god-knows-what?”

I felt a surge of pain and anger, but I quickly swallowed it. It wasn’t her fault. How could she even remotely understand?

Deep down, I knew she was right. I would never be able to be truly honest with her, not as long as my world was one of demons and nightmares while hers was one of humans and dreams.

So I turned on my heel and just said, “I’ll let you cool off a bit and come back later.”

“Yeah, just run away, like every time things get too close!” she called after me.

And once again, she was right…

Chapter 6: Light is armour (Rachel)

She had this funny little ritual. Every night, before we went to sleep, Jo told me a bedtime story. She was really great at it, spinning tales of adventure and slaying demons—always demons. And of course she was always the heroine of her stories (even if she pretended she wasn’t), and sometimes, she would even save me (even if she pretended it was someone else).

I found it hilarious and endearing—here was the woman I loved, who always seemed so tough, but she was like a little kid when she described epic battles against terrifying creatures that threatened the peace of some random kingdom.

She would talk about wielding a magical sword that could cut through any darkness, and wearing armour made of pure light.

“How does that even work?” I snorted. “You must be butt-naked under that.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “It’s not me!”

“Okay, then whoever she is, she’s still starkers. Light isn’t armour.”

She looked at me, and her expression changed. “Maybe it is.”

And of course I knew they were more than just bedtime stories. That there were struggles behind it all, disguised as fantasy. That Jo had hopes and dreams, hidden under a mountain of fear and insecurity. And I didn’t know how to help her through it all because she still wouldn’t let me.

But right then, as we lay in bed together, wrapped in each other's arms, I felt a sense of peace, and I’m sure she felt it, too.

Chapter 7: Pulling the drawstrings (Johanna & Rachel)

Johanna rang the doorbell and waited. It took Rachel a while to buzz her in, and it took Jo an even longer while to get up the stairs. When Rachel opened the flat door, she was soaking, a towel wrapped around her. It didn’t stop her from leaning in to kiss Jo and getting her wet in the process.

“Oy,” Johanna grinned.

Rachel’s gaze dropped to the bags that lay on the floor. “Moving in?” She smirked.

“Well, I need to keep some stuff close by and might as well just leave it here at the moment.”

“Right.” Rach raised her eyebrow and couldn’t stop grinning. “Come in then. Want me to take any of that?”

“Nah, just get yourself dried and decent.”

“As if.”

Jo rolled her eyes. “I’m serious, I need to unpack a few things.”

Rachel petted her lip in mock-disappointment. “Okay, just get started, I’ll be with you in a few…”

“What’s that?” Rachel asked, dressed in jeans and a jumper, a towel still wrapped around her head.

“I’ve no clue, honestly, It’s some old pouch I got while…” She hesitated. “Can’t remember where I got it, but I never even managed to pull the drawstrings open.”

“Let me…”

Johanna threw the leather pouch at Rachel, who nearly dropped it.

“Careful,” she grinned.

“I always am, aren’t I?”

Chapter 8: Sand (Rachel)

She’d just left me standing there like an idiot. It was the first real argument.

No, it wasn’t even that because we hadn’t exactly been fighting. I had asked questions. Okay, maybe I had raised my voice a little, but I had been sitting at home for hours, feeling worried about her, not knowing where she was. And it hadn’t been the first time. Her phone was always switched off. In fact, it was near always switched off. It was sometimes impossible to get a hold of her. And when I had told her that she wasn’t honest with me, she had completely stonewalled me before running away.

I felt my eyes welling up with tears again, and it annoyed me. So I got ready for bed. I lay there for hours, tossing and turning, and couldn’t get to sleep. I wandered back into the living room and switched on the TV. When I sat down on the couch, the leather pouch on the coffee table caught my attention. We both hadn’t managed to open it, even after trying repeatedly, but I didn’t have anything better to do, so I tried again. But no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t work.

“Honestly, I will just pretend I can open you with sheer willpower and belief, you stupid thing. Abracadabra,” I joked. And believe it or not, all of a sudden, the pouch was open. Just a tiny crack, maybe the size of a shirt button. But it was enough to take a peek. It was hard to tell what it was, so I turned it over gently.

Sand?

I brought my hand up to my face and carefully sniffed it to make sure that’s what it was.

I can’t remember what happened after, but I do remember I woke up the next morning, and that I hadn’t had such nice dreams in ages…

Chapter 9: Just a few bags (Johanna)

I honestly spent a lot of time with her, which wasn’t like me at all. And it just felt so fucking nice to have someone to come home to for once. But was I truly coming home to her?

Emotionally, maybe. But I was still only staying overnight. Well, on the nights I could. Big step for me though.

I second-guessed myself. Too rash? Too cautious? Missing out on something I knew I shouldn’t really allow myself?

For a brief moment, I actually thought, “Shit, Jo, you’re really getting in too deep.”

And the very next moment, she encroached on my mind like a flippin’ vision. Her smile, her laugh, her kindness, her passion.

How we spent time together. Me, doing shit like cuddling on the sofa and cooking. And of course we were fucking each other senseless, but that wasn’t it. I was always able to get that somewhere if I really wanted to. It was the way she made me feel. When I was with her, I was happy for a moment. I took a glance at the shitty photo booth shots of us, and I even looked it.

Was I ready for this?

Not really because it wasn’t just about me. It was about her.

Maybe I was overthinking it, letting fear get the better of me. And honestly, I should have.

It wasn’t moving in to just dump a couple of bags to make life easier, was it?

Chapter 10: As it was (Rachel)

It was okay for a short while. She’d come back, but she became more and more distant. The smiles were sneers again. The bedtime stories stopped.

Well, most of the time, she wasn’t even around at bedtime. If she was, the sex was still great, but I sometimes thought that was the problem. Because everything else had stopped. The real conversations, the watching stupid comedies together, the actual closeness.

I woke up at half past three, and she was gone. Again. And I was so fucking tired of it all.

Tired and unable to sleep.

The pouch of sand was in the drawer of my bedside table. It helped me sleep. I didn’t have the faintest clue what this stuff was because it honestly just looked like sand. Maybe I just made up things in my mind, maybe it was true what they said about placebos: If you really believe something works, it will.

So whatever this stuff was, it worked.

I took a small amount and probably inhaled a bit too deeply because I immediately knew something was off.

When I came to, I was shaking, but I remembered the dream. It had been of her. Of us in a photo booth, and going on a walk together that ended up having her pin me against a tree, kissing me, letting her hands wander a bit too much and only stopping when a few people passed.

And while it had been a dream, it was also real. Because that’s what we had done.

And I cried, and I wanted it all back.

I took a bit more sand and held on to the pouch. Maybe if I did it again, I could finally get to sleep…

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Chapter 11: Snapshots (Johanna)

I don’t really have good days that often, I admit it. But that day was one of them. I had just decided to take her out. Properly, in a sort of old-fashioned way, because I knew she was into it, and I liked that about her to be honest.

We had lunch, and I, the woman who usually eats like a horse and doesn’t look too dignified while she’s at it, could hardly eat at all. All I could do was stare at her like some idiot, and it was fucking ridiculous.

As we entered the park (she wanted to “walk off the calories”, I just asked, “Why would you even say that?”), we stumbled across a vintage VW camper van that had been converted into a photo booth.

And of course she wanted to give it a try. I said no, probably 20 times, but she ultimately won.

Lots of funky props and costumes, and I honestly couldn’t believe she roped me into that shit—hats and sunglasses, feather boas and tiaras.

“Come on, Rach, let’s at least have a few shots without all the crap.”

“Okay,” she smiled, and we tried to get a few serious ones. Not that it worked.

Anyway, we ended up with a few I really liked and wanted to keep. She, of course, also wanted all the other ones, so we ultimately walked out with two sets of four prints.

When we walked home, I just pulled her off the path and kissed her. Well, maybe something else, too. But I remember clear as day it was the first time I actually felt I liked her a lot more than I wanted to let on…

Chapter 12: Whatever here that's left of me is yours (Rachel)

It hurt.

I couldn't even remember when I last got out of bed.

At first, I didn’t want to. I just wanted to sleep, get over the fact that she really didn’t come back this time. That she had left me without even having the guts to tell me. But it was impossible to get to sleep without the sand. And the more I took, the more I needed. To get rest, and to keep the nightmares at bay. Those nightmares that got a hold of me because of it but would also go away with it.

And then, I couldn’t get out of bed physically. Whenever I tried, the pain was so severe that I immediately had to lie back down. I stopped eating at some point, which didn’t help. But whenever I managed to get rest and dream of her, it didn’t matter. At some point, the hunger just stopped.

It was waking up that was agony, not sleeping. It was not dreaming that parched me, not the fact that I didn't drink.

I couldn’t remember when I’d last been to work. The phone had rung non-stop for a while, but I physically couldn’t answer. Maybe there were people at the door at some point. Maybe I’d let them in, maybe I hadn’t, because I couldn’t remember if I'd even managed to get up at any point. It was all a haze.

I lay there, wondering where it all went wrong. What had gotten me into this state. Why I couldn't breathe, why I was in so much pain. But it would all ebb back when the dreams came.

I counted to 100…

Chapter 13: Stark sights and dark nights (Johanna, Rachel & Dream)

“Jo, is that you?” Rachel’s voice sounded thin and brittle. “That’s such a wonderful dream.”

Johanna stepped towards the bed. “It’s me Rach. It’s going to be okay.” She took her hand, but the mere touch made Rachel whimper in pain. She looked at him. “What’s happened to her?”

“It’s the sand, it wasn’t meant for humans.”

He carefully removed the pouch from Rachel’s hand. The desperation that washed over her was so immediate that Johanna had to close her eyes for a second.

“No, no, no, give it back. Please, it hurts.”

He turned around almost immediately. “We can go.”

“What? We can’t go, we can’t leave her like this!” Johanna called after him.

“We can’t help her, the sand was the only thing keeping her alive.”

“You have to do something. If it wasn't for your sand, she wouldn't be like this!”

His expression was completely emotionless. “I'm not the one who left her with it.”

It was the moment Johanna lost all composure. “What is wrong with you? You want your sand back so you can save all of humanity? Well, here she is! But we're all just like Roderick Burgess to you. All you care about is your sand, your power. What is the point of you?” She swallowed hard and was back in control. “Well, you got your sand back. Why are you still here if you won't help?” And with that, she turned her back on him.

He hesitated before stepping closer to the bed. “Wait outside.”

Johanna looked at him briefly with an almost imperceptible nod.

Rachel was shaking violently, and Johanna sat down on the bed. “Rach…”

“I’m so sorry, Jo.”

She stroked Rachel’s head. “It’s my fault, all of it. I should never have left it with you.” She held and steadied her hands. “I should never have left.”

Rachel looked at her with glazed eyes. “You came back though, didn’t you?

Johanna gave her a small smile. One of the real ones. When she kissed her lightly, it all got too much. She got up and began to make her way out. As she reached the bedroom door, she heard that little voice in her head:

No matter what he said, you really should stay.

And as always, she was good at ignoring it…

Tagging @sandmanfemslashfans @honeyteacakes @two-hands-toward-the-sun @lucienne-thee-librarian @seiya-starsniper

#sandmanfemslashweekend #johanna x rachel #Johanna Constantine x Rachel Moodie #johanna constantine #rachel moodie #dream of the endless #sandman fanfiction #sandman fanfic #not as in-depth as I would have liked #but i finished it

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