#real life has been using me as a pinata for the last few months. putting it mildly. so as of right now all my writing is on hold

[scattered-winter]

Hi! I love love LOVE your writing! I've now read all your docs on AO3 and I was wondering if you're going to add your Voltron fantasy au to your AO3? I've tried looking on your page but I can't seem to find it.

HI DO U KNOW THAT I LOVE U!!!!!!!!

the fantasy au is a work in progress that i hope to eventually add to ao3 once it's finished!! the little snippets on my tumblr are just for a fun little sneak peek but i actually have a whole plot planned out and i hope to have a full fic someday <3

[fernsplaysthings]

Here’s about 2.7k words about Birds.

There’ll be more. Eventually.

Be nice to Spider. Be nice to Spider. Be nice to Spider.

“He must know we could just kill him? I’ve killed Gods. He’s just an overstuffed Ether pinata.”

Be nice to Spider. Be nice to Spider. Be nice to Spider.

Roost’s shell shivers like the wings of an agitated insect and he turns his single eye towards his Guardian, squinting across at them in judgement. The ornament, a tiny replica of a Vex Harpy, does make the whole spectacle a little sillier than he wants but the impact, he hopes, will be the same. Nestled in the seat of their jumpship Kestral swings their vision away from their descent into the tattered islands of the Reef to take in the scolding Ghost.

“I’m not going to kill him,” they almost whine defensively, “He just needs to know I could if I wanted to. Especially if he tries anything shitty with you. ”

The impression of a sigh sounds from the little light, “Nothing’s going to happen to me, Kes. I know we’ve seen a lot of loss and pain. Sundance, Sagira, Glint. I know some ghosts - the other kind - are showing their faces and it’s...it’s hard for you to put your feelings together. But…” Roost presses into the crook of Kestral’s neck with some force, finding rest in the collar of fur that covers their shoulders, “...You’ll always have me. We’ll have each other.”

Silence. The Ghost’s eye swivels upwards towards his Guardian’s face after waiting a moment to see if the prolonged quiet pulled a reply from them. Their face was blank and stoney and it took a moment for them to realise they were being watched intently.

Be nice to Spider. Be nice to Spider. Be nice to Spider.

“Stop trying to make me cry while I’m concentrating, you fuck.”

---

“Alright Kestral. The line’s secure. It’s just you, me and Roost.”

The Young Wolf sighs heavily, “Glint is it really a good idea for me to keep coming back here?”

They’d been jumping back and forth to the Shore for a short while now, meeting up with Crow for a run down on the Wrathborn situation and where they were in the general scheme of things. It’d be fine. Once the Celebrant was dead they could part ways and the Young Wolf could go back to their normal day to day activities. And their own normal thoughts. Because holy shit debating the morality of what they were doing and juggling the complex feeling of seeing the former Prince of the Reef’s face regularly, with the fact that the New Light had nothing to do with…

...that. 

It was stressful. And not ‘God slaying’ stressful. Not even embracing the Darkness stressful. Wading into the depths and heights of the fabled Deep Stone Crypt, although unique in it’s inflicted trauma - poor Artemis - hadn’t put them in the same situation. Killing came with it’s own special kind of low. Grieving was a totally different monster.

“I understand why you’re worried but he remembers nothing. Plus, he looks up to you,” the little Light sounds concerned, his synthesised voice with a pleading edge. He obviously and proudly loved his Guardian, “You’re the first kind face he’s seen and I - we would appreciate it. A lot, Kestral.”

Another heavier sigh and the Hunter kneaded at their temples, bracing themselves to see that face again. Reliving the moment - moments? - over again in their mind. Cayde’s final rattling words. Uldren’s futile attempts to reason his way out from the sights of Petra’s gun. The new confounding idea that they now felt something aside from pity for the man that had been laid out on the floor unready to die.

“We’ll be in the lair in a few minutes. Let Spider know we’re on our way.”

“Will do, Guardian. We’re looking forward to seeing you!”

---

Coming face to face with the man that inhabited the body of Uldren Sov was a little less jarring these days and, although still entirely uncomfortable and a little like walking on eggshells at all times, they did kind of look forward to the quick wit - without the underlying loathing he’d always had before - and how damn earnest he was. A real Guardian, determined with all his heart to help people around him.

It was endearing. Unfortunately.

Mostly because it reminded them a little of their early Guardian days. Way back when things were somehow both simpler and more difficult. When they’d known that they wanted to help wherever they saw pain and danger but unsure of who they were and what cause they were fighting for aside from the driving urge to protect...

Even when they’d end up carrying the resulting hurt with them when they left.

Long before the ‘Young Wolf’ was an icon amongst Guardians, Kestral had been sweet and earnest themself. Driven but alone. Aside from Roost, of course. And despite the fact that the face and voice of their newest member of the flock had haunted their nightmares for months they still didn’t want ‘Guardian-hood’ to break him down too. For him to succumb to the slow process of losing himself to the need to help, whatever the cost.

Shared burdens and all that.

Plus Kestral liked to think that they had a good bit of experience under their belt to pass on to him so perhaps he’d find himself happily surrounded in the Guardian ‘culture’ one day soon.

“With Savek defeated and a good number of Wrathborn taken care of I think our next target is somewhere near the mines to the north.”

Crow stands over his cluttered desk, a map somewhat resembling the Tangled Shore spread beneath his hands and marked with crosses in seemingly random locations. One of them they recognised, Sjursrest, where the Wrathborn Eliksni Savek had been called. She hadn’t been the worst enemy to fight and Spider had left them alone for a while afterwards. Apparently he was mildly generous after they’d achieved a small goal.

Naturally the generosity only lasted until another of his shipments suddenly vanished and then it was straight back to work for his poor underling.

“You think the smaller Wrathborn might lead us straight to them again?”

He turns his attention to the Hunter at his side, a head shorter than himself - if you didn’t include the nest of hair in their high ponytail - and catches their gaze. They really wanted to hate that glowing yellow stare but...it was softer than Uldren’s had ever been when looking at them. Held less contempt for what they were.

It didn’t feel like he was sizing them up for a coffin.

Realising he’d been looking a little too long, perhaps uncomfortable with the Hunter’s unnervingly steady returned look, Crow cleared his throat, “If you try the lure at the Cryptolith again we can see where it leads.”

“Sounds good to me,” they reply, stepping back from the map and holding out a palm for Roost to transmat into, “I’ll keep in touch. Unless you’ll be joining me this time?”

The slightly clunky sound of Glint’s shell as he twisted in alarm snapped Kestral away from Roost and they arched an eyebrow.

“Crow, I know you want to help but you have to stay out of sight.”

His shoulders visibly slouch and Kestral hated how defeated he looked when, knowing the ache of feeling useless, they understood how much he wanted to be out there. It made sense to keep him secreted away though, just in case a single Guardian out on the Shore recognised his face and matched him to his former life. Just in case they felt the need to let him know that they knew what he’d done. If Kestral hadn’t been sure that Uldren deserved death even at the end of their hunt, this man, completely unconnected in everything but appearance, definitely didn’t deserve the abuse he’d suffered at the hands of other Lightbearers like them.

Why did Glint have to mention them being the first friendly Guardian he’d seen?

Crow straightened up, his momentary lapse in drive apparently a small hiccough and shot a grin over to his Ghost, “I see, you want to keep me all to yourself. I can’t blame you.”

With that Kestral decided they’d seen enough wholesome Light interactions for the day and threw up a lax salute before turning on their heel and heading for the exit.

“Glint has our feed, if you find anything new let us know.”

---

The following week happened to be the beginning of the Tower’s Dawning celebration. Having taken down yet another of the big Wrathborn, a heavy shank that decided to be the biggest pain in their ass, Kestral assumed that Spider could give the newest addition to his collection a small break to enjoy a mini version of the festivities. Since Glint had explained that their last Dawning had been ‘difficult’ - Kestrel preferred the term ‘emotionally scarring’ - they’d taken it upon themself, with a little prodding from Roost, to see to it that Crow at least received some traditional cookies from at least one Guardian.

Sadly, letting the rest of the fireteam know that the body of Uldren Sov walked again and that of all people Kestral, bringer of his demise, was taking him cookies…

Yeah they didn’t have time to unpack that.

So one tin of cookies (varied flavours), a string of tiny lights shaped like engrams, two servings of powdered hot chocolate (marshmallows stored separately) and a small gift wrapped delicately in a bow made their way aboard the jumpship storage before they travelled to the Tangled Shore.

A mote of panic made its way into their mind as they landed and gathered the items; what if he didn’t like any of this? They could just leave the goods on the ship and not have to worry about being mocked...or making him feel patronised by their silly traditions. Roost’s slitted glare forced them to continue though. He completely believed Crow and Glint would appreciate the gestures and Kestral hoped that he’d been speaking with the new Lightbearer’s Ghost to confirm as much. Either that or Roost had far too much faith in his goofy Guardian’s ideas on ‘welcoming’ and ‘festivities’.

Of course all that was immediately followed by the slap in the face that was ‘realising they wanted Crow to be happy’ and decided to focus on fitting everything in their arms instead.

Naturally the easiest way to get everything to the lair would have been to transmat it all at the same time, but something had to be said for riding up with a stack of goodies. Plus Spider hated it when they rolled in on their sparrow and ditched it in the corridor for a while before sending it away. He’d not been impressed on seeing that his (least) favourite Guardian seemed to have something other than work on their mind but he said little about it. Kestrel strode by quickly regardless because any conversation with Spider that could be avoided, should be.

Glint heard them before they’d rounded the corner, floating just out of view of the entrance, little eye lighting up brighter when he realised who’d turned up. And that they had stuff.

“You didn’t warn us!”

Kestrel struck an awkward pose, upper body ladened with their bounty, “Surprise?”

Crow’s head peeked around into the corridor soon after they’d spoken, a small tilt of the head and raised eyebrow as he glanced towards Glint questioningly. The Ghost simply rounded on Kestral and Roost, nudging them into the room before spinning excitedly.

“What is all this?”

Although trying not to meet his confused face - for fear, embarrassment or shame - the Hunter realised they’d need some extra arms to sort things out. Especially since Crow’s work surfaces seemed to be partially covered in machinery and scrap, with the other parts covered in grease and...Hive gunk? No matter what it was, it was no place for cookies. Placing the small stack in his arms Kestral quickly slung the lights over...something...and powered them up.

The small ‘oh’ could’ve come from either Glint or Crow, they weren’t sure.

“Do you have somewhere sort of clean to sit?”

Glancing over to a seat fashioned from assorted stuff Crow made a pained grimace, “Not going to lie I’m not exactly used to having guests.”

No matter. An ‘only slightly ruined dust sheet’ thrown over it and Kestral was satisfied that it would do for something to sit on for a bit. They took the mini festive haul back from Crow and gestured for him to perch as they held out the tin of cookies.

“I wasn’t sure what flavour you like so…” their smile was awkward, “Yeah. I made a bunch.”

“A bunch of what?”

The Ghosts’ simultaneous outbursts made both Lightbearers startle a little and when Glint settled into a very gentle description of Dawning cookie traditions Kestral took their seat beside him, swinging their legs up to hug their knees.

“Dig in. I bought hot drinks too.”

During the time taken for Kestral to find a comfortable position and for Roost to nestle into his favourite resting spot - Kestrel’s fluffy shoulders - Crow had taken bites of, what looked like, one of each cookie flavour and Glint was telling him which flavours they probably were. Once again Kestral found themself forgetting some of the weird past involving the body beside them, and investing themself in how engrossed in trying cookies he was. How much fun Glint was having talking about festivals now that they’d both finally been able to experience a bit. How much more there was to come and-

“Sorry, do you want some?”

The Hunter blinked up at him, “They’re all yours. I don’t want to help myself to your gift.”

“Glint sa-” the little Ghost tapped a point of his shell against Crow’s face and the New Light stuttered, “Thank you, Kestral. Roost.”

A saccharine warmth filled their chest for a moment, Roost’s shell fluttering again at the shared happiness and pride. They wanted to hate it so much. ‘Past Kestral’ screamed internally about grief and pain and weariness. ‘Present Kestral’ was tired of that and kind of liked the soft smile on their companion’s face - just because they knew they’d helped, nothing else of course - and the way his little Light seemed to buzz with the sheer affection at seeing his Guardian content.

“One more thing,” they press the small gift into his hands, “Don’t get too excited.”

The Awoken’s slightly blank stare prompted Glint into another explanation about how ‘the paper’s actually meant to be removed’ and so on, Kestral mesmerised - oh no - watching him deftly undo the bow they’d worked quite hard to form, reel the ribbon into a roll and then carefully unwrap the paper, Glint all the while egging him on to tear it open since ‘gifts are supposed to be exciting’.

It wasn’t an exciting gift but they did what they could.

On the Crow’s lap lay a folded pile of thick wool and fleece, edges neatly stitched into tidy seams. The deep red of the main body of fabric seemed to be the ideal colour based on what he wore but...well, Roost had said it was a good idea. He’d unfolded it with care, running his hands over the plush underside of the item, that same soft smile on his face.

“Aha, a cosy blanket.”

“I’m sorry if it’s not much I-”

“No! No, it’s...nice. Spider doesn’t supply much in the way of luxury, and…” his voice was a kind laugh as he gestured down to his lap where Glint had already made himself a nest in the folds of the blanket, “...I think it’ll be well used.”

Kestral hadn’t intended to spend almost a full day on the Shore chattering with Crow but somewhere along the way, later into the evening, they’d dug out a camping stove, filled a pan with water and made up two hot chocolates by the colourful glow of the string lights. The pair had settled down, opposite ends of the makeshift bench, feet messily thrown somewhere on the ‘seat’ between them, warm cups in hand. And at some point while immersed in talk of other festivals celebrated at the tower, the blanket had made its way from just covering Crow’s knees to being shared across them both.

Underneath the lively Guardians’ conversation the pair of Lights quietly decided that this might become a little more complicated than they’d anticipated.

[liberat1on]

Thank You, and Goodbye.

It was 6 years ago to the day when my wife Raylene, overdue for a week with our baby, finally decided it was time.

We rushed to the hospital and thus began about 18 hours of labor for her - and the end result was an incredible gift to our lives, which have never been the same since.

For whatever reason, I find it fitting that I write this -- the last email I'll ever send you -- the morning we're preparing for Cooper's 6th birthday party.

As you well know by now, my business partner and best friend -Kourosh Assef - and I decided a while ago that we were going to wind down SimpleWealth.

A lot of people thought it was a marketing stunt or some kind of strategy.  

It wasn't.

Many of the other marketers think we're absolutely insane to be deleting a database of more than 140,000 emails that we've worked hard to build over the years.  One marketer even pulled an April Fool's joke this week and announced he was deleting his email list.

This is no joke.  And this will be the last email I ever send to you.

So why delete the list and wind down the company?

Really, it's simple.  We've served hundreds of thousands of people over the years, after starting our company almost 10 years ago.

We've had an incredible run, and accomplished some of the most amazing events and experiences that touched lives.

However, integrity has always been a big deal to us.  Authenticity is more than a buzz word.

We've always taught that you have to pursue your passion.

And for both Kourosh and I, our passions have evolved - we've learned more about ourselves, what lights us up, and we are simply practicing what we've always preached.

For me, I got tired of all the travel and being away from my family.  I became annoyed with the antics and bullshit that so many people in the "online marketing" industry pull.  Frankly, I was often embarrassed to be lumped into the same category as some of the circus acts that call themselves marketers and speakers.

I became tired of watching people who have never actually built a real business, in the real world, claiming to be experts and geniuses, only because they got lucky online.  They can't repeat the success, because they don't know what actually creates business success.  The lack of integrity pisses me off.

The speaking, training and online marketing worlds have also changed a lot in the last few years.  You have to work harder just to get the same results, and there are a lot of head winds in building a sustainable business model.

We've both loved helping people and we've enjoyed so many incredible relationships and connections over the years, but we decided it's time for both of us to forge new paths.  Because there are always so many ways to achieve your passion and goal.

Why not sell the list and "monetize" it?

We spoke to several people about the possibility of partnering, or having them take over our list, content and programs.  But the challenge always came back to the fact that selling our list to someone else just didn't feel right.

I never hired coaches under me to do my coaching, and I have personally written every single email you've ever received from me.  I've put my heart into being real, and the idea of someone else taking what I've created and trying to make money from it .. well, it just kind of made me ill thinking about it.

You didn't sign up for my list to have your name sold to someone else, so we decided that was not the right thing to do.

So that's why, in the next 24 hours, we will be cancelling our Infusionsoft account, and having our entire database deleted.

Where are we going from here?

Kourosh and I are still best friends, and as we continue to wind down our business interests, we'll remain great friends forever.  Kourosh has been there at some of the toughest moments of my life, and I hope that I have been for him as well.

He's an incredible human being as so many of our clients know.  I'm blessed to have him in my life, and I would have never been able to achieve a fraction of what I have without his friendship, guidance and mentorship.

We've also been blessed to have an amazing team behind the scenes that has always made us look great.  Laura and Tracy, who continue to work with us, along with so many incredible team members we've had over the years, have made the journey so much more fun and smooth.

And of course, my wife Raylene and Kourosh's wife Leanne have put up with a lot from the two of us.  And we're deeply grateful for their support and love over the years.

Truly, there's too many people to even thank -- but we are incredibly appreciative of so many people that have helped us along the way.

For my "what's next", I'm focusing on a business that I'm excited and passionate about.  About 5 years ago, one of my coaching clients started with me just after starting her business.  She needed marketing help, and over 3 years of coaching her, I fell in love with her business and it's potential.

I knew that I needed to be a part of it, not only because I could help her explode the growth, but it was doing something I really loved.

Vets To Go (www.vetstogo.com) is a mobile veterinary company that I'm building out with my business partner, Dr. Wendy McClelland.  It's an awesome concept, and we're expanding it quickly here in Alberta.

How big will we grow it?  I have no idea, but I'm having a great time building a fun, innovative, disruptive and sustainable company that does a lot of good for animals in the world.

If you read my blog series about the "16 Key Elements" of a great business .. this company meets every one of the 16.  Nice.

So that's what I'm focusing on going forward.  Kourosh and I still have some of our real estate holdings, but that's not an active focus for us these days.

So before we move on and close the SimpleWealth door, we just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you for all the support, the love, the trust and belief that you've had in us, and in me, over the years.

We're very proud of the brand we built, the experiences we created, and the lives we affected.

The last piece of advice we can offer you is this:

You get one life to lead.  Don't spend it trading away your most precious moments today because you think that some day, you'll have all the time and money you need to enjoy them then.

Carpe Diem.  Seize the day.  It may be the last one you see, so enjoy it.  Use it.  Live it.

Speaking of which .. I have a birthday party to enjoy.  The magician arrives in a couple of hours, and I still have to fill up the pinata with candy and fun things.

I'll pass birthday greetings on to Cooper from you, and I'll always treasure the fact you were willing to let me visit your inbox occasionally.

Focker OUT.

All my best,

Greg Habstritt Founder, SimpleWealth Inc.

P.S.  If you'd like to follow what I'm doing with Vets To Go,you can go to our Facebook page here and like it (we'll be rolling out some neat stuff over the coming weeks and months):

http://www.Facebook.com/VetsToGo

My partner Dr. Wendy and I also host a weekly pet radio show - if you have pets you might find it interesting.  The iTunes podcast can be found here:

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/vets-to-go-radio-podcast/id710244564?mt=2

Ciao!

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season five, episode twenty: i’m so sorry, lauryn hill. i’m so sorry for what i did to you in this recap.

Y’all, we’ve reached the penultimate episode of this season of Serious Conversations Next To A Dumpster, also known as Vanderpump Rules.

We’re still at Twenty Mile House, where Katie and Tom1 are going over placements for the wedding. Of course there will be a taco bar at the rehearsal dinner - it’s Taco Tuesday, because these adults are getting married on a Wednesday. Katie’s in great spirits because she had a little bit of an edible that morning, which makes everyone more tolerable. Tom’s mother shows up and of course, they take a shot of Fireball. I wonder if my mom has ever had Fireball. I doubt this.

Jax is back at the house freaking out because, in case you forgot, the Schwartz Triplets missed their flight, and there’s no way of reaching Tom Sandoval, who has been left with the responsibility of handling their itinerary. Why is only one person handling this itnerary? When I go on a trip, I send info to my mom, to my boyfriend, to my cousin, to my neighbor. Everyone knows where i’m going to be. I know it’s a surprise, but write it on a scroll in Latin so 87 year old Jax will be able to read it, and it’ll be fine. Jax spends 20 years trying to come up with the phrase “Anything worse”. I have nothing else to say.

Tom Schwartz is in a good mood, Brittany’s in a good mood, everyone’s drinking and in a great mood! You know who’s not in a good mood. Fucking Shay. Not that I blame him, spending time with people you don’t want to be around - especially when you’re sober and they’re constantly doing drugs and drinking - would make anyone miserable. Add an unhappy, rushed marriage to a woman whose face changes every five minutes and a camera crew, and I DO NOT BLAME SHAY FOR COPPING A ‘TUDE. Scheana pretends she doesn’t realize why Shay wouldn’t be happy to be there and tries to remain enthusiastic, but Shay does the Amanda Mitchell Anger Special and becomes monosyllabic2.

The Gang™’s going tubing, and this is the only time I’ve ever been jealous of these people. We get a scene of people being like “Oh, we may have drama, but we still love each other!!!!!!” And shaky camera angles because they put the cameras on the tubes. I’m nauseated, and for a normal reason, not just a “Watching This Show” Reason. And then My Favorite Person Tom Sandoval arrives, with 50 cases of Coors and 10 packs of Blue Moon, and he is forgiven for missing his flight. Schwartz is in bliss - rolling peacefully down the lake in a giant pink flamingo, and we find out that the Triplets Schwartz are still on their way, albeit later than expected - they’ll still get there in time for dinner, hopefully.

Lisa and Ken and Giggy arrive at the wedding location for the rehearsal, and Lisa describes it as “So Katie,” as a train goes by and loudly toots its horn. This is correct: Katie is much like a train, loud and disturbing everything in its way, and sometimes homeless people stowaway in it3. Lisa’s nervous to officiate the wedding, and of course, Tom & Katie haven’t given her any kind of direction as to what to do. Lisa, it happens. These people don’t care about the actual act of getting married, they care about having a big fancy party. The best and worst part is that Lisa’s speech is perfect. I’m so sad she’s using it on these two, really.

The Gang™ all arrives to the location - Ariana with beer in hand - and we mostly are treated to a sweet moment of Tom Sandoval talking about his relationship with Tom Schwartz - he was there when he brought Katie home, he got choked up when he saw the venue - and again. I love Tom Sandoval. He’s the best. We don’t actually see them rehearse, they just head to the rehearsal dinner for tacos. Katie’s wearing the best outfit she’s worn all season and actually seems tolerable. It’s shocking. We also get glimpses of her family, and damn, do they all look related.

Jax has a crush on Tom Schwartz’s mom, because of course he does. Stassi hopes that Katie and Tom mention her in their vows, because they’ve had a great tenure as friends. We’re treated to a brilliant montage of Katie and Tom vs. Stassi. Tom Schwartz, who couldn’t afford to fly his brothers out or get a train ticket for his dad, got his mom a white gold and diamond ring. It’s gorgeous, but what? Speaking of moms, Stassi’s telling hers about the new guy she’s seeing, and apparently he went down on her a bunch of times their first date and she cried twice. There are some things even I know not to talk to my mom about.

THE TRIPLETS HAVE ARRIVED. If you didn’t know that I love Tom Sandoval, I love Tom Sandoval - he’s brought outfits for the triplets - Bert, Brandon, and Billy - to wear to both the wedding rehearsal and the wedding itself, because HE IS THE BEST. He wants them to look fly for their brother. And they do look good! I mean, in that very Florida “refuses to tuck his shirt in all we wanna do is crush beers” kind of way, ya know? Tom and Jax escort Schwartz over, and his brothers come out, one by one.

It’s an amazing wedding gift.

Why am I crying.

WHY AM I CRYING?!

Jax’s goal was to get Tom to cry. I hope he doesn’t get bonus tears just because he got a girl who cries at diaper commercials to cry, too.

Back at the rehearsal, everyone - except Shay, who is laying beneath pillows in his room - is commisserating and enjoying themselves. Stassi and Lisa finally have a conversation wherein which Lisa admits that she’s basically harsh to Stassi because she had so much love and respect for her. It’s nice to see this, finally - Stassi finally gets a bit of closure and we get a bit of humanity from Lisa Vanderpump.

Meanwhile, Lisa Vanderpump is equating hitting a pinata to animal abuse4, and talking to Scheana about her failing marriage. Then again, Scheana still claims things are “amazing” between the two of thim, his music is amazing, everything is amazing. She’s lying. Lisa doesn’t believe her because Shay’s never around. But Scheana’s all smiley and irritating. Sure. Scheana and Shay are Marnie and Desi from Girls, but IRL.

The guys burst open the pinata - there’s Laffy Taffys in there and I immediately went on Amazon and ordered a tub of Laffy Taffy5 - and Katie, the most likeable and relaxed we’ve seen her ever, goes to have a chat with Lisa Vanderpump. She’s hoping the next day goes perfectly, and then Tom Schwartz comes over and they pretend like they’re happy yet again. Lisa’s thankful as hell she’s not in her early 30s anymore, because she’s happy with her life and her experiences and she wouldn’t change a damn thing. And again, it’s hard not to be inspired by Lisa and Ken, who have been married since the dawn of time.

Schwartz and Katie are feeling in love and happy to be getting married. I get this. Sure. But again - a marriage that starts from a proposal given out of an ultimatum isn’t built to last.

We’ll see, I suppose.

The day of the wedding, everyone’s hungover, and Stassi’s crying tears of happiness. The guys are going flyfishing, a sport I don’t understand the point of. There’s plenty of “rod” and “snake” jokes, and Jax wishes they were playing Russian Roulette - Jax, I’m pretty sure whatever woman you end up marrying will play that on her wedding day. Schwartz, of course, hasn’t written his vows. He’s going fishing instead of writing his wedding vows the morning of his wedding. Why are you getting married, Tom?!?!?!?!?!? I mean, let’s be real - his vows are going to be this for two minutes:

“But buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuubbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...”

And then they’ll get married. He asks if he can read it off of his phone, because he’s a god damn mess.

Back in the hotel room, Lisa is actually doing some form of housework. She’s ironing, and even Ken is shocked. Lisa reminds us that the reason why she looks like she has it all is because she can hire people to make it look like she has it all. I want Lisa’s life. I would be the BEST rich person. I got a phat paycheck last month and was responsible - put half of it away, and the rest of it lasted me six weeks. CHECK OUT THAT MISERLINESS. CHECK ME OUT. I’LL SHOW YOU RESPONSIBILITY.

Back at the house, the ladies are getting ready - mostly Stassi is not ging to rehearse her speech, and neither is Katie, which is a bad idea for the both of them. We’ve seen the both of them try stand up - Katie needs a few rehearsals, if I must say so. I cringe every single time Kristen inserts herself as Katie’s Maid of Honor, this wedding makes her so strangely happy and I hate it. I’m not saying it’s not okay to be happy for your friend on their wedding day, but she seems so desperate to have a title that she hasn’t been given. Katie’s mom arrives and gives her a ring box that says “Listen to the messages your heart sends you”, and her mom says that she’s always told Katie to listen to her heart when she was upset about things. And sure, that’s good advice, but Katie took that so seriously to the point where she’s always correct because she feels correct, regardless of facts or other people’s feelings. If Katie feels it in her heart to be true, then it must be true. Even when she’s wrong.

Jax is parenting the hell out of the Triplets Schwartz, making sure they’re wearing clean socks and their ties are pressed for their wedding day. Tom Schwartz just went swimming in a lake and isn’t showering the day of his wedding. I am barfing, and I am so upset on Katie’s behalf. If you can’t be bothered to shower on the day of your wedding, what does that say about the rest of your life, dude?! How you gonna win when you ain’t right within (your clothing, that is, you smelly bastard)?6 Tom Sandoval has a Mary Poppins bag of clothing - extra ties, extra jackets, extra cufflinks, hardcore hairspray, extra socks - I would love to be best friends with Tom Sandoval. You would always be looking fly as hell.

Schwartz still hasn’t written his vows. 20 minutes to the ceremony. He got distracted by a bee.

Lisa Vanderpump arrives looking like she just came from Night of 1000 Stevies and doing a Stevie Nicks impression and basically tries to take credit for all the decisions Katie made in the wedding. She suggested a lot. Of course Katie has a brooch bouquet. Again, her wedding is a fucking Pinterest nightmare. Her dress has boning added, and that boning is stabbing Katie in the side. Tom’s forest green suit shockingly isn’t as hideous as I thought it would be, but...

I can’t stand Katie’s wedding dress.

Brian Moylan has a pretty apt and beautiful description of it, but all I have to say is this: it looks like the skin that comes off of a snake got in a fight with a doily. It’s really not flattering, and for $15,000, you can do better. As an admitted hardcore lover of all editions of Say Yes To The Dress, I know Kleinfeld has a better dress. I am never a fan of making fun of a bride’s choice in brida-

I was going to lie there. If I think your dress is ugly, I’m going to send pictures of it to my friends and giggle about it. I’m the worst kind of person. But again, if it makes you feel beautiful, do you. Don’t let my shitty opinion stop you. Good for you - but not for me.

I do like her choice in veil, though.

Katie and Tom head into their Wednesday evening wedding - everyone looks amazing, truthfully, especially Ariana, who is crushing her tuxedo - and everyone rises for the entrance of the bride.

Tom Schwartz is crying.

Here we go.

Random Thoughts from the Desk of Amanda:

Stassi’s pupils are HUGE this entire episode.

Level 32 Hairspray sounds like a level in a musical theatre video game I would love to play.

I’m sad this season is almost over. It’s been such a lovely mess.

Who is singlehandedly wearing one of the UGLIEST outfits I’ve ever seen on an adult man, so he and Katie clearly deserve each other. ↩︎

It basically involves saying as few words as possible with the most monotone voice ever because you’re on the brink of anger. This is when you tread lightly. ↩︎

Sometimes jokes just write themselves. ↩︎

That’s a fucking LEAP, Lisa. ↩︎

I seriously have a candy problem. ↩︎

Lauryn Hill would hate me for using this line in reference to white people. Sorry, Lauryn. ↩︎