#rememberingnathan

[missingnathan]

Sitting, waiting, losing patience…

[missingnathan]

It’s been a long while since I’ve typed anything on this page.

I originally opened it with the pure intention of expressing myself from the loss of Nathan but I’ve been terrible at it. It’s become hard for me to express my feelings nowadays..I’m better giving advice and helping others before myself even with this loss.

I’ve decided to stop posting directly on my social media and stick to just using this platform. I guess this will help me focus on myself a bit more than what the world perceives to be or wish it would be.

To another day surviving without you…

[missingnathan]

I can't anymore...I can't function, and I can no longer lie to myself or those who love me. How and when does it get easy? There are so many things wrong with me, but I have chosen to ignore them until now.

I can't sleep at night thinking of that fucking call that has destroyed my life, my heart and mind.

I ignore all calls cause I'm too chicken shit to answer, thinking I will break.

I can't visit his grave cause it's a constant reminder of all this being true, and the pain gets worse.

I wish I was me again...full of life, always wanting to create, and sing loudly to my favorite songs but even those destroy me because I use to sing them to you.

I hurt silently every day...I’m not okay, and it isn't fine. I sometimes wish that I don't wake up from my sleep just knowing that the pain would finally stop. I’d rather keep my eyes closed.

I'm not selfish. I won't hurt my babies I love them to much to make them think for one second that my time of weakness and craving to leave this world is worth more than them cause it isn't.

I miss him so much it hurts, and I feel that the longer I keep breaking, then less chance I have to recover.

[missingnathan]

Time passes but nothing changes...

I didn't realize how long it has been since I actually posted anything. Six months have passed and nothing has much changed just the lingering emptiness that tends to grow every day.

Missing his sarcastic texts or his need for mom motivational speeches or hearing his enthusiasm when he learned a new song or chord, or how this world is worth living in and how he would change it...or at least mine.

[missingnathan]

Today is not a good day. All this week, I’ve had to numb my thoughts and feelings to function and get through this winter storm with my family, but today...today I can’t be numb. I’ve had to live life every day that I want it to stop. I want to breathe and not hurt, but I know it won’t stop hurting. Not now, not ever.

[missingnathan]

Miss being next to you...always making weird faces and talking about random things, especially music. Thinking of you has made me question so many things about life, especially about my faith. How am I suppose to have faith and believe in something greater when life can hurt you so badly and leave you with so many unanswered questions? You are making it so hard to have faith and trust in You when You let bad things happen to good people.

[missingnathan]

PAIN

I had never experienced pain before until Nathan passed. Re-read that again. "I had never experienced pain before until Nathan passed." I know it's probably a difficult concept to grasp or believe, but with everything that I have been through in my life, drugs, and abuse, the pain I feel losing Nathan is by far the worse. The pain of a child's loss is more significant than any pain you will ever feel in your entire life. The past "pain" will be insignificant compared to what you will be feeling or going through due to a child's loss.

I know that I may seem as if I have everything together and that I am going through this perfectly fine. Whatever that may be, but believe me, not all is what it seems. Sometimes I laugh and smile when in reality, I am crying and falling apart inside. I have always been a very patient person, but now I tend to be more of a ticking bomb; minor things will make me upset or salty. And sometimes I catch myself thinking of life without compassion or love for others when all I have ever done or seen is the beauty and good that everyone has to offer to each other and life itself. 

I know that Nathan's loss has changed so many things in my life, but I never thought it would affect how I would see life. All this time, I thought I was living my life the best way possible, treating others and giving to others as I would want for myself and for the ones I love. I have so much faith in people." I had" so much faith in people that I feel like I am now numb to the thought of it...the idea of trust in people or anything for that matter. 

I got to speak to my oldest today, and I've never seen him so broken. He says that seeing his father and stepfather cry for the first time broke him; seeing two of the men he looks up to break was something he never expected to see. It made him realize that Nathan being gone was real, but he can't and won't accept it. And I can understand him. I still believe he is up in Nebraska with his roommate, working and writing songs. 

I still text him now and then; I even always message him on Facebook, wondering when he will read my messages or the green dot appear in his picture. I miss him so much. But what I miss the most is the way he would look at me.

[missingnathan]

Nathan and his girlfriend Becca made a perfect duo cover. 

[missingnathan]

PROCESS

I know I just bombed this page of who this page is all about...Nathan. It isn't easy; daily, I have to remind myself why I feel this constant void. Seeing the interviews are what I watch to confirm that what happened is real and not just a dream. Seeing his videos are my recovery just as much as writing about it is. 

My grieving/mourning is a constant ebb and flow. And sometimes I feel like I am drowning; everything hurts so much. Breathing hurts my lungs; moving hurts my bones; living hurts my soul but only because I know he isn't here anymore. Just typing that out hurts me.

I still have so many questions about that night. Did he feel pain? Did he get scared? Although I already have my answers and know the details of the incident, I sometimes doubt the answers. Hearing and reading new material on the incident makes me question everything all over again, but that's okay cause I know that it's all part of healing; it's all a process. Although I think I am going crazy and I just can't anymore with anything, I know that I can't just stop. I have my other three children to think about, and I know that Nathan would not let me stop. 

Raising him and his brothers, I always instilled in them resilience and patience. Strength because the world is not still great, and you are always going to have to work twice as hard, and this is where life will test you. Patience because, again, the world is not still great, and not everyone will treat you the way you treat them. I had Nathan and his older brother at a very young age, but I still did my best to nurture and protect them. As many may say, Nathan was more of a mama's boy but only because we both had the same love for music. We had the habit of listening to a song, then critic it and dissect it. Sometimes he would be cocky and say, "I can play it better." But he was right not trying to be biased, but Nathan had a way of making a song his. I am not sure if it were the emotion he would put in each lyric or chord on his guitar.

I miss that. I miss the random texts and calls when finally he figured out a note or finally finished a song and wanted my opinion. I miss the texts and calls when he needed me to lift his spirits cause he wanted to come home. He felt like he wasn't making it, or he would feel like a failure. I would always reassure him that he was not a failure and that I was still proud of him because he was doing what HE WANTED to do with his life. His struggles were only temporary, but he always had a home to come back to if it was too much.

I wish I would have just forced him to come home. But I couldn't do that. I raised my children to have wings to fly, not to clip them. I know that anything I would have done differently wouldn't have changed the outcome, but my boyfriend and I had plans to surprise him and pick him up on Sunday, November 22nd. But little did I know that we would be picking him up but not for the reasons we planned for.  

[missingnathan]

#mourning #rememberingnathan #nathanpastrana #alwaysinourhearts #11212020 https://www.instagram.com/p/CWf8joMgIxx/?utm_medium=tumblr

[missingnathan]

Breathing

What happens when you stop breathing? I have heard that it's painful and that your chest and lungs start burning due to the pain. I sometimes wonder if it's about the same when you start feeling immense pain that your body starts getting hot to the point you start shaking, and you don't have control of the pain or the movement that your body is undertaking so uncontrollably.

Then come to find out that it's just a panic attack or anxiety at its full force. This week has basically been the work year of my life.

My mother-in-law passed away on the 26th, and everything went hell wire. We all knew that she would be leaving us for the past 6 weeks. She had been fighting really hard to stay, but she finally got her closure and decided to hang up her boxing gloves and rest.

Unfortunately, her viewing took place in the same place as Nathan's. It was insane. I was barely even able to park near the building without my anxiety kicking in. I forced myself to move forward in going into the building because I had to be there for my significant other and his family I had grown to love these past 6 years.

I think I only made it into the hallway till my mind and body started thinking that I was back to Nathan's viewing. I couldn't move...my body was in shock. Would I see Nathan again? Do I have to go through this again and watch my children drown in their own sorrows? So many things came to mind, and I just couldn't move forward.

After 20 minutes of fighting my body, I finally approached the main area where my mother-in-law's body was located. I sat at the very back of the hall where I was alone and did not see her too much. But as much as I tried to see her...I couldn't. I only saw Nathan with his long hair, his two guitars on each side of his casket, and the many flowers that people had brought for him. I must've blinked a million times to correct the image in my head, but it would not relent.

And again, I find myself mourning him as if it was day one.

[missingnathan]

His image

So many things that run into my head. I can't sleep, I can't think, but most of all, I can't feel. I feel this immense sadness in my heart...a hole that is unable to be filled. I think about him all the time and the memories of when he was alive, but the still frame of him laying in a casket overshadows the good memories that I have of him. I hear constant screams in my head, wondering from whom they come from but only to realize that it's me screaming at the image of the lifeless body.

It's not him; it can't be him. He was warm and alive. He was trying to make something out of himself. He was trying to live his dream or at least get inspired to create music.

I miss his voice when he needed reassurance that he was enough for this world and worth the air that this world provided. I always ensured him that this world didn't deserve him because he was more significant than me and what the world could provide for him, but he had hope and faith in himself and people. His heart was big and full. Although he was lost at times, he always knew that I would always find him and lead him back to the light even if it was dim, but there was light, and he always knew where to see the light and how to spread it.

There isn't a moment that I don't think of him or miss him. But cried full-heartedly; that is one thing I haven't done since his passing. I hope for the day when I get to see him again and hug him hard. For now, I will sit in the dark feeling lost without him.

[missingnathan]

It’s been 4 months now since I’ve posted anything…life hasn’t gotten any easier. The pain is still lingering as hard as it was when I first got the call.

It’s hard to believe that in 2 months it will have been a year since he’s been gone. I’m afraid of that day…I don’t know how it will be or how I will handle it all. I know all this time it has seemed as if I’ve learned to accept the fact that he is gone, but I haven’t even had that thought of letting go phase me.

I have broken down a few times...When I first saw him in his casket, I screamed so loud for a few seconds...I cried, and I panicked. I didn't want anyone to touch him, but then I composed myself and learned how to breathe slowly. I'll be honest...I haven't broken down yet. I've kept strong all these months for him and his brothers, but I feel it's now my turn to break, or at least I feel like it's coming.

I'm starting to lose control...I'm beginning to feel powerless.

[missingnathan]

WHY IS MY HEART STILL BEATING...

It's been a while since I posted...this past month has been brutal, first Nathan's birthday on the 19th and then his memorial in Nebraska on the 26th. It's as if life is constantly reminding me that he is gone. However, I know that it will be six months on the 21st of this month, and I am still lost on the first day. I feel as if my life has stopped. Don't get me wrong, I still "live" or whatever that is now, but I am stuck on that first day when it comes to Nathan. With the phone call...with the news, with my numbness, with the million questions to "why" and doubting everything, I have rooted my faith to make me the person I am today.

It's not the same...I am not the same, and I am stuck. I can't move forward. I feel like I can't cause when I do, I get this anxiety that makes me choke up, and I can no longer breathe. Not even my medication can help with it.

I miss him so much every day. I hate the fact that I can't be the person I was...I can't cause he is not here. I think I felt it worse on Mother's Day. My kids are great; they bought me flowers, and Starbucks and I love every moment with them, but I was still missing that call or text from Nathan. The one where he would give me a summary of the many reasons why I was the best mom ever...and why he never gave up, and why he always fought to move forward. He did it because I did it. Because I showed him not to give up...take a break but never give up.

I wish I could give myself that advice...but I can't. Not now.