#retail is a huge part of me hating any ‘major’ holiday

[reddeads]

anyone else not vibe with chr*stm*s

[thekitschdiet]

the kitsch diet part II

part one alr posted!! this chunk is about 3,000~ words long... let me know what u think :-) thank u all for all the luv already!!! looks like I really will hit 31 followers by easter!!!!!!!!

  Who is the Kitsch Girl? 

 I think this is more loosely defined, but The Chic Diet did a truly admirable way of reducing a girl to her YSL bag and her really skinny legs. Now, that implies an archetype, or a population in a specific location. I think kitschness is kind of the niche you fill when you’re not really much of anything else, sort of your own conglomerate of mainstream-specific. One major requirement, though, is being a little too into something somewhat uncool. And the whole illusion falls apart if you have any sort of outward insecurity. See, the Kitsch Girl is somewhat undefinable because she is so much of everything. She exists in multitudes, in a way that is also quite simple to understand; think of a list of axioms, or principles to live by. And now add a section to each one that says “but…” to make a collection of verified exceptions. Say, the kitsch girl will never wear jeans. But she thrifted this pair of vintage flares she just loves. She doesn’t reply to texts efficiently, but sometimes she will within a couple seconds. No mascara, no dinner forks, candles are to be collected not burned; but that was a gift, or something. It’s not personal, of course, those are just the contradictions she exists in. Don’t try to understand it, the enigma is essential to the facade. Or maybe she just lives like this, and her character is so homogenous with her inner world there’s no sense in trying to separate it. You have to have a little bit of an individuality complex about the whole ordeal, which is normally so eugh, but if you’re kitschy enough it works on you. Trust!The Kitsch girl is not someone unlikeable, but amiable and well heeled. I double checked that last one, assuming it meant liked by most, but apparently means affluent. I suppose that is an aspect of the kitsch girl too, having seemingly endless frivolous expenses with no real strain, but that’s not important right now. People that don’t like her think so out of jealousy, or something. Envious that her clothes are all kind of shake-it-up-esque and her highlights desperately need touching up, but she still seems so enthralled with the whole of life… How does she enjoy her own company so much when other people want to know her better? Doesn’t she feel weird about blowing people off to make a joke about reading Kafka in the bath? Why would she document her cluttered, unexciting life on Instagram so delicately, so vibrantly? Of course, no one would say this to her face because they are really baseless claims. She’s nice, generous, and valuable to have as a friend. Trade-offs exist, as they do with anyone. But I like thinking it’s easier to overlook a forgotten birthday when your kitschy best friend gave you a multi strand pearl necklace to celebrate the welcome breeze of June. Or some other made-up holiday. She is so unassuming if you’re not really looking. Girls want in on her inner circle. Or they just don’t care. Nothing wrong with being liked or thought of naught, for the most part. Boys are either enthralled or repulsed by her. Her doctor knows her as something of a hypochondriac, but only minorly. It’s just carpal tunnel, don’t worry… The sales staff at CVS turn a blind eye when she slips an eyeliner pencil into her tote bag. She shoplifts on occasion, just to see if she still knows how. But she is not a shoplifter. $9 here and $6.45 there doesn’t really add up to much. Everywhere she goes, she makes a tertiary friend or two. The term of friend is loosely used here, of course. But it is nice to tell a stranger you like her earrings. Or her phone case is so fun, is it Wildflower? The kitsch girl has an eye for this kind of detail. Simply put, she is sort of unspectacular. But in a way that makes you sort of wish you knew her better.

Phone cases

The phone case is, like, religious for the kitsch girl. Sorry, but there’s just no other accessory as flippant and expensive and single-purpose as a trendy little iPhone case with some semitacky stickers plastered over the design. I used to have an iPhone XS- extrasmall-  with like, 18 phone cases. It was kind of a sordid affair. I jest, but really… owning that many phone cases was kind of sick. We get it, you are frivolous and spontaneous and sooo stylish! Stop posting mirror selfies on your Instagram story, your crush isn’t going to see it. Kidding again. Having an extensive collection of phone cases is just so fun because while attainable, most people just simply do not partake in it. That makes you kitschy and unique. I really thought I had more to say about the IDEA of the phone case, but I guess in practice it is all very, very simple. You can slide your driver’s license in the back of a clear case. At what point does it stop being cool to have legal operational control of a vehicle? I don’t display mine because I don’t really like the photo. I look round. In the eyes but also just in general, swollen, unglamorous. Whatever. Not like I drive a Nissan or anything. I drive my *Mom’s* Nissan. Playing Bladee in the car seems sacrilegious. She would hate it.Back to phone cases. Sonix ones are cute but kind of overpriced retail- unless you have like, an iPhone 12 Pro Max or whatever the fuck is new this year, just go to Winner’s. They always have Xs and 11 cases. I had a cherry one for my previous phone, like the exact one Lana Del Rey had? Thank god I sold it before she got outed as a copfucker or whatever. Casetify is for an inadvertent flex. Flexing your lame, lame taste. Sorry, I know you bought it because you liked it, but what you failed to consider is just how un-Kitsch they are. SO common, and they advertise on Instagram. Sorry, I just can’t get into it! Kind of how I just never liked the Brandy Amara tanks. Or lowtop converse. Otterbox is just distressing. Like, if my boyfriend gave me an otterbox phone case I would probably break up with him because somebody clearly isn’t paying attention- one of my favorite, potentially overused joke is how Otterbox cases are the equivalent of orthopedic insoles. Sorry but if you have poor arch support or whatever, but no pain is worth giving up a good pair of Margiela slingback tabi heels. Obviously I couldn’t afford that right now because all loose income goes directly to Wildflower and my cig boy. But like, one day. I hope you want to punch me in the face a little bit after reading that.  If Wildflower isn’t your thing, at least have the decency to get a beaded phone strap. But not from String Ting. Pray tell you aren’t keeping score, but they are one of my several parasocial enemies. That should have been ME collaborating with Wildflower! Should have been ME mailing shit to Caroline Calloway (more on her later, but she is the only blue check I follow. I adore her! I was on her patreon for a bit I thinkl!!) …. Side note. Phone cases are cute but there is no way to properly protect your laptop without looking just absurd or colossally lame. The foam sleeves… ick.

Having the shittiest music taste ever

So like, here’s the thing. I’m an Apple Music user, which sort of reinstates my status as an unironic My Bloody Valentine Hyperpop Death Grips kinda gal. Read; volcel. My most recent conquest ended up being a huge L on my part, but also… I totally dodged a bullet. The guy had an iPhone 11 (female trait) and didn’t know who Rei Brown was, which just seemed suspicious given his Niche. I just know he had a “making out playlist” comprising entirely of like, Joji. Which isn’t a bad thing I guess but so unembarrassing it horseshoes back to being humiliating.Like I said. Having the worst music taste. It’s nice how subjective and deeply personal your music taste can be; no one really Needs to know you’re a die hard drainer. But there’s also no point in being a die-hard drainer and Not capitalizing off it somehow. I added it up and I have well over 150 hours of just Bladee and Yung Lean. Which is so yass? The more I write, using myself as a case study, I realize just how desperately jobless I am. And Yogenfruz isn’t even hiring! UGH!I think there is something very kitschy about liking hyperpop in the least ironic, least obnoxious way. Sort of feeds into a “I’m not like other girls” thing, but I mean… That’s kind of the idea of kitsch, isn’t it? Be a little different but also the very same as your lipgloss brethren?!Side note. If you make monthly playlists I am genuinely kind of afraid of you. That is just so organized!! I just make playlists with esoteric titles and then make a new one when I’m sick of the stuff on the last. I have exhausted most genres but I think my favorite is the “I’m wearing f****ng air forces and my teeth are SO white”. Guess what genre it is. Or don’t, but it’s probably what you think is. Okay, moving on….

Curating a scent

I like thinking I smell like mango and peach, Glossier you, whatever citrus is in that Lush shower jelly and mint 5Gum. But of course it is probably less distinct and just kind of generally fruit-floral-mint. Anyway. I think Glossier You is the perfect scent for anyone with a rather elementary understanding of the whole.. Perfume business. Every bottle of intentional fragrance I own was made via aesthetic choices… it really helps that Glossier You is so cute And so universal. Now, Glossier is kind of interesting to me because it really is at the intersection of cheugy and kitsch. Kind of basic, overplayed, unspectacular. But also…. Often popular things are popular because they are good. Glossier has excellent customer suurv, they ship SO fast (and no import duties! W!) and their stuff is just so sweet and nice if not unoriginal, in kind of the same way strawberry ice cream is. Which is still my favorite, of course, especially if there’s a vegan option. I was talking about Glossier. What the hell! It’s really worth trying out. A huge principle of kitsch is just… having as many possible layers and appendages to your composure as possible. And adding a signature scent just really completes that! When curating your own, I say this as a complete amateur, know-nothing; make it something that comes kind of naturally to Your Character. Like, I’m just not a Chanel No 5 kind of girl. Odds are you aren’t either. My bottle (before she asked for it back when I told her I didn’t use it, in exchange for a Nordstrom’s gift card) was from my grandmother. Ummm.. Yeah, I really have no expertise in curating a scent. But it is nice to have a signature. And having a bottle displayed on your dresser next to your aughties McDonald milkshake themed beanie baby and a handful of lip products is just way too fun! This is the kind of girl I am, everyone! Cluttered, but prioritizing pretty-delicate things!

Cheugyism

Cheugy is a relatively new word that has unfortunately wormed into my vocabulary to replace “uncouth”. Which I use to mean graceless or tacky, but if that isn’t what it means…. Don’t tell me. That would hurt more than weighing myself after a “feast” slash pastry binge at my dear Grandmothe’s house. Like I was saying. Cheugy. It’s sort of a fucked up concept to me because it is a critique on consumption, but not the pace or volume or magnitude of it. But rather… the idea of not being “good” enough at engaging in microtrends, or involvement in the fast paced fashion cycle. Don’t get me started on TikTok, or do, but… yeah,. No. That will require a cigarette because I’m so sorry, but writing a thinkpiece on social media is so lowbrow I would need to find about six ways to aesthetically counteract it…. Moving on.  I think the idea of cheugy is good, we really do need a word to simply and efficiently define “out of date/uninspired/lame”. But the way it is used to shame others for not liking the same trends or whatever is kind of gross. If you use cheugyism to put other people down and not as a neutral identifier umm… you will become what you fear. Sorry, that’s what happens. Some things that I think are cheugy or embarrassing, or just not part of my stylistic lexicon are… 1. Hooded or zip up clothing, or things with a large graphic on the back. Bingo if it's all three! I just can’t get behind it. Side note, my summer home outfit is brandy sweats and a tube top (Urban Outfitters tank I ripped the straps off) and a large cardigan that should have belonged to a stoner, but probably didn’t. I can dunk on bulky, uninspired clothes because I would honest to God NEVER be caught DEAD out of the house wearing any of it. I’m so serious. Next segment should be about the kitsch girl’s inadvertent affinity for diuretics. Remind me….. One of the ports of my laptop is dead. Not really sure what to do about that.

Eye makeup and what it means to me….

Personally, I am one of those people who never wears foundation and kind of has a complex about it. The kitsch girl wears fluffy eyelashes and owns a plethora of sparkly eyeliner. Or maybe she doesn’t, but she has something distinct and a little ritzy, if not haphazard. We all saw Euphoria and it like, totally imprinted on us. The way glitter sits on your face after a long day is so resplendent. When it’s shining and a little bit melted off from your long, semi-productive day… ugh! Just made for film. Pictures on film. But not the Prequel app. I keep getting fucking ads for it. But it’s so embarrassing. Like, isn’t the whole point of film the authenticity of the moment? The texture of the afternoon? Why would you fabricate that? Prequel is just so cheugy. More on that later. But anyhow. Wearing a ton of eye makeup kind of fits with the idea of film too I think. Like, look at you, in the moment. With your strip lash falling off! It’s all so tres-chic. Plus, for whatever reason, it’s kind of unique or notably dedicated to ~Pull up to the function~ with more eye makeup on than everyone else. Sorry, but it really doesn’t take that long! But yes I will gracefully accept your praise… it’s kind of like the dropshipping of complements if you think about it. Easy to source with little to no effort in the curating. Side note, lashes are like $20 for 40 weeks if you cut them in half and use each pair about 5 times. You could probably do more but I lose track. How the fuck is it almost June? I was trudging through the snow to check the mail for my Online Ceramics shirt just last week, I swear. The trick to cutting your lashes (the way I do it anyway) is pretty simple. Get out two lashes that are symmetrical. Find the middle and cut one slightly to the left and one slightly to the right. This means you have two sets (one set is a little more dramatic than the other but at least they are symmetrical) with longer outer edges. Glue this to the outer corner of your eye and you will look so Composed… obsessed with how this layers with three eyeliner tails (one traditional one pointing up and one pointing down directly below it, sort of like the tail light on a 2019 Lexus UX) and one below your eye, like a clown. Fun, irrelevant fact, is the first time I added this third tail to my eye makeup, my dad had just gotten home from the hospital because he was sure he had like appendicitis or something and it was actually.. Not that. Typical indie hypochondriac. He made me bring him cottage cheese on a plate with a teaspoon that evening. I put black pepper on it for flair, which he hated. Walking up and down stairs with a plate of cottage cheese is much more imprinting than most of the multiplication tables. Don’t forget to use a bright shimmer eyeshadow in your inner corner. It really opens up your eyes. I recommend Too Faced.  One time I got a little bit too high and tried to film an “editorial” makeup tutorial. You will never, ever, ever see that video. But I essentially covered my whole eyelid in the ABH shadow “palermo” and smudged out the edges with a tan Tartelette Toasted shade, coupled with my long-expired Milk Makeup holographic stick. Lopsided lashes and near-blinding eyeliner experience aside, it was kind of cool. My point is, you really cannot go wrong with an arsenal of shimmers, taupey mattes and a good eyeliner pen.

[schoe1995]

Solo Traveling

I’ll first start off by saying and acknowledging that I do come from a well household. My mom runs her own dry cleaners and my dad works at a hospital for computer programming. Wasn’t like that always. In elementary school, I had classmates leave school to go on vacation. Super jealous that they went because I hated being in school 🤣🤣🤣 so the few times I could go on vacation was during like the major breaks or holidays. As I got older and family tensions increased, i began traveling with other people. Let’s just say after a series of not knowing other people’s personalities, cliques, and plus ones....I called it quits with group traveling. It’s a huge part of why my extroverted personality changed to more of an introvert/ extrovert. Since I have my own money, why not travel by myself.

I’ll talk about the cons of traveling solo first.

It can be very expensive: even if you do go with a group...be prepared to shell out a couple of dollars depending on where your going, staying, and activities

Have to be more aware of the surroundings: there has been a couple of times I’ve been exhausted because I was trying to be more aware of what’s going on. I have to watch my own back without relaying on somebody.

It can be scary: not going to lie...the day of trips I get really bad anxiety that I kinda want to throw up. Scratch that, I have thrown up. For example, when I went to D.C, I wasn’t worried about Lyft or Uber because my big bro was picking me up. However other airports....I have no idea where lyft or Uber would pick me up. Certain airports like O’Hare Chicago airport has two levels. One is for traditional friend/ family pick up. The other level is for rideshares. Ever since that mess I decided to look up airports ahead of time and look at maps for where to find the designated area. Helps a lot of stress out.

Benefits of solo traveling

Lollllll there wasn’t a whole lot of cons. Granted not everyone is going to have the same experience as me. So this is all from my personal experience.

Planning can be fun: When you travel alone, YOU are in charge of everything. I’m every pop culture orientated so I’m looking for the best spots for photos, food, shopping, etc. it’s the millennial (probably spelled it wrong) in me.

Moving at my own pace: so this was the best part for me. I’m a huge theme park junky! When I went to Orlando with my parents back in 2017 we did Disney World all in one day. Yes it can be possible to visit all 4 parks in one day😂 but that trip in general had the most arguments I had with my mom. She basically complained about all the walking we had to do. Also couldn’t watch fireworks. Everything was so rushed that back in 2019, I did a redo Disney World trip. Oh! I’ll definitely be doing a multi part blog for that. So when you travel by yourself you don’t have to deal with “I don’t want to do this!” “Why we going here?” Less arguments...PERIODT

Moving at your own time: this kinda goes with your own pace. I’m a huge HUGE be on time person. One of my sayings is “If your early, ya on time. If your on time, ya late. If your late...don’t bother showing up”. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves when people aren’t on time. Idk if it’s just Asians but Asian people AINT NEVER ON TIME FOR ANYTHING! So you have free reign with time.

Flexibility: This was one of the things I found super awesome when it came to solo trips. My schedule to travel had so much flexibility. And since I was working in retail, I could do what I want...per say. If my days weren’t approved I’d still go on this trip🤣 but I found traveling during the off season for holidays or non busy or non important seasons were a lot cheaper. That’s what I kinda wanted to make up for; not being able to travel when I was younger and leaving school to go 🤣 now that I can...✌️

No cliques: personality wise, I describe myself as a walking tv show. So picture every Disney show, Nickelodeon, and VH1 reality shows all in one person. I really don’t fit into a mold so I call it an outsider habit. I thought I’d get super lonely when traveling alone but oddly...I’m more comfortable with it. There is this no judgement zone when traveling alone. When I went to Universal Studio with my parents, it was “why do you want to buy this” or “how old are you?” First of all...you can never be too old of anything:) This might be a con for others, so it all depends🤷‍♂️ besides with technology I’m able to FaceTime, Live Stream, record things I want others to see. Ha! This is what this blog is for!

In no way shape or form am I throwing shade to group trips. I call those experiences that helped shape my travel knowledge. I’m always grateful for that. But the couple solo travel tips I’ll give is this.

Research! I can’t stress this enough. Knowing where you are going can save so much hassle. If your traveling internationally know where your country embassy is just in case. Second, the culture of the city or country. Being knowledgeable can help avoid any cultural ignorance, stereotypes.

Flights: alright flights can be very touchy subject. I usually find great deals with Southwest when they offer sales. Sometimes buying two - one way tickets is cheaper than round trip. They also offer two free checked bags, one carry one, and one personal items. If Southwest is a little out of your budget, don’t worry! Other airlines have great prices. I use Google Flights.

Train: if your destination is a couple hours away, I’d suggest taking Amtrak. Believe it or not Amtrak depending on what city you go too have awesome deals. If you follow them on Instagram they have beautiful photos of scenic railways. When I was younger I had a huge obsession with trains. I had every train from Thomas The Tank Engine. 😂 anyways, trains also have dining cars, and sleeping cars. Some have observation decks so you can do a 360* of the surroundings

Car: I put this last for transportation. Believe it or not, traveling by car may sound cost efficient but it’s really not. Just from my personal experience from driving to Branson Missouri, Tennessee, Chicago. There is gas you have to pay and hotels can charge a ridiculous amount for overnight parking x the amount of nights your staying. WHEW CHILEEEE THE MESS!

Hotels & location: This is the boujee side of me. I like to be comfortable after a day of riding rides or exploring. Just being able to act like this is my home for the time being. I usually use Bookings.com, Trivago.com, etc. to find the best one. Use filters if you need to find exactly what you need. When I travel to concerts, I try finding hotels close to the venue. That way I’m not paying extra for lyft, Uber, or taxis. BTW, don’t ever take taxis after concerts. Such a rip off...idk if there is a law that prevents them for jacking up their prices.

Air BnB’s: So I found this to be half and half. Sometimes it’s less expensive sometimes...not so much. Air BnB is pretty much either paying for a room or whole house for a certain amount of days. My big bro introduced me to it when we went to LA. I used it on my road trip to LA with a “friend” who is no longer a friend. But it was more of other situations I don’t really use. Honestly after seeing videos of how people were being racist to other guests, that was a major turn off to me. Second I had a friend who posted a conversation of a Air BnB host who tried to play her. Yes the app does have host ratings and reviews but there are so many fees and rules that it’s like, I might as well pay for the hotel. Again it’s totally up to you but staying at a random strangers house....Issa no dawg if I’m traveling by myself.

BUDGETING IS CRUCIAL!! Anytime I go anywhere I budget how much I’m spending. So with that being said, I get all information from attractions I want to go see, restaurants, ride share, everything. You don’t have to be so exact like me but it certainly helps me to know exactly how much I’m spending. Lol

Oh!!!! Sign up for reward programs at any restaurant you eat, shops you shop, or hotels! I do it all the time because for a lot of reward programs just by signing up you get a freebie. So why not take advantage of it.

So I wrote this blog up at like 5:30AM in the morning 🤣🤣🤣😭 I know I’m in for a struggle. But I decided to do this blog post because I was just going through my social media of all the travels I did. I really hope it does help you guys out a lot.

[chochmah-binah-daas]

The months since elul 5777 has been a hugely transitional time for me for so many reasons. I’ve been meaning to write about this since, well, late elul, early tishrei but I never had the energy to do so. I broke this up into chunks for easier reading but this is still quite an essay…

I know this is long but please like if you read even a part of this and if you have any insights or advice to offer me, my askbox is open and I’d love some support of any kind!!

Children

I always wrote off the idea of having children, even to the point of being one of those people who thought it was funny to be somewhat hostile towards kids. I did have some legitimate reasons for this, mostly sensory issues, being that I’m autistic and am sensitive to many sensory experiences; however, most of it was me just stubbornly holding onto a general distaste for children. Through the course of my retail job, I found myself more and more warming up to the kids who came into the store to the point where I would go out of my way to make faces and wave at babies at the expense of doing my actual job (not to worry, my job was literally completely ineffective). As I realized just after the High Holy Days began, I didn’t just not hate children anymore, I liked them. I actively like and desire to have children now.

If someone had asked me if I really thought I never wanted kids, I would pretty adamantly say I didn’t, though sometimes I’d admit that I could see myself maybe adopting one child in the future. Now it actively pains me that I don’t have children. Plural. Children. My only image of my future self is me, happily married and raising at least 3 or 4 good Jewish children.

I’m only 23 so I know that I’m not expected by secular society to have kids but seeing my more observant Jewish cousins around my age pursuing marriage really gets me down a lot of the time. I want nothing more right now than to marry a nice gay Jewish man and adopt a few kids. This leads me to my next sections…

Career goals

I never settled on one single thing I wanted to do with my life. I was one of those kids who, probably due to being autistic, was always getting deeply invested in something and then flitting off to another after a couple months. For the last year or two I did have a decent idea in my head that I wanted to get a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree and work in a library or archive. I’m good at that kind of work. It allows me to be quiet and a bit neurotic about my workstation because I’d largely be working alone, away from the general public and most of my coworkers.

After my graduation, my mom and grandma suggested that I consider going to law school. I agreed to at least take the LSAT, which I will be doing in February and oy am I nervous!! My mom, who went to law school, says that she thinks I’d be great at it, that my mind is so well-suited to that type of thinking. I don’t disagree with her but I also can’t imagine myself doing anything with a law degree.

In fact, I can’t imagine myself doing anything in the future. People think I’m joking, but I really do just want to marry someone with a steady, well-paying job and be a house-spouse. I have a deep passion for learning but I have no passion for an actual career that comes along with any path of study. In a perfect world where my mental illness didn’t destroy my ability to read, I would love to go get an MLIS and/or a law degree. I’d even consider going to a yeshiva and studying Torah, Talmud, contemporary Jewish issues, all that. But once I’m out of school, I have no clue what I’d do besides sit at home with all that knowledge swirling around in my head.

Education is never a waste in my opinion, but also formal education is expensive and I’d never be able to afford it without having a prospective career in my future to provide the income for paying off the student loans.

Gender

I never understood the concept of gender. All I know is what language I’m comfortable with, how I like dressing, and what I want my body to be. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I medically transitioned through hormones, chest surgery, and a hysterectomy. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am now legally male with a traditionally male name. On most days, I enjoy wearing skirts though I do occasionally choose to wear pants. I could never be cis-passing unless I stuck with wearing pants all the time, which would make me very uncomfortable. If you asked me to get dressed without thinking about it at all, my first choice would be to throw on a skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan. It’s comfortable, psychologically and sensory.

None of this changed during elul 5777; what did change was how my gender and my Judaism were connected. Before, they weren’t. Now, I am working on becoming shomer tznius which involved a major overhaul of my wardrobe, particularly the skirts and dresses. I got rid of almost all of my short and revealing articles unless they could be easily layered and bought a lot of long skirts, three quarter sleeve shirts, cardigans, and other tznius layering essentials.

When it comes to my religious observance, I mix and match though I do mostly connect with the mitzvos for men. In shul and at home, I prefer not to light the shabbos candles if there is a woman who would be able to do it instead. I wear tallis and tefillin to daven and I leyn torah. But I also enjoy occasionally wearing a tichel and being the one who cooks for shabbos, plus the aforementioned movement towards being shomer tznius.

Religious observance

I currently attend, and work for, a Reform shul. I adore my community and the rabbi there. It’s such a loving and supportive community with a small but fantastic group of regulars at Torah study. I’m fortunate in that my community has no problem with the way I present myself. They accept me as a queer Jew who expresses their queerness and their Jewishness in a unique way. But I worry about how other Jewish communities might react towards me, especially since I can see myself being much more observant than I currently am.

Ideally, I would have a kosher kitchen and fully observe shabbos. I would live close enough to walk to shul and I would make sure to raise my children with a strong Jewish identity, and of course a Jewish education. I don’t know if I could have that kind of life while being involved in a Reform community, largely because they don’t tend to celebrate every holiday and also when they do, it can be too lax for my tastes. For example, even in the winter our shabbos services don’t start until 6 or 7 PM, a solid 2 or so hours after shabbos actually begins.

As a queer Jew, who is very obviously gender nonconforming, I don’t know how I would fit into a more traditional community that would probably be more regimented in its separation of genders into a binary. I wear tallis and tefillin when I daven but I would be seen as a woman by some men so I would be immediately singled out as an other. I do wear skirts but I also have a deep voice and facial hair (and my name is Zack) so I’m automatically too male for women-only spaces. Not that I feel entitled to men- or women-only spaces, but I do fear how I could become more observant, when doing so tends to mean an increase in that kind of separation.

Relationships

This is probably the trickiest and most personal portion of this whole shpiel. I’m currently… somewhat in a relationship, I guess? When I transferred to HSU, I thought I was aromantic-asexual and I have since realized that I am neither of those and now identify as someone generally attracted to men. But soon after starting at HSU, I met someone else who identifies as aro-ace and we became really close friends, hanging out all the time in one of our dorm rooms. They were in a non-romantic, queer-platonic relationship with two people and suddenly, they started including me in this relationship. I didn’t mind this so much at the beginning but the more I come to understand my identity and my vague goals and dreams for the future, the more I realize that I just can’t go where I want to go in life and be tied to this relationship.

I know that the longer this goes on, the worse it will be to break it off but I’m terrified to do so, for various reasons I don’t want to get into here. As I said earlier, I want to marry a Jewish guy and have Jewish kids and live a Jewish life. I obviously can’t do that in a household with two pagans and a Catholic, none of whom want kids at all. I know I’m probably becoming one of Those Converts who gets super zealous about Judaism and defensive of their Jewishness but over the last year or so, and especially since elul, I have had this image in my head that I just can’t shake. And that image doesn’t include the people I currently feel tied down to.

[haulix]

You'll never have it all figured out (and that's okay)

If there's one thing I've learned through my time in the music industry, it's that I'll never have it all figured out.

When I first started writing about music, I didn't really care about getting paid. I cared about making connections in the music industry and building a portfolio. I had a lot to say and I wanted to say it, so I started a music blog. Then, for the entirety of my junior year of college, I wrote a weekly column for the school paper spotlighting different local musicians. At the end of the semester, I got a (small) check- enough to have some fun over the holidays- and I was sure I was on track to becoming a successful journalist.

Suddenly, graduation was looming and I didn't have any full-time job prospects in the music industry. If I couldn't get a full-time job after graduation, would I have any place in the industry at all? I ended up going on tour for six months almost immediately, which was hard work but a dream come true. When I got home I didn't have any plans and felt pressured to seek stability, so I took an office job outside of the music industry.

I hated that job from day one, and broke down crying on the way home from my first day. I felt stifled and like I didn't belong; my coworkers didn't care about my passion for music and with the expectation of regular overtime and corporate event work, I had no time or energy to pursue the things I actually wanted to do.

I sunk into depression, and after just two months at the job I took a leave of absence to get proper help. I didn't want to ever go back to that job so I started applying for positions in the music industry. No one was responding to my applications, until the day before my very last day of treatment. I had a phone interview for a part-time beat writer position for a major website. The interviewer offered me the gig at the end of our phone call, and when we hung up I emailed my boss to tell him I quit.

When I got that opportunity, I felt like someone was looking down on me. Someone was going to pay me to write about and photograph music, and it was for an outlet where I had a chance at landing some pretty major coverage! The gig wasn't full time so I worked other jobs- tutoring, babysitting, dog walking and pet sitting- to fill in the gaps, but I didn't mind, because doing these things allowed me to do the one thing I actually cared about.

Over the next year and a half I got to do some incredible things, like cover big festivals and interview plenty of rising stars. I photographed one of the biggest popstars in the world at a stadium full of tens of thousands of people; the two other photographers there that night were men twice my age, and as a 23-year-old woman I felt on top of the world, and completely unstoppable. If I could do this, I could do anything.

Of course, life still threw things at me. I got in a car accident- I wasn't hurt, but my car would need expensive repairs- and then my phone broke. I emailed my boss at the pet sitting company to tell him I wouldn't be reachable while out walking dogs, and when I refreshed my inbox, there was an email from my boss at the outlet I was writing for: I had lost my status, and therefore my pay, as a beat writer. The company was restructuring and reprioritizing how they handled editorial content, and would no longer be paying beat writers as they had been.

I was crushed. I wasn't ready to stop writing about and photographing music, but if my writing and photography were no longer worth it to the outlet, were they worth anything at all? For years it was all I wanted and when I lost the first major opportunity I had, I questioned if it was worth it. I'd put so much time and energy into writing and photography, and formed so much of my identity around it, but suddenly the payoff was gone. I couldn't imagine doing anything outside of music, but all of a sudden I didn't know what my place was in it.

In a time where I felt lost and completely confused, music was what I needed most of all. I continued to run my blog and two weeks after I lost the beat writer position, I did an interview and photoshoot that reignited my passion, and reminded me why I cared about doing this in the first place. The artist was down-to-earth, incredibly open and willing to get deep in his answers. I started working retail around this time, which sucked, but I continued my writing and photography efforts in hopes of more interviews and photoshoots like that one.

In January of last year, I realized how much I missed being on tour. I reached out to a nonprofit I'd previously toured with and with less than two weeks notice, packed my bags and left for four months. I loved every second of it and halfway through the tour, got an email that I was hired to work for them on Warped Tour that summer.

Getting a job on Warped Tour had been a huge goal of mine for years, and I almost couldn't believe I was finally doing it. It wasn't until I got my laminate on the first day that it actually felt real. Over the summer I reached thousands of people about a cause that's very important to me; I learned a lot about myself, touring, and the music industry; I met some lifelong friends; and I even got to see my favorite band several times. My body hurt and I was always sweaty; at the end of the tour I was exhausted but immensely proud of myself for surviving- and thriving- on such a difficult tour. Warped Tour was the best thing I have ever done.

I had every intention of returning to Warped Tour this summer- I was even offered a promotion and a raise- but sometimes life doesn't care about our intentions. While traveling over the holidays my right knee started to hurt. I'd had three previous knee surgeries and when I went to see my orthopedist, I had assumed he'd tell me there was nothing to worry about, but from a quick examination, he was pretty sure I had torn my ACL again. He ordered an MRI to make sure, but told me I'd most likely need surgery and wouldn't be able to do Warped Tour.

For a month and a half, I didn't tell anyone about my knee. I wasn't sure what was wrong and I wasn't sure when and if I'd need surgery, so aside from some very close friends, I kept it to myself. When I found out I would for sure need surgery, I was devastated. I didn't want to go through months of physical therapy and I didn't want to- and couldn't afford to- take several weeks off work (I had two jobs: one in retail, and one in the office of a music video promo company).

I told my boss in the office that I would be out for a few weeks, and I called my bosses at the nonprofit to tell them I wouldn't be able to do Warped Tour. I felt like I was letting them down and I felt like I was letting myself down by not being able to return. They were completely understanding but talking to them made it feel real, and I cried the whole drive home. Warped Tour was such a major goal for me and to not be able to return was crushing. My entire work and financial situation was up in the air: I wasn't sure if I'd be able to work for the music video promo company from home, I certainly wouldn't be in shape to work retail for a month or more after surgery, and I wouldn't have the job on tour.

But then the very next day, I got a call from one of my bosses at the nonprofit, asking if I was interested in a temporary administrative job helping to organize volunteers and local reps at concerts around the country, and find new tours to partner with and sponsor. I would be working from home part-time, and wouldn't have to skip a beat after surgery. I immediately accepted, and quit my retail job.

Recovering from my fourth knee surgery hasn't been easy. I couldn't drive for three weeks so I was pretty much stuck at home. I'm a very extroverted person and when I wasn't able to socialize, I became very lonely. I was also in a lot of pain. Even when I could walk without crutches or a knee brace, it hurt to stand or walk for more than a few minutes. I couldn't go grocery shopping and I didn't have the energy to go photograph concerts. I was certainly in no place to be on tour.

I've been diligent with my physical therapy since day one and in May, I started feeling the slightest bit better. I felt strong enough to- with my doctor's permission, and while wearing a knee brace- return to the photo pit. It felt so good to be back, and while it may be a cliché, you certainly don't know what you have until it's gone.

I have two jobs that I love right now, as well as my blog and occasional freelance work, but I still don't feel like I have things all figured out. I used to look at people older and more established in the industry and assume that they had it all figured out, but I'm starting to realize that they don't either. And honestly? That's so reassuring. I used to feel so inadequate because I didn't have things all figured out, but now that I know no one else does either, I don't feel so bad about it. Life- and the music industry- hits us all in different ways. I've come to the realization that I'll never have things all figured out, but finally that's starting to feel okay.

Molly Hudelson is a career music journalist. She is the founder of Circles and Soundwaves, one of our absolutely favorite music blogs, and she constantly doing her best to encourage the next generation of music professionals to find their own course through this crazy industry. We highly recommend you follow her on Twitter.

[deckmaniacs]

The good and the bad of Modern Masters 2017

By Sean Bartlett

Once again Wizard's fling open the concert hall doors, rolling out the red carpet for the latest star of the Magic world to strut in its heels and make the paparazzi fight for the best shots. Modern Masters 2017 is undeniably a powerful set, with genuinely excellent reprints and far less chaff that previous instalments (looking at you Modern Masters 2015). Rather than explaining to you all why a reprint of Liliana of the Veil is a great thing or how reprinting Tarmogoyf will do absolutely nothing to its price in the long term whilst Magic players continue the tradition of price knowledge that infests the majority of high value modern and legacy cards, I would rather discuss two positives and two negatives this set and all sets like it will offer to the FNM level player.

Reprinting Uncommon Staples

Every store needs its employees to actually make the business run. We can herald the store as a whole (this would be your mythic reprints) for opening more stores to help with demand but it's the workforce behind those stores that keep them truly afloat. Modern Masters 2017 reprints for uncommons are a slew of quality and needed staples for a vast majority of decks:

These types of cards are the glue that holds decks together. Playing white in Modern without a playset of Path to Exile for example just isn't possible as there aren't any replacements for cards like these. Inquisition of Kozilek is one of the premium hand disruption spells alongside Thoughtseize and continues to be heavily used black staple. Token builds (if they still exist) need Intangible Virtue and Lingering Souls to even be remotely competitive, with certain Abzan lists even needing the latter.

Whether sideboard cards or main deck four-ofs, spells like these are important role-players and many decks cannot function without them. If my money has to go anywhere in this set, it will be picking up playsets of cards like these to expand my deck building potential in the future. Uncommons can be surprisingly difficult to find, as rares tend to be jammed into every trade binder you find, and most commons are usually filler cards for drafting purposes with a low price tag. Some of these uncommons push more than £10 a single, which is ludicrous for a card that is used just for filling a typical role in that colour. Knowing that some of these cards will lower in value definitely helps newer modern players take the plunge and pick up playsets at their cheapest, which can only be seen as a good thing.

Help the Inevitable Modern Summer Push

Those who are no strangers to Modern know the inevitable increase in prices of Modern cards that take place towards the Summer holidays, with huge tournaments in Las Vegas celebrating the format annually (with this Summer being no exception). Many seasoned players will be looking to compete in various modern events over the Summer and will be buying cards to finish their decks. This means that prices for Modern cards tend to rise during this period with the increase of demand. If this set does its job well, we should be seeing some of these price hikes for many staples not be so restricting to those on a budget. With additional cards in circulation the benefits are obvious; more players can get these cards and therefore increase the popularity of the format. Simple and concise design.

The health of Modern as a format continues to be a incredibly subjective topic for a variety of players, with genuine concerns about the stability and growth for a format that fluctuates so much. Modern Masters continues to be a step in the right direction.

Eternal Reprint Sets Are Too Damn Expensive

There is no way to sugar coat this Wizards; why on earth are we expected to pay nearly £10 for a single booster pack when Modern Masters by design is suppose to give newer and more budget oriented players the chance to take part in an otherwise financially restrictive format. I get that the majority of these reprints maintain a secondary market value and you don't want to upset a portion of your player base by making their Scalding Tarns worth far less than before the reprint, but surely the secondary market is irrelevant unless it's directly affecting the Reserved List. I at least understand why that list exists because those cards are the collector 'staples' and owning them is the dream by many players. These cards are not on that list however; every single player getting into a new format is expected to buy 4-12 Fetchlands in order to compete realistically. How on earth does a recommended retail price of £10 in any circumstance help these players you're trying to draw in.  If someone already knows the Modern format and already knows what cards they need, surely they'll be using the secondary market to purchase those cards regardless. Outside of booster boxes with the intention of opening a ton of packs in the hopes of breaking even or simply to draft a new and exciting set.

Take a look at a previous example of pushing high value reprints; Fetchlands in Khans of Tarkir and Fate Reforged. Absolutely nothing negative came out reprinting those cards and Khans was sold so heavily because of them that these Fetchlands are relatively cheap to get playsets of. There are a multitude of players who play modern now that we’re able to because of this reprint, and the format was wonderfully diverse in Standard because of them (until Collected Company ruined everything anyway).

I get that regardless of my rantings, Modern Masters 2017 will sell exceptionally well, especially being a print-to-demand set unlike previous instalments. The card quality is going to draw people in and people will pay the premium, I just personally don't believe a counterproductive price tag like this does the playerbase (something you really should be listening to Wizards) any favours. Cut down the price set by at least half and then you'll see the format grow like it deserves too.

Affecting Standard's Place as the Introductory Format

This criticism is more based on the importance of introducing new players into the game over the long term. Wizards claim on their website that:

'Standard is a dynamic format where you build decks and play using cards in your collection from recently released Magic sets. Evolving gameplay and fresh strategies make it one of the most fun and popular ways to play Magic.'

So how we prove or disprove this claim? Well, all I have to show you is this:

Standard's diversity right now is pathetic. I've never seen so many FNM players be so drained about how the format is shaping out right now (this includes those even playing one of the top tier lists). Modern Masters may have come out at the worst possible time for new players, as both formats to a new player are about as restrictive as it gets. Adding to the already monumental difficulty of getting someone new invested in Magic based on the current Standard metagame, we have a Modern focused set pushing established players away from Standard, therefore widening the gap between newer and older players (Pretty good for sales though Wizards!). Banning cards is all well and good for diversity but it continues to make veteran players unsure of their purchases, nobody wants to spend £200 on a popular tier 1 deck if the risk of banning is always looming, especially in a format with rotation. Don't let this game fall victim to power creep Wizards, print solid answers to solid threats and we will all enjoy Standard more. We haven't had any decent graveyard hate this season, why?

Final thoughts

Look, I may be incredibly cynical in my writing, but these are long term problems. Newer players and older players should always be able to able to access this amazing game and interact with each other, it is the most important foundation for any community. I love the usual 'Standard VS Modern' comments we see on article sites on a  daily basis because that diversity is a healthy medium for both formats. As of writing, there is no competition: Modern is by far more interesting but its financial constraints are all that hold it back. Though Modern Masters 2017 is another small step forward, there are still issues that need ironing out. Magic is a great game because it frustrates me when I try to comprehend some decisions that are made for it, but that's how you truly love a game; you see its flaws and should always criticize them, because without criticism how can we expect things to get better.

Modern Masters is a great set full of important reprints that is far too expensive to buy at retail. It detracts interest from Standard which by far continues to be the most important format in the growth and develop of Magic. Taking more time to restructure the price of eternal sets and sort out the mess that is the Standard metagame can only have positive effects on the game as a whole.