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robertmmullerssecretpunchin-blog · 6 years

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My personal pregnancy experience with Robert Michael Muller (June 2009):

How my Mr. Hyde is still very alive and well in your current mr. Jekyll.

I'm not going to lie, when I initially started going to therapy again, I only wanted to heal and find closure. I also had a vigilante complex. I wanted to bring karmic Justice to all those who not only intentionally mistreated me but abused others just as vulnerable and defenseless. Now my mentality has tempered a bit. The yearning hunger for vengeance is still there, but coupled with understanding that

aggression and violence will not undo the suffering inflicted upon hapless victims, nor will it cause spontaneous boughts of self-awareness where the abuser suddenly realizes that his behavior was inherently amoral, why he choose to express that type of behavior, the character flaws/cognitive processes that it originated from and a plan of action as to how they will successfully alter those toxic behaviors. Some may even be motivated to apologize to their victims, acknowledging how an apology apology deficient, and/or how they (the abuser) DOES NOT deserve to be forgive and may try to provide as much closer as possible if the victim has any nagging issues/questions. (This scenario ideal victims still undergoing the healing process.)

Anyone who has suffered trauma and pain to seek and desire closure any shape or form they feel is most appropriate or satisfying. The problem is that people who tend to be abusive have inherently toxic core beliefs that make them feel they are entitled to whatever they desire. This gives them the inherent right to use any means necessary to extoll compliance from their victims , and in the process utterly de-humanize them. When someone is no longer seen as an individual, who is deserving of a common level of basic human decency and respect...... they become a means to an end, a faceless resource. Trying to convince someone who feels entitled to receive something despite their actions.... is nigh impossible. That type of thinking absolves in a personal responsibility and morally clear do whatever they want, since the ends justify the means. No one in their right mind would you have the power readily. (Victims of abusers of that caliber MUST accept the fact that they most likely will never receive closure from them. However they have the right (within reason) to call up there abusers contradictory behavior and beliefs when witnessed.) Lastly, all of these victims have the right to talk about their abuse whenever they want to whomever they want using any method they want. Victims are robbed of their ability to speak up and defend themselves. Sharing their personal stories, freely and publicly is usually subtly discouraged (because family and friends of the abuser may be embarrasse. Truth is, as long as you can provide adequate proof that a scenario occured, it is NOT legally described as a slander. If family and friends feel embarrassed by the abusers behavior ,that's their problem. They need to acknowledge that remaining silent enables further toxic behaviors. Bad behavior must be called out and re-taught.

You will receive some flak from your residents. Establish your boundaries, finalize your village team", recite your story loud and proud. If a offending party obects- Remind them that whatever is said is 100% truthful and in a respectful manner.(Never used to constantly throw in someone's face, demeaning them. Gently remind them that if they dislike the way they are depicted in the "communal true trauma story-time..... then they need to put effort into transforming their detrimental behavior into more constructive behaviors. Ultimately, there's never been someone in existence who was "forced" by their victim/s to abuse them. Engaging in abusive behaviors are ALWAYS A CONSCIOUS CHOICE MADE BY OFFENDING ABUSERS. If their actions were truly because "they lost control", they'd lash out wildly, sporadically at any and everything in spite of any public audience they might have. Don't ever fool yourself, self aware abusers do what they do because they are in fear of losing control.

But I am done lecturing. I truly desire more than anything is you have closure. To have your husband publicly admit was exceptionally abusive to me relationship and he has no justification for it. His actions were those of a weak, cowardly, and ultimately self-serving, immature man we still emotional maturity of a teenager. This was despite the fact that he was 34 years old when we ultimately separated. I was 20 when we met newly freed from my narcissistic mom's clutches. I knew I had a lot of Baggage and bad habits to unlearn and there was no time to waste. I had made a lot of progress in the two years I had been freed from my mother. I had Ray to thank for that, when he open my eyes to how I acted and behaved exactly like mommy dearest and I hadn't the slightest idea. Every hypocritical behavior I despised, was now one I was guilty of. ....... I had treated Ray as terribly as my mom had treated me growing up I was oblivious. Horrified I vowed to never allow myself to accept any excuse regarding poor Behavior. Abuse is abuse even when unintentional. Invisible scars are the most difficult to repair, the most expensive to treat and never seems like the amount of effort you put forth into healing equates in equal progress. A momentary lapse in judgement, an indulgence in a character flaw, selfishness unhinged....... Maine results needless undeserved mental and emotional handicap that negatively impacts them for the remainder of their life. , and not to mention the financial burden having to treat a new mental health issue that should/would have never been, if it hadn't been for the traumatic treatment.

But I was still quite vulnerable I was too foolish and proud to believe otherwise. I had been forced to grow up in an environment where love was conditional and it was acceptable to treat your loved ones like shit for any reason you wanted. I innately had a high tolerance from maltreatment. I also had difficult time establishing and asserting strong boundaries. I had all the right characteristicss of an easy malleable target. And at 20 I foolishly believed a 27 year old male would be more mature than younger men my age. More maturity = to be more likely to have best intentions towards my well-being. (Ha!) = to be more likely to have best intentions towards my well-being. (Ha!)

My pregnancy experience with Robert Muller : a stark contrast proving that people aren't always what they seem to be.

(In memoriam of my unborn daughter: Rowan Triana Muller)

Rob pregnancy shamed me while I was living in Minnesota. Stating that if I didn't want children I should have been the one to be more cautious. AND threatening to leave mr me if I even suggested terminating� the pregnancy despite the fact I was extremely poor health, was malnourished, no $$$, no insurance, and homeless once my stepmother discover I was pregnant. Also we first started didn't we agreed that he would respect my choice since it was my body. Of course that ended up not being true.) Robert refused to sit down and really talk to me, listen to my concerns, provide me some� comfort with substance. When I made the most heart-breaking (but right) my entire life� he was nowhere to be found. I end up having an abortion, all alone, in� upstairs�� bathroom next to my bedroom. Thankfully it was summer and the roar of the lawnmowers drowned out the sound of my low guttural moaning and retching while I labored for 3 hours...... and a final cruel twist, I passed my� baby's body while on the toilet. Slick and solid, one whole piece like a peach......as if I were trying to suggest I thought human life were garbage. I spent the next 1-2 sobbing myself hoarse.

You you know what would have made me change my mind? If Robert wouldn't have told my dad that I was pregnant the day after I broke the news to him and said I was uncertain whether or not I want to keep it� because of our unstable circumstances at the time. He swore he'd give me three days to think about it and instead the next day be plastered all over Facebook and broke it to his mom. Which by the way could have broke the news to my family accidentally as well. I caught it just in time. When I told him I wasn't certain about keeping it� he acted like he didn't hear me. And when I try to initiate any conversation about what I felt that that way he simply patted me on my head, patronize me and minimize my concerns to pregnancy hormones. If he could have provided an actual projected budget and suggestions and how we're going to afford it (because who the fuck would wanna hire a 5 month prego woman for more than bare bones wages), and when� I could get prenatal care...... some solid I could start with...... instead he breezily said his parents and govt welfare $$$$ recover everything no problem. That answer horrified me to the bone. First Ben Wolford sucks ass just I am not like being in Section 8 does. Endless eligibility requirements to jump through and paperwork requirements on a� monthly basis.... and no some require drug testing as part of the eligibility. I we have no problem passing my drug screen naturally whenever requested. However Robert and was critically dependent on marijuana to function daily. He already was subjected to random drug testing from employer

and had evolved and revised a method to sneak clean urine as his own every time he was told to drop a sample. However because human getting away with it for so long...... he become lackadaisical,� lazy and cocky. He had 3 scares where is urine other than the right temperature, was almost found on his person before testing, and he was almost late for his appointment when given 15min to arrive at the test site from his work. He absolutely refused to reduce I minimize his marijuana usage in any way, so he could pass te drug test the old-fashioned "right way". (being clean and sober).

If a household is receiving any sort of government benefits like welfare or food stamps, any suspicion of drug use but any member was in the household warrants automatic drug testing and potentially a search of your home (if on Section 8). So if Robert ever got busted that would mean any and all benefits for his,

ever mine AND our baby's. Robert was careless by Nature. If he's unwilling and nable to get clean to preserve his only means of income from a decent paying job..... there is no doubt that he will do something to get himself caught, screwing me and our child (esp if I felt I had to be a single mom).Anyway, he started threatening to dump me if I did'nt continue the pregnancy. This was in direct contrast to what we agreed upon upon when we 1st started dating. (i.e. I was pro-choice it was my body and I had the final say no matter what). Couple that with his glaring lack of respect where am I opinions, concerns, and requests...... and flippant attitude towards the responsibilities of impending parenthood...... I decided that I refuse to raise a child in the home where their mother is not treated with respect or taken seriously. I didn't want to risk the the possibility Rob would crack under the pressure and stress and become physically abusive towards me AND our baby. Some people questionsble moral fiber carelessly become parents and it magically transforms them into the greatest human being as I can possibly be. It supercharges them, and they soar! However it would be negligent of me to assume that Robert would be one of those people. He could also really like we end up being like my mother and just barely going through the motions to provide only the simple neccessities to keep our child alive. I refuse to potentially subject my child circumstances in her childhood frightenly similar to my own. When my misery growing up was so palpable age 27 it seemed sadistic and amorale to subject my child to the same pain I was forced to live through.

You know I never have a strong desire to have children I never really contemplated deeply. But when I became pregnant I was entranced, surprised and mesmerized but all the emotions I was experiencing and how my body seemed to be transforming overnight. I only 8 weeks I had almost all my co-workers randomly commenting, but even though they couldn't say why, I was looking really good and glowing lately. Most women don't get the glow until the 3rd trimester. And my tits cruel almost At 8 weeks my tits erupted and grew almost 2 sizes. .

A pleasant and positive pregnancy experience healed so much issues regarding and my own mother. Something I don't think even the best therapists, techniques or meds could touch. .....

Instead he used my reproductive organs as a way to manipulate a claim of ownership over me, turned on born child into a pawn of manipulation only 8 weeks along absolutely destroyed any faith I had left in him.

I am not without fault myself. I am flawed as much as everyone else on this planet. However there is a certain level of Civility and respect and decency that is extended everybody no matter what but it's fundamentally we're all human and we are all equals. I want to know why he thought he had the right 2 deny another human beings essential right to common decency, to recieve respect and treatment equal to every other man, woman and child. My indignation and my Rage are Justified. Do not attempt to minimize my pain or silence my voice! The same goes for ALL victims of abuse!

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