#ryan and shane are hilarious and they do a great job on their true crime episodes

[mxliv-oftheendless]

The Bridge of the Demonic Goatman (Part 1)

I thought of this a while back (specifically in the form of a hilarious mental image), and decided, “What the hell? I’m gonna write this.” It’s basically me combining two things I’m currently trash for (KISS and Buzzfeed Unsolved) into an AU, where my target audience is... well, me. On a side note, if you haven’t watched Buzzfeed Unsolved, I would definitely recommend it! It’s a great show, and they do episodes on true crime as well as supernatural cases. Here’s the link to the original episode if you want to watch it. Hope you enjoy!

Due to the sheer length of this story (it’s twenty fucking pages in the Word document), I’m going to have to post this in two parts. This is Part 1. Part 2 will go up tomorrow because it’s 11:30 PM rn and I’m too fucking tired to deal with this crap anymore.

Basic AU summary: It’s Buzzfeed Unsolved, but hosted by Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, and Vinnie Vincent. Gene is the believer of the supernatural, Paul is the skeptic, and Vinnie is the neutral third party (although he does like to join Paul in messing with Gene when they’re on a ghost hunt). 

Commentary text: 

Paul

Gene

Vinnie (apparently Tumblr doesn’t offer yellow as a color)

Something said in unison (who says it will also be in parentheses)

----

[cold open: camera is in the backseat of a car between the driver and passenger seats, looking through the windshield at the twilight sky. GENE is driving while PAUL is in the passenger seat. Soft haunting piano music plays over the footage]

PAUL: Almost there, Gene… you nervous?

GENE: I’ll probably be more nervous when we get there. How about you?

PAUL: [gestures out at the sunset] How can I be nervous with a sunset like that?

VINNIE: Ah, but remember, Paul. [camera cuts to VINNIE, who is sitting in the backseat] Eventually, the sun will be gone from the sky, leaving us in the foreboding dark of night. Then you’ll be nervous.

PAUL: [turns to look at Vinnie] How poetic.

VINNIE: Thank you.

PAUL: What about you, are you nervous?

VINNIE: Uh… [shrugs] kinda. I mean, we’re potentially going to see a demon.

PAUL: Potentially.

GENE: Don’t worry, Vin. I’ll protect ya.

VINNIE: You say that now, and yet if we actually see it, you’ll probably be cowering behind me and reciting the Lord’s Prayer.

GENE: How can I do that when you’re such a midget?

[Paul laughs. Vinnie leans forward and smacks Gene’s arm.]

[Smash cut: it is now nighttime. Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now walking through a forest, the only light being from the flashlights coming from the night-vision cameras they are holding. Camera focuses on an old-looking wooden bridge with newer-looking red metal ledges. Gene shines his flashlight on a nearby sign that has text and the Texas state government symbol. The title reads OLD ALTON BRIDGE.]

GENE: Well, here it is. The bridge.

[Cut: Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now standing at the foot of the bridge.]

GENE: Ready?

PAUL: Yep.

VINNIE: Yep.

GENE: … Paul, you go first.

PAUL: [scoffs at Gene and steps up onto the bridge] Okay.

VINNIE: [steps up onto the bridge and turns to Gene expectantly] C’mon, Gene.

GENE: [sighs then mumbles] God dammit… [slowly steps up onto the bridge]

VINNIE: [grinning at him] See, that wasn’t so hard.

GENE: Shut up, Vinnie.

[camera follows the three as they walk across the bridge, swinging their camera flashlights around. It is so dark that the only parts we can see of the bridge are what shows up in the beams of the flashlights; the rest can only be vaguely made out. Haunting music continues]

PAUL: I’ll be honest, I was kind of expecting something more… I dunno, intimidating, I guess? But no, this seems like a pretty standard bridge. [jumps up and down on it] Sturdy, too.

VINNIE: It’s a little scary, I guess. Though, the fact that we’re here when it’s nighttime probably has a factor in that. In the day time, this probably wouldn’t be scary at all.

[they reach the middle of the bridge]

GENE: Well, now that we’re on the bridge, I guess I should tell you why this bridge is so notorious.

[Vinnie nods]

PAUL: Okay. Enlighten us, Gene.

[haunting music stops. Gene stares at Paul, who looks calmly back at him]

GENE: Can you even look a little bit worried? Or just… you know what, never mind.

[Intro sequence, then title card]

[Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now sitting on the foot of the bridge. From left to right: Gene, Vinnie, Paul]

VINNIE: This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we investigate Old Alton Bridge, aka the Goatman’s Bridge, as part of our ongoing investigation into the question, “Are ghosts real?”

GENE: [nods at the camera]

PAUL: [shakes his head at the camera]

VINNIE: [shrugs at the camera] Well, we may find out tonight. Gene?

GENE: Although that is our overall question, this bridge and the woods surrounding it are said to harbor something much more sinister than ghosts.

PAUL: [sounding maybe too light given the context] Demons!

GENE: [rolls his eyes but nods] Yeah, demons. As we’ve stated before, I will only consent to one demon episode per season, and this is that episode.

PAUL: You look pretty nervous. [looks to the camera and points at Gene] I dunno if you guys can tell, but Gene is looking pretty nervous right now. He’s just good enough of an actor that only Vinnie and I can tell.

VINNIE: I think we’re all a little nervous, to be fair. Just sitting on the foot of the bridge is making me feel slightly nervous. [pause in which he looks over at Gene and laughs] You’ve got kind of a glazed look, Genie.

GENE: I just—okay, I am getting kind of nervous. Let’s just get this over with.

PAUL: All right. Let’s get to the background stuff so we can dive right into the summoning part and see if any of us get possessed and/or murdered.

[Gene and Vinnie stare at him]

GENE: … Please don’t put it like that, Paul.

[Paul laughs]

[screen cuts away from the three to a black background with the shape of the state of Texas in white. Text and images appear on screen as Gene’s voice narrates]

GENE [voiceover]: In 1884, Old Alton Bridge was built in Denton, Texas, to connect the town of Alton to Denton. Alton was an extremely small town that consisted of only one person when it was established in 1848.

Wait, there was only one person in the entire town?

Yep.

Seriously? One person? And that was enough for it to be a town?

Yeah. One person.

*wheeze* Ha ha, that’s great.

Also, isn’t Denton the town from Rocky Horror Picture Show? The one Brad and Janet are from?

Oh yeah, it is! Oh my God, what if we did the Time Warp on the bridge?

Oh hell yeah, let’s do that!

*sigh* Dammit.

(Paul and Vinnie) Janet!

It was chosen as the legal center of Denton County. After the county seat was moved to Denton, residents of Alton moved to other towns, and Alton eventually disappeared. Today, the bridge is no longer permitted for vehicle use. But lucky for us, the bridge is available for pedestrian crossing.

*snorts* “Lucky for us”… the sarcasm.

You’re a master of sarcasm, Genie. 

--

[Paul, Gene, and Vinnie are standing by the parked car. The trunk is open, and Gene is rummaging through the contents of the trunk while Paul and Vinnie watch]

PAUL: I swear I’m not trying to scare you, Gene, but… I genuinely am getting a bad feeling about this place.

GENE: I am not listening to you, Paul.

PAUL: No, I’m actually serious this time! Vinnie, you can tell I’m serious, right?

VINNIE: I mean, I am getting kind of a bad feeling as well…

GENE: Don’t worry, guys. [straightens up] I came prepared tonight. [starts to unbuckle his belt]

VINNIE: I’m flattered, Genie, but I thought we were hunting down a demon. Plus, Paulie’s with us. And what would Shannon think?

GENE: [stops and stares at him in confusion] What would she think about… [he slowly realizes what Vinnie means] No! Not like that, Vinnie!

[Paul laughs. Vinnie smirks at Gene]  

GENE: Both of you shut up, that’s not what I meant at all! I mean I brought protection!

VINNIE: [grinning] Oh, well at least we won’t have to worry about that. I still think the setting is rather inappropriate, though.

[Paul continues to laugh]

GENE: I mean—I didn’t—shut the fuck up! This is what I’m talking about!

[Gene holds up a leather holster. In the holster is a squirt gun made of blue plastic]

PAUL: [stares at it, then bursts out laughing again] What the hell, Gene?

VINNIE: [trying not to laugh] Gene… why do you have a squirt gun?

GENE: [talking as he attaches the holster to his belt] It’s filled with holy water. I thought of it yesterday. It started out as a joke, but then I thought about it, and it’s actually a pretty good idea.

PAUL: [still laughing] You’re going to protect yourself against a dangerous demon… with a squirt gun filled with holy water?

GENE: Laugh all you want, Paul, but at least I’ll be safe from any demon that tries to sneak up on us. Just think, our backs will be turned, the demon’s sneaking up on us… [acts out this scene] I’ll just go, “Hey, guys, look at these bushes—[whirls around and whips out his squirt gun] freeze, demon!”

VINNIE: Smart.

GENE: I know, right?

--

GENE [voiceover]: Obviously, we didn’t travel all the way down to Texas to observe just a plain old bridge. What brings us to Old Alton Bridge is the meaning of its nickname, “the Goatman’s Bridge.” There are many legends of bridges acting as gateways to another realm, and perhaps this bridge is one of those gateways. Old Alton Bridge and the surrounding woods are said to harbor a dark entity: a demon, that is half-goat and half-man. The Goatman is said to have, quote, “glowing empty eyes” and goat-like horns. The reason for this entity’s existence is unknown, but has many iterations. One common story is that Satanists have carried out rituals on the bridge, that opened the door for this demon and perhaps many others.

There are actually records of people practicing rituals in the forest and on the bridge.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, so your kind of people.

My kind of—how am I a Satanist?

Because you believe in all the crap they believe in.

Yeah but—I don’t go around performing rituals to summon demons. I respect it, and stay away from it. That’s completely different.

Okay, you’re right about that. That’s fair.

You also go to the synagogue.

*snorts* Yeah, I also go to the synagogue.

GENE [voiceover]: Another popular story is that a successful African American goat farmer was lynched and hanged on the bridge by Klansmen, returning from the dead as the Goatman.

Fuckin’ assholes…

Do we know why they lynched him?

Yeah, because he was African American and he was doing better than them. That’s it. That’s why.

… Okay, fair enough.

Yeah, that’s fair.

GENE [voiceover]: If this story is true, then it would explain why the Goatman looks as it does, since once again, the African American was a goat farmer. However, there are no records of an African American goat farmer living or even existing in that area anywhere in the 1930s or in prior decades. Furthermore, if this story is true, then the Goatman would simply be the ghost of the goat farmer, instead of a demon like the Goatman has been claimed to be. Additionally, demons are preternatural beings, and therefore not human.

So you don’t think the Goatman’s the goat farmer.

Uh, no, I don’t. See, the thing is, if it was just the ghost of the goat farmer, then the Goatman would be just…

A man.

Yeah, just a man. There really wouldn’t be any reason for him to become some version of a Minotaur.

Yeah, that makes sense.

However, the fact that it’s half man and half goat makes it more likely that it’s a demon.

Plus, aren’t there medieval drawings showing Satan with goat legs?

Yeah, that too.

I just have to object to one thing you said. You said it was some version of a Minotaur.

And?

And that is a false statement. A Minotaur is half-man-half-BULL.

Oh—Oh, well excuse me—

Then it would be the BULLman.

—Mr. Greek Mythology Expert.

Paul, you don’t even think the GOATman is real, why are you so stuck on details?

I’m just trying to make sure everything that’s said is accurate.

You wouldn’t think it was real even if it WAS the Bullman.

That’s true. I wouldn’t think it’s the Bullman. I’d think it’s BullSHIT.

*laughter*

GENE [voiceover]: But tonight, our goal is not to find out why this demon exists. Tonight, our goal is to make contact and try to catch footage of this elusive and dangerous demon, as proof that it is real. We can only hope that this evidence does not come at a great cost…

--

[cut to Paul, Vinnie, and Gene walking on the bridge]

PAUL: Are there any demons here with us? Perhaps a demon formerly known as the Goatman?

VINNIE: Prince reference?

PAUL: Yeah, thanks for noticing.

GENE: Let your presence be known… say something… make a noise…

PAUL: Throw us off the bridge…

GENE: Shut up, Paul. [speaks aloud] Why are you on this bridge?

[silence]

GENE: One of you ask it something.

PAUL: Why are you on this bridge?

[Gene rolls his eyes at Paul while Vinnie snickers]

PAUL: [in a dramatic voice] Goatman! [still silence] Nothing’s happening.

VINNIE: Well, obviously.

PAUL: What if we try yelling at it?

GENE: What?

PAUL: I mean, what if we try and agitate it? To try and bring it out?

VINNIE: Like, egg it into showing itself?

PAUL: Yeah!

VINNIE: Yeah, that could work! Can I do it with you?

PAUL: Yeah, let’s do it. Gene—

GENE: I’m just gonna… gonna let you guys do it. I don’t wanna be part of what you guys are doing.

PAUL: Okay.

VINNIE: Yeah, you stay out of it, that way if anything happens to us you can call our families.

PAUL: You want to go first?

VINNIE: No, you go first.

PAUL: Okay… [a few beats of pause] Fuck you, Goatman!

GENE: Oh my God—

VINNIE: Oh, we’re just gonna go all-out? Okay, let me try. [shouts] Hey! Hey, Goatman! You’re no good, Goatman!

PAUL: You’ll never be shit!

VINNIE: You’re just like your father!

GENE: Oh for fuck’s sake—

PAUL: Goatman! [starts dancing in place] See that? I’m dancing on your bridge!

GENE: Paul!

VINNIE: [also starts dancing] We’re dancing on your bridge because we don’t believe in you! Fuck you, Goatman!

PAUL: This is our bridge now! We claim this bridge for ourselves!

GENE: Jesus Christ, we’re gonna die—

VINNIE: You want us off this bridge? You’re gonna have to kill us! Whatcha gonna do, throw us off the bridge?

GENE: He did throw someone off the bridge once.

PAUL: Nah, he’s not gonna throw us off the bridge, y’know why? [shouts] ‘Cause he’s a CHICKEN! [starts clucking like a chicken]

GENE: I swear to God, both of you…

VINNIE: Paulie, c’mere. [they start doing a tango] See that, Goatman? We’re dancing on your bridge!

PAUL: We disrespect your bridge, Goatman!

GENE: Oh, for Christ’s sake—he’s taking names right now, you two.

PAUL: You ain’t shit, Goatman! We own your bridge now!

VINNIE: You hear that, Goatman?

PAUL: Me, Vinnie Vincent, and Gene Simmons own your bridge!

GENE: Paul, don’t you dare loop me into your shit. Stop it.

PAUL: Well, tell him you’re not part of it!

GENE: [speaks aloud] I’m not part of this! Okay? They’re just being assholes.

PAUL: You’re talking to Goatman now. [Paul and Vinnie grin at him]

GENE: … You son of a bitch—

VINNIE: Goatman entrapment, Genie, you’ve been caught. [high-fives Paul] Goatman!

GENE: Guys, stop it.

PAUL: This is our bridge now, Goatman! [Paul and Vinnie continue dancing and jumping up and down on the bridge]

GENE: I swear to God, you two—

VINNIE: They’re gonna write OUR names in graffiti!

GENE: If something appears and kills you, I’m not giving your eulogies.

PAUL: People will come here and tell tales of US!

PAUL and VINNIE: What do ya say to that, Goatman?

[silence]

GENE: I hate you both.

--

GENE [voiceover]: People have reported a growling voice telling them to “get off the bridge.” One person said that after he and his friend heard the voice, he ran off the bridge while his friend stayed. He then watched as his friend was seemingly dragged off the bridge and thrown into the river below. People have also heard hooves following them across the bridge, as if they were being chased off. It’s often said that the Goatman can be conjured by knocking three times on the bridge.

--

[on the bridge, Gene goes up to one side of the bridge and hesitantly raises a fist]

GENE: All right. I’m gonna… knock three times on the bridge… and we’ll see what happens.

PAUL: What if the Goatman bites your hand off?

GENE: Paul—

PAUL: And then he stuffs it in your mouth and makes you eat it?

[Gene and Vinnie stare at him]

VINNIE: … What the fuck, Paul?

PAUL: What? He might do that. He’s a demon.

GENE: Fuck you, Paul. You’re making this worse.

PAUL: Fine, sorry.

GENE: [turns back to the side of the bridge] Okay… here we go…

[Gene knocks on the side of the bridge three times. They all stand back]

GENE: Now it’s said that when you do that, you can see his glowing eyes. [glances around]

PAUL: [laughing] What a load of horseshit…

VINNIE: Quiet, Paul.

[silence. Nothing happens]

GENE: Well, I’m not doing it again. Either of you want to?

VINNIE: [shrugs] I’ll do it. [goes up to the side and knocks three times. Steps back.]

[silence again. Nothing happens]

VINNIE: All right, Paul, now you do it.

[Paul goes up to the side and raises his fist. Then he stops and looks around in a theatrical way]

GENE: For fuck’s sake, Paul, just do it!

PAUL: [shrugs] Hey, Goatman! [knocks three times]

[silence again. All three look around. The camera passes over parts of the bridge]

PAUL: You know, if you want me off this bridge, you’re gonna have to throw me off.

[still silence. Nothing happens. There is a long stretch in which none of them move or speak]

GENE: Okay, we’re done with that. Let’s go into the woods.

VINNIE: We’re going into the woods?

GENE: Yep. Let’s go.

[they all turn and start to walk off the bridge. Paul turns around and looks out into the darkness]

PAUL: We’ll be back, Goatman. After all, this is our bridge now.

VINNIE: Yeah, remember that, Goatman.

GENE: Would you both shut up?

PAUL: That’s how you get them to come out, Gene.

GENE: That’s not how you get them to come out, that’s how you get them to kill you.

PAUL: Assuming you don’t kill me first, right?

GENE: Exactly.

To be continued in Part 2!

[poc-movie-supremacy]

Watcher AU: Cryptids

A.N.: This is the Shyan perspective on this little Au I wrote. Mothman Ryan is sent to Earth to hunt demons, along the way he picks up Buzzfeed’s resident skeptic Shane. Can Ryan keep Shane safe with all the demons around them? For @mousemadej I hope you like it

A similar fic but standrew perspective will also be written. 

Do not tag or @ anyone from Watcher, I highly doubt any of them like rpf and nor do I want them to see this. It was a fun fic to work on, but I don’t need them finding it, please.

---

Jake Bergara deserved to go to heaven. He was the good, the pure one out of the two of them. He shouldn’t be blamed for Ryan’s faults. Heaven didn’t seem to think so though. Just the idea of Jake being like Ryan horrified them, but Ryan was nothing if not stubborn. Fed up, he barged into heaven demanding for them to let his brother in, be a guardian angel, like he’s always dreamed. They agreed, on one condition.

He was to do their dirty work: hunt demons. 

Internally Ryan was baffled. That was an easy job, why would that be the one condition needed? Since it was an easy task though, Ryan didn’t verbally question it. Externally his face was neutral bordering on dark and he agreed. 

Ryan Bergara, Mothman nicknamed by some real creative guy on earth, is Heaven’s latest demon slayer. 

Jake wasn’t extremely happy about this turn of events, and frankly neither was Steven. The two getting a little buddy buddy after Jake earned his white wings and golden halo. Ryan didn’t know if he was entirely okay with it, but Steven was keeping his brother safe and what’s better than that. The night before Ryan’s job, Steven, Adam, and Jake through him a little party. He can tell there’s an underlying tension within the small party, but he ignores it in favour of spending his last moments of normal with some of his favourite people. Jake, with some help from Steven, thought about another way around this mess, but what’s done is done. You can’t exactly break a seal with heaven, so he accepts and gets assigned a human. 

Ryan misses his brother, but he knows he’s safer in heaven. One can’t get injured in heaven. On earth he quickly realizes he’s going to need a job to be able to hunt demons inconspicuously. He gets a job at Buzzfeed. With the Try guys a thing, hunting demons can’t be that odd right? Anyways, Steven’s there too on and off to keep an eye on his human, Andrew Ilnyckj. It’s nice to have a friend there. 

He means to demon hunt alone, he really does, but there’s this guy. Tall, lanky, white guy who’s a skeptic yet thinks hunting ghosts and demons is a hoot. Ryan bergrudengly takes him along. Jake and Steven think this new development is hilarious and never waste a moment to tease him.

Shane’s... odd. He doesn’t believe any of the ‘BS’ Ryan is trying to convince him. At first it angered Ryan to no end, but then he realized that he could kill demons in secret easier with Buzzfeed’s resident skeptic. 

The show’s original intent was just two boys hunting demons, but Shane really loved crime cases. Thus, Buzzfeed Unsolved True Crime was born. Ryan got some help from some coworkers and compiled Theories on unsolved crime cases. This set up was less adrenaline fueled than Supernatural is. Ryan likes it, it’s a pleasant reprise. They sit down in an little makeshift office with a corkboard in the back. It’s filled with future supernatural or true crime cases and updated info on Jake. Viewers like compiling theories what the cork board means. Ryan finds their ideas hilarious. 

Ryan finds great enjoyment in riling Shane up so he makes sure to include outrages theories. One of his favourites is a zombie plague that killed the colonists of Roanoke. Shane looked so disappointed in him, it made Ryan laugh. As the years go on, Ryan finds this job more enjoyable. He feels more free when he gets to sit down and tell Shane his stupid theories. He enjoys coming up with bits with Ryan and pretending to be a serial killer. In truth it’s just him letting another side of his personality free, a part that he has to keep hidden lest Heaven smite him. He hears the internet call Shane a demon and he laughs about it with Jake and Steven. 

Shane isn’t a demon. Sure he dissociates from his emotions, but he still has them. Also if he were a demon, then Ryan would have to kill him, and that’s the last thing Ryan wants to do. It’s terrifying, but Ryan’s starting to care for him. It’s an odd feeling in his chest, caring for someone. It feels different from how he cares about Jake and Steven. 

Being able to work with Steven is always amusing. He has a different personality at work, so Ryan loves to poke holes in that persona. Andrew looks at them oddly at them when Ryan alludes to something from Steven’s childhood that makes him blush all over. Andrew thinks it’s a nice color, that blush, but he doesn’t think he could ever say that out loud though. (Ryan knows Andrew likes Steven and Steven likes Andrew. He has a running bet with Adam when they’ll finally get together. In the meantime Ryan finds great enjoyment in teasing Steven about said crush.)

On off times, they tell their co-workers that they go to play basketball when in reality they drive to a large empty field and stretch their wings. Usually it’s a competition on who can fly the highest. Ryan’s black and blue wings stretch out wide behind him. Steven joins him, unfurling his white and gold wings. It feels nice to use their wings after days of keeping them tucked away. They do play basketball sometimes, but not often. Steven loves to take this time to tease the hell out of Ryan. It shouldn’t be as effective, but when they get back to the office, Steven loves to almost flirt with Shane. Ryan and Andrew get jealous for different reason and Shane is a mix between baffled and curious. It’s utter chaos. Adam loves it.

On some level Ryan knew he had romantic attraction to Shane, but he was... wrong. He was at the very best a genetic disorder at the worst a monster. Heaven’s told him so despite Steven and Jake’s attempts to change his mind. He doesn’t- he can’t bear to see Shane’s disgust when he finds out the truth. So he lets his walls down, but not enough to form any romantic relationship with Shane. This job, their relationship, it’s good where it is. Ryan’s fine where they are, he has him like this, and that’s enough.

Today they were filming an episode for Unsolved Supernatural. They were ‘investigating’ a haunted house (killing a demon). It didn’t seem as bad at first. Ryan just needed to catch a lone shoe-stealing demon. Low stakes right? 

ha.

Ryan did his solo investigation and couldn’t find the little demon. Unhappily, he sent Shane in next and continued to try and find the demon. His ears turned towards Shane, but he just heard the usual taunting. That was one thing Ryan wished he’d stop doing. One day Ryan won’t be enough to stop the demons and they’d come for him. 

That day was today, go figure. 

Ryan was listening to Shane laugh, easing his worries until the laughter turned to screams. 

“Shane, Shane?” 

Nothing but absolute utter silence from Shane, yet there was noise. Grunting, slobbering, heavy breathing filled Ryan’s senses. He dropped his camera, possibly breaking it, and sprinted. Cold dread filled his heart at first but was soon replaced with hot anger. His wings sprouted from his shoulder, fingers turning to claws, and eyes glowed blood red. 

Easily bursting through the doors, Ryan tackled the ugly demon to the ground. He cursed his stupidity, the demon was a lot worse than he thought. It put up a good fight, but nothing could stop and angry Bergara, even Heaven bent to his will. 

Ryan sunk his claws into the demon’s ‘heart’ and it fell down dead. Ryan let the adrenaline dwindle from his as he caught his breath. Slowly like he was walking through water, Ryan turned towards Shane. Then everything speed up. Using his wings, he knelt by Shane and checked him for wounds. There was a burn on his left side from his shoulder to his navel. Over his right chest was a big bleeding cut. Ryan took off his shirt and did his best to dress Shane’s wounds. Then he gathered him up and flew.

~~~~

Ryan sat quietly in Steven’s living room. Shane lay sleeping in Steven’s bed. They had gotten here a little over two hours ago, but the shook still clung to him. The sofa dipped and Steven’s forever warmth clung to him. 

“He’s going to be okay.”

“He’s turning into a demon.”

Steven didn’t know what to say to that. 

“I’m supposed to be hunting demons, my job is to kill them. I can’t- how can I kill him? This is, this was to keep Jake in job. Can you even break a promise with heaven?” Ryan’s voice brooke with unshed tears.

“If one could, I’m not surprised it would be you,” Steven commented.

“I- I he’s mine. He’s so good, and he doesn’t believe in demons and now he is one. How am I supposed to explain this to him?”

“He’ll probably figure it out on his own, you know, when he starts growing horns, a tail, and gigantic scaly wings.” Steven points out matter of factly.

Ryan would’ve laughed at the absurdity of it, but one thought kept bugging him. “What happens when Heaven sends me to kill him? I can’t kill him Ste, I just- I can’t live without him. He’s confident and he’s caring and he makes me laugh and he gets my sense of humor. And now he’s going to be disgusted and dead.” With that Ryan just let’s himself sobb. Instinctively Steven curls himself around Ryan to console him. He just holds him as he cries and rubs out a soothing pattern on his arm. 

“Heaven won’t get him. Just as you promised to protect Andrew, we’ll protect Shane. He’s head over heels for you. Even if he was disgusted with you, he’s not worth it. You’re great Ryan, you deserve someone who knows that.”

It makes sense to Ryan on some base level, but it’s hard to wrap his head around. Ryan busied himself with helping Steven clean their feathers before passing out on the couch. 

~~~~~

Shane woke up to absolute darkness, yet he could vaguely make out the objects in the room. Possibly a bedroom he thinks. For the life of him, he can’t remember how he got there. He remembers an old decrepit house, someone screaming and fighting sounds before passing out. Maybe someone was fighting him because his upper back is sore and he thinks he might have a fever. Gingerly, he gets out of bad and stretches to his full height. Then he promptly fell over. 

Shane screamed in pain when his upper back collided with the floor. His weight distribution is all off for some reason now. The door burst open to one of the most confusing sights in his life. Ryan with hands for claws, glowing red eyes and ginormous black and blue wings. Next to him is Steven, literally glowing with a halo over his head, floating with the help of white and gold wings. Lastly pale as a sheet of paper Andrew, muscles tense and fangs out. Shane thinks he should’ve just stayed in bed, asleep, cause clearly he’s sleep deprived. 

“Shane. What’s wrong? ARe you hurt.” Ryan’s voice was an octave lower than usual and vibrating. Steven swept a white light over the room only pocketing it when he looked satisfied. Shane was not satisfied. 

“Ryan, the room’s empty.” “What the hell-” Steven promptly got cut off. 

“How- Then why was he- why were you screaming?” Ryan focused his sharp almost angry gaze at Shane. It wasn’t angry, well not angry at Shane, it was anger at the situation, anger at whatever tried to hurt Shane. Not that he had any idea. 

“I fell on my back trying to get up. Felt lightheaded,” Shane explained. Steven folded up his wings and slowly approached Shane who was struggling to get off the floor. He shied away from Steven’s touch, wary, afraid. 

“We’re not here to hurt you, Shane. It’s okay,” Steven tried to say as soothingly as possible. 

“People aren’t supposed to have wings. Their voices can’t vibrate. And they definitely don’t have fangs.” Shane spit out. 

“Some can. Those from other wordly places can.” Steven’s voice doesn’t break away from it’s soothing calmness. He sounds like he’s talking to a spooked client. Ryan’s face is a deadly storm, all emotions trying to show on his face at once. His arms are crossed barring his large biceps. Shane doesn’t know wether to be scared or feel... safe. Even with the inhuman appearance, he’s still Ryan. 

“Like cryptids? The one’s Ryan’s always ya-talking about?” 

“Sort of like Cryptids... think more of cultural myths that you could have heard.” Shane finally stops shying away from Steven’s touch, and stills long enough for Steven to place an hand on his arm. 

“But- they’re not real.” Shane tries to rebut weakly. 

Ryan’s facial expressions tightens and he just barely bites back a sigh. “I’ve heard a lot of things about me, but after seeing my true appearance, questioning my reality isn’t one of them. Yelling in fear is one though. I knew you were stubborn Big guy, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”

Shane likes that nickname. It warms his already sweltering heart. He could call anyone that, they happen to know a lot of tall men, but Shane got that nickname. No one else, him. 

He gaped at Ryan, unable to say anything. 

“Hey, Shane, let’s get you onto the bed. I need to give you a check up.”

“You’re a doctor?” Shane asks Steven as he lays out on Steven’s bed. 

“I’m going to go finish the food. Feel better Shane.” Andrew the possible vampire nodded at Shane and exited the room. That left Steven and Ryan still in the room. 

Finally calm, Ryan sheathed his feathers but didn’t dare to step any closer. Shane didn’t know if he was okay with that. It was Ryan, but also a completely different Ryan than the one he knew for years. He hated it. They had a connection, they had a relationship whatever it was, and in one night it was broken. 

The room was still and almost silent while Steven gave Shane a checkup. Small noises of  displeasure were heard here and there, but Ryan didn’t think, well he hoped everything was okay.

He never gets what he want does he?

“You’re symptoms are perfectly normal under the circumstances. The pain will be bad for a while, but eventually it’ll pass.” Steven stood up. “I’m going to go get you some medicine. Stay with him Ryan.” Steven tried to communicate that they should also talk while Ryan was cursing him out for not letting him stew longer. 

Slowly, Ryan inched closer to Shane. “What does he mean: under the circumstances?”

Ryan knew what was going on, but he didn’t have the heart to tell Shane. “Just get some rest big guy.” Ryan hoped that was said as soothing as possible. The last time he had to be this gentle was when he had to take care of Jake after a bad day. It’s been years since that. 

“No.” Shane groaned in pain. Ryan gingerly placed a hand on his upper arm and shushed him. 

“Rest, Big Guy.”

“What’s going on? Ryan, what’s happening to me?” Shane pleaded with Ryan to help him understand. He didn’t want to tell him, telling him would mean having to accept what happened, that he wasn’t enough to save him, but Ryan couldn’t say no to those eyes.  

“You were hoping to cause a ruckus in the demon’s lair while I planned on exorcising the thing during the solo investigation. I didn’t think it would be that bad.” Ryan swallowed composing himself before continuing. “I couldn’t do it during the solo investigation, so I sent you in while I searched the rest of the house. I kept an ear out for you, teasing demons... anyways, I kept an ear out for you and I heard you scream. It was the scariest sound in my life. You never scream Shane, and then you do, and it. It was blood-curling. Busting down the door, I caught the middle of a fight between you and the demon, you lost.” Pausing, Shane laid trembling fingers on Ryan’s thigh. Sometime during the story, Ryan ended up sitting on the other side of Shane on the bed. To feel Shane on him felt like both a blessing and a curse. “I tackled the demon and we fought until it died. You weren’t, you weren’t breathing Shane, so in a panic, I took you to Steven’s house.”

“And now I’m here. But what was Steven talking about, under the circumstances? Is something happening to me Ry?” Shane’s voice shook as his mind ran with possibilities. If vampires and angels were real, what could have happened to him?

“It burned you from the arm down to the navel and a big claw cut over you right chest. Because of it, Shane you’re turning into a demon.”

Shane wheezed, agitating Ryan further. “I’m not joking Shane. This isn’t the time for jokes. Heaven hunts demons, my job is to hunt demons, and now you’re one and I can’t kill you or see you die at all...”

At that moment, for better or for worse, Steven entered the room carrying medicine. He paused halfway through seeing Ryan worked up, and Shane a mix of pain, confusion, and... delight? He held the tray with one hand and walked over to Ryan. “You okay man?”

“He doesn’t believe me, I know he wouldn’t but it’s so fucking frustrating.” Ryan’s feathers were literally starting to get ruffled, so Steven tried to diffuse the situation before something bad happened. 

“Hey, He’s Buzzfeed’s biggest skeptic, you know this is going to take a minute especially with him in pain. Patience, we got this.” Steven gave Ryan’s arm a squeeze before heading over to Shane. 

“Hey Shane, I need you to take this. Here’s some water and food. Eat. Andrew made it just for you.” Steven silently asked Ryan if he wanted to stay with Shane. Ryan nodded a little forcefully to convince Steven, and didn’t leave the room when Steven did. 

“Is this safe?” 

“Yes you big baby eat it or die.” Ryan paused at his words but didn’t take them back. Shane stared at him, neither of them saying a word for a while. 

“I’m turning into a demon?” It was phrased as a half question half statement. Slowly he ate the food Steven gave him. Shane usually wasn’t a picky eater, but after finding out the truth about the supernatural, a new hesitense came over him. 

“Yup, the fever will subside into slightly reddish skin and horns will poke out of your skull. Wings, scaly, skin like wings will protrude from your shoulder blades. Etc.” Ryan tried to keep his voice as even-toned as he could to mask his panic. 

“Etcetera? What else will happen to me?” Shane did not try and mask his panic. 

“I’m not sure! Every demon turns out slightly different! You could get hooves, you could get a tail maybe red eyes like mine or solid black eyes. I don’t know!” Ryan almost shouted exasperated. 

Shane looked at him slightly terrified and Ryan realized his voice took on the buzzing quality. He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, ok. It’s just, when Andrew got turned into a vampire it was fine. Heaven doesn’t hate vampires just finds them annoying. You’re a demon now, and heaven wants to kill you and that’s worse.” 

Shane wanted to tell Ryan that of course it was worse, but the little guy was already worked up so he kept it to himself. “Breath Ry, I’m going to be fine.” 

Ryan scoffed. “Easier said than done.” He looked over at him really looked at him and frowned. “Finish your food. Mother hen Steven wouldn’t be happy if you don’t.”

Shane grumbled quietly, “Are you sure the mother hen is Steven?”

“What was that big guy?”

Shane changed the subject, “Tell me about yourself, about this supernatural part of you. Are you also a demon? Or an angel?” 

Ryan took a seat on the edge of the end of Steven’s bed. “I’m an angel with a genetic disorder. Instead of... being born like Steven, white wings with a halo, I got red eyes, black wings and no halo. We’ve been friends since we were kids. He found me and was the first person to offer to play with me, never left me afterwards, even when people didn’t take to kindly to me and my deformities. My brother Jake, also an angel sans genetic deformities, wanted to be like Steven. Heaven told him no though, because of me. Thought it something in the genes. I knew that excuse was shit so I fought tooth and nail to get him in. After a while they relented on the condition that I do their dirty work, hunt demons. Jake, Steven and Adam weren’t happy about this-”

“Adam’s an angel? That’s the least surprising thing I’ve heard.” 

Ryan chuckled. “No Adam’s a merman.”

“Mermen can’t be real.”

“Oh they’re real big guy. Why do you think Steven and Adam live near the beach?”

“Because it’s California!”

“Not all of, nevermind. Anyways, they weren’t happy about my new job, but they were too late to do anything about it. I was sent to earth and got a job at Buzzfeed to hunt demons easier. Funnily enough, Steven’s newest charge, Andrew, also happened to work at Buzzfeed, so he could keep an eye on the both of us."

Shane mulled over Ryan's words as he finished his food. "He really is a mother hen. Also I don't think you're a deformity. You're Ryan, Wings or not." 

"These," Ryan stood up and unfolded his wings and went full Mothman, "Don't scare you?"

"Not at all, although now I get why Mothman has the reputation he has, egoist." 

"Oh says, you." Ryan paused and took a deep breath. "Thanks, for not being disgusted with me or anything."

"Ryan, you're my friend, other things about you disgust me, not this.” Ryan let out a wheeze making Shane smile. 

~~~~~ 

The rest of the year and change was a flurry of events. Jake came down from Heaven to warn them of God’s wrath. They decided to pack up their jobs at Worth it and Unsolved and head out on the run until God’s bloodlust calmed down. They stayed close to the coast so that Adam didn’t have to follow them in a bathtub. Jake offered to stay behind and delay God’s army. Ryan wasn’t happy about it and outright refused until Jake promised that they would keep semi-constant contact, and immediately once it was safe, Jake would join them. 

Shane’s transition into demonhood went as smoothly as one could hope. His wings were similar to Ryan’s black, blue, and even some green just more scale-y instead of feather-y. Being six-four and now adding six inch horns was something to get used to. He didn’t end up getting hooves or glowing eyes, but he did end up getting a tail. 

Shane and Ryan’s relationship didn’t suffer much after the initial argument. There also might’ve been a kiss when Ryan was helping manicure Shane’s claws and horns. Shane initiated it. Ryan didn’t think he ever smiled that wide. (For a second he thought he was dying until he realized there weren’t actual butterflies in his stomach. Shane had a good laugh at that) Steven gave Andrew money, saddened slightly that he lost the bet.

Living on the run wasn’t easy. They missed their family and friends. It hurt to cut contact from them completely. But off-roading together made it bearable, made it okay. Listening to Shane’s odd songs to pass the time, eating Andrew concoctions that always ended up a little too raw if he wasn’t careful, giggling when Ryan and Jake get into arguments, it almost felt... domestic. 

They mainly worked odd jobs to get some pay, never in the same place for over a year. Ryan, Steven and Jake never could stop helping people even if Heaven renounced their status, and would help helpless cryptids like themselves whenever they could. They almost adopted a fairy and had a run in with elmo’s know-it-all blue cousin (who really didn’t like Ryan) but that’s a story for another time. 

Life wasn’t easy, not by a long shot, not by a mile, but it was there and they had each other, was that not enough?

[drunkkenobi]

Catt’s Favorite BuzzFeed Unsolved Episodes

This Friday (March 27, 2020) BuzzFeed Unsolved is going to air its 100th episode! I have no idea if they’ll acknowledge it, but exciting all the same. In celebration of it, and because watching two dummies ghost hunt and talk murder is actually a good use of everyone’s time right now, I’m going to list my Top 10 Supernatural and Top 10 True Crime episodes. (But first, subscribe to Watcher)

BFU Supernatural Top 10

10. The Haunted Quarters of the Dauphine Orleans Hotel - Both New Orleans episodes are a hoot and a half, but I give the edge to the Dauphine because of the bedsharing, the spooky footsteps, “I STOLE THEM OFF A WOMAN WHO DIED ON THE TITANIC”,  and, of course, two ghost bros chillin’ in a jacuzzi tub six inches apart.

9. The Search for the Mysterious Mothman - While this episode is so enjoyable (the pizza, the ogling of the Mothman statue, the Mothman calls, etc.) on its own, I love it so much for introducing Mothman into the BFU mythos. I think about Ryan saying he’d ride Mothman for life almost every day of my own life.

8. The Hunt for La Llorona - The Weeping Woman - Yes, a sponsored episode made my top 10 and it’s because Curly is a goddamn treasure and brought out so much weird chaotic horniness in Ryan. Also they got some spooky spirit box answers at the cemetery.

7. The Subterranean Terrors of the London Tombs - The best Unsolved episodes are when some spooky stuff actually happens (as it does here, with some unexplained noises and a light turning off), but what freaks Ryan out the most is just a very normal haunted maze attraction. Magnifique. 

6. The Mysterious Disappearance of the Roanoke Colony - This one is just so fucking funny. Ryan’s theories getting increasingly bonkers are always a fun staple, but never better than when he gets to drop that “the Roanoke colonists turned into zombies” bomb on Shane who throws Timmy’s ball he’s so mad.

5. The Unbelievable Horrors of the Old City Jail - a newbie, but still worthy of the top 10. Yes, Ryan’s freakout on his solo investigation is what makes this one, but we can’t forget the completely bizarre bellybutton courting and Ryan and Shane’s rap. Nor the way Shane very softly greets Ryan after his freakout.

4. Return to the Horrifying Winchester Mansion - I love the Winchester mansion, it’s a place I’d love to visit someday. (I don’t think it’s all that haunted, I just think it’s neat). The boys return is very fun, especially their overnight stay in separate rooms. Ryan’s running monologue of begging the ghosts to stay away from him (even though he’s there to collect evidence of their existence) is never funnier than here. It also gave us an all-time moment in the Post-Mortem where Ryan admitted that Shane provided him a great deal of comfort.

3. Three Horrifying Cases of Ghosts and Demons - The one that started it all. It remains a favorite (and their most watched) for a reason. The original Winchester ghost hunt and the Island of the Dolls are good enough on their own, but it’s Sallie House that made the show into what we all know and love today. Ryan screaming at a flashlight, Shane laughing at Ryan screaming at a flashlight...that’s it, that’s the show.

2. The Terrors of the Yuma Territorial Prison - “This episode is underrated!!!” she screamed from the rafters. Shane is in a very odd mood in this one, insisting to Ryan that he did hear some strange footsteps (and Ryan doesn’t seem to believe him), he gets into an argument with a possible ghost on the spirit box, “I’m strange and OFF-PUTTING!”, that goofy ass gift shop investigation, and then there’s the bats. It’s a great thrill to see what Shane is like when he’s actually a little freaked out, and it’s, as always, an even greater one to see Ryan reduced to tears.

1. The Demonic Goatman’s Bridge - Is it an obvious #1? Yes. Does that make it any less worthy? No. One of my favorite things about this episode is that Shane’s iconic antagonizing of Goatman happens in the first half of the episode. Then they have to go into the woods and yell about cult stuff and be afraid of real people hanging out in said woods after! The energy started chaotic (”Are you taking off your pants? We’re in public!”) and never stopped from there. An absolute classic and it always, always makes me laugh. 

BFU True Crime Top 10

10. The Historic Disappearance of Louis LePrince - I think season 3 of True Crime is really strong, in general. As a true crime fan, it had a lot of cases I had never heard before and I think they’re all pretty interesting, this one included. I also like that it gave Shane a chance to shit on Thomas Edison. He deserved it.

9. The Odd Vanishing of Amelia Earhart - Like Shane, I do like to imagine Amelia crash landing among the crabs. It’s a good mix of a classic mystery we all know a little about and the boys taking it to the extremes.

8. The Enigmatic Death of the Isdal Woman - One of the best directed episodes of Unsolved (great job Sara), I really enjoy all the flourishes this episode has. Plus, it’s a great mystery. Yeah, she was probably a spy, but that’s only one part of the story. 

7. The Terrifying Axeman of New Orleans - The boys have a lot of fun with this, especially the rumors that the Axeman was somehow supernatural and able to shrink down to enter doors. 

6. The Creepy Murder in Room 1046 - One of those mysteries I had never heard before and I was totally enthralled for this episode because of it. I’ve even heard this on other True Crime programs since then, but Ryan and Shane talking about it is still much more interesting and entertaining to me. This episode did introduce us to the running joke that will not die, Ricky Goldsworth, but it’s helped by the realization that Ryan 100% named his ~evil alter ego after his childhood dog.

5. The Thrilling Gardner Museum Heist - This one holds a special place in my heart because it was the episode that really hooked me on the show. It wasn’t the first I watched (that would be Bobby Mackey’s), but it was the one that interested me enough to keep clicking around on YouTube to keep watching these two cute doofuses. It’s also a very fun mystery since no one dies.

4. The Disturbing Murders at Keddie Cabin - One of the most visually stunning episodes of BFU, the boys trip to the Keddie Cabins is one of the most genuinely unsettling episodes. The rainy day and glances of townspeople watching them poke around the remnants of the cabin where a woman and children were brutally murdered really add to the mood, especially because of the rumors that town and police corruption are why these remain unsolved.

3. The Mysterious Death of the Eight Day Bride - Ah, the polyamorous episode, as I refer to it in my head. It was nice to see them tackle a case that included a possible queer angle and treat that part of it pretty respectfully. It was also nice for Ryan to compare himself to the third wheel of the story when talking about hanging out with Shane and Sara all the time. (this episode also gets a slight boost for having the best Post-Mortem of all time. He would ride Mothman for life, y’all.)

2. The Strange Disappearance of DB Cooper - It’s just hilarious. They have a ball discussing one of the biggest American mysteries of the 20th century, nearly choking on their bourbon and sodas, “SPRING BREAK!!!”, and laughing at the “phantom of the sky”. 

1. The Treacherous Treasure Hunt of Forrest Fenn - Ryan Bergara emerging from a Best Western bathroom dressed up as Indiana Jones while Shane stares in stunned silence is the greatest 3 seconds this show has ever produced. I will not be taking critiques at this time.

No, but seriously, this episode is a full-on blast. I love how different it is from anything else they’ve ever done. I love the “over-produced montages”. I love the actual thrill when Ryan sees that square rock. I, obviously, love the Indiana Bergara of it all. I love that they really did do a lot of research into where to look for Fenn’s treasure. I loved their stupid Post-Mortem outfits and renting an expensive car all for a stupid bit because that’s why I love these two dummies. They delight each other so much with their similar bullshit and sense of humor and it’s never more apparent and charming to me than this episode. 

[lunawho47]

Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Mysterious Doctor and the Omen of the Blue Box (Part 1)

Fandoms: Buzzfeed Unsolved and Doctor Who

Genre: Total Crackfic, Humor

Rating: 16+ (for language)

Summary: A script for Buzzfeed Unsolved, in which our two favorite jackasses, the Ghoul Boys, discuss the various internet theories surrounding the identity of various mysterious figures known only as “the Doctor” and the blue box that tends to appear around them.  Well, Ryan wants to discuss the theories; Shane thinks it’s all urban legends and bullshit.

A/N: So, I’ve read a lot of these mock scripts going around for Unsolved discussing CW’s Supernatural as though it was real, and I thought they were hilarious.  So, my brain started wondering what theories the reddit and conspiracy boards would think up about mentions of the Doctor, the Doctor’s companions, UNIT, and Torchwood.  And to be honest, my brain came up with A LOT of theories that would make sense, and this format seemed a fun way to discuss all of them.  It was originally going to be a one shot, but as I started writing, Shane kept interrupting in my head about how stupid all of it sounds, and that kept making the script longer and longer.  So, it’s now going to be a few parts long cos the history of DW (even when seriously truncated) takes a long time to go through when you try to use the serials to make arguments about the Doctor’s potential identity(s).  

So, here’s part 1.  Please let me know if you like it and would like to see more.  And if Shane and Ryan sound anything like themselves because if they don’t then the whole thing is nowhere near as funny as it should be.

Ryan: Today on Buzzfeed Unsolved we're looking into the puzzling mystery of an entity known only as "The Doctor" and the corresponding omen of a blue box.  It's a mystery that, in its more comprehensive moments, is whimsically strange and, most of the time, is just plain batshit bizarre.

Shane: Okay, so I can hear the air quotes around the name, and you called it an entity.  Are we talking like, cryptid creature that is based in reality or am I going to be sitting through theories about zombie plagues and Ant-man Ax murderers again?  Just what am I in for here?

Ryan: No zombie plagues, and the Doctor has never murdered anyone with an ax.  At least, not in any of the records available. It's just...well, it's hard to explain here, so let's just get right into it.  Just bear in mind this is Gene Wilder Willy Wonka levels of weird when it's at its most sensical.  And it's rare that this story makes any sense at all.

Shane: Alright, I'll confess I'm...intrigued.  I'm ready to listen.

Ryan: Alright, here we go.  *opens folder*

Ryan (in his Unsolved VO):  The first documented evidence of a being calling itself "The Doctor" is in the files of now deceased British UNIT officer Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart.

Shane:  Wait.  UNIT?  What's that? Sounds like something out of a video game.

Ryan: (wheeze) It does a bit, yeah. But there is paperwork evidence that verifies this group -- lame as the acronym is -- actually existed.  They were set up in the mid-1960s by the United Nations to look into unexplained phenomena and for a long time they were a covert operation.  The British Prime Minister knew they existed, and they answered to Geneva, but they weren't known to the wider public until after they shut down three years ago.

Shane:  I'm sure that meeting went GREAT.  'Hey, everybody, thanks for coming down this Monday morning. Erm...thanks for protecting us from alien invasions for the last 50 years and for keeping such a great secret about it.  Here's your reward: you're all fired, and we're going to tell the entire world what your names were and let you deal with the press about it for the rest of your life.  Have a great rest of your Monday!'  (Wheeze) What a bunch of shitty bosses.

Ryan: I mean, based on what little there is to read about how UNIT operated, the Brigadier we'll be talking about really had to go to bat for the organization in front of the Prime Minister a lot over the years in order to keep the operation going.  After the Brigadier died, they were able to keep going for awhile, but as you'll see from some of these stories we'll be looking at today, the organization was considered obsolete long before it was disbanded.

Shane: Okay, so the Doctor first appears in conjunction with this UNIT?

Ryan: Right, so in the 1960s, there was some weird circumstance that led to the London Underground shutting down and the Brigadier, who was only a Colonel in the regular British army at the time, ran into what he described as a "(quote) man with a foppish haircut, ratty waistcoat, and tartan patterned clown pants; a young teenage girl; and a full Scotsman (end quote)."  

Shane: So which is the Doctor?  

Ryan: In this case, it's the first description.  The man with the clown pants on.  (wheeze)

Shane: (wheeze) Do you think he had clown shoes on, too?

Ryan: See, I know exactly what you're picturing right now.  You're thinking of a guy with a depressing Beatles haircut and complete clown regalia, including the extra large shoes.

Shane: I am.  100%  And you know, given some of the things we saw when traveling around London, including on (*with a terribly fake posh Oxbridge accent*) the Tube, a man dressed as a clown running around the platforms underground wouldn't even register as weird on a normal day.

Ryan: (Conceding) That is true.  And on a normal day, I'd agree with you.  But, bear in mind, this was the 1960s -- not the modern day -- and the Tube at the time was closed to the public because of this unknown threat the army was trying to deal with.  And what's even more notable -- the reason why the future Brigadier apparently wrote about it in his official report to the Prime Minister -- is that the man who called himself the Doctor, together with the two other civilians, saved the day.  The details are sparse, but the Brigadier makes it clear that the Doctor is the one who figured out what was really going on and managed to deal with whatever the situation was with minimal casualties.

And that's just the first time the Doctor and the future Brigadier crossed paths.  There are later documents that report the Brigadier -- now promoted from Colonel and officially a Brigadier -- came across the same man and Scotsman, but a different young girl in London just weeks after the military organization known as UNIT was founded.  And AGAIN, whatever the situation actually was, the Doctor and his friends were the ones that helped UNIT save the day.

Shane: Am I the only one who finds it suspicious that the details are always missing?  Like, shady organization set up by the government to look into extraterrestrial happenings?  Sure. (*puts hands in the air in surrender to argument*) I'll buy that.  Governments do shady shit all the time.  But, I mean, things like shutting down the London Underground and alien happenings in the city of London itself.  People are going to notice, right?  And how shitty are the Brigadier's write ups that no one remembers or knows any of the happenings in Britain's capital?  "Dear Prime Minister, stuff happened.  Doctor did some other stuff.  Stuff stopped.  The end.  TTYL."  Sounds like someone was crap at his job and when things just luckily worked out, everyone just swept it under the rug.

Ryan: You see, I would agree with you there.  BUT...there are pictures.  We can't show them to the audience because of copyright, but if you know where to look online, people love to discuss the Doctor and all the people who have gone missing while looking for the Doctor, so.  Investigate at your own peril. But, Shane, here you go.

*the audience can't see the photos hidden by Ryan's open folder, but we see Shane's expression.*

Shane: (*laughs*)  That Doctor looks like a moron.  I mean, I still think the Brigadier must have been crap at his job, but he was bang on his descriptor of the Doctor looking like a clown.  And I take it the guy in the kilt is the Scotsman?

Ryan: Yeah, I looked up what full Scotsman means when I read the description and apparently it means a guy who wears a kilt with no underwear on underneath it.  Before that, I just assumed that it meant this other guy was wandering around the Underground, playing bagpipes and singing songs from Highlander or something.

Shane: You thought this guy was wandering around singing Who Wants to Live Forever over a decade before the film came out.  (wheeze)

Ryan:  Well, when we get into the theories that idea won't seem entirely out of place, I don't think.

Shane: Well, I'm going to go ahead and call a preemptive bullshit on that theory.

Ryan: Noted.

Ryan: (back in Theory VO) The next record of the Doctor's appearance comes about in the 1970s when a man is admitted to a local hospital after collapsing outside of a blue box in the woods.

Shane: There was a blue box in the woods?  Like, human sized or was he scrunched up in it like Shroedinger's cat?

Ryan: We'll get back to the box in a minute, but it's larger than a human, yeah.  In fact, it was something called a Police Public Call Box, which were common to see on city or town street corners in Britain in the 1950s and 1960s. The idea was that if police or citizens saw a crime being committed, they could either phone the police from the box or shove the criminal in the police box and go fetch a policeman.  But what's weird about the box in this case is: 1) it's in the middle of the woods, and not even on like, a hiking path or anything.  But, the legit WOODS.  And 2) it's the 1970s and police call boxes are no longer really a thing at this point.  But, once the man calling himself the Doctor gets to the hospital it gets even stranger.

Shane:  I mean, everything about this story so far feels like the Brigadier spinning a yarn, but keep going.

Ryan: So, the Brigadier gets a phone call from the hospital that a man called the Doctor has been admitted to the hospital.

Shane: Wait, how did the hospital know to call the Brigadier about that?  Was there a national bulletin?  Is the Doctor a wanted man or something?

Ryan: I don't know, man.  Maybe the police just call UNIT whenever something with the label "fucking weird" comes across their desk.  I don't know.  This is just what the report says.

Ryan: (theory voice) Due to a situation UNIT was overseeing in the area at the time, the Doctor's appearance was notably auspicious for the Brigadier, so the UNIT officer went to see if his friend could help with the investigation.  However, when he got the hospital, he discovered that he the man calling himself 'The Doctor' was not anyone he recognized.

Shane: Wait...what?

Ryan: (laughing).  I told you the situation at the hospital is weird.  So, the Brigadier is told that this man who has helped him out before has been admitted to a hospital that is nearby a situation that UNIT is investigating -- a clear sign, in the Brigadier's mind, that this Doctor who is injured is the same one he's met twice before -- and then discovers that it's a completely different man.

Shane: Well, I mean...that's not *too* weird.  I mean, the man is in a hospital, and you usually see doctors in a hospital.  And I'm sure a lot of doctors are known more by their title than their surname.  There are millions of doctors on the planet, so I don't know if two different people wanting to be called Doctor is all that unusual.

Ryan: (with a haughty smile) That makes perfect sense, but listen to this.

Ryan: (Theory voice)  The Brigadier assumed at first that the patient calling himself the Doctor was a coincidence and started to leave the room.  However, he found himself called back when he heard the unknown man call the Brigadier by name. The conversation made it clear that, not only did the patient know the Brigadier's full name, but also knew the circumstances under which the Doctor and the Brigadier had met both times before. Information which, at the time, was highly classified and known only to those in the Prime Minister's office and those who had been in the UNIT planning room at the time of the situational crises.

Shane: Okay, I'm going to call it.  I'm going with spy.  I think the Doctor is a code name and this guy inherited  the call sign and the information from the Doctor's previous operations.  

Ryan: So, you think this is like, a 007 scenario?  

Shane: I mean, I'm sure you'll peddle some alien abduction theory or some other supernatural bullshit, but...yeah.  I'm going spy call sign.  Makes sense to me so far.

Ryan: Well, you might not be a *total* dipshit, but...we'll see.  There's still quite a bit more to cover. This isn't even the tip of the weird iceberg.

Shane: (sarcastically) Oh joy...

[cellard0ors]

Top Five LEAST Favorite Episodes of Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime

I noticed by post, Top Ten Favorite Episodes of Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime, was getting some traction...

...so I thought, why not be all controversial and do the reverse?! 

Again, this is just my opinion on episodes and it’s not intended as negativity, so much as a look at episodes that I wasn’t enchanted with. Also, this is not to say they are poorly made or that the boys did a bad job - they just weren’t my particular cup of tea, and hey, they’ve done so well I could only find 5 I’m not that into...

As Shane says, we’re allowed to disagree.

That being said (*wheeze*) I present, in no particular order - my top five LEAST fave eps (thus far) of Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime!

The Scandalous Murder of William Desmond Taylor

This episode actually had a lot of funny parts and it wouldn’t have been bad...save for the acting bits. Here’s the thing - sometimes the acting bits work, like in the Gardner Heist, sometimes they don’t - like in this. 

In this, it felt like there were a bit too many of them and it sort of took me out of the story. Made it feel a little too Unsolved Mysteries for me, and one of the things I like the most about the show is how it’s a more modern, updated version of that show.

Hence why this one is on the list, despite the great commentary (ie, Shane’s sex sounds and Ryan reading that ridiculous letter. IloveoyuIloveIloveyou...)

Enigmatic Death Of The Isdal Woman

For the record, it’s my understanding Sara played some part in this - which is friggin’ awesome. However, I wish it had been for a more interesting case. It’s not that this case DIDN’T have intrigue, it’s just that it seemed very cut and dried to me - she’s a spy. The end.

I know they never confirmed that - and between that and her death - it is all very unsolved. But it didn’t feel that way to me and, maybe, because we didn’t know a lot about the woman - I couldn’t feel much connection to her and thus wasn’t as interested in her story - harsh, mean - but true.

Suspicious Case of The Reykjavki Confessions

Let me start this one by saying - UNDERLINED - that this is more my personal opinion than anything else and - honestly - from here, all the episodes I talk about will be very much in that vein...

THAT BEING SAID - While I enjoyed the psychology found within this story interesting, I wasn’t a huge fan of how much Shane was - again, my opinion - sort of bragging about his trip and how great Iceland is.

Like, I’m glad you enjoyed your vacation, but it just came across kind of pompous to me. Again, I’m sure not his intent, just how I took it. I found myself sort of eye rolling upon occasion and thus having a hard time focusing on the story.

Also, the story is just sort of not intriguing to me. The psychology, yes - the actual unsolved crimes? No.

Creepy Murder in Room 1046

I actually REALLY like this episode save one thing - it gave birth to the Ricky Goldsworth phenomena. I both do and do not like Ricky Goldsworth. Why? Because this is when rabid fandom comes into play.

It’s a funny bit - but when pushed too far, it becomes really not funny really fast. I was in DC at one of their Crime Talks and the way people went on and on about Ricky...

...I felt a level of secondhand embarrassment I have not felt since the Supernatural fandom (looks at Destiel ppl) Here’s the thing - you can like something. Love it even. But don’t be PUSHY.

Don’t ask creators to dance like a monkey for you. Be respectful. You’ve got to know, internally, when something might get tiresome for them. To be asked the same thing over and over and over again...

It’s like when you work in retail and something doesn’t have a tag and someone’s all, ‘I guess it’s free?!?’. No. No it is not, good sir, and you know that. You’re better than that. You know that sort of thing has been said before and that we’re all side-eyeing you for asking in that stupid jokey voice.

Same ground to me - the idea of Ricky? Not so bad. The people practically beating others over the head about it? Not good.

Treacherous Treasure Hunt of Forrest Fenn

Let’s get a few things out of the way first - LOVE the Indiana Jones jacket. LOVE the montage.

The rest?

I think it was mostly the bit where they ‘found’ the treasure and had the shades and the car. I get the joke. But it wasn’t funny to me. At all. Granted, this is allllllllllll personal taste. Lots of people thought it was hilarious. I thought it was just sort of jack-assery which, again, was probably the joke/idea, but it just turned me off.

It was example of - as much as I love the show - it’s grown up a lot from the old days of them just sitting in the room discussing the case and I frankly kind of miss that. To me, the simplest approach is sometimes the best. So that’s probably why I take issue with it.

IN CONCLUSION

Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crimes makes some FANTASTIC episodes. I had to struggle to find ones I’m not big on or barely watch. That’s why this list is so small. I was going to go for ten like the other list, but couldn’t even get that high.

I apologize if any of this came across as preachy or too salty for you all. It was merely an experiment in opinions and airing out thoughts. I’ll always love the show and the boys, but there’s always room for improvement.

To close out with something uplifting...

[hotdadlicense]

ahh for my dearest zhenya @fapfapfashion lover! heres that bfu post i said id make for you like monnnnnths ago i PROMISE i never forgot! just :(:( life. but anyway this was FUN i love youuuu! disclaimer: im not rly in the fandom this is all stuff i see through like just some friends reblogging stuff every now and again and whenever i go to the tag to find stuff sometimes but ANWAY I HOPE its semi coherent <3<3<3 love YOU.

OKAY I FEEL LIKE i said YEH ILL MAKE YOU A MASTERPOST FUCK YEAH but now im like hmmm making a buzzfeed unsolved masterpost is.......not that much cos its like? all there on their youtube channels like its not like music or stuff where theres yknow albums! singles! unreleased songs! special live performances! music videos! documentaries! band info! like its all over on buzzfeed multiplayer youtube and buzzfeed unsolved network youtube but whatever i can ramble about dumb shit and link some stuff so ayeee.

heres the links to the actual videos:

SUPERNATURAL

+ season one // two // three // four // five

+ supernatural: postmortem

TRUE CRIME

season one // two // three // four

+ true crime: postmortem

all eps in order (including postmortem)

personal favs

a vid that bab @chantillystars linked me and i watch it every time im feelin not fresh so i can smile

someone elses better done video round up master post! op ur incredible

now under the cut cos i realy did ramble :(

okay so THE HOSTS!

RYAN BERGARA (insta//twitter)

the fucking creator and inventer of bfu its his baby and im so proud of him and how far its come <3

when the season finale of the latest supernatural premiered it trended at number 1 over the fucking new lion king trailer and he got emo on twitter and insta about it and i cried a lil bit

fucking loves sports basketball or whatever themeparks popcorn and paddington bear

not scared enough of ghosts to not sleep in a haunted house but is scared enough that he absolutely will scream the whole entire time that he is in said haunted house

first ghost encounter was on the queen mary when he was a teenager. the ghost knocked his toothpaste of the shelf and he freaked. and now he has shat his pants at every bump in the night since. icon!

works his ass for to produce mass amounts of content for us like its fucking insane? all up there are like 9 seasons of bfu plus post-mortems and its only been going since 2014?? plus everything else hes got happening??

rly sweet and funny but like in a frat boi kinda way but like. a frat boi you could trust?

SHANE MADEJ (insta//twitter)

wasnt actually the original cohost!

(BRENT was the orignal host but had to beg out a couple episodes in cos he was juggling too many commitments so which fair!)

ryan and shane were desk partners and longtime buzzfeed pals that ? if i remember correctly? interned together back when they first started?

ryan turned to shane one day and was like ‘yo, wanna cohost this show with me?’ and shane was like 'sure.’ and honestly trying to picture it now without shane?? okay ryan and shane just bounce off each other so well theyre like a dream team. god bless them being desk buddies and work pals.

shanes a freak

does not believe in ghosts spirits orbs and all things that go bump in the night like he seems to genuinely want to but like. science and his big ass brain wont let him.

very smart! can rly work a patterned floral shirt! or plaid! kinda gives a dad vibe in glasses but then he talks and its like okay please never supervise a child!

v into history! so much so that he has his own lil show on buzzfeed aka:

RUINING HISTORY

stars him along with ryan and sara (his beautiful and smart and talented gf who also works at buzzfeed <3) with some other ever changing cohosts

hes also responsible for The Hot Dog Saga aka THE HOTDAGA and i know there are people that adore it but! in their own words! id rather walk into the sea.

ryan, too, hates the hotdaga and i feel like this was? about the hotdaga after shane sung something fuck if i remmebr

RYAN + SHANE

these gifs are from the ?second ep? i saw of them honestly it rly sums up the ryan/shane dynamic i guess

but like. the way ryan looks and laughs whenever shane says something mildly funny? hearteyes mutherfucker

above when i said shanes a freak? yeah.

ryan letting shane live as long as he has? true friendship

whenever theyre at the lil desk in their lil basement talking cases shane just talks shit and ryan just lets him and i fucking love them

the LAST FRAME

oh one time they lucked out with a hotel that had a jacuzzi tub <3

yknow what? this was actually kinda sweet. like yeh bitch

shane madej: nations greatest tragedy.

i can hear this in my head just looking at these gifs and it makes me laugh everytime and thats BAD cos a child fucking died

shanes a freak pt.2

OH SHIT one time in postmortem they joked that brent was coming back and shane was leaving and fuck? they had to actually address that it was a joke fUCK

its not all shittalking and screaming there really is some fond and happy shit too

bfu most recognisable and iconic line.

shanes hottest pick up lines when hes on site

the comments on the video for this ep about this part are fucking hilarious please read when you watch that ep

okay its common knowledge that shanes a demon which ill tlak about in a sec but THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE? ryans the fucking demon. like the way hes just standing there, hands clasped behind his back, giving shane (whos acting like a CHILD) that Look? demon bout to kill the dumbass chillin at a haunted house on halloween. come to collet a soul or 10. magical!

OKAY SO SHANE TALKS SOME BIG GAME IN THE EPS but HIS love for ryan will always melt my heart like HE LOVES and cares about ryan so much and supports buzzfeed unsolved so much and whenever things get dumb on social media shanes ready to call it out and make a post or just like. praise ryan (like he rightfully deserves) and yeah im emo about it anyway hes shane being cute part one and heres shane REALLY FUCKING going all out (!!!!!!!!!!.meme)i LOVE him also being cute part two

‘id walk into the sea.’

shanes a freak pt.3

ryan: “Are ghosts real?” shane: *this dumb face*

NERDS

i laughed for like 10 minutes the first time i watched this part thankyou shane

THEM LAUGHING TILL THEY CRIED ABOUT SOMEONE THAT DIED PLAYING THE PIANO

a real insight to shanes mind

ryan really puts up with this

shane got a bowlcut once just for funsies like okay youre no joba but good job i guess

TROPES/ICONIC MEMES/WAHTEVER:

shanes a demon

+ free real estate.meme

+ the office.meme

+ he aint right

+ JALDSHFK FUCK

+ ryan acknowledging that shane is a demon thankyou

+ like the good thing about having a guest fill in on the few times shanes been away has been ryan always being like okay so the demons not here so lets just acknowledge That

goatsman bridge

+ the video that started all this aka the one you reblogged hehhehe

+ what a fucking JOKE

+ an absolute JOKE

+ bridge owner fuck OFF

+ ksdjhfgjhsdkj.meme

sallie house

+ shane was insufferable this episode i fell in love for real how did ryan LIVE

+ like imagine trying to feel your heart beating while fucking shanes over there doing That

+ rock n roll buckaroo

+ swell has become apart of my daily vocal i hate

bobby mack

+ ‘hey there demons. its me, ya boi.’

+ ‘and frankly i dont believe in you, so i feel like im writing a letter to santa claus right now.’

+ tweet.meme

+ overall a great ep

+ can shane calm the fuck down okay i need ryan to make it out of this SAFELY and ALIVE

father thomas

+ ryans FACE also shane being that annoying sibling to ur parents

+ father thomas really went into this thinking he could help these boys to be fair shane was taking notes. ryan was just? dying inside

+ freak

+ imagine being like a 70 yr old priest hearing some dudes walking into ur congregation and overhearing ‘jesus said chill.’

bigfoot

+ ryan does not rly believe in bigfoot but shane does so like you win some you lose some

+ in the least shippy way possible this epsiode is ultimate soft gays going on a hike

+ like its just such a sweet domestic ep

+ <3

+ just happy babbey