#saw something and im. not having a good one lmao
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im not really that kind of person but sometimes i think i should use the blacklist options on this website
#my posts#just.#saw something and im. not having a good one lmao#partially very mad#and partially just. as one is when he sees something he probably shouldnt have seen when not exactly mentally okay lmao#. at times like this its when one goes back to studying as a paalate cleanser of sorts#. i fucking hate it#whatever its just. idek if i could have properly even blacklisted it to begin with bc i really just. forget thats an option#and i just live like this#but. no yeah if it didnt make me mad it was gonna probably slide and nothing would have happened. or at least not this point#now tho? it. just sucks#also thoughts ive been having earlier that were like. okay and all good about them are bad now so like. yeah
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[Abandoned by the Lightners, his heart became cracked with hatred.]
Hitting a lil' too close to home?
#junie art post#ink sans#error sans#utmv#errorink#implied. but yea not the focus#this has been turning around in my mind for quite some time. im glad to finish it lmao idk if my ramblings make sense even.#so like listen. do you ever think about how similar the function of the utmv is to the dark worlds in deltarune.#in a meta narrative to fandom sense? idk the word#we are making exaggerated expanded worlds of the ordinary tools and entertainment of the real world and make it into something more#isnt that very very interesting?#and we explore every sort of possibility in that creation. both good and bad#and when all is said and done. every possibility found and the entertainment and secrets has all run out#we put it away. abandon and leave it behind#what is left? what happens to the world and characters we have created? can it sustain without us?#what of the ones left in the dark?#idk if yall saw me a few months ago but i reblogged comyet's old post of ink begging us not to leave him alone and to keep creating#yea that never left me#and seeing exactly THAT SCENARIO in deltarune made my brain iTCH#imagine an ink in King's position.... wait isnt that just underverse#mmmmmmm. darkner ink.....#also error is here too. not just for errorink or that i can't separate these two to save my life#but error is also one of the few people to be able to GET IT?? he can hear the creators too. ink cant#but hes pretty much programmed himself to avoid having a mental break down to this via reboot memory loss.#and ink has his own internal coping mechanism (hooray for short term memory loss)#these two idiots will do anything but confront truths lmfao#ahhh my favorite idiots. never change#mmmmm#deltarune
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the council has spoken
#milgran't#council posting#the council has spoken. literally#but no sorry im just. celebrating a mild(ish) victory#i think i like. shared food? with another part?? for the first time??? like. Ate Together???#idk i always heard/saw other systems talk about doing stuff like that. like doing Things Together.#and i was just kinda like... :/// when i'd see it bc i didnt know what the Fuck they were talking about because we dont communicate for shi#so. I Suppose There Was Some Envy There. Perchance. (<- you cant just say ''perchance'' /ref)#usually ''doing things together'' means one alter doing something while another yells from somewhere about how much they want to die lmao#or the ''thing'' we do together is fight about what we want to do#but now.... i have experienced..... the mythical ''system bonding''............. feels good...................#..... i hope they come back again soon to share food again... 🥺#idek who it was so. i guess ill just get the same food out occasionally and be like ''pspspspspspsps''--#going to achieve internal communication via feral cat techniques
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Nezuko centric au where Tanjiro's killed during the Mugen Train mission- Giyuu becomes her caretaker and trains her Inosuke & Zenitsu instead of letting them fumble along
#this is one of my older aus but i never did anything w it lmao#enmu wasnt killed as early as he was so when akaza showed up he didnt have enough time to kill kyojuro#tanjiro probably dies trying to kill enmu. nezuko focuses on him and didnt pay attention to the upper moon showing up. just#reliving the moment she lost almost everything- now its really all gone. nothing left but shut off memories of the good and the tainted#memories of the *worst*#giyus fucked up losing yet another person he cares about and finally stops being passive-#it hurts all the same. so why not go in head first?#he trains nezuko how to use breath of water (that she adapts with her demon blood art & afterlife tanjiro/tanjuro/yoriichi guide her)#he also trains zenitsu & inosuke since they wont leave her or tanjiro's memory behind#canon events slow down at this point because kagaya's on guard about tanjiro's loss and they arent down a pillar#kyojuro also vouches for nezuko bc he saw her first hand defending people before she got... sidetracked...#maybe something about losing tanjiro finally makes the cage around her mind snap to reality and she regains her senses a bit faster#i imagine she'd have moments where she sleeps for long periods of time & sometimes is super spacy and unaware/childlike#she doesnt go on normal slayer missions all the time like she did with tanjiro though#so she has a lot more time to physically & mentally fortify#im roping genya into this somehow hes babey and im NOT leaving him out.#inosuke drags him kicking and screaming because hes also got demon-like abilities and thats good to know about right??#giyuu keeps him because 1 more the merrier 2 he can hone his demonic abilities safely w nezkuo 3 it pisses sanemi off#genyas still mostly with gyomei because hes got the physical strength and alternate weapon style which is always good but giyuu actually#keeps in touch about genya- well. tries to as much as he can with kanzaburo mixing up his letters.#maybe matsuemon takes over as nezuko's crow instead & kinda steps in for stuff relating to nezuko- ie news abt demon boy#loserboy giyuu posting#kamado nezuko#kny au#nezukos revenge au#i mention it now bc i wanna draw the little scene i have of her and giyuu chilling in their grief
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show me a character that used to be human but somehow got turned into a creature with a cool and cute/silly character design against their will and gets angst relating to the way they weren't accepted by the people around them in some way due to that (it was completely outside their control) and my neurodivergency goes on FULL DISPLAY. I EAT THAT STUFF UP. I WANT TO FIND MORE STUFF LIKE THAT. RAAAAGHAGHJG....
#i saw an animation about an oc that fits all of these traits#and i went so feral over it that i sent it to a friend#rambled to them about how much i love it#and then made my first not checkpoint yotube comment in YEARS#i have social anxiety. i never comment on yotube animations#im literally watching it rn its so cook holy shit#cool*#if i do have autism this is how it is manifesting#and i. for one. am not complaining#transformation angst is SO GOOD. i wish there was an easy way for me to find more#that animation made me remember how mentally ill i am for the transformation trope#i thought i was just beginning to move on from it but NOPE. IT'S A PART OF ME FOREVERRRR#i think the way i love this specific lore type probably says something about me lmao#screaming into the void
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#lmao like ...... ok i found something out about a friend recently n im just so Disappointed and angry#i feel like.... used JDJDJDJJFJ#and like.. also manipulated but i also kinda saw it coming. i guess im just nad at myself#bci thought my radar had become pretty good. but u know. maybe i shouldnt always give the benefit of the doubt :)))))#this isnt about the guy i have a crush on btw LMAO. hes actually the one that shed the light so........ shouts out JDJDKDJDKKDDKKDKDM#personal#ive tried to write this post like 6 times NDNDMNDDDDDD#im just disappointed idk. like its not my fault ik but......... hhhh#why do ppl have to be such assholes............
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Okay okay so. Thinking.
I've mapped out how I want to pay off my credit cards, which means I'll only be getting new stuff pretty sporadically, which means I need to appreciate the zero cost things in my life, like:
- the 2.5 foot tall stack of unread books I have
- the violin I might finally actually pick up again
- the 500+ drawing prompts I've been hoarding
- the list of anime I still need to watch
- the 3000+ songs in my watch later playlist
- the stickers I've been neglecting to cut
- yarn??? I have a lot of yarn
- all the pink fabric leftover from moth cosplay
- the candles and incense I also already have
In short, time to actually use the stuff that I have 😭
#though. i do want one more candle. they're putting minty smells in the winter ones and it smells cold#i need a cold smelling candle that is warm and on fire i just need that very strange contrast#but yeah!! will spend a little testing out acrylic charms but for the most part#we're gonna hang out at home for a while and express gratitude or whatever lmao#okay but i think it will actually be nice to start getting through all those books skjfkdkd#and to watch the bigger name anime to actually see them lmao; saw a lot at the con i recognized but hadn't actually watched#and also my music!! all my music bc i am clinically insane about music; miku playlist advancement...#this isn't even touching on the games i have now ksjfkf if either of you are reading this 👀 i still wanna get yall something#and I'm planning the exact day i wanna do it 😤#but yeah I'm thinking it over and am like. oh boy time for self improvement skjdkfkf#also finances will get easier bc im not ubering all over and I'm not seeing docs for my stomach now that the ulcer has been resolved#i made back half of what i spent getting the car in only 4 months and that feels good to see#it's still gonna be some hard work but we're gonna make it; I'm also highballing one of the cards#the hotel put a damages hold on my card and my math factors that in; they said that money would go back to me in 5 or so#business days so that'll be a little less to be concerned with; I'll still try to pay what numbers i found though#do it faster and do it better and idk what the fuck I'll do with the cards bc. 30% apr...........#idk i could get groceries with them and then pay them off? take that credit score you'll just eat that shit up won't you..#surprisingly my credit score hasn't taken any super ugly hits from this and i aim to keep it that way lmao#anyways. that's a lot of words to say that i want to actually use my stuff lmao#shai speaks
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sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school
#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful#did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w#possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting#plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there#my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh!#not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO#i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig#need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn#but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :)#like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends.#even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP#idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus#yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted)#a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay!#im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid.#he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party#and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate#and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :)#and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING#good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT
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going to see oppenheimer again tmrw this time on imax ✌ most filmbro thing ive done probably
#it's been some time since i saw anything in imax wheehee#the fact that there's only 1 godforsaken imax screen in this city and you have to like#get your ticket one week in advance to be able to find any tickets at all lmao#anyway the only reason i really really wanted to see it in imax was the FUCKIN SOUND DESIGN.... it haunts me#and i wanna see cillians pretty face on imax maybe. would that be such a bad thing to do#also i feel like i have to see this one at least one more time to form a finalized opinion on it#i feel like it deserves it#btw ive been talking abt it like it's a perfect movie for me or something and let me tell u that's NOT the case lol#im just fascinated by well made art even though it has clearly many flaws#i also love it when media makes me incredibly uncomfortable#so yeah. let's see how a 2nd viewing will shape my opinions#anyway i feel like it's been a good summer of cinema for me#🗒
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currently thinking about lighthouse keeper hdb and ship captain kim kitsuragi................
like.. look. hes in the lighthouse. alone. only company his skills and some alcohol to also keep himself warm in the winter. most interactions he has are the people that he gets stuff for his own survival. dora's been out of the picture for a looooooong time now, he wasnt around often, the pay isnt relayable, and every time she met him he was worse, so she left. all he has is himself, and the lighthouse.
there are times in which the light will reflect on the fog in the ocean, and he will see her in there, as if she was a guardian angel with long blonde hair who would take any ship coming nearby into her hands as toy boats, and she could decide if theyd make it to safety, or if shed just drown it on a whim. all he can do is manifest her with the lights, but her actions are her own.
and then theres kim, the diligent captain of a ship that has all the love in his heart, something he can use to move through fog and pale alike without losing himself to his surroundings, always ready to make sure him and as many as his men survive what the sea has to offer them, but he knows its dangerous, all of them do, everyone is ready to lose their lives if it comes to it. storms and tides and an inavility to see through the weather, they are all ready to manouver the ship or die trying.
thankfully at the worst times, theres always a helping hand, a guiding light helping him move in the right direction, making sure hes able to keep them as safe as possible even through the worst storms and the densest of fogs hes ever seen.
#my posts#and for organization so i can find this in my blog one way or the other:#disco elysium#hdb#kim kitsuragi#harrykim#the.. harrykim is mostly implied. i. dont know how id make them meet#also... hi i love including his fucked up relationship with dora in everything i can like i find it so interesting so its always there#ah and this au while it could work the other way around... look at me. harry being the one guiding and saving kim. is just..#very important to me....#maybe once they meet depending on how it could be a mutual thing but#yeah idk#i think that if i knew how to make the specific details for my ideas i wouldnt just post them like this id be writing fics lmao#tho idk the only fic i wrote was like.... this year its gonna be ten years since i havent tried to write sdiugdhsgu#ah whatever im calling this guiding lights. idk. hopefully ill remember and find it if i want to lmao#guiding lights au#but... yeah.......#also silly detail this is bc a few days ago i was drawing kim as a captain and harry as a sailor but. more like a costume with a skirt#bc well. i have that and i think hed look good on it. i havent finished it yet but ill get back on it at some point#and well its been on my mind but also i saw something about a lighthouse and automatically i thought#'.... oh no. harry du bois as a lighthouse keeper.....' and i wrote this just now and im not gonna check if it makes sense lmao#im just going with the vibes i may think about it later again and properly get an idea but like.. yeah i wrote this in 30 min#the details are for another time if they have to happen dughsgdsgh anyways!!!!!!!
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#tw ed#saw a picture of myself from when i was *checks notes* at my fucking worst with my ED but that meant i was also Thinner.#i really should Go Back huh. maybe if i did i wouldnt feel. Like This.#it'd prolly mean id start losing my hair again which. not a big fan. BUT.#if i was really dedicated i could also lose my period which. huge fan. that was one of the best things that ever happened to me tbh#i could have it all back. maybe i could even get farther than the last time. all it would take is uhh feeling utterly fucking miserable#having no energy for the most basic stuff let alone singing and thinking about nothing and i mean NOTHING but calories 24/7.#but hey. maybe i could like. lose 5 kg for my troubles and then gain back twice as much when i decide again that i just Cant Live Like This#totally worth it huh#anyway. i miss hating my body A Little Less and people being Nicer to me and everyone telling me how good of a job im doing#and encouraging me to keep going. and i miss the sense of Accomplishment and the Pride and the Not Feeling Disgusting#or at least Making Up For It by just. not eating lol#cause like its not like im actually much better mentally am i lmao clearly im not. only now im both miserable AND fat.#obviously ill never be s/kinny let alone as s/kinny as my friends. ill still look like a glitch in the system and a mistake next to them.#but if i have to be miserable anyway i could at least be. less f/at about it right. maybe then ill be worth something <3#...and other delusions you keep cultivating because there's something deeply and inherently wrong with you#my new bestseller coming soon to your nearest bookshop dont miss it its only $free.99!
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loveeeeeeee when my one very spoilt flatmate says some shit about how she treats her mum/how she talks to her mum and me and my other flatmate just look at each other for a silent moment and both just go 'no id be dead'
#like flatmate no.1 is the spoilt one and ive known her as well as flatmate no.2 since not just first year but FRESHERS#like these are my uni 4lifers we've known each other since the first two weeks flatmate no.2 i met on my first DAY#so it's quite funny bc ive SEEN flatmate no.1 change her atittude over time#and i think it's a joint effort of being exposed to different people at uni#and also bc ive just beaten her down every time she says something even remotely ignorant/spoilt#like i normally wouldnt give myself that much credit for a single person's character arc but flatmate no.2 BARELY saw us last year#and me and flatmate no.1 were basically joint at the hip so it was a proximity thing more than me just being super cool and inspiring#so basically what im getting at is that in first year she was sooooo shamelessly spoilt#and it was so clear she just had never hung out with people who WERENT spoilt#and nowadays she's v good at letting herself be the butt of the joke and she still gets iffy about dumb shit#but generally speaking she takes what we give her now whereas she used to ARGUE and that boiled my fucking blood#and it means we can talk more easily about these things and one thing that comes up A LOT is the difference in parenting#like i shit you not this girl uses a baby voice on her parents. it's actually uncomfortable#me however i was raised with a bloody mercenary whose genuine worst insult for us was to call us middle class LMAO#like my mum put tough love into the dictionary her VERBATIM catchphrase is 'fall in or fuck off'#and flatmate no.2 is ESTRANGED from her mum and has a very on-off relationship with her dad that has all round left her very independent#like for her there was no one there to spoil her and for me the person that was there would literally have rather died than have spoilt kid#so flatmate no.1 will say some bratty shit and me and flatmate no.2 are just there like??? are you fucking deranged???#the example that caused this post is that flatmate no.1's mum went into her room#and she was like '.... it smells like weed in here darling....' and my flatmate POINTED AT HER WEED AND WENT 'YEAH THAT'S WHY'#and she was telling us as a haha funny and i was like. THE DISRESPECT?#like my mum would be less angry about the weed than she was about the fact i didnt even respect her enough to hide it if that makes sense#she'd fucking clobber me id be out on the bloody street LMAO#spoilt kids and/or pushover parents just baffle me like i have never won a fight against my mum what are you even doing#'why didn't you do [rebellious thing] as a kid' BITCH I WAS SCARED LMFAO#hella goes to uni
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#no one asked but i was just thinking about this video i saw a few weeks ago#its in the us and this kid is testifying? or something and basically exaplaining a book that he picked up in school#the book was heartstopper and he was reading through a scene where theyre considering/gonna have sex i think?#something along those lines#and this kid is somewhere from 12-14 i would say right#anyways the argument was basically an addition to all this talk about banning books basically im guessing right#but im just laughing because its like. the kid picked the book up and read it. if he didnt want to read it like... put it back#and for anyone thinking im mental because kids should not be allowed access to that kind of content!!!#when i was 10/11 in my PRIMARY school library for some reason there was a copy of bridesmaids#and i read it. now that is a fully Adult as in O-O yes in that way Romance book#and i remember being like i dont think this should be in school but i jsut didn't think too hard about it#anyways i guess what im trying to say is its not that deep. especially if its a book that is not part of the curriculum#like just dont read it lmao#and the books that are actually part of the curriculum from what ive seen are usually like good education#all this talk of free speech and then this bs#aNYWAYS#thanks for coming to my ted talk#le text post
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whenever i remember that high school as a time period existed (or school at all really) i get this awful visceral tug in my gut, like... this sick feeling... i don’t think about it at all anymore unless i’m reminded of something... thankfully! school was such a mountainous draining terrible thing, this huge weight that engulfed everything in my life and it’s so weird to me that it’s just gone now, so far behind me that i don’t even think about it. so so so so so so weird. but it obviously still inhabits a very deep part of me, and whenever i’m reminded of those years... damn. that shit was so traumatic, i’m 26 and still unable to function bc of what went on there :’)
#ed mumbles#over the past 6 months or so a lot of trauma has been surfacing#guess the school trauma is juuuust beginning to come up as well @_@#it's ok it's ok it's a process it's a process#shits gotta come up to be processed in the brain i know#need to talk about it with my therapist#good thing im seeing her tomorrow!#except even seeing her 3x a week i STILL have so much to talk about#that i only have time to get through like 1/10ths of the things i need to talk about immediately in one session#i rmb a friend hearing i saw her once a week and saying 'how do you have that much to talk about' or something#girlie i wouldnt run out of things if i saw her 5 days a week for a year lmao
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#finally america doing something good and having their v strange footie final and r i h a n n a ?#americans dont @ me if you are my friend you are not the americans who i hated at my old job#also yes i saw t h e l i k e s#that said i remain committed to the most freeing thing nick did after leaving breakfast was what they did#one day ill get drunk and answer that anon lmao#also henry and his flag thingy wqs cute and im glad the ny gigs were so much for him and for all of you who got to go. lovely joy.#this is all i am a shadow of a silv#whose silv the children will ask#you'll get a faraway look in your eye sometimes i still hear her whispering in a tag post#i love you all and my life is emotional and exhausting so being here during high!fandom!drama! aka all the damn time these days is not the#vibe
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i don't wanna jinx it but just from this first day i get the impression that this is gonna be a pretty good year
#or like. good nine months#only been back at school for a day and already#the new-ish friends i made on the last week are still talking to me#so thats a good sign :33#plus I GOT TO SEE MY FRIENDS THAT LITERALLY DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH THIS SUMMER#like they werent messaging at all and i missed them soso much but i saw them today and was like#waagh where thefuck were you i missed you#i feel rlly bad that my irl friends basically. do not know that this tumblr account exists#but if im being super honest i Do Not know how id explain half the stuff on here to them#they are definitely NOT tumblr people LMAOO most of them use tiktok as their primary social media#(< this is why i havent posted any oc content btw lmao)#(i do have ocs im just like. slightly terrified of the idea of posting them and my irl friends seeing them and going#“omg is this ur account?????” like if that happens im jumping ship so fast bahahaha)#(but maybe one day)#(until then i just feel like im living a secret double life or something hehe. double life where i am cringe On Line)#good lord im rambling sorry guys
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