#scary knight gay women are hot

[solarvulpes]

[dangermousie]

Reading list for the month - hooray for the Middle Ages!!

I’ve not really been watching much lately (except that I just discovered the Legend of Fuyao and it’s AHMAZING) but I have been reading a bunch, hence the reading list. I also have a v short attention span so while I am not reading all the books listed below that I recently got and/or put on my kindle, I am reading about five of them at once.

As you can tell, I am on the Middle Ages kick right now. Also, as you can tell, current historical crushes are apparently William the Conqueror and Edward the Black Prince and Richard III (always.) Hmmmm.

Valerie Anand, King of the Wood - how many novels are there about the time of William Rufus aka Fabulously Gay aka Killed By Arrow Mysteriously Probably By Orders of Baby Bro? This one revolves around William and Ralph de somebody, a minor nobleman who comes over to get lands and power. Ralph is young and hot and William fancies him and even though Ralph is not inclined that way, he is not going to turn down a roll or dozen in the hay with the king if it gets him closer to his goal. Apparently this all leads to mixed results, eventual death of William, ancient pagan rites, Ralph getting some land and a hot wife, and overall a very sympathetic portrayal of William Rufus. I have not started yet though.

Anna Belfrage, The Cold Light of Dawn - the fourth and possibly last in one of my favorite medieval series that follows the lives of a minor knight, Adam, and his arranged but then more, wife, Kit during the reigns of Edward II and III.  This is such a lovely lovely series and this book so far is as good as the rest. Adam is a protege of Roger Mortimer (of the “de facto ruler of England, lover of Queen Isabella’ fame) and when the book 1 starts is slated to arrange marry a spoiled aristocrat who is missing so her family hastily substitutes a bastard daughter and lieeeees. The books follow them as they fall in love, reveal their secrets, try to survive in a pretty horrible time period etc etc. Adam eventually becomes close to Edward III which causes all sorts of internal conflicts. Book 1 is probably my fave (though second half of it is a giant trigger warning as Despenser takes Adam and, to lesser degree, Kit, under his notice) but all of them are good and the latest is wonderful as always. Frankly, by now, I love the lead couple so much, I could just read about them going about their business in their residence for 500 pages.  

Anna Chant, Three Times the Lady - I can’t believe I found a novel about Judith, first Countess of Flanders! If you do not know who she is, Judith was a daughter of a Frank king who married her to a much older king of Wessex. When the old man died, she married his grown son (this was a few centuries before the Church would have fits about this) and when that man died, she returned back home. Daddy King did not want to lose such a valuable bargaining chip (who was still quite young) either to make her own marriage or to be taken by some lord via kidnap so he stuck her in a remote fortress while he decided which potential husband would make the best bargain. Ummm. Hunky Baldwin was guarding the place, he and Judith fell for each other and with the help of her brother ran off and got married. Daddy King lost his mind, took Baldwin’s lands, the lovers had to go to the Pope to beg for help blah blah eventually Daddy King cooled down, Baldwin became the first Court of Flanders and got nicknamed Iron Arm for how hard he fought to protect his father in law. So basically, this is a RL medieval romance, of the “hot dude in chainmail holding pretty lady on cover” variety. Seriously - I am very surprised this is the only novel of her I know. I realize records were not as good as they were later but this just gives more room for license. I am quite excited to read this since I’ve read a couple of other books by Chant set around that time and loved them.

Joanna Courtney, The Conqueror’s Queen - Matilda, Mrs the Conqueror. Hmmmmmm. I am about 1/3 in. The book’s odd insistence on Matilda liking but not loving William despite his being amazing in beddddd and generally a stud muffin of stud muffiness is a little odd (it’s just an odd combo) but it’s a fun light read. What I would really love is for someone like Sharon Kay Penman to write a giant doorstopper of a series about that reign.

Joanna Courtney, The Constant Queen - about Elizabeth, the Russian wife of Harald Hardrada. I am about 60% in. It’s not as good as it could be (it doesn’t make Harald interesting which, even reading a short summary of his life on wikipedia - the man had an insane life) but it’s about a subject that’s not novelized often or even that well-know (in fact, prior to this book, the one thing I knew about Harald was that he was defeated by Harold Godwinson who then had to take his exhausted troops and march to fight William the Conqueror. If not for that, England now might be ruled by Harold’s and not William’s descendants.) Also, Elizabeth herself is likeable and the author does a good job on selling me that the two loved each other even while not falling into the trap of making the relationships modern (Harald has a hand-fast wife because he needs sons; it’s not much of an issue etc.) It’s a pleasant beach/travel read.

Dorothy Dunnett, King Hereafter - my favorite stand-alone period novel of all time and I am gonna reread it and bawl. It’s about Earl Thorfinn of Orkney, who Dunnett supposes to be the basis for historical Macbeth. It is simply the best historical novel ever written and if Thorfinn/Groa don’t move you, you have no heart. It’s also a rare book where people feel like people of the period, not modern people playing dress up.

Parke Godwin, Sherwood/Robin and the King - I used to love this bleak, emotional, amazing duology which moves the story of Robin Hood around the time of the Norman Conquest. I just got my hands on it again.

Karen Harper, The First Princess of Wales - ok, this is pretty much a romance novel. About Edward the Black Prince and Joan of Kent. So bring it on!

Justin Hill, Viking Fire - a novel about Harald Hardrada whose life I am fascinated by now

Thomas W. Jensen, As a Black Prince on Bloody Fields - I am currently about a third into this and loving it. It deals with basically the first half of the life of Edward the Black Prince, who is one of my favorite historical what-ifs. Oldest son and heir of Edward III, the Black Prince was a hell of a medieval warrior, very involved in Crecy and in charge in Poitiers, two of the three biggest English victories in the 100 years war. In the latter, heavily outnumbered English captured the French king himself. Also, interestingly, he married for love in quite a scandal. Instead of marrying a foreign royal, he married an English noblewoman, older than him (she was 32 when they married!!!), a widow with five children AND a scandalous history (her first two husbands had a fight that went all the way to the Pope about which one of them was her actual husband. There were secret marriages and all that.) He married in secret, his father eventually came around etc. He would have probably made a King in the scary but effective mold of Edward I, but on one of his campaigns, he contracted one of many nasty medieval diseases -  dystentery - which crippled and eventually killed him shortly before his father died, leaving his small son to become Richard II.  If the Black Prince was better about drinking clean water, Edward III would have been succeeded not by a small child who, as an adult, wasn’t particularly cut out for the rough business of medieval Kingship, but by a competent and scary adult warrior. Thus no Henry IV revolt (do you really want to face the man who almost conquered France), no war of the Roses, no Tudors, no Church of England. Anyway, he was a fascinating man, in some ways an epitome of medieval warrior class ideals but probably because of that, there aren’t too many novels about him in the last whatever years. Like Henry V, his virtues are a bit too alien for the modern world. He is VERY medieval. But I find him fascinating beyond measure and deserving of more books about him, so this excellent excellent novel is such a pleasure.

Susan Fraser King, Queen Hereafter - about Margaret, wife of Malcolm (of the son of Duncan, killer of Macbeth fame.) I know little about it except the topic interests me.

G. Lawrence, The Heart of the Conqueror - Matilda, again. Matilda here is portrayed as rather an anti-heroine, vain, ambitious and picking William because he’s the scariest and most capable man she met. They are monsters in love (though, frankly, their attitudes are not such much monstrous as early medieval) and I do love them so. I find it quite odd that the author chose to start her novel with the apocryphal story of Matilda insulting William’s courtship and calling him a bastard and William riding in to beat her up in her own father’s town and her deciding this is what she digs in a dude. Lawrence makes the beatdown, already possibly fictional, quite brutal, so it makes me wonder if Matilda is insane to decide William is it because of it. Also, he never lays a finger on her again so wtf. Oh well, historically they did seem to have a rare successful marriage so there is that - I don’t mind him being a good husband since it’s historically accurate, it’s just the weird start to the relationship that makes me boggle.

Rosanne E. Lortz, I Serve: A Novel of the Black Prince - you can tell I am on the Black Prince kick, right? This is about a squire to him and looks quite interesting but I haven’t read it yet.

Isolde Martyn, The Knight and the Rose - sometimes you are just in the mood for an angsty but happy medieval romance.

Anne O’Brien, The Virgin Widow - Romancey take on Anne and Richard III? Yes PLS. If I like this, I might end up getting more of the author’s books as she appears to specialize in known but not super famous medieval women with strong romantic relationships, so YES. I did find it tragically amusing that in order to make the end happy (I peeked), she ends before all the bad stuff happens - their son dying, Anne dying, Richard being killed etc. But then I bawled with the Sunne in Spendour so....

Edith Pargeter, The Brothers of Gwynnedd - reread. It’s a great, epic, tragic, poetic tale of the end of the Welsh independence and surprisingly, in light of all the tragedy, somewhat of a comfort read.

Judith Merkle Riley, A Vision of Light - about a widow of a medieval merchant, this has been recommended to me by multiple people. We shall see.

Anya Seton, Katherine - I read that book so long ago, I barely remember anything. But it’s a classic and Katherine Swynford has always been interesting and I am a sucker for RL romance so reread!!!

Freda Warrington, The Court of the Midnight King - a fantasy AU of Richard III where he gets to live and be happy with his mistress Kate (modeled on mother of his illegitimate child in RL) Oh YES.

[lordnelson100]

Female Character Meme

Rules: List ten of your favorite female characters in different fandoms. I bent this rule through Jesuitically counting different Tolkien works as different fandoms.

Tagged by @cycas hey Harriet Vane! yeah I love her too . . .

1) Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, Battlestar Galactica: reckless competence in her profession, total disaster in her feelings. A punch-throwing, hard drinking, competitive, messy-crying person, hiding a well of sadness and depression and apartness inside that sometimes you can see on her face. I love that the story never tries to "fix" her.

2) Donna Noble, Doctor Who: one of the ultimate companionate cross-gender friendships of all time.* I want her to ride forever together with the Doctor, making each other laugh, chiding and insulting one another. I love that she gets to be clumsy and have bad taste and indifference to proper/rich/in-group/cool standards and be both lovely and awkward and full of wonder and honesty that puts a curb on the Doctor's more frightening propensities

(* massive asterisk for the whole concept of gender for a serial reincarnator but that's another topic)

3) Storm, X-Men (comics, not movieverse): way before her time, the antithesis of the Action Girl trope. Iconic POC style-setter and outsider to United States cultural assumptions, and the better for it. Powerful yet empathetic, able to nurture without derailing her whole identity into care-taking, so NOT tortured by her natural role as a leader. Effortlessly passing the Bechdel Test wherever she roams with a river of different friendships with women heroes, girl sidekick, rival/hate/love with punk girl outlaws, and more.

4) Eowyn, Lord of the Rings: she and Galadriel stand at opposite ends of a spectrum, because Eowyn starts the story with one of the shittiest hands in the whole canon. How wonderfully eloquent she is about it. She is the female embodiment of gallantry, of acting with competence and determination and loyalty and honor even when it looks like there will be no reward at all except a courage no one will live to remember.

5) Tauriel, Hobbit filmverse: because of her stalwart anti-isolationist politics. Because she is realistic about the utter disaster that late Third Age Middle-earth is becoming, and wants her people to stop sticking their heads in tree boles and denying what's happening. Because she's willing to lose her boss/patron's favor by telling him he's wrong. Because she gracefully handles her guy friend's discomfort with her romantic life and goes her own way.  Because she is not afraid to experience the amused, giddy affection that Kili brings out in her.

(Yes, I am excavating a coherent figure out of the mere shreds that the film gives us. Bite me.)

6) Galadriel: The Silmarillion, Lord of the Rings, Unfinished Tales: she fought the long defeat. If I wrote a lot of comments about Galadriel they would be weak because she's one of those "I just secretly cherish every line about her" characters, whom I can't summarize because I would cut and paste every single snippet about her in canon.

She and Elrond are the only two Elves whose politics about other cultures I can stand (no wait, her brother Finrod too). 

Even though Jackson's attempt to include the White Council vs Necromancer in his Hobbit films was a steaming mess of incoherence, I utterly get why he wanted to.

Possibly worth it for Galadriel and Gandalf mentally shit-talking  Saruman while he sits in front of them with his lips moving.

7) Jane Eyre, Jane Eyre: from the moment she throws that book at her bully and throws down on her hypocritical aunt and the cruel head of the institution for producing submissive girls. Through telling Rochester that though she is plain and poor her soul is as great as his, to telling scary religious "nice guy" SaintJohn to go fuck himself and refusing to sacrifice her sexuality for a righteous social role.

8) Fa Mulan, Mulan: the Disney hero I wish existed in my childhood. Ride on, you gender-bending national hero, excellent daughter, and all around good friend.

9) Dana Sculley, the X-Files: pants-suit wearing, gun toting, science-degree having, order-maintaining skeptic who nonetheless is able to engage empathetically with her dream-driven, eccentric, impulsive, nerdy soulmate.

10) Olivia Dunham, Fringe: what a wonderful knight you are, Olivia, riding through the gross-out sci-fi crime procedural of this cult show, developing your hidden gifts and speaking defiantly to your boss while adopting your makeshift family of Crazy Scientist Dad, Hot Trickster Son, Innocent Gay Science Assistant, and Cow. Oh, and meeting your Dark AU Self and ultimately befriending her.

(Ok, I cannot make the case that Fringe was a great show or anything, I just loved Olivia)

Taggy @dawnfelagund @angelsallfire @hopefuldays @urbanspaceman @christchex @iridescenttorch @actualmermaid

[theradioghost]

Audio Drama Podcast Recs

EDIT: well jesus this thing is getting old! If you’re looking for podcast recommendations I would recommend checking some of the newer posts I’ve made. I’ve expanded my subscription list from about 30 to over 150 in the years since I posted this, & at at this point it’s a pretty inadequate rec list.

Because I’ve gotten a few questions over time about podcast recs, both from people who are curious about audio drama, and fellow denizens of Podcast Hell™ who need something new, I wanted to put together this list so I could go a bit more into detail about why I love and recommend each of these amazing audio dramas.

Rather than trying to rank them, I tried to organize this list roughly based on popularity, at least based on my dash! More well-known shows are listed first, and then my faves that I don’t see getting nearly the love that they deserve. Especially with the volume of new innovative audio drama being created, there’s some really good stuff out there not getting nearly enough attention. Which is not to say that, if you’re a new podcast fan, you have to start with the most popular – but those shows are more likely to have an active fandom. (Of course, there are a ton of great podcasts out there, and plenty (both popular and obscure) that I don’t listen to yet.)

I also have a podcast rec tag and a very long list of audio dramas, if you want to go hunting for something beyond these recommendations here. Additionally, if you want more details or content warnings about any of these shows, feel free to message me on or off anon and I’ll do my best to answer! This post really focuses on the positives of each show and who I think might enjoy them.

WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE – Community radio from a friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, the dog park is forbidden, the mayoral candidates aren’t human, the weather is a mystery, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

If you know anything about audio drama podcasts, there’s like a 99.99% chance you know about Night Vale already. If not, just go listen. It’s weird and amazing and beautiful and helped to make a lot of this possible. Or if 100+ episodes plus live shows is overwhelming, don’t (but come back to it someday. It is magical).

For people who like: surrealism, humor, ‘radio show’ format, somewhat less emphasis on plot, diversity, indie music, experimental storytelling, a large back catalog of episodes, a fandom considered large by regular standards and not just podcast standards.

ALICE ISN’T DEAD – As she travels across America, a trucker tells the story of her search for the missing wife she had presumed dead, of the mysterious danger stalking her down freeways and backroads, and of the much bigger – and more terrifying – mystery she is uncovering.

The first and most popular of Night Vale Presents’ other podcasts. Gothic Americana soft horror lesbians! The writing, atmosphere, and orchestration are all superb, as is Jasika Nicole’s monologue performance. I personally recommend car/transit listening. (Also, you can get the whole soundtrack for free, and you should definitely do that.)

For people who like: surrealism, horror, Americana, female leads, lesbians, atmosphere, introspection, mystery, great music, something to drive to.

WOLF 359 – Doug Eiffel doesn’t want to do his job, Hera is a friendly but faulty AI, Dr. Hilbert is probably a mad scientist, Commander Minkowski wishes she wasn’t in charge of these idiots, and together, the four of them make up the entire crew of the USS Hephaestus space station. It’s not a picnic at the best of times: they’re isolated in a constantly malfunctioning tin can, orbiting a red dwarf star eight light years from Earth, and working for a shady corporation with coworkers they can’t stand. Then Eiffel starts to receive inexplicable transmissions from deep space – and everything gets so, so much worse.

It’s a hilarious office sitcom! It’s a character-driven deep-space sci-fi thriller! It’s a tragic, thematically powerful story about personhood, communication, and isolation! It’s all of those things, often within three lines of one another and frequently all at once! Wolf 359 is probably a masterpiece and now, heading into its fourth and final season, it continues to surprise and impress me every single time. Alan Rodi’s music is evocative and superb and the cast and writing are top-notch. One of the best. Listen to it.

For people who like: excellent character-driven writing, great music, well-written women, a gender-balanced ensemble cast, intimate sci-fi, hilarious and often referential humor, scary corporate overlords, cerebus syndrome.

THE PENUMBRA PODCAST – In Hyperion City, metropolis of a far-future Mars, a private eye named Juno Steel is pulled into life-threatening criminal conspiracies, and tangles with an even more dangerous, nameless thief – who could be his worst enemy or the love of his life. Within the Second Citadel, human civilization is protected by knights who venture out into the jungles to fight the monsters that threaten them – but some knights are discovering monsters who seem just a bit different. On the Painted Plains, a train-robbing bandit steals away a schoolteacher – and her heart. All of these and more are stories waiting to be heard behind the doors of the Penumbra, the grandest hotel this side of Nowhere. And absolutely none of them are straight.

Fabulously written genre-bending “queer AF” anthology show. The best is the Juno Steel series, about a bisexual, nonbinary sci-fi PI, which remains eminently and hilariously quotable even as it wrenches your heart out with genre-deconstructive depictions of mental illness and one of the most believable and emotional romances I’ve seen in ages . The Second Citadel fantasy series is also starting to come into its own in the second season and the standalone stories from the first season are a pretty damn good listen (LISTEN TO THE GAY WESTERN. DO IT.) I love this show, I love everyone from this show, I love everyone associated with this show, and I love Mick Mercury.

For people who like: playing with genre tropes, OTR, noir fiction, diversity, romantic chemistry, a variety of stories, suspense, heartache.

THE BRIGHT SESSIONS – Dr. Joan Bright isn’t an ordinary therapist, but her patients aren’t ordinary patients. Sam’s panic attacks bring on bouts of involuntary time travel; Caleb has it hard enough negotiating teenage emotions without also experiencing the feelings of everyone around him; Chloe can’t escape hearing other people’s thoughts; and the less said about Damien, the better. But Dr. Bright, too, is more than she first appears.

It’s a hard-hitting and poignant show about mental illness and people recovering from deep traumas, and also it is about superpowers. As the concept implies, the show is highly character-driven, and it develops an ensemble cast incredibly well. These guys are friends with the Wolf 359 crew and apparently have taken lessons from one another in how to ramp up a plot from “fun” to “oh god why,” but let’s be honest: that’s what we’re here for. Also, unjustifiably sweet gay teen romance, really cute friendships between ladies, at least one cat.

For people who like: highly character-focused narrative, superpowers, moral questions, ensemble casts, cool female leads, shady government activities, great acting.

ARS PARADOXICA – One minute, Dr. Sally Grissom is conducting cutting-edge physics research in her lab in early-21st-century Texas. A single mistake later, she’s on the deck of the U.S.S. Eldridge, in Philadelphia, 1943, smack dab in the middle of a classified WWII weapons experiment. She’s accidentally put time travel into the hands of the US government just as the nuclear era kicks off. And she can’t ever go back.

I assume everyone has heard of ars P because I assume that everyone knows Mischa Stanton. (They work on what must be like 50% of all podcasts that exist at this point, including The Bright Sessions.) Everything they do is pretty much a must-listen, but especially ars p, the “sad time show” to Wolf 359’s “sad space show.” The writing sticks out to me for its sense of consequence; it’s a major theme of the show that everything that happens will have serious and cumulative effects. Deservedly award-winning sound design. As a bonus, it crossed over with The Bright Sessions; if you like one, you might like the other.

For people who like: sci-fi, period settings, cold war thrillers, cool female leads, time travel with rules, complex and grey moralities, science lesbians, diverse ensemble casts.

EOS 10 – Dr. Ryan Dalias has enough to deal with just as the new head surgeon on a massive space station (alien aphrodisiacs, space anti-vaxxers, mind-controlling plants…) But as if that weren’t enough, his boss is an alcoholic misanthrope who has received an unwelcome ultimatum about his drinking; the nurse may or may not be inclined to bite people; there’s a deposed alien prince in the examination room who won’t put his pants back on; and an intergalactic terrorist who wants his name cleared is hiding in the cargo bay. And those are the people on his side.

I have my issues with EOS 10, not least of which is that it is still mired in a two-year hiatus (though Season Three is finally going into production soon? FINGERS CROSSED). I usually forget those issues when I listen because it’s still a frankly hilarious space comedy and the entire main plot is kicked off because of a potentially deadly boner. Think of it as the strange offspring of DS9 and Scrubs. Come for wild space shenanigans, stay for surprisingly heartfelt storylines about addiction (and even wilder space shenanigans). If W359 sounds cool but maybe a little heavy for you (or if the first season was your favorite), EOS 10 might be more up your alley.

For people who like: Star Trek, comedy, space scifi adventures, alien characters, gay space pirate cowboys, waiting.

THE THRILLING ADVENTURE HOUR – “America’s favorite new time podcast in the style of old time radio.”

An anthology show like The Penumbra which takes a comedic approach to its old time radio inspiration instead (and it is very OTR inspired – not just playing with the same genres). Has a lot of segments, not all of which are created equal; two are standouts. Sparks Nevada: Marshall on Mars (which has a continuous plot) follows a deadpan robot-fighting lawman, the Martian tracker who provides him with somewhat vitriolic companionship, and their various allies across the sci-fi-comedy-western landscape of Space Future Mars. Beyond Belief (which is episodic) stars alcoholic socialites Frank and Sadie Doyle, who may be world-renowned paranormal experts, but who mostly just combat supernatural evils so they can get back to their two greatest loves: booze and one another. It was recorded live, often featuring celebrity guest stars (most notably and frequently Nathan Fillion), and recently ended its many-year run.

For people who like: OTR, forties/fifties culture, really REALLY cute couple chemistry (Beyond Belief), humor, much more lighthearted content, a large back catalog, great music, corpsing.

GREATER BOSTON – Leon Stamatis’s perfectly organized life abruptly ends one day at the top of the first hill of a roller coaster – and that’s where the real story begins. His death will start a domino effect of change rippling through a Boston where activists agitate for subway lines to form their own city, shadowy executives watch over offices where magazine editors predict the future, and Google Calendars are updated from beyond the grave.

Guys, I am never gonna shut up about this show. At this point it’s probably my favorite podcast. Experimental fiction, a sort of regional-gothic-slice-of-life, with a plot that builds into the story of an interconnecting community of people, all of them growing and learning and changing and interacting, even the dead ones. And it plays more brilliantly and hilariously and beautifully and poignantly with format and writing and character than you’d think possible. I sometimes see it compared to WTNV (the “weird town” angle), but I think it’s likely to appeal to fans of The Bright Sessions: its characters may be dealing with incredibly strange situations, but the focus (and the appeal) is the development of those characters and their relationships with one another. Alternately, just literally everyone should listen. It’s that good.

For people who like: ensemble casts, experimental fiction, awesome women, strong character development, lesbians, playing with format, characters named Extinction Event, political intrigue, great music, Boston.

WOODEN OVERCOATS – Siblings Rudyard and Antigone Funn, along with their assistant Georgie, run a funeral home on the tiny Channel island of Piffling. It’s the only one, which is how they remain in business even though Rudyard is a punctuality-obsessed misanthrope and Antigone hasn’t left the morgue in daylight for 17 years. Then the world’s most perfect man, Eric Chapman, opens another funeral parlor directly across the street.

A British sitcom about rival funeral directors in a small town, with all of the dry, witty black humor that implies. "British” does always feel like the best adjective to convey the distinct sense of humor here. Also, it has amazingly high production values. Like, it just sounds really, really good. Also, it’s narrated by a talking mouse. The third season was just announced, so now is a really great time to catch up.

For people who like: black comedy, British comedies, rivalries of both business and sibling kinds, mysterious backstories, just a whole lot of dead people jokes, a more episodic structure.

THE BRIDGE – Once, you could drive all the way across the Atlantic in luxury and style, using the Transcontinental Bridge. Now, the Bridge is virtually abandoned. The employees of its Watchtowers are the only people left to tell its stories: stories about ghosts, about curses and illusions, about vanished and abandoned people and places, about the monsters whose places these were before the Bridge, and the strange and dangerous people who came there to find them.

IMHO, possibly the highlight of the writng for The Bridge is that they can create atmosphere like nobody’s business, and the show has a gorgeous soundtrack to boot. The characters are charming, the plot is intriguing, and the world they are building is like absolutely nothing else. Like Archive 81 below, it might appeal to those who’d enjoy Lovecraft if he didn’t suck so much in every possible way, although it’s much softer on the scary factor.

For people who like: atmosphere, storytelling, great character dynamics, sea monsters, spookiness, really fun ladies, ghost stories, mysteries, the bottomless depths and siren’s call of the ocean.

THE STRANGE CASE OF STARSHIP IRIS and UNDER PRESSURE – Starship Iris is the story of Violet Liu, a biologist forced by circumstance to join up with a ragtag crew of spacefarers to determine whether the explosion which killed every other person onboard her spaceship was really an accident. Under Pressure presents the notes of Jamie McMillan-Barrie, a researcher whose literary background did not prepare her to negotiate the kind of office drama that takes place on a research station at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

Both of these are part of Procyon Podcasting Network, which also has more upcoming shows which I am beyond thrilled about; both are also incredibly diverse, both in-universe and behind the scenes. Both are charming and very, very gay as well as racially diverse; I’m particularly fond of Starship Iris, but everything that comes out of Procyon is more than worth a listen. They’ve started pretty recently and have only a few episodes each.

For people who like: space scifi, found family tropes, workplace drama, human/genderless alien romance, space lesbians, diversity, cool female leads.

THE ORBITING HUMAN CIRCUS (OF THE AIR) – The dreamy, accident-prone janitor of the Eiffel Tower does his best to get himself a place in the fantastical, impossible radio variety show being broadcast from the tower every night. Will he ever be successful? Will the show survive his attempts? And just where do the mysterious and magical acts come from?

Considering it’s a Night Vale Presents podcast and stars an A-list of my favorite underappreciated creatives I was kind of shocked at how little discussion I see. OHC is so charming and dreamlike and heartwarming; it’s like recapturing the feeling of a particularly magical bedtime story. It features Mandy Patinkin singing Cheap Trick and you need that in your life. Also, it has a platypus in it.

For people who like: OTR, John Cameron Mitchell/The Music Tapes/Neutral Milk Hotel, a gentler weirdness than other NVP podcasts, Paris, charm, experimental storytelling.

WITHIN THE WIRES – You are a patient at the Institute. You have been instructed to listen to this series of relaxation tapes to aid in your treatment. You must trust my voice. You must trust only my voice.

NVP’s other highly underappreciated show. WTW manages to tell a narrative in a format (self-help relaxation tapes) I would have never thought possible, and though it’s difficult to say much about what makes it so good without spoiling the effect of that excellence, it’s a great choice if you’re weird-fiction-inclined. Like Alice Isn’t Dead, it also features lesbians. (It may not be good for anyone who has trouble with unreality, disturbing second-person commands, or depictions of institutionalization.)

For people who like: experimental storytelling, WLW love stories, surrealism, dystopic fiction, suspense.

INKWYRM – Mella Sonder was hired to work with a recalcitrant AI, not to be personal assistant to Annie Inkwyrm, head of outer space’s premiere fashion magazine – and the two of them will probably be fighting about that, along with all of the other disasters they get tangled up in, until the star they’re orbiting explodes. Or until they fall in love.

My money’s on the latter (fingers crossed please make it happen), but this show just finished a really fun first season and I absolutely cannot wait for more of it. I’m a sucker for dysfunctional coworker comedy, and an even bigger sucker for girls falling in love; this offers both and is excellent, and is just incredibly done for an amateur podcast. The peeps making it are inspiring and badass and really, really talented.

For people who like: The Devil Wears Prada, scifi, diversity, vitriolic romantic tension, cool female leads, alien characters, wlw romance, incompetently homicidal AIs.

THE BEEF AND DAIRY NETWORK – The number one podcast for those involved – or just interested! – in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

Honestly almost impossible to describe. What really gets me is the hilarity of how it somehow perfectly imitates the public radio/industry podcast style, delivering you important updates from the world of cattle products, except not from a world anything like ours. Endless beefy fun times with the occasional sharp right turn into body horror and potent unreality played for comedy. This and Alice Isn’t Dead are my dad’s favorite podcasts, which probably says something about him.

For people who like: Wooden Overcoats (it’s by the same folks!), weirdness, humor, much less of a focus on narrative, ‘radio show’ format, satire, rich beef sausages.

ARCHIVE 81 – Dan Powell is missing. He was hired, so he thought, for a simple job cataloguing an archive of tapes for the New York state government: a series of interviews that a woman named Melody Pendras conducted with the tenants of an odd apartment building. Then the story on the tapes becomes impossibly strange and terrifying, and so does Dan’s life.

Another one where I’m not sure whether everyone knows about it and just isn’t talking, but they should be. It’s probably a sign of how fantastic A81 is that it’s one of my favorites even though I ordinarily can’t stand horror. This post really extolls its virtues in a better way than I can. This show has some of the most incredible sound design I’ve heard yet, so if visceral body horror conveyed solely through the audio medium isn’t for you, then neither is Archive 81. On the other hand, if you like extradimensional lesbian apotheosis and the nickname “Boombox Fuckboy,” listen to this. On top of that, the acting is superb. (The creators, Dead Signals, also did an apocalyptic scifi survival-horror miniseries thing called The Deep Vault, which is similarly beyond well-made.)

For people who like: horror, weirdness, found footage format, great music, absolutely stellar atmospheric and action sound design, excellent and realistic acting, The King in Yellow, a ‘Lovecraftian’ feel not based on hatred of anyone who isn’t straight/white.

JIM ROBBIE AND THE WANDERERS – Three trouble-seeking wandering musicians (one brash and upbeat, one an argumentative engineer, and one a grumpy robot brought to life from a radio and assorted cutlery) wander a post-apocalyptic America populated by strange towns and fantasy beings, some friendly, others dangerous.

This is another show that really charmed me right out of the box. Not to mention that it’s a take on “post-apocalyptic” that I’d never seen before – why have grim ruins or cannibalistic societies when you can have giant friendly genderless bees, an NYC inhabited by partying undead, towns full of squid-people, and desert-dwelling leprechauns? It’s much more of a fantasy take on the genre and the characters are incredibly sweet. I was also really impressed by the quality bump it’s undergone over its run so far.

For people who like: fantasy, more lighthearted narratives, fun and creative concepts, a villain called “The Fig-Wasp King,” great music, friendship, cool female leads, diversity.

THE HIDDEN ALMANAC – A thrice-weekly, four-minute show hosted by the plague doctor Reverend Mord, offering historical anecdotes from another world, the feast days of unlikely saints, and useful gardening advice. 

Tired of that one analogy from every news article of the 2013 Night Vale boom (“like Stephen King/H.P. Lovecraft wrote A Prairie Home Companion”), writer/artist Ursula Vernon decided to take a crack at recreating Garrison Keillor’s other show, The Writer’s Almanac, in a similar fashion. Compared to WTNV, it comes off as less ‘weird’ and more fantastical, and is on the light side continuity-wise, though both the historical events and the frame show have arcs. In the past couple of years there have been a lot more story arcs, many lasting months, and a lot more appearances from guest character Pastor Drom and other characters. I find it incredibly charming and relaxing.

For people who like: fantasy weirdness, the actual Writer’s Almanac, WTNV, gardening, vitriolic friendships, worldbuilding, short runtimes, less of a focus on plot, large back catalogs, worldbuilding, crows.

[sealedbeastnue]

ayyy im watching like , a shitload, of anime this season. so im doing like 1-2 sentence Initial Reviews to show my contempt for anime (its because I dont have time haha)

get ready for Jokes.gif

symphogear S4: everyone is hot. lesbians are buff and have terrifyingly arousing voices and everything is off the fucking rails already at episode 4 watch this show

isekai restauraunt: earth gentrifier scams medieval AU out of hard earned silver coins because theyve never had grilled cheese or fried chicken

youkai apartment: touhou except its not, this actually ended up good despite being really plain and i’m kind of digging the sincerity and weight of it

skirt no naka: trap moar

knight’s & magic: trap moar also this is kind of cool and has subtle humor

fate apocrypha: TRAP MOAR and this is of course one of the top shows this season who didnt see that coming? classic fate PLOT TWISTS

princess principal: steampunk except not obnoxious and with, again, scary girls who are tough and get shit done. I keep rewatching scenes because its so good

centaur no nayami: if youre going to adapt strong source material you have to either 1) dynamic animation 2) interesting art style 3) good music 4) strong body posing instead of Standing and Sitting, pick 2-3 and not 0 instead

action heroine cheer fruits: budget sakura quest with actually some cool fight animation? I’m into this its just silly enough without being irritating or dumb

the reflection: old man fails to make superhero anime

kakegurui: SHALL WE GAMBLE? (fapping furiously against a gun)

ballroom e youkoso: this show was written by a aliems. I dont understand a goddamn thing thats going on or any of the style choices. (close to dropped)

shoukoku no altair: sleeper hit, its about “Turkey” and “European Politics” pre “World War 1″ this show is fucking hype and doesnt pull punches. and has the best ED illustrations of the season

vatican miracle examiners: CHRIST MEMES I dunno boyz im just here to have some fun with this silly shit (though I think its actually getting good now)

classroom of the elite: kind of a budget kakegurui but its neat, I like just how fucked everyone is and how nobody realizes theyre a bunch of assholes. cant wait 4 these kids to be completely ruined forever.

hajimete no gal: I still havent determined whether this show is misogynist trash or whether it’s chugging respect women juice but im leanin towards the latter

hina logi: its not gripping me for some reason because it’s very, extremely fluffy, but this show is sorta gay and has an AWESOME OP animation/song full package. its not bad I probably need to give it more attention and respect to enjoy it more

netsuzou trap: sexual violence has never made me feel this filthy and wrong! hooray! (close to dropped)

nana maru san batsu: were you in quiz bowl in school? (TUCKS HAIR BEHIND EAR) ITS TIME TO D_D_D_D_D_-dd-d--d-d-D_D DUEL

made in abyss: another sleeper hit, this is top 5 of the season for sure. the worldbuilding and subtlety is top tier and the animation outshines most animated films you need to watch this

gamers!: came for the Possible Memeworthyness, staying for the I Dont Know If This Is Good Yet but it might actually be good. we are all gamers though I dont really know whats up with main girl she spent episode 2 drooling and starin idfk whats going on my dudes

tenshi no 3P!: die (dropped)

touken ranbu: its about boys and it has weird kind of awkward animation. I was hoping for a 4th TRAP MOAR this season but it looks like this one’s not for me also shakycam does NOT belong in animation. (dropped)

aho girl: not my type of comedy but I guess not bad (dropped)

clione no akari: I have no idea if this is good but based on the simplicity I’m guessing no, its not very interesting. (close to dropped)

smartphone: fuck you (dropped)

keppeki danshi: this might be ok for people who like Boys and Comedy Sort Of. watch if you like those things I think this could be a good show but I aint about that life. (dropped)

18if: No.    (dropped)

battle girl high school: Stop making shows now (dropped)

yami shibai S5:  ?????? ???????reality is breaking down around me (dropped)

-----

holdovers and other stuff:

castlevania netflix anime: dude this was really fucking cool I was amazed. so much viscera and awesome animation I highly enjoyed and lookin forward to S2

sin nanatsu no taizai: please come back... why did your studio shut down please I just want closure... , _____ , bub...

maid dragon specials: WHY ARE THESE BACK? PLEASE PUT THEM AWAY

sakura quest: best, best best tier. best fucking tier you need to watch this show about young adults finding their place in the world right now.

granblue fantasy: “eh” (dropped)

re:creators: noooooooooooo idea

stella jogakuin koutou-ka c3-bu: more girls with guns and fucking weirdos? I’m all over it.

seikon no kwaser: I, too, like breast milk.

[softgrungeprophet]

i have been thinking more about flash, and eddie, and their separate gay-coding

this is not a post making an argument it’s just me re-evaluating some of the stuff i had decided on when i wrote "I hate you but I don't hate you”

Which is to say, I think Flash was probably STILL in the closet when he died. He sure was in Space Knight, at least. So Flash has been in the closet, even to himself, for a really long time. It's scary, and his life is so weird, so clinging to that... is like... It's this one normal thing in his life that he can have a normal, terrified reaction to. And it probably takes him until V starts taking separate form from him to really, really accept the fact that he might actually be gay. Not just bi, either, like entirely gay, overcompensating his entire life, really fucking up his relationships with women, etc. Definitely not coming out to anyone any time soon.

And I mean, here’s the thing, he’s rolled with jokes here and there. As far back as Remender’s run. Probably a coping mechanism. Joke about it so you don’t have to think about it which DOES fall in line with how he copes with uhhh literally everything. (I still hate the “don’t ask don’t tell” joke)

And as we all know, he’s had a crush on Spider-Man since high school.

Eddie, I think, was in the closet for a while just cause, like i mentioned in this post (link) he wanted to be good enough for his father so bad. but once he started... you know... being in a relationship with an alien blob... it was like... Being gay? not such a big deal actually. I think he maybe came out to himself (not necessarily ever out to anyone else) during Lethal Protector. But he was/is in a relationship with a slime, so it's like. Well.

I think Eddie's also an incorrigible flirt regardless of who he speaks to, and can tell when people think he's hot. He's got a gaydar. Of course. IDK if he's gay or bi. He has been pretty strongly gay-coded, fairly often, and currently is what I would call a bear (does Cates know? that they made Eddie into a muscle bear?) But the extent to which he really, really loved Anne is also pretty strong. though that doesn't necessarily mean he cannot possibly be gay AS I have noted many times, since it's possible to love someone and even think you are in love with them but then maybe have some realizations about yourself. (ha, am i projecting? maybe)

Regardless he likes men, and aliens. He is a xenophile, and that is really what is most relevant. He is a symbiote-fucker.

BASICALLY my headcanon has completely reversed.

Sidenote

Symby, as we know, was romantically attracted to Peter/Spidey, and is in love with Eddie, and probably loves/loved Flash romantically as well. Not sure about Mac. Lee...is complicated. It may have been in love with Lee but it would have been a very Stockholm Syndrome-y kind of love considering he was abusive from the get-go. Then there was Tel-Kar... who dominated it entirely. So, probably not a lot of emotions there. And it sounds like Peter taught it human emotions anyway, or at least, the words for them... But I think klyntar are probably capable of feeling love even without humans.

The symbiote seems to be mostly attracted to men but it also has shown attraction toward people its hosts are attracted to (Beck).... It's queer either way because this is an agender space slime we’re talking about.

(internalized homophobia and also mention of the gay-bashing flashback from Bunn’s run)

@ Marvel....

hire me to co-write a post-space knight “What If...” canon-divergent comic (or novella...) about Flash Thompson and the symbiote returning to Earth together, being Andi’s mentor/father-figure, and Venom reconciling with Eddie over their extremely fucked up past that no one ever thought was important enough to address apparently.

Like I GET it. Those comics fucking sucked and no one wants to think about them, and Costa’s run is pretty obviously in direct opposition to them. But in a company that supposedly values continuity, something as severe and damaging as the pointless re-characterization in The Hunger (2003, NOT 1996) needs to fucking be addressed? What the hell happened to Eddie that he went from his state in the early-mid 2000′s to calling it “darling” and “love”???? Like, I get it Costa. I do. But shit, man.

GotG gave us the purification for the symbiote itself, to return it to its older self (and then some) but Eddie was never, ever given that character development. Probably cause once he gave Toxin up, no one wanted to write about a boring, extremely emotionally fucked up Normal Human (never mind his Olympic athlete levels of physical fitness)

...

I got WAY off topic but it annoys the hell of me that The Hunger and the story where Eddie auctioned the symbiote off and The Last Temptation happened and then no one ever addressed any of the extremely fucking serious issues they used as shallow fodder for their grimdark edginess.

2000-2010 was a fucking time, huh.

I hate comics

(I love comics, but I hate them)

[jonroxton]

@feijoalife. Here’s a list of recs. No horror BUT bc there are so many great shows/movies under that umbrella, I did include some that are gory though I personally don’t think are any more suspenseful than a regular drama, but yeah they’re gory. The ones with [*] have at least one LGBTQ character. Also, I’m not just picking out names from the list, though that is technically what i’m doing lol. I’ve seen and loved all of these. You’ve probably seen a lot of these, too.

On Netflix

Dramaworld

Vampire Academy (gory but not scary)

Nikita (KICK. FUCKING. ASS)

*Grace And Franky (just started this! it’s so funny!)

*Spartacus (very very verrrry gory, sexual and stylized, but holy hell one of the most rewarding shows)

Fawlty Towers

Rita

*All Cheerleaders Die (gory but the lead is bi! and has two love interests! both girls! )

*Jane the Virgin

*Crazyhead (sci-fi/gory)

Better Off Ted

*Wentworth (women’s prison show, very VERY intense and violent but amazing and the performances are really just superb, i’m actually planning on rewatching it)

*L’auberge Espanole [The Spanish Apartment] (the main characters best friend is a lesbian and she appears in the sequels: The Russian Dolls and the Chinese Puzzle. Fun romantic (tho very hetero) movies.

*Nurse Jackie (tho not the lead)

Adventures in Babysitting

Ali Wong Baby Cobra comedy special (I’ve seen this like 5 times)

Cool Runnings (cool runnings man bobsled lol u gotta see this)

Blank Check (Disney Channel played this ALL the time when I was a kid so yeah I love this movie)

White Chicks

Big Trouble In Little China

Around the World In 80 Days

Heavyweights

The Little Rascals

Something’s Gotta Give

Son In law

Hotel Transylvania 2

2 Days In New York

The Wedding Planner (I miss the romcom McCaunaughhehdfey days)

How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days (I really miss em)

Baby’s Day Out

Sliding Doors

Leap Year

Serendipity

short break to say: yea i love romantic comedies ok i can’t help it

*Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day (ok this not a lesbian movie but it’s about the friendship of two women, and it’s a lovely, lovely movie)

Personal Recs. These are recommended straight from my collection, idk if they’re on netflix or not, but again, I bought these bc I love them and I’ve rewatched them at least three times.  All of them are comedies unless I state otherwise.

Yours, Mine and Ours remake

Drop Dead Fred

Don’t Be A Menace In South Central

200 Cigarettes

The Brothers Bloom

Evolution

For Your Consideration

*Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (beware: bury your gays, also this movie is kind of a musical? but also a thriller towards the end? and a romance? and a drug movie? this movie is crazy lol)

*Some Like It Hot

*The Runaways (drama, not comedy tho)

Knight and Day (james mangold recently did logan!)

*Wild Things

Burn After Reading

Everything else I own is sci-fi/action/horror/thriller lol

[mobbtown-blog1]

Destiny’s child vs. the wu tag clan (fan fiction)

Its been ten years since the release of Destiny’s Child farewell album; Destiny Fulfilled. To celebrate the anniversary, Sony Records booked a concert at the Barclay Center in Brooklyn, New York to celebrate the milestone. The girls, Michelle, Kelly, and Beyonce had not performed with each other since the Super Bowl 47 Half time show in 2013 Where the Ravens beat the 49ers. Kelly was building an international fan base with her dance club vibe. Beyonce just shocked the world with a self financed secretly released visual album and Michelle just got her eyebrows waxed at the mall. The ladies were picked up from their hotel in Williamsburg and shuttled over to the arena, by limo, early in the morning.

Their liaison, Eduardo De La Mucho, met the trio and scuttled them through the parking lot into the back entrance past an already burgeoning crowd of fans camping out in tents, sleeping bags, and trailers all decorated with images of the girls singing and whirling amiss airbrush images of the Milky Way. Although, the girls were inconspicuously dressed in trench coats, dark shoes and a vail of nondescript ball caps; they failed to allude their voracious fans, yelling and jockeying for their attention: “Kelly, I love you girl, keep repping for us co-co skin sistas, girl!” “Bey!! Bey!! Bey!! I love you Bae!!” Oh girl I wish I was you girl, I do, cept, I wouldn’t be with no damn Jay-Z, doe, girl! I know he got all the money but I couldn’t, with his camel lookin’ ass!! “Blue Ivy cute and all, but bestiality is a crime against God and nature, girl!” “Michelle…Michelle… it’s me yo cousin Sweet Meat, your mother said give her a call, your half of the cell phone bill is due. She said,If you ain’t wanna do your part, you shouldn’t have signed up for the framily plan, Michelle.”

Once inside they meet up with their celebrity Manager, Nigel Cumberbatch, E! corespondent and first cousin of actor Benedict Cumberbatch.

“Hello, Nigel, you look marvelous, darling.” purred Michelle.

“That’s because I’m looking at you, love."

They embrace and share a friendly kiss on both cheeks.

"A little sugar with my mocha always gets me up in the morning, love.”

“Oh, stop it.”

I can’t, love, you’ve already got me started.“

"Why are you here so early? you’re not due in until this afternoon for sound check.:” asked a quizzical Beyonce.

“I had an interview for the network  with the cast of "Real Housewives of Rikers Island. Since i’m in the neighborhood why not stop by.”

“Who knew a show about prison man-wives would be so incredibly popular?” said Michelle.

“Yes, well you take the momentum of the Real housewives brand, everyone’s obsession with queer culture, and mix it up with the urban grittiness of prison life and you’ve got a ratings juggernaut. This show is literally too gay to fail.”  Nigel said with a wry smirk.

“Speaking of…” free falling into cursory though.

“Where is MY personal assistant? He was supposed to come in early this morning and set up your dressing rooms.

I’ve been texting him since six to no avail.” said the liaison, who up until this point had been quietly busying himself updating the Destiny Child website. Actually, that’s what he was supposed to be doing. He’d finished all of that an hour ago. At this point he was trolling Tinder and Grinder for any hot clerks around the arena who may be cleaning out the bathrooms or working the hot dog stand.  

“So who decorated the dressing rooms?” asked Nigel

“I did,” cheered Michelle.

“Shelly, You didn’t have to do this.” said Beyonce, nonplussed.

“Just happy to help, guys."

"That’s peculiar, I just spoke with Kevin last night. Everything seemed fine. I hope nothing happened to him.” Stated Nigel with model concern.

“Kel-vin’s a really sweet guy.” said Michelle, exerting extra effort on the “elvin” in a subtle attempt to correct Nigel on his mispronunciation of the interns name.    

“Yes,” replied Nigel picking up the clue.

“Kelvin, stopped taking his Wellbutrin ever since he didn’t get that callback for the live action Jem and the Holograms movie, Truly Outrageous. Very dissonant murmurs of suicide,and not Facebook suicide, real life suicide.”

“I’m sure it will work out. Things always work out; at least for me they do.” reasoned Beyonce

“Do you like the wall draping Bey?” Asked Michelle

“I got them in Beijing. They’re fresh spun silk from virgin worms. The color is called Red Velvet.”

“Like the cake?” asked Beyonce.

“Just like the cake.” answered Michelle.

“Lets blow out these $5,000, diamond studded, champagne scented candles and adjourn to the stage.” Nigel blows out one and speaks before whistling out the other Luxury Soy Candle.

“Let’s save the fire for the stage, shall we?”

The girls traverse the corridor and Kelly lets loose a sly chortle.

“Hey guys, you ever see that movie "This is Spinal Tap? It used to come on t.v. all the time.”

“I don’t own a t.v.” Sulked Michelle.

“I own a t.v.,I mean I own like ten of them, but I’m so busy being on t.v. that I guess i really don’t have time to watch t.v.” said Beyonce

“Why do you ask?"

"There’s this scene where the band is trying to get to the stage but they keep getting lost, in like, a labyrinth of corridors. It’s hilarious” Kelly said with glee.

“Getting lost isn’t funny.” Warned Beyonce

“Getting lost is scary.” Said Michelle with a passive whine.

The girls took position and the sound engineer qued the instrumental track for the albums biggest hit; “Lose My Breath”.

Practice plodded on for an hour and it was clear the girls were out of sync since the year and some change they performed on that triumphant day the Baltimore Ravens won the shit out of Super Bowl 47.

“Alright darlings,” cringed Nigel. “this officially an Asian car crash. Let’s take a ten and regroup, yes?"

"I’ll make a coffee run. What do you want?” asked Eduardo.

“I’ll have a grande black tea with lemon and honey.” said Michelle.

“I’ll have a vente soy half calf latte; one Splenda. beckoned  Beyonce.

"I want a low-fat caramel Macchiatto, extra caramel.” replied Kelly with precocious joy.

Nigel glared at Kelly with noted incredulity.

“What?!? I’m making up for the extra caramel by getting low fat milk! balked Kelly.

Nigel exhaled dramatically, raised his trademark eyebrow, and crossed his arms in protest.

"Fine, the regular amount of caramel.” she responded with a pout.

Nigel frowned and nodded in continued discontent.

“No caramel?!”

Nigel smiled tightly and nodded in approval.

“Fine,” Kelly snapped back and smirked.

“But, after the show, I’m gonna have a caramel AND a Vanilla cappuccino.

Suddenly the overhead lights shut off leaving the girls awash in darkness. The shrieking sound of maniacal screams echoed through the arena.

As quickly as the lights wiped out; the overhead spot pierced through the sheet of onyx to reveal an upstage silhouette creeping through the shadows.  

"Help!” shrieked Michelle, reduced to tears; cradling herself on the floor. “I’ve been molested.” she babbled.

“Look!” squawked Beyonce. “There’s a mysterious silhouette lurking in the shadows!”

“Let’s get him!” Nigel rallied Eduardo; they ran to apprehend the mysterious figure.  

Eduardo and Nigel cornered and captured what appeared to be the Brooklyn Nets mascot, The Brooklyn Knight.

“Is that the Brooklyn Nets mascot, the Brooklyn Knight?” queried Kelly.

“Yes.It is.” Answered Eduardo, frankly.    

“See?"Eduardo blithely snatched the head off the anonymous violator and turned to face the appalled crowd. "It’s a mask”

Kelly interjected.

“Look guys!” she directed everyone’s attention to the unmasked marauder.

“It’s Papa Knowles”

“Daddy!” Beyonce said shocked and repulsed.

“Why are you dressed up as the Brooklyn Knight, and why are you molesting people?” she asked puzzled and disgusted.

Papa Knowles lifted his head crowned in shame. He blathered.

“I’m sorry girls, I didn’t mean to scare ya’ll and fondle Michelle. I just like to show up to ya’ll shows and push Michelle. It’s how I get my jollies these days."

"See, I told you all I was pushed at the Super Bowl.” said Michelle defensively.

“I really didn’t want to touch you in your nether regions Michelle, I just got disassembled in the darkness.” He whimpered.

“So it wasn’t you who cut the lights off, Daddy”

“No It was not,Bey. Now I really should go because this is more embarrassing than that time I got caught impregnating another woman while still being married to your mother. Can I be your manager again Bey?"

"No, daddy.”

“Well can you call me a cab?”

Just then the lights went black again and a tremulous baritone polluted the stage. When the lights came to, Papa Knowles lay slain in Nigel’s arms.

“Oh, my gawd, he’s, he’s, he’s dead!"

Oddly, the women bellowed this refrain in perfect three part harmony.

Before the women had a chance to mourn their former mentor, a thick tide of smoke came pouring out from the audience. Beyonce noted the pungent aroma.

"It smells like burning pine needles.” Said Beyonce.

“It smells like Snoop Dogg’s dressing room. Said Kelly.

"It smells like the BET Awards” Said Nigel.

“It smell like weed.” said Eduardo.

“Bong, Bong, my luscious song birds, what it do beautiful?”

crooned method Man.

“Oh my goodness, It’s the Wu-Tang Clan!” said Michelle.

All eight remaining members stood arms akimbo, blunts in mouth, side by side, triumphantly.

“What are you guys doing here?"

"We were in town shooting a new Tyler Perry movie,” intoned a severely herbalized Raekwon.

"Medea Joins the Wu-Tang Clan.“ Howled a blazed out Ghostface Killa.

"Yeah we got a summons on a terrestrial plane that your chi was being disrupted, so we teleported over here to to dissect the math, my queen."

"See that’s why you my favorite Rza, cause everything you say is confusing, but it sounds lyrical, so it must be poetry.” said Kelly, coquettishly.  

“Well we have a show tonight and I shouldn’t have to perform under these conditions. I’m light skinned; I woke up like this.” Petitioned Beyonce.

“My experience as an Inspector has taught me that the best way to apprehend a culprit is to divide into groups and explore the area in quadrants, that way we cover the most amount of ground in a shorter amount of time.” Theorized the Rebel INS a.k.a. Inspeckta Deck.“

"Are you really even an actual inspector, like my first cousin Benedict Cumberbatch, star of the British series, Sherlock?"

"No, but I’ve seen all the Scooby Doo mysteries.”

“How about the Shaggy Doo spin off?”

“Those too.”

“Alright people, listen to this man!"

The Inspeckta divided everyone into clusters and assigned them to different sections of the Barclay Center. They all splintered off and left Papa Knowles festering on the stage in a puddle of his own blood and guts. Eventually morphing into twinkling embers and ascending into the rafters.

Although everyone was supposed to  be hunting down the cloaked culprit, mainly they all just got high and passed out by the concession stand. Beyonce woke up separated from her group and worried the solitude would mark her as easy prey. She trundled the hollow corridor in search of her musical companions. She pressed past a set of doors and tripped over a prop surfboard. When she regained her footing she stood up and locked eyes with:

"Ol’ Dirty Bastard!!”

“How do you do, Miss Beyonce?”

“Oh, shit, ODB, What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know what this is.We in Brooklyn, I’m from Brooklyn, even in death I muthafuckin rep Brooklyn to the fullest!!”

“Are you the one that’s sabotaging our show and killed my daddy?”

“I don’t even understand what you is asking me right now, and what is you doing wit dat surfboard?”

“Yonce blushed and dropped the surfboard. The blunt thud temporarily ceased the awkward silence and offered a chance for Yonce to recover.

"Would you be interested in performing a guest verse during our show tonight?”

"But I'ma ghost. How is you gonna pass some shit like that off to the crowd?“

"We’ll tell everyone you’re a hologram, like they did with 2 Pac at  Coachella.”

“Yeah, Baby, I’m wit it, but I’m a spirit trapped in the astral plane. In order to cross over to the lucid world I must leave your cerebrum and enter through your body.”

“O.k….Wait. Enter my body; is this ghost sex?”

“No! My inserting myself in your scrumptious body has nothing at all to do with sex.”

“O.k.,Well I guess it’s O.K. then.”

Beyonce takes the ODB into her body and his aura causes her body to rupture and shake.  

As her body continues to tremble she feels a firm grip on her shoulders rattling her back to consciousness.

“Bey, It’s like ten minutes to curtain. Are you o.k. to perform?

Beyonce took a second to consider if what just conspired actually happened or if it was just a by product of too much Loud.

The curtain rose to thunderous applause as the overhead announcer introduced the sensual sirens of R&B.

"Ladies and gentlemen I’d like to introduce ya’ll to a very special and unexpected guest…"

The crowds excitement could barely be contained the volume  threatening to reduce the Barkley Center to rubble.

The uproar bled beyond the building, pouring out into the parking lot causing cars and their alarms to rattle and hum. Among the parked vehicles sat a late model yellow checker cab with its wheel man standing astride the driver side door frame. He wore a tattered army jacket, dark aviator sunglasses, and his hair was cut into a Mohawk. It was ancillary Wu-Tang Clan member Cappadonna . He waived his arm in the air and a giant blunt shot from his sleeve. He lit the "L” and inhaled deeply. He moved to the trunk of the cab and opened it up. Kelvin was hog tied and crying on top of a spare tire. Cappuccino, as he was sometimes known, blew second hand blunt smoke into Kelvins face and slammed the trunk. He jumped back into the drivers seat and took another pull of the blunt before turning on the ignition and driving off into the twilight.

1 NOTE

DESTINYSCHILD

WUTANGCLAN

FANFICTION

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

SCOOBYDOO

SHORTSTORY

DESTINYSCHILDVSWUTANGCLAN

BROOKLYN

BARCLAYCENTER

MARCH 7, 2014

10:43 PM

mea culpa by mike smith

I heard you got yourself a new man, and living in a cabin upstate in the woods. You always hated the smog of the city,baby. I hope the fresh air is treating you good.

1 NOTE

FLASHFICTION

SHORTSTORY

EXTREME

POETRY

POEM

CREATIVE WRITING

MARCH 4, 2014

9:57 PM

Do what thou wilt by: Mike Smith

She always peeling my scabs for blood

shes always testing me to see what im scared of

she don’t believe in God

she’s always on her knees but

she’s not praying to me

I saw her lurk in the dark

she’s got a sample of

my specimen in his and her dolls

She wears a mask like Norma Jean

She sleeps with one eye open and she keeps it on me

She’s Madonna post 1993

She’s a scene

She thinks she’s Alister Crowley

She’s reality T.V.

She howls during sex

She talks with an S

She’s my Queen

So if you see me in a graveyard mumbling a poem

by a bard back from 1719

just recognize it’s not me

i’m possessed by my bitch

oh my Lord

She worships Satan