#seasonal depression ☑️☑️☑️☑️

[aftergiow]

hi so uhhhh *explodes*

[elainelainelainelain]

January 26 2022

Been spending some time thinking about access and energy and realized that healing involves rethinking who I’ll share my energy with and when I’ll do said sharing - boundaries vs emotional hijacking, toxic energy vampires vs compassionate friends, ideas vs gossip, kindness vs judgment.

Someone asked me a few days ago how I’m doing and I answered “peaceful”. That’s sort of a flex 😉 but is also prolly the most honest I’ve answered that question in a while. I’ve also realized how fleeting and fragile that peace is and that I’m willing to do everything to keep it. And for me this involves choosing who to engage with and when, and choosing not to discuss any topic I am not comfortable with.

There are trade offs to this of course - I might appear snobbish and I might “lose” people’s “friendships”. But when I think about it, it’s actually straightforward - the people I want to keep are those who are beneficial to my mental health. These are people who I can choose to mindfully share my life and energy with; “mindfully” being a very important term here as I should make sure that I am in the proper headspace and that I am not in any way jeopardizing my peace or crossing my own boundaries.

I’ve just realized that my depression, that this depression is not just about stress and chemical imbalances; it’s a result of unwittingly jeopardizing my peace, boundaries, and self-worth over the past couple of years in exchange for a small measure of success in my career, a bit of people pleasing, and small love disguised as a noble sacrifice. And maybe some other things that I can’t even name right now because they did not make any positive difference in my life anyway. This is about my disfigured identity as a result of holding on to a love too small, throwing my non-negotiables to the flames, and giving my energy to people until I’ve been drained. Now all I have is a broken heart, a distorted psyche, and an empty cup.

But good heavens, now I know it’s gonna be alright. It cost me my 7-year job because I needed a hard, full mental stop to figure out what’s wrong with me . And having realized what this depression is about and being able to articulate it has made it all worth it. (Though it’s worth mentioning to not repeat this; not that this is a mistake but it’s just that there are mental health professionals out there who can help me get through crises like this. People say that I should have just opted for an LOA but a month prolly would not suffice and I might not be able to deal with all the stress of what I’d be going back to. PEOPLE THIS IS WHY MENTAL HEALTH CARE AND ACCESS TO IT IS VERY IMPORTANT)

But I’m starting to pick up the pieces - reassessing my values, relearning my non-negotiables, and reidentifying how I want to live and what I want from my short life here on Earth. I may even have to start putting either an ❎ or a ☑️ beside people’s names. There will certainly be losses along the way but I’ll make sure they’re worthy of the new adventure I’m heading to (my psychiatrist called this break a “new adventure” and I am embracing it). Self-worth isn’t cheap. Peace is sacred.

This season of healing is gonna be confusing, painful, and lonely. To power through it is the plan but I will plough through it if I must because I know there is bigger love and better days for me out there. ❤️

PS. Now I’m convinced that I don’t have disorganized thoughts because look at how lengthy and insightful this entry is. 😝