#seen. heard. felt…

[shittybundaskenyer]

winged insect—funeral pyre

[crazy-fangirl2524]

My biggest flex will always be how I knew Neil was the more feral and dangerous one than Andrew this whole time even before tsc and seeing the entire fandom freaked out makes me want to kiss and hug Nora and just thank her for finally finally showing everyone and I’m not just crazy

[spring-siblings]

"I hope I get a mum who can regulate her emotions." AMSHDNSBDNSB TORIIIIIIIII

[divvy-div-art]

this was mildly funnier in my head

[ancha-aus]

Ghosts & Medium Drabble - Kill or be Killed

What is this? I am working on one of my own AUs?

It isn't tha unheard of hihi.

Back to my favourite Medium and his harem of ghosts and One Fallen Angel :D

I am sure Dust won't get into too many problems.

*--------------*

His breathing is fast. Terrified that she will find him. This was all a mistake. This wasn't suposed to happen!

It was just... She had been their leader! But she had been more interested in gold than in surviving their god! She had wanted to focus on gaining more treasures over finding ways to summon the God of Destruction to them! To help them recreate the world!

Her husband... Their second in comment had offered the idea. To kill her. To refocus all their attention on their main goal to create a new world!

No on expected her to come back.

"There you are..." He feels fear grip his being as he looks up.

She is hauntingly beautiful. She is translucent and grey of colour. She stares coldly at him. Then she gains a smile "Did you think you could run?" she leans closer.

It is so cold. She had grown so much more powerful in just the short two weeks.

She continues to smile down at him from where she floats. Her deathblow, the knife stab right in the heart, still visible as she wears the cloak she wore when alive.

Her smile disappears and her eyes grow cold again "Now. It is time for you to pay. Just like him." She slowly reaches out a hand.

He knows what it does. He saw it happen to their new leader. she grabbed him and drained him of all lifeforce. Leaving on a husk which she made other eat before killing them too. Her cold rage... It used to be consuming. Now? It is calmer. As if it is the only way forwards. Like she doens't truly care.

The hand reaches closer.

He panics "We didn't want to! He... Your late-husband! He fooled us!" he is desperate.

The hand pauses for a moment.

He continues "Someone came by! told him lies! that you no longer wanted to complete our goal!" he is desperate. He wants to escape.

Her face grows harder "Who?"

"I... I..." he feels compelled to tell her. Answer her. Do whatever she wants "It was one of those exorcists!" He finds the lie to tell.

She stares at him.

His mouth feels dry "I... I could try and trick them! To get them to come back! than you can take revenge!"

She looks considered.

He needs to layer up more reasons to let them live "Once that pest is gone!! We can work on our purpose again! Summon the God of Destruction! To create the world in our, no! Your image!"

She hums as she lowers her hand "It would be... nice... the world shaped in my image. To my wishes... To gain all what i deserve... But ruling alone on the top..." her face grows harder.

He rushes to answer her "Your old husband was unable to truly see your genius! Your power! Anyone would be lucky to be by your side!" an idea "Maybe even our god? Once he is summoned he will no doubt see your radience!"

She pauses before smiling brightly "Yes. We will do that... Call everyone together. We have work to do."

Awesome! Now he just needs to find some sucker to take the fall for them and everything is back on track!

------------

Dust looks through the forums looking for any intell on the cult for Nightmare's artifact. With the money from the mansion job he doesn't need to worry about rent or groceries for a while.

Nightmare leans entirely too close as he looks over his shoulder "More work?"

Dust huffs as he breaths out some smoke from the sigarette before answering Nightmare's question "No. This is info on that cult."

Nightmare raises a brow "The one you suspect having the artifact i want?"

Dust shrugs "I hope so." he types more when he goes towards the site of the cult. Scrolling through the pages to see if he sees anything that will give him a hint.

He notices a help wanted message on it.

Dust raises a brow as he reads the message...

It is a request for an exorcist to get rit of a powerful spirit.

Dust snorts as he leans on his hand. He switches back to the forum and posts a message. Others quickly react about the cultist being idiots and no one being dumb enough to fall for the obvious trap.

Dust however... is interested.

He had been looking for a way to get into the cult base to search... Maybe he can...

Ash studies the screen himself "The cult really thinks you guys are stupid? Who would willingly go near the cult when the cult has been the reason many of you are out of work or worse even dead?"

Nightmare hums "How so?"

Dust answers as he studies the text the cult posted "The cult is trying to do soemthing. We aren't quite sure but it involves taking the jobs we normally do. To get to the spirits and stuff before we can. It means we are strugglign and take difficult and dangerous jobs. All to just get by. The problem is, it means many of us will try the jobs that are harder and more dangerous as those are all that are left... Even if we know we aren't quite equipt to handle those. Meaning many of us died in those jobs."

Nightmare frowns as he stares at the screen "Which is why you are warning your fellow exorcists?"

Dust nods "Exactly. worse is that they will post fake jobs and... well... many mediums have disappeared." It doesn't take a genius to see what is happening... Dust just doens't understand why.

Nightmare frowns "That is rather... unwelcome." he waves a hand out.

Dust nods as he sends a message to gain more information on the job.

Nightmare looks intriged "Why send them a message?"

Dust waits fro a reply as he smokes his sig "I need a way into their base. May as well try this way." Worst case he just makes abreak for it.

He gets a message back with more details. It is a storage unit downtown of the capital. It is most likely a streng Spectre. Mmh. He isn't a fan of that as those are dangerous but he should be fine.

Dust gets up as he stretches. Cross looks up from where he is doing his own workouts in his body "We going?"

Dust nods as he walks around him to get to his couch and searches it for his bag and anything else to take "We are." Cross nods as he gets up and quickly goes to the bathroom to wash up, they have to shimmy past each other with the small amount of space.

Ngihtmare sits on the table with his legs crossed as he leans back "You really need a bigger place."

Dust raises a brow as he continues to pack "With what money? This place is great as I don't even need to pay rent each month. Just enough to keep the landlord happy." the spidermonster who owns the building is so chill. Just never hurt a spider and pay rent once in a while and the other is happy "The only reason I got time to look for your thing is because i don't need to work 24/7 to pay for rent." even if his place is cheap he doesn't get paid a lot. His work just doesn't pay much and his income is irregular.

Dust tries to convince them to remain back and here as he went to work but they refuse to stay back. They get into the van and set off.

-----------

Dust gets to the warehouse and frowns at it. It feels... strange? It doesn't feel like the area of a normal spectre... He never felt anything like this before. It is... heavy? There is a ringing in his ears.

Ash looks uncomfortable himself "It feels like we are being hunted... Dust maybe this isn't a good idea. We should go."

Nightmare looks curiously at the building himself "There... is a lot of fear around the building. but the building itself is mostly empty... there is one large source however... an echo." he looks amused "Your spirit is in there alright."

Ash shoots him the stink eye as he crosses his arms and mutters about him having been able to do that.

Dust frowns as he gets out of the van. Only for all the spirits and Cross and Nightmare to follow him out. Dust studies the building wiht a frown.

If it isn't a spectre... will the things he prepared and brought along even work? Woudl it even be useful? A wraith needs different items and stuff. That is why it is important to know which spirit you are dealing with!

Dust looks at Ash "It doesn't feel like a spectre." Ash looks worried himself.

"I know... but i don't... I don't know what it does feel like..." Ash looks deeply bothered.

Dust returns to his van and searches his things. He isn't sure what he will need. He will just prepare for both a Poltergeist, Spectre and Wraith. Just to make sure he is covered. phantoms and shades are weak and he doens't need specific for those to deal with them.

This is not a weak spirit... it sets his instincts on edge.

Killer frowns from where he is floating near him "Lets just go home! These people don't deserve help anyway!" he grins and bats his eyelashes.. or well he would if he had those.

Dust shoots him a blank look "Chances to get into the cult are hard to find."

Killer pouts and shoots aglare at Nightmare "Well!! Maybe a certain someone can actually just tell us where it is!"

Nightmare looks amused "Oh it is alright. We can just not go near the spirit as we search."

Dust nods as he starts walking towards the building. Horror looks at him worried "Are you sure this is okay?"

Dust frowns as he shakes his head "I am not..." Horror looks worried "But it will have to be."

Horror continues to look worried at him "Just run if things get hard... none of us want to see you hurt..."

It is gentle and Dust can't help but smile a little "Thanks..." He continues walking. Cross by his side looking anxious as Nightmare just looks around curiously.

They find a man in a dark cloak. Black in colour with red, blue and yellow lines and patterns. There is probably somekind of system or meaning behind it but Dust would need more time to study it to figure soemthing out.

THe man, wearing a hood and Dust can't se his face. dust is annoyed for a moment before remembering he does the exact same with his own hood... so that is how it feels for others.

They stare at one another. The man coughs "Euh... you are the person who send us a message?"

Dust nods "Yes." he didn't send them his name. Best not to give the cult his name or direct email adress. Just because he is willingly walking into a trap now doesn't mean he wants it to happen more often.

The cloaked person nods "Okay... well... the spirit is in the building. She is smart and fast... near the very center."

Dust frowns. That is oddly specific. Why isn't the spirit trying to leave. mmh. "anchor?"

the person just stares at him "What?"

Dust makes it a bit clearer "What and where is the anchor?"

The person stares "Oh... euh... I don't think she has one?"

That implies it is a spirit whoes anchor are her own emotions. So maybe it is a Wraith or a Spectre after all?

Dust nods as he glances at the building "Specific target?"

The person shakes their head "Not since she killed her husband."

Oh that is some divorce bullshit. Who knew that also happened in the cult.

Dust nods as he goes towards the building "I will take a look." Cross nad Ngihtamre follow him.

The person yells out "Wait!"

Their group pauses and stares back. The person looks nervous "I... euh... i believe... it is best to only go in alone?"

Cross immediantly glares as he stands closer to him. looking guarded. Nightmare looks amsued as he crosses his arms.

The person stutters "It is just! Safer! You are less likely to be noticed!"

Dust tilts his skull "Will be noticed anyway." he turns abck to the building and walks inside, Nightmare nad Cross nearby.

They don't go towards the center. they immediantlly start looking for the storage rooms. They need to find the artifact. Then Nightmare will be repaid!

They search but can't find any trace. Curious. There are still things all around the buidlign but nothing really worthwhile. Strange.

Killer huffs "For a cult they only got junk. Hey H! Was that the same in yours?"

Horror is frowning himself "... They moved the valuables." he looks abck at Dust "They had time."

Dust nods as he rubs his arms to try and warm himself up. Fuck it is cold in this place.

Killer frowns as he floats abit further away to study some stuff.

A cold shiver going up his spine is the only warning he gets before a hand grabs his leg and pulls him through the floor. He hears the others yell his name but he is seperated from them in seconds.

He hits the floor hard and groans as his everything feels wrong after being intangible for a moment.

"Well if it isn't the little rat. You thought you could use other mortals to hide yourself from me?"

The voice is even colder than the freezing room. He groans as he looks over and freezes.

Shit...

The spirit, the BANSHEE stares down at him. unfeeling and uncaring. Unamused "You thoguth that by tricking them into killing me you could be safe? That we would not exterminate your filthy kind and call our god to join us!"

Dust feels his throat close more and more "Euh... I am not sure what you mean? I didn't trick..."

The spirit glares "you dare lie to me!! They told me already! that you came by and lied to my husband! Made him doubt be and my rule!! You will now pay for this!" and she screams.

Dust uses his magic to activate his shielding charm. he still gets thrown through the wall. Landing still hurts as as his shield shatters. The charm gains a crack.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

Dust doesn't wait as he pushes himself upright and start running. He eneds to get out. Needs to leave this building-

He needs to find the others!! They need to get out! They aren't strong enough and the banshee can steal their life force!

The hand on his leg had pulled on his own magic. Dust is just fucking lucky he is used to spirits trying to steal his lifeforce and has build up a natural resistance to it.

Another loud scream and Dust groans as his skull hurts. Another wall gets shattered not far behind him.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN RUN?! I WILL FIND YOU AND END YOU!"

People saying that banshees don't feel affected by mortals are fucking liars!! She sounds very affected!

He turns another corner and he wants to cry in relieve. Stairs! Going up! He rushes upstairs quickly. He gets one floor up when she appears on the stairs going further up. Dust dashes through the door unto the other floor. She screams again and the whole floor shifts slightly as new cracks appear. He needs to dive into another pathway that he hadn't wanted to use originally.

More screaming as the cold air follows him. He finds another dead end. He has to break or run into a wall as he stands there panting. He turns around and sees her grownign near.

Oh this is going to suck.

He takes a deep breath as he activates his half broken charm. It just needs to survive one hit. She gets ready to scream and Dust starts running again. This time straight at her and jumps through her.

He for a moment feels her pain, both the old physical one and the mental one. It hurts but he is out and through in just a moment. the charm snaps as it just barely managed to protect him form the freezing energy. It is still very cold as he forces his hurting limbs to move.

He gets back to the staircase and rushes upstairs. It hurts to move his bdoy and by the end he manages to get upstairs but everything hurts. He almost trips over his own feet but hands catch him.

Cross looks worried at him "Dust! Are you okay? Shit you are freezign?!" he lifts him up and puts his own large white jacket around his shoudlers.

Dust shivers "Ban... Ban...Banshee... Needs... We need to..." he shivers... it is so cold.

Ngihtmare frowns as he glances down "A banshee is very dangerous... We need to leave..."

The other spirits look confused while Ash looks horrified and terrified "Oh no..."

A loud giggle "Hiding again?" she floats slowly up through the floor and the cold gets so much worse. even Cross starts to shiver and he isn't even sensitive to ghost auras.

She opens her mouth but Killer growls "You bitch!! Get the fuck away from my Dusty!!" he glares. his eyes black and the goop starts to drip faster and faster.

The banshee stares and laughs "Such hubris. You think you lowly spirit are able to withstand me? Bow." she glares at Killer.

Killer just floats right before him. Unmoving and glaring.

Dust shudders "le-leave..."

Ash nods "We need to go. Banshees are known to steal life force to grow stronger. Specifically spirit lifeforce!"

She looks amused as she nears them.

Then Killer is on her. His sockets are black and the goop drip is worse than even before it covers his full lower face and keeps flowing. The banshee screams but Killer ust holds on tighter to her. Not moved from his position as he keeps clawing at her.

She tries to use her magic. To either freeze him? To stela his life force?

She grabs the red target.

But... her magic doens't take affect.

A new emotions on her face.

Fear.

She stammers "You... you are..."

Killer laughs manically as he holds up a hand. a knife materialises in his hand. He grins widely as he shows off the glowing red blade "Now... Stay. Still." and he stabs downwards.

She screams but then she goes still. She starts to shake and shimmer and...

Killer's mouth just rips open as he bites down. The banshee grows weaker and weaker and before he knows it... she is gone. Nothing left of her.

Killer's red target flashes grey and blue for a moment before it regains the red colour. the red looks brighter and stronger than before.

Killer stares at where she was. He sockets still blank and no emotion on his face.

Then he turns and stares at them for a moment. There is nothing there.

Killer then stares at him and gasps "Dusty!!" and he rushes over. Killer obviously want sto hold him but can't as he pouts at Cross "Cross!! Let me hold him!"

Cross stammers as he searches for his voice "I... i euh... I still got dips?"

Killer pouts but nods "Fine... but you better carry him out!" he hovers nearby as he mentions how Dust needs to be careful! and no more cult stuff! it is too dangerous!!

Dust is in shcok.

killer jsut fought a banshee. It wasn't even a fight. Killer was uncontested...

How many fihgts had he won before Dust even met him?

How strong is Killer?

And why... why is his soul pulsing faster? Why did he feel warm when he saw Killer fight?

Nightmare himself is even shooting him a curious look as he looks between him and Killer.

Cross nods as he puts an arm around his shoulder and one by his legs and he is suddenly carried?!

It is as if he weights nothing?!

He feels embarrassed but also... something else?! it kinda feels like embarrassed but slightly different...

What is wrong with him?

[liorlenn]

(Spoilers for KCD2 romance)

One thing that really surprised me about Kingdom Come: Deliverance II (particularly the Hansry romance) was the direct reference to Galehaut and Lancelot (let me tell you I CHEERED), so I wanted to start talking about some other queer medieval Arthurian texts and Arthuriana adjacent texts.

I’m by no means an expert (I focus more on Welsh poetry and prose) but medieval Welsh literature includes some Arthurian literature, so I know a little about Arthurian Literature in general. Most of these stories are either Old French or German and about 13th century. SGATGK is 14th century.

For one, I want to say that the tale being referenced in the game is the Vulgate Cycle or the Lancelot-Grail Cycle (the Vulgate Cycle itself is multiple parts, with Lancelot’s (The Story of Lancelot/Prose Lancelot) being the largest). It’s a big ol’ mash up and retelling of a huge part of the early tradition + new stuff. There’s also the Post-Vulgate which is itself a retelling of the Vulgate Cycle. This is NOT the one you want if you’re looking for Lancelot and Galehaut.

Another thing of note about the Vulgate is that Galehaut and Lancelot are not the only ones I would give the old side eye. Gawain says (about Lancelot even!), “If God were to grant me my health… I’d immediately wish to be the most beautiful maiden in the world, happy and healthy, on condition that he would love me above all others…” Come on man.

Now, for other queer texts!

First up, I have to plug my best friend and my silly rabbit: Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Thanks to the movie (which was good but fairly different) this one is a bit more well-known. I could talk endlessly about the moral of the original story and I think the Gawain Poet is incredibly talented at weaving together imagery. I also appreciate Gawain’s willingness to kiss women AND men. Some argue that it’s not queer because of differing social norms but personally I think Gawain wanted it. And by it, haha well let’s jusrt say—

Next we have Parzival/Percival (referencing the German “version” by Wolfram von Eschenbach here. Each iteration of a “Percival”, including Chrétien de Troyes’ earlier (and unfinished) Story of the Grail, all have their own differences). This one is even more up to interpretation than SGATGK. There’s a very explicitly performative aspect to Parzival’s presentation (his gender is “knight”), focusing distinctly on clothing and the role clothing plays in others’ reactions to him that I think is very relatable. I don’t have much else to say about this one unfortunately. I read parts of it once years ago but it was super interesting and there has been scholarship done on Parzival and gender so…. take what you will from it.

The next stories are Arthurian adjacent (as in, medieval stories about knights). First off: Le Roman de Silence is either about a woman knight or a trans knight who is… sighs. Forcibly outed. Interesting read but definitely a bit of a downer if you interpret Silence as a trans man.

Yde et Olive, however is very explicitly about a trans man! Happy ending too! I was incredibly surprised to read a 13th century story about a trans man getting magical/miraculous top and bottom surgery (yes, forreal).

And to cap off this small list, here is some medieval Welsh literature. This one is just me being a little wistful, but let me tell you about Blodeuedd/Blodeuwedd and the Fourth Branch of the Mabinogi (Math fab Mathonwy). This one is…sad. It’s not a good ending for Blodeuedd, but I could wax poetic about her: how she was fashioned from flowers to fulfill a gendered role. How she failed to do so and was punished.

There are plenty of other stories with queer interpretations in Arthuriana and other medieval literature (do not get me started on Guinevere and Morgan le Fay’s whole… thing. Also Luned and her Lady…) and there are plenty of modern/early modern retellings that are explicitly queer. I just wanted to stick to medieval texts for this and also limit myself to a select few among that even.

[moeblob]

Thank you, Mr Krabs.

[scoriarose]

I'm thinking about how I've always been told, "Reptiles are incapable of love. They only use you for your body heat." But then I see my girls do this with each other- and they're both cold blooded.

When I let them play together, they are almost always together either cuddling or following each other around. Sakura does most of the following and seeks out here sibling if she's scared, but has also been very brave when she thought her sister needed protecting. If this is not love, what is it? And yes, Scoria is very loving with me too- but I find it hard to believe she only wants my body heat when she cuddles her sibling who doesn't have any.

If not love, it at the very least is more than seeking out body heat since that variable is removed between her sister and myself and she seeks both of us for cuddles and comfort. Her little sister will race to her sister and hide under her when she's scared, and Scoria has gone out of her way to comfort her sister at no other benefit to herself. I'm hoping to get similar actions on video as they regularly do these things with each other but it's hard to predict to have my camera filming.

I think sometimes Sakura likes together time a little more than Scoria, hahaha.

"Sister please, the door is only so big."

'I'm with you! ❤️ I do what you do! 🩷'

-Tolerates baby sister's shenanigans-

Anyway, the next time someone tells you your snake doesn't care about you and is only trying to steal your body heat, remember these girls who adore each other and have no body heat to steal.

[goldensunset]

like do you know how much the ‘oooh snap it’s marluxia he’s evil!’ ‘wait no that’s his sister!’ ‘who’s the traitor??? who’s the impostor??? murder mystery!!!’ ‘ven is vanitas!’ ‘wait no!’ ‘the player is xehanort!’ works do for khux? even years after the fact, knowing the truth, looking back through fandom history to see what people used to think at each point in time is SO fun. i kept those kinds of things in my mind the whole time while watching even despite knowing better

[a-tiny-hypocritexd]

I imagined this song fitting yanli reuniting with Wei Ying :,3

[cent-scratchnsniff]

l-o-v-e l-o-v-e

[autisticblueteam]

This has probably been said somewhere before, god knows I wasn't here for the peak discourse and discussion days, but sometimes I do find myself thinking about how fandom often oversells Daisy's meanness to Jon in s4, specifically, in service of the 'Jon surrounded by mean women' joke.

This isn't to say Daisy isn't mean or that she's not a mess—she's both and I wouldn't have her any other way—but frankly in s4 she really doesn't get on Jon's case that much. Sure, she joins in with the intervention about the live statements and she ribs him about moping, but these are not in any way on the scale of how Basira and Melanie interact with Jon on an episode after episode basis.

When she ribs him, it's rude and blunt, sure, but she's actively trying to get him out of his own doom spiral because she's just as concerned as she may be fed up.

And her role in the intervention scene is noticeably smaller and less aggro than the others. When she interjects, she's not particularly angry—she recognises he's hunting, puts together the details because she recognises the pattern, then actually speaks up in his defence at one point and only doesn't push it because it'd be starting an argument about her own problems with Basira that she doesn't really want to be having in that particular moment in time.

Like, Jon is very much making a point about Basira's hypocrisy that Daisy then makes a point of agreeing with! But to get further into that matter would mean having to rehash one of her own ongoing arguments with Basira, which would be both a distraction from the matter at hand and the kind of personal business a private person like Daisy would rather avoid dealing with in a group setting.

Her only contribution to the actual discussion after this point is where, after Jon starts suggesting that the Web might be controlling him into taking these statements, she says (unfortunately misattributed to Melanie on the transcript site, it is definitely actually Daisy saying it):

She tries to discourage him from following this line of thought, from trying to alleviate his guilt by blaming an outside force, because as we see in other conversations this season she's already accepted her own fault in her own actions rather than fall into blaming something or someone else.

Yeah, she thinks Jon should stop taking live statements, but this is a standard she's also holding herself to. And she's not beyond talking behind Jon's back (see: the planning stages of the Ny-Ålesund trip, or her and Basira running off without warning in Rotten Core). But at no point in s4 does Daisy actually get truly angry and spiteful with Jon or cut him any less slack than she's cutting herself. And ymmv on said slack, I suppose, given she is expecting herself to die, but sometimes I see posts where it feels like people have decided 'well, the joke is that all the women are mean to Jon in s4, so clearly Daisy was also mean to Jon in s4' without actually thinking back through her actual behaviour.

She may be blunt and gruff and sometimes fail to think ahead, after all she's still Daisy Tonner, and Jon understandably still finds her difficult to truly lean on both because of who they both are as people and because of their history, but she actually kind of is in Jon's corner for most of s4 and I think that gets lost in the fanon shuffle sometimes.

[gudakko]

remember pog

[dustyratt]

Happy holidays! I've been asked to show how my works look in a raw, unedited condition, so here it is. You can also read more about process here, where I talk about image-guided generation.

Is it hard to achieve? Basically, the only problem you have to deal with is how unpredictable AI reconstruct your image. Literally, the changes are drastic with each try and it can be frustrating to fail repeating the previous result.

Next one is my favourite! Really loved to hand paint details like teeth or shading. Some may find it boring, but not when you're enjoying the process. I can almost see the creature on the screen starts to breath! Before AI I could only dream of something similar.

*me posting twice a year to convince you this isn't abandoned* 👉👈 With love!

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[newsies-united]

john proctor is the villain is so so important to me. it's not scared to say things that need to be said or to be blunt and it's not afraid to be called problematic or upsetting or too "out there". i love everything that this play is about and while i'm super disappointed i won't be able to see it, i'm so so happy for everyone who does and i hope they walk away feeling even more than i did. it's truly an amazing play and i hope it goes places because it absolutely deserves to.