#sense bc the titles themselves look the same so it would take little effort to lay the new audio over those eps. who knows?! not me! maybe

[bigskydreaming]

Tbh, my policy on pirating is pretty simple. I honestly dont give a fuck one way or another w/movies, TV shows and even comic books, bc the former two have managed to account for pirating in the way they pad their expenses and tbqh they dont really hurt for it. And with comic books, okay if you pirate indie or creator owned content you kinda suck, not gonna lie, you have NO idea the kind of effort and upfront costs that go into producing comic books without Marvel or DC backing you up, not until you actually try it. Its obscene. Especially if you’re not able to do all the art AND story AND inking/lettering/coloring yourself, and have to either pay other members of your self-assembled creative team upfront or on the backend. 

And this includes comic books published by Image (at least the ones without big name creators attached), because contrary to popular belief, Image has nothing to do with assembling the creative teams of most of their creator owned books, and they certainly don’t pay them any kind of wages or salaries. The way Image is set up is creators basically submit a complete first issue, all the art, inking, lettering, coloring, everything already done, to see if they’re interested in publishing. 

(Technically, you only have to submit the first eight pages in order to get a response, and theoretically its possible that Image has in the past greenlit books based on the first eight pages of the book, which then allows the creators some leverage in convincing the entirety of their creative team to put in the upfront work to complete the rest of the first issue still without payment, but at least trusting now that their work will see publication, but like, this doesn’t really happen much from anything I’ve ever seen or heard or experienced).

Anyway, point being, Image takes submissions and then greenlights the books they see as potentially profitable, but again....they in no way ever pay creators themselves. Creators only make money via the actual sales of their books, once published and distributed by Image...and only AFTER Image takes their cut, which is a flat fee deducted from the sales of individual issues. Its actually a good thing in some ways, that they only take a flat fee (their cut is for publishing and distribution costs, Image NEVER owns any part of the intellectual property they publish, unless they’re part of their ‘shared Image universe’ which tbh is just like, publisher Erik Larsen’s little sandbox for him and his friends and who even cares, those books suck, Savage Dragon is lame, Erik, and everyone knows Shadowhawk was a blatant rip-off of Darkhawk, and look, I love Darkhawk with all my New Warriors fanboying heart, but of all the characters in the world to rip-off, who the fuck considers Darkhawk worth being derivative of? So weird. BUT I DIGRESS. ANYWAY.) 

So in some senses the fact that they only ever take a flat rate is good, because in the rare cases of runaway books that really take off, the way Invincible and The Walking Dead were back when Robert Kirkman was still a no-name indie creator, like...the creator has the potential to make BANK. Which is exactly what Kirkman did, and why he’s now every-fucking-where, ruining all our other faves like who the fuck thought HIM producing a Chronicles of Amber show was a good idea, ewww. He’s gonna dial up the incest to 100, isn’t he? Sigh. UGH WHOOPS ANOTHER DIGRESSION, LOL YOU SEE WHY MY ADHD MEDS ARE ESSENTIAL, I ASSUME. 

Ahem. 

BUT in most cases, the fact that Image takes a flat fee off the top is like....shitty, because the last I heard - and tbf, this was years ago so its probably not the same anymore, but that means it could be worse - it was something like $2000 per issue. Which means the vast majority of indie creators you’ve never heard of before or after they published a six issue mini or whatever through Image never saw a cent. I’ve never heard of Image putting anyone in debt, like that’s not how they work at least - if your book doesn’t even make up to $2000, its not like you owe them for the remainder, but again, you just....never make a cent off it. So like....the reason a fuckton of Image books never make it past issue #6, if they even make it that far, is that the creators literally just can’t afford to keep producing out of pocket, financing the actual creative production costs of each issue themselves without making any profit on the backend, if they’re not ending up selling more than $2000 worth of issues once on the shelves, physical or digital).

So don’t fucking pirate Image comic books, plz. Just don’t do it. Unless they’re Erik Larsen’s. Pirate away, who gives a fuck, I hate that guy. LOLOLOL I’m such a petty asshole, ugh. Whatever. I blame my childhood.

ANYWAY. As I was saying, I don’t really give a shit about pirating from Marvel or DC, which maybe is bad of me because its not like those creators necessarily make bank either, unless they’re one of Marvel/DC’s faves and like, have their pick of titles at any given moment. But the way most of them are paid is Marvel and DC pay their creators actual salaries based on rates per page, and then Marvel/DC keep all the actual royalties themselves. The only exceptions to this are when issues sell more than 50,000 copies - that’s 50,000 individual copies of physical or digital issues, not $50,000 worth of sales like with Image. Once a creative team’s book sells more than 50,000 copies of a single issue however, THEN they start getting a cut of the royalties, as like a bonus incentive type thingie. But tbh, its pretty rare in today’s market for a book to move that many issues monthly, and only the top sellers of both companies end up in that rarefied air....and most of those books’ creative teams are the favored writers/artists anyway, the ones who have a degree of job security and never tend to lack for titles to shift to after ending a run on one book. Sooooo, they’re kinda the reverse of the creators who could actually use a cut of their books’ back end profits, but whatever.

So like I said, fuck Marvel and DC, like...corporately or whatever. Of course there’s no doubt that pirating has some definite correlation to how few books are able to move 50,000 issues monthly, but both companies have always been notoriously shitty to creators, and that’s not pirating’s fault, and less pirating honestly isn’t going to change that b/c the ones to benefit from less pirating first and foremost are still going to be the same ones who aren’t really that hurt by it currently....loooooooong before the lower rung creators start to see an uptick in profits as a result. And let’s be real, if Marvel & DC suddenly started seeing a surge in profits due to a marked reduction in piracy, they’d find some excuse to shift payment structures around again in order to still keep a lion’s share of the new profits while cutting the lower rung creators (read: new/just starting out/niche/lacking leverage creators) out of seeing much additional profits. Because the problem with creators making money off Marvel and DC IPs isn’t really pirating, its Marvel and DC not wanting to share the money made off their IPs, even with the people most responsible for those IPs generating revenue.

That’s the part of the pirating convo that most people miss, IMO....a rising tide just DOESN’T lift all boats, if one or two boats in particular are specially designed to make the most of any tiny uptick in a rising tide while all the other boats are made of the leftover shoddy materials and are undermanned or understaffed or whatever and can’t actually DO anything productive with any of the lift generated by the rising tide.

And if that made no sense, eh, idk, don’t blame me. Its not my metaphor.

ANYWAY. So that’s why I don’t really give a shit about pirated movies or TV shows or Marvel or DC books, though I do still think you suck if you pirate indie content including lesser known Image creators. You guys have srsly no idea how much harder indie comic book creators have to work compared to like, any other medium. It makes me wanna cry. Its ridiculous. It would take too long to explain just WHY its so much more of an ordeal/effort to produce indie comic book content than just about any other form of indie content save like, running an entire webshow with one or two people wearing all the hats while funding everything out of pocket and overseeing everything production wise and also being a key creator involved in creating the actual content.

BUT as I was saying in the last post, pirating novels is an ENTIRELY different thing, and I have vastly more opinions there than I do with other mediums. Because the publishing industry was designed to exploit and capitalize off the intellectual properties of INDIVIDUALS, unlike all those other mediums that are inherently collaborative and thus usually involve the combined efforts of several to dozens of people.

So at the end of the day, individual authors will ALWAYS suffer more from pirating, looooooong before publishing companies ever feel a ding in their profits. Because they designed it that way. Specifically SO that they, the big companies, would be protected. Its set up so that individual creatives, the authors, NEED publishing companies more than publishers need any singular author. Obviously the rise of indie publishing has changed this somewhat, but not as much as you might think.....because the thing is, indie authors are really only successful and profitable by the grace of Amazon. By the fact that Amazon can afford to pay authors 70 percent royalties on any sale as opposed to traditionally published authors who are lucky to get a ten to fifteen percent royalty rate on sales, with them not even seeing a cent of those royalties until AFTER their advance has already been paid back, if they ever even sell enough to make that happen at all.

And so like....its a very dangerous, precarious, and not at all trustworthy situation that allows for indie authors to CURRENTLY be profitable in ways or to degrees that a lot of traditionally published authors can’t be. 

But that’s only because Amazon is taking a loss on most of the books they publish, due to this payment model. Because Amazon CAN. They can afford it. They make enough from all their other departments and revenue streams to buttress those losses. And Amazon has been using this, and using indie authors, to leverage traditional publishers into giving up more and more of THEIR profits from THEIR books, by giving Amazon even steeper discounts on the books they distribute to them, to be sold to consumers by Amazon.

And again, like I said before, its the individual creators, the bottom rung authors, who take the hits here first and in the biggest ways, because it remains true that the publishers have designed their payment structures so as to use the profits of individual authors to compensate for their own dip in profits.

And Amazon isn’t doing any of this for the little guy’s benefit. They don’t care about giving indie authors a leg up, an alternative to tradition publishers. They only care about CURRENTLY making indie authors need traditional publishers less than trad publishers need them, for a change.....but ONLY so that Amazon can rake in the increase in profits first and foremost.

Because here’s the kicker. The thing I worry too many indie authors and readers don’t account for.

INDIE AUTHORS STILL NEED AMAZON MORE THAN AMAZON NEEDS THEM.

Amazon is VOLUNTARILY taking losses on their book sales, and have been almost from the start. Because they don’t NEED that department in particular to be profitable for them NOW. They’ve been angling for a long time to get as close to an actual monopoly on the book market as is possible under current free market laws. So the thing is....unlike traditional publishers....Amazon doesn’t need ANY indie authors OR sales. Like, AT ALL. They could shut down their entire indie book model tomorrow, and not really be any worse off for it.

And the second Amazon doesn’t need indie authors even as LEVERAGE to pry more profits out of traditional publishers....you better believe that 70 percent royalty rate is going to vanish literally overnight. Because there’s absolutely nothing in Amazon’s business model or legal obligations to indie authors that requires they maintain it, or protects indie authors from having it suddenly dropped to a five percent royalty rate at Amazon’s whim.

So the second the scales tip far enough that Amazon decides they really don’t need or want to milk anything else out of traditional publishers, they’ve gotten as much of a price cut or a monopoly as they’re going to get or want to get without forcing publishers (and by extension their own ready made product that Amazon then distributes) out of business.....Amazon is going to quite happily STOP taking a loss on the sales of all these indie titles, and say well, we don’t need you as much now, so we’re gonna just give you ten percent royalties, take it or leave it. Its not like you have any better options at this point.

So whether traditionally published or indie published, pirating books hurts individual creators in very real, tangible ways that creators in other mediums aren’t affected, or are supplemented or buttressed against.

I say all this not to guilt anyone, but simply to provide information. Because there’s always so much discourse going back and forth around legality of pirating and ethics of pirating and so much stuff that’s not even consequential or relevant if people don’t even understand the MECHANICS of how pirating affects various mediums. So they can then make INFORMED choices on how they feel about pirating certain content versus other content.

As I was saying at the start of all of this....I have my own personal stance on pirating, and I don’t expect it or need it to be anyone else’s personal model. Like I said, I don’t really care about other mediums, and when it comes to novels, I’m against it as much as possible, but with caveats. Lots of people, including authors, describe novels as luxury items, and as such say that nobody’s justified in taking one for their own personal entertainment just because they WANT it. I differ from that POV because I honestly don’t consider books a luxury. I consider them to be absofuckinglutely as essential to the survival and THRIVING of the human condition as food or rest. Far more so than TV or movies, which not everyone has access to, or finds as easily accessible. Bottom line.....I fall in the category of arguing that its not enough just to survive. People have to have reason to survive, to live. Things to look forward to. Things to enjoy. Feeding the human spirit, as cheesy or whatthefuckever as that sounds, is every bit as essential as feeding the body. I would not have survived my childhood without books. I would not have survived my twenties without books. Hell, I would not have survived this YEAR without books.

So, even as an author myself, and yes, I have written stuff that’s been pirated (I made a fairly decent living for a couple years as a self-published indie author of m/m erotica and m/m erotic romance short stories, novellas and novels, and those particular genres/markets get the SHIT pirated out of them. So trust me, I am VERY much putting my money where my mouth is on this subject).

But yes, even as an author myself, I have zero problem with people pirating stuff because they honestly, truly legit can not afford it otherwise. Its not a lost sale. If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. It doesn’t mean you still don’t need, let alone deserve, to have something to take your mind off your poverty, your stresses, your issues. And even if you technically have the money to afford a book, I’m well aware that doesn’t always mean you ACTUALLY have the money to afford it in any meaningful way. If you have five bucks to spend for the day, and a choice between a book and a bagel, or like, an actual sandwich and drink, that’s not a fucking choice that ANYONE should have to make. Use that five dollars to buy yourself a fucking sandwich and just pirate the book, I say. You can pay it forward when you get the chance. You find yourself with more money at a later point, by all means, go back and buy a legit copy of that book, your money’s still good then, and having had that book to enjoy at an earlier, more stressful time in your life might very well have contributed in even the tiniest of ways to you getting to a place where you had better finances and more spending money.

Yes, obviously, I am a big fan and proponent of libraries, and I think you should always go there first, if possible, to get your free literary content. Libraries are great, and they have a LOT more content, and more of a range of content, then a lot of people realize.

I am however aware that libraries are not necessarily practical for everyone. Sometimes you just plain can’t get to one, you have transportation or mobility issues or live in a household where your reading habits or interests are frowned upon or even penalized, because sometimes, parents are awful. Sometimes libraries just don’t have the content you’re looking for. Content is subjective, depends on staff, geography, community. LGBTQ+ kids shouldn’t have to risk being seen looking through the LGBTQ+ section of the library or checking out a book, if they’re not out at home or school or in their community. By all means, I would much rather a kid in that situation pirate the fuck out of their comforting, soul-sustaining LGBTQ+ themed books than risk upsetting a currently safe and secure status quo. Again, just pay it forward when and if you can, at a later date. And so on and so forward.

BUT, again, there’s caveats there, because with books, I consider it a case by case basis, and the case in question is the individual consumer. The above scenarios IMO are based entirely on the genuine, sincere situation of not being able to afford a book in any practical way, and not having a library as a valid option for getting that or any book.

This is an entirely different situation from HAVING the spending money, and being perfectly capable of dropping five bucks on a book versus five bucks on one of those much-talked-about-in-pirating-convos Starbucks’ lattes that you don’t NEED any more than anyone supposedly NEEDS to read a particular book. 

If you CAN afford to pay full price for a book without dipping into funds intended for other practical necessities or hurting or even inconveniencing you in any meaningful way, if you CHOOSE to pirate a book you can access or download through legal channels with just as much ease as you can pirate it...(again, I’m aware that due to bullshit territory laws, not all content is legally available in all areas at all times, and this isn’t what I’m talking about).

I’m talking about if you’re NOT in a bad - not just slightly uncomfortable - but BAD, financially tight, thrifty, constantly stressed situation where its honestly a Sophie’s fucking Choice trying to decide if you’re gonna shell out your money for the sequel you’ve been waiting on pins and needles for for a fucking year and its been the only thing getting you through some days....or if you’re gonna like, eat today....

THAT’S when I have no patience for your piracy, specifically. Not when it comes to novels and the bottom lines of individual, hard-working authors, most of whom have to spend their lunch hours or come home after work to soak their blood, sweat and tears into the manuscript that becomes the book you just pirated. I know what I said about indie comic book creators having it so much more fucking tough than anyone else knows or realizes, but that doesn’t mean that midlist and lower than that authors don’t work DAMN fucking hard on their product, even after working forty hour weeks at some minimum wage job that’s every bit as soul-crushing as the worst job you’ve ever held.

And you’re not a fucking rebel or revolutionary if you’re taking money out of THEIR pocket, when you don’t need it yourself, just because you can. You’re not sticking it to the man, or teaching greedy capitalist publishing pigs the error of their ways. They don’t care, and you’re just being a dick.

Entitlement isn’t always a bad thing, I believe, because we ARE all entitled to certain things. A broke, disabled person with transportation issues and disability benefits that aren’t even enough to cover their actual living expenses is IMO every bit as ENTITLED as anyone else to a nice, stress-free, enjoyable read they picked out because it was precisely what they were looking for and not because it was the only thing out of ten available options that looked halfway decent. I will never ever judge or condemn or disparage someone for pirating in a scenario even REMOTELY close to that.

But that doesn’t mean that gratuitous entitlement doesn’t always exist, and isn’t obnoxious as fuuuuuuuuuuck. You’re not entitled to whatever you want, whenever you want, for as little as you feel like paying for it, just because you WANT it. And just because you can GET it, consequence free. If THAT’S the defining motivation or influence behind pirating the debut novel of a single mom working sixty hours a week to support her kids PLUS hanging onto her dreams and pounding out her novel over the course of a year and a half on her lunch hour.....then yeah, you fucking suck, and you know it, you whiny little shit who identifies with this paragraph and goes "who me? YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE!” Yeah, I do. We all know someone like you. You’re not special.

Just like I know that author profile I just described there was not grabbed out of my ass, but describes someone very real and not at all embellished, and she’s not even the author I know in the most stressful scenario-whilst-writing. She certainly wouldn’t even consider herself in the Top Ten. And her publisher passed on the option for her sophomore novel, because her much-pirated book never made back the $25,000 advance she was paid over the course of three installments, which meant after taxes, she got an extra $10,000 bucks spread out among three eight month intervals, or just under two years.

So yeah. That’s where I fall. Soundly in the same camp I fall in most things: Actions have consequences, and you should always make an effort to be informed on what those consequences are before deciding whether or not you take action.

Let’s be real, no one’s effectively policing whether or not every individual consumer on the web pirates casually, extensively, or religiously, if at all. Its not likely EVER going to be an issue for you. That someone can actually keep you from pirating because you’re genuinely afraid of legal consequences.

But you shouldn’t need the threat of legal consequences, the question of can I get away with this or not, to police your own actions.

And at the risk of giving anyone whiplash, I for sure don’t give a fuck about the legality of taking away from the bottom line of massive, multi-million dollar corporate interests if I can get away with it. I’m just as entitled to keeping my five bucks that I worked DAMN FUCKING HARD FOR, as the people most likely to see that money even though they didn’t log a single actual hour on producing the content they’re charging five bucks for, IMO. I’m perfectly aware there’s a shit ton of people who’d call that rationale self-serving bullshit and hypocritical, but bite my lily-white Irish ass, I don’t give a fuck. I’m comfortable with my own morality.

But part of the reason I’m comfortable with my own morality, is that it tells me that even though there are times when I think I’m entitled to certain things I can’t necessarily afford, there are also times when I know I’m NOT entitled to things I may just not WANT to afford. Any time you’re able to justify ALWAYS having things your way without it ever costing you any kind of concession, I think that’s usually a good sign it might be time to stop and take a second look at yourself. Nobody gets to have everything their own way, to their best liking, all of the time.

But the flip side of that coin IMO, is that nobody should be penalized to NEVER having anything their own way, to their liking, ANY of the time. And if that’s the situation you’re in at some point in your life, and pirating’s the only available option to giving yourself a break from your regular monotony or currently-shitty-reality? Like, who the fuck am I to tell you not to pirate that feel good book or movie that has the chance to let you go to bed later with an actual smile on your face for a change? Who the fuck is anybody to tell you that?

*Shrugs*

There’s my two cents: The Ten Volume and Unnecessarily Long Saga.

[breeeliss]

[Miraculous Ladybug]: Never Make Deals with Mermaids

a.k.a. Gabie’s Obligatory Mermaid/Pirate AU feat. Adrienette!

inspired bc i wanted a mermaid au where mermaids were badass, bloodthirsty, and had a certified license to kill. it was supposed to be a one-shot, but let’s ignore that bit for now.

i know that there are a million and one pirate/mermaid au’s but i’d appreciate some likes/reblogs/comments if you happen to read on! :) at the rate this is going, this is gonna be a beast of a fic. 

–

[Next: Chapter 2]

Link to Archive of Our Own: [AO3]

–

Title: Never Make Deals with Mermaids

Summary: The only reason Adrien came up with such an elaborate trap for a mermaid was to sell her on the market, rake in some gold, and get a new ship to help him carry out some business. Simple as that.

The plan wasn’t for this mermaid to attack his crew, hold him at sword point, and steal his maps for some ridiculous mission involving magical stones, egomaniacal pirates, and a plot to stop the end of the world.

This beautifully dangerous creature was certainly going to be the end of him.

Chapter 1: Capturing a Mermaid

“Adrien, let me be the first to say that I still think this is a ridiculously stupid idea.”

Adrien pulled the flask out of his coat and pulled the cork out with his teeth. “Aw, come on, Nino. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“My sense of adventure is perfectly intact, thank you very much,” Nino frowned. “So is my sense of self preservation. This is a suicide mission, you idiot!”

“It’s only a suicide mission if I screw it up. And for your information, I’ve thought this out meticulously. It’ll work. Besides, I know you’re secretly hoping that we pull this off. You know how much we need the money.”

Nino sighed as Adrien shed his captain’s hat and his coat and draped them in Nino’s arms. “There are other ways to fund a journey to the Eastern Seas, you know. It doesn’t have to include chasing after a fairytale.”

“It’s not a fairytale,” Adrien insisted, unbuttoning his shirt and throwing it over Nino’s head. “I’ve done my research. Went to a library and everything.”

“Yeah! You did research! Based on the drunken ramblings of past sailors! That hardly counts. You’re putting your life on the line for this.“

“You worry too much, buddy. I’ve got this under control.” Adrien turned around to the rest of his crew and held up the knife he kept strapped to his thigh. “Alright gentlemen, listen up! There are rumors of mermaids in this part of the sea, so we’ve got one chance to do this right.” He pointed the knife at Kim. “Are the nets ready?”

“Yes captain!” Kim smirked. “Got them off a cool chick from the last port town we stopped at. She promised me they’re as strong as they come. We’ll let them down when you give the signal.”

“Perfect,” Adrien grinned. He moved his knife across the crowd. “Max!”

“We’ll be tying you to the mast of the ship,” Max announced. “I took a few gun holsters and refashioned them into a sling that should let us pull you out of the water if anything goes wrong.” He threw the tangle of leather straps at Adrien. “But….try not to let anything go wrong.”

Adrien stepped through the sling and started to tighten it around his waist. “No promises. Ivan! Keep this ship nice and steady!”

“Yes captain!” Ivan saluted back, moving over with four other crew members while Adrien called over to Nathanael.

“Nath, I’m gonna need you to have those ropes ready to tie her hands when we catch her, okay? I don’t need her tearing this crew apart with those claws of hers.”

Nathanael patted the ropes hanging off of his belt. “At the ready, captain. Don’t you worry.”

“Perfect.” Adrien patted Nino on the shoulder. “You’re in charge and you call the shots until I come back.”

“You better not screw this up,” Nino warned.

“Relax!” Adrien laughed. “I trust you all to pull me up if anything goes wrong. You have the satchel?”

“Yeah, everything’s in there,” he said, handing it over to Adrien who made sure to tighten the strap as he slung it across his chest. “You’re all set, I guess.”

“Looks like it. Just the bait left.” Adrien closed his hand around his knife, bit his lip, and sliced his palm open. He handed the knife off to one of his crew members as he closed his fist and dripped his blood into the empty flask until it was halfway full. He reached down, ripped a small trip of fabric from the ends of his trousers, and tied it around his wound before climbing up on the rail. “Alright, men. Keep that rope taut. Not planning on going more than six meters under. Be at the ready.”

Adrien gripped the flask of his blood tightly and threw it as far as he could away from the ship and into the ocean. He gave one final salute to his crew before he bent his knees and dove head first into the ocean below.

There wasn’t a lot of information on mermaids — Adrien knew only what his mother told him when he was a little boy and what he read in old sailor and captain logs. They weren’t the beautiful and kind creatures that were featured in his old storybooks. They were vain, bloodthirsty monsters who enjoyed collecting treasure, sinking ships, and drowning sailors before eating them for supper. They weren’t many sailors alive who’ve seen a mermaid because mermaids made it a point to make sure to leave no survivors when they were bored, hungry, and in the mood for plundering pirate ships for gold.

But Adrien wasn’t one who liked dwelling on the negatives. Amidst all that talk, he knew of sailors who’ve walked away with satchels full of gold just from putting a few scales, teeth, and claws on the market. He could practically see the carts full of gold that would be coming to him if he managed to sell an entire mermaid, intact from head to tail. That would be more than enough money to buy a new ship to take him across the Eastern Seas and finally get back what was stolen from him.

Of course, the trick was to first capture a mermaid.

Adrien swam until he was far away enough from the ship for the thick fog to completely obscure the ship and leave him bobbing in the water alone. He only had a vague sense of where he threw the flask of his blood, but he knew he didn’t have to worry about trying to spot a mermaid if one decided to come. A mermaid’s scales glimmered and glowed bright enough to be seen even through the thickest of fogs. If one was in the water nearby, he’d see it.

He stayed bobbing above the surface for only a few more minutes before a glimmer of red caught his eye. It was barely anything — probably half a second of color — but it was enough for Adrien. He dipped half his face under the water so that he was only visible from the nose up and watched the same spot once more. He had to physically hold in his excitement and not make any noise when he saw a red tail flip out of the water and dip back underneath the surface. That certainly wasn’t a dolphin, a whale, or any kind of fish that Adrien had ever heard of. He took a deep breath, and slipped underneath the water, getting as far from the surface as he dared.

Adrien’s eyes stung as he opened his eyes to see past the salt water, but as his eyes adjusted, he was rewarded for all his efforts with the sight of a mermaid — an actual honest to God mermaid — sticking her finger inside the flask and licking up all the blood she was able to find in there.

He wasn’t sure how it was possible for something to look so frightening and so stunningly beautiful at the same time, but this creature was proof of it. Her tail was covered in red and black scales that spread up her stomach, across her breasts and down her forearms where more fins sprouted from here her wrist bones should’ve been. Her hair was long and black and floated around her face as she tipped her head to peer into the lip of the bottle, almost put off that there wasn’t more blood for her to eat. She snarled, and it was then that Adrien was able to see her horribly sharp teeth and her long, black, terrible claws that looked like they were made specifically for stripping skin off of human bones. Her eyes were the worst part — brilliantly blue, but slitted and positively sinister. She was everything all his research prepared him for and didn’t.

Adrien quietly opened the satchel still strapped to him and pulled out his second form of bait — a silver mirror that Adrien hired a metalworker to encrust with strings of pearls, gold coins, and silver chains that he had found during his years of raiding other ships and ports for anything of value. Apparently, there was one thing that mermaids may have liked more than the stench of human flesh, and that was themselves and anything precious, shiny, and of worth.

He held the mirror up in front of him so that it concealed his face, waiting for the mermaid to notice it. Sure enough, she turned her head and immediately blinked, smiled, and started fiddling with her hair when she noticed her reflection in the mirror. She started to swim closer to him, and Adrien took that as his queue to start slowly swimming back towards the ship.

The mermaid happily followed, probably assuming that the mirror was floating away with the tides of the sea and not being controlled by a mere pirate. He had to be sure to not move too quickly or too suddenly. One wrong move, and his crew would be pulling up a skeleton instead of their captain. But Adrien had practiced this maneuver in the water plenty of times before today, despite all of Nino’s reservations. He’d been preparing for this. Nothing was going to get in the way of him catching this mermaid.

He looked over his shoulder and saw the ship coming up behind him. He reached up and tugged on his rope three times, alerting his crew that the mermaid was in place and that they should be ready to pull the nets up and capture her. But it seemed that movement was a little too obvious, because the mermaid in front of him frowned, reached her hand towards the mirror, and lowered it so that Adrien’s face was showing.

Adrien’s eyes widened and he gasped, accidentally letting out the last precious bits of air that he had left in his lungs to last him until his crew could come pick him up. He was about to yank on the rope again and tell them to hurry, but for some reason it didn’t seem like the mermaid was intent on devouring him, at least not yet. She tilted her head this way and that, as if admiring his face like it was some strange, fascinating creature she’d never seen before. She reached out towards him with one black claw, and Adrien flinched when she gently dragged it down his cheek and across his jaw, drawing no blood and leaving not a single mark. She laughed at the look on his face, cupped his cheeks with both of her cold, scaly hands, and breathed out under her breathe. “ Perfect.”

Her voice was beautifully melodic, but was ruined with the sound of her teeth grinding together, still red from the blood she’d been eating just moments before. Her nails started digging painfully into his cheeks, and her smile turned cruel when she reached forward as if to start feasting on his face first, but Adrien figured that his distraction had stretched on for long enough. Using all of his strength, he lifted his knee and kicked his boot right into the stomach of the mermaid, leaving her to lurch backwards. She shook her head and growled, her eyes almost glowing with her anger, but it was already too late.

Adrien already felt the rope pulling him up out of the water at the same time he saw the nets planted by his crew hoist up and tangle around the mermaid. The moment he broke the surface he started gasping for breath and reached to his side for the rope ladder that Nino had dropped. “Fuck, Adrien! Are you alright?”

“Just peachy,” he coughed out. Next to him, he saw the mermaid screaming and snarling in the nets, already trying to use her claws to slice through the ropes and escape. “Hurry up and get her on deck! And tie her hands up, she’s already eviscerating that net!”

He struggled to fit his feet on the rungs and get back up towards the rail, but luckily Nino’s hand was waiting for him to help pull him onto the deck. Nino shoved a cup of something warm in his hands and draped his captain’s coat over his shoulders to keep him dry. “You’re the stupidest thing alive, I swear.”

Adrien laughed brightly. “Hey, what’d I tell ya? It worked, didn’t it?” He turned to look at the scene in front of him that consisted of Ivan pressing his boot down into the mermaid’s shoulder blades to give Nathanael room to quickly tie her hands behind her back in a series of complicated knots that even her claws couldn’t reach. She was gnashing and snapping her teeth at them, but eventually they all backed away from her and left her squirming around on the deck, completely defenseless.

“Shit,” Nathanael panted. “She’s strong! ”

“She’s a deadly beast that drags sailors down to the bottom of the ocean,” Adrien explained. “She better be strong. I hope none of you laid a sword on her.”

“Not a scratch, captain,” Ivan sighed, wincing at the gash on his left arm. “Can’t say the same for ourselves.”

Adrien lifted a hand towards the pinpricks of blood on the side of his face left by her claws as he walked towards the mermaid. She ceased her thrashing the moment he stepped in front of her, instead choosing to glare at them with those deep, terrifying eyes. He kneeled down and stroked his chin. “How much do you think she’ll go on the market for?”

“Catching just the scales of a mermaid is almost unheard of, let alone the whole thing,” Nino explained. “I’m almost afraid people won’t believe us.”

“There’s no faking this,” Adrien said. “Even I can’t believe it but she’s right here in front of us.”

“In that case,” Nino sighed. “More money than we can ever imagine. Plenty for a bigger ship. More crew members. Rations to last us years. New weapons. We’ll be more than set to head for the Eastern Sea.”

“Which means Hawkmoth is in for a rude awakening soon,” Adrien smirked. He stood up and pulled his arms through the sleeves of his coat. “Help me bring her into the navigation room. She won’t cause any trouble there.”

Adrien and Nino grabbed the robes of the nets and dragged the mermaid below deck, pulling her past the crew’s quarters, past the captain’s quarters, and towards Adrien’s navigation room. Strangely enough, she’d grown completely silent and had stopped all her thrashing, letting Adrien and Nino deposit her in the corner of the room so that she could sit up straight and lean against the wall. Nino wiped his forehead and whistled under his breath. “She’s a fucking scary little thing to look at.”

“She’s not going to do anything,” Adrien assured. “Not like she can move much in all those ropes.”

They both jumped back in shock when she snapped her teeth together and screeched, her voice sounding broken and high pitched now that it was out of the ocean. “You two are lucky!” she hissed out, making both men lift their hands to their ears to stop the discordant noise from bursting their ear drums. “I could kill you both in seconds!”

“God! Fucking gag her or something!” Adrien shouted. “She’s giving me a headache!”

Nino looked around the room, pulled a handkerchief off of Adrien’s desk of maps, and stuffed it into the mermaids mouth, tying it behind her head and keeping her silent. “Jesus Christ, she’s gonna be a fucking delight to travel with. You sure you don’t want to just — ”

“If buyers prefer her dead, we’ll kill her when we get there,” Adrien insisted. “But something tells me she’s of more value alive. So she lives until we get back to the city.”

Nino wrinkled his nose in her direction when she glared at him and tried to move the gag out the way. “And until then?”

Adrien shrugged. “Get Mikael and Jean to bring her some raw meat or something. Or get her a barrel to swim around in. I don’t care. I’m going to my quarters to change.”

“So we’re just going to leave her here?”

“She’s a mermaid stuck on a ship, gagged and bound with ropes,” Adrien pointed out. “What harm could she possibly cause?”

Adrien was actively dreading heading back North to the city where he grew up, but he didn’t have much of a choice. He was from one of the richest port towns in the world, and if he was hoping to get a sizeable reward for the mermaid he caught, it was best to offer her up to merchants who were willing to lay down a decent amount of gold in exchange.

That being said, it wasn’t as if Adrien was just another citizen. News of him coming back to the city would no doubt reach his father, and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to avoid his father scouring every single bar, pub, and inn to find his son and convince him that his foolish seafaring was not only childish but certifiable to get him killed. Gabriel Agreste was much more interested in seeing his son finish school, become a scholar, take over their tailoring business, or even weasel his way into the courts of the king further West. God knows his father had an entire list of things he would’ve rather seen his son doing than sailing around the world for thrills and treasure.

“You know, I kinda miss your dad,” Nino chuckled, leaning against the rails and looking out at the sea next to Adrien. “He’s got a stick so far up his ass it’s kinda funny to take the piss out on him.”

Adrien snorted. “Well, I’m glad you find him amusing. I’m going to come home and face the music of how much of a disappointment I am. But hey! At least he’s consistent.”

Nino frowned. “Not that I’m defending him or anything because, trust me, the man makes me want to vomit on sight. But, as high strung as he is, I think he does honestly worry for you. Being a merchant or a tailor or a scholar is a lot safer than getting into sword fights with other pirates.”

“It’s also more boring,” Adrien pointed out. “I get that he worries, but I’m a big boy. Just hit the age of majority and everything. I have a right to go after what I want, and that doesn’t involve staying in that city and giving my father more of a reason to control what I do. At least out here, I get to breathe.”

“And steal maps, books, gold, pearls, and fancy swords for you to ogle.”

“Hey, you like the swords too.”

“What can I say, they’re cool and it’s not like my mom liked the idea of me picking fights with people down by the port for the sake of a thrill. I’m on your side.”

Adrien bumped his shoulder with Nino’s and chuckled. He sighed and stared down into the dark water, the moon already high in the sky. “Anyway….you know this voyage is important to me. I have to find Hawkmoth.”

Nino sighed. “Adrien, you don’t even know if he still has it. This could be a huge waste of time.”

“No, I know he still has it,” Adrien said assuredly. “He knows how valuable it is. It’s been in the Agreste family for years.”

“I don’t get it dude,” Nino said. “No offense to your family’s heirloom or whatever, but they’re not that valuable. What else would he do with it but sell it? I mean, even if he’s a stupid pirate that just goes after anything that seems precious, he’s not going to get much out of this. Surely he knows that.”

“I don’t know,” Adrien admitted. “Hawkmoth isn’t the type to just go for money. There’s more to it than that. I don’t know what he’s planning, but it doesn’t matter. He’s stolen one too many things from me and I want it back. Last port town we were at, a bunch of pirates said they heard he was heading towards the Eastern Isles looking for someone. That’s our best bet to get it back and figure out what he’s up to. My guess it’s nothing good.”

“Look, I’m with you until the end on this buddy,” Nino told him. “Just….make sure you don’t get yourself tied up in anything dangerous. There are worse things out there than nasty pirates, and not a lot of people have navigated towards the Eastern Isles because the journey is so long and dangerous. Who knows what’s out there. Shit, if mermaids exist, who knows what else we might run into?”

“Well,” Adrien chuckled. “We wouldn’t be pirates if we didn’t have a death wish every once in awhile.”

“You’re impossible,” Nino said, shaking his head. “Alright man! I’ll humor you, but I’m telling you. Your ass gets killed, I’m gonna kill you.”

Adrien held out his fist and waited for Nino to bump it. “It’s a bet.”

“Captain!”

Adrien turned around and saw Kim running across the deck towards him. “What’s up, Kim?”

“Know when dinner’s going to go on? The rest of us are starving.”

“I thought Mikael and the rest of the boys were handling that,” he frowned.

“Yeah, about that,” Kim winced. “I can’t find Mikael and Jean. They’re in charge of dinner today aren’t they?”

“Yeah,” Nino confirmed. “They should’ve started about an hour ago. What the hell are those two doing?”

“I mean last I saw them was when you sent them to give food to the mermaid….” Adrien’s sentence trailed off, eyes widening in horror as he turned his head towards the steps that led down below deck. “Shit, you don’t think….”

Nino pulled the cap off his head. “Oh fuck me, how long have they been gone?”

“Son of a bitch!” Adrien shouted. He pulled his sword out of the scabbard hanging on his hip and ran for the stairs. “Keep everyone away from the navigation room and keep everyone above deck! I’ll be right back!”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

“We might have to kill this thing earlier than I planned.”

Adrien jumped down the stairs, sword brandished, and sprinted towards the navigation room, quickly passing by all his crew members meandering around the halls wondering when dinner was going to be served in the dining room. He yelled at all of them to head back up on deck and steer clear of the rooms until he bashed a boot into the door navigation room and watched the door burst open. He walked in with the sharp point of his sword thrust out in front of him, but was taken aback when he was also met face to face with the end of another sword.

“Careful, Captain. You’re not the only one who knows their way around a blade.”

Evidently, it seemed as if Adrien didn’t know as much about mermaids as he thought, because none of the books and sightings had ever told him that mermaids had the ability to sprout legs and look wholly human .

But there was no mistaking that this was the mermaid he’d just caught. She was sitting atop his desk covered with his maps, legs — very long, very human legs — crossed daintily at the knee, wearing one of his coats that he’d left hanging on the hook by the door, and brandishing one of his swords that he’d left strapped to the underside of his navigation table for emergencies only. Her voice no longer sounded like broken glass grinding together, but it no longer held the melodic and almost hypnotic quality that it held when he found her underwater. It was no more remarkable than his own voice, and her gills, scales, and fins were all gone to leave nothing more than stretches of smooth, pale skin. Her eyes were no longer slitted and looked human as well, but they were still hauntingly and unnaturally blue.

“What the hell is the meaning of this?” Adrien demanded. “What, you things can sprout legs?”

The mermaid chuckled, her teeth no more extraordinary than his own and her claws retracted back into short, pink nails. “Aw, did your little pirate tales not warn you about that? It’s admittedly not a very common skill, but when you’re as old as me, you learn a few tricks when you venture onto shore. Let our tails get dry and legs are soon to follow. You might want to take note before you leave me bound and gagged in a corner like a dead fish.”

“And I’m assuming walking amongst humans allowed you pick up on a few tricks.” He jutted his chin towards her sword. “Do you know how to handle that thing?”

“Don’t patronize me, human,” she frowned. “You’d be surprised how dangerous I can be even without my tail. Your crew members were very much caught by surprise.”

Adrien gritted his teeth. “Where are they?”

The mermaid smiled cruelly, hopped down from her perch, and kept her sword pointed at Adrien. “Oh, they’d come down here saying you sent them to bring me my dinner. Sweet boys. I appreciated the snack.”

“Don’t tell me you fucking — ”

“Oh come on!” she laughed, leaning down behind the navigation table and pulling on the collar of what was once Jean — now with huge chunks of his neck torn out and parts of his chest and stomach slashed open and eviscerated like he’d been subject to a rather enthusiastic meal. “Did you really think your animal meat was going to be enough to feed me when you bring such deliciously strapping gentlemen to me instead?”

Adrien moved to the side so that he could get a better view behind the navigation table, and he felt bile rise in his throat when he saw Mikael in a similar state. They were just boys, new recruits on his ship who’d only been here for a few months. They’d heard stories of Adrien and his crew and came to him excitedly asking for an opportunity to sail the seas with him. He’d taken them on and promised that he’d protect them and never let anything happen to them. He promised them. And now they were dead and gutted on his floor.

He moved closer to the mermaid and touched the tip of his blade under her chin, but not before he pressed her own sword right against his Adam’s apple. “I should kill you for this!”

“For what?” she snarled. “For surviving? For doing what’s in my nature? Those are tall words coming from a human who was planning to chop my tail off and sell it to the highest bidder in exchange for money to feed his own greed. You’re angry at me for this? I should kill you .”

Adrien snickered. “You kill me and my whole crew will come down here seeking out your life. And I don’t care how dangerous you think you are. I know you can’t face down an entire crew of men by yourself.”

The mermaid hesitated, and suddenly her teeth had morphed into the sharp rows of teeth that he’d recognized under the waters. “Watch your tone with me human!”

“Lower your sword!” he demanded. “I’ll do the same. And then we can talk. No more blood. No more violence. Can we agree to that?”

“My kind don’t make a habit of making deals with pirates,” the mermaid snarled.

“And I don’t make a habit of making deals with killers, yet here we are. Lower. Your. Sword.”

The mermaid set her jaw, teeth reverting back to normal. “You first.”

“And give you the chance to eat me?” Adrien asked. “No thank you.”

“I understand that humans are all liars and thieves, but I can assure you that my word is one you can trust. I won’t kill you. Lower your sword first. Otherwise I cut you down right here.”

This was not how any of this was supposed to go. He assumed a mermaid out of water was about as harmless as a fly, but evidently he supposed Nino was right about messing around with things he knew nothing about. But there was no sense in trying to piss off a creature that had more powers and secrets than he had initially anticipated. If he didn’t play along with her, there was a chance that she could serve as a threat to the rest of his crew and Adrien couldn’t let that happen. He swallowed, pursed his lips, and carefully lowered his sword, slipping it back into its scabbard. He unclipped it from his belt, threw it into the corner of the room, and raised both of his hands. “There. You said you’d keep your word.”

The mermaid didn’t look amused, but she expertly flipped the sword around, slipped it into its scabbard, and threw it aside as well. “I did indeed.”

Adrien slowly started backing up towards the door, hands still in the air, until his lower back connected with the knob. “Considering you’ve already killed two of my men, I think I reserve the right to lock us in here to keep them safe.”

“Aren’t you honorable,” she said. “Fine. If you think that’ll keep you all safe, it’s of no consequence to me.”

He reached into his pocket, pulled out the key to the navigation room, and locked it from the inside before pocketing the key again. He’d much rather take his chances facing off against this mermaid on his own rather than giving her the opportunity to race up to his deck and harm anyone else. Although, considering how volatile this creature was, Adrien wasn’t feeling too optimistic about his chances. Best thing to do was to keep her calm and figure a way out of this without being made into a meal.

“How about we start with names?” Adrien suggested.

“Adrien Agreste,” the mermaid finished. “You’re from the Northern Islands, probably one of the port towns judging from your accent. I believe this ship of yours is called the Chat Noir. You’re a pirate. Men of the sea speak highly of you.”

“Well,” he smirked. “Good to know I have a reputation. I wasn’t expecting a mermaid to be privy to that.”

“We don’t enjoy humans as anything other than a meal, but we do hear stories,” the mermaid explained. “You must be skilled.”

“You flatter me,” he winked. “Do you have a name, my Lady?”

She sighed out roughly through her nose, as if debating whether or not to share the information. “Marinette,” she replied finally. “And I’m not your Lady. I’m one of the most dangerous mermaids you’ll ever come across on these seas. You’ll treat me with respect.”

Adrien laughed. “So dangerous that you were caught in a measly fisherman’s net?”

“Oh, how cute,” Marinette teased. “You actually think you went and tricked me.”

“I was the one who pulled it off,” Adrien said. “You seemed plenty enamoured with your reflection and all the pretty little jewels I left there for you. Or was I imagining your preening?”

Marinette’s cheeks flushed in parts anger and embarrassment and Adrien let his chest fill with pride at the petty dig. At least there were some things about mermaids that were still true.

“Minor detail,” Marinette insisted, her voice coming out with a bite. “Rest assured, you caught me in your net because I let you.”

“Oh, this should be good,” Adrien said, crossing his arms and leaning back against the door. “Why would a mermaid want to be captured in a sailor’s net?”

Marinette lifted her chin. “You have something I need.”

Adrien raised a brow. “I’m sure you have treasures far more valuable than anything I have. Try again.”

“Statement stands,” Marinette shrugged, moving over to the wall of maps that Adrien kept rolled up in slots along the wall. Her fingers started brushing over the labels before she turned to look at him over her shoulder. “May I?”

“No!” he barked. “Those are valuable.”

Marinette shrugged. “Oh, calm down, I’m not going to do anything to them. But I heard rumors that you came across one map in particular that I’ve been searching after for months.”

“I come across a lot of maps. You’ll have to be more specific.”

Marinette pulled a map out of its slot, unrolled it, and appraised it quickly before rolling it back up and putting it back. “How much do you know about Miraculous Cove, human?”

Adrien shook his head. “It’s….a folktale at best. Some brilliant story that mothers tell their children before bed.”

“It's hardly a folktale. It's very much real,” Marinette continued. “That cove holds the entrance to a labyrinth of caves found on the Eastern Seas that are imbued with a kind of magic you couldn’t even begin to fathom.”

“Magic?” Adrien snorted. “No such thing.”

Marinette glared at him. “Oh and I suppose I was swimming around in a fish costume and quickly slipped myself out of it to reveal these lovely legs of mine.”

He snapped his mouth shut. “Touché.”

“They’re thousands of years old, and it was said that warriors travelled for years to reach those caves and gain immense strength and knowledge to aid them in their battles. But eventually, humans began to abuse the powers of Miraculous Cove, and the gods and goddesses who watched over the cove felt it necessary to keep anything like that from happening again. So they concealed the cove from humans, pulled all the magic from within those caves, and sealed them within seven — ”

“Seven stones which were then called the Miraculous Stones,” Adrien finished. “They were scattered across the seven seas to locations unknown so that humans would never be able to abuse their powers. If found and collected and brought back to the cove, the magic would be restored and anyone could gain unimaginable power. Yeah, I’ve heard this before. You’re telling me this is actually real?”

“Quite,” Marinette said distractedly, scrutinizing another map before returning it to its slot. “As I understand it there’s a pesky pirate on these seas that’s dead set on finding all of these stones. Eagle something or other….”

Adrien frowned. “Hawkmoth.”

“That’s the one!”

“Wait a minute,” Adrien said. “You’re telling me Hawkmoth is looking for Miraculous stones? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“You’re certainly right,” Marinette agreed. “You can’t do anything with the stones if you can’t find the cove. He’s an idiot. Seems to be a common theme amongst your species.”

“The Miraculous stones don’t exist!” Adrien exclaimed. “What on Earth are you even talking about?”

Marinette rolled her eyes, reached into the pocket of the captain’s coat she was wearing, and pulled out what looked to be a pair of ruby earrings strung on a golden chain. “You’re looking at one right now.”

Adrien scoffed. “A pair of earrings. How cute. I could buy ones similar at a port town for the half the price of a hard cider.”

Marinette grinned, looked around the room, and found a pair of glasses lying on the table that were cracked and mangled. “Yours?” she asked.

“My first mate’s,” Adrien answered. “He broke them a few weeks back before we got him a new pair. What’s your point?”

She clutched the earrings in her hand and held up the ruined glasses. “Then perhaps a demonstration is in order.”

Suddenly, the ordinary looking ruby earrings slowly began to glow and emanate a light that inexplicably glowed bright red. Adrien reached up to rub his eyes to make sure they weren’t playing tricks on him, but the earrings were in fact glowing, and so were the glasses that Marinette was holding. Adrien felt his jaw drop when he saw the bent frames of the glasses slowly start to straighten. The cracks in the lenses started to retreat and mend themselves, and the glass seemed to mold itself to fill all the holes created by the missing shards of glass that were lost when they were initially broken. Marinette released her grip on the stones and the glowing lights immediately ceased. She turned the glasses around in her hands and tossed them to Adrien. “They should be right as rain now.”

Adrien unfolded the glasses and peered through the frames. They were just as new as the day Nino had originally bought them. “What on God’s green Earth — ”

“This is the Ladybug Miraculous,” Marinette explained. “Its powers are good fortune and creation. They’re decent if you need a spot of good luck, but more importantly they’re useful for reversing any damage. It’s one of the most powerful stones, second only to the Cat Miraculous.”

“And what does that one do?”

“It’s powers are in bad fortune and destruction. The exact opposite of the Ladybug miraculous. I believe it’s in the form of a black ring with a green jewel.”

Adrien paused. “Wait. A black ring?”

“Yes.”

“Does it have markings on it?” Adrien asked quickly. “Engraved on the side. Cats. All the way around the band.”

Marinette turned to him in shock. “You’re telling me you’ve seen it?”

“I have it.” He shook his head. “W-Well. Used to have it. It was stolen from me.”

“Let me guess,” Marinette sighed. “This Hawkmoth character?”

Adrien gestured to Marinette. “The plan was to sell you for cash to buy a boat to get to the Eastern Isles to go after him and get it back. You ruined that rather thoroughly, thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome,” Marinette spat. “He probably thinks he can find the rest of them in the Eastern Seas. Or maybe he’s looking for Miraculous Cove. Either way, it does us no good for him to collect all of them.”

“Can he….do what you just did?”

“If he knew how to use it? Unfortunately, yes,” Marinette admitted. “Hopefully I’ll be able to get to him before that happens.” Her eyes brightened when she found the map she was looking for and pulled it from the shelf. “Here we are!”

“That’s a map I pulled from a nothing town down South,” Adrien frowned. “It’s got almost nothing on it. I don’t know where in the seas that is.”

“That’s because it’s purposefully hiding something from you. You need a Miraculous stone to be able to read it. With the Ladybug Miraculous I should be able to….” She clutched the stones again, and brushed her hand over the map, closing her eyes and creasing her forehead in concentration. Suddenly the lines on the map started moving and forming to create islands, notes, markings, and arrows pointed all over the map.

Adrien leaned over the map on the other side of the table and watched in awe as the map morphed itself into a detailed layout of the Eastern Seas. “This is ridiculous….” he breathed out.

Marinette pointed to a point on the map that was circled in what looked to be multicolored ink that seemed only possible through some form of magic. “This is where I need to go. There’s someone here who knows the secret to Miraculous Cove. They might also know the location of the other stones. Rumor has it that his family was entrusted with the information thousands of years ago by the gods and goddesses that originally looked over the cove and has been sworn to secrecy to this day.”

“Where you need to go?” Adrien frowned. “Wait a minute, hold on a sec. Why is this your mission? Why do you have a stone to begin with?”

“I imagine that ring of yours has been with your family for a long time?”

“Family heirloom.”

“Same with my family,” Marinette said. “These stones have been with us since they were created. When it was spread to the seven seas it was given to my family to watch over and ensure that it didn’t get into the wrong hands, just like the Cat Miraculous was given to another family to watch over until it eventually passed down to you. Great job at taking care of it, by the way. Now it’s in the hands of an egomaniac.”

“Hey that’s not my fault!” Adrien demanded. “He ambushed my ship! I want it back just as badly as you do. Besides, you haven’t answered my question. Why are you trying to go after Hawkmoth so badly? Shouldn’t getting all these stones back and stopping him be the job of that person you were talking about? The one in charge of holding all these secrets?”

“I’m not going to sit around and wait for that to happen,” Marinette insisted. “No one back home seems to think that a human is capable of collecting all the stones or causing any real damage, but I know better. You humans are a selfish lot. I have no doubt he’d cause immense amounts of damage with these stones. So I’m taking matters into my own hands.”

Adrien was silent for a moment and tried to let all this information process. “Wait a minute. You knew who I was….”

“Excuse me?”

“You knew exactly who I was when you saw me!” Adrien exclaimed. “You knew I had that map! That’s why you let me capture you, you wanted on my ship to get that map for yourself.”

Marinette smirked. “Look at you. You’re not so dull after all. Like I said, sailors love to tell stories. I’ve been tracking that map for close to a year, and I finally found out that Captain Agreste of the Chat Noir was the last one to have his hands on it. Running into you here was pure luck.” She pocketed the Ladybug Miraculous with a smile. “These things really are a wonder.”

“So what?” Adrien snorted. “You’re just going to make off with my map? I don’t think so.”

“Are you going to stop me?”

“Let’s put it this way,” Adrien explained. “Seems we share a common goal. We’re both hunting down Hawkmoth. Seems to me like it’s in your best interest to travel on my ship with a large crew of men rather than go at it alone. Besides, what are you planning on doing when you find him? He’s got a crew much bigger than mine. Pretending to get captured is only going to work once, you know.”

Marinette gritted her teeth. “I have friends I could call!”

“Unless it’s an army, you’re out of your element, my Lady ,” he teased. “Besides, nothing’s stopping me from throwing you back into the ocean and harpooning you for a fortune. I still need that ship.”

Marinette rounded the table and came face to face with him, her nose only coming to his collarbone but still making up for the height difference with a snarl that admittedly made the hair on his arms stand on end. “Don’t forget that I can kill you right now, you brute!”

“I already told you what would happen to you if you did that,” Adrien explained.

“And you don’t think I don’t have friends who wouldn’t be happy to sink your ship and drown your crew?” Marinette replied. “Don’t underestimate me.”

“Well, all that means is that it’s in our best interests to keep each other alive.”

Marinette looked like she was about to open her mouth to protest, but Adrien knew that he had a point. If he was being honest, he was still convinced that he was dreaming and that all of this talk about mermaids who could sprout legs, gods and goddesses, and stones that apparently possessed unimaginable amounts of magic was starting to make him think he drowned when he jumped into the ocean earlier. But if all of this was true, then it seemed like it was all the more important to steal back what was his and make sure that Hawkmoth knew not to mess with Captain Agreste and his crew. Plus, it seemed like this was a lot bigger than just getting back what belonged to him.

He’d run into Hawkmoth a few times, and he was a ridiculously annoying pirate with an ego larger than the seven seas and a desire to be the most feared pirate for miles. Adrien never took him seriously, but this was way beyond what he thought Hawkmoth was capable of. Most of this talk of magic was beyond him, but Adrien at least understood one thing: there was no way he was going to let Hawkmoth get away with trying to steal more of what wasn’t his like he had any rights to it. More than anything, Adrien was interested in knocking Hawkmoth down a few pegs.

“So you’re telling me,” Adrien continued, “that if Hawkmoth gets his hands on all these stones, he could get his hands on unimaginable power?”

“Exactly,” Marinette replied. “I’m sure you have a pretty good sense of this man’s personality. I’m guessing that something like this wouldn’t be used for good.”

Adrien rolled his eyes. “No, you’re right. He’s an egomaniac. If you’re being serious about this, there’s no telling what he’d do with it.”

Marinette closed her eyes and sighed. “As much as it kills me to say this, it seems like we’re both better off if we work together.”

Adrien grinned wolfishly. “Well, now that you mention it, I have been itching for a good adventure. It’s been a slow few weeks.”

Marinette rolled her eyes. “Typical pirate.” She straightened her shoulders and held out her hand. “Fine. I won’t kill you and will agree to travel with you if you promise not to kill me.”

“And I won’t kill you and will agree to help you with this….crazy and frankly completely insane plan of yours if you promise not to kill me or anymore of my men. I’ve got a personal interest in seeing Hawkmoth eat sand if I’m being completely honest. The man’s a damn parasite.”

They met in the middle and shook hands, a gentleman’s agreement. “Well, Adrien Agreste, this was definitely not according to plan. I was just going to eat you and take the map.”

“Calm down there, my Lady. A promise is a promise.”

“I said I’d behave,” Marinette muttered. “And….if it’s worth anything….I suppose I apologize for eating your men.”

“You’re not sorry you ate them, you’re sorry you were caught.”

Marinette grinned. “You said it, not me.”

Adrien massaged his temples. “Look, you’re gonna face some pretty pissed off and distrustful pirates up there. The fact that I’m letting you stay with us after that stunt you pulled is already grounds for me to lose my head. I’ll admit, it was my fault for sending them down here alone to deal with you, but don’t make me regret trusting you.”

“I already said I’ll be on my best behavior,” Marinette said, laying a hand over her heart. “Now if you’re serious about helping me, then might I suggest following through with your original intentions first and getting the Cat Miraculous back. I have a feeling it’d be in our best interest to get that one back first. Then we can go follow this map and learn more.”

“You know I’m game to get my ring back,” Adrien agreed. He walked over to the navigation table, pulled out a chair and straddled the back of it. “However, I’ve got one last bone to pick with you.”

“And what’s that, human?”

Adrien held up a hand. “Listen. If you’re going to be bunking here, it’s either Captain or Adrien.”

Marinette huffed. “Fine. Adrien . What is it?”

“Well since I’ve stupidly agreed to not kill you and sell you for a ridiculous fortune, that leaves me short on cash to buy a new ship and a bigger crew which we’re going to need unless you’re interested in turning going after Hawkmoth into a suicide mission. So how do you suppose we get around that?”

Marinette crossed her arms and sighed. “I guess ….if you needed gold….you could follow me back to my home so that I can look through my vaults. It’s only half a day’s journey from here.”

Adrien sat up straight. “Vaults?”

“What did you think we did with all the treasure aboard all those ships we sink?” Marinette asked. “I’m willing to part with some of it if it means stopping Hawkmoth.”

Adrien suddenly felt himself grow giddy, already imagining the goddamn gorgeous ship he’d be able to buy with the conquests of an actual mermaid who’d probably caused countless shipwrecks. His hands were already itching to smooth his hands over the fresh, polished wood of the wheel. “My Lady, that is the most beautiful thing you’ve said to me all day.”

[heirofall]

Oh god this is so long I'm sorry

Okay so I’m making a Bloodswap fanventure (Bc I’m trash ;)) and I heard you did session analyses, so here I am!  It’s kind of like Hivebent, except everyone has different titles and I’m not sure how their personalities would change the outcome.  Here are the players’ info:

Gamzee (Burgundy) –> Bard of Time, Derse dreamer, Land of Tents and Melody. Likes pranks, speaks sign language, killed by a rockslide in a FLARPing incident. Able to hear the voices of the dead. Tends to get quiet at times, but is usually pretty peppy.

Eridan (Bronze) –> Prince of Breath, Derse dreamer, Land of Wrath and Zephyr. Enjoys science, especially chemistry, and is avid in writing Troll Star Trek fanfiction. Spends a lot of time RPing on the internet. Hesitant to try new things. Has a bit of a superiority complex. 

Feferi (Gold) –> Witch of Doom, Prospit dreamer, Land of Dew and Fire. Very sporty, sassy as all getout, loves making terrible jokes. Believes her memes are the best memes on the planet. Will not hesitate to verbally roast a bitch if need be.

Kanaya (Candy) –> Sylph of Blood, Derse dreamer, Land of Rays and Haze. Reserved, loves fashion, decent at painting, dubbed the Mom Friend. Hides blood color from the public by lying, but other than that, very true to her word. Acts like a bronze blood, has candy red.

Terezi (Olive) –> Seer of Heart, Derse dreamer, Land of Thought and Tea. Excited about everything, hoarder of nature themed items, blind and relies on smell, loves bugs to an extreme. Has a very poorly timed sense of humour, and doesn’t have much of a filter.

Karkat (Jade) –> Knight of Space, Prospit dreamer, Land of Pulse and Frogs. Constantly harsh on and unsure of himself. Creative, but never finishes anything he starts. Loves shitty TV shows. Very impatient and blunt. Sees taking care of the Mother Grub as a burden instead of an honour.

Nepeta (Teal) –> Rogue of Mind, Derse dreamer, Land of Little Cubes and Flow. Against the idea of a caste system, quite a troublemaker, very passionate about interests. Never able to decide one thing over another. Very brash at times, but is able to take charge when needed.

Equius (Cobalt) –> Heir of Light, Prospit dreamer, Land of Caves and Treasure. Very adventurous, loves exploring. Very good at programming various types of software. Very superstitious, and is adamant about his beliefs. Not controlling, but can be pushy at times. Has all the luck. All of it.

Vriska (Indigo) –> Thief of Void, Prospit dreamer, Land of Maps and Silence. Quiet, very antisocial, stays in the background most of the time. Steampunk trash. Somewhat of a kleptomaniac, mainly steals writing utensils. Good at keeping secrets, often successfully lies through things.

Aradia (Purple) –> Maid of Rage, Prospit dreamer, Land of Quartz and Mirth. Often feels unattached to reality, disassociates quite a bit. Usually angry at herself and afraid of disappearing. Often questions belief in the Mirthful Messiahs. Can be very stubborn, but is good at cheering people up.

Tavros (Violet) –> Page of Hope, Prospit dreamer, Land of Sand and Angels. Very optimistic, sees the glass as half-full. Quite naive, willing to believe anything anyone says. Loves animals, probably vegetarian. Calms Sollux’s lusus with paps instead of killing lusii to keep her quiet.

Sollux (Fuchsia) –> Mage of Life, Derse (and Prospit) dreamer, Land of Brains and Glass. Talkative, impulsive, likes diving right into things. Interested in video games and coding. Has low self esteem, covers it up with a self-deprecating joke and an “ayy lmao.” Doesn’t handle responsibility well.

The first big problem they face is the fact that Sollux decided it was a good idea to prototype his two-headed Horrorterror lusus, because now the Black King is really big. Great job, Sol. Assuming they defeat the Black King, the next part of the plan is for the Black Queen to grow vengeful and hop into the Kidswap Betas’ session, grow stronger like Jack Noir did, and return to the trolls’ session to possibly erase their chances of success.

They also keep getting “pestered” by an overly-excitable Heir of Space (John), a pop-punk cool kid Seer of Time (Rose), a creepily cutesy Witch of Light (Jade), and an awkward bedroom-dwelling Knight of Breath (Dave). It’s kind of like how the kids were trolled in their session except the opposite.

I’m still working on the human session and how the Black Queen’s going to do the thing, and I might come back to ask about the kid session, but my main focus is the trolls right now. What do you think their success rate would be?? I’m so sorry this was so long ugh

=========================================================================================================================

Okay, before I even get into it, two things. One: this has been sitting in my inbox for way too long and I am so sorry, and two i absolutely LOVE the classpects of the beta kids, but I’ll get to them later! 

On with the lengthy analysis!

So, let’s get something out of the way. You have the same classes and aspects, just shuffled around. Therefore I don’t even need to address the active/passive balance, Knight, Space and Time players, and everything else present. We’re all pretty familiar with that stuff as it is! Things are looking pretty good!

You’ve given me literally everything about the characters, so for that alone I’m going to put in as much effort as I can muster for this. Thank you so much, it helps a lot. 

Well, why don’t we go in blood caste order!

Gamzee

First off is Gamzee and OH BOY ALARM BELLS!!! Almost all of the classpects in this session I’ve dealt with before and the Bard of Time is no exception! A destruction class with any cardinal aspect is big danger, but as far as they go I would be tempted to say Bard of Time is one of the more preventable (nowhere near as dangerous as its active counterpart, but still dangerous!).

Most of his personality quirks seem to align themselves with not being too destructive at all, actually! A dead Bard of Time is the best kind of Bard of Time imo, so hopefully you’ve saved yourself a bit there! However, if you really want to cause some havoc, the Bard of Time could direct people in the complete wrong direction and, as a ghost, have no regard for stable time loops at all, causing a lot of problems (THAT COULD EVEN LEAD TO THE RISE OF LE if you’re going for that of course lmao). This Gamzee actually seems like a pretty chill dude, so hopefully he’ll be ok! I can see him being friends with Karkat and maybe even Equius! He would need to make sure his pranks didn’t get the better of him and lead him on a destructive rampage!

Eridan

Oh lord you are after my own heart. My favourite Prince (one of my god tiers >:D) and a fantastic role for Eridan, the Prince of Breath is one of the least “Bad News” Princes in the game. You definitely seem to know what you’re talking about too, as a Prince of Breath would be hesitant to try new things (or outright destroy them!) and would definitely have a bit of a superiority complex! 

If you want to look it in a positive way, Eridan could forge bonds in the team out of the destroyed freedom, or even destroy the freedom of the enemy! If you want to make Eridan the bad guy he is in the canon, you could get him to destroy the freedom and confidence of the team, possibly by blowing up their meteor, chopping someones legs off, etc! It’s up to you to decide!

Feferi

Oh thank god, the best Feferi. I love your writing of her so much (incidentally, if you end up making this let me know!). 

The Witch of Doom Feferi would be able to manipulate and control the Doom in the session or just in general! No one would be dying on her watch, and could take the death or restrictions of the team and place it upon the enemy! If any member of the team were to sacrifice themselves, much like a Rogue of Doom Feferi could move that sacrifice onto the enemy!

I can still see Feferi being friends with the same people, possibly even more!

Kanaya

Now if there was ever a counter to the Prince of Breath, this would be it! Well... apart from a Sylph of Breath but that’s beside the point!

Kanaya being the Sylph of Blood would be able to mend any relationship or bond in the session, making it one with great teamwork! The dubbing of her being the “Mom Friend” would be very accurate indeed, as she would Meddle And Fuss in relationship and make sure that everyone was getting along!

Of course, I could definitely see a rift between her and Eridan, as they each would take different approaches toward teamwork and making friends (or making people be friends with others!). That is a little of an oversimplification, but we really don’t know a whole lot about her class and her aspect!

Terezi

Being the Seer of Heart, Terezi would work very well with Kanaya, instincively knowing an awful lot about people’s emotions, and be able to read people very well, despite being blind! In terms of personality differences based on the change of aspect, I could see (hehe) her changing the most! 

Although she would be able to read people well, she may struggle with knowing how to use this information and when to apply it, as well as possibly not knowing her own sense of belonging and identity, leading to some possible complications. A good moirail would be useful, possibly even Kanaya!

She may also find it hard to know when to use her emotions, which would go well with her poor comedic timing and over-excitable personality! However, through the adventure she would learn to deal with this!

Karkat

Gee, I really don’t know why you’re coming to me, because this is a very adept analysis of Karkat is he was to be a Knight of Space! Again, love the classpect, a personal favourite.

I can see this classpect working very well with Karkat’s already existing temperament, as his creations would be very good and interesting, but he would see them as pointless and awful, going as far as to stop working on them simply because he thinks he isn’t good enough. Knight of Space and inferiority/self-confidence go together like (enter witty Homestuck reference here), and I can definitely back it up on this one! Karkat would definitely struggle with raising the mother grub and breeding the Genesis Frog, but with good enough support I can definitely feel like he can do it!

The main problem here is that the Space player instructs the Knight, and if someone is a Knight of Space, perhaps they would need to be guided by...nothing? By that I mean VOID PLAYER!

Karkat would definitely have a lot of room to grow, but largely it would be quite similar to his canon arc, just with space instead of leadership!

Nepeta

Rogue of Mind is a classpect which I haven’t had much to do with, but that doesn’t mean I don’t work with it! Nepeta would have trouble applying herself when it comes to analysis and calm-headedness, but would learn how to use her talents of the Mind! 

Nepeta would have a general ability for Mind but not realize it, which may go hand in hand with her thinking the caste system is a bad idea (because it is!!). She, like you mentioned, would have trouble deciding on things, as she may wax and wane on issues which are actually pretty important, and not understand the gravity of the situation.

I LOVE the idea of a troublemaker Nepeta, and I feel like with her personality she would be ok at it! Maybe she could hang out with Gamzee sometimes (do i hear moirail in order to protect the timeline? i think i do >:))

Equius

I’m glad to see Equius get a bit of light! He deserves all of the luck (aaaaaaaall of it!). 

Equius would hold fast in what he thinks is right and good in the world, and would often be protected by his own good luck. The Heir of Light is quite similar to the Heir of Hope, but there are definitely differences! Equius would often strike the jackpot when adventuring and exploring, adding to his already substantial hoard of money and treasure, thanks to his good luck. 

Equius would be superstitious, of course, and would probably cop flack about it from his peers, and may be subconscious about it!

Vriska

Ah, the Vrisk. I take back what I said about Terezi, this is definitely the most unlike the original character! That’s perfectly fine though!

Vriska, as the Thief of Void, would do the exact opposite of what she does in the canon source, as in she would take away the insignificance from things! She would enable other people to shine brightly, but may use this darkness and irrelevance to wreak some kleptomaniac trouble! Perhaps she and Equius could be in a mutually beneficial relationship, with her providing him relevance and him providing her cool steampunk stuff!

Vriska would definitely steal stuff, and I would imagine that she would be an avid hoarder of other peoples secrets, loving to get some sweet goss to blackmail people if she needed! She would be a master manipulator from and with the shadows, but would still be pretty well liked!

Aradia

Aradia would have issues with internalized Rage, and would rely on other people for power, anger, and other things related to her aspect.

She would also suffer from Rage a bit, like how Jane as the Maid of Life suffers from having so much energy to do things but is restricted!

Aradia would definitely feel unattached, due to her questioning of her own anger and emotions, and may sometimes rely too much on the wrong people, who either manipulate her or simply can’t or won’t help.

Despite that, she would end up being very good at using her anger to create things and directly heal others, possibly through sheer determination! She would be very powerful and may simply, in some kind of purple frenzy, create the end for many of her enemies! I haven’t looked much into the Maid of Rage, but you can count on her being equally as scary!

Tavros

Well, we’re in luck here because we’ve already got a canon Page of Hope, our buddy Jake English who, funnily enough, Tavros is quite good friends with! 

I can definitely see Tavros as a good Page of Hope, and being very optimistic and guillible, definitely to a fault. Just like in the source material, I could still see Vriska manipulate him a bit, but with Tavros having a bit more confidence and a hell of a lot more power in terms of blood type, he wouldn’t have much of a problem!

I could actually see Tavros progress quite nicely, either that or being killed in some kind of horrific accident with Sollux’s lusus! I also love that Tavros paps the lusii. Adorable.

Sollux

My man Sollux. I’ll be honest, I’m totally bias and I LOVE Sollux, and this is probably going to be longer, as not only do I love Sollux, but I also have quite the extensive knowledge of the Mage of Life!

Like Mage of Doom Sollux, Mage of Life Sollux would suffer from bipolar, probably worse than he already has it, due to him suffering from life and energy. He would be a lot more free and able to do what he wants, but would still struggle with the fact that there is a fixed amount of Life for everything.

Like any good person suffering from Life, he would be very impulsive and talkative, like you state, as he would act first and think later. He would also struggle with authority, like other Life players do, and being in a high position in the caste would make him not be able to handle responsibility well.

====================================================

Well, you seem to have done a pretty good job so far! You’ve got enough complications to make something bad happen, but also enough good things to maybe not let everyone die!

Beta Kids

I’m not going to analyse the Beta kids, but I will tell you that you’ve definitely got the right idea, and I encourage you to be confident with their personalities! John and Rose wouldn’t change much, but Jade and Dave would be influenced by their aspect. It’s fine as you have it though! I would love to see their interactions with the trolls!

Overall Analysis

Depending on how you want things to go, I could give this between a 50% of success and a 90% chance of success! The characters would work quite well together, and I can definitely see a lot of different dynamics at work! If you ever end up making this a thing, link me it, it sounds really interesting!

And that is THAT done! Hope you enjoyed!

[auburnfamilynews]

Auburn football’s 2010s weren’t actually bookended by Outback Bowls. The 38-35 victory over Northwestern 10 years ago rightfully belongs to the 2009 season; if you count that as part of the just-concluded decade, you have to logically shift the Tigers’ recent 31-24 defeat to Minnesota to the 2020s.

But who cares about logic in the face of a narrative contrast like this? 10 years ago, Auburn went to Tampa with a 7-5 record, no top-25 ranking, and an SEC mark that left them sharing the West cellar with Arkansas and Mississippi State. But Gus Malzahn’s exciting offense, cathartic wins over West Virginia and Ole Miss, and a stirring challenge of undefeated Alabama had Auburn fans buzzing enough for the Outback folks to take the Tigers over several equally qualified SEC candidates. Against the Wildcats, Auburn didn’t play well at all — Northwestern racked up 34 first downs and outgained the Tigers by 196 yards — but squeaked out an OT win thanks to a bevy of Wildcat turnovers, missed field goals and general lack of explosiveness. With a five-star JUCO quarterback signee tailor-made for Malzahn’s attack already on his way, Auburn fans entered the offseason universally thrilled about the direction of the program.

A few weeks ago, Auburn went to Tampa with a 9-3 record, a No. 12 ranking in the polls (and a top-5 resume according to SP+), and the glory of another riveting, emotional Jordan-Hare victory over Alabama. But 10-win seasons for four other SEC teams meant an Outback bid nonetheless, against a Gophers team that had gone 10-2 itself. The Auburn defense struggled for much of the first half, the offense for much of the second half, and in the end the Tigers were outgained by 262 yards in a game that wasn’t as close as the 31-24 final. With major questions to answer along both lines of scrimmage and the offense’s continued habit of collapsing for long stretches against quality opponents, even Auburn fans who still support Malzahn enter the offseason ambivalent about the direction of the program.

Two seasons, two Auburn teams, one of which was easily better, one of which accomplished more, one of which represented a stronger and more stable Auburn program. But the other got a much easier opponent in its bowl, an opponent who played much worse. So that’s that team who gave Tiger fans the better feelings entering the offseason.

Two Outback Bowls, 10 years apart. The 2020 edition didn’t leave Auburn fans less happy because these Tigers weren’t as good. In fact, they were much better. The competition just got much harder.

There’s your decade.

Let’s briefly list Auburn’s accomplishments over the past 10 seasons:

— The program’s only national championship since 1957

— Two conference championships, tying with LSU for the most of any SEC team other than Alabama in that span

— Three SEC West titles, more than any team other than Alabama in that span. Among all SEC teams, only the Tide and Georgia claimed more division titles

— Four BCS or New Year’s Six bowl berths, tying Florida for the most in that span among SEC teams other than Alabama

— Four wins over Alabama, with the Tide ranked No. 9, No. 1, No. 1 and No. 5 at the time of Auburn’s victories. Those wins represented 36 percent of all SEC wins over Alabama during the decade, with the rest of the conference going a combined 7-70 against the Tide

— Defeated unbeaten No. 1 Georgia and unbeaten No. 1 Alabama in the space of three weeks in November 2017

— This

— This

— This

— This

— This

— This

Given the ruggedness of the current SEC and the depth of Auburn’s accomplishments, the 2010s were Auburn football’s greatest postwar decade aside from the 1980s. If you give extra weight to what we might call the program’s extracurriculars — a Heisman trophy winner and an all-time college football legend in Cam Newton, the most unexpected and exhilarating regular season in recent college football memory in 2013, the wonder of November 2017, the catharsis of beating Bama for Rod and Paula, nothing less than the greatest play in the history of college football — you could argue the 2010s were Auburn football’s greatest postwar decade, the end.

Either way, the person far and away most responsible for that decade is Gus Malzahn.

————————————-

It’s the rancor I don’t get.

Wanting Gus let go: that I do, sure. Despite the midseason run in 2016 and the records set in 2017, for six seasons now Gus’s offense has shown all the steady reliability of a teenage TCBY employee. Those offensive collapses have meant a long string of soul-pummeling defeats far more frustrating to experience than they appear to be on paper. (Given that LSU just cemented themselves as one of the best college football teams ever assembled, “LSU 23, Auburn 20” reads as the sort of score Tiger fans could look back on with fondness for a valiant effort. Nope!) That simultaneously keeping up with Saban’s Alabama, Smart’s Georgia and now Coach O’s LSU is a herculean task doesn’t mean it’s not the task assigned to Auburn’s head coach. If Gus can’t perform it — and as the Minnesota game reminded us, the offense’s vanishing act doesn’t seem like a problem he’s yet learned how to resolve — Auburn should try to find someone who can. In theory, that person would only have to maintain what’s already a more-than-capable defense while building an offense that simply has to avoid melting down like so much grilled cheese vs. the teams that matter. Shouldn’t be so hard, right?

I can’t bring myself to agree with that argument. But if you want to make it, be my guest. There’s a logic to it.

What there’s no logic to is looking at Auburn’s 2010s and snarling about how Gus sucks. There’s no thinking behind looking at everything Malzahn has brought to this program — as both coordinator and head coach, on the field and off — and yowling like a hurt cat that he needs to be fired yesterday. There’s nothing rational about being more angry over bowl losses to UCF or Minnesota than you are happy over Iron Bowl victories over Alabama.

College football fandom is an inherently irrational enterprise, I know, and I can’t sit here and guarantee that no other coach would have achieved what Malzahn did at Auburn these past 10 seasons. But I can guarantee an unholy crapton of coaches would not have. Many, many coaches would have lost that game on Nov. 30, would have let Derrick Brown and Marlon Davidson and Kam Martin and a whole lot of other good Auburn Tigers walk off Pat Dye Field for the final time as losers.

He didn’t. For goodness’ sake, some of you, show some damn gratitude.

———————————

I wrote before the Georgia game that Auburn football couldn’t stay in the same place. It needed to beat Georgia and Alabama and move forward with confidence under Gus, or lose to Georgia and Alabama and move forward under someone else, or split and watch Gus ride off into an Arkansas sunset.

The moment the Tide fell for Gus’s punt team shenanigans, none of those scenarios had a chance. Auburn wasn’t ever firing a coach that had gone 9-3 against that schedule with that win over Alabama. Gus wasn’t ever leaving a job where he can win a national title for one where he can’t if his seat isn’t white-hot.

So it turns out Auburn could enter the new decade in the same place after all. Gus will take another stab at stopping his offense from falling down a flight of stairs four times a year; the defense and recruiting will push ahead as their usual high-caliber selves; the fans will keep bickering in endless circles, trying and failing to make sense of a program that should be good enough to make us unambiguously happy but doesn’t.

Personally, y’all, I don’t know. I’ve given up on knowing. “I don’t want Gus fired, but I want a new coach, but there’s no new coach I want” is, obviously, gobbledygook. Nonetheless, it’s all true: I don’t want Gus fired. But I want a new coach. But there’s no new coach I want.

Gus hasn’t been nearly poor enough that I ought to want a new head coach. I know this. I remember all of the above. But for my entire Auburn life, a Tigers decade has been defined by a single coach: the ’80s by Dye, the ’90s by Bowden (mostly), the Aughts by Tubby, the 2010s by Gus. After 2018, after Florida and LSU and Georgia and Minnesota, I struggle to believe Gus still has enough of his offensive fastball to get Auburn off the train platform and onto somewhere better. The 2020s seem likely to belong to someone else.

I would like to find out who that might be. I would like an end to the endless arguments about Gus in my Twitter mentions. I would like to quit writing pieces addressing whether he should remain head coach. I would like to express my opinions about Auburn’s coaching position and have them not be gobbledygook.

But that’s not happening yet, and that’s OK, too. Another year of life in the muddled gray area won’t kill us (probably). Maybe having an experienced coordinator aboard Gus knows and trusts makes a difference. Maybe Tank Bigsby gives Auburn a Kerryon-esque anchor at running back, and that makes a difference. Maybe the lighter schedule makes a difference. It’s college football; there’s a hundred things we can’t see that could make a difference.

Another thing we can’t see: who on earth Auburn could hire who we’d confidently say would do better.

I’m ready for whatever the next stage of Auburn football might be. But considering what Gus Malzahn has given us — and that it’s unclear if anyone else could give us anything more in the near future than he will — I can wait for that stage a little while longer.

Photo via.

from The War Eagle Reader https://www.thewareaglereader.com/2020/01/a-decade-under-the-gusfluence/