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sardonic-the-writer · 2 years

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━"Bad Bad Things"

━Tw: Mentions of murder, some flirty things

Being the leading personnel of a supernatural branch in the government is easier than it sounds.

HQ was home to (Y/n). No matter how much alien shit the universe threw at them, it was always sorted out into piles of paperwork by the end of the day.

But when two glitchy demons are thrown into the tattered brown chairs of their office, things get much more complicated for their pay grade.

No amount of training could have prepared (Y/n) for these two men.

━Notes: Welcome to part two of Sard Burys Himself In Work Becuase They Have To Stay Sane

━Song: "Killer In The Mirror" By Set It Off

Part One Part Two

They needed to stock up on Tylenol.

(Y/n) jotted the medicines name down on a small pad of paper, other words like milk and bread surrounding it with loopy handwriting. Metal rings from the top of the small notepad they were holding left indents in their palm as they cradled it, a pen being held in the grip of their other hand.

Walking down the dark halls of their workplace was always tedious, especially when trying to navigate and write at the same time. If (Y/n) didn't know any better they would have thought that the people who built this place wanted everyone to feel like their feet were dying by the end of the day with how big the area was. Thank god that they had the sense to ditch the tacky shoes that came with their daily uniform in exchange for a pair of slip on sneakers. Practical and comfy.

Turning yet another corner to a long hallway, (Y/n) was met with the sight of one of their coworkers by a stray water cooler.

Or should I say two.

"Hey Amanda. Teddy." (Y/n) nodded at them with a polite smile, watching as each separate head nodded back.

"Hello (Y/n)." The left head—more commonly known as Ted—greated back, his three eyes blinking cheerily at them. "How's the day been treating you?"

"Oh same old thing. A couple of demons that got ahead of themselves needed reprimanding."

"Good thing we have such a human as you to keep them in line then." Amanda chirped up, her 60's beehive hairdoo bouncing with the effort of her words. (Y/n) chuckled and put their grocery list away to fully look at them and engage in more small talk.

It wasn't unusual for the workplace to be filled with all types of species. Most were like (Y/n) and here to do their job. Which mostly consisted of keeping the universe from being overrun by corrupt creatures with an ego too big to contain.

Biding a small goodbye to the pair at the water jug, they continued the now shorter walk to their office. This time without the grocery list distracting them.

Their office was a small thing. The walls were filled with generic art that had already been hung before they had even started as an intern. Sometimes when they got bored (Y/n) would try to make out weird shapes and faces in the abstract paintings. Most of the time they just ended up seeing blotches of paint though.

Apart from the hotel-esqe decoration, there was a stout mahogany desk parallel to two old brown chairs. Piles of paper were scattered across the surface, pencils and pens stuck in a black coffee mug off to the side that read "Number One Badass". (It had been gifted to them by one of them coworkers Trenchble, the zortite looking very proud with itself as it had presented the cup to them one morning.)

It would have been a completely normally office if not for the blood like symbols engraved into the walls, glowing red and buzzing faintly with magic.

Safety you know?

(Y/n) shuddered as they remembered the day that the magic department had come in to enchant their office. They pittied those blokes. It was well known that they had to endure the worst job in the entire company. There was always a chance when you entered into the black magic district that you would walk out with more heads than before.

Or not walk out at all.

Maybe that was the reason that (Y/n) liked what they did. Pulling demons from all over the multiverse straight into the scratchy seats of their office to repremand them certainly wasn't safe, but they reckoned it could be worse. After all, who would have guessed that the hyper kid that ate mud in their younger years would go on to become a powerful sorcerer.

Shedding their light outer coat from the previous walk should have taken all but two seconds if not for the stubborn buttons lined right at the front of it. After struggling for a bit they just gave up, finally going to sit at their desk chair.

The air from the cushion on it let out a low hiss as they flopped down. Eyes closing with a sigh, they felt themself trying to fight off an incoming headache.

It had barely been a second since they sat down before they heard the distinct woosh of a scroll arriving on the wall of their office.

Peeking their eyes open with a small grumble, (Y/n) rolled the wheels of their chair over to the tube without even getting up. They silently cursed Texon from downstairs for interrupting their moment of peace, even if brief. He was the only satyr to still use the old tube system that snaked throughout the entire place instead of company mandated phones anyways, so it's not like they had to think twice about who sent them the scroll.

Two level five intelligence soon to be dropped off. Cause of disturbance is unknown. Hostile group at hand. You still owe me five dollars from poker night (Y/n)

They were pretty sure it was against policy to add personal notes to notice letters, but that wasn't their biggest concern right now. Instead it was the large number five staring back at them on the copy paper.

Well-

Shit.

(Y/n) had never dealt with a level five demon before. A two was the normality. Maybe a couple threes here and there, a rare four sprinkled in to keep them on their toes. But a five? The only other known five was Lucifer himself. And the king of demons hadn't caused any trouble since the dark ages. In fact (Y/n) recalled hearing something about the evil-doer being retired to the beaches of bora bora.

So who the fuck was out there trying to give them more headaches than usual.

The adult didn't have to wait long to find out, the familiar flash of purple and blue light blinking once before two people—er, demons—were standing at the front of their desk, weapons bared.

They were both the most human looking entities that (Y/n) had ever seen, although still sporting normal, demonic features.

Blue and red waves overlapped from one of them. The tingly feeling had caught (Y/n)s attention, knowing that normally the runes on the wall would prevent any sort of magic from occurring in there. But it seems like they both had missed the memo.

Could demons even receive emails where they come from?

(Y/n) shook their head. That wasn't what they should be focusing on right now. Instead it should be the supposedly high risk entities not but six feet away from them.

The man on the right was donning a crisp white suit, the color contrasting greatly with his messy pitch black hair. The same black color adorned his jawline as the beginning of a light beard peaked through. They could see muscles straining through the fabric he was wearing as well, causing (Y/n) to hope that he wouldnt be much trouble. They might be able to beat him with magic in here, but it was no secret that they didn't work out. At least not enough to overpower that.

His muscles were pulled tight, grey tinted skin tense, and they could see why. Just a couple feet away from him stood the other level five, living up to his title.

(Y/n) first noticed he had a shock of fluffy green hair, which threw them off a little at first. Peiricings littered his sharp ears, some of then catching the light from above and glinting. A small brown scruff lined his jawline, texture like sand paper. Along with that he wore a simple pair of tight fitting black jeans that were ripped at the knees and a black t-shirt, looking much more laid back than the other demon.

Who he was currently pointing a knife at.

"So it's gonna be one of those days huh."

(Y/n) almost regretted speaking as soon as the words had come out. Both of them immediently snapped their heads over to the sorcerer, making them itch to grab at the amber pendant at their neck.

Before any of them could say a word (Y/n) butt in.

"I wouldn't try anything if I were you. This whole place is covered in spells that prevent you from doing any harm. You couldn't glitch from there to the door even if you tried."

No one said anything.

"What are you just standing there for?" (Y/n) snapped, their mood switching from timid to impatient quickly. "You two are the main cause of my headache today and I want you out of here as soon as possible. So sit."

They pointed to the two chairs in front of them, both of the demons not moving their eyes from their face.

"Where, might I ask is, here."

Finally one of them spoke. It was the one in the suit, running his hands lightly over the material of the chair (Y/n) had pointed at, brushing off invisible dust from it before taking a poised seat.

The other one didn't let up from his defensive position. While he did walk over same as his fellow demon to sit down, the thin knife in his hands was still unsheathed.

"I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

The corner of their mouths twitched upwards slightly. Like they found what they had just said amusing.

"Names?"

"Listen lass, we're not jus bout te give ye our na-"

"Names."

"Darkiplier and Antisepticeye." The one now known as Darkiplier spoke up. Anti gave him a glare, gripping the knife harder.

(Y/n) blinked once. Those names sounded extremely familiar.

They wanted to reach under their desk and move some things around to look for 'The Big Book Of Demons' (a large pamphlet that came with that job they never used) but they didn't trust themself to take their gaze off the two of them for one minute.

They opted for pulling a peice of paper over to themself, snatching up a stray pen to write down a few details.

First one—Darkiplier—appears to be a void demon. Calm. Collected. Perhaps a known deal maker. Emits magic even when surrounded by powerful runes. Second one—Antisepticeye—is irish (for some reason.) Visibly a glitch demon. Sporadic. Loud. Also emits magi-

"Darling you do know we can hear you."

Fuck had they been talking out loud again?

They chose to ignore Darks honeyed words as they walked over to the tube, quickly putting the fresh scroll inside it and sending it back down to Texon.

"Listen-" (Y/n) had gone back to their desk and sat down. "-you two are giving us some trouble. I could tell the moment you popped in here that your little scuffle was on the verge of ripping a hole in the space time continuum. And we don't need any more of those after a certain space crew."

The two across from them shared a look like they knew what they were talking about.

They didn't like that.

"Now I could either send the both of you to the I.R.S or we could do things the easy way."

Anti barked a laugh at their words.

"Ye really think ye coul' ovehrpower us doll?" He laughed again eyeing them up with a sharp smile. "Ye might be attractive bu' not enough te beat meh in a fight."

(Y/n)s eyes widened at the blunt compliment/insult combo the glitch had just thrown at them.

"Now now Anti. Let's hear what they have to say. This is certainly more entertaining then beating you in another meaningless fight." Dark laid a hand on Antis thigh, the monochrome man relishing in the way that he grinded his teeth together at it.

"Foine."

(Y/n) cooked an eyebrow at the exchange between the two men. That, er, interaction certainly was worth keeping a mental note on.

"It's simple. We, meaning me and a team of sorcerers that could destroy your physical form in a second if I ordered them to, keep tabs on you two to make sure you aren't interrupting the universes flow. If all is well you boys may carry on your merry way doing whatever the hell you do. And if not..."

They let the end of their sentence trail off into the air, an unsaid threat lingering in between them all.

They let themself revel in the silence watching as they both thought it over. Granted it was a bit unnerving to have two sets of eyes, one blood red and the other electric green, boring into their soul the entire time. But they certaintly had had worse. That scar on their calf didn't come from a paper cut after all.

"Deal." Darkipler agreed after a moment of silence. He stood up politely to outstretched his hand in a shaking motion. But (Y/n) pushed it down slowly with a snort, taking note of how cold his skin was. And how his touch lingered just a bit too long than concidered normal.

"I'm not shaking your hand. I might be 'just another pretty face' according to your accomplice over there, but I'm not completely brain dead.

"It's always worth a try. Clearly I mistook such a clever one as you for a fool." Dark said with a smirk, purring at them lowly. He took his hand back and adjusted the cuffs of his suit while watching them all the while.

They didn't like how their ears felt a little hot.

"And I'm noht his accomplice." Anti growled cutting into the silence. Dark just rolled his eyes like he had heard this a thousand times before. Which he probably had.

"That is all I need from you two." (Y/n) cleared their throat, crossing their arms to hide the goosebumps on their amrs that definitely hadnt been caused by the way Dark had been looking at them.

"If you wish, you may take the way out of here just across the hallway to the left. Hopefully for your sake we never meet again."

They both looked at them with chilling smiles.

"Thank you dear." Was all Dark had said before strolling calmly put the office door.

"It has been a pleasure."

The glass double doors opened for them on command, laying way for a cool summers night outside.

Despite every nerve in their body and thought in their head telling them to forget them and move on, (Y/n) couldn't. It wasn't everyday they dealt with level five demons, much less those with such... unique personalitys.

Anti was lighting. Quick, striking, erratic. When he entered a room it was like alarm bells went crazy in everyone's head, warning their primal instincts to run.

But Dark was more subtle. A poisoned drink almost. Slowly chipping away at you; sapping your strength untill there was barely anything left.

(Y/n) now knew why everyone there had been wary of the pairs presence. Even on their own, the two would be a force to be reckoned with. But together?

They were dangerous.

And it worried (Y/n) that they liked it.

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