#serious reason is that guy is shit at real guns and cliff is not used to being fleshy in a fight

[lesbobiwan]

8 with Hunter 🥺 Please and thank you 😇

#8: "If you're going to act like a little brat then I'm going to treat you like a little brat." + Hunter

warnings: spanking as punishment, cunnilingus, the joys of trying to have a sex life while being a parent to a nosy child

(lets pretend that the galaxy is nice and the bad batch has both omega and crosshair on board. because im the writer and say fuck u cowboy hat man. also u guys r here for porn. not plot)

It wasn't like you were being serious. You only wanted to have a little fun.

Crosshair was just... conveniently there.

"You must have very steady hands," you remark, holding up Crosshair's hand to inspect them.

He smirks from around his toothpick, totally aware of what little game you're playing but always ready to fuck with his brother.

His fingers are more slender than Hunter's, nimble in a way that's beneficial for a man who lives his life on the trigger of a gun.

You've always valued thickness over length.

You continue to inspect Crosshair's fingers regardless.

He lets you ooh and ahh at his fingers and in turn gets a nice confidence boost while fucking with Hunter. A beneficial relationship.

The vein on Hunter's is getting exponentially larger with every second you spend touching Crosshair, but it isn't until Crosshair offers to give you a personal demonstration of how useful his fingers can be that Hunter stands up.

"Alright," Hunter's voice is short and clipped and sure to cause the best kind of pain for your backside. "Everybody out." He stands up from his bunk, drawing the attention of Wrecker, Tech, Echo, and Omega.

"What?" Echo's voice is incredulous as he looks up from whatever he was tinkering with.

"Where are we going?" Omega asks, bouncing up to her feet.

You would smile at her overabundant enthusiasm if it weren't for the fact that you wanted to be fucked. Now.

Being a new parent really puts a damper on your sex life, which was already had to be a little sneaky to begin with when you shared a ship with four other people.

Hunter falters, mouth falling open but staying silent.

"Um, Hunter and I just need to talk about something real quick, sweetheart," you cover, excitement starting to build in your gut.

Tech scoffs and mumbles something under his breath.

Wrecker elbows him hard enough to shove Tech into the side of the bunk.

"Oh," Omega rolls onto the backs of her heels, "what about?"

Yup, you're tapped out for trying to come up with excuses to get a child out of the house so you can have sex.

You look at Hunter and gesture out towards Omega. Your turn.

"Uhm... adult stuff," Hunter stammers smartly.

"C'mon, kid," Wrecker plucks Omega up around the waist and hauls her under his arm like a ball, easily leading her out of the ship.

Tech and Echo are the next to rise, both of them hauling little scraps of machinery.

"You do know we're in the middle of nowhere," Tech reminds the two of you on your way out.

"Out, Tech."

Crosshair is the last to get up, groaning with the obvious tremendous effort it takes to stand up. "You owe me," he informs you, pointing one of his long fingers at you.

"Bye, Crosshair," you sing, reaching out to graze a finger along his wrist as he steps past you.

The tension in the ship is palpable.

"I can't help but feel like you're mad at me," you point out, eyes trailing over the way that Hunter's broad chest rises and falls with each of his deep inhales.

You see Hunter's nostrils flair — most likely breathing in your arousal. No sooner than the thought enters your mind, Hunter's eyes dilate. Definitely breathing in your arousal.

Still, he doesn't say anything.

"Me and Cross were just having some fun," you defend, cheeks growing red.

Suddenly, your grand idea doesn't seem that grand anymore.

"Do you want to do this here? Or in the bedroom?" Hunter steps closer into your personal space, so close you can smell the GAR issued soap on him mixed with something distinctly Hunter.

He's offering you a small bit of mercy, a small portion of control in your punishment.

Then you have to open your big mouth.

"We could always use Crosshair's bun — hey!"

Hunter's hand closes around your hair within one breath and the next.

"Hunter!" you cry out, hands scrambling at his wrist, "What the hell are you doing? Let me go!"

He sits on a bunk and — oh, fuck it's actually Crosshair's bunk, Hunter's actually doing this — sprawls you across his lap, one heavy hand on the back of your neck.

Heat rushes to your cheeks and your cunt. "Okay, this isn't funny," you say, while internally you beg for him to keep going, "let me up."

You don't try as hard as you should to get out of his grasp. You think Hunter knows.

"No." Hunter's grip on your neck tightens while his other hand drags both your pants and panties over your ass until they get stuck around your knees. "If you're going to act like a little brat then I'm going to treat you like a little brat."

Shit. You rub your thighs together over his lap, one of your hands clasping around his ankle.

"How many do you think you deserve after that little stunt?" Hunter asks, though you know it's purely rhetorical. "Ten? Fifteen?" His hand swipes across the meat of your asscheeks, warming up the skin before he strikes it — another small mercy.

You hold your breath. You're sure any number you give will only be doubled.

Hunter huffs. "Smart girl," he comments at your silence. "Count."

That's all the warning you get before —

Smack!

You yelp at the first sting across your skin. The sound registers first before the pain. You jerk across his lap, kicking your legs out as you squeal.

The hand on the back of your neck tightens imperceptibly. "Forgetting something?"

"One!" you cry out, voice thick.

He offers you no praise. Not yet, at least. He knows this is light work for you. It's towards the end of your punishment that he'll have to start talking you through it.

Smack!

Hunter's palm lands on your opposite cheek, harder this time.

"Two!" you yelp, hands clenching around Hunter's ankle.

True to form, it takes more than a few spanks in order for you to begin to reach your limit. Your eyes get teary and you do your best to dig your face into the pristine sheets of Crosshair's bunk.

Still, despite your pain, you feel your inner thighs get slick with your arousal.

"That's my girl," Hunter coos, fingers turning almost gentle as he scratches at the nape of your neck. "Just a couple more, can you do that for me?"

His hand soothes the skin of your burning ass, but you jerk against him in sensitivity.

It's too much. Too much, you just want to be good for him now.

"Color?" Hunter prods, pulling his hand away from your stinging cheeks.

"Green!" you sob into the sheets.

Good girls take their punishment.

Hunter gives you one appraising squeeze to the back of your neck, distinctly different from how he grabbed it to get you under control, and wastes no time in delivering two succinct and brutal spanks — one to each cheek.

You wail out each corresponding number and allow yourself to devolve into tears against the sheets.

Hunter smoothes contact-warm palms over your ass cheeks, soothing the ache as best he can without getting up to grab some bacta. "Good girl," he praises, "such a good girl for me," his hand around the back of your neck slides up and begins scratching at your scalp just the way you like.

You feel your heart rate slowing down, and no doubt Hunter can too, under his careful ministrations. The ache in your ass is no less prevalent, but you can bare it.

Besides, you think as you begin to roll your hips against his thighs, there's another feeling you can focus on, instead.

Hunter chuckles, sliding the hand on your ass to dip between your thighs and ghost a finger along your folds, "Well, I suppose you do deserve a reward, don't you?"

You turn to look at him over your shoulder with teary eyes. "Please?"

Hunter flicks his thumb across your clit, and you jolt across his lap for a different reason this time. "Hands and knees, baby," he murmurs, patting your hip once to signal for you to move.

Your limbs feel sluggish as you pull yourself off his lap. "On the floor?" you ask as you start to lower yourself onto the cold ground.

A hand around your wrist stops you. "No. Right here."

Your eyes flew open. On Crosshair's bunk? Spanking you in one thing, but fucking you?

Your cunt burns in excitement. Crosshair will never forgive you and you'll never forget this.

You settle yourself onto your hands and knees on the worn-in mattress, and you don't have to wait long at all before broad, thick fingers are spreading your thighs open and a wicked tongue is pressing against your cunt.

"Fuck!" you cry out, back bowing as Hunter dives in.

His tongue is downright sloppy as he does his best to bury his face in your dripping folds. The sounds he's making against you are obscene and make your facial cheeks go almost as red as your ass cheeks.

Hunter groans against your cunt like it's the best thing he's eaten, and you tremble with the vibrations.

Fuck, you're so close already, it's not even fair.

His lips wrap around your clit and he sucks.

"Hunter!" you sob, falling face first into the mattress. Your thighs tremble beneath his hands.

After being spanked within an inch of your life, your orgasm is tittering along a cliff's edge, ready to be knocked over by the barest gust of wind that comes along in the form of Hunter sliding two thick fingers into your cunt and curling.

You fall apart around him, lips falling open in a wordless scream as your walls clench around his fingers. His relentless lips that sucked at your clit switch to slow licks as you ride out your orgasm.

Hunter pulls his fingers from your sopping pussy with a wet squelch. Immediately, he sucks his fingers into his mouth.

You watch behind heavy eyelids as Hunter licks up every last drop of your release — you also notice the large wet spot in the front of Hunter's pants.

The knowledge that he came in his pants like some fresh-faced cadet is almost enough to have you wanting a second round.

"C'mon, baby," Hunter rasps, "Let's get you cleaned up."

~

When the rest of the crew comes back, Crosshair takes one look his bunk, with a wet spot from your tears and the crumpled up sheets and immediately groans.

"You're both disgusting. You're washing my sheets," he complains, pulling them off his bed as best he can without touching too much of them.

"Why?" Omega asks, popping her head in out of nowhere. "What'd they do?"

Yeah, Hunter can deal with that one too, you think as you burrow your face deeper into his chest and close your eyes.

[howtotrainyouragents]

Agent H’s Book Reactions

 Isle of Blood and Stone by Makiia Lucier

The sudden appearance of two maps unlocks the mystery behind the disappearance of the princes of Del Mar

-It seems mean of me to rant about the bad things about this book because I know it’s not hugely known, from a smaller publisher/author, it’s #ownvoices, and I believe in giving books like this a fair, even generous, chance. But that being said...I have a lot to complain about.

-How- HOW- is it possible to take a book with a such a gripping premise, and make it the most boring book ever? 

-Maybe this is just me, but I believe that the story should have started by the time you’re 100 pages in.

-Okay, I think there’s at least one major reason it’s so boring: the worldbuilding gets in the way of the story. This book is a great example of detailed attention to the everyday lives and society of the characters, but there’s just. too. much. of. it. You drop the worldbuilding essentials in the beginning and then you get going with the plot, only stopping to fill in worldbuilding when it’s relevant or when you need to create breathing room. This book drops in worldbuilding factoids literally so often that I started a (nonalcoholic bc I’m responsible) drinking game from it. Like, cool backstory but none of this random shit matters?? Tell me about the maps and the princes, I don’t really care about the society that much when it’s so irrelevant to the plot.

-Oh my goodness, the fact that there’s an entire sequence where Elias almost gets the plague and then doesn’t and the entire thing is not even important to the plot really capture my frustrations with the lost potential of this book. Like, someone ring Chekov, I think I found his gun unused. 

-I am so grateful that there were the spirits of Javelin and the sea serpent because otherwise I would have straight up murdered this book for being so boring.

-Maybe this is just my pet peeve, but she switches between using non-contractions for her characters to sound formal, and using contractions to make them sound natural and it’s just really inconsistently done. Please pick one and stick to it; it’ll be less jarring

-I do wish that the book had alternating POV between Elias, Mercedes, and Ulises rather than 95/5/1 split between Elias, Mercedes, and Ulises respectively (which by the way, probably another pet peeve, but that’s a terrible way to split POV. Either keep it to one character or split evenly don’t just randomly jump for like a quarter-chapter and then come back to the main narrator). Like they all had skin in the game and it could have been really interesting to see how this journey is affecting all of them. Elias was not compelling enough to be the main POV. Mercedes definitely was (I wouldn’t have minded if it was from all her POV). Ulises maybe not but he could have if he’d gotten some attention.

-I’m not even sure where to start with Elias. We had one great intro scene of him, and then the next scene he’s literally throwing a temper tantrum to all his friends/mentors/leaders. That got me way off on the wrong foot with him. He’s supposed to be a kind of a rogue and a troublemaker, but his personality is honestly just kinda bland and a little depressing. He’s like top of the game, so there’s no rooting for him. And then he doesn’t do the obvious, right thing by taking Reyna on as his apprentice but hands her off to someone else after there was so much build up. And then like, I know this quest was personal for him, but I feel like Mercedes and Ulises had much more interesting and bigger stakes at hand; I would much rather see them struggle with the implications of this quest then see Elias dance around this and not really struggle with it.

-Look, I get that Mercedes is actually totally an appropriate name for the regional/historical setting, but it’s also an incredibly famous modern name, and this right here is a great example of the Tiffany Problem= the name Tiffany was actually a common Medieval name but it can’t be used in fantasy because it’s too modern looking and would seem unrealistic to the audience. I mean, Lucier, good for you for going for it anyway but it did throw me for a loop (and that’s on me, I knowww)

-Oh cool, so the war against Mondrago was completely unjustified. That’s shitty. They can rebuild the nation, but they’ll never admit the truth and give the people justice. That’s super shitty.

-There’s so many things about this book that made me angry, but the fact that it tried to make me feel sympathetic for Mercedes because one (1) old woman spat at her (and missed her, mind you) is like way at the top. I think Mercedes being half-Mondragan is fascinating (although it’s mitigated by the fact she’s  royalty so it’s not like she was ever in danger of discrimination), but we never see her facing the dangers of her ethnicity. The one (1) incident we see is that a woman spat her, and then Elias and Ulises are all up in arms and they all spend the rest of the book being angry about it. Like, I get it, if someone I loved was spat at, I’d feel the same way. But as a reader, you have to make me care. You have to show me the injustice she faces because of her identity (she’s in danger, she can’t get work, she’s not safe outside, take your pick, it doesn’t have to be gritty,). I’m not saying this from a “POC facing racism shows realism” perspective, I’m saying this as a reader, we need her to have real, serious stakes in the game in order for her and FOR US to be invested in her journey. There needs to be some struggle so that there’s satisfaction when the truth is revealed and the Mondragans are innocent (although, see above point). Otherwise. It’s. Just. Boring.

-You can tell the author really really liked Reyna (especially since the second book is about her??), but I really really did not care about her at all. Like I thought she was a sweet kid, but she really did not need to have the plot/emotional/character signficance that she did when 1) it’s super weird having this mature-for-her-age 9 year old amongst all these young adults/adults  and 2) more time spent with her meant less time spent with characters who actually mattered, i.e. Mercedes, Ulises, Lord Silva

-I wanted way more of Ulises, but I will conceded that that’s because of my ultimate weakness for royal men.

-Also this book feels the compelling need to spell everything out. Which is annoying but fine except for the one time that it doesn’t spell it out and it should have:

-The reveal of the villain made no sense?? I was sitting in the bookstore cafe and I think everyone was giving me weird looks because I kept throwing my hands up and cursing. IT MADE NO SENSE. Those were the most tenuous clues put together ever, and then Elias doesn’t tell anyone or even the audience. He just decides to ride night and day only to stop at the edge of a cliff and not his actual destination. That idiot. The reveal of the villain helper ALSO MADE NO SENSE, just for the record

-At least the reveal of Elias’ father was obvious and kinda cathartic

-The mystery of the disappearance was also pretty well done and I’ll give her that. It was sad and complicated and I at least kinda understand why the characters made those choices? BUT, there was one thing that I refuse to accept: They expect us to believe that FIVE soldiers took out TWENTY royal guards and kidnapped multiple people??? Like, I get it, the wine was supposed to take everyone out, but if I were planning this kidnapping, I would not take the risk. I’d bring thirty guys just in case. I’m not frightened for the characters with less than half a dozen attackers; bring me the squad and make it a double and then we’ll talk. 

-I didn’t hate the romance of the story, which is rare for me and YA, so that’s something

-Despite what this may look like, I didn’t hate this book. I’d recc it to the right person. But I’d spent a long time hoping to read this book, and I think I’m just a little disappointed by the lost potential and super frustrated by the dullness

-Why is it called Isle of Blood and Stone?? Why is the series Tower of Winds??Am I just dumb? Bitch, I might be

[verytamenow]

Any or all of them, huh? All of them

That wasn’t a this or that thing but I’m bored and technically did ask for it so fine...smartass...

1. What is you middle name? Eric Lynn

2. How old are you? 27

3. When is your birthday? June 8

4. What is your zodiac sign? Gemini

5. What is your favorite color? It depends. To wear? For walls? For a car? In general, steel blue.

6. What’s your lucky number? I don’t really have one, but I’ll choose 7 or 13 if I have to pick one.

7. Do you have any pets? I’m not a pet person

8. Where are you from? Socal

9. How tall are you? 5′5.5″

10. What shoe size are you? US Mens 7

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Umm...shit...like....6?

12. What was your last dream about? I honestly don’t even remember.

13. What talents do you have? Bold of you to assume I could have talents

14. Are you psychic in any way? I’ve had a couple premonition like dreams, but they clue me in to anything important and I don’t wake up remembering much of them.

15. Favorite song? Losing My Religion by REM

16. Favorite movie? Alien, maybe? Or Iron Man.

17. Who would be your ideal partner? I don’t have a specific person in mind. Definitely someone patient but unwilling to tolerate any bullshit. Must understand sarcasm.

18. Do you want children? Dear gods NO!

19. Do you want a church wedding? I don’t particularly care. I don’t really want one but I’d do it if my partner wanted one. No guarantee I’d not get struck down entering the church.

20. Are you religious? Not really. I struggle with the concept of organized religion. But I do respect spirituality so long as it’s not being used to justify bigotry and have some sort of vague belief in it. 

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yes. Both for my own care and to visit family, none of which are fond memories.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? I haven’t.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? No, not yet. But hopefully one day Taylor will run out of other people to meet and finally take pity on me.

24. Baths or showers? Showers! I can’t stand baths for more than 10-15 minutes but can take an hour long shower.

25. What color socks are you wearing? Light and dark blue striped socks.

26. Have you ever been famous? No.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Yes and no. I’d not say no to the potential money involved. But I’m a quiet guy and if I couldn’t find a way to protect my privacy like Taylor’s managed, I’d be done with it pretty quickly.

28. What type of music do you like? A bit of everything, but I’ve been on a pop kick recently.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No, but I’d give it a go in the right setting.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? One, unless they’re not firm enough.

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I usually fall asleep on my side.

32. How big is your house? Few bedrooms and a couple bathrooms, 2 stories. Decent sized.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I usually don’t. But if I wake up starving, I’ll try to find some leftover chicken or something to munch on, usually cold. 

34. Have you ever fired a gun? Yeah, fired a few different types. I’m not a great shot and I don’t handle the noise well. I struggle pulling the trigger for whatever reason.

35. Have you ever tried archery? I haven’t but I really want to!

36. Favorite clean word? Strobocopic is the first word that comes to mind and that’s 100% my dad’s fault, damn him.

37. Favorite swear word? Fuck.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? About 48 hours? I’ll usually take a sleeping pill or pass out on my own by then.

39. Do you have any scars? Ignoring the obvious quip about mental ones, I’ve got a couple physical. Got a faint one on my knee from busting it open as a kid that you can’t really see now. Got a fair few stretch marks and some acne scars as well.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? If I did, they were so secret I didn’t know about them.

41. Are you a good liar? Depends on what it is and how close I am to them. I can lie alright on phone or text unless you know me well or tell a stranger a white lie. But I’ve got no poker face whatsoever so I suck at the big ones, and the closer I am to someone the worse I get at lying. 

42. Are you a good judge of character? Kinda? I haven’t trusted too many assholes but like anyone I can overlook the bad in someone I care about. 

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Nope.

44. Do you have a strong accent? I don’t think so.

45. What is your favorite accent? British or Australian.

46. What is your personality type? Impatient but laid back smartass with a mixed sense of self preservation. I’m a pretty go with the flow guy, but yeah patience isn’t my strong suit.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? My redwing boots.

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie.

50. Left or right handed? Strongly right-handed.

51. Are you scared of spiders? I’m fucking terrified of them. It’s sad, really. Even the small ones.

52. Favorite food? Seafood in general or a good rare steak.

53. Favorite foreign food? Sushi!

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I’m a mess tbh. I try but I can’t quite seem to keep things up.

55. Most used phrased? “Fuck” probably.

56. Most used word? See above.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? About 30 with a shower.

58. Do you have much of an ego? I’d like to say no, but I know I’ve got a bit of pride about some things.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck until they’re almost gone and then bite.

60. Do you talk to yourself? Not so much now. If I’m alone in the house for an extended period, or I’m trying to work something out or stay focused, then yeah.

61. Do you sing to yourself? I rarely sing along to music in the car, let alone casually to myself.

62. Are you a good singer? Gods no.

63. Biggest Fear? The glib answer is spiders. But in the spirit of the question lise: the actual answer is the inevitable fuck up that is the last straw that leds to people leaving.

64. Are you a gossip? Yes and no? I don’t spread serious rumours, but I’ll absolutely talk shit with those I’m closest with. Kinda a nosey little prick too, I like knowing things.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? My mind kinda went straight to titanic. The 90s jumped out.

66. Do you like long or short hair? I wear my hair short (because getting misgendered makes me want to fling myself off the nearest cliff), but would theoretically consider wearing it longer if/when my facial hair comes in. On a partner, I like either.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? I wouldn’t put money on it, but if I could see a list as I named them, I’d probably manage okay.

68. Favorite school subject? History. Or mythology, though that wasn’t a dedicated subject.

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert AF.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No and I don’t think I ever would. 

71. What makes you nervous? It’s the anxiety, bro.

72. Are you scared of the dark? More scared of the tricks my mind can play on me in it, especially if I’m trying to sleep.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Depends on how close I am and what the mistake is.

74. Are you ticklish? Very and I don’t find being tickled funny or enjoyable. I’m likely to get pretty pissed off if someone tickles me intentionally.

75. Have you ever started a rumor? Never intentionally.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Not really? Not with any real power.

77. Have you ever drank underage? Tried a few things, didn’t care for the taste.78. Have you ever done drugs? I tried pot but I can’t inhale for shit so it didn’t do anything for me.

79. Who was your first real crush? The first I can recall was a boy named Corbin in the first grade. He had dark hair and eyes and was nice and I thought he was cute and fun to play with. Then there was a girl named Emily who was tall and blonde. I don’t think I really knew they were crushes though. The first time I had a crush and KNEW it was a crush was high school, on a girl in my chem class and then on my physics teacher in my junior year.

80. How many piercings do you have? None.

81. Can you roll your Rs? Not anymore.

82. How fast can you type? 45-ish WPM?

83. How fast can you run? Not very fast.

84. What color is your hair? Dark blonde.

85. What color is your eyes? Blue.

86. What are you allergic to? Some laundry detergent. If it’s heavily scented I will break out in hives.

87. Do you keep a journal? No, but I’ve been told I should.

88. What do your parents do? My dad works in IT.

89. Do you like your age? Yes and no. I don’t have a problem with my age or nearing 30, but I could also fuck up my life in new and interesting ways if I could be younger knowing what I know now.

90. What makes you angry? Bigotry. Willful ignorance and unwillingness to listen. Hypocrisy. 

91. Do you like your own name? Yes, which is why I picked it.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I have zero, if not negative, desire to reproduce. But I like gender neutral names for girls - Parker, Peyton, Reagan, etc.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? I don’t want either but I REALLY would not know what to do with a child who liked traditionally feminine things.

94. What are you strengths? Sheer stubbornness.

95. What are your weaknesses? Impatience.

96. How did you get your name? I wanted to keep my initials and Zach was the name that came to mind and felt right.

97. Were your ancestors royalty? If you go back far enough, you’ll usually stumble across it.

98. Do you have any scars? Wasn’t this a previous question???

99. Color of your bedspread? Blue, not that I use it.

100. Color of your room? White. Never did get around to painting it.

[ladyosen]

Banana Fish, Volume 8

Like mentioned last time, I’m just going by volume from now on and doing highlights, to save myself time, get through this series faster and hopefully spam the tag a little less.

But as always spoilers

CW for this volume: canon appropriate violence, suicidal idealization, discussion of death, CSA and trafficking,

-I like how this volume starts out with a very funny moment from with Eiji introducing Ash to Japanese food, but then ends with Eiji being reminded that Ash is in some deep shit.  There’s this constant tension there, even when things are fun and happy between them and it won’t go away no matter how much Ash tries to protect him.

-Ash is getting kind of heartless though, demanding that lower rank gang members be killed as well.  Eiji has something to say about that, though he also reminds Eiji a killer and I think the reader is meant to be as shocked as Eiji.  We’re so close to Ash, that it becomes a forest for the trees situation.  It’s easy to forget that however sympathetic he is, he’s still killing people.

This is the first real fight they have actually had and Ash explodes and while he’s not entirely wrong to feel frustrated with Eiji, Ei-chan lays the cold hard truth down on him: he has strayed from the person that Eiji first met and that had Shorter and Skip’s loyalty. I think we also see some of Eiji’s envy towards Ash though.  He sees himself as a Have Not and Ash as Exceptional.  And he more or less confessed that out loud while criticizing Ash, which had to have hurt.  He’s viewed Eiji as completely trustworthy.

They’ve both taken certain things for granted in this relationship and I think this fight was a needed one.

-Later on they apologize and it’s charming to think that Ash goes to the library to cool down.  I imagine because people usually leave you alone in there.  But Eiji apologizes and notes that he has a different understanding of friendship.  He sees it as something where you can tell someone exactly what you’re thinking and feeling.  Ash says that Eiji just happened to hit his sore spot, which I believe to be mostly true.  Ash then confesses his feelings about death, not fearing it, but not wanting it, even though he knows it’s inevitable.  I imagine that he’s worried that when he dies, won’t be for the right reasons or in the right moment and being attacked like that has made him question himself.

He and Eiji make up though and seem to have a deeper understanding of one another.

-Arthur wants to duel Ash to the death with Cain as ref.  This is getting intense yo.  Ash is down to fight though.  And relieved because he won’t have to kill more of Arthur’s boys.  Ash says he’s known Arthur a long time and that even then he knew it would end like this.  I really hope we get to see their shared history, because it sounds super intense.  

-Also apparently the dead senator is from Florida and Max realizes that a lot of things tie into Florida.  And he and Ash figure out the conspiracy later.  The hard right republicans want to use Banana Fish to fight possible communism in South America by doing a coup, which will be easy with brain washed and drugged soldiers.  They can gain control of governments and fight against anti us sentiment.  It’s pretty terrifying honestly.  Dino is involved because the bad guys need money that cannot be easily traced.  For Dino, this deal means more cocaine to sell, since he can get it from South America. Dino could monopolize the drug market.  

The problem is getting evidence so that it can’t be pushed aside.

-Also I like that Max feels guilty about not being able to tell Charlie where Ash is.  He feels guilty over having played his friend.

-And then the whole serious tone after all of that gets ruined because Ash comes back to find out that Eiji has set up a Halloween celebration and my god.  Somehow Eiji just charmed a bunch of women in the neighborhood into just giving them food.  Amaze.   Eiji also seems sloshed, but sobers up enough to talk about girlfriends and gets flustered when Ash asks if he has one.  Ash says that his status as the boss makes him popular with girls, but those “tramps don’t stand a chance.”  He does mention having known a girl he liked at 14, but she died, murdered for being close to him.  Hah... I guess this trope was bound to happen.  Your life Ash.  He says he can’t have a relationship with a normal person because of the danger they would be in.  Before Eiji can worry if he’s a burden, Ash cuts him off, not wanting to fight and we thankfully avoid rehashing that.  

-I do like that Ash’s men seem fond of Eiji.  They also question him about lying to Eiji and just tricking him into going to the airport.  But I guess Ash wants to go all protag on us.  

-The showdown between Arthur and Max is happening and it’s a hype event for all the local gangs with bets and everything.  Like people are reacting the way they do to big time boxing matches.  They are having this badass duel on Halloween too.  Suddenly Sing comes in, demanding to referee too.  Arthur isn’t happy but gives in.  And an epic knife fight begins.  Cain asks if Sing is rooting for Ash and Sing gets a bit tsun.  Things go wrong when it turns out a train goes through the train station with a bunch of Arthur’s men in it.  What a cool, fucking dick move Arthur.  Like it’s so evil but cool.  Pure chaos happens now and quite a few guys from both Arthur and Cain’s gangs get killed.  And like all the gangs are piling in on this, because Arthur broke their code.  God Arthur you fucked up good.  Like even if he managed to kill Ash, he’s never going to survive.  

-Eiji finds out about Ash’s send off for him, and is depressed by decides that if Ash believes this is for the best, he’ll go along with it.  He convinces the guys to tell him about Ash’s duel though..  Really these two.

But when they leave for the airport, Eiji manages to escape, no doubt to find Ash.  He’s thinking of all the pain Ash has been through and that it’s too cruel for him to die now.  Which is a strange thing to say, but it makes sense.  Ash is young, he still has time for his happy ending.

-We end with an interesting scene, with Ash finally cornering Arthur and calling him by his first name, Fredrick.  Ash drops a gun for him and Arthur loses it, angrily reminding him of what happened to his hand and demands Ash just kill him.  Ash gets angry and tells Arthur that he’s thinking wrong and that he needs to stop running away and leaves him shook.

God what a horrible cliff hanging.  The reveal of the conspiracy in full is good and makes sense.  

I also like the development between Ash and Eiji.  The conflict between them this chapter has made their relationship richer and deeper and I cant’ wait for the reunion.

I can’t wait to see how the action this volume will be animated.  this feels like a movie quality scene, with every moment pulse pounding.

I also feel like what ever happened between Arthur and Ash was pretty complex, especially since we’re now getting hints that Ash might have cared for him on some level.  Just what happened to set this all off?

[ragehappysecretsanta]

Author: http://madprincevagabond.tumblr.com

Recipient: http://tarathemun.tumblr.com

Summary: The plan was flawless, the Heist perfect, Ryan was certain everything was going to be fine. Until Jeremy got shot.

Warnings: Mature, gang violence, small amount of angst, fluff, kisses and cuddles, language

WordCount: 2868

"Everybody hit the fucking deck!"

The shout that came from the Maze Bank entrance was followed up by the loud report of gunfire. The civilians inside screamed and fell to the floor, cowering as they caught sight of Los Santos' most notorious gang.

The Fake AH Crew!

The smaller man who'd initially yelled stood at the bank entrance smiling down at the crying, trembling civilians as his companions rushed in and set about their heist. His aviator glasses hid his eyes but they could almost see the glint of joy and satisfaction there. His white Stetson sat atop his head like an eagle on a cliff, his ridiculous orange shirt, purple blazer and yellow slacks a reminder to all that Rimmy Tim didn't give a fuck about fashion.

"Gavin get on those cameras and get security down!" shouted a tall man in a nice suit. Several of the hostages swallowed in fear as they recognized the Kingpen of the city, Geoff Ramsey and leader of the Fakes.

"On it Geoffrey!" a younger man with dirty blonde hair cheered in a British accent as he vaulted over the bank counter, shoving a teller out of the way and set up a laptop, quickly typing away at the keyboard.

"I'm in, the police haven't been alerted yet and the banks security system is down," Gavin smiled at his handiwork.

"Great now move your ass and help us maintain these hostages while Geoff and Vagabond get the vault open!" another young man with curly red hair shouted at Gavin as he pointed his rifle at one of the hostages who whimpered in fear.

"Micoo, Team Nice Dynamite boi!" Gavin smiled as he joined Michael "Mogar" Jones as the two began ziptying each of the hostage's hands together.

"Yeah boi! Hey, bet I kill more cops than your dumb ass!" Michael chuckled.

"Bet you can't!"

Geoff rolled his eyes as he looked to Rimmy Tim who gave a nod to say that he would handle anything on the ground floor and keep the two bickering lads out of too much trouble. He ran past Michael who tossed him a duffle bag he'd filled with explosives and paused his bickering with Gavin to give Geoff a glance.

"I expect some of that to still be in there when you get back," he said darkly and winked. Geoff smiled and nodded before dashing down the stairs in the direction of the vault. The fifth member of the heist followed, the hostages scooting as far away from him as they could, his reputation as the most vicious killer in the state prominent in their minds. The Vagabond, the faceless mercenary who had a higher kill count than he could even remember. As he walked by Rimmy Tim he paused and glared down at two of the hostages who he'd noticed were staring at him in fear. Their faces went pale at the sight of the black skull mask he wore facing them, emotionless.

Vagabond crouched down in front of them and tilted his head slightly. Slowly he pulled out his knife and played with it close to their faces, the hostages whimpering and sobbing in fear as they begged with their eyes and shook their heads.

The Vagabond chuckled darkly as he stood and placed a hand on Rimmy Tim's shoulder tenderly.

"Ryan please, the hostages are staring," Rimmy Tim whispered quietly to Ryan "Vagabond" Haywood so that the hostages couldn't hear his name, blushing slightly. Ryan chuckled and leaned closer.

"A lion does not concern himself with the opinions of sheep Jeremy," he whispered back using Rimmy's real name. The two shared a smile before Ryan pulled away.

"I'll be back soon dear, try not to have too much fun up here without me," he said aloud and smiled. Even though he wore the mask Jeremy knew that Ryan was smiling, something about the way his icy blue eyes pinched up at the ends. Jeremy smiled back and shrugged as he reached down and slapped Ryan's ass.

"No promises buddy!" he said. The two laughed, which caused the hostages blood to run cold. Ryan ran after Geoff down the stairs and shot at a security guard that was aiming his pistol at Geoff's back. The Kingpen whirled around and saw the body falling to the floor.

"Nice shot Ryan!" he smiled his thanks, Ryan nodding as the two continued to make their way to the vault. With Ryan standing guard, Geoff went to work setting the charges, backing up around the corner and giving Ryan a fist bump as he detonated the charges. When the smoke cleared Geoff darted in and began filling another duffle bag he'd brought with him with money, Ryan following suit, the duo working quickly.

"Shit! Geoff we got pigs!" Michael's voice called through their comm earpieces, along with the sounds of sirens, gunfire and Jeremy's laughter. Geoff glanced at Ryan who smiled proudly.

"That's my Battle Buddy!" he said causing Geoff to roll his eyes.

"We're almost done here, hold em off for a few more minutes and then get the fuck out on my mark!" he ordered Michael.

"Got it boss," Michael called.

Gavin covered the hostages while Jeremy and Michael shot out the doors of the bank at the cops parked on the street, the LSPD who refused to return fire in case they hit one of the hostages.

"Like shooting fish in a barrel!" Jeremy laughed.

"And the best part, I'm getting WAY more kills than Gavin!" Michael laughed.

"Oi, just you wait you pleb! The heist isn't over yet!" Gavin whined from his spot.

"Yeah but this contest is!" Michael laughed as he put a bullet through the head of another cop who was dumb enough to stand up out of cover.

Rookies! Jeremy thought. That's when he noticed that one cop was hanging back from the main group.

That's strange, why would he be out there? Why is he holding that rocket launcher? Oh shit! That's a rocket launcher! he thought as he watched the cop load the weapon.

"Rockets!" he yelled as he slung his rifle over his shoulder and cartwheeled to the right, his old acrobatics training kicking in as he landed on his feet and immediately sprang into a back handspring with the momentum, pulling his pistol out of its holster as he backflipped and took a shot at one of the cops and landing the shot perfectly before landing and putting as much distance between himself and the bank entrance. Michael darted to the left and dove behind some cover just as the explosion rocked the front of the building, sending dust and chunks of concrete flying everywhere, the hostages screaming and diving for cover.

Gavin squawked and dove behind the front desk as another rocket hit, closer this time, blowing the doors into the building; hostages screaming and scrambling to get out of the way. The force of the second rocket exploding sent Jeremy sprawling to the floor, the shorter man rolling to the side just as a heavy piece of concrete landed where his head had just been. Peeking over the edge of the desk, Gavin saw the LSPD moving in.

"Guys we've got incoming!" he shouted as he leveled his golden gun and started dropping cops left and right. Michael not one to be outdone, especially by the Brit, raised himself to a knee and also started firing.

"Fuck you popo!" he shouted. Jeremy stood and pulled the pin from a grenade and tossed it to the entrance where the cops were.

"Geoff we have a situation," he said into his comm.

"What kind of situation?" Geoff asked worriedly. The grenade exploded and Jeremy activated his comm again.

"That kind," he said. He heard Ryan giggling which made him smile and Geoff groan.

"Fine! We're done here, time to haul ass!" he said. Jeremy confirmed and darted over to Gavin, tapping him on the shoulder.

"Geoff says time to bug out bud," he said.

"But I haven't caught up to Micoo yet!" Gavin complained. Jeremy rolled his eyes.

"Have fun dealing with your fucking kill count while we leave your dumb ass behind then," he shrugged and vaulted the desk as Gavin let out an indignant squawk, firing several shots and landing each one, the cops dropping like flies.

"Michael time to pull out!" he called.

"That's what she said!" Michael grinned. Jeremy groaned and was about to make a snarky reply when he felt white hot pain rip through his thigh and then his left shoulder as bullets struck him. Crying out in pain Jeremy collapsed to the floor and rolled behind cover beside Michael to avoid any more shots.

"Mother fucker!" he shouted as he propped himself up with a groan.

"Lil' J!" Michael yelled and crouched to check on Jeremy.

"That fucking slut! How am I supposed to play Xbox now you son of a bitch?!" Jeremy groaned in anger, his Bostonian accent started to emerge, but managed a painful smile to show Michael he'd be okay.

"Geoff we need to go now! Jeremy's been hit!" Michael yelled into his comm as he stood over Jeremy and took out the fucker who'd shot him.

"Jeremy's been WHAT?!" Ryan shouted.

"Fucking calm down it's not too serious but he needs a medic, we just gotta get the hell out now!" Michael shouted back.

"Let's go!" Geoff called and Michael looked up to see the two gents emerging from the stairs, Ryan whipping out an RPG, his prized baby which he dubbed "Darci" for some god-forsaken reason, out of nowhere and took aim, sending a projectile streaking towards the cops. Bodies flew and blood went everywhere, clearing a way for the Fakes. Ryan immediately rushed to Jeremy who was clutching his leg and shoulder and gritting his teeth in pain. Without hesitation he scooped the smaller man up in his arms and rushed to the door, the others following close behind.

"Merry Christmas motherfuckers!" Michael cheered as he tossed two explosives behind him, one in the bank with the hostages and one as he passed the cop cars, detonating both.

"Was that really necessary boi?" Gavin asked smiling over at Michael.

"No witnesses Gavvers!" Michael yelled as he turned to fire at the remaining cops behind them.

"Jack we need evac now!" Geoff called into his comm as the group darted down an alley, Gavin and Michael covering their retreat and Ryan carrying both the duffle bag of money and a protesting Jeremy.

"On it Geoff!" Jack's voice replied.

"Hold on Jeremy we'll get you help! Hang in there baby!" Ryan said worriedly.

"For fucks sake Ryan I'm not dying I just got nicked!" Jeremy groaned out through gritted teeth. They came to a halt at the end of the alley as a limo screeched to a stop in front of them. The window rolled down and Jack Pattillo's bearded face appeared.

"Get in fuckers!" he yelled. The group dove in as Jack hit the gas and took off, weaving through the streets of Los Santos, Michael and Ryan dropping proxi mines out the windows to block their escape, all the while Jeremy groaning in pain as Geoff and Gavin did their best to keep him still and stop the bleeding.

They made it to one of their safe houses, Geoff calling ahead to B-Team to have medics standing by to meet them. Ryan didn't even wait for Jack to come to a complete stop but scooped Jeremy up and flew out the door, running quickly into the safehouse and taking Jeremy to the medics.

"We'll take him from here, you need to wait. We'll let you know when you can see him," Caleb said gently but firmly when Ryan tried to follow the group of medics as they wheeled Jeremy into another room. Ryan growled dangerously but Caleb was unphased, glaring into Ryan's eyes with zero fear.

"You want Jeremy to recover? Then stay out of the way and let us do our job! We won't let anything happen to him Ryan, I promise he'll be okay!" he said.

"He'd better be or so help me Caleb they'll never find your remains!" Ryan snarled.

"Noted," Caleb said and turned to follow his team. Ryan stood there for a minute suddenly feeling very helpless and scared. The adrenaline from the bank heist began to die down and Ryan felt himself start to tremble with worry. A hand fell on his shoulder suddenly and he looked to see Geoff standing there with a reassuring look on his face.

"Hey, he'll be okay. C'mon and sit down while you wait. I'll stay here with you," Geoff said softly and guided Ryan to a nearby table and sat him down in a chair, pulling one up beside him and sitting next to his friend.

Minutes passed into hours and Ryan grew increasingly worried and impatient, fidgeting and then eventually pacing. Geoff wouldn't allow him to leave though, kept telling him that everything would be okay, that Jeremy would be fine.

"I don't hire mediocre medics to take care of my Crew Ryan. I only trust the best of the best to take care of you idiots," he said. Ryan nodded miserably and hung his head, trying not to fall apart. Jeremy had to be okay! Geoff made him eat some pizza and drink some Diet Coke, making sure Ryan took care of himself. He remembered what Ryan was like after what happened to Ray, a ghost of who he'd once been and he didn't want to see the man go through that again. It had been a hard time on every member of the Crew, but it had hit Ryan the hardest, the man refusing to eat and barely sleeping.

Finally Caleb walked back in with a smile on his face and said that Jeremy was perfectly fine and that Ryan could go back to see him. Ryan offered Geoff a thankful look and then dashed off in the direction Caleb indicated. He slowed as he reached the room, walking into the room and up to the bed, taking off his mask and dropping it on a nearby chair as he did. Jeremy lay there, sitting up and waiting for him, a smile lighting up his face at the sight of Ryan.

"Rye Bread!" he said happily. That was the breaking point for Ryan. His eyes filled with tears as he fell to his knees next to Jeremy, slowly reaching out and grasping the lad's hand in both of his.

"I thought I was going to lose you. I couldn't lose my moon and stars," he said softly, face wrinkled in pain and tears fell down his cheeks, his face long since cleaned of the paint. Jeremy smiled and pulled Ryan over to sit on the bed beside him.

"I wasn't hurt that bad buddy, and Michael had me covered. And thanks to you I got here before I lost too much blood. I'm okay Ryan, I'm safe," he said gently. Ryan sobbed, leaning in and hugging him, pressing soft desperate kisses to the lad's head and face, tears rolling down his cheeks. Jeremy hugged him back and made soft comforting noises as he rubbed Ryan's back, holding him tightly.

"C'mere," he said after a minute and scooted over on the bed, patting the space for Ryan to lay down with him. Ryan hesitated but when Jeremy said he was okay again and gently coaxed him he got into the bed beside the lad and cuddled up next to him.

Jeremy wrapped his good arm around Ryan's shoulders and pulled him close, his injured arm he used to hold one of Ryan's hands, rubbing it soothingly with his thumb. Ryan lay his head against Jeremy's chest, grateful for the warmth of his body and the peaceful sound of the lad's heart beat as he trembled, every now and then he hiccuped.

"Hey, I'm not dying on you okay? We're the fucking Battle Buddies, we take care of each other," Jeremy said looking down at Ryan with a smile. The gent looked up and sniffled leaning up and kissing Jeremy.

"Battle Buddies, forever," he spoke their favorite saying as he began to calm down.

"Battle Buddies forever. I love you Rye Bread," Jeremy said and kissed the top of Ryan's head, giving him a little squeeze.

"I love you too Jer Bear," Ryan returned with his favorite nickname for Jeremy and buried his head against Jeremy's chest, hugging him tighter, almost afraid that if he let go he'd lose Jeremy forever.

"Hey, you wanna know something?" Jeremy asked. Ryan looked up, his beautiful icy blue eyes searching Jeremy's chestnut brown ones.

"Hmm?" he hummed.

"When I get better, we're gonna fuck for a week!" Jeremy said and waggled his eyebrows. Ryan laughed and hugged Jeremy again.

"Looking forward to it dear," he said as he leaned up and kissed Jeremy again. The lad returned the kiss before resting his cheek against the top of the gent's head. The two fell asleep like that, cuddled up to each other in a tight embrace, both thankful to have the other.

[bunnyandbirb]

Birb’s B-Movies #2: Pass Thru

Neil Breen is a truly visionary actor/producer/director/writer/editor, and the owner of Neil Breen Films, LLC. You may know him from his previous works, Double Down and I am Here….Now. My favorite masterpiece of his is undoubtedly Fateful Findings, the science fiction drama where Neil plays a magical hacker who exposes all “the most secret government and corporate secrets.”

In preparation for his upcoming film, Twisted (set to release in 2018), I decided to sit down and watch the one film that I’ve never seen: Pass Thru (2016) and trust me, this is a work of pure Breenius. The website for the movie describes the movie as such:

“Artificial Intelligence from far into the future arrives to immediately CLEANSE the human species of millions of humans who are harmful to other humans. A VISIONARY, REVOLUTIONARY FILM which pushes the human species to the limits of controversial, thought-provoking actions.”

I have to admit, this is probably the most confusing Breen movie I’ve seen to date (and that’s really saying something.) I honestly don’t even remember the names of any of the characters, but that hardly matters. It has a very similar message to his other films, which he makes sure to hammer into your head so that even if you don’t understand the plot, at least you end up with something. We’ll get into that near the end, though.

The movie starts with overly long mountain/desert landscape shots that were probably taken an hour away from his house, since he lives near Las Vegas. Then something strange happens.

There’s a rock with white paintings on it, and suddenly a giant ginseng root-looking “hand” comes out and delicately prods the paintings with a stick. It then cuts to a random tiger chilling on a cliff above, and then immediately cuts again to two pristine clocks by the rock with some shitty black smoke effect crawling across the screen.

I don’t even get a chance to try to comprehend what these things mean before another series of confusing imagery: walking legs, a girl in her room reading about space, some old man just sitting in the desert with magazines, and then Neil Breen himself, picking up what looks like trash from a party he threw the other night. A red dot appears in the sky, and finally we get our first real dialogue of the film.

It is at this time that I have the horrible realization that everyone in this movie has received thorough direction from Neil Breen on how to read lines off a script. Each syllable is robotically intonated, each word spoken unnaturally slowly and with an awkward pause… nothing anyone says in this movie sounds real. Breen was debatably the worst actor in Fateful Findings, and it seems like he tried really hard to get everyone on his level this time.

Three kids (names unknown) sit around in a room, and the boy has somehow found the red sky dot (which is apparently some kind of signal.) The two girls try to sound excited but somehow manage to sound even more apathetic as they raise their voices. The boy goes from “I’m following the signal!” to “I lost the signal” in literally one second, so I guess he just sucks.

The next few minutes of this movie are just pure chaos. Each scene is somehow too short and at the same time way too long, and the sequence that they’re placed in just makes zero sense whatsoever. Let me just run through them (keep in mind, these are in chronological order):

Neil Breen lies in a pile of his own filth in his trailer.

Neil Breen lies outside in the dirt while some faceless man with a gun pays him to clean up the evidence of a ‘smuggling site’ (i.e. Gatorade bottles and soup cans.)

Some “immigrants” (who just look like tourists) are led through a ravine

Neil Breen wakes up in the dirt with the garbage still around him, finds a dirty syringe and injects it into his arm. He then dies and we get this great special effect: 

The nameless boy calls one of the girls and then proceeds to have an entire conversation by himself. 

A random hand bleeds while it touches barbed wire.

I was confused enough at this point, but then I kept watching and realized that the entire movie is edited like this. Let it be known that I tried three times to write this post while reformatting the events of the story to make them more clear, but it was actually impossible. So instead of trying again, I’m just going to run through the four most hilarious parts of the movie. Honestly, you wouldn’t understand the plot even if I gave more information than this, so to hell with it.

1. The Great Immigration

One plotline involves a group of “immigrants” who are being herded along by human traffickers. The “immigrants” all act like a bunch of middle schoolers on a boring field trip (and are dressed similarly), and are constantly whining: “Where are we going?” “Why do we have to walk so far?” “Stop yelling at us.” The human smugglers in the movie are incredibly incompetent at both smuggling and acting, which makes every one of these scenes a pleasure to watch.

The traffickers filter through the immigrants, stopping a few who happen to be hiding plastic baggies (of what looks like cocaine) under their shirts.) One of them is a woman who is pretending to be pregnant, and is clearly not an actor because she can’t stop smiling in what (I’m assuming) is supposed to be a serious situation. They line up these baggies and start handing them out, designating who they’re going to: lawyers, bankers, “the CEO”, etc. Basically all the people Breen talks shit about in every movie he makes.

Their leader shoots some woman and a kid because she “has absolutely no VALUE for you two on the STREETS.” (Uh, lady, you’re in a desert.) Two of the women manage to escape, even as a man shoots at them at point blank range four times (and apparently misses each time.) Nobody bothers to go after them. The rest of the immigrants are “trapped” in a truck and they all freak out because they clearly cannot escape:

2. Neil Breen cleaning up his house

The two women that escaped from the traffickers stumble into Neil Breen’s trailer, and he invites them to stay with him. For some reason, the women yell everything they say even when they’re standing right next to each other. Also, they vehemently don’t want to stay with him - can’t blame them, really.

In order to convince them to stay, Breen insists that he will “clean it” for them. No words can explain the beauty of this scene, so I have to just show you the clip:

3. Neil Breen “isn’t that corrupt”

Coming to the end of the movie, it’s revealed that Breen is actually an alien artificial intelligence (who has a name, but hell if I remember that much). His mission is to just kill all the humans that he doesn’t like. Okay, he actually said those who “cause harm to other humans,” but isn’t that technically every living human? Whatever, I will not question our lord and savior Neil Breen.

Breen teleports into mansions and inserts himself into conversations with the people that he shit talks all the time (i.e. lawyers, Big Pharma, government officials, bankers, etc. etc.) and just makes everything awkward.

Here’s a transcript of an actual conversation:

A: “I know senior, national elected government officials who I can force my political... *insert pause where she forgets her lines*... bias and influence on fellow politicians to vote my way, for a payoff of course.”

Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”

Everyone: …….

[Breen looks away as everyone else stares at him.]

B: “I know companies that can hack into any government national agency or corporate facility. For the right price, you can get any information that you want. And they don’t need to know why or your reason. These places are so vulnerable and unprotected, and there is no way they can keep up with the technology.”

Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”

Everyone: ……..

This same exact conversation repeats itself until Breen decides to leave, and then the people are like, “Who the fuck was that guy?”

Breen teleports in front of the mansion, fades out of his tuxedo and into his regular janitor clothes, and then waddles away as shitty explosion effects happen in the background.

“If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth,” he says. I’m pretty sure those were not ‘truth explosions,’ but you do you, Neil.

4. The Newsroom and Neil Breen

After that shitshow, Neil decides to make his big move by appearing on some news channel to make his traditional monologue. Throughout the movie, the news anchors have been reporting some very interesting news. Serious criminals, lawyers, bank management, and even accountants have mysteriously vanished overnight.  According to one of the hosts, “It’s as if all the harmful people on Earth are disappearing.” Oh, he also mentioned that “Ignorant reality shows about families, housewives, groups, individuals… those casts are all gone.” So I guess Breen is now lumping the Kardashians with corrupt government officials on his ‘Evil People’ list.”

Neil shows up uninvited onto the news broadcast, and the hosts rightfully call out for security guards. Breen fires back with, “You won’t need security. You’re gone.”

And so they are:

I won’t even try to recount all of the nonsense the Neil says in his speech, but here are the some select quotes:

“I am not of this Earth. I am artificial intelligence from FAR into the future.”

“Human evolution has ended, and there can be no further advancement.”

“I have eliminated 300 million humans from the planet today”

“Violate laws and regulations”

Breen also really loves listing things, as can be witnessed in this single speech.

Neil Breen lists the things he hates (in order within the speech):

Illegal wars

The abuse of the media systems

Films

TV

Radio

The Internet

Violence

Corruption

Political correctness

Fear of the truth

Excuses

Second chances

Third chances

Warnings

Sympathy

Cheats

Thieves

Criminals

Abusers

Corrupters

Dishonest humans

Abusers of:

Other humans

The planet

The environment

Children & animals

Violence

Corruption

Corporate corruption

Failed political systems

Failed judicial systems

Failed educational systems

Failed environmental systems

There are a lot of other hilarious things in this movie aside from these moments.

 Like seriously, what the hell is this:

But I won’t get into any more of the gems from this film, because this has already gone on long enough. Watch it yourself to experience them all.

I’ll be looking forward to Twisted, Neil!

~Stay tuned for nonsense~

- birb