#she's very right. also my brain cannot handle more than 2. 1 is standard 2 is pushing and 3 is just hamster wheel bs

[cowsaresushi-coral]

Also, MindHack’s chonky demo is coming out in a week, and I’m very excited for that! Ultrakill I gotta do some things for gamewise, but thinking about maybe refreshing that other brainrot I had a while back.

MORE MINDHACK. MORE BRAINROT. I MISS MY LITTLE SCRUMPLY DOCTOR MAN. I WANNA DO A PRETTY RENDER OF MY INTERP OF HIM AND ALSO WRITE FICS AND ANIMATICS OOGABOOGA.

I’ve also been thinking about Krauser from Resident Evil 4, specifically the remake version. Not because I know anything about RE4. It’s because I follow someone on twitter and now THEY have brainrot and I wake up every morning to my dash filled with the fucking dump truck that is his ass (amongst other things). Cool chr, my interpretation of him is almost definitely incredibly wrong because I know jackshit about him. I will continue to know nothing until maybe some time in the far future. I like his funny little hat and face.

[darklingichor]

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell *Major Spoilers*

I wrote a little about this book last month, but I want to write more. This is one of those books that has been lingering in my brain so what follows will be long and rambling.

Now, I haven't read Fangirl I've been pulled more toward action adventure and humor in my fiction, for a while now. Hmm, I wonder what could have happened a few years back  that would cause a Pacific Northwest liberal to feel the need for escape? Just one of those things, I suppose.

I need to read it, if only because I wrote Harry Potter fanfic for years and sort of lost myself in it right after high school.

Anyway.

I've heard people calling Carry On an HP knock off. I don't get this. Simon Snow is obviously Fangirl's Harry Potter. That makes Carry On more of a tongue in cheek homage to HP and stories like it as well as something of a love letter to fanfic writers.

A lot of the main characters start out as your standard for this type of story. "The Hero", "The Mentor", "The Damsel", "The Enemy", "The Unspeakable Evil."

Through the book it becomes clear that our hero is well meaning but ill-suited for the role that his mentor thinks he place him in. The mentor is shown to be unhinged. The damsel is sick of screaming and doesn't want to be in the story at all. The enemy is love sick for the hero and dealing with the puberty from hell. The unspeakable evil, isn't. Its just an unforeseen byproduct of the mentor's plan, in which, the hero, is a pawn.

The book plays with archetypes and I read some of them as being fairly meta about their expected place in the story.

Agetha, especially, seems to know her role and resent it. She's who is saved by the hero, whether she likes it or not.

Baz is so certain of his role as "The Enemy" that until his role flips, he's sure his destiny is to be killed by the person he's in love with.

Simon knows his role so well, he's on auto pilot as a defence mechanism. He's either going to die, or he'll get a stock Happily Ever After. He doesn't even allow himself to think too much about what really matters to him, because he knows his life isn't really his.

I would have loved this book because of everything I wrote above, but add to it the nods to fan contribution? It was enough to make me remember my old ff.n login!

I don't know if Rainbow Rowell researched fan fiction but I figure she must have.

I mean, the things I saw played with and reshaped in Carry On, are fanfic tropes. Rowell took things that grew out of fans having fun with their favorite characters and made them canon.

Main character going out with an exchange student, pop culture references, evil good guy, and:

Four words: Draco is a vampire.

Sure, not every fic that used these were the best, but so what? Many were sincere.

What better way to go to Hogwarts as a person raised outside the UK than to live though an OC in an exchange program?

It was weird that no one in the wizard world listened to muggle music, watched movies or TV. Even the muggleborns? I'm sorry, but I was in the same age range as the characters. In fact, if Harry were real, he would be three years older than me. You can't convince me that there were not at least a couple of muggleborns who were  sending an owl a week to remind their parents to tape Friends or My So-Called Life.

There were a fair few stories where Dumbledore or even Harry turned out to be evil. Even before we found out Dumbledore wasn't a saint. It can be fun to play with expectations and Dumbledore was too perfect for too long.

The vampire thing? I mean, why not? Either Draco or Snape. It fits enough for a fic, and you can get some fun stuff out of it. Besides Hogwarts allowed a warewolf, why not a vampire?

The point is, this book reminds me of some goofy fics I read but also reminds me of some that I sometimes have to remind myself aren't canon, because fan fiction can be amazing.

Example: It has been years but I still remember a great fic that someone wrote about Uric The Oddball's years at Hogwarts. I don't remember much about it off hand but I do know that if I re-read HP, when Uric is mentioned, I think of this story like it is something that is actually in the history of the series. (Dude, I googled "Uric the Oddball fan fiction" on a whim. Popped right up: Uric the Oddball and the Wild Hunt by Ariana Deralte. Guess I shouldn't be surprised! Maybe I should read it again to see if it's still as good as I remember).

So yeah, Carry On is so not an HP knock off and has a number of things that I think make me like it more.

The first one is diversity. It is very nice to have it explicitly said in the text that characters are of different ethnicities, sexualities, and abilities. Watford is a far better representation of a population than Hogwarts is, outside of fanfic (It wasn't there, people wrote it in).

Then there is magic itself, it comes from somewhere it's in the environment, it has to do with celestial alignment, people give words power to channel that energy.

That brings me to something that made me adore the world building here.

The actuality of Simon Snow's universe is that Mages cannot exist independently without the Normals. Without the Normals giving weight and meaning to turns of phrase, rhyme and songs, the Mages couldn't do what they do. Add to that, this means that magic is ever evolving and the Mages must learn about and be a part of, to some extent, the Normal world. This makes Mages who look down on Normals seem even more ridiculous.

I also think this book handled romance better than Harry Potter. I don't know what it was but the relationships seemed awkward and strained in HP. Maybe it was because most of it was shoved into one book, like Hogwarts's water supply was spiked with hormones? I don't know.

What I do know is that even though Simon and Agetha are going through the motions of being together in this book, they still feel like two people who have been dating for a long time.

We don't get a lot about Penny and her boyfriend, but the way she is described talking about him reminds me of how my best friend would talk about her boyfriends when she was visiting me. The way she would go on, you'd think that he was on the moon instead of 90 miles away. I bought that Penny and her boyfriend enjoy each other's company.

And the biggie. Simon and Baz

I almost didn't read this book for two reasons. First: Vampire main character. I love vampires, but I lived through the deluge of Twilight, True Blood, and Vampire Diaries, not to mention that every other book seemed to be about vampires. Even though I didn't watch or read all of them, I just got vampired out.

Second: I have never been one for the whole "enemies to love interest" thing. The Harry/Draco pairing never spoke to me.  Not that I never read fics that managed that ship well, it was just not my favorite, probably because I just never liked Draco.  I tend to prefer romances that are built on friendship (Remus and Sirius dated each other at some point, and nothing can convince me otherwise).

All that being said, I like the Simon/Baz pairing.

I like that Baz freely admits to the reader that a lot of his tormenting of Simon is pigtail pulling.

I like that Simon is more or less: "I like a guy? A guy who was my nemisis? That's new, let's go for it."

There's none of that "Hate turns to love" shit that I personally can't stand.  None of the "I am evil, yet his light draws me" or "His darkness is so seductive"

Baz isn't a villain needing to rethink his position. He's a slightly snobby guy with a lot of family pressure, who is in love with a dude who has been set up as opposition, by the adults in his life.

Simon isn't a good guy wanting to be bad. He's a guy who is following the path set out for him without giving context to his feelings with thought, because he doesn't think. So, when Baz doesn't show up at the first of the year, Simon knows 3 things for sure:

Baz is his enemy

His enemy is not there

He feels very uneasy about it.

Why?

See numbers 1 & 2

This equals out to "plotting" in Simon's mind because that's what enemies do.

It doesn't dawn on him that he was actually missing Baz and that he has romantic feelings for him until later

I also like the interaction between them. Again, I buy that they like each other. The simpler moments, like sharing food, or being flirty. It also makes sense that Baz is so nervous and guarded about the relationship. It fits that they would bicker and argue while trying to figure every thing out.

The relationships feel authentic.

In fact all of the relationships between  the characters feel authentic.  The sibling relationships between Ebb and Nicky, I know siblings that close. The interaction between Baz and his little sister, I know people like them too. The Friendships; in my opinion, too few friends in fiction are depicted messing with each other or being lovingly annoyed by each other.

I've known my two best friends most of my life. Not a day goes by where one of us doesn't say something that if it was said by anyone else, it would lead to a fight. Said by us, it's funny, or at least something we can't argue with.

So I related when Baz's friend complained that he had wasted his childhood hating Simon now that Simon and Baz were no longer enemies and Baz said: "What else were you going to do with your childhood?"

I spent my 20's with my friends seemingly taking turns crashing at my apartment. I spent most of my time ossulating between wishing they would go home and being glad they were there.

So at the beginning of the book, when Penny won't leave Simon's room? I saw myself in the way Simon felt about it.

That authentic and relatable quality was what I really liked about the quiet - if not Happily Ever After - then the Attempting Normal For Now ending each character got.

Well, as normal as you can get with a story involving  mages, vampires and powerful Elton John songs.

I am a dodecahedron of geekdom, btw and the classic rock side jumped up and down clapping hands at all of the music references (and giggled when Carry On was fallowed by Wayward Son which will be followed by Anyway The Wind Blows). 

And now we come to the reason I have not read the sequel even though it is sitting in a bag with the rest of this year's Powell's haul.

From what I have read, Wayward Son is, at least in part, about what happens after Happily Ever After and ends on a cliffhanger. 

After Happily Ever After with a cliffhanger and no release date... Yeah, that will drive me crazy. I haven't even read the second book and I'm already thinking about the third. Aw man! Who dies? Who breaks up? Who becomes evil?

So, even though road trip stories are right up there with time travel stories as one of my favorites, even though I love the idea of showing a character battling depression, even though I love these characters, period; Wayward Son will stay unread until I run out of new books to read, or the next book's release date is close. Whichever comes first, because I want to think of the characters in their quiet ending ending for a little while.

[thedistantstorm]

Lightweight (part 1 of  2)

Zavala x Hawthorne (Steelponcho)

Here have some Drunkvala (it is the weekend, after all).

Mildly nsfw, nothing actually graphic, but there’s a couple f-bombs and some handsy Zavala.

As with all drunken escapades, there will be an aftermath part in a few days. Because why not.

“I’m taking you home, Commander Drunkypants.”

“Wait. He’s drunk. Why is he drunk?”

The bar was rowdy and smelled of cheap beer and sweat. Suraya was really looking forward to going home to her little flat and getting a decent night of sleep, not answering seventy messages (collectively) from Cayde and Shaxx with an in-person visit.

“This moron started recalling the good ol’ days,” Shaxx motioned to Cayde who had the wherewithal to look scandalized as he sipped at his drink. “The next thing I know, Zavala’s putting away pints like he’s a different man and chatting up the Kinderguardians. He knows he doesn’t handle his alcohol well. I don’t pretend to understand why he did this.”

“Yeah,” Cayde said with a shrug. “And I didn’t even say anything bad. I jus’ heckled him for being old. I always do that, and I’m probably older than he is.” He held his hands out in a ‘plausible deniability’ stance.

The civilian huntress allowed her eyes to roll. “Okay. So why am I the one collecting him? You two seem to have a handle on the situation.”

“We are not babysitters, dear Suraya,” Shaxx bellows.

Her nostrils flare, and Cayde moves away instinctively. “Do I look like a babysitter? I’ve been running strikes since before dawn. The only thing I look like right now is tired.”

Both men shake their heads, clearly valuing their lives - even though they’re kind of expendable. “It-it’s not that you look like a babysitter,” Cayde says. “But you’re kind of our best chance to get him out of here before he gets too annihilated.”

“Oh?”

“There are several stages to the Zavala drunkenness spectrum,” Shaxx imparts to her, lowering his volume to the average human’s yell (it’s quiet for him). “First, he complains about drinking. Second, he drinks quickly and says he doesn’t actually hate drinking. Third, he becomes talkative. Fourth, handsy. Fifth, ho-”

“Okay, okay. Let’s pretend I buy this. What stage are we on?”

“We’re moving into handsy. He’s clapped at least seven new Titans on the back in the last twenty minutes,” Cayde supplies cheerfully. “We need him out of here before he becomes a puddle of needy goo, because stage six is the clingy-slash-depressed stage, and it only gets worse from there.”

“So dump it on Hawthorne, eh?”

“In the talkative phase,” Cayde says, grin on his face, “He might have mentioned how he really enjoyed working with you. A lot. And on repeat.”

“So?”

Shaxx wraps an arm around her. He smells like ale. “So, that means either he’s fucking you, or he would very much like to.”

“How much have you two been drinking?” She wears her defensiveness like armor and it shows.

“Not enough to miss that blush,” Cayde snaps back with a smirk. He pushes her away from them and in the direction of the Titan on the other side of the bar chatting with his subordinates. “Go get the good Commander, and take him home. Pretty sure he’ll let you have your way with him.”

She shakes her head. “When he’s sober, I’m going to tell him you suggested I take advantage of him.”

“Like that'll surprise him. Just get him out of here before we’re stuck listening to him mope. It’s literally always about work and we’re here to get shitfaced.”

“You two owe me,” She says as Shaxx bellows something in the affirmative to Cayde’s shitfaced comment. The two clink glasses and chug. The bartender shakes his head and mutters something about how it ‘always starts like this and the next thing you know there’s Golden Guns and Fists of Havoc everywhere.’

Hawthorne crosses the bar easily, it’s busy but not quite standing room only. The majority of the Titans are packed into one corner, all of them still in armor - of course - and she easily spots his sparking white, red, and silver, gear even in the dim light.

“Evening, Guardians,” She calls cheerfully, leaning between Zavala and the female Titan beside him to take the half-empty mug from in front of him. “Having fun?” He looks up at her, and she can see the how small his pupils are. He smells like booze as well, but it’s not nearly as overwhelming as it is on Shaxx. She knows Zavala’s a lightweight; he’s told her himself.

The table roars mightily as she manages to drink down the remainder of his drink in one go. Half of them are playing cards, the other half are engaging the Commander in riveting tales of Titan prowess. He seems to be enjoying himself.

“I need to borrow you for a minute,” She says to him, when the group is laughing at a new Guardian’s clumsiness. He places a hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

“We’re in the middle of something,” He says, and it’s supposed to be a whisper but it comes out loudly. “This is a good story.”

She sighs. Waits a few more minutes, tries again. Similar result. Now he’s yelling amidst the stories about how in his hayday, he’d done things four times as impressive. It was becoming the standard Titan pissing contest. Enough was enough.

Finally, she sighs, and leans down to whisper in his ear. “Commander, you are going to get up and leave with me now. That’s an order.” She makes sure she speaks quietly enough for only him to hear. The result is that her lips and teeth are ghosting over the shell of his ear. She is absolutely not trying to rile him up, but the effect is immediate. He immediately excuses himself, standing quickly and with the slightest of staggers. It takes him a second to make his goodbyes.

She realizes, with only mild irritation that she's going to have to lead him on if she's going to get him out of here - and more importantly make it to bed - sometime tonight. She’s halfway across the bar, and when she turns to make sure he’s following, she gives him the come hither motion to make him pick up the pace.

The peanut gallery immediately starts catcalling, and Suraya flips both of them the the middle finger when Shaxx yells, “YESSSS, Guardian. Get it!” The call even comes with a fistpump.

She literally cannot go out to bars in this city because she'd get arrested for murder. But really, they’re so lucky he’s drunk, because she's pretty sure sober-Zavala would literally rip Shaxx’s entrails out through his nostrils if the Crucible handler said this to sober-him in public. Drunk-Zavala has tunnel vision though, so they're safe. For now.

She is going to be so loud tomorrow morning. Those two deserve to suffer.

They’re barely out into the street and he’s nudging her into an alley, pressing himself against her with no self control. “Okay, okay, I got it. You’re into me,” She says, when he’s kneading her ass with his palms, and mouthing at her chest through her shirt. She won’t deny that it’s attractive (like, really, really fucking hot, her brain corrects), but he’s so bombed. She’s got to get him back home pronto. She has not been drinking - that half pint was for show and she's not a lightweight unlike some Titan she knows - so sex in an alley isn't really on her to do list tonight.

“My place is closer,” She offers, not that he’s ever spent the night there before. The only nights they've spent together have been on work projects. No sleeping or cuddling. Hell, she's kissed him like three times? She hopes it’s as clean as she remembers. Actually, she doesn't care. This is all ridiculously inconvenient. He'll have to make due.

He's all but bucking against her, and she can admit that it makes her feel so powerful and desired that her exhausted post-work look can make him come undone. But really, the voice of reason says, she'd prefer this sober. She's also relatively certain that if any part of his brain chooses to recall this, he's going to be mortified.

“Zavala.”

He draws back at once, in a brief moment of clarity. She smiles crookedly up at him, slipping out from where she's been pinned to the wall. “C'mon, let's get out of here.” Her fingers curl around his wrist and she pulls him back into the road.

“Suraya-” It’s practically a whine. Traveler help her, maybe she could have sex in this alley. No. Stay on track, Suraya, she coaches herself. No sex in the alley. No sex at all, no matter how much either of them want it. He’s DRUNK. Not tipsy. Plastered. Shitfaced. Annihilated. She has to turn away from him to compose herself. She cannot even.

“I'm taking you home, Commander Drunkypants.”

He scoffs. “Drunkypants?” His eyes narrow, and she has to hold back her laugh or he’ll likely become belligerent. “I’m insulted.”

“No, you’re drunk.” She continues pulling him along. He’s protesting and she’s absolutely not strong enough to pull his dead weight across the city, especially with full armor on. “Can we please keep moving? I’ll promise not to call you drunkypants if you keep moving.”

“You c’n do better than that,” He says, just the slightest of slurs in his voice. She curses under her breath. Her flat isn’t far, maybe another fifteen minutes away. She’s got to get him there before he completely falls apart. Getting him to his own apartment would be career suicide for them both.

“I can, but you’re not giving me much to work with,” She taunts, even though he has absolutely tipped his entire hand. She’s got to motivate this man to get a move on and pronto. She puts her hands on her hips and juts them to the right. His eyes immediately follow. That horny bastard, she thinks. Maybe she can use this to her advantage. “Will a kiss motivate you, Guardian?” She does her best to purr it all sultry-like, but she’s not claiming to be a siren.

Not that it matters, because he’s practically keening and she’s pretty sure there’s no blood left in that bald head of his because it’s all run south. Traveler, is he easy. Alright, she tells herself, you’re doing great. Just kiss him and keep promising him more and hope he doesn’t puke on you when this all catches up with him.

Because it’s going to catch up with him. He’s stumbling, even with her grip on his wrist.

She crosses the distance between them and gives him a very riveting display of affection. Tongue, teeth, the whole shebang. He moans appreciatively and tries to circle his arms around her, but she grabs his other wrist and manages to hold him off. She pulls away from him and smirks.

“If you want more from where that came from, you’ll probably want to get me home.” She mentally crosses her fingers, since hers are preventing him from hauling her over his shoulder and giving in to both of their desire.

Seeing a man intoxicated should not make her feel so horny, but she really doesn’t have it in her to feel ashamed. She is going out of her way for him right now, she’s tired, and she’s really wanted him for months now. And it isn’t like she’s going to act on it - not now - but she absolutely plans to the second they’re both alone and sober. If this isn’t confirmation, nothing will be.

He takes the bait, almost dragging her forward. One track minded, she thinks, those Titan flaws are a doozy. “You might want to slow down,” She says softly, when he keeps marching towards the Tower. “There’s a quicker way to my flat if we go left here.”

She sees the change when he quickly redirects himself. She thinks for a second that he’s going down, but he corrects at the last second, instinct kicking in. Thank the Traveler. No more hand-holdy crap. She slows, ducking under his right arm, so that she can keep him walking straight and upright. He leans against her, hard.

“You’re heavy,” She says, looking over at him. “If you stop moving I’m gonna leave you in the street.”

“You wouldn’t.” His blue eyes are wide, and for someone so much older than her, he looks so devastatingly young in this moment.

“Try me.”

“I’m moving,” He says, though it’s a bit garbled. “H’w much long’r til your home?”

“Soon,” She says, and leads them to a staircase with beautiful Morrocan scrolling going up and around the archway, her arm slung tightly across his waist, slipping between plates of armor. “We’re almost there.”

It’s not the stairs that do him in, it’s the elevator that does. She’s important, and this particular building is built into the side of the Tower’s Bazaar, so naturally she’s closer to the top. The two minute ride forces him to stay still, and she can see him swaying. His eyes are closed.

She feels simultaneously like he deserves this and also like he’s precious and innocent and needs to be sheltered from the world. She hates that she’s so soft sometimes.The elevator dings and he doesn’t move. She stands blocking the door so that it doesn’t trap him in there. “You with me, soldier?”

He blinks open an eye and stumbles forward. She manages to catch him well enough, but he groans and mumbles something she can’t understand and she knows it’s all over. “Just a little further, okay?” She coaches him quietly, running a hand over his scalp. “You’re doing great.”

He leans into the touch, and she manages to haul him from the lift before it makes offensive noises because they’ve taken too long to get out. They’ve just got to make it to her door and it will all be-

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

Fuck.

By some great miracle, she manages to get him both insider her flat and it’s bathroom before he starts revisiting the amount of ale he’s consumed this evening. She leaves him to it and returns to her front door - she’d left it open in her haste to get him into the apartment before the neighbers are exposed to the the solar system’s biggest lightweight.

She winces when he hiccups and heaves again, after several moments of shallow, heavy breathing. She gets him a glass of water and definitely some painkillers - she’s guessing here, but there’s definitely no chance his ghost is going to heal him for being a drunken idiot. She’s only met her a handful of times, but she is a serious, motherly partner who definitely takes no pity on fools.

Suraya goes into a closet and pulls out the softest flannel she can find, wetting it with lukewarm water in her kitchen before braving the trip to her bathroom. He’s braced over the toilet and it’s a tight fit, considering he never made it out of his armor,  but he’s making due. She puts a hand on his back, pushing hard enough that he can feel it through the metal plating.

“How ya holding up?”

He groans.

She knees beside him and presses the cool, damp cloth against his forehead. “This was definitely not one of your smarter ideas.” He leans into her, and she braces herself to accept the whole of his weight because it comes. There’s no sound but harsh breathing for a few moments, before he begins to vomit again, and she stays put, rubbing his back as he dregs up what’s left. By the time he’s finished, he’s dry heaving, and she’s pretty certain there’s nothing left to throw up. He’s mumbling as he does, and she has to tip her ear closer to him to hear the litany of apologies to her and self-deprecating comments.

“I’m sorry,” He manages to say, a bit more coherently, but she shushes him with gentle fingers trailing down his temple.

“Think you got it all out of your system?”

He nods, barely.

“Okay. Lean on me. If you didn’t have the spins before, you definitely have them now.” It’s true, he does. There’s a split second in which she thinks they’re going to crack their heads against the wall of the shower stall, but they make it out and into her bedroom with only moderate difficulty.

He’s too far gone to look around at the minimalist offerings of the woman’s private rooms, the desk covered with maps in the corner, the white-wood dressers and pale blue and gray walls, or the perch with a sleeping falcon atop it beside the open window. She manages to get him into a sitting position on the edge of the bed, feeding him two tablets and addressing him as a child when she tells him to only sip the water. He slurs something about knowing how to do this, but she ignores him, in lieu of sliding her fingers under the clasps of his armor.

“Suraya?” He whispers, as she manages to undo the clasps on both sides of his rib cage.

She kneels down in front of him, regarding him with amber eyes.

He reaches for her face and it’s a sad effort since his eyes are closed. He gets there eventually. “Thank you f’r taking care of me.”

She laughs, but it’s affectionate. “Of course, you big lug. I’ve got your back.” She tips his head to rest against her stomach as she stands, intent on removing his armor so he can rest easy. “Always.”

-/

When he wakes, it’s to a room that’s bright and unfamiliar. He scrubs a hand over his face and bites back a curse at the hollow pounding in his head. What in the Traveler’s name had he been thinking?

The telltale echo of his ghost his head is something like “you weren’t, that’s what,” and she did it purposely, because it always made his headache worse when he was hungover.

He looks over through squinted eyes to see armor stacked neatly on the floor. It isn’t stacked how he would have done it, so someone else did it. But the last thing he remembers, he was drinking with the new recruits and…

There’s a quiet, shrill call from across the room, complete with the slightest beating of wings. “Louis?”

Well, hell. He stares down at himself. He’s clearly in undergarments, and if that’s Louis - how many other falcons does he know - then he’s spent the night with Suraya Hawthorne, and he doesn’t remember any of it. Headache forgotten in his absolute panic - sleeping with coworkers, specifically coworkers for which he has feelings that are deeper than lust’s casual trysts - he looks over to find the other half of the bed empty.

But it looks slept in.

This is a nightmare.

His Ghost blinks into view with a flurry of apathetic light and volume. “As it would seem, you’re late for your second task of the day. The first, you’ve missed in its entirety.” She moves closer to him with a whirl and twitch of her shell and her voice is cheerfully booming. He feels like he’s talking to a female version of Shaxx right now. “I suggested that Suraya leave you to the wolves, as you did absolutely wreck her bathroom with your inability to vomit into her toilet. She, however, took your meeting with Dead Orbit and is on her way to meet Cayde for strike duty now. I presume that’s because she would like to murder Cayde for dragging her out to pick you up last night, and heckling you both when you left together. We should really go watch. Sundance already informed me that he’s worse off than you right now, I asked her to record it for personal reasons.”

“Did you always talk this much?” He asks his partner with a tired grumble while he tries to figure out if he’s actually slept with her or not. He was pretty drunk, so hopefully not. It would only complicate things that are… already complicated.

She laughs. “Ha, ha. Someone has to remind you that what you did is stupid. Hawthorne is spoiling you. You fell asleep before she could even remove your codpiece, not that she’ll ever tell you the details. I took pity on her and transmatted it for you. You owe me.”

He blushes, harder than he can recall. Ever. Traveler take him.

“You enjoy this,” He growls at her and she laughs until he swipes at her, at which point she dissolves into motes of light. Louis trills a low, understanding cry, and Zavala looks at him. “Tell me about it. I’m never drinking again.”

[terresdebrume]

Spin Control reread: 2. Arena Talk With Flickerman

Aaand we’re back for chapter two! I’ve slept four hours ish last night (and it’s now half past 9pm) so please forgive any typo or weirdness the spellchecker doesn’t take care of ^^’ @trovia​, @princess-nell​, this is your call before we start :3

Also, the way I did this chapter is a little different from the others. For the prologue and chapter 1, I wrote my comments down as I read through the story but in this case I read the full chapter first and I’m going back on it now, for the simple reason that I was as confused as Finnick about the turn of events.

See, this chapter starts on the evening of Haymitch’s very public overdose, as Finnick gets ‘invited’ to participate in a talk show where Haymitch and his alcoholism are very obviously going to be the center of attention. Finnick is kind of confused as to why he’d be invited except for looking pretty ‘while other people [use] the big words’. It took me until the end of the chapter to realize it but actually, yeah, I’m pretty sure being pretty is exactly what Finnick was called for.

Because the other guests on that talk show?

Mags, an eighty-ish years old woman whose refusal to upgrade her prosthetics is already making it harder for people to understand her.

Chaff, a nearing-fifty alcoholic with a stump and a rather caustic attitude

Terence from District 6 who looks closer to Mag’s age than his actual sixty years and has a morphling addiction problem.

In other words, Caesar Flickerman now has to host a program with three walking reminders that life doesn’t stay pretty forever or for everyone (after all, you can make an argument that Mags is just old, but there’s no way you can pretend like Chaff and Terence’s lack of compliance with Capitol beauty standards aren’t linked to their games, even if most of your population is eager to pretend it is). That’s already three reminders too many for a government trying to normalize and glamourize the Hunger Games until its victims have to say thanks for being sent to the slaughterhouse and punished for it afterward. So what do you do? You throw your local sex-on-legs eye-candy in there so people have something nice to look at while other people discuss the utter mess that is Haymitch’s life. It’s brutal packaging is what it is, down to Finnick’s clothes actually:

After a remake session with Cherry, his stylist, and her team, [Finnick] was trying to get comfortable in his chair despite the excuse for a pair of pants he wore, while the studio lights burned down on him and Flickerman discussed Haymitch Abernathy’s alcoholism, which was still a disease.

Also I have to say I like that this sentence starts with Finnick’s discomfort with an outfit clearly meant for the audience more than for him, and ends with a reminder to himself that Haymitch isn’t completely lost yet. It’s like he glances at his own predicament and trauma then subconsciously steers himself back to the more pressing issue. It’s both a touching sow of solidarity and care toward Haymitch and a heartbreaking dismissal of himself...which, in turn, is an excellent and subtle reminder that it isn’t like Finnick lives in a world that will ever allow him to heal anyway.

Oh, and:

Finnick tried to avoid looking at Terence’s long sleeves, such an uncommon styling choice in a boiling hot television studio, covering up puncture wounds of Morphling needles. Before the show, Finnick had walked in on him shooting himself up in the men’s room. As far as he knew, Terence had never once sobered up since he’d won the 26th Games with a knife and a garrote.

Just in case there was any doubt left that the Capitol (specifically president Snow, but also many people who do not use their brains so they don’t have to come to accurate conclusions) cares more about the Victors’ use as narrative devices than as persons. Not that the people reading SC would have any doubt about that (or at least, they wouldn’t survive very long) but it’s still a good reminder to get. And boy do we get some more.

Chaff took control of the conversation without prompting and did what needed doing on the victors’ end to keep Haymitch alive, swiftly building on the news coverage by weaving a story of loneliness and fame and social responsibility, a term Finnick hadn’t been aware the Capitol actually ever used for anything.

You know, I said in my prologue post that Haymitch’s friends didn’t fully realize what situation he was in and I stand by that, but just because they didn’t realize doesn’t mean they didn’t care. Chaff is putting himself on the line here, subtle as it may be. Also the fic may be in Finnick’s pov, which means one of the more perceptive Victors is our guide here, but that doesn’t take away from the others’ ability to observe and/or toe the line when needed I mean:

“Well yeah, all the signs were there for me to see though and I didn’t, right?” Chaff replied. “All the signs were there, but I didn’t want to see. I didn’t realize how hard it must be for Haymitch, only victor of Twelve and all and always the only mentor for the two tributes, too. He never gets to sleep properly during the Games until they’re both out, did you know that? Probably used the alcohol to stay awake.”

After delivering that last statement with a sorrowful face as if it actually had made any sense, he paused.

Of course Chaff’s statement doesn’t make any sense: it starts with the truth and ends with a Capitol-PR-ready, ‘but of course he was only trying to serve you’ when Haymitch’s entire life at this point is basically the most long-term suicide attempt ever seen. It’s lucky Chaff isn’t the only one who cares and the others pick up the thread before it can start to unravel:

“The public often underestimates how stressful the life of a victor can become,” [Mags] said […]. “It is especially hard for victors if they are supposed to be performing as mentor but failing. It is a great honor to be a mentor, victors are always anxious to succeed. It can be too much, honestly. I have seen this playing out many times. We put ourselves under pressure. One can get overwhelmed.”

“That’s what it was like for me, too,” Terence agreed with his grainy old voice, having aged prematurely. He could as well have been Mags’ age instead of only sixty. “The responsibility was weighing down on me. Not just to the Capitol, who I owed so much, but also to my tributes.”

“We all want to be at our best during the Games,” Chaff concluded.

“What do you think, Finnick?” Flickerman addressed him with a face of rapt interest. He usually adopted that same expression when he told Finnick to get on his knees and suck him off in his dressing room, as if it was a great adventure they were undertaking together.

Okay, sorry to ruin the beautiful moment of solidarity (because even with their limited means, everyone on this side of the talk show is doing what they can to help Haymitch out) with Flickerman being a creepy douche, but considering it’s been established that the topic of Finnick using drugs was supposed to be off-limits (implicitly, but still) I can’t help but wonder if this is Flickerman deciding to toe the line just so he can have Finnick under his thumb again, and that only make him even more gross.

“I am worried about Mr. Abernathy, I am. This is going to be a difficult case,” the doctor told the camera. “As therapists, we see this every day. Yes, we can help this patient to detoxify and send him on his way. Will he have lost his attitude problem? No. He will drink again, and we cannot blame him for that. It will be almost impossible for him to not drink without undergoing extensive therapy first. It would even be so if he was a Capitol citizen, held to our higher standards of restraint. In my professional opinion, Mr. Abernathy is not fit to fulfill his duties by himself and he will not be for a long time to come. You cannot expect this man to act as the sole mentor for his district any longer.”

Okay, first of all, this doctor may have understandable reasons somewhere but he’s still participating in the vile hostage-holding of Haymitch by helping to lay out the bricks for a Capitol-issued miracle narrative, but also the sheer hypocrisy in the bolded part is astounding, even though I knew it was coming. The levels of willful blindness you have to maintain for this sentence to be even remotely acceptable are staggering, even higher than Effie’s disdain of the District Twelve tributes who didn’t know how to eat with forks and knives. It’s even worse to read after having seen the actual canon party where people puke just so they can eat again. And then they have the gall to talk about the Capitol’s higher standards of restraint. Ugh.

“So there is the pressing matter of District Twelve’s participation in this 72nd Hunger Games,” Flickerman continued when the feed was cut off […]. “There are two young tributes at the Training Center now, anxiously waiting for a mentor to prepare them for the Games as we speak. It doesn’t seem like it will be Haymitch. Furthermore, there is the matter of Haymitch handling mentorship in the future. Mags.”

“Well, there is precedence, of course,” Mags said. While she answered promptly, Finnick could see that a guarded expression had crossed her face. She wasn’t clear on what angle on this topic would most likely help the victors and Haymitch. Haymitch, who would have to step in front of a camera once the hospital released him, working with what they delivered right now and telling the public whatever Snow expected. Haymitch, who wouldn’t retire because none of them were allowed to retire. “District Twelve is special even now, it’s the only district with only one mentor. I remember a time when there would always be a district or two that would not be able to provide their own mentors at all. District Twelve was the most recent district without a district victor as mentor, actually, before Haymitch himself won the second Quarter Quell. Four years before, Twelve’s first victor, Swagger – he had died in a terrible accident, I remember…”

Oh my, I remember reading that part and taking so long to process the actual meaning of it with regards to Haymitch’s situation because I was too busy thinking ‘OKAY THIS IS IT FINNICK IS MOVING’. Which is entirely not supposed to be the only point of the scene (and it definitely isn’t as soon as you spare even a second to remove the shipping goggles) but well. It’s be untruthful to pretend like that didn’t happen ^^’

“Oh, of course.” Flickerman shook his head sadly. “He fell and broke his neck, I believe…”

“Yes,” Mags agreed with a nod of gratitude, although the way Finnick had been told the story, Shane “Swagger” March had fallen and broken his neck only insofar that he had kicked away the chair he had been standing on, a noose wrapped around said neck. “Swagger had died, so Lyra Ingram from District Two moved to Twelve as substitute…”

Okay I’d quote the entire exchange about past Victors who mentored for Twelve in a more or less temporary fashion but that would make for waaaay too big a quote-block. That being said, having Finnick’s fact-checking commentary to rely on is both painful and invaluable. It’s a much more knowledgeable pov than Katniss’ because contrary to her, Finnick has insider knowledge. He’s been doing this long enough to have learned the truth, a bullet which Katniss dodged in canon. It also works to make the reader dislike (ha) the Capitol on a much wider level than Katniss’ pov initially does. A lot of the deaths she acknowledges (or speculates about, though with very little risk of error) are abstracts at first. In her first game, Rue is the only kid Katniss really cares about aside from Peeta. Later, we start with Seneca Crane, then the old man from Eleven, and then the deaths get progressively closer to home.

But here with Finnick, they already are hitting home. Not just because every Victor who died knew Mags and/or him directly, but because every instance of this is a reminder that Finnick is only one displeased president away from being the next on the list of suicides and/or suspicious accidents.

“So was there a call for mentors and they volunteered?” It took Finnick a second to recognize his own voice, because he hadn’t known he would open his mouth before he heard himself say the words. This wasn’t really supposed to be his show. Uneasily, he sat up in his chair, the cameras all on him now, while he spoke on, the words still just tumbling out of his mouth. “How did it work? Were they just chosen?” In the corner of his eye, he could see the other victors’ eyes turning towards him briefly when they wondered about his angle.

“Now Finnick, that would be quite cruel,” Flickerman laughed. “Forcing a victor to move to another district and leave their loved ones behind just like that.”

Finnick forced an unconcerned smile on his face, shrugging it off. “Seems to me like it would be a great honor,” he replied, half automatically, following the victors’ cardinal rule – when in doubt, call it an honor. “I’m sure a lot of victors would be greedy for the opportunity.”

Look at the gears already turning in Finnick’s head! Of course he’s good at split second decisions and rapid thinking under pressure. Even Annie, who Katniss describes as having only won her games through luck (which is only true insofar as any Victor only gets there thanks to a number of favorable conditions) wouldn’t have survived the flooding of her arena if she hadn’t been able to make good decisions while swimming, and Finnick made a lot of these good decisions at fourteen, there’s no reason to think he’d have lost the ability now at twenty-one.

It hurt Finnick to see, knowing [Mags] was trying to help him out before he could do something stupid. But he didn’t want to be stopped. He suddenly really didn’t want to be stopped.

Honestly it kind of hurts to picture what could be going through Mags’ head at this moment, too. She’s got a wife and children with her in Four. She managed to build herself a family that, presumably, helped her to keep going. Most likely, several other Victors have found similar solace in their families. It makes sense for them to think Finnick’s family would have the same sort of positive impact on him, but that’s not where Finnick is coming from. And since he never told people about his problems with being in Four (and can’t very well explain it now) it makes sense that they’d be scared shitless for him when the previous victors’ moving could only have been punishments.

(Because of course it is. No one moves out of their district unless specifically instructed to, and Snow simply doesn’t do gifts, let alone gifts that would potentially allow people to form unmonitored inter-districts connections when his whole system relies heavily on keeping each district in the dark as to what its neighbors do.)

Oh course, Finnick plays the audience like a fiddle. Even in canon, if you think about it, his particularly infamous reputation as a heartthrob is already evidence that he knows how to maintain his image, and the later revelation that he ‘gets paid’ in secrets is also indicative of his knowing exactly how important presentation is...so really, it’s not that surprising, even if it takes him a couple minutes to get the audience around to his point of view.

What I am a little more surprised by is this:

Because any victor, given the chance, would have taken the opportunity to run away.

I don’t know if this is me misreading things but it sounds to me like that isn’t quite as absolutely true as Finnick makes it sound. Certainly he would take any opportunity to run away that didn’t get his family killed, but I’m not sure everyone else would, not when there’s already of history of what happens if you fail as a guest mentor—as well as what happens if you succeed too much, as well.

It was only in moments like this anymore that he felt like his body was his own, starkly aware of how it still was such a powerful weapon, how he could still use it to kill if need be even seven years after he’d won.

Very consciously, he drew a breath and released it again like he would before he attacked.

Chaff was throwing him a sharp look, his face guarded now – the expression of a tribute suspecting that his alliance was falling apart.

Oh yeah. You know how Katniss and Finnick took one look at the Capitol streets in Mockingjay and declared the 76th Hunger Games open? Yeah. This is an extension of that, in that the games never really end for anyone (in some ways, they never really start, either, you just go from a nameless pawn in Snow’s machinery to a named, visible and important piece).

It’s also the first hint we get of Finnick, in some respect, regretting his days in the arena, which doesn’t make sense until you realize Finnick (or Victors in general) never had as much control on his own fate as he did during the Games. Back then, it was up to him to figure out how to survive, to be quick enough to kill before he got killed. It’s tragic and horrible to think, but Finnick was empowered in the arena in a way that he isn’t here, because he can’t do anything without having to worry about a heap of very literally life-or-death problems.

Like I said, this is the first hint of that, and I didn’t pick up on it until later but honestly when I did it made so much sense to me, and it’s a pleasure to see the seeds of that particular thread sowed this early in the story.

“Finnick,” Mags said softly, reaching up to take his face into both of her hands. “Finnick, lad, what did you just do?”

Instead of replying, Finnick closed his eyes and turned his head away.

Never again, he thought. Mags, his parents, Keanu and Perri – his older brothers who both looked at him as if he’d gone Capitol – Coral, his kid sister who was of Reaping age now and slowly figuring out what exactly it meant when he was shown with all those movie stars and politicians on the television. All these people who meant so much to him that it hurt to think about. Soon, he would never have to look at any of them ever again. So he had become … he’d become that man, so what… at least his family wouldn’t have to see it.

They’d never learn his secrets, how fucked up he’d become. The things he thought about when he was alone at night, waking up from those dreams he’d never told anybody about.

Oh, Finnick. He’s so ashamed of his own trauma and the way it presents itself, and I mean it’s not like it’s all that surprising because trauma is an ugly beast at the best of time, filled to the brim with things that don’t make sense and illogical reactions all around...having to live with it under scrutiny, surrounded by people who don’t get it (at best) or judge you for it (at worst, though I don’t remember Finnick’s family being confirmed to go one way or the other) and don’t really have the means to help even if they want to, honestly just makes tings worse. I suppose it’s time I brought my ‘blanket burrito’ moments count up to two.

“No,” Mags replied sadly behind him. “I wish you had been allowed to be, though.”

Thanks for breaking my heart, Mags. And then, of course:

President Snow wanted a word.

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #155 - Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #429.

Format: Blu-ray

1) Before anything else, I will say this: you never need to see Star Trek: The Motion Picture unless you are a MAJOR fan of the series. Wrath of Khan is a much better first film for the series and just a much better film in general, and the original motion picture has no bearing on the plot of ANY of the sequels that I’m aware of. Spare yourself the boredom.

2) I don’t often talk about how great the opening credits of a film are, but the movement through the stars and James Horner’s grand score creates a rousing score which helps you get in the mood for the space adventure to come.

3) The Kobayashi-Maru.

The opening of the film is great largely because it plays with expectations vs reality. You EXPECT Kirk in the captain’s chair, and while it plays out like a standard scene from “Star Trek” but it ends with everyone dead. And even though it turns out to be a simulation, the image of watching almost all the series regulars die before you prepares you for the darkness to come. It is an incredibly great and memorable opening to a film which can be described as the same.

4) Kirstie Alley as Saavik.

Despite being Vulcan (and, depending on what you consider canon, half-Romulan) Saavik has more in common with Kirk than she does with Spock. She may have the appearance of being a logical and decisive creature, but she is stubborn and proud. And I love her for that. I think Saavik as at her best in this film when played by Alley (she would be replaced in Star Trek III and IV). Alley gives Saavik a unique flavor, making her more than just your typical Vulcan and holding her own with the original cast.

5) The scene where Bones and Kirk “celebrate” his birthday is great.

This is the introduction of Kirk’s key conflict and possibly the best analysis of it the film features.

Kirk: “Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young, doctor.”

Bones [later]: “This is not about age and you know it.”

Kirk’s conflict here is not about aging, it is about aging INTO something. About being stuck behind a desk and bureaucracy. Of becoming obsolete. Age on it’s own does not result in that, but the choices we make as we age. It is in this film that Kirk will have to determine his future when faced with a threat from the past.

6) Carol Marcus and her son David.

Both Carol and David as individual characters are interesting, but by balancing out each other (with Carol being well reasoned and patient and David being more like Kirk with his stubbornness/rashness) they create an interesting dynamic that entertains in a way beyond their relationship with Kirk.

7) Ricardo Montalbán as Khan Noonien Singh.

Montalbán takes a memorable role from the original series and in this film turns it into not only one of the greatest villains cinema has ever featured but also a career defining performance. Khan is able to be both chillingly collected and show off fear-inducing anger. His intellect, physical strength, and progressing madness/drive is showed off brilliantly by Montalbán. There is a ruthlessness to this character established as soon as we meet him (specifically with his use of brain slugs) that let’s us know, “Oh shit, don’t mess with this guy.” He is totally frightening, with many of his decisions and scenes making your stomach turn. Only open my third (fourth?) viewing of this film did I realize just how long his intro scene is, but it doesn’t feel long. It is perfect, and Montalbán captures your attention for the entire time.

8) Hey that’s...that’s Tony from the Witch Mountain movies!

I would not have noticed that if I didn’t watch the Witch Mountain movies in March for the (Re)Watch.

9) So usually at this point in the (Re)Watch I talk about the writing and performances of the main cast of a film. I find it nearly impossible to do that for Wrath of Khan however as the cast from the original series are such mainstays of cinema and pop culture I’ve no idea what to say. What on earth could I possible say Kirk, Bones, Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov that hasn’t been said before? In my analysis of the 2009 film I probably will, but right now I think I’ll just say they’re great and leave it at that.

10) I love how Kirk is freaking out when Spock lets Saavik pull the Enterprise out of dock.

(GIF originally posted by @readysteadytrek​)

11) I love Saavik and Kirk in the elevator. It speaks not only to how rash she is (which I love on it’s own) but will later show how similar they really are. She doesn’t really believe in a no-win scenario and as we’ll learn later neither does Kirk.

12) I love when Spock hands the ship over to Kirk. There is no bruised ego (as he himself says), there are no hard feelings, it’s not an issue of power or anything. He knows Kirk is the best guy to take the wheel. He trusts Kirk and Kirk trusts Spock back and they can just cut through the bullshit and do what’s best for everyone. I’m a sucker for good friendships like that.

13) Damn, Spock.

Kirk: “I would not presume to debate you.”

Spock: “That would be wise.”

14) There is one scene early-to-mid picture which is recalled HEAVILY later on and I always think it is best when the ending of the movie ties into something at the beginning of the film. You want it to feel like one picture, you don’t want to be sitting at the end going, “Oh right, that part early on was the same movie.” Spock’s speaking of how...

And how he has been and always shall be Kirk’s friend tie together at the end in very heartbreaking ways.

15) I was always impressed with the Genesis visual, keeping in mind this was 1982 and CGI was hardly in its prime.

16) The very first encounter with the ship Khan has taken over - Reliant - before they know it is Khan is incredibly tense and Hitchcockian. Because we as the audience KNOW it’s Khan. Pacing is derived not from faster pacing but from slower pacing. The uneasiness simmers in our bones as Kirk unknowingly wanders into a trap, even though everyone seems to suspect something is up. And it features one of the best quotes in the film:

Khan: “Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish best served cold? It is very cold in space.”

17) And then Khan and Kirk finally encounter one another.

Montalbán and Shatner never share any scenes as Montalbán was making “Fantasy Island” at the time, but that does not undermine just how equally matched these adversaries are. Their very first encounter in particular feels like a chess game. It is not so much a battle of strengths as it is a battle of wits, yet still very interesting. And we as the audience really have no idea who is going to come out on top. Each is able to surprise and throw the other off balance, only to come back and deal another blow. It makes for great conflict. We know Kirk’s disadvantage: Khan is genetically engineered to be better than him. But in this scene we see a weakness of Khan’s which will become greater later on: his ego. He cannot see his own weaknesses and shortcomings. He is hundreds of years old comparatively speaking, so obviously some ways of thinking are foreign to him. But he can’t get past the fact he’s a genetically engineered super being to work on this. I love bad guys with flaws.

18) Oh no! Tony dies!

Preston [Ike Eisenmann’s character, after Kirk arrives]: “Is the word given, admiral?”

Kirk: “The word is given. Warp speed.”

[Preston dies]

Scotty [obviously torn up]: “He stayed at his post when the trainees ran!”

The fact that this death of a character we spent all of thirty seconds with packs such an intense punch speaks greatly to the craft with which this film was made.

19) The scene with Kirk, Bones, and Saavik on the scientist space station feels very Alien and I love it. For just a few minutes we are in a horror film, in an enclosed space where obviously SOMETHING is wrong and some sort of danger lurks. It is pulled off wonderfully well.

20) Part of the tension comes from the fact that we TRUST Chekov. He’s original series cast and he seems to have shaken the alien slug Khan was using on him. Why WOULDN’T we trust Chekov? Making the fact that he and his captain are still controlled later on all the more powerful.

21) This. Freaking. Scene.

This is when both are pushed to their furthest. Khan believes he has killed Kirk only to immediately learn he hasn’t, and Kirk is beyond pissed with Khan for all the death and destruction he has caused. This is where Khan accepts that he has defeated Kirk if only because it has become so difficult to kill him and it is where Kirk hates Khan the most (uttering the film’s famous line, “Khaaaaaan!”). But even through his hate Kirk is trying to play Khan. He is trying to get Khan in the same room with him so he can fight him face to face. But Khan is too smart for that and works against Kirk, leading to that yell. This is one of the best scenes in the film and it is because the conflict plays out so wonderfully.

22) The fact that David is Kirk’s son not only gives Kirk some personal stakes, but it ties into the idea of the choices Kirk must make in life. He is now dealing with two choices which are coming back to haunt him: how he handled Khan and not being a part of his son’s life. And that will directly influence the choices he makes in the future. Because life is too short.

23) This is so indicative of Kirk’s character.

Saavik: “Admiral, may I ask you a question?”

Kirk: “What's on your mind, Lieutenant?”

Saavik: “The Kobayashi Maru, sir.”

Kirk: “Are you asking me if we're playing out that scenario now?”

Saavik: “On the test, sir... will you tell me what you did? I would really like to know.”

Bones: “Lieutenant, you are looking at the only Starfleet cadet who ever beat the no-win scenario.”

Saavik: “How?”

Kirk: “I reprogrammed the simulation so it was possible to rescue the ship.”

Saavik: “What?”

David: “He cheated.”

Kirk: “I changed the conditions of the test; got a commendation for original thinking. I don't like to lose.”

Saavik: “Then you never faced that situation... faced death.”

Kirk: “I don't believe in the no-win scenario.”

24) The climactic chase through the nebula ties into Khan’s biggest weakness: his ego preventing him from admitting his flaws.

Spock: “He’s intelligent but not experienced. His pattern suggest two-dimensional thinking.”

I think this is the past scene to showcase space as a three-dimensional space. Ever watch a space film where characters encounter an asteroid field and think, “Why can’t they just go above or below it?” That’s what this film does. Like the initial Kirk/Khan mental face-off, the time in the nebula greats great tension from slowing down pacing while never being boring. There are surprises, there are twists, and they are on truly equal footing. And Khan, well he’s at his breaking point. How mad must this person be if even his crew - who were established to live and die by his word at the beginning of the film - are questioning his judgment? And what exactly will it lead him to?

That final visual of Khan’s face is also a great presentation of how he is on the inside. He is torn up and burned to a crisp with vengeance, and now he will die that way.

25) Spock’s ultimate fate.

First of all, he KNOWS what he’s about to do. You can see it on his face before he goes to the reactor room to save the ship: he is fully aware that this will lead to his death and it does nothing to change his decision. And even though Khan has died, he has succeeded in his goal to, “keep on hurting,” Kirk from beyond the grave by killing his best friend.

Kirk [trying to get to Spock]: “He’ll die!”

Scotty: “He’s dead already.”

There is this intense feeling of sorrow and helplessness as we watch one of the greatest - if not the greatest - characters to come out of the original series die, tying into the conversation he and Kirk had earlier.

Spock: “The needs of the many...”

Kirk: “Outweigh the needs of the few.”

Spock: “Or the one.”

26) David and Kirk unfortunately don’t get too many moment together, just the two of them. But he did help Kirk through this tough time in his life.

David: “Lieutenant Saavik was right. You never have faced death.”

Kirk: “Not like this.”

David: “You knew enough to tell Saavik that how we face death is at least as important as how we face life.”

Kirk: “Just words.”

David: “But good words. That's where ideas begin. Maybe you should listen to them. I was wrong about you. And I'm sorry.”

Kirk: “Is that what you came here to say?”

David: “Mainly. And also that I'm proud - very proud - to be your son.”

27) But of course, this is a sci-fi movie...

Death is not as permanent as we like to think.

The Wrath of Khan is quite possibly the best film in the entire Star Trek canon. It balances high-stakes action and adventure with the intelligence, philosophy, and thought expected from the series. Ricardo Montalbán is freaking fantastic as Khan, with the rest of the cast delivering standout performances as well. The direction and writing blend together beautifully and it is just an incredibly fun and well done film. If you haven’t seen any Star Trek and you want to, Wrath of Khan is a very good film to start on.

[surveyyyys]

1. What’s one thing you would like to change about yourself?

I would like a bigger butt. I know that this seems like such a superficial stupid thing, but ever since I started working out I began noticing so many little things about my body. There are definitely things I love and that come easy to me (ex. my toned arms/shoulders, my lil two pack and flat stomach) but there are some stubborn parts of my body that just don't seem to change. So my new goal is to have a butt. I don't have a specific time frame for it, but I want it to be here at some point.

2.  Are you religious or spiritual?

Neither.

3.  Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

I'm definitely an extrovert!

4.  Are you more into looks or brains?

These days, honestly, I'm more into looks. I've been taking so much time to level up how I look. And I've been feeling good about myself! I don't know, I think I would want someone who does the same.

5.  What is a relationship deal breaker for you?

It's always the same one -- boys who don't know where they're going in life. They don't have a one-year plan (let alone a five-year plan). They don't have any goals or any passion or drive. It just doesn't make sense to date someone who isn't passionate or working towards anything, since my drive is about 90% of my personality these days.

6. What’s your favorite book of all time and why did it speak to you so much?

Definitely The Book Thief. I think it's the way it's written, and the narrator's point of view. The choppy and dark writing style reeled me in when I was still an edgy preteen. Now I like the writing for the way it deals with human emotions in a simultaneously involved and detached way. Also, every time I read the book, I seem to find something new that jumps out at me within it. That's why I marked it up so much over the years!

7.  Would you ever take back someone who cheated?

LOL. I had the opportunity to, and I didn't. So now I know I never will!

8.  How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner?

LOL I've never really been super protective over my passwords. I tell everyone my passwords, so naturally, I think I'd tell my partner too.

9.  When do you think a person is ready for marriage?

This may be a cynical way of looking at it, but I think it's when society starts really pressuring you to get married. This doesn't necessarily mean stupid aunties and uncles asking you when you're getting married... it's more like seeing all your friends get married one by one. Or like having all your Instagram and Youtube ads feature families and spouses. Or having your coworkers taking days off to deal with their kids/spouses instead of going on trips and stuff. When everyone around you starts growing up and starts expecting you to do so, I think you start to grow up too.

10.  What kind of parent do you think you will be?

I think I will be like my mom if she was happy, and married to the right man. I'll be firm about things like mental and physical health, but loose about the classic Indian Parent Restrictions. But my mom was also loose with me when it came to career and academic success, and I don't think I'll be like that. I think I'll expect a lot of my kids and expect them to work hard, because I'll remember how much of a hard worker I was when I was their age. I think I might be guilty of projecting a lot of my own insecurities onto my children.

11.  Have you ever lost someone close to you?

Not particularly close to me, but someone that played a pretty significant role in the lives of people around me.

12.  If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?

I tend to isolate myself when I'm in a bad mood, but in reality, I always feel better after spending time with a lot of people. Honestly, most of the time I'm sad it's because I'm feeling lonely or neglected, so isolating myself doesn't help anyone.

13.  Are you confrontational?

I'd like to say that I am, and I am definitely confrontational when I feel like it's necessary. But like everyone else, I don't LOVE confrontation.

14.  Would you relocate for love?

LOL nope.

15.  Did you ever write a journal?

I kept many journals over the years! I used to have many written journals when I was in middle school and early high school. I came up with a bunch of my own languages so no one would be able to read what I was writing -- but they were actually pretty complicated, and though I could write in them like English, I read them at a much slower speed. So I moved to a password protected diary on my computer, and that worked for a while. But after my first year of college I got a lot busier and I didn't have time to write lengthy diary entries anymore. Now I have a voice diary, which is basically just me recording myself talk through my problems. It seems to be working pretty well! But sometimes I do need to write stuff down, so I do and just save it on my Evernote account.

16.  What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?

People always think I'm quiet or that I don't put myself out there. And it makes me extremely upset, since that's pretty much all I do. I put myself out there time and time again, but I don't really see results from my efforts (at least so far). I love spending time with other people, it's just my circumstances that isolate me sometimes. And people don't seem to get that.

17.  What did your past relationship teach you?

A couple different things: You can want to be with a man, but you never need to be with him. There is nothing that a guy can add to your life except the comfort of someone else's presence. In fact, most relationships take away more than they provide. You cannot change someone who does not internally want to be changed. You cannot motivate them or push them to mature. They won't do those things unless they want to, and if they never want to, they never will. It is completely possible and even common for relationships to be unbalanced. It is very rare that the work that goes into keeping a relationship afloat is split 50-50. Rose colored goggles are absolutely a thing when you're in love. And sometimes you need a rude awakening to take those goggles off. Your instincts, no matter how "crazy" or questionable they may be, are ALWAYS correct. The truth always comes out.

18.  What are your thoughts on online dating or tinder?

I think it's a necessary evil. It's become the only way people really get into relationships these days, which is pretty sad. But waiting around for a meet-cute or a movie moment just isn't practical in 2019, you know?

19.  What’s on your bucket list this year?

Get a tattoo Get a full-time offer in a company that matches my standards and goals Get into shape (and I mean REALLY get into shape... I want to look at home in a pair of Gymshark leggings, you know what I mean?) Start eating more and taking care of myself more Spend more time with my sister Take a small trip somewhere within my reach. Like the beach, Philly, that kind of thing.

20.  What do you define as a family?

My nuclear family. I don't like thinking of outsiders as members of my family. I don't even like calling people my best friends. My family is made up of the people who were there when I was born, and the people who will be there when I die.

21.  Are my parents happy with the person I have become?

Reasonably. They definitely wish I was more traditional and I was more like them. They don't realize that they are not traditional themselves, and I'm more like them than either of us want me to be.

22.  What relaxes me?

Listening to music that I connect with in that moment, rooms that are like 80+ degrees, soft lighting, long conversations with people I trust, getting stoned alone on a night when I know I have nothing to do.

23.  Can you handle the rigors of a long distance relationship?

Definitely not.

24. What will people say at your funeral?

I have no idea... I don't know what kind of person I will be by the time I'm dead.

25. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run into to make everything okay?

My older sister's LOL.

26. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

Finding some way for me to work.

27. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Definitely!

28. What were you doing when you last lost track of the time?

Taking this survey.

29. What can you do today that you couldn’t do a year ago? What will you be able to do at this time next year?

I can confidently say where my career is headed. And I hope so!

30. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

I would never want to feel lonely again. And I would want that wish to be granted earnestly without any tricks... I'm really exhausted in that aspect of my life LOL.

31. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

I think my actual home does, where my parents live. I'm reminded of comfort, but I'm also reminded of loneliness and the depression I fell into so many times when I was here for an extended amount of time LOL.

32. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

I wanted to be a journalist.

33. Where would you like to live? Why haven’t you moved?

I want to move in with my sister in her apartment. I can't afford to live there until I've graduated from college though, and there's really no point for me to live there right now anyway. The reason I would need to live there is that it would be closer to where I work.

34. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

Any source of stability. I almost did it, but I chickened out.

35. What bad habits do you want to break?

I want to completely stop all thoughts of my ex, no matter how occasional they are. I also want to stop looking for love and be 100% okay with letting it come to me.

36. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

I'll finally reach stability in terms of my job, my home, and my career; I'll be living with my older sister and still trying to catch up to her even though I'm 6 years behind; I'll finally be legally allowed to drink; I'll experience more of the world; and I'll become a self-assured young adult! (I know that was kinda cheating, but who cares.)

37. Do you consider yourself the hero or the villain in your story?

Definitely the protagonist... I pity myself way too much to consider myself the villain LOL.

38. How much control do you really have over yourself?

I've learned that my subconscious separates things that it believes to be a big deal, and things that it doesn't. In terms of everyday cravings and impulse decisions, I have no self control at all. But in terms of things that I believe really matter to me in the long run, I am the most stubborn and controlled person on the planet. No one can sway me once I've come to a decision.

39. When did you last push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

I got a belly button piercing out of the blue with two girls I barely knew day before yesterday. I normally never do stupid impulsive things like that, and I never wanted any piercings let alone a belly button piercing. But I did it, and I have absolutely 0 regrets.

40. What is something you believe is too serious to be joked about?

Rape or domestic violence.

[mahouproject-one]

So Long, Sharkboy And Lavagirl… || Clove + Itona + Takako || MM Trial

[CW: Strangulation with hands, mouth trauma, emetophobia]

“You feel alive now, Reiko-chan?I hope you do”. Ah yes, the classic Takako Gloat. Eyes wide, that alligator-toothed grin still wide on her face.

This really was the good life.

Fired up is really the only description you could give Takako right now. Her eyes still shone with that fiery, fiery asshole energy. Some more laughter, more and more and more, before she was finally cut off.

Finally.

Clove watches Reiko approach Takako with resignation and worry, knowing she couldn’t and shouldn’t stop what was about to go down. Reiko could handle herself in a fight, though, so it would probably be fine? Right? She winces, seeing both the detective and the fashion blogger go down - this was starting to look less like a fight and more like a heavily sided beat down.

The moment Reiko, her darling, tries to get away but is dragged back with a punch to the face, leaving her face bloody, Clove feels a pang in her chest and starts tearing across the trial room. Snapping her hair into a bun with a green scrunchie, she approached. A combination of her girlfriend getting beaten up, Takako (Takako) being Takako, the rage that had gotten worse with every mistrial, and their circumstances made Clove just…not care anymore. Either she or Takako would bleed (more), and she didn’t care who did at this point.

While the fighting’s stopped, Clove’s already over here…so, might as well? She uses the momentum from running to jump onto Takako’s back mid-jeer. 12. Although Takako tries to shake her off, Clove clings angrily to her back. She then tears at Takako’s hair while yelling.

“Why didn’t you just let her go, huh? You- you..! Geh zum Teufel!”

14. She claws at Takako’s hair like a mean child. Ouchies.

“Clove-chan, what the shit?”

Takako seems…. mildly surprised as she like attempts to shake her off. Is this Lesbian Fight Club or something?

Itona watched that first fight between Reiko and Takako with mild interest, though he mostly just concentrated on trying to stay out of the way so he doesn’t get dragged into it. He thought it was over as Reiko moved on but out of the corner of his eye, Clove suddenly moved from his peripherals to jumping on Takako’s back. He sighs.

“(Fuck…guess I’m involved in this now.)”

He marches over and tries to take Clove off of Takako’s back.

8 versus 20. Itona cannot. Clove is koala clinging to Takako.

A laugh from Takako, then another 

“The hell is this lol??”

A grab at her back then makes her register that someone else is nearby. Interference wasn’t something she was expecting? Clove looks at Itona (it was Itona, right?) over her shoulder and says,“Go away! This is personal!”  

Stoic and stubborn as ever, Itona doesn’t let that deter him as he tries again to just pull Clove away from Takako.

"Christ. Don’t care.”

1 vs. 19, Itona can’t reach. Clove’s foot keeps him away. Clove doesn’t budge. While Takako’s yelling angrily and tries to yank down Clove’s hair, she responds by screaming and attempting to punch her in the nose. It’s a stalemate. 4. They both do the thing, but it’s like watching babies fight. Takako’s still yelling barely comprehensibly at Clove.

(Cw: mouth trauma)

Itona gives a huge sigh, this is not going as well as he hoped. He really didn’t want to have to use this on someone. He rolls up his sleeves, pulls out his wand, and uses the Liars Dance spell on Clove.

19. Clove is now sandwiched between Takako and Itona, attached to Itona by their obis. She is…not a fan of this.

1. While trying to bite Takako, Clove bites her own tongue from the sudden jolt of being a sandwich. Blood runs down her chin, and she yells out an incomprehensible string of words in German.

(Cw: strangulation (with hands))

Takako, at the same time, reaches for Clove’s throat. 12(-1). It’s a really awkward awkward grab since Clove is behind Takako, but she kinda has Clove by the throat. Ish. This is a really weird and unwelcome sensation!! Itona tries to break apart Clove and Takako away from each other, but 1. Clove is like glue to Takako. Itona can’t remove. 5. Clove punches a pressure point on Takako’s neck, baby bap.

While scrambling to get Takako’s claws away from her throat, Clove yells to Itona,

"Why… are you defending…her?”

Itona isn’t having it, and he’s just focused on tearing the two girls off each other.

“I’m not. This is just highly unnecessary. Ironic since you said we shouldn’t get off course at the start of the trial.”

Well, he’s not not wrong. Clove doesn’t care, though, and just snips back at him.

“You didn’t even speak in trial til it was over…don’t preach to me.”

“I barely speak.”

While they’re having some good banter and trying to beat each other up, Itona just keeps trying to separate the two. 12 versus 14. Clove’s leg strength is strong. She’s not budging, Itona. Takako interjects then, suddenly.

“Just shut the fuck up Clove-chan!! Man, I thought you and Reiko-chan shared more than one brain cell!”

Clove tches, clinging on for dear life.

“Tough words for some dummkopf who can’t even fight me by herself!!”

“I beat up your girlfriend just fine~! You two don’t know when to stop lol”

“At least I have one! The best you can do is spit at Suzuki and hope something happens, you ogre-looking-”

“Haha?”, tears of laughter erupted from her eyes, before she gave another cackle, Right now?? Why am I crying?, “You think any of the grody ass gals here are anywhere near my standards?? What have I got to choose from?? A mint aero or my fucking grandmother??”

And with that, Takako was in a state of pure, unadultered rage. She swivels around to grab Clove in a chokehold. Clove, meanwhile, lets out something as close to a cackle as she can and goes to headbutt Takako.

“Fine. Die alone then, your mascara’s clumpy.”

12(-1) vs. 8. Takako’s grip on Clove’s neck is too strong, even with her impaired arm. She has the upper hand here. 16. Takako chokey, and she grins, not the usual punchable grin though, one of pure malice. No headbutt.

“Seems like you’ll be the one dying alone~!”

Right now?? Why am I beginning to rage? Takako holds on tighter. 14(-1). Takako is scary. Her grip tightens, despite 4. the nails digging into her arm weakly. The two girls stare each other down, both furious.

Meanwhile, Itona is still trying very hard to seperate the two. 2. He’s doing his best! But not enough as he just can’t break apart the two girls. As 2 versus 13 (-1) Clove’s spell goes wide, streaking high over Kris’s and Shino’s heads, 11. Itona creates a small gap between Takako and Clove, still attached to him by their obis. There’s a small pause as they stare at each other wordless before Takako raises a hand to slap Clove in the face and Clove goes for a punch to the face.

13 versus 10(-1) and 9. Itona pushes Takako further away before either girls can get a hit on the other. Itona turns himself around so his back is facing Takako.

“Enough, both of you.”

Takako’s still seething but she actually stops. She’s visibly angry though. Not revelling in the violence like she usually is.

Clove pauses for a moment, breathing heavily as she wipes blood from the corner of her mouth. But for now, she’s stopped. Her voice is absolutely filled with bile.

“…she took her chunk of flesh from Reiko, so why can’t I have mine from her?”

His eyes narrowed slightly, his voice firm as his tone indicated he was not having anymore of this shit.

“Do it after this shit trial is done. If the silent dumbass is telling you to get your shit together then you must be doing something wrong.”

Itona lowers his voice so only the two of them can hear, and a brief exchange happens while Itona tries to separate himself from Clove. 2., 6., he’s unsuccessful for a while. Clove is only jostled around like she’s in a pear wiggled.

After their exchange, Itona also turns to look at Takako. Takako’s still silently glowering at Clove through all this. 

“You’re still not off the hook, but I just find this shit to be annoying, especially since it’s happening near me.”

Takako’s uncharacteristicly silent, still stubbornly refusing to speak. She is….actually really pissed. She turns, as if to walk away from her own podium.

Itona mutters to himself as he just keeps trying to wiggle apart. Clove lends a hand, although she pauses a considerable amount of time as if she’s considering stubbornly ignoring Itona’s words. She whispers something like, “…want to talk to you after this.” Itona looks almost genuinely surprised, though immediately shifts to suspicion.

“…..Weird, but fine.”

(Cw: Emetophobia)

1 + 17. Itona jostles Clove more. Wiggling intensifies. Clove has managed to wriggle away at least. 1. Wriggling was too intense. 19. She gets sick onto Takako’s feet. A faint, “Oh shit.” is Itona’s response to this chaos. Head bowed with one hand desperately holding the strands of hair that have escapes her bun away, Clove starts…giggling? The oxygen deprivation was absolutely getting to her, it seemed.

“…you make me sick, Imai.” This was intentional. This was totally intentional.

Itona looks slightly concerned, standing awkwardly near Clove and the aforementioned vomit.

“……….Are you actually okay or are you going to vomit again.”

Clove somehow clambers to her feet with as much dignity as she can muster, wiping her mouth roughly with a handkerchief while looking miffed. She grumbles something to Itona quietly, followed by a louder, “I- hm. I wouldn’t want to impose?” Her focus then shifts back to Takako, apparently unsatisfied.

"Imai. We can finish this some time after trial, if you’re up for it. Maybe bring a spare pair of shoes?” She…smiles, but it doesn’t seem that sincere.

Takako just glowers back from her corner.

“Stilettos then.”

A small cough from Clove. Oof, her windpipe’s seen better days.

“Not very functional, but I’ll honor your choice in footwear. See you then~”

Itona shrugs at Clove. Her choice, he guesses. He then goes over to Takako.

“Are you okay? You literally got into two fights back to back”

Takako’s not looking at him.

“Yeah I’m fine lol.”

“….Cool….lol….” He felt that the “lol” he tacked on at the end was weird. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before he directed his focus to Takako again. “If you need someone to help you to the infirmary after, I can. Just…don’t expect this from me. Whatever you guys do after all this is none of my business.”

With that, the three of them seperate. So long, Sharkboy and Lavagirl. Itona goes back to his podium, Takako lurks ominously in a corner of the room, and Clove takes some water from Takako’s pensieve to wash off her face and moves slowly back over to the Byakko side of the room. She gives Reiko, Kris, and Shino guilty glances as she reclaims her place.

[artandculturalaesthetics]

Introduction :

Article is all about the dancer attaining the spirituality consciousness while dancing using the krithis of Deekshitar and thayagaraja. What happens during the dancing time.What are the ways to attain this spiritual consciousness aspect of the dancer. This has been a very significant feature of the dancer which happens unknowingly. Though dance done as an entertainment, however it has the spiritual consciousness aspect added to it at the end of the presentation. This happens unknowingly.

Idea behind the writing this article :

1) Showing the importance of thyagaraja and Deekshitar's krithis.

2)Importance of sound frequencies that help one to get the positive energy source to think properly and have a decent life.

3)Importance of srividya's tatva and to come to a conclusion that dancer not only an entertainer but he or she is sri vidya upasaka activating ida pingala shishmna nadi with 72000 nadis out of which 16500 happen to function real dynamically.

Explaining you furthur in detailed way :

Sections A :

Dealing with krithis of the Thyagaraja and Muttuswamy Deekshitars and its effects on the parts of the individual namely ida pingala Shishumna nadi covering whole of the navavarana concept of shrividya tatva taking the individual into the highest level of knowledge leading to spiritual consciousness aspect of the individual :

Here we need to talk about the krithis of the thyagaraja and dheekshitar who have composed beautifull tunes to fecilitate the dancer. As I always believe that dancer is srividya upasaka and has those navavarana composition in the body which could be explained in detailed way in brief . Though unable to attach the pics for reference though can be explained in following way: ida, pingala, shishumna nadi which gets activated with the beejaksharas ome/aim/hreem shreem/kleem/souhu/ however all of these are the culmination of the saptha swaras which again have definite frequencies. Now The point to be noted here is that, out mind has limited capacity to withhold the energy beyond which it cannot think. However keeping in view all of these deekshitar composed beautiful tunes which were so calculative that every singer or percussionist needs to understand. What if the frequencies cross even a milli micro seconds there will be definitely a change in the way a mind starts to think in a negative way. However there were very few of them who could handle that much power. The once who could handle the power were Ramakrishna Parmahamsa / Ramana maharishi. The thinking capacity of these great people was awesome. They had that power to handle that extra ordinary power.

Section B :

Deals with the 72000 nadis of which 16500 nadis necessarily happen to work using the ragas as medium to transmitt that energy force with certain amount of frequencies which help the body to generate that energy force:

The deekshitars and Thyagarajas krithis are based on the following beej aksharas which are primaryly aum shreem souh klim hrim gloum and aim. These are the furthur translated into saptha swaras sa re ga ma pa dha ni sa. The great ness of krithis are the following :

1) they have been given different frequencies as to which has to be stressed hard. Say we stress on the sounds during the recitation the specific beejamantra gets activated accordingly. That is the reason why you see the musician and dancers having that agility and lively nature through out their dancing career.

2) The moment percussionist starts to sing the raga using the raga say ananda bhairavi raga, the mood of the dancer or singer or the one who sees the dance gets to that mode.The question here is that he or she who is practicing using the krithis of Deekshitar's or Thyagarajas or Tansen who have had that purification of the mind, gets to have that aura coming in their body. To me we should thank panini who translated the maheshwara raga that came from damaruka to 14 swaras which furthur become 108 like wise.

3) The attainment of this leads to the ultimate goal of reaching mother godess's lotus feat for both the dancer and percusionist and the audience as well.

4) When reciting the beeja mantra, there is typical nature of the mantra to reach the audience. This phenomina is nothing bana mathi technique in a more positive way. Today i see that if we are speaking about the banamati people get to think about the black magic which is prevailing mostly in north and some parts of kerala. Sad thing is that banamathi is a very beautiful technique that can cure most of the ailments pertaining to the mind, specially for the mentally retarted and autism kids. There is definitely a way to get to it. The moment dancer who dances starts to focus his or her mind on the child who is suffering from certain disorders, can take control over the body of the disorders and, vertually tell his or her mind that do this, definitely the disordered kid or patient will improve merely by seeing the dance based on navavarana.

5)Nava avarana means nine bodies which constitute the human body, What deekshitar or Thyagaraja did was, they collated all the swaras and created certain raga with a frequency range. This in turn creates certain vibrations in the air and dancer who dances also emits certain frequencies which will generate certain energy in a positive way. This goes to the audience and thus the positive energy is generated. Then comes the claps from the audience. The audience receive that positive energy which this in turn comes in claps form.

Example:

To give you a live a example When i started to write or do research on dance or music i did not get any momentum. But when i started to chant the beeja mantra ome aim hreem shreem kleem, thats when i started to get the thought process going . Here my point of emphasis is that, mantra meaning (mananath thrayite iti mantraha) which i did religious using the mudras that i do on a daily basis during my sandhya vandanamusing the five plus five ten fingers in various different permutations and combinations gave that extra energy source in more positive way to reach that micro and macro cosmic energy source that cannot be seen. But can be felt by the individual who is practicing. Today if i see i am able to write or tell what is or will happen is all due the chanting of the beeja mantra on the regular day to day activities along with the nav avarana krithis by Deekshitaar and Thyagaraja.Today i can see what is happening in my whole body and can see that uneasiness happening to me well in advance before anyone can say you are uneasy.

Now if the dancer who dances to the tunes gets to that feeling of the energy sources that are being emitted during the performance and after perfomance. As i was speaking about the 72000 nadis and 16500 active nadis in our body during this course of time has the shat chakras which gets activated as per the below 5 diagram touching every organs and five fingers denoting the pancha bhauthick tatva which are existing in nature. The navarana krithis typical activate all of your indriyas in the body and purify you mind consciousness leading to the salvation of one's own self . Though during the dance the dancer uses various mudras using the middle finger, little finger, thumb finger etc during the course of which the panch mahabhootas jala, prithvi, akasha, varuna and agni get activated. When you hear the Thyaga raja or Deekshitar's krithis you will tend to hear about the devi kadga mala's animadi laghimadi etc. Indirectly listening to these krithis by Thyaga raja or Deekshitar will activate whole of the bodyly parts and gets you connected to the organs. Again upasaka or dancer has to really have that focus of the mind towards this, which will follow through. This touching the ida, pingala, shishmuna nadi with all the chakras. With the sun channel, moon channel and middle, and the seven chakras which are explaind in the diagram below.

 With the hand moments itself if we see it is touching most of the organs and full body parts for the activation purposes.

         Now looking at these pics one cannot deny of the fact that our body is having around 72000 nadis out of which, 16500 nadis necessarily happen to work round the clock and, when a dancer dances all these nadis start getting activated at certain frequency levels. Though as I was speaking before starting to write on this article there is standard set of frequencies that our body can handle, beyond which if it goes even milli micros fraction seconds also will disturb whole of the human anatomy starts taking the changes. Meaning which our mind will start working in negative direction. Though there have been scientist who can use the brain to 4.5 out of ten scale and to the best it can be 7.5. Once it touches the scale of 7.5 the brain functioning starts to get detiriated. However for the one to handle more than this he or she needs to have that extra ordinary level of handling the frequencies. That is reason why if you see the saptha swaras or samaveda has standard music pattern and is sung at that pace. Though in dance we see that this is converted to the lines but sung at certain frequency level and it will be not more or less but exactly to that frequency as it has to be. Thus the dancer gets to the state where he or she realizes that this is the ultimate truth.

Practicing of the dance for the nav avarana krithis:

1) Need to have that pure and guileless nature which will help the upasaka to get in sync with the frequency of the krithi with which it is recited or composed.

2) Need to have that urge to catch to that speed with which the sound of the beejakshara travels. Need to be more focused towards that attainment of that energy. To be able to handle that force which is not very easy to handle. Initially had that difficulty in taking control over that higher range frequency sound which was so forceful that it was like sitting on the fire. But overcame after a long practice of for almost five months. Though i used to practice the meditation right through my childhood.The tests you will have will be very strong and you may have to face that thwart of insecure which will see how you are going to overcome that. Yet the compassion and that commitment or delegency really should not die.

all in all with regards to practice one has to have that patience and that kindness, guilelesness, helping attitude, and open towards the failures and trying to surge ahead is what required during the practice. Listening to the navarana krithis or dancing on the navarana krithis is all the more easy, yet very tough as it requires your body's body frequency matching the frequencies of the krithis, only then the positive outcome would be there, else it would be like more to say a mere dance.

Dancer's or listeners takes:

1) If the nav avarana is delligently heard and practiced using the mudras for sure his or her outlook will change in fraction of seconds. The best part of nav avarana krithis is An individual does not know that changes have happened. They happen without your knowledge. Just like me, When i started to think about nav avarana it was like an uphill task. I had asked many of the dancers, but none could help me in this regards. SAo what i did was searched for the krithis and checked if i can do or not. Read an article about the confidence within yourself, what they say is nothing impossible, so i proceeded ahead and still continuing to do the same. Today i can say not only me anyone who thinks yes i can do, this will give world of confidence. Frankly speaking i am neither a dancer nor a musician , but continued my research with a aim and going with that. Today i have published around 5 to 6 articles on dance which i got it out of sheer perseverence. Nobody taught me nor gave me any special lessons. The only thing or help i got from the dancers was only one word which is like that of an hint, and i did the research. This is what nav avarana krithis which we listen or hear or dance will give you. loka samastha sukhinaha bhavanthu.

Limitations :

Is today's dancer capable to achieving the same with the increasing competition for the survival of the existence. Today's dancers are mostly focusing on the beauty part which will come automatically. One really need not concentrate more on this. Though this is just my perception. Not to offend any dancer for the same.

Conclusion :

Dancer is not only can be used as entertainment purpose but this leads to the salvation of the individuals, without their knowledge as the frequency at which the enrgy source hits the body generated such energy force that creates a positive vibes which gets to the brain and thus attaining the salvation.

[sarahburness]

3 Things That Are Helping Me Deal with Stress, Pain, and Loss

“Being on a spiritual path does not prevent you from facing times of darkness; but it teaches you how to use the darkness as a tool to grow.” ~Unknown

Life has not been kind lately.

My aunt passed away in October. She had been suffering from cancer, but her family kept the extent of her illness to themselves, and hence I did not have a chance to see her before she passed away. I felt bad about that.

My father followed her a month later, just after Thanksgiving. He had been ailing from Parkinson’s Disease, but his death as well was not expected when it happened.

Two weeks after him, a friend of mine who lives abroad informed me of her diagnosis with a rare form of incurable cancer. She has since passed away before I had a chance to visit her. She was not yet fifty years old.

Right after that happened, the veterinarian diagnosed my dog with heart failure, and his days too are numbered.

In mid-January, my mother, who had been depressed after my father’s death, collapsed with a seizure. A tumor was discovered in her brain. Though easily removed, it was traced back to her lung. She too has a rare form of aggressive cancer and though outwardly healthy, her life will probably be limited to months or a couple of years.

The whole ordeal until diagnosis unfolded over the course of an extremely stressful month, and the future is both frightening and terribly uncertain. Because of this uncertainty, I have needed to change my life plans—I had been ready to relocate and change jobs.

In the last two weeks, I have had another friend in her forties diagnosed with advanced cancer with a poor prognosis, and my sister’s marriage has come apart.

Every week it seems brings some new tragedy. As just about everyone who knows me has said: “It’s a lot.” It certainly is.

I can’t put a happy face on this. Life has just been awful, and I wake up each day praying for no more bad news. There has been such a procession of misfortune that I feel more numb than anything else.

And yet, I haven’t been destroyed. I’m not depressed. When someone is depressed, whether it's situational or clinical, they often become self-obsessed and turn just about any event, however positive, into a negative commentary on their life. I’ve been there before, and this is not depression.

I’m scared, but I feel strong. I know I can handle this. And, I’m very thankful—thankful for what gave me the strength to endure these times: my spiritual journey.

In 2012, after a years-long series of illnesses, bad romantic relationships, frayed friendships, work drama, and general instability in my life, I had a total breakdown.

By “breakdown” I mean the whole nine yards—massive depression, professional psychological help, medication, and inability to work or even function normally. However, following this breakdown came the clichéd spiritual awakening.

This spiritual awakening taught me so many things, most of which you’ve probably already read about, for example: the ego, the importance of being present, the power of vulnerability, etc.

It was such a fragile period of intense learning and growth built atop a well of deep suffering. It felt terrible, but I learned and changed so much. Though it’s unlikely that I will experience such drastic spiritual growth in such a short period of time again, I realized that I had embarked on a life-long spiritual journey with no end.

Along the way, there have been fewer but no less rewarding “Aha moments” and new realizations made possible by the consciousness I had gained. Furthermore, there have been many spiritual tests, and each time I worry that I will fail to live the lessons I’ve already internalized, I surprise myself and come through.

And now I’ve reached an objectively extraordinarily difficult time. This is not a crisis of egoic drama or hurt feelings but real pain—physical suffering and death for so many people who I care about in a matter of months.

While the spiritual journey is a continuum with multiple themes that are difficult to unravel from each other, there are a few concepts that are sustaining me through it all:

1. Presence and the now

The weight of all of it has pushed me into a very intense NOW. I try not to hope because hope has let me down a lot recently, but perhaps more importantly, hope is focused on an unknowable and largely inalterable future. Though in the context of a lot of terrible events, rarely is there anything wrong with this very moment. Despite the pain of recent events, right now there is so much going right.

Choosing to focus on the good isn’t delusional—it’s an accurate reflection of reality.

My mother is dying. We don’t know when and there isn’t too much we can do, but thinking of that future is enough to ruin every day. And yet, with our time together now so valuable, I have no choice but to be fully present with her as much as I can.

I have experienced so much loss recently, but bitterly clinging to that loss will distract me from the precious time I have left with my mother and friends, and it will do nothing to bring back my dad, my aunt, or anyone else.

However, there isn’t much wrong with right now. My mom isn’t suffering, I’m lucky to be free from work to be with her, and my family has come together in support of each other. The birds sing each morning, the weather is fine, and the forest near our house is beautiful. That’s all real too, and there is much joy to be had in each moment.

Should something arise in the moment, that’s when I’ll deal with it. While I do occasionally find myself worrying over the future, that serves no purpose and only spoils the now.

2. Boundaries

In times of extreme stress when so many things are going wrong, it is critical to exercise self-care; you cannot be a positive force in the world if you’re falling apart inside.

Boundaries are key to protecting your time and energy, which are particularly challenged in very difficult times, from behaviors that drain them. However, most of the time life is much easier, so we allow people to skate by and “go along to get along” as not to be difficult. After all, we don’t want to seem mean or selfish or unforgiving. We aim to please.

However, while the importance of boundaries is particularly stark in times of crisis, even in normal times they play an important role in self-care and building healthy relationships.  This is clear when we see what can happen when we don’t enforce boundaries.

Oftentimes, trying to be nice and agreeable, we allow someone to repeatedly cross the line with no repercussions. As our resentment builds, we may act out in retaliation, doing nothing helpful for ourselves or the world.

A relationship of true intimacy and mutual respect should be able to easily withstand one party making his or her boundaries clear. If the other can’t handle that, then how deep of relationship is it anyway? In fact, establishing a level of trust with someone to feel comfortable enough to discuss boundaries is in itself a sign of a strong relationship.

Enforcing boundaries involves a level of honesty that can deepen relationships.

During my mother’s time in the hospital, frustrated with being confined to bed, she unleashed a stream of vitriol at me that were without a doubt the most hurtful words anyone has ever said to me.

As difficult as it was to do with her health in such a fragile state, I felt I had no choice; I had to enforce my boundaries. If I am to be her primary caregiver, I couldn’t endure a situation in which she directs her frustrations at me—it wouldn’t work for me, and it wouldn’t work for her. Unfortunately, it was a repeated behavior of hers over many years.

Without getting into the details, we had a very frank discussion about this, and to be fair, it’s something I let her get away with for a long time by not enforcing my boundaries.

While initially very painful, this talk led to me sharing deep dark memories and thoughts I never would have otherwise said and clearing a lot of what stood in the way of our relationship as mother and son. That very likely would not have happened had I not stood firm, and I never would have established that open a relationship with her.  However long she has left in this world, I know that this issue, my past hurt from her actions, won’t stand between us again.

3. Having an open mind

When faced with a diagnosis as dire as what my mom was given, unless you completely give up, keeping an open mind is often the only way to find good news that you would have otherwise overlooked.

For example, in beginning my research on this type of cancer, I was dismayed to learn that there has been no material change to the standard of care in about forty years. All of those recent breakthroughs in cancer treatment you’ve heard about, they don’t apply to this one!

However, rather than declaring defeat right away, I did decide to dig a little deeper. What I found was that there actually are a lot of clinical trials going on in our area for this type of cancer, many of which may provide a good second-line treatment option. Moreover, one of the trial drugs is very likely to get FDA approval in the next year, giving us some options where before there was none. Taking advantage of these would require changing hospitals, so these are developments I never would have learned about had I given up.

I’ve been reminded to keep an open mind about people too. My mother, typically pretty volatile, has faced this all with amazing strength and equanimity—certainly more than I’ve shown! For someone totally uninterested in spirituality, she shown a remarkable perspective on all of this in the context of her life, with which she is very satisfied.

My sister, also going through marital problems while taking care of her baby and usually very emotional, has coped perhaps the best of any of us and has exhibited some very healthy habits for staying even. My brother, on the other hand, himself a doctor, has probably been the most scattered and emotionally crippled by the recent events.

The point is that whatever you think you know about a person, it can change any day, any time. People can surprise you, for better or worse. While it’s totally rational to make judgment calls about peoples’ strengths and weaknesses, abilities and attributes, you must always realize that you can be wrong, or that the person might change—in fact, people are changing all of time!

Spirituality is not about finding a happy hiding place insulated from temporal concerns. It’s quite the opposite—it’s about moving through life with eyes and arms wide open to whatever happens. It’s the way we get down in the mud and go through the wringer and remain who we are.

Spirituality is a muscle. It gets stronger with exercise, and exercise causes discomfort. But once recuperated, you find you’re able to lift even more weight than before.

I’ve never had to deal with such a painful series of events, and hopefully I never will again. But however insignificant what I’ve already been through seems in comparison, that past started me on a spiritual journey that prepared me for this present time. Whatever happens, I know I’ll emerge stronger from this too.

About Joshua Kauffman

Joshua Kauffman is a recovering over-achiever and workaholic. Leaving behind a high-powered life in business, he has become a world traveler, aspiring coach, and entrepreneur of pretty things. Amateur author of a recent memoir Footprints Through The Desert, he is trying to find ways to share his awakening experience, particularly to those lost in the rat race like he was.

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