#shes fine though. dont worry
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more weird zinks because im insatiable lately. tentatively titled "damn girl yuor some kind of wretched beast"
silly bonus doodle:
#zelda#light dragon#zelink#totk#totk spoilers#loz#loz fanart#zelda totk#for the record. i dont actually think she gets That Weird post-draconification. like i think she keeps sharp nails + teeth but thats it#BUT. i do like to think her eyes get Weird when she uses her powers and it absolutely scares the shit out of link everytime <3#shes fine though. dont worry#i love doing this desat palette with her and light dragon stuff i might be a little obsessed. sorry (it will happen again)#my art
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Leader and deputy
[Image description: a digital painting of Squirrelstar and Ivypool from Warriors. Squirrelstar is a small dark red cat with green eyes, standing in front of the much taller Ivypool, a gray tabby-and-white cat with blue eyes and many battle scars. The background is dark blue. end ID]
#i havent read a new wc book in years (They are not very good) but have been keeping up with The Happenings recently cause its fun#when was the last time there was a female leader+deputy? leopardstar and mistyfoot???????#anyway so happy forthem i hope they dont both die immediately#warriors#warrior cats#wc#squirrelstar#squirrelflight#ivypool#art#2023#I have actually been doodling a ton of cat designs like in classes in the last couple months lol#havent posted them because theyre just Designs and so many people post those all the time but if i get one (1) ask about it i can post them#also just have not felt like posting art recently even though ive been doing it. LOL#worried about squirrelstar cause um. i know cat ages have been generally increasing but she is older than her dad was when he died#if wc wiki ages are to be believed#her husband just retired to be an old man and she took his job#well whatever... i dont even read the books... i dont care... tch#ALSO EDITED CAUSE I REALIZED I PUT HER WHITE PAW ON THE WRONG SIDE#the first few rbs will have the wrong version but whatever. its fine. its fine
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im gonna answer the other ask later but TRANSFEM SCARY I WAS. ALSO THINKING HBBBGNN
#willy goes both ways abt such things bcus. one he is a misogynist and a homophobe or at least was on earth. obviously#and he still holds you know that. hypermasculine toxic mindset as of s1 based on the uhhh#“overly feminine namby pamby” whatever he says#(kicking myself for not having it memorized)#but i assume that he encountered more variable things in the forgotten realms that may have made him more normal abt. gender variance there#god okay i. hes not. he has an opinion of “you can be a freak if you want whatever. ill play pretend with you. ill tolerate it.”#i really like transmasc ron for similar reasons.. of.... especially when they meet in the cabin where hes cooking fish#and willys like “thats right get some bass in your voice boy !!”#like i know its just regular like. ron isnt masculine enough. but it reads very sarcastic....#“get some bass in your voice” like . you wanna be a boy so bad okay. ill humor you. hahahah. man up then.#um but transfem scary i like a similar. thing. of.... tolerating her being a girl and playing along but always being.#kind of chiding about it.#im so worried were not on the same pagw#which is fine obviously but i get so shy abt when. someone offers me headcanons that i dont agree with and i have to be like#“hahaha yeah whatever you say” like i cant say anything back cus its Wrong to me. BUT.#god though yeah her. visibly being hard around him & its both deeply sort of gross but very flattering to him like. i can work with this...#i think of him as a. opportunist. hes not into cock & not into kids really. dwindling upwards of teen girls but eh.#so when a cute troubled teen girl is literally. offering herself up to you at your feet man its like. why would i say no !! ♡#hes more into taking advantage of her than any of her personal details you know. like her as a person doesnt really. matter. who cares#shes available and stupid and looking to him for advice and validation.#sorry again i havent LISTENED TO ANY OF THIS. I CAN BE WRONG#didnt anthony make the joke abt willy not being brave enough to try pegging. maybe this is his chance#who said that. who. said that#you really want to manipulate a teen girl then you humble yourself and suck her cock and shes yours forever.#im crazy. im crazy#.dxt#scary
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ouhhhh the neighbour doesn't have any supplies of her own for crochet and I'm teaching her and my mother today starting in just over an hour
and i am ... not selfish with my supplies but i am unemployed and living off a very tight budget (cannot purchase any more yarn for projects unless i manage to do some pretty spectacular savings on my groceries for the month which is... not very doable) so I'm a tad worried she's going to be good at crocheting and want to Make Something with the yarn that i do have fjdskl and I would normally be totally fine with that but considering there's basically nowhere in town to buy yarn (i've had to buy online) and shipping is $20+ lately, that's not exactly a great thing for me right now 🧍♂️
#but i feel terrible for worrying about this fdsjkl like it feels selfish and greedy to worry#however. she is employed. as is her husband. and i have been unemployed (due to disability lol) and have had zero income for three yrs#just living off savings and watching it get drained slowly all away by my parents charging me rent to live in the basement fdsjkl#(and i realize i am very very lucky to have had so much in my savings account that i'd been stashing away since my first job in gr 8 lol)#so um... i think perhaps she should go to walmart and buy whatever random skein they have on the bare shelves#in NORMAL circumstances i'd be totally fine to share my supplies#i love teaching ppl and sharing my crafts !!! i love helping ppl make art !! i am normally very happy to share and give away !!#this is not normal circumstances though i am so stressed about even just buying groceries lately fdsjkl#AUUGHH i was just hoping she'd got some sort of beginner's kit or smth already fdsjkl#im probably worrying about nothing though fdsjkl like crochet takes a while to get the hang of#and hopefully by the time we have our next ''lesson''/teaching session she will have acquired at least some yarn of her own#and unfortunately i cannot lend her any of my hooks bc i am working on a project that requires the hooks i'd normally lend#vent //#dandy.cmd#I'LL DELETE THIS LATER BTW SORRY i just have to yell somewhere so i dont cry and panic dsfjkl i got myself so worried over this
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in spirit i am lying facedown on the floor rn. in reality i have pokefarm dailies to complete
#i needed to get back into a petsite of some sort to ease the pain of living . sorry#but uhm. had a really tough convo w/ my supervisor today .. it went well but the anxiety leading up to it#and the fact that i spent pretty much the entire time fighting for my life to hold in tears#has left me utterly exhausted in its wake#it wasnt anything bad btw dont worry. i wanted to#clear the air and communicate w/ her about my uh. current home situation#because unfortunately ive been hashtag triggered as fuck lately at work and wanted to make sure it wasnt like#coming off the wrong way or anyone was thinking they were doing naything wrong. like theyre fine im just#constantly at the anxiety levels of a deer that just heard a twig snap lately#she was soooooo nice and understnading about it though. god i love this job
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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Susan: *gets stabbed*
Susan: oh, man, that's a cool knife
#dont worry guys shes fine#she doesn't get killed at this time#the restorer#live spice reactions#sword of lyric#sharon hinck#its a mood though not gonna lie
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yk I felt really bad about this whole thing at first but looking back I think maybe I dodged a bullet
#its not about me being mean anynore its actually about me repeatedly expressing discomfort and him not listening to me#and then me having to deal with 500 'im so sorry if i made you uncomfortable! im just the worst 😔' text messages#and like. i know i always said not to worry about it#but that doesnt mean keep doing it#yk#cause like id see him in school and hed hug me and shit which i fucking hated#and hed be like oh youre the best your so understanding ive never met anyone like you etc etc etc#and then the whole#'omg did me hugging you make you uncomfortable?? im so sorry omg!!'#post posting#yeah. realizing this is actually the only way i couldve gone about this#qnd the worst part is one of my best friends told me that a lot of her friends dont like him etc etc#and obviously i asked why cause a lot of people dont like me and im not gonna judge people based on random ass rumors#and she wouldnt tell me until i was already in to deep#like if she had just told me from the beginning i wouldnt be in this mess 😭#its all good though#im p sure he hates me but im genuinely fine with that
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going to be coaching my irl in driving this summer, may also be driving coaching my boyfriend's friend who's coming to stay with him, AND may also be coaching my sister in driving once she gets her learners permit...this summer. thank God I'm not taking any college classes I will be booked UP
#jay says a thing#actually so excited 2 teach my irl#theyre pretty knowledgeable abt driving so im not worried at all#my bfs friend is a bit younger and i dont know her well so im a bit more hesitant there though#my sister will be great though 100%#shes already got her boating license she'll do fine with a car
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me: im in a good mood
my dog: its throwing up blood time *thows up blood all over the place*
#i am making a joke but also i am very concerned. cant really go to the vet right now so im comforting and observing her currently#though its more blood clots rather than just blood so i dont think its life threatening and she seems fine now even showing appetite again#(im not feeding her now of course)#but it's still worrying
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Raven and Astarion are basically just "Charlatan to Charlatan communication" without either realizing it because neither of them are very open about their pasts at first and in the scenario where Astarion enacts his simple plan on Raven he has no idea he is breaking Rule 0: Don't try to con another conman (or conwoman in this case).
Raven knows exactly what he's doing but she just doesn't tell him she knows until later because the game is fun.
Both of them thought this would stay a game but then they both catch feelings lmao. Absolute losers (affectionate).
#{oc ramblings}#{oc: raven}#ive been thinking more about raven with astarion because like i have major astarion brainrot ofc but like#they're real similar in several ways and i initially thought that would be their downfall as a couple but like whilst it still could be#they both are very capable of immense character development that can have it not end badly#raven already has all kinds of seeds for becoming better and i can imagine astarion would like...not intentionally push her toward that but#see he would encourage her to continue being her chaotic neutral self but i dont think he'd stay silent when he realizes shes being abused#like she keeps her past close to her chest and constantly is like 'oh drow society is just like this its fine' but everyone around her def-#is like '...you know that doesnt mean its ok you got treated the way you were treated right???'#raven wasnt sexually abused like astarion. but she did have to claw her way from the bottom to where she is. she knows extremely well she-#got lucky. and shes continued getting lucky. she's had several attempts on her life and she knows her fate is in her adoptive mom's hands#her adoptive mom could throw her out at any time. kill her even. she acts arrogant and full of herself but she knows the fragile-#foundation she stands on as part of house mizzrym. she already has dealt with lots of judgement from others. jealousy from others#her position is unstable and its also why shes real desperate to cling onto it because if she fucks up she's screwed no matter how talented#she may be. and that sort of thing isnt good for her. the constant worry about losing everything she has if she screws up.#she worked her butt off and still works her butt off to stay where she is but it can all not matter if her adoptive mother decides she's-#not worth shit anymore. even if she's killed countless of her adoptive siblings. even if she passed a test of lolth.#though she's also probably looking for a more stable position in drow society which i think her companion quest will feature her-#being offered the chance for a more stable position. im not sure what position. i originally considered the chosen of lolth but eh#maybe lolth tasked her with murdering her adoptive mother (akordia is her name) to overtake her position?#akordia possibly being the like right-hand woman of the current matron mother (her sister). i dunno.#god i wish drow lore was more centralized NBJFGNKBGF#maybe i'll rewrite the position that raven is in again to make it where she just serves house mizzrym#just. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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once you see the single nancy vision you really can't unsee it
#single nancy truther 4 life#since as we all know i hate st4ncy right after volume 2 i was like. this makes me want to go back to being really into j4ncy just out of#spite but i couldn't do it because i don't...actually care about j4ncy anymore and i haven't in years#but nancy not ending up with either of them makes so much sense narratively for all three of them and it's half as plot twisty as byler#since stoncy's the more publicized love triangle and is seen as left open-ended by the ga while willelmike...isn't#which is fun. nancy ending up single being unexpected#and something that's really funny is that people who are rooting for j4ncy are like 'well they'll just have a conversation in which#jonathan tells her the truth and then well they'll figure out. emerson or lenora or long distance they'll make it work' even though that#could be said about mlvn too and that's what mlvns expect i mean it's possible...technically...el's like oh that's not my painting btw and#mike says oh that's fine and el says i don't like that you see me as your superhero and mike's like oh don't worry i don't. and then#they end up together like😭 but we don't expect that to happen because there's this elaborate plot line#+ you could lowkey also say they built them up for two seasons only to break them down because they spent season 3 fighting and then well#Fighting (and i dont like how they made up. but thats personal. maybe) and in season 4 he was lying to her and she was ogling her ex..kinda#and i mean it's not like i have a vendetta against them like i do mlvn and st4ncy i'm just saying#and like i say: brf slt
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ALSO ..... BTW ... that door across from me is STILL peeped open. i may attempt to go in tomorrow if its still open
#its been open for at least a week now. its weird how they dont care to close it at least#although it makes me feel safer in these apartments if that makes sense. like. im always worried i didnt lock my door#but if the door across from me is creeped open for weeks and untouched then im fine even if my door was unlocked#its funny though. i have neighbors who i've seen leave their garages just wide open for hours and hours and are seemingly away#my one neighbor one time told me she just leaves her house unlocked always because this neighborhood feels so safe to her#even when she goes to bed and goes to work.#i wish i could feel that safe anywhere#the only reason im saying tomorrow instead of tonight is because with the stunt im pulling now (dumping clean litter outside on top of soap#i dont wanna draw attention to myself LOL. one thing at a time
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bad decision maker (me)
#this IDIOT decided to start an event for a fandom even though two relativly popular ships make them feel deeply uncomforatable !!#uugh its fine. its 2023 like three ppl ship carmen and gray and/or julia and chase in 2023. weve moved on where better as a society#UGHH THE THING ISS THO !!! like i dont want to be mean those ships genuinly make me feel like being sick maybe and i didnt realize#that my reaction to it was THAT intense before so i tohught it wld b fine if i had to occasionaly rb stuff for it.#i made my bed so i must lie in it i guess !!! alnd like no ones posted stuff YET but still. im nervous#also worried that bc ihave those ships tags banned i wont even see content for it and then the ppl posting content for it will like.#accuse me of being biased and say im a bad person and bla bla bla which i am biased but ill try not to be and uugh.#society if ppl didnt see a female character and a male character who she very clearly sees as her older brother#and a female character and a male character who repeatedly demeans her and went 'what if i shipped them' so this was never an issue for me#sorry thats mean. idk im trying to be impartial and balalnced and fair but i also am not ig.#its more just like! please dont kill me if i seem biased against redcr.ackle i am but i dont deserve u telling everyone to block me over it#someone actually did that once. cleary didnt work in the long run but you can see now why im so damm nervous#ig i can say that if i seem biased towards certain ships thats bc thats whats in the csweekly tags. and babes i wont be wrong !!!#bc i do rb based purely on those tags so ig im fine !!#flappy rambles
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Trying my hardest not to be anxious and sad about things that have already happened and that I can't do anything about now. But How
#woes of emily#work shit. which wasn't entirely my fault but was my fault enough and :(#like. if a customer is mad at me i dont care but when a colleague is it makes me sad and anxious and i hate it#and just. the way she dealt with me was bad idk#like she was like. i wouldn't have done that. you shouldn't do that. you should have noticed that#if you'd said i would have helped#like I'm still so new if im doing something wrong just tell me!! just step in!! just help#like now i can't even defend myself#and now I'm worried even though its probably fine#like either in a month i will have forgotten all about it#or. it'll be a big thing and I'll be fired from my job so <3#maybe not actually fired but. it could be bad#but also. more likely. literally it will be fine forever idk :/#it's just been a long week and I've felt like crying all afternoon#and i met up with my friend which was nice but now I'm two stupidly expensive cocktails deep#also also. i got a text saying that basically I'm no longer going to be registered with a gp practice#but thinking about doctor/medical stuff literally makes me want to kms sooooooooooooooo. not helping#sorry. feeling emotions and they're going here#need sleep. more than anything
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