#ship:burn with you

[rahullkohli]

i see everyone saying "cas learned violence as intimacy by watching dean" but i rather think that cas' violence comes from eons of being brainwashed into the extremist climate of Heaven politics, and then he learned his softness by knowing dean's soul, and just like every soft and tender action dean performs is a rebellion against the indoctrination from john, every act of softness and tenderness cas performs is a rebellion against the angels who tried to mold him into a blind soldier. in this essay i will

[rahullkohli]

What would you like? I’d like my money’s worth. Try explaining a life bundled with episodes of this— swallowing mud, swallowing glass, the smell of blood on the first four knuckles. We pull our boots on with both hands but we can’t punch ourselves awake and all I can do is stand on the curb and say Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. - Richard Siken (2004)

[rahullkohli]

i want to see spn to pull a will& grace. in a couple years a s16 is announced and the first minute of the first ep is dean waking up from a nap on the couch going "what the hell that was messed up" and sam asks what he dreamt, and then dean proceeds to explain the plot of the finale as if it was his dream and then cas comes into the room so we know they didn't just let him rot in the empty

[rahullkohli]

spend my days locked in a haze trying to forget you, babe i fall back down gotta stay high all my life to forget i’m missing you

[rahullkohli]

“...and for what? To save Dean Winchester.” 

[rahullkohli]

ok so the finale never happened because it was trash but 15x19 did. so dean patters restlessly around the bunker. he washes and does checkups on every car and motorcycle in the garage. he organizes the books and the kitchen. he reads books every night because he can't sleep, and when he does he has nightmares. sam keeps nagging at him to relax, and eventually dean decides to drive. and he drives and he drives and he drives. he drives around for over a week, a new town every night. new motel room where he drinks himself senseless until he falls asleep. until one day he finds himself on jody's doorstep and he falls apart about everything that has happened. not just in the past couple of months, or years - but his whole life. and then she tells him she knows someone he should meet. so dean falls asleep on her couch absolutely exhausted. the next day jody introduces him to her friend; a therapist who knows the truth. and dean ends up checking into the mental facility the therapist runs. a small, private place where the other patients and staff also knows the truth. at first dean is apprehensive about the whole thing, and group therapy definitely isn't his jam yet. but he's there because he has tried everything else and he is at the end of his rope. there's a hole in his chest and it keeps gnawing itself bigger. so he sits in group quietly listening to what the other tell about their experiences, and struggles to say anything in private therapy. he sticks to himself and promises jody to do better whenever she comes by to visit. the drugs help him sleep but the don't take the nightmares away. one day in group therapy he is fumbling with his stimming toy, a soft ball he rolls around between his fingers, when someone - a retired hunter - mentions that one time they got help by an angel in a beat up old car. and the dam breaks. dean shatters into a million pieces. and that's the break he needed; so he starts talking. to therapists, in group, even to the other patients in the common room. he makes friends, and even finds himself cracking a joke one evening. but the hole in chest is still gnawing away. that is until dean has been in the facility for 73 days, and his reading is interrupted by one of the others telling him he has a visitor waiting on the bench in the yard. weird, he thinks. he doesn't have plans with jody or sam or donna or anyone. but he slips on a flannel and boots before going outside. "hello dean." amd just like that, the hole in his chest seems to shift.

[rahullkohli]

on their honeymoon dean takes every opportunity to say out loud that cas is his husband. "a room for me and my husband" he tells the host at every motel. "anything my husband wants he gets" he winks at the waiter at every diner they go to. "my husband really likes these" dean smiles to teenager at the gas station when he drops an armful of reese's at the register. "a beer for me and one for my husband" he grins at the bartender. "would you take a picture of me and my husband? it's our honeymoon" he asks two teenagers. "look how good looking my husband is" he captions the photo when he sends it around to sam, and claire, and jody, and charlie, and absolutely everyone in his contact list. "you're my husband now. no returns," he mumbles in the dark when he snuggles his nose into the crook of cas' neck when they've gone to bed. and cas just smiles softly to himself, his stomach doing flips every time he hears the pride in dean's voice.

[rahullkohli]

the thing that really gets me about destiel deniers is that if you pitched cas and dean's story as a m/f story every single person who has consumed more than two stories in their life will just assume it's a romantic pairing. like, you don't even have to be an experienced writer yourself to see that the framing and the structure of the story surrounding cas and dean's relation to each other would have been a set-up for a romantic pairing had this been a man and a woman. and that's just in the writing. it's also in the directing and the acting choices; subtle and not so subtle alike. when people say they don't see that, it is because they choose not to see it - and we all know what that choice is borne from.

[rahullkohli]

cas sits on the bench in the park feeding pigeons seeds and nuts. he sits at the harbor observing the seagulls. he sits on the little patch of grass on the outskirts of the woods by the bunker where he offers the crows small pieces of metal and other shiny things. everywhere he goes he makes friends with the birds. one time they went to the botanical garden and a hummingbird landed on his shoulder and stayed there for a while as they walked around. so after quietly watching this for a while dean finally asks "what's the deal with the birds?" and for a moment cas is quiet. dean can see that he's considering, contemplating, and dean knows this is the look in his eyes when he has to translate the thoughts of a celestial being into something the human mind can understand. a duck on the pond they're sitting by takes flight, and something in cas' face clicks. "i guess i feel a kind of... kinship. with the birds. i miss my wings. and they sense that i used to have them," he says. "wings. creatures with wings. there's a familiarity. like family, yet not quite. i miss my wings, but watching the birds. it makes me feel close to them again." it hits dean in a way he doesn't recognize. he can't imagine the complexity cas is balancing in going from angel to human. but dean also knows that if cas wanted his wings - his powers - back, he could pray or summon one of his brothers or sisters and promise them eternal servitude in favor. but so far he hasn't. he has made his choice that humanity, and mortality, is a small price to pay to be with dean. so dean doesn't press. instead he holds cas' hand. and watches the birds.

[rahullkohli]

ok but like imagine them not even being engaged tho? like, they've been together since dean came to heaven and made a nice little home for themselves together in a small house where dean can tinker with cars and cas has a garden and sometimes they'll go fishing together by the lake and they'll go to the roadhouse for beers with the pals, but marriage hasn't really been mentioned. but saturday afternoon dean gets a message from ellen that he and cas are both to show up at the roadhouse sunday and they better be nicely dressed or she will dress them and there's no way that's happening. and so they show up, and dean thinks it's weird cause everyone he's asked just say they don't know what's going on but they got the same message. so dean and cas shows up and everyone is there, and the roadhouse is actually clean and there's paper hearts and flowers and shit everywhere. and everyone is dressed super nicely, and both dean and cas are all ??? uh what ??? and ash is just "well, you two bozos both want it but neither of you can sack up to pop the question, so this is a surprise wedding. you're getting married. right here, right now." and dean and cas just look at each other and they know. so they roll with it. surprise wedding, everyone they love in at the roadhouse. and they're both grateful because they skipped the deal with planning, and the nerves didn't have the time to set in, and when they showed up all they had to do was get to the makeshift altar and say "i do" - and then party their asses off.

[rahullkohli]

ever think about how misha was playing cas as in love with dean basically from the beginning and making an effort to communicate to the fans how openly he supports destiel as a romantic pairing and how he has been basically lobbying for cas to be queer and then remember that misha is married to a bi woman and he knows exactly the impact it would have and what representation means to the queer community not to mention what lack of representation means to the queer community because i can't stop thinking about how to misha this is about more than characters on a tv show and i think that's pretty bloody cool of him

[rahullkohli]

if we don't get a kiss when cas returns i at least (!!!!!!) want dean with tears in his eyes holding cas in his arms for what feels like forever while gently cupping the back of his head with fingers in his hair and then the leaning of foreheads against each other with cradling faces

[rahullkohli]

i can't stop thinking about them being on a hunt, taking down a vamp nest, or a bunch of werewolves, or something else that runs in packs. and dean and cas have just gotten together, so they're in that stage where everything is new and exciting, but it also means they're much more aware of the dangers the job poses to each other. and they're fighting, and there's blood and claws and teeth everywhere, and they're on opposite sides of the battle. and sam is there, maybe even donna and jody, or garth too. a bunch of hunters versus and bunch of monsters. and both cas is just focused on getting his part of this job done, when he suddenly hears it. in his mind, it's dean whispering to himself "please don't let cas get hurt, please don't let cas get hurt. i've only just gotten him, please don't let me lose him now." and it ticks something in cas. so his sole focus is to get this done so he can get back to dean. but of course he's rattled, and completely taken aback that instead of dean turning off his head and acting on instincts like usually in battle, he's there thinking of, literally praying for cas not to get hurt. so the monster catches cas off guard and it's a whole big deal of dean storming from end of the field to the other, chopping off head before falling to his knees to check on cas. and dean cups his face and cradles him in his arms, kissing the top of his head, going "how the hell could this happen? why weren't you focused? you blink and they get you!" and it opens for the news that cas can hear dean praying when they're in battle and it's awkward, but eventually they find a way to use it to their advantage instead of a liability.

[rahullkohli]

spn really said "you're gonna suffer but you'll be happy about it" huh

[rahullkohli]

“he must yet understand that to whom much is given much will be taken, and justly so: I cannot tell how much I owe“ - James Baldwin 

[rahullkohli]

cas and dean going on a date to an aquarium and when they walk around holding hands in the dark tunnels where octopi and jellyfish float around over their heads cas whispers to dean about the creation and evolution of these fascinating creatures that he witnessed himself but all dean sees is the sunbeams streaming through the water and dancing around his husband's face and the light playing in his eyes ok this a fic i have to write ok bye