#shitty yoda merchandise

[stupid-yoda]

Talking Plush

[petimetrek]

Ok, time to write what I think about The Last Jedi (with spoilers, of course):

So, ok, first of all I have to say that even my dad (who can watch almost everything and think it’s good) said that this movie was kind of boring, weak and he expected more from it.

For me the movie was infuriating and a complete disapointment. It basically kills all the characters not physically (well, for 4 of them it does) but in terms of character development... shit, some of them are like a new terrible version of themselfes, it’s ridiculous.

Lets start with Poe. So I’m not going to say nothing new that people haven’t already said. This is not the Poe we meet in TFA. They wrote him as an asshole who disrespect women and do as he pleases. He is reckless and risk not only his life, but the lifes of his comrades. The only good moments with him are the ones when he sees Finn, when he squished BB-8 and when he meets Rey. The rest is just... so damn horrible.

Then we have Finn, who is used as a comedy relief. He still doubts his place on this war, but I thought he already decided to help the rebelion????? And his whole mission or purpose on this film was useless (just like Rose). They did nothing. Well, maybe inspire a little force sensitive kid, but that’s about it.

Also, in that transmission with Maz Katana... who was filming her? Does she has a personal cameraman? a dron? Hi my name is Maz Katana and welcome to jackass?

And now that I’m talking about it. When Leia was uncouncious and Holdo was on charge, and Poe asked her what was her plan and she said nothing, then Leia tell Poe that she didn’t reveal her plan because she didn’t want to be a hero???? WHAT? no, really, I don’t understand. If she wanted to launch everyone to a distant planet to hide from the FO, then her duty is to tell everyone? Maybe this way Poe wouldn’t have been angry with her, and Finn and Rose could have stayed in the ship instead of risking their lifes for nothing.

Also that Superman-shitty-stunt-thingy Leia did was supposed to be cool and badass? because I thought it was ridiculous and I think I blushed form second hand embarrasement. Carrie Fisher deserved better.

Luke.......... oh Luke, my ray of sunshine was so bad written that I almost cried. I mean, how could he be afraid of the darkness in Ben Solo, when we know that he reached the last part of light and goodness that Darth Vader had in him. Doesn’t make sense to me that he acted that way. The milking part was unnecessary, the Obi-Wan-Kenobi-like death was also unnecessary and weird? and what the fuck was that shit he gave to Leia? those dices that where in the Millennium Falcon? I really can’t remember those things if they appeared in the old movies. However, I have to say that that little forehead kiss he gave to Leia was suuuuuuuper cute and it was one of the few things I liked about the movie.

Snoke? meh, but why all the expectations if he was going to end like this? Phasma? also wanted something more from this character. Hux? He was so fucking humiliated that I think he should disappear at this point (his lines were also pretty cringey). ADMIRAL ACKBAR DIED TOO WTF? NOOOO!!!

Not enough C3PO and R2D2. But knowing how they treated all the characters, this is not a bad thing.

And now *sigh* lets talk about Rey and Kylo (whom I’m going to be refering as Culo Ren from now on because it means ass in spanish and I think this is appropiate). So the whole purpose of this movie was to make us understand Culo Ren, maybe even feel sorry for him and I was pretty indifferent about him in TFA because I thought he was very bland and boring. Now I hate him and I hope he dies in a horrible way. Because he doesn’t have a bad childhood or something that makes you feel sorry about him. He’s just a crying baby who wants to be important, and he does that being a murderer and an abuser. I can’t even explain how pointless and empty this character is. 

And the most terrible part about this is that Rey in this movie is put there to try to understand him and save him, which is ridiculous, considering that he killed Han, almost killed Finn and fucking tortured her. I still don’t understand how people can ship them (well, ok, I can...) because this “relationship” only works if you reduce her to a something he uses to stand out more. He just wants to use her, he tell her that she’s nobody, unless she follows him and do as he says. How is this not abuse? I can stress this enough... HE TORTURED HER (mind rape? hello?). I honesly can’t say more about Rey because is like she was a different character in this movie.

Also, the starship battles were boring, the transicions between scenes were not right (where’s my fading to black effect?). Yoda talked correcty? Porg and those foxes were cute merchandising to sell (very Disney-y). 

The Finnrey hug was good tho.

And I think this is all? I probably missed something but if I did, I’m not going to watch this shit again, so yeah. If you liked it, good for you, I just feel like if I wasted my time and money.

[azuresquirrel]

OKAY FOLKS, MY INTITIAL HOT TAKES ™ ON STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI, BEFORE I EXPOSE MYSELF TO ANY OF THE DISCUSSION OR DISCOURSE. UNLESS IT IS NOT CLEAR, THIS POST IS SPOILER-TASTIC.

Alrighty, before we get to the meat of the thing let me give ENTIRELY too many disclaimers:

-I would not consider myself a Star Wars Expert. I’d say I’m a fan and about a half-step up from the standard casual moviegoer. I love the movies, the original trilogy was a big deal in my childhood. I have encountered the EU in small bits – a novel here and there, an episode of a cartoon here and there. But I am decidedly not a person who is Keeping Up with the billions of Star Wars media out there so I want it clear that’s the perspective I’m coming from.

-Also my Overall Take on the movie is generally positive and I also think I will enjoy it more on a second viewing, whenever that may be. But I did go into it, given the non-spoilery rumblings I’d heard to either Love It or Hate It. I’d say neither is the case. I Liked it, which really is something of a disappointment, but perhaps that second viewing would move it up. Also I will likely be more detailed on the stuff I had problems with than the stuff I liked, but the stuff I liked did outweight the stuff I had issues with.

-As to “where” I would rank this movie in my personal rankings . . . bros, I don’t know. I have immense childhood built-in bias to Episodes IV – VI. Better than the prequels, OBVIOUSLY (which let’s be real, the prequels had SOME good stuff in the them but it sure is a lot of bullshit to wade through). I never really gave my Official Take on Rogue One because IT WAS THE DAY THAT CARRIE FISHER PASSED, and I honestly think it will take me a while to be ABLE to watch it again because I associate it so strongly with her passing. But here’s my Take anyway: it had good concepts and a goddamn killer third act, but the first two acts were a goddamn SLOG and I just could not find Jyn an investing protagonist for all that I tried. I’d rank The Last Jedi over Rogue One – I had a similar “when are we going to get to the fireworks factory” deal with it, but still the stalling period was more enjoyable in The Last Jedi than in Rogue One. And it falls short to The Force Awakens to me. The Force Awakens felt more focused, and it had more of what I personally was looking for – that “SHIT YEAH I’M WATCHING STAR WARS” feeling. The Last Jedi got there EVENTUALLY but it got there really really late. I pretty much enjoyed The Force Awakens the whole way through whereas I was feeling a good deal of FRUSTRATION a ways into The Last Jedi.

So, let’s get to specifics:

-Well, I mean I think it’s clear why I think a second viewing will improve my opinion on the film. I spent a LOT of it WAITING and FRUSTRATED and thinking “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY/THE POINT.” I had Concerns about things, not knowing where they were going (AND I THINK VALIDLY SO AT THE TIME), so since it largely ended up in places that I LIKED maybe I’ll be able to enjoy the waiting period a lot more in the future.

-Look, I know that Star Wars movies are Events and are never short but fucking, this movie was still TOO LONG. Felt the same about Rogue One (but less so here), didn’t feel that way about The Force Awakens.

-Well let’s see, in my mind there were basically four plots in this movie – Rey and Luke, Finn and Rose, Poe and the Rebels, and Kyle Ron Bullshit (I suppose some would argue that Kyle Ron bullshit was pretty much a part of the Rey and Luke plot. Technically, they are probably correct. IN MY NON-TECHNICAL MIND, IT IS A SEPARATE THING GIVEN I THOUGHT “OH THIS SHIT AGAIN” WHENEVER HE CAME ONSCREEN). The overall: Finn and Rose was GREAT THROUGHOUT, THE MOST MOVIE-ISH OF THEM AND THE MOST ENJOYABLE AND I LOVE THEM AND ALSO BB8. Rey and Luke I ALSO LIKED A WHOLE, WHOLE LOT, THOUGH I IMAGINE THERE MAY BE ~CONTROVERSY~ THERE. However I also felt a good deal of Frustration and Concern thanks to all the Kyle Ron Bullshit inserted there. Poe and the Rebels . . . . . oooooooooooooof. Yeah. That was a thing.

-On a more shallow note: one thing that was uniformly good throughout was all the NEW STAR WARS CREATURES. Icicle-foxes on mineral planet (and actually being of MINOR PLOT IMPORTANCE), stupidly adorable giant rabbit-horses, JUDGEMENTAL FISH NUNS, and the godawfully adorable merchandise mandate of the porgs. We didn’t get that much in the way of exciting new Star Wars planets/worlds, but the creatures made up for it.

-Okay I don’t count it as new because we saw it at the end of The Force Awakens, but I was extremely appreciative of Ireland: Luke’s picturesque Cranky Jedi Exile Planet. THE SOUTHWEST COAST OF IRELAND, LAND OF MY ANCESTORS, IS BEAUTIFUL.

-I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT LUKE SKYWALKER: MY DEAD GAY DAD/SON (courtesy of spaceoperetta, that joke). I just . . . loved . . . my heart . . . .

-OLD CRANKY LUKE HAVING RETIRED TO HIS ANGRY GAY PICTURESQUE EXILE PLANET BECAUSE HE HAD THE HUBRIS ™ AND FAILED ™. JUST. RELATABLE.

-REY JUST FUCKING FOLLOWING HIM FOR ALL HIS CRANKY EXILE DAYS, BEING JUST A FUCKING STUBBORN.

-All the stuff Luke had to say about The Force and why the Jedi were crap was just . . . GOOD. I APPROVE.

-And Force Ghost Yoda ends up burning the damn tree anyway, what a troll.

-. . . why do I have the feeling that Luke in The Last Jedi is going to become my new AA4 Phoenix? I just have a HUNCH. YES HE MADE SOME BAD CHOICES ™ AND IS OLD AND BITTER BUT. I GET IT. FOLKS, I GET IT.

-And the whole END when he ASTRAL-PROJECTS AWESOMENESS ONTO MINERAL PLANET. BEING AWESOME AND OLD AND SASSY. PULLING SOME STRAIGHT-UP AIRBENDER MOVES ON KYLE RON.

-I was keeping the tears back throughout the movie but the Leia and Luke scene BROKE ME.

-And then he dies (as I expected), looking out at the double sunset just like in A New Hope fucking forty years ago. I CRIED SOME MORE.

-I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT LUKE SKYWALKER.

-Okay REY. Somehow felt like there was . . . less of Rey in this film than in TFA? Like probably actually not but it felt like she got to do more STUFF in TFA. And the CONCERNS did not help. BUT YES, REY WITH A LIGHTSABER, REY PILOTING THE FALCON, REY MOVING SOME FUCKING ROCKS. REY!!!!!!

-Also can the third movie NOT go back on the conclusion that we came to re: Rey’s parentage from this film? Her “coming from nothing” having just regular-ass junker parents, she DOESN’T have that ~special Skywalker blood~. PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T GO BACK ON IT, SERIES. BECAUSE I LIKE IT. She “doesn’t have a place in this story” in the Multigenerational Skywalker Family Drama. BUT SHE IS REY!!! SHE IS HERSELF AND CAN BE GREAT ANYWAY!!!! THE FORCE IS NOT “A POWER TO MOVE ROCKS” AND IT’S NOT MIDICHOLIRAN BULLSHIT, IT ISI WITHIN HER AS IT IS EVERYTHING! THAT STRENGTH COMES FROM HERSELF DAMMIT.

-(okay bad joke time, you all know I was totally thinking “YES REY, FIND YOUR GAY DESTINY IN THE GIANT SEAWEED VAGINA” re: the Empire Strikes Back ripoff cave that only shows you your own face).

-Before I get to The Issues – FINN AND ROSE WERE GREAT AND I LOVE THEM!!!! I AM GLAD THAT ROSE ARTICULATED THE REBELLION SO WELL!!!! THEY WORKED GREAT TOGETHER!!!! FINN CONTINUES TO BE A JOY!!!! BOTH OF THEM ARE THE HOPE OF THIS REBELLION!!!!

-AND SHE SAVED HIM AND I HAD THE EMOTIONS. AND I WORRIED SHE DIED BUT THANK GOD SHE DID NOT. AND THAT KISS WITH THE EXPLOSION IN THE BACKGROUND! FIGHTING FOR THE THINGS WE LOVE! EMOTIONS!

-ALSO SHOUTOUT TO FINN FOR HAVING MY REAL FIRST “SHIT YEAH I’M WATCHING STAR WARS” MOMENT WHEN HE GOES AT CAPTAIN PHASMA IN THE FUCKING BURNING DOWN SHIP. THAT WAS GOOD SHIT!!!!

-ALSO FINN RALLYING EVERYONE IN MINERAL PLANET BASE WITH HIS HOPE – YOU ARE THE TRUE FUTURE OF THE REBELLION!!!

-(okay but for the next movie can we have more than like two minutes of Maz Kanata? PLEASE?)

-Okay so circling back to Rey because of KYLE RON BULLSHIT. You can probably tell what my Concerns were. Like . . . I mean geez, I want to root for that hopefulness but CHRIST, COME ON HERE.

-I was happy that it turned out that their stupid ~connection~ was forged by Snoke, who is unimportant anyway and dies, that was frankly a bit of a relief.

-OKAY, BASICALLY I HAD WORRIES ABOUT THE SHIP I DARE NOT NAME, BUT LUCKILY REY IS GOOD AND KYLE RON CONTINUED TO BE AS HE IS, AS I EXPECTED. But can you blame me for the CONCERNS about their ~omg special Force connection~?

-But . . . . honestly it IS a problem with this new trilogy that I don’t care about Kyle Ron. So much of these movies are hanging on the fact that we have some investment in his decisions and his fate and I . . . don’t. Like when Leia was reaching out to him with The Force I should have Felt Something and I did not. I perhaps should have been slightly less “eh, can you really blame him” at the reveal that Luke did indeed for a moment consider offing him.  He is so important to so many of the characters but I just . . . . they’re trying to make him into a Zuko but he ISN’T. HE’S JUST SHITTY. I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIS SUPPOSED ~CONFLICT~. AND HONESTLY THAT’S A PROBLEM. HE *SHOULD* BE A COMPELLING VILLAIN THAT YOU FEEL CONFLICTED ABOUT. YOU SHOULD *WANT* HIM TO BE REDEEMED LIKE HOW YOU WANTED LUKE TO SUCCEED IN REACHING VADER LIKE IN RETURN OF THE JEDI. BUT I JUST. DON’T. CARE. HE’S JUST A SHITTY WHINY SPOILED MANBABY.

-So like on the one hand I was happy that SNoke and his stylish gold robe essentially ended up being UNIMPORTANT. He dies and it made little difference. Because I didn’t really care!

- . . . but then again, isn’t that similar to the Kyle Ron problem? Because like . . . if the whole dealio of this plot, that Kyle Ron was corrupted to the Dark Side and Sith Ways thanks to his Andy Serkis CGI fucker, then SHOULDN’T it matter a bit? WHO IS THIS GUY AND WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHAT IS HIS MOTIVATION BESIDES “EVIL?” WHERE DID THIS SITH FUCKER POP UP FROM AFTER PALPITINE WAS OFFED? Like . . . I don’t personally care but for the story itself it SHOULD matter. Instead it’s just “and then Kyle Ron became Dark Side because The Evil Guy said so.” If you want something actually compelling you need to fucking put MORE into it.

-So then the part where we needed to care about the tracked and almost out of fuel Rebel Forces. One would think I would given that Leia was there (for like five minutes and also SHE USED THE FORCE TO SAVE HERSELF AND I HAD THE EMOTIONS) But. Well.

-Oh, and pausing to point out that Star Wars is getting BETTER with women as it has more women onscreen than ever but like – I was concerned about Rose dying with ALL THE DYING ASIAN WOMEN ONSCREEN. Yes the bomber ended up being her sister and important and it was a badass scene but like – could we not have killed her off IMMEDIATELY? Also was that Jasika (I’m not sure) who got unceremoniously blown up in her X-Wing? I’m just saying, STAR WARS STILL HAS SOME WAYS TO GO EVEN WITH REY AND ROSE.

-Also movie thank you for ultimately validating Purple-Haired Laura Dern as a good leader and a badass but I somehow doubt that will be the takeaway that most people have.

-BECAUSE I GUESS DREAMY POE DAMERON OF THE FORCE AWAKENS IS GONE AND REPLACED WITH A HOTHEADED CLONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH WOMEN IN AUTHORITY OR SOMETHING.

-Like . . . why was it necessary . . . for this plot . . . for Poe to talk over and mansplain to and disobey orders from his fucking commanding officers who all just happen to be women.

-And I guess we’re not supposed to find him a rank hypocrite at the end when Finn disobeyed his orders to pull off from the Death Star But a Battering Ram (???) even though THAT’S WHAT POE’S BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.

-Like god cutting back to those ships every time was TIRESOME and frankly I’m glad I did not have a ton of investment in Poe as a character before this or else I’d be RIGHT PISSED instead of just annoyed that the movie turned this character into a sexist and pretty much did not do ENOUGH to refute his ways. STILL ANNOYED THOUGH.

-Also is there any problem that the Empire/The First Order has encountered that they didn’t go “throw a Death Star” at it? I think a barked a laugh when they were like “IT’S MINIATURE DEATH STAR TECH.”

-Other disappointments – I THOUGHT KYLE RON WOULD STRAIGHT UP MURDER HUX AT LIKE TOO POINTS AND HE DIDN’T. I would’ve at least appreciated that ginger asshole getting murdered (especially when he slapped Finn I thought “M U R D E R”), but NOPE, KYLE RON MUST BE A DISAPPOINTMET IN ALL THINGS.

-THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE LEIA!!!!! AND NOW WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH THE NEXT MOVIE!!!!! BECAUSE CARRIE!!!!! I AM VERY UPSET!!!!!!!

-Oh Christ, this is so long and I’m kind of trailing off into shitpost territory, SO IF I HAVE MORE SHITPOSTY THOUGHTS I WILL HAVE THEM LATER.

-So good movie but I had FRUSTRATIONS.

-In conclusion: I LOVE LUKE SKYWALKER, MY DEAD GAY DAD/SON.

[fancymuffinparty]

TBH I'm kinda salty about the last Jedi too. After watching it I sorta shrugged and went "I guess it was okay" but the more I think about it, the more I really want episode ix to make up for TLJ being generally shitty except for a few good scenes.

At this point, I have no idea what to expect for episode ix and I have mixed feelings about that. 

I don’t want to be such a negative nancy lol so I’ll list off the things I liked about the film first before I bring on the salt.

The cinematography was stunning. (Specifically the scenes shot on Ahch-to.) I thought the porgs were adorable, and I’m sure the merchandise will make great sales. Adam Driver nails his character. I cannot emphasize that enough. He is the perfect Kylo Ren. Yoda’s brief scene with Luke at the temple incited a certain sentimentality for me, even though it left a lot to be desired. And last, I’ll admit, this is purely self-indulgent. I’m a huge sucker for reylo, so all the force bond scenes gave me heart palpitations. Idk if Johnson wanted the audience to interpret those scenes a certain way…?? But it felt like odd sexual tension to me lol and I wasn’t complaining.

Now on to the salt…

Disclaimer: Yes. I’m an OG trilogy fan and I won’t deny my bias. There I said it. Sorry if that’s problematic. 

Now with that in mind, I’ll refer to a quote by the director himself.

“The goal is never to divide or make people upset, but I do think the conversations that are happening were going to have to happen at some point if sw is going to grow, move forward and stay vital.” - Rian Johnson.

I understand where he’s coming from. Fans of the film have praised him for ‘allowing star wars to evolve’.

But I strongly disagree with the way the film goes about it.

How does a series evolve if so many questions are left unanswered or completely glossed over? Who is/was Snoke?? How did he seduce Kylo to the dark side? Why is Rey so powerful with the force? Now that we know her true origins, is that it…?? 

What was the point of Captain Phasma’s character? What was the point of Benicio del Toro’s character?? What was the point of ROSE’S characters TBH!? Just to give Finn a romance subplot?? 

And while I really wanted to enjoy Rey and Kylo’s fight scene with the praetorian guards, the whole time I kept thinking “wHY aRENt yoU USING the foRCE???” Kylo could have choked at least one guy out. (Truth be told, he should’ve wasted them all on his own. With his skill set and experience, he surely would’ve outclassed them.)

This post is going to get super long so I’ll conclude with the biggest sin of all.

Luke Skywalker’s character assassination.

I’m just…??? Ughhh. His first scene, his first scene, where Rey offers him the lightsaber and  He. Tosses. It. Over. His. Shoulder. and disregards it like it’s trash…? That lightsaber was his father’s (Anakin), given to him by Obi-Wan when he first began jedi training. You cannot convince me the real Luke would be like ‘screw this dumb thing lol’

Never mind the fact that the potential for a truly poignant and heartfelt scene was utterly squandered…

It only went downhill from there. Luke is reduced to a hermit who drinks alien milk, doesn’t treat Rey very nicely, and tried to kill his nephew. All of which seems very OOC. 

#notmylukeskywalker 

Luke was like my first movie crush when I was a kid! Still is.  His character was so honorable, humble, and inspirational in the original trilogy. So to see such a tragedy unfold before my very own eyes was, for lack of a better word, disappointing. 

But it’s Christmas, so I’ll remain optimistic and keep my fingers crossed for episode ix.

[crazypenguingiver]

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Want to Support Local Music? Here’s Some Actually Cool Merch You’ll Want to Buy

GARRETT GRAVLEY | APRIL 13, 2020 | 4:00AM

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In the ancient period of two months ago, there was a tacit social contract between artists/businesses and fans/customers wherein the latter bought branded merchandise from the former to help keep them afloat.

This ran like clockwork — artists bought Gildan T-shirts in bulk, printed some cool design on them and flipped them for a 150% margin. When they really wanted to be creative, they would help consumers keep their closets empty and sell something like coffee mugs or socks. In doing all this, patrons were able to support the artistic community while also having some morsel of self-validation in looking fresh.

But quarantine has since disrupted this arrangement. Consumers have less money to spend on merch, which is, in turn, only being advertised to family, roommates and pets.

Suffice to say, the coronavirus has taken the wind out of merch sales, and there has never been a more dire need for them. Whether you’re looking to get a new T-shirt, an LP or even some shorts, below is a list of some cool merch to support the North Texas music scene.

This Three Links T-shirt with someone’s negative Facebook review.

Support your local venues, especially the ones that, as a Facebook reviewer named Zach once put it, book shitty punk bands and make you wait in line for the bathroom.

This Asian Doll T-shirt.

Technically, her stage name is currently Asian Da Brat, but so many people refer to her by her old stage name “Asian Doll” that both are used interchangeably. Case in point, this “Young Rich Doll” white tee is still a featured product on her official merch page.

This sold-out LP of Lift to Experience’s The Texas-Jerusalem Crossroads.

Vinyl pressings of Lift to Experience’s 2001 magnum opus The Texas-Jerusalem Crossroads are difficult to come by, which only makes copies of this album more coveted and expensive. But hey, that’s what happens when your band gets a cult following.

This Good Records T-shirt.

Good Records is a Texas institution, and there’s no better way to express pride of this fact than by wearing a T-shirt of a Good Records logo printed over a Texas flag.

These Liv.e shawty shawts.

Los Angeles-via-Dallas rapper Liv.e (pronounced “lihv”) has been on the rise after touring with Earl Sweatshirt and receiving cosigns from the likes of Erykah Badu and Tyler, the Creator. She’s not going to ascend to the top, however, without also putting herself at the cutting edge of the merch game. In a merch industry too focused on torsos, the Dolfin Records signee is filling the void in selling “shawty shawts” on her Bandcamp page.

This sold-out bundle of Stick Men With Ray Guns LPs.

Stick Men With Ray Guns was one of Dallas’ earliest punk bands. A regular at the legendary Hot Klub, they shared bills with then-up-and-comers such as Bad Brains, Misfits, Dead Kennedys and U.K. Subs, and had a notorious camaraderie with Butthole Surfers. Paying $27 for both pressings of Stick Men’s entire discography is a great deal, which is why the bundle is sold out. If you don’t mind shelling out an additional $4, however, you can get both Property of Jesus Christ and 1000 Lives to Die separately for an aggregated price of $31.

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This Texas Theatre “11-22-63” T-shirt.

We’re perhaps best known as the city that killed JFK, but with enough people wearing this shirt, we can also be known as the city that arrested Lee Harvey Oswald as he hid in a movie theater.

This T-shirt of Erykah Badu wearing a T-shirt that says “Pimp the System.”

To “pimp the system” is to take advantage of a system that has kept you down. Coming from someone as self-empowered as Ms. Badu, that’s totally on brand.

This T-shirt of Townes Van Zandt with his dog Geraldine.

It’s hard to pin down Geraldine’s origins, but her owner, country legend Townes Van Zandt, was an even rarer breed. Music heavyweights such as Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, Norah Jones, Neil Young, Garth Brooks and the late John Prine have cited Van Zandt as an influence, but even with such ubiquity has he remained a best-kept secret of sorts. Above all else, though, he was a complete badass, and Geraldine was lucky for having such solid hangs with him.

Pinkish Black coffee mug.

“World’s Best Dad” is such a cliché thing to put on a coffee mug. Not only that, but there’s seldom any basis of truth behind it. I mean, have you ever been to a dad contest? And forget those normie mugs that say things like, “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee.” Your 12-year-old son takes Ritalin to treat his ADHD, Rebecca, so you’re not the one who’s become dependent on stimulants. If you truly want to stand out among your co-workers and drink your morning coffee in style, snag this Pinkish Black coffee mug.

[thedungeonra]

My thoughts on THE LAST JEDI

It’s Christmas Eve-eve and I’m working 2nd shift.   It’s finally calmed down a bit so this seems a good time to talk about my difficult relationship with STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI.

I overall dislike the film, both as the 8th episode of the Star Wars Saga/9th film overall in the entire franchise and as a film on its own merit. But there was a lot I liked about the film.  A lot I LOVED about the film.  Which perhaps makes it more frustrating.  Were TLJ as categorically bad as say, HIGHLANDER 2: The one where they’re from the Planet Zeist, I would actually have a much easier time disliking it.

But first, what exactly is my history with Star Wars?

EMPIRE STRIKES BACK was the first film I ever saw in a theater.   My older brother took me.  I was all of 4.   I saw STAR WARS on TV later on and it was not until RETURN OF THE JEDI that I connected the dots that it was the same film.  You gotta remember that for my generation, what you call, “Episode IV: A NEW HOPE,” was just STAR WARS to us.   I loved ESB.  And collected what little merchandise was available in early 80s rural Indiana.

I’ve seen EMPIRE STRIKES BACK more than any other film.   I have a son, college-age right now, who grew up with the prequels.    We had our various lightsaber battles, and played the video games together and bought the toys.  It was great!

I don’t hate the prequels in the en vogue way that GenXers seem to hate them.  Jar Jar doesn’t bother me all that much.  Nor does Jake Lloyd’s Anakin.  I still fire up the DVD from time to time for the Podrace and Darth Maul duels.  And Qui-Gon is one of my favorite SW characters.  

I really enjoyed ATTACK OF THE CLONES because it feels like Ewan really had fun playing Obi-Wan.  And SITH… well… it’s not great.    I think the last two minutes of ROGUE ONE makes up a lot for the last two minutes of SITH.  It’s the Darth Vader we’ve wanted to see for decades.

And I loved FORCE AWAKENS. I really dig all four new leads. I was bummed that Luke had nothing to do and I felt Han got a really bittersweet ending (as did Harrison Ford finally get the exit he wanted from the franchise).  I thought the structural similarities between IV and VII were a feature, not a bug.   And I’ve been all for VIII since.

 Until.  The trailers for VIII began.  Something felt… not quite right.  And yeah, feel free to insert your, “I feel a great disturbance in the Force) joke here.  I couldn’t get excited for anything I was seeing in the trailers.  

Even seeing Luke in the cockpit of the Falcon felt like the grapes of Han’s, “Chewie, we’re home” to prunes in my mouth.   I assumed Luke would die in this film.  And after we lost Carrie Fisher much too soon, it was hard accepting that IX would be without Luke, Han and Leia.  I waited for the crowds to thin a bit and saw TLJ on Tuesday after opening weekend. 70mm IMAX at the Indiana State Museum, if knowing that of trivia is fun for you.

Now, then.  I’m not a film critic and this is not a film review. I’m just a middle aged Star Wars lover and film nerd.  

 But before we get into what I disliked about it, let’s start off on a positive note!  Firstly, I do understand and respect that Rian Johnson had essentially 4 basic audiences for this film, none of whom view Star Wars the same way.  Baby Boomers what saw STAR WARS in college; we GenXers what grew up with the movies; Millennials who grew up with the Preqs; and kids today whose first Star Wars theater experience was THE FORCE AWAKENS.  That’s a heavy burden and if anything, I feel like they failed in trying to appease to these 4 quadrants of the fandom.

I loved the opening battle sequence.  It’s maybe the best star war in Star Wars.  It looks and sounds great.  There is great conflict and drama.  It has this amazing gut punch with the last bomber.  Just superb.

I still really just love the four new leads.  Those are all rich characters.

I’ve seen a lot of people grousing about Rose and specifically, the entire casino sub-plot.  Rose was great!  In a movie where people are all over the place on the emotional spectrum, Rose felt like really the only person whose emotional responses actually made sense in their given contexts.  And she delivers the theme of the film at the end, which I did enjoy.  

And the space casino heist? Are you kidding me?  James Bond in space.  Loved it.  I felt the animal cruelty and slavery beats a bit too on the nose, but that’s just a taste thing.  I think my very first reaction on the twitters was something to the effect of, “a great space casino heist film wrapped in a shitty Star Wars story.” Beneicio Del Toro was certainly memorable.  I thought they were teasing a new Han Solo-ish scoundrel but instead, he’s this great foil to Finn.  I DJ shows back up again either in IX or in Rian Johnson’s spinoff films.    

My only real quibble with the casino scene was that Justin Theroux’s high stakes gambler/slicers should have been Lando, right?  You can’t put Billy Dee Williams at a Sabacc table for 30 seconds?  Also seeing how the owner of the ship DJ stole sells to the Resistance and the 1st Order, having him still Lando’s ship would have been a nice touch.   In the absence of the Rebellion and Han, Lando is not the best version of his self. Anyway, I’m not here to write a different movie.

I also really liked Laura Dern’s Admiral Holdo and I enjoyed how she shut down Poe’s mansplaining.   I don’t understand some of the choices made with Holdo, but  more on that in a bit.   Holdo crashing the Mon Cal cruiser into the 1st Order fleet while at lightspeed was insanely cool.  That’s the stuff we only ever imagined in the old Star Wars RPG; never thought I’d see something like that on screen.

Didn’t mind the Yoda cameo. Don’t understand people who say, “bro, that should have been Obi-Wan, bro.”  I don’t agree, but whatever.  Yoda seemed perfect to me.  

I don’t think it’s the best lightsaber fight in Star Wars, but seeing Kylo Ren and Rey fight together was really cool.  Was great to see the combat training the actors have done get a few minutes to shine.

BB-8.  Big fan.  I don’t understand why BB-8 didn’t get a moment to take out BB-9e while in that 1st Order Chicken Walker.  Would have been a quick scene and very satisfying.  Oh well.

The big ground assault on the rebel base at the end was great. That’s the ground battle I expected from the trailer of ROGUE ONE that didn’t seem to be in the movie.  I wonder if there’s a connection?

All of the performances were superb.  Carrie Fisher especially.  

The film was a series of several, often disconnected moments, that I thought were really good.

Now the bad stuff.  I find it insanely annoying and not a little condescending to allege that people who do not like THE LAST JEDI are obsessive fanboys who cannot let go of the past.   Or that we don’t understand the goals and themes of the film.  I get it.  Conceptually, I’m on board.  I’m VERY ready for the formula of STAR WARS to be reinvented.   I don’t need to see rehashes of Sith vs Jedi, Empire vs Rebellion, Skywalker vs Skywalker.  It’s tired. I know.   Dudes wanna fly off half-cocked into conflict when they should listen to the counsel of wiser women.  I KNOW.

Just… be good at doing those things.

So here’s what I hated:

The film doesn’t actually move the story forward.  The movie ends with the same status quo as the beginning:  

the 1st Order has the New Republic Resistance on the ropes and is assaulting their base.

Rey doesn’t have a teacher.

The 1st Order is exactly as effective with Snoke cut into pieces as it was when he was alive.

The Resistance is exactly as effective when a demoted Commander leads a mutiny against a Vice Admiral as it was with General Leia in charge.  

This film sets on fires many dangling plot points set-up by JJ in VII only to return the story to the same position.

And so on.  You get it.  It’s the illusion of change.  

I hated every scene with Luke Skywalker.    Man, just one huge bummer after another.   And again, conceptually, I can by that he’s at least a Grey Jedi now and believes both the Sith and Jedi are wrong in the possessive perspectives on the Force.  I can buy that he went off to Ach-To to cut himself off from the Force and die.  I can buy that he, in a moment of weakness, could not figure out how to save Ben Solo from the Dark Side and was tempted himself to take the quick and easy path.  He did, after all, cut Darth Vader’s hand off in the Death Star II Throne room.

But all of those things were executed in a clumsy way that seemed to have little regard for the character. It was a gigantic bummer.  Would have also been nice if someone had bothered to tell Luke that his best friend died at the hands of his own son.  Maybe that’s what Chewie told him?  Or Artoo?  But I dunno.  It’s not clear and they gave Mark Hamill nothing to work with in those moments.  

I absolutely hated his hero moment at the end.  Why set up Old Logan Luke who doesn’t want to face down the entire 1st Order with a laser sword in the 1st Act if he does it but not really in the 3rd Act?  There’s a wishy-washy desire to have things both ways in this film that drives me nuts.

Also, Luke on Denouement Planet was the clunkiest “misdirect” of the entire film.  I’ve only seen the film once and at my first viewing, it was obvious to me that this was not actually Luke.  

A) We’ve just seen three different flashbacks of Jedi Master Luke from his New Jedi Academy days after RotJ. And Denouement Luke looks exactly like Jedi Master Luke and not the Wild Man of Borneo from the first two Acts.

B)  the movie makes a big deal of showing us that the slightest disturbance to the surface crust of that salt pan will reveal the red dust underneath (which was a rad visual element).   And when Kylo Ren sets his foot in Sith Action Pose, we see the red underneath.  Whereas Luke is clearly NOT disrupting anything.  

C) How dumb is Kylo Ren that even though he just destroyed Anakin Skywalker’s blue lightsaber 10 minutes before landing, Luke is somehow wielding it?  I think there’s an argument to be made that Luke intentionally chooses a younger visage of himself (of the last time Ben Solo saw him) and is also using his own legacy against him (Anakin’s lightsaber) to put him off balance. But the film does not convey this.

All combined, these three elements rob all the underlying drama tension from that conflict because it’s obvious he isn’t there.

The dialogue was troublesome for me.  I legit sat there, stunned, at the end looking for a Diablo Cody writing credit. Remember how I loved the opening battle? Everything but that bit with Poe and Hux.  It was funny the first time.  The, “Holding for Hux” part after Hux did his nefarious monologue.  But they kept hitting that same beat.  Over and over.  I would have not batted an eye had Poe called Hux, “homeslice” in that moment. Thus, Diablo Cody.  

Also, Snoke’s “spunk.” line. Lolwut?  Though I had a chuckle and thought to myself, “… and wriggling” after Andy Serkis said, “raw.”

Why do they keep wasting Gwendoline Christie as Phasma?  Have they not seen GAME OF THRONES?  Are they unaware of the jewel in their crown?

The editing.  This film needs a good once-over to trim about 20 minutes out.  Do we need to see Luke milking a Watto-Cow or spearfishing?  Did we need to see Luke’s X-Wing parked underwater when it’s just an unnecessary head-fake?  As much as I did enjoy the casino bit, it felt over-stuffed.  

The wishy-washiness. Oh man.  This is the ultimate dealbreaker for me.  Look, I don’t mind Rey is the daughter of a couple Trump voters from Jakku with no connection to the Skywalkers.  The scene where Kylo Ren tells her, “You don’t even belong here. No one cares about you but me.” is fantastic.  I loved it. I love their relationship and I hope to all the cinema gods they stick to their guns and don’t reveal that Ben and Rey are just Jacen and Jaina Solo lite.  

Don’t waste our precious film time in VII making a huge mystery deal out of who Rey is and who her parents are in VII just to reveal in VIII that she’s nobody from nowhere one-hundredth of her name.  And don’t especially get pissy at me because I’m frustrated that you wasted my time on a non-mysterious mystery.  That’s false drama, breh.  And a really hacky way to “deconstruct” a story.

If you’re going to really deconstruct what we know about this story and these characters, then do it.  “Flip you. Flip you, for real.”  Don’t try to have your space cake and eat it too.    

Luke is done with this mess and isn’t going to show up and play the hero.  Until he does.  But not really.  

Kylo Ren has good in him, but not really.

Rey has darkness in her, but not really.

Now, this is not the same thing as a character arc.  I don’t lump this in with Poe being a brash self-centered pilot at the beginning but a real leader by the end.  I’m for that.  

I’m talking about if LAST JEDI were broken into numerical values, for every 1 there is a -1 and the story of the movie feels like a sum of 0.

Now, there are a lot of nitpicky things I’ve shared with the people in my life (most of whom are glad I’ve turned my focus to the internet).  Like, “what’s the deal with Snoke?  Who is he and what does he want?”  That’s just subjective, “season-to-taste” stuff that grates on me but I don’t feel objectively bad.   “Who is Snoke and what does he want?” was not a focal point of the previous film.  

Samey-same with Holdo not sharing her plan.  Finn’s plan actually not accomplishing anything.  If they knew they were being tracked and had two jumps left and a 6 minute window, why not prepare the transports, jump the old rebel base, unload the transport and jump again in 5 minutes?  That kind of thing.  You know, things people call, “plot holes” on the internet that are not actually plot holes.

Leia Force Flying through space after the bridge exploded.  Just looked dumb.  If there was any excuse for Leia to bust out a lightsaber, this was the moment.  That would have been choice.    Tangential to this: the unceremonious death of Admiral Ackbar.

But those are digressions.

I would probably like this story much more if it were the last half of FORCE AWAKENS rather than a movie all unto itself.

That said, I think this petition to remove TLJ from the canon of SW films is idiotic.  This film is going to make a billion dollars by New Years and Disney appears to be giving Rian Johnson his own spinoff franchise. So yeah, this movie isn’t going anywhere.  

I also think its real low class to jump on twitter and be a raging dickmunch to Rian Johnson.  I’ll never understand why people punish creators for being easily accessible.   Or to people who loved the movie.  I’m not here to convince you that you shouldn’t love THE LAST JEDI or tell you you’re a dumb-dumb if you did.  I simply find it difficult to like for Star Wars movie reasons and movie-movie reasons.

I actually look forward to Johnson’s spinoff film because he seems much more comfortable with new characters.  I think he’s a person like Zahn who will add a lot of new hated and loved characters. But unlike Zahn, I don’t think he has a steady hand with legacy characters.

So that’s it.  6 pages on a Word document later (assuming you stuck around).  Feel free to hit me back on the twitterbox to tell me how both right and wrong I am!

May the Force be something or other.  But probably not.