#shoutout to my boyfriend who was next to me and started crying harder when he saw me crying

[akindplace]

shout out to the american lady who was watching the barbie movie sitting in the edge of her seat glued to the screen in amazement during the scenes that talked about how it’s like to grow up as a girl while sometimes being distracted by the weird brazilian (me) crying so much she was sobbing

[largedenominationsplease]

you’d come over, right?

Summary: A year after Kiara and JJ broke up, they come home to the Outer Banks to deal with one of the hardest years of their lives.

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: swearing, canon-compliant smoking, au, minor character death, cancer, current events

A/N: Alternate Universe: JJ and Kiara dated seriously for a long while, but over a year before this story, they parted ways. Set in present-day with current events, but most current events are only mentioned briefly for context. All characters aged 21+. Partially inspired by If the World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi and current events and Sad Feels™ and a sad playlist my sister made. Come cry with me... also on ao3

Shoutout to @alexandracheers​ for proofreading <3

Sometimes even the most beautiful things die. It’s the sad cycle of life. 

It starts with a spark, a first touch, a first look, a first kiss; 

a few embers of warmth, holding hands, secret glances, flirty texts; 

the roaring flames of passion, clinging to one another, leaving the party early, tangled limbs and tangled sheets; 

then the steady heat of a well-tended fire, cozy mornings making coffee, binging your favorite shows, texting to see how your day is. 

But, sometimes, even the most loved and cared for fires die. They go out with little warning or reason. What was a welcome flame in the hearth one night may be a bed of ash by morning. 

Their fire died a long time ago. It wasn’t anyone’s fault - no one was trying to douse the flames - it just went out. When they sat down and discussed breaking up - parting ways was a more apropos term - she hadn’t even cried. When he packed up and moved out, it was unceremonious. He even kissed her forehead as he left, like he’d done a hundred times before, only this time he wasn’t coming back. 

She still dreamed about him. Sometimes unbidden images of picket fences and a dog and home-cooked meals and potted plants intruded upon her thoughts. Once, when her period was late, she’d even dreamt of a curly-haired little boy with blue eyes - which was ridiculous because she was very single at the time. Did she even want to have kids?

He thought about her, too. Each new destination she traveled to brought new Instagram posts and awakened an ache in his chest he couldn’t quite place. That ache deepened when she revisited places they had gone together - unwanted memories flooding his senses. The smell of coconut still sent him spinning, missing the feeling of running his fingers through her hair, over the smooth skin of her arms and legs. 

What hurt so badly about their fire dying wasn’t that it died. What hurt was that it should never have died; that it died so quietly and suddenly; that one day it was there, burning bright, and the next it was a cold gray heap of coals. 

Even their friends were surprised when he moved back home. “Where is she?” and “What happened?” and “We had no idea you had any problems.”

Followed by the futile response of, “It was just time to move on.”

And they did move on, eventually. She traveled to forget and perhaps after a few months she could call herself truly happy - though there was always an ache of not having someone to share each experience with. He stayed at home, but he opened his own business and the familiarity of home soothed any wounds he sustained. Their fire might have gone out, but they kept the bed of ash in the fireplace, a shrine to what they once had, and it was more comforting than sad after a time. 

When the virus first hit, she’d been back in the states, on the West Coast. She messaged him:

Are you safe? Still have a job? Anyone sick?

Fine for now. You?

Fine.

When the protesting started, he knew she’d be in the thick of it. Not that he didn’t get involved, he just knew her passion for people and justice. He messaged her back this time:

You’re protesting, aren’t you? Are you safe?

Of course! But I’m being careful. You?

Staying safe. Protesting here, too. 

Hurricane Isaias wasn’t meant to be a bad storm, but she had still tracked it up the East Coast. Her suspicions were confirmed when it intensified.

Isaias didn’t wipe y’all out, did it?

No, blew through pretty quick. The Cut took a hit. Gonna take some time to fix it up. 

At first, after reading the headlines about the fires out west, he thought it was a joke. As they spread, he realized how serious it was and it worried him. 

You evacuated, right? The air quality is shit where you are. 

Yep. Gonna take a pandemic-friendly tour of some national parks further east.

Every new development meant more messages sent. Simple little check-ins that meant nothing and everything. It was a scary year the world faced, and even after all those months apart, the only thing they wanted was to find comfort in one another’s safety. On opposite ends of the country, the two of them tied together by current events and the memory of their relationship. 

Mid-September, while she was traveling away from the fires on the West Coast, he got a call from her mother. He hadn’t spoken to her mother much since they had broken up, over a year ago, but she still liked his Instagram posts and struck up conversations when she saw him around town. 

“Hey, Mrs. Anna.”

“Hi, JJ. I’ve told you, it’s just Anna.” Her voice was soft and as kind as ever, but held an edge of tiredness and strain he hadn’t heard from her before. “We have some… tough news, and we wanted you to hear it from us first.”

Colon cancer…

Kiara’s hearing faded into white noise as her mother spoke those words to her through the phone. Her mother went on to explain that even though they caught it late, the doctors were optimistic that her father would make a recovery. Treatments were set to start right away. 

“Mom, I’m coming home.”

“Honey, we know you’ve got traveling plans. We’ll be fine. We don’t want to interrupt your-”

“Mom, I can’t do much traveling with this virus. Dad is more important than any of that, anyway. I’m coming home.”

JJ cried when Anna hung up the phone. Mike was rough around the edges, and he was resistant to Kiara dating a Maybank, but once JJ won him over, he treated him like a son. Hearing this news was a punch to the gut - it was like losing a father. Even in the midst of his sadness he knew Kiara would be sent into a tailspin.

Hey. You okay?

She was typing in response, then nothing. He waited, seeing the little bubble pop up again and again and fade away each time. And then she videocalled. She hadn’t called him in months - not since they parted ways. The little screen showed her in her car, only illuminated by her dim phone screen and the passing street lights. Tears stained her cheeks, but she kept her eyes trained on the road. “I’m not okay.”

“You’re driving right now?”

“I’m coming home.”

“Kiara, pull over. It’s late. Get some sleep.”

“I can’t. They caught it late - he might… who knows how much time I have-”

“Kie.” His voice was soft. He was always soft toward her.

Her face crumpled as the tears fell fresh. He let her cry. He talked to her about nothing and everything as her tears subsided. She cried as she drove through the night, talking to him when she was calm, crying harder when the conversation lulled. She didn’t stop until she noticed he’d fallen asleep, the video call still rolling. It was after four in the morning. The pang of nostalgia that tore through her was enough to make her catch her breath. They hadn’t talked like that since they first started dating. A few tears sneaked out of the corners of her eyes, but she couldn’t tell if the memories or the fear of the future caused them. She found a safe place to park and fell into a fitful sleep in the back of her car. 

She made it home just in time for her dad’s first surgery. JJ met her and her mother at the hospital parking lot, all masks and six-feet of distance until she said, “I could really use a hug.” The three of them colliding into a group hug within seconds. 

JJ made sure the Carreras didn’t need anything as Mike went through chemo and more and more hospital stays. He ran errands for them since none of them could risk going out and bringing anything home. He did yard work since Mike hated an unkept lawn. Kiara always made sure to leave him snacks and drinks on the back deck as the North Carolina heat stretched into October. Aside from that, he willingly put himself at Anna’s beck and call. Anything and everything she needed done, he jumped at the opportunity to help. He would even come over in the evenings to play cards with Mike - masks included. Kiara’s heart ached as she watched her parents get along with him so well. She hadn’t realized how far he had wormed his way into their little family, but here they were, acting as though nothing had changed between him and their daughter, loving him like a son. He praised her mom’s cooking until she blushed and there were times he could make her dad laugh so hard they all forgot for a moment that cancer existed. Those moments were fleeting and oh-so cherished. 

Mike deteriorated quickly. It made Kiara sick to see her father become a cancer-wasted shell of himself. As optimistic as the doctors had been originally, the treatments weren’t taking well. As chemo wrapped up, his numbers were still dangerously high. November brought another emergency surgery that confirmed their worst fears. Mike moved home. They were told all that was left was to manage the pain and make him as comfortable as they could. They had perhaps a month left. JJ moved into the guest room to be as close as possible in case anything was needed from him. The four of them were left waiting as Thanksgiving approached. 

Kiara wasn’t sleeping. Maybe it was knowing her ex-boyfriend was staying down the hall from her, though that was an odd thing to focus on. More likely, it was the fact that her father was passing away right before her eyes, slipping through her fingers as she stood by, helpless. The sun had set hours ago, and she sat with a now-cold cup of tea in front of her at the kitchen table, mulling over each crazy event that had led her to this point. 

JJ wandered into the kitchen, opening the fridge to inspect the contents. “What are you doing up so late?” he asked.

“I could ask you the same thing.” The words came out harsher than she had intended, but then again, she was exhausted in every single sense of the term.

JJ brushed off her roughness. “Hungry. Did you eat dinner?” He knew she hadn’t, so he set about making an extra sandwich.

After a few moments of silence, Kiara whispered, “It’s all my fault.”

“What?”

“It’s my fault,” she repeated, her lip trembling. “I always kept track of his appointments for him. He was always shit at remembering to go to the doctor. He should have had one last year, but I didn’t come home and I didn’t remind him. If I hadn’t broken up with you, I would have been here to remind him to go.” Tears shone in her eyes and on her cheeks.

JJ gave her a quizzical look, deciphering what she was saying. “I seem to recall being the one who left. But really none of this is anyone’s fault,” he kept his voice even, wanting nothing more than to hug her, to wipe away all the tears, and make sure she never had to shed another one again.

“I know, I know, it’s ridiculous, but it’s what keeps running through my head.” She reached up and readjusted the messy bun that her hair was falling out of. “But, for the record, I asked you to leave.” JJ raised an eyebrow as she said this, as though he didn’t believe her. The truth was, neither of them really remembered who had dumped who or why he had left in the first place. Nothing happened that they couldn’t work out with a little bit of effort. “Didn’t I?” she faltered.

He shrugged. “I don’t remember.”

“We just fought a lot, didn’t we?”

“Constantly. You were a bitch.”

She turned to him, mouth open. She slapped at his shoulder, “I know you did not just call me a bitch, bitch!”

He smirked at her. “Maybe you weren’t that bad. Apparently, I was a slob.”

“You are a slob,” she chuckled. Then she sighed and moved to heat up her tea. “But that’s no reason to dump someone. We just… fell out of love, I guess.”

“I didn’t.” His voice was so soft he was barely even sure he had spoken. Based on the way Kiara froze, her back tense, he’d definitely said those private thoughts aloud.

She turned slowly, her face pale with lack of sleep and - something else. Was that anger? Or sadness? “You’ve had more than a year to confess something like that to me, and you choose now?”

JJ shrugged helplessly, unsure of what to say.

“That was the issue all along, wasn’t it?” Kiara’s voice shook, but she kept her tone cool, even. “You wouldn’t communicate with me.”

“Oh, come on, Kie, that’s not fair.” It was too late for a fight. They were both tired and emotional. This wouldn’t end well.

“What’s not fair?” Her voice had started to rise in volume and pitch as her anger increased. She wasn’t even sure why she was angry in the first place, but something about JJ’s confession caused her blood to boil. “The fact that you didn’t admit you still loved me when you left over a year ago? Or the fact that you choose to admit that to me while I’m exhausted and emotionally compromised?”

“Don’t be like that! That’s not what I’m doing.” JJ tried to keep his voice lower than hers, so they wouldn’t wake Mike or Anna, but the way her eyes flashed told him that wouldn’t happen. He grabbed her bicep and led her out to the backyard.

“Let go of me!” She pulled away from him, trying to hide the shiver that ran up her spine in the cool November evening air. “You don’t get to manhandle me and manipulate me into falling back into your arms like nothing happened.”

“That’s not-“ JJ ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. “You know I’m shit at communicating this stuff.”

“At saying ‘I love you?’ At being emotionally present? Listen, I know your dad was fucked up and he fucked you up, but you’re a grown-ass man now. You could have learned how to be there for me!”

“Don’t bring him into this!” They’d had this fight a million times before. The recurring theme of their demise being communication. Their fire had been sputtering under the faulty system they had in place long before they realized what their problems were - it was something neither of them wanted to admit. “Fuck it, Kie, even if I had wanted to get any better at communicating, you were no help. You held every single one of my mistakes over my head. There was no road to redemption for you.”

“No, no that’s not true. I tried to help you-“

“Only telling me what I did wrong wasn’t helpful.”

She opened her mouth and closed it again, stuttering in anger. “Well… if you still loved me so much, why did you leave?”

“Why stay when I knew you didn’t love me anymore?” JJ’s voice dropped and he avoided eye contact with her. 

Her eyes grew wide in realization. “You know what? Fuck you! I loved you until the day you left. If I had known you weren’t coming back I would have fought harder to keep you with me, and if you’re too dense to see-” He cut her words off, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her roughly. She melted into him, a single tear squeezing itself from her eye. He tasted of a coconut flavored vape pod and nicotine and the sea. He was just as stupid and lovely as ever. It only lasted a moment before she shoved at his chest, clearing her throat and turning from him to hide the blush rising to her cheeks. 

“I’m… I’m seeing someone,” she muttered by way of explanation.

“Oh.” JJ licked his lips, missing her more than he had before he kissed her. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know. Who is it? Why aren’t they here?” He hadn’t meant to add that last part, but he was curious. Who could she be seeing that wouldn’t support her during all of this? Who could she want to be with that wasn’t there, like he was?

“Um, her name’s Fern. I asked her not to come. I didn’t want her to meet my dad this way.” She started to walk toward the door, wrapping her arms around herself in the cold November evening air. 

“Kie,” JJ called after her. She turned slightly, to catch his eye out of the corner of her own. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything… I fucked a lot of things up. And I’m sorry about your dad.”

She nodded. “Me too.” With everything, she added mentally, and he knew she had.

Kiara and JJ wordlessly promised each other that they wouldn't let their differences ruin the upcoming holidays. So Thanksgiving passed uneventfully. It was almost a normal Carrera family holiday, besides the fact that Anna and JJ did most of the cooking. Mike tried once or twice to wander into the kitchen, but he didn’t make it long before having to sit back down. Kiara made him comfortable on the couch and they watched what little football was playing. She was sure to commentate on each play alongside him. The four of them ate extreme amounts of food, and laughed and played games. “Tomorrow we go get our Christmas tree,” Mike announced at the end of the night. Kiara bit her lip and glanced at JJ. He shrugged half-heartedly.

“That’s right, baby,” Anna replied, looking meaningfully at the others. 

And they did. They didn’t travel to the mountains, like other years, but they did go down to the local tree lot. Kiara made a big fuss about finding the fattest tree and over-scrutinized each one until she found the perfect Christmas tree, just like always. JJ had spent holidays with the Carrera’s before, but he had never been so intimately involved in all of their traditions. He thought Christmas might just become his favorite holiday at this rate. 

The weeks leading to Christmas weren’t all smooth sailing. Just a few days after Thanksgiving Mike was confined almost exclusively to a hospital bed in the living room. A nurse moved in a few days after that. He slept fitfully if he slept at all, and most days, the pain (or the pain medication) kept him from interacting with the rest of them. Kie would read to him in the evenings, starting with A Christmas Carol. He fell asleep after only a few paragraphs each time, so it took a long while to get through the story. All four of them watched classic Christmas movie after classic Christmas movie - many of which JJ hadn’t ever seen (to which Anna always replied, “That’s going on our list, then!”). Mike managed to stay awake for the entirety of Elf, his favorite. 

Christmas day was quiet. JJ cooked breakfast for everyone, and Anna gushed about how good his cooking had gotten. They had opted not to exchange gifts this holiday, instead filling their stockings with all their favorite candies and snacks. It had been JJ’s idea, and Kiara thought he might have been a secret genius for suggesting it. In the afternoon, Fern called Kie and they talked for over an hour. JJ thought she looked satisfied when she returned, but nowhere near as happy as one should be when they got off a long conversation with their girlfriend. It was probably just the current circumstances. She didn’t say anything other than, “What’s the next movie, Dad?”

Mike died two days after Christmas. He went in his sleep, which was exactly what he had wanted. No fuss, no doctors trying desperately to save him. Just a good night’s sleep where he peacefully breathed his last. He didn’t look the same as he once had. Cancer had changed him so drastically, his once strong imposing frame a mere shadow of its former glory. But his face was smoothed out, lines of pain, grief, and illness wiped away, leaving simply peace. He could have been asleep, but now he would never wake up. Looking at him, Kiara felt like she was drowning. Like every breath she fought to take just filled her lungs with more and more water. Her dad was her rock, and now she was sinking in a wide, dark ocean. She thought she might never breathe again. 

The funeral was tiny - it was only close family that attended - three days after he passed. The sky was clear and blue and the air was cold, typical North Carolina winter. It had snowed the day before, just a bit, so the ground was frozen and white. It could have been beautiful if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. Anna didn’t cry that day. She said she had cried enough. The snow started falling again that evening, once they got home, and she said that was Mike’s way of telling her he loved her. She loved the snow.  

JJ went back home the day after the New Year. Anna told him to stay as long as he wanted, but he said it was time for him to move on. She understood, hugged him tightly before he went, admonishing him to come around often. He said he would, and promised to help with anything she needed around the house, too. Kiara sat huddled on the front porch in a rocking chair, wrapped in a thick blanket with a cup of hot cocoa as he walked out. “You’re not going to say goodbye?” he teased kindly. 

She looked up at him, her eyes still bloodshot and sorrowful. He wanted to hold her. He wished she had never had to go through any of this. She didn’t deserve it. “I don’t know what to say,” she said. “You’ve done so much for us.”

JJ shook his head. “It was selfish. I thought if I was nearby maybe it wouldn’t happen.”

“It was anything but selfish,” She insisted, standing up and wrapping the blanket tighter around her shoulders. She placed a cold hand on his cheek. “Really, J. We couldn’t have made it through any of this without you.”

JJ might have leaned too deeply into her touch, no matter how cold her hands were. It somehow felt colder when she moved away. He cleared his throat. “So what’re your plans now? Getting back on the road?”

“Not until spring. Mom won’t admit it, but she’s not ready to be alone. She’ll need some help coping. And honestly, I’m not itching to leave.”

“I thought you’d wanna skip out as soon as possible. Doesn’t Fern miss you?”

She squinted her eyes but didn’t say anything in response. “I’ll miss having you around, Maybank.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’ll still be around. I think your mom will institute Sunday dinners or some shit if I don’t come over regularly.”

Kie chuckled. “She really loves you. Dad does - did, too.” Her voice broke slightly.

“I love them, too,” JJ said, honestly. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before picking up his bags and leaving. Kiara caught her breath as his lips brushed her skin, warmth spreading from where he made contact. Her wide eyes stayed glued to his figure as he loaded up his truck and drove away. 

If normal could be achieved after a year like the Carrera women had experienced, they worked their hardest to achieve it. Anna threw herself into caring for the Wreck and it had the best off-season it had had in years. Kiara wrote songs and worked alongside her mother and even took some online classes. Anna did indeed institute Sunday dinners with JJ and he came to as many of them as he could. Life was slow to move forward, but Kie and Anna kept each other afloat, reminding themselves that Mike wouldn’t have wanted them to sit still crying over him. Step by step they picked up the pieces of their lives. 

Things went along this way for a couple months or so. The world was calming down, but not fully quiet yet - when was the world ever quiet? Kiara never thought she could enjoy the quiet slow life that was the Outer Banks during the off-season, but after the year she’d had, she wanted nothing more than simple domesticity. She said as much during one of their Sunday dinners, enticing a knowing smile from her mother and a surprising lack of eye contact from JJ. She cornered him on the back deck when he’d stepped out to smoke. She was grateful they had regained some of the ease their friendship had carried when they were younger. “Okay, what was that all about?”

He chewed on his lip, twisting his cigarette between his fingers. He’d given up weed a while back when they were traveling, out of necessity, but she was secretly glad he’d never taken it up again. “I’m leaving,” he said abruptly. 

“Leaving? Going where?” 

“Not sure yet. My cousin’s gonna watch the shop for me. Travel the states for a bit until it’s safer to leave the country. Then Mexico? Maybe.”

“When will you be back?” 

He shrugged, “Don’t know. Not for a long time.”

“Why?” Her mouth had gone dry and her words had run out. JJ was a die-hard salt-lifer. He might pack up and leave occasionally, but the Outer Banks was home, where he belonged. She thought that no matter where he went, he’d always end up back here. Home. How could he leave now?

He turned to look at her, urgency and honesty shining in his eyes. “I know he was your dad, and I probably don’t have the right to feel this way, but I…” 

“You lost him, too,” she said, understanding.

“Need a change of scenery.” He shrugged again, putting out his cigarette before walking back inside. 

Kiara understood better than most the need to keep moving, the change of scenery a welcome distraction. Traveling alone left a lot of time to think and soul-search. She didn’t peg JJ as the soul-searching type, but grief changed people; he needed time. She could support him in that.

“You’re going with him, right?” Anna asked sternly as she and her daughter washed dishes that evening. JJ had just left. 

“What?” Kiara nearly dropped the plate she was drying. 

“JJ told me all about his plans. Getting out of here for a while will be good for him!” She waved a hand over her shoulder, dismissing Kiara’s shocked expression. “He talks to me, too, you know? Always has.”

Kiara chuckled lightly, “So even though he and I broke up, he never broke up with y’all?”

“You shouldn’t have broken up with him.”

Kiara’s heart stopped for a moment, as she processed what her mother had said. “What do you mean?” She started slowly. “I thought you didn’t approve of me dating someone from the Cut.”

Anna sighed, setting down a half-washed pan. She turned to her daughter. “Your dad and I always wanted what was best for you. We thought that meant college, a solid career, marrying up. But we realized recently that that is never what life’s about.” She reached out and took Kiara’s hands, tears starting to shine in her eyes. “Your dad was from the Cut. When we first got married, we had nothing except each other but being with him was the best decision I ever made. He made me happy. I think I made him happy, too.”

“You definitely made him happy, Mom. But JJ and I fought all the time, we couldn’t sort things out.”

Anna scoffed, “Your dad and I fought, too. Fights happen, but you have to realize you’re not fighting each other, you’re a team fighting the problem. Once you figure that out, you can work through anything.”

Kiara shook her head, but she had a soft smile on her lips. “Mom, I just don’t know.”

Anna smiled, tearfully. “That is what life’s about. Nobody knows! What really matters is who is there to walk with you in the unknown. Who is there for you when you need them? Through the good and the bad. Your dad was that person for me.” She paused and looked at Kiara meaningfully, “So I’ll ask again: are you going with him?”

She shouldn’t, but while considering all of this somehow she felt freer. Her father had just died, she should still be mourning him, and yet she knew that he wouldn’t want her to wallow - she had to pick herself up. You knew this was coming, she heard his voice in her head. She hoped she would never forget what that voice sounded like. You knew I was going. Now that I’m gone, you’re free to live your life again. Live it, Kiara.

JJ finished buying his ticket for the ferry. It was cold out, more snow on its way. He had some time to kill before loading up his truck, but not much. He double-checked the straps on his luggage in the bed of the truck and was just beginning to contemplate how to pass the time when he heard his name being called. He turned to see Kiara running toward him, backpack bouncing wildly on her back. She was all flushed cheeks and shining eyes and curls tumbling around her shoulders. 

“I broke up with Fern,” her words came out in a rush as she drew near him before he could even greet her. “I broke up with her months ago.”

“O-okay,” JJ replied, heart pounding. A million thoughts ran through his mind. He had just seen Kiara, why hadn’t she mentioned it then? Or before then? Why had she come all the way here to tell him that?

“And I’m coming with you,” she continued. 

“What?” JJ wasn’t one to be lost for words, but he couldn’t say anything else. 

“You make me happy. When the world went to shit you were the one person I wanted to know was safe. You were there for me and my whole family in the darkest few months of our lives and you really cared about us. I don’t care that we fought or that we will fight because being with you makes me happier than I ever thought possible.”

If she was going to say anything else, her words were swallowed up when he kissed her, hands cupping her cold cheeks. “I love you,” he said when she pulled back to breathe. “I never stopped. I didn’t know how to fight for you, how to stay, but I’ll do better. I can be better.”

She pressed another kiss to his lips. “Shut up, we’ll figure it out. We can do it right this time.” 

Sometimes things die. It’s a sad cycle. The brightest fires turn cold and gray. But with time, new sparks can settle in that bed of ash. With care a new fire can start, burning brighter than before. So, even though things sometimes die, sometimes those dead things lead to an even more beautiful beginning.

[pretend-writer]

Separate Ways (Finn Collins x reader)

Requested

Summary: [Based on season 2] Finn goes insane while looking for his friends that were taken from the Dropship while with Bellamy, Murphy and his girlfriend, Y/N. 

Pairing: Finn Collins x reader

Title Reference: Separate Ways x Craig David

Word Count: 1.4k

Warning: swearing, violence, mention of kidnapping

Note: shoutout for @letsmellowjello​ for the request! sorry it took so long, I’ve been busy. Hope you like it! Also another shoutout to @seiraswriting​ for the inspiration behind the fic ♡

✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤

'He has to know where our friends are! He had Clarke's watch!' Finn shouted as he paced back and forth.

'I say we just keep torturing him, he'll talk eventually.' Murphy commented.

Bellamy huffed, 'He's not talking now. What makes you think he'll fess up later?'

After the bloody war with the grounders by the Dropship, our friends were gone. A lot of us were convinced that the grounders may have possibly taken them. Jasper, Monty, Clarke and some of the others disappeared without a trace, or so we thought.

While spying on the grounders at their camp, we saw one of them wearing Clarke's watch around his neck. Knowing that she would never give it up willingly, we were pretty much convinced that the grounders have done something to our friends.

Watching Finn nervously walking around like a lost puppy made me upset, especially because there was nothing I could do to help him ease the pain.

Ever since we've found actual evidence, he's been obsessed with finding them. It was starting to get bad and I was afraid it would get worse.

I walked up to my boyfriend and reached for his hand, trying to calm him down but I could see it was no help. He was still breathing heavily and his eyes were wandering. It scared me to see him like this, I've never seen him act like this before.

'Just take a deep breath, okay? We will figure something out.' I murmured, hoping he'd at least listen to me.

Murphy rolled his eyes, 'Come on. We don't have time for all of that.'

'Shut up, Murphy. I'm worried about our friends but I'm worried about Finn too.'

Finn sighed, 'I'll be fine once we find our friends. And Murphy's right, if we want something out of him we need to try harder.'

'What do you mean harder?' I asked nervously.

'Doing whatever it takes, of course.' He replied without hesitation.

My eyes widened and my heart dropped as I heard those words come out of his mouth. 'Finn, there are other ways we can approach this.'

'How!?' He quickly turned around and yelled as he was in my face. I froze, staring into his eyes and noticing the look in his eyes.

Finn was different; it was different from when he was defending camp or when he was angry when Bellamy bossed him around. The anger in him was deeper than I thought and quite frankly, it started to scare me.

He ignored my stare and approached the grounder that we took hostage. Pulling out his gun, he reloaded it and aimed it at the man.

'Woah, woah. This is crazy Finn. Let's think this through.' Bellamy exclaimed.

'We want to save our friends right? That means we have to do whatever it takes.'

Murphy shrugged. 'It's not like if we do get the answers from him, we're gonna let him flee. He can bring his friends and hunt us down next.'

I turned to Murphy with my brows furrowed, 'Are you kidding me? We're just going to murder him when we don't even have the answer? For all we know, they just looted the Dripship and didn't take our friends.'

Finn chuckled devilishly, 'You really think they just took our things? They've threatened us over and over in the past except now, they've finally got what they wanted; Revenge. Beaides, Murphy is right. We can't let him go.'

'We don't have to do this. There are other ways to solve the issue. We can just trap him here too, you know?' Bellamy said, I've never seen him so serious and less of a dick. For the first time, I actually agreed with him.

'Bellamy's right, Finn. Let me help, maybe we can do something else.' I approached him and grabbed onto his jacket, not knowing that that was a total mistake.

Finn shrugged me off, perhaps a little to hard as the butt of the gun hit me on my forehead. Not expecting such force or even expecting for him to react the way he did, I fell right on my back.

In shock, I was on the floor for a while trying to process what had happened. Finn rushed next to me, kneeling as he reached out for me with tears in his eyes. 'Y/N! I-I'm s-'

'Finn what the fuck! She's bleeding.' Bellamy approached me as well, checking on my wound on my head.

Tears streamed down my face from shock but mostly from disappointment. I lightly mumbled, 'What's wrong with you.'

'I didn't mean this, I'm sorry!' Before Finn tried to grip my hand, I immediately pulled it away.

Was he obsessed and getting high off of torturing this grounder that could possibly be innocent? Or was he genuinely caring for our friends that were gone?

Either way, my boyfriend scared me and I couldn't believe that he went far to where he hurt his own people. His own girlfriend.

With my sleeve, I wiped the blood off of my head. I bit my lip, trying to stop myself from crying as I looked into Finn's eyes. 'I can't believe you.'

While I heard bickering between Murphy, Finn and Bellamy from behind, I left the bunker alone. The person I loved so dearly wasn't the same person I knew from before.

Finn -

As I screamed Y/N's name, I saw her walking away from me and exiting the bunker. I never meant to hurt her, I would never do that to her. The fact I did hurt my heart more than ever.

Bellamy held his hand towards my chest as I tried to chase her outside. 'Let her be for a while, she probably needs space.'

'What do you know about her, huh?' I knew Bellamy meant well but all the rage in me made me yell at him. 'She's my girlfriend and I need to check on her.'

'We're just going to leave good ole dude here?' Murphy pointed at the grounder we were investigating.

'None of that is important right now-' I stopped my thought process, 'I mean it is but Y/N... Y/N.'

Panic rushed all over me, thinking of how her head started bleeding. I did that to my own girlfriend, I mean who does that? I preoccupied myself with finding our friends that I totally forgot the other things in my life that was important.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. 'Can I just- I need to talk to her.'

Murphy and Bellamy looked at each other and back to me. Shrugging, Murphy added. 'I don't see why you shouldn't but if he's dead when you come back it's not my fault.'

Bellamy hit him on his shoulder, 'We're not killing him, at least not yet.'

'So can I go?'

There was silence in the bunker, while Bellamy was in his thoughts. After a while, he sighed. 'Go do what you have to do.'

After getting Bellamy's okay, I quickly left the bunker hoping Y/N was right by but she wasn't. Now more than ever, I feared that something happened to her and it was all my fault.

'Y/N!' I yelled looking everywhere around the forest but there were no signs of her. My eyes started to tear up as I imagined the worst possible things in my head. The guilt grew in me more and more as I searched for her.

'What do you want?' I heard mumbling from under the tree, as she was curled up.

'I wanted to come and tell you that I'm sorry.'

Seeing her like this pained me, mostly because I was the cause of all of this. It should have never been like this, I was supposed to be the one protecting her and not hurting her.

'Please know I never meant to hurt you and I won't do it again.'

She nodded, 'I know.'

I kneeled by her, softly laying my finger on her cut that was still bleeding. 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.'

'It's okay, I know you are.'

'Not it's not okay.' I grabbed onto her hands tightly, looking into her wet eyes. She'd been crying and it was my fault. 'I was trying so hard to look for my friends and I never was a good boyfriend to you in the process.'

'You're doing the right thing, you know? This is really important.'

'But Y/N, you're important to me too. I've been so wrapped up in all of this and forgot to appreciate that you're still with me. I'm truly sorry for that.'

Y/N nodded, wrapping her arms around me for a hug. 'I know it was a mistake. It just... just scared me a little that's all.'

'I'll be careful, okay? I promise, I promise.' I sniffled, wiping my tears away as I gave her a hug back. 'I love you, Y/N.'

[scottybrock]

Some Day - Colby Brock

A/N: Requested by a beautiful anon: “hey! can you do one of Colby and he pranks the reader (his gf) by proposing to her and she see's the camera and does a reverse prank, like Sam did to Kat, Thx!”

Colby grinned at the camera. “What’s up, guys! Colby Brock here,” He nearly tripped over his own feet, almost smacking his head into the wall opposite of him. He stood up, clearing his throat. “Reggie, cut that out,” He muttered under his breath. He beamed at the camera once more. “Today, I’m going to be pranking my beautiful girlfriend.” He raised an eyebrow mock-curiously. “What prank, you may be asking?” He asked rhetorically. A maniacal grin spread across his face. “I’m going to be proposing to her,” He paused. “Not really, but she’ll think that I am. Shoutout to Sam for this idea.” 

He set his camera up in the corner of the living room. It was sitting covertly on his kitchen counter, or so he thought. Colby collapsed down onto his couch, waiting for you to come over. You lived in the same apartment complex of your boyfriend, just on the floor below him.

You and Colby had been dating for almost a year and a half. It was the best year and a half of your life. Colby made you smile when it felt like you never could again. He made you laugh, when you felt like all you wanted to do was cry. He believed in you when it felt like no one else did, and he loved you with all of his heart. He made you feel like you were the most beautiful person in the whole wide world, even when you were just wearing a ratty t-shirt and baggy sweatpants. 

However, it wasn’t just one-sided. The past year and a half was the happiest Colby had been in a while. You made him smile when it felt like he never could again. You were the funniest person he’d ever met, but you were never mean about it. You were sweet and kind, but you weren’t a pushover. Your generosity had no bounds, and you would drop anything to help your friends. You cheered the loudest when he succeeded, and you were there to help him up when he fell. You were so beautiful; the most beautiful person he’d ever met in his life. But what was important was that you were just as beautiful on the inside.

A sharp knock on his door shook him out of his thoughts. “Come in,” He called. The door slowly swung open, revealing a grinning beauty on the other side. “Where’s the food?” You asked, smiling at your boyfriend. Colby laughed, shaking his head in amusement. “It’s on its way, baby,” He replied. It was date night. The two of you preferred when date night was at either his place or yours, so the two of you could just relax, away from public scrutiny. “I swear, you only like date night because we order out,” Colby teased.

“That’s absolutely true,” You agreed, your voice playful. “I only like date night because it’s the one night we’re allowed to pig out.” You paused, looking him up and down. “I suppose the company is alright,” You drawled, smirking at him. Colby laughed, but his expression changed into one of nervousness, one of uncertainty. You kicked off your shoes and walked towards him, your brows furrowing slightly. You placed a gentle hand on his arm, your expression melting into one of concern. “Hey, you alright, Colbs?” You asked. You reached up to cup his face in your hands. “You look a little pale, babe.”

Suddenly, Colby dropped down to one knee. It was your turn to look nervous. “What…” You trailed off when you spotted the camera in the corner of the room. Your lips flattened into a thin line, and you narrowed your eyes at your boyfriend, who didn’t notice the change in your demeanor, because he was fumbling around in his pockets, muttering something about a missing ring. You smirked to yourself, nodding along to your thoughts. Colby wanted to prank you, but what he didn’t know, was that you were going to prank him back, ten times harder. 

Finally, Colby managed to tug the small box containing a rather pretty silver band with a tiny diamond on it. You forced your jaw to drop, staring into your lover’s beautiful blue eyes. “What the fuck are you doing?!” You demanded, your eyes wide with shock. Colby grinned, reaching for your left hand. “Baby,” He began. “You make me so fucking happy. You make me want to be a better person, someone who deserves your love. I’m so in love with you, baby, and I really want you to marry me. I want to be with you, forever.” 

Unbelievably, your eyes watered at his impassioned speech. Even though it was a prank, Colby, surprisingly, was really good with words. You stared down at him, tears leaking out of the corners of your eyes. Hopefully one day, Colby would be the one to do this for real, to propose to you sans camera, just the two of you. You finally found your voice. “...What?” You gasped, tugging your hand out of Colby’s. Your hand immediately felt the loss of contact, and you stifled a whimper at the loss. “Colby…” You murmured, batting your eyelashes at him. “Yeah, I’ll marry you.” 

Colby’s cheeks flushed. He couldn’t wait to do this in a few years, for real. He was going to marry you, he was sure of it. Hearing you say that you wanted to marry him, made his heart practically beat out of his chest. “Really?” He stammered, his bright blue eyes wide with shock. You nodded joyfully, extending your hand for him to take once more. He slid the dainty silver ring onto your finger, his hands shaking as he did so. God, he couldn’t wait to do this for real. 

“Now,” You chirped, your expression bright and lively. “We need to join bank accounts. Also, we should start looking for houses!” Colby opened his mouth to reply, but you cut him off. You tried your hardest not to crack up when you saw how ghostly pale Colby’s face had gotten. “When do you want to have kids?” You asked. Colby’s eyes widened so far, you feared they’d pop straight out of his skull. “I want to be pregnant within the next two years.” You told him eagerly, your lips trembling with suppressed laughter. 

Colby gulped. Loudly. “Uh, baby…” He tried, but you cut him off. “Also, I just want you to know that while I appreciate your effort to prank me,” You pointed at the camera that was not so well hidden on the kitchen counter. “You should probably know that this is a reverse prank, bitch ass!”

Colby’s jaw dropped, his bright blue eyes widening even more. “How the fuck-?!” He cut himself off, shaking his head. “So, you knew it was a prank, this whole time?” He demanded, his lips twitching with held-in laughter. You nodded gleefully. “Saw the camera as soon as you got down on one knee,” You replied smugly. Colby stood up, wrapping an arm around your waist and guiding you to the couch. “I almost shit myself when you started talking about joint bank accounts and houses and kids,” Colby pretended to shudder. You laughed, punching him in the shoulder playfully. “I know,” You cackled. “You looked like you were going to heave.” 

Colby shook his head, his smile never wavering. He stood up to go turn his camera off. Before he could walk away, you grabbed his hand, making him pause in his actions. “I do want that, one day,” You told him, your voice shy and soft. You risked a glance up at him. “With you.” You clarified. 

Colby’s expression brightened, and he dropped back onto the couch next to you. “Yeah,” He agreed. “Me too.” His smile was soft and sweet. “With you.” He tacked on at the end, his smile turning impossibly softer, his pretty blue eyes twinkling at you.

 You beamed back at him. “Some day?” You asked, raising your pinky to him. His gaze fell onto the pretty silver ring that you had yet to take off. His smile widened, and he nodded. He linked his pinky finger with yours, shaking on it. “Some day.” He promised.

[gremlinkweenarchive-blog]

Bad Moon Rising: An Extra Chapter

A/N: Yes folks!! Here is an extra chapter of Bad Moon Rising and it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the story!!! This is just dirty, nasty, filthy smut for a Valentine’s Day present to my one and only, my sugar plum, my duckie, the fire of my loins, my daddy, my everything, -John Mulaney vc- MY WIFE, @langdonsinferno!!!!!!!! A huge shoutout to @sojournmichael for proof reading this for me!! 

Do you need to have read the rest of BMR to get this? Absolutely not! Just know that Michael is a vampire, Jim’s a merman, and Duncan’s a werewolf. There is also an appearance of a certain goddess of love in here ;) 

word count: 4.8 k of pure fucking filth and some fluffy aftercare at the end

warnings:  Blood play, Wax play, Knife play, Impact play, Bondage, Pansexual Group Sex, Bi!Reader, Exhibitionism, Choking, Roleplay and consensual dub con, Degradation, Cum play, Crying kink, Breeding Kink if you squint, everyone getting dommed by Aphrodite, Knotting, and that’s about it!

tag list: @langdonsinferno, @ccodyfern, @americanhorrorstudies, @michael-langdon-owns-my-soul, @codyfernss, @sojournmichael, @langdonsoceaneyes, @lvngdvns, @wroteclassicaly, @michael-langdon-appreciation, @lovelykhaleesiii, @moonagecordelia, @tickled--pinkmoodpoisoning, and @roxytheimmortal

 The whole thing was Duncan's idea. Jim seemed on board for it, Michael seemed hesitant, and it was a chore and a half to convince her to leave for a weekend. 

"But I need to keep the boat running! I need to keep selling!" 

"Darling, you know money is no object for me. Come on, come to Seattle and spend the weekend with us. There's a party that I think you'll really enjoy. There's an old friend that really wants to meet you." 

So eventually, she agreed, but the curiosity as to who this old friend was was definitely a huge motivation. With Duncan's past and him being what he is, this friend could literally be anything and one. It was exciting. 

Now, what this party was was something that she felt like she shouldn't be surprised, yet she still is. A sex party. Of course this is what Duncan convinced everyone to go to. He had also convinced you to have some one on one with this friend, that he swore it would be worth every moment, and that she could finally explore that kink of her's. You know, the roleplay of not wanting it and then caving in and having your world rocked? Yeah, now was the time to explore that for her. 

She was by herself, the boys leaving her for her fantasy. Everyone was wearing masks and it was slightly disorientating, but there was a certain eroticism to it. The anonymity. She was sipping down a glass of a champagne, trying to calm her nerves when she saw it. A flash of a ruby bracelet dangling off a woman's wrist. That was the sign, that was the friend. Her stomach twisted in knots. 

Her eyes scanned from the bracelet up the arm and to the rest of the woman. Her jaw dropped. She was ... possibly the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. She was tall, her long, thick, graceful legs carried her with an inhuman elegance. Her curves were impossibly exaggerated, and while most of her face was obscured, she could see the most attractive and full lips pouting from under the mask. Blonde hair curled like water down her back, framing her features perfectly. She made her way towards her. 

She gulped as the other woman took a seat besides her. "What's a pretty little thing doing here by yourself?" 

It was harrowing. She was tongue tied looking at this woman. "I- I- uh, I'm not alone. My boyfriends are here." 

Her eyes quirked, as if she didn't know that, "Oh? Boyfriends? Managed to wrangle yourself multiple? That's impressive, but I have to ask, no girlfriend or girlfriends?" 

She shook her head and the other leaned in, "Would you like one?" 

Her mind went blank. She knew what Duncan had planned, she was all on board for this kink, but how in the world wide fuck was she supposed to act like she didn't want this. "I don't think they'd appreciate it if I hooked up with someone behind their back," she managed to choke out. 

The other just let out a small tsk. "Honey, I don't see them anywhere," the other's hand fell to her knee, "Plus, there's so many people here, I don't think they'd even catch us." 

This woman's voice was like honey dripping on her ears and she was already getting light headed with arousal. "I still feel wrong ab-" she was cut off as the other's hand started trailing up her leg, and just for the sake of the game, she clamped her legs shut around her hand. 

"Oh sweet girl, maybe I can convince you otherwise," the other smiled sweetly. She flipped up the long part of her asymmetrical skirt to loosen something. The other woman was pulling an elegant knife to hold hold against her throat in a loose short of threat. "How does this work?" 

All she could do was open her legs for the other's hand to work her way up to tease her bare core.

"Hmmm, acting all innocent while at a party like this, and not wearing any panties." The other leaned to press her against the couch, "You can drop the act, little girl. We all know what type of slut you are." 

Her folds were already wet, and the other had no problem slipping two fingers into her, curling them expertly to hit that spot inside of her. 

"You let three men fuck you all at once, and not just human males, but two hot blooded creatures who half the time just want to fill your empty womb with their seed, and the other just wants to drain you of all your blood. Tell me, how does it feel to have one stretching your cunt, and your ass, and your throat all at once?" The other's fingers were working her even harder, building a rhythm of fucking, then just curling, massaging her g-spot. Her brain short circuited for a moment. 

Then, the other's fingers were pulling out of her, the knife was pressed against her throat harder, and a sharp pain emanated when the other's hand came to slap down on her pussy. "I asked you a question, slut." 

A gasp escaped her throat, god this was everything she could ever ask for. "It's so much," she panted out, "It hurts, but the stretch is so good, they use me up, sometimes by the end of it, I'm crying, but they're always so sweet after we're done." 

The other's hand resumed her rhythm and the knife was lowered slightly. "That's a good little slut. Letting others use you for their pleasure past the point of it hurting you." The other's thumb started rubbing circles on her clit, making her back arch, her breathing turning into pants. 

"I've barely even touched you and you're already a mewling mess, no wonder how you managed to capture the attention of all those beasts." The other's knife dragged down her skin, leaving a trail of irritated skin in its wake. When the blade got to the fabric, with a simple flick of the other's wrist, it was shredding the fabric of her dress. This is when she became intimately aware of the other people watching them, clearly enraptured with such a display. She was naked for their eyes, and there was nothing she could do about it. 

It was too much, too much the hand working what felt like literal magic on her and the eyes devouring her helpless frame, offering no help and just watching her be taken by this woman, all happening at once, and without much warning, a hurried and small orgasm wracked her body. It took her by surprise, but she knew there was going to be a punishment from this woman. 

The other woman let out an amused hum, but she could see the anger in her eyes. "Did you just cum without permission, little slut?" All she could answer with was a weak nod. 

She felt herself get yanked onto the other's lap and flipped around, ass up in the air across the other's lap. The other took the ruined scraps of her dress and ripped long strips off as to tie her arms behind her back. The restraints started at her wrists and went up the entire length of her forearms, keeping her totally bound. "So, this little slut thinks she can just take any orgasm she wants? Like her body doesn't belong to any higher being than her lowly little human self? Hmm? You're a human fuck toy for us to play with, don't forget it." She ran her hand down the flesh of her ass as if deciding something, "Count for every hit, and you will thank me after every two hits." 

Great, something that required thinking. This woman definitely knew what she was doing. She knew how to play the game. 

The first hit was a jolt to her system, but she managed to squeak out a one, and when the next, a breathy, "Two. Thank you." Came out. Okay, all she had to do was keep that in mind. With the even numbers, say thank you. Slick was already gathering at the apex of her thighs, but it was starting to creep down, the slick creating thin lines when her legs separated in response to the hits. Her cunt was practically begging to be touched at this point. 

Fifteen. Fifteen smacks to each side of her ass, and she was shaking at this point. If there was one more hit, she might have cum on the other's legs right there. It hurt to move, but the other woman was rubbing soothing circles into her skin. A hum escaped the other's mouth. "No wonder why they're all falling over you. You take everything one is willing to give you, and you still practically beg for more, pain or pleasure. Here, little one." The other  was a bit softer now as her hands pushed her forward, face down and ass up, and off of her lap. 

The other splayed her open and her tongue dug in, tantalizing licks to her outer lips before working her way in. Teasing licks to her clit, swipes over her entrance before lips wrapped around her clit, sucking with just the right pressure to make her see stars. She was practically screaming into the couch cushions, giving the others quite a show. 

Something, seemed familiar though? The technique? The way her lips and tongue worked against her felt familiar. It dawned on the human. It was the same technique that Michael and Duncan used anytime they went down on her. The same moves that made her forget her own name, the ones that drove her over the edge again and again, but somehow better. Inhuman. Even more so than her two lovers. It clicked. They both learned from the same woman, the one only one that made sense that she could fuck someone better than them. It was Aphrodite. The Goddess of Love was currently working her cunt and she knew that she wasn't going to last long. 

"Oh god, Aphrodite, I'm going to cum," she moaned loudly, and the goddess grinned. 

"Look at you, little girl," she teased as she spoken against her cunt, sending small shock waves through her body. "How clever of you, to figure out who I am. For that, you get to cum." Her mouth went back to working her core, making delicious moans fall out of the human, not caring who saw her at this point. The whole room was looking at her, and she cautioned a glance, seeing how many people were touching themselves at the sight of her. It was enough that she was spasming against Aphrodite's mouth, earning a smirk from her. 

The girl was exhausted now, but Aphrodite didn't care about that. The night was young, and she still had much to experience. The goddess rose, sheathing her expensive knife, and easily picked her up, throwing her over her shoulder, and strolling casually to one of the rooms. She was tired, and with her arms bound, there wasn't much for her to do but to accept this. She looked like some spoils of war that Aphrodite was taking just to ravish her more in private. 

She was tossed on the bed and Aphrodite smiled down at her, brushing her hair out of her face. "Oh you pretty little thing. What did those idiots do to deserve you?" 

She was pulling her dress off now, and the sight was nearly blinding with how perfect she was. Thick thighs, luscious curves, she smooth skin. It made her shrink a little in her spot on the bed. Aphrodite noticed his and there was a soft smile on her lips. 

"My darling," she purred as she got on the bed and crawled up the length of her body, "You are perfect the way you are. If I wasn't enraptured with your beauty," Aphrodite stroked her cheek softly, "I wouldn't have been begging for an audience with you. Never doubt your beauty." Their lips met in a soft moment, her lips being the softest things she had ever felt in her life. She was weak and she needed more. 

Aphrodite giggled as the girl nipped her lips. "Oh, darling, there is plenty of time to get rough tonight, take your time." She kissed the other's neck slowly, letting the heat sink into the other. Her lips were soft, so soft, it felt like clouds were caressing her neck, before teeth came came down suddenly on the sensitive skin. She kissed her way up to murmur in her ear, "It's all about the contrast." 

With that, the goddess continued to move up the bed until she placed a thigh on with side of her face, the goddess's divine cunt just mere inches above her face. "Now, you be a good little slut for me, and make mommy cum. How well you do now effects how much you get treated later when your other lovers come to visit us." With that, Aphrodite lowered herself down on her face. 

Her tongue immediately starts going to work, emulating what she's learned from Michael, Duncan, and the goddess currently riding her face. She earns a pleased moan. "That's it, what a perfect little slut you are. You've been paying attention." She starts sucking on Aphrodite's clit and she can feel the goddess start to back against her face. 

She gets lost in the sensation, just licking and sucking. Her lover tastes as divine as one would expect her to. The only thing that matters to her right now is to keep the woman above her moaning as sweetly as she is. Feeling the thick fingers tease at her entrance makes her jump, and she can hear Duncan's laughter. 

"Your lover's mouth is completely wasted on your cocks," Aphrodite pants out, a teasing grin on her face. 

"Well, you've never had your cock down her throat so I think we can just agree to disagree there, darling," Duncan muses before meeting her mouth in a passionate kiss. There are hands over the girl's skin and soft kisses trailing down her thighs. Michael. 

Duncan's lips moved down to take one of Aphrodite's nipples into his mouth. She moaned loudly before she looked at the fourth member of this relationship. "And you must be Jim, come here darling," she moaned as Duncan bit her, "Let me get a look at you." 

The look quickly turned into a heated kiss. She started sucking on Aphrodite's clit, feeling how close her body was to cumming. Suddenly, Michael bit down into her thigh to drink from her femoral artery. She groaned harshly into the goddess's cunt, being the final thing that she needed to push her over. She was grinding her hips into her face, riding out her orgasm. 

Michael was content, taking large gulps in time with her heart beat. Her hands released from Aphrodite's hips and went to Michael's hair to pull him closer. There was something terribly erotic about having Michael feed from her. His mouth finally released from her leg when she was starting to get light headed. 

Before he could even lick his lips, Aphrodite was pulling him into a kiss. She moaned at the taste of blood on his tongue. The blood smeared as their lips worked together, taking time to relish in the taste on both of their mouths. Their tongues worked in a lazy battle of dominance, neither one caring in particular who came out on top. 

When they broke apart, they both licked their lips. 

"Oh, my sweet," Aphrodite spoke to her, "Every single part of you is absolutely delicious. I'm surprised you aren't one of my creations." That earned a bright red blush. 

Jim was laying by her side, pulling her into a kiss before she could react. She smiled and melted into the kiss, allowing Jim to pull her on top of him. Her hips started grinding into him, and he pulled down the briefs that were keeping him modest, already ridged and ready for her. There was no need for any foreplay by now. 

She hurried to sink herself on Jim's cock, both of them groaning at the slow motion. It wasn't long though, before Jim was snapping his hips up and she was meeting every single thrust, both of them letting their moans drip deliciously from their mouths. 

Aphrodite sighed, watching the pair of lovers, "Isn't it just beautiful?" She mused. 

"I could think of a few other beautiful things that we could do," Duncan murmured, leaning in for a kiss. 

She stopped him with a hand on her throat. "Did I say you could touch me, Wolf Pup?" She squeezed slightly and as her eyes turned to him to see him melting at the contact. She squeezed harder. 

"What do you think, Kitten?" her eyes shifted to Michael, "I ride him until he sees stars and you fuck that pretty little mouth of his since he's so fond of running it?" 

Michael smiled, "I think that sounds like a fantastic idea, Goddess." 

She smiled as she pushed Duncan down to the mattress. Michael took his position straddling his shoulders and yanking on his hair so his mouth was right against his cock, and as much as Duncan hated being in this position, he was gladly taking Michael's cock, lavishing the hand with languid licks while looking up through his lashes at Michael. It was such a beautiful sight, but Michael wanted to see tears falling from his eyes. He pulled Duncan's head forward roughly, and he gladly took Michael's length, cheeks hollowing out as he sucked and bobbed his head up and down the length. He moaned loudly feeling Aphrodite mounting him. She wasted no time, bouncing up and down on his cock. Jim couldn't help but watch the sight as the human girl kissed on his neck. 

It was cute to watch Duncan work his mouth over him, but Michael definitely needed more. He started thrusting into his mouth, making him moan and then gag as Michael hit the back of this throat, but he didn't care. He pushed right past Duncan's gag reflex and to his throat. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes, from the brutal fucking of his throat and the fast pace that Aphrodite was taking, but he didn't break eye contact with Michael, letting him see the fucked out expression on his face.

"You're such a pretty bitch, Duncan." Michael gloated, earning a whine from the other man, making Michael moan as it reverberated around his cock. Aphrodite was panting, always loving the feeling of Duncan stretching her. He was such an exceptional fit for her. 

The tears spilt over and were running down Duncan's cheeks now, and that's all it took for Michael to cum down his throat, leaving Duncan no other option but to swallow it all up. Michael pulled out of his mouth with a pop and leaned down, licking the tears off of Duncan's face, groaning at the salty taste. 

Michael got off of him to turn his attention to the other two.

Duncan looked at Aphrodite, and she smirked, feeling a certain part of him starting to expand. "My my, Duncan. Are trying to knot me because it's close to your rut or is it just being in my presence?" She taunted him, she knew the answer. Being in her presence brought out the most animalistic aspects of people out. Evidence being the way Duncan's cock was swelling even though he was definitely too far out from his rut for that or by the way Jim just bit at the human's collar bone with his sharp teeth, drawing blood and Michael was immediately latching on to drink from the wound. 

An idea came to her mind, "Has Y/N taken your knot?" and he shook his head. 

She grabbed his cock just at the top of his knot and she lifted herself off, making me cry out in frustration. "Save it for your little human slut. I want to see her take her first knot. I want you to fill up her pretty little womb. See if you can make it swell." All he could do was whine in agreement, just the thought of that had his cock twitching dangerously close. 

Jim was almost done with her now, he had her on her back now as his hips pistoned in and out of her, Michael as still sucking on her collarbone and his hand was in between the two, rubbing circles on her clit. With a desperate shout, she came undone, her pussy tightening around Jim's length, milking his release. 

They were panting, but Aphrodite gently pulled Jim from her, she had plans for this little girl. Her head lowered between her legs, tongue tasting her used pussy and Jim's cum, making the other call out loudly, still being so sensitive. She collected as much of the merman's essence on her tongue as she could and she crawled up to the other's mouth. 

The men all stared, enraptured as Aphrodite slipped Jim's cum into her mouth, their tongues tangled together, the cum being shared between them. She moaned deeply, tasting Aphrodite, herself, her blood, and Jim all in one. The sticky cum lubricated their kiss and some ran down both of their chins. Aphrodite broke the kiss and a thin string of the cum kept them connect as they both looked over at the boys, all of them staring with wide open mouths. 

Aphrodite crawled behind her and got herself situated at the headboard of the bed and pulled the girl against her by her neck, letting her grip tighten a bit, letting her know this wasn't an option, between her legs. Her back was flushed against the goddess's chest and the goddess used her legs to spread the other's keeping them trapped open with an iron like hold over her. She whined, she was so sensitive, but with her arms still bound behind her back, there wasn't much that she could do. 

"Duncan, dear. Come here. You know what I want you to do," the goddess hummed, and she was getting a little nervous at the words, but Aphrodite just stroked her hair, "It'll be okay, little one. You'll be cumming harder than you ever had. Just relax." 

Jim and Michael realized that they were own their own for this, which they quickly were on each other, wrestling with each other. Being in the goddess's presence had awoken something in Jim, easily pinning Michael to the bed as his teeth were pressing on Michael's throat, threatening damage if Michael moved too much. Michael relaxed into his hold and Jim gingerly let his throat go. This was not the same Jim that Michael was used to and he found himself spreading his legs for him. 

Duncan had crawled up her length, pressing kisses into her neck as he pulled her down just a bit to get a better angle to fuck her in. Aphrodite leaned over to the bedside table to pick up one of the candles lighting the room. With an amused sigh, she poured some of the hot wax that had collected down Duncan's back, right as he was preparing to enter the other, making him gasp and his hips to jet forward, taking her much rougher than he had intended to, but it just earned a languid moan from the girl. 

The little break gave Duncan a chance to relax, to collect himself a bit, but he was quickly snapping his hips into her, not giving her a moment to breathe. Aphrodite poured some of the wax down her chest, watching the girl twist in agony and pleasure. She poured a bit of the wax on each of her nipples, relishing in the high pitched squeals she let out. Then the goddess was rolling each one to watch the wax crack as soon as it was dry. 

With each administration from Aphrodite, her cunt was clentching down on Duncan, and he had no idea how long he could last. He looked over once he felt a hand hit his arm and then grab onto him. Michael had his ass up, head tossed back as Jim rutted into him. Jim had his teeth sunk into Michael's flesh, deep black blood running down his chest onto the blanket. He was holding onto Duncan for a life line, something to keep him grounded in reality. It just served to make Duncan harder, his knot starting to inflate. 

She tensed underneath him, not sure what that sensation is. "Just relax," Aphrodite cooed as a hand came down to rub her clit. 

Duncan growled loudly, and it wasn't just a normal growl, it was deep and animalistic, the sound that came from his throat when he was in wolf form. Her anxiety sky rocketed and she felt his sharp, inhuman teeth, nip at her neck, a warning to stay in the same place. It was like both Jim and Duncan were feeling symptoms of their ruts in the presence of the goddess, and Aphrodite was absolutely delighted. 

The knot was starting to catch, and Duncan's pants and thrusts were becoming erratic. It hurt, but it was making her toes curl. "That's it baby girl," Aphrodite cooed, "Take his knot. Take all of his cum. Let him fill that pretty cunt of yours, and if any luck, he'll even be filling your womb." 

Shock filled her system and she was about to say something, his knot? What the hell was she talking about? What did that mean? 

Then she felt it. He thrusted into her with one last loud growl into her ear and she felt what was catching on her entrance pushing into her, expanding painfully. It hurt, but the stimulation had her head reeling. Aphrodite slapped her clit, harshly for good measure, and she was screaming and spasming around Duncan's knot, though there was barely any room for her cunt to even twitch. It was blissful agony. Tears sprung to her eyes, but Aphrodite was quick to kiss them away. There was the dull ache between her legs as she felt his cock twitching, releasing torrents of cum into her. This was more than she was ever used to from him. She whimpered. 

"It's okay darling, just accept it," Aphrodite cooed as she massaged her breast, making her keen at the feeling. Duncan was panting heavily, resting his body weight against the two women, but he left lazy and soft kisses on her skin. She whimpered with every moment from him, so he made a conscious effort not to move his hips at all. 

The sound of Michael and Jim groaning loudly caught all of their attention as both of them came. Michael collapsed in a pool of his own cum, but he could hardly care. All of them had blown pupils and they were all slowly trying to recover. Jim got off of Michael, the both of them groaning again, softly this time. 

They both scooted up to lay closer to the other three. Michael studied how they were laying, confused for a moment before it clicked. "Jesus Christ, Duncan, did you knot her?" He asked, a little perturbed, many concerned with her safety and comfort. 

Aphrodite smiled softly, "Oh Michael, you are so protective," she stroked his cheek and he softened a little, "I told him to do it. I know she could take it. Couldn't you, darling?" She asked softly. "I couldn't help myself, I wanted to see her take a knot for the first time." 

She nodded in response. 

"How are you feeling?" Jim asked as he laid his head on top of Michael's arm so he could watch everything happening. 

"Really full," she groaned with a bit a laugh, and everyone either smiled or chuckled. 

Duncan gently kissed her on the lips, "You sweet girl," he murmured, "You took all of me." His voice reflected his wonder at this girl. 

"You have quite the amazing lover here, boys," Aphrodite smiled as she started playing with her hair. 

The pressure was starting to lessen and with a light tug, Duncan pulled free with a pop, making her moan as she felt a flood of cum fall from her. The other's eyed her hungrily, but they all kept themselves back, knowing she needed time to recover. 

Duncan climbed off of her and let the two women join Michael and Jim before he took up his position behind Aphrodite, holding her close. Aphrodite easily ripped the fabric that was still holding her arms back. She was snuggled safely between Michael and Aphrodite, she felt both Jim and Duncan's hands coming to her, caressing her gently. Jim nuzzled his face into Michael's neck and he sighed happily. With these sweaty and hot bodies, for a moment, just a moment, he could pretend he shared their warmth. 

"Well, I suggest we all rest up," Aphrodite gave the human woman a playful smirk, "Before round two."

[ikemen-lover159]

Nightmare for two

Suitor: Edgar X Reader

Genre: angst (I’m not sure what you would call this to be honest)

Warnings: Sugestive themes, slight spoilers for Edgar’s route

I would like to shoutout @shionsetsuna for helping me with this idea and for the support she had been giving me behind the scenes.

It had been 30 days since you left Cradle for The Land of Reason and tonight you were going back when the full moon rises at it’s peak.

You came back to the Land of Reason for one purpose and that was to clear up with everyone saying you where moving to a different country for a job opportunity. That meant you could say your goodbyes to everyone and it would also explain the lack of communication.

Walking back from the confectionary store you worked at you make close eye with the moon. Every few seconds you would look up into the glimmering rays of moonlight shining down on you. At that moment all you could think about was your boyfriend Edgar standing on the other side. Moonlight hitting his features at the right angle making him even more beautiful not that he wasn’t already of course.

While not looking where you were going for a spit seconds you ran head first into someone.

Before you could fall head over heals, two firm hands grabbed you by the waist and hauled you back up. Looking up to see who caught you, you find a young man around is early to mid 20’s with mousse blonde hair.

His eyes where a shade of chocolate brown that you had never seen before. They looked so cold as if they could see through you.

“Are you alright miss?” The young man spoke with caution considering that he was holding you against his chest but there was no sense of sympathy or worry like he really didn’t care if I was or not.

“Um... I’m alright” But to be really honest when you fell you think you might have sprained your ankle or worse.

Trying to pull away the man tighten his grip on you.

Yelping out in pain the man slowly loosened his grip again. Though is was still forceful enough to keep you in place. As the seconds when by you became more and more concerned about many things. Especially the part about getting to the hole in time. Looking back up at the sky you could see the moon was nearly at its peak so you decide to speak up.

“Um sir I don’t know if you know but I have places to be and very soon in fact. So um could you please let go of me?” Tilting his head down look you in the eye you could see the reflection of the glowing moon hovering at full peak. “Now why would I let you go darling? This is where you belong isn’t it? Because I believe a young lady like you should have no business with the foul blood stained Jack of Hearts.”

Your heart sunk as the words suddenly absorbed into your mind. His knew where you were going. He knew Cradle. He knew Edgar and most importantly he knew who you were and a even more chilling thought would be the fact he would have been following you for sometime now. What was he going to do? A cold sweat broke out on your face and your heart started to beat rapidly as the situation started to sink in. He was not going to let you go. He was going to kidnap you and Edgar wouldn’t know what happened to you.

Thinking about what you could do your survival instincts kicked in. You bit down on his hand which leaves you a few seconds to get out of his hold. As you start to run for the portal a stabbing pain shoots up your leg. Looking down, blood can be seen running down your leg. Deciding to ignore it and the pain that came with it you kept on going. From behind you could hear him running after you shouting things like ‘you can’t run’ and ‘your dead when I catch you’ but before you could hear the next thing he said, the ground below you gave and you started falling. Falling back to Cradle.

Cradle

Pacing around the gardens on top of the civic centre was a very nervous Edgar. It was the first time anyone from either side of the Army’s had seen him this nervous and yet delicate nearly fragile. If anyone said anything about you he would get very agitated. The way he looked at things was if you were hurt or something happened to you because he wasn’t there he would never let it go. It would haunt him for the rest of his life just like the many souls of the people he killed for his uncle. He would probably try to find the culprit and then kill them but of course none of his friends or you would let him.

“Stop pacing around your going to make me puke everywhere!” From the table sat a very proud Queen of Hearts. He was obviously the one to start complaining first.

“Jonah learn some respect” Lancelot understood why he was pacing around so he decided to call Jonah out as he probably wouldn’t listen to someone else. Well unless it was Luka of course.

“Oh! Yes my King! How rude of me” though he did stop complaining Edgar could tell he still wanted to complain about lots of things.

Edgar looked back up to the sky and could see the full moon at its peak. Where was she? Maybe she’s running late? From the distance Zero walked over. “You know I bet she’s only running late. That’s all.” Zero tried his best to comfort his mentor. Though the two had a different kind of friendship they did care about each other and this was one of those moments where anyone could tell.

Then out of nowhere there was a scream. Looking up to the sky Edgar could see you falling fast toward the ground.

Running over to catch you. He had sweat dripping off his face. He was so worried about you and he couldn’t wait to talk to you.

Finally you fell into his arms sending you both to the ground with a thud. But something was off you continued to cry as if you where in pain. Eyes sparkled with concern. “Are you ok? What’s wrong?!”

By this stage the rest of the Red Army leaders understood the situation and came running over.

“Edgar!” Through sobs you threw you r arms around your beloved. “There was a man... and” but before you could finished Edgar cut in with a serious tone. “What man? Did he hurt you?”

Nodding all the the men around you look up in concern and worry as they don’t know what to expect. “Ahhh my ankle hurts so bad.” Coming back to your senses you realised how painful your ankle and thigh was.

As if was a calling Kyle got up and rushed to his medical bag and came back. Only then everyone could see the blood on her, the skirt and now the ground.

“What happened to you?” Face now serious Edgar holds his love tighter to show that he has you and no one will hurt you as you are in his arms.

“A man young man from the Land of Reason did this. H-he tried to kidnap me.” You cried as you launched your face into his comforting chest. You could hear his heart start racing. Though you couldn’t tell what from exactly. So you decide to continue with the story. “He grabbed me and in the shock I must have not realised that he attacked me”

Everyone stood there shocked by what they were hearing. They couldn’t believe she was nearly kidnapped.

“A-and he knew where I was going and y-you!!” Now gasping for breath you cried harder than ever. Not even your family back in the Land of Reason had ever seen you cry this much.

“It’s ok Sweetheart I have you now and no one is ever going to hurt you again.”

He held you the whole time while Kyle fixed your wound up so you could travel back to the Red Army Headquarters.

If you guys would like a alternative ending please let me know!!

[musiiki]

THIRD YEAR IS DONE.

OH my gosh guuuuuyyyys it’s been a mad four months since I’ve last posted. How are we all? Firstly, I’m gonna touch on my last post because sis I was going through it! Shortly after that post I finally started seeing a psychologist. I have my tenth session in early December and over the last few months the improvement has been LITERALLY life changing (surprising, huh?), my phobia is completely manageable now. I very rarely have random anxiety attacks about sensations in my stomach, I almost never think about best before dates or possibility of me getting sick from eating something and I don’t have meltdowns when I’m hungover! My focus has been so much better, I enjoy practicing at uni and I even enjoy being there sometimes! I have been training myself in the art of mindfulness and teaching myself how not to fall into dangerous thinking traps around practice. Thoughts like ‘I need/have to practice today or else’ have gone completely out the window. If I open my case and feel blocked, it’s fine! I’ll stay for a small while and if I can’t work out of the headspace, I’ll pack up and leave. Maybe I’ll feel better at home or somewhere else. The practice I intended to do will get done in due time. I’m also working on not beating myself up for not practicing for 3+ hours. Quite often I’ll practice for 2-2.5. Was the practice effective/efficient? Did I achieve my goals for the session? Have I improved my target areas? Most importantly, did I enjoy myself? Generally, most if not all of these are yes. If they are no, then it’s fine. We have good and bad days. I’m also allowing myself one entire day off from the viola per week. Sometimes this is harder to achieve in busy periods but I think a full 24hrs away from the instrument does wonders for the mind (and body!).  

So basically, I’ve reworked my thinking patterns so they are positively reinforced, and I try my absolute best not to beat myself up or feel guilty over not practicing ‘enough’. In doing this, I’ve managed to work out how to stay out of the drama, politics and all the other miserable bullshit. I now know when to stop caring, and I know to remove myself from a situation if a particular person or group are being toxic. Tackling that Libra FOMO am I right?

So all of these things combined thanks to my psychologist, and also my boyfriend for reinforcing and encouraging literally everything she says has allowed me to truly shine as the violist I want to be. I have been given so many wonderful (sometimes accidental) opportunities and have seized all of them. I was successful with my audition for the AYO National Music Camp, received my first high distinction for performance, was placed in the front desk for the Mahler 8 concert for Con (it was INCREDIBLE JOHANNES IS THE BEEESSSSTTT) and placed as Viola 3 for QYS next year! 

Oh, also, I got a job?! A Grill’d opened up down the road from my house and they decided to hire me. Love that. My workmates are absolute fire. Best workplace I’ve ever experienced.

Amongst the successes though, there have been some speed bumps. The biggest one being when the scroll snapped off my viola after falling over IN ITS CASE. So that was truly heartbreaking, I cried for hours and couldn’t sleep that night - biggest shoutout ever to Davis I don’t know how much snot and tears his clothes have absorbed over the past year lmao I am so messy when I cry - but after a month, the wonderful Excalibur was repaired and returned to me in mint condition. While he was in repair, I went back to my old friend Arthur (pictured below) who my teacher kindly lended to me. I did my QYS audition and recital with this instrument and obviously it did not detract from my results. It was pretty awesome to realise how well I really know that instrument after playing on it for the later half of last year. 

In my last post, I said I would endeavour to change the way I “think about myself, both as a human and a musician, find a way to let the politics and all the other con trash wash over me, and hone in on why I’m here in the first place.” I definitely think I am well on the way. I fully intend to smash my final year. 

Just a side note: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE speak to a professional if you are struggling with your mental health! It doesn’t matter how big or small you think the issue is! It is so easy to get a mental health plan from a GP and start seeing someone. Please. I hate all this ‘ooo my anxiety did this today,’ ‘my anxiety has been so bad lately,’ ‘I’ve been too anxious/depressed to practice,’ GO AND SEE SOMEONE. Your mental health affects you AND your relationships. Suffering from mental health issues is incredibly exhausting and so difficult but it is so so so fixable! Please. I have no idea how the rest of my year would have turned out if I didn’t start seeing a psychologist. Don’t give up on yourself. 

[donutcryforme]

the break-up, pt. 1

Below the cut is the log from our lil’ kik chat yesterday, because kik likes to eat old posts and i like to hoard. I don’t have all of the texts leading up to this, but here’s the para. Shoutout for @justalostindie and @wastedsxns for ripping my heart out when I was supposed to be packing  💖💖  

***

Scott knocks at the door. His hair is damp and he still smells like the ocean, but he’s in dry clothes. ( He isn’t sure what attire one wears to be broken up with, so he wears a button-up and jeans, like he’s about to go on a date ).

Lacey didn’t want to answer the door, but Scott had demanded to be spoken to, so here she was. Wearing lower cut shirt and skinny jeans she pulled the door open. Her eyes were red and her clothes were scrunched.

He hates how hot she looks when she opens the door. He’s supposed to be mad at her, but damn she looks good. And he didn’t know girls could look like that after they’ve been crying, but boy was he wrong. “Hey. You look nice. Going somewhere?” A quick, additional glance at her body, the way the fabric hugs her curves, the red-rimmed eyes: a snapshot in his mind for the mental scrapbook he’s been binding. “Can I come in?”

“I had work,” she mumbled, stepping back from the door without looking up. If she looked at him, her resolve would leave and she knew that. Especially when he might actually look like a sad puppy. “That’s why you came, isnt it? Close the door behind you.” She walked further into the apartment.

“Yeah,” he says. “It is.” He closes the door behind him. “I was hoping we could talk–you know, mano to mano. Or, womano to mano.” He’s stalling; he knows it. He came all this way to talk to her, and now that he has her in front of him, he’s tongue-tied. All the times he’s tried to talk, the words have always come out jumbled, and now he’s at bat with two strikes and he’s afraid this will be his last. For once, he’s glad she’s not looking at him. “I want to talk, about everything you said to me today. Everything that got us here.”

When he rambled, she did look up. Somehow, Lacey managed to keep her expression plain, bored if you would. Why was he doing this? “Yeah,” she muttered in response. “Ok,” again, she didn’t know what exactly she was supposed to reply with. “You were upset that I wasn’t letting you speak. So…speak.”

Last chance. He’s up at bat and he’s jittery. He thought about what to say on the drive over, but it all disappeared when he walked through the door, so he picks one of the jarbled thoughts in his mind and starts with that. “I know I created a mess. From the start, you were never in a good situation. I did that, I know. And it’s been three years,” a sardonic, incredulous chuckle escapes him in a breath, “and it’s STILL haunting me. I can’t go back in time, and I can’t fix that. I know Harper still hounds you about it sometimes, but most of the time I forget … that things are probably still awkward for you, even now.” He glances down and suddenly finds her rug very interesting. First sign of a confession: he’s uncomfortable. “I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know how to fix ANY of this. I don’t know what to do.” She’s silent; he runs a hand through his hair and keeps talking. “I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me. I want us to work this out.” He feels a little more confident now–he has a plan of attack. “I want to shoot down, everything single you said today, one by one, and prove you wrong. Or prove you right.”

She was silent the whole time he spoke, shocking herself when the tears did not come. “You created a mess and I’m paying for it,” she pointed out. “I’m the homewrecker, I’m the slut, I’m the one that fucked everything up,” Lacey whispered. “Its awkward because I’m the one being guilt tripped and when he’s saying it, you’re not there. Then when you are, you back him up. It feels like you still want him. You both do,” a shaky sigh came from her lips. “I love you, I do, but…i can’t keep losing to alcohol, and the frat. You calling what I want for my life, shitty…it shows you don’t listen to me and I’m naked and the words coming from my lips are harder, faster, or don’t stop. Because marrying you is not all I want, it was part of it, but you don’t know the other part…so I’m not sure I should want you in any part of it.”

1-2, Pow.  Maybe he’s not at a baseball game. Maybe it’s a boxing match, and she’s tearing him a new one. He likes to think they’re on the same team, but if she needs to let some aggression out, then that’s okay. He’ll be her boxer. “It’s not your fault,” he said softly. “It never was. You didn’t know.” Ten minutes in and this isn’t getting any easier. “Harper likes to forget that we weren’t happy. Likes to forget that we argued all the time, that things were just bad. I think… I think he likes to forget all that, and place the blame on you. And that’s not right. I need to be better about telling him that. He never knows when to back off.” Then the guilt comes, because just like Harper, he likes having some place else to place the blame. “You’re not second place. And I didn’t mean it like that.” He tries to keep Scarlet’s words in the back of his mind. “I just meant that you should dream bigger. Don’t think about marrying me. Think about seeing the world. Lacey, you’re so smart. You could do anything you want. Don’t want that. Marriage ruins people. I don’t want that for you, and I don’t want that for me.”

“He forgets and you let him by letting him blame me,” she looked up at him and locked eyes for the first time since he got here. “You let him call me those things and beat me over the head when I fight back. You let him basically tell him that he wins.” “I don’t want to just marry you. I want to start a business I want to do a lot of things, but I want you there with me,” she shook her head. “You don’t want to get married but you expect me to stick around. I’m supposed to love you with the thought that one day you get bored of me and you can just go and do to me what you did Harper,” she took another deep breath. “I don’t want to get married now, or even in three years, but I want it.”

Scott runs a hand through his hair again, a slow breath passing through his lips. There’s a lot of points he wants to tackle, but her eyes–fierce and determined on his–are distracting, and demanding for answers that he doesn’t have. She’s challenging him more than he ever expected. He isn’t ready. “Harper always wins,” he groans. “That was one of the problems. There were so many problems, Lacey. I didn’t just wake up and get bored one day.” His gaze falls, pulled down by guilt. Well, yeah… “I like what we have now,” he says slowly. “It’s nice. With him, everything was a battle. But with us it’s easy–or so I thought.” He clenches and releases his fists at his sides, wishing he had a stress ball, something to squeeze until he felt in control again. “Lacey, I can’t give you a guarantee.” The words are pulled reluctantly from between his teeth. “Just like I can’t expect one from you. I don’t want to get married. I never have. It’s not that I’m ‘immature,’ or that I want to fuck around, or whatever. I just don’t. It’s a bad idea. And had I known you would be expecting me to marry you that night–” He knows better than to finish that sentence. Instead, he crosses his arms over his chest. “I love you, Lacey. And I’m serious about that. But I didn’t know we were at different levels of serious.”

Lacey could feel tears welling up in her eyes, but they didn’t drop from Scott’s. Maybe he would stand up for her to Harper, but she would never be permanently his, he could fuck around and leave at any point. She couldn’t do that, too many people in her life left. “What? If nearly three years ago, when you decided to chest on your boyfriend with me, you had thought we would’ve ended up in a serious relationship where I want a future with you, you wouldn’t have done it? I don’t believe that. You’re impulsive and you saw what you wanted and took it,” she swallowed hard. “I love you. Right now, we are the same level of serious, but…I will want that next level at some point in the future. Maybe it’s a year, or five, but I will want it. I could give you the guarantee that you’re all I want, but if we aren’t,” she choked up. “If we’re going to end up on different roads, there’s no point in continuing on this one.” She stepped up to him and stood on her toes to kiss him gently, tears flowing down her cheeks freely now. “I love you, and I’m sorry loving you isn’t enough.”

Scott can hear it in her voice. He's upsetting her. This isn't really about Harper. It's about him. "I still want you," he whispers. --He can't go any louder. He's starting to feel like he can't breathe. Maybe he's drowning. Maybe he swam out too far into the ocean. HE'S IN TOO DEEP. He needs to get back to shallow water.  There's something heavy and invisible is pressing on his chest. What is this feeling? He's a man, he's been conditioned not to cry, but his chest is getting tight and his throat is starting to feel raw. She's breaking up with him, for real this time. He should be relieved--he never wanted a place in this risky love business anyway--but instead, he's shaking. There's so much bubbling up inside him and he doesn't know how to analyze it all. Her lips touch his, and he can taste the saltwater that's streaming down her cheeks. Maybe he really IS drowning. Is it possible for one person to be both the tide who pushes you out and the life vest that keeps you afloat? He doesn't know what he's supposed to do without the ocean. It's what he was raised on. He presses the heels of his hands to his eyelids to keep his own potential waves from spilling out. "I'm sorry, I can't. I can't turn into my dad. I'm sorry." The cycle continues endlessly in his mind. I can't, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't. "I love you, and I'm so sorry for making you cry." i'm sorry i can't i love you i love you i can't i'm sorry "I'll miss you." i'm sorry i can't i love you i'll miss you i love you i love you i love you i-- He turns around and finds the door. He leaves.

She's shaking by the time he starts rambling, each word pulling her further and further apart, but she refuses to go to him. Her heart has already been stomped on. "You wouldn't have been your father, but you would never have let yourself find out," it was the last thing she could say before her legs gave out. Her hands covered her face to mask her sobs, but it didn't work well. The only signal that he had actually left, was the silence, but that only crushed her further. Her lungs were being squeezed, her heart was beating out of her chest, and she wanted to vomit. But none of it mattered, she had pushed him away, and he had gone. She wasn't allowed to start regretting it yet. But she was.