#show everyone how big and breedable I am

[magnifythesun]

Hiii so mexican salsa YES this post is a prompt! Feel free to change it to whatever you like, but I'd love a lil' story like this:

Ian and anthony are both very obviously in love and the whole smoffice knows it, but them lmao! I'd love this fic to be just text messages or slack posts or sth, where the cast and crew report of sightings of Ian and anthony doing very ianthony stuff and not realize it themselves. Maybe they come up w a way to show or nudge them in the right direction? But Ian and Anthony will still make it a bro moment (broment) bc they think the other one just wants to be bros LMAO ~ Japhan2024 💖

@japhan2024 FANTASTIC IDEA I have to believe that the Smosh cast legit has a secret group chat for stuff like this hahaha the looks on their faces whenever Ian and Anthony do something shippy is priceless

im going to wrack my brain for my favorite moments lolol I hope you enjoy!

(mid writing note: i first wrote basically all texts but it wasn't quite flowing the way i wanted it to so now there's a little more prose lol. this also taught me i do NOT know enough crew members' names)

read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/56346769

---

It took Erin less than ten minutes to create The Group Chat following the slapping video caress incident.

Erin: "okay so what the fuck"

Tommy: "i'm beside myself."

Angela: "SO WE'RE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT IT"

It began, and all hell broke loose from there.

Most of the cast and crew didn't know Anthony too well when he first returned, but everyone could tell Ian began to positively glow once he came back. It had started mostly with little under-the-breath comments about how big Ian had smiled at something Anthony did, or shared glances after they looked lost in each other's worlds. It's not that everyone wanted to speculate about their bosses, but rather that their bosses were practically giving them no choice.

The real watershed moment was the birth of The Group Chat, which finally provided an outlet for all ianthony incidents witnessed by the cast and crew.

---

Shayne: "Please tell me how Anthony managed to turn his smosh cast interview into an hour of us complimenting Ian."

Tommy: "i swear he practices in his car on the way to work"

---

Erin: "not them discussing deepthroating injuries for like three whole minutes..."

Erin: "while Anthony sucks on his rainbow lollipop......"

Chanse: "they are not beating the allegations"

---

Josh: "So this is I think the fourth video I've edited where Anthony has called Ian daddy??"

Josh: "WHAT is the thought process. I just can't put it together. is Anthony just like yeah I'm going to call my bro daddy about seventeen separate times with varying levels of seriousness and that's good and het and normal."

Erin: "Josh, istg you don't see the half of it. Come watch them film and pay special attention when the cameras are OFF."

---

Erin: "im losing it"

Arasha: "oh god. what happened"

Erin: "i am not fucking kidding right now anthony just called him submissive and breedable."

Keith: "WHAT"

Erin: "he said what he said."

Angela: "BREEDABLE????????????"

Erin: "in front of god and everyone."

Angela: "BREEDABLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

---

Tommy: "catching up on the main channel sketches and i just have to ask"

Tommy: "How many men can Ian date in his sketches until he realizes he'd like to date one in real life?"

Chanse: "don't SPEAK to me about it"

---

Tommy: "bicurious, hmm? Ian would you like to share something with the class???"

Chanse: "hes so deep in the mental closet his art is trying to scream it at him through his subconscious."

Chanse: "ive been there 😞"

Josh: "I've never been more prepared to edit a video in my whole life"

---

Angela: "Erinnnn not u directing them to stand closer together 😭😭"

Erin: "look I'm at my wits end. I'm thinking forced proximity might do it"

Keith: "if that could work they would have gotten it during kissing currency 😙💸"

Shayne: "@ courtney is this your thought process behind wanting a kissing video"

Courtney: "HA"

Courtney: "yes."

---

Courtney: "okay so if our plan at this point is just to make them read so many fanfics about themselves out loud that they spontaneously realize they're in love, we've got to find some fics that don't contain the word 'cummies'"

Angela: "what are cummies?? 😇"

Shayne: "ANGELA I SWEAR TO GOD"

---

As the incidents kept piling up, a plot began to form. Maybe Anthony and Ian were just so oblivious that they all needed to adopt a certain 'push-comes-to-shove' mentality, and do what had to be done. Everyone agreed, they had to find a way to put them in such a charged situation that this would all finally boil over, and the astounding tension that had plagued the office would be resolved. The ultimate achievement of this long-weary Group Chat.

Erin: "okay so one more time. everyone has talked with HR, yes? and everyone slated for the vid is comfortable with the concept of spin the bottle"

Angela: "what's spin the bottle? 😇"

Tommy: "STOP"

Shayne "1) Yes for the thousandth time, we promise. 2) What the FUCK are we going to do if this bottle never lands on Anthony and Ian"

Erin: "I will keep this shoot going as long as necessary."

Shayne: "That sounds like a threat?"

Chanse: "I'm suddenly regretting my decision. May I take my week's vacation right now?"

---

Erin: "how..."

Courtney: "did you see the look in their eyes????? :O"

Angela: "FATE WAS ON OUR SIDE. IT LANDED ON THEM THREE WHOLE TIMES"

Erin: "yes but,,,,,"

Tommy: "don't speak to me I'm still reeling"

Keith: "oh please don't tell me it didn't work."

Chanse: "i just have one question. how did they kiss THREE TIMES and still not realize."

Courtney: "they were both practically levitating from giddiness"

Arasha: "they just kept looking away from each other and laughing it off... they didn't see each other's expressions 😭😭"

Angela: "guys. guys"

Erin: "what"

Angela: "do u know what this means"

Angela: "now that we've pushed them over this hurdle... They're going to start bro kissing in their sketches"

Chanse: "oh my god"

Josh: "oh fuck you're right"

Erin: "that's it."

Erin: "im quitting smosh"

Amanda: "Oh hey guys! We have a group chat?"

Shayne:

[jrueships]

AHEM.

Why Jaren Jackson Jr. is a bottom: A List

1. The poor guy will do anything for attention from the team, ESPECIALLY from Ja.

2. Big guy that just wants to impress his tiny boyfriend (the same boyfriend that definitely tops him). He shows off just for the praise 😭

3. That one video of him doing that little tip-tap dance when Ja gave him the attention that he was practically begging for. IT WAS SO CUTE 😭😭😭

4. His outfits. He’s just showing off for his man (in hopes of something happening 🥰).

5. His legssssss. No way Ja doesn’t take advantage of his thighs. His thighs and ass are the main reasons why he’s the bottom. Always COVERED in h*ck*es.

6. Ja may be WAYYY shorter, but his personality is big. Jaren is WAYYY taller, but his personality is smaller (which is still quite big lol).

7. I almost view their relationship as a Kyle/DeMar type thing. If that makes sense?? Kyle and Ja are bossy and most people would assume they are both bottoms. But they aren’t. THEIR BIG GUYS ARE.

8. Jaren always looking at what Ja shows him on his phone. He’d do anything for that man to be happy (bottom behavior).

this was all off the top of my head, so it may not make total sense??? if i think of more reasons why i’ll tell you 😭😭😭

REAAAAAALLL!!!!!! IVE BEEN JUST READIN N READIN THIS AS A LITTLE DOG BISCUIT FOR ME... AN LITTLE TREAT <33 ... but i have decided to POP THIS BABY OUT N CELEBRATE WOOHOOO HAPPY DPOY JARENNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! *posts ask containing listed statements on why you are a sheet clawer

happy dpoy ? confused and scared but still trying to act happy jasper the dolphin voice before tyler in a wig and heels evaporates his whole existence

FIOOORST of all,,, thank u for numbering these down bcs u KNOW I love love LOVEE tackling ALL my moots details this is so FUUUN!!!!!

1. The poor guy will do anything for attention from the team, ESPECIALLY from Ja.

LITERALLLYYYY!!! EXAAAACTLY!!!! YESSSSS!!!! made me whip out my 3 go to replies after listening to my friend hate on the same shit i hate or make THE REALEST points to ever point in the whole history of points, on the latter side FOSHURE!! youre literally so right tho like....

you can't look at him... at his ACTIONS!! and TELL me he is Not FOR THE TEAM!!! LIIIKE (i DONT listen to icespice i am NOT a munchI AM NO T A M U NCH‼️‼️)(I SAID LIKE BEFORE HER AND AFTER MEAN GIRLS OKAY!!!!!!) Everyone was lowkey getting a little jealous of the ABSOLUTE LEAASH brandon Clarke has had on jaren.... but like. Can You Blame Him. Clarke is GORGEOUS. He's like a 6'8 ja but more importantly without the mental problems. Ja acting out by being all 'alpha male whatever 🙄'.. he wanna be jarens man again soo bad. JA!! get this thru ur SKINNY BEAVIS N BUTTHEAD HEAD!!! jaren liked U bcs u were a LESBIAN!!! who is also bisexual. He will ALWAYS be YOUR LITTLE MEOW MEOW or whatever u guys roleplay in bed or discord lmfao WHEN URE AROUND!!! Jaren is just a very im gonna give up 110% of myself to whoever i happen to be around AND U GOTTA LEARN TO UNDERSTAND THAT!!!! like he literally opened his legs to u and ure like 5ft tall like. Let's not act like he has high standards now or something. He dreams of dill*n brooks. Daily. Not even nightmares. Full on straight up not straight wet dreams bro. Find your inner zen ja. Please. For the good of your baby mama (jaren.

2. Big guy that just wants to impress his tiny boyfriend (the same boyfriend that definitely tops him). He shows off just for the praise 😭

THE AMOUNT OF SHORT KING PROPAGANDA BEING PASSED RN!!! I AM TRULY LIVING Y E S !!! THIS THIS THIS!!!!

he said WHEN U FEELIN COCKY!! I M FEELIN COCKY!!!!!! .... u know... and if u feelin like... a certain COCKy.... just so happeningly around u know... someone submissive and breedable...ME then...you know... im still feelin kinda cocky too... namean 🥺👉🏿👈🏿..?

Ja pausing briefly in peace to read this 3:02 (minutes kept random to make it seem like jaren hasnt been agonizing & planning this text for over fifty days and nights) before he's about to tweet out another threat to yet another small child: ........ what 😑?

it's so cute... and a little sad 😭 like he wants him so bad. Walking all normal but suddenly prancing all giddy like a done up horse (unicorn) whenever ja even as much as LOOKS at him!! please jaren.... ure whining at this point. Salivating all over this little pebble of a man. This twig. i Love it, frankly. i Do. he needs this santas helpers d*ck and he needs it Bad .give it to him NOW, ja! RIGHT NOW.

TURDAE ‼️‼️

3. That one video of him doing that little tip-tap dance when Ja gave him the attention that he was practically begging for. IT WAS SO CUTE 😭😭😭

LIKE GET IT TOGETTHER JAREN!!! he is head over TIPPY TAPPY DANCEY H E E L S for that online thug it's SO funny 😭. Ja half assing to pretend hes a security guard like jaren started and jaren being so happy abt it 😭😭 when the bf agrees to be the rainbow pony to ur pink pony in ponyville. THEN WHEN DESMONDS TRYING TO JUST GET HIS INTERVIEW DONE JAREN PLOPS HIMSELF NEXT TO HIM MIMICKING HIS POSE?? STARING?? pulling out ALL the stupid little tactics to try and get him mr handsome to notice him.. then he scoots closer when he doesn't PLEASE babygirl!!! Daddy's working 😾. IMKIDDINGSORRYLMFAO i need to stop saying that ironically, people are gonna think imsrs.. Anyways. I took a screenshot but thanks to jarens long neck.. he looked like a roadside 4legged human-like creepypasta monster so. Nvm. BUT AFTER THAT HE TRIES LIKE? TAPPING DESMONDS giant hunk of an ARM! by God. I know what you are jaren! AND HE DOESNT EVEN GET NOTICED THERE??? like throughout that whole thing desmond didn't even look at him once 😭. AT LEAST JA SPARED THE POOR SOUL A SINGLE SECOND GLANCE FOR HIM TO GET ALL GIGGLY OVER!!!! Desmond is so cool guy who doesn't have a personality to him and only makes npc responses if any. I think jaren is kind of obsessed. He wants to suck his **** so bad. Maybe that's why ja spared him a crumb of attention. Like when u let the leash a lil long then suddenly keep it short. That's so mean. Do it Again, ja.

4. His outfits. He’s just showing off for his man (in hopes of something happening 🥰). 5. His legssssss. No way Ja doesn’t take advantage of his thighs. His thighs and ass are the main reasons why he’s the bottom. Always COVERED in h*ck*es.

combining because i am a GREAT THINKER 🗣!!!! but moving on YES!! TIMES A MILLION! The fact that jjj has admitted he has a habit of buying new clothes like everyday.... who do u have in mind when u buy those jarebear? Is it someone little that likes to hype up whatever cool new thing you've got interesting to him ? Hm? Suspicious.

H*CKIES ALONG HIS THIGHS PLEAAAAASEE PLE A SE!!! P L E ASE!!!! just ONE fic where someone tops him and leaves h*ckies ob those HUGEMONGO CHUN-LI thighs PLEASE anyone PLEASE!!!! IM TIRED OF US ONLY HAVING THE VISION!!@ WE NEED THIS IN PICTURE OR PAPER!!! N O W!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i KNOW ja **** him *** i just KNOW he does he probably BITES it im so. LISTEN. THIS IS COMIN STR8 FROM THE SOURCE. I AM JUST THE MESSENGER!!! we know. We KNOW. Jaren ALWAYS wears compression leggings... and for What. FROM what? FROM WH O M?

For WHOM???? Ja's playing around pretending to help the pt stretch jarens legs by coming from the side or behind and he kinda grabs his thigh-like and grips it a little teasingly cus he knows.. it's a little Sensitive. From last night. Well it better be anyways. And his fingers squeeze near that inner thick of the thigh and jaren let's out a jolt and a lil HEY :oO !!!! That makes the pt guy usher ja out (he just thinks they're playin.. has no idea.) (Jaren intends to PLEASE JA. KEEP IT THAT WAY!!!) And ja snorts n snickers n scampers off Knowing that Jaren Knows HE knows. And jarens trying not to giggle, trying to keep his frowny face or roll his eyes like that wasn't anything but annoying. Like his face isn't feeling like a forestfire right now. it's Sick. it's Sickening. . . M o r e.

6. Ja may be WAYYY shorter, but his personality is big. Jaren is WAYYY taller, but his personality is smaller (which is still quite big lol).

HE IS A S H O R T KING!!@@! MAMA AYE!! i belive in his SHORT KING SUPREMACY!!! okay!! Jaren is but a mouse compared to his giant ego. When jaren tries shoving someone it's like... ok little guy. Let's get you to bed. When someone shoves ja it's Uh Oh. For Real. Top girlboss bottom malewife relationship my Beloved. LOVE hearing other's thoughts n comments on players personalities !!!! it's so cool!!

7. I almost view their relationship as a Kyle/DeMar type thing. If that makes sense?? Kyle and Ja are bossy and most people would assume they are both bottoms. But they aren’t. THEIR BIG GUYS ARE.

THIS IS.... I DO NOT GURANTEE UR SAFETY FROM THE KYLE/DEMAR GIRLIES. but i LOVE the idea behind it. Just because a person in the relationship has the fatter ass doesn't mean they can't top ok!!!!! Im so big behind this FLAT ASSES NEED LOVE TOO!!! Shoutout sauce gardner for leading the 2 dimensional bttm booty charge. I believe in you an them bones, my bratty bttm king. anyways... ur mind may be too great for this world... cherish it. Always. Big guys bottomimg... ure so real for this. My sibling in stronghold.

8. Jaren always looking at what Ja shows him on his phone. He’d do anything for that man to be happy (bottom behavior).

YHE PHONE OBSERVATION PLEAAASEEE !!! YES!!!!

Ja just looking up: How Do I Play Papa's Pizzareea On My Phobe. 💯

And jarens smiling and laughing and staring at dreamy like he's watching ja write up their marriage vows. Jaren thumbs up jas memes physically when they don't get thumbed up digitally on reddit. He's his little 6'10 cheerleader and he will live and die by the pompom. Giggling and twirling his hair and kicking his feet and getting all happy to write in his fuzzy pink princess diary abt how ja gave him a Cool and Aloof😎 Signaturely Awesome Sauce 😎 ja head nod of approval when jaren helps him spell restaurant in the Google maps. (Jaren also got it wrong and they were 25 minutes late to the restaurant) (their table was taken but ja took care of it.) (Don't Ask How.) This 6'10 man rlly makes himself SO babygirl all for these little gremlins to ignore or sometimes nod at. It's like snow white and the seven dwarvOKAY IM KIDDING IM SORRY LOL. jarens just so. All of This. Yeah. You really read him like a book 😭😭 caught him spread eagle LMFAO! i YEARN to hear more I REALLY DO!!! DO NOT BE SHY IN REMEMBRANCE........ this is for History. this is for... Ted .

[demonprincezeldris]

Ok but imagine Arthur coming home after getting his chaos power. He’s super excited to show them off everyone! There’s this weird voice in his head whispering to him and he thinks it’s nothing big… until he sees Zeldris. Suddenly the voice is just fixated on Zeldris. Crooning to Arthur about how Zeldris must be protected, how Zeldris is the perfect mate… that he must be bred. Arthur tries to ignore the voice but the more it whispers the more persuasive it gets. It keeps whispering to him about all the wicked things it can do to Zeldris, how much Zeldris will love it… how pretty he’d be all filled up and pregnant. Pretty soon Arthur himself is finding himself caving but even so he doesn’t wanna hurt Zel in front of their friends. He waits until they’re alone.

Ooh! That was very hot to read, anon. I'd love to try to expand on this Chaos Arthur side of him, and see if he really does get Zeldris pregnant. I see Zeldris as a very breedable person hands down, so Arthur wanting to breed him is something I am down for 100%!

[thorn-amidst-roses]

Exalted Secret Santa 2018

*Cracks knuckles* So it occurs to me that I haven’t been drawing worth a shit this year, and as such, I have no new references. I’m removing Artisan from the equation (that old man’s had enough go-arounds) and tossing Tenya back into the ring from last year (with a story update)…but after that, shit’s getting interesting.

I apologize that most of the references are doll photos…heh.

1.) Tenya

Tenya is a goat-totem Lunar with unfixed Caste. He currently refuses the Silver Pact’s tattoos, believing that they alter Lunars from what Luna originally intended them to be - that is, highly mutable, mercurial creatures.

He spent the last 150 years serving as the fertility god to a mortal village, occasionally wandering the south with a trainee-witch (mortals he’s enlightened for the purpose of keeping the village on-track when he can’t).

As a goat totem, he can be grumpy and stubborn, and is notable for having once headbutted one of Ahlat’s bulls…to death.

His tell is a series of light silver dapples running along his sides like freckles - cheeks, neck, shoulders, chest, waist, hips, thighs. He brags that these spots are where Luna touched him during his Exaltation. While his tell doesn’t show any animal qualities, he is most comfortable with hooves, horns, and big ol’ floppy goat ears, and will bust those out whenever no one is around to call the Wyld Hunt on his ass.

[x] [x] [x] [x]

Alternate Design: Fancy Boy

Tenya is actually 300+ years old, and has been in hiding from the Silver Pact for the last 150. As a young Lunar, he fell in with Ma-Ha Suchi, and then straight up fell in love with the guy (as one does). Over the years, they developed negative feelings towards the Silver Pact, only worsening after Ma-Ha’s forcible tattooing.

Long story short, they ended up starting their own Lunar sub-faction with blackjack and hookers.

After Tenya’s loud (and occasionally murdery) criticism of the Pact nearly got both their asses killed, he went into hiding for the past 150 years so everyone involved could lick their wounds and cool off a bit. Since then, he’s returned to his mentor, and they’re right back to their old scheming ways.

[x] (Reference by Fishcapades)

2.) Soo-Yeon

So literally the only reference I have of this girl is a doll, and for that I am sorry.

Once upon a time there was a Wyld pocket, and in that Wyld pocket grew an enormous tree. She was the Queen of her forest, attended by her ladies-of-the-court (also trees) and her pet gem-spiders.

One day, a Wood Aspect wandered through her forest, and stayed awhile. She was fascinated with him, and even long after he left, she couldn’t get him out of her mind. But she had royal matters to focus on, and so she budded off her thoughts of him, quite literally removing him from her mind.

This seed took root, and grew into a young tree. As it grew, it sang - it sang to the Queen of humans, and of the world outside the forest. No matter what the Queen did, this sapling never stopped her song, until one day, the Queen had enough and spread her roots to choke off the sapling.

This was enough to cause the sapling to uproot herself, and fearing the fury of her mother and court, she drew on memories of her distant father, her roots becoming legs, branches becoming arms, and she fled the forest into Creation.

She had enough human in her, and enough blood of the Dragons to Exalt as a Wood Aspect herself, in time. She wanders the wild places armed with only her curiosity and her bow, grown from her own treelike flesh. The sapling calls herself Soo-Yeon, because it reminds her of the sound cicadas make.

Soo-Yeon doesn’t fully understand how to human, just yet. She thinks of the world in terms of a story, and really struggles with such concepts as “lasting consequences” and “object permanence”. This is frequently troublesome.

[x]

3.) Threnn

No refs here, sorry!

A Fire Aspect from House Cynis, Threnn is not popular amongst their family. Being of noble blood, Threnn’s immediate family would love nothing more than to see them married off to a breedable man of high standing, but Threnn’s not about that noise, no, see…Threnn wants to join the Wyld Hunt (for shame!) or just go dick around in the Threshold, finding adventure and getting into trouble.

Fortunately, Threnn’s father’s business partner was able to gently encourage their parents to allow this, on the condition that he travels alongside the young Dragonblood. The family gave their approval of this arrangement, crossing their fingers that, since Threnn seemed passingly fond of this guy, it would end in marriage…eventually.

Unfortunately for them, and unbeknownst to all, this benefactor is a Sidereal with interest in seeing Threnn leave the Realm. Why? Because Sidereals, shut up.

Once safely in the East, Threnn gave him the slip (or so Threnn thinks) and eventually connected with the wayward faeblood, Soo-Yeon. Together they’re embarking on the kind of insane bullshit that only a particularly explosive Fire Aspect and a completely innocent faeblooded Wood Aspect can get up to (and they’re absolutely a thing, by the way).

Threnn is AFAB, but NB (masc-leaning). They’re lanky and honestly kind of shapeless (Soo-Yeon calls Threnn her “stick-bug”), frequently mildly beat to shit. Cuts, bruises, broken nose - all par for the course when you’re a Fire Aspect who has no concept of just…not starting shit.

Threnn has rough-hacked dark red hair and yellow eyes, and dresses plainly. Not a drop of Jade on this one.