#shurtis is real

[binart]

SRPA FAQ

i thought this might be useful to people!

What is SRPA?

NOT A SEQUEL TO BPJ

A post S8 AU where the lions were sacrificed instead of Allura! Soon after, she and lance decided to mutually end things but remained close friends, she went on to Lead The Coalition with Coran, and Lance settled down with his family on new Altea since he felt he was no longer of use without a lion to pilot.

But now! Keith enlists lance’s help in the blade of marmora, the two go on to have many bonding moments and become Ultimate Space Ranger Partners

Also Adam didn't die! Among other things!

How often does the comic update?

SRPA updates once per week on Saturdays! I also have a Patreon if you’d like to consider supporting me, where I update one week early on Fridays!

What does SRPA stand for?

Space Ranger Partners' Adventures because i will never stop giving my projects terrible acronym names. no one can stop me i aM TOO POWERFUL

If Allura’s alive, why does Lance have Altean marks??

It will be explained in the comic! 

IS THERE KLANCE?

YES!! and unlike with BPJ, klance will be taking the forefront in this comic! no need to wait basically until the end for the Good Shit

Trigger warnings?

pls be mindful when reading! contains: violence, gore, near-death experiences, themes of depression and anxiety, self-worth/self-esteem issues, ptsd

bina be real; does ur comic have Problematicque aspects?

ye i am sorry but shurtis never happened. i am decanon-izing this bare-bone scraps of a pairing in favor of adashi. don't @ me but also i'm genuinely sorry if you were hoping to see it

Are there other pairings besides Klance?

YA! Adashi, Veracxa, Lotura, and Shlav ;^)

What else has been changed in this AU?

MANY THINGS!! I like to think of SRPA as having very similar happenings to the series, but with subtle differences like the team being much closer than they were during their times as paladins, Shiro changing his floaty arm out for something more similar to his OG one after defeating Sendak, SHIRO NOT RETIRING, ETC

Actually let me hit you with some Shiro facts

So, he still commands the atlas! Adam was heavily injured back when the Earth was under siege but survived, after his recovery (which Shiro spent a lot of time helping him thru) the two didn't just jump right back into dating! They started working through all of their issues as friends, and have only very recently decided to tentatively start seeing each other again.. 

ALSO.. Lotor never died. He's still under nasty boy arrest for using alteans as batteries, but he works hard at Allura's side to try and make amends for the horrendous things he's done. He wants to see her dream of unifying all species under the coalition alliance to live in peace come true!

Those are all the questions I can think of right now, so please feel free to hit me with some more if you'd like!

[curtashiism]

I decided I am going to make a little project for myself over winter break!

1. I am going to find EVERY tagged Curtashi/Shurtis fic on AO3.

2. I will read them to determine if they are actually Curtashi, not troll fics, crosstagged fics of other pairings getting together, etc.

3. I will read and review every one of these stories.

4. I will then make a Twitter and/or Tumblr to post these fics. That way, Curtashi/Shurtis writers get the reviews they deserve, plus readers have a place they can go to find all the good-faith Curtashi stories- minus the likes of Bittermelon77. No untagged slurs and gore, just a page of the real fics.

[queenofthenyx]

Shurtis thank you cards.

Curtis still has too many lingering southern mannerisms to not send personal thank you cards for each of their wedding gifts and Shiro after the stress of planning a wedding has -91 fucks to give. Curtis writes the cards for the gifts they truly sorry appreciate. Shiro lets his snark shine through on the rest.

------

Dear Colleen,

You'll think this is a joke, but the Instapot you bought us will save lives. Actual lives. Shiro can finally prepare a meal that doesn't come out of a smoking microwave. Thank you so much. We'll be sure to use it anytime you and the rest of the family visit us.

Appreciatively,

Curtis Shirogane

------

Dear Lance,

You've out-done yourself. Really. Curtis and I laughed at your joke gift at the start of our honeymoon and then we spent the next several hours calming me down from an anxiety attack. Real sexy stuff.

Seriously? Who gives a "Kink-Exploration" basket as a wedding gift? Who then fills it with bondage shit when one of the grooms is a recovering prisoner of war?

So, thank you. I'll always remember how my wedding night was ruined at the sight of actual Galra prison cuffs. Way to go on the authenticity!

Sincerely,

Takashi Shirogane

[demiboydemon]

Adashi, Shatt, and background Shurtis Prompt

The Paladins raid a Galra prison planet and find 90 clone Shiros. Some of them are doing push ups, some of them are crying because they miss Earth (or maybe someone back on Earth), and some of them are giving the other Shiros pep talks. Real Shiro marries Adam, and the clones marry Matt, Curtis, or go to other planets to start new lives. One of the the Shiros is straight, so he goes by Straighto instead of Shiro.

Unfortunately, Real Shiro, Adam, and Matt are all friends, and Clone Shiro often tags along with Matt. It’s awkward when they can’t tell the difference between Real Shiro and Clone Shiro, so Matt’s Shiro (clone) grows a Sportacus (lazy town) mustache.

[emphasis-all-mine]

Ooh how about Adashi for 4?

“Please never stop smiling.” Adashi. This is the dreamy, spiritual successor to this ficlet, which I’ve been wanting to re-visit. :D So some implied Shurtis, side Klance and angsty exes ahoy! (Happy ending though)

“Well, you look terrible,” Adam says. “You’re not gonna smile even on your wedding day? Not that it would help that much. Because, yeah you look awful.”

“Thanks,” Shiro rolls his head back against the pillows.

“I’m not here to lie to you Takashi,” Adam sips his coffee. “Apparently I’m here to whisk you away to wedded bliss.”

Shiro throws a pillow over his head. “Whyyy aren’t you Keith?”

“Something to do with a fork in the garbage disposal, he’s been in the ER with Lance all night. They got his finger back on, don’t worry.”

“… He really think I would buy that excuse for sending my ex-fiancé to pick me up and take me to my wedding?”

“Or he’s dumb enough that he really risked his pinky to engineer this, do you want to see the pictures he uploaded?”

Shiro groans, sitting up on his arms. There’s a cup of coffee on the side table next to the bed. Probably the same stuff Adam’s drinking.

They always took their coffee the same. Black, three sugars.

“Just tell me he’s only trying to force us to re-kindle a friendship, and he’s not punishing us because he knows we’ve been fooling around ever since the engagement party?”

“I mean, I got here early enough that we can sneak in a quickie?” Adam smirks.

“Am I just supposed to get up there and smile and say a bunch of vows after…” Shiro pulls his shirt off as if its second nature. “I’m a terrible person.”

“You’re not–”

**

Shiro blinks.

He’s not in bed.

He’s sitting next to Adam on the carpeted floor of his apartment. Adam is clutching his sides, moaning about stomach pangs. They’re both wearing tuxedos, but the ties have been pulled loose and buttons undone. Adam’s belt is un-buckled.

“What was that?” he asks.

“My body punishing me for eating beluga fucking caviar,” Adam hiccups. “Rich people food is the worst. I can taste the endangered species kicking me in the spleen. I deserve it. I deserve all this pain.”

“You don’t,” Shiro shakes his head.

“I might as well of had shark-fin soup and Condor eggs Benedict.”

Shiro looks down at his left hand.

There’s no ring.

His prosthetic is around Adam’s shoulders. Ring-free as well.

“What?” Adam asks. “Are you smiling at my suffering?”

“Does the name ‘Curtis’ mean anything to you?” he asks.

“Uhhh, like Curtis Mayfield? The singer?” Adam cocks his head. “Or the dude on the Atlas who hit on you and Keith threatened to knife him because you’re taken? Gosh, we raised that boy right. Krolia doesn’t get credit for that one.”

Shiro laughs, hard enough to make his eyes tear up.

“What is with you, all giddy and shit? How much champagne did you get?”

“I feel like I just woke up on the better side of a dream.”

**

“Just smile. Please, never stop smiling,” Adam says through clenched teeth. “Otherwise your fiancé is gonna punch me.”

Shiro blinks back to life. Curtis is shutting the door, and it’s the engagement party again. The moment Adam decided to get too drunk and roasted them both and ran off to vomit. The moment Curtis found Shiro taking care of him in the hotel room.

There’s paths unfolding in front of him. Directions everything can take. Lying and cheating and denying and sublimating.

“I have to do a bad thing to a good person,” Shiro says, taking off his engagement ring. “I’m not going to smile for a long time.”

“I have pictures of Lance with his tongue stuck on the ice-sculpture. Would that help?”

Shiro tries to hide a grin. “I’m a terrible person.”

“Same,” Adam says. “I lost the best guy in the universe because I am a bitter, possessive, grudge-holding, irrationally jealous jerk.”

“Well, I’m about to break the heart of the real best guy in the universe,” Shiro sighs. “Because I lied to myself, pretended I could be good enough for someone better than me. When I’m an indecisive, broken person who–”

“Takashi,” Adam interrupts. “Put the ring back on. Go downstairs, smile and be happy. Nothing happened, so you have nothing to apologize for.”

“But I want something to happen.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like smiling and pretending I don’t want to wake up next to you every damn day.”

Adam scoffs. “Needy.”

“Messy drunk.”

“Indecisive lunkhead.”

“Salty Sandra.”

“Drama queen.”

“Said the guy who roasted his ex at the engagement party.”

“Said the guy who’s gonna pull a last-minute rom-com style ‘here’s your ring back’ breakup so he can try and get back together with his loser ex.”

Shiro looks over his shoulder.

“You do look like garbage.”

Adam smiles. “And you still want this?”

“I want you puking beluga caviar in my lap, yeah.”

“Huh?”

**

Shiro is drinking a beer in the empty ballroom when it’s all over.

Lance sits down next to him.

“Keeth thaid you’d be thitting here.”

Shiro furrows his brow. Lance takes the bandage off his tongue.

“Keith said you’d be sitting here, I’m supposed to make sure you’re not wallowing or I have to lick the ice-sculpture from the bat mitzvah across the hall to cheer you up.”

“Did he tell you to lick the first one?”

“… No?”

Shiro shakes his head. “At least it wasn’t a fork in the garbage disposal.”

“He’s really weird right now. He’s protective of you and Adam at the same time and I think it’s making him short circuit. Not that he’s the paragon of excellent spur-of-the-moment decision making to begin with.”

“But you’re not that type of impulsive,” Shiro says, sipping the beer. “Why’d you go along with it?”

“I love him,” Lance shrugs. “Doing dumb things to make him smile is part of the deal.”

“Just don’t let him risk a finger, okay?”

“Are you going to get back together with Adam?”

“I don’t know if he’ll let me. He’s got this crazy idea that I should stay with Curtis instead of doing something dumb and impulsive because I love him.”

“Well… if you need a way to prove to him you’re dumb and in love, I have an idea?”

**

Adam’s smile is the best thing he’s ever seen.

“Who the hell gets an ice-sculpture of a Squirrel holding a giant acorn?” Keith shakes his head.

Lance shrugs. “I’m just glad it’s not my tongue this time.”

“Thaa-daaa!” Shiro says with his tongue firmly affixed to the ice-nut.

“Well congratulations Takashi, you’re not a drama queen or a rom-com cliche. You’re just an idiot.”

“Thays the thude in luff wiff this thidiot.”

“Okay, true. Someone help get my idiot’s mouth off of the thirteen year old girl’s nut so we can go have hot, messy rekindling our relationship sex upstairs before the hotel kicks us out?”

**

“You have the best smile,” Takashi says, kissing Adam’s neck. “Never stop smiling.”

Sentence Prompts Here!

[blackblood1872]

Just saw season 8 of Voltron! Gonna be spoiling some things in this post so, uh, don’t read if you don’t want spoilers?

I had fun watching it and it’s definitely still one of my favorite shows. Of course I’m sad about the lack of a certain ship (of course I’m talking about Sheith), but I’ve kind of always been braced for it not being canon. So I’m not too surprised. Sad, yes, but not surprised.

I’m also sad about the lack of any big Shiro&Keith interactions. Cuz, like, what? You guys were so in each other’s business the last 7 seasons and this season, just… nothing? I’m confused. Maybe I missed them? I’m gonna have to do a rewatch at some point here.

I’m happy Allurance became canon! Even if it didn’t stick around. (I am salty they didn’t pull a “surprise! We only need to sacrifice one person to restore the realities, Allura, go back to your boyfriend” like they could have. Why didn’t this happen? I might write a few alternate canon fics after this.) Episode 1 was really cute and so was episode 7 (Day 47) and I’m not a big hetero shipper but all the Allurance was really cute.

I loved pretty much all the episodes - the first… 10? Up to the Knights of Light 2-parter, whatever episodes those were. I liked this. And Clear Day. Sorry, I binged the whole season just now and I have no awareness of what episodes are which. Actually, I think I liked them all except the last half of the last episode.

Episodes 6, 7, and 8 were my peek favorites, I think. That was an intense episode followed by two fun episodes. Episode 7 made me laugh so much, and I really liked how real the battle seemed? It was the lack of cinematic shots and music and it made it feel more real? I dunno, I really like that sort of thing.

The last 3 episodes were really intense and I was really into them and it was so emotional at times - god, I loved them. I also made the mistake of reading some Tumblr discourse before writing this so my memories of my emotions during those episodes are a bit damaged. Cuz everyone’s hating on this?

Like, I get it. It wasn’t perfect. But nothing ever is. Real life is never perfect. I don’t know what reality you’re living in that things are perfect but it’s not the real one. Everything felt accurate, like this was how these people would actually react. No, some people didn’t make the right or the best choices. But who ever does? When you’re in the moment and faced with a choice you have to make in a second - you don’t always get it right. This show did that and it felt real.

Stop putting Voltron on a pedestal. It’s about war and life and mistakes and living the best life you can. And I feel like it did a good job showing that. Even if we don’t like how some things turned out. That’s life.

And now back to me talking about the season. I never watched the trailer for this season, but I did see quite a few screencaps on Tumblr. I got excited every time I saw a scene I recognized in the show. Like, you would not believe. I was grinning and laughing and crying at times during the whole ~6 hours I spent watching this season.

(I watched the first 3 episodes from 7 am til 8.20 am, then episode 4 over the course of a couple hours because my mom kept trying to talk to me. Then she left (yay) and I watched 5 through 13 from 11 am til 4 pm. So this was an entire day thing for me even though the season was a total of 6 hours.)

I was really crying those last 5 episodes, it was really intense and insane and wow, I just really loved it. 

Allura’s sacrifice was super emotional, god, why did she do that - but I got a smile out of Lance’s new Altean markings. Very cool! I like that they included those. The “one year later” flash forward was not a cool move tho. Shame on you guys. But it gives us fanfiction writers the ability to fill in the blanks! Yay for Coran and Allurance angst!

Another not cool thing: the flash forward to... I want to say it was probably 10 years? Maybe 5. Something like that. The final time skip. Not cool. I want to know how all those things happened! I want to see how the relationships changed! Fanon and Headcanons are great and all but I want to know the real canon events!

Tying into that, I’m really disappointed that we didn’t get endgame Sheith. But the show isn’t about us, doesn’t have to include everything that we want. It belongs to the characters, and while Shiro didn’t end up with Keith (like he should have) he did get a happy ending! Even if I don’t know who the hell his husband is. That was a major achievement! A real homosexual kiss! Yay! LGBT rep! and all that. I wish we got more focus on this guy tho, so it didn’t feel so random. 

Here’s a new game. The Where’s Waldo version of Voltron season 8: Spot Curtis.

(Because apparently his name is Curtis. He shows up a lot? Apparently? But there’s literally no focus on him and how were we supposed to know he was important?)

(I image Shiro got to know him a lot more during the cut to the “1 year later” scenes, and also over the next 5-10 years to when we get those epilogue shots. They just never showed it and I’m salty about it. Who the hell is Curtis??)

(Also, this shows that Shiro definitely has a Type.)

Anyway. I love this show and, overall, I’m happy with this season. Of course I’m going to be reading Sheith fanfics for the rest of time, but I’m also going to be trying to get to know this new guy (whothehelliscurtis) and I’ll probably add... whatever the hell their ship name is to my list of ships, just like I did with Adashi. I ship Shiro with Happiness and if he gets that with Adam or Keith or Curtis, then I’m happy.

(Seriously, what is their ship name? I’ve seen Curo and Chiro but nothing seems set in stone? Of course it’s only been like 12 hours since anyone would have seen the wedding scene. Ship name possibilities: Takatis? Shurtis? Shirtis? Curashi? Cushi? Why is this guy named Curtis, there are no good options when merging Curtis with Shiro or Takashi.)

Oh! And speaking of the final time skip: it’s probably 10 years. Which means 11 years since the final battle. The fact that Shiro is still alive and well means his disease is gone! He’s going to live! Yay!

Also! To everyone complaining about the career choices of the characters in the end credits: It’s been like 10 years! It’s the future! I’m sure they stayed as pilots for a lot of those years! I’m sure they did other things before settling on what they did in the credits! And they have a lot of years after this to do other things! It’s just a snapshot of their lives! Calm down!

Ok, that’s all. This has been my super long rant about Voltron Season 8. 

Now, I’m going to avoid discourse like I did with season 7, and if anyone complains to me I’m going to play Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” at max volume.

TL;DR: I liked season 8 and believe its flaws reflect real life and how humans work during times of war. I still like this show and always will. I’m sad my OTP isn’t canon but that’s what fanfiction is for. I’m happy for Shiro and hope he lives a long happy life. Thank you JDS and LM for giving us this amazing show!

[discoursecatharsis]

I reported the Shurtis hatefics but was told that there's nothing they can do about it. Even though the content of the fics is clearly directed at real people, the author has disguised it as fictional so they can't be removed.

I’m sorry, that sucks :\ Ao3 is a double edge sword because it does allow so much freedom, but that leaves room for jerks to post troll fics too

[sourbons]

Saaaaaaaaaaj that leak? Is it rEaL!? Who is Shiro what with whomest?

shurtis is canon king 🤭🤭

[kokichis-dead-dove-club]

I think it's a little hypocritical of us as proshippers to try and report fic that just offends us on Ao3.. that's literally what antis do. And sure it's troll fic and it's meant to offend people, but we're supposed to defend all of that, unless it's directly attacking actual real people, not ships or characters who aren't real. Troll fics suck, but they aren't against Ao3's TOS (and we shouldn't aim to change the TOS that protects our fics from antis as well!)

you’re right, i’m gonna be really honest here and admit that i didn’t read the post that well and just kinda skimmed

i was thinking it was the person who went around leaving graphic comments on shurtis fics back when the show first ended

i’ll be making sure i read posts more carefully before reblogging them, i apologize

[desi-lgbt-fest]

student of the year should have been gay

we deserved rohan/abhi and shurti/shanaya

but of course karan johar,,,,the asshole

As much as I agree with you, let's agree, for the sake of evening, not to badname any real life people over the choice of 'not' to make anything explicitly gay. It was probably in a joking manner and not to take seriously, but just as a guideline for myself and others. Let's also not speculate about sexuality of real life actors in the course of evening, how does that sound?

That's such a great fanfic material tho! Rivals to friends to lovers!!! For both of them!!! Secret relationship!

[bollywoodreel]

shurti hassan spot with her boyfriend, shruti hassan family, in bikni, hot video - https://youtu.be/sB8ouCX1Vys Bollywood Reel to Real

[curtashiism]

(1/X) Hiya, hope your day is going okay! I saw as you got into V/oltron and was excited to see some new people getting into see the series and finding sh/eith! It sounds like you recently got some rude anons related to Cur/tashi (which is never okay, to be clear) and I was sad to see that. I think you may have been really surprised at the general vibe of people wanting to avoid Cur/tashi and I wanted to offer a bit of perspective and explain why that might be, if you wanted.

(2/X) To be clear, this isn’t to convince you to like or not like Cur/tashi at all, but to maybe understand better why some people are so upset by it and try so hard to avoid it. Again, this is not to explain away anyone being rude which is never acceptable, but just why other people may want so badly to avoid it. There’s a lot of really crazy behind-the-scenes stuff that went on that no one coming into this after the show ended would know that plays a big part in that.

(3/3) But also I’m not gonna just dump it on you if you’re not interested, so just an offer if you’d like to understand better, because I think why most sh/eith shippers avoid it so hard can be really confusing if you’re not aware. If you’re not interested, feel free to just ignore this. Anyways, like I said, this isn’t about excusing mean messages people sought you out to send, which is never okay, and I hope you’re doing better.

I appreciate the friendly message, anon.

I’m already well aware of the reason people don’t like the Curtashi ship itself. I’ve seen dozens of rants about how Curtashi is literally the WORST thing to EVER happen to the queer community and the writing staff totally used it to try and hurt the queer community and so it’s evil and no real queer person would ever actually like it. (yes, I am exaggerating a bit. But I have had people imply I must be a straight woman to like it [I am neither] or that it was done by the creators to be hurtful on purpose [also not true, the hurt was accidental, not deliberate.])

I don’t care that people hate Curtashi. I really don’t. There is nothing at all wrong with the concept of a NOTP. I’ve been close friends in past fandoms with people who ship my NOTP, or where I’m the one who ships THEIR NOTP. If the conversation was “I don’t like Curtashi, but you do, and that’s okay!” I would literally never have a single complaint.

I have a problem with the fact that I can’t go through the “Curtashi” or “Shurtis” tags on Twitter without seeing mean and spiteful Tweets that give no respect to the feelings of shippers, or even worse, imply that they deserve to have a bad fandom experience. I have a problem with the fact that a group of shippers who were targeted by antis turned around and started bullying another group of shippers yet claim it was different and not as bad so therefore it isn’t a problem. I have a problem with the fact that people treat it as some kind of betrayal to the queer community if a queer person says they know it wasn’t good rep, but they still like it for their own reasons.

I have a problem with the fact that when Curtashi shippers try to suggest the creation of a new tag on Twitter to avoid the endgame Sheith infidelity fics getting crosstagged while still letting Sheith shippers know what to blacklist, the Curtashi shippers get mocked and called oversensitive, showing that these people really do only care about the feelings of people who like their ship and upsetting Curtashi shippers is a feature, not a bug.

I have a problem with the fact that when I post about my upset feelings at the hostile environment fandom has creature to Curtashi shippers, I get responses like this (no offense, anon) that frame the issue as me having a problem with people not liking the SHIP, not as an issue of people having no respect for the SHIPPERS. I have a problem with the fact that people reframe the issue as me thinking everyone has to tolerate my ship, not as saying everyone has to respect the SHIPPERS who are just trying to create a happy and fun fandom space the same as Sheith shippers.

I have a problem with the fact that when I suggest things to try and show unity between Sheith shippers and Curtashi shippers, I get mocked. I have a problem with the fact that I, a nonbinary lesbian, am being told what I am and am not allowed to enjoy as a queer person by the same people who got angry at antis telling THEM what they were and were not allowed to enjoy.

I could not care less, not if I was offered physical money to try to care less, that people hate my ship. I care that people are going out of their way to make the fandom hostile for shippers.

[imwideawakeatfouroclock]

Pilgrimage

You can hear the heartbeat of Makkah from miles away, and I mean that quite literally. Well, maybe the word ‘heartbeat’ needs reframing, but let me explain: as you approach Masjid-e-Haram, everything will start thudding, in police sirens, loudspeakers, the pschpschpsch of officials conversing on walkie-talkies (I don’t know what else to call them). Hassan Bhai tries hard to assure us that his plan is according to schedule, that we will reach on time, before the police put the barricades up and we might have to wait for hours outside the Masjid, until the Taraweeh ends. But it’s honestly just pure luck, it’s all just a constant enunciation of “Hamdulilah!” in Hassan Bhai’s affected Arbi accent. We “Hamdulilah!” our way into the city, out of luck, and sometimes out of the split-second mercy of a police officer, because the driver points to Baba’s greying hair and weary eyes. “Abee zaee’f!” So then they let us in.

For the past few years, Ammi and I have given up on trying to pray inside the Masjid during Ramzan. This is because the women’s allotted sections inside the masjid  are usually very limited, so we have to make our way at-least 3 hours before prayer time to get a chance to pray inside. The biggest battle in Ramzan is for space; I’m always freaking out when we haven’t left for the masjid an hour before iftaar, but Ammi is as calm as ever. Until we actually get to the masjid, and have to head back to a safer place. A “safer” place means somewhere we can breathe, somewhere we can sit with all four limbs intact. So we clamber onto stalled escalators, dive into hotel lobbies, navigating between sitting, sleeping, snoring bodies, carving out space from somewhere, somewhere that remotely looks like floor and is not sealed with red tape, somewhere the police officers will not shoo us away from. It might sound stupid, but I almost got into a fight with a police officer in Medina, because Ammi couldn’t breathe and I had to take her out of the Masjid ASAP, and I wanted to take the shortest route but the Shurti wouldn’t let me, and I was trying to explain to her, broken Arabic, English, Urdu, and she put down a forceful hand on my arm, and I felt it so much, I felt it even after we had got to our room safely. It might sound stupid, but it made me cry, and it mattered so much to me, although I am still trying to figure out why. I think it’s because you hear fables of love about a city, and you want to experience it, but you experience a hurt instead. 

Anyway, the battle for space is real. It is truly the survival of the fittest, and then you have to let people and kids spill into the space you carve out for yourself, and sometimes it makes me angry when someone asks me to give up some part of my space that Ammi and I worked hard to find, but then I try to make myself understand that the struggle is real for all of us. So I try to move over and not be selfish. And we all pray in awkward positions.

Sometimes on Masjid floors, we are sitting with people who come from completely different lives. Sometimes they smirk when we narrate our “struggles”, because we still get to book a hotel room that’s near the masjid, we still get to go back to our room in between prayers, we still get to eat food in between those breaks and don’t have to wait for too long. We don’t have to walk for hours to reach our hotel rooms because part of the “worth” of a hotel in Makkah, Madinah is how near it is to the Masjid. You pay more, you get to be nearer. Some people say Masjid floors are equalizers; maybe in front of Allah ta’la they are, but not in terms of circumstance. There is no equality of living when we speak, when we sit, when we walk. Sometimes when I don’t have to pray or fast, and I am sitting somewhere on the sidelines, and it is iftaar time and everyone is handing out food for eating, I try to say no so that somebody else can have my share. But the aunties who hand them out look at me like I’m cray, and laugh, and force food into my hands because they think I’m being silly. Nothing goes to waste; you can give somebody bread or yoghurt and they will take it as a matter-of-fact, in ofcourse-ness.

We have to seriously revise our concepts of charity in Makkah, Madinah. We have to revise them as the four-wheel car we rent moves through a mass of bodies; their eyes meet us for a moment, but they pass over us, like we are not of consequence, like we are just another car trying to move through them. And we are; we are not of much consequence at all. Sometimes when we buy food, people take it out of our hands; we cannot ever be ‘heroes’, and thinking of ourselves as such is disgusting. “Charity” implies we are in positions to be thanked; but we are not to be thanked. That’s not the point, it can’t ever be. The things we buy are taken from our hands, and everyone moves along. 

One of our favourite moments is at Maghrib time. There is a split second after the azaan begins after which the millions and millions of people all go quiet – mostly because they have a date in their mouths to open their fasts. Imam Sudais is usally assigned to lead the Maghrib prayers; one of my strongest memories is sky going pink, us in the basement of the Masjid, the relief of breaking fast after a long, long day and a struggle for place, and standing up in prayer afterwards, and the Imam reciting, “Allahu noor-us-samaati wal arz.” There are funny things, too, like somebody taking a liking to us, and producing a packet of Dorritos from their bag furtively at iftaar time so we may take them, but not anybody else. One time, a girl was trying to talk to me in Arabic and some time passed before I realized I actually knew how to speak a little Arabic and I tried to tell her I was studying at a university; she looked at me in surprise, took a moment to gather some words in English to make herself understood, “Ant’i? Al-Jamiya? So small!” Once, two women met us outside the hotel restaurants; they were extremely skeptical of the empty space outside the restaurant doors, because the space was carpeted, AND it had loud speakers in place, so apparently it was a place to pray, but it was empty! They asked me four times to make sure Taraweeh was actually going to happen here, and they were mind-blown because one hour before prayer, there was no one here. Ofcourse the down-side to this empty, carpeted space was that it was extremely hot and there were no fans, so breath was hard to come by.

Every year, I learn Makkah, Madina in new ways. Every year, we work so hard with our hearts, but they also break. They are cities, after all, sites of construction, capital, consumption (I totally did that for alliteration. Some of it. Okay, I didn’t). For instance, I tried so hard to convince myself that the hand I felt in the crowd was just an accident, it was just an accident, it was -- it was not an accident. I blinked back tears, and was surprised at how ashamed I felt. I don’t know why I felt shame, even knowing that I had every right to be angry at this violation of body. 

There is also an image of me from last Ramzan; I am breathless and red, about to collapse, because I can’t keep up with the boys wheeling Ammi and Baba during Tawaaf. Hassan Bhai asks me if I need anything, but I’m stupid and I keep going, and I know I can’t for long, but in stupid hope I keep going. Hassan Bhai knows I will collapse horribly, so he gets me a wheel-chair and I’m so ashamed, because I want to walk with everyone else. I really do. But I keep saying my duas, and I can’t get up for the Sa’ee part either, so Hassan Bhai wheels me through the passages between Saffah and Marwah. 

In the last round, I beg him to let me get off, please let me do this last lap. He asks me if I’m sure, I’m not, but I still say yes, and take of my slippers and start running. This is not a good idea, but I keep running, I keep running, in desperation. Bodies shifting, straining in memory, knocking against my frames of knowledge: do you hear us?

“Ya Rab.”

[sadgirlrisa]

NOT TO BRING UP THE PAST BUUUUT

I gotta say, I’m actually really proud of myself in this moment. Found these texts while I was going through deleting screenshots. Wanted to take a minute to reflect on how I was then in relation to how I am now.

For context: This happened a little over a year ago. At this point, Randy and I had been broken up for a year but then started seeing each other again. We made it clear we didn’t want a relationship, everything was just casual. We were seeing each other pretty regularly, and at a certain point, I was feeling confident that we were going to get back together again. I drove up from Frederick to UMBC to hang out with Randy, thinking I’d stay the night. But he told me that he wanted to go over to a friend’s house and asked me to drop him off at their place. Randy told me I could still sleep over at his house if I didn’t want to drive back to Frederick, but he was going to sleep over at his friend’s house. When I asked him who it was, he said “Just someone I need to finish studying with because our exam is tomorrow and I’d rather just stay there and study.” I looked at him more intently with more intensity and asked again, “Who is it really.” And then he told me it was Shurti. A girl he had been telling me he was “just friends with” or “just saw as a friend” this whole time. I gave him benefit of the doubt, believed him, and didn’t think much of it. But at that moment, he was telling me he had been seeing her this whole time, they were interested in each other, and wanted to see where things would go. Basically, he had me come over to his house so that I could drive him to Shruti’s house.

In calmest, most sincere manner, I told him

 “Randy.

...you are a douchebag.” 

He didn’t say anything. He called and uber and left the house.

I obviously went home, and then sent him these texts  

So the reason why I’m bringing up this situation again is not to dig up the past and sulk on it. Rather, I really want to take some time to look back and really reflect on how I was then and how it built me to be the person I am now. I’m really proud of myself in this situation for being firm in how I valued myself and understood what I deserved. I was not going to excuse this kind of behavior. I think this taught me how to really articulate the situation and how to command respect without using anger or force. I’m proud of myself for explaining the reasons in why I wanted to block him without being completely hostile. Because it left open a window to forgiveness. Sometimes approaching this kind of situation with boiling anger and bitterness will teach the other party a lesson of regret and not wanting to repeat these actions again out of fear and guilt. However, lately I’ve been practicing deep and real forgiveness. It’s tremendously hard to do because the initial instinct is anger and hostility, and that shit is really hard to fight off. Afterall, we’re only human, and we have every right to be upset at these types of situations. But if we can learn to fight this anger, come to true clarity about the situation, and learn to forgive... it will have a tremendously profound effect on our character. When you learn to forgive, your life clears itself of the muggy and negative feelings that have been lingering in your life. When you forgive, you let go completely and reach a new form of freedom in your mind. When you learn to forgive, it becomes so much easier to be happy.

I recently faced with a situation that almost echoed this one, I was swallowed up in so much anger and nearly sunk into an emotional hole. But the MOMENT I caught myself sinking, I instinctually snapped myself out of it. I literally took both of my hands and snapped them. At that moment, my mind cleared for a second. I then proceeded to deeply breathe in order to control my anxiety. When my emotions were steady, but only by a string, the first thing I said to myself was “Forgive.”

[discoursecatharsis]

The person going around calling Shurtis shippers/Curtis fans homophobes and not real Shiro fans is an Otayuri shipper who's had to deal with antis in the past. You'd think with that history they'd be kind to other fans with controversial ships, instead of turning anti themselves. It always surprises me when I see someone who gets shit for their ships turn around and give other shippers shit. You didn't like it being done to you so why in blue purple hell would you do it to someone else.

~

[discoursecatharsis]

I think Twitter is more of a problem in terms of anti Shurtis behaviour than Tumblr. Maybe cause there’s no real tagging system so you can’t really check if a VLD fan account is anti Shurtis before you follow, and cause they think it’s justified they don’t put it in their bios. So you’ll follow someone for art or fun posts then suddenly there’ll be a butt-tonne of anti-Shurtis on your timeline. It’s frustrating and hurtful at times, but will hopefully die down. (1/2)

Yeah it’s hard to avoid hate posts on twitter because no one uses tags (since tags take up number of characters, people don’t like to add unnecessary text to their tweets). If I’m bothered by someone being salty, I just mute them for a few days/weeks until they calm down