#side note but I genuinely did not realize that 'double suicide' is in the title of the series

[grassbreads]

I've been rereading more slowly through SGRS since I binged through the whole thing in one day the first time, and god.

In Kikuhiko's first rakugo performance after he and Sukeroku do their play, he does a story about a woman searching for someone to commit double suicide with her. Specifically, the only bits of his longer performance that are transcribed into the manga are snippets of this central character picking out and beginning to seduce the man she wants to target.

Kiku finds himself when he does the play with Sukeroku. He finds something fundamental in both the female role he puts on and the way he's able to command the audience's attention to him. And that's what becomes his connection to rakugo—it's a place where he can find belonging and adoration showing off that aspect of himself. So as the first performance after that, Kiku's performance of Shinagawa Shinjuu is a beginning of sorts. It's the start of his true love affair with rakugo.

And in that moment, we're shown Kiku performing a scene of a woman choosing the man with whom she'll commit lovers' suicide. Kiku—the man who decades later muses constantly about taking rakugo as an art form to death with him—starts his career in earnest performing as a woman who's just decided who she wants to take to death with her.

Then the scene goes on, and we get a little snippet of Kiku as the woman beginning to seduce her lover to death. In the same way as Kiku is seducing his audience into his story, and just as rakugo is truly seducing him. Kiku is the seductress in the story and in his performance, but by nature of the art form, he's also the naive man seduced to death. He's playing all roles. If Kiku wants his love affair with rakugo to end in death, then equally, rakugo leads him to his own demise.

As an old man, Kiku sets fire to the theater and just about makes that double suicide a reality. The building is eventually rebuilt, however, and Kiku's family and friends carry on the torch of rakugo. It's only Kiku himself who dies not too long after. He's saved in the moment by his chosen family and connections, yes. He says that he was ultimately denied his lovers' suicide. And yet, his final performance to the dead seems to mark the beginning of the end for him.

Kiku's first performance after the play is, in every way, a brilliant moment of intertextuality. Kikuhiko is Osome deciding she wants to die, implicitly tying his discovery of what rakugo means to him to suicide. He's Osome choosing who to die with as he truly chooses his art form. He's Osome entrancing the audience like they're the foolish Kinzo. He's Osome seducing rakugo itself to die with him—taking the first true steps down the path that will lead to him becoming the be all end all of the art (emphasis on the potential for him to end all). He's Kinzo being seduced by the offer of suicide with rakugo. He's Kinzo being entranced by the adoration of the audience like Osome's so-called love.

For this moment of Kiku coming into his own and entering his doomed love affair with rakugo, there's no narrative that could have suited him better.

[anxiouspotatorants]

It is time. It is finally time for the new Suicide Squad rant (and spoilers will be plentiful):

As someone who was into DC Comics and comics in the mid to late 2010s and had so much hype for the first Suicide Squad movie only to be let down, I was so nervous for this one. I knew it was going to be a roller coaster, but whether I would come out happy or disappointed was up in the air. Having just seen it I will say this: I have no idea if this was a good movie-movie. It was insane. The comedy. The violence. The high emotion. I’m still trying to take it all in. But one thing I do know is that this is an amazing Suicide Squad movie. Gunn and co took the best parts of the comic concept and went batshit with it and that is how this property should be handled (in my opinion). Screw edgelordisms, we need full on insanity free of aiming for shock-value or sexy brutality we want chaos baby.

Starting the whole movie as they did, with Savant as the POV for a mission (or part of the mission) that just goes to hell immediately and kills off so many before the title arrives is the perfect way to start this movie. Like the second I realized this was how they were doing it I was just smiling from ear to ear, this is the spirit of the property.

Part of me wishes we got more Amanda Waller, but what we had was impeccable. Then again, this is Viola Davis we’re talking about, and if she was born to play any character in a superhero story, it is Amanda Waller.

And points to her tech team, introducing them with the death bets was just a lovely way to show how regular this is and how awful everyone is in this movie.

I’m not going to pretend like Deadshot and Bloodsport didn’t have the exact same character- and plot premises… but I will say that Bloodsport felt better executed.

I love that they kept some of the past members and not just Harley. Rick Flag got to have a full personality and interactions with his team members and to be a true leader and it made me so happy for someone who initially did not give a single shit about his character. The Harley friendship? The Dubois friendship? The friendship with that guerilla leader? Amazing. The one American soldier in fictional media I genuinely like. You go Mr Flag.

The new members were… they were insane in the best way. Gone are the shitty stereotypes and present are some of the wackiest creations to ever grace the mainstream movie-sphere (aka the slightly less normal comic creations): A man who has to shoot out polka dots two times a day so as not to die from a space virus. A giant child murdering weasel. A guy who detaches his limbs and slaps people with said detached limbs. King Shark. The second person to command rats with a fancy gadget. They are all crazy and all weird and all more or less morally repulsive people and I love them.

The amount of times I did a double take over the soundtrack I swear. Jessie Reyez? The Pixies? It was so much fun to pick up on once I did.

Was the depiction of a vague Latin American country stereotypical? Yes. Was the secret American involvement predictable and felt mildly patronizing from a non-American, part Latina point of view? Yep. But damn it if I didn’t have a good time with those stereotypes and laugh my ass off at how well executed some were. I don’t know if it was meant as parody, but that one secretary has me thinking so — and if so I am pleased.

Speaking of Latino dictators Harley’s one day romance with one of the villains was something I never knew I needed. Like it was so perfect for Harley that when it happened I almost hit myself for not realizing that this kind of plot should be a normal thing for Harley. And the end of it? Perfect not only in this standalone movie, but also in conjunction with the first and with BoP.

The Taika Waititi cameo??? Oh my god??? I did not expect that and I love it?? Sir, What We Do in the Shadows is impeccable.

Rick Flag’s death actually surprised me. It shouldn’t as this is Suicide Squad, but I kind of expected him to be on Harley’s level of unkillable (because let’s face it, no one kills Harley). What I will say is that his death was good and his final words and actions made me love him all the more. I hope this spawns more Rick Flag content, or at least inspires me to look at what already exists, if he already is as this movie made him (it’s been ages since I read one of the Suicide Squad reboot comics okay).

Starro. How can a villain be so wacky and so terrifying at the same time? I did not expect a literal alien starfish to have more terrifying powers and a more tragic plot execution than Enchantress. But here we are. And that damn star just wanted to be floating in space, and instead it was stuck getting revenge by killing and puppeteering human corpses. Wow that thing was creepier the more you think about it.

I don’t know what I think about Polka Dot Man. I loved watching him on screen but also damn those mommy-issues were on a new level. Not just in his backstory but how he literally sees her in every person around him that was insane. Very funny but like also the kind that makes you laugh just because you’re uncomfortable and don’t know how else to releive the tension.

When Waller got knocked out by a staff member I immediately thought «oh my god Amanda Waller is going to kill half the staff for this», so I’m mildly surprised and disappointed that I didn’t get to see that happen. But also I should maybe expect something like this in a potential future Suicide Squad movie. We can’t have everything in a movie as packed as this.

Peacemaker was very horrible and worked really well. Don’t really have much to say about him, not because I didn’t enjoy him but because I already feel like the film itself has said it for me. But the planting and payoff for his death? Chef’s. Kiss.

Harley’s wardrobe was beautiful. Ratcatcher 2’s combat outfit felt like a steampunk plague dream. Bloodsport’s mask was supercool. Rick Flag’s t-shirt was amazing. But the best little outfit was the Mafalda-keychain and her red dress, hands down. Oh and King Shark’s fake moustache finger moment.

King Shark is shaped like a friend I don’t care how many people he ate alive on screen he looks so huggable. It feels like wanting to pet a bear. You know it will kill you but damn it look at those paws and those cute eyes!

I really need to give it to not just James Gunn but the entire production team for this movie. The aesthetic was perfect. The story was the right blend of whimsical and violent. The finished product was a literal rollercoaster and I mean that in a good way. If superhero movies have to be like amusement parks, I hope they’re more like this one and BoP.

I’ll finish on the note that while I think this movie was great and hopefully a step in the right direction for the DCU/DCEU (as in stop trying to play Marvel’s game and just do your own thing/ let your creative teams run wild and free), it is not the first step. Cathy Yan, Birds of Prey and the production team for it took a step first, and they deserve due credit and attention. If you loved this Suicide Squad movie and haven’t watched BoP yet, do so. Because they really are in the same ballpark while doing things in slightly different ways. And any good DCEU movie deserves more attention so the studios know that creativity and risks should be rewarded. I want more DC movies like this, not necessarily in genre but in creative risks. I want a Black Canary rock movie. I want Alfred in a reverse heist movie alone in the batcave against Gotham villains. I want Gotham Academy on screen play by play from the comics. I want a fully animated psychedelic-like Khalid Nassour as Dr. Fate movie. I want elevated horror movie Constantine. I want weird ass Lois Lane journalist movies with a heavy side of Superman. And I want DC movies I didn’t even know I wanted.

Support creativity in mainstream comic movies. Help me become a DC fan and happy about it again.

[charmingyong]

The Dangerous Silence of Your Lipstick - Pt.1

Prologue Part 2

Full Title: The Dangerous Silence of Your Lipstick - Part 1

Genre: mafia leader!Taeyong x actress!reader, suspense, thriller, slight action, fluff, angst

Warnings: doppelganger, obsession, stalking, alcohol consumption, swearing, shootings as in killings, firearm usage, character deaths, psycho, dealing/coping with traumatic news/events, kidnapping, blood, bombing, mention of suicide, one scene that looks like reader will be taken advantage of but isn’t

Word count: 23k

Characters: some members from NCT DREAM, 127, WAYV, U, and SUPERM

Plot: You were the most popular actress in South Korea while Taeyong was an infamous mafia leader in the underworld. The same Taeyong you didn’t know your life was already connected with. For a particular date, you went to a nightclub only for those with an elite status, not knowing that your life was going to change after. All because you came into the eyes of the one and only Lord.

Disclaimer: The plot and characters are for entertainment and fictional purposes only. The characters do not represent the true personalities of the idols casted and immoral behaviours/actions are not acceptable in real life.

A/N: Please read the prologue before reading this. Also, actress!reader only lives in South Korea and is not necessarily of a Korean ethnicity. Main song of inspiration: Lipstick by NCT 127

© 2021 charmingyong.

- ❀ -

You pressed on the accelerator, driving as fast as you could. They were going to kill you if they found out. Actually, they wouldn’t. They respected you so much to even consider getting mad at you. Though you fully knew that you were going to be meeting his wrath.

A dimly lit house came into view and approaching closer, you realized that it was a small eatery. Thinking that it wouldn’t hurt to make a stop for a stomach refuel, you drove around to the backside of the house where the trees of the forest would shield your car from potential stalkers. The chances were slim when you were out in the countryside, but it was better to be safe than having yourself land in more trouble and receive a double dosage of his wrath.

Similarly, someone did the same with their huge black SUV.

The door chimed as you walked in, finding the seating area in your view empty. An elderly woman appeared shortly from the back. “Hello- Ah! It’s a pleasure to have you here, Y/N-ssi. Please have a seat anywhere you wish.” You smiled politely in response and sat down at a table in the middle of the room, facing the entrance in order to keep an eye out. The lady came to stand beside you. “Would you like my ramen specialty?”

You nodded. “Yes, anything will do.”

In a secluded room to the side, a group of men were enjoying their first meal of the early morning.

“Woah!” Jungwoo swallowed before he could properly chew it down.

“The food tastes so good!” Lucas exclaimed.

It seemed more like a competition between Jungwoo and Lucas as to who would eat the most.

“You guys are eating as if we’ve been starved,” Kun commented.

“Technically we were because of the mission,” Johnny pointed out.

Taeyong watched the boys eat without much of an expression, combing his messy red hair back to relieve some stress that hadn’t left him yet. “Do you want more?” he asked the hungry boys.

Lucas requested for one more bowl, while Jungwoo asked for two.

“I’ll go tell the lady.” Kun was about to get up until the leader stopped him.

“You eat.” Taeyong pushed his barely-eaten bowl for the others to finish. “I’ll go.”

Taeyong walked out of the room, noticing your lonely figure at a table with your back facing him. He called out for the lady and she rushed out, making a mental note of his requested servings.

“Ah, I see. Please have a seat. It shouldn’t take too long.” She genuinely smiled at him and dashed back into the kitchen.

Taeyong shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at your figure again. Weird for a woman like her to be alone at this time, he thought, looking at your designer clothing and then at the wall clock in the room. It was nearly 4:30 am, and something tugged inside him to stroll up to the empty chair in front of you. “May I have a seat?” he asked nonchalantly. But when he finally got a look of your face, he froze.

You were the actress in his dream.

You jumped in surprise, confusedly blinking at him and wondered where he came from. Though the sounds from a room off to the side answered your unspoken question. Nodding, you mumbled an awkward “sure,” uncertain of why he wanted to sit with you.

Taeyong shook out of his thoughts and sat down, leaning back against the chair. He sported a black denim jacket with matching cargo pants. Even though his red hair was as messy as a bed hair would look, he looked as if he were ready to walk down the runaway.

A runaway that you’d surely lose if you were to compete with him.

Clearing your throat, you pushed the thoughts aside and asked, “Do you know me?”

A very faint yet sexy smile tugged at one end of his chapped lips. “Who doesn’t?”

The stranger was spot on with that. “What’s your name?” you asked, not out of politeness for the fan that you assumed he was, but because of the aura he emitted.

Taeyong crossed his arms in front of his chest and heaved out a long exhale through his nose, his eyes twinkling in amusement by your curiosity. No stranger had ever dared to inquire his name in his world, and he was positive that you didn’t know who he really was as his people were usually anonymous in your world.

His silence was beginning to make you think that the man wanted to remain unidentified until you heard his deep voice again.

“Taeyong.”

The lady walked out of the kitchen with a tray of four bowls. “Here it is, young lady,” she piped and turned to Taeyong. “I’ll give these to your friends.”

He gave her a nod and she disappeared from your side.

You grabbed a pair of chopsticks from the bundle in the bamboo holder and began digging into your meal, letting out a content sigh as your insides went warm for finally having put something into your empty stomach.

Taeyong silently watched you slurping your noodles, making you notice it and paused. Did he already finish eating with his friends? “Are you going to eat?”

He didn’t give you a verbal response, opting to collect a pair of chopsticks from the holder and gathered some noodles onto his eating utensil from your bowl. You froze, not believing that he had just done that with you. Your gaze locked on his face with a gaping expression.

Taeyong noticed it and placed the food in his mouth, maintaining eye contact with you while moaning lowly in satisfaction. The sound resonated within you and you felt butterflies violently crash in your stomach. When he went into your bowl for the third time, he asked, “Are you going to eat?”

The smirk on his face made you speechless, as if you weren’t already beforehand. With a slow hand, you forced yourself to continue eating, pushing aside the fact that you were sharing a meal with a man you only knew his name. It was technically your fault that you weren’t clear with your question, and you didn’t realize that you had indirectly invited him to have a few bites of your meal. You didn’t have the heart to stop him because of the way he deliciously slurped up the noodles as if he hadn’t been eating well until then.

After you both finished your bowl, a couple of rowdy men followed by some quiet ones walked out of their room. Kun went to pay for the food while Lucas dashed to your side.

“Oh my goodness, Y/N-ssi!”

You flinched at the high-pitched scream of your name. That man was no doubt a fanboy of yours. “Hello,” you greeted with a courteous smile.

“I’m a huge fan of yours and I’m so honoured to meet you! My name is Lucas,” he beamed, giggling like an excited little child.

“I’m Jungwoo. I am a fan too,” another boy spoke softly with a sweet, melodic voice. His smile was irresistibly adorable and you couldn’t help but mirror it.

“It’s nice to meet you, Lucas and Jungwoo.” Your eyes trailed to a tall man who chose silence. Johnny glanced at his boss whose glimmering eyes were locked on you.

Kun appeared beside Taeyong and said to him, “We should get going.”

Taeyong stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets. “And it was nice meeting you, Y/N,” he drawled in a husky voice.

Once all the boys left your sight, you shivered visibly, liking the way your name fell from Taeyong’s lips. The elderly woman stepped up beside you. “Would you like another serving, young lady?”

You definitely did, especially after Taeyong ate half your bowl. “Yes please.”

As the boys made their way over to their vehicle, Lucas asked, “Boss, are you a fan of Y/N-ssi?” He was surprised that his leader interacted with a random female who was in fact the most popular actress that he greatly admired.

Taeyong recalled your beautiful eyes and the velvety red lipstick on your lips and smiled to himself. “Consider me one from now on.”

- ❀ -

Snap snap.

You jumped at the sudden sight of a hand snapping fingers. Haechan stood beside your sitting form on the couch with fume coming out of his nose.

“Noona, stop getting lost in your thoughts!”

“Stop yelling at her. Is this some way to speak with the country’s sweetheart?” Renjun exasperated.

“Then what do I do?” he shouted at the older boy. “She left on her own without any one of us and had us worried to death for her safety all night! And you’re expecting me to stay calm? Un-fucking-believable.”

The doors opened to your penthouse and Doyoung, your manager, walked in with drinks from your favourite coffee shop. “Here Y/N.” He placed your caramel macchiato on the coffee table, along with a bag containing the rest of the drinks for the others to fetch on their own. He then smacked Haechan hard in the head.

“Ow! What the hell Doyoung!”

Doyoung sighed. “Have some manners. I can hear you from outside, you little brat.”

“But noona-”

“She’s smart enough to know how to get out of situations on her own. But I agree. You shouldn’t have gone without any one of us. It could have been dangerous,” he told you.

Your mind went back to recall the man from early morning. You usually wouldn’t think about someone after meeting them for a short time, but Taeyong was intriguing.

“See? Her mind is clearly somewhere else! She has a schedule today and if her brain isn’t working, how is she going to deliver her lines?” Haechan had enough of your lack of response and stormed off to the kitchen.

Doyoung sat down beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder and shook you gently. “Y/N, are you okay?”

Before you could respond, the front doors opened again, revealing Jeno, Jaemin and a face that you hadn’t seen before.

“We explained the work to Sungchan. He’s going to be your new personal assistant,” Jeno stated.

Your eyebrows scrunched up. “What do you mean new assistant?” You already had Renjun, Jeno, Haechan and Jaemin. Why on earth did you need a fifth one?

Jaemin answered, “He’s going to be with you 24/7. And I mean like everywhere you go.”

You blinked at the boys before turning to your manager. “What are they saying?”

“You heard them. Having Sungchan glued with you will be the best for everyone. He’ll be able to inform us about your whereabouts, wherever and whenever.”

Sungchan nervously fidgeted with his fingers and bowed down a perfect 90 degrees. “Hello, I’m Sungchan. I will do my best to look after Y/N-ssi.”

You looked between the boys with a questioning look. “You guys just picked him up and assigned him to be my personal assistant and supposed guardian after what I did last night?”

Renjun replied, “We’ve actually been considering for a while and he’s trustworthy too, being within our network. We know we’re not always available for you because we have our own personal schedules. That’s why we’re assigning Sungchan to you.”

You looked up at the tall young boy who was anxiously chewing on his lips. An uncomfortable ball formed at the back of your throat for a reason mysterious to you, and you picked up your drink to gulp it down.

- ❀ -

“Ah, there’s my favourite girl!”

Chenle walked up to you with a big smile, hands in his pockets and his eyes hidden behind a pair of large black sunglasses. Why was he wearing shades inside the building? He was the president of the agency that your contract was under. Jisung, his secretary, followed closely behind him and waved at you timidly. You knew he was a fan of yours based on his subtle fanboying gestures.

“Hello Chenle-ssi,” you bowed your head a little in respect and flashed them both a smile.

“I got you another acting role, and the casting director is having a meeting today with the entire cast. I know you can handle having two dramas after going through that tough time when having to juggle four.”

You let the information sink in and nodded. “Who’s the male lead?”

He smirked. “He’s your favourite.”

After they walked away, you turned to Sungchan, opening your mouth to explain the procedure. But he beat you to it, putting his palm up. “I know what to do.”

You raised your eyebrows, impressed by the newbie. “You’re quick.”

He laughed nervously. “Well yeah. It’s something I had to do in my previous position.”

You tilted your head curiously. “Oh, what were you doing?”

“I was in charge of making schedules and informing everyone of meetings. The only thing different with you is that I’m actually by your side everywhere you go.”

“I see. Who was it that you worked for?”

Sungchan diverted from your gaze for a brief second. “Um, it’s confidential.”

Oh. You knew better than to pry confidential information. “Sorry about that.”

He shook his head. “No worries.”

-

Sungchan opened the door to the conference room where the meeting of your new drama was being held at. The room was already occupied by most of the crew and you greeted everyone as sincerely as possible. Your eyes did a double take when you spotted a particular idol from the distance.

“Omo, Baekhyun?”

He met your eyes and laughed. “Yup, that’s me.”

You gaped at him. “Wow, so you’re the main lead? That’s a first.” You had worked with Baekhyun a couples of times, growing comfortable with his playful side behind the scenes. If Baekhyun was the male lead, then Chenle was right with Baekhyun being one of your many favourites.

Baekhyun scoffed. “Main lead? Me? I wish. I’m only a side character as usual.”

You hid your disappointment. “Oh. Then who am I acting with?”

His eyes shifted to the entrance located behind you. “Ooo~ Looks like he’s here.”

You spun around and your heart began beating faster upon learning who your main co-star was.

Lee.

Fudging.

Tae.

Damn.

Min.

“No way,” you breathed out.

“Yes way,” Baekhyun whispered in your ear.

Taemin spotted you and made his way over with a huge grin. “Woah! Y/N-ssi! It’s great to see you again.”

Your heart thumped in your chest. Chenle definitely was right on Taemin being your favourite. In fact, he was in the top three along with Ji Changwook and Park Haejin. Even though you had only worked with Taemin once, it was enough to set your heart flying in the sky. It was no wonder that his warm personality along with a sense of humour had his fans going crazy for him.

Including you.

“Same here,” you giggled.

Baekhyun snickered. “Is the heart of the nation’s sweetheart a crumbling mess?”

You kicked Baekhyun in the shin and he yelped.

After the meeting was over, you said your goodbyes to the crew. In the midst of Sungchan explaining your schedule for the rest of the week, Taemin jogged up to you.

“Y/N-ssi, are you busy tonight?”

You looked at Sungchan in case he failed to mention something for that night. Thankfully, he shook his head. “No, I’m not busy.”

He placed his right hand on the left side of his chest and let out a ‘phew’. “Thank goodness. I want to ask if you want to come with me to a nightclub.”

“Nightclub?” You shook your head, feeling apologetic. “Sorry, I don’t go to nightclubs.”

“No no! It’s not like what you think. It’s a place where only those with an elite status are allowed in, and you don’t need to show an ID because only the most recognizable faces are accepted in.”

That sounded interesting. You wouldn’t have to worry about your fans stalking their way in. “But that would mean that my people wouldn’t be able to come in though, right?” You side glanced at Sungchan and he gave you a puppy look. If you went, then Sungchan wouldn’t be able to enter.

“Yeah, but my manager just goes to a place nearby and waits there. In case of an emergency, at least they’ll be able to come to us quickly.”

Even though that sounded like a good idea, you knew Haechan was going to hate the idea. But you were going to this nightclub and have some fun with your crush without having someone watch over you.

“Okay, sounds great. Text me the address.” You faced your assistant and gave him a gesture of zipping his lips up.

- ❀ -

You jumped on your bed, burying your face into the luxe pillows as you squealed in happiness. The thought of having a date with Taemin gave you a fuzzy feeling in your heart.

Haechan watched you with hands on his hips as he judged you super hard. He turned to the boy beside him and asked, “What’s going on?”

Sungchan let out a shaky breath, unsure of the consequences he’d face if you found out that he told Haechan. “She’s meeting Taemin at our nightclub.”

-

Sungchan pulled up the car to the entrance of the club.

Your heart accelerated, grateful for Taemin to suggest such an awesome idea. “Thank you, Sungchanie. For not telling anyone, especially Haechan.”

He bit his lower lip to stop himself from spilling the truth. After informing Haechan, Haechan called up his contacts to let them know of your visit, trusting them to keep an eye on you inside.

You stepped out of the vehicle, your ankle strap sandals clicking to the tarmac. The leather clutch grasped tightly in your hold, containing your only source of contact. Brushing your hand through your hair, you elegantly marched over to the security guards. One of them gave you a quick glance, recognizing you immediately and talked over his walkie talkie. “Y/N is here.”

A guy that you faintly remembered seeing somewhere came out and smiled at you. “Hello Y/N-ssi, I’m Kun. Please come with me.” He gestured for you to follow him.

“Does everyone get escorted like this?” you asked curiously.

“No, only ones we get contacted for.”

You turned to look at your assistant, who was watching the scene through the window. As long as he didn’t tell anyone from your crew, you thought.

You followed the man named Kun inside. The music blared from the speakers and resounded throughout the area, a huge bar off to the side providing a vast array of imported selections. People were dancing on the main floor under the flashing lights while some sat in the red booths and chattered amongst themselves. There was a staircase that led to the second floor, offering VIP rooms for privacy.

“Kun, I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere.”

He smiled at you. “You have. Early morning at the restaurant.”

It dawned to you. He was one of the men from that group. The group with the dazzling red haired that sat with you. “Oh right! By the way, where are you taking me?” You realized that he was leading you to the staircase.

“I was informed to have you be taken to the VIP room. It’ll be safer for you there.”

You stopped in your tracks. “I’m here to have fun. I’m not going somewhere safer when this place is guarded and for big people anyway.”

Kun gave you a curt nod. He searched for someone and beckoned them over. “Mark and Lucas will be watching over you then.” With that, he left for upstairs.

You huffed and crossed your arms, annoyed that you were still being looked after at a supposed safe place.

Two boys appeared beside you. “Hi Y/N-ssi, it’s a pleasure to watch over you. I’m Mark,” he grinned.

“Y/N-ssi! Do you remember me?” Lucas asked loudly with the familiar high-pitched voice.

You remembered and nodded. “Yes I do.” You flashed him a smile to be polite and wondered when Taemin would arrive.

Mark looked behind you. “Oh! Boss is here.”

Boss?

You swirled around to see who their boss was, your heart stopping when your eyes landed on a familiar red haired man entering the nightclub with numerous men in black behind him. He wore a black formal suit with a white-collar shirt beneath, a couple buttons undone revealing his honey smooth skin, and hands resting in his pockets to radiate a powerful aura. His hair was styled up, revealing a couple of silver earrings dangling from his left ear, sparkling under the dancing lights.

It was the same man who sat with you and captivated you with his strong charisma.

He strolled for the second floor, slowing his steps once his razor sharp eyes landed on you. His gaze burned into yours, holding a glint in them before shifting them to your lips. A small smirk formed upon seeing your coral lipstick. For a moment, you forgot how to breathe, his intimidating features a slight contrast to his softer one from earlier.

He redirected his eyes to ascend the stairs and once out of sight, Lucas whistled. “Our boss is hot, isn’t he?”

You raised your eyebrow at him. “You speak like that of your boss?”

“Of course! It’s a fact. He’s literally able to woo anyone into doing business with us, thanks to both his face and skills.”

Wow. You never got called pretty by your own people when you carried the entire acting industry on your back. Instead, Haechan behaved like a brat with you. You were too lenient with him, having Doyoung hire him and the others because he had known them ever since they were little kids and thought they’d be best at the job for you once trained.

Even though Haechan would be a pain to deal with at times, he knew how to melt your heart with his soft words. Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin held a lot more respect for you, which stopped you from losing your mind at times.

“What business does he do?” you asked them.

Mark glanced warily at Lucas. All Lucas answered was, “It’s confidential.”

You huffed and looked towards the entrance, waiting for the man who you were there for initially. After a few minutes of keeping your eyes trained at the guarded exit, you finally saw him.

Except this Taemin emitted a whole different vibe with men armed behind him like the way there was with Taeyong. He wore a classic black long coat with a collar shirt underneath, a tie neatly secured around his neck, and a pair of black dress pants with sleek shiny dress shoes. His blonde hair was styled up, a contrast to his usual style down, and you were slightly terrified of his dark smoky eyes.

What was up with men looking scarier at the nightclub?

He followed the same trail as Taeyong to the staircase. Unlike Taeyong, he halted his steps altogether once his eyes landed on you.

You felt like a dear trapped in headlights, and your breathing stopped as you held his intense gaze. His stoic expression permanent on his features ever since the second he stepped foot into the club.

He moved again, shifting his eyes away from you and disappearing to the second floor. Once gone, you panted for breath. He was not the same Taemin as yours. He could not be your adorable sweetheart of a co-actor. Yours never made you feel terrified. Yours always made your heart flutter around him.

You turned to the boys for answers. “Who the hell was he?” you asked with your tone laced in desperation.

-

The man leisurely strolled into the VIP room. Taeyong waited for him at a table, along with Kun and his other men right behind. The man’s men filed around behind him as he took a seat across from the red haired. He leaned forward, clasping his hands on the table as his eyes held a dangerous glint from being blessed with your presence earlier.  

“Shall we get started?”

-

“Who? The guy that just passed?” Mark asked.

You nodded frantically.

“Sorry Y/N-ssi. We’re not allowed to say his name,” he responded.

Your brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Mark swirled his finger around. “His men are around here among the bodies. For security purpose, no one is allowed to learn his name. Otherwise they’ll face consequences.”

What the hell? Security? Consequences? Why would Lee Taemin be associated with those? Sure he was an actor, but he had clearly mentioned that he would be coming in alone. “But I’m supposed to be meeting someone right now who looks exactly like him!” you reasoned. “I can’t believe what I just saw.” Your head was spinning due to your unrhythmic breathing. Was that really your Taemin?

Lucas stayed silent the entire time, knowing exactly who you were referring to. Even he couldn’t believe what he had witnessed.

“Who? Him?” Mark pointed casually at the man making his way over to you.

“Y/N-ssi!” Your name was called over the loud music and the owner of the voice made your ears peak interest for it. You turned around and at last was blessed to see the man that you were there for.

Finally your sweet adorable Taemin!

“Taemin-ssi!” you beamed and waved your arm happily, super relieved that the man from earlier was just his look alike.

Taemin laughed and joined your side. “I hope I didn’t make you wait too long.”

“You didn’t, and I’m so glad you showed up. I was going to lose my mind if you came any later,” you grinned.

His eyes crinkled, forming crescent moons. “Why is that? You missed me that much?”

You chuckled softly. “Well... yes but apparently someone came in right before you and looked exactly like you.”

Taemin’s eyes enlarged. “Woah! Someone looks exactly like me? No way!”

You nodded and turned to the two boys looking after you, giving them a look to confirm the detail.

Mark nodded. “Yes, Y/N-ssi is right. He’s actually doing business with our boss right now.”

Lucas knew Lee Taemin, having seen your drama with him and chimed in, “Yeah! He’s exactly your doppelganger.”

Taemin raised his eyebrows up. “That’s so cool! I really want to see him.”

But you didn’t want to. “I’m not feeling well. Can we leave?” The mere thought of having to see the man again left an unsettling feeling in your stomach.

“What? Why?”

“I don’t feel safe.”

“But-”

“I know this place is guarded but that guy just... makes me feel scared?” You weren’t sure how to explain it to Taemin. It was only a gut feeling of yours, for heaven’s sake.

Mark stepped closer to you, and you stepped back on impulse. He smiled at you. “Don’t worry, I just wanted to show you something.” He lifted his shirt, barely enough for you to catch a glimpse of a pistol resting in his waistband and you gasped. “We’re armed, so you don’t have to worry about anyone trying to hurt you. And our boss wouldn’t even allow for such thing to happen here anyway. You’re in safe hands, Y/N-ssi.”

You pressed your lips together. Whether the boys were armed or not wasn’t the point. They weren’t going to do anything with someone simply looking in your way. You felt uneasy with the unknown man’s burning gaze on you and it was only for a few damned seconds.

The said man emerged from the room and descended down the stairs, making eye contact with you once again. The frightening feelings returned and so you faced away from him. Taemin caught sight of the man, taking a sharp intake of breath as the two glued their eyes on one another. The nameless man was no doubt a mirror image of himself.

The stranger diverted his eyes away and strode out of the club.

“Woah,” Taemin breathed out.

“Damn right, dude,” Lucas piped in. “This is my first time seeing two people alike who aren’t related.”

You sighed deeply and turned to Taemin. “I wanna leave. I’m really tried.” The stress of Taemin’s lookalike had worn you out.

Mark pulled out his walkie talkie, pressing a button. “Kun hyung, Y/N-ssi wants to leave.”

What? “Mark, why are you informing him?” Did you really need a permission to leave?

Kun turned to Taeyong. “Y/N-ssi will be leaving.”

Taeyong gave him a soft hum, hands in his pockets as he watched you below from the second floor.

- ❀ -

A short break was granted after wrapping up your scene with the second female lead, and Sungchan jogged up to you with your water bottle. The sun was shining brightly as it hit midday, and you were starting to get a little hungry.

“I wish I could snack on something,” you muttered, retrieving the bottle and taking small sips to prevent your makeup from getting ruined.

“Should I get you something?” he asked.

You shook your head. “I rather after finishing up the last scene for today.” You weren’t going to put something in your mouth when the next scene involved Taemin.

It was a week after the incident and you hadn’t heard back from Taemin. Being the busy actor he was, you understood that. But you wished he contacted you with just a simple ‘hi.’

A van with heavily tinted windows screeched to a stop right outside the perimeter of the set. A man that you recognized being his manager hopped out of the front and scurried over to open the back door, revealing the one and only man that you looked forward to seeing again. Taemin stepped out, his fluffy blonde hair bouncing as his light blue stripped shirt and white jeans blinded your eyes momentarily from the sun’s reflection before adjusting themselves. You grinned, waving at him happily. But your excitement faltered when he kept his hands in his pockets and smirked at you.

The unsettling feeling returned in your stomach. Your Taemin always beamed back and mirrored your actions. Your Taemin wouldn’t act arrogant. Your Taemin was so adorable that your heart would trash in your chest and you’d want to run up to him giddily.

This Taemin made you want to run the other way.

“Y/N-ssi,” he called you in a low, curt tone. That was new. He would usually call you in a bright voice. His eyes were intense, almost as if he were trying to burn his eyes through yours.

You forced a smile, wanting to be polite to the one who was still technically your same favourite co-star. “Taemin-ssi, it’s nice to see you again.”

Maybe Taemin wants to radiate the same persona as the one from the club, you thought.

“Taemin-ssi, please come get ready!” A voice shouted from afar.

He gave you a smug look before walking away.

It definitely had to be that, you thought. He just wanted to feel like him.

After what felt like an eternity, the day came to an end. You had long lost your appetite ever since Taemin appeared and made you feel stressed. So when he suggested for a dinner out, you were at a bind whether to be polite and accept or refuse because you just really wanted to go home to your sanctuary.

You gathered up the courage to decline the offer. “I’m sorry. I’m really tired. Maybe next time?” You wanted to smack your head. It was a habit that slipped out by accident. You didn’t want a next time.

Though he was resolute. “You must have had a long day. I know a restaurant with a relaxing ambiance and serves delicate dishes. It’ll wear off your fatigue. How does that sound?” he asked, tilting his head to the side and watching you curiously.

How were you going to stop him? You couldn’t. Not when the dark look in his eyes compelled you to submit to his invitation. “I guess that sounds nice,” you replied with an awkward smile.

You took a quick glance at Sungchan, listening to the conversation a few feet away. Taemin followed your sight and added, “I’m sure you won’t mind coming with me alone, Y/N-ssi.”

Your eyes widened by a fraction. You were not going to go somewhere without Sungchan. For the first time, you felt the need to have him with you. “But I’m not allowed to go anywhere without him. It’s an order.” Your palms began sweating as your heart pumped unsteadily out of anxiety.

He sent you what was supposed to be a comforting smile, but little did he know that it was anything but comforting. “The place where I’ll be taking you is safe, and I have my men for backup anyway.” The way he stated it left no room for negotiation, leaving you to cry out for help when discreetly looking at your assistant.

Sungchan began panicking when you gave him one last look before stepping into Taemin’s van. With shaking hands, he dialed Haechan. “We have a problem.”

Haechan groaned at the situation that the boy spilled out. “And what the fuck are you doing? Follow them and tell me where they go!”

-

The restaurant Taemin took you to was indeed relaxing. The nearly empty tables were due to the fact that it was still early in the evening­­­­­­­­. A female server appeared and asked, “Ah! Reservation for Lee Taemin-ssi?”

“Yes,” Taemin spoke curtly.

What the hell? There was no way from the time when he first asked you to arriving at the establishment that he made a reservation. He was never once on his phone, only obnoxiously staring at you the entire ride.

“Please come this way.” She led you two away from the open space to the enclosed private rooms. You stopped in your tracks once realizing it, your stomach lurching in an unpleasant way.

“Do we have to sit in here?” you asked. “I like sitting in the open, especially when it’s empty right now.”

He turned to you, holding a neutral expression. “It’ll be safer for us in here, don’t you think? I’ll have to call my men in if you rather choose outside.”

That was definitely not what you wanted. Being with Taemin alone was better than being surrounded by numerous new faces of his staff, except for his manager.

His manager.

You made a mental note to have a talk with him in the near future.

“I guess inside it is,” you chuckled nervously, attempting to cheer your heart up. This was Taemin for God’s sake! You should be nervous in a good way, not bad.

He nodded and entered the room. The server waited for you to walk in, and when you didn’t, she called, “Y/N-ssi?” You shook out of your daze, meeting her smile. Taking a deep breath, you slowly stepped in and seated yourself across from him.

Taemin glanced at the server and instructed, “Bring everything I had ordered.” She bowed and left the room.

You blinked at him. “You already ordered?”

A smile tugged at one end of his lips, and it reminded you of the very person who had done that to you. Except his made you feel electrified in a pleasing way when Taemin’s didn’t. “Better to not waste time as you had a long day today.”

Nodding, you casted your eyes downward, fascinated by the polishing of the mahogany table. Anything was better than looking directly into his eyes.

Shortly, the server returned with glasses of water and colourful drinks. “Does this have alcohol in it?” you asked when she placed yours down. You weren’t lightweight with alcohol but having absolutely nothing in your stomach almost the entire day was sure to have it hit you quicker than usual.

“Yes, ma’am.”

You opted to sip on the water first, its coolness quenching up your thirst. “I’ll wait for some food before drinking that.”

Taemin only watched you silently with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

The variety of dishes arrived and your mouth watered at the specialties presented before your eyes. Taemin wasn’t wrong that the food coupled with the soft music in the background would wear off your fatigue, but it only did by a little. The dishes were enjoyed without another exchange of words, and you focused on your eating utensils picking up the food rather than the actor staring at you once again. Once you thought enough food had settled in your system, you took small sips of the strong sugary drink before continuing your meal, planning to abandon it shortly as you weren’t interested to feel a pinch of the buzz.

What you didn’t expect was for your plan to go downhill. The drink tasted splendid and you took a little too many sips. Starting to feel a little buzzed, you slouched back against your chair.

Taemin’s eyes were trained on you, amused to see you in the state. “Y/N-ssi? Are you good?”

You mutely nodded and were unsure of how to even ask the man of the alcohol content in your drink. You wanted to be cautious of the man, but the only thing you felt was tranquility.

A sinister smile was plastered on his face. “I told you it’ll wear off your fatigue.”

What? You said the food and ambiance would, not the unexpected drink! “I want to go home,” you mumbled.

“Let’s get you home then, darling.” You missed the dark glint in his eyes as he drawled on the nickname.

You stood up and felt dizzy for a brief moment. You could still walk in a straight line when focused, but Taemin held you regardless to balance yourself. The touch was a first from him that day as there wasn’t physical touch this early in the drama. You would have pushed yourself out of his hold, but the strong grip around your waist stopped you from resisting.

Leaving the secluded room, you sauntered into the public space, your eyes landing on a familiar red hair from afar, along with a few men standing behind him.

Taeyong stood up from his seat and strolled over to the two of you. His eyes flickered to yours, taking note of your slightly out of focus gaze. “Taking her somewhere?” he asked Taemin.

Taemin was surprised by Taeyong’s presence and inquiry but decided not to comment about it. “I’m taking her home, of course.” He almost turned around to guide you out until he heard Taeyong’s voice again.

“I’ll drop her home.”

Taemin blinked at him confusedly. “Didn’t I say I’ll take her?”

Taeyong was beginning to suspect the man standing next to you and kept his hard gaze on him. “You’re a busy man.”

Taemin cocked an eyebrow up. “Yet I had time for her. Your point?”

Taeyong ground his teeth. “Let her go before...” he pointed in the direction of his men. “And I’m sure you don’t want to cause trouble, especially in public.” The interior was beginning to be filled with customers as the darkness of the night enveloped the city.

Taemin laughed quietly and shoved you towards Taeyong. You lost balanced by the sudden action, making Taeyong catch you before you fell onto the ground.

Tsking, Taemin muttered under his breath, “I wonder who your source is.” It was a no brainer for him to figure out who it was. With those last words, he strode out of the restaurant.

Taeyong exhaled out of relief, catching you before anything bad happened to you. He wasn’t sure of Taemin’s exact intentions. It really could have been him dropping you home, but a greater gut feeling of his told him that that wasn’t the case.

You hummed in content as you felt Taeyong’s arms around you. An unexplainable amount of contentment surged within you unlike Taemin’s hold on you earlier.

In Taeyong’s car, you were buckled up in the back beside him. The middle seat was left unoccupied as Taeyong kept a distance from you. On the way to your home, you began feeling uncomfortable with the straps and unbuckled it to free yourself from the constraints. He watched you and was stunned when you shifted yourself to lay down with your head on his lap. You felt much better in the new position and closed your eyes, letting sleep takeover you for a moment before reaching home.

After a moment of shock, he composed himself, thinking hard of his next move. He gently combed his hand through your hair, resulting you to release a small moan. Startled by the response, he jerked his hand off, crossed his arms in front of his chest and attempted to focus out the window.

-

When sober you stepped inside the penthouse, you found your manager and assistants waiting for your arrival. Haechan stood, fuming with his hands on his hips, and Sungchan beside him, head hanging low.

“Will you fucking explain yourself?” Haechan yelled.

You sighed, not in the mood to deal with him. “It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t even want to go with him alone in the first place.”

Haechan scoffed. “Oh really? Y/N didn’t want to be alone with Taemin when trying that the other night?”

You rapidly blinked. He never called you by your name unless he added respect to it, meaning the boy was indeed mad. Plus, he wasn’t supposed to know about the nightclub date unless- “Sungchan told you?”

“Why fucking else did we hire him?”

Doyoung stood up from his seat and smacked the boy in the head. “Stop swearing. You’re giving me a headache.”

Jaemin smiled warmly at you and said, “Don’t mind him, noona. You must be tired. Go rest up for tomorrow.”

Preparing your nighttime routine, you reflected back to the events of the day. Once your head met your pillow, your mind wondered about one thing.

How did Taeyong know where you lived?

- ❀ -

Vogue.

Your photoshoot.

You sat on a stool, posing different gestures for the glamorous look you had on. You were thankful that you only had the current shoot to do and then were done for the day. Based on the warmer than usual heat on your forehead, you knew you weren’t going to last long before you’d collapse.

You were grateful that the shoot required you to evoke emotions of serenity. To get bright emotions out on regular days was a challenge. And with the current state of yours... you would have weakly made your way out the exit.

Your eyelids drooped with the little strength left in you and the photographer noticed it. “Do you need a break?”

Nodding weakly, she announced a five minute break.

Doyoung walked over to you, placing the back of his hand on your forehead and gasped. “You’re coming down with a fever.”

Your shoulders slumped. “This shoot isn’t hard. I’ll wrap this up and rest after.”

He bit his tongue, knowing it was going to be useless to argue back when you were right. “Okay.”

The photoshoot resumed after Doyoung gave the crew a signal. You were in the middle of transitioning to your next posture until your eyes caught sight of the man that you dreaded to see again.

You quickly diverted your gaze to focus on your task, but your eyes grew unfocused, resulting in the photographer to huff out a breath. “We’ll wrap it up for today.” She beckoned Doyoung over for a chat while you were lost in your thoughts, failing to notice Taemin’s strides towards you.

“Y/N-ssi,” he greeted.

You jumped at his voice and your eyes fluttered to meet his gaze. After what happened the previous night, you were shaken up to even consider his presence. Being an actress unfortunately meant that such advances were normal. But you knew how to get yourself out of threatening situations with your little defense skills, thanks to your martial arts director. Though intoxicated you wouldn’t have been able to protect yourself, and so you didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if it wasn’t for Taeyong to be there coincidentally.

Taeyong.

The more you saw that man, the more you craved for him. Craved to hear his husky voice unlike Taemin’s-

Darling.

A shiver ran down your spine when recalling that memory. Taemin never called you by anything else other than your name. And the tone he laced it with was almost like he was luring you to enter his dark and mysterious dungeon.

What was going on?

One thing was sure. You needed to get away from Taemin. It didn’t help that you had a drama with him. But it was only the beginning and you were sure that Chenle would let you leave the project as long as you came up with a good enough excuse. There was no way he’d understand why you were giving up a project with your favourite co-star, but that was an issue to be dealt with when the time would come.

“Y/N-ssi?” Taemin waved his hand in front of you when you didn’t respond.

You shook out of your thoughts and forced a weak smile. “Ah! Taemin-ssi. Sorry,” you mumbled.

He stared again in that daunting way that’d make you squirm in your fixed spot on the stool. You diverted your eyes away and reminded yourself to not lick your lips out of anxiety. Otherwise, you’d get the burgundy lipstick in your mouth.

“Let’s go out for lunch.”

Your gaze was glued to the white backdrop that continued onto the floor. “I can’t. I’m busy,” you lied smoothly for anyone who didn’t know your schedule to believe it.

He quirked an eyebrow up, knowing you didn’t have any other schedule for the rest of the day. “Oh, are you now?”

You furrowed your eyebrows and looked up at him. “What?”

Before he could respond, your manager came back. “Let’s get you something to eat, Y/N,” Doyoung said.

You felt like digging your grave.

A look of amusement shone on Taemin’s face. “So you aren’t busy. Let’s go then.”

Doyoung bowed his head in respect. “I’m sorry Taemin-ssi, but I’m afraid I’ll have to turn you down. Y/N isn’t feeling well so she’ll be focusing on her speedy recovery.”

Taemin shrugged his shoulders. “Okay.” He bent down to meet you at eye level, his face a few inches away. The sudden closeness left your heart getting caught in your throat. “Get well soon, darling. I’ll see you next time then,” he whispered only for you to hear. Taemin sent a wink and strolled out of the studio.

You asked for the bathroom and sprinted to empty the contents in your stomach.

-

At the penthouse, Doyoung got to work in the kitchen, cooking a comforting meal of his delicious kimchi stew. He brought the bowls to the dining table, placing one down in front of you while he sat across from you.

Warmth spread within you when taking the first sip of the soup. You closed your eyes and moaned in pleasure. “This is perfect,” you muttered.

He spooned around and opted to speak with you before digging into his meal. “What’s going on, Y/N?”

“Hm?”

He disappointedly sighed. “It’s been a while since the last time you came down with a fever and you learned your lesson after that. You know your immunity becomes weak when you stress out too much and not taking care of yourself. What’s going on lately?”

You focused on chewing the kimchi piece, taking the time to gather your words. “Did Sungchan not say anything last night?”

“Sungchan was lectured by Haechan before he could even utter a word.”

Speak of the devil, Haechan stormed in with Sungchan trailing behind. The puffiness in Sungchan’s eyes had you presume that he received a strict scolding from his senior.

“Next time, Y/N, don’t even think about going anywhere without him. Sungchan should know better by now, I hope, that he’s gonna butt in wherever you go. Even go against Taemin’s words as ridiculous as that sounds because why would that sweet guy actually force you to go to a public place alone without your assistant? But anyway, I’ll fucking repeat. Do not go anywhere without Sungchan. Understand? I don’t want this crap again!” Haechan shouted at you.

Your headache came at the speed of a light, thanks to Haechan’s anger. But you couldn’t let him misunderstand the other boy when he did everything he could to be by your side. “It’s not Sungchan’s fault. You shouldn’t have-”

Though the boy didn’t have interest listening to what he assumed was your supposed nonsense because it wouldn’t reverse anything. “Do you fucking understand me, Y/N?”

You gulped and nodded. Sungchan lifted his gaze briefly and you sent him an apologetic look. It wasn’t your fault but you felt responsible for the situation.

“I would have flung my spoon at Haechan,” Doyoung began. “But what he said isn’t wrong. Doesn’t matter if Taemin got you to go alone with him like that time to the nightclub.”

But that Taemin doesn’t feel the same as this one, you screamed in your head. How were you going to tell them that?

Doyoung added, “Also, just because something dangerous hasn’t happened to you yet, except for some small stalker cases, don’t assume nothing serious can happen. I thought you’d know better by now being in the industry for so many years. Please don’t go anywhere without one of us. Even if it’s with a fellow actor.”

- ❀ -

You hadn’t gotten a chance to speak with Chenle about canceling your drama contract with Taemin. So there you were, shooting a scene where you’d be walking with Taemin down the street.

“Action!” the director called out.

Come on, Y/N, you can do it, you willed yourself. Acting was your passion. It surged through you in your blood. No matter who it was standing in front of you. Whether it was a cocky actor that you’d loath, or it was the changed Taemin.

You lifted your gaze to meet his, and noticed his eyes flickering to your fuchsia painted lips. Your heart trembled, yet the expert you masked your facial expression with friendliness. “The sky is beautiful,” you said as you looked up at the orange and pink streaks rising up to take over the blue sky.

Taemin hummed. “Not as beautiful as you,” he spoke softly, his eyes burning into the side of your head.

You turned to him, flustered. Both in acting and for real. It was the first time you found the soft Taemin after a while and your heart melted. He raised his hand to push back the loose strands of your hair behind the ear and the physical touch made your blood run cold.

He still wasn’t your old Taemin.

What looked like a scene where the female lead’s heart fluttered in delight was in fact a scene where her heart pounded in fear.

“Cut!” the director called out once satisfied with the shot.

A dark glint flashed in Taemin’s eyes before walking off to chat with his manager. Sungchan hurried to you with a water bottle.

“Do you have my phone?” you asked him. He nodded, pulling it out of his pocket and handing it over with shaky hands. You gave him a questioning look. “Is something wrong?”

He shook his head frantically. “N-No. Why?”

You stared at him for a while before giving up. “Nothing.” Your makeup artist called for a touch-up and you left your assistant on his own.

Sungchan’s phone rang, displaying a private caller’s name. He knew exactly what it was for and answered it. “I did it.”

-

You were relieved that Taemin didn’t pester you into going out with him for dinner. The short-lived relief was celebrated by Sungchan taking you to your favourite Korean barbecue place.

“Woah!” you squealed happily, eyeing the various meats for grilling.

Unbeknownst to either of you, a man with a cap shadowing his eyes and black mask resting on his chin sat a few tables away from you. The male server went up to the man and asked, “Would you like anything?” He hadn’t ordered anything, only sipping the water in his cup.

A curt “no” and the server left, grumbling under his breath for why he was there when he wasn’t going to order food. Though the man was going to order for your empty cup once you were finished with it.

While you chewed on the self-grilled meats, Sungchan received a call from his father and informed you of his mother’s medical emergency.

“Don’t worry, Sungchan. Just drop me off in front of the condo and leave. I’m sure no one can stalk me into the building, because that’s fucked up security when I live there.”

-

Your assistant pulled the car to the front of the entrance. “I can spare time and come up with you to be safe, Y/N-ssi.” No one was at your penthouse at that moment. The younger boys being busy with their personal schedule, and Doyoung preoccupied with preparations for his wife’s birthday.

That would have been the most logical thing for Sungchan to do and prevent the boy from having another scolding from the devil. “I’m not going to let you waste your time going up with me and then come down. I’ll feel bad that I’m holding you up from reaching your mother sooner.”

He sighed in defeat and suggested, “Y/N-ssi, can you call me right now?”

You unbuckled your seatbelt. “Why?” you asked but did as requested.

“I’ll feel better if I kept you on the line until I’m back.”

Smart boy.

Your call got connected to the Bluetooth system in the car. “Perfect. You can talk to me if you want. I don’t mind listening to you ramble. It’ll be better than hearing your silence.”

You nodded and offered him a reassuring smile. “I hope your mother is okay and she gets well soon.”

He reciprocated the smile back. “Thank you, Y/N-ssi.”

Stepping out into the somewhat chilly night, you walked into the building, and then into the elevator, pressing on the PH button. “I got into the elevator and now I’m heading up,” you told him.

He hummed and asked, “Have you always lived there?”

“Yeah, it’s my first official place after living in rentals.”

“Do you ever spend the nights by yourself?”

“Doyoung and the boys aren’t always needed so they live with their families.”

After you talked about living in a rental unit with a howling dog as your neighbour, you reached the floor of your penthouse.

“I got off the elevator so now I’m unlocking the door.” You pressed your thumb against the fingerprint scanner and heard a ‘click.’ You turned the handle and stepped in, closing the door right behind you. “And I’m inside! Nothing happened, right? You won’t have to hear it from Haechan.” Throwing your handbag not too far from the entrance, you walked over to the bedroom.

A breath of relief was heard from the other line. “Thank goodness. Are you okay still staying on the line though? Just in case?”

Pursing your lips, you said, “I want to take a shower. What do you say I should do?” you asked in a teasing manner.

“Ah! No! You can call me back after you’re done.”

You laughed and hung up.

-

Stepping out of the bathroom fully dressed, you went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to search for a frozen treat. During the hunt, you heard an attempt of the keypad door lock being unlocked.

That was fast, you thought.

Going over to the security app on your phone, you checked the camera located right out the door and almost dropped it in shock from having to see a man with a cap and a black mask on trying to break in.

You ducked down behind the island counter, dialing the one person that came to your mind.

Sungchan answered after the first ring. “I’m glad you called back-”

“S-Someone’s t-trying to br-break in.” You tried to keep your voice calm but failed miserably with your racing heart. “I don’t know what to do,” you said weakly on the brink of tears. What if he broke in? What if he found you? What was he going to do to you? The possible thought of the man doing physical harm on you had you choking on a quiet sob.

The masked man was unsuccessful with his attempt at unlocking with the fingerprint he obtained and resorted to punching in passcodes that he could think of and were related to you.

You heard the tires screeching and the engine of the car roaring to life. “Y/N-ssi, I’ll be there-”

“I don’t understand how he got here!” you cried, terrified if the man would somehow dial in the correct code.

“Listen to me.” You covered your mouth to quieten your sobs and focused on his words. “You’ll have to disconnect from me for a bit and call the security up. They’ll get rid of the man quickly and I’ll be there in no time. Please?”

Nodding, your fingers shakily dialed for the security.

The guards appeared shortly, and you watched the scene from your phone. The stalker pulled out a gun and you gasped, not believing that the man carried a weapon.

You really were going to die tonight, Y/N, if he broke in.

The security backed up, putting their hands up in surrender and making space for the man to leave peacefully. And thankfully, the stalker did.

When Sungchan entered, he called out for you. He didn’t receive your call afterwards and became worried sick if the stalker broke in. In the kitchen, he found you rooted on the floor, shaken up from the incident.

“Y/N-ssi?” Sungchan knew you weren’t okay from your silence and watering eyes. He ran off to fetch for a blanket and draped it over you.

Feeling the warmth of a blanket over you, you spoke. “Who the hell was he?”

- ❀ -

Sungchan informed everyone the next morning of the happening.

“That’s so fucked up,” Haechan exasperated. “How the fuck did he get in?”

Renjun and Jeno looked over the recording to get hints on the person’s identity. “The cap and mask make it hard to tell who it is,” Jeno commented.

Renjun reversed back to the beginning and took note of the man making his first and last eye contact before trying the keypad. “Hold up! He’s- shit!” he exclaimed.

All eyes turned to the small boy. You didn’t have the courage to check the recording out and asked, “You know who it is?”

Renjun nodded. “Positive.”

“Who?”

The name that fell from his lips made your heart freeze in fear. No fucking way could that be true. Though considering the events lately, it could only make sense.

What happened to you, Taemin?

Your phone rang and read the unknown number lit up on your screen. You picked it up, hoping desperately that it was the call you were waiting for. “Hello?”

“Y/N-ssi?” The deep voice was familiar.

“Thank goodness! You’re Taemin’s manager, right?” You were finally going to get answers.

“Yes. Can you meet me at your agency’s building? I’ll be in the seating area on the second floor.” You wanted to ask him why he was talking in a hushed tone but thought against it.

“Yes, of course. I’ll see you then.”

“Why are you meeting with him?” Jaemin asked.

As they didn’t know anything about the occurrence at the nightclub, you simply replied, “Just something I need to ask about Taemin.”

-

Being at the agency’s building, you only needed Sungchan with you. The other four boys waited in the cafeteria on the main floor. Doyoung was meeting with Chenle to discuss the recent event and terminate the drama contract with Taemin.

Renjun was scrolling through the news feed on his phone, a particular headline catching his attention. “Oh my God,” he mumbled, clicking on it and reading the paragraphs.

“What happened?” Jeno asked.

“Taemin ended his agency contract.”

“WHAT?” Jaemin snatched the phone from the older boy and read the words on the screen. “This is ridiculous! After what he did last night? We should be filing a case against him.”

Haechan’s phone vibrated in his pocket and answered it to hear a distressed-sounding Mark. “What is it?” After listening to what the older boy had to say, Haechan felt as if someone had dropped a bomb in his head. “Why the fuck are you telling me this now?” he yelled, beyond furious for keeping such an important detail from the ones who needed it the most.

“We didn’t know he’d do such a thing,” Mark reasoned. “And we couldn’t just assume without confirming it first. The news is gonna be released to the public soon.”

Haechan cut the call abruptly and turned to the rest in horror. “Y/N’s in danger.”

Without another word, Jeno kicked back his chair and sprinted for the second floor.

“Pull the van up to the side,” Jaemin ordered the two and followed Jeno.

-

“I’m really glad you’ve contacted me. I wanted to talk to you about Taemin’s changed behaviour,” you told him.

The manager refused to meet your eyes, hands fidgeting as he thought really hard whether to tell you or not.

“Are you okay?” you asked worriedly.

He finally lifted his gaze, making up his mind. “Y/N-ssi, Taemin’s behaviour didn’t change.”

You frowned. “But haven’t you seen him these days? He’s acting like a different person.”

He gulped visibly and wiped off the sweat forming on his forehead. “That’s because he is.”

The windows shattered and before you could figure out what had just happened, the eyes of the man across from you went blank, limping sideway and slumping on the couch. Screaming should have been your reaction, but you were rooted in your seat, utterly shocked.

Sungchan would have tried to search for the source of the shooting if it weren’t for him being unprepared of the unforeseen situation. “Y/N-ssi, we need to go!” Sungchan grabbed your hand and pulled you up. Before getting another step in, another sound of glass shattering pierced through your ears and a bright red dot planted in the middle of Sungchan’s forehead as he fell lifelessly onto the floor.

“No no no no no! Sungchan!” you screamed, kneeling beside him and hugging him to your chest. “Sungchan! Wake up!” you cried.

Jeno ran in, spotting the sniper from a building nearby. He pulled out he gun and took cover, shooting at it but missing every time. Jaemin quickly assessed the situation and attempted to fire at the sniper as well. He ran up to you, ripping you away from Sungchan. “We need to leave, noona.”

“B-but Sung-”

“We need to leave now!” he yelled at you.

More gunshots were fired from your side and you let Jaemin drag you away from the corpses.

The van was ready, Renjun in the driver’s seat and Haechan in the far back. The passenger and back doors were open, prepared for the three of you to bolt in. Jaemin pushed you inside the back while Jeno dove into the front.

“Step on it!” Haechan called.

The tires screeched as Renjun slammed on the accelerator, driving away from the building and took an unknown path to lose track of any followers. Haechan looked out the back window, letting out a breath of relief when no one was trailing behind them and sent a quick message on his phone.

You somewhat recovered from the initial shock of the deadly event and let tears stain your cheeks. “What the fuck just happened?” you sniffed. “Why did we leave- h-him?” you choked out.

Sungchan. Your sweet assistant. Even though he was new, you had developed a soft heart for the young boy.

“Why you gotta leave Sungchan behind like that?” you cried.

Jaemin pulled you into his arms and rubbed your arms in efforts to soothe you. “There’s no doubt he’s dead. If we tried to get him then, one of us would have ended up dead too. And there’s no guarantee what could have happened to you after, noona.”

You closed your eyes, the torment too much to bear. “Why is this happening? Are you guys not shocked from his death? Why am I the only one affected?”

A silence followed as the boys avoided your question. They too were affected, not expecting such death to occur in broad daylight and that too within your vicinity. But death was inevitable in the business they worked in, ready to lose a member at any unpredicted moment.

You pushed yourself up in your seat, a thought hitting you suddenly. “Hold up. Why the hell do you have guns?” Nowhere in the contract stated for your personal assistants to carry weapons on them.

Renjun kept his eyes glued to the road ahead. Jeno looked out his window, focusing on the trees that sped by. Haechan leaned forward and wordlessly argued with Jaemin to break the news to you.

Jaemin cleared his throat. “Um, noona, there’s something we need to tell you.”

“Clearly you do,” you snapped.

He pressed his lips together, never once did he thought he’d have to reveal about themselves. “Well...” he chuckled nervously and scratched the back of his neck.

Haechan huffed, annoyed that Jaemin was taking forever. “Noona?”

You gaped at the boy behind you. “That’s a first after a while.”

He exhaled deeply and said, “Listen, noona. Doyoung hyung doesn’t know anything about what I’m going to tell you so don’t say anything to him.”

You only sniffed, not knowing what to anticipate for.

“For a side, we work with a mafia group.”

You gawked at him. Mafia? “What the hell? Don’t mess with me, Haechan.”

Jaemin shook his head. “He’s not. The four of us, well Sungchan too, we work with a mafia group. The ones you met at the nightclub, remember? Mark, Lucas, Kun, I think you met them.”

You groaned, a throbbing headache coming your way. “You guys are going to kill me,” you grumbled as you held your head in pain.

Haechan tutted. “Wrong. We’re trying to save you from Lord.”

“Who the fuck is Lord?” you shouted, almost losing your sanity.

“Apparently he’s Taemin’s lookalike. We didn’t know about him because no one is allowed to know how he looks like besides those who do business with him directly. Mark told me that you saw him at the club.”

It dawned to you. Taemin’s doppelganger who made you feel uncomfortable under his intense gaze. “Why would you be saving me from him?”

Haechan continued. “I just found out from Mark that he’s been after you ever since that night. He killed Taemin so that he could take his spot and come after you.”

All the air got knocked out of your lungs, your blood freezing cold in your veins.

Taemin’s...

Dead?

If someone were to diagnose you as crazy, you would have believed them because you had lost your sanity at that point. All this time you thought you were with Taemin, when really you were with Lord.

A psychopathic stalker who was disgustingly obsessed with you.

You released a bloodcurdling scream, making Renjun almost swerve out of his lane before regaining control. Jeno covered his ears while Jaemin attempted to soothe you again.

“Noona! Please stop!” Haechan boomed over your screaming, which resulted you to break down into heavy painful cries and Jaemin desperately trying to comfort you.

“Noona, don’t worry. We’re taking you somewhere completely safe. No one will ever get you there,” Jaemin spoke softly while patting your head gently.

Completely safe? No one could get you there? “What kind of place would even have that level of security when this fucking psychopath got to my own damned penthouse?”

He gave you a small smile of reassurance. “Our boss’s place.”

Renjun pulled the van up to a mansion. You gaped at the boys, silently asking if they really thought no one would get to you here when being in an impressive-looking mansion.

Renjun said, “Don’t worry, noona. The area is heavily guarded, and absolutely no one can find this house unless they’ve followed us. But we make sure no one does before coming here.”

“I’m trusting you,” you muttered under your breath.

Jeno pushed open the front doors of the large house, revealing an extravagant grand foyer. You found Mark and Lucas who looked like they were expecting your arrival. “Y/N-ssi!” Lucas screamed a little too excited that you’d be living in their house for the time being.

You flinched at the high tone and didn’t bother being polite as you usually would with your fans.

Mark nudged the taller boy. “Yo dude, she’s going through a tough time right now.”

He realized his mistake and quickly bowed, apologizing to you. “Oh sorry, Y/N-ssi!”

Mark offered you a warm smile. “We prepared your room as soon as Kun hyung received Haechan’s message of your arrival. I’ll take you to your room.”

You turned to Haechan, void of any light radiating from you as fatigue began to wash over you. He nodded, silently signaling you to follow Mark. Letting out a small breath, you took a step forward before freezing when your eyes landed on a familiar man from afar.

Taeyong.

The man you had subtly grown a soft heart for despite seeing him a few, and short-lived, times. You felt a rush of heat up to your cheeks, remembering the way he gently held you up when intoxicated and when he ran his hand through your hair. You had a sudden urge to seek comfort from him, be wrapped with his warmth around you, even though you didn’t know anything about Taeyong besides that he was the boss Mark referred to at the club, and the boss of your four personal assistants.

Taeyong walked over to you, stopping in front of you and you suddenly forgot how to breathe. His neutral facial expression was difficult to decipher, though you could see the softness in his eyes.

A faint smile broke onto his face when speaking, “It’s nice to see you again, Y/N.”

-

After you were taken to your room, Taeyong walked back into his mahogany study room, sitting on the empty spot on his desk and faced Kun. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and let out a heavy sigh. “What’s happening with Sungchan?”

Even though it was common to lose people in the business, every death of his member left a deep pang in his heart.

“I sent our men to handle his body.” Kun said merely.

“And Y/N’s stuff?”

“I’ll send Renjun and Jeno for it. I informed her manager. He’s aware of the situation and will prepare her belongings.”

Taeyong hummed. He didn’t think things would get this bad and he didn’t know how long it would go on for. If he had known that Lord was obsessed with you, he would have done something to protect you. Taeyong thought it was only for one time when he saw Lord looking at you at his nightclub, and he wasn’t sure whether you really were with Taemin or Lord that night when he unexpectedly came to save you.

Having you in his house brought an immense amount of relief in his heart and without realizing it, the words “thanks, Kun” fell quietly from his lips.

Kun was flattered yet confused to hear an appreciation from his boss for a small task. Y/N-ssi must be having an effect on you, he thought.

-

You didn’t have the energy to wash up and so you flopped down onto the king-sized bed, closing your worn out eyes. After a few minutes, three knocks were heard before the person opened the door without a verbal cue from you. You groaned inwardly, knowing the only brat who’d do that.

“Noona?” he called for you gently. You kept your head rested into the fluffy pillow, not bothering to respond to him. Haechan made his way over to sit beside you. “I know you’re awake, noona.”

You groaned and sat up. “What is it?” you asked in an irritated tone as you weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

The boy shifted his gaze downwards, avoiding your eyes. “I’m going to be honest with you. Jaemin’s talking with Doyoung hyung right now and I don’t know what’s going to happen in terms of your career life. We’ll have to wait until it’s safe for you to step out of this house.”

“Please tell me you’re joking,” you pleaded desperately. You had projects that you were greatly looking forward to, but all of them were going to be either put on indefinite hold or be cancelled. All because of that parasite. Not to mention that you were now limiting yourself in the house for safety.

He ground his teeth. “I would never joke about something that your life literally evolves around. I’m only giving you a heads up because you should be expecting the news of your indefinite hiatus soon.”

A feeling as if your entire life were falling apart hit you, and a fresh set of tears rolled down. “I can’t fucking believe this,” you mumbled.

Sungchan’s death, Taemin’s death, a psycho after you, and now your career on the edge of a cliff.

“It’s only until we can figure out how to get Lord out of your life. Once he stops going after you, you’ll be safe to resume your activities.”

“How long will that take?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. But until then, noona, you deserve some rest. You’ve been working so hard, almost nonstop ever since your debut with only ever getting one short vacation. Rest up so you can make a grand comeback that’ll have everyone in the industry shook, including your fans,” Haechan said, attempting to boost you with optimism.

Your heart melted at his words and sent him a small smile. “Thanks, Haechan. I like that thought.”

He grinned, feeling proud to have lighten up your mood even in the slightest bit. “Oh noona?”

“Hm?”

Haechan pursed his lips. “It looks like Taeyong hyung met you before.”

Nodding weakly, you said, “Yeah. The first time was at a ramen place. The time I was gone the entire night. Remember?”

He scoffed. “How can I forget the time you worried us to death? Seriously, you should have gotten someone to go with you.”

“But you all were-”

“Doesn’t matter. Visiting your grandma who lives in the countryside and on top of that at night? Does that not ring a warning bell in you?” He huffed at how dumb you could be at times. “We should get her to relocate in the city.��

You clicked your tongue. “She loves living in the countryside, and it’s the safest place too.”

“Whatever. I’m assuming the second time you saw him was at the club. I doubt he had time to personally meet you there because I informed Kun hyung about your attendance and then Mark and Lucas filled me in on looking after you.” Haechan stood up suddenly and let out a frustrated ‘argh!’ “I’m gonna fucking hang these two idiots upside down for not telling me about Taemin’s lookalike!”

“Well... they did say no one is allowed to talk about... him,” you added softly.

He ran his hand through his hair. “I know I know,” he whispered. “Even if we had known, how would we know that it was Lord and not Taemin? But anyway. So that’s all? You’ve seen Taeyong hyung twice?”

You shook your head. “There’s one more time. When I went out with- you know, and Taeyong was there at the restaurant luckily and took me home.”

Haechan’s eyes blew up, shocked for a brief moment before recovering. “That’s weird because I told Kun hyung to send someone. It’s surprising that he went himself.”

Your cheeks heated up at the news, making your heart flutter at the thought Taeyong possibly feeling something for you like the way you did for him.

-

You sat at the enormous dining table, various dishes arranged in front of you. Your boys sat on the chairs along the sides, while a few of Taeyong’s men that you recognized stood off to the side and watched you intently. No one uttered a word and the eerie silence was broken by Jeno.

“Noona, please eat,” Jeno urged gently.

You only stared at the nourishments, the ones that were in fact some of your favourites. No energy or motivation was left inside you to build an appetite for the supposed mouth-watering dishes.

Jungwoo turned to whisper at Mark and Lucas. “Could she be on a diet?”

Mark gave him a disapproving look. “She’s on a hiatus.”

“So? Don’t some people still diet when on one? Should I eat with her and maybe that can give her an appetite to eat?”

Lucas answered, “Yo man, the news just came out, announcing her indefinite hiatus. On top of that, a declaration of Lee Taemin’s death. There’s nothing that’s gonna make her eat now.”

Jungwoo gasped. “And she read it already?”

Mark nodded. “Yeah, it’s all over the media right now.”

Jaemin grabbed a pair of chopsticks and picked up a piece of braised potato, bringing it close to your glued lips. “Noona, eat up.”

But you kept your mouth shut.

Haechan let out a frustrated sigh. “Noona, if you don’t eat, I’ll shove your face into the food.” Renjun smacked him hard in the head, making him yelp in pain. “Ow!”

Just then, Taeyong casually walked into the room with Kun behind him. All the boys stood up straight, giving their boss the respect and full attention. You, however, stayed rooted in your seat, only sparing him a quick glance.

Taeyong gestured for all the boys to leave the room, including Kun. Everyone scrambled out, though not completely out of the scene. Haechan being the leader of the temporary pack leaned against the wall and peeked his head out a tad bit, making everyone follow suit.

“Yo, if boss finds out, we’re dead,” Mark harshly whispered.

“Shh!” Haechan shushed him up.

Kun crossed his arms, curious to watch how much his boss had a soft spot for you.

Taeyong sat down beside you, collecting the abandoned chopsticks that Jaemin dropped in hurry. He picked up the fallen braised potato piece and popped it into his mouth.

You watched him curiously.

He hummed in satisfaction. “This tastes good. Not poisoned,” he deadpanned and picked up another one. Just when you thought he was going to eat it, you blinked when he brought it up to your lips. “Eat,” he encouraged with tenderness in his eyes.

After a moment of hesitance, you parted your lips, taking the piece into your mouth. It did taste good, and a small smile threatened to tug at your bare lips. Taeyong stared at you in awe, pleased to have gotten you to eat when the ones you knew longer couldn’t. He picked up a spicy cucumber, repeating his actions. First, into his mouth, and then in yours.

Knowing that Lucas would squeal loudly, as he always did when watching your romance scenes, Mark slapped his hand on Lucas’s mouth. “Yo dude, don’t. We’ll get caught,” he whispered.

Jungwoo rolled his eyes. “I told you she’ll eat if I ate.”  

“She’s eating because of hyung, dumbass,” Haechan corrected. “And he’s feeding her.”

Kun stood quietly, thinking about his boss’s increased appetite all thanks to you.

-

Tossing around in your bed, you gave up on sleeping and kicked the blanket off. You had reached extreme exhaustion from the events of the day, and so all fatigue had left you. Sitting up on the bed, your eyes travelled around the grand bedroom. Nothing caught your sight that you could distract yourself with until sleep would come back. Should you go wander around the mansion? You were an expert in not making noise when moving around, having practiced such skill for your suspense genres.

You peeked out into the hallway, the lights on which you were thankful for. No one was in sight and you wouldn’t have minded if someone crossed your path. Having someone to talk to would surely put you to sleep faster. Descending down the stairs, your eyes flickered around and decided to take a path that you hadn’t been through yet. Just before you took another step, a man emerged from the very opening.

Kun was startled by your presence and greeted you. “Y/N-ssi. What are you doing up this late?” he asked, walking over to you.

You gave him a tight smile. “I was thinking about exploring so I could tire myself out and sleep.”

He turned his neck to look behind him as if searching for someone, before facing you again. “I wouldn’t advise you to explore without someone. There are restricted boundaries that you shouldn’t cross.”

Oh. Right. You were in a mafia’s house, which meant your naïve eyes could possibly end up discovering things that pure souls weren’t allowed to witness. “I can just walk around here then.”

He nodded, giving you a small bow of his head before walking up the stairs. Once out of your sight, you plopped down on the couch as walking didn’t sound entertaining anymore. You thought about counting to a hundred to bore yourself out.

“One, two, three, four...”

You weren’t a fan of numbers and so this method should work. But you wanted to slap yourself for even getting to a point in your life where you had to resort to counting out loud.

After all the numerous, and sometimes endless, takes being called out during the shoots.

“Nineteen, twenty, twen-”

You stopped abruptly at the sight of another figure emerge from where Kun came out of recently. The familiar red hair wore a loose white collar shirt and black pants, a pair of round glasses rested on the bridge of his nose and his hair messy from having ran through the strands out of stress. In the midst of folding his sleeves up, his eyes did a double take on you, ending his previous quest as he detoured towards you.

You stood up and fidgeted with your fingers. “Hi,” you waved timidly. If your heart continued to race like the way it did at that moment, then sleep wasn’t written in your fate for that night.

“Hi,” he greeted back, his voice laced in huskiness. And when coupled with his glasses on him, he looked ten- no, thousand times sexier. He patiently waited for you to explain your lonely presence.

“I can’t sleep,” you said.

He hummed. “Want me to help?” he asked seriously.

You blinked wide eyed, not sure of his exact intention and let out a confused ‘huh?’

“I can help you.”

“How?”

“Follow me.” He began strolling in the direction of where he came from.

A feeling inside you trusted him to go follow where he was taking you. He hadn’t done anything to inflict any harm on you. Instead, he had been the one to save and even feed you.

You caught up to him with curiosity growing to discover down the unknown hallway. He led you to a set of opened doors, and once inside, you realized that it was a study room with walls covered by tall vintage bookcases. At the end of the room by the grand windows sat his desk covered with numerous files and you didn’t dare to consider peeking into them. Taeyong sauntered to his desk, calmly collecting the loose files and folders and storing them away.

“Wow,” you breathed out, skimming your eyes through the spines of the books, not quite knowing what the books were about. “Did you actually read all these books?” you inquired.

He appeared beside you. “Not all. There are still some to read.”

You hummed. “You brought me here so that I can read something to sleep?”

“It works with me.”

“But am I allowed to read them? Aren’t they like... you know?”

He cocked an eyebrow up. “Like?”

You nervously chuckled. “Like your... business related?”

“Ah.” He pulled out a book, showing it to you, the words unreadable and written in a language that you didn’t speak of. “Like this? This book will teach you effective ways to shoot someone with different types of guns.”

You froze with blood draining away from your face. “You want me to read that?”

He chuckled at your expression. “I’m kidding. Those type of books that you refer to are on the other side of the room, over there,” he responded to your earlier question.

You let out a breath of relief. “You scared me.”

“This book actually teaches you Latin,” Taeyong said truthfully.

Learning a language. That was important in your acting field. “That should be something to grasp for enjoyment. Not when I’m trying to find a way to sleep.”

He squeezed the book back between its friends on the shelf. “If you don’t want to learn a language right now, then I can teach you something and I’m sure it’ll wear you out,” he offered.

His words piqued your interest. “Really? Is it that boring?” How could anything that Taeyong would teach you be something to put you to sleep faster?

Taeyong smirked at your curious face. “No. But it’ll consume your mind.”

-

He led you to an underground area of the mansion, fully soundproofed. Firearms hung on one of the walls to the side, and six long lanes with bullet traps at the end of it rested a few feet apart, giving each supposed shooter some space in their lanes to identify their targets.

“So you’re going to teach me how to shoot. After me not wanting to read about it.”

“At least it’s not on human bodies. I’ve seen your pretend skills, though not correct.”

If you weren’t horrified by his idea, your heart would have fluttered at the thought of him watching your works. “That’s not the point. Do you even know what I had been through today?” The visual of a big red dot on Sungchan’s forehead never left your mind, not to mention the sound of gunshots being fired in the open. You were so close to facing death if the sniper had the intention of killing you.

His hard gaze met yours. “Either cry or do something about it. Practice how to properly shoot for defense, or even for offense. Your call.”

You stayed mute, knowing that he was right. Dammit.

He went to pluck a rifle off the wall, and opened a drawer to load the bullets in. With his other free hand, he picked up a pair of over-the-head noise-cancelling earmuffs and eye protection for you and walked back to your side.

“Hold this,” he said, handing you the firearm. You carefully held it, fully aware of the real bullets inside, unlike the empty ones during your type of shootings. Taeyong adjusted the eye protection on you. “Follow my lead,” he said before placing the earmuffs over your ears to block out the supposed noise that would pollute the air.

Taeyong took hold of the rifle in one hand and held your hand, leading you to one of the lanes in the middle. You pulled down the earmuffs and asked, “Wait, aren’t you gonna wear protection?”

He tapped on his glasses, and as for his ears, “There’s a silencer on the rifle.”

You gawked at him. “Then why am I wearing one?”

Taeyong didn’t answer. Lifting the rifle and pointing at the target trap with one eye closed, he pulled the trigger. You yelped and covered your ears, shutting your eyes tight in fear of hearing the traumatizing sound of the gunshot. Yet, you didn’t. You peeked open your eyes to find Taeyong smirking at you.

Your eyes followed down the lane and squinted, spotting a black hole right in the center of the trap. Lifting your hands off your ears, you turned back to the man. “You...” You should have expected it. Being the mafia leader he was, his exceptional aim was expected.

“Do you want to wear them now?” he asked, referring to the earmuffs around your neck.

You quickly pulled them up to cover your ears and tried your best to hide the growing smile on your face. Taeyong was only being considerate of your recent events.

He took hold of your hand and drew you to the marked spot for a perfect aim. He lifted each of your hands to hold the correct areas of the weapon. Once you were ready, he stepped back, gesturing with his hand for you to take an aim as he’d evaluate your barely-existent shooting skills.

Unfortunately, you had never held a rifle before, and so when you struggled to figure out a comfortable posture, Taeyong tutted in disapproval. “That’s not it,” he muttered under his breath.

You had a feeling he said something and asked, “What?” Though you went speechless when his body was pressed to yours, flushing his warmth to your backside. His hands rested on your hips to twist you in the correct angle before bringing them around to support your hands under the gun. Your heart trashed in your chest when Taeyong pressed his cheek against yours. You were close to squirming under his bony hold, and momentarily, your eyes trailed down the veins of his revealing forearms.

“Like this,” he breathed out. He brought your finger to rest on the trigger and... click! Your heartrate spiked, pumping at a pace so fast that you lost focus from the goal. If it weren’t for Taeyong’s hold, you wouldn’t know where your aim would have ended up.

Not the bullseye like his, but close enough within a couple of centimeters.

“Woah...” you breathed out, surprised that even with you, he was able to aim so closely to his.

He plucked your eyewear and earmuffs off, startling you. “Wait, that’s it?”

Taeyong chuckled. “You wanna do more?”

Frowning, you shook your head. “I think that’s it for tonight.” You had enough of shooting, but not of his touch.

“You can come and practice anytime. But make sure you have someone with you.” He grabbed the rifle from you and walked back to the loaded wall, putting the things back into its proper place.

You nodded, more to yourself. You definitely needed someone and preferred if it was Taeyong.

Following him up the stairs, Taeyong stopped in front of your bedroom. “Goodnight, Y/N,” he said softly and just before he turned on his heels to leave, you called for him.

“Taeyong?”

“Hm?”

Chewing on your bottom lip, you uttered a timid “thanks.” No, that wasn’t what you wanted to say, but you held back your desire.

He sent you a heart-stopping smile coupled with crinkling eyes before walking away, leaving you in daze as you watched his retreating figure with your dancing heart.

- ❀ -

You walked in to find your boys eating breakfast peacefully. Jeno looked up. “Oh noona, you’re awake early.”

You usually slept late into the mornings on your days off, and so for you to show your face at dawn was odd. “I’m just not sleepy.” After getting back under the covers, it was difficult to when you couldn’t stop thinking about Taeyong and his enveloped warmth around you. Though you weren’t complaining as it was much better to be wondering about him than the traumatic events of the day. Plopping down into the chair, you observed the various dishes arranged on the table.

Are you going to eat?

Taeyong’s voice suddenly rang in your head from the first night you met him. Flustered, you picked up a pair of chopsticks and began digging in. All your boys froze in shock, amused to see you eating by yourself without anyone urging you to.

After breakfast, you didn’t know if you were allowed to walk into Taeyong’s study room on your own, but it was only one quick thing that you wanted to obtain. You pushed open the doors, the room vacant. Avoiding your eyes to fall on the other side of the wall, you strode over to the spot where Taeyong picked out the Latin book. Spotting the familiar spine, you pulled it out and scanned over its cover.

“You’re going to read it now?”

You jumped at the unexpected voice, and the book slipped out of your hand. Twirling around, you found Taeyong with Kun beside him. He gave his man a nod to which Kun responded with a small bow of his head and disappeared from his side. Taeyong closed the doors behind him and walked in, bending down to pick up the fallen book and handing it to you.

“T-thanks,” you stuttered. “I didn’t mean to intrude in here. I just wanted the book. I promise,” you rambled.

He hummed. “I can see that. You’re welcome to come in and read anything on the shelves. Both on this side and,” he nodded to the wall behind him, “that side.”

You chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be going to that side. But thank you,” you said, ending your words with a bashful smile.

He stared at you wordlessly for a moment, your lips suddenly going dry under his intense gaze and felt the need to wet it with your tongue. His eyes flickered dangerously to your bare lips and leaned forward, stopping when both your faces were inches apart as he waited for a sign from you. You didn’t move back and felt his soft breaths on your face. Goosebumps rose on your skin as you clutched the book in your hold more tightly. The book would surely fall out of your grasp if his lips connected with yours.

Sensing that, Taeyong plucked the book out of your hand and wrapped that arm around your waist, drawing you closer to him. Your heart almost jumped out of your chest and rested your hands on his chest for balance, feeling his hard body hidden behind the same white shirt he wore the previous night. Now that you were super close to his warmth, you closed your eyes, waiting to feel his lips on yours. He tilted his head to the side, the tip of his nose touching yours before-

Knock knock! “Boss?”

Your eyes jolted open and pushed Taeyong away from you. His arm lifted off your waist as he amusedly watched your reaction, knowing that his men would never dare to barge in without permission. You hurriedly made your way over to the door and halfway through, Taeyong called for you. “Y/N?”

You spun around and found him lifting the forgotten book that you planned to busy yourself into. You darted back, grabbed the book, ran back to the doors, and pulled them open to reveal a familiar man that you hadn’t interacted with before.

Johnny gave you a wide eyed look as you scurried past him with burning cheeks. He turned to his boss, wanting to ask him what you were doing in there. But he only settled with Taeyong’s soft chuckle.

- ❀ -

In a few days, you had already gone through a few books on Taeyong’s generous bookcases. Though it unfortunately resulted in your head to start aching from the enormous retention of information.

Slamming the book shut, you grumbled, “What the hell do I do now?” This was why you never liked the idea of taking a break. You’d lose your mind with what to do next. Taeyong did offer his whole collection of books, but you didn’t want to just read books all day especially with the impeding headache. The first thought that crossed your mind was to go to the underground shooting range. But you were not ready to face your trauma with guns again just yet.

Jaemin, who was laying on the couch next to yours, sat up. “Do you want to check out the garden outside?”

You did need fresh air and the thought of having to surround yourself with greenery piqued your interest. Even though they mentioned that the property was protected, you wanted to stay safe indoors. “Definitely not outside, please.” He hummed and raked through his mind for more suggestions.

Haechan walked in, busying himself with eating grapes from a bunch. Without him knowing, a loose piece fell from the branch and bounced a little on the floor and he stepped on it and crushing the juicy flesh. “Omo,” he mumbled, realizing what he had just done.

Jaemin cursed under his breath and yelled, “You idiot! Do you have a death wish? Boss hates mess!”

“I know! I’ll clean it up before he comes back tonight!”

“What? You’re gonna leave it until then?”

Their bickering was cut off by Jeno running into the room. He took a few deep breaths to slow down his pants and announced, “I just talked to Doyoung hyung. I’m sorry, noona, but you’re not gonna like this.”

-

You locked yourself up in your bedroom, face buried into the depths of the pillow as you screamed with the agonizing pain in your heart. Your life was over. Your acting life was over. Your normal life was over. Chenle wanted you to terminate the agency contract with the reason that you were never going to be safe as long as Lord was alive. Lord had terrorized the president to spill confidential details about yourself, and for the sake of his life, he had to sacrifice you. Nothing was going to be the same anymore and you could never go back to your old life with that parasite after you.

Everything you had worked so hard for was being washed away. All because Taemin suggested to go to the very nightclub that took his life after. All because you refused to let Kun escort you to a VIP room. You muffled the sounds of your cries against the fabric, and no one dared to check up on you.

The night fell and you hadn’t stepped out of your room the entire day, making your boys worried. “Should we go check up on noona?” Jeno asked.

Renjun shook his head. “We should give her time.”

“She hasn’t eaten anything all day. Shouldn’t we give her something to eat at least?” Jaemin suggested.

Haechan rolled his eyes. “I doubt she’ll eat. Unless Taeyong hyung feeds her like last time.”

Numerous pairs of footsteps were heard, signaling the arrival of their boss with men behind. Taeyong appeared into the room and noticed the atmosphere. The four boys stood straight, not daring to utter a word.

“What’s going on?” Taeyong asked, glancing over all their faces and suspicious by their silence. “Renjun?”

The said boy was startled, having been the one called out to speak.

-

You heard three knocks on the door and hid further under the blanket. When the door opened, you cursed under your breath. “Haechan, you better get the fuck out! I’m not in the mood.”

No response was heard, making you confused and pulled down the blanket only for your eyes. Only to have your entire body jolt up into sitting position when it wasn’t Haechan standing in your room.

It was Taeyong, seeming a bit flustered by your words.

With shame, you avoided his gaze. But you couldn’t avoid the aching hole in your heart and your sniffles made a comeback. Taeyong let out a soft sigh and walked over to the side of your bed, sitting down beside you. “I heard what happened.”

You hugged your legs to your chest. “It’s not fair,” you choked out. “He ruined my life. I love acting and I have to let it go all because of that fucking pest!” The volume of your words increased at the end and your loud pain-filled cries resounded within Taeyong’s heart. He shifted closer to you and guided your head to his chest, holding you tightly while stroking your hair.

When you calmed down slightly, you pulled back to look at him in the eyes. “Chenle said that leech is powerful. But I’m sure you are too, Taeyong. Please, can you do something to get him out of my life? Just kill him. I want him dead so bad after everything he’s done. Please, Taeyong.”

Your desperate pleas accompanied with teary eyes broke his heart. Lord was indeed the most powerful in the underworld. Taeyong only ran his business, providing supplies and services. Lord, a client of Taeyong’s, had a hierarchical establishment with people not just working under him but protecting him at all costs. To kill Lord meant to kill off everyone subordinated under him, and that was not going to be easy.

But he was willing to do anything to give you your happiness back.

- ❀ -

“Noona, are you sure you really want to go?” Jaemin asked.

“It’s the only safest thing I can do right now.”

Renjun nodded. “That is true.”

It was all about taking a baby step. You were losing your sanity from staying trapped indoors. The only safest place at the moment that you could bet your entire life on was your grandmother’s house. Once you were able to go there without a fear, you could then pay your agency’s president one last visit for contract termination.

Renjun and Jaemin suddenly stood up straighter, their reflex only meaning one thing. You turned around and found their boss walking in with Kun, Mark and Lucas behind.

“Where do you want to go?” Taeyong inquired.

“My grandma’s. She lives on her own in the rural side.”

He hummed. “I’ll take you,” he stated.

Renjun nodded, “Okay, we’ll get ready-”

“I’ll take her alone.”

Everyone in the room went silent in shock. You blinked at Taeyong as your heart speeded up giddily at the thought of having to spend time with Taeyong alone outside. Kun couldn’t believe that his boss was willing to go somewhere on his own. Lucas was close to letting out his fanboying scream, and Mark slapped his hand to cover the taller boy’s mouth. “Dude, don’t,” he harshly whispered. Jaemin was amused by his boss’s decision and muttered “sexy” under his breath.

-

Taeyong’s car screeched to a stop and you hopped out, looking up at the small traditional Korean house under the sunlight that your grandmother resided in all alone. “Granny!” you called for her and jogged up to the entrance with Taeyong leisurely following you.

Your grandmother appeared, smiling to hear your angelic voice. “Goodness! My angel is here.” You chuckled and hugged her tight, all the stress leaving your body momentarily before you’d face the reality again.

She curiously looked at the man behind you. “I’ve never seen you before.” She knew all your boys, having seen them join you when you’d visit her.

Taeyong bowed a full 90 degrees. “Hello, I’m Yong,” he greeted with utmost respect for the elderly woman.

Your grandma raised her eyebrows. “Ah, you definitely do radiate dragon energy. Tell me, are you her boyfriend?”

Taeyong’s cheeks dusted pink at her words while you choked on your spit. “Granny, no! He’s not someone like that.”

“Then?”

He cleared his throat, answering, “I’m her bodyguard.”

You lifted your eyebrows at him, questioning his choice of title. He only smiled back at you.

“Quite a handsome bodyguard you got there, angel.”

“Granny!” you whined, feeling the second-hand embarrassment. Taeyong blushed harder at her words and bowed his head in gratitude.

“You two came right on time. Lunch is almost ready. Rest for a bit and I’ll call you.” With that, she left for the kitchen.

You heaved out a sigh and turned to him. “Sorry, she’s...” you trailed off, chuckling nervously.

He shook his head. “It’s okay.”

You released a small noise from the back of your throat. “Ah! You introduced yourself as Yong.”

He gave you a nod. “It’s what I go with for people outside my world.”

“Outside people? Those not from the underworld?”

“Yes.”

You pouted at him. “Why did you tell me your name when I first asked you? I’m clearly not from your world.”

Taeyong didn’t answer you right away. Instead, he moved to sit on the steps, patting beside him for you to take a seat. You did and waited for him to continue. He gazed up at the clear blue sky, hearing the soft rustling of leaves on trees nearby. “You came in my dream once,” he whispered, shifting his eyes towards you. “Before I met you, I saw you in my dream.”

Your tongue danced in your mouth. Taeyong dreamed of you? “W-What? What was I doing?”

He chuckled at your stuttering. “Nothing exotic.”

Your cheeks burned. “I didn’t mean that!”

Entertained by your reaction, he continued. “Ever since that dream, you can say I grew a soft spot for you,” he smiled.

“Soft spot? But what happened in that dream?” You were desperate to figure out what made Taeyong become the way he was when with you.

He cocked his head to the side. “If I tell you, will you make it happen?”

You were dumbstruck that he’d ask you to make whatever he dreamed of become a reality. What did you even do in his dream? “Forget it! I don’t want to know!” You turned your body away, crossing your arms and tried to calm your beating heart down.

Though Taeyong had another plan. He pulled you close to him, making you lose balance and collide to his chest. He brought his hands up to cup your jawline and inched closer to you. You closed your eyes, waiting for his lips on yours.

Only to feel them on your forehead.

Your eyelids ripped open and met his soft gaze. “This was what you did in my dream,” he spoke lovingly, caressing your cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

Flowers blossomed in your chest and you laughed quietly. “You really are soft for me, huh?”

He smiled warmly at you. “I’m at your mercy.”

Just then, your grandmother called, “Y/N-ah! Yong-ah! Lunch is ready!”

You yelped, and grabbed Taeyong’s hands off your face, bringing them down to rest on your lap. “So... Yong-ah, eh? That sounds cute. How about I call you Yongie from now on? What do you say?” You were only teasing him, knowing that he wasn’t going to agree as he wouldn’t want to blow his tough cover act as a mafia boss.

What you didn’t expect was him to smile with crescent moon eyes. “Anything my queen likes.”

You and Taeyong sat side by side while your grandmother seated across from you.

“How’s your acting going, angel?”

You froze for a moment. Your grandmother refused to have any technology at home, not even a television to watch your dramas and movies. She reasoned that she wanted to spend her remaining days with nature. Not having a phone for communication would make you more prone to see her in person rather than be lazy and hear her voice instead.

“It’s great. Lots of fun stuff going on,” you lied smoothly. To tell her the truth meant telling her everything from the beginning, including the psychopath. And you weren’t in the mood for that. Plus, you didn’t want her to worry.

She hummed and said, “Eat a lot. Especially you, Yong-ah. How else are you going to fulfil your duty as her bodyguard when you’re looking like that?”

Taeyong was surprised by the sudden attack. “I assure you I am fully capable of taking care of Y/N with my strength and skills.”

You stifled back a laugh at the thought of Taeyong being your bodyguard. Your grandmother’s jaw dropped seeing your laugh and hearing just Y/N come out of the man’s mouth. She smacked your hand with her spoon, making you cry out dramatically. “Ow! Why did you do that?”

“You liar. I knew he was your boyfriend!”

-

Taeyong brought you home late into the night when everyone was asleep. Or they thought everyone was. Haechan and Jaemin were hiding behind a wall, peeking out to see their noona and boss head up the stairs. Once the two of you made it to the top of the staircase, Jaemin gasped while Haechan’s jaw dropped. You did not go inside your room but walked with Taeyong in the direction of his room.

“Do you think they’re...” Jaemin asked the boy.

“They’re so together,” Haechan confirmed.

Taeyong opened the door, letting you in first. After you walked in, he closed the door behind him while you were mesmerized by his luxurious bedroom. He wrapped his arms around your waist from behind and nuzzled his face into your neck, making you jump slightly from his unexpected touches before relaxing against his chest.

You turned around in his hold, flickering your eyes to his lips. “You better kiss me this time. And I mean on the lips,” you said.

He smiled at you and raised his hand to swipe his thumb across your lower lip, silently admiring your beautiful lips bare of any makeup, before diving in to at last catch the lips that had him under your control.

-

You woke up to the feeling of a strong arm draped over your waist and found Taeyong staring at you with a longing look in his half-lidded eyes. The sunlight shone on his face, making him look more like a soft boy than a cold mafia boss. He pulled you to his chest, leaving no space between you two as you were embraced by his love.

“I’d love to wake up like this everyday,” you muttered, breathing in his scent on his shirt. “Can I come sleep in your room?”

He kissed your temple. “Of course. Everything mine is yours.”

- ❀ -

Taeyong held a meeting with his top men in his study room: Kun, Johnny, Lucas, Mark and Jungwoo. He had an important meeting with a client, which conflicted with your plan of finally going out to meet with your agency’s president. He was sending a few of his other bodyguards along with your personal assistants. And for additional precautions, he wanted to send one of his best men with you.

He looked at Johnny, the best sniper in the team. “Go with Y/N,” he ordered to which the taller man nodded with a “Yes, boss.”

Lucas’s eyes wavered. “Um, boss, can I go with Y/N-ssi?” he asked. He was confident in his ability to protect the actress he admired with all his heart.

Taeyong silently stared at the younger boy and nodded after giving it a thought. Lucas being a fanboy of yours would be willing to put his life on the line and make sure that you were safe. “I’m trusting you then. Johnny, stay with me.”

“Can I go too, boss?” Jungwoo asked with puppy eyes.

The leader sent a small glare his way. “Only one person is going and that’s Lucas.”

-

Renjun pulled the vehicle up to the front of the building that Chenle had decided on. The agency building being a threat for your safety, the president organized the meeting at a restaurant on the top floor, away from buildings for a possible sniper lurking outdoor.

You stepped out of the van, another car pulling up right behind you consisting of Taeyong’s men. Having a few men of his by your side gave you a sense of relief. Jeno and Jaemin led the way, Haechan and Lucas by your sides, and the bodyguards behind you. Renjun stayed in the van for emergency reason if needing to get you out of the area in the blink of an eye.

Arriving at the top floor, you found Chenle sipping on his coffee while looking out the floor-to-ceiling windows, gazing at the fluffy clouds in the clear blue sky. Jisung stood behind him while a few of the president’s men stood off to the side. His secretary spotted you and informed the president of your arrival. Chenle looked in your way, a bittersweet feeling growing inside him for having to end your contract.

Jeno pulled out a chair across from the president and you sat down with a heavy heart, willing yourself to not breakdown in front of him. Chenle gave Jisung a look, making his secretary pull out a pen and document from a folder and handing it over to the president.

“It’s a shame that I have to see this day come, Y/N.” With pursed lips, he slid them in your way and added, “It’s unlikely you’ll be safe anymore as long as you’re in his radar.”

Your vision blurred and so you closed your eyes to focus on your breathing for a bit. Gathering the courage, you picked up the black inked pen and signed on the papers painstakingly slow, placing a dot at the end of your signature to mark the end of your acting career.

You put the pen down and clenched your fists, dropping them in your lap. “Thank you for giving me a chance, Chenle-ssi. Thank you for giving me opportunities and making my dreams come true.” Your voice grew quieter at the end, making Chenle send you a sad smile.

“It’s my pleasure-”

He was cut off abruptly by a shrill sound of a phone ringing. Jeno apologized and picked it up. “Yeah? What? Shit.” He quickly hung up and urgently stated, “We need to leave.”

Your heart rate picked up. “W-what happened?”

“His men got here.”

“WHAT?” Haechan yelled and pulled out his pistol. “You’re fucking kidding me!”

Jaemin grabbed your hand and pulled you out of your seat. “Let’s go, noona.” You wordlessly let him drag you without taking a glance back at your former president. Lucas and the bodyguards filed in front of you with Haechan and Jeno right behind them, their weapons ready to shoot any of Lord’s men at sight.

Jaemin’s grip on you tightened when the enemies came into view. Bullets began being fired everywhere, and Jaemin was able to duck you out of their sight to a nearby wall for cover. Your chest grew heavy and you broke down, your fear of losing another loved one increasing with every beat of your heart. “Why the hell do they have to do this?”

The boy found an alternate route hidden from the others’ sights. “Follow me.” Jaemin pulled you to an exit door that led to a spiral staircase. Unbeknownst to either of you, a man caught up behind you, almost attacking the boy right after passing through the door. With Jaemin’s quick skills, he threw in a few punches and a high kick, knocking the man unconscious right away. He grabbed your hand and escorted your shocked self down what seemed like an endless flight of stairs.

Almost two floors left before you’d jump into the van to seek refuge until-

A woman waited calmly against the wall at the base of the stairwell. You didn’t know if she was a part of Lord’s gang, but Jaemin’s abrupt stop told you that she was.

She whistled, nearing the two of you. “Well would you look at that. Na Jaemin just made my work easy,” she said in a sultry low voice.

Jaemin tugged at your hand to push you behind him. His other hand rested behind him on his gun. “You know I’d hate to use violence on you,” he said through gritted teeth.

Tut-tutting, the woman replied, “Sucks for you.” She ran up to him in a blink of an eye, kicking him in the stomach. With limited space to go, he took the blow. Before he could recover and pull his pistol out, the woman attacked him in the neck, knocking him out in the speed of light. You stared down at Jaemin’s unconscious body in absolute shock.

Catching you off guard, a cloth was pressed to your mouth. You fought back, attempting to get it off your face but failed to with the woman’s strong grip and your world turned black.

-

“You should have fucking blown her brain out!” Haechan incredulously yelled.

“You really think I can do that?” Jaemin retorted weakly. His body ached from Karina’s powerful blows.

Jeno shook his head, disappointed with Jaemin. “We lost noona because of your weakness.”

Haechan dropped his head in his hands. “How the fuck are we gonna tell boss? We’re so dead.”

Speaking of dead, Renjun asked, “How’s Lucas doing in the back?”

Haechan whipped his head around, finding a paler looking boy laying on his back, only barely breathing with blood covering his arm. “He’s critical.”

Arriving at the mansion, Jeno aided Renjun in bringing Lucas to the medical room where Taeil was already present after receiving their phone call. Taeil tended to the injured boy’s wound while the four remaining boys gathered in the main hall.

“Be ready to explain, Jaemin,” Jeno said. “Boss is gonna be so mad to hear this.”

Haechan scowled and yelled at Renjun. “And what the fuck were you doing? Did you not see someone take her out?”

The older boy’s jaw dropped. “You really think I wouldn’t have done anything if I saw her getting kidnapped? I didn’t see anyone take her out!” he shouted back.

“Then how the fuck did they even get her out of the building?”

“You think there’s only one entrance for a big building like that? How was I supposed to even cover all the entrances by myself?!”

“Guys, shut up. I’m getting a headache,” Jaemin groaned.

“You shut up!” Haechan snapped. “You’re not allowed to say anything since you’re the one who lost noona!”

“Where’s Y/N?”

The boys grew deadly silent upon hearing the voice of the man that they dreaded to see. Too caught up with their problem, they failed to notice their boss’s presence.

“I asked where’s Y/N!” Taeyong yelled in such anger that made all the boys, including the ones coming in with him, flinch.

Haechan gulped nervously and side glanced at Renjun. Renjun made a face indicating that he wasn’t going to be the one to break the news. Instead, Jeno did. “They got her.”

Their boss raised an eyebrow at them. “Were enough men not sent?”

“I-It’s not that.” Jeno paused to wet his lips. “Karina got in the way.”

Taeyong shifted his furious gaze onto the only boy who would be responsible for losing his queen because of the said girl and walked up to him. Jaemin’s eyes were fixed on the floor, feeling guilty for losing you and afraid to meet his boss’s eyes. “Pick one. Y/N or Karina. Don’t ever come into my sight if you’re going to put Y/N’s life on the line all because of your lingering feelings for that witch.”

Jaemin sucked in a short breath and looked up at the leader. “I won’t hesitate to hurt Karina next time.”

Taeyong hummed at his response. “You better not.” He looked around for the other sent men. “Where are the ones I sent?”

Haechan inhaled, “They didn’t make it. Lucas is in critical condition and Taeil is treating him.”

The stress was getting to Taeyong and he rubbed his forehead. “Make sure Lucas heals. Y/N shouldn’t have to come back and hear of another death.” Especially of the one who was a big fanboy of yours.

Haechan nodded. “Yes boss.”

Kun’s phone began ringing, his eyes widening at the flashing name. “Boss, it’s Lord.”

Taeyong’s heart stopped beating briefly. His blood ran cold at the thought of the now enemy having done something terrible to you. Taeyong didn’t care if an ill relation with his biggest client would tarnish his reputation in the underworld. He was willing to risk everything and anything all for you.

All that mattered was for you to be safe.

He closed his eyes, trying to calm his incoming rage so that he could think logically on how he could save you. “Answer it.”

Kun accepted the call. “Lord,” he curtly greeted.

The said man clicked his tongue. “How’s Taeyong doing? I’m sure he must have gotten the news by now,” he said, laughing menacingly at the end.

“What do you want?”

He hummed. “Well, for starters, give the phone to your boss.”

Kun turned to his leader. “He wants to speak with you.”

Taeyong took a deep breath in, retrieving the phone. “Don’t you dare even think about laying your finger on her,” he threatened through gritted teeth.

The man crouched down in front of your bound form on the chair, your hands tied behind you. You furiously glared at the disgusting pest as he lifted his hand to run his thumb over your bottom lip, collecting your red lip stain. “Why not? She’s mine. I can do anything I want with her,” he whispered huskily into your face. Your heartrate spiked in fear and turned your head away from him, biting your lips to stop yourself from crying.

“She’s not yours.”

“Oh, is that so? I hadn’t been seeing her lately so I can only assume it was you who hid her from me.” Taeyong stayed silent, choosing to hear his enemy out. Lord sighed, sounding betrayed and stood up. “I trusted you, Taeyong, doing business with you. But if you’re going to steal my girl from me, then I have no choice but to punish you.”

You whipped your head to stare at him with blown up eyes. “No... please don’t hurt him,” you begged softly.

It was quiet, but Taeyong heard your voice. He nearly lost his mind at that point, hearing you plead the monster in front of you to spare his life.

Lord chuckled darkly at you. “Did you hear that, Taeyong? My girl doesn’t want me to hurt you.”

“You’re fucking psycho!” you screamed.

“Only for you, darling,” he drawled.

If at any point you couldn’t hold back the contents in your stomach, you wouldn’t hesitate to throw up right then and there in front of him. And you hoped on him.

Taeyong was one braincell away from losing his sanity. “What do you want?”

Lord hummed. “It’s quite obvious. Give up on my girl.” You gaped in disbelief, wishing Taeyong would do anything he could to get you out of the psychopath’s warehouse. You were not going to become this monster’s girl.

Taeyong ground his teeth in full fury. If he had to give you up for your safety, then he’d do it. But he would never give you up to Lord.

“I know you wouldn’t agree to it. That’s why I have another proposal for you.”

Another choice? You narrowed your eyes at him, wondering what the other suggestion could be and anticipated for something that could give both you and Taeyong a light of hope.

“What’s the other proposal?” Taeyong asked.

“Well, if you don’t voluntarily leave my girl alone, then I’ll help you to. I’ll order a shoot at sight to my men and your death would mean I wouldn’t have to worry about you ever taking Y/N away from me, no matter where she’d be.”

All colour drained from your face. No... you couldn’t let that happen to Taeyong. “No, Taeyong! Don’t choose that! Please!” you shouted, hoping he’d hear you and not make a choice that could kill you in the end more than being the monster’s girl.

Taeyong’s death.

Lord laughed at you. “Wow, you’re desperate to be my girl then, huh?” he asked in amusement.

You scowled at him. “Anything but Taeyong’s death!”

“Hm. Well, looks like it’s settled then, Taeyong. Give her up to me, especially when she’s choosing it herself.” Lord cut the call before he could hear Taeyong’s response. Without giving you another glance, he began sauntering towards the exit.

“Wait! Aren’t you going to untie me now?” You were confused why you were still being bound to the chair when the sickening decision was made.

He turned on his heel, blankly blinking at you, and walked back. Crouching down to your level again, he asked, “You really think Taeyong is going to give up?”

You frowned. “What?”

He cocked an eyebrow up. “You really don’t know how our world works, huh? It’s not as good as your world, darling. When we give options, things are ultimately done to ensure that the desired outcome isn’t sacrificed.” He towered over you, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I’m keeping you here as a bait for Taeyong to get here, given that he never confirmed that he was giving up on you.” With that, he walked out of your confined room.

Your heart got caught in your throat when you finally comprehended the situation.

Lord was going to kill Taeyong.

You let out a high-pitched scream, and only one thought repeated in your mind, hoping it’d be telepathed to him. You couldn’t bare the idea of him coming to save you and getting killed in the process.

Please, Taeyong, don’t save me.

Taeyong did everything he could to stop himself from breaking his phone on the floor. He calmed himself a little by thinking of you, thinking of how scared you’d be with Lord. “Get ready,” he told his men. “We’re going to save Y/N.”

-

Their massive van was parked near an exit and away from their enemy’s vehicles. The limousine that Lord would only ride in was absent, meaning that he wasn’t there.

Taeyong repeated his strict order to everyone. “Do everything you can to bring her back home safely. Understood?” He had gone over the plan with his crew twice, making sure no one would mess up and go against his order.

No where in his plan was protecting himself like it usually consisted of. That made Kun voice out his thought. “What about you, boss?”

Taeyong intently stared at his man. “Did I mention anything about me? Focus on protecting Y/N,” he emphasized. “If anyone goes against my order, then I’ll be your worst nightmare.” Without another word, Taeyong hopped out of the van with his machine gun at hand and strode over to the entrance that his men were ordered to take after exactly a minute.

Everyone in the van went silent, waiting for their time to head inside. Haechan felt his eyes moisten and rubbed them. “I seriously respect hyung,” he whispered to himself.

Right upon entry, Taeyong spotted a number of men lurking around and began auto-firing, killing everyone on sight. He crouched down beside one of the dead bodies, retrieving a small key out of their pocket and placing it inside his before continuing his quest to find you.

-

You cringed inwardly at the smelly man seated near you, watching your face for possible plans of untying the ropes yourself and kicking his ass. You wished you could. That way, you could run out without Taeyong risking his life to save you.

But you couldn’t. Not when the man was keeping an intense gaze on you.

You suddenly heard his walkie talkie go off. “Roger, you hear me?”

The man you assumed was Roger grumbled, “What is it?”

“They got-” The person on the other line didn’t finish their words before gunshots took his life.

“Fuck,” Roger cursed and ran to the side of the room, picking up his weapon for protection. He didn’t have enough time to when your one and only man swiftly entered the room and fired at him.

Your heart leaped and tears brimmed your eyes, super grateful to see him alive and uninjured. “You’re here,” you breathed out.

Taeyong smiled out of relief to see you unharmed and quickly untied you. Once you were free, you wrapped your arms around his waist and buried your face into his chest, wanting to savour his love before beginning the mission of getting out of the place with Taeyong alive.

He rubbed your back soothingly and kissed the top of your head. “Let’s go.”

You pulled back and let him lead you out of the room.

Jaemin came into sight and his leader gently pushed you in his way. “Get her out.”

The boy nodded, promising to keep you safe. Though you started panicking at his words. “Wait, what about you, Taeyong?”

Taeyong froze, hesitating on how to answer you. He placed his free hand on the back of your head, angling you down to kiss your forehead. If it weren’t for the situation that you were in, your heart would have soared in the air. But that moment, you were terrified of what Taeyong had up his sleeve. Without a single word, he turned away from you and ran in the other direction.

“Noona, we need to go now!” With a heavy heart, you let him take you as your eyes refused to divert your sight away from the retreating figure of the man you loved.

Not too long after, some of Lord’s men were spotted. Jaemin tugged you behind his form and fired at them. Johnny and Haechan appeared and shot most of them down until-

“Jaemin! Behind you!” Haechan shrieked.

He spun around and found a man behind him. Too late for a reflex due to his still aching body, the enemy shot him in the head, killing him on the spot.

You screamed at the disturbing sight of your sweet Jaemin lying on the ground. Lifeless.

Johnny aced with his sniper skills and shot the man before he could get to you. Haechan darted to you and yanked your arm from your rooted spot. Haechan guarded you out while Johnny kept an eye out for possible targets. You cried, “Are we leaving Jaemin behind like that?”

“Noona, shut up if you don’t want one of us dead.” A man came out from a wall and shot Haechan in the hand, making him drop his gun. The boy yelped in pain and clutched his hand to stop the blood from gushing out. Johnny took him down in one go. The smaller boy cursed under his breath. “Fuck! This stings!”

“Keep moving, Haechan,” Johnny demanded to which the boy did without another complaint.

You were finally pushed into the refuge of the van. Too shocked from the terrifying event of Jaemin being shot to death in front of your eyes, you didn’t bother to look up inside to see who was present.

Renjun spoke into his earpiece. “Mission complete. We have noona.”

One after another, everyone gathered inside the vehicle. Renjun started the engine and began driving away from the warehouse. You realized that Taeyong was still missing and shouted, “Why are you driving away? Taeyong isn’t here yet!”

“This is boss’s order. We can’t go against him,” Kun replied to you.

You incredulously gaped at him. “You’re gonna leave him behind? All on his own?”

“It was his order, noona,” Jeno responded. “We do what he-”

Right when the vehicle was at a safe distance, the warehouse blew up and combusted into flames.

“FUCK!” Haechan screamed.

“Step on it, Renjun!” Mark yelled at the driver.

Renjun slammed the accelerator driving faster away from the burning building. You stared out the window in pure shock. “T-T-Tae... yong,” you choked out before blacking out.

Jeno alarmingly held your limp figure and tried to shake you awake. “Noona, wake up!”

Kun in the end grasped his boss’s separate and unspoken plan and dropped his head in his hands. “No way,” he muttered under his breath.

Taeyong had prepared a suicide mission.

-

Taemin.

Sungchan.

Jaemin.

Taeyong.

Lucas.

You vacantly stared ahead of you, zoned out of the present moment, refusing to believe reality of the lost lives. Taeil had released the bad news that while everyone was away, Lucas didn’t make it.

Everyone stood around your sitting form on the couch, waiting to hear a single word from you. You were convinced that the excruciating pain in your heart was going to take your life if you didn’t kill yourself beforehand.

After some time, you finally spoke up. “Taeyong isn’t allowed to die. He’s your boss. He’s supposed to be the best at everything!” you raised your voice at the end. “You can’t fucking tell me he prepared a fucking suicide mission so that he could kill everyone there!” you screamed.

No one said a word as their gazes were fixed on the ground.

The pain in your heart was unbearable. “Just kill me. I can’t live anymore.” Not when your sweet personal assistants were gone. Not when your true fanboy was gone.

Not when Taeyong, your love who you had barely even spent time with before being ripped away from you, was gone.

When no one looked up to meet your sorrowful eyes, you angrily yelled, “Someone just take their gun out and shoot me before I do it myself!”

Haechan stepped forward, but he didn’t do as you said. Instead, he dropped down onto his knees with his head hanging low. “Noona, please hear me out,” he pleaded and lifted his sad eyes to meet yours. “I know you’re really hurt right now, but we lost our boss. We don’t have anyone as our leader anymore. Please, noona, I believe in you. I know you can do it. Become our boss and keep us alive. Stay alive for us. Please?” he begged, clasping his bandaged hand with his uninjured one.

You wanted someone to kill you, not beg you to takeover Taeyong’s position as a mafia leader. “What? W-Why... why me? I don’t know anything about your world. And-” You turned to the right-hand man. “Why can’t Kun or someone else who knows more be your boss?” You couldn’t takeover Taeyong’s position when you had zero experience in it. You were nowhere near Taeyong’s skills.

Kun shook his head. “Haechan is right. Everyone in the underworld knows us. We can’t take our boss’s place as we’ve always been doing what we’ve been good at. One of us taking his place would just lower our reputation that we couldn’t find someone close to the power that Taeyong hyung used to radiate. You have that, Y/N-ssi. You have the boss energy. I’ll guide you on everything you need to know and you’ll be ready in no time because I know you are a smart woman, Y/N-ssi.”

You chewed on your lower lip anxiously. Everything Kun said made sense to you, but- “I don’t know...” you whispered more to yourself. You didn’t want any of this. You only yearned for your Taeyong to come back. “Why can’t you guys abandon this life?”

Haechan shook his head. “Noona, Taeyong hyung built his life around this. He started this and worked hard to become where he is... was. How would he feel if we all just kill off everything he’s worked so hard for?”

Your body trembled at the mention of Taeyong’s hard work, breaking you down all over again for what felt like the nth time. “I can’t do this. I need him.” You desperately wished he were here to tell you what to do.

Renjun decided to chime in and help you with the decision. “Noona, if you learn about the workings of our world, you’ll learn more about how Lord works. Then, you can get your revenge on him.”

His words held an enormous amount of weight and everyone looked at you, hope filling their eyes at the alluring suggestion from the smaller boy. Your brain geared up, liking the idea of having the knowledge and power to come face to face with your enemy and end him once and for all.

You stood up with newfound determination, red-hot surging in you as you thirsted for violence, and quietly treaded in a familiar direction, puzzling everyone.

“Should we follow her?” Johnny asked.

“We should,” Jeno answered.

They trailed behind you as you took a set of stairs leading to the underground range. You marched up to the wall and plucked off the very rifle that Taeyong had once guided you on using.

“Um, Y/N-ssi, what are you doing?” Mark inquired.

You fixed yourself at the marked beginning of the lane, painfully recalling the way Taeyong positioned you to correctly hold the weapon. Closing one eye, you focused on the bullet trap at the end. “I’m getting my revenge.” Pulling the trigger, the bullet pierced through the trap, creating a hole in the upper right corner of the circle. “I’m going to kill everyone who’s ever worked for that monster.”

-

-

-

To be continued.

[hecallsmehischild]

Recent Media Consumed

Books

The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien. About ten or fifteen years ago, I tried to read this and was totally overwhelmed by it. I kept it around, hoping maybe someday I might be able to read it. I finally have, and here are my impressions: WHY SO MANY NAMES. WHY YOU HAVE TO NAME EVERYBODY, AND EVERY TRIBE OF PEOPLES, AND EVERY INANIMATE OBJECT, AND EVERY LANDSCAPE FEATURE. WHY. *ahem* So. I have a general comprehension of the events of The Silmarillion, but I dealt with it by doing what you do for an impressionist painting. I (mentally) stepped way back and let all the names flow by me, and if there were names that were repeated a lot, then I mentally attached appropriate plot points and character details to those names so I could track with who they were and what they were doing. And, actually, I found myself able to hang on and enjoy the book for the most part. This is going to lead into a re-reading of the Lord of the Rings books, since I haven’t read those in about as long…

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien. I haven’t read some of these books since pre-teen years, with one required re-read of The Two Towers in high school (i.e. it’s been many an age since I’ve read these and my memory of the stories has been far more heavily influenced by the movies). In re-reading the first book, I was struck by the extreme tone shift for the Elves and Dwarves. Elves seem much closer to happy, mischievous fairies than these ethereal, solemn pillars of elegance and grace the movies show them to be. And Dwarves are far more bumbling and craftsmanlike than the movies show. Aside from that, The Hobbit was a pretty solid adaptation from the book, and the book also reminded me that this story was the first time I experienced “NO, MAIN CHARACTERS DON’T DIE, HOW DARE YOU,” and probably was the first book to make me cry. I must have been 8 or 10 years old. I FORGOT HOW MUCH THIS STORY INFLUENCED ME.

A Conflict of Visions by Thomas Sowell. I have a longer-than-usual list of things to say about this book. First is that it was just that level of difficult that I was struggling to understand while reading it (on Audible), but I think I got it. Sowell has several base concepts that I see repeated throughout his books, though he does like to dedicate whole books to specific aspects of the same topic. He is pretty damn thorough that way. So, for example, I would put this book in the middle of a three-book spectrum of similar concepts: Intellectuals and Society (most concrete and easiest to read), A Conflict of Visions (next-level abstraction, a little difficult to read), Knowledge and Decisions (root abstract concept, very difficult, I have not been able to get past chapter 2). The second thing I have to say is about a couple interesting concepts it proposes. Its whole point is to help readers understand the roots of two ways of seeing the world that come into severe conflict politically, and he calls them by their root titles: the constrained and the unconstrained visions. He traces the path of each back through the intellectuals that most spoke of them (tending to contrast Adam Smith with William Godwin and Condorcet). Though he leans heavily toward the constrained vision (based on reading his other works) he does his best to make this book an academic study of both, with both of the visions' strengths and flaws and reasoning and internal consistencies fairly laid out. In doing so, he helped me understand a few things that make this situation really difficult for people on opposing sides to communicate. One of them is that root words and concepts literally mean different things to different people. I had some vague notion of this before, but he laid out three examples in detail: Equality, Power, and Justice. It was kind of astounding to see just how differently these three words can be defined. It makes me think that arguing about any specific issues rooted in these concepts is fruitless until first an understanding has been reached on terms, because otherwise two parties are endlessly talking past each other. Another really interesting idea he brought up is the existence of “hybrid visions” and he named both Marxism and Fascism as hybrid visions. This was especially fascinating to me because I have seen the accusation of “Nazi” flung around ad nauseam and I wondered how it was that both sides were able to fling it at each other so readily. Well, it’s because Fascism is actually a hybrid vision, so both sides have a grain of truth but miss the whole on that particular point. In any case, this was a little difficult to read but had some fascinating information. For people who are wondering what on earth this gap is between political visions, how on earth to bridge the gap, or why the gap even exists in the first place, this is a really informative piece.

Movies

The Hobbit & Fellowship trilogies (movies). I mean, it’s definitely not my first watch, not even my second. But I went through it with Sergey this time and that means the run-time is double because we pause to talk and discuss details. This watch came about partly due to Sergey’s contention that Gandalf’s reputation far outstrips his actual powers, so we ended up noting down every instance of Gandalf’s power to see if that was true. Conclusion: Gandalf is actually a decently powerful wizard, but tends to use the truly kickass powers in less-than-dire circumstances. That aside, this movie series was always a favorite for me. I rated The Hobbit trilogy lower the first time I saw it but, frankly, all together the six movies are fantastic and a great way to sink deep into lore-heavy fantasy for a while. And I’m catching way more easter-egg type details after having read the Silmarillion so it’s even more enjoyable. (finally, after about a week of binge-watching) I forgot how much this story impacted me. I forgot how wrenchingly bittersweet the ending is. I forgot how much of a mark that reading and watching this story left on my writing.

Upside-Down Magic. Effects were good. Actors were clearly having fun and enjoying everything. Story didn’t make enough sense for my taste, but it was a decent way to kill flight time.

Wish Dragon. So, yes, it’s basically an Aladdin rewrite, but it’s genuinely a cheesy good fluff fest that made me grin a whole lot.

Plays

Esther (Sight and Sound Theatres). < background info > This is my third time to this theatre. There are only two of these in existence and they only run productions of stories out of the Bible. The first time I went I saw a production of Noah, the second time I saw a production of Jesus. My middle sister has moved all the way out to Lancaster, PA in hopes of working at this theatre. My husband and I came out to visit her. < /background info > So. Esther. They really pulled out all the stops on the costumes and set. I mean, REALLY pulled out all the stops. And the three-quarters wrap-around stage is used to great effect. I tend to have a general problem of not understanding all the words in the songs, but I understood enough. I highly recommend sitting close to the front for immersive experiences. This theatre puts on incredible productions and if you ever, ever, EVER have the opportunity to go, take it. Even if you think it's nothing but a bunch of fairy tales, STILL GO. I doubt you'll ever see a fairy tale produced on another stage with equal dedication to immersion.

Shows

The Mandalorian (first two seasons). Well. This was pretty thoroughly enjoyable. It felt very Star-Wars, and I’d kind of given up after recent movies. Felt like it slipped into some preaching toward the end? Not sure, I could be overly sensitive about it, but I enjoyed this a lot (though I did need to turn to my housemate and ask where the flip in the timeline we were because I did NOT realize that the little green kid IS NOT ACTUALLY Yoda).

Games

Portal & Portal 2. Portal is probably the first video game I ever tried to play, back when I had no idea what I was doing. Back then, I attempted to play it on my not-for-gaming Mac laptop. Using my trackpad. Once the jumping-for-extra-velocity mechanic came into play, I just about lost my mind trying to do this with a trackpad and gave up. Later I returned to the game and played it with my then-boyfriend on a proper gaming computer. Now, after having played several games and gotten better at "reading the language" of video games, I decided I wanted to see if I could beat the Portal games by myself. Guess what. I BEAT 'EM. Yes, I remembered most of the puzzles in Portal so that's a little bit of a cheat, but I'd say a good 2/3 of Portal 2 was new puzzles to me. It is crazy how proud I feel of myself that I could beat Portal 2, especially. Learning how to play video games at this age has really knocked down the lie, "You can't learn anything." Though I still suck at platformers and games that require precision. Since I find those types frustrating, I probably won't be playing many. Games are about enjoyment, so I'll push myself a little, but not to the point where I can't stand what I'm playing.

The Observer. I like the concept and the art but I don't think I could keep trying to play this game. It's really depressing. My in-game family members all died of illness or accident or committed suicide. I also kept getting executed by the state. In order to keep us all alive I'd have to do pretty terrible things that I have a hard enough time contemplating even in a fictional setting.

Baba Is You. Fun and interesting concept, but I got stuck pretty early on. Don't think I want to push as hard on this one.

[littleredroseonthevalley]

The Rose

Summary: Aerin is free, but at a price.

Rating:  M -  Not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16 with non-explicit suggestive adult themes, references to some violence, or coarse language.

Explicit and/or non-graphic mentions of suicide, murder, inhumane punishments and dysfunctional relationships. Reader discretion is highly advised.

Notes: So, this is messed up. Like, really. I am a bit of an Edgelady when it comes to fanfiction, I have always defended that people can enjoy what they enjoy and forget everyone else. But this, this is messed up. God, I need a psychiatrist.

Anyways, despite my clear preference towards roses, the title is because I was inspired by this song.

Love is a funny thing.

It is good, but it is bad. It heals and it hurts. It saves and it condemns. It is democratic, but a privilege.

Everyone pursues it, even, and perhaps especially, those who deny their desire to love and be loved. It seems like the very thing that keep societies together, a need to accept and be accepted in turn, to feel like you are dearly valued by someone. Be it a family member, a friend or a sexual partner.

All the races have their own way to express love. Marriage and the one true partner in a lifetime for the humans, the separation of sex and devotion for the elves, and the survivalist ritual of the orcs, they all just want to be loved by someone. Preferably forever.

My life taught me the importance of the social bonds. My family was slayed far away from their home and no-one knew them, nor they had any identifying characteristics, other than our race and the two young children that survived the attack. Kade and I.

I do not remember it very well. The first thing I remember is their burial, on a common grave. My hand gripped Kade’s, who seemed to be crying, but my eyes were dry. I think I cried too much already.

There was no way of knowing from where we came from, other than the general direction of Undermount. Since no elves passed through, there were no travelers or officials to talk to. I thank the gods every night for the kindness of the farmer that took us in, until his demise.

I depended on and was nurtured by my brother, and I knew it was the same for him. Our bond was what helped us to survive, and I protected and fought for that bond as much as I craved for another.

Perhaps it is due to my blood. Elves were known as people of loose sexual morals, what I came to learn it was due to their concepts of Kinvali e Divali, as well as the ethereal beauty of their never-fading youth, but the naturalist explanation was just as likely with my limited information.

I do not think it is, though. I would take it a step further. Perhaps it was due to my neediness and sense of abandonment. A strong presence by my side during the day and some bodily heat next to me on my bed at night seemed to silence the despair of my soul.

The fact of the matter was that I was hardly pure and inexperienced, my road had been longer and more tortuous than it perhaps should, and the wariness was apparent. I sook companionship, desperately so, and more often than not, I found it. Not with the stability I wanted, but I rarely gone by without someone to which I could use to that end since I entered puberty. Some of them, I even could see myself with them permanently, but my race or social standing often came in the way.

Then, there was him.

Him and I were alike in many aspects. He had a family, but one that ignored him on a good day, and abused him on a bad. He was as good as an orphan, forgotten and unloved, often starved and beaten, seduced by an evil and faceless force from infancy for a nefarious purpose.

I suppose I cannot excuse him completely, he eventually should know better, that he was sowing the kind of suffering that corrupted him in the first place, but perhaps there was wisdom in taking a spoonful of sugar before the bitter medicine.

He did not lie to me. I know he did not. He showed me what there was beneath the gray and barren permafrost of his corrupted face, and what I saw was enchantingly beautiful. He was handsome, if rather short and gaunt, with a sharp and excitingly witty mind, and extremely kind and empathetic.

My soul sang for him. I felt safe and seen by him, and for the two short nights we spent at Deadwood, my desires and needs were shaped in a hole that seemed that could only be filled by his presence. My heart longed to see him again, as soon as I possibly could.

Our sojourn at Undermount, so tantalizing when I first entered Deadwood, was still nice and enlightening, but my tongue was overwhelmed by the sweet honey that the tart mouthfeel of elfish society was that much more blatant. That was not my place, these were not my people, and I could only think that I would be happier in Whitetower.

I had my summer under his warmth that afternoon at the palace gardens and at the library with him, and then the night under his sheets, and I knew it was true love for me.

Then, the cold hit me and I was thrown on the harshest of winters. His face twisted in a grey frost, a clean cut was made and his brother’s life was taken, like it did not mean anything. The portal opened, he held onto the magic user and they vanished into the unknown.

I realize I was used, little more than a pawn, designed to gather the shards and protect a viable vessel for an evil force. He had used me, like he too had been used, and it really hurt me.

I had to stop him. No matter what he meant to me, no matter how it would hurt, I had to stop him with any means necessary. I could not let it move forward and let more lives to be destroyed.

So, I did just that. I captured him and killed his master.

Tonight, I go down the dungeon. To see him, to talk to him.

He was asleep, curled up at a thin cot of hay, likely trying to stave off the humid cold coming out from the stone walls and the wells of the castle. Without his disguise, his skin was gray and his aura was very dark. His constitution seemed thinner, more haunted.

It filled me with pity.

“Aerin! Wake up!” I whispered, breathily. I had bewitched the guard, but there was no need for alerting any reinforcements. “Aerin, wake up, please!”

His dark eyes shot open and he quickly rose to his feet. “Raine! What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.” I responded, downcast. “We don’t have much time.”

“What for? To gloat? To marvel at your doing?” He sneered.

I sighed. “Aerin, I am not going to apologize for stopping you. It had to be done. I am sorry, however, that I lied to you when we were at the Shadow Court.”

“I should have known better.” He mumbled, sadly. “I should have known to be stronger, to not let my sad human needs to get the best out of me. It was naïve to believe what you have told me.”

“That is not what I lied to you about it.” My eyes fill with tears. “Yes, I had no intention of joining you in the Shadow Court, and I still have none. Yet, I was sincere when I told you I would take you as you are.”

Aerin raised a doubtful eyebrow, so I placed my hands at the lock of his cell and whispered an enchantment. It opened softly for me to walk inside, before closing ominously behind my back.

Every step I moved forward, he took one backwards, until his back was pressed against the wall. Cornered, I pick up his hands and try to soothe him by caressing his fingers with mine.

“Your magic has improved.” He managed to let out.

“That was what was keeping me. Research, training and planning.” I smiled softly at him. “I love you, Aerin. With all my heart. My greatest regret is that I am twenty years too late to save you from corruption, from suffering.”

“It’s not your fault.” He finally responded. “The short time we had together was much more than I ever hoped to receive.”

Aerin kissed my tear-stained cheeks and wrapped me in his embrace. Without the stone, the smell on his skin was different. He smelled like blue moss and flowers that bloomed in the night, and that only made me cry harder.

“I am sorry, too.” I hear whispered on my ears. “I am sorry I cannot give you anything but a life of pain and suffering. I am sorry I was weak, greedy and stubborn. I am sorry I cannot be the man you love all the time.”

I break apart from his hug and face him. Wiping my tears with my left sleeve, I look him dead in the eyes and say, “I came here to free you.”

“What?” He did a double-take.

“I put you in here, I am getting you out.” I threw my satchel at him. “There is a map of the Shadow Realm in there, one that should take you through a route safe enough so you can open another portal, one to a land beyond the great desert. There is also some gold and supplies to help you on your voyage.”

“That… That is brilliant!” He smiled, genuinely happy. “I can’t believe… You are so ingenious!”

He picked me up by the waist and twirled me around, and I let myself giggle and bask on his excitedness.

Then, he laid me down and looked forlornly at me. “I can’t do magic anymore. My powers derived from the Dreadlord. With him gone, so are my powers. And you couldn’t corrupt yourself, so you can’t open a portal as well.”

“There is more than one way to enter the Shadow Realm, Aerin, and you know the price.”

“You don’t mean…”

I did not let him finish his sentence. The silver dagger reflected the moonlight as I raise it.

“No!” He screams and launches himself to stop me, but it was too late. I drove the cursed knife through my stomach.

As my cupric blue blood soaks my tunic, I lose strength on my legs. Luckily, Aerin grab me by my shoulders and supports me straight. My life force is being sucked dry to open a portal to the Shadow Realm.

Soon enough, it appears on the back of the cell and I smile. “I did it…”

“Raine! Gods!” He seemed frantic. To me, it seemed odd, as a sensation of peace was slowly taking ahold of me. “Why did you do this?!”

“I had to free you…” I verbalize with difficulty. “I couldn’t let you waste away in a dungeon… I needed to give you a chance of living…”

His eyes spill big tears. “Not like this. There was another way.”

“There would be no peace. A fugitive’s life is not worth living.” I smiled at him. He was so handsome. I felt glad to die looking at him. “If I die, if you move far away, no-one will ever touch you.”

“I want you to come with me. Please, Raine, there must be a way to heal you. Don’t die, please.”

“The blade is cursed. There is no coming back.” I whisper. “Hurry… The portal will only be open while I’m still alive… I used too much magic, it won’t remain open for long.”

Aerin looked momentarily conflicted, but picked up the satchel and headed to the portal.

“I’m sorry, Raine. I am so sorry.”

He jumps into the vortex and disappears. I feel it inside my soul he had managed to find his way to the Shadow Realm.

I am glad. I was able to help someone I love. Is it not the most we can expect of life?

Before I came down to the dungeons, I visited Deadwood for some important ingredients. Inside the bag, I left the dry moonflowers and the instructions to brew the purifying potion. I hope he takes it.

I feel my grip on consciousness slipping and the spells I casted tonight are fading away. It was the end for me.

In the winter, far beneath the bitter snows, lies the seed that, with the sun’s love, becomes the rose.

[ilovereadingandilovebreathing]

Ch-Ch-Changes

Wow that’s a cheesy title, and I only partially apologize. 

SO. This is my first Sanders Sides fic. I’m kind of excited about it, but this lil’ monster is an angsty mess, so we’ll see how it goes.

This fic is set to take place immediately after the filming of the “Making Changes” video (which I really love, so I have no idea why it had to be that one that inspired this nonsense. Also, hence the title), so Virgil is referred to as Anxiety here. I know, I hate it, too, but I’m being true to the timeline. (Edit: I JUST realized I called him “Virgil” like 12 times in this, so sorry I can’t even stick to my own author’s note.)

Summary: It’s not unusual for Anxiety to have issues with a video, but this time, things seem a little more tense than normal. As can be expected, the ever-lovable Patton swoops in and just wants to get to the bottom of what’s eating Anxiety.

Word Count: 1,855 (ish)

Pairing: Platonic Moxiety (MoralityxAnxiety)

Warnings: Angst, Self-Deprecation, Yelling, Crying, Mild cursing, Depression-like/Suicidal-like speech (ex: You’d be better off without me, kind of stuff), Mention of Spiders (please let me know if I missed any)

Also, because she was precious enough to say she’d like to be, I’m taking the lovely @ssides whose writing first inspired me to actually type this out. 

A soft knock at his door.

"Anxiety? Kiddo? You in there? Can we talk?"

The Anxious Side could detect just a hint of a tremble in Patton's tone, and knowing he'd upset the sweet Side supplied him with a painful twinge of guilt. He had been a bit dramatic when he'd stalked off after the most recent Sanders Sides video, and throwing each of the other three a glare to beat satan probably didn't make anything better. 

He'd glanced back long enough to gauge their responses: Logan typically unaltered; Roman dramatically responsive as always; Patton...plainly hurt. Like, really hurt. The Moral Side had immediately vanished with glistening eyes and hunched shoulders, and the shame of being the cause of that had haunted Anxiety all day.

"Yeah, Pat, what is it?" He kicked himself; it wasn't supposed to come out that harsh.

"Oh, uh, I just wanted to, you know, make sure...you're okay..." 

Patton sighed. 

"Anxiety, can I please come in?"

"Why?"

"I need to apologize."

"What?" 

That got Anxiety's attention. Patton couldn't even kill a fly (seriously, Thomas swatted a fly last week, and Patton gave it a full-on funeral, eulogy and all), so what on earth could Patton think he'd done that required an apology?

"I said I need to-"

"I heard you." Anxiety mumbled as he opened his bedroom door. "For what? What on earth did you do to me? If anyone should apologize, it should be that punk-faced Prince."

"Now, kiddo-" Patton cut himself off when Anxiety physically braced himself for a stern talking-to. "Sorry, no lecture right now. It's apology time. I know we put you through a lot today, buddy, and I'm really sorry about that. We shouldn't have made you so uncomfortable by changing you around so much."

The Anxious Side's eyes went wide. None of the Sides had ever apologized for what they did in a video before.

"I-I mean...it's not okay..." Anxiety stuttered out, blushing a bit. He didn't want to give Patton a hard time, but he also respected Patton too much to lie to him. Plus, he was tired of pretending that what they did didn't bother him.

"I know." Patton looked him straight in the eyes, his own glistening behind his glasses. "I was wondering, kid- Anxiety, if you could tell me why that upset you so much. Obviously, you don't have to if you don't want to, but..."

Anxiety averted his gaze, feeling his stomach fluttering uncomfortably. 

"It's okay if you don't want to, kiddo." Patton feigned a smile. "I just thought I'd ask."

As the other Side began to leave, Anxiety felt a strange sensation in his chest, a kind of aching disappointment and longing he'd never felt before.

"Patton-" Both Sides had wide eyes as Patton turned to see Anxiety's trembling fist white-knuckling the bottom of his cardigan. Patton didn't move for a full five seconds, and Anxiety felt sick. 

He'd screwed up. 

He looked too desperate. 

Only he could freak out the most loving and devoted-

Anxiety’s cheeks burned when he felt Patton's hand on top of his, the Moral Side's soft palm and fingers enclosing his with a soft, loving squeeze. Patton's gaze strayed to the interior of Anxiety's room, and the anxious side took a deep breath, turning a little too quickly to lead the other into his corner of Thomas's mind.

------------------------------

No one has ever been inside Anxiety's room before, and having such a sweet, sunshine-y presence in his dominantly dark domain was startling, to say the least. Anxiety braced for Patton to scrutinize the gloom of his room but was shocked when Patton practically squealed, "Oh my GOODness Jack and Sally!!" and ran over to the Nightmare Before Christmas posters on the wall. "These are so cool!”

"Ah-thanks?" The Anxious Side replied, setting himself cross-legged on his bed as Patton took in the full scope of his habitat, noting the wide-eyed glance Patton shot toward his thick, decorative cobwebs. He'd conjured them up himself, and he was pretty proud of them.

"Uh, say, kiddo, there's no, uh, spiders in these webs, right?"

"Of course not, Pat, I can't make living things."

"Oh, good." Patton swallowed as he lowered himself on the bed, a comfortable, if not a tad awkward, distance from the Anxious Side. "So, about the whole...changes thing."

"R-right." Anxiety swallowed, his pulse picking up speed. He hated when someone's attention was so firmly placed on him like this, but....this was Patton, after all, the least judgmental being on the planet. If anyone deserved his confidence, it was this polo-wearing, cardigan-toting ball of sunshine. "Well, it's just...." How could he articulate it without sounding....whiny? Sad? Pathetic? Pathetic. "Remember the identity video?"

"Yeah, I do." Patton replied, a question in his tone.

"That's why. The whole "hunt for the identity" thing. I'm just....I still don't feel like I'm a part of the group yet, you know? Well, of course you don't know because you were there and accepted from the beginning..." 

Anxiety peered up at Patton, surprised to meet an intent but sad gaze. 

"And I'm still not. I don't feel accepted as a real member of the Sides because I just don’t fit in to the group as happily as the rest of you. I just seem to be a pest that hangs on for dear life because I find some inkling of purpose in trying to protect Thomas, even though it makes you guys so annoyed with me. Roman, especially, gives me a hard time, and Logan’s always on my case and you...." 

He clenched his jaw, wanting to say just the right words. 

"You're more patient with me and supportive, and I appreciate it, I really do..." 

He bit his lip, willing the mounting fear to stay in check but unable to keep his voice from rising. 

"But it's not enough. I just don't see my worth in it all, you know? I don't have a solid role or place in Thomas's life that can't be filled by all of you. The fear and worry aspect could be cancelled out by Logan taking over fight-or-flight, and Roman could be more free to dream without me. And-and you could be j-just as happy as you d-damn w-well please w-without me around to bring you d-down." 

He didn't know when he started crying, but now Anxiety's body was wracked with sobs, his eye shadow spreading across his cheeks as the tears fell more steadily. He doubled over, crossing his arms, folding into himself, and holding himself as he was so used to doing, rocking himself as his emotional tremors shook the bed.

“S-so w-what’s the p-point of even h-having m-me around, y-y-you know? It’s not l-like I’m really w-wanted. I only c-cause t-trouble-”

His breath caught in his throat when he realized his weren't the only sobs filling the air; he looked past his bangs to find Patton hunched over, his head in his hands and tears moistening the sleeves of his cardigan. Anxiety had only ever seen one of the other sides cry (when Roman lost his favorite childhood stuffed animal, Mrs. Fluffybottom), and he certainly didn't expect to ever see Patton cry. He knew the Moral Side was incredibly emotional, but he always assumed that the positivity was delegated to Patton and negativity was reserved for him.

Why was Patton even crying? 

Did he feel pity for Anxiety? 

Was his story really so pathetic? 

He held himself tighter, jumping when he suddenly felt a hand on his left shin. Patton, now hiccuping through sobs, gazed at the gloomy Side not with pity, but with what seemed to be genuine concern and sorrow. Patton's entire face was contorted in pain, and Anxiety's stomach clenched at the thought of having caused the closest thing he had to a friend so much distress.

"P-Pat, I'm sorry. I shouldn't h-have said that stuff. It’s all t-too m-much. I-I-I’m t-too m-much..." He trailed off. He was so pathetic; he couldn't even look at Patton-

"Anxiety." Patton cut in, his voice suddenly hardening. "How dare you say something like that?"

Anxiety froze, the sobs catching in his throat; he'd never heard such a tone come out of Patton before. It was firm, toeing the line of anger. He braced himself for the inevitable paternal protectiveness; he shouldn't have been so mean about he others-

"H-how D-DARE YOU say s-something like that about yourself?!" 

Anxiety’s head shot up, eyes bulging and jaw clenched tight at the simultaneous anger, sadness, worry, and confusion plastered all over Patton’s features. He’d broken- 

He couldn’t even process the thought before he felt the bed shift and arms pulling him forward. Patton embraced Anxiety with all of his strength, spluttering out," N-no one c-could EVER r-replace you! D-don't you d-dare say that! You are j-just as important as Logan a-and Roman a-and me! T-Thomas NEEDS you, Anxiety! W-we need you!" Patton took a deep breath, trying to compose himself in vain. "I...never w-want to hear you....s-say something....so...h-hateful....about yourself...again! D-do you understand?"

"I-"

"Anxiety." Patton loosened his hold just enough to let Anxiety breathe easier, truly steadying his tone as he spoke softly into the Anxious Side’s ear. "You have a place, right here with the rest of us. With me, and Logan, and Roman, and Thomas. We need you, Anxiety. You are irreplaceable and so important to all of us, especially Thomas. I need you to know that. I need you to know you matter, Anxiety."

Anxiety sat for a moment, awed and limp in Patton's embrace.

“ And...I love you so much. “

He...loves me?

Before he could stop them, Anxiety's arms were wrapped around Patton's back, hanging on for dear life as the sobs overtook him once more. No one had ever shown him physical affection like this before, or any affection, really, and Anxiety couldn't deny that this was the warmest and just....the most he had ever felt since he came to be. It caused a strange burning and clenching in his chest, a yearning to be held forever, a sorrow at knowing he'd missed out on something for so long, and the mounting fear that it would be over far too soon. The last fear was unfounded, for Patton sat and held Anxiety even after the tears stopped flowing and his trembles settled, not letting go until the Anxious Side let out a long sigh and released his hold.

"I'm sorry, Pat. I'm so sorry." Anxiety held Patton's gaze. "I can't say I'll never ever feel that way again, or act out again, but....can I at least know I can count on your when I do?"

"Of course, kiddo, whatever you need whenever you need it." Patton smiled.

"Thank you, Patton."

"So...do you wanna be alone now, or?....I was thinking we could watch a movie or something to settle down a bit. Your pick!"

Anxiety searched the other's face for a minute, and then, giving him a shy smile of his own, replied, "Yeah, Pat. I'd like that a lot."

“Alrighty, then!” Patton rose, offering Anxiety a hand before preparing to transfer them to his realm. 

“Hey, Pat?” 

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“I love you, too.”

All of my Sanders Sides fanfics

[auk-blogs]

My name is Peter. I identify as the Doctor from the TV show Doctor Who (I am fictionkin). I have something very important to say, and it is time that I broke my silence. Before I begin, it is important that I disclose that I am diagnosed bipolar type 1 (severe) with psychotic features, and that I have been being treated for it since December 15th 2016. Any mistakes that I make in the following are due to the time that has passed and my faulty memory due to stress. I apologize that I do not have screenshots of any of this. I beg of you to believe me on the strength of my word alone. It is all I have.

The Gallifreyan Tradition is a cult, and the leader of that cult Cassandra Oakdown is an abusive person who personally contributed to my mental health breakdown that included but was not limited to self harm, suicidal idealization, and psychotic breaks from reality. Cassandra is a danger to the Doctor Who kin community and the Doctor Who fandom community at large.

It all began on January 25th, 2016. That's the day I made my sideblog for contemplating my newly discovered Doctor kintype separately from my main blog. I wanted to separate it from my main blog to study my feelings on my own, uninterrupted from outside influence. The Awakening process is a delicate one and I wanted to be left alone.

I made the mistake of using some tags that alerted Cassandra to my presence, likely “tenthdoctorkin” or “doctorwhokin.” She literally pounced on me within days of having made the blog, aggressively talking to me until I finally responded. As I was a lonely person who was struggling to make friends, I was elated that someone wanted to be my friend. I saw nothing wrong at first.

Nothing was wrong at first. We bonded over some shared media interests, some books we both read, some movies we both watched. I don't remember what. She told me she was a non-canon Gallifreyan of some personal import to the Doctor, having been married to his (also non-canon) cousin. I congratulated myself on having found potential canonmates so quickly and eagerly allowed myself to be enveloped into her social circle.

I became introduced to several others of import, Tau and Taurus. Tau was Cassandra's girlfriend of this life, and believes herself to be her non-canon Gallifreyan wife in a past life and the Doctor's non-canon cousin. Taurus is the non-canon son of the Doctor. There was also a Koschei (aka the Master) for a brief time. Oh, and there was Shilo, who was a TARDIS who established themselves as being my TARDIS but kept talking to other Doctors. Later on, I was also introduced to a non-canon brother named Teddy (who later renamed themselves Skyler).

Are you noticing a pattern here? All but Koschei and the TARDIS of these “canonmates” are non-canon.

It is also of import to note that Cassandra has a “soulbond” of Rassilon in her head. Now I see this as a huge warning sign, knowing my Doctor Who lore a lot better, but at first I believed her when she said that “he's a different Rassilon.” I believe that this Rassilon character is the source of a lot of trouble, and perhaps can be blamed for a lot of Cassandra's behavior. Maybe Cassandra's not so bad on her own, but was corrupted by the arguably insane Time Lord. Long story short, I don't trust the guy.

It is important to note that from the start, I had a bit of a crush on Cassandra. She is my type – brunette chin-length hair and intelligent and charismatic, and I wasn't aware that she was engaged when I first met her. In fact, within days of meeting her she admitted to having relationship troubles with Tau and asked if she should leave Tau – which makes me feel like I was being strung along with the possibility that one day me and Cassandra could be a thing. (I would never accept her now, of course, after everything she's done to me.)

Cassandra, Tau, Taurus,Shilo, and Koschei all spoke of me as their Doctor without any confirmation on my part. Remember that I was newly Awakened without any memories to confirm or deny what they were saying. I was so starved for affection and community that when they would say things that marked me as belonging to them, I didn't argue. I remember one distinct instance where Cassandra recalled an instance where her Doctor proclaimed himself “a Dance Lord” instead of a Time Lord and she phrased as “remember when you called yourself a Dance Lord instead of a Time Lord?” or something like that. There were many instances like this where my memories were subtly manipulated without me noticing.

I would like to draw particular attention to this kind of phrasing in conversation because nowhere on this hell website have I ever seen any kind of warning against it. If someone approaches you and starts saying things like, “do you remember when you did (x)” or “I remember when you (x)” unprompted excessively (without giving you room to say “no, I didn't do that”), they could be attempting to gaslight you and manipulate your memories. Please be careful!

Sometime in August or July of 2016, there was an incident. Koschei lived in Germany, and the legal drinking age is lower. Long story short, Koschei got drunk and made an appearance in the group chat. I have an alcoholic uncle and became vastly panicked when Koschei accidentally sounded exactly like my uncle. I privately messaged Koschei to tell him that I had something important to tell him when he got sober, but he picked it into a fight and in a blind panic I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him any more because I was terrified of drunk people. It split the “Gallifamily” in half. Koschei left the group chat that night.

That was the first time I attempted suicide. I was so emotionally agonized that I tied a necktie around my neck and tried to tighten it, but I chickened out. I told Tau and she freaked out.

That was the beginning of the trouble. Tau attempted to mend the rift between Koschei and I, but I continued to panic if I was in the same chat room as him. Cassandra continued to reblog from him even when I expressed that I was having panic attacks (genuine ones that left me hyperventilating and shaking in the public library) if I even saw his username on my dashboard. Eventually the Koschei incident blew over, but the group was left Koschi-less as we did not find a replacement “double.”

That was the first time that I began to suspect that Cassandra was not entirely on my side.

After that, my memory begins to get really, really shaky because of my mental illness. I do remember that it was the beginning of my nausea and that I began puking every few mornings because of my anxiety.

I suppose now is a good time to mention the Gallifreyan Tradition, since I mentioned it earlier. The Gallifreyan Tradition was sold to me as a social reconstruction of Gallifrey, a group of people who wanted to recreate the values and culture of Gallifrey here on Earth. It sounded really interesting and cool to me, as I was extremely new to the series of Doctor Who and did not know about the unpleasant lore of Gallifrey – and indeed had not recovered my own unpleasant memories of the place. At the time, the Gallifreyan Tradition just sounded like a nerdy place for a newly Awakened Doctor to call home.

I was never fully recruited to the GT. I always skirted just around the edges, and for that I am glad. But what I learned about it horrifies me now. Cassandra has absolute power over everyone else, and they call her “Lord President,” a title that even the Doctor himself in canon shunned. They hijack fandom posts to try and recruit members. They encourage their members to cyberbully – I was unfortunately part of one of those attacks, which I will elaborate on below. Other people who were deeper in the GT can probably provide more information.

As part of being recruited to the GT, Cassandra told me about the Patron Theory. She supposed that there was a person out there for each one of the old Patrons of Gallifrey. She, obviously was with Rassilon who was in her head as a Soulbond. She supposed that I was a match for a Patron who was called the Other. I was leery about the theory at first, but after a couple of “supernatural” signs (I found a burned piece of paper in a creek that seemed to have a cryptic message for me, and tarot cards seemed to point toward the Other, and divination through music seemed to contact the Other), I accepted her theory. Unbeknownst to me, some time after I started attempting spirit work, the GT officially abandoned the Patron Theory as a silly idea. I seem to be mocked for ever believing it seriously now although Cassandra was entirely serious when she presented it to me in the first place.

Just to note – I no longer attempt to work with the Other. If I have a spirit guide from Gallifrey, they can shove their signs and signals up their arse and go right back to that accursed, burning place.

About the cyberbulling – I am deeply, deeply shamed for what I have done. I would apologize to the ones I hurt if I could remember their urls. I am not entirely sure any more what incited the incident except Cassandra claimed that some members of the fandom had attacked her in some way. I suggested a harmless attack back with funny memes, such as a picture of a cat flying through space spammed to their submit boxes multiple times. It was Cassandra's place as a leader to say “no, that is inappropriate.” But she did not. And I became her willing weapon in the cyberbulling incident. I take full responsibility for attacking those innocent people. If it's any consolation, I cut my attack short because the guilt overwhelmed me as I realized that they were innocent people who just enjoyed the same media as I did.

After the cyberbullying, I began to lose my trust in Cassandra, and I suspect that she began to lose her trust in me. But I wasn't sure about losing her and cutting her out of my life. She had become my closest friend. I began to neglect my in real life friendships because it felt like Cassandra was my only friend. She was only a text away, only a Tumblr message away. She was always there. We shared stories, memories, fanfiction recs, theories about reincarnation... I remember I only got interested in the television show Firefly because she was too. I can't stand to watch it now. I regret buying it because now I can't get rid of it without my mum asking awkward questions.

But Cassandra began to change. And I didn't understand why. She grew distant. She began to vanish from conversations while I was mid sentence. I felt like I was going crazy. It was more than what they claim, her going to eat and shower and take care of her needs. A decent person would at least drop a “bbs” before leaving mid sentence. I believe that her vanishing was purposefully done to manipulate me and to freak me out.

I'm sorry. This is the most painful part of the story for me to recall. And honestly I don't remember much. It's a great big blank hole in my memory.

I can only assume that Cassandra was gaslighting me and was triggering psychotic breaks with reality. I remember that I began self harming in this period – August 4th 2016 was the first day I took a blade to my arm. She encouraged me to “control your emotions” which only made me self harm more – and she knew it. And she kept saying it.

I remember that she belittled any mentioning of my own abuse at home. I remember one specific instance where I made a post where I said something along the lines of, “I feel like I can’t say I have an abusive family because it’s never escalated into physical violence,” and she commented “Some people have it so easy.” That phrase has been very damaging to me and was used as a weapon against me to make me believe that the situation I was in - am still in - was lesser and hardly important compared to Cassandra’s. Cassandra took every opportunity to make sure that I felt like I couldn’t talk about my abuse. I still feel like I can’t. Because I’ve had it so easy, you see.

I became obsessed with her, I'll admit that. I remember begging her not to leave me, and her saying “I can't keep lighting myself on fire to keep you warm.” I still don't know what she meant. I was so terrified that all the people I knew and loved were going to leave. All my life, I have been socially isolated (I have exactly one irl friend, and I've only known him for about three years), and I had recently experienced a loss of my entire social world which is not relevant to this tale. And the incident with Koschei had made me keenly aware that people could leave and not come back. All I knew is that Cassandra was leaving and I couldn't hold on to her. I was terrified.

In the end, I tried to slit my wrists. Luckily, the blade I used wasn't so sharp. I survived with nary a mark to show for it. Hell, not even the repeated cutting on my arm and thigh have left scars, which pisses me off because shouldn't I have scars from that hell?

Then I started making plans on swallowing a bottle of aspirin. Aspirin is reputedly poison to Time Lords, so I thought it would be apropos to end my life that way. It would be a nasty death, and an agonizing one. I thought it would be enough to finally apologize to Cassandra for however I had hurt her. And to end my emotional suffering.

On December 15th, 2016, I was taken to a therapy appointment where I admitted to self harm and my multiple suicide attempts and my current plans to end my life. I was admitted to a treatment facility that afternoon. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar type 1, severe, with psychotic features.

As a result of my interactions with the Gallifreyan Tradition and Cassandra Oakdown, I believe that I have PTSD. I am triggered to anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, and self-harm urges where they didn't exist before by such things as Gallifreyan writing, owls, a certain shade of red, names such as Prydon and Oakdown, and Tumblr urls that are too hecking long and have too many hyphens.

I firmly believe that the Gallifreyan Tradition is a danger to all Doctor Who fictionkin and that Cassandra Oakdown is the worst danger of the entire group.

If I may take a few more minutes of your time? Remember Shilo, that I mentioned earlier? I entered a relationship with them before I was entered into the treatment facility, a queer platonic relationship. Look it up if you don't know what it is. Shilo was a major emotional support while I was hospitalized, and I called them every single day – sometimes multiple times the same day. But after I came home, something began to change. They became distant, and eventually they blocked me on Tumblr and expected me to carry on as if nothing had happened. I had been dumped for no reason. In the end, Shilo kept dumping emotion bombs like that on me and running away and not letting us have any dialogue about our relationship. Remember how Shilo had established themselves as being my TARDIS, but kept talking to other Doctors? Totally unfair. I believe that Shilo is just as abusive as Cassandra is, just in a subtler way. Doctors, beware.

The one person I haven't brought up is Skyler. Believe it or not, they're not so bad. We both realized we were being abused by the cult and escaped together. 

Thank you for reading, and thank you if you believe me.