#sigma's one piece au

[greeneyedsigma]

Garp: As usual, Garp has to save the day!

Sengoku: As usual, Sengoku has to hear about it.

**

Rosinante: Why are you wearing glasses?

Garp: Errr…reading…?

Rosinante: Reading?

Rosinante: I didn’t know you could read.

**

Sengoku: We call that a traumatic experience.

Sengoku, turning to Dragon: Not a "bruh moment".

Sengoku, turning to Rosinante: Not "sadge".

Sengoku, turning to Garp: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

**

Dragon: I’ve never asked someone out. How do you even do it?

Garp: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: “Hey… how you doin’?”

Sengoku, scoffing: Oh, please.

Garp, to Sengoku: Hey, how you doin’?

Sengoku:

Sengoku: *giggles and blushes*

**

Garp: People always shoot down my ideas and I’m sick of it. Two sentences in and everyone’s always shouting “what the fuck? that’s illegal!” and “You can’t do that!”. Like, c'mon, let me talk!

**

Crocodile: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Dragon: It was autocorrect.

Crocodile: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?

Dragon: Yes.

**

Sengoku: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Dragon.

**

Dragon: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for metaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance!

[greeneyedsigma]

Ace: Sabo, if you don't shut up I'm going to throw myself out of the car.

*click*

Ace: DID YOU JUST TURN THE FUCKING CHILDRENS' LOCK ON?!

**

Sabo: Present your best argument for eating bacon.

Luffy: If animals don’t want to be eaten, then why are they made of food?

**

Sakazuki: While I'm gone, you're in charge Luffy.

Luffy: Yes!

Sakazuki, whispering to Sabo: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want her to feel bad.

Sabo: Obviously.

**

Ace, to Luffy: Please, picking locks is my specialty.

Ace: *throws a brick through the window*

Ace: Okay, let’s go.

**

Sabo: What the fuck is wrong with you??

Luffy: What? No good morning?

Sabo: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??

**

Ace: "Go hang a salami" backwards is "I'm a lasagna hog".

Crocodile: How did either of those sentences occur naturally for you to discover this?

**

Luffy, walking into Crocodile and Sakazuki’s bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.

Sakazuki: What was it about?

Crocodile: No, don’t ask her that!

Sakazuki: Why not?

Crocodile: Cause she’ll answer!

**

Sakazuki: Luffy, Ace, I love y’all and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing?

Ace, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that Luffy is sitting atop: Oh nothing much.

Luffy: I love you too :)

**

Luffy: Hello parents!

Crocodile & Sakazuki:

Luffy: You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling

[greeneyedsigma]

Luffy, deadpan, to Kid and Law: What do Pirates pay for corn?

Kid, shrugging: No clue

Law: Why would I know that?

Luffy: A buccaneer.

Kid, mildly amused: pfft

Law: *wheeze laughing*

[greeneyedsigma]

Kid: BE A BETTER PERSON!

Luffy: WHY?!

Kid: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

**

Luffy: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Kid: It was autocorrect.

Luffy: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?

Kid: Yes.

**

Kid: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.

Luffy: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.

Kid: I said within reason, Luffy. How about I murder that guy?

Luffy: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?

Kid: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

**

*Kid comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Luffy’s bedroom.*

Luffy: Babe, are you.. coming to bed?

Kid: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a girlfriend.

Kid: *Lies on the ground and falls asleep*

Luffy: ...

**

Kid: Are you trying to seduce me?

Luffy: Why, are you seducible?

**

Kid: I fell—

Luffy: From heaven?

Kid: No, I literally fell—

Luffy: In love with me the moment you saw me?

Kid: MY ARM IS BROKEN!

Luffy: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

**

Luffy: Would you rather kill Law, or—

Kid: Yes, kill them.

Luffy: I didn’t say the other thing—

Kid: I don’t need to hear it.

Law: …I’m feeling a little unsafe.

**

Law: Let’s not Luffy this into a worse situation than it already is.

Luffy: Did you just use my name as a verb?

**

Law: Dammit, Luffy, you ruined everything!

Luffy: You’re welcome.

[greeneyedsigma]

Marine! Law watching Kid and Luffy interact like he’s watching a nature documentary on the behaviours of animals, prepared to take notes and hoping to god that they’ll stick to fighting and feeding and he won’t have to witness the fuck when it happens.

[greeneyedsigma]

Law: Hey, what’s up?

Kid: The sky.

Law: No, I meant like, what are you doing?

Kid: Oh, Luffy.

Luffy: *highfives Kid* Nice!

**

Usopp: We need to distract these guys.

Luffy: Leave it to me.

Luffy: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Kid and Law: *immediately begin arguing*

**

Kid: I've met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, Law, are a fucking cactus.

**

Luffy: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

**

Luffy: Law told me to stop being immature, so I told him to get out of my fort.

**

Usopp: So when are we gonna tell her?

Zoro: Just give her a minute.

Luffy: *Pulling on a door that clearly says push.*

**

Zoro: Is Kid always like this when he loses?

Luffy: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 00XX

Kid: You bumped that table and you know it!

**

Usopp: Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute person but I'm not!

Luffy: Usopp, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday.

Usopp: It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it!

Kid: ...It was a bug.

Usopp: It was a BEETLE, and its wife is definitely worried sick, wondering where it is, and I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental because I'm not!

Luffy: ...

Kid: ...

Usopp: Stop looking at me like that!

[greeneyedsigma]

Sabo: See, the problem is, Drake, you’re playing 3D chess. I’m playing 4D.

Drake: I’m playing checkers. I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing.

**

Ace: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

**

Drake: Seriously, Sabo, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to?

Sabo: That’s not important

Drake: I DISAGREE.

**

Luffy, texting Sabo: Sabo! Help I'm being kidnapped!

Sabo: Where are you?

Luffy: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Sabo: I'll call Ace.

Ace, answering their cell: Y'ello?

Sabo: Where's Luffy? She texted me that she was being kidnapped.

Ace: Luffy? Whaddya mean, she’s right next to me-

Ace:

Ace: I'll call you back. *Hangs up*

Ace: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!

Luffy: WHO ARE YOU!?

**

Sabo: Ace, I think we have a problem.

Ace: What, the fire?

Sabo: No, the- wait, what fire?

Ace: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

**

Sabo: I'm at a loss for words!

Luffy, later: Despite being ‘at a loss for words’, Sabo yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

[greeneyedsigma]

Sengoku, at Garp's funeral: I need a moment with him. Everyone: Of course. *They leave* Sengoku, leaning over Garp′s coffin: Okay, listen here, you little shit. I know you’re not dead. Garp: Yeah, no shit.

**

Garp: Pulls a glass of water from out of nowhere Sengoku: Where did you get that? Garp: My pocket. Sengoku: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket? Garp: Skills.

**

Sengoku at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with, um, seven espresso shots. Garp, in line behind them: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine.

**

Garp: We’re having a moment, aren’t we? Sengoku: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

**

Dragon, firmly in the midst of the teenage years: Dad just insisted that Mom and I remember a code word in case we’re ever confronted by his clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we’re not sure which is the real him and which is the imposter. Dragon, firmly in the midst of the teenage years: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

**

Dragon, firmly in the midst of the teenage years: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity? Sengoku, turning to Garp: How tall are you?

**

Garp: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE! Dragon, firmly in the midst of the teenage years: *Climbing* THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!

**

Garp, texting Dragon: Text me when you’re home safely. Dragon, firmly in the midst of the teenage years: I’m home dangerously. Garp: Stop it. Dragon, firmly in the midst of the teenage years: I’m home lethally

[greeneyedsigma]

Crocodile, trying to be romantic: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Sakazuki, ever the realist: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to train.

Crocodile: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

**

Crocodile: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?

Sakazuki: I have a gun in that nightstand drawer. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

**

Kid: What's this?

Luffy, hugging Kid: Affection!

Kid: Disgusting.

Kid: ...Do it again.

**

Zoro: *looks over Usopp’s shoulder at their laptop* What the fuck?

Usopp: *slams screen shut* It’s just research! For something I’m writing about! I swear that’s it!

Zoro: Why the hell would that involve the breeding habits of frogs?

Usopp: It’s not just “frogs”, it’s the Surinam Toad. And it’s not “breeding habits”, it’s how they raise their young. This is important information my audience needs to know!

Zoro: That doesn’t change the fact this is for one line in a fanfiction.

Usopp, offendedly: You don’t know that!

Zoro: I hear no denial.

**

Sengoku: When I die I want Garp to lower me into my grave so he can let me down one last time.

**

Garp: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

**

Sengoku: *Answers phone.* Hello?

Garp: It's Garp.

Sengoku: What did he do this time?

Garp: No, it's me, Sengoku. It's actually me.

Sengoku: What did you do this time?

[greeneyedsigma]

Crocodile, talking about Sakazuki: WHAT THE FUCK I WAS ARGUING WITH HIM AND I SAID “OOH YOU WANNA KISS ME SO BAD” AND GUESS WHAT? HE DID. HE KISSED ME. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO I DO?

**

Crocodile: Buggy is a little bitch.

Sakazuki: Why?

Crocodile: Number one, she’s little. Number two, she’s a bitch.

**

Buggy: It's locked. You got a lock pick?

Mihawk: Yeah-

Sakazuki: *kicks in the door*

**

Sakazuki: ARE YOU-

Crocodile: Fucking.

Sakazuki: KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Crocodile: Fucking.

Sakazuki: IDIOT!

Mihawk: …What was that?

Crocodile: Sengoku banned Sakazuki from swearing, so I’m helping him out.

**

Mihawk: Given the circumstances, I will let you hug me for four to five seconds.

Buggy: Forty five seconds?!?

Mihawk: No! I said four TO five seconds.

Buggy, hugging Mihawk: Too late.

**

Sengoku: This can’t get any worse. Can it?

Sakazuki: Sure it can - just give me a minute.

**

Buggy: Fine! I don't give a shit!

Mihawk: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.

**

Buggy: You might not know this, Fleet Admiral, but I am a flawed person.

Sengoku: I do know that.

Garp: Literally everyone knows that.

[greeneyedsigma]

Luffy: Are you busy?

Law: Yes.

Luffy: Cool, listen to this.

**

Law: How does one turn their emotions off?

Usopp: Okay, so first go to settings.

Usopp: Oh, I’m an idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.

Law: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

**

Law: I feel like the world would be better if I'd never been born.

Kid: Aw... that's not true.

Kid: It'd be exactly the same.

Kid: You're not important.

**

Kid: I’ve been described as a ‘heartless villain’ and a 'little shit’, but I prefer… 'has alternative ways of having fun’.

**

Kid: Fun Fact! The average person will walk by 36 murderers in their lifetime.

Law: I like how this is a "fun" fact.

Usopp: It's fun because they didn't decide to murder you.

**

Usopp: Hey, what have you two been up to?

Zoro: We were helping Kid write his vows, but he kicked us out because Sanji was making inappropriate suggestions.

Sanji: How is “Luffy, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?

**

Usopp: Where’s my chair?

Kid: Luffy broke it over Law’s back while they were wrestling.

Law: Correction, Luffy was wrestling. I was eating soup.

**

Luffy: I’m the smartest, wisest person in this group.

Law: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine?

Luffy: I paid for my Mars Bar, I’m getting my Mars Bar.

**

Luffy: English is CRAZY. Oregano is both a spaghetti leaf topping and a form of paper art!

Usopp: What is this "paper art" you speak of?

Luffy: That shit where you make cranes and stuff out of folded paper!

Usopp: ... Luffy.

[greeneyedsigma]

I like the idea that Luffy tends to kiss the Straw Hats unashamedly, purely platonically.

Kisses on the cheeks, pecks on the mouths, on the foreheads. All the Straw Hats might have initially been shocked, but they got used to it fast. Luffy’s just super affectionate.

[greeneyedsigma]

Garp: Sengoku and I are no longer dating.

Sengoku: Garp, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.

**

Garp: Pros and cons of dating me.

Garp: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Garp: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

**

Sengoku: *seductively takes off glasses*

Sengoku: Wow...

Garp: *blushes* Haha... what?

Sengoku: You're really fucking blurry.

**

Garp: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.

Sengoku: That's great, Garp. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 40 fucking years.

**

Sengoku: You have to apologize to them, Garp.

Garp: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the man you fell in love with!

**

Sengoku: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Garp: Mine just says "Garp no."

Sengoku: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

**

Sengoku: Garp, no.

Garp: Garp, yes.

**

Garp: Did you miss me while I was gone?

Sengoku: You were gone?

**

Sengoku: *has tripped and fallen*

Garp: SENIOR CITIZEN DOWN, CALL LIFE-ALERT!

Sengoku: YOU’RE ONLY A YEAR YOUNGER THEN ME!

[greeneyedsigma]

*Shichibukai Edition*

Moria: Astrology is fun because I can pretend that all of my behaviours are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness.

Crocodile: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate, it’s just a fact.

**

Hancock: Crocodile, I know you love Mihawk. I mean, we all do, he’s a very nice person and I respect him immensely.

Hancock: But I think he might be a fucking idiot.

**

Mihawk: Kuma...

Kuma: Oh no, 'Kuma' in B flat.

Kuma: You're disappointed.

**

Crocodile: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

**

Moria: Don’t worry, I have a permit.

Mihawk: ...This just says “I can do what I want”.

**

Hancock: Here is my wall of inspirational people.

Kuma: Is that a picture of you?

Hancock: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

**

Doflamingo, handing a balloon to Mihawk: I have no soul. Have a good day!

Mihawk, walking off: I don't have one either.

**

Crocodile: I’m going to kill Doflamingo!

Moria, completely monotone: Oh no. Don’t.

**

Moria, to the squad: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you’re doing it all wrong.

**

Jimbei: When life gives you lemonades, make lemons! Life will be all like "whaAttT?"

Mihawk: Life lessons that schools can't teach you.

**

Kuma: How did you even get in here?

Doflamingo: Jimbei's window! Or, as I like to call it, "Doflamingo's door"!

Jimbei: I’m closing the window.

**

Doflamingo: What is wrong with you?

Moria: Loaded question. Elaborate.

[greeneyedsigma]

Imagine Marine! Law arriving on an island after fem! Luffy’s finished dealing with an enemy pirate. Not only would he get to clean up Luffy’s mess, he would probably have to fend off an excited Luffy because “We’re barely cousins, Luffy. Zero blood relation and my mom wasn’t even raised with your dad.”

Luffy, eyes ✨sparkling✨: Cousin!

[greeneyedsigma]

King, watching Katakuri sleep: Look at her.

King: I would die for her.

King: I would Kill for her.

King: Either way, what bliss.