#smug teasing shithead lance

[autisticlancemcclain]

“You’re a dumbass.”

Keith takes a moment to stick his tongue out at him. “Am not.”

“Are too,” Lance says, shaking his head fondly. “You do not think before you do things. I love you, babe, but you have zero risk assessment abilities.”

“I do so have risk assessment abilities! Right now I am assessing the risk, and I used my abilities to asses that it is so, totally worth it!”

“It’s worth it for you now, you goober. But in a few hours you’ll be singing a different tune.”

Keith shrugs, shoving another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. “That sounds like a future Keith problem.”

Lance rolls his eyes. “Seriously. You’re such a dumbass. Hunk makes you various other treats that no one is allowed to touch specifically because you can’t eat ice cream without Suffering the Consequences. And yet.”

“And yet,” Keith agrees, like the dumbass he is.

God, Lance loves his dorky boyfriend so much. He is going to have so much fun being smug when Keith is suffering later. This dating shit is great.

———

Lance is a light sleeper. Always has been. And when he was sleeping on his own, he dealt with it pretty easily with an eye mask and headphones and other such things. But sharing a bed every night means that it’s kind of difficult to wear a bunch of sleep gear without disrupting Keith, and besides, as much as being a light sleeper is kind of annoying, it does mean he’s up easier for any kind of light night…activities. So it kind of cancels out.

But right now, Lance is very happy about being a light sleeper, because he’s up the very second he hears his boyfriend mutter a low “oh, fuck” and try to extract himself from Lance’s arms and to the washroom without waking Lance up.

Lance smirks to himself. Ha. As if Keith is going to escape his mocking. Lance warned the fucker. It is high time that he rubs it in and says ‘I told you so’ as many times as he possibly can.

“Where’re y’going?” Lance mumbles, pretending to be more asleep than he is and tightening his arms around Keith’s waist.

Keith sees right through him easily. “You know exactly where I’m going, you dick. Let me go.”

“No idea what you’re talking about,” Lance says, smirking. “You’ll have to enlighten me.”

Keith sighs. He knows damn well that he is at the disadvantage here, and like hell is he going to out-stubborn Lance when he’s the one on the time limit.

Ha. Sucker.

God, Lance loves being in love. This shit is the best.

“If I admit that you were right, will you let me and my poor stomach go suffer in peace?”

“Mm. You have the call yourself the king of all dumbasses first and admit that I am correct all of the time.”

“You’re correct some of the time.”

“I can hear your stomach trying to kill itself, babe. Don’t think you’re in the position to be negotiating.”

Look. If Keith was really desperate, Lance wouldn’t be stopping him. He’s not cruel. Plus, as much as Lance is no slacker, Keith will always be able to kick his ass at hand to hand, so if he really needed to flee that quickly, he could.

But if there’s one thing Keith is, it’s a total sucker for Lance and all of Lance’s bullshit. And Lance loves taking advantage of that, because he’s a known butthead.

“I am the king of all dumbasses and you are always right,” Keith deadpans. “Now let me go, asshole.”

Lance does, smirking as Keith scrambles to their ensuite and re-burying himself in the blankets. Keith’ll be a while.

Lance is half asleep by the time Keith finally crawls back into bed. “If you listen to me more often bad things wouldn’t keep happening to you,” he mumbles as they get comfortable again.

“You are so mean to me,” Keith grouches back. But he presses a kiss to Lance’s cheek anyway.

Ha. Sucker. He’s so lucky he has Lance.