#so far bc im v unstable :)

[sincerely-us-imagines]

sorry i’ve been gone for a while. i’ve been really busy but also,, not been having the best time mentally so i’ve just kinda. stopped doing stuff.

i’m not feeling much better but i figured i could try to force myself to do the things i like to do again (writing) and maybe that would help me feel better? idk. trying to pull motivation out of thin air isn’t easy BUT i’m working on a new imagine rn so hopefully that’ll get done soon. thank you to those of you who have sent kind messages. it really means a lot <3

[collxpsedhexrt]

Matchup tingsss 🥺👉👈

just a warning i type this in a shit post format bc im too scared to talk about myself in a grammatically correct manner because i hate myself

huge note: my type is BIG w big ol shoulders and big and tall and did i mention big so yeah cuddles ok thanks bye i also updated a photo of me- bc i suck at describing my appearance

👀

👄

ok so anyways lets a gO

NOTE: i dont label my sexuality sorry idc who to swing for ion like swinging i like hugging thanks ok bye also im EXTREMELY mentally and emotionally unstable haha ok thanx 🥺😳💅

꧁𝙰𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎꧂

I am 163cm and 190lb (I am also very peculiar about knowing my exact measurements, height, and weight all the time?? Confusion???)

I am one pasty ass bitch despite being (excuse the lele pons moment) LaTiNa👁👄👁,,, I have very long warm black hair that is either wavy or borderline kinky curls no in between,,,, I have amber eyes and have FrEcKlEs everywhere but not like super intense,,, i could probably put a photo (and i will at the end-) bc idk how to describe my ugly ass morbidly obese bleached walrus headass face tbh??

Not to be an annoying basic bitch but i supposedly have an hourglass figure but im more plump so ig i have a more motherly appearance- idk tbh my body dysmorphia says i look like patrick star on my 600lb life so lets get poggers in the chat, tea?? tea sis?? who’d knock me tf up im ugly doe ahaha 👁👄👁

꧁𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢꧂

hngh i never stop apologizing- even if u knock me down multiple times ill keep going back to you and forgiving you, and thats on daddy issues

im an empath and like a lot of spiritual stuff like tarot and stuff,,, wont get too into it bc im inexperienced

GIFTED.CHILD.BURNOUT.

also bc i like gaming i can be “one of the bros” and tbh i LOVE being a semi-stereotypical jock-like gamer boy like “oHH YEASAH *crushes soda can on my head* GAMING TIME BOOOYYYYSSS” and i kinda forget im a girl sometimes bc i (gross warning) can like,,, burp wit da bois 😳👉👈,,,,

I am an INFJ-T (the T means im a shitshow!) and ion wanna get too much into my uh,,, issues w/ eating,,,, but basically lets say it causes a lot of dizziness on my end but like im still obese so its ok lol

also im like,,,,, the runt of the group like literally nobody likes me (at least thats what i tell myself aHEM-)

and also i have eXTREEEEEEEME trust issues like holy fuck nobody can catch a break

Oh shit wait i should say idk what i am in terms of sexuality literally nothing fits me ahaha but i am an afab female lady girl as far as i know bc im not currently in a safe place to explore these things, Jimbo!

also im so sorry for being messy im spacing things out so it can be an organized mess im so so sorry i love you anf thank you for taking your time to read this i love you and appreciate you!!

I am a libra sun, and a pisces moon and rising so that means im a crybaby bitch but to the third power (^3)

oh shit yeah im also a hufflepuff

basically i like to make everyone laugh and im not good with serious shit but when it comes down to it sometimes i can take on a maternal role when comforting friends but u will never get me to admit it..... wait-

꧁𝙷𝚘𝚋𝚋𝚒𝚎𝚜꧂

ART ART AND MORE ART OH MY GOD FUCK OH GOD OH FUCK SO MUCH ART- im specifically into the character design and i actually plan on going into game development in coolegg

👁👄👁👉👈

i havent sang seriously in like,,,, years tho bc my choir teacher kicked me out the choir bc my brother was having a life saving surgery the day of a performance anD I NEVER FORGOT IT KAREN. meaning ion let shit go like that bc im an insecure and emotionally broken biTCH

ok i love games- from little big planet, outlast 1/2, detroit become human, beyond two souls, TO OVERWATCH YES I LOVE YOU OVERWATCH, and aminal crossigng uwu

ok so anyways i mean yeah uh,,, i also like writing poetry sometimes and writing but im like yuri (ddlc) and cant help but be borderline pretentious with using over complicated words despite my shit grammar here lol

but yeah

i also live on a farm and i love taking care of my chickens duckies turkies andn pheasants mvmvmbm,,,, i lvoe themn,,,,fhfjdjd,,, OMG I USED TO HAVE GOATS AND GUINEA HENS BUT FUCKINGNG CORONA VIRUS MADE IT HARD TO CARE FOR THEM SO WE HAD TO SELL THEM AND HMMMMMMM ANGERY

but on another note i hav doggies and uwu!!! they v cute best dogeis ever 100/10 recommend these dogies,,,,

꧁𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚢 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜꧂

im a hermit and quarantine is just fun to me

I have a high pitched voice so my friends deemed me the god of anime voice thank u

But honestly i find my voice creepy, it’s as if my voice is ghostly and haunting. That’s in real life, but say we called on discord.... I’m loud and obnoxious but i always make people laugh, only when im on a call like that does my personality change so much.

im an amazing host tbh,,, “Hey- I have tea, coffee, coffee with foam, water, milk, juice, soda, and i could make you some food!” “Do you want some popcorn? Are you sure? Do you need a blanket? Would you like for me to turn on the humidifier?” I WILL SPOIL PPL ROTTEN WITH LOVE AFFECTION FOOD AND DRINKS GALORE

“hhnngh,,, maybe if im good enough of a host it will fill the void,,,”

oh also i have a weird accent bc im puerto rican

👁👄👁✨

UPDATE: ADDED LIKES/DISLIKES!!! and love tings

꧁𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎꧂

my love language is physical touch mainly but i can channel it through making food n stuffs uwu

I rarely if ever fall in love. but when i do, i crash hard. I become putty in the person’s hands, willing to take (metaphorical) beating after beating and insults and cruelty just for their love to be reciprocated. I become totally helpless and obsessive, memorizing their schedule and things they like. Treasuring every memory of when we can be physically close to one another, platonically or not... I become my “best self” and my performance rate drastically increases, but my mental state drastically decreases. I become horribly depressed and anxious, always making meticulously calculated movements and always showing that im willing to support them with everything.

I particularly have a thing for tall guys with big shoulders.

꧁𝙻𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜/𝙳𝚒𝚜𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜꧂

OK THIS IS UNDERRATED BUT I LOOOVE PEWDIEPIE PLEASE DONT HATE ME I JUST LOVE HIS HUMOR ANDN,,,,, 🥺👉👈

god i just- idk i have mixed feelings abt amberlynn reid bc obviously shes super hurt n stuff but shes done so much crap i just HNNGNHH,,,, ANGERY,,, but i show support sometimes but i aint ever giving her my money by subscribing

I also like (cue the angry mob) fnaf-

homestuck and harry potter r also LIFE

i dont like when ppl are egotistical unless theyre charming,,,, bc if theyre charming i 100% feed their ego.

i HATE when people do self destructive things (IM A FUCKING HYPOCRITE) like “NO- nO dont fRICKIN do that- BAD. here, let me make you some food...”

anyways heres that promised picture if this ugly mug

[heroin-antiheroine]

in other news i’ve decided to stop id-ing as a lesbian bc it was making me too confused. havin bpd is an absolute nightmare, my sense of identity is so unstable & i feel like nowadays identity is made to be this major Big Thing & i just honestly cant keep up. i have no fixed identity at all, everything changes so often. i don’t actually fancy men tho idk i only rly like guys that are so feminine they could basically be women. & i always hated being a lesbian so clearly there’s some internalised homophobia but im hoping to get therapy about it soon. i also don’t id as a woman either, nor do i id as anything at all. the only thing tangible i have is being an addict & ive kinda co-opted that into being my identity & that’s p bullshit. i felt rly lost when i was clean so that’s at least one of the many reasons i got back on. it wasn’t only that by far. i don’t like this obsessive emphasis on labels in our society, esp online. if a label fits u that’s great. it’s not the be-all & end-all of how ur treated tho, it only rly becomes that way if u present in a way so that other ppl can tell immediately that ur different. otherwise it’s v self serving, but that’s also fine if that makes u happy. it just never made me happy. so i opt out of identifying as a specific sexuality too. i know i’m definitely not straight & at least 99% into women but that’s not 100% so i’m not gonna call myself a lesbian anymore & i’m cool with that. don’t wanna screw over lesbians, don’t wanna be a lesbian anyway. i’m not queer, not nb, not trans, not cis, not straight, not gay, i opt out of everything, my identity is, in a sense, an anti-identity. not for others just for me.

[withbitterness]

HI HOWDY hello idk what i’m doing joining a new group when im literally about to enter what will surely be my busiest semester of college, but here I am! it’s been a minute since i’ve joined an rp so i’m a liiiiiil rusty, but hi! I go by jess and I’m super excited to be here!! I present you with a modified version of my bb Allison, an old muse I’ve only played once, sadly. i tried to keep it semi-short, but that didn’t happen, so I apologize in advance for the long thing under the cut. 

[ natalia dyer, twenty-three, cisfemale, she/her ] ━ hey, I just saw [ allison cooper ] walking down the streets of crownsville. they’ve lived in town for [ 1 week ], and you can catch them around town working as a [ 2nd grade elementary school teacher ]. I hear they’re known to be [ warmhearted & patient ] and [ cautious & insecure ]. if asked, they would say their aesthetic would be [ soft smiles, dipping french fries into milkshakes, filled in planners, singing karaoke at 1 in the morning, a lived in home  ]. ━ [ ooc: jess, 21, est, she/her ]

backstory (tw: alcoholism, teen pregnancy)

basically grew up in an Unstable environment for most of her childhood. had parents who were teens when they had her, and while they loved her so so much, they struggled v much to take care of her.

struggles include: father developing an addiction to alcohol, mother dropping out of school, both struggling to find decent jobs, father going in and out of jail for duis and petty theft, relationship woes bc of father’s addiction, shifting in and out of apartments and schools bc of financial woes 

but things got better! her mother went for her ged, and ended up getting a stable job as a librarian. her father, after many failed attempts, got his 1 year sober chip while she was in 7th grade, and during that time he was able to get a job from an old friend in the construction business. thanks to their steady paycheks, some help from family, and a little lottery luck, by her freshman year of high school, the family had found a small, dingy little house to live in (think: byers family home a la stranger things). 

another awesome thing that happened her freshman year of high school: she met and fell in love with marley callahan! everything was looking up for ali as high school progressed further. she joined the track team, took up hobbies in drawing and baking, got a job to help her parents out and found out she worked pretty well with children. she was even preparing to leave the small town life behind for the city with marley to settle in the big city. the move terrified her a bit, as she enjoyed how comfortable and nice her life had become since high school, but she had her best girl by her side who really wanted out, so she was gonna take the plunge and do it for her and their relationship. but then marley peaced out without a trace, and WOW was ali crushed. 

stayed in arizona after all. which was fine. went to university close to home so she could commute and keep her job. went for a degree in early childhood education, something she was good at, and something she liked to do, but perhaps not something that was her passion, per say. lost a little bit of her starry eyes and optimism for something still warm and smiley, but realistic. 

a lil bit on her passion: homegirl is actually really good at baking. like, she loves it. it’s fun, it brightens up people’s days, it brightens up her day, it’s all around a joy to do. downside? baking is not exactly Stable. like, cooking? cooking is more stable. to be a Chef is like good money if you can make it. but baking, being a Baker, that is not as stable or as easy. it’s harder to find a path for that profession, and it’s hard to get a lot of money for it. teaching, though also not lucrative, is far more stable, there’s always some form of work available, and it’s something she knows she’s good at. so. 

after graduating from college, ali continued to live at home in an effort to save up money for her own place. she got a job at the local preschool (not exactly ideal, but she was going with it), while she waited for a full-time position to open up in her town’s elementary school (why not apply to the tons of schools in neighboring towns with positions? girl went for stability then refused something bc she had her eyes on a Certain Position bc she’s stubborn like that idk what to tell you). her aunt, not liking how rooted allison was for a 23 year old, thought a shake up of some sort would be good for ali. so when a position opened up at crownsville’s local elementary, she sent in allison’s resume.

a little bit on her aunt (father’s older sister): she’s had a constant presence in ali’s life.  though she lived in crownsville, she made sure to stay in contact with her brother, and as a result, was very aware of ali’s family's longtime struggles. financially well off (partly due to her profession as an orthodontist, partly due to the payoff from her divorce settlement from her wealthy ex), she paid for a plane ticket nearly every summer so allison could spend the summer in georgia with her her - an act to both spend time with her niece and lessen the load on her relatives. that help from family mentioned earlier? came from her once she saw her brother hit the 1 year mark and the fam make actual strides towards a better life - then she was able to trust her brother with money. though more no-nonsense and harder around the edges than her father, allison’s aunt loved ali, and tended to look out for her to the best of her ability while allison was growing up.

though initially reluctant (she wanted to stay near her parents), allison ended up accepting the position as a second grade teacher in crownsville with the encouragement of her fam. just moved into town following christmas. 

a little on personality: Girl Next Door(tm) ---- {pinterest}

doesn’t think she is naive anymore cause like, she’s Grown, okay? once upon a time there may have been a time where she’d kiss you if you ertr nice to her, but now you’ve gotta be like, super nice on a regular basis to get a kiss. 

Mom Friend babe. if you appear to be in distress in front of her, she will do her best to help you. it’s a given. crying over an ex? she’ll give you a lollipop or candy treat she probs has on her for the kiddos. struggling with moving? hi, she’s here to give you a hand if she’s got the time, no matter her weak limbs (her legs are her strong suit okay she did TRACK that required no weights its not her fault her arms are like string beans). drunk off your ass, you complete stranger you? here, she’s got a perfectly doable couch. some may say it’s Too Trusting of a move to let a stranger in your house, but ali would say ha! jokes on them bc she has almost nothing of True monetary value, so what are they gonna take? her knick knacks? her throw pillows? her disney dvd collection? (if someone did take that she’d actually be p upset tbh they make her feel good and are v handy with her job)

if you’re mean to her she will just keep being nice to you until you stop being mean to her okay she’s stubborn and likes games she’ll keep it up forever until she gets you to drop the attitude my dude (Kill Them With Kindness mentality). she’s a persistent little fucker like that. but if you’re really mean to her then she might really just leave you alone and that’s really not fun for anybody i mean, this girl rarely gives up on people. she’s never dumped anybody before, she’s never willing dropped a friend, she’s annoying and sticks around and like, if she decides to leave you then really that says smth about you yknow?

can seem innocent, but like, not? like, okay so she’s positive, and she likes to bake and sing along to the radio and wear dresses, but she knows how to have a good time too, okay? game board parties? she’s all over that. she’s not a big drinker, but she’s been tipsy before, she’s been drunk (maybe twice). she likes to dance, she likes karaoke, she likes stargazing, she can spend a weekend night out at 3am doing whatever random adventure a friend is dragging her too. she may not be the one instigating the adventures, but she’s down for the ride, both to have fun and make sure whatever shit her friend’s up to, there’s someone there to look out for them and be the Designated Driver if need be. 

also she may seem like a submissive little bottom, but um okay, that’s mostly the case, but not always! girl’s got a backbone to her, and she’s Not a totally naive, clueless little pushover that can be walked all over. she’s stronger than one may think. and has been known to top on a few occasions, but that’s between her and her partners. 

was rooted in her life in arizona, mainly because the only thing stable about her home while she grew up was the fact that her parents remained together (barely), and that she spent the summers with her aunt. things were finally stable when she was older and she liked that. she had planned to stay home, partly because she loved her family and wanted to stay close, partly because she’s scared what her absence will do to the household. this permanent move is the biggest change she’s ever done, and even though she’s been to crownsville all her life, she’s kinda nervous about the move. 

cautious. practical. doesn’t like instability very much. she likes to know where her money’s coming from, know what her next move is going to be on the grand scheme of things. while she can be loose and fun with how she may spend a weekend (not weekday) night, she’s not loose when it comes to her livelihood. can unintentionally come off as holier than thou over time, and a stick in the mud. not big on the risk taking.  

some media characters for inspiration: jessica day, tori vega, riley matthews, rory gilmore, tracy mcconnell, jonathan byers, marley rose, vasilisa dragomir, stephanie smothers, christy plunkett, lara jean song covey

and if it helps, in order to get her muse going, I was listening to “sunflower” by post malone and swae lee basically on repeat the whole time i was making this page and writing this. and during the short amount of time I wasn’t listening to that, I was listening to “imagine” by ariana grande, so. do with that what you will

PLOTSSSS or a couple ideas I had and would love to have if you’re up for it

summer friends - girl’s been coming here almost every summer till high school so friends she’s made while in crownsville would be groovy, and would def be the people she goes to first when coming to town bc she’s looking for familiarity. she hasn’t visited since high school, so it’s been a few years. maybe that distance can play a role in their relationship as well!

neighbors - neighbor plots are so much fun. she’s moving into an apartment complex, probably not a very good one bc she doesn’t have a lot to spend. she’s very neighborly, probably put baked treats in the lobby for people to eat if she didn’t go door by door to people on her floor to give treats to while introducing herself. she’s used to small homes, and likes to make even the most run down places feel as homey as possible, so she’s v much the type to invite her neighbors to a movie night or game nights or tag along events into town. maybe she can become good friends with some of her neighbors! or perhaps a minor nuisance. 

jade to her tori - because tori vega is one of my big inspos for ali, I’ve been looking at a lot of victorious stuff and WOW the jori feels were real. idc if it’s platonic or romantic jori, I really just need a jori like relationship in my life. ali needs a jade. a dark, sarcastic, mean person who refuses to call ali a friend even though she totally is. if this connection was a girl, that’d be cool, but i’m also really open to any gender for this one. can be something new that we start right out of the gate, or this can be a relationship that already exists due to ali’s time in town in the past during the summers. 

coworkers - basically any other teacher or school staff. doesn’t have to be another elementary school staff, but also middle and high school staff are welcome. ali likes her job, she likes helping kids. it’s not her passion, but she finds kids to be adorable, and she’s good at teaching them. she’s a second grade teacher now, but she’s really new to the job. so this can be open for mentors, friends, venting buddies, and the like. 

romance/crushes - so my bisexual bb’s only bee in love once (tragedy considering she loves being in love), and she’s only been in a handful of relationships. since she stopped visiting after high school, she never developed any romantic relationships with anyone in town during her summer visits, so anything in this category would have to be new. she used to be really starry eyed when it came to love and relationships, v ted mosby-esque, but after getting her heart broken by marley, a healthy dose of realism has invaded her outlook on romance. she’s still optimistic, but she’s not as easily swept off her feet. she’s a bit more cautious, a bit more wary, though still very much looking for love and is not shy from entering into another relationship. crushes, infatuations, small flings, blind dates, tinder dates, relationships - all of that is very much wanted on this end babes. 

and more! really I’m open to lots more. best friends, enemies, mommy friends she made bc of teaching, baking buddies, people she lets sleep on her couch when they get too hammered, stargazing connects, childhood friends, fall out relationships, wild friends to push her out of her comfort zone, literally anything - i’m open to it all and I really really want to plot with you guys! so if you like any of these, or if you want to brainstorm and come up with our own plots, please feel free to hmu, or comment on this or like this or smth and I’ll hit you up!

[blu3yes]

[ ooc ] and on todays episode of me and ash screaming abt stuff on discord, my kaibas dimension is fucked

no screenshots this time bc im dumb and gay, just a rundown

- Kaiba’s dimension is the “runt” - It’s very unstable, very weak - Ash suggested it has no counter and that dont make sense to me bc i understand nothing abt dsod but it might make sense to someone so im including it here - the plana arent there bc i hate them. and bc i dont understand how they work. bc they’re stupid.  - Its very far down on the weird lil dimension totem pole and tends to get smacked w/ the dusty remains of dying dimensions, which are generally the source of the anomalies that occur in his universe - Kaiba broke the dimension’s ‘fabric’ not bc his prototype dds was that strong but bc the dimension is Just That Weak  - the dimension being weak also plays a part in why my Kaiba’s dimensional magic is so unpredictable and unstable  - it tries to compensate for this by yanking in anything it can get its metaphorical dimensional hands on ( why Ash’s Ryou wound up in that dimension )

Also heres some FacToids abt kaibas dimensional magic or. rather. its effects.

- His entire sickness is bc of his dimensional magic - His magic is drawn from the universe hes in and obv. because hes in a v unstable universe his magic is v unstable - Bc of that his magic tends to randomly half-activate and the effect ( of being both half in that dimension and half in li k e. a glitching ‘ok we’re gonna dimension hop now. ok we’re gonna dimension hop now. ok we’re gonna dimension hop no-’ cycle ) is Bleeding and Dissociation ( specifically nosebleeds, internal bleeding, and. dissociation/derealization/depersonalization, whatever other de-/di- word you wanna use ) (( essentially his body just flings itself into meltdown mode )) ((( this can also just occur from dimension hopping as well but usually to a slightly lesser extent )))  - Bc I said he got his illness from his mom I guess Mom Kaiba was also a dimensional traveler/someone w/ dimensional magic

[parkjmini]

Precarious // 6

mafia!bts: park jimin precarious: adj. dangerously insecure or unstable Psychotic, that’s how he viewed himself. He was a precise hitman who never made a mistake, until now. Set on an all kill mission, he brings back more than just blood stains. word count: 1057 warnings: explicit language, violence

[ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] 6 [ 7 ]

I will be updating less frequently bc school is starting again and I know i will not have time to update )): im sorry, but i am tremendously happy for all the love and support for my stories so far <33 thank you all so much !!!

Jimin ignored you the first couple of days when you were back. He was obviously upset with you for causing such a mess. 

“You had one job.” He yelled sternly at you. He was right. You couldn’t even complete a simple task. You deserved it, and let him fume out his anger. 

Your scars were healing with the regular, proper cleaning. Jin helped you bandage them up because Jimin wouldn’t respond when you would call for him. Besides Jimin, you didn’t really talk to anyone in the mansion. 

Namjoon was almost always in his work room. He only left for food and sleep. J-Hope and Suga were busy with drug trade, so they were out most of them time. V and Jin were busy making the drugs and separating them into different packaging. Jungkook flat out hated you and avoided any alone time with you at all cost. You ended up feeling very lonely and isolated. 

You didn’t fit in and even if you tried to, you would screw things up. Empty days led to a vast exploration of thoughts. You often would think about your brother and your mother. Thoughts of Yugyeom and where he ended up would sporadically arise. Questions to why you were still even alive would always pop up. 

You wondered everyday why Jimin or anyone else hasn’t gotten rid of you yet. You were an extra waste of space. You contributed nothing to the team all the while eating their food and using their necessities. Things wouldn’t change around the house and it was an easy task to kill you. You just never understood what went on in their heads.

Jimin needed to be mad at you. You were unable to complete the given task, so you should be punished for it. However, ignoring you only made him want to talk to you more. There was a constant itch to speak to you. He wished to talk to you forever, to hear your voice.

He didn’t know how much longer he could fake his disappointment. Every time he heard his name roll off of your tongue, he had to fight the urge to respond. Ignoring you also meant avoiding you. He would have to walk away when you entered the room or go to bed after or before you. It ate him alive.

He craved to be around you. At night, when your eyes would be close, he’d admire you in your sleep because he missed seeing your face. He wanted to reach out and brush the loose strands away or caress your soft skin. 

Jimin hated how you made him feel, but accepted it. Being away from you hurt more than feeling. Losing you scared him more than his sweet emotions. He stopped trying to put out the embers and let the spark grow into a beautiful fire of passion. He lost the desire to shred it into pieces. He indulged in the life that filled his empty soul and the warmth that defrosted his cold heart. 

He felt weak to you though. You had the ability to see right through him if you merely looked harder. His heart was in your hands and you were able to destroy him in an instant. You’d never know though, because that’s the one thing that Jimin didn’t allow. He refused to show how you made him feel, afraid that you wouldn’t reciprocate the same feelings and you’d end him forever. 

“Are you done being upset, Jimin?” You asked in a small voice. It had been a total of 12 days that he hasn’t spoken a word to you. He peered up at the sound of his name, but continued to draw back the bed sheets. Frankly, you were fed up with him ignoring you and wanted human interaction. 

You sighed. Unlike previously, Jimin wore pants to bed now. It surprised you the first night you saw it, but felt good knowing he cared enough for your comfort. You decided to crank it up a notch and cleared your throat. Whenever you tried to convince your brother to do something for you, you’d use a cute, whiny voice to budge him. It was absolutely cringe worthy, but it worked most of the times.

“Are you done being upset, Jimin?” You asked again, except with a cuter tone and a prominent pout to finish it off. Jimin blinked at you, unsure if he had heard you correctly. He stared at your pouting face and refrained from cuddling the life out of you. Instead, he nodded and covered himself with the blanket. 

“I’m going to take you somewhere, tomorrow.” Jimin said before clicking off the light. “I’ll wake you up.”

“Where are we going?” Once you were able to talk to him, you had so much to say. Your curiosity reminded him of a child, always filled with wonder.

He laughed, a harmonious tune. “Don’t worry. I think you’d like it.” 

“How do you know what I like?” 

“I actually don’t. Tell me, what do you like?” He faced you and his eyelids fell halfway over his eyes.

“I like yellow flowers, like sunflowers, because they represent happiness. My favorite foods are..” You began listing all your favorite things because you couldn’t stop the words from falling out of your mouth. 

Jimin didn’t mind though. He fell asleep soundlessly to the music of your voice. He was finally regaining a part of him he once lost. He didn’t know how you did it, but you restored tranquility in his destructive, precarious lifestyle. Maybe he lacked a companion or someone who didn’t talk to him about business. He thought that he’d be blinded forever by the blood of enemies and always thirst for kill, but your purity slowly pulled him out of the dark abyss. 

He knew he was a maniac with unstable thoughts. He kills people for a living. Perhaps because he’d seen so much evil in the world that you seem to be the only good thing in his life. He promised himself he’d treasure you. He’d try his hardest to control his psychotic lash outs and insecurities for you. He wanted to be the better him, so he no longer could see the fear in your eyes every time he exploded. 

In any simple, cliche way, you made him feel whole. You made him feel alive.

[you-suck-bowers]

hola chica! fr the bowers gang ship thing: i'm 5'8, dark blonde, bangs, blue grey eyes, always pale (i blame being irish). im kinda mentally unstable rn bc of stress n family but usually i do theatre, im into art but not v good at it, spanish lang.&culture is a big part of my life just bc of school (i plan on incorporating it into whatever i'll major in), i play lax, n im very academically focused, so i can get scholarships for colleges V FAR AWAY from my pernicious hometown lmao ok ¡gracias!

Hola! I got you! I hope you can find some good methods to relax! Stress sucks so bad...

And for your ship...I think Victor tbh-He can be c gentle n shit

[burntflorets]

22 april 2017

1:03am its funny how I tell others don’t smoke or drink too much when I myself have gone through more than 15 boxes of cigarettes and 20 bottles. idk I’ve lost count of everything now. maybe I’ve smoked more and drank more, but as far as I know there are 15 boxes and 20 bottles lying around on my bedroom floor. 

pathetic isn’t it.  mm I know. tell me more. 

my anxiety was at its highest yesterday. my migraine was at its worst yesterday. they don’t seem like they are going to leave anytime.  I think I’ve eaten more than 8 pills today. I think thats more than what I should be taking in a day. but it doesn’t take the pain away. I still feel like shit. my head’s still spinning. I’m still nauseous. my anxiety is still here. 

I’ve run out of cigarettes and alcohol. I’ve run out of money too. I can’t get more. I need more. I need to calm myself down. I can’t. I need a drink I need a smoke. 

im exhausted, but I can’t sleep.  my stomach hurts. I think I’ve ate too much painkillers. or maybe its bc I can’t eat anything. idk

I’m angry I’m sad I’m disappointed I’m feeling so many things at once. I can’t cope. 

I need a smoke I need a drink. but I’ve run out of everything.

one moment you don’t care, the next moment you do, then you go back to not caring again. you’re so hot and cold I honestly don’t even know what to feel anymore. I don’t know how to prepare myself for that day. 

I need to mentally prepare myself bc I think I can’t handle anymore blows. one more blow and I think I might just snap. 

I feel so on edge all the time. I feel so paranoid all the time. I feel so skittish all the time.  I can’t stay calm, I can’t stop overthinking.  even the smallest of things trigger my anxiety. stupid things like if my alarm is going to ring tmr morning. stupid things like if I’m going to be able to breathe the next second. stupid things like if I’m going to have nightmares or not. stupid things that I can’t even make sense of. stupid things that shouldn’t be filling up my mind. stupid things that keep me on edge all the time. 

I don’t know I can ever fall asleep tonight. I don’t know if I can make it through the night. the night alr feels long. I don’t have my fix of alcohol and cigarettes. 

its only 2am, and I feel like I’ve been tossing and turning for the longest time ever. its going to be a long night with my thoughts. 

I wished I was drunk. so I wouldn’t have to deal with my thoughts. I wished I was high so I wouldn’t have depressing thoughts. I wish I was fine. I wish I was ok.

I thought I found my forever person. I guess not. 

I keep thinking about the fantasy you told me. I keep making up excuses on your behalf for myself as to why you said those things.  its pathetic how I keep trying so hard and living in denial.  when its clear as day you have no intentions of staying but you’re just saying it to reassure me for the sake of it. 

my vision keeps fading to black. its scary. it happened super frequently yesterday. its happening now again. 

its like a fainting feeling, but different. idk what’s going on. it scares me.  I can’t ask my parents for help. they will probe and I don’t want them to know anything. I can’t handle the questions now. I don’t want to put myself through even more hurt by explaining. they are the last people that ill ever find help in. 

I think need help. both mentally and physically. but I’m broke. I have nothing left. maybe its my punishment. idk. maybe I deserved this. maybe I brought all these upon myself bc I didn’t know how to cope. 

4:41am I’m increasingly paranoid and restless. 

your words keep haunting me. 

7:17am It’s like choking on a LifeSaver like a firehouse burning to the ground It’s like you’re allergic to your medication Meant to make you better, but it makes you worse It’s like dying in your own living room Like a home mover following behind a hearse

I keep running circles trying to understand why the dreams I die for are now killing me And I keep running circles trying to figure out why this life is not what I thought it’d be

I wanna go back to the sweet beginnings When I was young and full of innocence I wanna go back to complete surrender of you

but I don’t think I can ever run back to you anymore. 

everything has changed. I pushed you too far away this time. you’re gone. I lost u.

9:13am i dreamt about you again. we were so happy and in love. you designed a wolf tattoo that u always wanted for me and you tattooed it onto my side yourself.

it was gorgeous. we were back to normal. the happy playful us. where we rolled around play wrestling and tickling. me lying on top of you preventing you from getting up. we were so happy. but it was alll a dream.

i woke up and cried.

it’s only been two weeks, but it felt way longer than that.

it’s funny how even after the shit you’ve done to me, even after all these, i still love you a lot. and even if i say i don’t anymore, others can see it in me.

if others can say that they still can see that i love you a lot, it means that it’s pretty obvious and it’s really true.

it’s kind of fucked up don’t you think. to think that i still love you as much as i did before. even though every time i get wrecked, i get depressed, i get hurt and all.

i don’t know if i’m fucking stupid or what, have i not woken up??

i know you don’t love me as much, i know you don’t even love me anymore. and now i’m at the losing end, but still i have the same amount of love i had for you since the start. or even more. fuck.

people always say we accept the love we think we deserve. but everyone says i deserve better. maybe i do. but i love you. and maybe i do really deserve better. but it always has been you.

last night i was tearing myself apart. i was mad at the world. i was mad at myself. i hated myself. bc i still love you even after all these. i was mad bc i knew you left, you were long gone, but i still wanted you. i still loved you.

it’s funny how i always try and come up with excuses for myself for your actions like maybe bc you didn’t have a role model when you were growing up that’s why you don’t have direction in life, or that bc of the way you were brought up, that’s why you behave this way, or that the environment that you grew up in wasn’t the best that’s why it shaped you to be the way you are. i desperately keep giving myself excuses, i keep lying to myself, desperately trying to justify my love for you.

i know it’s pointless and futile. but i just can’t stop. and it’s fucked up. it’s very fucked up.

you’re just going to cont living you like the same way as before, and if we were to get back together, it’s going to be the same shit same problems all over again.

i’m tired of it honestly, i want to be with you, but i want this time to be better. this time, i want us to be truly happy, i know fights and quarrels are inevitable, but i just want us to be better, not like how we were in the past few months. but like how we were in the beginning. able to compromise, able to give and take, able to be really happy.

but it’s all just hopes that will never come true anymore. bc you left. i can see it in the way you reply. there’s no more this time left. there’s no more us left.

2:24pm i’ve been thinking about what you said. you said “i love you and I hope somehow somewhere it all gets better, but deep down we both know that can never happen seeing how diff we are. How hard we try also there will be differences, compromising is one thing but whether in the long run it works out is another, that’s why I need this timeout, to think what’s the best path for us”

and honestly, in every relationship the two people are definitely different. bc opposites attract. And it’s the compromise that makes it a relationship. If you truly love that person, you shouldn’t even be counting the level of compromise. compromising itself shouldnt even be a problem. if you truly love someone. it’s just like you know the other person’s wrong, but you compromise and put your ego down, bc you rather lose the fight rather than losing the r/s. it doesn’t mean that you’re at fault. it’s just you treasure the r/s and the person more and would rather lose the fight instead.

compromising doesn’t mean that you have to give in to the person all of the time. it means that both of us need to give up something, not just one of us. compromising in a r/s can also be negotiating and coming to an agreement instead of just sacrificing something. it’s not always that you stop doing something or i can achieve something, but both of of us have to brainstorm ways that both of us can each achieve while also gaining another benefit for us both both.

idk the way how you see things but if you did truly love me, compromising wouldn’t be an issue. there are always ways to work around it, talking it out and coming to a mutual agreement.

but from what i see, you aren’t willing to compromise for me, you wouldn’t want to work around or thinks of new ways about what u want to do for me. much less give anything up.

i don’t even know how to explain things to you anymore. it’s really confusing the way how you think.

and it’s depressing to know that you think it’s the only way and that you don’t want to figure things out or find other ways to work around it for me. you rather give me up bc it’s the easier option.

it’s fucking selfish of you. i don’t even know if you know you’re being selfish. maybe u do. maybe you just want to be a dick. maybe you just didn’t consider my feelings at all from the start.

You knew i was unstable, you knew i have tendencies to do you shit and harm yourself, but it didnt matter to you. you just asked me to promise you. you knew it wasn’t beneficial for me. but you just wanted to stay out of any subsequent trouble and fights and think for yourself.

it’s fucking selfish of you. you always said in a r/s it takes two hands to clap. and i told you that even if you solved a problem on your side, doesn’t mean that on my side it’s solved too. i might have some loose ends that needs tying up. you yourself know that we are two very different people and we both have different methods of solving problems.

yet you didn’t want to compromise and figure out a way for us to salvage our rs TOGETHER. you just wanted a timeout which was just solving it YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN.

you didn’t want to work with me u just took the easier way out. and now you’re doing it again by telling me we aren’t going to work out bc how much we compromise it’s not going to work out. that’s fucking bullshit. that’s you not willing to work with me. that’s you being selfish again.

i don’t get why you don’t want to work with me to help us on this. i don’t get why you always want to do things on your own. i’m your fucking gf. i should be in this tgt with you to solve OUR RS problems. we’re in this tgt. are we not?

you act like you’re the only one in the rs. that’s how you portray yourself. then what’s the point of me being here. what’s the point of you calling me your girlfriend?

i want to help you. you’re not letting me in. you’re not letting me help you save us. you rather give me up than compromise.

it just kills me to see that even till now, that’s how you really are. and that you’re that stubborn and not receptive of others.

even after all these i still really want us to work out. i still see myself with a future with you. i see myself being happy with you. no doubt it’s going to take a lot of effort. but looking at the way how you see things, you just gave up.

the person who never wanted to give up on us before just stopped caring and gave up.

how much i want to try rn will not change anything considering you rather give me up than compromise. bc it’s the easier way out. bc you think that’s the only way

11:38pm i can’t do this alone. i need a drink. i need to smoke.

i've been staring at your pictures, at the photos i've taken of u, at the photos of us. i miss you a lot. i just want to see you.

[peach-loli-blog]

note to self- don't trust jordan. note to self- don't trust anyone and have a back up plan if something happens. if they continue to try to talk to you distance yourself when they become truly toxic to your health. another note: there are better people in the world and when you meet them make sure they have the following things: -how to act when you feel sad -how to make you laugh -be single [bc my friends that were ever in a relationship just,,,,, no please.] -never EVER shut me down and not make up for it [sometimes jokes go too far and i will let you know unlike //cough// someone, im not a complete faggot. i wont make you feel like a bat with no voice.] -never tell me to 'chill' [please dont i'm never actually hyper im just always nervous so it seems like im hyper but im not. i have a huge anxiety problem.] -dont make fun of my music tastes, sexuality, gender, clothes, art, or facial features. [ i wouldn't treat you like that so do me a favor and do me the same.] -DO NOT make me feel bad for my jokes. if im acting weirder from how i usually am. this is a red flag and its a warning that im probably mentally unstable and i just want your attention so i can stop freaking out without seeming desperate. -apologize properly if you did something wrong [this isn't preschool. if im your friend APOLOGIZE.] -tell me if i say something that makes you feel uncomfortable or sad pr angry. [not telling me makes me angry at you, and if you tell me i'd never do it again, tell me exactly when so i can understand you clearly from where it started and how it progressed. this is very important. //cough cough// adrien you're fucking weak- i mean what. -do not tell people info about me that you have to think twice about ask me first, even if im mostly okay with your decisions on this. - saying that you appreciate me every now an then or every day makes me feel very loved and i'll depend on you more, make sure to be very careful with me when i open up to you. or else you might hurt me badly -show me pictures of things that i really like [yes! it could be a selfie bc even if i didn't think you were that pretty when i first met you, your soul improves your looks. and i'll think you're beautiful whether you're obese or not i will think you're v cute. besides your face i like yaoi, bears, bunnies, cats, dogs /HUSKYS/, pineapple pizza, cute anime girls] -do all of these things and i will love you a lot :-) and you will be a good friend [bf/gf]