#so i don't think it's really about monogamy vs polyamory

[loyalhorror]

[stares at the ceiling] am i actually polyamorous or am i just so convinced that i have nothing to really offer anyone and couldn't possibly keep them by myself so it's safer for me to just "fill a niche" in an existing relationship and/or let people use me for sex

[twsted-kinks]

Ok so I'm not sure if the mc in your writing is in the same situation as Yuu (Isekai/transmigrated) but I am curious about how beastmen/merfolk/fae would navigate a relationship with not only a human but a human that comes from a world where people like the don't exist 😳

In my head Yuu would be eager regardless of anatomy because generally they love their partner and that's that

This kinda got away from me djsndndnd so this is more of a rant on worldbuilding headcanons more than anything else.

As a lover of speculative biology and monster fucking my time has come. Fjdjd I adore biological and/or cultural differences between people and how they learn about these differences and learn about the other so they can be inclusive of their partner. I'm not gonna talk about each character but I can talk about some headcanons I have for each... idk if species is the right word or subspecies. It seems like all can mate and have children regardless of species/subspecies, but idk if that's biology or magic or both like... I like to think biology wise they're all very similar with the different species coming from magical and evolutionary intermingling. Anyway, to some headcanons: Yuu would have so much to learn about the biological and cultural differences.

Mer Headcanons

Biologically the differences are so obvious. There's a wide variety of mers that include invertebrates which just... has to have magical origins. I could go on about marine life and how there's so many different animals that seem to be all put together under mer. Some are hermaphroditic like sea slugs, and you've got ones that change their sex over their life like clown fish. Their concept of sex and gender must be so beyond what we got here.

The environmental differences are also so major. Breathing air vs breathing water. And don't get me started on how having a verbal language under the sea seems so weird and magic is the obvious go to to explain it away but my brain just goes "sign based languages make more sense with the humanlike upper anatomy and they probably gained a verbal language from interacting with land dwelling societies." But I'm not an expert on lore djdndn.

I do know culturally there's iffiness when it comes to mer people and land dwellers. The environment is so different so infrastructure, food, history, societal ideals an expectations has to be so different. It also seems mer people going onto land is more common than the reverse. I may be wrong cause the vignettes I read are for the cards I use and I have like 1 Jade card I've maxed out.

Being in a relationship with any of the mers would just have so many biological and cultural differences and Yuu has no baseline for anything and neither do the mers cause Yuu's from a completely different world. Communication is a must which is probably gonna be difficult cause the mer mafia just... the tweels would lie because funny and Azul is willing to educate about mer stuff in general but not about himself or his family really. Dating/courtship differences just... romantic gestures from both parties would be a disaster unless people are like "I am doing this because it is a romantic gesture where I am from." Oh and just idk is monogamy or polyamory if there's a social standard or not. Well with Disney monogamy but this is my writing I get to choose. I like to think in twst monogamy and polyamory are pretty chill no matter where you are. I think for mer people polyamory is probably common but there's so many different subspecies its hard to claim a majority. Hell, asexual reproduction is probably a thing too.

Either way, it's a must to go swimming from time to time with them in their mer form and just hanging out. Ooo the cuddles. I can see all three of the mer mafia ok with staying on land but if Yuu is willing to live in the ocean with them I think they'd be happy. They'd at least have Yuu visit their family which would be cute and embarrassing. So many eel and octo hugs shsbsbs.

Anyway, I see the most struggle with these differences in a relationship would be with the mers, but plenty of communication and a willingness to learn will be very rewarding and help make a healthy relationship.

Fae Headcanons

I like to think just about all fae, at least from Briar Valley, have a what we'd call a monstrous form (cause I got a thing for monsters). I mean, big buff lady with sharp teeth and covered in scales? I get it. Sebek's dad steps out of line, and I'm taking his place.

Anyway, the biggest difference biologically is the lifespan and I see that being the biggest difficulty. That's a lot to go over in a relationship and is a very dark and very real thing that would need to be discussed. I can see relationships ending specifically because of the difference in lifespan and I can't blame them. It's a lot. Other than that there is a physical biological differences that seem more minor in their more humanlike form. But their monster form.... I mean the cuddles gotta be awesome.

There are major cultural differences too. I assume most fae don't really use technology because magic is so intrinsic in their society and they all love long lives. There is no real need to advance when things work well and new generations take so long to develop and replace the previous ones. Another thing is with Yuu specifically having no magic. In a society where magic is everywhere and is needed to do so many things like at least at NRC there seems to be alternatives by using technology here and there but Yuu is so dependent on others and this would be exasperated in Briar Valley. I can see Malleus and/or Lilia be willing to get some technology for Yuu if they decide to live in Briar Valley. I like the idea of simply introducing radio to the Valley and Yuu just running a radio station idk just a thought I like.

Anyway, there are other cultural differences like I headcanon that dating isn't really a thing for most fae and instead they go the courtship route with so many rules and procedures that Yuu knows nothing about. Someone like Lilia would understand that Yuu has no idea and would try the dating route while Silver, Sebek, and Malleus would just do things and either have Yuu accidentally accept or reject them without knowing. At least with Silver, Lilia would give fatherly advice though how useful it is is up for debate. Again, a lot of communication would be needed between parties but everyone in Diasomnia would be willing to talk about these differences and work with you to have a healthy relationship.

The biggest struggle I think would be the difference in lifespan. Silver is a human so the lifespan thing wouldn't apply to him but the cultural differences would definitely be a thing.

Beastmen Headcanons

Out of the different species, beastmen are the most similar to humans. Theres no other form (except for Jack) but there are still considerable biological differences with ears, tails, and the better senses. I can't see any real problems with biological differences arising in a human and beastmen relationship. I mean Leona, Ruggie, and Jack would probably be chill with Yuu petting them and thats really the only thing I can see ever being an issue (unwanted touching I mean).

I do like to think marking is a beastmen thing but idk if they'd explain it to you. Jack would definitely explain it but only after he realizes you don't know that's what he's doing. Ruggie and Leona either wouldn't tell you or take forever before they explain it cause they like being able to mark you freely. Hell if Yuu's with Leona or Ruggue, Jack would be the one to tell them what marking is. And Yuu marking them in return would also make them very happy.

For cultural differences there are some like... for Jack I see things being more gender neutral and monogamy is very common while Leona and Ruggie got more of a matriarchy going on and I can see polyamory being common for the hyena beastmen. Ruggie and Leona would date Yuu no matter their gender identity but they will treat Yuu a bit different socially because of how their culture is.

I see dating being more common than courtship except for Leona but that's royalty related. And again, with communication the differences will be easy to handle and mean a healthy relationship.

I can also see heats and ruts being a thing but I'll save that for a more nfsw post specifically on that in the future or something.

[readingwithgoblins]

Hi ! I saw your comment about Halsin's romance scene and polyamory. When I first bought the game, I was really interested to see how polyamory would be handled in BG3, but I was very much disappointed, a lot of the time you can't even discussed being in an open / exclusive or not  / polyamory relationship with your partner, the topic always came after you've already pursued someone else (ugh, bad).

From what I gather, Halsin is the only character whose Astarion or Shadowheart, are ok with you if you commited to him too. 

So I was wondering, since I don't have Halsin in my playthrough, what issue do you have about polyamory and his romance's scene ?

I'm not great at explaining my thoughts but here I go: So basically he makes comments about monogamy that seem to be critical of monogamous people and relationships. The writer tries to bury this under comparisons about nature (bear vs wolf, walled gardens) but the criticism is still there. I was especially put off by "relationships are for civilization", as if poly people are uncivilized or nature-loving hippies. It's such a stereotype. There are definitely poly people like that and I wonder if the writer is one of them and used Halsin as a mouthpiece. I would have also liked if Halsin could actually include Tav's current partner in the conversation more, instead of "go ask what they think". It seems very careless. There's also the fact that he invites himself to an orgy you can have later, which came off to me as very "poly people are just that horny!" It just all seemed very rushed and insensitive. I hope that makes sense.

[gloomzi]

RULES ☆

key:

italicized if it's a preference

asteriks if there is a note at the bottom with further context

what i will write :3

canon x canon, canon x reader (if you send a request and want your reader to have specific attributes, tell me, or i'll make it as neutral as possible), canon x oc for friends

readers of any gender (request specific pronouns please! neos, any pronouns, he/they, she/they, whatever floats your boat! if you give no pronouns and no indication of a gender for your reader such as f!/m!/gn!, i will default to they/them or dm you if you're off anon)

queer relationships, het relationships*, polyamory, monogamy, open relationships

dom, sub or verse readers/dom, sub or verse canon characters

most kinks are okay (including stuff like blood, impact play and weapon play) so feel free to get specific in my inbox

neurodivergent or disabled readers (if it's something i'm unfamiliar with i will do research and try my best, but please feel free to leave me pointers in your request to help me!)

oneshots, short series (think 2 or 3 parts), drabbles, headcanons

what i wont write :3

no rape (dubcon is on thin ice), drugging, abuse*, yandere, pregnancy, pedophilia, student/teacher (even if its a college student) or large age gap pairings

nsfw for underage characters

no scat/piss/emeto, no cnc

no comfort works for csa/sa, self harm or eating disorders (writing this would probably trigger me, sorry)

long x reader series

further info :3

you must be +18 to request nsfw or interact with nsfw content (you will be blocked if i catch you breaking this rule)

i wont write verbal/physical abuse between the main pairing but i wouldn't mind doing it as something the reader or the canon character have dealt with in the past (whether that be from a parent/ex partner/friend doesnt matter, you can specify in the request). if the canon character has been abused in their source material i will also include this ofc.

i wouldnt mind writing stuff like codependency or like kill for each other type shit, but there's a fine line between like. guy who kills somebody in defense of their partner bc it makes sense for the story/their character (think characters like adrian chase for example) vs making a character who doesn't rly kill people do that bc then it comes across more ooc and sometimes even yandereish...if that makes sense.

please give me an idea of what you want in a request, don't just send "character x reader" (give me a scenario or at least say like "fluff with [insert character]").

im not the fastest writer unless im really excited about a prompt, please be patient. thanks to adhd i can be a bit of a procrastinator, but if you sent a request please feel free to ask for progress updates (just give me the specifics of what you asked for so i know it's yours). depending on how busy i am irl, if i have writers block and how many requests i have, writing might go faster or slower.

i'll try to do things first come, first serve, but if somebody sends in a new idea that really excites me i might write theirs first even if yours came before theirs bc i have adhd brain and i can write things faster when i'm rly hyped about em

erm idk if anyone cares but im a self shipper so yeah perhaps fics with my f/o's will deranged (in a loving way), if you want a list of my f/o's for those concerned with stuff like sharing, here is a list of mine, i don't mind sharing tho <3 my content is aimed towards selfshippers and i wouldn't wanna exclude anyone who shares so much love for the same lil guys as me

some characters i wont write x f!reader/m!reader for, please check this list before requesting (this is not an issue with any straight/bi/other interpretations of these characters, it just has to do with my comfort level and how i interpret that character)

like i mentioned before, i have adhd and i am specifically unmedicated at the moment, which means sometimes i'll write a lot more of one fandom than the others i'm into. this does not mean you can't request a different fandom! i will always be multifandom, i will always love my past fandoms, it just might take me a bit longer to write your request.

at the end of the day i just wanna keep things fun, writing has been a hobby of mine for over a decade now, so pls try to be kind to me and i'll be kind back! if any of these rules are unclear just send me an ask and i'll try to clarify!

[polyamorousmood]

Anon from before- Yes please, if you could, elaborate. I know I have see polycule? And Triad as terms but anything else I haven't. Thank you so much in advance for the information. I haven't asked anything about it before because it is a bit like being introduced to a part of me I didn't know or recognize or whatever and honestly I've just been scared of it, kinda? Anyway, yeah...lol

I'm shure more questions will follow. Lol

I'm happy to explain! I know new stuff can be really overwhelming, so please don't hesitate to send as many asks as you need 💖 There's plenty of articles out there as well that explain things, but I don't have any on-hand I'd recommend over any others (though if any followers do, please drop them in the notes!)

I'm going to go ahead and slap on a read more cause I already know this is gonna be long [spoiler alert: I was right. What's below the cut is some definitions and information about some broad ideas of dynamics in polyamory]

First, little disclaimer that I'm not the foremost authority. These are my perceptions, and I hope to give you an overview of common understandings, but its a diverse community. I'm sure someone'll disagree with me on something.

Alright, let's make sure we have some common understanding of the terms you dropped:

Polycule: Any arrangement of multiple partners, but especially used in large or complicated situations. The name comes from "poly"+"molecule". If you recall your chemistry lessons, you should recognize that molecules come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes, so it makes sense!

Triad (also called "throuple"): Three people all dating each other.

And a few basic related terms just to avoid any confusion

Polyamory: The choice or orientation to have multiple romantic interests at a time. Oftentimes, polyamory will see itself as distinct from open relationships, swinging, and other forms of non-monogamy in that you are romantically invested in all your partners, but there is overlap.

Non-monogamy: any relationship dynamic where you are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive to a single partner or vice-versa. You'll also see "ethical non-monogamy" or "enm" for short often to emphasize this is done with consent as opposed to cheating. I'm of the opinion this is redundant, but I don't knock people for their preferred verbiage.

V or Vee: a three-person relationship where one person is dating the other two, but the other two are not dating each other.

Metamour: a partner of your partner's

Please note there are a lot of words for specific polycules (like triad and V) I'm not even going to touch on here. It gets really complicated really fast, and you can worry about those once you've got your feet wet 😂

Because the point is not, in my opinion, to pick a "shape" you want for you love life, but to have an idea of what sort of dynamic you want. Its very important, so I am once again going to tack on the disclaimer once again that you don't have to have these answers. And if you think you have an answer, but change your mind later after experimenting, that's totally okay, too. You're living your life, and life doesn't always have simple answers. Its just a little more convenient if you can describe to (potential) partners what you're looking for.

My goal is to describe some broad options so you have a better understanding of some different ways things can look. Then hopefully you can sort out what you're chill with.

These are paired as "versus" but in reality they are are spectrums. In any real relationship there will be middle ground and negotiations to be had.

Hierarchical vs. Non-hierarchical

In Hierarchical polyamory, you have one primary partner who is most important to you. They will take up more of your time, love, attention, etc than your other partner(s). For example, this may look like a man having a wife, who he lives with, plans on having children with, and consults for major life decisions, as well as a girlfriend he sees a couple times a week and loves, but never plans to progress the relationship beyond that. He will likely prioritize his wife's wishes over his girlfriend's when there are conflicts

In non-hierarchical polyamory, you don't rank partners. Different relationships are considered to be roughly/functionally equal to you. Examples of this might be a triad, where all the partners live together and make major decisions as a team, or it might be a relationship anarchy sort of thing. Relationship anarchy is by its nature hard to define, but it focuses on setting rules/understandings with individual partners based on each unique relationship.

Kitchen Table Polyamory vs Parrallel Polyamory

Predictably, kitchen table polyamory is when all involved parties can regularly "sit around a kitchen table together." Everyone knows their metamours personally, at least, and may also consider them friends or start dating them as well. This can also become what I call a "poly commune" situation where everyone ends up co-habitating or even raising children together.

Opposite of this is parallel polyamory, so named because your various relationships never "intersect." Your partners all know the others exist, but aren't expected to meet each other or interact. This might look like a married couple who have laid out rules for who and how the other person is allowed to date, but otherwise have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on other relationships, or it might look a woman who dates several other people semi-casually and will reference them to each other but just feels its easier if they don't meet (or a lot of other things. The examples I list for this whole thing could never be exhaustive.).

I've also seen references to garden-party or birthday-party polyamory, which is sort of in between the other two. The idea is, as you could probably guess, that regular interaction doesn't occur, but for big events like birthday parties, you invite multiple partners. So in our example earlier of the man with a wife and a girlfriend, the wife and the girlfriend might see each other a couple times a year, for the man's birthday and his famous [big sporting event] party.

Degree of "Openness"

What sort of limitations do you have on who you date/sleep with? For example, you may only be allowed to date within the existing polycule (this is called "polyfidelity") (triads are stereotypically depicted as being "closed" in this way). You may have a relationship anarchy situation where you're allowed to date or have sex with anyone you want no questions asked. Maybe you're in a committed relationship with a primary and they want you to check in and talk it over before dating someone new, and you have an agreement to always use condoms with anyone but your primary. Maybe you and your primary are only wanting to date together. Maybe you have a partner who is fine with you dating anyone but their friends.

Polyamory vs Open Relationship or Swinging

Basically, are you loving other people or is it sex-only. I'm not going to get into it too deep here since you're on a poly blog, but if you haven't yet, you might take some time to figure out if what you want isn't just sexual freedom in an otherwise monogamous romance.

So that's a lot, but I think its a pretty good synopsis of common ways polyamory can manifest. As mentioned before, these are all spectrums, and its likely you or your partner(s) will have their own little caveats. You can also be in multiple of these at a time! You may have one partner who doesn't want to meet your other partners, and several other partners who all like to come kick it on your couch together. I encourage you though to imagine which of these you'd be comfortable with. Some people, for example, feel very strongly that they either need to know or not know who their partner is dating. Its really important as you go through this process to sit through your feelings without judgement and to communicate clearly with all your (potential) partners. (You'll also want to be able to listen to their feelings without judgement, even when its difficult to hear, but start with yourself.)

Phew! I hope that covers it. Or covers it well enough you have some stuff to sit and think on or research independently. I know its a lot. But there are so many people who are willing to help you figure it out, myself included, so feel free to send as many questions as you have. Welcome~ 💙❤️🖤

[obscuraspace]

Positioning

I'm reading some of the more popular books about nonmonogamy/polyamory, and there's a zeal and confidence about ENM that I don't currently relate to, and I don't think the majority of people relate to, either. There's a lot more people ashamed about sexuality and their desires than there are people enthusiastically embracing them and finding a productive path forward (ENM vs. cheating). I can't decide if I'm projecting my own insecurity and shame here, though. Right now I'm picking apart my insecure attachment style as it relates to my adoption, which is obviously a painful process, and I'm wondering if that pain is clouding my perspective on my life in general. Right now, I feel inclined to write a book that's more focused on the failure of monogamy than the success of polyamory, the sadness that accompanies being disavowed of your belief in a romcom ending for your story, and figuring out a way forward as best as you can. I feel like trying and failing and trying again is more relatable than succeeding -- more people are aspiring than being aspired to.

Sophia Lucido Johnson's Many Love starts with an anecdote about polyamorous dating, but that's really about building community and mutual support. The characters are all dating, but it's about being able to rely on other people to care for you in a crisis (like your cat suddenly falling ill). Maybe the book that's more fulfilling for me to write is a book about not being alone, about building community and a safety net so that you can never be completely abandoned. The thing I care about isn't sex, it's intimate friendship and strong bonds that I have forged via sex.

One of SLJ's goals with Many Love is to "flex the possibilities of what can be meant by the word 'relationship' -- in other words, how can our friends be a part of our love lives?" (xxix) I think the blurriness is the way we solve the problems of monogamy. If the boundaries aren't as rigid, we can't maintain them, and stringent monogamy can't exist in its current form, a toxic ooze that seeps into every other relationship and eats away at intimacy with everyone beyond your primary partner.

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

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*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[elfyourmother]

2, 10, 12 for the ship meme! o:

2.Your newest ship:

Answered already but it was the OT4 of Gisele/Haurchefant/Aymeric/Estinien becoming an OT5 with Ysayle rather than just Gisele/Ysayle separate from it like I had for the longest. It just feels right and good and gives me the warm fuzzies like you wouldn't believe

10. Most smutty ship:

Probably Gisele/Haurche just because they're both so ridiculously horny on main all the time but I would really say the OT5 as a whole because they uh. Get up to A Lot fhsdkjfs

12.Character that you can only imagine in one ship:

I really don't think I could ever see a character in just one ship tbh. I'm poly and write everyone as poly, like even in fiction monogamy isn't something I really understand or can relate to, and even before I had the language or framework for polyamory I was always a multishipper and never "got" ship wars because most of the time I shipped both pairings that were pitted against each other lmao (the worst was Sailor Moon back in the day when Usagi/Mamoru vs. Usagi/Seiya was the big war and i sat quietly in the corner shipping both pairings confused about all the fighting haha)

[izzyovercoffee]

I'm sorry if you've already answered this, but what's the deal with Mandalorian society and sexuality? Would a larger portion of the population be of one sexuality than others? Would sexuality be the same as we know it since they don't recognize gender? etc

I’m sorry for the delay in answering this !! I haven’t actually answered / addressed this topic quite just yet, bc they’re both easy and difficult questions to answer, if that makes sense. 

So I’m gonna do the short/long again. 

The Short Answer to the three questions is this: Mandalorians don’t care about your sexuality inasmuch as, within mandalorian community and society, specifically, it’s not a big deal — or any deal, at all. And because there is no compulsive heteronormativity, and because mandalorians as a society have a heavy emphasis on adoption and sharing the burden of child rearing with the entire clan, the population’s sexuality should not skew in any specific way. 

If I had to guess, I would suggest that the society leans more bi/pan, if only because there’s no stigmatization to be tied in with a gender binary that doesn’t exist to them. Ideally, though, I would think that there would be equal representation of every combination, and every iteration, of relationship under the sun — so long as everyone involved are consenting fully-grown adults. 

The long answer is … it’s complicated.

The thing is … uniquely, as a society, mandalorians don’t recognize gender in the same way that we do. So, it’s safe to assume that sexuality is dependent entirely on each individual’s personal frame of attraction. Procreation via popping out babies (crude, I know but u kno) would not take such a strong focus or precedence or moral imperative because mandalorians don’t just accept adoption as an option — mandalorian society strictly enforces the legal equality of adoption.

That is, the negative attitudes surrounding adoption just don’t exist. And because they don’t exist, the societal pressures tied up in maintaining a blood line disappear. 

Our society’s understanding of sexuality is, in part, highly contingent on the framework of the gender binary and the nuclear family. I would even go so far as to suggest that a heavy skew towards a cis-centric heterosexual population is, at least in part, due to the homophobia inherent in a heteronormative society. And none of these things exist in mandalorian society.

Thus it’s hard to say if sexuality would still resemble sexuality as we know it, or if it would take a completely different definition or range, or if it would be somewhere in-between. After all, mandalorian society is not one that is wholly isolated, as it’s hard to be so when so many societies are interconnected by necessity and diplomatic allegiances across the known galaxy — and the rest of the Galaxy Far Far Away seems to have the machinations of sexism and homophobia still in place (whether or not you want to chalk that up to writers imposing their internalized sexism / homophobia on the material, knowingly or otherwise, is up to you). So even if these terms and way of thinking aren’t natural to mandalorians, that doesn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t be present at all.

That said, I’m of the opinion that the general mandalorian society may actually skew in the direction of pansexual/bisexual.

Explanation going under the cut, because this got … very long.

So. Why Pansexual? Because pansexuality is generally defined as an attraction either in spite of or without consideration to gender. The distinction of gender does not actively exist in mandalorian thought (or language) and so attraction becomes something that does not actively consider gender.

Why Bisexual? Because bisexuality is defined as an attraction to same and other genders, and the logic that follows is that all mandalorians should accept all genders, aka all genders are recognized. In a society that doesn’t stigmatize any gender, everyone has their personhood recognized (heteronormativity has no place and thus little to no influence) and thus celebrated.

Either way both bisexuality and pansexuality encompasses the full field / range that would actually, actively, exist in mandalorian society.

Pan-normativity / Bi-normativity, I guess. Lmao.

I would also suggest that the nature of a population’s sexuality (and guessing at the population percentage of x sexuality) becomes difficult to discern, because it’s heavily dependent on the population and where they’re located, and how many are adoptees — and how many of those adoptees were adopted when they were children vs. already socialized adults.

How deeply has a mandalorian diaspora or ethnic enclave’s community participated in assimilation with whatever society they find themselves in? Communities that are located in, say, Coruscant under the Empire might skew towards a heterocentric human focus due to the pressures of the surrounding environment — or they might go in the complete opposite direction and raise a vibrantly rainbow one finger salute right up the Emperor’s nose. 

It’s hard to say lmao.

TBH like … I want to backtrack a little bit to talk about the nuclear family. 

So. Family is a HUGE part of what being a mandalorian is about. Raising children is being mandalorian — but we’ve seen that the children don’t always have to be “their’s” inasmuch as a parent to a child relation. They can be nieces/nephews, cousins’ cousins, even friends’ and friends’ family’s. The focus has always been on a community raising children together, rather than any conceptualization of a nuclear family.

Frankly, nuclear families have no place in mandalorian society anyway. Any society that engages war as a supposed common export would also have a high percentage of casualties — parents never coming home, parents severely injured in the line of their profession / duty, parents away for long periods of time. In the wake of absent parents, other members of the clan/community are expected to do their share and raise the children as if they are their own — and are ultimately treated and regarded as their own.

“Why are you so focused on children and child-raising when this is a question about sexuality?” Not that I think you would necessarily ask me that, but I think it’s an important question to be answered.

How we view sexuality, how we define it, how we see it expressed, how we criminalize that expression, how we victimize and marginalize people … is all tied up in other forces and expectations our society is built on. IMO, in order to understand what sexuality is to mandalorians, it bears repeating what mando society is not and does not have.

Example: I’ve noticed that people who are homophobic view homosexuality as a deviation from a perceived moral expectation — and it is a violently enforced moral compass that is hyper-focused on a “woman’s” (ciswoman’s) capacity to bear and raise children, and only devote her life to that one role.

Because mandalorian society is completely without that expectation, the foundations that would otherwise exist to enforce marginalization completely disappear. Can’t have children? Adopt, or help raise the kids in your clan. Don’t want / want to deal with children? Offer assistance to those who have / want to assist in raising children so they are free to do so more easily.

Because mandalorian society doesn’t recognize gender roles, the framework that misogyny and transphobia is built on ceases to exist and so anyone of any presentation is not someone to then be brutalized until they return to a gender binary, bc mandalorians don’t have a gender binary. 

Because mandalorian society encourages communal raising of children, the capitalistic forces contingent on the survival of the nuclear family structure cannot be found here. There is no two parent household — everyone works and lives together, or works and lives in large groups, supporting each other.

Romance, in general, is built on an assumption of the nuclear family’s goal: two people to a household to raise children, alone. Complete co-dependency between two people for all romantic and platonic emotional and interpersonal support. You don’t need friends nor family when you have someone to share your bed — but specifically someone to share a bed and produce children with.

And tbh … because mandalorians don’t HAVE an arbitrary moral system built on a foundation of misogyny, homophobia, and capitalistic ideals of a nuclear family, I wonder if monogamy is something that would be as heavily tied with morality as it is in ours — would it really be so expected? Less so? Would polyamory be more acceptable (bc let’s face it, it’s still in unacceptable territory)? Would single-parenting also be more acceptable (bc, again, single parenting is still viewed as unacceptable, as if there’s something wrong with the parent)? 

Identifying as anything not-hetero doesn’t come with a death sentence, however oblique or immediate or realized. 

What I’m saying is this: there are inherent pressures in our society that we don’t think about that affect us on a personal level, every day. Being gay, being bi, being ace, being pan, being trans, being gender nonconforming — even if we don’t actively think about it, we know on some level that our status in our society is ostracized at some level, if not every level. The subtle ways in which society treats and regards us ultimately has an effect on us — and how we perceive others, and can affect how we structure sexuality and our sexual identities.

The absence of those pressures would lead to a radically different society and social understanding of gender and sexuality. Both on a micro level, and a macro level.

And that’s really interesting, imo. These are great questions to ask — it’s a great topic to address and to try to write about and build upon — and I have no idea if any of my answer is adequate, because of how difficult it is for me to conceptualize sexuality in a society that isn’t burdened by a heterocentric gender-conforming monogamous hegemony focused on procreation. 

God I hope I answered your questions lmao. Sorry I’m so verbose !!