me internally: I keep acting like everything is okay in front of others, and hiding my true feelings and state of mind. It's chafing on me and making me feel alone and frustrated at the lack of understanding. Maybe I should speak up and express myself more.
me: Hey, I know I act normal but in reality I am anxious and worried most of the time, and also in pain and re-living past memories and scared there won't be a future for me. I wasn't trying to hide it but I feel compulsed to act like everything is normal.
other people: stop thinking and feeling like that and be normal already. nobody wants to hear this
me: oh.
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I have the smallest crumb of a theory. But what if howdy is mean to Latter because he’s self-conscious of being the only caterpillar (and repressed) and takes it out on his brother as a consequence. Because social expectations at the time gave him an excuse to do so?
no. ok. hoo boy. Allow Me To Be Insane Over The Most Prominent Thought I've Had Since Seeing The Update (about howdy)
i will try to be as eloquent and articulate as possible. ahem:
THAT FRUITY ASS CATERPILLAR IS REPRESSED AS FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?? MY GOD. HOMEBOY HAS ISSUES STACKED ON ISSUES. GET HIM SOME THERAPY.
ok. ok ok ok. Now allow me to be articulate and eloquent
so obviously Howdy is almost certainly queer in the men-loving flavor. if i'm wrong about this my confidence will never recover. But I'm Willing To Take That Chance. so he's definitely queer, right? his.. well his everything points to it, but the final nail in the coffin are his rainbow suspenders from the group Homewarming artwork from Eddie's prolonged breakdown.
but this update i think showed us deeper into that part of him. and i take the shipping goggles off for genuine analysis, so when i say this i believe that there is Serious Evidence and seems Genuinely Plausible - if Howdy doesn't have feelings for Barnaby, i'll eat my cat.
the above is important to say because it Directly ties in to how Howdy treats Latter AND Eddie.
so. Howdy is likely gay or bi, what have you. i'm guessing gay. he obviously has feelings for Barnaby. SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS that i don't think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because of the caterpillar thing, I think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because Latter is genuine and Howdy is not.
what does this have to do with Eddie? well. look at Latter and Eddie in relation to each other. they're both... how do i say... Open. and not - not effeminate, but yes, for lack of of a better word, effeminate. just enough to make one go "huh." and Howdy treats them the same way - dismissive, apathetic, one could even say avoidant.
i wouldn't be shocked if Howdy picked up on their queerness (and if Latter isn't queer, his comfort with himself / his behavior & interests) and is on the defensive about it - likely subconsciously.
and with Latter specifically. Howdy could have also picked up on the way his other family members treat him if they're all also dismissive - as Seeya seems to be as well. i mean, it fits right in line with the time period! homophobia - internalized in Howdy's case (again, most likely). the blatant favoritism, the dismissive nature, it all adds up. even if no one outright knows, that subconscious recognition (or outright suspicion!) will do this
i mean, Latter makes me think of two things. 1) being the only queer kid in a family (especially large). 2) being a middle child. there was a third but i forgor. it felt important! it's gone now! anyway it's also Super telling comparing how Howdy treats Latter (emotional, earnest, open) to how he treats Beeya (oozing stereotypical masculinity)
tl;dr so i don't think it's really "expectations giving Howdy an excuse" as it is "subconscious / internalized homophobia causes Howdy to act the way he does"
as always, take all this with a Hefty grain of salt!
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sorry my post is just to complain but guys i literally hate adobe after effects. i can not explain to you the mental torture and how LOW it has brought my mental health because I *need* to use it for my post production class because it's "industry standard". ADOBE After Effects has made me write off the entire film and video production industry as a turn off and I never want to do it ever again.
The amount of times this has crashed on me where I lost everything? 5+ hours of work? 8+ hours of work? It's my fault for not saving sometimes but I also have auto-save on. it didn't save anything so im just left with nothing.
You want a trip to burn out town really quick? Use adobe after effects in an academic setting where you have no choice but to use this program.
I have never in my life TOUCHED a program SO TERRIBLE that it made me never want to do anything about that form of art/media EVER AGAIN
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ok the rate at which shows are being canceled after one season is becoming more and more ridiculous and excruciating to the point where they dont even give people TIME to watch the shows anymore!! i will be recommended a good show by a friend and think “ooo im excited to watch when im not super busy” and then just a month later before i even had the chance to watch it, its already canceled.
and these days whats considered a “successful show” has to surpass hundreds and hundreds of millions, sometimes over a BILLION hours streamed to be worthy of renewing but when shows get somewhere between 50 million and 100 million theyre treated like they were a complete flop even though that is STILL MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO WERE INVESTED IN THE SHOW AND WOULD WATCH FUTURE SEASONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was going to watch that show. i was so beyond excited to watch that show. it had one of my favorite actors in it and it was produced by the same creators of my favorite show of all time. but because i have responsibilities from work and school like a normal fucking adult, i couldnt make the time to watch it and now only a week after i was recommended the show, it was already canceled.
i am used to mourning stories that ive become attached to that will never be complete, but this is altogether different. you didn’t even give me a chance to meet these characters or watch this story. a story that an entire cast and crew of probably thousands of people put all their hearts and soul and TIME into and yet you gave it just a fucking month before you decided it was unworthy of pursuing. even though tens of millions of people who were lucky enough to have been available to watch it at the time thought otherwise.
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OCD will literally remove your brain's ability to register when a task is Complete and then create 10,000 incredibly ridiculous and extremely specific rules for you to follow in every single aspect of your life (to keep you safe, of course, it tells you.) and then tells you that if you don’t do them Correctly and Completely every single time it tells you to (it tells you countless times per day) then the Entire Fucking World Will End and then it’ll do this fucked up thing where it makes you believe that nonsense.
and then people that don’t have it will make silly little jokes about being soooooo OCD and make t-shirts with fun little acronyms on them like Obsessive Coffee Disorder and tell you how much they like it when things are organized and clean, too!!
and then you’re supposed to just. laugh. like you haven’t been robbed of your entire being and potential and been taken over by a mind and life altering disability
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I finally have time to put my thoughts on the latest patreon update into words so here it goes:
The hoodie situation is yet another display of how badly jrwi is managed, announcing and promising the demons hoodie without even checking the price of manufacturing is so insanely irresponsible its actually absurd. It's a mistake similar to one's they are known to have made before, like announcing the release date of wonderlust before the video is finished rendering, it's bad management to promise something before all the prep for it is done. Plain and simple. And the jrwi boys and team should know it by now. I understand the excitement that comes with releasing something and wanting to announce it, but it is your responsibility to make sure you only officially announce it after you know it will 100% be possible and have already made all the necessary preparations.
I do like that they offer a refund to all of those who signed up specifically for the hoodie, it's an offer I personally took, and I'm really happy they at least made this step to try to make things right. One criticism I have, although it's not really in their control, is that you have to reach out and message them through patreon DMs for the refund. I know it seems dumb and trivial but as someone with intense anxiety, I know it can take me a long time to be able to word and gather up the bravery to send a message, and I know how the anxiety can affect me even hours after sending it, so I would have highly appreciated it if they gave us a message we could copy and paste instead of having to write our own one, it could have also made it easier for them as they could search for that specific message to easily find everyone that wants the refund.
If any of you are like me, here is the message I ended up landing on. Feel free to copy and paste it:
" Hi! I just watched the merch update video, and due to the changes, I'd like to take you up on that refund offer. Thank you in advance :D "
It personally feels very weird to me to announce the situation with the hoodie in the same video where they announce the dice restock and new merch ideas. By doing that you are burying that information between 2 exciting announcements that people are definitely going to talk about, which I guess is a good business decision, burning your major fuckup to distract from it but it just feels shitty and manipulative to me. I believe it should have gotten its own dedicated video that shouldn't have been released on the same day as this one.
I would have also liked bizly to mention the situation with the dices font when discussing the dice restock, is it going to be the same as before ( with the 2s seemingly upside-down) or are they correcting it? I know they claimed it is a purposeful font decision, but whether it is or not, people still found it to be confusing, so is it something they are going to change with the restock or not?
For some final words:
Something in the management of jrwi needs to change asap. You are not a few friends making silly DND videos anymore, you are an incredibly successful business, and you need to start acting like one. Perhaps hire a professional, or take classes on business management, or just do the bare minimum by not announcing things before you have done all the prep. Just do better. Please. Do better.
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