#cw mental illness

[mysillyside]

Analysis of Ice King's Mental Health and consistent Self-Sabotage

(a needlessly long analysis of an episode I really didn't like as a kid but grew to respect a lot upon rewatch as an adult)

I wanted to rewatch some Ice King episodes I haven't seen in awhile, and the season 6 episode "Friends Forever" really reminded me how Ice King is such a good portrayal of a mentally ill person who unconsciously self-sabotages himself and his relationships.

Summary: The premise of the episode is Ice King inviting Life Giving Magus over for a hangout, when in actuality he is planning to trick him into bringing his furniture to life so they can be his friends.

The setup is obviously comedic: "Haha silly Ice King, you don't need to bring furniture to life so they'd be your friends, when Life Giving Magus is right there offering you friendship!"

Coincidentally, that's the tragedy of the episode and Ice King's character in general.

He already painted a convoluted picture in his head of what he thinks he needs in order to be happy, so when other possible (even easier) routes of achieving said happiness present themselves to him, he shuts them down completely. It has to be his way or no way!

Content warning: While I don't go into anything too intense, this is an analysis of self-sabotaging behavior and how it pertains to people struggling with mental health issues, and I even briefly go into my own experiences surrounding this topic. Keep that in mind if you decide to read!

I'll leave the rest of the analysis below, because it's a bit wordy. But I hope you enjoy!

Throughout the episode, we are continuously shown the same scenario. Ice King is presented with an alternate (usually more achievable) solution to a problem he's dealing with and proceeding to ignore it, as he already decided how he wants to solve it as other avenues appear too challenging. He wants simple, fast solutions, despite the fact mental health improvement is a slow journey.

Abracadaniel

Early in the episode, we find out that Ice King ended his friendship with Abracadaniel, because "he kept trying to analyze him" From previous episodes we know that this friendship made Ice King really happy, so it might be suprising of first glance to see it break off so suddenly.

But of course, it makes sense. The reason Ice King liked the friendship in the first place is because it was fun. It's nice to have friends who are able to distract you from your own saddness.

In the episode where he first befriends Abracadaniel in the season 5 episode "Play Date", Ice King explicitly states he likes spending time with Finn and Jake because it distracts him from his thoughts, hence why the duo introduces him to Abracadaniel.

And that's what the friendship probably was for awhile, the two of them having fun! But considering the fact Abracadaniel seems like a relatively normal guy (at least for a wizard), it makes sense that eventually he would pick up on the fact that something is very wrong with Ice King, and that he's dealing with some pretty intense mental health issues.

This leads him to start analyzing his behavir, which leads to Ice King getting irritatated and upset.

He wants to have fun when he's with Abracadaniel, not think about things that upset him. (Knowing Ice King, he probably thought Abracadaniel was criticizing or even attacking him.)

Life Giving Magus

This is a shorter section but still important to mention. The main irony of this episode is the fact that Life Giving Magus clearly wants befriend Ice King, but because that's not how Ice King invisioned his "get friends" plan, he ignores this way more practical/achievable solution in favor of a fantasy where everything works out just how he imagined it. Things will work out surely. The stars just gotta align. Fast and easy solutions only. What do you mean these things take time and effort?

The Furniture

So the furniture comes to life and Ice King is ecstatic. That is, until he realizes that the furniture doesn't act like how he imagined it. The once inanimate objects appear to be intellectuals that like discussing complicated smart people things and using big words Ice King doesn't understand.

After Ice King continually tries and fails to fit in, leading to him becoming frustrated and sad, the Lamp suggests an alternative solution.

Maybe Ice King can be the cool quiet guy who listens to the other people in the room and occassionally adds his input, instead of forcing himself to talk about things that are clearly beyond his scope and knowledge

Ice King of course, completely ignores this and gets upset.

He doesn't want to adapt to this situation or even compromise, this isn't what he wanted, this isn't how things were supposed to go!

So he'd rather end the whole thing.

And so the episode ends with him turning all the furniture inanimate again. Maybe its better things just stay the way they were.

Ignore the fact Life Giving Magus is once again offering him his friendship, despite everything Ice King put him through in that episode. But Ice King declines it, as he would still rather stick to what he's used to if he can't achieve his convoluted solutions to obtain happiness, than try new things. Who cares if it's practical, it's way too uncertain and challenging!

Conclusion

I think Ice King characterization is very reminiscent of a mentally ill person who clearly wants to be happy, but only in this very specific "let's not uncover the root of the issue" way.

He likes chasing manic highs of in-the-moment happiness, which leads to selfish, destructive behavior which eventually starts crashing down, culminating into long depressive episodes.

Ice King doesn't like being sad don't get me wrong, but he'd rather wallow in his own misery for weeks if it meant not having to utilize those brief occassional moments of stablity and happiness, to adress his issues and figure out how to get better in the longrun. He doesn't want to sacrifice them!

(If you want a clear real life parallel to this, have you ever had those moments where you're like: "Wow I've been feeling so much better lately, maybe I don't need to go to therapy this week!" and then you end up spiralling right back to square one when you inevitably get sad and depressed again, because you ignored your mental health in favour of not utilizing those happy stable moments to get better overall. I've been there. So yeah, Ice King is suprisingly relatable.)

---

And not only that, but even when he is trying to make an effort and find ways to become happier, he's doing it in such a surface level way.

This whole episode is a great example of that, but this goes even further back. Just think about his princess kidnapping tendencies. Kidnapping a princess is a quick and easy solution to stop his saddness and loneliness. He wants to be loved, so surely has can force it. We never really see Ice King actually achieve his goal of marrying a princess, but let's say hypothetically he did. Than what?

He wanted friends for a long while too, so when he got them he was happy... until even the slightest cracks started showing.

If he managed to marry a princess, sooner or later he'd realize it doesn't make him truly happy. In the episode where he comes closest to achieving his goal (Princess Monster Wife), it still ends with him alone and sad at the end, because you can't cheat your way to happiness.

---

For him to truly be happy, he'd need to start addressing the core of where his issues come from. But he doesn't want that! So when other people start digging deeper, wanting him to self-reflect, he gets angry.

"How dare you make me think about why I'm sad!" "I'm gonna achieve happiness in this specific impractical way or no way at all!"

As someone who deals with this type of mentality, yeah. It hits! The last time I watched this episode was actually when it first aired, and since I was still a preteen back then, so a lot of this stuff flew over my head!

But now I get it now and am able to appreciate this episode a lot more. To be honest, I used to hate it! I find later seasons of AT a bit humorless and awkward to watch, especially season 6 . While these opinions haven't really changed., I think I can finally appriciate the thematic and emotional meaning of this episode now. Preteen Kat might have been a bit of a hater.

Final conclusion: I don't know how an episode about Ice King's furniture coming to life ended up being such a good exploration of mental illness, but that's Adventure Time I guess!

[ickypuppi3]

billy’s mom waking him up while it’s still dark, whispering even though neil’s working the night shift. it’s a couple days before his tenth birthday and she’s telling him they’re going to have their very own adventure, just like the ones in billy’s books. she grabs an already packed suitcase from under billy’s bed and kisses him on the nose, tells him to get dressed quick. the two of them leave in an old beat up yellow bug that she managed to get for a third of the asking price and keep parked around the corner until now. they stay with friends and jump from place to place so neil can’t track them down. billy gets used to surfing couches and staying in motels.

he spends his tenth birthday in a diner, his mom gets him a big stack of pancakes and a milkshake with extra cherries. gets a candle out her pocket along with her silver lighter. sings happy birthday and pulls a face when the waitress frowns at them, just to make billy laugh. she sips at her coffee while billy tucks in. smiles when he holds some out with a “c’mon mama, share with me.”

billy thinks it’s neat. thinks it’s the best birthday he’s ever had.

they eventually end up with a place in california, a little bungalow near the coast and billy grows up with his mom. billy gets pretty shirts from the thrift store ‘cause his mama lets him do stuff like that. doesn’t call him a queer, doesn’t force a baseball bat into his hands whilst yelling at him for crying, for being a pussy. his mom lets him read and keep a journal and press flowers between the pages of the neverending story, she plays hendrix and dusty springfield and laughs when billy comes home from his friends’ house with his first piercing at thirteen. she doesn’t tear down his posters or yell when she finds him using her eyeliner.

and everything’s perfect. sort of.

they have bad days- billy’s mom has bad days. billy calls them gray days ‘cause that’s how the world looks when she’s like this. all her color gone. no singing-dancing in the kitchen or baking five different kinds of cake because she couldn’t decide which one was best, no last minute trips to the beach or sitting outside at night and telling billy about the stars. instead she’ll stay in bed, won’t go to work. she’ll stare at the wall blankly and look right through billy when he tries to talk to her. she won’t take the pills the doc gave her and billy doesn’t know what to do. never knows what to do. just chews at his lip until it bleeds, bites at his thumb until it’s red raw. he’ll get in the bed with her. lay beside her and just talk like she used to do with him when he had a nightmare. hum a song to her.

billy’s still pissed at the world just slightly less so. still has that anger and anxiousness simmering just below the surface and shows his teeth when cornered. he’s still hardened in a way that a kid shouldn’t be but. it’s different. there’s no neil. the only bloody noses he gets are at school, when he fights with the kids who call him a fag and a fairy, call his mom a basket case. he uses fists when they laugh and ask if she’s all there with a finger pointing at their heads, ask if billy will “catch the crazy.”

those are billy’s bad days. sitting in the principals office, icing his knuckles.

when he’s fifteen, billy manages to bag a job at the local auto repair by turning up every day and telling howie how good he’d be, that he knows cars and it’s all he wants to do and please please please. eyebrows pulled together, eyes puppy dog wide and hands clasped in front of him until howie grumbles, throws an oily rag at billy. says fine but billy’s gotta pay for anything he damages. someone brings in a chevy camaro and billy asks howie to let him help fix it up. does the begging again until howie laughs. says get a hold of yourself, kid, voice fond as he ruffles billy’s hair.

billy’s four months away from turning seventeen when the doorbell goes. he’s eating a sandwich and watching knight rider. he’s wearing the necklace his mom got him for his last birthday and- he answers the door. doesn’t think twice. freezes when he sees neil standing there. he looks different. hair a little shorter and more wrinkles. where billy’s gained weight, gained muscle, neil’s lost it. his eyes are a little sunken and he’s still got his wedding band on. he reeks of booze. billy has to remind himself to speak, just says “yeah?” his voice comes out small and neil smiles at him. smiles and billy feels this weird twist in his stomach ‘cause .. that’s his dad and he hasn’t seen him in years and it twists and twists and-

turns out. not much has changed. billy realises a little too late that neil will always be neil. they run again. have to leave everything behind. billy doesn’t get to say bye to his friends, to howie, to the car. they leave a lot of stuff behind and head in any direction away from neil. they both try to keep the mood light, take turns driving and play the tapes billy grabbed. they end up in indiana- hawkins. they stay at a motel until billy’s mom finds a place for dirt cheap. it has two bedrooms and a dingy bathroom, a living room slash kitchen and one hell of a damp problem. it’s dirt cheap for a reason.

it’s above a shop in town and- it’s fine. their landlord is an asshole but they’re together and they’ve got a roof over their heads. billy’s enrolled at hawkins high and his mom gets a job at the laundromat. he tells her that he doesn’t need to go to school, that he could just work and help pay the bills but his mom won’t have any of it. says that she wishes she had finished school and that billy’s too clever to waste it. that he has potential.

billy knows the reason she dropped out of school was because she had him. he just nods, rests his head on her shoulder.

it’s billy’s first day at school and his mom drives him to make sure he actually goes. he gets out the car and tries to shake the nerves off. straightens up and puts on his act. plasters a fake smile on his face and it’s working, he’s got most of the girls swooning and the boys at least seem curious. billy looks around and his eyes land on a guy leaning up against a bmw. his hair’s coiffed to high heaven and he’s wearing a polo, preppy as fuck but- pretty. it’s one of the first things billy realises about him, all doe eyes and moles dotted just about everywhere. he’s got a smirk on his face. not aimed at billy but the guy beside him.

pretty-boy walks over to him and billy raises an eyebrow, plays it cool. he introduces himself as steve and billy gets the idea that he’s top dog at hawkins high, is immediately proved right when they step into the building. king steve, freckles calls him. billy laughs- catches steve looking at him when he does and feels his face get hot. steve just smiles wider, calls billy california and tells him to sit with them at lunch. billy tries to ignore the way steve’s smile makes him feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under his feet.

he nods and steve grins. tugs at one of billy’s curls.

says “i think you’re gonna like it here, california.”

[queerly-autistic]

You really can't engage meaningfully with Ed's story in S2 without firmly centring his mental illness and suicidality, because that's inherently what the story is: it's the story of a man having a severe mental breakdown and going to increasingly erratic extremes in order to achieve his end goal, which is to not be alive anymore...and then it's the story of his recovery from that.

And so much of my frustration with the way I see this being talked about (or, in many cases, not being talked about) reflects my more general frustration with how we talk about mental illness and neurodivergence, so buckle in because this got long (also I am going to be discussing suicide here, as well as very brief mentions of psychosis and ocd, so please take care). There's this trend when we talk about mental health: we go 'oh mental illness isn't an excuse' or 'mental illness doesn't make you do bad things' or variations thereof. These are, in my opinion, some of the worst things to ever happen to the discourse around mental illness. It's reductive. Absolutely mental illness can lead you to do things that you would not have otherwise done, even things that you would be absolutely appalled by, if you were mentally well. What do you think mental illness is if it's not something that impacts your brain and how your brain functions? If your mental illness doesn't directly lead to problematic behaviour, then that's fantastic, but that experience is not universal. It's not an 'excuse' - it's an explanation for certain behaviours that's vitally important to acknowledge and understand in order to try and mitigate harm.

There's also this thing that happens with discourse around mental illness where we assume that what you do in the grips of mental illness is reflective of something that's innate inside you. You were violent whilst in the middle of psychosis? Oh, it's because you're an innately abusive person and this just reveals who you really are. You have Tourette's and one of your tics is a racial slur? Oh, it's because you're an innately racist person and this just reveals who you really are. Your OCD is rooted in a fear that you're going to murder your family? Oh, it's because you inherently do want to murder your family and this just reveals who you really are. It's bullshit. What you do in your mentally ill state is not some deep philosophical reflection of your true character, and the idea that it is is something that causes really deep, dangerous harm to mentally ill and neurodivergent people.

So, now that that's over with, back to Ed.

Ed was behaving in ways that were acknowledged in canon as being extremely out of character whilst in the midst of a severe breakdown. Fang himself said that he'd 'never' seen Ed behave this way; even Izzy, who actively pushed for Ed to embody the extremes of his Blackbeard persona, ended up concerned because it became so extreme and out of character that it was impossible not to be concerned by it. The crew who mutinied on Izzy within a day didn't mutiny on him for months, not until their lives literally depended on it, because it's heavily insinuated that they were hoping he would get better. Because this wasn't the Ed that they knew (the Ed that we came to know in S1 - an inherently soft man who is caught in a culture of violence and is tired of it).

The show wasn't subtle about this. It didn't bury the lead. As well as the constant reminders that he was acting out of character in increasingly alarming ways, this was very clearly depicted as a breakdown, an almost total collapse of Ed's mental health. We saw Ed detached and numb and completely dissociated from the world around him. We saw him in private moments of despair, breaking down. We saw him behaving erratically in the grips of mania. We saw him display absolutely textbook warning signs of someone whose made the decision to die by suicide. We saw him smile and say 'finally' at the moment when he knew he was going to die.

The show basically painted a giant neon sign over his head flashing 'THIS MAN IS EXTREMELY UNWELL' in bright lights, and if you miss that, then it's because you're deliberately avoiding looking properly.

(And, important to note, that most of the people that I've watched the show with outside of fandom discourse absolutely took away from these episodes what the show was intending - they saw how unwell Ed was, they were devastated for him, and they desperately wanted him to get better.)

When Ed steered the ship into the storm, and threatened to put a cannonball through the mast, his clear goal was to create a situation where the crew had no choice but to kill him. I've seen people describe this scene as Ed 'trying to hurt the crew', and I think that's very much a misrepresentation of what the show was depicting. It was very blatantly a suicide attempt. He wanted to die, and he didn't care what he had to do in order for him to achieve that goal. That doesn't make it good behaviour, and it doesn't mean people didn't get hurt, but it does make it a very different situation than if causing harm had been his main intent.

There is a fundamental difference between 'he is doing this because he explicitly wants to cause harm to the people around him' and 'he's doing this because he's suicidal and beyond the point of being able to rationally consider who might be getting hurt in the process of ensuring that he ends up dead'. One of those is a bad person who enjoys causing pain - and the other is a deeply unwell person who can be supported and helped to recover and be better (and should be, for the good of themselves and the people around them).

And on that note, the failure to engage with this as a mental health story is also, I think, why I've seen some people get so upset about the show not doing Ed's redemption arc 'right' - because this isn't a redemption arc, and it's not trying to be. One day I'll do a separate post about how much I love that the show explicitly rejected a carceral approach, opting to essentially put him through community rehabilitation rather than punishing him, and even mocking punitive prescriptive measures (that rubbish youtuber apology speech was supposed to be rubbish and unhelpful), but that's one for another day.

The fact is that the show is telling a story about mental illness, and that inherently means that Ed's arc is a recovery arc, not a redemption arc. And if you're expecting a redemption arc, then you've fundamentally misunderstood the story that they're telling (and the revolutionary kindness at the heart of the show).

I have a lot of feelings about this because I genuinely believe that it was one of the best depictions of mental illness and suicidality that I've ever seen. Within the confines of it being a half hour, eight episode comedy show, they told a story about mental illness that was surprisingly realistic (with the obvious fantastical over the top elements of it being a pirate show - and piracy is explicitly depicted as a culture where violence is heavily normalised), and that didn't shy away from the messier, darker, more complex elements of mental illness (particularly of being suicidal).

And then, most importantly, after all that, the show took me gently by the hand said 'you are not defined by what you do in your lowest moment - you can make amends, you can recover, you are still loved, and you are worth saving'.

[cosmic-d1ce]

q!Phil's mental illness is portrayed so well

it's so clear that something is wrong, to everyone else and to himself but he will deny it forever. He won't admit something is wrong or that these things really are messing with his head

He can't. He just can't do it! it's nothing and he's fine and he isn't sure if he's a real person anymore but that can be fixed!!

He can just distract himself with small tasks and talking to people and accompanying Tubbo and Fit when they want to go somewhere. He can just venture out 300k blocks or go do dungeons or explore those places where he knows he really shouldn't go. There has to be something he can do. Something that will make him feel real again. Can't feel pain in a dream!

None of it was real so why does he feel like this? He's certain it isn't real, it couldn't be. But he doesn't feel real either. None of it is real. He isn't real. He's stuck in a never ending nightmare and he's never going to wake up and- god he needs to find something to do before he starts questioning things again.

He can check on Fit or go see someone else, it's a distraction, it stops him from thinking about everything. It stops the feelings and thoughts for a time but was that bird there a second ago? Is it real? Why is there a bird in a cage here?? What the fuck??? That's real, right? Yes. Okay, it is there. Why? He should take it home. He needs to go home. He'll catch up with the others later.

But he doesn't. He doesn't come back and nobody will notice and he knows that and it's okay it doesn't matter! He doesn't want to be bothered he needs to go to bed. He wishes his friends would check on him more.

He wonders how long it would take for someone other than Fit and Tubbo to notice if he disappeared. He doesn't want to think about it, he needs to go to sleep. He goes to the nest to sleep. It's nice out here.

[captaintrio]

anxiety is the dumbest disorder, how's it gonna make me terrified to fail AND terrified to succeed. bbygirl what do you WANT

[dryococelas01]

I've been thinking lately about a particular character archetype that's been really emotionally resonating with me for a while. I've had trouble pinning down exactly why and thought if I rambled on a bit maybe that would help get my thoughts in order.

I'm gonna dub the archetype the Quixote, for reasons that will soon be obvious. Both of my examples are, funnily enough, created by games workshop.

Content warning for, I guess, severely altered states of mind, alzheimers/dementia, insanity, cannibalism and I'm not sure what else. This is a bit of a weird one to tag. I'll put mental illness as a tag even if its a fantasy mental illness rather than anything real.

So I'm gonna introduce the 2 examples first, so everyone's on the same page. They are Nemesor Zandrekh of warhammer 40k and the Flesh-Eater Courts of Age of Sigmar.

So quick Zandrekh crash course. He was part of a race called the necrontyr, they got forcibly uploaded into robot skeleton bodies by soul eating gods called the c'tan and got their souls eaten in the process, becoming the necron. In the process most of them lost all personality, with the nobility being allowed to keep between aspects and the whole of theirs. They then managed to turn on and kill the ctan, and went into a several millenia long sleep. Many of the ones who still had their personalities have odd quirks as a result of their uploads, the long sleep, too early wake ups etc.

Zandrekhs condition is that he does not see the world as it is. To him, his body is flesh and blood. The many aliens and armies he fights are necron rebels and separatists, the mindless robot armies he commands loyal troops.

He has a bodyguard, Oberyn. Oberyn takes care of him. He stands by as his Lord holds feasts of rotten food for prisoners of war he regards as enemy ambassadors, watches his lord attempt to shove food into the flat metal grin where his mouth was. If one of these PoWs or a noble under zandrekh, sick of his nonsense, tried to deal with Zandrekh, Oberyn deals with them.

He stands by him until the end. He knew and loved his lord before they were machines, and he does so now.

(Quick note: some people interpret this as romantic love. I don't but I can see why. To me I have strong recent memories of my dad and me taking care of my grandma whos mind has aged, and that's how I see it. We do explicitly as of the novel Severed have obyron describing it as love). (Second quick note: these 2 are explicitly based on Don quixote and Sancho, one of Zandrekhs old abilities was called something like tilting at solar mills)

That's your crash course on Z. Now the Flesh Eater Courts.

The FSC ars a faction of flesh eating undead ghouls. They are withered and rotten, riding giant bats and undead dragons into battle, devouring the flesh of soldier and citizen alike.

But much like Zandrekh, that's not how they see things. They have a form of infectious delusion.

They are Noble knights. The giant bats are magnificent pegasi, the zombie dragon is alive and majestic, their barren wastelands beautiful and fertile, the hordes of ravenous ghouls the loyal citizenry at their command.

When they invade a civilian village, tearing at their flesh, devouring young and old alike, that's not how they see it. They see a goblin warcamp, a chaos cult hideout, a Necromancers castle. They ride in on their noble steeds, their loyal armies at their back, and save the day. And after? They have a grand feast, peasant and knight feasting side by side on rich and expensive meats.

You get the idea

This archetype so interests me for so many reasons.

Lets start with them as a moral question.

Is The Ghoul Evil? The ghouls have taken part in the butchery of innocents, the slaughter of villages and destruction of homes. They've eaten people and serve the whims of a far less deluded master.

But they don't see it that way. Not only that but they are incapable of seeing it any other way, their senses and minds completely in thrall.

There are plenty of people who do horrible things and see their actions as good, but they have the capability to be different. A violent white nationalist will no doubt say everything they are doing is for some greater good, but they have the capacity to change, they can be something that isn't a voilent white nationalist and there is evidence in the world around them that their views are wrong and abominable.

The ghouls cannot not be ghouls, they can't see the evidence in the world around them.

They can't see their rotten fraying flesh, their sharp teeth. They can't see the farmer they killed, they taste delicious chicken instead of human flesh, drink wine not blood.

They are Noble heroes to their eyes. And there's no way for them to know otherwise. They are doing good, to their eyes.

So is the ghoul evil? I don't think so. Their acts are evil acts, but there is no evil intent to them.

It's a very interesting moral question to me. I'm curious on your thoughts, if anyone sees this.

When the veil lifts.

Nate crowley recently wrote a novella about zandrekh called Severed, from the perspective of obyron. In it he based zandrekh on his experience of a relative with, and I can't remember which, alzheimers or dementia (hence the / in the content warnings).

There is an amazing moment, at one point, that I'm just gonna quote.

So obligatory, spoiler for the novella Severed.

__________________

‘Well fought, old friend,’ said Zahndrekh, with companionable warmth. ‘You really ought to have rested more, but we need to leave. I must commend your rather… straightforward method of dealing with the sorcerer’s engine, and it very much appears to have done the trick. Doahht has gone off like a light, and its legions with it. But without the engine, I fear the stability of the planet itself won’t last, so we’d be much better off in orbit. Are you ready for a short jaunt up to the Horaktys?’

Obyron nearly said yes, but then he remembered the engine’s true purpose. Or what it might have been – it was so hard to recall now.

‘But… our souls, Zahndrekh. The machine… it could give us our souls back. It could give us our bodies. Please, lord, let’s at least take part of it with us, so we can know for sure.’

‘Oh, dear vargard, why do you hold on to such things? You must let the thought of this awful contraption go.’ Zahndrekh put an arm round him in consolation, and continued.

‘Let me pose you this thought, Obyron, in the hope it will bring you ease. What do you think caused you to hold true to me for all this time despite all the power you might have enjoyed through betrayal if it were not a soul? What can love, but a being with a soul?

‘Even if we all ceased to be flesh and blood millions of years ago, which of course I don’t be-lieve for a moment,’ – Zahndrekh actually winked – ‘wouldn’t it have suited us better to live in denial of that, as some fools might say I had done? Wouldn’t it be better, Obyron, just to accept our fate, and enjoy immortality for the everlasting life of merry campaigning it has proved to be?’

Obyron stared hard at Zahndrekh, unsure of what he was hearing.

‘You old bastard. You knew all along.’

‘I knew nothing of the sort, old friend. But since you seem to be labouring under some delusion that you’re a soulless machine, I thought I should at least make some attempt to set you straight.’ Zahndrekh stood up then, and patted his thigh for Obyron to join him. ‘Come now, soldier. Up on your feet, and let’s return to the flagship. If we’re quick about it, we can have this all cleared up in time for a truly astonishing feast.’

Obyron, ever loyal, obeyed his lord. He would have wept, but he had no tears.

__________________

With the authors statement I'd say this is a moment of clarity, not zandrekh having known all along as Obyron imagines. I've seen grandma having many similar ones.

Zandrekh sometimes sees the horrifying reality he lives in, sometimes the fog lifts. And he prefers the fog. There's a lot more to pick apart from that quote but that's what I want to focus on.

Age of Sigmar has a trpg called soulbound, in which you can play a ghoul. If I ever find a play group I will.

Imagine a scenario, out adventuring team has just butchered a village. The ghoul is huddled on the ground, lifting the arm of a murdered young man who tried to defend his home, ready to eat it.

For a moment, the veil lifts. The noble Knight, defender of his people looks around him.

His good freind, the hedge mage, is raising an undead abomination out of murdered civilians. The noble Knight he rode besides has lined up survivors and is draining them of their blood. The beautiful noble lady he traveled with and hoped to court has no flesh, she's a vengeful spirit.

He sees his claws, and sees what he's eating.

Imagine the horror that sets in in that moment.

He doesn't know if he's seeing the truth, or if he's gone mad. If it's the truth then he knows he's a monster, his friends terrors, the people he saved flesh eating ghouls and the people he killed innocent civilians. If its not the truth, then he's gone mad, he's being tormented by some daemon or spirit, he's cursed.

Now, the veil would likely fall shortly after and he'd forget that moment of horror, but let's say it doesn't.

Let's say our noble Knight has a choice. He knows the truth of the matter, and can choose between the veil falling again or staying lifted.

Does he choose to keep it lifted?

I like to imagine I would, that I'd accept the guilt and horror of my existence and past actions and try to be a force for good.

I know that I wouldn't. I would accept the delusion, because fundamentally the horror of what I am and have done would be too much. Reality would break me, so I would retreat and allow the delusion to take me.

I'd like to imagine my noble knight would stand up and become a force for good, redeem himself. He is a noble knight, after all.

Zandrekh sometimes sees past the veil, but keeps acting like he doesn't because the veil is preferable to reality.

It makes a wonderful character moment, something beautiful and tragic beyond my words.

Whenever I think of these moments the veil lifts something in me cries. There's something so tragic about, in the case of the ghouls, someone that is noble, is trying to do good, but is incapable of. Something sad but strangely beautiful about zandrekh choosing to retreat into joy and fantasy rather than face reality.

I don't know how to put it, it just touches something in me.

I don't know, there's a lot more I want to say but I can't figure out how to say it. Hope my rambles were at least interesting.

[goat-boy-sounds]

a whumpee who goes catatonic as a coping mechanism after being captured and a whumper who isn't exactly sure what they're doing anymore because they can't get a single reaction out of whumpee except for some stray tears every now and then

[gabessquishytum]

Hahahaha!

Victorian era Hob runs a practice devoted to the scourge of hysteria. (https://tinyurl.com/Hysterically-Endless)

In Hob's opinion, it is one of the most pervasive problems affecting good young people of fine breeding.

When the Endless family send Dream to him for treatment, Dream has stopped eating, is noticeably irritable, and won't acquiesce to his family's desire that he marry the remaining Burgess heir. [https://tinyurl.com/Classically-hysterical] (Although, who would want to marry that milksop, wet blanket, of a man.)

Dream is lovely. And Hob wants to help him, but Dream is resistent during their first sessions - Hob had to tie him down, and it took too long for the healing contractions to happen. Hob can see that he is going to have to be more hands on for Dream's case. Maybe Dream would respond better to human touch, instead of Hob (proprietary) machine.

Maybe Hob should offer to marry Master Endless, so he is always available to treat him.

Omg this is wild. Vibrator wielding, clitorus stimulating Victorian Doctor Hob who is probably also on enough cocaine to kill bigfoot is such a wild and yet compelling image to me. And skinny pale invalid Morpheus? Excellent.

Dream is resistant to treatment at first, as most patients are, but Hob is an expert. He knows exactly how to calm the young man down and make him see that this is all for his own good. The machine is going to help him, and Hob will help too by adding his own extra treatments. And Dream, who is inclined to believe in the wonders of modern science, begins to trust his doctor.

And he does begin to respond to treatment. Hob keeps him a sort of post-orgasmic haze most of the time, happy and sated and sleepy with no need for drugs. The colour soon returns to his cheeks. Other visiting doctors admit that young Endless is a triumph - proof that Hob’s strange methods have some healing power after all. The fact that Dream regresses when he's sent away from Hob only further proves the theory.

Dream's family are ultimately quite pleased to hand him over to the doctor on a permanent basis. Dream seems happy enough at the wedding, clinging to Hob’s arm and smiling shyly. He has to be taken to a private place for a "treatment" during the wedding celebrations but nobody begrudges him. Particularly not Hob.

He's thinking of stepping back from his clinic and focusing on Dream’s full-time care. He's the most important thing now, and he needs Hob’s healing hands as well as the machine. Hob wants his darling Dream to be in the best of health for their married life. There are so many things for them to explore together...

[seventh-district]

OCD will literally remove your brain's ability to register when a task is Complete and then create 10,000 incredibly ridiculous and extremely specific rules for you to follow in every single aspect of your life (to keep you safe, of course, it tells you.) and then tells you that if you don’t do them Correctly and Completely every single time it tells you to (it tells you countless times per day) then the Entire Fucking World Will End and then it’ll do this fucked up thing where it makes you believe that nonsense.

and then people that don’t have it will make silly little jokes about being soooooo OCD and make t-shirts with fun little acronyms on them like Obsessive Coffee Disorder and tell you how much they like it when things are organized and clean, too!!

and then you’re supposed to just. laugh. like you haven’t been robbed of your entire being and potential and been taken over by a mind and life altering disability

[cartoonscientist]

[femmefatalegoth]

Seward: [Rolls up to work looking sleep-deprived and haggard] how is Renfield this morning? Any change since the incident last week?

Guard: You mean last night sir? Well he’s been very violent -

Seward: No I mean last week of course! His habits have changed drastically since the escape last Friday!

Guard: Sir I think you’re confused...

Seward: I have notes you fool! [waves pages of notepaper covered in ‘all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy’.] Anyway enough of this. I have a new plan for Renfield.

Guard: Er, yes sir?

Seward: We’re going to let him run loose.

Guard: ...

Seward: To see what he does.

Guard: ...

Seward: For science.

Guard: ...

Renfield: I suddenly feel such kinship with you, Seward.

[controversialhpmemes]

stop the nonsense

[foolscapper]

The Art of Measuring Time | Part 1 of 5 | Pages 1-10

Thank you to everyone who had supported the comic when it was posted to gumroad! I may close my gumroad for now for future endeavors, but until then — I will be posting five posts here to tumblr of the full 50-page comic! Please note that the comic will involve topics of mental illness, possession/bodily autonomy, hallucinations, and references to past self-harm.

Thank you for reading! I’ll see you in Part 2 of 5!

[mxgical-space-fae]

I’ve made a bunch of bracelets for the Trilogy Tour concert I’m going to in the summer (like 60-70) but after coming back from the psych hospital I decided to make some menhera/yami kawaii themed ones.

Hope y’all like em!

[cosmic-d1ce]

I like to believe that q!Philza is very mentally ill and on the island he doesn't have his meds so it's much worse than it would be at home

And that's also why a lot of the time people, especially Fit, talk about him hallucinating and not knowing what's real or not. This happened with Cellbit the other day when they spoke about Wilbur, Cellbit didn't believe him because he has a tendency to mix up reality with fiction

This also gives Forever a leg to stand on when he says Phil is wrong about their "past" together. He can say Phil is just a bit delulu and people believe it because he is

From what I've seen everyone else is weirded out when weird things happen, but Phil just isn't?? Like when the admins would play cave noises to spook people, he just shrugs because it's normal for him. He's so used to just hallucinating all the time he doesn't give it a second thought

Same with the binary thing being Cucurucho for a minute when he got attacked with the eggs, he wasn't shocked or worried, he didn't look into it, he just went "Cucurucho- oh its the binary monster now" and he wasn't worried. Same with when the eggs turn into regular players, he laughs but he's not concerned, he knows (or at least thinks) it's not real

Even his first interaction with Cucurucho, he was surprised but not scared like a lot of others were because he didn't think it was real. He joked and didn't take it seriously until it hit him because then he realised Cucurucho was a real thing and he did have to answer the questions properly

He's usually good at telling hallucinations from reality and most of the time assumes that any fuckery is just his brain making things up. Sometimes though, especially on the island, he gets it wrong. He assumes fiction is reality and/or vice versa

I imagine sometimes he hallucinates the nightmare stalker and assumes it's real. Or even before that incident, he'd see the eyes and assume it was fake

He also obviously has PTSD, this island has fucked him (and everyone else) up. Especially the nightmare thing. I cannot be the only one that noticed how that changed the way he plays on qsmp completely

Plus his blurred sense of real or fake makes it hard for him to tell if his nightmares are real or not

[agent-calivide]

Seraphina Enya "Phoenix" Ardeat full backstory

Content Warnings for: Mental and Emotional Abuse,Child Neglect, Alcoholism, Drug use, Eating Disorder, Car accidents, mental health struggles, inferiority complex, and feelings of expendability.

This story is not a happy one, you do not need my Phoenix's full backstory to appreciate her as a character, nor to follow the premise of any of my fanfics. This is just a little bit of bonus content for those curious, but if any of the above are triggering:

Do not feel like you have to read what's below to follow my fanfics or any of my other IEYTD work.

The information explains my Phoenix's mannerisms, but lacking the context does not make any of my other works unreadable.

So, it occurred to me recently that, while I talk and write a lot about my Phoenix, I've never sat down and given y'all her backstory about how she got to the EOD, especially seeing how she's rather young (something that becomes much more obvious in Glaring Gears once I actually start editing it)

Seraphina Enya Ardeat was born to Caine and Mary Ardeat, and they were the spitting image of a 1950's family... With an emotionally abusive father and a mother who was clocked out of life with a mixture of red wine and opioids.

Because of her mother's physical presence but otherwise complete absence in every other way, Seraphina was pushed to take up the mantle of homemaker very, very early in life. Growing up, she was expected to cook and clean for her father while also balancing schoolwork, leading to shaky grades and sub-par results at home. This was not good enough, which lead to many, many nights of Seraphina sobbing while her father berated her and her mother simply watched.

As the years went by, the treatment only grew worse, with her father speaking terrible things to her through middleschool and into highschool, making her feel like she couldn't do anything right.

"Not smart enough to go to college and not pretty enough to be a trophy wife" was a go-to insult that clung to her skin and carved itself into her mind. Especially as she grew a love for technology, loving flashing screens and spinning dials and the magic of radio waves and magnetism and how electricity travels, but feeling like she was never going to be smart enough to properly follow it in any significant manner. This road block leads to her idolization of Zoraxis tech and Dr Roxanna Prism, even if she'd never switch sides for it.

Of course, the other comment ate at her just as much, Seraphina starting to calorie count and manage her waist far too young to be worrying about such things. She's shorter than average because she stunted her growth greatly by not feeding herself properly in her youth. Handler started giving food after missions because she neglected herself so greatly in the early days of missions she'd usually be on the verge of passing out after most of them. She shrugs it off as exhaustion, but M knows what it is.

As Seraphina grew tired and burnt out, she desperately tried to find a way out, ending up finding herself at the bottom of one of her mother's wine bottles and being given the liquid courage to try and drive away in the middle of the night. The combination lead to a massive car wreck that, while it didn't kill her, did leave her rather bloodied and in a lot more trouble with her father.

She couldn't save up money from an actual job, but she pinched pennies wherever she could from dollar bills left lying around, stashing coins, and taking odd jobs like helping clean up other people's homes and other under the counter gigs all through highschool, and the second she graduated she was gone.

Took all of her life savings, sunk it into the only jalopy she could afford, grabbed a few sets of clothes and vanished. She drove for days on end until she was sure she was far enough away nobody would find her and spent all of her time filling out job request forms. She slept in her car and cleaned up in public bathrooms, it wasn't pleasant and at times she'd wondered if she made the right decision.

But, after ages of radio silence, someone finally reached out, the EOD.

While the EOD prided themselves on being a highly specialized division, they also were... incredibly desperate. Agents were dying at astronomical rates thanks to an up and coming enemy known as Dr Zor, and even their most professional of agents were dropping like flies. They needed hands, and fast. Even if they were simply canon-fodder placeholders while they learned this new foe's tendencies. Sure, they knew about combination locks, plastic explosives, how to unwire and rewire bombs, but this odd puzzle aspect was throwing them for a loop. They were desperate for someone, anyone to join their forces.

Desperate enough that when they got an application from a girl with no past, no place of residence, no paper trail, and nothing to be tracked, they simply counted their lucky stars that they finally found someone who wasn't gonna wake up to a poison powder in their air vents or a bomb in their mailbox.

Seraphina was put into training on an accelerated course that had her skip the position as cadet, and most positions frankly, and she quickly became the agent the EOD knows and loves today.

But, unfortunately, she has yet to get help for all of the trauma she underwent while growing up. Hell, she has yet to admit that there even was trauma there an that she wasn't just a deeply fucked up individual as a person and not as a result of her family.

She feels like she has to push through sickness, injury, exhaustion. She has to keep busting her ass and being her best, the best, or else she'll be discarded and left to fend for herself all over again. And the EOD has only exacerbated this issue with their revolving door of agents that they quickly replaced and nonchalant behavior to agent deaths.

Sure, it was because the others were failing missions in the "setting off a death trap to the face" way, but she could never chase the nagging feeling that if she, as an agent, didn't succeed every mission flawlessly with no evidence she was there and all of the intel, the day saved, what have you she'd be fired for failing. This has lead to extreme cases of self negligence and overworking often, but she hides it with a snarky, sassy attitude and a fake smile.

She's the best of the best and she has to stay that way... lest her family be proven right.