#so it took an uneventful prolonged stretch of night shifts

[michyeosseo]

semidoyi backstory;

title taken from lyrics to lifts, c/o my 아두 derangement playlist ♡

[pimpmastapopo]

Fanfic: Domesticity

Pairing: 1xR Rating: G Summary: “When he was sixteen, domesticity was a dirty word.” Heero grows up.  Note: This is for @Oncefutureking for the  @gwsecretsantaexchange

When he was sixteen, domesticity was a dirty word. That meant settling down, making decisions and generally knowing where you belong. He didn’t know where he belonged after the defeat of the Barton Foundation. One thing he did know, is that he felt calmer in the presence of the young Vice Foreign Minister.

It started slowly for him. He would check up on her once in awhile. After Mariemaia, he would keep tabs on where she was. He emailed in a few tips to Commander Une, just to make sure her team had the situation under control. Slowly, those emails became phone calls to Une. Then they would talk for a bit about her security situation. Une suggested he stop in next time he was on Earth to talk about Relena’s team. That seemed like a good idea to him, which was entirely surprising. The need to be left alone was fading away. He was starting to seek out opportunities to see his former comrades. More alarming to him, seeing her on TV wasn’t enough.

He hadn’t completely avoided her. Whenever she visited the colonies, her personally worked with Une to secure the buildings she visited. He never contacted her, although somehow he knew she didn’t take it personally.

After about two years, he found the shadow routine was getting old. Whenever he thought about seeing her, he thought about being seen by her. He broke his silence around her birthday, showing up with a teddy bear and a card, leaving it on her desk. But this time, he waited for her in her office. The smile she gave him as she entered and saw him warmed him completely. It was something he hadn’t felt in a long time and he spent the next several months chasing that feeling.

He made a habit of checking in on her at the office. It made less and less sense for him to be based in space. He got an apartment in Brussels, near her. He felt himself changing. He liked being around his old comrades. He would rather spend a quiet night next to Relena than by himself.

And then came Otis. The ball of black and tan fur ambled into their lives one uneventful Thursday. Relena’s assistant had found him outside and brought him to work with her, she said Relena would know what to do. The puppy roamed the office for a moment before singling out Relena and promptly falling asleep on her lap. Heero knew at that moment that the dog had stolen her heart.

She took him home, got him a collar, leash, bed and every kind of dog food the local pet store had. She fretted about a name before landing on Otis, because she said it fit him somehow. Heero went with her to the vet and they found out he wasn’t microchipped, was very healthy and a purebred German Shepherd. She filled out one form and he was hers.

Keeping the dog at home during her work day seemed cruel to him, so Heero started to train him so that he could accompany her. They spent hours together learning commands until Otis could perform the tasks with hand signals. Otis took all of his training seriously, watching Heero’s hand movements closely and obeying the commands fastidiously. The only time he ever got off track was when Relena was around. Heero could relate.

She was a little more lenient on him when Heero wasn’t around. Relena gave him a few food scraps and let him on the couch. She made sure to never do it around him, lest she receive a disapproving look.

Otis liked Heero. They would spend many a quiet afternoon together and there was a respect between them. But he loved Relena. He turned into a giddy mess when he saw her after a prolonged absence. She indulged it, smiling brightly as Otis would shower her with kisses. Heero didn’t like that Otis would lose his carefully crafted composure, but he loved seeing Relena smile.

It was an equally unimportant weekday when Heero pulled into the driveway of Relena’s house and had a sudden realization that he had built himself a family. They had never talked about it, but Heero had basically moved in to her home. They made decisions together and took trips together. They never made decisions without talking to each other. He realized coming home to her and Otis was his favorite part of the day.

He never thought he’d have a family. If you asked him a few years ago, he would have said he didn’t deserve one. But as he opened the door to the house he shared with her, he knew this was right. That this place with this woman and this dog - it was home.

It was suspiciously silent as he locked door behind him. He heard the hum of the tv in the living room and moved towards it. He found Relena asleep on the couch, and her stalwart companion curled up in her legs.

“Some guard dog.” he murmured while patting Otis on the head. The dog sighed deeply, as if he was agreeing.

She shifted at the sound of his voice, stretching a bit and opening her eyes.

“Go to bed.” he said, still petting Otis at her feet.

“I am in bed.” she answered sleepily, not making any moves to get up.

He lifted her from her position at the end of the couch, but instead of getting her up, he took a seat. She adapted, using him as a pillow. “I’ll get up in a second.” she murmured, clearly about to fall back asleep.

Otis readjusted to his presence on the couch, curling up closer to Relena. She sighed contently as his arm snaked around her, pulling her closer.

Domesticity? Yeah, he could get used to this.

[scrambledthoughtz]

fed up w/ quarantine & other thoughts

been feeling really fucking fed up with myself recently. every time i feel like complaining about this quarantine or shelter-in-place, i feel like a stuck-up asshole and i just remember that TikTok that's like "Kim, there are literally people dying." i understand that i'm in a huge position of privilege given the circumstances because my family and i can afford to stock up on food, toilet paper, and cleaning agents. i know that we are lucky to even have the chance to complain about the fact that we are stuck at home -- reading, sleeping, catching up on lectures, painting, or whatever other activites people have picked up during this quarantine. i know that there are people out there (like doctors, nurses, mail men, grocery store workers, Uber drivers and more) who are working their asses off to make sure that we are able to maintain at least some degree of normalcy despite the chaos that we have all been thrown into. and massive props to them -- i really can't even begin to express my gratitude for those who are still working hard at their jobs while the rest of us get to stay at home. so trust me when i say i know. i know i shouldn't really even be complaining because in the grand scheme of things, i am lucky. my family is lucky. many of us are lucky. but with all that being said, i'm not going to deny the fact that these extended periods of time spent cooped up inside has taken a bit of a toll. i've been so fed up with myself recently for a number of reasons. first, it has been SO hard to focus at home. i'm not used to being inside for so long, or not having the option to go somewhere else to study when my room proves itself to be a massive distraction. it's not like i don't have anything to do. i do. i had midterms last week, and finals this week. but despite this, i've found it so difficult to focus and to commit to sitting down and actually put effort into my schoolwork. i'm the type of person who hates turning something in when i know i haven't put my best effort into. sometimes it is what it is, but especially with my bigger assignments (like this 10-page research paper i have due at the end of this week), i would absolutely hate to turn in something that i'm not at least decently proud of. and i've always been this way. i always tell people the story of when i fell asleep the night before my country report was due, and i woke up to it being finished, thanks for my mom to took over and finished up my project while i had temporarily passed out on the floor next to the computer. in the end, i got an A, but i was still upset because i felt like i didn't deserve the grade that i had gotten. it was my mom's A, not my own. since then, i've mellowed down a little. i've grown to understand that i can't put my 100% into everything, but i still hate turning in something that i'm not proud of. but i just can't find the willpower to sit down and freaking type out this paper. i don't even know why. actually, maybe i do. a few weeks ago, i went to an academic coaching appointment at Foothill, and i told the coach that i may have an perfectionist instict where i drag out assignments because i know that they're going to take a lot of effort and brainpower and i don't want to churn out anything sub-par. it's a worthy revelation, but it doesn't do me any good if i don't work on it. now, i'm not a perfect (or even a stellar) student by any stretch of the imagination, but i don't think i really realized how much of my identity is tied with school and my education. without that structure and constant push, i feel genuinely lost. it's like, "what now?" what am i working towards? if i have too much time on my hands, i'm almost always itching for that empty space to be filled with schoolwork, or any type of productive activity. it's not like i LOVE school or anything, but i also don't hate it. and actually, nowadays, i really miss it. i miss my instructors. i miss my classmates. i miss sitting in a classroom and participating in-person. i'm honestly kind of sick of talking with people over the phone, text, email, or FaceTime. i miss the physical face-to-face connection. i miss my workplace. i miss it a lot. i miss my supervisors, my co-workers, and the ridiculous conversations we'd have during the night shifts. i miss laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and tears are streaming out of my eyes. i've been spending an obscene amount of time on social media, and it's been more toxic, time-consuming, and draining than anything. i've uninstalled and reinstalled Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok countless times over the past week. i honestly lost count of the number of times that i uninstalled one of those apps in a brief moment of determination and productivity, and then reinstalled in a prolonged period of boredom. my sister has been so productive these past few days, and i envy her focus. i'm starting to develop an irrational resentment towards her. she is able to focus for long periods of time, she has the willpower to not snack out of boredom, and she has somehow developed impressive upper body-strength. she goes on daily runs, and she is able to manufacture structure for herself in an otherwise long, uneventful day. the days are beginning to blend together, and i've told myself that i wouldn't let myself succumb to boredom. i try to keep myself busy. i downloaded an audiobook that i listen to in the morning and while i'm walking my dog. it's a charming book, something that i wouldn't be able to get through if i was physically reading it myself. it's called "The Rosie Project." i see so many people rediscovered hobbies and talents, learning how to cook, finally getting to that "stack of books that they've been meaning to get to", creating their own home workouts, and i feel so much guilt. i feel so much guilt that i've been sitting on my ass all day, complaining. not doing much except for refreshing each of my social media apps, hoping for new posts to scroll through. i know that there are things that i should be doing, but i just can't. i know that i should learn to cook because i am going to be moving out soon. i know that i should take this opportunity to work out more often. i know that i've been looking for more time to read, and this extra time has cropped up. i know, i know, i know. i'm beginning to develop familiar resentment towards my friend, who keeps on sending me frightening statistics. stop getting your anxiety all over me. i know that the amount of coronavirus cases in the Santa Clara county has tripled in the past week. i know that the president is shutting down borders and banning international (and even domestic) travel. i know that we are basically trapped. i know that a "shelter-in-place" directive is one of the most serious directives out there, and that it should not be taken lightly. i know that we need to work on flattening the curve, and that we are barely even there. i know that school is probably cancelled for the rest of the semester and that it'll take place virtually, even though the shelter-in-place is only supposed to last until April 7. i know that it'll be extended because the spread of this virus has shown no signs of slowing down. i know that, despite what the media tells us, the elderly are not the only ones who are susceptible. wash your hands, wear a face-mask when you go out, wear gloves, don't touch your face or your mouth. social distancing is the legal mandate. stay 6 feet away. no social gatherings. stay at home, stay at home, stay at home. don't go to the beach and party it up like a fucking idiot. all non-essential businesses shut down. no one knows how long this is going to last. the death toll keeps increasing. our governor may even shut down beaches because ppl aren't taking the shelter-in-place mandate seriously enough. it's crazy, it's uncertain. thankfully my professors have been so understanding, so kind, and so generous. my Ethics professor made our final option (although i'm still going to take it because i have a fucking B in the class right now -- another story for another time). my research methods professor has extended our paper deadline three times, and she sends out announcements reminding us to take care of ourselves. i know that it's a difficult time, but i can't help but feel guilty. yes, it's a difficult time for everyone involved, but surely more so for others? i'm just sitting at home complaining and eating chips. this doesn't apply to me? i don't deserve an extension on anything because i'm not doing anything anyways. it's not like i have anything else to do except my assignments, and i'm still not doing them. i feel like a lazy piece of shit who is just going to take advantage of these extensions to procrastinate even more than i already am. sure, it's lonely at times and i've only really talked in-person with my family for more than a week. but i didn't do anything to deserve this. the real support and recognition should go to those on the frontlines -- the doctors, nurses, infectious disease experts, and so on. props even to my dad, who is a dentist. i'm just sitting at home, having the luxury of doing nothing, having my meals made for me, while my professors are frantically working behind the scenes to make sure we still get our education. i don't deserve this. it always boils down to this, and i'm not sure why. a lingering feeling of guilt or "un-deserved-ness".