#so now Im upset I just kinda delt with it and then left

[jackalopefreckles]

You know when u say "I use he or they" and they only use they and their the first person to ever use they but also. Shes the older teacher who has repeatedly called me a she. So it feels patronizing from her. Especially when after she goes on to say- and not in a mean way shes trying to have a nice conversation and other people are agreeing- that just pronouns are hard now and all that stuff and yknow Im too transgender for that conversation

[thathumanwiththecatears]

I feel like venting so this will be way too much information about my life that i am sharing on the internet because why have a private diary when you can publicly scream your problems into the void

So basically, both of my parents kinda suck. They arent the worst, but they also just kinda suck :) So before i was born my parents had my sister. And between me and my sister my mom had a miscarriage. I dont know details of that, but i know it happened. I also know that my parents were not going to have me because of not just that but also they were already not getting along very well. But then they changed their mind for some god forsaken reason (i was not an accident i was planned) and now i exist.

My parents were at the point of hating each other before i was born. They divorced when i turned 18 literally, when i turned 18 my dad started slowly taking his stuff and moving out over a few months until he was fully gone and filed for divorce. I will talk about that later. But the point of saying that now, is that ny parents hated each other for 18 years, and for some fucking idiotic reason decided it was a good idea to stay together.

I have lived in three places. My first house was this apartment where it was a 2 family house, but like first floor second floor rather than next to each other. My family lived on the first floor, my cousins family lived on the second floor. My second place was the second floor of my grandparents house and now in my current apartment been here for like 8 years.

I am usually one to say i dont remember my childhood. Thats because i have repressed it. I have few memories and they are usually bad. My parents never “hit” me so to speak. Not in the /actual abuse/ way, but i was spanked and slapped by my mom. She likes to laugh about it to people still now. Thinks its funny that she could say ”do i need to take you to the ladies room?” To me and i would stop crying. One of the biggest phrases that sticks with me is “stop crying or i will give you a reason to cry” it still hurts even now just thinking about it. The number of times i could be crying over something that to me would be a lot and have that screamed at me with hand raised is just terrible.

A specific memory that i have is on i belive either my 5th or 6th birthday, i was wearing a velvet burgundy and black dress with buttons up the middle and matching burgundy headband. I dont rememver why, but i know that something upset me and i was crying, and i was yelled at to stop crying, and i remember sitting in my room before my party trying to stop crying and make myself look okay. I had a lot of birthdays like that. Kinda why i really dont like my birthday, but it also breaks my heart whenever my birthday is ruined, cause im always a little hopeful it wont be.

Some other memories i have involve being yelled at to clean. I had a lot of pressure on me and i was never good enough. Always did something wrong. I would cry at night and wish that i could just be perfect. I didnt wish things would stop happening, i wished i could become perfect and stop messing up and do everything that was asked of me. I had to do a lot. My sister didnt, my sister was the favorite. I have always known she was the favorite. Was always treated better, always had her side taken, always was the good child, the pretty child. I delt with a lot of anger and fighting with my sister, we really didnt get along. And i think part of the reason she was the favorite was because she would always intentionally make me mad so that i would end up fighting her. I punched and kicked her, she did the same to me but i was worse. I once had her locked into a corner and was hitting her until we got in trouble. I cried in the corner for a few hours after being the only one punished.

When i was little i had already been depressed and suicidal. When i was six i wanted to be left alone to die in my room. I locked myself in and cried with music playing. My mom screamed at me that i would be taken away. Being taken away was threatened a lot. And i remember her screaming asking me if that was what i wanted. And everytime in my head i screamed yes. But i said no on the outside.

I remember hearing screaming always. My parents were always fighting, over money mostly. My mom telling my dad how worthless he was and how he didnt provide for my family. And my dad wasn’t innocent. He could have done more, but he still didnt deserve the abusive words. He was told he was worthless for years. No one deserves that. They wouldnt just be screaming at each other though. They would be screaming at me and my sister too. I flinch whenever my door is opened still because of how my mom used to slam my door open and yell at me. I flinch a lot.

In middle school i mostly lived at my grandparents. With my parents also there though. My nana and papa lived downstairs and we lived upstairs, there was only one kitchen and bathroom though both downstairs so it wasnt like an apartment. This sucked too. My nana liked my sister better. Actually she was the favorite of all the cousins. We would all talk about it, well except her. My dad would also get into fights with my grandparents. They were my moms parents and because they sided with my mom for obvious reasons, he wouldnt get along with them always.

I remember specifically sleeping on the black leather couch while home sick, up in our living room on the second floor. Watching disney jr. i stayed home sick a lot. Not because i was sick but because i was too depressed to go to school and really good at pretending to be sick.

When in 8th grade my health teacher noticed that i was depressed. He was the first person to notice. And he had me show my parents a pamphlet about it. My mom took me to a therapist. But you see, im selectively mute. I didnt know yet though, so it just came across as not wanting to talk. My mom would go with me. She would always be there, she would talk for me. She and the therapist would talk about me as i sat there unable to speak screaming about how wrong they were in my head. Eventually it was just me in the room. But i still couldnt talk freely. My mom would be told everything. All of my issues stemmed from her. I tried to bring it up once. My mom cried, made it all about her, cried about how she was a terrible mother, i was forced to tell her she wasnt and push down all of my problems and just be forced to live with that just being how it is. I cant talk about it because i dont matter. My feelings didnt matter and they never will. My goal was to just make my mom happy and not worry about myself. I just had to be perfect.

My grandparents sold the house from underneath us and we were forced to find another place. My current place. I liked it when we got here it was nice. There was a time while living here where my mom didnt have a job. That sucked a lot. She was always home. Always yelling at me. I couldnt get away. I almost never leave my room now because i have become so accustomed to just being in it. I have a vivid memory here. My bed was on a different wall of my room. I dont remember what we were fighting about. But i think what happened might have actually gotten to my mom for once. She was screaming at me and i went into my room and she followed me. I ended up on my bed as far as i could get from her crunched up into a ball saying “please dont hit me” over abd over while crying. I dont remember what happened immediately after but i do remember she left and i cried a lot.

I also remember when my sister found a paper towel with blood on it in my room. She told my mom. The worst possible thing she could have done because it lead to screaming and making things worse. I was threatened to be sent away. A big theme in this whole thing, getting sent away. I have a big fear of that still. Fear of doctors and hospitals and therapists and mental hospitals. I was threatened with them so much so that makes sense.

Once me and my sister got in a fight with my mom together. My mom later decided it would be a good idea to call us both out and tell us about how ungrateful and terrible we were and that she clould just kick us out and that she didnt owe us anything. I had a panic attack. The first time i had ever had one in front of her. I couldnt breath. I sobbed. I went to my room and fell to the floor behind the door hysterically crying and panicking. She screamed at me to stop and threatened to call 911. That for obvious reasons made it worse and made me have to force myself to get words out begging her not to and to just leave me alone so that i could calm down. Which she hated because to her she just heard “go away” as if i was just being a bratt. I eventually managed to get myself calmed down enough to semi explain what happened and got away to my room alone.

As i said earlier my dad left when i turned 18. It broke my heart when i realized that it was literally because of the fact that i had turned 18. You see in my dads eyes, he couldnt leave sooner because he didnt want to walk out on me and my sister. I think if they had just divorced sooner things would have gone better. I wouldnt have had to deal with hearing screaming all night every night for my entire life if they had. But i can understand why he didn’t want to leave. He still could have left when i turned 18 in a better way though at least. He basically snuck out. Spent less and less time at home until he wasnt coming home until all his stuff was gone. I cried about it but i was glad he got away from my mom. But him getting away from my mom made life worse for me. She no longer had him to scream at, and she didnt scream at my sister as much, it was all concentrated to me. Everything was a reason to scream at me. It has died down now. Other than a few days ago when she threatened to take away my phone and laptop and basically all connections to the outside world. If she did i would have left. She refuses to actually let me get freedom. She is trying to hold on. I cant drive, i dont have a job, i dont have any money. She doesnt want me to leave. If i leave she doesnt have anyone to control anymore.

This obviously isnt my entire life and everything, but its just the stuff i thought of now. Its almost 8:30am and i havent slept, so i should probably do that now. But yeah. Thats my vent fo the day.

[shibo226]

im not sure abt how to stop being salty but usually whenever im mad at people i usually just start plotting ways in my head to get back at them even if i dont end up doing jack all. like for example my brother is always a douche but i always try to think of how i could rat him out to my mom for some things or i could steal his ice cream from the freezer. just think of stuff that'll get under their skin. it doesn't really help but it makes me feel better ahah

Yeah see...I’ve already passed that stage. I’ve already ‘gotten back’ at her. During our last argument.

2 weeks after the trip (which is when the things that made everyone upset happebed) she blocked and unfriended me from all social media. Not at the time of the argument, 2 weeks after. I got really shitty, because that’s a fucking immature way to handle an argument with a friend, I mean it’s one thing to avoid them for awhile, to go unfriend and block?

So in our group chat (which we could all still see) I dropped a “If you didn’t want to be friends anymore the MATURE thing to do is just tell me”

Which she took offence to. Long story short she tried to call me, got shitty when I said I did not want to have this conversation because I knew she wasn’t going to listen to me. Fight esculated. And at the end, in my last message before blocking her...I said some things. Things I am VERY well aware were not ok to use in an argument.

I know it was being emotionally manipulative, I only said it with the purpose of causing hurt, I let myself drop to her level. And tbh, I don’t regret it I know and understand it was wrong...but I can’t bring myself to regret it.

Because yeah while I did that ONE emotionally manipulative thing....she had been doing more,. All the salt? It’s me going back over our entire friendship and reanaylising things she did or said that made me go “hmmmm” and realizing just how horrible a freind she was. I’m not getting mad over the same thing over and over, I’m getting upset about different things every time.

Her getting shitty when I started snapping at them after being forced to stay at con longer than I wanted because I have general anxiety, and when I get pushed I get aggresive.

Her getting mad at me because I pointed out, I am an adult, you are 16 in another country I am legally responsible for you. depmanding I treat her as an adult, only to turn around and pull the “Oh wow an adult shouting at a kid?’ card

Friend B is perfectly entitled to be passive aggresive because their feet got hrt by wearing my demon heels (when they OFFERED to swap shoes after I was in them for hours. And turned down my offer to swap back) But I wasn’t allowed to complain about the massive hole I had ripped in my foot.

Them going to dinner, without me, and proceeded to NOT TELL ME they were going to dinner or when they would be back and not understanding WHY I was so upset, when I had put off eating myself or spending my last $20 so we could have dinner.

I was uncomfortable taking taxi’s, because 1) the con was like a 10 miute walk away, it’s why I booked the hotel I did...becsue it was super close) and 2) taxi’s are expensive. But I was ignored and over ruled and we took a taxi EVERYWHERE costing us a lot of money. And despite her grandma giving her a credit card for the purpose of paying for taxi, she never once used it for that, making everyone ‘shell in’ even when I stated I did not want to taxi.

They didn’t want to pay me back for the food we had bought that weekend, despite also eating that food.

Staying up until fucking midnight, on the night before we fly out...at 4 am

They would do things as a trio, leaving me out of it and not understanding why I was so upset.

Telling me that their own shitty, hurtful and immature behavious was MY fault, because it was a result of MY actions. Because I was being rude. Which was me basically shutting down every time I got upset, because  when I am hurt and upset I lash out at people, so I shut down so I don’t do that. They were allowed to be passive aggresive and ecude me from things, but I wasn’t allowed to cope with my feelings in the only non-destructive way I know how.

I told her to leave me alone when I was upset, that I did not, could not talk about ‘feelings’ when I was still in the middle of being hurt. The reason I tel people to leave me alone? because I am not safe to be around, if you push the issue I will snap and lash out. She kept pushing, kept trying to ‘deal with the issue’ kept insisting “when I’m mad at people I need to” or “when people are mad at me I need to” no fuck off, when I am upset, I need to be left the fuck alone.

Being told that ‘vague posting’ was enough to end a friendship, even after I delted the vague post when they got upset and demanded it.

The entire trip I was basically being pushed into the ‘adult supervisor’ role, but when I actually stepped up and did anything like that, they would get upset.

And that is just some of the shit that happened to me! Third girl, who was the only one who gave a rats ass about how I felt or the fact that I got hurt (only one who stated ‘doesn’t matter if we didn’t mean to hurt you, you still got hurt) got the shitty end of the stick when I didnt, but she’s too fucking lovely and kind hearted to realize.

And that was just ONE trip, one weekend...I can list off the MANY other times sthey have said and done things wich, while not directed at me, were pretty shitt.

I want to let this go, want to STOP obsessing over everything...but it’s kinda hard to ignore, especially now it’s just added to my anziety.

There is a mall, I can no longer to (I hated the mall anyway so no loss) because one of them works their, and it’s their regular hang out. I spend con’s in a state of hyper awareness because I’m scared shitless I’m going to run into them.

I FEEL BAD FOR INTERACTING WITH THE ONE FREIND I DO HAVE LEFT, Because I don’t want them to be bullied for talking to me