#so she’s dealing with homophobia on top of fortune hunting !

[sonyapaxtonapologist]

ann walker, who at such a young age lost her brother and both parents in quick succession, only to be cast aside by her extended family, sent her sister-in-law blackberry syrup for her cough and her wife’s aunt asparagus for her leg ulcers, and calls her wife’s aunt “aunt anne” like any other niece, and has meals and plays cards with her in-laws while her wife is out of town. ann walker, who had been manipulated by nearly everyone who was ever supposed to look out for her, married a woman who began as nearly self-serving as her own family to ultimately becoming ann’s biggest advocate and compass in all things. ann walker, who had been dismissed as an unhinged invalid incapable of making her own decisions, not only stood up to her abusive family so she could get proper medical treatment, but also developed the skills needed to continue protecting herself and her loved ones. ann walker, who truly believed she would be publicly executed for being in love and having sex with another woman — a fear that escalated into night terrors and hearing spirits cursing her — fought with everything in her so that she could ultimately accept not just a marriage proposal from another woman but to begin accepting herself as well. ann walker, who has been mocked behind her back and to her face by people she was nothing but kind to, chose graciousness over being cowed by their cruelty even after a lifetime of people being cruel to her. ann walker, who lived a sheltered life and felt herself “insipid” and inexperienced, enjoyed being read to by, as well as learning another language and travelling abroad with, the wife she never thought she would be good enough for. ann walker who risked her family, fortune, freedom, and future all so she could be with a woman she admits to having fallen in love with during their very first meeting — at a time when the woman in question was perhaps at her most visibly transgressive while ann was perhaps at her most sheltered as a teenaged girl. ann walker, who radiates humility and gentleness on the surface while simultaneously possessing hidden depths of remarkable courage and curiosity, has revealed herself to be capable of much more than anyone has ever given her credit for

[brightbeautifulthings]

The Dead and the Dark by Courtney Gould

"'We know that spirits are made of unresolved pain that lingers somewhere between life and ... beyond. Theoretically, I'd say pain that leaves a deep enough impact--pain that kills a piece of a person--could leave ghosts, too. Ghosts are death, but maybe death can mean different things.'"

Year Read: 2021

Rating: 5/5

About: Teenagers are going missing in the small town of Snakebite, Oregon. Logan Ortiz-Woodley and her dads, hosts of the famous ghost-hunting show ParaSpectors, have arrived to investigate, but their welcome is hardly warm, and their history in Snakebite is fraught. Most everyone believes they had something to do with the disappearances, and Logan has to deal with their suspicions on top of the usual small town bigotry. Ashley Barton's boyfriend was the first to go missing, just days after Brandon Woodley arrived in Snakebite. Now his ghost is haunting her, and working with Logan might be the only chance she has to find him--alive or dead. The girls launch their own paranormal investigation, and what they find is a darkness that lurks at the heart of Snakebite, a darkness that may only just be getting started. I received a free e-ARC through NetGalley from the publishers at St. Martin’s Press. Trigger warnings: death/child death, drowning, severe injury, homophobia, hate crimes, slurs, threats, bullying, grief.

Thoughts: This is so much my kind of book, it's ridiculous. I love it so much; I'm not even sure where to start without descending into fangirl shrieking and incoherent rambling. I guess I'll start by making a list of my favorite things: strong family themes, good representation (mlm, wlw, poc), a delightful mystery, scorching social commentary, and a Gay Dads ghost hunting show that I fervently wish was a real thing. (Every Supernatural Destiel fan and I would watch the shit out of that.) There isn't a lot about the book that's overtly frightening, and I think Gould could have played up the haunting aspects a bit more instead of relying on a general sense of "wrongness" in the town, but it's still effective. In the tried and true tradition of horror, the humans are often a greater threat than the supernatural. More than the horror aspects, it was the mystery that kept me turning pages. Who or what is the Dark, and where will it strike next?

There's an excellent cast of characters, beginning with Logan, who's complex enough to take over whenever the action lags. She's a combination of sophisticated city girl and a kid who desperately wants her fathers to love her. Alejo is an absolute gem of friendliness, jokes, and solid advice. Brandon is distant and hard to read, and the strangeness between him and Logan characterizes much of their family relationship. Ashley is a little more run-of-the-mill, a big deal in her small town, who occasionally makes painful statements about how "people just aren't gay" in Snakebite. Fortunately, we have Logan there to call her on it, and Ashley probably sees the most personal growth of any of the characters. There are themes of family, grief, and self-discovery that all see excellent arcs.

The book is also a critique of homophobia and generalized bigotry found everywhere, but that seems to be especially concentrated in certain kinds of rural small towns. I'm way more afraid of an entitled white dude than I am of ghosts, frankly, and The Dead and the Dark has plenty to fear on both sides. The horror is expertly woven in with the social commentary, and while I don't want to get into spoiler territory, I love the direction Gould takes it. I love the way everything in the book is connected, and she pulls it all together for a tense and satisfying ending. Easily my favorite book of the year so far. If you liked Sawkill Girls, this is for you.

[samsnak]

Daddy Issues

I put this little baby on AO3, but I figured I’d also drop it on Tumblr in case any Mshenko fans don’t go there as much!

Title: Daddy Issues

Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Shepard gets an email one day from someone he didn’t know existed. Kaidan comforts him after it goes to hell. Can be set at any time in ME1 or ME3. Please be warned about homophobia and the use of homophobic slurs, and don’t read if you find that upsetting <3

Word Count:  2,591

"Hey,” Kaidan said as he entered the cabin, walking over to the desk where Shepard was sitting and placing a kiss to his forehead. Shepard didn’t look away from the terminal he was pouring over, just grunted a greeting and patted his hip.

“You doing okay?” Not that he needed to be the center of Shepard’s attention, but he was kind of used to it whenever he walked in a room. And he also really liked it. Shepard was scowling, and the hand on his chin was rough as he scraped his stubble, pinching the skin and leaving a red mark. Kaidan just barely suppressed the urge to pull his hand away and kiss the skin better. Maybe his eyebrows too, for good measure, just to coax him into relaxing.  

Shepard didn’t answer him, just kept scrolling and reading the text on his terminal, scowling. If he didn’t want Kaidan to see it, he didn’t say so, and he didn’t make any move to hide it. It was a long, drawn out message, so he just skimmed the contents over his shoulder. A long, sad biography—filled with grammatical errors—about being hunted by mercenaires, running, working odd jobs, and missing a son he never knew he had.

He knew that Shepard had been an orphan, and had grown up fending for himself. He’d mentioned committing petty crimes, sexual favors for credits, joining a gang, but getting him to open up much was like pulling teeth, and Kaidan didn’t like to pry. He started to rub his shoulders—they were rock hard—and his neck, and hoped that he’d tell him what was going on.

At the bottom of the email was a picture of an ID card. Matthew Shepard, the name read. The picture was of an older man with piercing blue eyes just like John’s.

“He’s probably not even my real dad,” Shepard said finally, “Just some enterprising asshole who happens to have the same last name. Maybe it’s even a fake ID,” Kaidan didn’t respond, just kept rubbing his shoulders and letting him talk through it.

“Probably just heard about me becoming a Spectre,” John was silent for a few moments, thinking, “Do you think I should meet him?” His question belied the hope he had hidden. How could Kaidan say no?

Kaidan had been fortunate to always have a good relationship with his father. He couldn’t imagine not even knowing him. “It’s your choice,” He said, choosing his words carefully, “But I always think it’s easier to deal with the regret of trying and failing than not trying at all,”

And that had to be true, at least, right? Maybe the two of them could build some sort of relationship. It would be good for Shepard.

He reached back, patting the hands on his shoulders, and chuckled warmly, “You sound like a fortune cookie,” but he immediately started typing a response email. The tone was terse, but he agreed to meet him on the Citadel.

***

If there was any doubt that this man was John’s biological father, it was erased as soon as they laid eyes on him. He was standing alone in a corner of the bar on the Presidium, the same scowl on his face that John carried so often. He was just as tall as his son, and almost as imposing a presence. He had his high, prominent cheekbones and his intense blue eyes. He was lanky, not the heavy set of muscles his son carried, and his complexion was ruddier, but the resemblance was striking.

“Wow,” Garrus said, “That’s a ‘Shepard,’ alright,”

Shepard just grunted. He looked down at his gauntlets, picking at some invisible spot.

“You okay, Commander?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard looked at him, and Kaidan gave him the most reassuring smile he could muster. “I’ll be back,” he nodded at the two of them before walking away.

John’s father smiled, big and wide, when his son approached. His arms flew open and he embraced him. Kaidan cringed. Shepard was...funny about being touched. He still flinched when Kaidan hugged him unexpectedly. John stood stiff, waiting it out.

Shepard was the one who broke the hug, after a few long seconds. He took a step back, looking the older man in the eyes.

Kaidan sighed, and turned to Garrus, “C’mon, let’s go get a drink.”

*°*

“John! It’s good to see you,” the older man said when he approached. That, more than anything, had pissed him off, put him on edge. Kaidan was the first one in over a decade to call him by his first name; once he joined the Alliance it was always rank and last name . He’s not friendly enough with anyone else for that. The familiarity was too presumptuous for someone who he’d never met.

The hug was a shock. Kaidan was certainly the first person in decades that he’d hugged. This hug made him uncomfortable. He suddenly wished Kaidan were here. He was better with people. And he felt better when he was around.

“The first human Spectre? That’s incredible,” he said, “I’m so proud of you,” he clapped a hand on his shoulder. Shepard would never admit it, but that felt good to hear. It seemed odd, to care about the opinion of someone he’d never met before.

“Thanks,” he muttered. The man—his father—pushed a drink towards him, before ordering them two more. Shepard threw it back. He’d probably need it.

“John, I—uh, I never knew I had a kid. I didn’t know your mother for very long, and I didn’t hear about you until after she died,”

“Who was my mother?” he asked, suddenly interested.

“She was a...lady of the night,”

“Oh,” he didn’t know why he was expecting something different. He’d seen that world. He didn’t want to ask how she’d died, “Why didn’t you get me?”

“You were already with a foster home. I figured you’d be better off. I’m not exactly the child-raising type,” he looked down and finished his drink, so Shepard did, too.

John was the one to wave the bartender for another round, this time, “Foster care wasn’t great,” he spat, and swallowed against the rise of bile in his throat at the memories.

“I don’t doubt it,” his father hung his head, sighing heavily.

John pinched the bridge of his nose. He wanted to walk away and forget all about this. The small bit of personal time he was given, and he was pissing it away chasing some ideal of a father figure. He should leave, go shoot something with Garrus, buy himself a new gun, make love to Kaidan. But he had to know.

“What did you contact me for?”

“I wanted to meet my son. Isn’t that a good enough reason?”

“I guess,” John said. They drank in silence for a few more minutes. Shepard lost track of how many they’d had. He glanced around the bar, trying to find Garrus and Kaidan. The two of them were sitting at a table nearby, quietly talking and nursing their drinks. They kept stealing glances towards him, and he smiled when he caught their eyes.

He leaned heavily against the bar. The room was starting to spin, a little. Across the bar, two handsome young men were kissing. He wanted Kaidan.

His dad—and wasn’t that an odd thought, that he had someone to call “dad” now—broke the silence. “I need to ask you for a favor,” and there it was. The real reason he’d reached out to him in the first place. The only reason anyone contacts Commander Shepard; they need something.

He was too drunk for arguing to be worth the energy, so his dad went on, “There’s a group of mercs who’ve been after me. The Blue Suns. They think I shorted them on a shipment, but I didn’t,”

“Mmm,” he said in response. He risked another glance towards the couple. They were still kissing.

He must have been staring at them more than he’d realized, in his inebriated state. His dad followed his gaze to the couple. “Fags,” he sneered.

“They’re not hurting anyone,” he said into his drink. He considered draining it, but thought better of it. He was on that dangerous precipice between feeling good and getting sick.

“It’s disgusting,” he curled his lip.

He stood up suddenly, surprising himself at how pissed he was, “Is that why you contacted me? You need help?”

“No, I told you, I wanted to meet my son,” his words were slurred.

“The handsome Alliance guy I came in with? That’s my boyfriend, ” he spat, inclining his head towards where Garrus and Kaidan were sitting awkwardly, “I just finished sucking his dick before we got here,” he slammed his fist down on the table top.

His father didn’t seem to have a response to that. Just looked vaguely disgusted.

“We’re done here,” Shepard turned without another word and walked away.

***

When their voices had started rising, they started carrying over the roar of the crowd, but Kaidan still couldn’t make out most of what was being said. He did catch a single, nasty word that made his stomach drop and his cheeks turn hot: fag.

He wasn’t sure how John would respond to that. He could imagine the devastation he’d feel, if his own father called him that slur. That fear was one of the reasons he still hadn’t told his parents about their relationship, even as it was escalating.

He’d only heard that word a few times in his life, but he remembers his father using it. He was 16, still grappling with his own confusing sexuality and feelings, and it felt like a gut punch when his father used it to describe their neighbors . It wasn’t particularly mean spirited or spiteful, just a matter-of-fact statement. New neighbors are nice. Couple of fags.

Garrus seemed to have heard it, too, and looked at him expectantly. Kaidan wasn’t sure if he should walk over to the two of them. If John would even want that, or if having his fag boyfriend walk up would just make things worse. Even after all the time they’d spent together, he was no better at reading John’s poker face. He looked tense, he could tell that much. He’d left the Normandy carrying the Alliance posture: head high, chin forward, shoulders back, and the man still looked like he was made of steel.

Then John slammed his fist down and left, and Kaidan didn’t have to make a decision anymore.

“Let’s go,” Shepard growled to the two of them as he stormed past. He and Garrus exchanged a glance but followed without a word.

***

Kaidan felt awful. He was the one who’d pried, who’d talked Shepard into going to meet him. It was a naive, idealistic thought to think that the man who’d abandoned him as a baby suddenly wanted to reconnect. Shepard had known better, of course. He lived the hard life of looking out for himself, of being alone.

Kaidan had taken an old wound and ripped it back open.

They sat on the couch in the Captain’s Cabin, his head leaning against Shepard’s shoulder, “I’m sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut about the whole thing,’

Shepard turned to him, his brow furrowed in confusion, “What? No. You were right. If I wouldn’t have gone I’d just spend the rest of my life wondering. Knowing is...better,”

Kaidan wrapped an arm around him, still unconvinced, but dropping it for now.

Shepard’s voice got lower, “Who needs a dad when I have a sexy Alliance boyfriend,” he said, wrapping an arm around his waist.

Kaidan laughed, “Don’t try to change the subject,” but he ran a hand down his chest, anyway.

John nipped his earlobe, and pulled him to his feet, squeezing his ass, “You can be my daddy,”

Kaidan gave him a playful shove and laughed, “God, Shepard, you’re the worst,”

He grinned, not slowing down, “Yeah? Gonna teach me a lesson, Daddy? Punish me with your hard cock?”

“Shut up,” Kaidan grabbed his jaw, kissing him hard to get him to stop talking.

“Mmm, yes, Sir,” Shepard started grinding their hips together.

“You sound like a bad holovid,” Shepard smacked his ass, hard, and Kaidan asked, “Who’s punishing who, here?”

His lips curled, “So you are punishing me, then?”

***

And wasn’t this a surprising way for his night to end. Shepard seated on his lap, his cock fully sheathed inside him, and the man moaning and biting into his shoulder. He’s heavy, but it’s a hot, comforting weight on his thighs. Kaidan can’t get the deep, hard thrusts that he wants—that Shepard wants—from this angle, but this lets the other man control the pace, and there’s nothing more important to the Commander than control.

Shepard’s begging, moaning filthy things into his shoulder, a constant stream of “Fuck me, Kaidan, fuck me,” and he does his best to fuck up into the tight heat, against the spot that makes his head fall back and his eyes shut.

It’s a slick, precarious affair. Neither one of them can get a good enough grip on the other. Their torsos are drenched in sweat and Kaidan’s pubis is covered with the lube that Shepard haphazardly applied. They slide against each other, John’s legs extending and flexing, Kaidan’s hands holding tight against his hips.

They kiss, Shepard’s tongue in his mouth is wet and insistent, forceful as it claims his mouth. Their lips are wet and when they pull apart a thread of saliva connects them together. Shepard’s tight, he’s so fucking tight, and he tells him so, when he lifts himself up to start slamming himself down harder. His legs are spread obscenely wide, his hard cock pushing against Kaidan’s stomach, demanding his attention, just like the man in his lap.

He can’t come like this, and he knows Shepard can’t, either, because he’s starting to get frustrated, fingers digging harder into his shoulders and grunts getting louder. Kaidan lifts him up, half biotically and half physically, and puts him on his back. A protest dying on Shepard’s lips when Kaidan slammed back home. He moaned louder then, the Fuck me’ s getting deeper the faster he moved his hips.

The pressure started to build, low in his gut, his cock getting more sensitive the closer to the climax he got. He leaned up, grabbing Shepard’s cock and stroking it to take him with him over the edge. He ran his thumb over the head, pressing down, squeezing, and Shepard spilled, come covering Kaidan’s fist and his chest, and his walls pulling in on him deliciously tighter. A choked moan of Kaidan followed a quick sigh as he shook, then fell back into the bed with a groan.

That relaxed, boneless surrender is what finally pushed him over the edge. He buried his face in Shepard’s neck, breathing in his sweat, hot and thick, and coming deep inside him. It’s like a shot, his whole body shaking, before he allowed himself to collapse and relaxed into the warm body beneath him.

“I love you,” He said to him finally, after the sweat on his back had become uncomfortably cool.

Shepard tightened his arms around him, placed a kiss on his temple, sighing.

“You don’t have to say it back, I just wanted you to know.”

“I love you, too,” Shepard said. Kaidan could feel his face pulling into a grin, and braced himself for what he knew would come next, “Daddy,”

Kaidan bit him.

Thanks for reading to the end, Cool Baby. I have more Mshenko on AO3, if you think that didn’t suck.