#so sorry for oversharing but I literally have no other place to put this

[mjn-air]

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[altschmerzes]

augh. the fuckening continues. Some More Stuff has gone down with my shitty shitty dad. yes. the one that died. It Continues To Go Down, Some Fucking How.

if you saw me talk about this somewhere else already sorry lmao. i don't even know why i'm like. i know there are people who i want to know things about how my life is going and who are invested in how i'm doing who follow me here and wouldn't have seen this elsewhere so it's like. sort of a bulletin and also i'm still just. it's circling around in my head kind of inescapably so. here's this. sorry for the continued oversharing re: The Fuckening, hopefully this'll be the last of it but apparently there is no way to remotely guarantee that he will stop pulling shit like this despite literally no longer being alive.

theres been a whole Thing where my dad had a life insurance policy through his work and the people from his job contacted our family and said that my sister and i were listed as the beneficiaries on the policy and so they needed the death certificate and our information to get that taken care of. i have been the one primarily in contact with the lady handling it, we emailed and talked on the phone a few times. and then recently my sister got something in the mail from the insurance people and i didn’t and we wondered if it was a problem with my address being canadian or my name change and so i called the insurance company today to get that sorted. according to them, based on the information provided by his work, I Am Not A Beneficiary. it’s just my sister, im listed as a contingency in case something happened to them before him or whatever i guess. so now there’s. that. going on. which, like. it makes sense, my sister is the one he had a relationship with and that’s a choice i made and it’s not like im owed anything but it’s still like. once again my sister is everyone’s favourite and im Nobody to my family unless they’re directly reminded i exist. except that like. he did remember i existed. he deliberately and specifically listed me as the backup and it was like- i felt weird about the whole thing already. Really Weird about it but this did not. make me feel Less Weird.

and it's like i just. why couldn’t the HR person from his job have read the fucking form correctly if that’s what it said this whole time. why was i listed as a CONTINGENCY beneficiary in the first place. i knew that man, i knew how his mind worked, i remember how every time i saw him when we WERE speaking he would inevitably bring up my brother and how my brother wouldn’t talk to him and how much that sucked. listing my sister for this policy and then adding me as a Backup Plan was like. this wasn’t about wanting to take care of my sister and just not thinking of me at all. so it’s like all the rest of it and now just. knowing, like knowing this was a choice he made to Punish Me for not being involved in his life. because his focus was never on what he had it was always on what he didn’t and how unfair and horrible it was that he didn’t have it. if he just hadn’t thought about me at all his partner of 11 years would be listed as the contingency if they Needed him to have one, the only reason to have put my name down like that was to Make A Point and to get back at me for walking away from him and it just?

like who does that. i cant get my mind around it. there is literally no reason for my name to have been included the way it was except to make a point and that’s what im upset about, not the inheritance stuff, it’s just. he was a vicious, petty, vindictive person and he got one last shot in to hurt me the only way he could because i wouldn’t talk to him. that letter he sent last year to my grandmothers house, this, he like. he hated me, i think. some part of him was so angry at me that he hated me and wanted to hurt me in any way he could even just by writing my name down like Not You Though, The Other One Is The One I’m Acknowledging As My Child Who I Want To Care For And Protect In The Event Of My Death, But I Need It To Be Clear It’s NOT You on paperwork he probably never thought anyone else would see. how pissed and resentful do you have to be for that to be something you think to do.

just like. was it not enough. was what he did to me when i was a kid not enough. why do things have to KEEP happening. why does he KEEP needing to find ways to hurt me as bad as possible because that is the outcome he wanted. was to hurt me as bad as he could in whatever way he could. just. what the fuck.

yknow in my like. ninth grade english class there was this one super insane day after it was made extremely clear that my teacher had no control over the class and wasn’t gonna try and rectify that where these two kids who hated each other got in this big fight like. mid-class. and the way this fight took place is one of them was shouting across the room and the other was, and this is not a joke, repeatedly changing the name of a wifi hotspot on his phone, as a way of responding to her. this is about that level of petty, immature bullshit. conducting a fight with someone by changing the name of a wifi hotspot. getting back at your bitch of a daughter who won’t talk to you by filling out HR paperwork so that it’s SUPER clear you only meant the other one and NOT this one SO THERE. etc. what a fucking child.

[lakemichigans]

friend anon again, I think you were joking when you said ask me how I know about the addiction topic, but I would really be curious to know more of your thoughts on that (sorry if that's too invasive, you don't have to answer this at all, but I am curious!)

oof yeah i feel like i've overshared and made people uncomfortable, but if you're asking then i'm fine talking about it!! airing out my dirty laundry... 🧦

basically i just have a family history of addiction that goes back many generations on both sides of my family. myself, my parents, both sets of grandparents, and even my great grandparents have been affected by alcoholism and/or substance abuse at some point in our lives. some of them went totally sober, some passed away, some are still struggling right now and have been for many years. there's such a wide range of people in my family. yeah some fit the stereotype of the "typical alcoholic" and you could probably guess by just looking at them that they have substance use issues. but others are so young and put together, you would never know. 3 of them started their addiction with prescription pain meds because we have a lot of chronic pain in our family (i got all the good genetics huh lol), and the rest of us pretty much exclusively have a problem with alcohol. that's why it makes me so angry to see people imply that alcoholism is a lesser addiction when it has completely decimated my family 😒 the cherry on top is that my best friend since childhood has really similar problems and even though we try to support each other and keep ourselves in check, we both have ended up circling the drain like everyone else we know. so that's great

ironically my grandparents were casual meth users who stopped using meth quite easily, but could never quit drinking or smoking cigarettes no matter how many times they tried, and it was lung cancer that actually killed my grandma. i feel like that's a common misconception among people who don't know much about addiction; you would assume that a highly addictive drug like meth would permanently change your life, but every person is different and one substance may be a harmless treat every few months while another "lesser" substance will completely and utterly ruin your life. it's like how some people can do a few lines of coke at a party and look back on it as a fun college memory, but other people will have their world completely rocked by it. you just never know

i NEVER thought i would have a problem with alcohol. literally never. i was so hyper-aware of the damage it can cause and i took so many precautions. i never drank when i was in a bad mood, i never drank alone, i never drank in the day or super late at night, i never got so drunk i lost my memory, i never drank in unfamiliar places, i never drank to get through a menial task, etc. and i cant even pinpoint when or why that all changed. it all just got so fucked up. i don't like how i act when i'm drunk and i feel so embarrassed when i wake up and remember (or find out) what i said to people, so i prefer drinking alone but that's a whole other problem. i've nearly gotten into fights at bars with grown ass men, i've wandered around downtown and have no memory of getting home, i fell off a fucking rock ledge while hiking at sunset and yeah i can laugh about it but it's also like. i nearly killed myself and for what? because i was drunk and trying to take a good picture. i drink to make chores more bearable. i used to do my college homework tipsy. video games aren't fun sober anymore. i make unnecessary purchases while i'm drunk and that's on top of the financial burden that drinking already provides me. i'll take a hit of anything i'm offered while i'm drunk, and thank god so far that has only been weed or cigarettes, but drunk brandi would not even ask what it is. i genuinely can't bear the thought of talking about my feelings with people if i'm not drinking (even then, i don't say what i really want to say because my mind isn't clear enough to string a thought together). like every fucking aspect of my life has been tainted by alcohol and it happened so slowly that i never even saw it coming. and if it can happen to me, someone who was PREPARED, it can happen to anyone

i'm not trying to scare people, i just wish people understood how slow and insidious addiction can be. maybe then they'd have a little more compassion

but yeah, that's where i'm at right now 🥲 it helps to write about it and vent because i just don't do that in real life. and maybe this rambly mess can help someone else or at least put things in perspective

[thetwelfthcrow]

Random fun question: What would an unwilling Mawis roadtrip look like? Because I like forcing them into situations and have them realize that they can get along and I'm on a long car ride right now scrolling through tumblr :D

oh hello what a cute idea! i think you're long out of your car ride by now, sorry it took a while but i Do have Thoughts about this!

i believe i've caught @phantomwritr talk about a roadtrip fic before. i haven't read it yet, so here are my own thoughts!

i absolutely love love forced proximity and i think this would work really well. the first thing i'd think is in the entire history of us au of red bull!lewis and max being forced on a marketing trip. or maybe merc!max and lewis being forced together. that'd be... logical, i presume?

but for their current situations.

i think the hardest of everything is figuring out why they're in that car together. why they agreed to do a roadtrip together. 'it's good for PR' yes but why exactly?. the one thing i can think of that they have in common is the puma sponsorship? at least some years back.

putting that aside though. so, they're in the car together driving from a to b. i think max would start out bothered by default because of his intrinsic hatred to any marketing related shenanigans. lewis would overcompensate a bit to lift the mood and keep it fun. gradually, this will shift in them genuinely having fun together because max isn't a grumpy man at heart and they just have a similar sense of humour.

i'd assume whoever planned for them to have this roadtrip just installed some cameras inside the car. and not to have, like, this whole-ass camera crew following them. this gets important later on.

max is a bit of an oversharer, so he'll definitely be free n talk with lewis about his dad and everything. about the many many roadtrips to and from italy the two shared, the good and the bad. max puts on some old tunes and lewis is like ??? you know these lyrics?? you weren't even a Thought when this song came out. i was middle aged by then! and they joke and laugh about it.

lewis will, at certain pit stops, buy fruits and veggies and talk about roscoe or himself, about the struggles in the sport, but also about how he loves it. max will listen to when lewis talks about mission 44 and almave and max, as someone who loooves a drink, will vouch to try it.

i would love love it if this roadtrip required hotels and places to stay for the night. like them driving from florida to austin or nevada for the grand prix. maybe the same as lando/oscar did in that jack daniels video.

so, then, it's suuper easy to weave a 'there's only one bed' into it. i wouldn't start with it, since they still have to get used to spending so much time with each other like they've never done before. but gradually after having spent a few days together non-stop, they would for sure make only a small problem of the one bed. like oh nooo whatever shall we do. and lewis is too polite to ask for a different room and max interprets this as 'well, he has no problem with it, why should i?' which gets them to accept the double room. then, naturally, this can go one of two ways: they end up cuddling and make a bit of a joke about it and all is fine and wholesome, or one of them wakes up hard and the other takes care of it <3

so the cameras. max and lewis are getting closer together but they can't show all of this. the fast progression of their bond is nice, and esp after they've slept together/jerked each other off/kissed/whatever, they can't just... be touchy. so suddenly there'll be things like 'oh no the camera broke!' (cue editor seeing a shot of max literally turning the thing off) and they'll have sex/make out in the car.

maybe something Bad will happen too, like both of them being under pressure of making it to austin/nevada before a certain deadline and if they don't, they're fucked. the batteries in their phones aren't charged enough or they don't have data and something happens to the car. max's emotions will skyrocket with stress and frustrations and 'they should've let me get the plane for fuck's sake' and lewis will be a bit hurt like, i thought we had a fun time? but then all of it gets solved in time and max's emotions are normal again and lewis is like hm. you would've preferred the plane? and max is like, uh yeah way faster. and lewis is like, hm well i got to say i don't mind this as much as i thought i would. and max is like oh shit no no i mean i'm having fun with you! i'd have let you join me on the plane. and then all is well again.

overall i'd think they'd very early on have a relatively good time together bc they're both kindhearted people in my opinion. they just don't know each other all too well and have to get used to being so close so much for so long. yeah i think this would be a very fun fic to read, actually. nice nice. thank you for the question, love! <3