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Blue.

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I need motivation... help?

Before I start my rant, it's Memorial Day and I just want to say God bless those who sacrificed their lives in battle in order for us citizens to have the rights we have today. It just didn't feel right to not acknowledge today being Memorial Day because honestly those in the military are doing so much to protect our country.

And now onto my rant:

So I started this tumblr around two years ago, I believe. My intention for this blog was to get inspired and get motivated to lose weight and get fit. I've always struggled with my self-image and my health in general. But lately, it's just gotten really bad. I just gave up and I let myself "go" as people say. And now I know what that actually means. Like I actually have control of what I do to my body and what I consume and yet once you realize how much weight you gain, you just stop and look at yourself in the mirror, it's like wtfudge just happened? Honestly, as a human, I have no perception of time. It sucks it took me some time to realize like wow, I gained that much weight, and just looking at the extra fat and skin that I could have prevented. 

So as I said, when I first started this blog around two years ago, I wanted to lose around 20 pounds which is reasonable. I started at 140 and I am 5'1", which is overweight, according to BMI, the doctor, and myself (because I felt it. I didn't need someone to tell me I was overweight. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. I didn't like how I felt. I didn't feel healthy). And it didn't help looking at the gorgeous bodies you see in the media. So, I took that as opportunity to improve myself. I had the power to lose weight. So I did everything; control what I was eating and inputting into my body, dieting, joining the gym and exercising nearly every day for a year, but I lost ten pounds. Some people would say, "Wow, that's great." BUT even with that weight lost, I still felt fat and I still didn't like what I saw in the mirror and 20 pounds was my goal, not ten. Then I hit 129. Breaking the 120s was the best feeling in the world. I was happy and feeling good about myself. But yet I knew it wasn't good enough, so I kept working at getting fit. I felt like wow I can never go back to my unhealthy ways.

BUT then, I started my second semester of college Jan 2014, and the classes the past semester literally SUCKED! I didn't work out and I stressed ate. Then my scale read 136. Da*n, I worked so freaking hard to get out of the 130s. It was HARD to lose those ten pounds, but of course easy as h3ll to gain it all back. I would literally die if I could lose those 7 pounds again. A number on a scale shouldn't affect the way I see myself or how I feel about myself or shouldn't define me, but sadly seeing that number go up once again just broke me. Now I'm in my summer semester and it sucks not having a good long summer break to work out again every day like I once did and is thus the reason why I am asking for HELP! 

I don't want to hate myself for what happened, but I do. And I just really need advice on how to keep motivated about this weight loss journey/battle. If you have any advice on diets and exercises and workouts that won't interfere too much with my studies, that would be great. Some folks might say it's okay if being healthy will affect your studies, but honestly, speaking personally (you can agree or disagree with me, but in the long run, I still need you to help me from my perspective) it can't. College isn't cheap nor is it free and it is a career, so it is heavily dependent on me. And obviously, so is my health and that's what the struggle is: trying to balancing everything!

So again, I've lost my motivation and need as much help as I can.

It just sucks how all the healthy food is freaking expensive!! 

Any who, if you have read this whole thing and/or someone who is going to give me advice, thank you so much in advance. And God bless you.

Much <3

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Ards, Ireland

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Sidewalk by Gabriela Tulian on Flickr.

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I wonder what song will get released this year that goes viral and becomes so annoying you want to stab a couch whenever you hear it

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Artist Zaria Forman

Soft Pastel on Paper

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