#so theyre seeping again which sucks

[freaky-flawless]

Alright, finally set my shelf up, which gave me the chance to identify the problem children.

[Image Description: a photo of three undressed Monster High dolls, Toralei as Catastrophe, Campus Stroll Nefera de Nile, and Music Festival Clawdeen lying on a surface next to a bottle of Goo Gone.]

[francy-sketches]

Cersei is just mapleshade but human send tweet

[elysianslove]

HIIIIII IM SORRY FOR SUDDENLY REQUESTING BUT UMMM I READ ALL OF YOUR WRITINFS IN A DAY CAUSE THEYRE SO GOOD 😭😭😭 but now my brain rots at the thought of u writing for sakusa more,,,, so if it’s okay can i request sakusa crushing on a VERY dense reader?? and then the moment he confessed, the reader’s mind jus went BLANK,,, like no thoughts head empty cos she thought sakusa is really far from her league nd he’s jus like ??? HUH?!! the rest is up to u >:))

VJSHDSJH YOURE SO SWEET ILY 

and thank you so much for requesting sakusa!!! i actually love him loads, and i’m really excited at the thought of involving him in my writing more often :))) i hope you like this and i hope he’s not too ooc <333

━━ there’s a long list of things that draw sakusa towards discomfort. if he’s being honest, it’s too long to list out on just the ten fingers he has. the items on the list vary too, from objects, to foods, to situations, to people. meaning, it’s rather a rarity for him to feel at peace, to enjoy the steady calm in his lungs, unless he’s within the familiarity of his own home and four walls. and, rather recently, you. 

he’s not sure when he first noticed it; his feelings for you, that is. sakusa is not an inexperienced person, especially not in the department of feelings. he’s had his fair share of crushes, but the thought of them didn’t particularly raise any joy within him, not when compared to you. they all dim, awfully so, as if they had never even stood a chance. you’re brighter, you’re livelier, and you evoke something within sakusa that, despite the experience he speaks of, is unfamiliar with. it resonates deep inside his lungs, spreading across his limbs, up to his throat, fuzzing up his brain. it’s a pleasant feeling however. he’s not an erratic, flustered mess around you, incapable of fully expressing his feelings, silent, foreboding, grouchy. he’s — light. he feels incredibly so. 

all the other times, when the prospect of a confession had arisen, his main objective had been to rid himself of the burden of feelings. he had wanted to relieve himself of the constant worry and and stress nagging at the back of his mind. but with you, motivation changes. he wants to be with you, he wants to be the sole reason of the smile that spikes his heart rate uncontrollably high, and he wants to know just how soft, just how much smaller, would your hands feel in his, or the way you’d look beneath the sunlight that seeps through his bedroom curtains. the thought of any of this with anybody but you refuse to plague his mind, because only you matter. 

and although he wants you to say yes, wants to experience it all with you, he’s no stranger to rejection, having enforced it upon other people himself, and he’s already running through the hundred and one scenarios that occur as you pull him aside. not minutes earlier had he asked to speak with you privately in a quiet voice, and in you true, thoughtful, understanding nature that only buries his heart deeper in his throat, you’d led the way to the balcony of the apartment belonging to a mutual friend. 

the words he’d practiced get lost in his throat the moment you lightly shut the balcony doors behind you. i want you, i want to wake up next to you someday, i want to see the city from above with you, i want to lay among the stars with you, i want to know the feel of your hand and the feel of your lips, i want to know you, and i want you. 

you’re so beautiful before him, patient, caring, kind, and his eyes gloss over slightly, and his breath is sucked in sharply, before he spills, “i like you.” it’s as unflattering to his ears as it is to his heart. he deflates in disappointment, mentally scolding himself at the way he sounds. which, if he’s honest with himself, is like a grade schooler confessing. 

“are you lying to me? is this a joke?” 

he freezes, processing your words, before his brows furrow, and he stands straighter. “a joke? does that sound like a joke i’d make?” he retorts, narrowing his eyes slightly as he tries to observe you. you almost look — scared. 

“you’re not mocking me?” you ask with bated breath. “you really like me?”

“why is that so surprising?” he wonders, confusion deepening, frustration rising. 

your hands move around expressively, your eyes widening as you reply, “because you’re you! i mean, for one, look at you. and look at where you are in life! you’re — you’re everything i’ve ever imagined, everything i’ve ever wanted but —”

he doesn’t need words beyond that. at the confirmation of your mutual feelings, he swallows his pride, sets it aside, and pushes his mask down to his chin, quickly breathing in the rest of your words against his lips. you feel just the same as in his dream. simply put, you feel perfect. so, so perfect. and when he pulls back, a little breathless from the adrenaline that’s coursing through him at the spontaneity of the whole situation, and you try to speak again, he shushes you, lips hovering by yours as he says, “don’t speak,” and kisses you again, and again, and again. it really is everything his dreams had conjured up for him. 

[protagonistheavy]

Hmm thoughts about anime culture and porn addiction.

Im facing some reality checks lately and yeah, Ive really developed a distaste for loli culture that Im going to have to distance myself from lists of characters I used to like. It's plainly hard to harbor affection for characters that are, ultimately and unfortunately, being directly designed to appeal to pedophiles -- even if my interests are innocent enough, if its an aesthetic appreciation of the character or whatever, there really is a line where I have to be an adult and admit that Im turning a blind-eye towards a very gross culture.

Recently one of those wake-up calls was the newest Koume content on Idolmaster, which features her as a bride. I wish my disappointment could be felt through the internet because I really did sigh sooooo hard lol. Just... what whiplash, the excitement of realizing a favorite character is getting new official art and content or whatever, only to quickly see that it's depicting them as some sort of child-bride. It grossed me out, but even grosser honestly is seeing everyone else just... uncritically admire the art. The same way I probably would have a few years ago.

It's really gotten me to wonder a lot about the anime community, just how deep this goes. I think there's a culture in anime that's very proud about deviancy, and not entirely unlike how you see deviancy be embraced in other adult sectors -- like LGBT+ communities and furry communities. For many people, it appears to be an outlet to "let go" of normal social restraints and immerse oneself into fantasies that are otherwise repressed. And these fantasies range far and wide, not just fetishes or wanting to fuck monster girls, but also nostalgia, which is very powerful with the anime community. So much anime appeals to the nostalgia of being young again, but this time, being important and wiser, or asking the girl out, or having sexual romps that you thought everyone else was enjoying in high school -- an entire genre is dedicated to people, often "losers", dying in the real world and being reincarnated in a fantasy world full of hot women. In the anime community, there's so much interest over even the most mundane interactions, no stone left unturned to sexualize. Cleaning a classroom? Make it sexy. Reading a book? Make it sexy. Clocking into work? Make it sexy. And I understand why people are drawn to this appeal, when so many people within the community feel sexually repressed, unloved, they feel like they've already "missed out" on their best years, they "missed out" on the chances to have crazy harems and make outrageous friends-with-benefits.

... It's porn addiction. It's a culture of porn addiction. And within anime, it has seeped into everything. And so with that considered, it's very difficult to continue even indirectly supporting the most blatant pedo behavior. Like, lol, who can convince me that the child-bride Koume was developed with innocent intent? How can anyone tell me with a straight face that the implication is anything but the fantasy of marrying a 13 year-old? I havent read any of the related dialogue, but I cant help but guess that it only confirms my point, that the appeal is obviously directed to tickle the kind of people who would be okay marrying a middle schooler.

I've had my ups and downs with justifying this kind of stuff with underage characters. I tried squinting and telling myself theyre older, or that whatever Im looking at is fine because I appreciate the aesthetics, not any childlike aspect of the character, or I try to over look the more blatantly nsfw art even though theres plenty of sfw art with implications just as bad. But Ive got to be honest with myself in admitting that this isnt who I am, this isnt what I want to be supporting.

And it sucks, I guess, and it also sounds stupid that I'm "moving away" "from anime" but it really is so simple: there's no way I can trust anime or its extended mediums to not be benefiting pedophiles whenever it has the chance. It's why I can't be assed to even consider watching something like that spy anime, because god knows that pink-haired toddler is getting peoples rocks off -- not just fans, but certainly also the official artists and animators, any storyboard directors, I cant trust any one of them to not have sick intentions behind their handling of a child character, not when its developed in a culture that is unabashedly favorable towards sexualizing children. They dont have to draw anything explicit, it can just be the way they pose her for a scene, or a dialogue bit they make her say, or a dream sequence they insert a fetish into. Like, Im so sick of this lol. Im tired of wading through anime and thinking "oh, well, this scene is definitely written for the porn addicts, I just have to sit through it."

I'm left looking at the SJW-side of anime enjoyers and wondering where theyre going to draw the same line, though. I cant help but think of how widespread this culture is, and how contradictory people can be. Some folks will obviously be disgusted by loli porn, but then happily participate in shota content... Some people will blast your ass for reblogging sexy art of a 17 year-old, but then have their own 16 year-old blorbo that they do fetish RPs with... Some folks would never, ever sexualize a 15 year-old from a Disney cartoon, but are more than fine with 13 year-olds from anime being drawn in bikinis. There's so little consistency, it has always felt like a free-for-all with this discourse. I truly was burned by the fact that so many SJW-types were a-okay with Dragon Maid and its depiction of toddlers engaging in blatant fanservice, so much applause for a cartoon created by an unabashed lolicon just because it had some gay characters -- that told me everything lol, it told me the truth, that pedophilia can just be considered acceptable by anyone, at any point within the community, so long as its to that individual's tastes.

There really does need to be an EXACT discussion about this part of anime culture, but no one wants to engage with it, because virtually everyone would be guilty of having been enamored with an underage character at one point or another. Think of all the porn made of pokemon characters that are implied to be 10-13 years-old canonically, think of all the high school anime characters that rarely go to high school in the first place, think of all the legacy characters from any given person's childhood that they might think is fine to sexualize because it's been 20-30 years. There's so many points and arguments to make, but it truly is a discussion that will just never happen and never be resolved, because ultimately, deviancy is one of the biggest appeals to the anime community -- its a pillar of what "anime culture" is, its why ecchi and hentai are intrinsically linked to most anime spaces, its absolutely a major reason why anime is so popular as it is. To call out deviancy and its implications within the anime community is to prod at one of its base appeals, one of the very core reasons people are into anime to begin with.

I feel like any debate about this topic eventually hits this wall: "why are you trying to take away someone's fun? why are you trying to make something gross?" Thats the strongest virtue of the community. "Just dont take it so seriously" "dont worry about what other people are doing" For so, so many people, it feels like the "point" of anime is to fantasize about all the things youre not supposed to do irl. And I guess Im at a point where I cant keep buying into that lol. I think for many people, their critical awareness has been almost completely dulled down by an addiction to deviant porn that's made them numb to creepy behaviors. Add in a dose of irony poisoning and you have people who openly jerk off to incest loli/shota porn, but tell themselves theyre not ACTUALLY into pedophillic incest because uhh its just anime lol and apparently not at all a reflection of any true self or interests. A culture of porn addiction and unaccountability -- do you see why I just dont want to be so associated with that kind of people?

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

I Taste Honey but I Haven’t Seen the Hive - Chapter Five

Ao3,   MasterPost,   C.1   C.2   C.3   C.4

Relationships: eventual queer-platonic intruality

again, there are not italicized words in here, so it might be a little clunky-sounding. tumblr copy/paste function sucks :/

Warnings: mild body horror, deep-sea setting, deep-sea creatures, non-fatal drowning (its complicated but theyre all okay in the end), mild vomiting, hurt/comfort, cursing, e m o t i o n s- lots of them. 

Word Count: 3,981

Remus didn’t need anybody. Not anyone but him, anyway. He was the one that gave himself everything he wanted, took care of himself, loved himself (in just about every way a person could). Of course he didn’t need other people! That was for weak-willed, insecure, clingy little prisses!

Roman was the one needing all the validation, marveling those little affections, loving his soft and kissy-touchy friendships. Hell, he was happy with that kind of life, that was just how it went for him.

And Remus- Remus was everything that his brother wasn’t, by definition, and no exceptions. He didn’t need coddling, because he got by on his own. He didn’t need to be loved, because he loved himself. He would be happy that way, too, because it was clear enough that there wasn’t another way to be. For him, at least. 

The first thing he did after leaving Patton in the dust, his door still shaking from how hard he’d slammed it, was summon more speakers. No, more than that. No, more than that, too, and bigger! 

There. That was more like it!

With a snap, deafening noise filled Remus’ room. It drowned out everything; the hurried footsteps up the stairs, the desperate knocking at his door, and most importantly, his thoughts.

Remus flopped onto his bed, landing flat on his back. Limbs spread, head lax, he felt the bass running through him like pure energy. And distantly, as the minutes passed, the knocking finally stopped altogether. As did his conscious, his worrying, his weakness. 

Everything was back to usual, just how it’d have been if he’d never held that stupid little catholic in his arms in the first place. Just like before, so it couldn’t be any worse than if he’d never let him be his friend at all. 

And it really was best that way. He could get all his alone time back, finally spend some time to focus on himself again! It would be good for him. It was the natural way of things.

Remus laid on the bed, and in his room he had three days of nothing but alone time.

This project was going to be big; big things needed a lot, a lot of a lot of room. Infinite, maybe- and Remus’ decision, as an all-powerful conduit of Creativity (in his side of the imagination, at least), was that there was nothing more infinite than the ocean. 

The seemingly endless void of yellow-white, papery landscape stretched onwards in all directions. Remus stood dead center in The Imagination, ink already seeping into the world from his presence.

It was the third day, as Remus kept himself holed in his room, that the incessant knocking was too much to deal with anymore. At first, he knew it was only Patton, but as time went on he could feel the presences change. Maybe it was Roman, Janus- probably even Virgil and Logan, at least once. But that day was the crescendo, when all the knocking and the voices calling for him had gotten so frantic and mixed up that even he needed away from the noise.

Whatever. He would talk to them whenever he wanted (if he ever wanted), and they could live without him for the week at least. They’d have to, anyways, because Remus adhered to one policy and one policy alone: fuck everybody else, they don’t matter!

He just needed an energy boost. He was pissed, sure, maybe even upset, but it was nothing he hadn’t dealt with before.

Remus was going to make something fucking putrid that day. As bad as he could ever conjure in that horrible canvas of imagination he had. Violent, unforgivable, stress-relieving, him. The thought waves would fuck with Thomas’ head the whole day, sure, but Remus really couldn’t care less. He’d been taking it easy on the guy ever since the acceptance, and Remus had earned a little fun! 

The artist dropped to his knees, clawed hands scratching over the floor of paper. Everywhere he touched, darkness and muck soaked through the whiteness like ink, darkening the world until the scene was forming. When Remus lifted his hands, the ground rose up with him, adding texture to the surface.

Everything he made came out in his style when he used Thomas’ imagination like this. The creations moved realistically, and all in three-dimension. They were even touchable and destructible and certain other words ending in the same suffix, but all of it was still art. His art, made real.

The lines were thick, dark, sketchy. Each one looked forced into the world without a care, but to their creator they were perfect. The colors would be vile and sickly, each one looking like pools of multicolor vomit. That, or they were vibrant eye-sores, things too garish for even Warhol or Matisse’s works, clashing in the eyes enough that it hurt. 

It depended on Remus’ mood, really, which one it’d be. Today he chose the former, relishing the illness that spilled out of his fingertips. It looked ugly. It felt free. It was him.

Here, Remus got to be everything. Remus was powerful.

Remus dragged his claws upwards, and the scene began to unfold. 

Patton clasped his hands out in front of him, squeezing and releasing them again and again. He’d already been knocking for what had to be more than twenty minutes, while the music inside Remus’ room only got louder. There was a swell of hope when finally it was shut off altogether, but no one had come to the door. In fact, there was a perfect, unnerving silence- there had been for five minutes, at that point. 

The first Remus-less day in the mindscape, Roman and Logan had stood beside Patton as he hovered by the door. The day after, it was Virgil and Janus taking turns trying to coax their way in or him out. But that day, the third day, Patton had long-since explained everything. After some convincing, he was left to deal with the situation on his own, finally. 

It was his responsibility, after all. 

Nobody was too angry with Patton, though in his own opinion he would have earned it and then some. Janus had been harsh with him at first, and Roman had jumped to his brother’s defense with a surprising willingness, but once he explained… 

Patton couldn’t tell which was worse; the disgust he’d been expecting, or the understanding and pity that he’d actually gotten.

Because it wasn’t okay. They all knew that, of course they did, but they didn’t want to push him any more than he had been. Patton could feel it, that they were letting him off easy just because of his remorse. Because much as they cared for Remus- and he could feel and see that, too- they cared even more about not letting him break. But it didn’t matter, because what he’d done… Just because Remus was Remus, it didn’t mean he…

Patton slammed the door with the side of his fist, hard enough to hurt. He did it again,  again, a third time, knowing he wouldn’t get any more response than he had every other time. Still, he couldn’t stop trying.

Then something happened that Patton really should’ve seen coming, but shocked him all the same.

There was a creak, then a groan. Something cracked and something buckled. There was a splintering, metallic crunch, and with one last whine of protest Remus’ door swung open on its hinges. 

Apparently decaying and ocean-worn was more than just an aesthetic. That, or Patton had no concept of his own strength.

Well, regardless. The door was open.

Patton folded his hands against his chest, eyes wide and lips pressed, as he peered anxiously through the entryway. It was hard to see. He leaned further inside, hesitating every other breath, then stepped over the threshold. 

The room was empty. 

The room was empty, but there was another door on the opposite wall.

Or, no- not a door, but a doorway. No handle or knob, just pitch blackness. As Patton approached, it seemed more like a portal than anything, swirling around and making the faintest little whooshes, chirps, and gurgles.

Patton stood feather-light on the carpet before it. He reached a hand out and grazed the surface with his fingers, and instantly jolted back with a yelp.

It was cold and wet, but his fingers came away dry. He wrapped his hand in the sleeve of his hoodie, gazing into the deep darkness. It even smelled, something distinctly briney and animal-like. 

It was… definitely not the most appealing door Patton had seen.

So it must have been where Remus was.

That settled it. With a deep breath, some posturance, and just a bit of false-confidence, Patton dove forwards through the portal.

Remus sat at the bottom of the ocean, inhaling swells of saltwater into his lungs. Every movement of his kicked up the sand like little gray clouds in the blue; physics kept mostly to realism, but maybe a bit more structured, a balance that any good piece of art should have.

Remus threw his head back and stared into the endless, dark water. Shadows of leviathans passed by overhead, black as night and humming a low drone, but never diving down enough to really be seen. Just smudged shapes in the implication of a horror. Their sounds were like distant, garbled radios that spreaded their old songs throughout the sea.

Still, they weren’t anything other than a backdrop. A well-crafted and time-consuming background, but a background nonetheless. Remus stood up with a huff, sending bubbles streaming from his nose and mouth. There was so much left to be done.

And he got caught up in just the plotting at once, angling this way and that to figure where he should drop the sunken submarine. So caught up, in face, that he very nearly didn’t notice the stab of someone else entering his domain.

But only nearly. It was sharp enough to hurt, that feeling like a pebble dropping into his stomach, and even distracted it made him lurch. Remus’ hands stilled their creation, his head craning back, and he saw the pitch dark portal swirling around just meters away. 

Oh, great. Just who he wanted to see.

Remus was still as stone when Patton stumbled through the vortex, almost tripping over his own feet when it disappeared after him. Remus might have laughed, if he was in the mood, but as it was he kept quiet, and watched. Watched Patton right himself, watched the side look up, watched as his gaze filled with recognition when it met Remus’.

Remus folded his arms over his chest, smiling wickedly back.

How long would it take for him to make Patton run screaming, he wondered?

The side was stumbling across the sand already, unaffected by the suffocating water around him, but that was hardly all Remus had to offer. With a dismissive flick of the wrist, he brought into existence a favorite of his underwater pets: the Japanese Spider Crabs.

In his style, they were stretched out even further than the twelve feet they’d be in nature, their long and horrid limbs slimmer to boot. They moved in short, jerky steps, jumping this way and that like each stride was meant to be a jumpscare. They of course wasted no time in scrambling towards one Very Out-of-Place Patton.

When he saw them skidding at him, a stream of bubbles burst from his mouth in a silent wail, and he wrapped his arms around himself. Remus did laugh at that, the way he stopped in his tracks and tried desperately to avoid the monsters; oh, Remus cackled. 

Patton did run, in the end, but not away from the beasts. No, the stubborn little thing kept trekking towards Remus, as though the trait hadn’t just sicked a pack of wicked arthropods on him. 

Well, it didn’t matter- the horrors of the deep were endless! Remus stamped his foot in the sand, triumphant, as a goblin shark sprouted up from nothing. The beast sent its creator something like a smile, before turning on its target.

Patton’s expression went ghost-white. His steps staggered, but the crabs he’d left in the dust were still crawling behind him, and he…

He walked towards the shark?

Remus went still again, incredulous as he watched Patton be almost unphased by a fucking shark. His eyes burned in determination, even as an enormous, hideous creature bared down on him.

Patton wasn’t running, even when it rammed into his chest at full force. He hardly stumbled, and that was the moment Remus knew his bluff had been called.

He could make the creations hurt Morality. Not in any way that lasted, not in any way that would destroy him, but they could hurt him. Remus could hurt him, and he had every reason to, and.

He wasn’t going to. They both knew that.

In a whine or a snarl, a whimper, basically a scream, Remus wiped away his monsters and crumbled. He buried his face in his arms, curled up in a ball and growling like an animal- or maybe more like a kid; a useless, annoying little kid throwing a tantrum for no good reason. 

He couldn’t do anything. Not really. Not anything that mattered.

When Patton reached him, he didn’t move. Patton crouched, placed a hand on his shoulder, but he didn’t let up.

What even was the point to everything? There was no good ending for Remus, he should have known that from the very start. He could either live his life alone, any attention paid to him fleeting and begrudging, but still be the person- no matter what anyone thought otherwise- that he loved most in the world: himself.

Or he could be accepted, befriended, and let everyone quietly compartmentalize him as nothing worse that eccentric. It’d strip him of every integrity and sense of self, sure, but it’d be a version of him that was actually likeable.

It had been so easy to choose the first track all his life. Why did Patton have to go fucking everything up for him?

The grip on his shoulder tightened, like Patton knew what he was thinking. Well, that wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities- Patton must have known what he was feeling, with his stupid empathic power. Out of spite, Remus pushed himself to wallow even worse. Maybe he could get it to rub off on Morality, maybe then he’d see that pushing Remus’ buttons was a bad idea.

But he was so fucking stubborn. He was so fucking stubborn that he whined in sympathy, the sound garbled by the water, and pulled Remus up into a hug. 

Remus didn’t bite or scratch. He stayed tense until Patton was all wrapped up around him. He was crying, probably, but the water made it impossible to tell either way.

“I’m sorry,” barely intelligible, Patton’s whisper came in a spout of bubbles. “I’m really, really sorry. We need to talk.”

Remus clenched his fists, released them, tightened them again. His head was shoved to an angle, neck aching, from the way he was embraced. He pressed his hands- palms forward- on Patton’s shoulders, and let his jagged talons rest on the side’s skin. 

Then he splayed his fingers out, holding onto Patton with the least sharp parts of himself only, and the world began to sway.

The carpet was soaked-through as soon as they landed, splat, in a tangled heap on Remus’ floor. Patton pulled free as quickly as he could, scrambling away. Remus sat up, smirking despite the tears now visibly pouring down his face, and was tempted to tease the moral side: See, your stomach really is too weak to touch me! I tried to warn you!

And then Patton was vomiting.

Well, vomit  was a strong word- all he had in him was bile, water, and phlegm, but it still wasn’t… great. He was doubled over, knees planted on the ground with one hand braced on the floor, the other he used to hug himself tight. He gagged, retching loudly, and rocked forwards with a groan. Salt water poured from his mouth, streamed past his lips, dribbling in a sick-smelling puddle on the floor.

With a final few coughs, he was done. Shaking, still heaving, but done. 

“Uh, are you okay?”

Patton looked up with wide, watery eyes, like he’d forgotten Remus was even there.

“Sorry, again,” he croaked, “I’ve never been underwater that long.”

Fuck. Fuck.

“You- you can’t breath underwater?” Remus tried to ignore the stabs of worry he felt, but they stuck so sharply in his chest that it was infeasible. 

Patton sat back on his heels, weakly shrugging. 

“I think I could, if I had tried hard enough- we can kinda do anything,” his voice was hoarse and broken. “But either way, we can’t really die and I wasn’t sure where that portal would lead, so by the time I got to you I figured it’d just be easier to power through it.”

Remus pressed a hand to his own forehead, reeling.

“That whole time we were in there, you were drowning?”

Patton shrugged again, sheepish.

“More or less. I just wanted to talk to you, so I kinda forgot about it. Also those, uhm, creatures- they were pretty…” He flushed, pupils dilated in fear at just the thought, “Distracting.”

Remus started laughing, and he stopped just as quick. He squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them as wide as he could. He grinned, it felt wrong, he frowned, and that didn’t feel any better. He tasted copper in the back of his throat, but it wasn’t blood or salt or pennies. 

It was guilt.

“I threw fucked-up deep sea monsters at you while you were being asphyxiated, and you didn’t even blink?” Earlier, Remus had thought it was just a bruise to his ego, proving that he really couldn’t leave an impact. But it felt like the exact opposite now, as clearly he had affected Patton, worse than he ever should have. “You kept going?” His hands- and voice- were shaking. “To get to me?”

Patton met his eyes. He tipped his head to one side, and just smiled.

Remus’ breath hitched. Oh, he’d left an impact, one that unlike any other he’d ever tried to leave on Morality, and he didn’t know what to do with it. He’d made an impact on Patton, somehow, somewhere, to the point where Patton was so attached- attached, a positive one this time- that he would endure all that he just did for him. Patton would. For him.

“But why!?” 

The shout hit the room like a hammer smashing glass, and Remus realized just how softly he had to have been speaking before. Now, though, he leapt to his feet, his wrists twisting in involuntary jolts of frustration. He was pacing in stomps, his head thrown back while a stream of words poured out of his mouth.

“Why do you keep doing this? What do you want from me, Patton? Do you want me to be a misunderstood soft-hearted baby, all along just doing fucked-up stuff for attention? Because, yeah, I’d love a little attention- who doesn’t?- but this is more than that, this is who I am, I’m just like this! I can’t change that, I don’t want to change that, and we both know that you don’t like the kind of things that I am. You like- you like what I could maybe possibly be, if you fixed me, and you can’t just-!”

“You didn’t hurt me.”

Remus went quiet. Patton’s breaths were coming in short gasps, his hands shaking as he struggled to his feet. 

“You used to scare me so much,” he leaned on the bed frame to stay upright, and he looked green. Sickness or frogness, it was unclear which. “I didn’t understand then. Even the other night, when you gave me- gave me that gift, I didn’t get it. But when you ran, that’s what made me see, Remus.

“I always thought you were dangerous, that you didn’t have any compassion, maybe you just wanted to hurt us. The dead animal- taxidermy,” he corrected himself, “Kinda… fed into that. I was thinking so simple, though, I- I always do that-, and you just aren’t. Simple, I mean. But that’s good!” Patton’s eyes went wistful, a grin ghosting his lips. “You do these things because they’re you, because you like to do them and it’s just the way you know how to do things, not because you actually wanted to make me feel bad. You are just misunderstood- not because you don’t actually mean the stuff you do, but because I didn’t understand what or why it was you did it! That’s why, even when you were so mad, you didn’t make those-” he ticked, “Those spider-things, hurt me.

“That’s why I like you, Remus. You aren’t how you seem, but you are. You try for me. And I am so, so sorry I couldn’t see what that meant, until now.” 

Remus stared at him. He had half a mind to argue, tell Patton that yes, he did like to hurt things, but. But it was obvious what Patton meant. That Patton trusted him. That he trusted Remus not to hurt him. And, in that regard, he was absolutely right.

Remus slipped over the small distance between them, hesitating a second before grabbing the sickly side’s waist. Gently, carefully, he guided him to sit down on the bed, taking a place beside him. Much better to talk without the risk of Patton keeling over at any time, after everything he’d been through. 

The silence didn’t seem to bother Patton, his head falling back and his breathing labored. He didn’t seem to expect a response at all. 

“Don’t apologize to me,” Remus said.

Patton blinked at him, slow, looking confused. “I think I owe you more than one apology, after all that mess.”

“I was trying to freak you out, you know, when I gave you the rat,” Remus snapped, his hands balled up. The guilt was overwhelming now- if this was how Patton felt all the time, he couldn’t imagine surviving it. “Not like how I usually do, but- I wanted to see what would break you, so that you’d stop trying to be my friend. So you’d stop, you know…” He growled the next bit under his breath, “Getting me attached to you, and everything. I just- didn’t expect your reaction to actually, like, affect me.” 

Remus glared at the ceiling, hating more than anything the way that shame felt inside something like him. 

“Remus, it’s okay, I still shouldn’t have-”

“No, shut up, listen,” he could feel bad about being rude another time, maybe, but this was important. Patton listened. “It doesn’t matter that I didn’t let a shark disembowel you, or whatever, you still- you got hurt. I freaked you out, and sure, you overreacted- but then that’s exactly what I did. And so of course you felt bad, you’ve got the sympathy of a fucking saint, and you tried to fix things, and I got you more hurt. Scared you just like old times, right?” He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling rough at every edge. “I’m sick of it. You’re trying so hard to be good to me, and dammit if I’m not gonna do the same, okay? Obviously you can handle me at my worst, so, I owe you my best- whatever the hell that is.”

A hand settled over his own.

“I forgive you.”

“Patton, you don’t have to-”

“Remus,” he murmured, “I forgive you.” 

Remus huffed. He felt some of the tension melt from his shoulders, and decided, fuck, why not. “You’re sure?”

Patton didn’t even hesitate: “Yeah.”

“I forgive you, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Remus exhaled, slow and steady. “Fuck, of course I do.”

Chapter Six

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @gayformlessblob 

[hiraethstill]

THIS WEEK ON DAIYA NO ACE (7/30)

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

LIVEBLOG:

mochi... you care so much and i love you

and miyuki does too

BOI AND BOTH OF THEM CARING ABOUT EIJUN AND GETTING HIS MESSAGE

man... im not okay

im n ot okay

god kurami WHY YOU GOTTA ATTACC ME FIRST THING

their cheeky bastard while secretly caring dynamic im

breathes heavily

and making each other feel better through joking

still not okay

furuya apologized? okay okay

lmao furusawa sniping at each other

eijun... maybe part of the reason you are how you are is because you put so much on your shoulders

"the part about you sucking is true" oh dear

asakuki faces always priceless haha

BLESS WATANABE HISASHI

"nabe-san" im SOFT

and ive been told -san is more respectful than senpai sOOO

AWAAH MANAGERSSS

WAIT

OMG

IM

NO

SCREM

AAAAAAAA

NABE-CHAN???????? 

N A B E  F U C K I N G  CH A N ???/??/???

MOCHINABE R I G HT SSSSSSSS

okay but i'm proud of angery child anna and her huge rice ball

they really doin kuki dirty with this animation

HSKDJGH TAKU LMAOO

ah yes masashi i feel this on a spiritual level

wHY IS ASADA SO HECKIN CUTE

whoever's on the mound is ace huh

yess jersey numbers gone

hansom boyos

oh they HAD to put takatsu there...

i live when kurami is in a screen together, which is like always

NABE NO HONORIFIC

HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DOES NABE HAVE LMAO

"CAN I COME TO YOUR ROOM LATER" lmaooo

I LOVE NORI SO MUCH

ooh pretty eijun shot

NABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MIYUKI DAS GAY

NABE COMPLIMENTING SAWAMURA

more pretty eijun

im sobbing, eijun always thinking he doesnt meet expectations and everyone else knowing he outshines them 

COMMUNICATE TO HIM PEOPLE

lmaooo zono

also kurami das gay

MI Y U K I

DAS G A   Y

AAAAA TETSU-SANNNN COME BACK AND NOT JUST IN NARRATION

hiranocchi... are you suddenly kise ryouta, mei?

THAT "WHAT??!!" IM MCFUCKING DYING

lmao miyuki's teacher voice came out

INAJITSU BATTERS DOIN JOBSSS

ITSUKI WTF THAT WAS TOO CUTE YOU'RE BANCELLED

nori pitching for practice!!

yes eijun get in that work

SHKDGJSDG EIJUN'S FACE IN MIYUKIS ROOM

AND WHEN DID ALL THESE PEOPLE GET HERE

oh koushuu

omg teacher miyuki strikes again

tbh i want a fic where miyuki is a teacher...

the pitchers are so :0 and :| idk how else to explain it but they're so focused its so cute

koushuu buddy wyd get in there

I LOVE THE FIRSTIES BEING SO IN AWE OF EIJUN

W

WA

WAI

WAIT

C

CH

CHR

CHRI

CHRIS

CHRIS-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

I MISSED YOU CHRIS-SAN

HE LOOKS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL WTFFFF

and miyuki is there on the side too hehehe

god i forgot how lovely and deep and gentle/quiet? chris's voice is

SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM

EIJUN STILL THINKS ABOUT CHRIS-SAN'S WORDS

EIJUN STILL LETS THEM GOVERN HOW HE PLAYS BASEBALL

IM NOT OKAY

CALL THE AMBULANCE I AM  N    O     T OKA Y YYY

C HRISAWA

AND TETSU-SAN OMGGGGGGGGGG

WHYYYYYYYY

TANBA-SAAAAAAAAAN

WAIT tanba's words sound awfully like what kataoka said earlier

who was drawing from who?

"seep deeper" i MIGHT ACTUALLY CRY

"and become a part of me" I AM T HIS FUCKING CLOSE

BREATHES

OKAY

OKAY

beautiful

also itsuki batting great!!

I WAS LITERALLY JUST THINKING "WHEN WILL I SEE MY OTHER INAJITSU BOIS"

ay inajitsu win!

aw man amahisa didnt pitch? :c

best pitcher in japan? somewhere in the bg hongou is laughing his ass off

im sorry that was rude

but hongou really is the best

lmao koushuu "i like the look in your eyes" is gay

HMM.... koushuu wanting to be as candid about his desires

love that in a character

omg blunt as always"your behavior yesterday was quite good" this paired with the thing about desire and liking the look in your eyes screams kousawa rights lmaoo

koushuu bls - don't tell your senpai off damn lmao

harder to read might be harder sure, but eijun doesnt really work that way, no?

"you do rate me" "lets drop everything between us" WHY DOES THIS KEEP GETTING GAYER

KOUSHUU'S IMAGINATION STRIKES AGAIN

THIS GROWL AHAHAHA

"i havent earned the right" okay while this is sweet youre gonna have to catch for him more bc miyuki aint around for much longer so better start earlier

wow pretty

LMAO "WE HAD A REALLY GOOD THING GOING"

koushuu the emo

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THEY

THEMST

THEMSTDVE

WHERE ARE THE ADOPTION PAPERS I SIGNED LONG AGO

THEYRE SO TINY IM

OH MY GOD

IM LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND

BLUSHY KOUSHUU AND CHEEKY TAKU BUT L I TTLER

THE LITTLE GIGGLE IM DEVASTATED

LITTLE TAKU'S VOICE

hmmst koushuu's mom looks white tbh

half like chris and carlos????

koushuu unbearably cute and i just noticed taku has different glasses, no? wonder what happened to the old ones

wow look at koushuu's grim determined face

and taku's expression... he'd follow koushuu to the ends of the earth im telling you...

damn son that's some face you got thereso dramatic tho pls dont die

taku's little "wuh?" sound when koushuu said he was going to seidou is the Cutest Thing Ever

"kind of??" LMAO

boi... what about nori... and kaneda... and kawashima........ SEIDOU IS INTERESTING PITCHER LAND

SOBBINGGGG OF COURSE YOU CAN ENJOY IT DONT LET THE PAST HAUNT YOU

I LOVE YOUUUU

also highkey all those miyuki shots from koushuu's perspective das gay

SOBSSS YOUR STRENGTH WILL TAKE YOU FAR I SWEAR

preview

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ALL THESE KUKI SHOTS

IS IT INTRASQUAD NEXT

IM SO READY IM SO HYPED

SHOW ME ASADA'S CURVEBALL AND KUKI'S PITCHING

AAAAAAA IM SO HYPEDDD

SUMMARY:

kurami Feels

furusawa yelling about who lost bigger

nabe has 238203 bfs

jersey #'s gone

Miyuki's Teacher Voice

EIJUN STILL THINKS ABOUT CHRIS-SAN

ALUMNI CAMEOS

inajitsu win!

KOUTAKU BUT SMOLER

koushuu the Emo Gay

kukis next week!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

[isaacathom]

oh bitches ive got dreams for You

ok so first, theres this train. a couple is riding on top of the last train car, and are holding onto/are attached by wire to a cart thats trundling along behind the train, which is carrying all their shit. theyre basically fucking around. supposedly i am in the last train car, we’re in tasmania, and we’re going directly from north to south. the plan is to stop in the middle and head west, then return to the original train line and ontinue on south. in one day. its a very specific trip.

the train rounds a corner and shit goes Tits up. the lady falls off the train into a nearby lake, and the last train car teeter totters and almost falls. the tiny cart at the back iiissss probably crashed further back.

when the train finally stops, i go and bandage the mans hands and then we run to the lake and help pull the lady out. becausew we’re all battered, we decide to just continue south and not do the west detour.

thats dream 1. Dream 2 is whacky

the core idea is that i have appeared in an alternate universe and am trying to find my way back. im surrounded by a man similar to my uncle, Lyndelle (the character, not the girl she took her name from), and some other guy our age. we’re not really sure whats happening, but the general idea is that i need to find the version of me in this universe and use some of their items (which would be very similar to mine) in order to force the universe to correct itself and force me back. issue is we dont know who alt!me is? so i head out onto the street to figure that out. im holding a book (possibly one of alt!mes possessions?) but i drop it in the lake and have to dive in to get it (its not that deep but it was a mess). eventually i get it and a nice lady helps me out nd tells me i look similar to a lady named Penny. I ask if i could possibly meet Penny, and am told that Penny has been quite unwell recently so I can’t. I return to the ‘base’ where the rest of them are, and relay this. we basically assume that me being in this universe is sucking the life force of alt!me, so im on a deadline. we head back to the streets to see if we can find Penny’s home, and eventually determine is a little house directly across from this big manor. we dont wanna go the front way (since we /suspect/ we’ll have to break in), so we sneak int rhough the manor back garden. unfortunately, the exit is full of people (notably Theresa May???? for some reason??????) so we retreat and just go a long way around through trees.

Penny is passed the fuck out, but we rifle and find a tangled butterfly necklace (one i do in fact own). the assumption we then draw is that in order to return, we need to untangle it. but it gets worse and worse (some universe crunch shit). we try and wake penny and she briefly comes to in order to assist before passing out again (im straight up seeping her energy)

i think the king (?) from the manor ends up enteringthe house (which i ASSUME means Penny is like, pseudo royalty, lucky fuck) and shit gets really complicated. after some fiddling and some near murder of Penny by process of life force absorption, i am Finally returned to the proper universe. i am now in my house saying farewell to my uncle and some of the family as they head off. my brother is talking about how hes ready to visit Las Vegas and I think Los Angeles as well. my cousin tells me happy birthday even though its implied to be like Christmas time. I’m holding my universe’s version of the tangled butterfly necklace, which is now actually two necklaces intertwined. i untangle it and rejoice (a lil too much) and when pressed i say im excited because its taken me 12 years. in reality im excited because now that ive untangled the necklace, the force that brought me into Penny’s version of the world cannot get to me anymore, which means Penny and I are safe.

it was fucking weird???? damn