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#so. idk where i'm going with these tags just wanted to get it out there. sorry if you followed me for a ship i barely post about 😔
when I want to write something self indulgent to give me all the angsty and cuddly hurt/comfort feels but I can't because I end up feeling guilty because I'm seeking after feels that I feel in an inappropriate place because my mom told me one time when I was 15 that I shouldn't search that out or it's probably sexual sin but it confuses me because ALL the feels happen that way for me even if it's entirely platonic and nonsexual and so I don't know if it's okay to want to write to that because apparently all pleasure of any sort, even over platonic stories, is sexual or comes with a possibly probably sexual feeling and I also am having a hard time figuring out what's genuine conviction from God and what's just my anxiety/OCD/perfectionism/fear of failure
#like I feel like it's conviction. but also when I analyze it... I'm not doing anything sexual??? the stories I'm writing are#ENTIRELY platonic#it's like. found family feels.#but then why do I feel so guilty/convicted over it and feel better/less guilty when I stop writing anything feelsy#like... I guess I'm only allowed to write plot and can't ever write hugs and hurt/comfort anymore#my mom keeps saying I should journal all this instead of venting it at everybody and honestly maybe she's right#idk how to handle this but also I feel like if I just find a holding pattern where I can strike a healthy balance of lile#like* what is correct and healthy for me to enjoy#then the anxiety over it might pass? I don't want to avoid conviction though but like. why am I convicted over#writing a story where someone who's been treated like a monster finds a family who loves them#like.. is it because I'm seeking out whatever that feeling in my lower belly/groin is????#but that's like... so tied up in enjoyment and hurt/comfort to me that idk if I'm ACTUALLY looking for that#or if this is just what I write#and idk if that even is sinful in any way at all!!!#and why can't I just get over this? like I keep going in circles with it and it's so frustrating#idk this is totally tmi I just got hit with this awful feeling after work today and the only thing I can pinpoint it to#is this specific thing I've been writing. but even though yeah I've been getting feelsy with it... it's PLATONIC#ENTIRELY COMPLETELY NONSEXUAL. so like... is it that pleasure feeling that's the thing I'm being convicted over??#probably. bc that's the only thing that eases the feeling of conviction/anxiety/guilt#and also probably no one is reading all these tags lol sorry guys I'll go away now
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fuck-customers · 15 hours
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Desert County Lob Jot person again. I just really have two customers that I had to get off my chest. First the Mattress Karen and then let me tell you about Moldy Spoon Lady.
This lady comes in constantly and tries to return things that she found laying around her house that she doesn't want anymore. Doesn't matter if it a) came from us b) was purchased in the last 30 days or even this year c) is damaged beyond saleability or d) is apparently covered in a thick, stinky layer of mold.
She walks up to the service desk and I've already had an issue with her where she told me not to ring up a box of cookies because she "forgot it yesterday so I already paid for it" and of course she had no receipt that time either. So got upset when I said unless I have proof of this like having management watch the security cameras, I have to charge her for it or she has to leave without it. Shocker: she didn't want the manager doing that.
So this time she has a reusable bag, and so I call out asking if she has a return. She says yes and ohmyGOD when she took her hand off the top rim of the bag and it starting opening...I almost had to run to the bathroom from the smell. It was beYOND foul. Inside the bag was a completely molded wooden cooking spoon. She thought all she had to say was "for some reason this spoon I got from you for $6.99 (I'm sorry...seven dollars for a spoon? In THIS place? Not possible) is completely covered in mold. I can't use it. I need to return it for $6.99". I immediately say we can't do that. I told her we can't take items that are not in resellable condition and she doesn't have the receipt or item tags, so I can't even look it up through her member card. I even tried and showed her my screen to demonstrate. I also informed her that wooden spoons shouldn't be left soaking in water in the sink because this is what happens. I didn't realize that wasn't common knowledge but I've been running into more and more people that didn't know wooden spoons are porous and absorb water still. So I just thought it was harmless advice in case she didn't know, but of course she was insulted.
"You know, I always have problems with you and I've NEVER had problems with anyone here" (she had problems with everyone here)
I tried to just say sorry but I can't take a spoon without proof it's even ours.
"You know, you're bad at your job. EVERYONE says your bad at your job."
Idk what possessed me but I gave a short laugh and said "no they didnt"
"Yes they did!!!" God, what are you, a toddler?
I knew she'd take it more seriously from a manager, so I call an assistant manager over the intercom.
"What if I find the spoon and come up with the bar code?"
I shrug and say "sure go do that". She walks off and when the assistant manager gets up to the desk I tell her the situation and she laughs when she hears who the customer is. She is a regular and a massive pain in the ass. Certifiable. She's been a problem here for a long time apparently and everyone dreads when they see her come in the door.
Moldy walks back up and not only does she have a sort of similar wooden spoon in one hand, she has a 10 pack of wooden spoons in the other. The single is $1.99, the pack was $5.99.
"I can take this $5.99 pack as an exchange for it and then you just give me the dollar back." She was ALREADY putting the pack in her fucking bag. I grabbed it before it could touch the moldy one still in the bag and said nope, she can't have those because we have no proof the original spoon cost $6.99. We definitely wouldn't price it that high.
I and the assistant manager both had the thought to say just take the $1.99 spoon this time but that if she doesn't have a receipt and it's damaged, we can't do anything next time.
Why does this particular chain have the most braindead, absolute lunatics for customers? I've been in retail for 15 years and have never seen people pull the things I've seen here. It's incredible what customers try to get away with here. And it's a BARGAIN OUTLET. We are literally cheaper than anything else around and people still try to get cheaper?
And if they can't get it cheap, they steal it. Whatever. The only theft that bothers me is when people open up food and eat a couple things out of it and put it back on the shelf. Because then that means I have to throw that food out. The amount of food items I constantly have to throw away because people opened them up or take a few bits out of it makes me so angry. Seen as how I've been overdrafting the past couple months I get that everyone is beyond poor now, but jfc do you have to make another poor person deal with your shit? I can't wait to be out of here. Besides the customers having soup for brains here, the past couple days have shown me the underbelly of the management side of things and I don't like it. Definitely won't be coming back.
Posted by admin Rodney
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bunnis-monsters · 1 day
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Good morning, I hope you're doing well.
I've been a shy onlooker of your work for quite some time, however as of recently I've been noticing with a couple of the bee-hybrid ficlets that you've been writing, one or two of them that involved (specifically) child/infant characters were tagged with the 'monster fucker' and various such related tags..?
I love the bee stuff, I do! Please don't take this as a hate message because I really don't mean for it to come off as such. But if you're going to include infant/child characters under the age of 18 in your fics, please don't include them in NSFW scenarios, fics, or situations or put them in NSFW tags. I don't think that's entirely legal in some places and I say that out of the goodness of my heart for your protection and your readers.
There was a woman banned off Youtube who was criminally charged for breastfeeding her child and uploading it and I know this is in no way as severe but I honestly don't want to see you get banned and all your fics wiped off tumblr because you put 'minor characters' in NSFW situations/tags. :(
You could try maybe just not tagging the stuff with baby bees?? You have a huge follow base and a discord (that i'm too shy to join) so I'm sure people would still find that content if they're following you.
I'm sorry for bothering you, I hope you have a good day.
Uh.
I tag all of my fics as monster fucking… because that’s the genre. The baby bees are a result of said monster fucking.
I specifically use monster fucking on all of my posts so people who don’t like the monster fucking genre can easily filter my posts out.
I do not include any smut tags like I do on my other posts, and SPECIFICALLY tag them as “monster sfw” or “monster fluff” when I remember.
Not only have I never sexualized or plan on sexualizing the baby bees, if you or anyone else sees anything regarding them as sexual… idk what to say. They’re the most innocent posts on my page.
Read my REQUEST INFO so you can understand that I do not write for pedophilic relationships or situations. The baby bees are children.
I think you’re reading a bit into it. I’m not sure about that case of a YouTuber being banned for breast feeding, but that’s a real person with real children. These are fanfics. There could have been more behind that, and I know for sure there are cases where parents exploit their children on the internet in ways that are in the grey area, like for example, breastfeeding them and sexualizing it purposefully(breastfeeding isn’t inherently sexual, but it can be sexualized and sold as such to an audience) or having them do things that are suggestive for their pedophile audience to continue using them as a cash cow.
This is not that. The baby bees are fictional, and not once have they been sexualized. I am not interested in doing so. They’ll still be under the monster fucker tag because the baby bees are tied to the bee hybrids which ARE very NSFW. It’s a genre.
I use tags that relate to my post and can help them be easily filtered by those that DON’T want to see my content.
Never ask something like this again, it made me deeply uncomfortable.
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spaceorphan18 · 3 days
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The Lady Whistledown Papers : 1x07 Ocean's Apart (Part 3)
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Welcome back, Gentle Readers, to The Lady Whistledown Papers, where I’m taking an in-depth look at Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton’s character arcs and romance within the show Bridgerton!
For previous issues, follow tag : The Lady Whistledown Papers
The Queen's Luncheon
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The family is back together again (except, you know, for Francesca, but who's really paying attention....) Violet seems genuinely happy to be out in society with 7/8ths of her children.
Colin snarks that they should tempt scandal more often -- and I mean, he might be in a pissy mood, but I appreciate he hasn't lost his sense of humor.
I don't really ever get to talk about Lady Danbury, but she has a moment where she talks to Daphne about how her plan of showing up and, idk, being there? is helping no one talk about Colin and Marina. Sure. Okay. I still don't really get these society rules. But if Daphne is now the A-List celebrity kicking the c-tier out of the tabloids, then okay. Lol but mostly, I just like Lady Danbury and wanted to say that.
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It is twenty minutes into the episode and this is our first bit of Penelope. And look how gorgeous this girl is, my god. She's got such a beautiful smile.
Anyway... not a long scene, but there are some key elements going on.
For one, the Featheringtons have caused quite a stir showing up. Ooff, the ton is not happy about them trying to foist a pregnant girl onto a Bridgerton. The nerve.
Secondly, Eloise whisks Penelope away -- it's nice that they're friends again. I love that Eloise is so concerned for her, and wants to make sure Penelope is okay, and there's this real moment of care and affection from Eloise to Pen. Eloise is so caught up in Eloise-land half the time that she doesn't always notice what's going on with Penelope, but she does still very much care.
Pen is good about it -- and (unsurprisingly) only concerned about Colin and how he's doing. (It's like she cares about him or something, idk...;) ) And it's fascinating at how dismissive Eloise is of it -- saying his ego's bruised, but the men are usually fine in this. And, I mean, she's not wrong. Look - I'm not downplaying Colin or his right to have feelings, because I think he should have feelings, and it's good that -- unlike so many other men in this universe, he expresses those feelings.
But I can also see it from Eloise's POV, too -- Colin is the one who, from a society perspective, gets off the easiest here. He will be fine, he's protected by his gender and by his family name. Whereas the Featheringtons, who are already somewhat outcasts to begin with, are bearing some truly awful treatment from society.
And then we get into Lady Whistledown, and I always love these conversations, because there's always another layer once you know that Penelope is LW. Eloise reports that people think she's gone too far this time -- and Pen looks away, because she knows it was a risky thing doing what she did. But interestingly, she reminds Eloise that Eloise was once LW's biggest admirer.
And Eloise really steps into her friendship, saying that LW has gone too far when she smears the name of her greatest friend. And Pen is genuinely moved by this. And Eloise also promises that when they find out LW's identity - a retraction will be made, and they'll restore the Featherington name. And Pen is just - she's so happy that Eloise is so dear to her. It's really heartwarming when these two can have such beautiful moments together.
Meanwhile, The Featheringtons are going to get kicked out of the luncheon. Ooff.
Cressida is going to be snarky about it - but Daphne puts her in her place, and really she should learn not to fuck with the Featheringtons (or the Bridgertons) because it will not end well for her.
[I should also point out - the Marina storyline takes a detour with Daphne getting involved to find George Crane. It's nice that the two storylines converge at this point, but neither Colin or Pen are involved at this particular point, so I'm skipping over it.]
Searching for Lady Whistledown
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One storyline that I've mostly been neglecting to talk about (and is probably my favorite Season 1 storyline) is Eloise searching for Lady Whistledown. She's gotten in so deep that she's been asked by the Queen to track her down, and the Queen is now threatening Eloise if she doesn't start giving results, so Eloise is pushing all in on it.
Of course, now that she and Pen are doing alright again (interesting their little tiff in episode 5? goes unspoken about -- but I mean, they're such great friends that sometimes you get into fights and let it go because the friendship means more, you know?)
Anyway, Eloise has enlisted Pen's help in going over all the data... (which is kind of funny - as Pen is just enjoying herself watching Eloise spin in circles while the culprit is sitting right there!)
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It's clever, really, the Penelope can give so much and so little away at the same time. She managed to not have the whole Marina thing tracked back to her -- shifting the focus onto the servants who (as we saw early on in the series) all gossip. Eloise has ruled out servants, but who isn't ruled out? Tradespeople! So there are new leads and new possibilities!
Also, the end of this scene is... odd, in that all it's really doing is setting up Eloise going to an opera, even though she's not out. I mean, the only reason Pen says what she says is to get Eloise to go be in the next scene so that Eloise can have a scene with the Queen. It's... a tiny bit awkward. But eh, I guess I'll just throw it to - Penelope wanting Eloise to enjoy being in society, since she's already stuck there.
And then the ending of the scene, where Penelope is meh about restoring the family name (I mean, the girl knows her family is a mess even without scandal) and laments having to sneak out the back way so not to be scene. (The amount of times this girl sneaks in and out of this house, I mean really...ten bucks says she sneaks past Colin's room on her way out.)
But anyway, on her way out, she does thank Eloise. She really is grateful to have such a great friend. And even if she knows that LW really can't be revealed, at least she has satisfaction in knowing there is at least one person in the world who truly cares about her and her well being.
[Also, as an aside, towards the end of the episode - Eloise is going to reflect on this conversation, and in kind of a brilliant misdirection, she's going to come up with the idea that Madame Delacroix could be LW.]
An Apology
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Another Colin and Anthony scene! And you know what, I know. I know I know I know that this show is supposed to be about the romances, and I mean, I cannot wait to get to season 3 and really dig into Pen and Colin, we'll get there.
But I adore the sibling scenes. I really do. It's a big draw for me. And I just don't think there are enough ABC brother scenes in general. (God, I hope there are more in Season 4...anyway...) This little scene is a just a really nice mirror to the scene where Anthony reprimanded Colin a couple episodes earlier.
What is Colin up to at the beginning of this scene? It looks like a map? Colin is going to spend his evening bunkering down and really getting his travel plans in order, because now that he has no reason to stay, there's nothing holding him back from going...
Here's the thing about Colin and traveling. I do genuinely think, as a part of his personality, that he does enjoy the idea behind traveling - of seeing the world and seeing what's out there. But I think a big component to Colin's travels is that he is looking for something. What is that thing? His purpose? His place in this world? His reason for being? The answers to life's greatest mysteries? All of the above?
He is the third son -- Anthony has role as leader of the family and his duties to the Bridgerton estate. Benedict is the 'spare' but also is finding himself through artistic pursuits. Colin doesn't have the weight of responsibility on his shoulders. But so he is looking elsewhere to give his life some meaning.
The somewhat funny thing about Colin traveling, though, is what he's searching for is right where he left it. He just doesn't know it yet.
But! I do think traveling (both times) is really good for him. Seeing the world does open it up, and gives you new experiences, and lets you see the world in ways you've never seen it before. And (in both cases) it's going to help him grow up a bit. (It's also going to give him the opportunity to really fall in love again -- but he also doesn't know that yet...)
Here's the other thing about this moment... Colin isn't going to the concert because he isn't feeling up to it. He's still very much in his feelings, and when Colin is in his feelings, he retreats. Big time. (It is another reason he's traveling, too, to make an escape.) Not that he shouldn't be, his heart has been very much shattered and things like that do need time to get over.
But it's just another character trait that has been firmly set up in this season that's going to end up magnified in Season 3.
And, omg, I've barely gotten into the scene, lol...
Anthony hands over an apology drink (lol) and Colin starts getting snarky again - locusts in the street? is it the endtimes? what is happening?? Again - I love that Colin retains a sense of humor and a bit of sass. The boy may be wallowing, but he hasn't lost his cheekiness that gives him his charm.
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Anthony, to his credit, doubles down on a sincere apology. And Colin becomes self deprecating again -- acknowledging that Anthony was trying to 'protect' him from his foolishness. (And Colin does seem to recognize that jumping so quickly into an engagement was somewhat foolish, even if it's going to take him a while to really get over Marina.)
And I love Anthony's banter back -- ribbing Colin about being foolish. Because it's such a sibling response. And there little banter back and forth -- again such siblingness! And I love it. Love that this show doesn't back away from balancing sincerity with levity and the push and pull that comes with real sibling dynamics.
And then Anthony becomes somewhat prophetic. He's speaking to Colin as if he was speaking to himself, saying that a broken heart will indeed mend, and at some point in the future, you'll barely remember her name. Because Anthony is in the same place Colin is -- nursing his hurt over Siena, and it occupies all of his thoughts. But pretty soon, we'll be in Season 2, and Anthony will discover Kate. And Colin will travel and (somewhat unknowingly) start a correspondence with his future wife. And the names Siena and Marina will be flickering memories of things that seem odd were once a big deal.
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The other thing that Anthony does is such a sweet, big brother thing -- he reaffirms that, in the wake of it all, reassure Colin that his family loves him. Which is a big deal - because not everyone (as we'll see) will have families to rely on, but the Bridgertons are a unit, one that unconditionally supports each other, and that's a huge thing.
He also minds Colin that he has the honor of his actions. Which is an important thing to Colin. He has Anthony's respect and that means something.
The scene ends with Colin's empathetic side (as shown through brotherly teasing) coming out -- as Colin asks Anthony how is own advice is working. They may have not directly discussed it, but Colin must know about Siena, and must know that Anthony is also in pain. Anthony doesn't know how it'll play out... but we do, as we know what's coming :D
As we're nearing the end of the season this scene is most definitely setting up the future for our characters, a laying the ground work that even if these story lines are coming to a close, better things are most definitely on the horizon.
[Also - I kind of enjoy the fact that these two are going to spend the evening drinking and being miserable together. Kinda wished we got to see these shenanigans more so than the Simon/Daphne drama, but ah, I suppose that's what fanfic is for]
A Special Cocktail
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The episode is going to end with Marina making herself a special potion -- of what? We won't know until the next episode. And Penelope is going to find her! Oh no, the drama! I do like how much Penelope cares, though. Even though they've done nothing between Penelope and Marina since their last exchange where Marina was a bit cruel to her, Penelope doesn't want her dead. And does want her to be okay.
Anyway, it's so weird not to have Penelope featured that much in the episode -- she was barely in it, and her story line didn't really progress at all.
But - with this (and Daphne's dramatic reveal of not being pregnant), we're crashing into the finale!
[Also, huh, it is fascinating that they're paralleling Daphne and Marina's storylines here -- both women wish for the opposite - Daphne wishing she was pregnant, Marina wishing she wasn't, and neither are getting their wish. It's some good storytelling technique here. Shame I don't necessarily care about either of these stories that much. But I can appreciate good storytelling when it's happening. Bravo show, bravo.]
On to episode 8! Whooo! (I'm happy - I'm so ready to move beyond season 1)
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moe-broey · 14 days
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Sketch I accidentally put too close between other doodles
#i gotta get better at figuring out where battle scars would go... esp bc i'm so detailed about moe all the time LMFAO#one thing about the moefonse dynamic. is i think each envies the other to a degree.#in my notes i once described alfonse's feelings about moe as seeing an angel.#a beacon of the beauty life has to offer and hope. the magic and awe of seeing someone who is overtly and unapologetically queer#the beauty of seeing someone just fagging it up. with attitude. outspoken and crude.#writing that note was extremely funny though like. moe? we're talking about the same guy?#my shitass fuckhead homunculus who has every disease? guy who failed in every facet of life EXCEPT for the Bad things?#bc that's all it is and all it ever will be? a bad fucking thing. that guy????#well. it's a matter of perspective... perhaps.....#another focal part is how each have made all-or-nothing sacrifices to live the way they live.#alfonse will never be his own person so long as he's a prince and eventually king. he will always be whatever he Needs to be.#but he's also someone who's wired in such a way that. this makes sense for him. this IS what he wants and embraces it#esp for the good of all. 'those w power should use it to protect those who don't' (ashnard interaction)#that's his mentality. that's what he believes in. that's what he's going to embody no matter the cost.#meanwhile... moe. well. you know about moe. it's a tale as old as time for queer people unfortunately.#endlessly complicated on moe's end as well. the way it both resents and envies what alfonse is able to do.#idk i can talk about it forever. but i gotta organize my tags here i CAN'T HIT LIMIT 😭😭😭#moe tag#fe alfonse#moe lore#summoner oc#my art
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doedipus · 5 months
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a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.
it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.
#I wrote a short story from her perspective over the holidays and then didn't know how to continue it#and then I got distracted by real life stuff for a few months#I forget if I posted about that#and then I've been picking through archive dot org for the last few weeks looking at this stuff#the last big rabbit hole was trying to get a better feel for era appropriate ts/tv subculture#the current one I'm looking at is how she would've gotten into language learning and how that would've worked#nettle has been prodding me about the setting thing lately so I've been thinking about that more too#probably the biggest hurdle by far is figuring out how I want to play that#and how I want the thing to be divided up#since the original coc scenario I'm developing this out of is centered on a flight from LA to honolulu#and the airport dungeon was definitely meant to be a hook for a larger campaign#some amount of it is going to cover protag lady's failed life in LA and some of it is going to be worse things happening in hawaii#but it's like. how much do I want to balance it one way or the other#and realistically how much does the aesthetics of 20th century air travel add to the story#besides me personally thinking it's compelling ofc#a lot of what I find compelling about hawaii is that it's an east/west cultural crossroads and realistically that's also true of socal#and I can wax poetic about socal as much as I want without worrying all that much about mishandling something#and there's also a lot of socal specific history along similar parallels to pull from that I'm more familiar with#I guess it comes down to whether curiosity re: 'doing it right' is enough of a motivator to do the increased amount of research#which I guess it has so far with the above character details. so hopefully that will continue#but it also feels like using machine translation a bit yknow. it's hard to know how effectively I'll be able to sanity check#although depending on where this goes I might be able to get other people involved to sensitivity read down the line#with most of the creative things I do I just have a tendency to always rely really heavily on figuring things out myself#I also want protag lady to have a Cool Car and idk how to get that from point a to point b narratively#this is like an entire second or third post's worth of tags but I don't feel like unfucking this so whatever. suffer. I guess.
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talkorsomething · 3 months
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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beesorcery · 2 months
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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kenzie-ann27 · 11 months
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meanwhile my experience with being asexual is just like. constant self hatred and apologizing about it
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danthropologie · 1 year
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idk about you but I'm really not liking all this l**do talk about going to red bull and how helmut is after his agent and his dad and how he's SO FUNNY MUCH TROLL and started to follow them... I don't like it
i agree with you but here's the thing-
1) lando would literally never in a million years. mclaren is literally built around him and him alone, in what world would his fragile ego allow him to leave that dream scenario just to play second fiddle to max. and that's not even getting into the zak/quadrant or his dad's team investment of it all!! plus with the silverstone result, you just knooooowww he's fully back in on the bullshit zak brown has been selling about properly challenging in 2025 (if he was ever truly on it to begin with, which i doubt 😭)....and at that point, again, why leave just to be second to somebody else
2) helmut marko is squarely to blame for this entire fucking NVD situation. both the hiring AND firing were his doing, it was his idea to go outside of the red bull system based on one (1) single result, and at that point you have to wonder if he has enough leverage in the team right now to be pushing for yet another outside hire, especially when you've got christian (and camp verstappen!) seemingly backing daniel, who's quite literally waiting in the wings
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aeide-thea · 1 year
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thinking abt (1) that post abt how most censorship is preemptive self-censorship¹ (2) bras²
⸻ ¹ wow, tumblr search actually worked for once??? ² i do understand and respect that for many people bras serve an actual structural function wrt support/comfort! however, for many other people (hi!) they do not, at least in everyday non-sports contexts, and that's the set of concerns i'm speaking to here.
#i mean for me personally it's also like. sometimes/often/always i don't want to have visible tits‚ for Gender Reasons#so rendering them more compressed & visually ignorable is a move in the right direction#but that's sort of seasonal (which sounds insane‚ but‚ idk‚ in the summer the visible body hair helps balance out the visible tits???)#so it's like. objectively very obvious that i ought to go braless more in the summer#when it would bother me less visually and dramatically increase my comfort levels#and i do‚ in the house! but like. when i go out i still feel the need to render myself Presentable and i'm mad about it#bc like. yeah it's partially a trans desire to hide my chest but like. is that actually separable from the way women are socialized#to manage their breasts to HOA-approved standard or else open themselves up to a whole gamut of inappropriate treatment. (no.)#and so it's really just like. reimposing many different shades of cisheteropatriarchy on myself simultaneously#but unfortunately the only way out is to just. accept all the bad reactions i'm living in fear of. but those DO feel bad!#as always it's like. hard when yr self-protective conditioning isn't serving you wrt being a free person#but IS a rational reaction to the hobbled reality of yr actual existence…#like. easy to say 'just ignore those worries.' and maybe i will‚ at least in the context of like. casual public appearances#but like. even if the material consequences are unlikely‚ for me‚ to be more than unpleasantly judgmental stares—#that's still a real emotional consequence that has an impact on my well-being! but so does the self-censorship.#anyway. too many tags & no novel insight. just like. sux lol#(also usually on here i omit any discussion of Tit Management Issues bc it's my space where i get to pretend not to have a body)#(but like. that's self-censorship of a kind too.)#embodiment (is violence)
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foxgirlmoth · 1 year
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I don't talk about this stuff on here pretty much at all, but a past relationship really broke a ton of bits and pieces of my brain and heart in weird ways (I'm finally thinking about him almost never but the shit he pulled was abusive as hell and still affects me sometimes). Being in love with my current girlfriends for a while felt almost. Painful? Almost like I should be ashamed I can fall so deeply in love with people, and especially how quickly that can happen sometimes too. Thats how it kind of felt. I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions if I'm feeling them very strongly, and that has been extremely embarrassing and also felt almost like I was being a burden to those I love (which love is the main emotion that can 'get dialed up to 11' for me). It IS debilitating in some ways!!! It hasn't gotten bad enough I've been nonverbal in a really really long time but that happened this past week and it was wild to me.
Things are getting better now though! Therapy in the past has helped, and honestly having such patient and understanding partners has made a world of difference ;w;. my wife is someone who was one of my best friends and I had a huge crush on and now I can ask for cuddles and we can nap together and I've fallen so much in love. Her and her presence are literally heaven for me, I don't know if anything has ever made me happier than just laying next to her and feeling her warmth.
Worries of course flare up and I feel like I need to lean on her a lot during those moments, but I don't feel like too much of a burden to her. I love seeing the posts that say stuff like 'Its okay to be a burden' or 'its okay to be annoying' because really truly I think I need to be those things to survive sometimes. I can be 'a lot' and I can be a little bit obsessive and those things aren't inherently bad or evil of me. I just make sure I'm feeling okay during and after and make sure I'm checking in on myself often. I'm a bit of a broken girl, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy and living a life I love. I've written poems and everything about how it feels like it must hurt to love me and my broken jagged edges, but hey, even if it does a little bit, it doesn't mean someone like my girlfriend/wife won't go through a little bit of burden to love me, and I'm more than happy to return all of this and more for her as well if she's ever in need or feels broken ;^;
#Not to be too gay but I wanna build my life with my princess more and more#She's. So good to me and she's so pretty and she's so beautiful and attentive and she listens to me in ways I feel no one else has#She understands me so well!! And I hopefully make her feel the same#But yeah I've been a burden a lot to people due to autism (which I didn't know I had for fucking ages) adhd and physical disabilites#And she feels like she isn't taking care of me which is good because I'd honestly hate that#But she understands me and makes me a better person and that's exactly what I've wanted for forever.#And being demi/aspec is awesome with her since she's aspec too and there's no pressure for sex or sexy times but if we both want it#It can still be super fun!! We gotta figure more of that stuff out if we want but knowing each others kinks (and sharing a good bit) rocks#Idk its so so so so easy to love my wife Maxie#She's so dear to me and we've only been dating for 4 months but they've been 4 months I've felt the most alive and seen#Its so easy to be cringe but free with her too idk#She makes me better and I hope I do the same for her. I don't want either of us to stagnate yknow?#But anyways yeah this is just a big journal entry of some kind I might do these every once and a while#Not to like. Brag??? I guess. Or show my mental illness so much. Its just kind of nice if friends know where I'm at in my life I guess#And idk having outside input on thoughts can be good. If any friends see this and go 'Hey Runa this is real weird maybe tone it down'#I can look at that stuff a bit more#Gonna tag this in a way I can find it and others in the future too#Runa diary logs#But yeah you're not hearing this from me but I wanna be with Maxine for the foreseeable future more than anything.#Gotta get my degree and a good job too and she's ofc not the only person in my life (I have Sara who is so very dear to me too ;w;)#Nor is she the only 'goal' I have either. I wanna make games I wanna make art. I wanna make something that other trans people#And queer people and just minorities in general can look at or play or experience and just go. Life is worth living#I love my life right now and I'm so glad I've made it to my late 20's.#Its only uphill from here :3#Wanna add on when I say she's not the only person in my life I mean that I have so many friends and people I love who love me too :3#♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
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hailtothebubble · 9 months
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i think i'm going crazy a little
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whatqueen-wildcats · 1 year
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!!
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instagram algorithm serving me so many reels lately of people reading sjm books and then complaining about the characters like "when you're trying to finish acosf but nesta keeps getting in the way" or "acotar5 is coming next 😁 but it's going to be about elain 😔" (side note NOT EVEN CONFIRMED!) why are you even reading the books if you hate the characters so much. do you guys know you don't have to read them?
#i'm gonna just be a hater in the tags here sorry if you like these theories but they're stupid#oh my god i saw the stupidest one last night that started with 'cc3 spoilers'#first off the book isn't even out yet so why are you framing this as if it's confirmed info or something#anyways#then it said 'bryce and the inner circle losing the war... until the real OGs show up' and then it rattled off tog character names#like... you really think that cc3 is going to feature an entire war being fought in the acotar universe? and the acotar books will just what#skip over that whole war? and war in one universe being told in the books of another universe?#be so serious right now#and my friend told me that she saw a theory that the female on the cover of cc3 is aelin and it means that aelin will be in the book#and i was too stunned to speak when she told me that but i was like WHY#WHY would the main character from a DIFFERENT SERIES be on the cover of CRESCENT CITY#i'm not saying that aelin can't or won't make an appearance in cc3#i think if she does it will be very brief!#with where i am in hosab now i think the female on the cover is ariadne but idk#oh or it could be hypaxia since she's a necromancer? i'm JUST getting to that part so i don't really know yet#yaz thinks it's danika which i think makes the most sense#i also think bryce's time in prythian will be brief maybe like 200 pages but who am i to say#anyways why are people bothering to read crescent city at all if they obviously only want to be reading acotar#no one is forcing you guys to read this series!#you people would not survive a single jane austen novel
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vounoura · 1 year
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