#soft and squishy melon girl...

[nikethestatue]

A Match Baked In Heaven

Chapter X

Howlin’ For You

Today

Breasts.

Boobs.

Mammary Glands.

Jugs.

Boobies.

Tits. 

Fiery Biscuits.

Melons.

Baps.

Milkers.

Tatas.

Snuggle Pups.

The ‘girls’

Whatever one called them, here they were. Staring Azriel Night in the face. He could’ve thought of a few more names for them: ‘naughty pillows’, ‘honkers’, ‘knockers’, ‘the rack’...and on and on and on.

This pair was nice as fuck. He couldn’t deny it. 

The generously bosom-y blonde across from him was a beauty named Mor. And this Mor was a stunner. Big brown eyes, hair like molten gold, tits for days, childbearing hips, a nipped waist. 

He’d arrived early, yet she was already here, at a posh, faceless bar in the City. She wanted to go somewhere flashier, but Azriel didn’t want any more of his photos splashed across Daily Mail under the headline ‘Another One for Footie’s Bad Boy?’ so he chose this spot. It was filled with nervous and overly intense finance blokes, with an uneven ratio of 78% dicks to 22% pussy in attendance. If he didn’t know better he’d think this was a gay bar, but it wasn’t. It was a bar where ‘deals were made’ and no one paid attention to him. He was wearing a suit and easily passed for another manic finance bloke. 

Mor was on her third drink already, but she was holding her alcohol well, though Azriel suspected that might have a problem somewhere there. Currently he wasn’t training or playing due to his injury, but he still stuck with sparkling water as was his habit. Those big bazoongas shifted beneath her bright red dress and even a blind man would’ve felt the earth shift when she moved, but Azriel remained…uninterested.

Yes, in theory, she was tempting and attractive in every way. If this was three months ago, he probably would’ve been pounding her on the way back from the bar, giving Dev an eyeful. Wouldn’t have been the first time.

Alas, currently, not only did he not care about her tits whatsoever, he also kept thinking about the cool 20 Day Advent Calendar that he bought for Pinky, where there was a special treat behind every little daily slat. He was unhealthily excited about this Advent Calendar and kept imagining how excited Pink would be about it, and how he and Elain would open it daily to reveal treat-of-the-day. 

No tits were as desirable as the happiness of his dog. Besides, the only tits that were interesting to him, the only tits he wanted to touch and squeeze, the only tits he wanted to lick and bite, were Elain’s. Soft, ample, squishy titties–the only tits worth his time and attention. Whatever Mor was laying down, he sure as hell wasn’t picking up. The only reason he was here anyway, was because his ornery girlfriend demanded it and he was humouring her. A little bar talk with this loud woman was a small price to pay for having Elain in his arms through the night, making her accept him, slowly, but surely fall for him, submit…Yeah, it was worth it, even if he didn’t want to be here.

-

Five Days Ago

“You aren’t even that ill!” Elain protested.

Azriel offered a loud and very fake cough to demonstrate that he was indeed quite ill.

“I beg to differ,” he argued. “Are you really going to send a star athlete all the way to Canary Wharf, in the beginning of December? While he is half-dead from fever and has a broken leg?”

“Oh, now the leg is broken too?” Elain crossed her arms on her chest, shaking her head, looking at him. The good thing was that Pinky decided to take Azriel’s side, and now he sat by his side, working hard at giving Elain the biggest puppy dog eyes in history.

“You two are emotional vampires!” she declared, getting up from the table. 

“We are emotional puppies!” Azriel argued.

“You are a traitor,” Elain hissed at Piglet, who whimpered pathetically.

“I’ll wash the dishes,” Azriel offered sheepishly.

She rolled her eyes and told him firmly, “you aren’t sleeping with me”.

“Umm,”

“No, don’t even think about it.”

“Where am I sleeping then?”

“In the guest room,” she said primly,

“Aren’t you planning to sleep with your husband in the same bed?” he queried.

“Yes. But you aren’t my husband.”

“But I will be,” he reminded her.

“Dream on, football boy,” she puffed her cheeks, while Azriel gathered the plates and hobbled with them to the sink. And then, he proceeded to wash the dishes like a good boy. It was silly, because obviously she had a dishwasher, but Azriel wanted to show how he would be a great husband-material, and how much potential he had in that department. 

Elain didn’t say anything, but quietly began putting things away after dinner. Pinky was laying there like a log, watching them closely, monitoring every move. 

Azriel was almost done with the washing up, when he stepped aside and suddenly pulled Elain to him, wrapping his arm around her waist.

Her breath quickened, but she didn't struggle in his hold. He pressed her into the counter and held her within the cage of his arms. 

Elain smelled delightful. A heady mix of jasmine, with light undertones of warm honey and vanilla. Her scent was exactly what she was in life–a flower-lover and a baker. It was a perfect mix of who she was.

Azriel inhaled her deeply and felt her shiver against him. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers, savouring the moment. It was quiet, other than some instrumental Christmas music playing on Elain’s phone. So it made sense when Elain’s arms tentatively wrapped around Azriel’s waist and she pulled him a little closer.

“Why are you like that, my matchy?” he whispered.

“How am I?”

“Skittish. Afraid. You shouldn’t be afraid of me. I would never hurt you.”

She sighed sadly and whispered, “Others have said the same, and did, in fact, hurt me.”

“I am not ‘others’. I am it. I knew that I was fucked once I started wondering what your lips would taste like, and I am still wondering about that. I’ve been many different things in my life, and not all of them any good, but with you, it’s different.

“You smell like home. You feel like a wife. You act like the mother of my children. There is nothing I can do about that.”

“You fell hard,” she murmured.

“Surprised me too,” he chuckled, “but here we are.”

She took his hand in hers and looked at his scarred skin, absently rubbing the mangled flesh with her thumb. At that, it was Azriel’s turn to squirm a bit. He didn’t like close attention being paid to his hands.

But, all she did was whisper ‘beautiful’ and Azriel didn’t know what to do with that. So he blushed. Because it wasn’t something he expected, and coming from her, he knew that it was the truth. She found his hands beautiful.

She then took him by the hand and gently pulled him behind her, sneaking from under his arm. 

“Gonna put me to bed, beautiful?” he chuckled.

“Don’t push it,” she warned playfully.

They went upstairs, Azriel being on his best behaviour, careful not to spook her and have her send him back down to sleep on the couch.

Elain’s upstairs wasn’t any less luxurious and stylish than the downstairs. The landing had built-in bookshelves and a loveseat and apparently Pinky’s own swanky pad, with a vast doggy bed and various cushions upon which he could ‘relax’ (not that his life was very hard and required much relaxation). In addition, part of the built-ins contained all his outfits, his toys, and bows. He had more clothes than Kim K.

“You are here,” Elain opened the door to one of the bedrooms. It was modern, comfortable, like a world-class hotel room. But impersonal.

“There is an en-suite,” Elain waved her hand to another door.

“And where are you?” Azriel asked immediately.

She gave him a look, but said “at the end of the hall. Should you require anything, knock and let me know.”

Then, after a beat, she added, “And since you sleep in the nude, please don’t forget to cover yourself.”

Azriel smirked and gently cupped the side of her neck, drawing his thumb over the tender skin of her throat.

“So you remembered then?”

Primly, as if they were discussing cottage cheese, she said, “it’s my job. I pride myself in remembering what my clients tell me.”

“Ahhh,” he nodded slowly, with a knowing look on his face. “And for no other reason I am sure, yeah?”

“Exactly.”

“Alright then, Ms. Archeron,” he pressed his lips to her forehead and gave her a soft, loving kiss, “good night. And if I do need anything, I will remember to cover my massive cock,”

“Ahh,” she gasped and he laughed, giving her another quick kiss.

She pushed at him, pretending to be oh-so scandalised, but there was no fire in her protests.

“Stop kissing me!”

“That’s a hard no from me,” he shrugged. “I only intend to kiss you more.”

“Why are you like this?”

“What? Charming? Sexy? Smart?”

“Yeah, all of the above,” she snorted. “Don’t you ever take ‘no’ for an answer?”

“Not really,” he confessed. “Definitely not this time around.”

“Why not?” she asked quietly, looking straight at him.

He licked his lip and then stated simply,

“Because you are mine.”

-

Today

“Three million.”

Azriel was so lost in thought, especially recalling how that night five days ago went, that he didn’t catch anything that Mor was saying to him. Not until he heard ‘three million’.

“Pardon?” he finally asked.

“I think that’s a reasonable sum,” she decided, flipping her hair behind her shoulder.

“For what?”

“Us!”

“Us? Us what?” his brow furrowed and he had no idea what she was referring to.

“That’s the exchange,” she pushed, leaning across the table towards him, and letting her boobs slide forward, the material of her dress barely containing them. Gosh, she was trying hard.

“Miss Hewn, lay it all out,” he all but snapped at her. “What do you want?”

“It’s what you want,” she corrected him and brought her martini glass to her bright red lips. An espresso martini, no less. What a revolting 80s drink that no self-respecting person would ever touch. But Azriel chose to keep his opinion to himself. Mor wasn’t Elain. He could tease Elain. She’d answer, she’d taunt him back. It would be wonderful. But he didn’t need to worry about Elain–she was a whiskey and lager and gin girl. Proper drinks. Classic. None of this frou-frou nonsense. He had no opinion on Mor because he didn’t give a shit.

“What am I exchanging for three mil?” he queried, crossing his arms on his chest and leaning back in his chair.

She mimicked his posture, and said in a firm, bland tone,

“A little birdy told me that if you don’t marry by the time you are thirty, you lose your chance at your inheritance…and I hear it’s over 200 mil. Lord Darling is worth what? About two billion? 10% of his wealth goes to his two adopted sons–you and your brother Cassian. Am I not correct?”

“You are alarmingly well-informed about Lord Darling’s finances,”

She shrugged and said with false innocence in her voice, “all public knowledge, Azriel. And I am a girl who does her research.”

Another one. 

Another girl who was doing her due diligence. But unlike Elain, whose intentions were honourable and even a little naive, Mor seemed much more predatory. Her big eyes gleamed with excitement.

“So, if I am understanding you correctly,” Azriel sipped his sparkling water, wondering how long he had to stay here for, “you want me to pay you three million pounds,”

“Correct,” she nodded.

“For what exactly?”

“To marry you, of course, silly!” she smiled at him and winked.

“Oh…”

“Two years? Three?” she shrugged irreverently and finished her gross martini, while immediately motioning to the waiter for another drink.

The balls on her were…impressive.

If Azriel wasn’t so internally disgusted, he would’ve been awed. 

But he was mostly grossed out.

“We marry, we stay together for a couple of years,” Mor continued easily. “I get my three million. You get your 200 million and then we part amicably. What do Americans call it? Irreconcilable differences. We wouldn’t be able to reconcile our differences too. I’ll even sign a prenup, and won’t ask for any spousal support or any bit of your money,”

“Generous of you,” he said dryly. “So this has been the plan from the beginning, I am guessing?

She shrugged innocently.

“I go where the money is.”

“Let me guess,” he interrupted. “You know all about how much I make too?”

Her red-tipped fingers gently caressed his hand, but in a condescending sort of way, like she was taming a wild animal.

“Of course I do, darling,” she smiled at him. “Of course, I do. 115 million contract with Arsenal over 5 years. Multiple multi-million pound endorsement contracts with big name companies–Adidas, Apple, Bank of England come to mind. Oh, Smart Water. Oh, oh,” she snapped her fingers, “a deal with that shaving company…You looked good in those adverts. All damp and half-naked, water dripping off of you,”

Azriel barely managed not to roll his eyes.

“How did you get through Elain’s rigorous screening?” he interrupted her litany, speaking frankly and not giving a fuck. He was past being Mr. Nice Guy or even Mr. Pretend to Be a Nice Guy for the Evening. He was going to be the dickhead that he usually was.

Mor laughed lightly and accepted another weird concoction from the waiter–a Lemon Drop, apparently. What was with this woman and her 80s drinks? They weren’t even classics. Just gaudy. 

“Ohhh,” Mor did a sing-song thing with her voice. “Elain…Lady Elain Archeron, the 7th Marchioness of Londonfair, sister to Nesta, the Duchess of Velaris and to Countess Feyre Archeron. 

“See, Azriel, I do my research on everyone. Did you know that the Duke of Velaris petitioned Queen Victoria some time around 1894 to have all the females in his family receive titles. Just the females, the same way the males would. And the titles are passed on to women in that family. Interestingly, the old Queen wasn’t exactly a feminist. In fact, she was sternly opposed to feminism and felt that women should obey and serve their men. Wonder what the Duke had to do to convince her? But whatever he did, apparently worked. 

“The sisters’ mother was the Duchess of Velaris. Nesta was the Marchioness. Elain, a Countess. Feyre, a Viscountess. Once the mother died, the titles shifted to each respective sister. Interesting, isn’t it?

“You know how much they are worth?”

“No,” Azriel snapped. “I don’t, and I don’t care.”

“Pity. It is curious that Lady Elain has this strange profession. Very odd, don’t you think? A matchmaker.”

“She wants to bring happiness to others,” he said. “Love.”

Mor scoffed,

“Love. Yes, love. It’s adorable that you bought into her fantasy.”

“Her track record is impeccable,” he argued roughly.

“Oh,” Mor waved her hand, “I am not arguing, I know she is good at what she does. Poor lonely souls flock to her in hopes for their happily ever after.”

“And you didn’t?” he challenged. Dark, angry, cold rage was rising up in his chest, threatening to suffocate him. His own personal feelings aside, Elain was good. She believed in what she did. She was kind and thoughtful and careful with the feelings of others. She did want people to find their partners, and their happily ever after. Of that, he had no doubt. Therefore, anyone taking advantage of her sincerity and her beliefs made him see red.

“I did flock too,” Mor confirmed, almost chugging her Lemon Drop in one go and motioning for the waiter yet again. Jesus fuck. “Just not for love,” she continued. “It wasn’t exactly difficult to build up a story that Elain wanted to hear. My very unsuccessful first engagement, then a string of men who didn’t turn into anything serious, disappointments and my ‘yearning for love’,” she made air quotes. “The poor silly cow fell for it just like that,” she snapped her fingers. 

At that, Azriel flinched, but Mor didn’t notice it. Instead, she ordered ‘Sex On the Beach’ and he almost died of embarrassment. When the kids on the team told him that they ‘died of cringe’ he now understood what they meant. 

“If you know where to look, you’d find out that Lady Elain abruptly ended her engagement to Lord Nolan a few years back. I figured that he stepped out on her, and it turns out that I was correct. So I played that up to her, telling her that my fiance did the same. She was so easy,” Mor sighed dramatically. “I mean, what was I expecting? This is a woman who dotes on her lame legless pug and,”

“Pardon,” Azriel stood up abruptly and muttered, “I need to go to the loo,”

“Oh, alright then,” Mor nodded. “When you come back, we’ll discuss the details of the arrangement.”

Apparently, in her mind, everything’s been settled already.

Azriel left his jacket hanging on the back of his chair, but he figured it would be a small price to pay to escape. He veered off the path to the toilets and passed by the long, glass-covered bar, where he spotted Dev, who was sipping mineral water. Azriel motioned his head to the driver, and Dev got up promptly, his expression perplexed. His eyes darted from Azriel to Mor’s golden-haired head which loomed over the table.

Azriel came over and grabbed his driver’s arm, quickly ushering him towards the exit.

“Are you doing a runner?” Dev guessed, grinning at the panicked looking Azriel.

“Sure am!”

“Wait, so you pumped and dumped,”

“No pumping,” Azriel quickly, shuddering visibly, “only dumping.”

“You really gonna ghost her like that?”

“Honestly, it’s not my proudest moment, but I am afraid she is going to charge me for leaving. A tenner at least.”

Dev chuckled, and nodded towards Azriel’s lack of jacket,

“You’ll freeze your bollocks off,”

“Small price to pay to escape Miss Golden Arm over there. She really started the conversation with ‘you pay me three million and then I will marry you’.”

“Shit. For real?” 

“Sure am. She is a thirsty one. Not for cock, but for a buck.”

Dev laughed and said, “Alright then, mate, let’s go. I’ll save you.”

Azriel tossed two hundred pounds to the barman and said, “For the lady’s drinks,” he pointed towards Mor. “And make sure she doesn’t drive. She’s had one, or ten, too many.”

By the time he slipped out of the bar, took the lift downstairs and came outside, to the frigid night, Dev was pulling the car around the corner. 

Azriel all but collapsed into the warm cabin and rubbed his hands.

“Told you you’ll freeze,” Dev told him.

“What did you want me to do exactly?”

“Never seen you walk away like that from a woman before,” Dev commented, while he pulled away from the curb.

“Ehhh,” Azriel looked out the window, watching the sleek streets decorated for Christmas. “I wasn’t into it.”

“Uh-uh,” Dev only muttered, with a knowing look on his face. “Where to then? Canary Wharf or Russell Square?”

Azriel shot him a glance in the mirror, and Dev continued lightly, “I wasn’t planning on being done with the evening by,” he glanced at the clock, “7:08 pm. But here we are. So, where are we going? Home? Or where you wanna be?”

“What do you mean?” Azriel demanded.

The driver huffed and snickered. 

“Come on, Az. I’ve known you for 20 years. Known you since we were lads.”

“So?”

“Seen you with all kinds of birds, and here we are tonight, and I am watching you walk away from Miss Busty without a second thought. And I can see you itching to go back to that posh neighbourhood and see your posh lass and her mega posh pug. Tell me I am wrong?”

Azriel rubbed his chin and looked back at the window.

“Russell Square,” was all he said.

Dev smiled widely.

“On my fucking way, lad.”

Because yes, Azriel wanted to be with his woman. And wanted a repeat of the night from five days ago.

-

Five Days Ago

Five nights ago, Azriel did not keep true to his word.

Well, technically, he didn’t promise to stay in his room. He didn’t promise to stop kissing Elain. He didn’t promise anything, other than to cover his cock if he went to her room. And he did. 

He covered his cock.

He wore his boxers, to be precise. 

He settled for the night–or at least for the immediate couple of hours–but as soon as the door closed, he heard scratching and banging, growling and barking. 

“Piglet no!” came Elain’s urgent pleas. “Az is going to sleep. So should you. Go to your bed. Right now!”

Instead, there was snapping and more growling.

“Piglet, no. You had chicken and rice, you took a nice walk, you played with Az, and it’s time to call it a night. Go to bed.”

There was a pause, and then more aggressive banging on the door, which Azriel hoped wasn’t Pinky ramming his head into it. 

“I swear to god, Piglet Pinky Archeron,” Elain exclaimed sternly and Azriel just about fell off the bed, at the sound of the middle name,

Piglet Pinky Archeron Night. Thank you very much.

“I am going to take you to the vet!”

A shocked, horrified whimper was the answer.

That was a hella threat then.

And then Piglet started crying and Azriel couldn't take it anymore. He got out of bed and threw the door open. With that, Piglet in turn threw himself in his arms like the floor was lava. Azriel wrapped his arms around him and whispered, “It’s okay, my boy. It’s okay. I am not going to send you to the vet,” he glanced at Elain, meaning to give her the stink eye, and only to notice her shocked expression.

Oh yeah…he was naked, other than for his underwear. 

“Ummm,” she mumbled…”I…well, I…if he…you know he is quite loud if you want him to sleep in the room,” she rambled on, as her eyes darted here and then, trying to avoid the sight of his naked flesh. 

That’s right, sweetheart. Keep looking. 

“I am dressed,” Azriel pointed out with a smirk.

“I…I,” she huffed, swiping her hand over her brow, “I wouldn’t call this ‘dressed’ Mr. Azriel…”

“Mr. Azriel?” Azriel teased. “What happened to Mr. Night?”

“Yes, yes, of course. Mr. Night!” Elain nodded frantically, “that’s what I meant, of course. Naturally. Mr. Azriel.”

He kept staring at her, smiling, while she muttered, “Mr. Night!”

Then he shrugged and told her, “I rather like hearing my name on your lips, beautiful. ‘Azriel’ me all you want. Come on in then,” he jerked his head, inviting her in.

“Come where?” she baulked.

“To my comfy bed, obviously,” he explained like she was a bit stupid. “It’s only nine o'clock. According to the Daily Mail I am a ‘debauched footballer’--so what the fuck am I doing in bed at this hour? It’s fine for Pink, but you and I can spend some quality time together,”

“I couldn’t possibly,” she kept muttering, while he grabbed her hand and tugged her along.

“Don’t worry little virgin,” he assured her, “I’ll leave your virtue intact, if that’s what you’d like,”

“I am not a virgin!” she hissed at him and he laughed and then the three of them piled onto the bed, under his significant bulk and strength.

But first things first…

He got her in bed with him, which was a massive accomplishment. Took two months, but here they were. Now, he needed a minute to wrap his mind around the fact that Elain Archeron, his Elain, was in bed with him. Thankfully, Pinky offered him that opportunity, when he jumped off the bed, screamed excitedly, and then began running frantic circles around the room.

Watching the pug’s antics, Elain laughed and whispered, “major case of the zoomies.”

“For the laziest dog, he sure does pack a lot of energy,” Azriel commented, carefully arranging himself next to her, trying to be inconspicuous, like this was normal for them.

Nothing was normal.

None of this was normal.

Even the fact that Elain was barefoot, and he was seeing her pretty toes for the first time, had Azriel spiralling internally. She was usually formally dressed, and when he did catch her in casual attire, it was strange enough. But Elain barefoot? Her toenails were painted a light pearl colour and he couldn’t stop staring at them. He couldn’t stop staring at the difference in their sizes: at how much bigger he was than her. He was a big man, but her little pale feet seemed almost childish next to his large, beat up, calloused ones. His muscular legs reached almost to the edge of the bed, and he looked rough and wild compared to her, his skin a deep golden brown, tattoos peppering his body here and there, all the sinewy tight muscles bulging and shifting beneath his bruised, scarred, scratched skin. She was soft and creamy, pale and resembled a marshmallow or a cream puff. He resembled a gnarly log. 

He extended his arm and Elain naturally leaned into the crook, laying her head on his shoulder. 

She wore grey pyjama pants with pugs on them (obviously), and a red Arsenal t-shirt, with Azriel’s own number. Like a proper girlfriend should. Though it made his chest warm and everything inside of him squeezed with strange wormy happiness, because this wasn’t the jersey that he gave her. This was a different shirt, which she clearly bought for herself, and now wore to bed.

There was nothing sexy or alluring about her mismatched night outfit, but to Azriel, it was somehow perfect. Undoubtedly, the ensemble that she had on earlier–the shorts, the knee highs, and the jumper–was Pinterest-worthy in its enticing sexiness, and nothing beat half of her ass falling out of those shorts. 

But this was good. Like it should be. 

He rested his chin atop of her head and then she reached across him and tugged a blanket on top of his body.

“You’ll grow cold and will never get better,” she complained.

“Is my naked body messing with your little ladyship sensibilities?” he teased. “What’s it like with Lord Eris? Brace yourself, Sally, and think of England?”

“I hate you so much,” she said flatly, shaking her head with disdain.

“No, matchy. You like me,” he said assertively. 

She tensed a little against him, but he only stroked her shoulder lightly, keeping her in place.

Piglet finally tired out from his zooming and attempted to climb back on the bed, but he couldn’t reach that high up, so he began whimpering frantically, now wanting as much attention as possible and fearing that he was missing out.

Azriell scooped him up with his available hand and placed him at his side.

“You can stay here, but you are not Beyonce, so no one will be entertaining you. Calm down and go to sleep. It’s me and Ellie time.”

Piglet pouted at him, but then burrowed himself in the blanket and quieted down. 

“Try to keep the farting to a minimum,” Azriel warned, but Piglet only snorted at him.

Azriel draped the rest of the blanket over Elain, and then boldly grabbed her hip and hoisted her leg up and over his own.

There was a moment there, where they just looked at each other, their bodies connected, the intimacy of the moment almost stifling.

It was then that Elain asked,

“What do you want, Azriel? From me?”

He looked at her, studying the lovely contours of her face, and after a long pause, said,

“I want everything from you. I want you in the worst way. I need your taste. Your scent. I want to know what your skin would feel next to mine. I want to crawl so deep inside of you, that you won’t be able to extricate yourself from me ever. Not ever. Not with a spoon. Not with an axe. Not with a prayer. Not with a saw. And I want it all tonight. I want it every minute of the day. And I know that I can’t have it. So I yearn and desire, and I suffer, because I cannot have it. I cannot have you.”

“It’s a violent image,” she whispered at last, watching him in awe. “Your love is possessive, and nearly scary.”

“Nearly,” he agreed, “but not quite. I simply didn’t know that I could feel this way about anything. About anyone.”

“Are you going to start spouting poetry?” she smiled and lightly traced her finger over his jaw.

“I usually don’t need to resort to that,” he chuckled. “But if you’d like me to give you a little speech about how you’d bewitched me, body and soul, I could do that.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve read Pride and Prejudice!” she gasped in shock.

Azriel laughed quietly, “Fuck no! But I’ve seen enough gifs from the movie to remember that line.”

“I love that movie,” Elain admitted dreamily.

“Absolutely no surprise there,” Azriel concluded. 

He then pulled her closer and slipped his arm lower, so he could cup her lovely ass, and when he did, she didn’t even fight him. That’s my girl, he thought. 

“What should I get Pinky for Christmas?” he pondered, as he glanced at the sleeping pug.

“I don’t think that he cares all that much,” Elain admitted, while her little finger kept making circles on his skin, travelling from his neck, down to his shoulder and chest, as she traced the lines of his tattoos.

“Come on, of course he does! I do too. What should I get him?”

“Well,” she thought, “the things he likes the most are: empty Amazon envelopes, the padded ones. Socks. You can get him an old shoe. A stick, of course. He likes a good stick. Any kind of hose that he can tear up–pantyhose are his fave. An empty box. And of course the thing that he loves the most in the world is,” then her voice dropped to a whisper and she said into Azriel’s ear, her voice barely audible, “meatloaf.”

Even though Elain was whispering, the magical word still caused Piglet to stir sleepily. He waited for a moment, before falling back asleep.

“See?”

“Wow, he really must love it,” Azriel barely contained himself, stifling his laughter. “I guess I know what we are having for Christmas!”

The next hour and a half were spent in blissful warmth. Azriel took out his phone, and they proceeded to watch a bunch of comedians on Netflix. They laughed at the same jokes, and Azriel found it endearing.

“I think we need to get a tree,” Azriel decided at some point. “I would’ve thought that you’d be completely Christmas-obsessed and everything would be covered in Christmas spirit. Kind of like in ‘Elf’.”

Elain sighed and frowned.

“What?” he pushed, stroking her head.

“I didn’t feel like it this year, I guess,” she said lamely.

“Why?”

“I dunno…”

“Come on. Tell me.”

“I am not feeling festive, I suppose.”

The vague admission didn’t sit right with him and he turned her face up, so he could look at her.

“What happened?”

She bit her lip and sighed,

“I don’t know…I guess I didn’t see myself in this place, under these circumstances, at this stage of my life,”

“What circumstances?”

“Single, I suppose,” she sighed again. “I figured that by 28, I’d be married, maybe even with children. For sure with someone significant in my life. Now I'll be 28 in less than two weeks, and I guess I just broke up with my long-term boyfriend? I am not even certain where we stand with him. And then there is you, and you are all kinds of confusing,”

“I am not confusing,” he argued. “I am your boyfriend. I don’t really care that you can’t bring yourself to acknowledge this yet, but I am. You ain’t single. You are mine. And if you want me to put a ring on your finger on your birthday, I will, if it will make you happy,”

Elain elbowed him harshly and snapped, “Stop talking like that! We barely know each other! We,”

“We know each other plenty. What don’t I know about you and you don’t know about me? Short of an anal probe, you’ve asked me every question imaginable. You know what I like to eat, where I grew up, how I fuck, what I wear, where I live, and I know that you love your pug, and your sisters, and that sometimes you are lonely, and that you love watching couples that you set up end up married and happy, and you’ve been hurt in love, and you love apple crisps and are sweetly rough around the edges despite being a Lady.”

“I don’t know how you…fuck,” she cleared her throat.

“I can certainly show you that right now,” he offered. “I’ve been ready to fuck you since you’ve been eyeing my happy trail the day we decorated for Halloween,”

“WHAT!!!!” she cried out. “I was not!”

“Sure were, baby, sure you were,” he teased and squeezed her ass cheek hard, “you think I didn’t notice? You think I didn’t let you watch for as long as you wanted?”

“Oh my god, you are horrible!” she smacked his bare chest. “I wasn’t. It was just there. Your stomach! You were showing it to me,”

“Uh-uh. Anyways. This Christmas will be brilliant, for you and for me. A new start, a new beginning,”

“Beginning of what?” she asked timidly, her expression hopeful and eager. She liked what he was telling her.

“Us, Elain Archeron. Us. Argue all you want, but I ain’t letting you go. And I am taking Pinky to get us a tree!”

He drove the point home by reaching and cupping her breast. He squeezed it tightly, bouncing it within his palm. It didn’t escape him that Elain wasn’t wearing a bra under the t-shirt, and her soft full tits have been rolling around all evening long next to him and driving him crazy. 

She squeaked in surprise, and attempted to throw his hand off, but once he brushed his thumb over her nipple, she stilled and her breathing hitched audibly.

“You want me to show you how I fuck?” he asked quietly, swiping his thumb over the hardening nipple. 

“You promised,” she protested breathlessly. “You said you won’t pressu-,”

“I did,” he nodded. “I did. But let me promise something else now then,”

“What?”

“I will fuck you, Ellie. And you are going to love it. And you’ll ask for more.”

-

When Azriel was 9 years old, he stole an eclair from a bakery. His class was some kind of class trip to the theatre. They were brought to Covent Garden and he walked around there, eyes wide open, his mind blown. He’d never been to a place more exciting, or beautiful, or wealthy. All he knew were hospitals, drab council estates, and his football, which he often played on concrete. He gawked at the shops, all the restaurants and pubs, and the bakeries. Gorgeous displays of wonderful things everywhere. 

Azriel always had quick, sticky fingers, and though he didn’t like thieving, sometimes, it was necessary. Basic necessities were hard to come by, and when he could, he stole–socks and belts, toothpaste, combs, tissues, candy. He made it a point not to steal for no reason, and not get in trouble needlessly, over something trivial. 

That day, they passed by some French sounding bakery–it was all gleaming marble, and outlandish displays of croissants and pastries, cakes and tarts, and rich people drinking coffee and buying bread. Nine quid for a loaf of bread. Outrageous!

But there were two types of eclairs that he couldn’t tear his eyes from. One covered in a chocolate glaze, and another sprinkled with hazelnuts and decorated with cream roses. He couldn’t stop looking at them–two girthy decadent stunners that called his name. All he wanted was to sink his teeth into one. Or both. 

So he went for it. He pinched them. Wasn’t difficult. He was small and no one paid any attention to him. Besides, even if someone did notice him, they’d assume he was here with a parent. It took a minute, tops. In and out, and two eclairs were nestled in a paper bag, and then in his school bag. Later that night, he and Cassian snuck out, and ate the eclairs sitting on the crumbling stoop of a building. 

Up until tonight, Azriel Night had never tasted anything better than those eclairs. Never did anything more sumptuous, sinful and blissfully delicious pass his lips. Never.

Not until he sunk his teeth into Elain’s soft, delicate neck. 

In his defence, the scent of her hair, her body, the mix of honey and jasmine and vanilla made him dream of those delectable pastries. And somehow, his lips found their way to her cheek, and then, to her gorgeous neck. His mouth travelled the length of her throat, placing hungry, hot, desperate kisses on the lightly perfumed, warm skin. 

Elain moved and moaned softly beneath him, and he woke up fully, feeling her luscious breasts splayed beneath his chest, her small, firm hand gripping his bicep sleepily. He wasn’t sure if she was awake or if she was also dreaming. But once he started, he couldn’t stop. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled, while he kissed over the trembling pulse point, the hot pumping of blood erratic and needy beneath his lips. He licked her vein, before kissing gently below the ear, only to return to the neck, and cover it in more kisses, peppering it with small bites. 

Elain’s eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him in the darkness. 

He wouldn’t have it. Didn’t want any arguments or debates about this. Gripping her chin firmly with his fingers, he turned her head to the side, allowing him all the access he needed to her neck. 

“Shhh,” he shushed her. “Let me have this…”

Her nails dug into his skin, but she didn’t fight him that moment. Her eyes closed and she inhaled deeply, back arching sexily and a needy little moan escaped her lips. He kissed her deeper, and his hand slipped back to her breast, which he covered with his palm. God she was soft. Soft and smooth and delicious in every way. And as his teeth and lips dug deeper into her skin and he sucked on her mercilessly, while realising that nothing compared to her in any way. She was his. That fluttering little heart beat for him.

He squeezed her breast harder, his fingers closing on the nipple, as he twisted it between his fingers, pinching it hard enough for her to gasp loudly. 

“Oh fuck,” she moaned, “oh god,” because he pulled and pinched her nipple again, causing her to shudder next to him from both pain, but also pleasure. 

Azriel figured that she hadn’t experienced true pleasure in a long time now. He was going to fix that. 

“Enough,” she moaned at last and pushed him away slightly. “Not yet…”

“Okay,” he said quietly and pulled away from her neck. Flipping on his back, he covered his eyes with his forearm and willed himself to calm down. Elain was panting next to him.

When he glanced at her, her hair was a mess, her lips were parted, and she was holding her breast, while a bruise bloomed on her neck.

“Shit,” he whispered, rubbing his face. “I am sorry. Did I hurt you?”

She was silent, staring at the ceiling.

“Ellie, I am sorry,” he muttered worriedly, “forgive me. I am sorry, I overestimated my,”

“It felt good,” she said suddenly. 

“Oh. Well, that’s good, right? I thought that I was too,”

“Rough? Yes. But you warned me about that,”

“And…is that okay?”

She thought about it and said, “No one’s ever been like that with me. You are different,”

“I should hope so!”

“You are so heavy,” she commented, “I love your weight. You are solid and so muscular,”

Amused he repeated, “That’s what you like? My weight?”

She pressed her fingers to her neck, “You bit me.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that,” he whispered sheepishly. “Didn’t mean to,”

“I think that you did. You marked me. I can feel the imprint of your teeth.”

Maybe he did mark her. 

He bit her like a savage. Like an animal in heat during mating.

He’d never bit anyone like that before. 

And he wasn’t sure what to make of it.

So he didn’t explain or say anything further. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him, parking her curvy ass in the cradle of his hips. It seemed that she waited for him to say something, but when he didn’t, she tucked her hands beneath her cheek and settled in, with him holding her in his arms. 

-

It was Piglet who nosed into Azriel’s neck, huffing and snorting, clawing at him lightly.

It was barely light outside, but that was to be expected. December in London wasn’t exactly full of sunshine and blue skies.

“He needs to go poop,” Elain groaned sleepily, though she made no effort to open her eyes and only snuggled closer to Azriel. 

He smiled and patted her butt, before kissing her head and sitting up.

“Sleep, baby. I’ll take him.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, surprised.

“I am sure. Take a break. I’ll pick up his turds, no problem.”

She snorted a laugh and then turned away and pulled the blanket over her shoulder. Azriel climbed over her–totally unnecessarily–and made sure to sit on her for a second too, while she screeched and tried to swat him away.

“I thought you loved my weight?” he reminded her with a laugh.

“Not this much!” she yelled, and slapped his thigh. “Ohmygod, you are almost naked!”

“Sure am, baby. Nothing but a thin piece of cotton that’s standing between you and my cock n’ balls.”

“It’s too early for your sex talk,” she complained.

“Sweetness, when we are married, be prepared for some morning sex.”

“It’s especially too early for your marriage talk.”

“Never!”

“Make sure to put a coat and a hat on him,”

Azriel picked Pinky up and muttered under his breath, “You do remember that he is a descendant of wolves?! Now he eats fuckin’ meatloaf and wears a hat to go outside.”

At the word ‘meatloaf’ Piglet howled happily. 

“That’s for Christmas,” Azriel promised him.

Leaving Elain to snooze, Azriel picked up his clothes, and then found a bathroom in the hallway. It was right across from Elain’s bedroom, where he didn’t dare go yet, but he figured that that’s the one she used for herself. When he entered, he was proven correct. It was the prettiest bathroom imaginable–with a gorgeous view outside, no less. As with everything in this house, it was a perfect combination of modern and classic, tiled simply with white tiles, it also had a modern tub, and a glass shower. 

He already imagined their babies splashing in the tub and him fucking Elain in the shower. 

Yeah, he always had a vivid imagination. 

He looked around, snooping through the cupboards and cabinets. Elain had a moderate amount of products for her hair, only a couple of body lotions, which he sniffed, perfume–custom made, which explained her unique scent–period pads and tampons (he noted the brands, so he could buy them for his own place), same for toothpaste (they used the same one) and finally, he opened the medicine cabinet. No prescription drugs. Just a few utilitarian things and that’s about it, other than the flat disc, which he was pretty familiar with. He took it out and opened it. Low dosage birth control pills. He tsked, seeing as Elain wasn’t very careful about taking them. He figured that she probably didn’t care, since her ginger prick wasn’t here, but that also pleased him because she definitely wasn’t fucking anyone right now. 

As he wrestled with Piglet, who was ready for a bath apparently, Azriel considered what to do. He found a pack of toothbrushes, brushed his teeth, noting that he was looking better than yesterday, combed his hair, and then slipped the birth control pills into the backpocket of his joggers. 

No need for these anymore, sweetheart.

Did he feel bad about messing with Elain’s birth control–not really. 

He just stole it. 

At least he didn’t replace the pills with sugar pills, which he briefly considered.

He wasn’t a good man, and he never pretended to be one. 

But he wanted his cum to fall in fertile ground, when the time came for that. Ellie didn’t need any birth control.

-

By the time he and Pinky returned from their walk, Azriel carrying two cups of coffee and a bag with pastries, Elain was up. 

For a moment, he worried that she was going to question him about the pills, but she didn’t say anything, only laughing at Pinky’s ridiculous outfit. It was some kind of knit poncho with a hat attached to it. He looked like an idiot, but Azriel loved it, and so did Elain apparently.

“I love walking with him,” Azriel announced, setting breakfast on the counter. “No one pays attention to me. Everyone is only interested in him. Someone even asked him if I was his new dogwalker!”

Elain burst out laughing, while Piglet began zooming around the first floor and Azriel sat down across from her.

“I have a proposal,” she said at last, lacing her fingers together, as she stared him down.

He rolled his eyes and threw his head back.

“Oh god. I am not in the mood for proposals. Unless you are being a modern woman and asking me to marry you. Then, it’s a yes.”

“Well, no.”

“Figures.”

“But it is connected to marriage.”

He sipped his coffee and then said dejectedly, “What now, beautiful? You better make it good.”

“I promise to go out with you,” she announced grandly, and he laughed.

“Isn’t it a little too late for that? Considering that I am sleeping in your bed now?”

“No. Proper dating,” she insisted. “Like if you are my boyfriend,”

“I am your boyfriend,” he reminded her. 

“Can you listen to me!” she snapped, and he rubbed the back of his neck before finally saying, “fine. What do you want?”

“You agree to go out with two more candidates,”

Shaking his head violently, he said, “no, no, no. No way. I am done with all that.”

“You’ve gone on ONE DATE!!!”

“No,” he corrected. “I’ve gone on three dates, with one person.”

“Exactly!” she did not relent. “With one person. That’s not enough. Nuala is one candidate. You must go on at least two more.”

“I don’t have to do anything. I am happy where I am at–with you.”

“Mr. Night,” she began, but he waved his hand,

“Fuck off with the Mr. Night, beautiful. We are done with all that. And I am done with the matchmaking. I am matched already.”

“Do you take pride in your work?” she asked seriously.

“Obviously.”

“And just because you are friends with someone from an opposing team, would it stop you from scoring against them?”

“Probably not.”

“Well, consider me your opponent.”

“That’s not even remotely the same. Your comparison is absolute shite. You aren’t my opponent. And I am not scoring against you. I wanna score with you.”

“Two people! Is that so much to ask? If it doesn’t work out, then we know that this is real,”

“I already know that this is real. I don’t need to go on dates with random lasses to know that I’d come back to you.”

“What if you are infatuated?”

“I am infatuated. But it’s much more than that. Also, why am I gonna waste time on courting others, when I have work to do with you. You are still all shifty and weird with me.”

“Because you are my client!” she exclaimed with exasperation. “This isn’t something I’ve ever even considered doing! Let alone actually…doing it.

“And I need to know for myself that this is right for us. For me. I have to know that I am not selfishly shortchanging you.”

“You aren’t,” he insisted. “But if I must, I will go out with two more matches. No more,” he warned her sternly. “No more, Elain. I am not kidding,”

“I understand.”

“If it doesn’t work out–which it won’t–I am done and done, and I am dating you. That’s it.”

“But you have to be truthful and sincere about it. Not just say ‘no’ to them because you want to be cross and contradictory,” she added quickly.

“Fine.”

“Good.”

“But if they aren’t for me, I will be honest about that too.”

“Fine.”

-

Lady Morrigan Court-Hewn.

30 years old. Socialite. Handbag and jewellery designer. Graduated from St. Andrews with a degree in International Studies. A fencing champion at the university, and an accomplished equestrian. Still rides professionally.

Previously engaged to Lord Vincent Eris Autumn, son of Earl Beron Autumn. Notable previous relationships include Prince Harry, Henry Cavill and a brief fling with Ronaldo.

Hobbies: Car racing (F1), horses, fencing and wine tasting

-

Today

And that’s how Azriel ended up here. 

‘Professional drinker’ was definitely omitted from Mor’s profile. As was, ‘expert gold digger’. 

As Dev drove towards Russell Square, Azriel checked his phone. 

Baron Kier Court-Hewn lost most of his fortune about ten years ago. He bred racing horses, and five of his top steeds needed to be put down due to some disease that they all got. With the death of the horses, the family fortune dwindled. That explained Mor’s ‘research’ into everyone’s finances. It wasn’t surprising that Azriel was primed for the taking.

He wouldn’t have cared about the money thing all that much–it was understandable, everyone wanted money–if she weren’t so vocal about her cunty opinions about Elain, and her calling Pinky ‘lame and legless’.

It’s been a busy week and he was feeling antsy for not having seen Elain and Pinky for four days. He set up the meeting with Mor as soon as Elain got him her information, preferring to get that out of the way. Then he had to travel to two games, and even though he wasn’t playing, he still had to attend. There was a meeting with disadvantaged youths from East London a couple of days ago, and a whole day shooting an advert for Christmas with his team. 

Thankfully, it was almost holiday time.

Once Dev pulled up to the townhouse, Azriel said, “don’t wait up”.

Dev smirked and told him, “I wouldn’t think of it!”

Bracing against the cold, Azriel rushed up the stairs and banged loudly on the door. Pink’s excited barking and scratching was heard on the other side.

“What is it?” came Elain’s faint question. “Piglet, what’s going on?”

Bark-bark.

“Is it daddy?”

Fuck yeah it’s daddy!

The next moment, the door opened and Elain was smiling at him.

“Get dressed, beautiful,” Azriel ordered. “Put a hat on Pinky. We are going tree shopping!”

[ruruumin]

blue lock oc .☘︎ ݁˖

yuuri kawakami (川上百合) .☘︎ ݁˖ - seventeen. she/her. 163cm. - midfielder & part time pxg manager.

⤷ abilities & archetype:

playmaker:

a player who controls the flow of the team’s offensive play and is often involved in passing moves that lead to goals through their vision, technique, ball control, creativity, and passing ability. her passing and dribbling are based on instinct and the overall feel of the pitch. similarly to sae, she’ll pass to the most confident and “heated” striker.

creative midfielder:

she succeeds well under high-pressure situations and would use any means possible to capture the ball. she aims to produce an impossible comeback within her team. the longer she stays in a losing game, the higher her chances of winning.

⤷ skills:

professional football technique:

at a young age, yuuri trained in barcelona and spain, having frequently played other games in europe. she formed a short mentorship contract with ego jinpachi three years before blue lock. alongside her experiences working as a coach for smaller, women-owned clubs, she transferred into nel as pxg’s assistant manager.

perfect dribbling technique:

easily rolls through any obstacle on the field. has a more offensive role in driving the ball forward, however can flex between a passive and proactive style of dribbling.

superior kick technique:

she can perform complex passes consistently, making them easy to receive but difficult to block and counter. these include: long driven pass, line drive shot, jump shot, and ultra-fast passes.

positioning & spatial awareness:

frequently travels throughout the pitch for the most optimal angle to pass. by getting the feel of the game and players, she is able to predict the best place to kick.

⤷ backstory:

born in kanagawa prefecture, yuuri pursued sports as a form of recreational exercise. she looked up to her mother, who despite being a famous writer, struggled with her career and retired as a librarian. even with the lack of money, she continued to fund yuuri’s passion for soccer, oftentimes coaching her with rented books from work. this inspired her to pursue the sport professionally. she would become captain of the women’s soccer team at kawasaki high school, with her last play cementing her position as a powerful midfielder. her graduation gift was a short mentorship in barcelona, provided by her parents and ego jinpachi, an old family friend from her father’s side. before the creation of blue lock, she was offered a contract to work under ego only when the project succeeds. paying back the favor he gave to her years before, she works part-time as an assistant manager for pxg. her chemistry with the team helps them develop new techniques and skills outside of just men’s soccer.

⤷ in an interview with yuuri // trivia:

꒰☘︎ character's color꒱ baby peach-colored pink.

꒰☘︎ birthday꒱ september 13.

꒰☘︎ zodiac꒱ virgo.

꒰☘︎ birthplace꒱ kawasaki city, kanagawa prefecture.

꒰☘︎ family꒱ father, mother, younger brother, and herself.

꒰☘︎ dominant foot꒱ right foot.

꒰☘︎ blood type꒱ O.

꒰☘︎ started playing football꒱ "a boy at school said girls couldn’t play, so i wanted to prove him wrong."

꒰☘︎ motto꒱ "pressure makes diamonds, and the more you keep trying, the more effortless it all looks."

꒰☘︎ favorite color꒱ light green, like spring.

꒰☘︎ favorite food꒱ raw salmon over rice (especially with soy sauce).

꒰☘︎ disliked food꒱ bitter melon.

꒰☘︎ favorite animal꒱ jellyfish. - “when i was younger, i’d look for jellyfishes at the aquarium. they look soft and squishy. i want to hold one in my hands one day.” 

꒰☘︎ favorite season꒱ spring.  “its not too cold and warm.”

꒰☘︎ favorite football player꒱ ego jinpachi. (she looks up to him a lot).

꒰☘︎ favorite song꒱ happy end by backnumber. - “the idea of star-crossed lovers makes me a little sentimental.”

꒰☘︎ favorite manga꒱ fruits basket & nana. 

꒰☘︎ favorite movie꒱ she likes horror movies (especially ‘the thing’)

꒰☘︎ mushrooms vs bamboo shoots꒱ mushrooms. 

꒰☘︎ what goes best with rice꒱ raw salmon.

꒰☘︎ hobby꒱ cooking and building things. - “i gifted loki a new keyboard the other day. he didn’t like the old one he was given because it was too nosy, so i built him a different one. i think he likes the sound and feel a lot.”

꒰☘︎ what makes her happy꒱ going to local cafes. - “i like the adventure. i recently visited a cafe that lets you listen to vinyl records. it was a great experience.”

꒰☘︎ what makes her upset꒱ losing. - “maybe i’m just competitive, but i hate losing. whether it be in games or just my earbuds, it makes me mad.”

꒰☘︎ her strength꒱ receptive and easy to talk to.

꒰☘︎ her weakness꒱ pouty and stubborn. 

꒰☘︎ best subject꒱ art & japanese literature.

꒰☘︎ dislike/worst subject꒱ science. - “i hate wrapping my head around things like physics.” 

꒰☘︎ what made her cry recently꒱ “i recently finished reading a book my mother recommended, and the last chapter brought me to tears. it was so sad. i wish i could experience love like that one day.”

꒰☘︎ usual sleeping time꒱ 8.5 hours.

꒰☘︎ usually ends up buying from convenience stores꒱ fruit sandos. - “they look so good whenever they’re on display. i know its a trick but i can’t help but fall into the trap of sweet strawberries and cream.”

꒰☘︎ place she washes first when taking a bath꒱ her eyes.

꒰☘︎ number of chocolate received from previous valentine꒱ ”i don’t remember, but a lot of people gave me buttons during graduation.” 

꒰☘︎ what will she do if she received 100 million yen꒱ buy her mother her own bookstore. - “i’ll buy her all her favorite books to put on the shelves. at the end of the day, i want her to enjoy her career without worrying about anything.”

꒰☘︎ what age she stopped receiving presents from santa꒱ at age thirteen. - “i think i was a little late to realizing santa wasn’t real. my parents wanted me to experience a good christmas every year.” 

꒰☘︎ what was her last wish from santa꒱ an old 1997 original angel tamagotchi in pink.

꒰☘︎ favorite historical figure꒱ mary shelley.

꒰☘︎ if she hadn’t encountered soccer, what will she be doing꒱ run her own cafe. - “i keep getting inspired by new ideas around the city. i think it would be fun making drinks for other people and hearing their stories.”

꒰☘︎ if she could only take one thing to a deserted island, what would it be꒱ a good book.

꒰☘︎ if she had a time machine, would she go to the past or the future꒱ the past. - “i want to learn more about what i didn’t know previously. it’ll be like going back in time at funiculi funicula (a reference to her favorite book; before the coffee gets cold).”

[xxx-calibur]

gatheringlewdfantasies​:

Sei squeezes those cheeks firmly, then she felt her upper body being down to lay down on the bed. Her red eyes watch as Carata strips off her Corset and sleeves, then gasps as the transformed finger tears the bust area of the leotard to show off that massive breasts. Even if it wasn’t all the way that enough was doing it for the computer virus girl.

Arousal rose within Sei as her eyes see those breasts being squeezed by the caster’s own hands as words places her into a slight trance as if she really wants to. This eye candy was too much, she wanted to! She wanted to touch those breasts and play with them, letting go of the other’s ass and reaching to grope those massive melons. “Carata feels so soft and squishy…~ I love… these love pillows~”

“Thats it... good girl..” her voice was a soft purr now, so sweet and gentle on the ears. “Feel how soft they are... How warm they are. And I see you staring at them so much too, you naughty little virus. How many lewd thoughts have you had today about my chest, hm?”

By now Carata was fully into her role as she continued to roll her hips, grinding herself against Sei’s leg while she savored her touch. Such a sweet, submissive thing Sei was, even more than herself. Perhaps thats what she found so endearing about her, how easily she crumbled after putting on such a brave facade.

“Have you thought about.. Squeezing them? Groping them in front of everyone? Suckling on them, trying to see if you can get some milk? I bet you have, haven’t you.” She’d lean forward, moving Sei’s hands away until her chest was pressed into the other woman’s face. “Taste them, Sei... Try and get your milk, my sweet little girl.”

gatheringlewdfantasies​:

“I’m good girl… sweet good sei…~” She was always a girl right? Yeah? A good sweet girl why else would someone like Carata tell her such things and repeat it. She loved being like this and being so spoiled with affection like this. Her body squirms a bit as those hands slide upwards feeling her hair and for a bit holding her hands to letting her hefty breasts be set free from the confines of the bunnysuit that was barely doing its job. She squirms at the touch of those hands playing her her squishy chest while her own hands felt up the caster’s ass. Squeezing them from time to time and at one point moving her hands up to squeeze her those hips.

“Love…touch… feel you like the. .. hall~” She repeated those lines as if her mind was gently falling into a trance especially once another kiss was given to her so suddenly while she lets out a lewd moan.

“Thats right... Just like then. When you embarrassed me in front of everyone.” 

She’d part from that last kiss and give Sei’s upper body a shove to push her down flat on the bed. Still straddling her legs Carata would undo her corset and remove it and the sleeves attached, tossing them to the side. From there she’d take one finger and have it transform into a claw and from the top of her bust to the bottom she’d tear a single line down her leotard to expose her own soft, heaving bust. Not all the way, mind you, but enough to show off her incredibly prominent cleavage.

“Don’t you want to touch them..? Feel them..? Grope and play with my breasts?” she’d smile down at her once more, cupping her own chest now. Squeezing them, playing with them as she lightly ground her crotch into one of Sei’s legs, her hairy mound already slick and soaked with desire through the sheer fabric of her leotard. “Touch me Sei... Feel me.”

[veliseraptor]

top five fruits (literal or figurative, ur choice)

going to go with literal only because it'd be too hard to choose figurative, top fives are hard enough already

I feel like I'm going to disappoint people with some of these. weirdly I think my fruit opinions are kind of bothersome to folks. with the caveat that we're talking, like, good versions of all of the following

1. watermelon. Some of this is loyalty because this was the favorite fruit of my childhood (true story, I dressed up as a watermelon for Halloween one year in kindergarten), but also there is nothing that hits for me quite like a delicious and juicy piece of watermelon. In summer particularly? That's good shit.

2. pink lady apples. truly one of the superior varieties of apple, imo. crisp, good mix of tart and sweet, more on the tart side but not going too far in that direction...big fan.

3. cantaloupe. I'm a melon girl in a lot of ways. I almost put honeydew on here as well, but the thing about honeydew is that it really has to be good or else it doesn't taste like anything. I don't know how my mom always found the good honeydew but she hasn't passed her wisdom on to me. But cantaloupe is far more reliable and also delicious.

4. red grapes. I put these further down because while I do really like them I am also so picky about them. Specifically if there is even a little bit of squish I'm out. A properly crisp grape? Perfection, delicious. A slightly squishy one? Abhorrent, appalling. But if I'm given a bowl of, like, good grapes, I'll mow through that thing fast. The only reason I don't eat more of them is because finding the good ones is hard and the bags are too big so they inevitably start to get soft before I finish. 😔

5. pomegranate. learned this one recently and it was a beneficial discovery as far as I was concerned. they're also one of the sexiest looking fruits. I will not take arguments on this point

the thing with me and a lot of fruit is because of my weird texture issues there are several where I really like the taste but the texture is abhorrent to me. I deal with this mostly by drinking juice or smoothies of things like most berries, which taste delicious but for some reason give me a bad mouthfeel.

[pxrifiedmxniac]

maiden-after-dark​:

Seira was being a simple toy for the other woman as they played with her chest and pulled her closer loving those hips pressing against her rear which wriggles. “Yeeees~ I’ll… I’ll be your sluuuut toooniiight~~!”

“That’s a good girl~” Ryuko purred sensually into Seira’s ear as she began popping each button on the doctor’s top, freeing her massive melons as she tweaked her soft nipples between her fingers. The other hand would begin unzipping her jeans as her hardened length would rest between her soft, squishy cheeks; already hot and hard from the contact.

“Ya know, I don’t think I’ve ever felt these babies wrapped around my cock~ Wanna change that~?” She cooed, giving her neck a few kisses while her fingers sank into the shorter woman’s breasts.

“Very true~” Ryuko cooed as she continued to massage the good doctor’s bust in her hold, pulling the shorter woman in closer as her hips pressed up firmly against her backside. “Buuuuut... how about for just tonight~?” She purred sensually into her ear, giving the edge of it a light nibble as she had Seira’s rear press and rub against her hips.

[solarpire]

Hello, optional tag game here! List 5 things that make you happy. Then if you want, you can put this in the askbox of the last 10 people who reblogged something from you. Learn about your mutuals and followers~

Ohh this sounds fun! Ok ok

1. Trying new foods. Especially fun drinks. I cannot get enough of fun new flavors. I've discovered I really like brazilian cheese bread (unfortunately dont remember the name, but it's such a nice squishy texture), sweet potato fries, chicken hearts, chicken katsudon, taro boba (when it's made well, some people make it very rubbery and flavorless(and I LOVE when I can get cream cheese foam on it)), cheesecake, melon flavored drinks, lychee flavored drinks, and calpico to name a couple things. I used to be really picky when I was younger, so I'm really happy I'm at a place where I'm comfortable trying new stuff :)

2. New hobbies. I really love finding new things to do with my hands, it just feels good to see the evidence of something you've worked hard on. I've tried sculpting, carving, jewelry making, bone cleaning, sewing, book binding, writing, baking, acting, etc etc. I just love figuring out how something new works. Atm I really want to get into fursuit making, game making, car maintenance, and getting better at writing. I've got two different stories on the back burner, a queer slasher horror book and a horror dating game about people in different fields of medicine/science (I really havent worked much on either, but they make me happy to think about and talk about. If anyone is interested in hearing about either just lmk ^^)

3. Being butch. This is a part of my identity I've only recently become comfortable identifying with, I was worried it shouldn't be for me seeing as I identify as nonbinary and tend to be attracted to men and nonbinary people more often than women, but now I feel so at home in it. Loving others and loving myself has just felt so much more authentic through this new perspective on my identity. I love being butch, I love the way my body looks, how I am big and strong and soft and fuzzy and made for loving and caring for the people around me, I love my relationship with queer masculinity, and how it doesnt restrain me from taking joy in my queer femininity when I feel it, I love the way it makes me feel when I clean or fix or make things, when I use my hands, I love how I look with my boots jeans belt and carabiner with a little bear tag on it, I love taking care of my loved ones and making sure they know they're cared for, and I love the way I am loved for it. Butch boy bear girl is just who I am 👍

4. Tattoos. I plan on eventually going into tattooing as a job! Theres a couple things I have to get taken care of before I start seeking out an apprenticeship, but I want it more than anything. I feel like I would really enjoy the medium, and helping people decorate themselves in whatever way is personal to them, whether it's got a deep personal meaning, or they just think itll look nice on them. I think helping people feel that freedom of identity is such an honor and I cant wait to get there

5. My partners. YEAH ITS CHEESY IK. But I just got into a new relationship with two more people that have been my closest friends for a few years just a week or two ago after getting to meet them in person for the first time. We're taking things slow, but all three of them just make me so so happy, and seeing how happy they are with each other makes me even more happy, and I'm so glad and grateful that these wonderful lovely people are in my life (I wont name or @ any of them for their privacy, but if any of you see this hiii ❤❤❤)

[whoknowsbud]

Stand Mutation AU

Warning, this is FILLED with body horror! And somewhat loose but present connections to the recent epidemic! Mainly in part 4...

These are mostly just lists of the designs, and this post will only contain parts 3 & 5. There’s a lot more bulk to what was written to part 4, and there’s a lot more angst written, so that’s going to be a separate post.

(Which is now here!)

The idea here is essentially taking the ‘stand sickness’ Holy and Josuke had and twisting it into overdrive. Rather than gaining stands, the infected mutate (often horrifically, but there are some who look almost unaffected) based on their in-canon stands. The uninfected don’t see the full image; the shapes and colors come through, but not completely. The common headlight-style eyes are a big giveaway (until they’re not).

The mutations here will also commonly hinder most functions, especially rational thought. It’s most often temporary as the infected adjusts to the changes of their body. This can take a number of forms, but what happened to the Nijimura brothers is the worst it gets. The term for this for now is going to be ‘fried’.

The infection is only transferred by the arrow, and genetic relation.

Part 3

Holy has flowers growing on her body. Has a way better handle on it than Jotaro; fully present and coherent, the flowers just need to sap a little of her energy to grow big and bright. So, yeah, she's completely fine.

Jotaro ends up this ethereal star man with so much luscious hair, but also partly fried at the start; ends up being essentially like a big dog for a while (acts on base instinct and can’t articulate).

Joseph’s arms become vines. That’s it, that’s all. Vines for arms.

Avdol is pretty much just fused with Magician’s Red. I say ‘just’, but he’s pretty damn rad.

Kakyoin is basically a bunch of wires, wrapped to make a more human shape. Rather than shooting solid energy bursts, he can send energy through the wires.

Polnareff, like Avdol, is also just fused with his Silver Chariot. The armor and sword are still removable.

Iggy is made of sand. Can shapeshift, often takes the form of a wolf, because he can and he wants to.

Hol Horse has a gun for a hand. Yes, that's all.

Gray Fly... tiny man. Beetle sized old man with beetle wings and dagger tongue. Nasty nasty.

Imposter Captain Tenille is a fish-man, simple as that. Basically take Dark Blue Moon and put it in the mans clothes. This makes it obvious that he’s the enemy the moment he comes out, but Anne is still under some suspicion at first.

Forever is just Strength. Green ship with orangutang face.

Devo basically is Ebony Devil. Imagine making a (somewhat crappy) almost life size doll of Devo, and there you go. Rather than needing a grudge to act, he forms his grudge as he fights, making him stronger.

Rubber Soul is just Yellow Temperance; when he went through stand puberty he just pretty much melted.

J. Geil is just Hanged Man; only seen through reflections. Tied a knife to his hand.

Nena is almost the same as canon; she assimilates a beautiful woman to host her real body (which has no skin covering, so here she needs a host, the looks are just preference), and still leaves parasites on victims through her blood.

ZZ's stand mutation is actually his arm. His arm is the car.

Enya… ghost? Still uses fog for the illusions, still does puppet stuff? But then Jotaro would still have to suck her down so NO, THANKS

Steely Dan, the crab man. Can duplicate himself but at NOWHERE near the same rate. Not as effective either. He's about the size of your average 14 year old.

Arabia Fats is just. On fire. Fire man. Human torch. But more fire. Just fire.

Mannish boy appears with a flat, jester-like face, so the group knows to refuse.

Cameo... genie?

Midler is basically herself with High Priestess's power to become any mineral. Still can shapeshift, but its limited.

N’Doul… could be a water man. Sends his hand out so he can stay safely out of most people’s range.

Anubis... is just the same Anubis as canon. It's a sword, what were you expecting?

Mariah is the magnetizer. It happens through contact, and feels like a small static shock. It does not work on normal people, although they do feel the shock.

Alessi has just become a shadow, his own silhouette, that de-ages those it touches like in canon, with the same eyes and manifesting ability, too. Cannot talk.

The D’arby brothers are a terrible amalgamation of the souls they’ve taken.

Pet Shop is... just its stand I think.

Vanilla Ice is another stand/user mix. As uncomfortable as the v o r e is, it seems like the only sensible thing...

Dio is similar to Jotaro. But green & yellow, with more disturbing growths (those... bullet chain suspenders looking things, and the apparent oxygen tanks on the back). He's a bit distorted, rippling in time with the seconds.

Part 5

Haruno becomes a plant creature (Oh you want limbs? Limbs to hold things? Too bad, you get tendrils!), changes his name to Giorno. The human body is still inside, controlling everything. When he’s truly happy, he blooms.

Bruno's body is just zippers. They can all be opened or closed (although if they're all opened he's kind of a mess, and its an awful noise), and what's under them is just a void. He seems to have glowing orbs as eyes, revealed by a single open zipper over where his eyes would be. To resemble a more human form, he has zippers on his head to look like hair. There are a few zippers that hang off his arms and legs almost like fins, and he will whip you with them.

Abbachio is a glitchy creature that looks like someone constantly flipping channels, with a sort of goo coating his body in almost the exact way it does Moody Blues.

Narancia is a ‘cyborg’, fighting logic output to stay ‘human’

Mista basically goes through mitosis, becoming 7 of himself; but it takes time for them to truly separate.

Fugo appears to be normal, but he has this ‘oxygen’ tank & connected mask. The Purple Haze virus is more of a gas here, produced in his lungs, so he has to have a way to contain it when he's around others. Once he starts getting emotional, he sort of melts into a zombie-like form; starts looking like a typical victim of Purple Haze.

(Giorno's able to take in an absurd amount of toxins and pollution and spit out a shit ton of oxygen, so there's much less concern.)

WE RETAIN THE DINOSAUR SPICE GIRL HERE, TRISH IS A STRETCHY & SQUISHY LIZARDWOMAN.

Mr President is a cube, still with the room. He's like a box. A box turtle, you might say.

Polpo is still in prison. His shadow does pretty much everything Black Sabbath does. Permanent poggers face.

Zucchero is a slug. Has spikes on his body that perform Soft Machine’s ability, and they’re barbed to grab the deflated forms.

Sale... maybe he's already dead. Infection stopped his own heart or something. Or hes like.. a landmark. Like Angelo in canon; fully immobile, but sort of immortal. /till you destroy the body I guess...

Formaggio’s size is constantly fluctuating, not always proportionately consistent.

Illuso... doesn't exist outside of mirrors. He can still communicate to those on the other side, and pull them in, but can't leave, himself. He works similarly to Yoshihiro Kira; ig seal the mirror, you seal him.

Prosciutto has so many eyes. Just all over, so so many. Somewhat shriveled up from the waist down.

Pesci has a fishing pole arm I guess...

Melone is some sort of... digital-ish cyborg thing. The Babyface kids are the same though

Ghiaccio is essentially fused with his suit, with the weak spot in the back of his neck frozen over. It’s actually like the mane of a lion, but ice; he can’t turn his head at all, speaking is near impossible, and eating is a struggle as well. The white album fight reveals a lot:

Due to literally being plants, Giorno has to revert back to Haruno or risk serious danger. This is the first time he’s come out; they knew he existed (he was mentioned in passing) but they weren't sure if he was alive or dead. When he can take his plants form again, it’s... kind of horrifying. Roots and vines coming out of his body, wrapping around him...

Risotto is basically a living Metallica colony. Take risotto, make every 5x5 pixels a metallica bean, there you go that’s him.

Squalo... Sharkboy

Tiziano looks fine, but his mouth is all wrong. Tongues like a starfish.

Secco... mud? Mudman?

Cioccolata looks like a zombie, moldy and decomposed an shit.

Diavolo and Doppio are... basically, literally, just King Crimson and Epitaph. They can apparently switch places? Maybe

[moody-blues-requiem]

Can I please get La Squadra bois headcanons giving shy chubby SO's love handles some attention? 🥺

Sure! I kinda took “shy” to also mean self-conscious about body image... that might just be me projecting though, haha

Formaggio has fun squishing you. He’s a playful kind of guy! Everyone has a little squish somewhere (be it breasts, tummy, cheeks, butt, etc) and getting squishes and playful pinches from Formaggio is just par for the course. You’ll blush, which just eggs him on even more. If it really really bothers you he’ll stop, but he loves you so much he doesn’t want to keep his hands off of you! 

Illuso is much more private with his affections. Every now and then he likes to let one of his teammates catch you and him making out in the reflection of a mirror (or more, if you’re into that too), but soft and cuddly moments are saved for complete privacy. He’ll hold you in his arms, you’re his little spoon, and let his hands run over the soft skin of your tummy, humming softly and happily against the top of your head. 

Ghiaccio, like Illuso, prefers affection in private. But for as cold as he comes off, behind closed doors, he’s surprisingly soft and loving! He likes to kiss all over your body, love handles included. If he knows you’re particularly self-conscious about them, then they get extra kisses. They’re a part of you, and he loves all of you, no exceptions. 

Melone, well. You know him. You can expect some weird comments about birthing hips and how your stomach is beautiful, but it would look even more beautiful filled with life-- you might have to smack him a time or two to get him to reel back the reproduction talk. But honestly, Melone strikes me as the type to more than just appreciate your body, he probably has a thing for chubby girls. Thick thighs and love handles are his dream. 

Pesci himself is rather squishy and has always been a bit hard on himself for it, so having a partner in the same boat is, on one hand nice, but on the other hand, he doesn’t want you looking down on yourself the same way he does to himself! (Pesci, you hypocrite!) You two can give each other pep talks and work on building self-confidence together! 

Prosciutto, like Melone, prefers his girls with love handles, but he’s less fetishistic about it than Melone is. I know it’s cheesy and cliche, but he’s sincere when he says that he likes having more of you to love. He likes picking out clothes for you, especially ones that are both comfortable and hug your curves just right. A nice form-fitting sweater drives him wild. 

Risotto is good at silent body worship, letting his hands do the “talking” by ruling them all over your body, caressing every curve, and following the path of his fingers with his lips. Expect plenty of kisses left on your stomach. It’s hard to stay shy and self-conscious under Risotto’s loving touches! Plus, he likes coming home from a long mission and flopping down on the couch with you, using your tummy as an extra-comfy pillow. He falls asleep right away in your lap.

[boutiquemains]

Cartoon snail

Baby snail names are usually cute yet fun and playful. They are simply called baby snails and are characterised by scientific names. There is no specific term of reference used for baby snails. Shelly/ Shelby/ Hardy: names based on physical characteristics are usually unisex as they relate to both genders. They are suitable for both female and male pet snails.Ĭupcake: endearment terms make for ideal unisex names. Since snails are hermaphroditic, a gender-neutral name is quite suitable.Ĭiroc/ Cappuccino/ Cocktail: named after common beverages. Some pet owners prefer to unisex snail names over gender-specific ones. Unisex names are suitable for both the male and female gender. Lilac: flowers are beautiful and so make for cute snail names.įoster/Martini: ideal for pet owners who love cocktails, beer, or wine.Īdditional snail names that are cute include: Sandwich/ Apple pie: terms of endearment can be used as names for pets. They are usually found in trees although some are land snails. Vegan: snails are herbivorous and so like to eat greens. The following cute snail names are used across the globe and so are ideal for pet snails. To add on, snail names can be inspired by their personal traits like the kind of food that they eat. They are ideal for small pets like snails. Cute names are preferred because they show affection. Snails can also be given ordinary human names. Similar to pet names, cute snail names are taken from terms of endearment. As a matter of fact, terms of endearment make for perfect pet snail names.īentley/ Ferrari: fast cars make for ironic yet perfect names for pet snails.ĭawn/ Dusk/ Melon/ Lemmon: these names depend on the colour of the snail. Here are some commonly used pet snail names:Ĭake/ Muffin/ Yummy: it is a common practice to name snails after favourite foods. Similar to other pet names, pet snail names should encompass ether of the mentioned aspects. They can also be popular so that they are not easily be forgotten. Some pet names are based on characters from movies, favourite desserts or places. Teeny: a common name that is given to short girls. Itty bitty/ Nana/ Smallie: inspired by their small stature. This is a good name as snails also have shells, hence the pun. Note that snails can differ in terms of their physical qualities good snail names can therefore be based on this trait. As such, for people keeping more than one snail pet, it is a good idea to name them according to their personal characteristics rather than physical features. While all snails share generic physical traits, they may behave slightly different which is noticeable upon close inspection. Good names are memorable and allow for easy identification between animals of the same group. Slime Shady: a pun on the rapper, Slim Shady’s name.īomb/ Grenade: this name is inspired by their hard shells.įunny names given to snails also include: Mushy/ Pulpy/ Spongy: snails are soft and moist making them appear squishy. Sleepy-head: snails move slowly, in a seemingly lazy, sleepy manner. While some names communicate this directly, others are ironic making them funny and relatable. These names are often inspired by the physical characteristics of snails such as their slimy and slow nature. Funny names are also memorable which makes them ideal for pet snail. Funny snail names are also preferred as they allow people to connect with their pets. Due to this trait, they are often given funny names.

[coffeekeyboardsss]

every single question on the bi ask game,,,, if it’s not gonna take too much time

o h   d u de  

t h a n k    y o u 

(I’ll exclude the ones I’ve already answered)

2. smoky eye bi or sharp eyeliner bi?

Sharp eyeliner although I don’t wear much makeup

3. gold bi or silver bi?

Silver 

5. walk in the forest bi or walk on the beach bi?

Forest

6. milkshake bi or smoothie bi?

Milkshake 

7. pastel bi or neon bi?

pastel 

8. PwP (plot without porn) bi or PwP (porn without plot) bi?

plot without porn (I’m so vanilla)

9. pun loving bi or pun hating bi?

pun hating for the most of the time. But I appreciate them on occasion 

10. strong bi-fi game bi or weak bi-fi game bi?

S t r o n g

12. boyband bi or girlband bi?

Boy band tbh. I don’t know that many girl bands 

13. coffee bi or tea bi?

Coffee

14. dyed hair bi or natural hair bi?

natural hair 

16. matte lipstick bi or glossy lipstick bi?

matte, although again I’m not a big makeup person 

17. dragons bi or dinosaurs bi?

dragons 

18. coffee shop au bi or high school au bi?

coffee shop 

19. nicki minaj bi or beyoncé bi?

beyonce 

20. history bi or science bi?

history, although I’m trying to get better at science 

21. frida kahlo bi or virginia woolf bi?

Frida kahlo

22. highkey bi or lowkey bi?

highkey

23. bowtie bi or tie bi?

tie 

24. selfie bi or candid bi?

either one, I don’t take many selfies tbh

25. pizza bi or pasta bi?

ughhhhhhhHHHH........pasta 

26. black nailpolish bi or colorful nailpolish bi?

colourful 

27. soft and squishy bi or sharp and pointy bi?

SOFT AND SQUISHY

28. *NSYNC bi or backstreet boys bi?

I don’t really listen to either but I’m gonna pick NSYNC for bi bi bi 

29. kinky bi or vanilla bi?

incredibly vanilla 

30. playing with people’s hair bi or having your hair played with bi?

Having my hair played with. I will love you forever 

31. norse mythology bi or greek mythology bi?

NORSE MYTHOLOGY. I’m currently ready the testament of loki. It’s so good 

32. velvet bi or cashmere bi?

cashmere 

33. black eyeliner bi or colorful eyeliner bi?

black eyeliner 

34. book quote bi or tv show quote bi?

book quote 

35. big city bi or small city bi?

small city 

36. rough sex bi or gentle sex bi?

NO SEX ASEXUAL 

37. melon bi or grapefruit bi?

Melon 

38. bubblegum bi or breath mint bi?

bubblegum 

39. mesh bi or lace bi?

lace 

40. vegetable bi or fruit bi?

fruit 

41. jeans jacket bi or leather jacket bi?

jeans jacket 

42. sliced fruit bi or whole fruit bi?

sliced 

43. heels bi or sneakers bi?

sneakers

44. friendship crush bi or romantic crush bi?

friendship crush 

45. desert bi or ocean bi?

ocean bi 

46. going to sleep at 8 am bi or getting up at 8 am bi?

going to sleep at 8am

47. messy bun bi or ponytail bi?

neither I have short hair but for when my hair was long, ponytail 

48. bee bi or bumblebee bi?

I love all bees 

49. parks & rec bi or friends bi?

I love both but I watch friends more 

50. faux fur bi or faux leather bi?

faux fur 

51. Extra™ bi or regular bi?

extra

52. acoustic bi or remix bi?

remix

53. message bi or ask bi?

ask 

54. board game bi or card game bi?

board game 

55. desaturated bi or color porn bi?

color porn 

56. pop bi or indie bi?

indie 

57. painting star constellations on their skin bi or painting animals bi?

star constellations 

58. astrology bi or mbti bi?

Astrology

59. pride parade bi or celebrating inur PJs bi?

Pj’s. Although I’ve been to mardi gras before and it was great 

60. eyelashes bi or eyebrows bi?

Eyebrows 

THANK YOU SO MUCH XX

[jigglyones]

Jiggly: The Chicken Cutlets

Great for the circles under your eyes

The Chicken Cutlets - This One’s For The Birds

The silicone bra became known as the Chicken Cutlets due to it’s real-life hen honker look and feel. It’s also called the Invisible Bra, and it does look invisible on a person with my skin tone. The cutlets started as silicone inserts that came in two colors to match an average white or dark girl’s skin tone and added a more “real” pad for their bosom. They became wildly popular and there are several funny videos and images of women obviously forgetting their life-like pink chewies actually aren’t attached. Here’s a couple of my favorites:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FRUA2jKbtg

Later companies added removable shoulder straps and adhesive, similar to the Free Bra, taking it from a popular meat puppet enhancer to the chic-filet bra of your dreams. Even with all the extra utensils, this bra gets a 3 out of 10 on the Fluffy Pillow Scale, because it’s fowl (By now you know me, you see where this is going...) 

PROS

This bra has endless possibilities; but it’s best used when chilled. Use it as a soft squishy pillow on a warm day. Put it over your eyes and eliminate circles, while recalling your view from the womb. If you freeze it completely, use it to pack a lunch and keep food fresh all day long. I like to keep some at my desk fully frozen and just when my boss throws stuff at me, to do,  I chuck one of these at the door, threatening her life. We all have a chuckle afterwards. 

But the fun doesn’t stop there, use them to ice sports injuries. You can never have too many frozen cutlets around the house, it seems like someone is always in need of an iced cha cha. 

For the outdoorsy types, keep the bird bazoongas at room temperature. Then lay them with the adhesive side up. This will become your most sexiest fly/mosquito trap. No more getting bit with the chick-tit at your bench. 

FINE, SERIOUS PROS...

Let me get this part over with; it covers the knobs and holds your mamas in place. It’s also strapless so you aren’t restricted in anyway, as far as breathing goes.  Also, it is easy to clean, just swip, swipe, wipe and put it away. That’s it. So I can’t be formally sued (That’s a rule, right?)

CONS

This thing is a no-go! Men don’t even like them. And why would they? They are creepy AF (AF means, And Funny.. for all my snowflakes, lol). 

Oh how I hate this bra, let me count the ways: 

1) Just holding it is so weird. I felt like the mass murderer from saw, as I held this dismembered bird boob and felt it’s gelatinous quiver tickle my hand. Ewww. 

4) It is heavy. So it actually doesn’t adhere well and weighs down your boobs, it holds them in place if you wear something tight over it, but it holds them at a lower place. So while your beams may be held tight, they are held tight down, not up, which is a little uncomfortable. It’s like that 50 year-old married guy that hits on you and says he wishes he met you first because you’re more, “on his level” than his wife. No, I’m not on your scummy level, Tim.  Kope Cung Kah That’s Thai for, “Thanks, now piss off.

4+) Because the bra is so heavy the adhesive is stickier than the Free Bra, but it doesn’t stick as well. So this means it doesn’t stay in place like it should and yet it hurts more to peel off. This bra is the worst of all worlds, why didn’t they just say that in the infomercial? We all could have saved some time. 

6) It produces a little bit of sweat, this makes it less sticky and stinks. Silicone doesn’t absorb anything, so it doesn’t get dirty and that’s lovely, but it smells like a two day old chicken cutlet by the time you get home. You end up feeling like a bachelors microwave. He was going to just heat up something real quick, then his friend came over and they started playing Halo. Now the chicken breast will sit there until he heats up his left over pizza in four days. 

10) It’s not comfortable.The strap clips end up poking and prodding until I wonder if I’m being skewered. You’re the cutlet, not me, you featherless clucker-cupcake. Also it itches. I felt like a hen with lice, always itching and moving, etc. 

12) There is no support, you can’t bounce, jump or take flight with this airbag holster. 

15) And last, but certainly not least, as seen on TV, they will fall out! Don’t be another dropped, chicken nugget casualty. 

Look, I can do math, I realize that this list doesn’t seem to add up to 15, but doesn’t it feel like 15 to you? I wore this bra for 7 days and it felt like double that. 

ENLIGHTENMENT

Men and women alike seemed to appreciate my silhouette more, in this silicone valley. When I wore dresses especially, one of my guy friends proclaimed, “Why are you so perky today.” Apparently, he does an assessment of how my breasts are looking each day. My girl friends would do the same, “Ooh la la, what are you all dressed up for?” I wear a uniform, so my clothes were the same, and whether they realized it or not, it was just my bust that was different. 

One night I was riding on the back of a motorcycle with a friend of mine. We got to our destination after a half hour and he asked loudly, “What’s up with your boobs hitting my back? They feel weird.” He cringed when he said it. So even through my shirts and his shirt, it felt different from my real boobs, different from bra padding...so, NOT REAL! 

I laughed out loud and explained what it was. He’s fully aware of my bra project and asked a sweetly, naive question, “Why do girls wear those falsies? I don’t walk around with a cucumber in my pants because eventually she’s going to know the truth.” I thought about this over the rest of the day, and here is the answer to that question. 

Women wear falsies because it gives them more attention, and they have no intention of you or anyone else finding out the truth. Even women complimented me more in this bra, I appreciated the attention.

See a man fluffs up his income, persona, looks, yada yada, all to get lucky. Like a turkey during mating season, they do their dance to get their chance. But women are different. We generally have no interest in the mating ritual. We do if we like/love/want to be with a guy. But “a night out on the town,” the drinks men buy, the compliments they give, that’s just to feed our ego so we can go home and know we are prettier than our friend Leticia, because no one bought her drinks, and serves her right, she forgot my birthday. But I digress...

The point is, in general, we are going home alone, by choice, happily and men will never know the truth. That’s the best part. We will always be that adorable big busted chick in the bar that you almost had. And we will gratefully think of you and your compliments as we slip out of our stupid high heels and put on our granny panties, to climb into our hug bed and hug our pillows. 

Bottom line chickadees, get your compliments from something more substantial - false boobs are false compliments, and truthfully, compliments on real boobs, are too.

I feel a rant coming on....

RANT

You know what? I’m so sick of having new things to compete with! Not only do I have to compete with other normal, beautiful women; but also with models, who were historically designed from the bodies of 12 year-old boys (Yea, look it up). Then, I have to compete with plastic surgery victims (it is surgery), and cartoon characters that don’t even have real body parts, and now animals? Everything in magazines and parties lately are sexy animal themes. Costumes with sexy cat ears, hot unicorn hooves, a tail, I guess that’s a thing? And now these cockle-doodle-doo melon halter?

No! Enough is enough! I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want the hips of a boy child, or the ears of a sphinx, or the butt of a baboon, and certainly don’t want chicken jello molds hanging on my fried eggs. It’s over! It’s enough...it’s time to just accept that we have an obligation to take excellent stewardship over our livestock bodies. But beyond that, it was God’s choice and you trying to look like a f’ing giraffe not only corrupts your mind, but your body too.  

My Paula Abdul moment, when I wear classes inside and think my bra is chicken. I love being a star! 

[cicinicole-14]

all orange

Buff Orange - Would you consider yourself athletic?

unless you call running away from my problems athletic then no

Burnt Sienna - Favourite smell?

oh man so many I’m a smells person but citrus is a top and cucumber melon or coconut ties for first

Melon - Do you like to dance?

no because I have two left feet but I will dance at weddings

Carrot - Do you bake?

I do! I quite enjoy it

Copper - What is your favourite kind of day?

ngl, overcast and gloomy days

Orangeade - When do you feel alive?

right after I get out of a shower I feel like I’ve woken up y’know

Gamboge - Where do you want to travel?

um, Bahamas currently because were taking a family vacation soon and like trying to decide where and I want to go to Bahamas or Cancun

Peach - Favourite texture/s?

anything soft or squishy and weird but like rubbery I know that sounds awful but like I like like squishy rubbery things like stress balls and shit

Vermillion - How brave are you?

yeah no I’m a fucking pussy actually no I take tat back it depends on the sitch bc if were talking “oh ur brave if u wanna cage dive with sharks or skydive” then yeah I’m brave I wanna do both. I’ve actually swam with sharks before and remind you, you’re talking to the girl who spent her 16th birthday at an alligator farm holding alligators and yah ok I’m definitely brave

Bittersweet Shimmer - What is your favourite memory?

ou, this is tough? I think the day I found out I got accepted to my dream college and then told my dad and the look on his face was just so pure. he was so happy for me. that was a happy memory